Chubby Behemoth - Play Mudvayne

Episode Date: January 9, 2023

Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   Family Guy. Open Window Policy. I Do Eat Vegetables. "Big Pat" Richardson.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

for richer or poorer for richardson or porson welcome to chubby behemoth uh this is nathan lund joined by jake becker and and uh patrick richardson big pat we call him big pat no one calls me that big pat the dick man not since i quit football i quit football in sixth grade because everyone called me big pat the dick man not since i quit football i quit football in sixth grade because everyone called me big pat you were over it yeah that's fine that's why i quit yeah i quit you to be big though but you wanted to stay big you just didn't want people to talk about it you're like hey find something else to dish about i used to hate the name pat yeah but now i don't really care do you think it's annoying this is like such a move where and i've had it happen to me a few times recently mostly at the bar but it happens outside of the

bar too where it's like uh what's your name again like oh it's nathan you go by nate it's like i don't know yes but i just told you my name like what do you mean why do you immediately have to give me a shortened version you're in a rush you're being jay's life is short so you don't want to do a song about you like nate nate masturbate or something like that was it sam wanted to make fun of me nate nate lose some weight nate nate you have a gay gate nate nate death is your fate will you back up and do a little walk for me i don't remember what your gate looks like. I got a cool gate.

I got a cool gate. I have a nice saunter. You got a cool gate? No, no. Cool. Cool gate. I got that cool. I have a pimp gate.

I walk like a pimp. Yeah, that sounds dumb. No, it's cool. I walk like a pimp yeah that sounds dumb no it's cool i walk like a pimp it sounds like everybody would be asking you your name so that they could make fun of you and use your your actual names like excuse me are you it's your name patrick yeah that's why cool walk patrick my pimp my my pimp name's big pat i hope you're walking to the suicide factory that's not a place you i hope you're clocking in you only clock in once there yeah and the paycheck never comes they're like oh yeah we'll mail it to you yeah it's going to your family

then it doesn't arrive uh but yeah everybody's wanting to call me nate and it's like come on man that was when i was a kid now i'm an adult i'm 40 i gotta be nathan and you gotta show me some respect around here what about lond lond is good because it's uh well goes back to uh youth like the beginning of an easy listening song london's good well you know at least nate and pat and jake don't sound childish like billy or stevie or you know anybody that goes by one that ends in a y where that really feels wrong on an adult yeah the older you get to anyone i used to be yeah i'd get patty sometimes i guess yeah but people you wouldn't go by patty like a grown like a 70 year old man that tells you his name's billy is off-putting it's like no your name is bill or

will shouldn't be allowed yeah that guy's been on the dark web and not to hire a hitman. Try to hire the hitman, Brett Hart, to come to his 60th birthday party. He'll be the sharpshooter. Hires a two-year-old to impersonate Brett the Hitman Hart. Bobby's going to have to make a decision. Bobby Crane is going to need to uh become bob and people call him bob but a lot of times he's bobby still it's like all right bobby you're about to be a lawyer yeah you're not a cartoon character bobby hey bobby i saw him at the squire a while ago oh yeah he was in town yeah he he came in and he was gonna surprise his family

and uh megan and i met him for dinner before he had uh done that and so he goes oh yeah you know i drove here last night and i i haven't told my family and because i come from a broken home i go nice yeah fuck. Do whatever you want. And he was like, no, no, no. I'm going to see them. I just am going to surprise them. I was like, oh, yes. Ah, yes.

The old surprise your loved ones with your presence. Yeah. I let my own shit get in there. And I was like, oh, yeah. Why would you? Why would you why would you want to see him yeah i'm not a big family guy i yeah you are you love your mommy yeah i do love my mommy but like i don't have like a huge extended family that's a family guy you love mommy You love mommy.

Meg, you bitch. Did you go see mommy for Christmas? I did. Yeah. That's good. It was nice. It was. What did you get her?

We don't do presents anymore. Ever since that a courtesy to you or she wanted some, you were like,'t want any more presents now because i don't i can't buy any for you i think like because my sister's birthday is on christmas mine's three days after christmas i think she's like fuck all this shit you almost ruined her life yeah in many ways i get to buy you presents I get to buy you presents. I get to buy everybody presents three times in a week. Yeah, it sucks. Jesus. No wonder.

Yeah. She should have gone straight Jehovah's Witness and been like, no birthdays and no Christmas. She's a militant atheist. No, not really. I'm just kidding. Being a Jehovah's witness would have sucked all the ones that i know from like high school and middle school and stuff were fucking weird bro yeah yeah they have a whole lack of celebrating anything so and they're not supposed to be proud of anything i don't think right because it's all it's all uh god's doing so you have

no reason to gloat or congratulate it's a swagless religion no swag allowed no pimp gate you can't walk like a pimp because those walk with a sense of purpose and accomplishment and power and uh you can a dog shit religion. Their churches have no windows. They should just go underground. Mole people. What kind of shady shit do you have to be up to to get rid of your windows? Catholics diddle kids and they have windows.

Yeah, come look. Come look through the stained glass. Stained with fecal material from a boy's underwear oh no did you just oh no your own riff yeah i thought about it i thought about what i was saying but it was too late it was already i was already saying it oh no oh god what have i done but yeah i like i like the idea of the, hey, come on in. See what we're up to. And it's like, Jesus, are you sure you want us to do that?

