Chubby Behemoth - Pizza Bucket

Episode Date: October 28, 2021

Ran Barnalco @ranbarnaclo on Instagram   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

Sometimes I'll do 25 to 45. People aren't pissed? I never go for an hour. People love it. It sounds like a prank. It is a prank. Hey, I'm in your head, it's me, Rand. Hey, listen to me! Oh my god, I'm in here.

I'm chewing up the goddamn drywall. Man, will you fucking relax, dude? Yum yum, it's me, Rand. Look at me, I live in your brain. Cheaper rent than where I live. You think? I sound like... You. It sounds like you're straining.

Yeah, you're straining every goddamn day. Straining to say something funny. I'm just going to wait until you hit record. We're recording. Oh, man. We're in. It starts with a preemptive blast to establish dominance. I don't like that.

Too bad, gerbil brain. No, I didn't. Why don't you spit the hamsters out of your mouth? Don't start calling me gerbil brain and telling me I got hamsters in my mouth after how you were acting earlier. Well, brother, your bedroom that you're staying in smells like a fucking hamster cage. The way you were staring at the lady at Ben and Jerry's was very off-putting. What are you talking about? You looked like you were going to pick her up and eat her.

I was. I would have loved to. I wanted to dip her in some fudge. She was little. Yeah. Yeah. She was like a... You went to the bathroom for a long time and I heard you puking and punching yourself in

the ribs. Yeah, I said, I can't have any, I mean, I can't have any creams. And then you were out there being like, damn, you guys have brick and mortar Ben and Jerry's? Yeah, I was like, I'm not from around here. We don't have these in Rascal Junction. I don't live in Rascal Junction anymore. Yeah, I know. They kicked you out. Yeah. I mean like, I'm not from around here. We don't have these in Rascal Junction. I don't live in Rascal Junction anymore. Yeah, I know. They kicked you out.

Yeah, I'd be a rascal. Too rascally. Yeah. I put pennies on the train tracks. Yeah. Yeah, you did. It was a puppy named Penny. What?

I had a puppy named Penny. He got run over by a train. Nuh-uh. Yeah, how do you feel about that? Good. I feel fine. I feel like I called it. I love it.

You just have to scrape that off and put it in a curio cabinet. Quick and hot. Okay. I take this seriously. Oh, okay. This is my bread and butter. Go ahead. Yeah. Go ahead. Tell me something nasty. No. Here, let me do my intro for my podcast. Hello, everyone. I'm Trinity James. Welcome to fall. Let me translate it for you. Okay. Okay, you go ahead. Hello. Welcome to fall, y'all. I'm Trinity Jamesames the nasty boy himself what's up big bucks okay it's me the autumn monster okay i'm trying to names and i'm trying to have fun despite the fact that no one likes me oh man you're rude you're drinking a couple oats i am yeah that's what the clydes. No, you're the mountain hog. I am the Clydesdale on this podcast.

Yeah, on this podcast, in real life, you've been trying to pull the wool over everyone's eyes saying you're the Clydesdale. I'm pulling the mane over their eyes. No, Clydesdale is just a big, dumb draft horse that takes beer into town. Yeah, and what do I do? You think it's a majestic beast. I take the beer out of town. Yeah, you sure do. In your body.

You don't think Clydesdales are majestic? No, they're just big snakes. They're big, stinky fart machines. Okay, and? And. Okay. Well. And you think that the smartest woodland creature, the mountain hog, is me?

You're the mountain hog. All right. Yeah, you're the boss. Yeah. You're the boss of all pigs. You're a hog and I'm a mountain. No, you're the mountain hog. Yeah.

No, I'm the foreman of the pig nation. I'm the Cincinnati River Rat. We've already established that. Yeah, and you love the river so No, I'm the foreman of the pig nation. I'm the Cincinnati River rat we've already established that. Yeah, and you love the river so much you thought the Mississippi ran right through the heart of Ohio. I thought it touched Ohio at the base tip. Dumb piece of shit. I thought it touched it. You thought it was the vein in the dick of Ohio. I thought it...

No, I know the mighty Ohio is the vein in the dick of Ohio. You thought it brought industry from Cleveland all the way down to Athens. Well, thanks for coming on Rumble Lips. I'm Trinity James. Welcome to fall, y' Athens. Well, thanks for coming on Rumble Lips. I'm Trinity James. Welcome to fall, y'all. Hey, thanks for coming on my podcast. I like having fun when no one else is around. I got moles all over my body.

I won't let Sam's wife look at them. I have two moles, and your wife doesn't. I just met her. I'm not going to let her look at my body. Dude, she literally loves peeping people's torsos for abnormalities. I know. You said show her your meat. I know you meant body meat, but it's like, come on, man.

She's asleep up there. You're going to hang toad to my sleeping wife? No, I'm not going to hang toad. What is hanging toad? Fun move. She's asleep. We sneak up there. We both pull our pants down, wake her up, see if she can tell whose is whose.

No. I'm sure that's a crime. No, not in my house. She'll be able to tell whose is whose. One's burnt to a crisp. Yeah. It's yours. Yeah, mine looks like it's been on a roller at 7-Eleven.

Yeah. Yours looks like it fell on the subway. Checking your phone already, huh? Mm-hmm. I know. I mean, it's in. Yeah, I always do. Worried about ticket sales down there?

I'm going to have to Google. What are you going to Google? Words I use because you're stupid? Yeah. Yeah. Chrysanthemum? Flower. Yeah, all right.

All right. It's a yellow one. Yeah, sure. Just like Marty. So. I don't know how to edit on Audacity. We're not editing. Okay. Flower! Yeah, alright. It's a yellow one. Yep, sure. Just like Marty. So... I don't know how to edit on those answers. We're not editing. Okay.

We're having fun. No one knows what that means. Yeah, nobody knows what that means. Marty's just a chrysanthemum that grows in my garden. So you want to tell the people who you are? I'm Trinity James. Welcome to fall, y'all. You're right.

Trinity James. Now, you live in the bottom of the sea or in the middle? Nope, middle. Yeah. Middle. I feel like you're a calypso god. Trinity James is a person that I saw on the TV show Cheaters. Whoa, which you were watching this morning. I was. Yeah, you woke up.

Did you know that I was watching Cheaters? I know everything that happens in that room. Oh, man. Yeah. Then you heard a wild wall-shaking fart I had last night. You erupted? Yeah. Interesting. I busted. Whoa You erupted? Yeah. Interesting.

I busted. Whoa. Butt busted. Yeah. You pulled an ass cheek. I popped a cheek. And we can talk about how last night when I walked in the house. We don't need to.

What you were up to. What was I up to? So I get to come in. Thanks for letting me drive your car all the way to Denver. You didn't tell me people wreck into tumbleweeds, and that was pretty scary. Yeah, it's fun when you came over here and your mind was blown by a tumbleweed. Well, dude, I didn't know this was tumbleweed country.

I didn't know I was in the heart of Amarillo. What do you think it was? I'm Big Tex. Eat my 64-pound steak. You live in Colorado. It's Texas adjacent. Amarillo touches. Does it?

Yeah. Does the river touch? Which one? The Red River? The Big Texas River. Is that one? Yeah. what's it run with gravy it's run with garlic butter oh cool let me get my toesies in yeah that's dude

that'll be your intro to shrimp you eat one of my toes dipped in garlic butter i'm not gonna eat one of your toes why i've got plenty to give you need them all plus they're too seasoned mine are rough dude i don't like season check out the lack of toenails. What'd you do? I don't know. Get a bunch of walls? No, I'm just having fun. Just living my life. So I walk in from coming back. I come back about midnight. You did a great show, you said. Yeah, it was one of the most fun shows I've ever done.

You did it at the legendary Lion's Lair right there in Denver. Yep. Where some, where I think the slogan is, get blackout drunk on a Tuesday. Yeah, sure. So people were just blackout drunk. They're not your kids during the week. They're her problem. Yeah.

Lion's Lair. Yeah, the Lion's Lair was basically a place that I would envision, if you envisioned a bar in the hull of a moving ship. Okay, it's in steerage. That's right. Lion's Lair. We're not even, you know your name. Yeah.

Stealing moppins there, dancing around. Yeah, he was going back and shoveling coal in the engine room. Yeah. And he's coming up and doing a set. Yeah, he kept rubbing it on his face and then doing Steve Harvey voice. Yeah. I was like, he's shooting every fucking buddy? So then I come home, or come to your house.

It is your home. And I open the door, and the first thing that hits me when I open the door at midnight on a Tuesday is, I know that wife's gone. Yep. I know that Papa T's asleep in the other room. Uh-huh. And the first thing I hear when I open the door is a clean gunshot. Yeah.

Like a loud gunshot. And then multiple other gunshots. And then people with Boston accents screaming. And my first thing was like, is he watching the town? And then I came through your living room and you were sprawled out on the couch holding in the same hand a jewel and a weed pen. Yeah. And you're watching the town at max volume while your poppy's asleep. It was 99. Dude, your dad's so nice.

