Chubby Behemoth - Palimony

Episode Date: March 3, 2022

Go To The Bathroom. I'll Make A Mess Myself. Take Me With You.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

two seconds why would we be why would we be recording i just put some sunflower seeds in people were saying i should eat some seeds on the pod so nobody said that oh yeah that's actually a good idea no one's done that before uh people want you to eat peanut m&ms on the show. How's it sound? You guys picking this up? Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're fucking on mic. Why wouldn't it pick up?

See, that's the crack. That's the first thing, it's the crack. And then you got to peel the shell away. That's the tough part. You don't want to mush up the innards. You see? Nope. That's three down so far. How many more to go in this riveting journey?

Oh, I mean, I got a bunch, man. I got a whole bag. No. I'm ready to bag it up. One more and you're done for an hour. I thought I was going to want this extra half hour but i woke up uh early but it was nice to uh you know not immediately see your face yeah why would you want that why would you want to see the sunrise twice in one day waking nightmare also i have some uh pre-shelled right here just in case in case you get tired. Yeah,

you know, in case I'm too busy to shell them myself and I just need a handful of energy right there. I got them. So just let me know if I start lagging, I can pop some in. What a freak. What a total freak. I just like, I like energy from seed sources. It's kind of my thing. It's one of four things that you can eat. Yeah, and tonight I'm going to go on stage in Boulder with a bunch of these in my pocket. So when I bomb the second show and take my own life, some flowers can grow in the basement of license number one.

Down in the elevator shaft. The issue is that these are already roasted so they won't grow so then people will know that i'm stupid as well as they're just in your just in your pocket yeah damn what was in his pocket uh just a bunch of sunflower seeds bunch of porn he regressed back to being a 12 year old boy and he had porn in his pockets and sunflower seeds that won't grow. It was a bunch of poorly rendered nudes of Britney Spears where it's just like her head crudely photoshopped on like

some sex slave's body. That was when you were discovering yourself, right? Where just horror shows is like, who is who's like, yeah, this is good enough. This will do. This is all I like yeah this is good enough this will do this is all i need this is better than than a real than a real person news it's clearly britney spears's face

from the cover of hit me baby one more time but uh look down here her tits are black for some reason this is that reminds me when i was younger reminder alert when that was when i was younger uh i tried desperately to force a wet dream a sex dream with britney spears and what i would do is watch britney spears videos right before bed it didn't work it never worked you couldn't master the dream realm instead i mean how does that how does that work what's the experiment you put on uh you know for me i'll say christina aguilera genie in a bottle because she was superior to britney in every way put that on as soon as you like just barely start to feel a twitch in your little member then you're like lights out yeah i mean it's bedtime and that's what i want to dream about so i'm thinking about her i can't remember if i had because this would have been pre-youtube so it's not like i could just put her

put a playlist on so i don't know but i thought we had a vh No, I don't think I taped. Laser disc. I don't think I taped anything from real to real. Total request live. But anyway, it was a concentrated effort. And I don't think it ever happened. But, you know, just end up banging my mom again. I was like, oh, this old hat. It still fits. It's funny if you get in your sex dream and like

britney does show up and she's stepping out of the shower and the steam is behind her and that you see her from the back wrapping the towel around her and she turns around and she rubs away the steam on the mirror and sees you standing behind her and she's just like ugh gross what pass it's my dream i still get blocked you get cock blocked by your own subco no thanks that's fun man i don't think i ever had a celebrity sex dream the only sex dreams i have are like exes of mine and then the genitalia ends up being like some kind of weird long tube you know what i'm talking about like they get like bat body from the neck down for some reason and i'm just like fucking some kind of like abomination like half

like flying squirrel half a girl that i lived with for a while you know whoa yeah it's really fucked a tube even worse than you jizz yeah it's like some long marsupial tube and like my ween is like very long and thin for some reason but it's like a chinese finger trap situation that's what goes on when i have uh sex dreams now it's because you're flattening your own dick i guess you're crushing your own ween because you're on your stomach or something when i used to sleep on the floor i'd wake up in sheer pain because i'd get a boner while face down the ground and you have a sex dream if you're on your back because it's just mental right it's not all being stomach down right but that's how i sleep so i don't know if you can have him on

any other way yeah you sleep like a chalk outline you sleep like when peter griffin falls down in Family Guy. He's on his back. Or no, he's on his stomach. Yeah, that's me. And your arm's always up here, and the other one's over here, feeling around, you know, fending off whatever sleep attackers you have. I can draw you sleeping.

I've seen you sleep so much. We slept next to each other three times in the summer of 12. We've shared many a hotel room i've been sent in to wake you up from time to time because you're so furious when you arise yeah all right projecting that's you you're the worst at waking up i think you're better recently but god you used to hate it so much yeah because i had to hang out with you. No, because you're a little baby. I wake up and you're there. You're a little baby and you're like, I want more sleepy. And you would always just start swinging and throwing. She'd be like, no, we have to go.

And you're like, 20 minutes. It's like, no, it was 20 minutes, 20 minutes ago. Now I'm back. And you're like, I'll kill everyone I've ever known. How about we just go have breakfast and you'll be fine in 30 seconds. It's just like the first two minutes that you're awake. We're just. Yeah. I hate everything.

I feel like I've been woken up by Byron before, like when we were on the road for five weeks. And he'll be like, all right, we got to go. We got a long drive. And I'm like, cancel the show. I don't care. Who fucking cares? Call him right now. The number's on my phone. Just cancel. And he's like, I'm going to give you 10 more minutes. Then I wake up and I'm like, damn, what a joy and a gift it is

to be alive. I'm going to give you 10 more minutes and then I'm going to return and we are going to start our day. We are going to take a 10 minute sabbatical my friend i will have the coffee and tea prepared for you you just saw byron he's in chicago living it up oh yeah he's living it up and out you said you were gonna get a picture with him and you failed he refused when's that ever stopped you? How many videos of my butt crack are online because of you and your quote unquote consent?