It's like, yeah, it's fine. God was like, it's cool. And he was like, yes, this is good. You're allowed to do this. As long as it's not in a basement people can come by and check in on you then it's all right are there any famous jehovah's witnesses i mean like i guess maybe ex jehovah's was he yeah he'd go door to door in minneapolis it's like if you were lucky on a sund morning, you might have Prince wake you up

while you were hung over to ask you if you knew about Jesus. Whoa. He'd play a guitar riff. I feel like he got invited in more often than a normal Jehovah's Witness. For sure. He was always a Jehovah's Witness?

I think so, but he was definitely devout later in life oh you know what i don't think he always was because i think when he converted is when he got weird about some of his earlier songs because he had a couple of songs that he didn't like being released anymore while he was alive or re-released like erotic yeah ones that were were a little too graphic. He didn't like anymore. Damn. Yeah, I think purple is illegal within the Jehovah's Witness circle. Too proud.

Yeah, just drab. You got to wear muted colors. You got to mute that guitar, too. They all dress like Jedi. Yeah, you got to blend in with the sand. With Tatooine. I was going to say something else. Oh, yeah, you've been home alone. Yeah.

For the last 10 days. Hashtag Kevin McAllister face. I've been all alone, and i've been watching the circle and they always do hashtags on there yeah i've been running amok dude i fucked this place up how much how much full nudity have you been enjoying not a whole lot because they're our neighbors and they don't have like blinds on all the windows. A lot of open windows. Yeah, everybody's just voyeuristic

and exhibitionist up there on that block. No drapes. He does have some hot neighbors over here. Supposedly, the saying is no drapes, no rapes. If you don't cover up what you're doing, you it's the

same thing with the stained glass windows if you have an open window policy hey this is what we're doing over here don't worry about it and it's why i have nothing to hide yeah there's so much nothing to get in conservative uh religious societies they cover it up and then it's like oh i gotta see but you got open windows it's like yeah here see it's not a big deal i'm naked so what and then yeah look at my butthole cool you think anybody ever spies on sam twice yeah they're like oh gross i'm never going near this house again and then you you're the perfect uh stand-in where it's like hey guess what no the car hasn't been here for a while but i'm still home so keep it moving there's some gambler peeping tom out there that's like it's a 50 50 shot i'll get the the little boy or the big sasquatch

at any time they want to risk it oh no there's a second sasquatch now any time. They want to risk it. Oh, no, there's a second Sasquatch. Yeah. Yeah. Like, all right. Well, it might be the giant hog man, but it could be a sweet piece of Dr. Meat.

I don't know what I think it was on Instagram. It might have been on the subreddit. Someone said that Sam was built like a kid's drawing. And I always think about that how a kid would draw a monster yeah uh but yeah you've had the house to yourself hopefully you haven't wrecked it have you has there been a small fire or anything no it's fine i'm gonna have to this this little tree that sam stole allegedly i'm gonna have to take all the ornaments off of it because it's like it's dying quickly oh yeah it's real it's not my job but i'm gonna have to collect all these ornaments off of it i would say no don't help out they're gonna fall off if i leave them on

oh well maybe if you can uh get them off of there and put them away then do it that would be nice of you yeah that was not that's the plan yeah we'll see i have a feeling they're all gonna break they're all just gonna be shattered on the ground because you're not gonna do shit yeah i'm gonna be in austin when they get back the 14th so like how much cleaning do you have to do between now and saturday when do you leave uh the 11th wednesday you got two days to bust it out i don't have that much cleaning i'm not that messy i saw you look around when you said i wrecked this place you hit every angle you got i was it's called acting and sweetie okay it's called acting i give you a tour but i'm stationary

i just don't want me to kill you. Fuck. Did the basement flood? No. Why would it flood? Well, they're pipes. Noodles. I did not flush noodles. You said, why would it flood? Because it's noodles.

A lot of stuff flood. The bit floods the basement. If you put too many clothes in the washer, it floods the basement. Yeah, but you don't have to worry about that because you don't do laundry. I'm actually doing laundry right now, Mr. Jehovah's bitch tits. That's good that you're doing laundry out but uh there's a lot of stains that aren't going to come out of that those clothes isn't that the worst isn't that the worst gang when you you have a stain on one of your favorite shirts you're like god i hope this comes out and it never does my lighthouse well i lucked out i got my lighthouse ranch uh

my uh zip up jacket and i i've been rocking it and then my nose started bleeding in the grocery store in raton a couple days ago and it got it on the fucking jacket and i was like oh good it's fucked i've had it for like six days and now there's blood on it but it came out your free swag jacket what a whole oh no yeah well yeah i wanted to last longer than like wearing it four times are you doing more commercials for them i got the blood out no well i just did a second one so oh nice so the second one will come out soon you should be their flow god could you imagine that would be too much if that's your whole life it's a ranch yeah you're just known as the ranch man yeah i'm the ranch guy they didn't give me a name i'm just the ranch guy why would i call myself the ranch guy they can expand your character on for me commercials i'm leon the

ranch don't fuck with me yeah your name would be gravy gravy the ranch man yeah there's a ring to it hi i'm gravy boat the ranch guy is that one name or is your last name boat last name boat yeah gravy tea boat Is that one name or is your last name Boat? Last name Boat. Yeah. Gravy T. Boat. Yeah, we'll see. No, but I think Flo had to stop doing stand up because Progressive was like, we own you now and you can't have your own thoughts on stage. You can't be political or sexual. You're just an insurance character well she should have read the

fine print then well i'm saying i don't know that i would be like stoked about if that were the if that were presented to me i'd be like no but she's making so much money off of those. I mean, she has for like a decade. She's made 20 million. They backed the truck of money up before they told her to stop doing stuff. Because she had the odd appearance in a movie or a sketch show and stuff back in the day. And then it quickly went away. Damn. What a way to go. She was on Mad TV and then it was gone.

