Chubby Behemoth - Ping Pong Jeff

Episode Date: August 7, 2022

Built For Kangaroo. My Nose Isn't Fat. Chili For Breakfast. Danny Maupin and The Possum.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

This is a trap to get me to say something mean about people with a progeria, isn't it? Not at all. I haven't heard it at all. They have powerful ears. Weird. They have those big weasel ears. He had huge ears. Small chin.

Tiny nose. Tiny nose. Big car. Fievel. Yeah. And he was going west and east trying to scare people out of the graveyard. Laughing at tombstones. trying to scare people out of the graveyard laughing at tombstones if i was if i worked in a graveyard and it was my job to be like a graveyard closes soon i think

i'd be really tempted to have like a black cloak and just show up and be like graveyard closes soon oh yeah to be spooky this man was spooky by default because he looked like a crime against god's plan i keep on that man would have been i've jumped in the river you know what i mean it's like no i'm not scared of the cemetery i just don't want to see you ever again and that means life stops oh yeah and he looked like he slept upside down he was a real possum-esque character honestly yeah. Yeah, that's true. I can't see a progeriac without thinking, just like at night, his eyes glowing. He's a nocturnal. He must fear birds, too, because he's so little.

He's sitting on a phone book, driving around, rustling people out of the cemetery. All I know is that he dressed for the job he wanted. You know what I mean? He definitely... Can you imagine living your life knowing that any moment a bird could skip you off and take you away? Living on borrowed time. Yeah. Well, Sam, you've never had to worry about that.

No, but I mean, when I was in Australia, there was those ostriches. Oh, okay. There was those emus down there. And there's also that, uh, the most deadly bird in the world. Uh, the cassowary. The cassowary the cassowary yeah they're just like they have uh talons and they're built for killing kangaroos oh yeah they're like a nightmare like if you if it was like you know 200 bc there'd be like a religion based around beating them i mean they could pick they could pick me up if they're picking up a kangaroo. Oh, one of those. If you're over there, you're just scratching them.

I think they puncture, and then they get their beak in, and they tear. Ooh, God. Yep. Only a matter of time until they find their way here. Oh, yeah. That's why we've got to close these borders. It's coming. Yeah.

Oh, my God. Yeah, because they can't fly, so if we have a wall, we're okay. That's true. Yeah. Just like the cemetery. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So thank you for joining us On another episode Of the Chubby Behemoth

Brand Podcast I'm joined today By my guest Danny Maupin Hello And a man named Chris Hello Yes

Who we discussed How much of his name He wanted to use We decided upon Chris That's perfect Just Chris Uh huh We're recording here live From his beautiful living room much of his name he wanted to use we decided upon chris it's perfect just chris uh-huh we're recording here live from his beautiful living room herbal excuse me kitchen clever way of calling me fat that's what you call it the sex palace well i did come in here and you were shoveling leftovers

while i was in the shower i can't let sam see there's food yeah you were secret eating to keep it away from me and danny you'd sink your towel and sit oh yeah it's an old adage when you don't have enough steak to share you wolf it in private yeah exactly you don't chew either and then when we're sitting in here you scrape the leftovers into the trash instead of being like anyone want this yeah you like, you're like, through your head, you're like, I've got two options. Scrape it or eat it on the toilet. You know? Anyone with scrape, it's more commendable.

I didn't think you bozos would notice. Oh, yeah, we didn't notice you eating steak over there? Over the trash can just in case we got frisky? Just in case we made a move. A couple of guys just hanging out in the cemetery asking for a ride. Yeah. From you, and we noticed you saying, he's got everything. He's got a car, he's got steak. That was a fun text to send.

Hey, can you pick us up at Colonel Sanders' grave? We're trapped in the rain. We didn't even make it to his grave. No, we didn't. Yeah, we just hung out at Muhammad Ali's grave, and then we were going to walk over there, and we got distracted. Yeah, we were just trapped.

Yeah. And the thing about, and it's a labyrinth in there. You can get lost, for sure. Oh, it's huge, too. Chris, come a bit closer to the mic, if you would. Yeah, it's a labyrinth, and we had bit closer to the mic, if you would. Yeah, it's elaborate. We had a long, arduous journey getting there.

Yes, we definitely walked. It started off as like a 30-minute walk, right? 38 minutes initially. Ended up being about an hour. The thing about living in Louisville is that when you get a text that says, Meet me at Colonel Sanders' grave, you know what it means and you just kind of head out. Yeah. You don't ask any questions.

They need help. The fact that I'm used to that really tickles me. Yes. That is great. It wasn't novel at all to you. You were like, oh, okay. Well, shit. Got to make sure the boys are all right.

Yeah, better get down to the graveyard I'll be there in eight minutes I know exactly how far away it is it's in Google's maps Google's maps it is in there

yeah you can put Colonel Sanders grave and it's like you know seven minute drive and it has business hours

and it says Colonel Sanders grave closes at 445 and it's horrifying to think that it was open all day. Well, it used to be open 24-7. There used to be a drive-thru. Then too many kids threw Dr. Peppers at the gravestone.

Yeah, you can grab a bucket at the grave. Yeah, you really activated. I appreciate you. Your wife's probably like, look, we've got the house by ourselves. I've got to go to work. Maybe we can get a little frisky. And you're like, the boys need've got the house by ourselves. I've got to go to work. Maybe we can get a little frisky.

And you're like, the boys need me. You shove her off your lap. I've got to get to the graveyard before 4.45. We stole sexy time from your wife. Yeah. I see the bad signal. I take it seriously. Yeah. That's true.

Yeah. I mean, sorry we also got into your car. You had an open container. I was soaked. Your back seat's probably rinked now. Yeah, I mean, we were just soaked from rain and sweat. Yeah. So fucking humid.

And a couple of idiots. Hey, Chris, thanks. Hey, you have a black Lexus. That's pretty cool. So let's put that down to a PT Cruiser real quick. We dropped the property value. Oh, yeah. There's no resale.

As soon as we sat in there. Wouldn't it be great if your car morphed into whatever your cargo was? Yeah. The shitty of the people that are in the car just goes,

oh. It straights down. If he comes in a Dick Tracy car. Oh yeah, it would have been a panel van when I got in there. It would have been

like a horse trailer. And I'm just in the back making eye contact with people on the highway letting them know I'm sad too. I've never seen a happy horse in there. Yeah, baleful. Because I'm full of hay bales.

That's why they say that. A little entomology with a little tea dog. I don't know. We were not laughing. We were not laughing at anyone's grave. No, we did not. We did not do that at all. We were not laughing at anyone's grave. No, we did not. We did not do that at all. We didn't laugh so loud that a little man with

progeria pulled up in a security car. That didn't happen. If this was a Patreon, I would reveal what we were laughing at. Danny definitely didn't see a grave and collapse with laughter. You didn't. It didn't happen.

It didn't happen. Yeah. Shutting up just incriminated me. When I pulled up to the cemetery, I didn't. The man at the gate didn't say when I said I was here to pick up my friends. Which is the best thing to say in a cemetery. Yeah, he thought you were batshit.

I'm here to pick up my friends. Okay, sir. Very good. We just sit at the same intersection every day in the car. They'll get in. They'll get in. My friends are dead. They're dead. They're dead, Tim. Get out of here. The grave's closed.

We were down at the little lake there, the reflection pond where people scatter ashes just drinking beers and smoking cigs. And that old man came close and then he saw us and he turned around right away. Yeah, yeah. The guy at the gate didn't say,

oh, I got a call about them when I mentioned my friends. He didn't say that. Oh, yeah. No, yeah, that's also just false. It was never said. There wasn't a walkie-talkie involved in our cemetery hijinks. Uh-huh. You know?

Can you imagine that your job is bouncing people from the graveyard or something? Like, how do they have a drone or something? There's so many nooks and crannies in that place. How do they cover all that area? Yeah, we got two men in here. It's huge. Wow. It's huge.