And it's like, boo, boo boo yeah hey i'm walking in the car yeah dude it was crazy i was like he's watching the loudest fucking a scene from the town at midnight yeah all the lights on so high that's how i do it you you look like you just woke up i have my brain my third eye woke up yeah no i like having all the lights on real late. Oh, yeah, that was the other thing. Every light in the house was blasting. Uh-huh, yeah.

It's attracting moths. You're going to have to be careful. You're going to have to sell more books to keep these lights blasting to your liking. I don't pay for the electricity in this house. Well, checkmate. Yeah, got your dumbass doctor. So you're running it up on your wife? Yeah, I'm not allowed to get electricity in my name because of some whoopsies when I was

22. Name one whoopsie. Uh, didn't pay a light bill for like three years. Okay. We've all done that. I'm not paying it now. Now I got money. Come and get it for my cold, dead hands. Now I'm too old to pay the bill. Yeah, fuck yeah. That light's dead. There should be a statute of limitation on light bills. Not just light bills.

What else? You know the ones. Some of the crimes you're guilty of. Pig murder? Yeah. Dun dun dun. Welcome to Rumble Lips, the number one pig murder podcast. Yeah, that's me. I'm Trinity James. I'm Ran Borticlo and I have a podcast called Rumble Lips. Yes, you do. And now, Ran, you're from Cincinnati, which you won't shut up about. Oh, you guys talk about it. Oh, yeah, because it's fun. It's like a mystical place. It's a fun word to say. Lots of syllables that don't make sense. Yeah. Is it Italian? I don't think so. Is it German? Schoolboy Q's from there?

That's not true. Yeah, it is. Why does he say, Cincinnati since my mama had me? I don't know. I say that all the time. He doesn't say it like that, though. How does he say it? He doesn't say it like a black preacher. Cincinnati since my mama had me. Okay, yeah, that's how he says it in the time. He doesn't say it like that, though. How's he say it? He doesn't say it like a black preacher. Since my mama had me. Okay, yeah, that's how he says it in the song. That's why I need my phone to Google.

Where's schoolboy Q from? Okay, look it up. Because the people right now, they're crashing their cars wondering. They're actually probably yelling. Yeah. Everybody knows. They're like, who's this guy?

Where's Lund? Where's Lund? At a Black Lives Matter benefit? People think Lund's a cuck on this pod. You couldn't have gone any further away from where schoolboy Q is from. Where's Lund? At a Black Lives Matter benefit? People think Lund's a cuck on this pod. You couldn't have gone any further away from where schoolboy Q is from. Where's he from? Seattle, Washington? October 26, 1986.

He's 35 years old. He was born in Wiesbaden, Germany. Okay, but is that code? Because you guys have a lot of German culture there in Cincinnati. Okay, let's see. Nope, he was born in Germany. Is that where he got the hat? His origin, yep, he got his German hat there. His origin is south

Los Angeles, California. No way! Then why does he say Cincinnati since mama had me? I don't know. I know one thing definitely doesn't say it that way. Look it up. Look up the lyric. He's a fan of the Los Angeles Angels and the San Francisco 49ers.

Whoa. Schoolboy Qua. Qua. Yeah. Interesting. Well, thanks for calling me a liar in my own house. What's his name? Trinity James.

No. Let me guess. I bet he's born in Germany. Frankfurter von Muttenbach. Well, his name's Schoolboy Q. You're really close. His name's Schoolboy Q. You're really close. His name's Schoolboy Q.

I wonder what that Q was named for. Quanterius. God, you're so shitty. It's Quincy. His name's Quincy? Yeah. Oh, my God. Schoolboy Quincy. He's Quincy now?

Quanterius. Yeah. That's no one's name. Probably a couple offensive linemen in the league. Oh, that's true. Yeah. I've heard of, what's that guy? Barquevious.

Barquevious Mello. Mingo. Mingo? Yeah. Barquevious is a good one. Of the Mingo twins. His brother's name is Bingo. Bingo Mingo?

Bingo Mingo. He sells used jet skis in Panama. You know what he says? I don't speak Panamanian. I don't either. Oh, I don't either? Yeah. So you're up here staying at my house, really testing the limits of my wife's patience.

I didn't do anything. You've done too much. It was nice. You kept saying, let's prank her, let's prank her. No, I didn't. Yeah, you do. You want them to shoot like... Soup shoes are not a prank.

They're a gift. Yeah, they're delicious, too. That's how you eat soup, out of your own shoe. Yeah, make bread shoes. You can't have any. I can't. No, I'm keto. I'm healthy. Meanwhile, you're just sucking down milkshakes

at one in the afternoon. Suck a milkshake, dude. Yeah, you were like, you want to go walk off some of these calories? I'm like, sure. You ate 1,500 calories in a cup. You're breaking straws. We had to go into a separate milkshake shop to get you a backup straw. Suck too hard. Yeah. That's what happens when you got a thirst.

I get it. Yeah, nothing quenches my thirst on a cold, windy day like a marshmallow milkshake. I'm drinking milk on a hot day. I'm drinking almond milk right now. That's the craziest almond milk I've ever seen. Guess what? There's coffee in it. Oh, that's why it looks that way.

And a little bit of half and half. Whoa. Yeah. What is that concoction? I like creamy Bev. Dude, that's beyond creamy. This is my milkshake. Half and half?

A little bit of half and half. Coffee. Yeah. I'm not using heavy cream anymore. I'm not pigging out. I used to go full heavy cream. You got an oil slick on the top of your coffee. Yeah, Barbie B goes full heavy cream.

It's like when you leave diarrhea in the bowl overnight. Every night? Overnight. Oh, overnight. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, there is a... I don't... I'm not going to do that. Leave it? Yeah, I don't leave it. Every night? Overnight. Oh, overnight. Yeah. Oh, yeah, there is a... I don't... I'm not going to do that.

Leave it? Yeah, I don't leave it. You don't have a wife. That's true. Yeah, you have to let her know what it looks like. Oh, she has to know what you're due to?

That was in our vows. Really? Yeah, I promised fidelity to never lie and also to let her peep all my droppings. Oh, peep my droppings. Yeah, I've heard

people doing that. Look at this mess. Ew. I say, bitch, go eat breakfast. I say peep my droppings. Yeah, I've heard people doing that. Look at this mess. Ew. I say, bitch, go eat breakfast. I say, your coffee's in the bowl. I mango her.

Oh, man, that's a real mango move. Yeah. Wait a second. Is that one of the things they have in a docky wife? Is that she'll, she wants to peep

your droppings? She wants to see the droppings. She wants to lance you in certain areas if you've got a boy. Oh, my God. I have a cyst at the top of my butt crack.

Of course you do. I've seen you. And so it reeks. That's what you get for sitting on a pocket full of ham for all those years. Well, I want it to hatch. I want my ham chicken to hop out. Then we can thump that like the penguin at the zoo. I gave a penguin a thud.

Yes, you did. Gave him a gentleman smack. That was the best story you've hit me with yet. Really? Yeah. Well, I mean, you're really fun

and you're one of my favorite people and I love when you're around. But today, you got too stoned before we went to lunch. Yeah. And you went from like, I've been thumping penguins.

We have fun down in Cincy. My dad was a turtle. Yeah. And then you were like, man, fucking stand up sucks. As soon as your food hit the table, you took a wild left turn.

Yeah, I was mad. It was brutal. Well, I was thinking about the phone call I had, and then I started thinking about old-school guys I look up to. Yeah. Then it gets weird where I'm like, oh, this shit is for nothing, dude. What's the point of it? I put a lot of miles on my car to go nowhere. Yeah.

You know? Yeah, you get off the phone with a legend. Yeah. Because I'm mad at you because you're not ready to order yet. We're sitting there for 45 minutes. And I mean, our server was too handsome. I just started getting angry. His name was Flynn? Yeah, Fallon.

Fallon. Guess what? Fuck you. Change it. Go buy James Corden. Go buy Leno. Go buy Jimmy Nipple. What's his name? James Corden. Yeah. Yeah. Go buy Leno. Go buy Jimmy Nipple. What's his name? James Corden. Jimmy Nipple.

Well, yeah. I'm glad we got that meat in you and then you were able to go get a little milkshake to cheer. Yeah. My meat and my milk. I need that on my Wednesdays. Yeah. You're going to get a plowman's lunch.

Yeah, dude. Well, sometimes you have to think like nobody got to eat like this in a certain time. You're right. So I've got to live it up for all the kings we've lost. Right, yeah. All the ones that died in the struggle. You think Richard Pryor ever went into a brick and mortar Ben & Jerry's? I wouldn't let him in.

Oh, that's true. It was a different time. You know what the N stands for in Ben & Jerry's. No. What? Not allowed? Yes, that's right. It's a neighborhood ice cream shop. No. What? Not allowed? Yes, that's right. Neighborhood ice cream shop.

