Chubby Behemoth - Penis Of The Month Club

Episode Date: September 6, 2025

SEE THE BOYS LIVE - https://www.samtallent.com/     SPONSORS: Factor - Support the show & get 50% off your first Factor box, plus free breakfast for a year with the code CHUBBY50OFF at https://www.factormeals.com/CHUBBY50OFF     Prize Picks - Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/CHUBBY and use code CHUBBY and get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup!     PATREON EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth     This week the boys start out imagining being in waterbeds. Nathan recalls escaping the hair flotillas, found the limits, and is catching every other word because he’s standing 69ing. Sam called his shot, explains what he likes about Mormon doctrine, and has expanded his plans for his greenhouse displays.     Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

welcome i can't hear you he said welcome to your nightmare he said welcome to your nightmare ha ha ha ha ha chubby behemoth chubby behemoth is anything but a nightmare it's a delightful hour in your week it's a wet dream yeah two hours if you're nasty it's a wet it's a wet dream in a waterbed you imagine that oh my god it would be so hot and it would be so sticky never never experienced it spent the night on my buddy conrad's water bed jacked it while he slept but that was a chair and a chair i talked about it like five years ago i bet you did podcast has been five years uh running this podcast is the same age as my niece jacked it next to my buddy he passed out he had he had he had unscramble out after you jacked it no he had passed out because he was so disgusted he had unscrambled porn he fainted he had he had

all of the porn channels yeah and i used that from that's literally what i'm telling you yeah i've jacked off because i could see the porn well because i had grown up on scrambled i had audio porn audio only i had over easy and my dad stuff my dad had tapes and playboys but as far as like yeah i to have it on scrambles the whole it was coming out of plato's cave and seeing seeing the real world yeah you saw the sun when you just been looking at a fucking flickering light bulb for all your life but yeah he had a water bed and we would split it sometimes but never never never never had the wet dream in that water bed that would have been tough you probably would have spilled so much seed if you went to bed without jacking what but you watch a bunch of porn and you're like

all right i'm gonna sleep this one off you would have spilled so much seed because you would have been at sea you would have been floating you know you would have thought that you were laying on a boob and then you just spurt like fucking old faithful but the issue would have been is that the osmosis that would occur through the membrane that is the water bed the salinity of your sea trying to be sucked back in through the water, that you would have ruptured it due to how salty your, I'm guessing 14-year-old load was back then. I was high school, so 15, 16.

So that's a lot of like Papa John's, that's a lot of little seizures. Yeah, you have a car. You had sulfuric load. And it would have destroyed the bed. And then you would have had to tell Connor that you were doing the right thing. Conrad.

Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah. con rad that's right huh i've been saying conner for what 12 years now or seconds no every time i talk about your best friend you know my rival connor aka conrad i guess huh i tell whenever i go on other people's pods they're like so what's going on and i'm like i don't know my buddy nathan's got this guy this connor and every time we do our podcast he won't stop talking about him how used to jack off together. He had a better cooler bed than me.

He did a funny thing where before I saw his place, before I went to his house, we talked online a bunch and he made it sound like he had this massive estate. He'd be like, oh, you know, he'd go away from the computer and come back and be like, sorry, I took the golf cart over to the West Wing to check in on my dindin or whatever. And then I go over there, it's just like a little ranch out, you know, it's completely normal. It was very funny. Great bit. The power of aim.

You know, visual play, trickery. He created a whole world. Yeah, no, he was always very funny. I took the headfirst cannonball from him and made it my own. Head first cannonball. You don't really do that much anymore. I do it. Not when it's three and a half feet, like the shitty pool here that you're dying to get back to.

I want to get in the tub. You want the hot tub, which had more hair in it than on my back. You nailed me so hard. There were all these mutants down there looking at kids. it was a real whack pack and then kids with the dads who had lost everything and was to bring your own the pool was the only safe space come dip your spies they couldn't lose money in the pool and so they had to be in there uh because they couldn't trust themselves and then the creeps that looked like us but worse to some degrees or others but then you said my back was like

the worst part of the worst thing in the pool area you were in there being like uh there's some hair in the phone. There's so much hair and like soap scum in the hot tub and you're like, I love it, I'm drinking it. The surface of Mars is right here. It's a crazy white expanse that's just, you know. My back is right in front of your face? Yes. I literally

told you, all right, there's plenty of room in here as I moved away from you. Because you were just right here. Because I was trying to get away. As you're lamenting and spinning. I was trying to get away from the hair flotillas that were trying to deliver aid to Gaza. Well, meanwhile, I had that fucking loaf of bread. there was dropped on a barbershop floor just spinning in front of my face as you're like got a lot of

gross guys in here i'm like are there because i can only see one i was shielding you i was trying to protect you from new horrors allen and bradley a couple of dual pale bodies wearing celtics jerseys was that a shan bradley jersey from when he played with the celtics like his last year i didn't think about it i think it was sean bradley Look, if you're a Celtics fan, let me know, I thought Sean Bradley ended up over there when they got rid of Robert Parrish, when they finally chopped down the old oak tree. When they counted his rings, they were like, who's the next weirdest, oldest freak? Yeah, I'm not sure.