One of the biggest cemeteries I've probably ever. It's beautiful. It's giant and huge and beautiful. We got two men in here. It's huge. One of the biggest cemeteries I've probably ever. It's beautiful. It's giant and huge and beautiful. We got two men in here. They are different shaped. They are easy to spot. Oh, yeah.

One's giggling like a sorghum wrench. The other one is pink and he is soaked. Got a couple of good time Charlies in here. Yeah. Either one of them could be on a leash and it would make sense.

So come and get them, Prageriac. Hey, Augie, go find the boys. Augie! He drove up in a white minivan that had kind of like what, you know, siren lights sort of thing, situation on top. It looked like take your just like malformed son

to work day and like I am holding back almost vomiting from laughter in front of the grave not because there was a funny grave

not because of that it just it was we were just having fun yeah and had nothing to do with a very silly grave

you weren't being racist I was not being racist. You weren't laughing at a widow's name. It didn't start that way. Yes, it did. You saw it, you pointed at it, and you started laughing really hard. It had nothing to do with that at first. Just the last name got you good enough.

Yes! Yeah. So anyway. Okay. Okay. But anyway. How did that happen? yes yeah so anyway okay okay but anyway i'm just dying laughing in front of this grave and then this white van pulls up with little whites and sam and i just look at each other go oh shit we were facetiming david board right that's true Not because the grave was so funny. We just wanted to talk to him.

Yeah, so he pulls up, and he's like, y'all looking at the graves? And we're like, David, it's the fuzz. We got to go. And he laughed at that. Yeah, the guy laughed at that, which is funny. But that's my job. I'm a grave cop. I work at the grave.

I go around asking people, are you looking at graves? I wanted to be a real cop, but they said, you looking at graves? Yep. I wanted to be a real cop, but they said, you have to be as tall as the graves to be a real cop. And I'm not. You must be this tall. Yeah.

You must be this tall to harass the visitors. Uh-huh. Yeah. I mean, it looked like he slept in a harness attached to a bigger freak.

You know what I mean? He did. Come on. What? Nothing. He's never going to hear hear this they don't have this pod in the channel where he sleeps don't just say whatever you want because nobody hears it well you know anyway this is what the people like uh we've had a lot of fun you set me up

yesterday for one of the most fun things that i've done on stage in a while and i had to have you on because it was your you were you were seed, and I just put a little bit of water on it. Sure. But. Yeah, a little sunshine, too. Yeah. Yeah.

We were, well, I don't remember how we got the name. I know how we got there. Okay. I can tell the story. Danny Maupin. So we were having, you know, as three comedians, just a very kind of earnest conversation. Yep. About how, also, we're in Louisville, Kentucky right now,

and Louisville, Kentucky is now starting to get a surplus of comedy clubs. There's four now almost. Right, which is, you know, this is a two-horse town. Yeah. I'm kidding. It's like the biggest city in Kentucky. One of them is married to that graveyard security guard. But, you know. to that graveyard security guard. Egbert, do you take sniffles?

It's just a lot. And we were talking about the difference in comedy with bookers. Some bookers are now totally just leaning towards digital and TikTok and social media stuff. Right, yeah, YouTube stars. And we were talking about how we know other comedians that are just like, you know, they've been doing this for a long time, crafting a really good hour that's entertaining for, you know, a crowd.

And then all of a sudden at the next club, you got Ping Pong Jeff. Yes. You know? Yeah, my thought was, I get why a club would book something that is guaranteed money, that has a draw, that brings people out of that. I'm not, you know, I get that. Right, and it's for their crowd, so it's going to go well and everything. But what stings about it is that there are so many other good comedians you could have booked that you've got to say no to one of them. And the wording is going to be, oh, I'd love to have you the weekend, but I'm already booked up.

I've got Pink Pong Jeff here. Yeah. And then Nick DiPaolo is on the other end of the phone. How have I been doing this 40 years, kid? Yeah. And then just Ping Pong Jeff just made us laugh so hard. Just that name. Yeah, that got me good.

And then last night on stage, I was closing the show, and I said, hey, I don't want to bring down the mood. I know we've been having fun, but the comedy community, actually the world at large, lost a good one recently. Some comedians are just clowns. They don't have much to say, but we lost a real truth teller, and the world got a little less funny. So ladies and gentlemen, please raise a glass and let's remember Ping Pong Jeff.

As I was leading up to it, Chris was at the bar, right down the barrel of the gun at 12 o'clock. We just saw it happen because it was an inside joke from like 40 minutes ago. We saw it and went, no, this is happening? I was dying laughing during the whole setup. Yes, you were.

And I was like, why are you laughing? That was what got me. I was like, why are you laughing? The man died. It's because no one just laughed at the name. When you said Pigwong Jeff, nobody was like, that's a funny name. I'm shocked. I was like, how did I get this?

They took it seriously. It was taken so earnestly. And that made me laugh harder. Oh, man. Silence. It was taken so seriously that a man sitting right next to me scolded me. Right. No, during the set.

So you were like, hey, why are you laughing? I'm from stage. As I'm like trying, I'm biting my tongue off. I'm laughing inside so hard. You laughing at the set up. And Sam goes, this man is losing his mind. He's like turning around and he's like, shh, shut up, man.

That's his friend. You know what I mean? Yeah, he scolded me. He turned his head around and said, hey, what's wrong with you? Right. He said, what's wrong with you? And then we couldn't, because then Sam keeps saying ping pong Jeff. Yes. Like a thousand more times.

And every time it's just we're dying laughing. And then Sam closes the set and he goes, R.I.P. ping pong. Throws up a peace sign. Walks away. The guy that was giving Chris shit. Yes. Turns around and he's got tears streaming from his eyes. And I don't know if it's because he was

laughing like we were laughing or if he was like so in the moment with you he was like that guy lost a buddy you know what I mean and he turns and looks at me and Chris and just goes who's fucking ping pong

who the fuck is ping pong and he's crying. And we couldn't do anything else but laugh in his face. Dude. This guy's mourning a fake person. I mean, if I didn't know,

and I was there at that show, and I wasn't in on that joke or whatever, I think I would have chuckled at just the word ping the word i would have figured it might have been a joke yeah i think so no one did no i know dude that was the only reason that sam did it it's because we laughed so hard at just the name yeah ping pong jeff and i was like a tiktok handle and i gotta scold you guys about laughing at ping pong je Jeff earnestly on stage. Yeah. No, I figured people would have laughed because it wasn't like...

I don't like set the bar for, you know, a serious tone for comedy. It's pretty silly and irreverent. Yeah. So why would I take a minute to fucking pour one out for a man named Ping Pong Jeff? And if you did, wouldn't you be like, I know he's got a funny name. Right. But you just kept on saying Ping Pong Jeff, Ping Pong Jeff. And if you did, wouldn't you be like, I know he's got a funny name. Right. But you just kept on saying Ping Pong Jeff, Ping Pong Jeff.

And they didn't laugh, and I was like, these people are either stupid, or they're the nicest people in the world. Right. And people raise their glasses. Officially, we're holding up glasses. Yes. For a guy that doesn't exist.

Oh, man. It would be so easy to start a cult, wouldn't it? Oh, dude. I think about it all the time. That's like my escape hatch. For sure. That's my way out. That's your retirement plan? Yeah. Just get a bunch of like-minded fellas. You know? And you were like digging deep. You were like, you know,

bad for his wife. Yeah. Badminton Barbara. Still no laugh I was like every bit of merch yeah I'm selling merch tonight every dollar goes

to making sure his wife's taken care of badminton Barbara and people were like looking around like we should buy a book it's the right thing to do that's insane

I know dude and I couldn't control myself because of you two in the back just fucking giggling even Dan even Dan of you two in the back. Just fucking giggling. Even Dan Alton was in the back like, this is very nice. I was cackling.