Oh. All that cream. Yeah, you got cream neck. Well, see? Horses chew their cud. You're like, you're like, you sure you want to smoke weed before we do a podcast? You're like, I'm going to drink 16 ounces of cream-based beverage. Well, it's almond milk.

And then you're going to start talking like Milk Throat Jones. Who were we talking about before? Trinity James? No, Trinity James. Demarius Mingo? No, Barquevious Mingo. Who has Milk Throat? Who talks with milk in their throat?

Oh, that was our guy yesterday, right? Yeah. Who was that? Apple Man. Apple Man. Apple's destroyed his life. The man's been wrecked by apples. Me and, I'm walking

Ran and my dog, two leashes. Two separate leashes. One bag. I didn't need it. Who's going to fill it first? And yeah, there's this guy on my block up here in Fort Collins. There's just apples in front of his house. And as we approach, I'm like, look at all these cool apples. This is my favorite apple pile.

I'm bragging about stomping them. I'm like, I always stomp them. And then this guy gets out of his work out of the shadows right yeah and all is in his work truck for the for the lesson all that's in this work truck is buckets uh-huh that's it yeah there's no other tools there's not a shovey there's not a hammer all buckets nothing but work truck yeah like my meal we had yeah Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, a pizza bucket. Pizza bucket. Man, the way you eat is, for keto, it's insane. Oh, is it? Yeah. Or is it, what's next?

Okay. Am I living in the future? I'll wait until I get on a separate podcast and talk about your pizza bucket. Oh, go ahead. No, that's fine. No, we're talking about Apple, man, but we'll get the pizza bucket. All right, fine. So he gets out of his truck.

Somehow he gets out of the passenger seat, even though he was just driving. I thought he got out of one of those buckets. I feel like, yeah. The apples of his truck. Somehow he gets out of the passenger seat, even though he was just driving. I thought he got out of one of those buckets. The apples drive the truck. And I have the audacity to say something like, hey. Before he's out there sniffing around. Right. And I'm like, oh, he got a lot of apples. Man, and this dude.

Yeah. Hung his head. Black hat style. Right. Hung his head and he was like, yeah, well. It was like he was looking into the past. Yeah. It was like he was testifying in a war tribe.

War crimes tribunal. The apples aren't mine. He said, yeah, well, these are the Macintosh tree. We got a red delicious. And we get so many apples. And the whole time, I just started laughing. Yeah. I started laughing at him because his cadence, his tone of voice.

The first thing that popped into my head was, this man's life has been destroyed by apples. Yes, it was. He was visibly shook. My wife makes apple crisps and apple butter and we freeze some apples so we can make apple pie and apple tarts in the wintertime. We still got applesauce in there from 2017, so she don't make the sauce no more, which is good.

She don't make the sauce no more because we don't eat it. And then he just slowly pulled up a gun and started putting one bullet into it and spinning the chamber. He was wrecked. I took a photo of him on my Instagram. Yeah, what's your Instagram? Wait, let me guess. Pig vomit. Is it suckpig99?

Chodehaver? Yeah. It's tunicanwiener513. Yeah. So, yeah, you did post it, and I'm glad you got something of him, because he was telling us about how he fills up various trash cans with apples. Yeah, there's buckets in the back. And then drives them to the woods to feed the bears.

And the deer. And the deer. But the bear one was like, what, are you hand-feeding these mongrels? Yeah, you're putting them on your head like William Tell? I was like, oh man, that came from the soul. Yeah, that's right. So I think he puts the apple in his mouth and he does the most dangerous kiss. Yeah.

With the bear up in the mouth. We're going to give my wife the most dangerous kiss ever. He doesn't want to be found. I'm not kissing your wife. He doesn't want to be found. Not on her lips. Yeah, he wants to be consumed whole much like the apples have consumed his life. He wants to be found. I'm not kissing your wife. He doesn't want to be found. Not on your lips. Yeah, he wants to be consumed whole, much like the apples have consumed his life. He wants to be revenant himself.

And these aren't even big apples. Revenant suicide. They're like the size of one of my testicles after a long plane ride, you know? Huge. Yeah, he's got different apples. The sugar content's different depending on the frost. He did hit us with that. Yeah.

Depending on the frost. Yeah. I think we were there for, no joke, 12 minutes listening to his apple soliloquy. I felt bad because I laughed too soon. Yeah. You laughed right away. I laughed right at him. Yeah.

I laughed at him. And then I picked up my phone and took a video of him. Yeah. Because I was like, I can't handle this. Meanwhile, I'm there like, wow. Meanwhile, your dog's just shitting in the man's apple yard. Yes. And he's like, that's the best thing to fall in my yard in a long time that was weird when gordy went to take a shit

he goes oh don't worry about like he was just like i'll pick it up with my mouth yeah yeah i think i was my wife made apple gloves that i used sometimes i just pop them on my fingers and i say yummy yummy it's apple time. Apple skin condoms. Which one of you boys is going to fuck my apple lady? Which one of you boys is going to come inside and fuck my apple wife?

Who's going to apple Johnny Seed, my wife's fat apple titties? I just would, he's got an apple real doll in there. Oh yeah. Yeah. She makes me fuck the apples by the children walk.

Children are also apples. He's like a prisoner of war in there. Yeah. He's trapped and he bought this nice house in a nice neighborhood. Beautiful house. And now it's just

he happens to have a couple apple trees. If you guys ever get to Fort Collins you can jam around and look for the apple man. Yeah. It's right down the street from me. Yeah.

Don't look for Sam. He's out there unable to mow his lawn. Oh that was his big point of contention. The man just wants to mow his own damn grass. He can't, though, because the apples eat up the blade. There's too many landmines in there.

Plus, if you hit an apple out of the chute and it just catches the blade the right way, you're putting out neighbor's windows. Oh, yeah, you're blinding some kid on a bicycle. Yeah. Yeah, Apple Man was kind of fun, though. It's good to know that even if you got it looking on paper good, you can still just have your life wrecked by fruit. Wrecked by fruit, yeah.

That's what my dad said about my cousin. Really? Yeah, his life was wrecked by fruit. I thought he wrecked his family. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, my dad's been up here being quiet in his chair on his phone. Did he leave? Yeah, he left.

No, he's been in the room all day. I don't know. You know, he's kind of doing his own thing. Yeah, he took off. He had to go deal with some bidness, as he calls it. Okay. Yeah.

Classic Papa T bidness. He said, it's bidness time. Well, my favorite thing is as soon as I got here, it cost me $100 to get here from the airport, which is nice.

And then, as soon as I see you, I was psyched up to see my friend and sleep like a little prisoner of war over on your love seat. You could have had the big couch. I know, but I don't want to be rude or nasty. And then when you walked in, the first thing you said is, Pop Pop need pizza bucket. I did not say that. You said, ooh, Sammy Sammy pizza boy.

That is not a direct quote. That's what you said. No, I probably put some stink on it or made it fun. You said, ooh, Sammy Sammy Pizza Pizza. I did. I think the first things I said to my sister was, I need some piping hot buckets over here. Yeah, yeah. I need some buckets.

For the listener, it's a Lowe's bucket filled with pizza. It is, yeah. And you can't eat it with your hands. No, you have to eat it just face first. Like a Clydesdale. You can burn your cheek like a hog. No, hogs don't like pizza. Hogs love pizza.

I don't think so. Clydesdales don't eat pizza. They eat apples out of a dead man's yard. That guy would love to have a Clydesdale come up on it. Man, if he came here and mowed my grass and ate my apples and fucked my wife, I could die a happy peephole. I could finally get a wink of sleep in this tortured existence. I would think that, so you got here, though, and my sister and Mel and my dad were here. I wasn't even here yet.

No. They weren't here? No. You just came in. They were here. They were here. I wasn't even here yet. They were here, and then they immediately went to meet you at the pumpkin patch to see you

eat a raw pumpkin. All right. Yeah. That's what they said. I'm glad you got there before me. They said, we got to meet Sam at 1230. We do a family thing every year where Sam eats a raw pumpkin and scares kids at a pumpkin patch.

Yeah. They said, Sam's about to set the record. Yeah. And you're like, what record? And you're like. We're pumpkin eating guys. You're like, watch the six o'clock news. Yeah.

Yeah. They're like, local hog eats 200 pound pumpkin uh king clydesdale yeah yeah mountain hog and then they're like oh excuse me we have to we have an update it's actually the mountain hog all right man he's rebranding comes up it's like me popping out of a pumpkin eating my way out of a pumpkin pizza bucket oh i was all full from the pumpkin. Pumpkin bucket. Yeah. Well, dude, pizza bucket is at a place called Bujo's.

It's called Bojo's. Bujo's. Yeah. Which you were like, what's this? Yeah, dude. What's this savory meat cake? Yeah, you guys do it different up here. Yeah, we have big crust.

You got big crust with honey on it. You pay by the pound. You can add honey if you want to. And your pizza's different. Well, I mean, that's not a definitive pizza style. They call it the Colorado Mountain Pie because it's from the mountains and it's our only pizza chain that's known in Colorado. Kind of like you guys got Papa John's.

