Chubby Behemoth - Pizza Rat Returns

Episode Date: August 2, 2021

Hellmouth. Cameo Appearance. Ewing Jersey Over It.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   This is last weeks free Episode, we will break off another free one this week. - Becker

Becky has the hickeys. God damn, dude. So bad. I can't get rid of them. What is a matter with you? I don't know. You are being punished for your sins. This is what you get for fornicating without a condom or consent.

This is what you're doing. I wore a condom. I swear. This is God's wrath right there in your diaphragm. God's not punishing me with hiccups. Yes, he is, swear. This is God's wrath, right there in your diaphragm. God's not punishing me with hiccups. Yes, he is, dude. This is a very biblical punishment. You should know about this.

This is a classic biblical punishment? Yeah, this is one of God's oldest pranks. How long have you had them? The wrath of hiccups? Like, shit, like eight, nine minutes. You think it's because you're wearing a v-neck shirt and you look stupid i think it's this is my lounging clothes sir uh it's because uh you got a haircut on sunday you spent money i have not it's so long is it because you allowed

a homosexual to touch your head uh it's uh i chugged a bubbly water because i didn't have any ice water and i was being an idiot thought that was a good idea you were trying to impress some bigger boys by chugging bubble water huh yeah told him i could get it all down and now here i am hiccuping like a goddamn drunk mouse you were hanging out at the skate shop and there were some cool teens and you were like hey, you guys ever seen a guy drink a 16 ounce of Perrier? God damn it.

This is not tenable. I'm gonna mute myself. You keep talking to him, so I think that's part of the problem. I want him to feel included. I'm trying to get it off of his mind. He needs to mute and hold his breath. That's the only thing that ever works is holding your breath i'm surprised me and nathan's faces didn't scare them

out of you oh i got something that would scare you this fucking growth in between my dick and my thigh oh my god what it's awful that's my big And Sam, I know you have some type of middling bullshit that you are excited to talk about. No, no. Let's keep it pure. Well, Becker and I have some shit going on as well. Becker's got the hiccups, and I have a hell mouth on my leg. I knew you guys would try and one-up me. I knew you couldn't let me have a victory.

You are one-upped. Becker's faking hiccups. I got this gross thing. I sent pictures to Emily. She blocked me. Oh, shit. Is that why she threw her phone in the trash compactor? Well, I didn't black out my dick,

so I think it was a real one-two punch. Oh, she was like, Lund's face looks different. Lund's nose looks weird. uh yeah this thing is gross it stinks uh it stinks becker unmute yourself i want to hear the noises okay but okay lun so let's say your dick is where most people's dicks are and your balls are right below it. What's going on? Just in the crease of skin, of humanity. Where the leg hits the grundle.

Yeah, where briefs would cut in if you wore briefs. Yeah, if they could find underwear. If science had a pair, that would work for you. I've been there. Yeah, I wore briefs for a while and then and then settled on boxer briefs and uh yeah it's just it's just bad down there it's gross weird looking uh it's a whole there's a bunch of blood underneath my skin pooling that i can't get out so you know you can't you can't free the blood uh stuff comes

out but not i can't get all of it like i can't uh i can't squeeze in the right way to uh get everything out so it's just you know a mass of blood and something else probably and it stinks uh yeah i mean it doesn't smell good that's for sure oh yeah i bet that's an understatement it's not floral yeah it's not like lavender lemonade so yeah it's uh our 20 patrons will uh get a picture in the mail they'll get a sample yeah a petulant sample of lun's mass i'll squeeze and then i'll wipe my fingers on a a slide and then i'll trap it with another slide you're really pissing me off man oh you want to get back to hiccup talk huh you were fascinated with

somebody having the hiccups like trying to do a deep dive you're like all right we got our episode hiccup watch minute 10 well usually becker's like perfect you know he's like the glowing example of manhood he had covet he did have covet and only he had it you had it too i'm the only perfect angel over here yeah right your leg has a pussy on it i'm gonna come out yeah that's right i'm gonna come down there and fill you up that'd be cool for our hundred dollar patrons i just come down there and fuck your wound oh god i like your hiccups becker yeah i think the wound talk got rid of my hiccups honestly

yeah see you're welcome yeah i have had i think a very similar lump on my leg i get them from time to time and uh the trick is to just kind of like ignore them of course it is i know that's the answer but i can't just ignore it i can't leave it be it's right there it hurts it's annoying i want to expedite the process by trying to uh get rid of the evil that's underneath you know the surface and then that does make it worse of course have you taken a have you taken a blade to the lump yet no i tried to poke it with uh tweezers you know because they're kind of sharp i wish i had a little pin a little uh skin pin that i could poke it with but i don't think we have any pins oh yeah it's not in the budget

what are you talking about go buy a fucking pin i don't want to go any pins. Oh, yeah, it's not in the budget? What are you talking about? Go buy a fucking pin. I don't want to go buy a pin specifically to poke something I shouldn't be poking. Make a day of it. Get Becker involved. Go get lunch, get a pin, and then let Becker take a prod to it. Have you taken a salt bath yet? No. We just have a stand-up shower stall. Yeah, if-up uh shower stall yeah if he can't afford a pen he

can't afford a bathtub i mean damn i go over to wally's just for the bath i mean you could you could come use mine too go down to where the horses feed hop in the trough need to leave it alone and it'll be fine my buddy that i lived with like my best friend growing up and when we lived together he would get him on his belt line and right where you're talking about oh yeah i know about those and yeah the salt baths the salt baths helped a lot he's lying you look at him giggle he's never worn a belt before i do unfortunately i went to walmart and got some boy shorts that were way too big or they're only they're only too big after the first wear like if i if i if i washed them and wore them uh