I know. I had to get up from my seat and go in the hallway and laugh. Because it was getting to the point where I was getting scolded. Yeah. Shut up. Sam was continuing to say very straight faced, what's wrong with you, man? Someone died. So I had to scolded. Yeah. Sam was continuing to say very straight-faced, What's wrong with you, man? Someone died.

So I had to leave the room. Right. I had the best seat in the house because I was seeing Sam do the silly thing, you cackling, me cackling, and this guy getting upset at you. I just saw it all. Well, you didn't tell me until after the show

about him turning around with tears and saying, Who the fuck is Ping Pong? He's wept over a man he doesn't know. Yeah. That isn't real. I mean, isn't that nice, though? It is very sweet. It is nice.

I will give you that. It's nice to know how easy people are manipulated. Yeah. That is a nice feeling. How do you not hear that name? I don't know. I don't get it. I really don't.

That is like a sort of a statement to how respected comedians are. Right. That must have been a real serious guy on the scene. You know, Pinkpong Jeff. Yeah. They were ready to Google him. I wonder how many hits Pinkpong Jeff got on Google. Well, dude, I looked it up last night.

Oh, yeah, did you? Yes. And one of the top YouTube Ping Pong personalities' name is Jeff. Get out of here. Swear to God. He has like 1.2 million views on his top video, and his name is like Jeff something. But it says Ping Pong and then dash like Jeff Zamuli versus. So if you look up Ping Pong Jeff, there's a guy named Jeff

who's very good at ping pong. Wow. I know. People are going to start thinking he died. People are going to be tweeting at him. Oh, no. Wow. It was an inside joke that just got done for a group of people.

A bigger group of people than anyone that cared. Yeah. And he cascaded into kind of chaos. That was a lot of fun. That was a blast, man. That's a great club.

I had a lot of fun in there. Yeah. Yeah, that was a great show. Oh, man. And then we, you know, we just had, we've had a good time so far.

We were in a, we did a bakery in Charleston, West Virginia. Yep. That was great. We're hot shit. Yeah. No one, no one had, We did a big shop in Charleston, West Virginia. That was great. We're hot shit. We did a cupcake shop in Charleston, West Virginia.

Oh, yeah. Both tiers were packed. That's right. There was a balcony at this cupcake shop. Yep. Which is wild. What is the balcony used for when they're not doing shows? People just go up there to smell the different cupcakes.

That makes sense. Yeah. It's like, I want to die, but my nose isn't fat. Yeah. It's also just an easy way

to get away from the sound of the exhaust fans that are constantly happening during the show. The biggest fan in the world. I gotta take a break.

Look, I gotta take 15, go upstairs. Yeah. I'm sorry, baby. I'm just getting kind of worked up. My buddy Ping Pong

passed away. I can't enjoy this cupcake anymore yeah just kidding it was weird in Charleston there was a

I want to say 30% of the crowd was was genderless or had transitioned into a different gender which was

you know you have your presuppositions about a place you go to the capital west virginia you don't think you're going to walk into this like hive of progress but there was a there was a female presenting person at the front table and i was trying to do a bit about playing chicken and usually i find a small woman and i was like you were you're a small woman and she was like well i'm non-binary. And then I said something, you know. Oh.

It was just, obviously there was rapport. There was good faith built up. And later on I talked about me being gross. And I was like, look, don't look at me. All right? You don't want to puke on your genderless tits. So terrible. Yeah. How did that go?

Great. Good. I mean, everyone was having a good time I wasn't like You're gross How dare you I sincerely apologize I was like

I'm really sorry That I assumed your gender Yeah And you know Just no matter What your gender is I was going to say If I didn't have a wife

I would gladly buy you A scone right now You know So I like Really you know Yeah you made a word Oh yeah That's the work up

To just Slander in something I didn't slander anyone Like a dick nose I didn't slander anyone I didn't slander you didn't slander I didn't I said genderless tits

yeah I mean yeah he did make him genderless yeah they did everybody's got tits too

and also I was talking about how gross I am blah blah blah it would have been my choice but it did work it worked

yeah you know yeah and then that person came up to me after the show and kind of, like, rocked me because they were like, so are you famous? I was like, no, I'm in the cupcake shop in Charleston.

What are you talking about? Am I famous? That's a rude question, isn't it? And they were like, should I know who you are? And I was like, no. Are you going to buy a book? And they were like, my name's like Valkyrie or something insane,

you know? Valkyrie. Well, when you don't have a, you get to choose a cool name. Yeah, you start over and you don't pick Jeff.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. You get a fresh start. You know, my dad was actually a comedian. You may not have heard of him. His name was Ping Pong Jeff.

You just lost him he's gone he's gone I think their name was Key and it was fun, I had a fun time at that show we had a madcap travel day my flight was delayed for an hour and a half so I got to the airport at like 5

and the show started at like 7.30 it was three and a half hours away I just waited at the Pittsburgh airport for two hours in front of the 7-Eleven in the Pittsburgh airport. You gave me the warmest iced coffee I've ever felt. You said, I got a text from you and it was like, hey man, it's going to be a real smash and grab. We're going to have to get out of there quick.

You know what I mean? Running late as it is. And can you grab me an iced coffee? I landed from the plane thinking I was going to see to get out of there quick. You know what I mean? Running late as it is. And can you grab me a nice coffee? I landed from the plane thinking I was going to see you in 20 minutes. Grabbed us both a nice coffee and then just sat at the Pittsburgh airport for two hours. And I was like, I'm not going to buy him another one. Yeah. Yeah.

You didn't get me a water, which was cool. That was nice. No, I had to drive in pouring rain for two hours and 45 minutes. Yeah, we drove driven. What is it? So much rain. We drove.

I drove. Yeah. You sat there and did funny voices. Yeah. I'm sorry. That's how I keep people awake. We have healthcare heroes

going off to a late shift. We're not going to say your name at all Because you've got a big bold career No reason to incriminate you Yeah So yeah that show was Better than it should have been

So much better than expected Oh yeah You talking about last night or the cupcake test? No no I've had nothing but high expectations for Louisville Because I talked to Jordan Jensen recently And she was like that club rules Last night or the cupcake toast? No, no. I've had nothing but high expectations for Louisville. Because I talked to Jordan Jensen recently, and she was like, that club rules. Oh, I love Jordan. Oh, I love Jordan as well.

We did Montreal together, and she was so scared. She was so nervous. And I just remember being at the after party after the showcase, and I was like, just stay close to me, Jordan. And we were walking around, and I was like, Sam Talent, Jordan Jensen, who wants to give us a million dollars? And then, like, you know, I was like breaking the ice. The morning we're leaving, we're at the airport, and I was like, so Talent, Jordan Jensen, who wants to give us a million dollars? And then, like, you know, I was, like, breaking the ice. The morning we're leaving, we're at the airport. And I was like, so how'd it go for you?

And she was like, it went really good. Thank you for your help. And I was like, yeah, that's great. What happened? And she's like, WME signed me. No one gave me a fucking business card, Jordan. I came up here with the exact same amount of hype that I had when I left. It's like, fuck.

Well, when you break the ice, you're the chisel. Nobody puts the chisel over it and mixes it with some bourbon. Yeah, exactly. It's the ice that gets the drink. Yeah, I know. And Danny begs some bourbon off you right before we started. I'm going to have a little sip of that. Yeah, the show's in two and a half hours.

Might as well get started. It's a long little set. When you're going to dance to Kokomo Silver, are you out of your mind? Yeah. You think I'm stupid? I mean. Well, I'm redacted. Redacted.

Now that I say it out loud. And now that I hear it. I'm glad you got Kokomo in last night. Yeah, that was fun. I saw him light you at 12 minutes and you weren't even in the setup for Kokomo. And I was like, oh, good. He's really making a meal out of this. Well, I mean, the second show, we have to be honest.

It was cold, cold, cold, cold. They did not care for the first two performers last night. You were there. Is that a fair statement? I was outside, actually. Okay. So, yeah. That's very diplomatic.