We're not Papa John's. Oh, is that Louisville? Yeah. Louisville. We're like La Rose's. La Rose's. And tell me what a Cincinnati pizza is. It has, what, like tiles on it or something?

It's got tiles. Tastes like roof. It's got tiles. It's got, well, you're thinking of the shingle pie. Right. And the chef just yells a racial slur into the dough before he pops it in the oven. Absolutely. He doesn't even know what he's saying.

He's like, oh, I can make six million of these real easy. And he winks. Yeah. And he winks and he squinks and he does his mustache. Yeah. And then that's the end of the commercial. commercial right then he goes down a warp tube yeah yeah um we know ours is just like uh medium style it's not medium it's not big really painting a picture it's not big thick deep dish detroit style okay and it's not thin new yorkie style it's right down

the middle of broadway it's just pizza peppers Peppers your hole, yeah. You're just eating pizza, and you're like, this is Cincinnati style. Look, it's a circle. We invented that. No, it's square. Oh, my God. It's square. What? You're eating square, normal pizza?

Mm-hmm. What's the fun in that? Then you've got all those bullshit slices in the middle. You get to laugh. You kiss your grandpa on the mouth. Are you cutting it in so everyone gets crust? Is it cut into four squares? No, they're center cuts.

Do you like the center cut? No, I like crust. I want crust too. That's what I'm saying. It's not good design. No, but the cool thing is the edges. You get these triangles.

Okay, this is the cool thing. Listen up, everyone. Finally a cool thing about the pizza in Cincinnati. You get the triangle and those are like the little crispy cracklins. I love the cracklins.

Yeah. Yeah. You would love the cracklins. I mean, I love pizza. You know that about me. Whether it's in a bucket or on a pan. It's in a bucket. Yeah. Whether. You would love the cracklings. I mean, I love pizza. You know that about me. Whether it's in a bucket or on a pan. It's in a bucket.

Yeah. Whether you're eating it out of a top hat. I couldn't believe the way you ate a pizza bucket. How did I do it? No, I mean, for your size, you don't eat like a disgusting human being. Yeah, I'm not like. Yeah. That's how, when I look at you, I would think you would.

That's what you hear in your head. I would think you would be much dirtier than you are, too. I'm not that dirty. Your house is really nice. Thank you. And it's clean. Yeah. It's not bad. It could be cleaner. No, it's clean. It's fine. I mean, you had a bunch of people in here. Yeah. God knows you got me sleeping over here, farting up the

joint. Yeah, if you're not that dirty, your feet smell. Yeah, dude, my feet are wet. Oh my god, I keep walking in there and going, barf! No. Yeah, I say it in my head. It's those shoes. They got wet last night. Oh, dude. I dipped them in a puddle of slime. Still tastes of home. Yeah. Right there on Colfax. I was like, bring it in my head. It's those shoes. They got wet last night. Oh, dude. I dipped them in a puddle of slime. Still tastes at home. Yeah.

Right there on Colfax. Bring me back, Danny. It's okay. I used to have terrible stink foot because I wouldn't wear socks. Oh, mine is because I think I wear too many socks. How many are you wearing at once? Two. You're double up?

One a foot. You're kidding. One a foot. A pair. So you're not wearing two socks on one foot. No. Some people do that because their feet don't fit in their shoe. So, well, this is what the guy at work says, Dan Friedman.

This is what Dan says. Do it in his voice. Okay, he goes, I go, why are you wearing two pairs of socks? It's fucking 99 degrees outside. He goes, it stops my feet from sweating. Now, listeners, that is a perfect Dan Friedman, by the way. And it's like, how putting two socks on makes your feet stop sweating? You fucking...

He doesn't know shoe technology. Malfeasant? Malfeasant? Yeah. All right, not bad. That a boy. He went in that bookstore. He tried on some boards.

It hurt. The back of my eye. The back of my eye stings. Yeah, your nose is bleeding. hurt the back of my eye the back of my eye stings your nose is bleeding uh friedman for all the folks at home works with ran at a uh what do you call it a cabaret no theater it is a comedy club comedy Cincinnati Ohio and it's called uh go bananas crazy kiwis comedy club go bananas comedy club yeah and is that now it's yellow the No, it's yellow. The banana. The banana? Uh-huh. Yeah. Okay.

Still yellow. All right. Yeah. All right. Well, let me tell you this. We don't really work up there. We cut the grass. Right.

We'll do general maintenance. Throw rocks at pigeons. One time, Marty ripped out a tree stump with his parents' Range Rover. That was pretty cool. It's a big day. I know. I mean, the thing... Was that Jeff Tate's wedding?

That was the gift. And the thing has been. No, I mean. Was that Jeff Tate's wedding? That was the gift. And that thing has been in the shop for four years. The truck? The Range Rover. Yeah. He ruined it? He fucking destroyed it. That was a gift from the Taiwanese royal family.

It was like a brand new Range Rover. And he was like, that's a work. And then he just put a hitch on it and it destroyed his parents' Range Rover. It's just been in the shop. Marty fucking rules, dude. Marty rules, dude. He's just been in the shop. Marty fucking rules, dude. Marty rules, dude. He's the greatest of all time. The first thing you ever told me about him was that legendary story of him eating secretly.

That's one of my favorites. I bet you've told it on your pod. No, I don't think I have. Why don't you regale the people? I really like talking about Marty. Why? Marty rocks. Marty's our boy.

Yeah, that's why he wouldn't like us talking about him. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, I don't want to tell any Marty rocks. Marty's our boy. Yeah, that's why he wouldn't like us talking about him. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, I don't want to tell any Marty stories. Yeah. We can edit that out.

No, we can't. Okay. We can't. I'll send this to my DJ. Oh, okay. I'll send it to Jazzy Jeff. I will say the one good thing about Marty, which he wouldn't care, because he recants this story now. If you don't know Marty, he's probably the nice,

one of the sweetest human beings I've ever met. And he runs probably my favorite club outside of Comedy Works in the country. Yeah, he fucking rules. It's in my special,

Go Bananas is there when I try to get the guy to give me a gun. Yeah, yeah. Marty is like, he's the sickest. He bought me a car so I can go on the road.

No one's arguing that Marty's cool. Marty rules. So I'm giving backstory. Okay. So the only thing you need's arguing that Marty's cool. Marty rules. So I'm giving backstory. Okay. So the only thing you need to know about Marty is that he loves any food with fat, salt, or butter in it. Yeah, he likes food. No.

He's not eating broccoli? He likes any food that is going to stop your heart. Okay. You know what I mean? Yeah. He's not a real sweets boy. No. He's a salt man.

Unlike you. Yeah, I got a tooth. Yeah. You have a tooth. You have a tooth. I have a tooth. The rest are acorns and chiseled down. He only likes his dog to be constantly cleaned and pampered by the spa that's on site. Okay.

And he likes nice things. He's a hoarder, but he likes nice things. All right. And so he's walking in with a bag of food one day to the bar when it's closed. I'm eating my lunch in there. I got my earbuds in. I'm the only person, only soul in the bar. Because they have a key to the bar, whatever. This is the bar across the street from the club. Next to the club.

Next to the club. And so there I am eating in the thing. I got my headphones in. I see the door open. Marty's walking in with a giant bag of food. Seven pounds of food. Middle of the day. He's walking in and I take my earbuds out and instead of just yelling something, because I was going to scare him. Yeah. I'm so glad I didn't. Make him spill his lasagna on the floor. Yeah, make him throw his French onion soup on the ceiling. Yeah, it's a hat. Yeah. It gets in the fan and spreads across the room. So Marty is a little Taiwanese guy, you got to know this about Marty.

And he puts his food up on the table. I'm just watching him. I'm like, he doesn't fucking see me. The dog doesn't see me. It's just him. And then he opens the bag of food. And he goes to himself. He goes, yum, yum.

And I laughed so hard. That scared him. He's like, I didn't see you. I'm like running out. He's like, meh, meh, meh. I'm like laughing. That scared him. He's like, I didn't see you. And like running out. He's like, eh, eh, eh. Like laughing. Dude, he rolls. He's the greatest human.

He's just always back there in that weird like hallway between like the club, the showroom, and the kitchen. He's always munching. Just dipping something and slurping it and then looking over at you and being like, ha, ha. All right, Marty. Keep it up. The greatest thing he's ever done in the club food-wise is we used to have these pizza ovens that were like little drawers. I think I saw those. Yeah, they're like, they're like, they're like little drawers with a grate with a handle. Yeah.

And you just pop it in and then it's like a toaster oven. I had your sidekick make me some wild shit in there one time. Yeah, yeah. You can make wild shit in there. What's his name? Beavers? Squibus. there one time. Yeah, yeah. You can make wild shit in there. What's his name? Beavers? Squibus. Squibus. Yeah, okay.