I tried to take a clandestine photo of Byron and he turned around and he was like, please. Please. Please do not. I must beg that you cease this behavior you should have turned that cease and desist into a cease and persist and I really tried to get him at breakfast with Katie I was like can I get a picture of you guys and he was like I'd prefer if we did

not I'm not camera ready at this moment, but I haven't brushed my tooth. He's got one tooth. He does. He's all gummed out. One good one left hanging on. Yeah. I forgot how much fun it is

to hang out with Katie because she loves to fucking goss. And she still gets the goss from Miriam Moreno, mi amiga. So I got some goss that i wasn't even like privy to from katie over there in chicago and that was fun and then you kept it in a bushel basket instead of sharing it with me a lot of it was about you oh yeah you have to get we talk at least twice a week and you had to get it from katie via miriam what are you well yeah well because i understand why you moved you got me too to the border jesus christ yeah a lot of

allegations are about to surface up here at 51st strokes yeah i love my wife too much it's gonna be uh 50 accusations is what it's going to be it's's like Ben Duncan, you tit-fucked him. You made Noah put on a wig and walk backward because he's so ugly. Remember that? Yeah. I'd shave his ass and make him walk backward. That's a fun one. I think that's from Drop Dead Fred.

Shave his ass and make him walk backward? If I had a dog as ugly as from drop dead fred shave his ass make him walk backwards if i had a dog as ugly as that i'd shave his ass and make him walk backward no i think that's wayne's world no it's not i think it's i think it's drop dead fred i spent a lot of time with that seminal film phoebe kate you guys remember drop dead fred yeah mega beast yeah we watched that you don't we watched that a lot no i i mean i've seen it but it's been you know since i was 12 or 13 years old oh yeah you're so busy watching uh the burns and islands colgate comedy i can't watch very important film drop dead fred yeah if you guys aren't on the patreon you should get on there just to hear Becker out himself as a fucking spy.

A content spy. You can't get enough. He likes joke-dense sitcoms that plug the war, supporting the war, World War II. He would like 30 Rock more if they talked about Liberty Gardens more often. Hey, guess what this is sunflowers sunflower seed time you've been a good boy time for a treat i outed myself as a spy this morning on my sister's uh instagram oh yeah i thought i was gonna get away with it until i saw that nathan lund liked this yeah i forgot yeah that was pretty dumb i mean i've been asking that

question for a week now yeah like what what's bach and boozy what's going on they misspelled beach and i wanted her so badly because my sister had her bachelorette party uh rip a couple of the people who attended um yeah there were a few survivors god can you imagine that crew i mean i don't know a couple of them but i know the main pickles olivia my sister so i mean hannah for the first time without little baby susu yeah two years of uh being a mom yeah two years in the hole she comes out man she's just her hands are shaped like like this she just her hands are shaped like they can jerk off people one weekend to get her life back oh and then also my sweet poor cousin annie was there as well who's not she is not uh you know equipped to deal with the fucking debauchery

that these bitches is bitch planet i kept saying bitch planet forever um it didn't catch on believe it or not um oh yeah and then also fucking nicole jerznik's there too yeah and oh yeah i don't know larry larry the most dangerous competitor in the booze game nicole so yeah they're there and they have this like balloon arrangement that says uh bach and boozy and i'm like well they fucked up they didn't spell beach correctly they're in savannah way to go you guys are stupid guys rock that kind of stuff a guy would have guy would have never blown it with the uh balloon spelling well yeah guy wouldn't have purchased uh balloons you know he would have saved it for the eight ball. Yeah. We've gotten little person strippers.

That's what we're doing. And guess what? We're getting the prankster. I'll have updates next week. We splurged on the prankster. But anyway, it said Bach and Bozy, and I kept needling her so she would admit that they couldn't spell. And then it's Bach.

It's actually Bach because it's Bachelorette Party. You saw you and Sophie live to see the other in a moment of weakness stupidity yeah uh ignorance uh confusion and then you just bounce god sophie i've seen sophie take the littlest thing you could imagine just you saying misusing a word or just any little and she'll just like dave with a peanut eminem we're just referencing the patreon episode because we did it yesterday uh just you guys attack each other uh mercilessly it's fun to watch um my sister and I and brother were like that when we were younger for sure but we kind of stopped my brother and I

stopped talking my sister and I stopped being mean I keep trying to cut Sophie out completely I want to pull a Jason with her but she loves me gotta love me yeah that my sister fucking rebels in it have I talked about the time when uh

yeah i don't know i have this is this is some uh this is some old sam talent lore but when i was a boy i used to hold in my turds i loved it i loved the feeling of uh squishing it back hold you know not unlocking the gates opposite marin what uh yeah i like to restrain me, Madron, which is, you know, holding my brown. And so it was like a thing. And like, you know, my dad like had to talk to me and eventually I started dumping normal and it was fine. But. The fuck?