It makes sense. But it was, you know, it was tight. You know? You could hear everything. Right. You know? And not in the best way. It wasn't Jake or Dan Alton's fault.

No. It was nobody's fault. Kind of Dan Alton's fault. Well, he did his act, so, you know. But right before I was about to go on, I look at you, Sam, and I go, I don't know, man. I mean, like, what do you want me to do? Like, I want to set you up. I want to set the table.

You know what I mean? And you just go, you can do whatever the fuck you want. Yeah. And then I was like, well, all right then. So then, yeah, I went real long i did some stupid stuff yeah they loved you you brought it together but they were it worked right and then you had a long argument with a woman over uh creative property rights after the show that i didn't start no no no at all oh boy yeah i was filmed by a person and that of course i don't

mind that at all i don't even mind if they post stuff or whatever but the thing is if you're gonna like tag they should ask but i had nothing to do with that and one of our friends like approached her and was like you shouldn't be filming people at comedy shows and i was like well i mean what i get it that's a stance you know what i mean but you can do whatever mean But you can do whatever Thank you I'm going to try to go hang out with my friends And now 45 minutes later I'm like mediating an argument

What was the direct quote from your friend When your friend Reprimanded this woman I mean this is direct I don't know it. Didn't they use the word bitch? They did use the word bitch. Yes.

And, like, something along the lines of, like, you shouldn't be filming people during their time, you bitch. Oh, my God. I know. And then a storm away. And then, for some reason,

I had to be there to clean it all up. Yeah, the real thing. And I was like, no, I want to have a beer with my friends. Right. You know what I mean? Uh-huh. And I had to patch everything up, and still nobody ended up happy. Yeah.

And I still got tagged in a video I didn't get permission for. Uh-huh. So, what are you going to do? Was it the Kokomo bit? Yeah, it was the Kokomo bit. I mean, that happens all the time. That was the thing I was trying to say to mediate. I was like, this person is talking about the creative process, and maybe you don't want to...

Like, don't try to show people half the painting and, you know, this is the whole painting. Let them put it out there, right? Yeah. That painting, for me, is done, so I'm cool with it. Tag me, do whatever you want. Yeah, he gets all fucking high-minded and pretentious about the Kokomo bit. I know. He called this a painting?

Yeah, he did. I was trying to relate to a person that's not a comedian. This woman just got called a bitch by a person who's 5'2". And then Danny's like, imagine you're a painter. Let me take, let me, follow me, if you will, to the Louvre. I was doing everything I could. Palm everything down. And also, this woman's wearing mesh pants.

So I thought Danny was just saying hi to a pretty lady. No, I was approached by this person to be the person to, why is it not cool to video somebody? Why aren't you making a stance on this? I was like, I don't have a stance on it. But I'm trying to relay the message. Because they have a stance. I'm trying to meet you guys in the middle.

Here comes a painting metaphor. You know, like, I don't know. You spazzed. I spazzed. Yeah, that's all. I spazzed and everybody left upset. Well, I was watching it. I was outside and I saw this conversation go on for like 40 minutes.

And I was like, this can't be a good situation. Because I know Danny. I hate it every second. He's an upright guy. He's not going to make any fucking stinky moves on his girlfriend who he loves. No. So like this can't be something he wants to be a part of. No, I hate it.

And of course I didn't intervene because it gave me more joy to know that you were trapped in something unpleasant. That's great. It's like when I see you on a long flume ride. Exactly. Just let it happen. Somebody's tipping over the edge. Right. Yeah.

It's like when you see a bunch of pigeons flock my ice cream cone. You're like, I could sound the air horn or I could watch them fight off birds. Because I do carry an air horn. I get mixed up with pigeons. Are you lying to me? I had a big pigeon mix-up once in San Francisco. Ha ha ha! What?

I did! Is this the first time you do a book? That's my favorite Bad Brains album. It's the big pigeon mix-up. I did. I was there on the road

with Max Sabbath and I decided to take a little afternoon jaunt around and I was going to go down to the pier and see the seals. Yeah.

You know, and just have a little touristy time. You know? That's the San Francisco equivalent of going to the graveyard in louisville and having some giggles it's just touristy stuff yeah it's in the pamphlet and i was alone and i was like i'll just do this so you know knock it out and

then because i wake up earlier than everybody always and i was like this will be my my time you know and then i'll figure out what they want to do anyway we're out there and i'm on my way back it starts raining and i was like fuck you know i put my uh i had a hooded jacket put it on i stop at a crosswalk of waiting for traffic and then as soon as it turns green get closer to the mic this guy just up, stops right in front of me, throws an entire loaf of bread out of his window at my feet.

And then I look up to my left and it is just a sea of pigeons. Just coming at me. And I had no way to avoid it. And I was just, what? And they're like chomping at the bread on my feet, flying all around me. And I had no way to avoid it. And I was just boy, and they're like

chomping at the bread on my feet, flying all around me, more coming from all directions. And you can't run away. Why? Because that's when you get attacked or whatever. No, you don't. You just gotta be a statue. They want the bread. Yeah, you gotta attack your head. I'm kicking the bread?

Come on. No, you flee. Wait, what, does he stand in my ground? I didn't flee. No, you flee. Wait, what? Does he stand my ground? I didn't flee. You have a pistol? What happens if I did not flee? These colors don't run. I'm from the Commonwealth of Kentucky. I waited until enough pigeons had realized most of the pigeons had already gotten the rest of the bread.

And scurried, and then I walked away. Brother. But I got no shit on me. You're the dumb one in that situation. If you're so stupid. I'm not I got no shit on me. You're the dumb one in that situation. I got anchored. If you're so stupid. I'm not the one that threw the bread. You see a man whip a loaf at your feet, and then you see the birds, and you're like, oh,

I'll just see how this plays out. I did have a few seconds to react. Yeah. I was stunned. I get it. In that situation, the bread is the grenade. Yeah. You've got to throw your body on it.

You've got to drop. Save the platoon. Yeah, it happened. That's a great prank. That's my pigeon mix-up. Do you think it was a prank, or do you think he just kind of mildly threw it and you were there? He threw it right at me.

Was there eye contact? Here's the thing. I don't remember eye contact. Did he say fire in the wall? He made sure he stopped in front of me and threw it. Did he say something like, look at this room? There were no words. Did he say locals only?

Surf's up, Mahalo. There were no words. Get it. In my memory, there were no words. Birds now. Birds. They just fucking attacked. That just went at me.

I mean, that's going in the old CMT repertoire now. Next time I'm in San Francisco, I'm at Cheaper Than Therapy, November 16th, 17th, 18th. If you come to those shows, head on a swivel for loaves of bread. Because the birds are coming with me. God damn, dude.

That's a real cartoon character situation you found yourself in. That's Danny Moffat. Well, that's me. Yeah. I don't... For some reason I exist in this world But it should be anime You should be two dimensional Yeah you're the rascal king dude God damn it

That's great Where's that story been In my back pocket I got a bunch of them Golly Are you having a good time back in your hometown yes i love it here yeah hot muggy real mug rainy sultry but great you guys had breakfast without me that's cool i'm not upset yeah what was breakfast i think we did it pretty diplomatically you did you texted me at 11 i woke up at 1230 and said, yeah, sounds good. I just woke up.

Because we woke up. We were already tired. We were hungry. And I was like, we don't want to wake him up. That's where he wants to sleep in. Also, I would have clocked you. I don't want to be clocked. I don't want to be ever violent, but Danny knows.