I would pick Lighthouse Ranch over Mad TV but not SNL. Damn. Yeah, I don't know. That would suck. Yeah, and SNL gets screamed at by Chappelle and Louis CK. Just everybody that comes in just screams at you and you're like, this was my dream.

I can't believe I'm here getting screamed at. I think Lauren would like me i don't know i mean he ended up loving pete davidson so who the fuck knows yeah everyone loves pete davidson yeah but it's like the first person lauren's let back on after like getting sober since belushi died damn wait he's back on no he left now but a couple seasons ago he had to like take a break to get his shit together that was like an automatic you're fucking fired because lauren didn't want to deal with burying any more cast members or i don't think he grew to love right

so i don't think that many people actually like pete davidson it feels like he's just shoved down our throats i think he's i don't know if i love his stand-up but i think he's funny he's a decent actor yeah did you see king of staten Island? Yeah. Yeah. Let me guess. Too long? Whoa. Apatow commentary. Too long? Yeah. I'm not a big Apatow guy.

He's kind of fucking annoying to me. Too long. That's all. Just got to cut some stuff out and he'd be fucking golden. Yeah. Save it for the DVD extras. Once there were no more DVDs, he was like well i guess everything's just going in everything's just going into the final cut yeah he just puts the commentary on the final cut too yeah put it all in there fuck it

uh what else tokyo's the kids are the mom and dad are in tokyo so you're at home have you fucked on their bed no that'd be a cool move have you fucked in the house while they've been gone yes good job whoa was it somebody you'd already banged before no yeah right i don't believe it new tang dude new city new tang yeah right i don't know if i believe that i'll bet it's some old tale that you came a rerun if you will you're projecting dude you're married you're like run it back this is this is what i know this is easy all my exes are dead that's such a weird coincidence luckily it's almost never the the ex partner so i've been cleared yeah yeah they always look for somebody else

not the psychopath you know what i thought was crazy was the idea of wearing your shirt while on stage because while those of us who know you can see you on there and be like oh it's a patrick richardson shirt it looks like a generic comedy show. Yeah. Like a little kid made. And so it'd be like going to a concert and the shirt just says rock show. I know. I wanted it to look like a boot, like a Russian bootleg shirt.

Like there's broken English on it. Yeah. I wore it to 50 first jokes last night. Did you sell any? I didn't push it. I just wore it. That's dumb. I'm a bad salesman.

You could have sold a few if you would have just had some on you. Yeah. But it's weird when it's not your show. It's everybody's show. Everybody owns it. A little communist show who how many people ate it how many people completely biffed out of 50. uh the crowd was pretty good um that doesn't mean that the jokes were good yeah i would say biffed it i don't know come on less than 10 for sure no that's not the report there's no way

i heard like five people including you you were on the list i heard like five people did good who's this from a civilian friend of mine that went oh well you asked who biffed it. You didn't ask. He said Nick Dean was good. He said Jacob Rupp was good. And he doesn't know any of you. Yeah. So he was just mean in his descriptions. He said Christie started out good, and then he thinks she took mushrooms. Yeah, she talked about eating mushrooms a lot up there. But he assumed she was on them.

He said she started sounding weird. Yeah, she said she was on them he said he started she started like sounding weird yeah she said she was on mushrooms yeah okay um it was really good he got a lot of laughs hosting yeah kobos he couldn't remember his name and the way he described kobos i wish i had it down word for word because it made me laugh really hard on the phone co-host kobos it's in his name it was like a little surfer guy but completely italian that's him he was like that was it yeah the little italian guy looked like a surfer he said miriam was funny yeah miriam's was really good she made i can't remember who went up before her but she made fun of them it was really funny bory was good

all right so five like yeah jake's friend's report was true five people completely biffed it i would say like five to seven that completely all right well that's pretty good that's what i like to hear i like to hear that some people whiffed i've whiffed at 50 first jokes i've also crushed it last year was kind of bad uh last year was actually pretty good and then you got laughs just by making fun of me and it was like uh that's not fair you and christy that's not supposed to happen and then i fucking bullied my way to a second set so i could tell my actual joke oh yeah god it was too much of you that's what i heard from people afterwards they like, it was a good show, but there's too much of that one guy.

He didn't help my size. There was too much of you talking and they wanted you to leave after your joke instead of staying on stage. And I was like, that's not his fault. And they're like, well, I wish you would have left.

I wish I could have seen him drive away that I knew he was gone. Yeah. A round of applause when I leave no i'm super likable everyone loves me yeah everybody except for sam and emily everybody loves you nobody's sick of you they love having me i'm the best roommate ever yeah we've never killed a half an hour on a curb while they plotted your murder. You're not going down, as they say. The sheriff's going to show up February 1st. The sheriff's going to be knocking on the door. I feel like Emily could kill me pretty easily with some some very sterile medicinal

way. Yeah, I think she wants to do it with her hands though, you know? Yeah, she wants to be pulled from the pillow. Me and Emerald are best friends. No, I know she was just mad that night with the noodle. Oh. The noodles, man.