for like a few hours i'd be fine but they're stretchy and if i wear them for like a day and then want to wear them again i have to belt up man i'm down here i'm living in compression shorts with shorts on top and i am fucking opaline i am bumpless and smooth down there you had laser surgery there's no hair down there to complicate matters that is natural sweat and hair and dirt i don't know no dude yeah it's cool uh i'll i'll send you guys a picture, but I am. I used to. It used to be like Swedish fish between my thighs. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it was a real nightmare. It was like all ball skin. It's like I had ball skin on all of my thighs for a long time. Yeah. But that's gone away from, know being cool being the coolest guy i honestly think it was uh no pants dude because there's constant airflow on my undercarriage my grundle is just fucking constantly being washed in fresh air uh do you wear new shorts and new undies every day hey i mean i'm not the pope

you know i'm not infallible uh i've been in these undies for going on two and it stinks but it's clean oh yeah you wear underwear for more than one day i don't mean to i was busy what do you mean you don't mean to mistakes get made i'm a human being you never have you never have a whoopsie what did you do yes no i've never wanted to wear the two days in a row i mean i don't believe that yesterday i woke up in new york very early and i was like in a frenzy completely nude in the hotel of course because that's how ballers do it so i uh you know in the dark because i literally couldn't figure out how to turn the lights on in my hotel for three days not a joke true story

threw my undies on hopped on the got on the plane flew here and then this morning my sister and mel slept over so i was like woke up like oh no i gotta go downstairs and be you know be their hero um yeah no time to rinse off i have to go make fun of sophie's face and mel's ass yeah exactly confuse them for one another be like good god Sophie, your mouth stinks. Mel, wash your butt. Yeah, no. So I don't know. Right now I've been in these for about 48, and that includes a plane ride.

Yeah, that's awful. Oh, it's bad. Four hours on a plane. We'll do anything. That stains a pair. And these are, like, elastic, you know? So, like, it's tough to get stink in them. But once you do, they're part of the webbing.

plastic you know so like it's tough to get stink in them but once you do they're part of the webbing did you uh sleep on the plane and ruin the person next to you's uh whole flight dude you have no idea special oh yeah i was in rare form on that plane oh god it was back to basics, man. I was running the fucking zone offense on this guy's ass. The triangle of your gross crotch just wafting up at him. It was full court threats. Lisa was a guy. Last time, I think it was a small Asian woman. I think she was old, and you were just sleeping on her, like covering her with you.

Yeah. I kept making her flinch in my sleep what no i there was he was he was a big man he was uh some kind of guido or latino not that big but like broad-shouldered you know with the movement and uh and now to us swole on puzzle And now to us. Swole on Pazol. Swole on Pazol, yeah. He was a real tripe taster.

And it was either tripe or breadsticks. I couldn't tell. He reeked like Axe body spray. That's all I remember. Because I was up late after that taping, having a couple of Trulies, and went to the old airplane. And before I got got on i ate half a xanax bar because i was trying to fucking time travel and i did effectively i got on the plane i don't remember it taking off and i only remember it landing it was a complete like eyes shut i'm awake oh my god i'm in Denver. And this guy was clearly furious at me when I woke up.

I woke up, was jarred from the landing, and then looked over at him, and he was just scowling, dude. Looking at you or looking straight ahead? What's that? Looking at you or just staring straight ahead? He was looking at me. His eyes were daggers. He had torn his Bible in half.

Oh, yeah. So, I mean, I don't know what kind of sleep assault I was perpetrating, but I had my neck pillow, so I'm sure I slumped over and landed on him. Because when I'm zanned, it's over. The fucking elephant has been darted. There's no bringing me out of that sweet, sweet Benzo Hayes. So, I don't know. I mean, I've fallen asleep before on a plane and woken up and someone has moved.

That's got to be disorienting. You're like, where am I yeah who are you who am i help am i the pilot i'm in the cockpit i'm surprised you haven't woken up in like the jail of an airport because it is the shittiest thing you could do to someone is to just be all over them not respecting their space there's not enough room on the plane that's not your fault but the least you could do is just stay courteous enough to not touch the person next to you i'm not trying to touch man i'm like a body blanket though when i go limp i've seen it you slump over onto someone you can't sleep upright you have to lean and then you're just on someone

yeah just on them you're in you're violating them and you think it's okay because you're asleep or you're drugged up and it's like no you there's no excuse i don't think it's okay but i you know i think in a court of law that would hold up you should be in you should be forced to either be in first class or get two seats like kevin smith when he was fat i agree i think i should be in first class i think that is a solution they upgrade you wake up in first class you got walked up to first class in a in a drugged haze i mean it'd make more sense if i woke up drugged in a locked toilet they just locked me in the bathroom with like your head on my forehead just upside down your head in the toilet yeah sleeping like a bat

completely nude they flush your ass yeah In the toilet. Yeah. Sleeping like a bat. Completely nude. They flush your ass? Yeah. I mean, I'm surprised I haven't woken up with an air marshal's gun in my mouth. Because it was bad, dude. I mean, I know that this guy must have really gone through it. Did he say anything? Do anything?