But also, and that's the one that the guy bought, Sean Bradley towards the end of his, you know, fucking disappointment of a career? You think that guy bought that, Sean Bradley jersey? He doesn't know what a basketball is. He shaped like one. sports balls he wouldn't he wouldn't pick basketball he'd be like that first try well that one's clearly a pumpkin so like nice try those go into pies i know my cinderella's all right you can't sneak any cindorelli's by me what's that cinderella but he's such a fan that he calls it cinderella like the like gus gus yeah and the pumpkin that turns into the coach so that guy's like

look look look i know about sports the one thing i know more about cindorelli guy gus gus cuss you see my tattoo I don't know if you're getting picked up over there What do you mean? You were going down low Hey turn it up like a noob Turn it up in the town car like I'm Noss All right

But yeah So there were there were some fat gross guys Disgusting you Loving it Well it was just like I don't know how you can Three and a half feet No fun in the three and a half foot pool

Yeah you can't do a head foot game I'm looking for it Yeah I'm looking for a deep end and it's all three and a half feet and you know that woman in the elevator i said hey how's the have you been to the pool oh yeah how is it oh it's great what part of it is great that there's so many people with their newborns in here with a kid who's constantly pissing and shitting there was there was a five-day old baby in there getting baptized and dragged like like they wanted it to know that it was it was it was like they were going to raise it half the time in the

water. Yeah. They're about to try to cross the English channel with a kid. Yeah, the youngest kid that cross the English channel.

They're doing it in a pumpkin. That's where that Bradley guy was there. He's like, that's the baby that's crossing in the pumpkin. Celebrities. I saw Tayshan Prince earlier. I did. Or was the Cloverfield monster.

I'm not sure. Yeah, I'm not sure either. But you did see Dwight Howard. No, a guy that works here. He was in the pool, just up to his knees. He hated it. Yeah. splish splash yeah getting his chest wet

getting his ball he's like I got just got to get my balls wet he's splashing himself guy in the elevator said he might have seen him and I was like to myself in my head I'm like you know what he looks like Tayshan was only in the league a few years Dwight Howard was a huge stink no I'm saying I wasn't positive it was Tayshan I saw him from far away Shane Batier saw what I wanted to see no don't get more comfortable why I'm so comfy you were in frame I showed off my new hot body earlier.

Now, who knows? Yeah. No, I know. You could be anywhere. I'm right here. No, go to bed. It's just, it's funny to be there with who many, according to most of society, you know, if they were that close to your back, they would have shot their gun in the air, called the police, called the police, pulled the fire alarm. A horse would have freaked out, ran away, bolted.

And you're literally going like, oh, look at these jagoffs. Gross, right? Whatever. And I just have, I have your lower back hair in my mouth. Oh, no, that was already in the hot. I'm flossing with your tramp stamp tattoo. Well, yeah, and then I, I countered by saying that your front and my back would make a real hell of a specimen. Well, yeah.

Because you're hanging loose. You're going to need to get liposuction or something. Not hanging loose. Deskinned. Yeah. Not hanging. You're one of those where you look worse, skinny. So that's cool.

Such a motherfucker. Tighten it up. Do some crunch. or else you're going to have a whole party going on. Hey, you know what we should do? We should see if we can get Sophie to do a facial to your back. And maybe if she pays per yard, we can get it for like 600 bucks. It looks crazy back there.

Yeah, I'm sure it does. You have so many soars. You're covered in sores. And you're getting in a hot tub with an Indian man. And I'm just sitting there looking at your festering wounds. He's beautiful. He's great. He was pretty smooth.

I got in there, gave them a, you know, room for one more. Bombing. And then you pop your top off. It looks like you rolled around in fucking cherry warheads. You looked really cool. I didn't look cool. I looked disgusting. I don't need to get skin removed yet, though.

All right. Oh, my God. I love every square inch of you. You should have your skin removed, too. Maybe we're going to two for one deal. Yeah. I should peel you. Dude.

Oh, my God. God. So we do the fantasy draft for Mel's, my brother-in-law's league. And Keith and Luke and Sophie and Mel and I and Emily. It's her first year in the league. So we're all in our living room. And Keith is like on a laptop. He has an iPad.

You know, he's got Bluey on the iPad. He's over here looking up Boy Meets World. He acts like he's like... Topanga, 1991. He looks like he's in Tron, how intensely he's taking this draft like he's being lowered into like a mind shaft and he has to like hack out within 60 seconds or he lives in the earth so anyway every pick he makes luke is making fun of him it's funny we're having a good time keith makes another pick luke's make fun of him and then luke you know

like around pick five he says well yeah keith but your team it's just going to be hard for them to play he's laying on the ground he can't he can't control if he's like laughing he's buckling They're not going to be able to play Because they don't have any skin Why? They're all skinless man You got skinless players He was stoned to the bone

We're all fucked up We're so stoned I'm sick I'm in a fever dream And when he says the skinless thing It was so funny We all start laughing And then when he makes his neck

next pick Emily says oh no it's just that guy's like he only he only play in domes because he doesn't have any skin so then the last like seven rounds are all of us just oh my god I mean they're going to have to spend so much money on sunscreen man I'm another skinless guy the skinless thing so Emily around round 11 gets at her phone or she has her phone on already we're drafting where she starts laughing and she's looking at her phone i'm like what are you laughing at she turns and she's over there and she's like doing her quiet laugh like her like i'm like that's gonna be good so then keith takes his pick and then he says oh what's what's this he opens up a venmo and he says oh wow emily just sent me ten dollars so i can buy my players skin

whoa that's pretty good so funny man what uh what else did she just do she did the thing yes the other night i you know after sending her to the peaks of sexual revelry don't what let it go what i did i did a good job yeah i know you're really trotting towards first you're taking your time you're looking at it oh yeah you flipped the bat yeah for sure did the mile high saloon i pointed before too i called my shot I said, I'm going to fucking beat up that cervix like I'm Mike Tyson. And she said, you need to leave. Not just the room, but the house.

Yeah. No, but anyway, so I'm going downstairs. She puts on her SVU. She falls asleep at SVU, like all normal women whose brains are good. And I put in my AirPods at the bottom of the stairs. And I immediately started hearing, you know, like, she was 12 years old. But she really knew how to ride like she was 30. You know, some guy like fucking dripping, some character actor, like rock hard under the table.