That was from the sink. It was from the sink when I colandered the noodles. I believe the sink it was from the sink when i i know under the noodles i believe you i really do you call under the vegetables out of the noodle bowl that you better eat vegetables you need to eat veggies that who's one thing i know veggies i heard that you don't we have solid reports that you don't we have people looking through your poop what are they they're giving reports about my food intake there's a camera in the toilet don't eat vegetables there's a chuck berry style camera in the toilet this is why i know it's more of a concern thing than a shit talking because it's like he doesn't eat vegetables i don't i do eat vegetables you said you stuttered you said i don't first i do you wanted to tell the truth but then you went back to your line

i just ate a delicious pot pie okay carrots and peas from a frozen pot pie are less than nothing when it comes to vegetables and why we eat them well you said no vegetables broccoli i like broccoli okay good some vegetables right now yeah pickled i want to watch me eat oh okra is good i like i don't like onions and i don't like um uh cabbage but besides that i'll eat a vegetable okay it's just not the ones that are most commonly in food if it has a flaky crust and some gravy i don't like this subject yeah because we're getting real i mean i'm i'm fat but i eat vegetables so i'll probably be one of those fat guys that lives a little longer than you expected but you you're gonna die and everybody's gonna be like yeah no

shit he never ate a vegetable in his goddamn life. That's just cap. I do eat vegetables. Flaky crust. Frozen square carrots. Buried in gravy. Yeah, there's three little carrot cubes in each of those pot pies. And they're 1,200 calories. So you're not getting sustenance from three little carrot cubes and four peas.

Well, I don't eat a pot pie every goddamn day. Yes, you do. Again, I have a toilet camera. You can't lie to me. I've been watching that thing. How does the toilet camera tell you what I ate? What do you mean? I see it coming out.

That's a self-report on your own. You can translate shits into exactly what the food was that's the bigger discussion here i have an app i send a picture to the app the app tells me what you ate it's not that weird uh what when was the last time you just like smashed a salad it was uh probably chicken not a not a chicken pot pie salad thrown in the oven with a pie crust just raw ass salad uh a red lobster they made you eat it they're like sir uh with the amount of other food you've consumed uh our lawyers have told us we have to be liable yeah you're you're welcome to stay and continue to eat as you wish but first who's calling the look who's calling the black actor the kettle look who's calling the kettle black uh what's that

we both like the chicken that's why i was getting pot pie becker no becker you should not be judging patrick at all you eat like a raccoon should be absolutely neither of you i can because of creech creech makes me delicious healthy food and, and I eat it, and I'm strong. You two are gross, and you eat candy and pot pies, and you vape, and Becker, you smoke 80 cigarettes a day. You guys are both disgusting. Sam and I are sick of you guys killing yourselves. And Sam can judge me because he got healthy like a year ago, but the two of us can look down on you both of you i don't know i don't think so you definitely eat healthier for sure but i i overeat as much

healthy shit as i overeat unhealthy shit no way you never have a bunch of different uh veggies in the freezer you got kit kats you've got muffins yeah Yeah. If I buy veggies, I'm buying them to eat them that day. But I'll sit down and just eat a cucumber. That's delicious. Okay. Well, that's good. And lazy. Yeah.

Just a raw ass. It's like a pickle. You just grab a cucumber. Yeah. It rules on a hot day. Grocery shopping and cooking for one person is stupid. It sucks. Unless you want to eat the same thing every day yeah you got to get a couple things and then you switch it up

i mean i wouldn't know because i've been in a relationship for a long time and before that i was eating 7-eleven so it's not like i'm saying that i haven't been where y'all have been but be careful because it's not all fun and games it's not all the cats away so the mice can eat whatever they want you gotta fucking stick around and if you feel like shit what is this podcast energy dietary podcast this is boring it's called getting boring. I was kidding. Pressure at the hospital terrified me the other night. Yeah, I'll bet.

Yeah, it's bad. It's got to be really bad. You have to breathe really bad oxygen more and less cancer. Just smoke and fire. Yeah. All my bottles rock. I'm in perfect health. Really wouldn't know yeah i was until like the last three checkups and now my blood pressure is crazy high you shouldn't eat 10 junior whoppers patrick the bed that you're sleeping on is a biometric bed that emily got emily got from the hospital and yeah it

compiles a number and that number is supposed to be that thing that comes out of it and goes up my butt is every night that's right yeah that's part of it that's making sure that you're healthy and uh your number is supposed to be between 1 and 20 and your number is 2010 so that's bad good year that was a good year it wasn't a good year it was bad we were barely out of the financial crisis and then all the banks got saved it was bullshit fake money oh no scary the tea party took control of the house and senate no just the house oh politics cool scary i forgot you don't want to talk about politics or health or food what do you want to talk about jizz and fake person that you had sex with supposedly yeah i see the way you're laying on that couch with that sweet beard and that hair coif you love hentaiai. No way. I don't even like anime.

As you retoss that coiff. Retoss the coiff. No way. You guys are projecting on me. You work at a hentai bookstore. That's what somebody sells. I don't sell any of the

hentai. I hide it in the basement. For yourself? No, so that no one ever finds it. Comic book porn is disturbing, dude. I wouldn't know. No one should. We've had the internet our whole lives. You guys both used to peddle smut.

You were both just standing there waiting for the next addict to come in so that you could give him a fix, give him a thrill. You were both just standing there waiting for the next addict to come in. And so that you could give them a fix, give them a thrill. We didn't have smut at Twist and Shout. It was a PG-13 store. Nothing cool?