I don't know, dude. I know. I've never ever talked about this with anyone ever. I don't think you have. I feel like I know most things about you. One of the weirder things i've ever been guilty of yeah i would just like stand in the corner of rooms with my back against the wall and be like and my dad would be like i know what you're doing i know what you're doing buddy go in the bathroom and i'd be like i don't have to and he'd be like you gotta go to the bathroom don't you and i'm like no and then i would like

try and like bend over and touch my toes or like squat to prove that I didn't have to dump. And, you know, one out of three times I would like drop a little nug in my undies. I was like working so hard to hold in my dumps that I would then, you know, accidentally shit my pants. This is when I was like, you know, very little. But for some reason. Yeah, no, it was like, you know, it was like you know very little um but for some reason 12 yeah no it was like you know it was like right before right when sophie arrived right when she came off the truck from yemen um so yeah i don't know but for some reason it became like a fun story my dad and my mom would tell about me so sophie ended up knowing about it so then any time that she would see me

standing still she would say go to the bathroom sam you got to go to the bathroom don't you sam i'd be like no no you know she did it once at a birthday party of mine oh yeah taking the power back oh yeah and it's like no i don't have to go to the bathroom my friends are like what what are you what's she talking about and she'd be like go to the bathroom sam and then you know twinkle off so yeah it started very early that she's always been trying to submarine me what's the age difference are you guys four years apart oh we are three years apart man yeah she's she didn't like she didn't like that she was like i'm the eldest oh yeah she she's done everything to uh

to make that a reality she dominates you she tries to but the issue is is that i finned on her and she's always trying to fucking she's always telling people that i'm rich and that i'll don't worry sam will pay for it and i get so fucking pissed like i didn't pay for her and emily's steak dinner in the bachelor party because i just got i got a fucking cerebus a two-headed text from both of them just being like send money for steak you know not even a please like if they say please or like hey we went to a special dinner would you mind paying for it i'd be like of course i love that you guys are such friends when i just get like money pig you know from dump them out and i don't mean your tits yeah my sister just sends me her venmo qr code with 130 and then pig emojis no i'm not going to

go to the bathroom and then send us 200 if she hit me with a go to the bathroom now i would hate it like i would flip it would ruin me and now that i've said that a bunch of fucking people are going to come up to me at shows now and say hey go to the bathroom sam what have i done for sure that's a new shirt go to the bathroom sam then a pig emoji free episode i know anyway i have an important question yes were you holding it because it felt good to hold it or were you holding it because you like tank taking like giant shits it wasn't about the the mass of the dump i wasn't trying to uh you know fluff my turds i don't know you're padding your stats yeah i was like dad check this out i'm the man in the house now this is the this is the dump of the month this doesn't count this is five days worth of shit

that's not one load grandpa go to the leaderboard what yeah what oh was it that speaking of grandpa was it that you were inexperienced with wiping your own ass and so you were whole fending off this moment that you dreaded because you weren't good at cleaning up i don't know i mean i do remember i have like you know clear memories of my grandpa wiping my ass so you know i bet i bet we all have memories of someone wiping us though because you learn to wipe what like four years old three years old uh i mean yeah i think that i think some kids stop doing diapers between like two and three and a half or whatever then mommy still wipes you she still cleans up your bum they don't trust you in there you're alone with the role oh yeah four five six maybe i don't know

i don't know i hope i never have to find out yeah that's about that's gonna be your reality at some point you and me keep talking about shitting out a kid no no you will um i think that i don't know if maybe it felt good because you have your little fucking boy prostate in there getting smushed upon. Or, I mean, maybe it was like there is the Freudian levels of evolution, you know? There's the anal retentive stage. Maybe I was just like textbook anal retentive. Because I was a very nervous child, you know? It was a chaotic place, my family, before my dad, you know put down uh the booze a little bit just because he was too much fun

um or worst case scenario and i blocked it out i got fucking molested in a bathroom hell yeah yeah or you so you said it happened right when sophie came right um no i mean it was happening like it was happening throughout my childhood until i was probably like six you know okay i was just thinking maybe it had something to do with you being so young that you were explaining childbirth and you were like i don't want another sophie i mean i did go into the delivery room they let me in there for some reason i just remember walking in and the floor was fucking slaked in blood. It looked like a goddamn guar concert. And I'm in there with a popsicle, a popsicle,

which I made my mom because it was right around Halloween. And I was like, mommy, here you go. And my mom looks over at me and she's all fucking soaked in blood and sweat and like, you know, near death.

And just like, you know, the placenta is still in a bag. Cause my dad's going to fry it up later. So it was like horrifying. I all that um yeah that's what you thought was happening when that's what you thought was happening when you pooped was just an orgy of blood and viscera yeah it's like oh i made a sophie come check it out i don't want a little dumpling i don't want a third kid coming in and taking attention away from me

i couldn't say her name very well because i had a speech impediment as a boy so i'd call her foot she didn't like that what's the speech impediment that changed sophie to foot so i had like really slippery s's which i still do um and i like have to work very hard to maintain some kind of like non like you know big fat tongue like a dog in a cartoon like you know that kind of thing that way you say wolf instead

of wolf wolf wolf no wolf would be better wolf has an L in there to buffer against the F also I have like this like kind of gap in my my bite so wind works its way through there also i have like this like kind of gap in my uh my bite so wind works its way through there so i get like real like that kind of thing yeah um but also i couldn't say wolverine my r's and my r's were completely fucked up i've talked about that on the pod for

sure wolverween yeah wolverween gw blidge my mom would be like sam who's your favorite x-men i'd be like wolverine mommy and she'd be like go to the bathroom sam go to the bathroom sam i was pretty much just a puppet that my mom and aunt julie had access to 24 7 then my uncle tom would come in and spunk sigs lie about it oh no he's he's off he doesn't lie anymore he's blasting them yeah i'm saying back in the day. Oh, back in the day. Yeah, there's all these like home videos of my Uncle Tom looking literally 17. And I'm sitting next to him on the couch playing with G.I.

Joe's. There's a football game on the TV. And my Uncle Tom, it's like, you know, 11 in the morning. And he's got a cig going and a beer in his hand. And it's just like, man, they were blasting cigs on me. No wonder I held it in. I was catching a buzz all the time if it wasn't in the can. You didn't want the party to stop.