Yeah, they wouldn't All of the SVU dialogue is insane. It's like, oh, yeah, it was her Kienzniere and I split her open like a pinia. Is that what you want to hear Benson? Is that what you want to hear, detective? It's insane. Maybe you're the freak.

That's how it is every time, yeah. Hey, I've been there. It's like, I've been a gardener. You know how to... Hainous, more like anus. Oh, sure, yeah. Like 100. No, easily 100 times.

100 last year. Yeah, for sure. We moved away from SVU a few years back, but it was in heavy rotation, for sure. So I have AirPods in. I'm hearing SVU dialogue. I know where it's coming from. I assume Emily's going to not hear it, and then she's going, this has happened before. Disconnect, blah, blah, blah.

But instead, SVU stops, and then in my AirPods, I hear... Poh. Emmy immediately, knowing the opportunity she has, struck with Greatest Fart Sounds YouTube compilation. I said, Excelsior, the students become the teacher. Yeah, you want to go for round two? Because I'm even harder now. It's back. It's back.

I'm like Dexter's dad. And my penis is Dexter. teaching it how to hurt for good you're dark passenger it's black that's why I'm so good at sex now he's like a black guy's dick and penis in the month club

penis trade yeah sometimes you get a small one you're like god damn it well I guess at least it's February You'd think This would be the month When I'd get the dick that I wanted

But no Sometimes it's a little small But they're all It's just kind of You're along for the ride Yeah yeah And so are they Take the good with the bad

First of the month is so much fun Maybe that The small one You talk more And then you get ramped up For the next month And hope that it's massive 28 days of anal

You get the small one And she's like Fuck God damn it. Damn it. Ugh. Ow.

I know what this means. All right. I'm going to the UP for a couple weeks. You stay here. I'm going to go to the UP. You pee on your balls for the next 28 days. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. one time that's a sponsor next week so we shouldn't we did a bunch of ecstasy in high school and then like the next morning i went to piss outside and i was just like standing outside like oh and then i looked down and my balls are becoming very warm and i had just i had no penis my penis had been stolen in the night oh yeah there was a mix up at the penis of the month club and i didn't get my package you traded it for more ecstasy oh yeah no it was in up city u.s jordan i had nothing i had a whisper of rumor yeah and i was just like oh no and i was pissing like on it's like not even on my

it was like going through my pubs like it was like filtered a spray of mist yeah that was the smallest my hogs ever been outside oh it's a tough morning take the good you take the bed it's the facts of life that's right it's like like on like the cast of the facts of life you had joe hot Toots, Tootie, Tootsey? I'm not, you're so much older than me sometimes, yeah. When you were taking ecstasy, what was Emily doing? Learning colors? Yeah, she was working on shapes.

She didn't have object permanence. She's tiny. She just turned 23. It doesn't matter. 23 years old. We've been together for 15 years, which is weird. I did that joke so many times on her birthday. Do you want to tell people your new favorite?

joke from last night or no oh god that's so good i guess it's so good you know i said something my mom you know my mom's dead you know ever since she's died i've ever since she died i've been so hungry been so hungry since she died something like that everyone went nuts no i you went nuts i did the robot you ryan donahue threw up in the back of the room he did love very good comedian. I was out there, solid comedian, if I do say so. And I didn't think it was great, but you sure did. It's awesome. Something got nothing, man. What got nothing? Ah, it was funny. I don't know. It was just like the only thing, because it was very fun show. But, man, some random aside, I think, did not get anything. And I was like, well, small dick club strikes again.

Well, here's what you do if you're in the dick of the month club is it's a take a dick, leave a dick. not using your dick anymore, you can, like, loan it out to people who might be smaller than you. You have an old, like, you know, kind of like elephant snout type dick. You know, it's just hanging there. You keep sitting on it. You're 71. She's been dead for eight years. You were supposed to go first. You know, that's why you didn't quit smoking. So, he's got this, like, long, floppy, you know, vestigial tail hanging. It just reminds you of the fun you used to have. And you got to, like, tape it up when you go to your swim class. So you're like, hey, what do I do with this?

Well, hey, listen to this. Dick of the Month Club. You're not using that thing. Why don't you loan it out? And then there's like a, you know, 22-year-old IT guy who's just got this new lease on life. He loves sitting on his dick. He loves not being able to use revolving doors. He loves having to buy new shorts.

Yeah, I figured, I guess, to get started, you sent your dick in. So you don't have it. And then you get a new one. so you so you do you have to do a month without a dick no no

prove you want in it's like you sign up you send it in as soon as they get it they ship it out and then do they three days or whatever

so you send your dick in so there's like 72 hours where you're sands hog and maybe are they like trying to make sure that they send you one that's bigger or girthier or like why do they have to assess yours first

to make sure you own a penis I think it I think it's just, like, to get in, initiation. Right, you have to prove the you. There's some stakes involved. You don't just get a second dick to live fancy free. Because then, like I said, if you got a bad one, a smaller one than their own, you would be making a killing on that.

You would just have, yeah, you would just have your original dick for that month, but that's not how it works. You take the good, with the bad, peaks and valleys. Facts of Life again. All right. Tudy. Did you fall asleep to Facts of Life last night? no i said take the good take the bad because of your penis riff your cool penis idea cool penis of

the month uh yeah so that's all we're here at the bohican sun casino we sure are we're having the time of our life i'm up uh i think 40 bucks well i'm down from 25 last night so i'm up it's 15 bucks not bad not bad 20 in the hole yeah you're down but you took a beating virtual blackjack Which I liked Because minimum bet $5 Instead of 15 I know but I just hate

When they only take one card Because I know I'm getting boned somehow I don't know how I'm getting bone But I am getting boned Did you see that Jalen Hertz Initially spit Or no sorry What's his name?