No, but like he was staring at when i woke up i was like oh you boy what day is it you know and i looked over i just christmas caroled back to life and looked over at the guy and he was just like you know una muerte por ese like looking at me it was bad news I'm sorry to that very it's too late perfume yeah I mean I didn't apologize to him I'm not a fucking punk and also he should have fucking

narked his ass out he should have benzo'd up and passed and then we could have just crushed the woman on the elbow oh god I mean I'm surprised I never have woken up and then we could have just crushed the woman on the elbow. Oh, God. Yeah. I mean, I'm surprised I never have woken up with, like, my face in someone's lap,

and he's, like, tapping the top of my head with his dick. Yeah. Oh, my God. Because my move on the plane is I don't want to talk to or hear anyone. I've got music or a podcast going on my way to the airport so that I barely look at anyone because I get annoyed at everyone. They wear pajamas. If they have a kid, they act like the kid is the center of the world and whatever they say goes. Like the little kid has a box cutter and is dictating where the flight is going to take off and land um it is so frustrating so i have to uh but again but i also uh have not

often slept on a plane because i'm terrified of being as bad or worse than the typical dickhead on a plane and you are above and beyond i think i'm a person on a plane i don't think there's a lot of people acting like me or else the faa would ground all flights no that's what i'm saying you're you are uh god just worse than the hijackers on 9-11 i would say in i mean i treat i treat the pool like i mean i treat the plane like i'm in a wave pool you know and it's like when the wave comes wherever my body lands that's not my fault and i mean i don't think that i'm worse than the the hijackers you're up there with them they're one through 11 worst uh passengers of all time and you're

12 and 13 because you should have bought two spots on the list i bet i'm of all of all 11 of them i'm worse than one of them for sure like the one who like didn't really want to be there but like you know he thought they were going to be girls the most passive yeah the 11 the one that was like i don't know fellas yeah the uh uae member the united arab emates guy. Was there only one from there? Yeah. The one that learned how to land to really sell it.

To throw people off the scent. Like, ah, very interesting. And what happens after the plane lands safely? Oh, okay. All the other guys are like, don't worry about it. Mohammed 4. Mohamed H.

Yeah. The H stands for Hoobastank. You went out to New York to audition for a play. How'd the audition go? Bad. You know that chair the director sits in?

I crushed it. bad you know that chair the director sits in I crushed it so that was a bad way I came in and I was like so just sit anywhere huh fellas Mel Brooks was sitting in the chair already and you sat on him I broke his hips

I called Carl Reiner a Jew I blew it it was bad he wasn't even there I was trying to riff with Mel I was like so you're Mel B you did the voice of Bugs Bunny that's all folks

I'm drawing a Mel Blank on who you are I'm Mel Brooks, you fool! No, you went out to New York. Why? I forget. I went out there to film a little spot for this upstart network called Comedy Central.

It's actually, in its twilight years, it'll be replaced with a 24-7 infomercial channel within probably next year i mean dude all it is now is like bojack horseman for 12 hours a day and then south park and workaholics for the other six and six right yeah it's yeah they've they've they've trimmed the fat and then they added a little bit of fat in the form of you to yeah they're like hey can you not afford Netflix? Have you never heard of Hulu?

We're here for you. Don't worry. Do you want commercials for 15 minutes out of the 30-minute programming block? Then you found us. Hey, we don't even play Black Sheep anymore. What's that? They don't even play Black Sheep anymore. Is that your main complaint?

Yeah. That and there's not enough white guys. I'm kidding. Yeah. Becker. Yeah, do I cut that? No. No, we're goofing.

Yeah, he was chastising you for agreeing with what he said. It was a pretty slick move. Yeah. I wasn't agreeing with it. I was nodding. Yes yes that's where he would end up predictable sam t interesting i i was thinking like oh great this is not a patreon you know what's uh good to know now you know it's definitely glad we're 23 minutes in you know what i thought was uh definitely not super

necessary was uh i watched you on a podcast on on youtube and the whole time i wasn't really watching most of it but when i would i was like why is this and i've had several people suggest that we uh have video of the recording and and watching you on a podcast was like, why? Why would I watch the three of you recording for an almost completely audio format? You know, like none of you got up and acted something out or made a funny face or like spilled water. Why? Who are the psychopaths that want to watch

a podcast being recorded oh i don't know dude are you talking about the matt and shane yeah well all people talked about is i mean first of all if you're a matt and shane listener and you're new to the pod thank you 99 of you were very kind to me. Welcome aboard. Sorry, Lund's here. But I will also say that a lot of, there were some comments where it's like, this guy's so huge. My God, look at the size of his knees versus the size of his wrists.

Why are his sleeves that length? There was a lot of sleeve discussion. Oh, boy. Yeah, they were like, Jesus, this dude makes Shaneane look small how big is he how many chairs is he sitting in well i can't even see mel brooks under there yeah exactly whose legs are dangling and kicking every now and then uh so yeah i mean i don't ever want to be on a visual podcast because usually i look disgusting it didn't make sense it was dark like i said there was no

and and and it's not i'm sure there's some fucking marketing thing where oh it's a patreon tier whatever the hell oh the fans love it but it did not make sense to me and uh you'll never know what i look like chubby behemoth listeners I'm shrouded in secrecy well it's weird because your camera is off and it's just me and Becker looking at each other I don't want you to geo point to where I am geo tag me and then swat me

if you guys want to know what Lund looks like imagine a thumb with a wig and a mustache we gotta share like if a big toe had a beard I meant to share that picture of the kid that was in you said uh you thought of him as being from matilda i knew exactly who you were talking about but i couldn't place him but he was also in the the wedding singer yes and the one who honks what's her name is rump. Yeah. He grabs her butt, which is fine.