Yeah, I had FOMO. But yeah, I held it in, and it was bad, man. I don't do that anymore. Now I relish every full turd. That's great. Good stuff. Back in the bathroom. This is the beginning podcast stuff, you know?

Going back into our childhoods. How fucked up are we? How good are we at wiping our own butts? Answered, not very. You stand up. I sit. I'm normal. God, Zach. sir not very you stand up i sit i'm normal god i i think about zach moss's bidet now and then

that's a that's a pretty sweet ride why don't you get one i don't know i don't know i should because you don't just you don't deserve it why don't you get a fucking bidet they're like 80 bucks yeah i know well his is not his is like the cadillac of butt fountains well they get it lord knows you make enough money hikers got it or hiker had it i think zach said it's normally 400 and he got it for like two so what's a used bidet no no no it was on sale i think that is depraved yeah used water recycled Recycled water. There's just a jug. This is the water that you use over and over again.

It's not the water I'm worried about. It's the ghosts of butts past. All those butts that sat on there getting real clean. The splashback from that? That sucks. Oh, God. After you were in there, I used the deodorizer. It wasn't that big of a deal. It sucked really bad. It was really bad.

And Zach had mentioned that there was a button for the deodorizer, and it's like some charcoal filter kind of thing. And it worked because I went from gagging to laughing and smiling. I told you when we got to All You Could Eat Sushi that I had to take one. I said I had one burning and guess what I held it in for a couple hours uh oh I mean it wasn't knocking on the gates of hell

I still had time for St. Peter to change his mind you know so I mean back in the day I would hold it in until it was like compacted and hard you know it was like I would give birth to petrified wood it was very bad I broke a couple toilets um but yeah i told you when we got to sushi that i had to go to the bathroom and you were like don't

i want to hang out with you i miss you so much and i was like fine all you can eat sushi i'm just cramming sashimi and then we go to moss's house uh if you can call it that and uh you know his squat whatever it's up to rude yeah i'm kidding moss you know i love you we got used to uh the reynolds house and so anything else is just not the same oh yeah but anyway i held it in then i went to the bathroom and i was up there and i was quick and then you came down and you were like i gotta use it and you went up there and you came back with like war stories it was really bad it smelled really bad it wasn't that bad and then i was able to right the wrong with the deodorizer by you going in there and plopping more adobe on the pile i'm sure the button it's funny to have a remote in your hand and then just be like did you make the the nozzle go up and down really get everything i didn't use the bidet it's gay

what an idiot no way you sat there you looked at the remote and you're like no thank you i'll make a mess myself no i just got in there and wiped like usual missionary style i don't like bidets they make me nervous you shit in the tub and also I don't like bidets. They make me nervous. You shit in the tub. And also, I don't know if my cheeks are spreading up. I think it's hitting the mantle. You know, it's not hitting the core. I thought the same thing the first time I used one because I was inexperienced.

I was a rookie and I kind of tried it and I was like, this is weird. But this time, Zach was like, no, like like use the remote you you can adjust the nozzle there's one zach in there while you're dumping showing you how to use the bidet of course not yeah no he primed me up he gave me the tutorial and then i got in there and i explored and it was great i was the same as you i didn't think they were that big of a deal it's like yeah who cares i got wipes they do the job but this is a whole other level get one i just like them because of the old style ones the the two-piece either one of you ever used and or like the days before they were on your toilet the one where you get up and squat over oh no yeah you're talking about the water fountain yeah yeah the water fountain exactly yeah a shitload of people i grew up with had those

in their houses and those are heinous terrible devices where you have to like squat waddle across the room with your pants off yeah yeah i didn't know you were living that well becker and then soak your i wasn't but all your friends had two-piece bidets in their houses? That's bougie. Yeah, the Guggenheims had bidets instead of the Maytags. What? Yeah. Why were you hanging out with the Googs and the Tags?

I grew up with them. You're talking about the Guggenheims from the museum? Yeah. No, the other Guggenheims, you psycho. Oh, okay. Yeah, there's only one. I think that's right. The rest of them got wiped out.

The rest of them moved to Argentina after the war. Guggenheimen. Das Guggenheim. Yeah, my neighborhood was loaded. Broadmoor was one of the richest neighborhoods in the country until the late 80s. Yeah, I thought you just lived in an opulent place place i didn't know you were hanging out with the tag squad yeah mayta i just saw maytag at my buddy's funeral she's great why didn't you fucking lock her up

oh man i was i was trying to let my little buddy john do it no dude you got to put a baby in that fucking washing machine oh dude the very next boyfriend after john broke up with her got her pregnant like i don't know two months it was it was a beautiful beautiful move that's winning the jizz lottery oh yeah i'd be in there man i'd be in there every day just battering up just dude my my dad used to no joke say shit like this to me when i was like 14 he'd be like when you go to school today get that one pregnant yeah like what he'll be set for life you could do whatever you want to spend your whole life with hot rods just get her pregnant jeez yeah man you could have spent your whole life watching the movie hot rod that was the

biggest the biggest bounty of all he was like here we go round three i'm hunting bounties left and right but that is the jackpot yeah baby bounty yeah bounty. Yeah, Becker, you did blow it. Oh, yeah, I blew it. You blew it by not blowing it. By not having a kid at 14. Yeah, but if you have that kid at 14, what, by the time you're 32, it's grown and raised? Oh, yeah, dude, I'd be done. Yeah, you're free.