Dack Prescott spit first No Yes That came out today Yes Huh And he just did it in like Like you know

Spitting a hair out of your mouth Like they were having a conversation, obviously, probably he did, he did happen to spit, but it was not like a hawk toa on that thing. Accident? I don't know, but then Carter seems to reciprocate with his hot luge. Right, but that was the real deal. I don't think that Carter should have been eating cream cheese before

the said Lugie. He had a tub of Philly and he was out there just eating it. He dips his mouthpiece in it. They're a sponsor. Philadelphia cream cheese, Philadelphia Eagles. What am I, Noah? Doesn't he have that joke? What do they make it out of eagles? Isn't that his joke?

Cream cheese. I don't want cream cheese made out of eagles. Not bad. Yeah. Are you all right? Skinless in Seattle. I'm good. I feel like you're counting the ceiling tiles over there.

No, I'm stoned. Oh, yeah. And you really blasted me about how ugly and gross I am. After you blasted me? You want to go back to the pool. No. I didn't say a single thing. skin is hanging off me like I'm a fucking raggedy and all caught in the wind.

That's how I started that. Yes. No. You literally said that I was gross and I needed to have all my flesh cut off. And then I said, well, you want to talk about gross flesh first? I'm right here. There's no way. Also, if I said it first today, no.

I don't think I did. But yesterday, you started it because I wasn't loving the hot tub like you. And so you had to like make me feel bad. Your body was in my face. Did I not tell you? yesterday. Hey, there's plenty of room in here. Yes. Okay. Because you couldn't be bothered. I had my spot.

I... You're spinning and looking at the foam. I had to get away from the gross hair that was in there that I thought you would be a turnoff to you. And who's over here? Who cares? Okay. Listener, at 12 o'clock, we have the entrance. At 6 o'clock, we have me. At 9 o'clock, we have the Indian man. At 3 o'clock, a bunch

of hair. At fucking 1 through 5 o'clock, we have Nathan. I don't want to get in there. Just bumping around. Yeah. All right. Well, I didn't mean to hurt you, but you came at me first, so I reciprocated. Oh, yes. Who shot Mr. Burns?

Not at all. Not Maggie. Not little Maggie over there. Oh, whey. Well, I can't pod now. Prostitute time. Why don't you go get a whore? Let's start to do-

Get better at sex. Oh, God. That's your whole thing to say. Golly. Nuclear option. That's you. Nuclear option here on the pod. Cheating on your wine.

fantastic and then acting like the other night doing kegles after good intercourse my wife i was like it's going well and she's like yes you've gotten much better what's that about and i said i've been using prostitutes and she didn't care for that this was during pillow talk mood ruin and i told you and now you feel like this is the time interesting i don't know what you want to use and not you maybe i bring that up if i want to talk about that maybe that's how it works well then cut it out no we can't cut it out because you're you know you're here for the page check you don't want to do any more time sure you could meal prep and have 15 Tupperware containers in the fridge you suck or you could eat Factor meals Factor send chef prepared meals straight to your door

this is just like growing up for you and they've even expanded their menu you don't want to talk about your feelings what do we do talk about what we're going to eat I don't know if you care or not so I throw it out there you want to keep talking about how you had to see my back and it scarred you like you got touched your back was scarred and that's why I was hurt now with more than 65 weekly meal options every day can have a totally different vibe and a totally different dick no batch cooking required i'm sick of cooking batches i don't want to cook another batch oh batch four coming right at you oh hey you guys need their batch out there no i will say i don't live in a submarine i don't need batches some people can do a big meal freeze it eat it it over a couple weeks and it works for them.

And that's called batch cooking. That's not for everybody. No, this is meal prep. This is different somehow. They prep your meals and they send them to you. Yeah, this is better. So you don't have to do it yourself. I'm saying that works for some people.

Right. But it's not for everybody. Sometimes as soon as you've had that meal, the rest of that meal looks like poison. Oh, it looks terrible. Garbage. God forbid you use avocado in your salad. And then the next day, it looks like someone came in,

ate it and then shit it back in 12 hours later. That's right. Yes. The only people who should be cooking batches are Mormon housewives. Okay, so now we're friends again. So now we're back on the same page. Sure. You try to rip the book in half. Well, guess what? My glue is too solid. All right? So yes, Mormon housewives who should be cooking for all their 12 kids and, you know, what if they had three husbands? Oh, that would suck. Reverse polyamory in the Mormon tradition, the ancient Mormon tradition, not the modern LDS church, would be fundamentalists. That would suck for women. Then they have three husbands they have to service?

Maybe they would love it, though. No, it's the only good the other way if the guy gets to bang three chicks. That's what I like about the Mormon doctrine is guys rock was written on their tablet. Sermon on the Mountain Dew. Sermon on Mountain D. Get on me. So yes, so Mormon wives should be cooking batches. And then if you live in some kind of like punk rock house, yes, make a bunch of spaghetti.

let everyone eat it and then i guess sailors sailors need batches yeah i cooked up a big old batch i did what goulash yeah yeah beats beats and eggs that's what i've been eating what no of course not can you imagine a worst thing to shit into a bowl i don't know what to guess what's going on over there with your new life beats and eggs i'm right around the corner i'm getting there. I'm feeling the change. We didn't finish our pizza. We didn't finish our pizza. We didn't finish our pizza. We didn't finish two small pizzas. Yeah, from Frank Pepe's, the best pizza in all the Mohican Sun Casino. Not bad. Yes, but what is good? The opposite of bad. Factor. You take the good. You take the good. Guess what? You must have signed up for Factor.