Cause it was the nineties, but he also like pulls the cheeks apart. And then an old man, uh, looks into the camera and says, now I know what's for dinner. And then he puts his head in there and it's okay. As long as you're,

well, you have to be at least like 50, 20 years younger or older than a woman and then whatever you do to her is camp. It's not sexual harassment. It's force play. It's Sandler-esque. Didn't Drew Barrymore

she had him and then she had him sliced? I don't know if that's true. I think she said she was reduced on Norm MacDonald's podcast. She had her honkers deflated. He honked. She was like a legendary piece of ass

when she was like 15, 16. All Hollywood was passing her around. I don't think she... Did she act then? I think she might have... I don't know if she was in stuff between like E.T. and Firestarter and then when she was like 21, she was in my dream.

Yeah. She got very, she was still living in Hollywood. Her family's Hollywood royalty. Yeah. The Barrymore's you ape. Right. But that doesn't Decker.

Also, you hung your head when I said that she was hot. I was younger than her. It's okay. Oh yeah. That's all. She talks out of the side of her mouth. Like Peter Griffin. Yeah. She talks like this i'm very more and i think this is a cool affectation

yeah look at me wedding singer wait now this is an argument for a video becker becker doing a Barrymore. It is cute. She does it on everything. Stop it, Becker. Quit being coquettish. I don't like boy Becker. Your Drew Barrymore pisses me off. Our Drew Barrymore pisses me off. You just don't like it because if he's

talking, then you have to see him instead of you seeing yourself. No, I see all of us. I have three windows up. Mine's not. I have a coal-powered laptop like you. Oh, mine's whoever's talking gets to take center stage. I just go to gallery view, so I see all of us at the same time.

Yeah, I never see me in the big window. I'm doing gallery now. It's great. I'm loving it. Now who's the narcissist? I don't know. Is that allen look how dark my eyes i look like a child of the corn yeah dude your eyes are cold and lifeless mommy says i can't come out to play tonight oh no the porpoise is on land oh you know it reminds me of when that time when i went dark and i had the candles out that was a

fun one oh shit we're going to talk from beyond the grave yeah that was great when you had the ouija board fired up and you were smoking a club cigarette we explored the morbid and more and grotesque the macabre what is it on my thigh it's hell come to Come to play. Let's see it, Lund. Put it up to the camera. No. Why? No. You don't want to see it. It would be gross. It would be dark.

I'll try to get a good picture of it. You said it was peen adjacent, so I'm hoping I get a little bonus. I hope I get a little co-star. I hope there's a cameo from your ween. You're Bangus. My voodoo lady. You're Russell Mangus.

So you went out to New York. Any other fun New York stories? Did you go to a bodega? Did you go to a fucking subway platform? Did you see somebody? Speaking of dicks, you see some cool new york dick no no i mean i went out there i did uh are you garbage i did matt and shane's and i did kevin o'brien's show on wednesday uh mara continues to be one of the funniest people alive

um it was pretty funny kevin White and Kevin O'Brien host and Kevin O'Brien DJs the whole time so he never leaves the stage. What kind of ethnic garb does he wear? It was weird. He had a headdress on and a Hawaiian shirt. I don't know. Island indigenous? It was strange. I like the idea

of a dashiki with a Patrick Ewing jersey over it. Just really going hard for New York, baby. New York for life. And I want to say quickly that I said offstage because I was joking, but also it was pointed out. I guess Bobby said. Bobby said Mara was killing it uh off stage because

they were hanging out in real life and she is funny on and off stage yeah mara kept yelling uh to people uh stand back this man's in ketosis stand back give him some room he's in ketosis everyone he hasn't had sweets in a week yeah uh yeah mera rules she loves she loves she she got on board that train because you guys were uh you guys were were uh spreading that at uh clara kane's wedding right yeah mera was mera kept pointing at amy miller and being like amy's got him you can see him from space all right nice claire's wearing a dress but if she wasn't hasn't i mean she just kept like walking up to people and the drunker she got on champagne the more body and sexually harassing she was i think she

poked some lady in the boob and was like checks out one and two free mammograms from dr wiles over here yeah she's like i'll give you a mammogram but i got to use my mouth oh good milk yeah that's great yeah samara rocks i mean it was fun man it was new york my only new york moment was is uh you know showtime on the train where the kids come on and they clap and they dance and spin around the pole yeah saw a woman get kicked right in the tit by showtime oh yeah what was the age difference was it okay no she was like probably like 35 40 and then like a seven a ripped 17 year old with his shirt off just kicked her right in the tit going like 20 miles per hour around the pole and they tell you they're like we're not gonna kick you in the face don't worry and then

they put on like rock rock planet rock and just you know do the worm and chin-ups with their feet and uh kicked her right in the tit and she was alone you know she didn't have any friends it was a cold new york moment and she just went oh oh oh and no one helped her what did you do you were no zonked on zan no i was only zan on the plane i was uh trying not to laugh just like everyone else on the plane on the train except for the black people who were like oh damn there was a lot of those breaking out you know and then the kids just ran to the other end of the train yeah so that was fun and then uh Mara asked if this young lady needed any help uh massaging it out no Mara wasn't with me no shit I was goofing oh okay I'm sorry I was I was painting a picture riffle didn't include you jerking off to somebody getting kicked in the tit I didn't jerk I was

wearing compression shorts that's impossible so you just rubbed up against the the pole you were holding yeah you know that kid who like the meme of the kid falling in front of the camera and he's like oh puts his fist in his mouth that was me in real life but uh yeah so that was fun i was so afraid to look stupid on the train platform that i took ubers the first day i was there i was apparently like I took Ubers the first day I was there. I spent probably like $220 on Ubers the first day because I didn't want to look like I was incompetent. Now you look dumber than ever.