I'd be done. And also, she can't divorce you right I guess and then your dad gets prima nocta that'd be fun did you watch Braveheart 2 with your duddy movie marathon no we didn't but Braveheart does rule

I think that's from Braveheart isn't it well prima nocta is from the past. They didn't invent it. Yes, I know. It's from the office where they talk about Braveheart. I was deep undercover on Sophie's post. You didn't know about Prima Nocta because you studied history. It's because you saw Braveheart.

No, I learned that in AP European history. And I was like, this this is cool this is why history rocks and all the girls were like ugh go to the bathroom I was in I was in AP European history because I had a crush on a girl

who was in there and I just like totally didn't get any credits and it was very hard and she never ever touched me so that was uh that was a tough one big l for daddy d yeah but you've got a victory coming up huh you got you speaking of bachelors bachelorettes bachelors yep you're graduating from a junior college now i'm graduating from a university all right you went to a college i went to a university oh yeah university of nevada reno established 1874.

that is the real deal cool state school stupid what do you learn about horse husbandry nice what do you what do you minor in bush light yeah? Yeah, Keystone Light, baby. I'm graduating from Metropolitan State University of Denver. Yeah, and it's been a university for how long? Since last semester. Yeah, and you went there. No, it's been a university for a bit. I got grandfathered in because I went there. I got like 112 credits when it was a college, and now I got my last eight, and I'm graduating from the uni. was a college and now i got my last eight and i'm graduating from the uni you know so i mean it's a big day my dad went there and graduated we're two uh proud latinos uh hermanos carnalz who uh graduated uh kian graduate uh graduation let's see um wait did you only need spanish credits

or i needed eight credits and i tested out of three of them by taking a CLEP exam in English 102, like the easiest thing ever. It's like, what does and do? And I was like, so it was insanely easy. But then I tried, I took the, I took, I was going to test out of the other two with CLEP exams. I was going to do the history of the United States from 1770 to the Civil War and then post-Civil War. And I took a practice test and I was like, alright, I give up immediately. I don't know any of this

shit. Teapot dome scandal. I want some teapot dome right now. Come suck me, Wyoming. Come on, baby. Tammany Hall, Tammany Balls. Look what I got. Yeah, you just kept riffing on on the test and the proctor was like this isn't working when you know you're in trouble this is every question instead of knowing it you're

just fucking riffing and trying to rhyme you're bombing and i was like what is this nagasaki or hiroshima so yes i'm getting my last five spanish credits i'm taking my last five credits in a is this Nagasaki or Hiroshima? So yes, I'm getting my last five Spanish credits. I'm taking my last five credits in a Spanish class and I am graduating from the university on May 12th. Everyone, the morning of Kevin O'Brien's first day of his bachelor party. So I'm assuming that you'll be there,

Lon. That'll be nice of you. Sharpie's coming. Bobby will be there, the whole squad. And then also if you join our $50 Patreon tier, you will be there, Lon. That'll be nice of you. Sharpie's coming. Bobby will be there. The whole squad. And then also, if you join our $50 Patreon tier, you will be invited to my graduation.

And Kevin's bachelor party. Yeah, and you get to come to Kevvy's batch. You get to be the DD. Or you can invite someone to Mel's bachelor party, just like without asking. So yeah, I think I can invite people to Kevin's bachelor party just like without asking so yeah I think I can invite people to Kevin's plus one yeah is it a dude

of course you don't bring a girl to the batch I was just making sure is it Johnny I don't want to talk about it blow up his spot no I can't but yeah graduating man and the party is going to be june 18th so circle that in your calendars boys because you are expected hell yeah uh i'm booked i think

no you're not the only time you're booked is when i send you dates you're not booked well then uh i'm excited oh i was thinking maybe it was yeah that's the weekend before lucha libre and laughs see si se puede uh yeah i guess i'll go and celebrate a 35 year old man getting a bachelor's degree oh yeah sorry i didn't fucking buy in and drink the kool-aid like you and just go off to get my psych degree and then never use it and get made fun of by construction workers for two years you fucking pussy ass wad i know you damn exactly what happened you were like i'm a good boy i love volleyball got my ass i'm gonna go to reno and learn about psychology then girls will know that i know them and you're just sitting in an air-conditioned trailer Oh, what? I call everyone.

Mr. Even though they're younger than you sitting in a puddle. No, I, why would, why would the construction workers be younger than me at 22? Because they're, they wanted to just go make some money.

I didn't get, you know, indoctrinated into the whole, you know, buy in, take the trip, blue pill, you know?

No, I had a great college experience, and then I had to be around a bunch of wads, a bunch of meatheads. You mean you had to hang out with hardworking men? Nice, dude. Most of them were not hardworking. You're going to be out opening for me.

You're going to meet a bunch of fucking callous-palmed troubadours, man. Yeah, we're going to the Rust Belt. Yep. Look, let's try to the Rust Belt. Yep. Look, let's try out the non-seeded, or the pre-shelled. Here we go. See what these are like?

Mmm, good crunch. Rusted. Turned to paste right away. That's fun. Just like me. What's the flavor on those things? I know the shelled ones were pepper. Yeah, I do black pepper when

they're in the shell and then uh these are just roasted and salted sunflower kernels okay yeah warner bert's dog brand yes life has shelled these seeds for you hold on completed swallowed them i'm feeling good we are all the kernels inside of the shell and time is the teeth that removes us from the inside and it crushes and squishes and mushes and chews and if you're lucky you get to pick the flavor before you're swallowed and eaten forever so yeah warner herzog's uh brand of delicious sunflower seeds check them out god i hated working that construction job i'd have panic attacks like every week yeah because the boys were coming in pink belly your ass and actually i think i i think i uh before I got that job, I think I tried to work in like HR for Maytag, I think. I think you worked in HJs for Maytag. I think it was, I was H-A-R-D for a spin cycle.