So those little drawers or whatever. So I was working the kitchen, and I was cleaning up, and I'm going to clean out the pizza ovens, and I'm pulling all the drawers out. And dude, I pulled out the middle drawer. Yeah. And I jumped back. I recoiled in horror. And what doth my eyes done see what

uh soft shell crab no just sitting on the tray marty's doing that marty's cooking a soft shell crab in there just raw dog raw dog not battered no it's battered okay no it was battered you can't so okay he battered a soft shell crab and tried to cook it in a pizza oven. So it was wet? Not only was it wet, it was... He didn't fry it. It was wet and somehow dry. It was the craziest thing I've ever seen. I don't like my sense of humor. It was so insane.

It didn't make any point. I thought when you open the drawer, you go to put a pizza in there, and Marty had stuck in the oven so that when you put the drawer in, it's his mouth. No, and you're just sliding a pizza directly into his mouth so he can chew it. A raw pizza. Yeah. Raw.

Yeah. Yeah, he's the Sarlacc Pit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You came out this morning and accused me of tromba-womba-ing. Yeah. You called me Heba the Ho.

Yeah, I did. What's his name? Jabba the Hut. Jabba the Man. Yeah. Yeah. You're like, oh, good morning. This is how you sound.

Wabba-gebo-wamba. Yeah, you do sound like that. I do not. Last night when I came and you were watching the town, you were wobble-wee-bow-bobble. I was, dude. You were like, gooba, gooba-gooba. I'd never seen the town, and I was watching it, and there was various moments when I was in here alone, because my dad made it about ten minutes into the town before he was like,

I'm going to hit the hay. He hates people from Boston. He does. Yeah. Uh-huh. Classically. So I was just sitting here and like something would happen. Something mundane. And I'd be like,

no way. Just to myself. Just fucking mystified. The one thing that's ever gotten a really high reaction out of me is Game of Thrones. Yeah. During the Battle of the Bastards. Okay. When Jon Snow's getting crunched up with everybody. Haven't seen it. And the camera aerial. I threw a

I threw a ice mountain little water splash in my face on my floor in my apartment. crunched up with everybody. I haven't seen it. And the camera aerial. I threw a, I threw a, a, a, a ice mountain little water splash in my face on my floor in my apartment.

By yourself? Damien, high anxiety. Whoa. He was like, he like couldn't breathe and I was like, whoa.

You had to bring yourself back. Yeah, like splash myself. Like I, like I was in round five. I was like, whoa. Cut me.

Yeah, cut me John. You like the ground. You were adamant about wanting to be on the ground for Monday Night Football. I like sitting on the ground. Well, yeah, but maybe when people are, you know, like, we don't really know this guy. Who's people? My sister, my brother-in-law, my dad.

You said people? I said people. I didn't mean people. You said people. I didn't meet people. Yeah. Yeah. You met people.

Your brother and her fiance and Papa T's in the nice chair. Yeah. And then they're on the worst chair or he broke the legs off that chair that chair does rock or he plopped in that chair and snapped the legs off like toothpicks it's like a horse on ice yeah it's like he accidentally like he was too eager to eat a club sandwich and he chewed through it and then he was like what and i was like well that was a 120 chair and he's like guh and guh? And I'm like, all right, fair point. He's like, guh. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, I didn't want to sit up there with, you know, I don't know, you could fly into a lover's quarrel during a football game. Yeah, you don't want to get caught in the middle. There's fantasy football implications. I'm out of that loop. I want to take my hat off. I want to let my hair down.

I want to sit on the floor. Get on the ground. I sit on the floor at home. You know, we have a song in my family about being on the ground. What's that called? I'm on the ground, home. You know, we have a song in my family about being on the ground. What's that called? I'm on the ground, yeah. It's nice. Baby, I'm on the ground.

Is that real? Rolling around, yeah. Baby, I'm on the ground. Yeah, we sing it a lot because in my first house in Fort Collins, we didn't have couches immediately. So it was a lot of ground parties, a lot of carpet crawling. Oh, you had carpet. We had carpet. Yeah, you're on the hardwood.

I like that. Sitting on your big old wallet and all your belt buckles and chains. My wallet's in my front pocket. You got a chain wallet. I got a chain wallet that goes only to my front pocket. Yeah, it goes from your nose ring. Short chain. Yeah. Yeah, I can't.

I can't. I got to smell my worth of money in it. I wish you had a chain wallet. Yeah, well, they'll come back. You have a cool watch. Yeah, you hooked me up. Yeah, fake Rolex. Fake Rolex.

Got the links to it. It looks really cool on you. Well, maybe not. No, it really does. It's cool because you got this whole, like, you know, dirtbag stink troll thing going on. Stink troll? Yeah, exactly.

What the hell is that supposed to mean? Like you're under a bridge and instead of riddles, you ask for smells to set your undies down. Yeah. Yeah. But then you have this Rolex on. Yeah. It's cool.

It's fake. If you turn to New Leaf, you're going to get so much fucking poontango. That's not what I want in my life. You're going to get so much Mingo. You know what I want? I want to be left alone by the Mingo. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

You don't want to be haunted by Mingo? No, I just want to sit on the floor and watch a show. Sure. Yeah. Watch a football game you already know the score to. Yeah. I don't know what happened. Yeah, I know. to sit on the floor and watch a show. Sure. Watch a football game. You already know the score, too. Yeah. I don't know what happened. Yeah, I know.

I know they were wearing green shoes. I'll look at shoes. I'll watch that. I just want to sit on the floor and be left to my own devices. I understand. I want to be a lonely man. My sister, I'm surprised she let you get away with being on the ground without, like, you know, spitting on you or throwing, like, olive pits at you.

I know. And it's cool i mean she likes you my sister's very picky huh yeah she's nice to me she likes to blast i like being blasted yeah i know but like right away four hours in you're getting blasted by a stranger i can play it i can i can spin the victim yeah you know what i mean ella playing spin the victim i could be like how dare you you get a drifter how dare you miss You get a drifter, a bunch of teenagers. How dare you, man? We just met. Yeah. Ma'am? Ma'am. Whoa! That's my gun ring. Holy shit. Yeah. You do that often? No, I didn't mean to. Wow. I wish you would have shattered that glass. It would have made you walk through it. Yeah, Bruce Willis. Yeah.

I'm throwing up. What do you do out here? This. Yeah. I just have people over. It's sick. I mean, it's a lot of reading. I haven't been reading while you're here as a sign of respect because I know you can't. I can.

Yeah. I saw you with that soup can. It was upside down. I put it in the microhave. I don't know what it's called. Yeah. You can't read the name. Yeah.

No, yeah. I don't know, dude. It's a really quiet life. I like when you watch The Town. Yeah, The Town. That was so hot. I want to see you watch a trilogy. Oh, what are we going, dude. It's a really quiet life. I like when you watch The Town. Yeah, The Town. That was so high. I want to see you watch a trilogy. Oh, what are we going to watch?

Let's watch The Hobbit. Have I seen The Hobbit? I don't think I've seen The Hobbit. Watch a full trilogy? Yeah, nine hours of movie. Yeah. Yeah, start to finish. Go try to do a stand-up after a trilogy and a milkshake.

I can't be high anymore. Yeah. Yeah, it was crazy because I got high in here. Yeah, I talked out on this thing. Yeah? Yeah, I think when I hit a vape pen, I get high initially for about 20 minutes. And then I'm chasing the dragon the rest of the way. Yeah.

Did I ruin that? No, not at all. I'm kidding. It wasn't my fault. You didn't do anything wrong. Fallon pissed me off. Well, Fallon was like looking into the mouth of the sun. Yeah.

It was crazy. Yeah. It's like, you're into the mouth of the sun. Yeah. It was crazy. Yeah. It's like, you're going to walk up on us? Yeah. Us fucking beer-battered disco biscuits? You know what we're into? Yeah. Fighting.

Right. Yeah. Having the lights off. Beat you up, guy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it was fun to be stoned and watch the town. I can't get enough of it.

I might do it again tonight. Watch the town again? Yeah. You've got to find another one you've never seen. What am I going to watch this time? Star War? No, don't watch Star War. I've enough of it. I might do it again tonight. Watch the town again? Yeah. You've got to find another one you've never seen. What am I going to watch this time? Star War? No, don't watch Star War. I've never seen it.

See, because I tried to get high and watch Dune the other night. Yeah, I fell asleep right away. You fell asleep immediately. It's too serious. Uh-huh. And it kept, because your TV, now we had the lights to blackness. We did. And that made me fall asleep.

Big travel day for both of us. But I woke up every single time. I didn't realize Dune has a lot of... Yeah, it's a lot of throat singing. It's very tube and soundtrack. It's like a big team monk style. Yeah. It's like...

Even their blades are like... Dude, it woke me up constantly. Have you ever heard me do the didgeridoo noise? No. Whoa, there's a weird whoa-whoa. I don't like how your eyes are going. Yeah. Yeah, you're trying to hypnotize me.