Oh, I continue to look dumb. It is tough because it takes a while to get used to the intricacies, the ins and outs, because it's not just, oh, go here for this train and stand there and then you'll be fine because they go in different directions. There's several different platforms and there's different times a day where the, the certain stops get skipped. The first time I went to New York was before. Train stories.

Trains. The first time I went to New York was before... Television? No, before phones just told you, like Google Maps just told you. Oh, shit. I think before phones were invented. I'd have to know. Because you're such an old bitch.

But I would have to go... I had to go on a computer and print out the directions. And that was tough because you had to put a card into it, right? And the trains to tank. I had to go to a computer and print out the directions. And that was tough because you had to put a card into it, right? And the trains to tank. I had to go to the library. People didn't have printers. These were just industrial printers that ruled the roost. So you had to go and pay 10 cents a copy.

No, I had to print out these fucking directions. It was awful. And then you're standing on the platform in front of some construction workers from the Bronx looking at notes. Yeah, acting like it's my screenplay or something that I'm pondering. I'm reading for a roll. It's confused passenger. Stand here. It's dim-witted commuter.

Yeah, man. So that was me. That was me being stupid. Very afraid. muter so yeah man so that was me that was me being stupid very afraid ubers yeah because you're just stuck in the traffic yeah but you gotta look out the window you know uh-huh and talk to someone who's really from new york oh no no one's talking in the uber there's just a guy listening to very loud argentinian music that's good yeah and i'm in the back like this is the city where it all happens becker what are you cracking open teddy grams

fruit smiles fruit smiles you want to eat a smile a smile in fruit form is that a gummy snack yeah yeah okay i want to say something and this is not racist this is just an observation so buckle up i did uh i did some spots in new york and there was five black comedians total on the shows that i did and boy according to your notes. Yes, of course. Yes, according to... And three out of five of them, before they went on stage, pulled fruit snacks out of their pocket and ate them.

Whoa. What's going on here? That's pretty good. Isn't that a weird thing? Three-fifths. Artie Fuqua, Ashtonhton womack and another fellow whose name i did not get they all ate they all had fruit snacks on them and ate them right before they went on they're close to like the apex of humanity uh yeah says the guy with a mouthful of

walmart brand fruit snacks yeah a mouthful of countenances i'll bet these comics acts is when we did it these comics are getting uh welch's brand probably like name brand stuff not great value fruit snacks yeah they're not walmart brand orange packet bullshit yours have like mule gelatin in the becker they're not even horse gelatin in there mule gelatin yeah you got donkey bones in your snatch uh that seems insane to me that uh the two of the comics that you just mentioned were also filming so the idea that you would run the risk of having some chewed up uh gummy in your teeth while being filmed seems like a real risky move i don't think this was their

first rodeo this wasn't their first uh day at the carnival you know they know how to eat fruit snacks oh i do too but i know that part of it is that sometimes it gets stuck in your freaking teeth man and you're talking about right before they went up yeah but you only eat fruit snacks with your back teeth it's all they're all molar no one's like taking a nibble of a fruit snack and getting anything between their front two teeth still you wouldn't want it in the back there making your tongue trip over them on the way out next thing you know you say the wrong word you're ruined yeah no good point i mean i will say that already ruled and uh womack fuck me and womack fucked it up we destroyed it was so sick whoa yeah I'm really really happy with how my

taping went uh the knitting factory was cool um Mara was there taking full advantage of the open bar for six hours so she was a fucking liability by the end of it refused to leave yeah she's like I'm staying here she's crying into her white wine and stealing more pizza. They had catering for the cast and crew afterward, and Mera left with like three boxes of it. It was nuts. She was unrepentant. Pizza rat returns.

She's a little pizza rat. Yeah, and I couldn't eat pizza, and she kept telling people that i was in keto like that didn't know her like that's you travis's manager she was like yeah sam's in keto that was you with my gout you felt the need to spread the news far and wide oh yeah she did that was payback i don't know what it feels like to be you. It sucks all the time. Oh man. Yeah. Damn dude. Yeah.

You get it now. What a nightmare. Are you still doing keto? Oh yeah, man. I've been on it for 14 days as as of midnight okay well but every minute of it man i'm fucking firing on all cylinders think about how funny i've been on this podcast you should be all dumb slightly better than average yeah i mean i used to have all this

inflammation in my brain and joints and now i'm you know jumping in the air and doing crosswords while floating you ever done a word search on a trampoline no i have i don't multitask no no you don't task well yeah that's the singular task you have a bed sore on your on your thigh because you haven't gotten up in a while you're right uh so yeah good job you're going to be on comedy central's website which everybody loves they go there for their news for their entertainment sports highlights sports scores and highlights. Sports betting tips. What was Paula Poundstone's best joke in 1991? Did she touch those kids or is that a rumor? What was Larry Miller up to in 94? Yeah.

Other than 10 things I hate about you. I guess that was later. How many sound effects did Pablo Francisco do in his half hour? Michael Winslow's back. Did you see that? He did America's Got Talent. It seems so weird to me. I think he's in the room. Here's this...