There's no batch in your Factor meal. Mealtimes. All right? Hey, Charlie, get out of the huddle. Yeah, batch. Stealers. Mealtime up a lot more than most people. Mealtimes couldn't be easier. Just heat a factor meal up in the microwave or on a skillet for two minutes and you're good to go eat smart at factormeels dot com slash chubby 50 off and use code chubby 50 off your first box jesus why the fuck did i look up plus free breakfast for a year that's code shubby 50 off at factormeals dot com did i say that why don't you read one imagine beckfast dude you sign up up and you have to have breakfast with Becker every day. He shows up every day.

He eats all of your Factor. You get like a month worth of Factor meals and Becker comes over and eats like half of them and then he's like, oh, you got, can I smoke in here? He's already smoking. Can I smoke in? Yeah. Come on, man. How old's your daughter?

That's code. That's go chubby 50 off at FactorMeals.com for 50% off your first box plus free breakfast for one year. Get delicious, ready to eat meals delivered with Factor. offer only valid for new Factor customers with code and qualifying auto-renewing subscription purchase. Nude Factor customers. That's you. Next up. Suicide.com. You type it in, you give them your address, they make it look like a suicide.

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It's good to be right. Oh, the video music awards are back. They're back. What the fuck? They're on CBS. Even cooler than MTV ever was. CBS, the Young Sheldon Network. Brings you the Video Music Award.

hosted by L.L. Cool, Jay. Also, was... Because what's old is old, and it's what old is new. They were video music. They were music videos, but then it was the VMAs. Why? The video music awards. Why the fuck? Because they initially, I think... Why didn't we do something about this when we were young? It was right there in front of us the whole time. We just let them do it.

God, they used us, and we signed right up. What the hell? I think they initially gave awards to music videos. That's what... Oh, wait. So you get like... Like coolest video, rockinous video, gruevious video, most bodacious video. Right.

But then what changed? Best mudvane video. What changed? MTV's not a network anymore unless you want to watch ridiculousness? They were the VMAs when MTV was MTV. They were the video music awards. They honored music videos, but also musicians, I guess. All right.

Turned into a who cares situation pretty quick. I thought there was something. There's nothing. No. There's the movie awards. Those are separate. Those are called the Oscars, right? No, no, no.

MTV had its own movie awards. Best Kiss, best villain. Those are the VMAs. No. Yes. Video music awards. Or is it the video movie awards? No, it was just movie awards.

What about AVN? Now we're talking. No. I'm stuck to the water bed. Oh, my God. Can you imagine going to the ABA? Come me. Pry me off.

Get the pry bar. You're going to roll me over. Get some nail polish. remover. What, do your sword stick again? No, no, no. It's goo. I didn't always have these.

Want to know how I got these sores? I do. I like to wear a shirt a couple days in a row. And you roll around in dog dander all the time. The dogs don't help. Your shirtless constantly. Yes. And the dogs bring in a bunch of freaking dirt and dander.

Damn, Megan must love you so much. She does. You're just shirtless all the time. Pretty much. Is she nude as well? No. you are so modest you cover oh you cover your totally normal cool torso that everybody loves i didn't grow up shirtless can't be made fun of this is night and day this is zeros and ones

it's different lives your dad was nude you were had four shirts on i was he had to peel me like an onion every night before my bath and they also had to get a bigger tub every six months your mandatory bath my state issued bath or they're going to take me away again meanwhile as a child I was clothed. Uh-huh. And probably scabblous. Then you get older and, I mean, scabbed up from falling off my bike and shit. Sure, yeah, yeah, from getting pussy.

But not sores from dirt getting trapped in my hairy pores. That should be, we should, for the Patreon, we should do the raffle where some lucky winner gets to come over and count your sores. No. Yes. We could assign a ticket number. each soar and then pick a winner the people at home get a number they make enough tickets you don't win a you don't win a cowboy's helmet you get a bag of hair from the hot tub some of it's mine yeah some of

it's in there curtis everett's maybe the original patreon subscriber yeah just said uh recently his yeah his uh wife uh said it's time to take nathan lun's bag of hair off of the the fridge she put her foot down good for her i mean she looked at it for five years every time she wanted a snack i've been looking at it for 10 years bag of hair pretty funny yeah uh good for her i said i guess this is growing up mm-hmm moving up moving on take it to the man cave curtis yeah i don't know if he threw it away or just like hit it he told her he threw it away you know what i hope he did put it in a hot tub i took a bunch of the hair because mel gave me a haircut I took that hair

and I put it in the bottom of one of the holes from my paw-paw tree that I planted I took that hair and I took some of the we had like a bonfire the night before

so we had a bunch of like charcoal and stuff like actual wood charcoal and I ground some of that up and I put it in there and I poured a medello in there too and then put the tree right on top of it so that thing's not going to make it

a bunch of hair and charcoal and loose bark I thought charcoal was good probably i don't know i don't know it's carbon it's all just carbon that's good for soil you know haven't gotten into that game you got to ask brent he was on that dialed in his weed and soil and nitrogen and shit yeah so i've i'm doing a couple weed plants in the greenhouse when i get home i'm so excited oh yeah yeah yeah auto see auto blow auto feminized seed you're gonna have an auto blow in there.

Yeah. Getting, getting sucks. In the greenhouse, nude. Yes. It's like taking the solarium show, but now, you know, the band broke up. So I'm doing the one-man show in the greenhouse. A little wide project.

You just, it's me, and I have a bowl, and I have my phone, and I put on the stroke and put it in the bowl, and then you just hear, the neighborhood just hears, oh, wow, um, was I'm back there getting stroked. the auto blow Emily's still doing her show in the salarium

with a different guy nobody's looking no one's looking at me no everybody's looking at you oh so Emily's been on TV right so I've still you know Will Smith and I'm playing on the floor

like lightning bolt that's right everybody's like yeah I guess but yeah once once you start up oh and then you know the show is about to be over when the cicada starts she's looking at a bunch of hairy backs Yeah, because they're looking at you.