No. You couldn't sell any throwing stars? There'd be some cool album covers that would come through with some titties on them. That's about it. Was that a Ween album that had some good ones on there uh chocolate and cheese yeah i can stare at those deftones see i mentioned uh jack you know you jacked it to around the fur because that was a hell of an angle i jack jacked it to a lot of the White Stripe albums. I love Jack White's porcelain skin. You were jacking it to Jack? Jack and

Meg. They both have beautiful porcelain skin. Meg's got them, but she doesn't want anybody to know. Yeah. It's hard as a drummer to got them. She mostly just wanted to play her music and be left alone and everybody's like people are just freaking out every time yeah they want her to be in a death metal band so those

things really jiggle yeah they wanted to playne. She had to do the double pedal. That Mudvayne music video where they're all in that face paint is the coolest thing of all time. We should let the aliens see that. That would be your offering for Earth's culture to save us from annihilation or slavery. The dig video. Dig. dig yeah it was fucking good they showed up to that mtv awards with like bullet holes in their foreheads so blood dripping do you remember that was that post columbine

yeah that's how it had to have been yeah that probably came out in like 2006 or something crazy talk about a good year i was so young i barely remember shit around columbine but i remember that mtv awards everybody does i just was so much wild shit that would happen back then. Dude. Colorado's got a couple of the big heavy hitters. I mean, we got the OG, and then we also got the Joker guy one at the movie theater in Aurora. Those are two of the big ones. Yep. Did you grow up here, Pat?

Way to be proud. We got Jokic, and we got yeah i did super bowl wins in uh 98 99 2012 and of course that's murder pretty good since i was born we've had a run of championships the abs in 96. The Rockies. Never. No. Rockies have sucked. The Rockies were good once. The Nuggets have threatened. Nuggets have tapped

at the door. Yeah, they always had a promise, but they have a little kid's axelrod. It would have been crazy if the Columbine bombs would have been they have a little kids axelrod and it would have been crazy if column if the columbine bombs would have gone off they would have killed like 150 people and everybody would have been like well i can't compete with that we would have had way less we would have way less wannabes maryland man that would have been so you think if that one was worse people wouldn't have started doing them everybody no everybody would have been scared we would have been so you think if that one was worse people wouldn't have started doing them

everybody no everybody would have been scared we would have had we would have had everybody like cling to their mommy's legs and like go back to church and we'd all like be good little boys and girls be like oh yeah we would have learned our lesson during the assault rifle or the ar band not the assault rifle the automatic rifle band i think we would have just like everybody pretends that didn't happen hanged marilyn manson yeah he would have he would have been curve stomped and it would have saved a bunch of women from being abused yeah totally and we wouldn't have had to hear any of his music post what dope show i've been trying to kill him for like two years i flew no i flew to la to try and hunt him down and i couldn't i have a whole

video about it yeah i saw that one um i saw that so if anybody has any leads I am trying to kill Marilyn Manson yeah well you went out there and you talked to Big Game and then what you almost killed Madonna Wayne Gacy and that's like who cares is that his bass player or something he was one of the

other guys I don't know I used to know a lot of their names because I date my I lost my virginity to a marilyn manson girl yeah and so i know there was twiggy ramirez and there was madonna wayne i thought you called her that because she did what marilyn manson did to you not because she liked the music she cut herself and yeah cut me too she always had she always had a piece of glass on her and she just cut me or herself depending on how close to her i was just cut me as i was going by and i was like god i have to go to history class just cut me like fuck who else was in the pictures of you with her gingerfish was one uh i think i still well i, I have a bunch of shit in my parents' garage.

In your butt. No, I don't have my high school yearbook with me because I'm 40. You probably still have yours. And you look at it and you think about what could have been with some of the old Greeley West Spartans. Some of the classmates, you're like, oh, God. I could have had her if I just would have stayed at theater rehearsal a little bit longer. I could have seen her on her way out. If I didn't get a two by four thrown at my head during Peter Pan.

What? Tech building. Did that happen to you? I threw a two by four and it bonked me in the head and i got a concussion we were building this set for peter pan he's like here put this two by he just whips it at you have a native vegetable sense oh you blame it on the you blame it on the bullying yeah bullying it made them look like little living creatures the theater bullying.

It made them look like little living creatures. No, but that did happen. I got bonked. And now I'm a weird guy. Then you started rapping. Concussion. Yeah. God, good thing you quit football.

Yeah. Yes, I would. I've already have jumped. if you know what i mean they don't jump they shoot themselves in the chest so their brains can be studied the reins get put onto the same bed that you've been sleeping on and then the bed analyzes that's what the brain for damage the pillow yeah that's why this pillow seems weird that's why it stabs into my head and slurps out my gray matter it jolts you a little bit yeah there's this little ekg going on uh yeah who else donna wayne gacy used to use that as a gamer tech that's so sick yeah i had a compton ass patrick compton ass never been have never stepped foot in the region compton ass terry i just loved compton ass terry oh who's that He was like a skateboarder guy.

Okay. He like hung out with Bam Margera and stuff. I think I don't remember now. Yeah. I just watched, uh, I just watched a video on YouTube about Bam his whole life. He was a pretty big deal.