Is that Michael Winslow? Welcome, Michael. You brought him back with you on the plane from New York. Trying to communicate. What are you trying to say, Michael? I'm not. I think he's going in reverse i can't tell what's happening right now speaking of mel brooks classic uh space balls we got michael winslow on the pod eating fruit snacks while making these wonderful uh sound effects yeah he's a fruit snacker snacks while making these wonderful uh sound effects yeah he's a fruit snacker um oh yeah it was weird that he'd be on america's got talent because it's like hey look at this kid

who's seven and doesn't have a head michael winslow with another shot at glory i don't know that's random hollywood's giving him another chance look Look who's back. Back again. Have we told the story of the costume contest at Comic-Con on here before? Yes. Retardus? Yeah. It's one of the best things of all time. Oh, yeah, dude.

We definitely... I think I told it because I love it. I didn't eat any cool pizza while I was there i didn't have any bagels i didn't have any bread of any kind do you have some fish fresh fish did have fresh fish went and got greek food with kevin mara and kevin white kevin white's flourishing he's the man he's involved in all types of like dangerous sex play so that's pretty cool what yeah he like told me in the park he's like yeah you know i think i'm over sex i've had it all it's like what he's like yeah i've just been cramming all right good for you pal so uh the white man cometh kevi won a white and he does remember that joke i pitched

around white yeah ronnie won a white I think you said that on the last episode. Ronnie won a white. Yeah, I had some great fish, some sardines, some cool broccoli. But after that... Cool broccoli. Yeah, broccoli. Robin had feta in it. It was nuts.

It was next level. It was straight Winslow. Oh, yeah. Everyone in New York calls cool stuff winslow now shit my ride's here i'm i'm stealing from uh what's his name uh shit can't that come through? My machine gun noise? Stephen Briggs. Sound effect. It sounds like a fart in the wind. No, this does.

That's a boat that's stuck in the water because it's shallow. The boat that's stuck in your ass because it's deep. That's space doppler effect what car was that becker what car were you imagining when you made that noise yeah what that sound like the taxi from who framed roger raven oh yes the talking Rabbit. Oh, yes. The talking cab. Yes. I jerked off to the talking cab as much as Jessica Rabbit. It was neck and neck with my little rough neck.

With my little raincoat where I jerk off in a condom. It's actually not a bad idea. I feel like if you really want to be ready to bone you should probably jerk it with a condom on so that you put that condom on and you're ready you're you've been uh taking practice swings with a donut you know a weighted little baseball bat so that you're ready to uh hit a dinger with your i heard the move is if you're gonna do the condom thing put the condom in or on and then you leave a

pumpkin outside for a couple days and it gets soft and then you put the condom penis inside the pumpkin and that's supposed to be perfect. That sounds ideal. Yeah, you just go out gourd squishing as they call it down Mobile Way and that's

the best way to get ready uh yeah i wish i would have known yeah i know but uh did not eat any cool pizza just want to let you guys know that i didn't i didn't i only drank one day i mean it was cool, man. I've been sober like you, Lon. For like 10 days? For like two weeks. Popping Xan. Yeah, I had Xans on the plane, dude. Who cares? I'm Xan shaming you.

Yeah, I know. Sorry I can't be like you and just don't sleep. I stopped smoking weed. I have nothing now. You stopped smoking weed? Except for candy. Yeah, I don't really smoke. I stopped smoking weed. I have nothing now. You stopped smoking weed? Except for candy. Yeah, I don't really smoke. Oh, my God.

Why? That was such a cool thing you did. I just don't. I just haven't cared to in a while. I don't even know the last time I partook. Shit. Oh, when Mary and I were were hanging out she was blasting a j so are you okay are you gonna kill yourself no i feel great oh i forgot if i don't do something

it's bad if you don't eat carbs you are god you love weed though i don though. I don't care. I don't care about weed as much. It's fine. I'm sure I will. I will again. But you know what sucks? You actually know exactly what I'm going to say, which is after doing it every day to not do it for a couple weeks, and then I did it once or twice, I got so high.

Like old school, I'm going to die. This is something's wrong with my heart. I got so high, like old school. I'm going to die. Something's wrong with my heart. My heart and my brain are going to forget what their functions are, and it's going to kill me. I had that kind of highness, and it's crazy to be able to experience that again because it's been so long. I smoked weed every day for like 20 years. Shit, dude.

You should have a drink. No, i don't miss drinking fuck and what is there weed is there when i want it i just have to dial it in and not like blast becker did you quit weed fuck no okay good you'd know yeah because you would have climbed a clock tower already and mowed down a bunch of kids yeah there'd be a killdozer documentary in the works jizz dozer you're just coming in a bunch of cats

the machinery not the animal caterpillars well shit well Lund that's cool I'm glad you're doing you yeah that's good thanks for not texting Emily back about her birthday she didn't get sad about that at all oh perfect I definitely want to talk

about that on the pod oh okay well you know I'm sorry I forgot that you submitted a bunch of approved topics no but come on i don't need i don't need to be guilted about rsvp'ing for a birthday party in three weeks okay fine my bad no it is not your bad don't act like you're right i'm not the victim acting like you like you're backing off yeah right i am no i respect your boundaries totally i'm excited for you guys to sink that boat because you're gonna have you're gonna have 18 people on a 14-person boat, and it's going to go under, and hopefully everybody survives. I don't know.