First 30 seconds I wake up, it's like I'm coming out of a flashback from Da Nang. No, yeah, he seemed genuinely afraid of waking you up. Yeah, yeah. I wasn't afraid because I didn't know. afraid you do it with the broom handle yeah he just throws a loaf of bread there and opens a window yeah let the birds do it thanks for the work boys i wonder why he's grumpy in the morning that's how he gets woke up yeah yeah i've said some wild shit to my wife upon waking up and she knows she's like my brain's like recalibrating i told the sweet sweet man that let us stay at his place in uh in uh hunting oh yeah that stranger's house we showed up to at 1 a.m and i was in an effort to buy a

little bit more time because i knew you needed some more sleep he said hey you gotta get out of here at 9 30 and i was like i'll find a way to buy some more time. And this is how I bought it. I was like, you're not going to be the one that wants to wake up Sam. Let me do that. Yeah. He knows me. He doesn't know you, and I can handle it.

Okay? I'm telling you right now. This is how epidemic this problem is. He's warning a 23-year- old who let us crash without knowing who we were he really set you up like a wild animal oh yeah no that's true that's apt yeah it's like i can handle it you're a stranger god knows what he's gonna do to you just let me just let me do this you'll see my face something will click you know what I mean it'll be a pheromone thing his fist will stop right before my face

but I can handle it I know this is your home but you're a stranger you understand you're a boy this is a man's job you hold this

you hold this fire extinguisher in case things go wild it totally worked. He was like, yeah, there's going to be a key under the mat. Just put the key under the mat. No big deal. Before, it was like, we're going to have to leave when he leaves for work. And it turned into, yep, yep, yep.

No, just bottom lock is good. You could just stretch that out forever. It's like, he's been in there for about a week. Best to let him hole up. A lot of people think he's hibernating. He actually lays dormant. All right? If you hibernate, you get up and you expel your bowels.

But no, he's done for three months. It didn't hurt that you were asleep fully on your back with a whole couch cushion over your face. Yeah. Yeah. I was also faking being asleep at that point. Oh, really? Yeah. You overheard me saying that?

He was being passive aggressive and he kept walking through the room to like clatter pans, you know. Oh. Yeah. And I was like, well, look, I'm riding this out. Danny will deal with it or he'll kick my mattress and I'll have to wake up. Well, because there was a point in my head where I was like, let's just see if he does it. You know what I mean? I kind of wanted to see. You see if he does it. You know what I mean? I kind of wanted to see.

You see if he did it to me? Yeah, if he would wake you up. Yeah, and I was like, just let him do it. You know what I mean? That's fine. I'll get some content for Faces of Death 12. After all the pacing and everything, I was like, all right, hey, I've got to say something.

And then so I just totally turned you into a monster. Yeah, and that's good. We've got two more hours of sleep. I need to text that young man and say thank you. We should probably text him and let him know the door was locked two days ago and that we left. Yeah. He was also like, I think we're in the cupboard.

He was like, yeah, man, it's my girlfriend's apartment. That was what it broke down to. That's what he said. I was like, oh, well, this makes sense. I get why he was trying to tell. But before, he was just like, yeah, you guys have got to be out when I am. I was like, no explanation. You don't want to be this guy and have to be like, hey, baby, he won't leave.

Yeah. You know, he just won't. I didn't try very hard, but he won't leave. Yeah. I mean, I knew Danny knew how to deal with it. I might be the asshole in this situation, but I was either like, he's going to wake me up, or Danny's going to get him to leave the key. I got an extra hour of sleep.

Worked out pretty good, I say. It worked out great for me. As I'm faking pretending to be asleep, I think I was sleeping like this. I had my hands up, don't shoot posture, just on my back. Which is not how human beings rest. No, that's how Dracula's rest.

Exactly, yeah. That's how I'm on solos in tune. Turning like this. Dracula's rest. Exactly, yeah. He's got a lot of solos in tune. It's ridiculous. He's like, not good. What did you say your last words were going to be when we were standing underneath that awning from the rain? Oh, jeez. What was it going to be?

Oh, fuck. Oh, no. I have no clue. That was good. A lot of our day was spent hiding from the rain. Was it? Yeah.

Do you remember the Smothers Brothers? That was another good one. Yeah. That was so fun. Yeah, you had a lot of fucking slam dunks yesterday. Yeah.

The man known as Chris. It was a great day for me. Just Chris. Yeah, just Chris. Not as great as today because we ate scuttle and chili for me. Just Chris. Yeah, just Chris. Not as great as today because we ate scone and chili for breakfast. Some of us did. Well, you swept in.

I was happy as a clam and shit. Yeah, that's fine. The rascal and the possum had a good time. We'll have to redact that. Oh, it's alright. Oh no, don't say the possum. I'm both of them. That's what I'm saying. Possum's not good. No, they're just both of my ass cheeks. Rascal say the possum. I'm both of them. That's what I'm saying. Possum's not good.

They're just both of my ass cheeks. Rascal and the possum. Yeah, the possum doesn't have a job and a family to worry about. Oh, that's true. Famously has neither of those. Neither does the rascal. No. Oh man, I shamelessly ordered two things, ate them, and then said, I'll have a Chilito after that.

You went back? You got like a burrito dessert. Yeah. And it wasn't like, you know, sweet. No wonder you went back to bed for four hours. Yeah. Oh my God. I did it.

I thought you had like a secret pill problem. I didn't know there was a secret third burrito. Oh yeah. Okay. That's my pill. Yeah. Because, yeah, we started out with the same order. It was a five-way chili. Yep. And, you know, a cheese cone my pill. Yeah. Because, yeah, we started out with the same order. It was a five-way chili.

Yep. And, you know, a cheese cone. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. I mean, that Skyline is not overrated. No. That cinnamon they put in that chili, it's a delight.

It really is. It's so good. And I had to do it. If it was vegan, I'd be all over it right now. Were the noodles, I haven't had the noodles in a minute. The noodles were thin Are they always like that? They're like a bourbon jelly

Oh my god So good I'm going to think about that breakfast Those were the last words I said Before I jumped in You want to be a deathbed? I'm just going to think about it It won't be my wife's face

It won't be my favorite song. It'll be that Skyline Chili Noodle. Dined in Skyline Chili. Think about it. So you got a fucking Coney, right? Yeah. And a five-way chili. Yeah.

And then you went back for a little extra treat, huh? I got a chili cheese burrito or a chilito. And you ate it there? Oh, I will. Yeah. One of the wildest things I've heard all day today, though, was also from Chris, because as we were walking into the Skyline, he goes, you think they have dessert?

I was curious. And they did! They ate cheesecake. We didn't get any. What, is it smothered? Did I get a cheesecake five-way? Yeah. Put it right on top. Go ahead and just shove it right up my ass. Yeah.

It's coming out that way soon. Dude, I love that kind of eating. I'm happy for y'all. It's a real dream, you know, because a lot of times, you know, you want to do that, but you're like, I don't want to look fat. Today, I was like, I don't care. Yeah, you're with Moppen.

You can't look any worse than Danny. Come on. What? Come on. You were giving yourself an air bath eating chili. A 26-year-old in Charleston two days ago said, I told him I was 40, and he goes, good God. Because he looked 50, and he was 26. Oh, you're talking about Skeeter?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He was bad with the van. Oh, you're talking about Skeeter? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He was bad with the van. Oh, my God. Yeah, there was a very sincere young man. Very nice. Yeah.

We looked like an Allman Brothers roadie. Oh, yeah. We got a mystery bag. Oh. More peaches? Oh, sweet. These are Georgia peaches. They are delicious.

We have Georgia peaches fresh out the bag. I thought you went to work and all of a sudden you bring up a bag of peaches. And a livered weed. Whoa. Last time my wife offered me a mystery bag, there was a dead bird inside of it. I was half expecting to look in there and be like, yeah, I bet it was peaches. It's a turd. It's a light. It's like, ah, gotcha.

Off to work. It turns a difference. Is it a turd with a candle in it? Yeah. You guys want peach? Yeah, I think so. It would be kind of gross to eat on the podcast. There's a lot of mouth sounds.

I love eating on the pod. Okay, let me get some plates. People hate it. I'm not as bad as you. Yeah. I'll eat the peach after the pod. Thank you for the peaches. Thank you so much.