No, there was definitely a job where I would have like tried to interview and hire repairmen for a big appliance company and I think it was Maytag but the thing I remember is that they they had me do one of those like psych tests you know where I'd answer a bunch of questions and they were crazy you got F7 from Maytag they were the craziest questions like how often do you want to kill somebody like i wrote them i wrote a bunch of them down and i think i still have that paper somewhere because every time i'd see it i was like i'm keeping that and i think i tried to use it i think i tried to write a joke about it but this was when i was just starting to do stand up so i don't think it ever i ever dialed it into something good. But it was wild.

It was like, why are they asking these questions? I just want a fucking job. They were weird. And there were a lot of them. I didn't get the job. Well, I'm really sorry. I could have gone to high schools and tried to talk up, you know, the benefits of going into homes.

Like, sometimes these guys get late. They go in there, bored housewife. The husband's always gone. blah blah next thing you know getting your knob slobbed oh yeah no you could have gotten so much pussy if you were a maytag door-to-door salesman that would no no i would have had to tell these potential hires about how they were going to get laid so you were going to recruit children for the maytag cult why do they have to be children these are working age adults i mean it's either you're a little baby to me or you're an adult oh high school yeah i said high school all right yeah so i'm i'm child trafficking

for me hit the road hit the road kid this is how this is how you get life experience you go door to door is your refrigerator running no well that's why i'm here i'll take care of that you get in there you get some lemonade it was actually may fair you were trying to work for wayfair yeah oh yeah wayfair nice that was made up that was weird right it was like what is this some psyop they tried to what proof do you have it was made up i don't know mainstream media said that it was made up yeah exactly yeah see it and that you watch every rachel maddow said that it was fake no it was wasn't it yeah people on turning point said it was real oan dedicated two weeks to this same topic yeah opie and nathalie oan yes

got there opie and nanette i'm uh i'm running out of steam guys i gotta go back to the shells yeah time to refuel like a champ you want to carry the weight for a bit yeah wait wayfair is the bane of my existence now. I'm looking for a new couch and I stayed up till like 5.30 in the morning last night just looking at couches. Why don't you go to American Furniture Warehouse?

I didn't like anything they had. I did. They do free delivery. I know, but I didn't like anything they had. Wayfair also does free delivery. You think you're better than America's Furniture Warehouse?

No, they had one couch I really liked, the Calais,ais but they're gonna be out of stock till they don't know when dude i got all my furniture from afw nice and you're better than me no that was the first that was the first place i looked man i want to support jake jabs he's been creeping me out with his critters my whole life i love jake jabs yeah I would lay down my life for Jake Jabs. Yeah. When I was a little kid, I thought he was like worldwide famous. Yeah, I thought he was like a prince that somehow lived in Colorado. He was as

close to like a Saudi that I knew when I was a boy. He'd stand in front of the TV in between Chippendale Rescue Rangers and, you know, tailspin on next to stand in there, butt cheeks clenched so hard vibrating yeah daddy look daddy look the panther man's on tv go to the bathroom sam he unplugs the tv whips me with the cord and we're the same age so he was already on like

south park as a character by the time we were in like the fifth, sixth grade. I mean, those commercials were so cool. I mean, think about it. Len, you probably didn't have this because you grew up in Vegas, baby. No. In Chicago, we had the Empire Carpet guy. He was the man. And he went national.

Yeah, when he shot up that church. He was on WGN. His commercials were on WG wgn so i think they were seen far and wide nine eight eight two three hundred empire okay we have to that we had that guy i don't know his name but i can think of his face he haunts my dreams when i try to go to bed and bang britney spears a lot of times it was Empire Carpet Guy. Mr. Rogers was watching. We all float down here, Lund.

Bozo the Clown. Yeah, it was Bozo. He was on WGN as well. We had Blinky. No big deal. I was on there a couple times. What? Yep, not going to lie.

We also had Bozo because WGN is nationwide. No, Becker, we had Blinky. Blinky was local? True or false? You had Blinky. We didn't get Denver 2 and Colorado Springs until I was later in my teenage years. No wonder you're so fucking weird and you wouldn't knock up that heiress. Blinky was all about putting the fucking baby biscuit inside of a rich bitch.

That was one of his big messages wait do you need anyone that makes 50k or more a year fucking fill her up with seed smoking a cigarette he was like really crusty the clown he was drunk all the time and reeked like booze you remember that he reeked i went in there my aunt would take us in because my aunt was my daycare provider and she would take me and the boys down to Blinky's fun club at least like four times a year. And if you went and you were a kid, you got to go on the show and like dance around Blinky and like be an

extra. And yeah, I just remember him like smelling like grandpa's chair. It's just fucking reeked like leather and cigarettes. He'd be like, yeah, you you know the word of the day is alimony that's what i was gonna say damn it i almost said it fuck i'm gonna make you pay palimony to me we always uh tried to be in the audience or you could also be the kid at home that won the same prizes that the kid on the Bozo show won.

Bozo was the big leagues. Yeah, you had to throw a ping pong ball into buckets that were further and further away. And I think we sent in, and you could potentially be picked to be in the audience or to be the kid at home, and we didn't get either. They were like, Mrs. Lund, we we regret to inform you your kid is too gross we got drafted instead i had to be in the fucking marines for a year yeah jason took over and got to bang kim for a while oh you're jealous come on that's what you were doing no what's coming on yeah no i i loved blinky also we had you know we had uh we had drake jabs then we had rocky don't forget rocky rocky's autos rocky ripped rocky was awesome and uh when i did

tony and tina's wedding ever tell you about that no geez we're learning we are we don't know everything about each other when i think of tony and tina's wedding i think of stern howard stern somebody was on somebody was on what was in that play like fred's wife i think when there's tony and tina's wedding yeah something like that this is anyway let's get back to you no no keep telling us about no producers wives being in things i did stern baby derail anytime i see a rocky's hat it makes me think of a certain attorney we're not supposed to talk about who's that bobby oh yeah crane yeah yeah yeah the rockies yeah the rockies camouflage hat joke that cracked me up. It looks like if we slander Bobby, he can literally take us to court and defend himself.