It just rolls back in my head. You're going to crawl in my mouth. That's good, too. Whoa, duet. Ready? Yeah, dude. Whoa, duet. Ready? Yeah, ready? I only do it for two seconds.

Yeah. It takes a lot of breath. And at this altitude... Rain just passed out. Yeah. At this dude, dude, I can't do the wee-wals. You're a rude dude at high altitude. Mm-hmm. You should open with that tonight.

I'm gonna. I'm gonna say hey gang that's how I always open. I say a little bit about me and then I don't say anything about me. And then I go

man I heard I heard you get wasted off two beers up here because of the air. I can't do that. Can't have me

walking around going hey what's up man I wanna fuck my dad. And then you do the... And then I'm like... You pick up a lamp and smash it. And then you take your shirt off,

roll in the glass. And you rock and roll horns. Yeah. Dude, I've told it on my pod before, but I was at a Weezer concert with my dad in Lund, and there was a guy when Weezer was on throwing up these ones.

For 45 minutes. Yeah. Just the whole time at Weezer and losing it. It was the funniest thing I've ever seen. It's like,

do the sweater song! Yeah, they opened with it so he was bummed. Damn, that rocks. Yeah. Yeah, they peaked right away. I'd like to see them do two songs live

and then leave. Yeah, that'd be good. If I could, please. Pixies opened. That was pretty cool. Did they do the Fight then leave? Yeah, that'd be good. If I could, please. Pixies opened. That was pretty cool. Did they do the Fight Club song? Yeah, of course. I just went to Foo Fighters.

What do you think about them? You know, I think if you're out there having fun in the world, it's good for everyone involved. It was actually fun. Yeah, but it was. Because I don't know about the Foo Fighters. Where did you see them? The Bengals Stadium? Syracuse.

New York? Yeah. Where did they play? The Orangeman Stadium? No, they played at their big outdoor amphitheater. Now, how did you get tickets to that? Chad Daniels? Yeah Where'd they play? The Orangeman Stadium? No they played At their big outdoor amphitheater Now how did you get To use to that? Chad Daniels?

Yeah Yeah Okay We were close We could smell him And it was a good show Yeah It was a fucking good show

I bet Big girl called everybody Motherfucker about 32 times Yeah I bet Well he's gotta be tough He's getting sued I think he was just doing it Is he getting sued?

Yeah For what? The nude baby they put on the cover Of Never mind he's getting sued for that yeah they're all getting sued by that baby the baby is an adult now yeah he didn't know that's how time works i knew that yeah you were asking i was the baby is an adult now correct yeah hold on the baby's a lawyer now yeah so hold on the baby's a grown-up yeah the baby's a lawyer? The baby's grown up now. Yeah. So hold on. The baby's grown up. Yeah. The baby's grown. Little boy, big boy?

Is he still naked? Yeah, he's still naked. Your Honor? This is me. His penis hasn't grown. He's pubeless. He's pubeless, toothless, hairless. So wait, that guy's suing him for what?

For putting a, for like child pornography or something. Shouldn't he sue his parents? Mm-mm. They didn't just find, okay, that baby wasn't crawling down the street and Dave Grohl picked it up

and threw it in a pool. No, Kurt Cobain did. Okay. Yeah. That's why he killed himself. Yeah, exactly. Okay. What have I done?

Yeah. What have I done? Yeah. So wait a second. This baby's suing for what? Clothes. Oh. Yeah.

He's suing for clothes and dryness. Yeah. He wants a towel. He wants a big tee. He wants a new diap and dryness Yeah He wants a towel He wants a big tee He wants a new diapy Yeah He wants a new diapy

Yeah Unbelievable this baby suing I can't believe it either What kind of world Not the one I want to live in Dude Bang So thank you for listening to Rumble Lips

Dude I mean You can't be a baby in suing No you can be an adult who was a baby Did they ever catch you got your, John Bernay Ramsey? I don't think so. Speaking of babies we should sue. Yeah.

Who's this guy that did that? Well, they think that it's the brother. But I have a friend whose girlfriend was best friends. This happened up here. This happened in Boulder, Colorado, about an hour south of here. Can we go to the house? You can go to the house. I won't be going.

On a tour? I'm not allowed. Why? They hung up a sign. Well, what if we get a big trench coat and I sit on your shoulders? Because I say, I have a sign that I did it. We'd be nine foot tall. It was me.

Yeah. You can see my face in the bottom of the trench coat. You thought a sign was coming out of the body of the trench coat? Yeah, your Yeezys are kicking around. Yeah. Those are my shoulders. Yep. Now, a friend of mine's girlfriend was a beauty pageant queen with JonBenet.

Wow. And she says that she doesn't think it was the brother. She thinks that it was someone who, like, was working on the house. Like, some, like, workman came in and did it. Oh, classic hook and crook. Yeah, exactly. The old whoopsie daisy. Yeah.

The old whoopsie daisy killer daisy. The Cincinnati Reaper wheel. Yeah, that's not what it's called. It is, too. Yeah. That's what you guys call pizzas.isy. Yeah. The old whoopsie daisy killer daisy. The Cincinnati Reaper wheel. Yeah, that's not what it's called. It is, too. Yeah. That's what you guys call pizzas. Yeah. Yeah.

The wheel. Yeah, the Reaper wheel. Yeah, me and Marty's like, yum, yum. Yeah. Now, do you want to give a shout out to any of your friends back in Cincy? Let's name them off. You got Lee Kimbrell. Love them.

You got Andrew Rudick. Love them. You got Skeet Matterly. Skeet Matterly. Uh-huh. Animagdom. Animazum. Love them. Uh-huh. Yeah. Blake Ham Matterly. Skeet Matterly. Uh-huh. Animagdom. Animazza. Love him.

Uh-huh. Yeah. Blake Hamhock. Blake Hamhock. Blake, don't leave me alone with your Hammond. Yeah. Blake, don't leave me alone with a Mountain Dew Code Red. You got Tempa Tantrum.

He's down there. I got Comedian He Hungy. Yeah. We decided. Rand said that if he was an African American comedian, as their one to have a stage name, maybe not even, just a comedian,

your stage name would be He Hungy. Yeah, He Hungy. And mine would be Tempa Tantra. Yeah, Tempa Tantra. Yeah. Which you come out and say, who made me mad? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I wear my money now. Yeah. And then come out and I say, ooh, He Hungy. After every punchline yeah i talk about riding the bus a lot who hungy yeah me hungy yeah and then when i get off stage i get off stage to

like a a really loud trap song yeah yeah we were trying to figure out what song i was going to come on stage to for the tim dillon tour and i decided none really yeah i'm not i'm just gonna let him introduce me over the god mic and then i'll come out. You're going to come out to silence? Yeah. Well, no, I'll come out to like a Yeah, it's empty! The mountain pig rides again! Do they have a recording of that? They can play it with the speakers? No, it'll be the crowd doing it live. It's a mountain hog. You're not a pig.

Thank you. That's the nicest thing anyone's said to me in a while. Pigs are ugly. Hogs are cool and fast. And young. You're really trying to put some guilt on this lily. They got tusks. Yeah, they got And young. You're really trying to put some gild on this lily. They got tusks. Yeah, they got tusks. You don't want to be a pig.

They got human teeth. Yeah, but if pigs are left alone for like three days, they grow tusks. I know what it should be. It's a long way to the top if you want to rock and roll. You come out to that. Yeah. On a motor scooter. Come out to Crazy Bitch by Buck Jerry.

No. Come out to Like a Stone by Soundgarden. I'm going to come out to some Shinedown shit. What is that? You know, shining down like a brown sun. They say that? Dying star, I'm a son of a gun. We all shine down when we're on the town.

Who is that? I'm a crazy clown and I'm getting around. No. I'm a crazy clown and I'm getting around? No. That's a fucking real song. It was a radio hit. I'm a crazy clown and I'm getting around.

Yeah, and they were actually contemporaries with Crazy Town. So it was tough when they'd go on. Oh, the Butterfly Men? Yeah, the Butterfly Men. Sugar Babies. Yeah, Sugar Babies. I don't like him. Sugar Babies?

Shifty Showshock? I don't either, dude. That's his name? They were like a poor man's 311. He's from up here. Where? Shifty Showshock? He's not from Fort Collins.

He's your neighbor. Oh, yeah? He's the Apple Man? There he is. Yeah, Shifty. Shifty. He's trimming his bushes. You can't come in.

You've had too many warnings. So, we're having fun, as you can hear on the pod here. But there have been some serious concerns we've been discussing. Uh-oh. Remember? No. I don't either. High voltage?

Yeah. Long way to the top. Oh, a boy named Fallon? Fallon was good. We just had so many fun adventures. And tonight you're going downtown to do the world famous Comedy Works. You're doing a hot five. And this is a real make or break.