Oh, yeah, they're shirtlets. Everyone else is nude, too. It's the end of hereditary in your backyard. A bunch of nude, old people. Enthralled, reverent. Skin, skinless. And everyone can hear it really loud because it's in the greenouts. Yeah, the walls aren't as thick.

Shit, I'm rattling that thing, dude. The glass is breaking. Yeah, it's shattering. It ruins your weed. You're like, my stash. Call it my stash. My secret stash. We all know it's in there.

It's a greenhouse. Everybody's clocking it right away. I turn around after a... Oh, oh. And I turn around. I'm like, hey, what are you guys doing here? Yeah. Come all over the glass.

They think I came. My fake came. And I turn around to do the joke I do every time. I'm like, oh, I didn't see you there. they're all like and then it's like the end of it's like in midsummer like people start jumping off my house

these old people's heads popping like melons bampana oh wait a minute Emily's got like three Emily's got three chicks and Dwight Howard in the Celerium.

No one's watching. I'm coming on the inside of my greenhouse. People are tributing. Yeah. That's the show. Everybody's now looking at the roof. But Emily thinks they finally have come to their senses. She's like, okay, okay.

Someone in here. Someone in here. Go. And then she's like, oh, they're actually, it's like they're looking above us. What are they looking at? And then they see the body plummet right in front. She's like, oh, what the thing?

And sees it. Like, oh, God. And then everybody leaves. Yeah. Everyone's like, ugh. Snaps them out of their repsodic throws. Start putting their clothes back on. Oh, see you work tomorrow.

Shit. Same time. See you guys tomorrow. They brought their clothes. They didn't show up, dude. They didn't walk over. I like to think they drove over. I like to think they ran to my house like in weapons.

Just nude. running through the neighborhood. Nerudo style. Oh, no, it's 633. You know what that means? Just a bunch of guys running through it. It's all dudes. There's no chicks.

Mostly dudes. A couple of ladies. When I spray on the glass, then they all, also, they reciprocate and they, on the outside. Birds are flying into it, getting stuck, like bats. The greenhouse is covered in bats.

yeah try and teach that in your comedy school that's all gold who's that for steve hoffstetter yeah podcast 101 that came and went cut to me hosting a podcasting seminar oh fuck do it no no no teach them you know what i will do i will go to uh new brunswick New Jersey next weekend at the stress factory with you and then I'll be in Sacramento and also Detroit don't forget about Detroit I'm doing the Sam Talent and Friends show on September 16th the headliners initials are ST and it's not me that's all I can say Sacramento's coming up Austin Texas get your tickets at samtallat com how about that a plug in the middle Sal Volcano Svvvu Svu

South Volcano University that's where I'm teaching that podcast seminar might as well plug the Patreon Hey why not man This is the free one But we also do a Patreon episode every week $5 a month Gets you access to all of those Five years worth

And more burps Pretty much five years worth Of Patreon episodes Ready for you Five dollars Please join it Please tell people to check out this podcast Somebody just called us

Like a diminutive Small Batch Fucking podcast On Reddit And it made me mad I want more people to listen Our YouTube numbers aren't like staggering But we do very well

in like the audio. If people don't want to see this, believe it or not. You see this a couple times, you're like, I get it. Yeah, gross. I'm going to wait until I hear an audio episode where they talk about how they're fit and trim, and then I'll get on to the YouTube. But guess what? On the Patreon, the feet are free. This is a free one, and we're showing feet.

Fuck. Yeah, you just blew it. That's a real power move situation. But yes, please help us. grow this word of mouth uh find a fellow weirdo turd of grass and tell them to check us out because i know we're doing this better than most oh yes that do this we're funny we care so you didn't care for the first maybe 20 of this one i was high as hell and then you piss me off so i'm gonna blame you for both of those things all right hey legal eyes man hey here's my question to anyone out

there if you've ever grown poppies specifically bread poppy see Let me know how that went Because I'm going to have some questions Not about really the bloom, but mostly the bulb Trying to make tea I'm going to have Becker over and relapse him I'm going to secretly relapse him with opium poppy tea Imnotes him like and get out

Dude that'd be sick If I could run some kind of like race-based hypnotic farm At my house Dick of the month Dick of the month Oh it's happening We're going to need that green house and the solarium.

I feel like we wouldn't have a lot of African-American men signing up. You live in Detroit. Well, I know, but they're not going to get a good deal. Like, the top end of the hogs is going to peter out faster than your intro-level hogs. Like, if you've got a three and a half and your fingers crossed for a five, that's great. We've got plenty of fives for it. But if you're coming in at seven and you're looking to get like nine or ten, we're not going to have that. and God forbid you come in at 10

looking for some novelty prop propeller. That's all I'm saying. Adjoining rooms are fun. Where's that going? I was going to throw it on the ground. Wherever you want. Yeah, that's in my pocket. Throw it into your room from here.

I don't have my glasses on for some reason. It's awesome. Nice. Do it with your left hand. Blue it. Well, left hand is better for darts. I'm a lefty on darts. Really?

That's it. It's the only thing you do left hand is a dart. I'm really good at it. Throw a dart. That's so funny. Yeah. I mean, I'm like, you know,

300 throwing turkeys all the time. No, you're not. But... I'm a scratch bowler. I wonder what, but right-handed. Scratch bowler. When it comes to the darts.

Mm-hmm. All right. Dardist. Emily and Brent went golfing. The dartist. Yeah. They were gone for six hours. They only played nine holes.

They come back. Emily's puking. Yeah. Emily just was puking. a bunch. Brent was smiling. Real big. Brent had a different shirt on. He's like, oh, I sweated through it. How? How? It's wicking. It's wicking. It's like, hey, man. A lot of holes. That would be a bummer. My wife was cheating on me with Brent. You were using prostitute. She was using Brent. I couldn't use a prostitute. I would feel so bad. Why? For Emily or for them?