Yeah, they're from a friend of mine. She got them, but she had to go out of town. She's actually a zipper. And she messaged me. She was like, they're right on my counter. If you want to come get them, there's the code in my house. Oh, wow. The rules.

Thank you. Is that code supposed to be common knowledge? No. Okay. All right. Becker, edit. All right. Becker, edit from like 43 to now.

So we're back. We had a bit of a peach respite chris's uh beautiful betrothed showed up with a bag full of georgia peaches and now uh if you hear some slurping and glurping you're welcome okay we uh danny and i well skeeter of course we don't have to that. We don't have to go after that. That furry man. But we drove from Huntington after the Cupcake Shop show. We went to the Blue Parrot.

Shout out to the Blue Parrot. That guy Andy. Do you know his last name? Andy Frampton. Andy Frampton. Nope. Andy Frampton. Second Frampton I know.

Yeah, and you didn't have to Kick his ass Yeah I didn't I couldn't have either No He's way bigger than Peter Andy was a hoss Yeah Andy was a big boy

And he took us to The Blue Parrot In Charleston There was like a Fucking metal detector Wand out front I guess things get Hairy in there

But he was a good hang The bartender was a fan And he was like Man I wish I knew That y'all were having a show tonight, but they don't fucking promote shit. And I was like, you're like two doors down from where the show was. And he's like, yeah, they didn't really tell anyone about it,

but hey, how about a fucking Horchamo shot on us? No, it was a Burt Reynolds shot. A Burt Reynolds shot, yeah. Which was, what we ended up finding out was half Captain Morgan, half cinnamon or something like that. It was something creamy. Something creamy. I want to say it was like rum chata or something.

I wonder what that is that Burt Reynolds drank. I guess he used to drink it. On the day he died, the bartender looked it up. Like, what did Burt Drennels drink? Oh. Yeah, so he whipped those up, and they became the novelty shot of the bar. It's all good. Yeah, and it was good.

But also, I kept telling people, I was like, I have to drive to Huntington. And they were like... They did not care that they were fleeting me shots and giving me yinglings. They were like, oh, it's just about an hour down the road. Man, shit. Who cares? Well, yeah, that's the thing about... Be the party goat.

Yeah. The mountains. Yeah, it's the party goat. When you get in the Appalachian Mountains, they're like, hell, you ain't gonna see him by for an hour. You know what I mean? Ain't no big deal. Come on, plug a few. You know? Drive with one eye open.

Who cares, man? Okay, alright. The sheriff is a Henderson. They're good folk. This is also a rental car with New Jersey plates. You think I'm not a target? Yeah. You know what I mean? I've seen my cousin Vinny.

Yeah. And also, it's a fucking, what is that thing? It's a Chevy Bolt? Chevy Spark. Spark? Yeah. So it's just me taking up two-thirds of the front seat. It is insane.

And then you over there looking like my keeper, you know? I'm in the back seat, but everything's, we're just side by side. I'm driving from the back. That sounds like a Mario Kart. Oh, dude, it's ridiculous. You're sticking out the top of it. Woo-hoo! Danny and I don't look like we should be allowed out, wherever we are.

It is a silly little combo. You did stay out of the cemetery. Oh, for sure, yeah. Enough. Enough of that. Yeah. That the cops got caught. Uh-huh. Well, you know, just ghost cops. Yeah. Send Lindy down. Yeah. Enough. Enough. Yeah. That the cops got caught.

Well, you know, just ghost cops. Yeah. Send Lindy down. Have them spook him. Tell him, sunglasses off, Lindy. Let him see all your irises. We went to, was that still West Virginia or was that Ohio somehow where we had breakfast? Oh, Waffle House?

Java Joe's. Oh, no, Java Joe's. That was definitely still in West Virginia or was that Ohio somehow where we had breakfast? Oh, Waffle House? Java Joe's. Oh no, Java Joe's. Remember fucking Java Joe's? That was definitely still in West Virginia. That was in Huntington. That was the saddest place I've ever been. It was bleak. It sucked. It was like a fucking Flannery O'Connor short story, dude. It moved me in a way. We were looking for coffee in Huntington,

you know, after we just like squatters rights this poor kid's girlfriend's apartment. Yeah. You don't want to, you don't want to do it. I don't want you to do it. You don't want to wake him up. You wake him up.

It's on you, brother. You have to sign this release if you go in that room. And so I was like, let's get some coffee. So we went like two. My feet just do slippery. Everybody. So we went two exits down the highway. Somewhere in very far western West Virginia.

We get off the highway. Go to Java Joe's. We're looking for it. We pull into a gas station to get gas. Two rival gangs show up in different drywall trucks. Yeah. It is a weird place. Like four people in the bed. Yeah. And just all just like... Cover trucks. Yeah. But it is a weird place. Like four people in the bed.

Yeah. And just all just like... Covered in dust. Toothless, wife-beater-wearing white guys. Yeah, yeah. The best way I can describe it. That'll get your heart pumping. Oh, yeah, for sure.

We were like, let's get out of here. Yeah, we're in the Chevy Volt. Yeah, yeah. We're in New Jersey, play. It's like, we're going to get... Danny's wearing a shirt that says like you're queef or mine. You know, we don't look like tough gentlemen.

We look like we're there to like buy up the downtown to turn it into a water park. You know, we look like carpetbaggers. So we're going to Jabba Joe's. We passed by a guy. They're just the guy in like a dilapidated red brick home built in like

you know the 1930s when coal was still coal and men were still men and he's just standing in his doorway like kind of patting himself down

he's literally just brushing himself off with his own hand yeah kind of thing fully clothed Sam just goes well that guy's dirty.

Yeah. I look to the left. I see this guy just brushing himself off. Uh-huh. Yeah. He's taking his air bath. Yeah. It's like, oh, well, hey, it's Friday. Gonna be a good weekend. Yeah. Time for the air bath. Fully clothed. Better clean up, Clem.

And we were like, okay, cool. Well, Java Joe's is just around the corner. So we go to Jabba Joe's. And this, this will wind up in some bit of fiction that I write for sure. We go in.

It's a, it's a small, I don't know, what do you want to say? Tough shed size building? Yeah, that sounds about right. Yeah, probably as big as, it's not as big

as your downstairs. Small room. It would be a place where you would rent the U-Haul, but they would drive you half a mile to go pick it up. It's like a pod situation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And unbeknownst to us, it is a coffee shop, if you Google it. But really what it is is a casino where every beer is $2. And there's five slot machines in the back.

And the clientele. In the darkest room you've ever been in your life. Correct, yes. The clientele is like they were extras in Gummo because they were too ugly to be main characters. Yes, and the lady behind the counter, 4'6", 460 pounds. All right. And we walk in and we're like, hey, can we get some coffee? And she says, how much do you want?

I was like, I'll have a large. And Danny was like, I'll have a medium because I'm the rascal. Some, you know, fun bit of folksiness. I only wanted a medium. Yeah. She was like, I'll have to make it. We're like, okay, that's good. So then she tries to stand up, but she really can't.

So she just kind of hunches forward on her cane. And she's, you know, in her latter years a little bit too, but also just like some sort of injury may have happened or something. Of course. Yeah, I think gravity crushed her joints. No matter what. I think she ground her tendons down to pulp and sold them to air bath. It's not like express service no this is all i'm

saying well no because she tried to get up that woman came out and she's like this tan ain't working and she was like i'm gonna have to give you two fives and her getting two fives out of the drawer took 35 seconds she gave them to the lady and she's like leave these she's gonna be two fives and she's like who cares there's going in the machine so which is just the lotto machine in the back room of this coffee shop. Right. So then we're standing there for a bit as she is not capable of making coffee. We went and walked in the casino after we ordered, looked around.