There's a lot of industry in the room. I doubt that. There is. A lot of pipe fitters. Oh, okay. And they want to put you in a pipe to block up all the people. These are my people. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. I do well in front of pipe fitters and offshore drillers. Right, yeah. That is more my... Merchant marines. Merchant marines. Hay tasters. Hay tasters. Hay tasters.

I come from a long line of hay tasters. Pumpkin johnnies. Yeah. Yeah. I wish I could... I got a bunch of cool pumpkins in the house from that adventure. I wish you could have been with us. Someone probably would have picked you from the patch.

Yeah, well, I was wearing an orange hoodie and I was smiling real weird. So I almost greeted you this morning with a pretty cool outfit, but I'll save it for tomorrow. Oh, no. Yeah. I was smiling real weird. So I almost greeted you this morning with a pretty cool outfit, but I'll save it for tomorrow. Oh, no. I don't like surprises. I got a cool, cool outfit that's going to blow your mind. I don't like surprises. Well, you want to talk about how you look really cute in your new coat? I do.

Yeah. That was cool. Thank you for talking me into that. I wouldn't have had the stones to pull the trigger on that sick jacket. All the lipsters know that I'm a big jacket guy. Oh, yeah. I mean, I know that about you. Yeah, I'm a big jacket guy.

I can pick out a jacket for one of the boys. They are pretty big jackets. Yeah. I mean, it's pretty cool that you have a sense of style. Barely. When you look... You ever read The Onion? What's that about leaks?

What is it? It's like... Oh, the funny thing. Yeah, the funny paper. Right, the funny paper. Yeah. Yeah. Do you guys... Do you remember that guy, Jim, who would have the photo of the Jim guy?

Let me look him up. Vamp. Hello. Welcome to fall. I'm Trinity James. Today's fall report, Fort Collins, Colorado, windy. This isn't even worth it. Secondly, Appleman, seen on street sobbing into a Macintosh.

Anchower. Yeah, that's his name. You look like Jim Anchower. What's that mean? Dude, if he's a big fat idiot, I'm going to fucking fly off the handle. He's not a big fat idiot. This guy. That guy's an idiot.

No, he's not. He's really smart. Look, he's all high on paint. That's not smart to be high on paint. He's smart enough to get some paint. What's wrong with that guy? It's just a funny editorial they would put in The Onion. Well, what's his deal?

You know, he's always complaining about how gas doesn't smell the same as it used to. That kind of stuff. But you're like a cool guy. Is that true? Don't do that. I'm serious. Don't say, you're like a cool guy. Well, you are.

That's not your voice. That's how I sound? Yeah. That's how you just sounded. You're like a cool guy. Well, you are. That's how I sound. Yeah, that's how you just sounded. You're like a cool guy. Yeah. You're cool. We're just vibing.

Dude, I want to talk to you that I just noticed. You've got cool sideburns going on. Well, they're gray. How long is it? That's sick. These are chopped. I wish I had gray. This is chopped for kids.

I wish I had gray. Dude, how do you do that? What do you mean? Grow them gray? No, how do you make them look so little and then now you're puffing them out like a Johnny? Well, I don't let anyone know how robust they are on paper. Uh-oh, shit, Amber Alert. Sophia and Bethany are missing?

Uh-oh. They caught you. I gotta go. They're in the window. Breaking glass. Dude, when did you do that? Well, I don't ever really pop them out. Man, when they're popped, they're ready.

But then I can pull them down like this. Man, you look like you own horses. Oh, yeah. You're not a horse. No? You look like you own horses. Bye, man. I'm not allowed on horses.

Why? Break their backs? No, because we combine too much. We're, like, too powerful. Wait, are you allowed to ride a horse? In certain states. Circles. Yeah, I can ride it in a circle.

Yeah. It's tethered to the ground around a pole. Do horses have a limit? You have to ride big horses. I ride a Clydesdale. Yeah, you are what you eat. You couldn't ride a pony. You eat horse?

I mean, I would. What are you, Dutch? God, I wish I was a Dutch. Dude, I could probably ride a horse still. You could ride a horse. You would hate it and you would spaz and you'd be like, Oh, God! Get me off this thing!

Oh, crap! I used to have a horse. Crap, dudes! I used to have a horse. You had a horse. You would hate it and you would spasm and you'd be like, Oh God! No, I'm not. Get me off this thing! Oh crap! I used to have a horse. Crap dudes! I used to have a horse. You had a horse. I wouldn't say crap dudes. You didn't. You'd never had a horse.

Chavez. Please quit lying to me. I had a horse. You had a horse. Yeah. Chavez. Okay. Chavez.

I'll give you enough rope. Tell me more. He was 13 years old. Why did you have a horse? My dad got it. You grew up in Mutton Bottom, Cincinnati, Ohio. My dad, well, when my parents got divorced, my dad moved way out into rural Ohio. Now, tell the kids at home where he lived.

He lived in Germantown, rural Ohio. I love Germantown. He lived out there. I'd go out there for the plum festival. And we would go out there. We would go out. Yeah, the plum festival was pretty popular. And people would mash it up, drink plum wine, you smack somebody around.

You got that Apple Man's brother out there being like, just take me, Dad. Doing the Apple Man swing. Yeah, he's the plum man. Yeah, from a rope. Yeah. He's like, my brother does apples in Colorado. I'm glad I met him. My dad went out there and he used to go to all these auctions.

And when he would get us every other weekend, we would go with him. You and Tony. Me and Anthony. Yeah. We would go with him. You and Tony. Me and Anthony. We would go with my cousin Mike. You've seen him bald in that picture. I did. I didn't believe he was a human being. Disney Plus is streaming live soon.

That's from my podcast. He'll get it. We're not putting this out for you. Okay. Yeah. Did Mike listen? Yeah, Mike listens. Mike, you look good in that picture.

Yeah, okay. You already said something very disparaging about him not looking like a human. I did not. He looks like a human. He looks like if you put a face paint on a thumb. If you grew a pinky mouse up to be a person. Exactly, yeah. So Mike's out there, and he's handsome, and he's wild, and he's free.

And we're all at this Amish auction. Now, they all dress like Darth Maul. For sure. I know about them. And so we're out there, and we're sitting amongst the Jedi's in our starter jackets. You know, I'm like 12. And all of a sudden, this horse comes out. I was afraid of horses, because me and my dad got bucked off of a horse.

At the same time? Yeah. When I was a little kid. When I was like eight years old, my dad had a horse. Like in summer of 62. And maybe. And I was on the i was on the back and we were riding through a field my dad kicked his leg up too fast this horse freaked and threw us both damn i always was kind of scared of the power of an animal sure i never looked like to

look into an eye of a beast yeah so uh then there's this horse's little girls running underneath it giving a penguin thumps you know yeah and finally the auction started and it was uh 75 your dad got a 75 horse for this 13 year old horse and i was turning 13 and so he bought it for me and boarded it at this barn that he would like work out on the weekends and i and i got to run around a couple times you know how what i don't know what happened i think you don't know what happened to chavez chavez now i don't know why was it named chavez i don't know what happened. You don't know what happened to Chavez? Chavez, no, I don't know. Why was it named Chavez? I don't know. Because of its communist leanings? I didn't name it.

Okay. I didn't name it. It just came with a name. Came with a name. Came with a name. 13-year-old, pre-named horse. Yeah. Your dad was like, this will win you back.

Just like a brown thing. It didn't. No. He still owes me a bunch of Christmas presents. Yeah, you guys are distant. We don't need to talk about that. I'll talk to him in a couple of summer Olympics. Sure. When he comes around. That one really cracked my dad up. Yeah. When he said that. I'll talk to him in a couple of summer Olympics. Sure.

That one really cracked my dad up. Yeah. When he said that. I like that. One of your go-to lines. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's cool you had a horse.

Now, I don't know what to do with that information. I can't fit that into the blueprint I have. I was saying I could ride a horse. You could. Yeah. I mean, how many go-arounds did you have an old chav? Maybe 10, 12. 10 or 12?

Yeah. That's not bad. Who bought it? I imprinted. What did your dad feed the horse? Meat. Grippos? Grippos.

Cincinnati Reaper wheels. Yeah. A couple of Reaper wheels. Grippos. Some tin cans. Apples from a sad man's yard. Right. Yeah.

If Chavez could come to town for just a night. He'd be alive again. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he'd bring him back Yeah that guy would Take the gun out of his mouth People used to say People

A lot of people around town Too many people Around town about Chavez Used to say No one's got him in a canter In years Well I got him in a canter I got Chavez in an open field

In a canter When lightning strike What's a canter? The full run Oh You think I know horse verbiage? You should if you want to be the Clydesdale. That's why you're the hog.

I don't want to be. That's why you're the hog. It's my birth curse. You know all the hog terms. Yeah, I do. Mowing, tusking. Rutting, sniffing. Rutting.

Yeah. Yeah. Stye. Yep. Yeah. Slop. Slop. Slop.

Troth. Troth. Slop. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I should have gotten instead of a pizza bucket. Yeah. Slop troth. Slop troth. Troth. Slop. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I should have gotten instead of a pizza bucket. Yeah. Slop troth.