For me? What do I need a prostitute for? It's gross. I have everything I need in life and I just need to over-complicate myself for pleasures of the flesh. Yes. Guess what? I pleasureed my flesh while you were sleeping. Yeah.

How about that? I woke up ready and eager and said, hmm. You knocked. Tried to get me to wake up so that I would come over while you were jacking. Well, yeah. The perfect crime.

Yes. The only reason you want to joining rooms? Nathan. trying to stay hard enough for like 45 minutes to wake you up so when you accidentally come in I can be like What are you doing?

Just scary movie the ceiling And then you're like You take your shirt off Oh I like it Yeah of course You're my best friend you should never be mad at me we found the limits okay well i'll never talk about your body after you talk about my body again just let it slide off your back yeah unlike yours

impossible lots of cratsched your back's like a fucking english muffin micro crag look at these drivers whewee i got to get on the tables a lot of goateees guess he's at the show tonight n hr a huh kenton parker who's that little kenton i don't know who that is you know little kenton he grew up across the street for my grandpa great met his mom coney cony sweet coney i don't know dude cony was the one he was mowing my grandpa's lawn and she looked over

and saw my grandpa in the window just jerking off. I remember that story. She was like, all right, Ova. Yeah, he was losing it. Yeah, he was mental. He was gone. Yeah.

He was doing his own greenhouse experiments, but it wasn't the stroke he was listening to. Nobody was excited. No, he's like, we got a little bacon in, we got a little beans, and we fought the bloody British in the town of New Orleans. As like a 50-year-old woman's mowing his lawn. Yuck.

Ova. Come on. You're not back at the train yard. You're not paying favors to bulls. They live out here. Kenton is the guy who lives in like on an island somewhere and he works on a farm. And he comes to all the shows I do up in New England. You've met him a bunch.

He always has a Sam Talent shirt on. Probably not a bunch. Oh, like maybe 10 times. She was at my mom's funeral. I was blue in for it. No, you're busy getting laid? It was open casket. You were hungry, too.

She was 69. I was 69ing, standing. 30 feet away, like not that far. What are we doing? This will not be in my seminar. Tell you what? Your dad's up there. I'm like half, half paying attention.

I'm catching every other word. Because I'm standing 69. You're not reciprocating either. You're not reciprocating, but you call it 69. I mean, I, I, you're not paying the, you're not paying it forward. I start. You're just using her mouth. I'm starting.

And you're calling it a 69. Like, you're cool. That's what she would have wanted. My dad's like, trust me. No, she didn't. Ugh. Wait, it's not her body. What?

Yes. It was her body? No. Yes. I said it was an open casket and you went. No. That's fine. But yeah, I just...

Fine. I was not 6th,000, 69. your mom at this memorial. It was a hot chick. It's open casket. Yeah, she's looking. Like, she's, her head is pointed,

her face is looking towards me. Oh my God. What? I thought we were locked in. No, you're not 69 standing with some babe in the corner as my dad's eulogizing.

She was hot and cool. Of course she must be pretty cool. If you're like, hey, you want to meet up in standing 69 at my friend's mom's memorial at the Botanic Gardens. That's why Patricio kept getting called.

He just wanted to get closer to the action. Man, that's good stuff. Yeah. Where are we at? Are we done? No. What? This is the home stretch.

Okay. Well, I'm going to do the homo stretch. Oh, yeah. Let me say, go bananas. I'll be there October 16th, 17th, 18th, 19th. Headlining debut. Comedy Works November 30th. Headlining debut.

December 26 and 27th, Sisyvus Brewing. Headlining debut. At these clubs. I've headlined plenty of shows. No, no, no. You can be honest. It's the first time I'm headlining these places instead of carrying your luggage.

Go see Lund at Nanners, y'all. That weekend, I'll be at Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle, which means Lund won't be there. No. That's going to be a fucking bummer. Emily's pissed. She's pissed. I'm pissed. Sue's is pissed.

I got to do my thing. Susu doesn't know who you are. Yeah, I don't think I'm going to meet her. I'll wait until she's like 12. You've met her. Woman, she's more your type. Come on. We didn't hang out, did we?

Yeah. Remember you bounced her on your knee? No. She said, put me down. Put me down, some guy. And you were like, I'm Sam's friend. Dude, have you ever heard of Purple Aki? No.

Never? No. Oh, my God, dude. He was this literal boogie. man this strange character who just lurked in the UK like whales he was all over and he would like lurk in front of gyms and he was like a six foot 10 shredded black guy like jet black guy and he would like come out of the shadow like out of the shadows or like out of the shower stalls when you were like changing or leaving the gym and he'd be like you like you like working out

and you'd be like yeah he's like 15 year old boy you know like young men and then they'd be like can I can I measure your biceps? And they'd be like, what? And he'd be like, yeah, yeah, let me, hold on. Let me measure your biceps. And he would measure their biceps. And he'd be like, oh, yeah, yeah. Do you know how to do a squat position?