Yeah, I'm saying he's awesome. He had a joke I still remember that I think about every time I see one of those hats at a car show. That's good. That's good that someone remembers Bobby did stand up because I've been trying to forget. Anyway, I did Tony and Tina's wedding when I was like 18 or 19 it was my first like

professional paid acting gig and uh i auditioned because i was at the bovine and they were like here's audition for tony's and tina's wedding so i went and i did that and i got the fucking role of the guy who like wants to break up the wedding because he used to be with tina so he's like drunk and like bobbing around and he sang a song. if you don't know about Tony and Tina's wedding people it was a live interactive dinner theater situation where you go and you attend a wedding in immersive yeah it was immersive yes it was immersive theater experience very post-modern very Derrida-esque you know from the Russian school and so they had all these actors

wandering around like some of the caterers were actors and like Tony and Tina were there and then you had the whole bridal party and the fathers and the sons and the holy ghosts and it was just like pretty much you know everyone's doing Italian blackface walking around being like manja manja meet the ball you know but the guy who played Tony was this guy Scott who was from Brooklyn and like him and the producer on the first like the first table read I was like being funny and afterwards they came over to me and they're like damn kid you're good how old are you and I was like I'm 18 and they're like stick with us kid we'll keep you safe so I just spent like two weeks hanging out with these two dudes from Brooklyn as they did cocaine, cheated on their wives, said racist stuff, didn't tip, smoked cigarettes in their hotel room.

And it was just like me and these two dudes. You love that. At the Warwick. We were at the Warwick for two weeks. Right there on, you know, right by the Wells Fargo on Grant. Oh, yeah. We just, or did we stay there? No. I think we have like 18th and Grant uh you know right by the wells fargo on on grant oh yeah we just or did we stay there no i think we have like 18th and grant you know i know what you're talking about though yeah 17th and grant maybe anyway yeah 18 between 17 18 on grant and it was just crazy and i like it

was the first time that i ever banged an older woman we were at the bar and i was drinking underage at the warwick because like scott and this other guy were like he's with us he's uh he's good people you know he's good police they went straight wire on him and uh and i remember uh this older lady i mean she was like 35 probably my age now she had him she was fucking stacked up just uh dolce de leche you know what i mean she had four of them she had enough for the whole class all right it was birthday cupcakes situation that's a lot of gum oh so much gum dude and i remember i was sitting there with scott and uh you know we're drinking whatever whiskey and she was like oh yeah you guys are funny um do you uh she's always talking

to us then she's like do you want to come up to my room to me and i looked at scott and he's like if you don't i will and she was like no you won't and i went up there and she dumped them and they flapped to her belly and i was like yes this rocks and then i i did her uh i savaged her her crevice and totally nutted in her like really gross stuff like bad news you knocked her up yeah she's raising my child somewhere

but and then I came back downstairs like an hour later and Scott sitting there at the piano and he was like how'd it go kid I was like this is the best day of my life mister and he's like manja manja gabagool um and then at tony and tina's wedding when we actually did the live performance uh mike raftery was there you know mike from comedy works yes he's there because it was a

tony and tina's wedding was produced by comedy works and he came and he saw me and he was like you're great i love you uh let me know when you have 20 minutes and i was like cool and then scott grabbed me and pulled me away from mike and i was like cool and then scott grabbed me and pulled me away from mike and we went in the bathroom and he handed me like the biggest piece of cocaine i've ever seen and a big long metal straw and he's like this is how you do it kid this is how you get ready for the show and he jams the straw in there and then just works this nasty one this big mouth and then he does he holds it up to me and i put my nose on the straw and he's like no you gotta dig kid and then he digs it around in there and then i took this huge

fuck the biggest most cocaine i've ever done in my entire life through this giant straw and then had to go out there and like talk to old people in character and i was just fucking gorked dude oh my god i forgot all about this whoa and one of the caterers this is the reason i brought up rocky's autos because one of the caterers was this super hot red-haired pale chick who was on one of the rocky's autos commercials yeah my buddy mark shansi who we did improv together were both trying to bang this girl and i ended up besting shansi and i betted her and i was like i think i banged three people in the two-week production of tony and tina's wedding and i was like well hollywood business yeah jesus next i've made it dude oh my god that was so much fun uh becker you instantly remember this redhead

i mean yeah i'm i'm definitely on some sort of spectrum and I remember most car things I've seen. Remember her? Especially the hot chicks, yeah. She was so hot, dude. And I was like, I had one of like the main roles you know, I was like a lead and she was one of the caterers and I was totally like, you know, power moving her God, she was hot.

She was in like two or three of them, right? She was, she was very pale, very red-headed. We gotta find her. Those ads very pale, very redheaded. Yeah. We got to find her. Those ads are probably on YouTube. Probably, yeah. Please no one harass her. No. For the love of God, if you guys dig her up, you fucking monsters, don't say a word.

She didn't have me back, so. Leave her alone. You blew it. I'm sure I blew it. Yeah. Was she older? No, I don't know. everyone was older than me i was like 18 or 19 years old well yeah i'm just curious if she was also 35 and you're like this is the

move no i think she was like 24 yeah i was gonna say she had to be in her 20s and she was on tv and i'm like look at me i made 600 i'm hanging out with a guy who says the n-word from brooklyn and i just bedded this pale horse she's been on tv she's famous the greatest i'm famous we're all famous wedding what a blast i wonder if they would have me back you were like a little improv donnie brasco. Dude, I was totally just caught up by these. I was swept away by these two men who like, I was like, these guys are so cool.