I like 10. Yeah. He, he was great. Yeah. And then his only the only person that told it to him straight died in a big car crash and then he went off the deep end yep that's pretty much yeah nice that was a bit that was the video no i didn't know that he was like big deal skateboarder but also he was doing those doing those videos doing jackass like as a kid. He was like, oh, yeah, I'll have a skate video that has some funny parts in it.

And then like the neighborhood kids started sticking around for the comedy parts. They didn't all care about the skateboarding. And then all of a sudden, sudden fuck he's on his way yeah i think he was making way more for every bit in jackass than any of the other guys besides maybe knoxville yeah well yeah some of it he might have done already and then brought it to the table so maybe he was already just a star to a little extra smoke but then he had he said he had to like make shit film shit like every day for three years so that sounded rough that's when you start driving 200 miles an hour you're just

like fuck man i don't want to make another video where my dick gets cut off hey how about for this one how about for this one your dick gets cut off it's like god i don't know fellas i don't know if i want that to be uh a part of my legacy like all right well what if we what if we have a dog i heard a rumor that steve-o is gonna get giant implants oh yeah wouldn't that be cool no yeah now we're talking nurse the fellas they don't they can't lactate well i mean you could still suckle on them right but i don't know that that would be nurse the fellas let the fellas titty fuck ya? Welcome to Jackass. I'm Bam Margera, and this is

suckling my friends. It's just got them. Yeah. I don't know. God bless them. They still find a way. Sam and I were dying laughing watching the new Jackass. You guys should get them. You should have a goal where if you

get to a certain amount of patrons you guys get implants no no how about no come on i don't want i already have i've experienced being a man with breasts and it's not something i'm looking to lean into. I'm trying to. I need to eat less dairy, so I have less tit. You hate your fans, then? They would love for you to have giant breasts. They don't know what they want. Yeah, they don't want you to have giant implants.

No, they want me and Sam to do episodes together, and we're not good at it. He's busy. i'm allegedly busy he's watching a bunch of dragon ball z man some of the pictures of sushi that he shared made me a little hard it looked crazy over there like the best of the best. Yeah. That's where it all started for sushi back there. I'm over here eating Colorado sushi like a jag off. 7-Eleven sushi. Like a moron.

Yeah, I'm going to King Soopers. I thought you cared about the environment. Hi, sushi, please. Actually, this just in. Are you listening? I am. I don't. That's a joke.

You would get it if you listen to the show, which I don't. So I commend you. Breaking news. I stopped recycling and I bought almond milk. I'm a bad boy now. Nice. We were recycling at our apartment because the building owners signed up for it so you know we were taking advantage of it but a few years ago i remember reading about how like we were just like

giving all of our recyclables to china and paying them to take it off of our hands and then they just like put it out to sea they weren't recycling it they weren't you know they weren't i pay a guy to throw my trash into the river yeah so i was disillusioned but at least with the building owners paying for it it was like well it's the least i could do or whatever but now that we're in this house we would have to pay to recycle and it's a fucking scam and it's completely pointless so i was like i told megan a few days ago i was like i don't i think i'm done recycling i don't think i'm gonna like i still try to like not waste a bunch of shit or whatever but i don't think i'm gonna pay to continue to lie to myself and feel good about

recycling. And then my other thing was that I would get oat milk because it's the like least wasteful of the milks. And Sam's like, Oh, I'm the most, the best one. I drink three pints a day or whatever.

And I was like, yeah, that's rough, man. Cause almonds are like super wasteful with water and then today i was like a couple days ago i was like i'm getting uh hey honey i'm getting almond milk suck it the world suck at the environment oh i want to go over some more of your groceries i'm a bad boy now yeah we bought vegetables you bitch i'm saying i'm a bad guy now i'm bad i've been uh i took the red pill

yeah i'm just gonna throw shit out the window no i'm not gonna litter i will never litter i hate littering i'm not gonna be super wasteful but fucking if you're if you're paying to recycle i'll litter in a big city like who cares oh it sucks no it's gross not in colorado but like in a big city i'll litter who cares i don't like it i because those cities oh god they're already gonna be so gross and then to just have a bunch of people add to it it's i don't like that part i wish i wish people cared a little more about that because it's it's a what's it called there's it feeds itself that type of thinking it's not cyclical it's it's like a fucking snowball effect you have a bunch of people who don't care and then they make a bunch of people

not care that's not good and i have a bunch of people care about the right stuff though littering care about it recycling nope moving on we're gonna not worry about that part but what about if the system that you live in is actively trying to do the opposite of everything you care about yeah that's what i'm saying you have to you don't you don't beat yourself up too much i guess no matter what right amen amen but you hold yourself to a certain standard you can't just be and mine is that i'm glow mine is right the line is i can litter in a big city but i won't litter in beautiful nature it's pretty reasonable just litter a little i'll throw a little gum wrapper on the sidewalk in Queens. Who cares?

I'm littering here. I'm littering here. Yeah, who cares? I'm littering. You guys fucked this place up 200 years ago. I'm littering. Deal with it. The cats will eat it. I thought cats eat trash.

Tell Eric Adams. See if he gives a shit. He's lining his pockets. He's the new mayor of New York. He was a cop. And somehow he gives a shit. He's lining his pockets. He's the new mayor of New York. He was a cop. And somehow he was like, what's his name? Eric Adams. You didn't see the video

he did where he's like telling parents where their kids hide their drugs. That's very funny. It is very good. I think it was on John Oliver's show, but he made a video. He's like, yeah, your kids could have crack

anywhere. And he just rips open a teddy bear or whatever. Yeah, just telling parents where the drugs are and the guns are in their kids' rooms. He's like, sometimes their video games might have drugs in them. He also for sure lived in New Jersey.