And they'd be like, yeah, he'd be like, show me your squat. And then he would be like, okay, firemen carry me and, like, lay across their backs or, like, he would, like, lean over them to, like, assess their calves by putting his, like, balls in their face and lean over them in a squat position. Like, he was just this insane sex pest for, like, four. 40 years from like the 80s through the 2010s he's just out there and today picking up charges he one point he sued because he like made a kid run away from him because he sexually stalked this kid for so long and he never fucked the guys but there's like thousands of accounts of people

seeing purple hockey and being like you got big calves how did you get those calves let me let me feel your calves so but what are the charges then well they got him one point point he chased a kid and the kid ran to a train station and like got hit by a train or like electrocuted by the train and they were like well that's because purple ocky like ran him to his death scared the shit so he served time but then the appeals court in the UK said well it's not really his fault he can be at that train station like you it's false equivalency he can be a little weirdo or yeah so he ended up getting like 40k like pound sterling from the UK and then 20 more years of just sexual malevolence yeah find out about this guy uh i can't remember

reddit no i listen to a podcast profiles and eccentricity about purple hockey huh yeah it's nuts it's like you at the squire in like 2009 measuring bras yeah you're just walking around with like one of those chemistry lab like hand scales and you're like which one weighs more i got 20 on the left that'd be a cool game oh my god that'd be perfect okay well think about that setting that up at a bar at one a m being the fucking hand scale guy yeah you're like all right right step right up step right up ladies and gentlemen we're placing our bets ma'am which one's heavier left or right you've always wondered you've always thought it was the right but maybe the eyes doth lie step right up and plop them gals i'm taking bets right here so you're running book you're

measuring them you're not touching them right no crime has been committed maybe you have to set them for them no crime has been committed you're seeing them you're seeing the plops yeah and they're they want it they want and it's you know everyone's having fun right you're not sneaking the scale under them no while they're distracted no they're willing they're into it they're into it is this well here's here's the thing is this bad or is this is like one of those can anyone be mad at me we're giving away a few good ideas dick of the month We're putting people on a game right now.

Yeah, now this could be a million bucks. Dude, if you went to a frat party and you were like a young frat guy and you were like, all right, ladies, pop them if you got them. You know, like you could for sure pull that off and everyone would have fun and no one would feel exploited or weird. What about this? You'd be so hard. What about this?

Did you ever watch? I'm sure there's still a thing, but I feel like there was a time when a lot of porn videos were the women actresses go to a frat house or a college dorm and bang a few people guys. I stumbled upon one of those last night. Stumbled upon. You're hunting for mushrooms in the woods. Actually, I want, this is what really happened.

I wanted to look up, I wanted to go old school, Christy Canyon, accidentally clicked on Christy Mac, and it was frat. those those those college video so check it out and I'm reminded that in all of those videos there's always at least one guy who like can't get hard enough like he can get blown but you know but then it's time to get the condom on for sex and he's just back and then all of a sudden he's in the background and it's like back to getting blown because there's and it's a room full of people he it's his friends I'm sure some of them are his friends we pay attention to different things in the films that we're so straight that all you think about are a hard i would be and you're

if i was that guy's dick i'd be so hard no i was just like man yeah that's that's tough well they're probably drunk and they're with their friends like you said friends cameras a porn star they've heard of jacked off to well that's the thing did they hear of these porn stars or was this before they really blossomed into the probably starlets they are now probably both okay it depends on the person or the guy or whatever. Oh, I only know Christy Canyon. But, yeah, it was just funny to me. Like, oh, and then, so yeah, like, some guys never,

that's never been an issue for them. Others, it is a thing where sometimes you're in your own head or you're a little, you overthink it too much. And you're like, you're in your own dorm room with half the lacrosse team. You're in your own hand because you got kicked out of the sex party for not being able to get a rep for a 10. Dude, being a sex refugee because the rocking sex party

in your dorm room you couldn't stay hard for? Yeah, you just have to walk around for a couple hours because you're not allowed in there and that's where your bed is. You need to do the only brave thing. If you're 19 and that happens,

there's no getting out of that. You have to move out of the dorm and transfer. That would be tough. You'd be like, hey, I'm going to state. I'd have a better ag program. I'm also changing my name to Leggy Jeff. You're like, all right, you're going through.

Why don't you come home? You're like, don't say come never say come to me again we don't use that word anymore so there's this guy and he's starting up this like dick of the month club thing and i think i'm gonna help him get it off the ground i think he needs a number two yeah yeah i'm gonna focus on that right and then i heard there's this guy doing this like weird like art thing in michigan i'll go to night school yeah but i got to really focus on this startup i'm going to night school and your parents are so proud of you they're like finally selling some initiative and then you call them like three weeks later and you're like hey

all right so i finished night school and they're like what how did you finish a degree in three weeks and you're like no no no i'm working at medieval times went to night school and now i'm the king of prussia on on tuesdays and wednesdays i get some saturday matinees but yeah why don't you guys fly out you said you were so proud of me when i said i was going to night school and then your parents are like fuck i guess we're going to stanford connecticut Let me shout out Kimberly McGill for shouting us out on Reddit For a great show last night

We did a good job We were very funny I called your friend a queer That was hilarious Also shout out to one of the comments Who very incorrectly guessed Did Lund wear the Galaxy shirt And do all the same jokes that he does

No What did you see me two years ago, Dickhead So Yeah Thanks for listening. Also, shout out to Caitlin Clark, who is not able to play for the rest of the year. Yeah. Due to a groin injury.

Is that right? Yeah. Whoever's throwing those dildos. Your aim must be pretty good. There's no Caitlin Clark, no Sophie Cunningham either. She got hurt. Who's that? She's very attractive.

Very attractive player also on the fever that a lot of people said was going to help the league quite a bit. If anyone can make deep fakes out there, if you could do one of those college dorm room sex movies from like 2007 but somehow put in lund in the background that would be absolutely mega for me well and i for my ends for my purposes just he's in the back he's not even getting blown he's just standing back there eating a footlong sub eating a lot and as he's as he eats more and more of the sub as he eats more and more of the sub his penis gets more and more erect and then when gets the last bite he's rock hard to deep fake so go crazy i wasn't invited i just hear music and people yeah and i'm like oh hell yeah you heard sugar ray down the hall yep and so i go i go in i act

like i've been there the whole time yeah but yeah every shot you can see that i'm drinking or eating shirtless pants on eating drinking playing Playing guitar hero?