Oh, my God, dude. Well, I asked her how many people were going to be on the boat, and she told me, and I was like, my God. It's a bunch of fatties, too. What a mass of humanity occupying this uh soon to be destroyed boat you're not getting the deposit back that's for sure oh no yeah it's a bunch of fatties man for sure dory's gonna go off the slide and the boat's gonna do a 360 uh yeah i don't know i'll probably go oh cool i'll tell her you're in well i'll tell her my response is uh uh an ellipsis dot dot dot you're leaving her on red

uh on your weird google phone you don't even have green bubbles. Yours are like pink. It doesn't make any sense. Oh yeah. Yeah. Oh, I dropped my phone. I have to,

I have to see about going to the Springs to get the screen fixed. Oh dude. Uh, I think for it to be free, cause I have, I have insurance. Um, but for it to be free because i have i have insurance um but for it to be free i think i have to go to a specific store which is called you break i fix uh ling i think ling is the general manager but she's gonna she's gonna give give me an old flip phone

and act like it was my Pixel, try to prank my ass. She's going to guess at you into thinking that you had a beeper when you came in there. Yeah, she's going to try to sell me a printer, you know, like an old school industrial printer. Directions for Subway, yes? I was like, no, Ling. What the fuck? sell me a printer you know like an old school industrial printer direct directions for subway yes i was like no ling what's the fuck i had a pixel 4a 5g yes directions to subway uh yeah so i think i have to go there but the reason it broke is because i went to

um when megan's parents were here, we went up to Monument Lake, which is beautiful. And then there's these two smaller lakes, Blue Lake and Bear Lake. And Megan and I hadn't been to them yet. And they were overrun. God forbid a child goes a weekend without fishing with his fucking dad.

But just insisting. You're mading kids fishing with their dad come on it's so basic it's like and this is not for the kid you're not bonding the kid hates it the kid wants to jerk off uh you know to look at his phone or to fucking be inside and then the parents are like look this is bonding this is and it's really it's just something that's free like they just are cheap bastards and they're like oh my dad made me fish with him and i hated him until he got sick you know like it doesn't it doesn't make sense and then they wonder why their little school shooter kid doesn't destroy the public bathrooms at these lakes you think that that's

basic going fishing and what you were taking your dogs on a walk you're fucking reinventing the wheel for sure it's not about that it's about the idea that like real you're not alone at a lake that's what you're pissed about no real men do one of like four things and it has to involve hunting or fishing or buying a giant truck and then getting it stuck on the on a tiny road or not talking to their father-in-law that's what you were trying to do no we talked but uh we talked about how gross that bathroom was for sure oh yeah that was the talk of the town i forgot but anyway brown when we were at one of those lakes uh there were these mushrooms and they looked like fucking cartoon like super mario brothers mushrooms i had never seen that kind in the wild and oh yeah those will fuck you up man

they're poisonous right they're not hallucinant they're not psilocybin no so they can get you high those are the ones that reindeer eat and those are the ones that uh are supposed to represent santa claus because people would eat those and think they saw fairies and shit oh damn well you're thinking of the red and white ones right yeah they were cool looking they looked uh hilarious yeah you have to like boil them and drink the tea through like an old sock that uh your grandfather wore or something but they're called uh muscaria becker i don't know what they're called but i know what you're talking about yeah right you're thinking about more fruit snacks they were called no i'm thinking about mario brothers your eyes are barely open you got fucking fruit snack brain i can't remember what the latin was but i think they were

called fly something they're fly agaric agaric yeah that's it yeah dude yeah so you ate a bunch of those i ate some i felt fine uh it scared me that i felt fine no uh i got good pictures of them and then i found another one and i tried to take a picture of that one and little george michael loves to be the the alpha the leader of the pack so he pulled to keep moving and i dropped my phone and it cracked so i gotta go up the springs fix my fix my pixel well if you're gonna come up to the springs might as well come up to fort collins it's like almost there no i'm gonna go to the springs and immediately come home actually i'll go to the springs and i'll probably go to carl's jr for a nice beyond meat burger yes dude because i can't look at a i can't look at a hamburger without my ankle hurting these days man if you were like me and you just did this weight loss challenge i'm already down 40 pounds

no you're not it's been two weeks i will say that i am backed up like the new york subway system when someone jumps on the tracks because i just eat oh because it's all meat there's a lot of cheese a lot of fat sophie says that hers are shiny. Who? Sophie says that her turds are slippery and shiny. Who all's doing keto? Me, Sophie, Emily, David Borey.

Oh, boy. Apparently, Emily's passling like eels. They look like eels when they come out of her. They scream. I mean, no joke. I think I haven't had one in three days. They scream. I mean, no joke. I think I haven't had one in three days. That's great.

It looks like there's a black power fist in my ass. You know, like that drawing? That's what I imagine this turd's going to look like. It's going to look like the glove that guy wore in Mouse and Men. You're going to feel the knuckles as they come out? I hope so, man. I mean, I go in there and I try and I'm like, I've been good. I'm a good boy.

I haven't done anything wrong. I haven't hurt anyone. And still, nothing slides out the hole. I bet I have like 20 to 25 pounds of human dung inside of me uh and he can't flush you're not like drinking enough water to get it out i'm drinking water i'm drinking electrolytes i'm drinking mct oil and collagen i've got a real good fluid situation going on but uh i don't know dude it's like i got a bunch of you know the roots of that mushroom you saw that's what's growing inside of me hmm that's too bad

cuz I want it out nice to have good dumps we're about to see if Gordy can keep a secret do you know when that Comedy Central seven and a half minute set is going to be online? No idea. I do not know. But I mean, I'm assuming by the end of the year. Yeah. Yeah. But it went well, man.