He won, even though New York was like, you know, cops. We got to be done with so many cops. Cops are bad. We got to turn this shit around. And then they elected him to cop because the other people were like even crazier, richer asshole types. So it was kind of a lose-lose situation they had one guy there and no one cares i was gonna say they had one candidate who was like everybody can litter no more tickets for litter and just throw your shit wherever and

he was worse than the people cool no he wasn't cool about it he was like you know taking like a bite out of a cheeseburger and then just throwing it on the ground and you don't want to like step in a fucking burger on your way to a job interview unless you like step on two and then kind of use them as skates and then you get there faster. Wow. That is a pretty cool side effect of the pro-littering plan. Yes. Is that it would be easier to get around the city

on your greased up shoes. You wouldn't have to worry about getting gum on your shoe because you got a little hamburger sneaker cover. Yeah. To protect you. Your chopas. Chopas, huh?

Chopas. Are you still moving to Chicago or New York? What do you think? I'm staying. I'm staying right here. I forgot. I have squatters rights here now. Yeah, that's right. You're going to have the sheriff come tase you and then try to sue the sheriff's department for unlawful entry. Yeah.

Fort Collins sued a fat black sued. Fort Collins tased a fat black man in his own house. You're black in the story. Yeah. What if I decided that I'm black? Well, it didn't work for Dolezal i don't think it'll work for you yeah it did she's got an only fans and it's popping she's getting paid well are you gonna post whole pat uh no i don't think i'm black i'm not gonna do that i'm sorry it wasn't funny

you get tased and reporters and emts are like swarming you and you're like, I'm black. Tell everybody I'm black. Cops are dumb enough. They might fall for it. You get in trouble. You get in trouble. By who? You get canceled.

What are you doing? What are you doing in Texas? You and Kobos. What are you doing? uh what are you doing in texas you and kobos what are you we're doing a bunch of shows hey come out and see me and my comedy life partner kobos if you live in austin no we're doing a bunch of shows we're just talking this isn't time for plugs this is still january 11th through the 15th january 6th me and kobos were in Washington D.C. With the Proud Boys We were with Ariel Pink Was he there? And John Mouse

Yeah I remember everyone was pissed off At Ariel Pink for being there No I don't remember But you were there You would remember You're about to be in Austin And then you'll be're good you're about to be in uh austin and then you'll be in brazil you're gonna be you're gonna be protesting in brazil yeah big bolsonaro guy you you got you got hired you were on craigslist and they were like

wanted someone to fly to brazil and break some shit and you're like oh hell yeah i'm just singing about big brazilian booties come on now take me down jets to brazil baby i don't know any songs by that band i don't either but uh i've been meaning to check them out i think they're pretty good and you and kobos will be checking out the breakfast taco scene of austin texas and hanging kicking getting kicked out of whataburger at 2 30 in the morning now i'm gonna have to eat fucking vegetables because kobos is vegan now as of when january 1st uh for a while now well there you go colleen is trying to keep him around for some reason

she's not vegan it's just him oh I figured she was making him be healthier no no more eating whatever falls out of Patrick's mouth and whatever Corey yeah we had a symbiotic

relationship we were like Timon and Pumbaa you like to moan and do other stuff i can't think of what pumba would be but you get it uh you and kobos hooking up getting off he's the one that you banged in the in the house the camera caught it all you guys took a shower um no but if our patreon gets to a hundred thousand dollars we will suck each other off on video oh god i hope i hope it happens i hope you need to brother. No, you would hate it. No, I would gladly suck him off if I was getting $100,000 a month.

No way. It would fuck you up. You'd be like, who am I? You'd have such an increase in quality of life before you hit $100,000 a month that by the time you got there, you'd be like, I'm not sucking a dick for another $1,000 a month. Alright all right well then i'll lower it then there you go five grand a month yeah there you go that's

attainable once once you and kobos are splitting a teacher's well no not even a starting teacher's salary once you guys are each getting a starting teacher's salary a year yeah for doing nothing yeah that is true what you guys are doing is less than nothing yeah better if you did nothing at all it's the it's like a podcast where the people are just littering what else are you supposed to do on this shit whole planet right now content is garbage and i don't know uh we're partying got a party i guess uh you're going down to austin what the uh 11th through the 16th is that right 15th yeah you uh promoting the shows on instagram uh i don't know i don't care it's not my yeah it's not my i just didn't dare to do them watch out you know uh down there on sixth and anywhere near sixth uh you're not going to step on two hamburgers you're going to step on two different piles of vomit or fecal matter they

just they just blow everywhere down there they can't hang and then it's always like that down there yes it's crazy i've only been down there during south by southwest so i don't know yeah no i mean you'll be there during the week but it'll still be nuts there'll be a bunch of people losing their minds and screaming and uh riding those goddamn scooters so watch out for those because uh they'll be they won't be looking out for you you know what i mean we'll be on some asshole fishing with his kids just thinking about other funny things that really make you mad that he might see in texas oh yeah i hate when i hate when well i hate when

it's forced if it's a real thing that they enjoy great and if they don't litter while they're fucking doing it then that's a good part but i'm cleaning up these asshole families garbage uh of monument lake on the regular so please if you're gonna, don't leave a bunch of shit everywhere. Don't leave your Mountain Dew, your fucking Starbucks glass bottles. Pick them up. 100 years old. Yeah, I'm a tree, and I'm a part of this earth, and I'll be here a lot longer than these goddamn flesh mammals. So I want this place to look cool.