We come back out. She has not made it to the coffee pot yet. And she has decided she's not going to walk. She's in like a weird office chair. So she's just rolling around. She's just mojo world. Remember when the X-Men were turned into children, X-Babies? No. a weird like office chair so she's just rolling around she's just mojo world remember when like the x-men were turned into children x babies no well there was mojo who like ran the television

network and he couldn't walk so his legs were just like electronic spider legs okay so she's mojoing around all right so i see how long it's gonna take her to make this fucking coffee and i just walk by danny and i say bail bail and we did and we bailed we ran out of there yeah and knowing that she couldn't like come out and shake her cane at us because that was four feet away and also i did feel terrible because i was like man he did a lot and we did not deliver it i couldn't wait it was gonna take an hour i couldn't wait around. It was going to take an hour. I couldn't be part of that anymore. But why call yourself Java Joe's? There was another Java Joe's two blocks away, too. Yeah, there was a chain of Java Joe's.

Huh. And that one was packed. That must have been a good one. Yeah. Where they actually have coffee. Also, Java Joe's, it wasn't like you can come in and get a macchiato. You couldn't get a mocha or an espresso. There was one gas station coffee pot yes there was

no coffee in it wow yeah there was uh multiple stacks of unused towels yes there were so many towels towels to the roof and it's like no coffee what services are you offering in here ma'am i'm so puzzled i'm just like, how did this place get this? That's how we thought. How did it get that way? How did she get this way? What's with the towels? I think it's just this place that's, you know, by the exit on the freeway.

She's the personification of late-stage capitalism. You know what I mean? She's in a place that's been... Yeah, exactly. Yes. She's a slug woman. Yeah. She's a slug woman yeah

she's a chodelet and she's you know I mean Charleston is very pretty Huntington's where Marshall was Huntington

yeah very gorgeous pretty place yeah it was very pretty but it seems like it is one of those just like

midwestern places like alright this used to be something and now it's a waiting room. Well, it is. I mean, it's not just Midwestern. It's most of America outside the cities. That's true. I mean, this is like very much Appalachia.

Yeah. We were in the latch. You know? That's what I call it. That's true. Mm-hmm. But. It's just like there's no industry in this town.

All it is is antique malls and two Jabba Joes and the mayor's giving himself an air bath in the doorway you know the mayor's just brushing off

yeah these ham bonings are bad these ham bonings yeah he's juggling whatever you call it yeah

he couldn't afford the jug anymore so he's doing it with his mouth yeah and me and Danny are just driving around kind of stoned

like you know 1230 in the afternoon after squatting in a boys house we need coffee let's go to the place called Jabba Joe's sounds like they've got it

yeah can we get some coffee how much y'all want I'll drink whatever you don't that's exactly what you said give whatever you want I'll drink whatever you don't. That's exactly what you said. Give whatever you want.

I'll drink whatever you guys don't. Oh, that's so sad. I know. Dude, it was really sad. It was incredibly sad. But while it was so sad, I was watching how sad Sam was taking it in. And I could see that burden on your soul. Yeah, put it on you.

That was just me holding back laughter the entire time. It was like you talking to that pink hair last night. This is fucking hilarious. I can't help but watch how my friend is so sad in this situation. It was you talking to that woman after the late show last night. It was the exact same phenomenon. And I've always read the literature of this area and the deeper south. In particular, Bryce DJ Pancake from...

That's a real guy's name. Okay. I know. Did you pick on Jeff Meade? No, I didn't. Oh, no, dude. I brought him up. That is the crazy thing.

Yeah, I think it's Brees D. It's D apostrophe J and his last name is Pancake. He was published by the West Virginia University. He's amazing. Just like Southern Gothic shit. Faulknerian. And then also there's this guy, Donald Rick Pollock, who wrote about Southern Ohio. And I didn't know Southern Ohio until I read more.

It was like pretty much Appalachia. You know what I mean? Like it's the South effectively. Yeah. So I read all these books and I've been like, oh, this is fucking crazy. No one actually lives this way. You know, this must be a past time. And then you're in Jabba Joe's and Mojo Mama's skittering around the ground begrudgingly making you a pot of coffee.

Because the casino's, you know, there's two people in there. Remember that guy with the fucking black wife beater and all the tattoos? Yes. He's just sitting there. What's his deal? What's his deal? Well, and like the one conversation that was had Outside of us Was between the lady

Making the coffee And what seemed to be a regular Of the casino And he comes out and now and now they're talking about A watermelon That a friend had given them He got done dirty by a watermelon And he was complaining Complaining about the watermelon had given them. He got done dirty by a watermelon.

And he was complaining about the watermelon. A gifted watermelon. It didn't taste like anything. He said it doesn't, it didn't taste like anything. Verbatim quote. It was a trick melon. Verbatim. That watermelon didn't taste like anything. And then the lady

just threw up a little. I'm sorry. And then the lady... She's through. I'm sorry. And then the lady is still trying to make the coffee. And she goes, well, that's the reason he gave it to you. That's why it cost a dollar. And I was like, I thought it was a gift. How do you know? He had to sell it for tax purposes. Right.

I was just so confused. And he was sitting right by the huge stack of towels Yes He's got these melons and his wife's like I didn't eat that, it doesn't taste like nothing He's like, I'll just give it to Ricky for a dollar He won't know And then Ricky's complaining to Merbil

You know Those boys in the two trucks Are going to come take it out of his ass I'm going to get take it out of his ass. Yeah. I'm liking the flavor in that melon. That's what I was like. We have to get out of here. I can't listen to Melon Gate over here.

I love the idea of their Spencer's Gifts. Their gag. Gifts dropped is just like melons that don't taste like anything. You know. Oh, wait till he sees this. Wait till you look on his face. Check it out. Get strapped is just like melons that don't taste like anything. Oh, wait till you see this. Wait till you look on his face. Check it out. Melons don't taste like nothing. Spencer's Gift is a farm of tasteless fruits.

That's their punked. Yeah, put them in here. Everything's a dollar. The fake vomit is not really fake. It's just not yours. The stuff you want to be real isn't. The stuff you want to be fake is definitely real. I mean, how much for that puke?

How much for that puke? No, don't worry. We're almost out, but we're making more. We got Marble in there. She's got a seven-way chili. She'll have some fresh in a minute. If you don't want that pu pig, I'll eat it. I told him that melon ain't good for nothing, but fucking.

That melon been on down by the chowder converter booth? Oh, hell yeah. He's this guy, alright. He's local to here. He likes to go up and he likes to eat the Manhattan Red and then travel down and convert it through his butt too now that is a bit the new age right in your ass

for a while and you're running it on the pod with our buddy chris i know how bad it is and i've never used it since the time I tried it. You used it at every fucking house party last summer. I love you. Well, it's, again, I love doing, it's because it sucks

and my girlfriend hates it too. Yeah, everyone hates it, Danny. It's so funny. I love it. I love it the first time and then every party I saw you at last summer

you'd be like, hey, I've been working on this new business venture here. You got my ass. Yeah. Oh.

What is that? It's like, it's like, you eat the Manhattan Red and you shit out the new England White. I thought it was the other way around. You can reverse convert. What's a Manhattan Red? Manhattan Red is chowder. There's a new England clam chowder that's white,

and Manhattan clam chowder has tomatoes in it. Okay. It's red. I didn't know that. So you eat the red, you shit out the white. I thought you ate the white and you shit out the red. That makes so much more sense. I can do either one.

The other way around is asinine. All I know is just passive income. Yeah. So that's the button. Yeah, that's the button. Ah, I see. So if you were at Greg Baumhauer's... All right, back to our edit point.

No. Oh, guys. Well... All right, back to our edit point. No. Oh, guys. Well. I'm just picturing that sluggish old spider in an actual spider web. And a fly lands and it can't get out. She's like. It's a living.

Drag into it, you know. Yeah. I don't feel it. Would you like the main product of this establishment? Yeah. That'll be about an hour and a half. I'll get to it. As soon as we get to the bottom of this melon. The spider gets caught in the web because it just tries to roll itself over.