They get to travel the world doing Tony and Tina's wedding. And then you realize like, they didn't want to do this. You think that Scott who like, you know, graduated from Yale acting wanted to be fucking Tony in regional productions of dinner theater? Right. No, but I was like, damn, this guy rules. Oh, and then one night he called the lead singer the dropkick murphy's because they were friends and i got to talk to the lead singer the dropkick murphy's and i was like mr scott will you raise me

as your own i like brought up i gave him the fucking adoption papers you know yeah take me with you yeah literally take me with you i remember talking to the producer director guy the last night and I was like, you know, so where do you guys go off to next? And he's like, who knows, man, check the schedule. I think St.

Louis, maybe Memphis, who knows? And I was like, do you guys need any help? And he was like, you know, kid,

if we do, I got your number. And he like left me, he put the money on the dresser and left me there. I was heartbroken. You sucked him for nothing. And also so high on cocaine. Just that one performance?

Well, no, because I was doing cocaine with Scott because I wanted him to think I was cool and with it. But this was show night. So the straw was as big as my nipple around, like areola style. He gagged it into probably a quarter ounce of cocaine and was like go just like afraid I was gonna die you know I was like who cares if I do I went out an actor take me with you makes me think of when I was the referee for the little person wrestling at

I thought they were gonna take me with them a young that was your ladder to the top a young 33 year old I thought that was my ticket out of town. Yeah, you thought that you were going to have dinner with Vince the next night. Oh, man. Man. God, that was a fun gig for you. Well, yeah. I mean, it was pretty good money for doing practically nothing.

Was it eight shows a day? No, it was like three. But it was just a match. It was like a five-minute minute match i wonder if any of those guys are going to be the prankster at my brother-in-law's party there's little there's little person wrestling coming to a bar down here fuck when i don't know i'm not i don't think i'm gonna go what if you see your old friends i doubt it these guys might have aged out they might have had to retire from the ring it was six years ago they were older i think so hopefully they get retirement from the lollipop

guild come on yeah their union i opened for a british rapper last night at the comedy fort he was nice what whoa chris turner he's chris turner the rap god he's a white guy and he like freestyles i don't know i left to go have dinner with my wife against her will what she wasn't hungry she was so pissed i was like you want to get dinner and she's like can't you just cook dinner and i was like i have to go open at the comedy fort and she was like all right i'll meet you at the mexican place we went there and she had very bad vegetarian fajitas and was just like pouting the whole time she's like i wish i could watch my fucking shows i work so much and i was like oh yeah we watched love is blind

yeah you were practicing your spanish she's like, just shut up. Just order. Just order in English. Tu preparas los fajitas con azucar? Yeah. Nailed it. I know. Sugar? Fajitas with sugar.

Tu preparas los fajitas con azucar. I want to know if they used sugar in the fajitas. Oh, so that you could have them? I didn't ask that in Spanish. I'm not a fucking full spy. I'm not that undercover, dude. Did they? Were they cheating on the onions?

Oh, dude. They were very, very sweet. That's why I think I'm so dizzy this morning, because I ate a bunch of sugar last night but you know what are you gonna do yeah where am i at uh plug that ass i gotta go up to denver i gotta go up to denver tomorrow for 51st jokes got a show in trinidad March 26th. We've got Dr. Kev coming down with Kate McLaughlin.

So that'll be another fun show at Main Street Live. I think that's all I've got for March. So that's fun. Megan's going out of town. Oh shit, when? St. Patty's Day week. i think she's gone like this march 16th through the 20th or something it's always so weird when she's gone like when i'm gone hey live on the road that's my deal but uh yeah with the roles reversed i turned into a fucking weirdo i'll probably eat a bunch of like

taco bell mcdonald's i'll feel like shit oh yeah you're the you're the worst when you're on your own you're so gross i'll think this place is haunted i'll forget to feed the dogs it's it's a weird ride she's going to come home and uh george michael's going to be on your laptop and you're going to be in the cage he won fair and square and george recording a pod shooting on the ground with mama having a seizure yeah i i take her seizure meds yeah so that's gonna be it's gonna be a real roll of the dice when it comes to, uh, potential outcomes. I am not going to be okay,

but come see him tomorrow at 51st jokes in Denver, Colorado. I won't be there, but I will be at the roaring donkey in Petaluma on Sunday, the 6th of March next weekend. After that, is that California? Yeah.

Petaluma, North of San Francisco. Oh. 11th and 12th, I am at the Denver Comedy Underground at the Athena Center. I'm not sure. Denver Comedy Underground. Get tickets to that. I think they'll sell out.

I think that's right. Athena. The 16th, I'm in Toronto, opening for Tim Dillon somewhere. The 17th, 18th, 19th, I'm at Comedy On State in Madison, Wisconsin. Come on out. We made t-shirts just for that event. Donnie Townsend's on it. 20th, 21st, 23rd, Key West, Florida at Comedy Key West.

And then the 26th, I'm opening for Tim Dillon's recording at the Paramount Theater. Two shows. Go get tickets to those. SamTalent.com has what you need if you're nasty. Hopefully I don't need an angioplasty. Oh, wait. March 25th is... No, that's it. March 25th is

Lucha Libre and Laughs. Come to Lucha Libre and Laughs. Come watch Lund. Carry the weight. Yeah, I gotta give an F5 to Mitch Jones. Oh, it's you and Mitch? Yeah. Oh, that's good. Anyway,

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