flesh mammals so i want this place to look cool before my branches before i can't picture time yeah i think trees vibe trees oh yeah there's a lot of vibing yeah there's vibing they fucking help each other out they lend nutrients to each other through their roots each other through their roots yeah yeah so that's pretty sick like if you ask me and have you ever had a squirrel laugh at you no they don't laugh are you okay buddy they uh they you're just falling asleep right now and you're being mocked at the park by squirrels what's happening in your life yeah they they mock you you're thinking they like to play no squirrels what's happening in your life they mock you you're thinking of crows no squirrels like to play crows laugh at you squirrels

especially if you have a dog around you they like to play this has been Patrick's nature hour whose dog do you have luring squirrels along yeah you had meho thank you for keeping meho alive he's my best friend did you add him did you have him for two weeks or what did you keep him alive for i think it was

like 10 days that's great yeah he's chill how much of his dog food did you eat not enough for anybody to notice just the wet stuff yeah you just put water in there like liquor bottles you're like oh yeah no he was hungry so he ate a lot of it and it's like why did you fill this back up with water it's just soggy dry food now so if he's like here's wet food here's dry food sometimes he likes dry food sometimes he likes wet food sometimes he likes it mixed together sometimes he wants to tell you i'm like what the fuck how's the dog gonna tell me what he he's not gonna order food what he showed he showed you though and what he snubbed right no i just forced him you just made him watch you eat it and you're like the more that i eat the

less for you what's the what's with this meaning dog food i don't eat dog food you like to eat there's onions in it just because i'm the new just because i'm the new uh gordy we will watch the toilet cam it's nothing but dog food it's mostly a live stream of that i it's there's a slight delay just in case i don't want to i don't want to see you die on there so what happens is uh i get an alert oh toilet video. And then I double check the bed. It's just a ring door camera in the toilet. I don't notice it. Yeah, there's a floodlight so that we can see everything real good,

even if you don't turn the light on in the bathroom. I'm surprised you haven't noticed before. But yeah, I check that. And then there's a delay. So I make sure that you didn't like pass away on the toilet. And then I look and yeah, less dog food, please eat some real stuff. Go to Whole Foods. I know there's one up there.

Whole Foods sucks. I hate going to Whole Foods. I'm a King Soopers man through and through. food sucks i hate going to whole foods i'm a king supers man through and through uh speaking of classic colorado shootings king super baby yeah stop by uh you can still see the terror in the checkout people's eyes uh it's underrated but it's in my top 10 for sure go to bed uh i should tell people i'll be in uh chicago at the end of the month i'm not doing shit until then i'm not recycling i'm not going out i'm not doing stuff uh until i go record my album at the lincoln lodge in Chicago, Friday, January 27th. No way.

No, I was going to do a set. So that's cool. Nice. Thank you to Christine Ferreira at the Lincoln Lodge for hooking me up so I could get in there. I'm very excited. Four by three productions recording a couple other comics.

So hopefully mine stands out and I i'll get that 100k a month so that i can start getting implants and whatnot sucking off sam wait i don't want to suck off sam i want if our podcast gets off you have to suck off each other no i'm thinking Kobo's. He's vegan. He won't smell as bad as you or Sam or Becker. You guys would all be way worse to suck. Kobo smells good all the time, surprisingly. And a tiny vegan. Oh, yeah, this is a free episode, but we have a Patreon as well. And we have a bunch of great episodes up on there.

Do you know how many, Becker? Probably 100. I don't know. 112 now. Fuck yeah. A bunch of great. Some of our best episodes are Patreon episodes. I think there's a pretty good split between the top 20,

I think, between the free and the page. So if you haven't checked them out, I'd say they're worth it. Five bucks a month gets you in there..com slash chubby behemoth uh thank you guys so much for listening sorry for the weird uh schedule and lack of episodes we'll get back on track as soon as sam is done terrorizing a once great nation they just lost their former prime minister. And then Sam goes over there and scares them and eat stuff. And, and then Emily gets over there,

dumps them. And everybody's like, what do we do now? You know, like we're no, but, uh, once they get back,

like two months in prison, what? That guy like built that gun and killed that guy. Didn't he just get like a slap on the wrist for months? There's no way. Why would he get off light? Everyone felt bad for him because the guy fucked over his mom. That's why he killed him.

I didn't hear about that because I'm not on 12 Chan or whatever. You're on whatever boards where you're getting tips. Yeah, you just get your news from Facebook because you're a whatever boards where you're getting tips yeah you just get your news from facebook because you're a boomer fire fauci uh yeah that is where i get my news uh vive bolsanaro the people have spoken nothing scares you more than the q anon shaman now he got more than two months didn't he so i don't have to worry about him for a while. All those retards got locked up. Yeah, they didn't hide their face like Pat did.

It didn't like a cop, like an off-duty cop get tased and die of a heart attack. There was a guy that tased himself in the balls. Is that who you're talking about? He died. I don't think he was a cop. That's hilarious, though. All right. Well, thanks, Patrick. Let's

say goodbye for now, but not forever. And thank you for listening. Happy 2023, everybody. We will talk to you again soon. Patrick, the storm is coming. Where we go on, we go

all. God damn it.