It becomes a big snowball. It just bed sores. Yeah. Yeah, Merble. God bless her. I feel bad but she does she's not long

for this fucking world yeah yeah she was very nice no she wasn't I was I was trying to help she was fucking pissed

we ordered coffee at Jabba Joe's she made us feel stupider yeah yeah I was like hey lady but you know

you're the dumb one for sure. I was the best. Yeah. You tried to find something redeemable about her and you couldn't do it. Uh-uh. I'm trying to see the best. Yeah. No.

Guarbo was not going to deliver any coffee. Guarbo tired. Yeah, for sure. We did find out that here in Louisville, Kentucky, a certain person named Bako does have a residence. Yeah, check out the Shubby Behemoth Instagram to see. Bako is real, everyone. And apparently they own a hair salon. Yeah, Chris, you don't listen to the pod, but there's a whole mythology behind the fifth Ninja Turtle.

His name is Bako. Okay, I love it. Yeah. He doesn't carry, like, a samurai weapon. He just carries an AR-15, and he's violent. He's pretty much just a taxi driver, but he's a Ninja Turtle. Okay. And, you know, there's going to be a plague and that kind of stuff.

Is he a teenager, too? That's never been discussed. No. I don't think he ages. He's very anxious. Yeah, he's like the Alpha and the Omega. Yeah. Baco has always been, and he reigns in hell.

Yeah. Heaven's afraid of him, that kind of thing. Anyway, Chris, anything you want to plug? Not really. Okay, good call. Perfect. Yeah. Danny?

I mean, when is this airing? It'll come out before Sunday. Eddie Pepitone is headlining Planet of the Tapes next weekend. Yes, he is. So if you live in Louisville, if you're a Louisville listener. Also, shout out to those dudes who drove to the show last night from fucking Little Rock. Yeah. That was cool.

Oh, wow. Yeah, they're fans of the pod. They drove down. That was sick. The Late Show. Yeah, they were the orange hat guy and his brother. That rules. Yeah, that was really sick.

That made me feel good. Thank you guys. I'm glad you guys saw the second show. Yeah, Eddie Pepitone, probably the best one we have living now. The Norm's dead. He's a planter of the tapes. So if you live in the Indianapolis, Cincinnati, Louisville, tri-state area, go see Eddie at Planter of the Tapes.

Support that club. Chris is in no way involved in that club. I don't know why we're being so weird about it. I just don't own it anymore. He didn't make it an hour and two minutes without outing himself

and now here we are. You're just another flying Merble's web. Danny, anything you want to plug? Sounds good. Thank you, guys. No, tell them. Tell them your shit. No, tell them your shit.

No, what I'll plug, because this is a podcast, I'll tell you about my podcast I do with Tyra Snodgrass. It's called Take This Pod and Shove It. It's the podcast where comedians and country music fans make the ultimate country music playlist, one song at a time. It's a good pod. I've been on it. It's full of goofs. It's not just about country music. Thank God.

And we just goof off real good. And check that out. New episodes every Monday. I am going to be in Alaska the 18th, 19th, 20th, 21st. Anchorage the 20th. Wasilla the 19th. The 18th and 21st. There's no way you listen

to this podcast and you live anywhere near where those shows are. But I will be in Hilarities, Cleveland the 2nd and 3rd of September. Probably going to be doing Indianapolis the 1st of September. High Plains Comedy Festival, 8th, 9th, 10th.

I'll be there. In Denver, Go Bananas the 15th, 16th, 17th, 10th. I'll be there in Denver. Go Bananas, the 15th, 16th, 17th, 18th. Come out and see me. And then Hawaii, the 1st through the 8th of October. All dates at samtalent.com. Skank Fest is coming up. Fucking the Deep South's

all coming up. Chicago, Boston, San Francisco, Colorado Springs. Thank you all for listening to Chuggy Behemoth. Join the Patreon. Oh, fuck, we have to do an ad. Oh, we do? Fuck.

Well, what's the ad? Join the Patreon. It's all I really care about. All right? All right. Yeah, so patreon.com slash chuggybehemoth. $5 an episode. Get on there.

If we get enough people joining up there, we're going to get Danny a sweet pair of genderless tits. Come on. What? It's going to be great. We're going to have you get some bolt-ons for you. Thank you. It'll be great. Bolt-ons? Yeah, yeah. Get some good floppy ones. Yeah, we're going to get some heavy hangers. They're going to be like marbles.

Your tits are going to be pissed they ordered coffee from them. Alright. But I do think... I don't even remember fucking the name of this place. What's the ad reads? I know. Okay, everybody. Fucking stalling ass dipshit. I know you guys.

I gotta look it up. I know you guys love our sponsor, everyone. 7-strong.com everyone. 7-strong.com everyone 7-strong yes Chris it does sound like a white supremacist company but no 7- it sounds like that truck was on

oh they were 7-strong oh for sure yeah those boys were strong and they last long uh god they're all just a flock of birds that each say the same thing But in different inflections Like get him get him

Instead of bread you throw a can of skull at someone's feet In his descent Seven dash strong You know guys I don't know about you But I get sweaty I think I've been known to be a big dripping hog Out there in the wild I have hyperhidrosis

Danny has fucking hyperhidrosis. I have it. I really do. See, it's a real thing. Everyone's got hyperhidrosis now. You're the one. Oh, yeah, and you guys are both from Louisville? Yeah. Oh, yeah, what's that indicative of?

Must be something in the wall. It's a real sweat t-shirt contest, don't you think? Yes. So, I didn't know I was with two freaks. Anyway, I got these two dripping mole rats, and they get sweaty. And if you want to wear a button-up shirt that doesn't let this, it's a nice wicking material. They go all the way from extra small to 4XL, 7-Strong brand. They make great button-ups, great for wearing to your summer parties.

You know, maybe you're planning an insurrection with like-minded gentlemen. You know, maybe you're planning an insurrection with like-minded gentlemen. Whatever it may be, 7-strong.com. Put in code CHUBBY5 at checkout for, that's right, 5% off. What a deal, guys, right? Do we get paid from this? I'm not sure. They sent me and Lund some shirts.

So, yeah. Oh, I know. They're going to take care of some of the sales tax. Oh, yeah. Also, it's free shipping over 50 bucks. Oh, that's perfect, yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, they're going to take care of some of the sales tax. Oh yeah. Also it's free shipping over 50 bucks. Yeah. So, uh, yeah.

Seven strong. I wear them. They are paying us allegedly for it, but, uh, seven dash strong.com. Check them out. Chubby five at checkout.

Uh, we love you. Thank you all for listening. Pimps up. Hey, I'm Nathan one. Good night. Oh, it's the number 7 I typed in 7-strong

Typing out the word 7 like a nerd No it's numeric 7-strong Everybody It's a great website Oh you're still doing the ad read I thought you were doing the ad Well no Chris just pointed out The numeric seven

dash strong dot com yeah no it's very much worth mentioning if you go to seven dash strong that is some

violent pornography so stay away from that unless it's your kink and then hey get your stink on your dink

but we this oh yeah I'm dedicating this one to you they have nice they have nice shirts oh yeah I know I mean I'm tryingicating this one to You?

They have nice shirts I know, I'm trying to make the ad read funny But the shirts are good I like them You can wear them without a t-shirt Which is fucking very rare for me I need to have a tee underneath my shirt But not these Because they're specifically designed to wick that sweat

Away from your dripping hog body Fat fuck Alright So hey, get Myrtle on the phone and tell her we got her a dress to wear to her daughter's third wedding. Myrtle was nice. Myrtle sucked.

You didn't think she... I thought she was nice. No. We didn't even talk about the Waffle House. But... No, we didn't. No, it's okay. Because everybody was pleasant.

Everyone was nice. Nothing was weird. No stories. Number7-strong.com everyone. Chubby5 at checkout. That's numeric five. That's the number five because nothing is easy

and the world is bad. But Chubby Behemoth on Patreon. Thank you guys so much. RIP Ping Pong Jeff.