I really put the city on my back and carried it over the finish line. Yeah, that's great. I'm glad that you aren't second guessing guessing yourself i'm glad you didn't go with uh fudge judge i did not do fudge judge i'll bet you thought about it i did it was in the set until the last minute you said you did a mask joke yeah i did the the mask joke what's that well it's a longer joke but the part of the joke that i like the most is i'm not an anti-vascular i wouldn't say i'm an anti-masker i just think ace ace ventura is funny wait i wouldn't say i'm an anti-masker i just think ace ventura is better yeah that's great yeah but

sure that hit with a bunch of zoomers oh it did they were like oh damn i'm putting that on tiktok yeah uh but yeah dude i fucking did it and i'm happy about it and uh you know i flew between both worlds went from matt and shane's podcast out to a central organic and deep bushwick to do a kevin and maris show i'm beloved, baby. You're a day walker. I am. And also a gay walker. I walk like I'm gay. I've been told. I also got a bunch of cool new hats from the guy who's renting my parents' house.

This one's a Navy hat. Nice. It says, Fear the Goat. Yeah, that looked good. Noah Reynolds really shit the bed tonight on the show we did in Denver. That was fun. Yes. Yeah, it was fun, dude. yeah that looked good no reynolds really shit the bed tonight on the show we did in denver that was fun yes yeah it was fun dude uh patrick ridgerton went up before him and uh like he did great patch really killed and then noah went up and tried to neg pat he tried to make fun of pat and they hated

it and then uh and then noah got off stage and he was like that was fun and pat was like no it wasn't you fucking bombed that's what you get for calling me a fat piece of shit they hated you Noah was like what it wasn't that bad and he's like no dude that sucked it was awesome that was long over and mean to Noah

Noah really pulled the live in trinidad they did not like you they liked me you can't tell the difference because you're stupid noah damn p rich from downtown yeah it was awesome what where was the show uh improper city what improper city it's a alec flynn show it's called improper city that's the name of the venue sunday fun day is the show but hey if you want to see me live and uncut everyone you can come out and see me at the comedy fort i'm headlining this friday august 6 come on out get those tickets now so we can add a second show. You heard me right here, folks.

Go ahead and get those tickets. Comedy Fort featuring Sam Talent. That's me. Who told you? I knew it from the day I was born. Holy shit. That got me. I'm going to buy tickets um i like the comedy fort's been open for six months and they just had their grand opening it's like okay what i think it was at full capacity is what

it means oh it seemed pretty full for joke cello pop poppy. Oh no. It's Rosie. What do you want to do? I want to put it in. Let me feel it. I want to get an ice cube and pretend I'm Spike Lee and do the right thing. Well, that's great. I'm glad that you're doing the comedy for it.

If you want to see me, Trinidad, Wednesday, I've got Jordan Dahl and Brad Wentzel coming to Main Street Live. It's on Main Street. It's the former SCRT, the Southern Colorado Repertory Theater. They used to call it the Mouthful, because by the time you told somebody where the venue was, it was sundown. They had a bullet in their mouth.

Yeah, they were already halfway to Raton. And speaking of Raton, thursday i know we have a lot of chubby behemoth fans out there in raton cleaning their guns you can you can see the same show in raton thursday night uh wally added jay gillespie and didn't tell me so i've got to split the money four ways hell yeah you know oh man wally rocks what can't he do he can promote these shows but uh he's promoting his festival that's in october yeah the spaghetti and hot dog festival the latchkey kid festival Watch Key Kid Festival. What a spy. But yeah, Wednesday in Trinidad, Thursday in Raton. Raton, we're at Gate City Craft Bar.

Raton means the rat. El Raton. Merrill Wiles, little pizza raton. But Friday is First Friday, and that means I'm'm gonna be on the trinidad trolley announcing stops on the art walk for first friday a bunch of music i'm gonna be uh riffing and and spliffing i'm gonna get too stoned and uh think that i'm dying uh you have to split the check with the conductor that sucks i'm gonna i'm gonna uh put my hands over the eyes of the uh driver while we're on i-25 um the uh my friend christy that got me this gig tried to call me an improv comedian

on the website the tourism website and i was like don't say improv uh just say i'm gonna be on there and she's she said something like comedian comedian Nathan Lund will be hanging out. I was like, that's good. No expectations is what I tried to enforce. It just sounds like you're going to be playing that game where you have your fingers spread on a table and then you put a knife in between them over and over again.

What's that called? Bumbly Peg. It was called something in Red Dead. Something else. Schneider's Crosshair. There it is. But, yeah. But, pussy, tits, penis.

If you're going to be in Trinidad and bored on Wednesday or Friday, I've got you covered. Come hang out with old Sid himself. That'll be great. Hey, old Sid, don't book up November without talking to me because I want to do shows there while I'm in la junta oh uh yeah i'm sure there's gonna be shows for sure sick that's cool hey everything's gonna be open in november for sure oh yeah no one cares hey becker if they want to hear more about us where can they find us they can find us at patreon.com slash chubby behemoth yes for five

dollars a month they get the whole back catalog of episodes which i think we're up to 43 episodes now yes you white slut keep talking yeah and for 20 a month sam will send you creepy body hair no lunch sending pus or some shit okay plus, pus. Yeah, that's right. You're going to get leg vagina discharge. Little vials of discharge. That's a vial vial. Dishonorable discharges coming out of my body.

Just paint my number cups. Some of our best episodes are definitely Patreon episodes. Not on purpose, just because you know, sometimes we've had some real home runs uh over at the page so uh please do consider five dollars a month to uh get access to those sweet sweet extra episodes where sam says it and i uh i don't have it half-heartedly uh scold him yeah you try and put the governor on the horse

and guess what? That saddle don't fit old buck nuts. Papa Zan, listen to half of it and then fall asleep and wake up in a different time zone. The old Sam T special. That's right. I can't be stopped.