Slop troth. Yeah. Pizza troth. Yeah. That's a step up. I would love that. You can do a belly slide through this. You can hop in there?

Yeah, you can. Yeah. It's like the urinal at the games. Yeah. Well, I was thinking about the gay bar. Oh. You know about the piss pig? No.

There's a guy, there was a... Oh, they sit in a bathtub and you pee on him for nickels. Or they just get in the urinal. Oh, get in the urinal? Yeah, like at the bar. The guys drink, it's like a beer bust. There was a bar in Denver called The Wrangler. It was a bear bar.

And there was a piss pig in there. And like during the beer bust, they had like dollar pitcher nights at The Wrangler. And all these like big fat gay dudes would pound beer. And then there's this like little cousin Mike pretty much would be in the trough. He'd be in there getting pissed off. Oh, it's down. Damn. Yeah, I know. My cousin Mike might be a, would be in the trot. He'd be in there getting pissed off. Oh, it's down. Damn. Yeah, I know.

My cousin Mike might be a piss pig. Why not? We could teach him. Yeah, Disney Plus. Disney Plus is streaming live. Trot. Here's the first one. Okay.

Trot. That's when you're bouncing around and you're hitting your jubblies. And what about just a walk? That's called a walk. There's a walk. There's a trot. Okay. There's a gallop.

All right. There's a canter. Okay. And there's one more. That one called a walk. There's a walk. There's a trot. Okay. There's a gallop. All right. There's a canter. Okay. And there's one more. That one's full tilt. You've got to be a real horse master to get one. Like a Comanche. Yeah, yeah.

He's trying to get away. Yeah, Gordy's here. I try to embrace him. Because the trot's the bouncy one, and then the gallop is the bouncy fast one. But the canter is like full strides where you're not bouncing you're just one with the animal i think it's also a jewish oral tradition that's a decanter no decanter is what you put wine in i don't think so yes it is you decant wine and then a canter is someone who speaks at a jewish funeral gordy look it up that's a recanter no no

a recanter is when you pour from the decanter back in the wine bottle. I think recanting is when you... Recant's like a, I take it back. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. So we've covered all the different types of cant.

I can't wait to hear more. I can't wait till the zents. Well, we got three minutes left. Okay. I'm going to end strong. Here we go. End strong to take you on. Shine down, you crazy clown

I usually end a Rumble Lips with a rant About something I don't like I didn't like those tumbleweeds They were scaly Well first of all I thought it was an animal You know I'm driving a new car To me Not to the world

There's no front plate I wish you would have told me that before I shit my pants Every time I drove past a cop. It's okay. How fast are you fucking canting? Two,

three hundred miles an hour. Holy shit. I went a good clip. Okay. Seventy. Sure, that's not bad.

Normal. Classic man speed. I go five over. So 65, I go 70. Yeah. 75, I go 90.

Some of those, there's some 75s out there. I don't think on the way to Denver it was. You don't know shit. I didn't look. I didn. There's some 75s out there. I don't think on the way to Denver. You don't know shit. I didn't look. I didn't look. I was too busy texting.

Oh, tumbleweed. Yeah, no. So I was driving, and then I see this fucking, in the darkness. I'm not attuned to these high plains highways. Right. You know what I mean? I don't know about that. You called Barb.

You're like, there's a grass ghost, Mommy. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I said yeah i said mommy the weeds are coming out she's like i'm sleeping yeah yeah she smokes yeah i'm taking a nap i gotta watch cousin mike yeah he's sick again he's been in the trot yeah he's pissing yeah he's got the shakes it's like being cum drunk he's got the shake he hasn't been pissed on in a week. She's just in there drinking Co-Red, trying to get a bachelorette.

Barbie B would never. What'd she drink? Water only. Only water? Black coffee. Interesting. Some tea. Okay.

Yeah. Losing it. Barbie's been keto. Barbie's been damn paleo and keto for 25 years. So why were you blown away when I got a pizza bucket? Barb's just crunching pizza buckets all the time. Barb would never eat a pizza bucket. Oh, you're lying.

Never. What? No. What if I ordered her one? No. That'd be rude. Barbie likes a vegetable. Barbie likes a vegetable and a meat.

Classic style. Okay. She eats like a pilgrim. No starch? No. She's Plymouth Rocking it? She's Plymouth Rocking it. All right.

In the kitchen. Sure. She'll make a chicken. She'll make a vegetable. She eats a whole chicken? Bones and She's Plymouth Rocking it. All right. In the kitchen. Sure. And she'll make a chicken. She'll make a vegetable. She eats a whole chicken? Bones and all? She eats a whole chicken, bones and all. Whoa.

Unhinges the jaw. Barbie the Bone Goblin. Yeah. She eats a chicken and like a nice... Asparagus. Yes. Yeah. Cauliflower.

Loves cauliflower. She'll eat cauliflower rice. That's it. I'll eat it too. But that's it. I got it in bags in the freezer. Cauliflower rice? Uh-huh. Well, let's throw some on the floor. Let'll eat cauliflower rice. That's it. I'll eat it too. But that's it. I got it in bags in the freezer. Cauliflower rice? Uh-huh.

Well, let's throw some on the floor. Let's have a fight. Remind you at home. Yeah. Make your mom jealous. Yeah, that's right. So, I want to meet Barb. I will one day.

You will. I will eventually replace you, wear all your clothes, trick her. Until then, anything you want to plug for my listeners? No. Okay. Just follow me on Instagram good work follow me on Instagram a whole hour for nothing

if people this trash episode well if you don't if you want to listen to me without Sam why would you right yeah

I have a podcast by myself called Rumble Lips uh huh um I have a I have a little mixtape on Spotify for free if you like stand up comedy you can listen to my mixtape.

And I will say this without any hyperbole. Probably my top five dudes. Oh, thank you. You're so funny. You as well. Yeah, I know. I'm the best. You didn't have to say that.

Everyone knows that already. But I'm allowed to say it if you get to say something nice about me. Well, I'll tell you what you're allowed to say. Top five brain. Top five dudes. Thanks, man. Listeners, I will be in

Denver Comedy Works this Friday. Denver Comedy Underground on Saturday. You can see Rand at the Denver Comedy Lounge Friday and Saturday. He's headlining down there

at the Saki Bar at like 38th and Wine Coop, I think. It's in Rhino. Look up Denver Comedy Lounge. He's very funny. You can see me. I'm opening for tim dylan

uh november 4th 5th 6th 7th uh i mean i'm sure those are sold i don't know i'm trying to fucking help sell tickets for tim dylan yeah yeah it doesn't matter yeah that was that was a brag yeah and you know what good for you thanks man fuck selling the show just say you get to do something cool well i'm doing some cool stuff dude Dude, yeah. I'm hosting for Dave Attell at Helium. Yeah, you are. Do you have any Indianapolis listeners? I'm in Indianapolis on Wednesday. We do.

Yeah, we've got a bunch of Indianapolis listeners. Okay. You're there on Wednesday? Yeah, I'm at the huge theater in Indy, November 4th. Damn. Yeah. I'll be in Indy November 4th. Really?

Yeah. Is that on Wednesday? I'm featuring for Louis Katz the night before the Attell shows. Well, we can probably hang out.

Yeah, let's hang out. No Louis. Okay. I'm kidding. I like Louis. I've never met him. Oh, he's a great guy. He's also,

I heard he's very funny for my friend Andrew Polk. He was just in New Orleans and Polk said he was killing it. So yeah, go see Ran at the Helium Comedy Club November 4th. Go see Dave Attell. I'm just in New Orleans and Polk said he was killing it. So yeah, go see Ran at the Helium Comedy Club

November 4th. Go see Dave Attell. I'm just on the show. Yeah, you're on the show. Ian Fidance will be there. No. No?

Just Louis Katz, me and Dave. Louis featuring? Yeah. So who are you going to get a thumb in the ass from? Dave. Fidance likes that.

He likes to say, let's go hitchhiking. Oh, okay. Damn, I've never met that guy. Oh, yeah,

I have. He rules. Okay. He's funny. I only saw him do stand-up. Now, usually we say hitchhiking. Oh, okay. Damn, I've never met that guy. Oh, yeah, I have. He rules. Okay, he's funny. I only saw him do stand-up. Now, usually we say a prayer at the end. Okay. Okay, go ahead. Dear sweet Lord Jesus, please.

Well, let's not put a denomination on it. Okay, dear, dear God above. Okay, you don't know if he's above? Excuse me, you don't know if they're above. Dear omnipresent microphone God, please help us in our journeys and our travels and help us get better at stand-up comedy some of us need it and uh please please why are you staring at me because i wanted to see how much you would struggle no i'm closing my thighs listen to this oh my god

the smell that'll do it so what do I do now? Just hit stop? Daddy Clay Yeah. Daddy Brad Where? Daddy Clay Hit Junior Stop Gun. Right there.