Chubby Behemoth - Playing Chicken

Episode Date: February 11, 2021

Hey Pops. PM Dawn to Stray Cats. It's Lurd. Chris Charpentier.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth.   Extra Episodes at https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

Okay, hey everyone, we are joined today by Dave Ross's roommate. It's true. Normally we don't prepare for the show, but Sam came in hot. H-O-T. It's fun to have fun. It is fun to have fun. We're joined as always by Chris Charpentier. Yeah, he's been on every

episode so far you guys love him constant presence chris charpentier i loom large even when i'm not there everybody knows you got uh you got a haircut recently huh it's true i did i'm not it was looking so big it was it was crazy uh when the dude cut it off when i went in and got a haircut he's like so what decide what made you decide to cut off all your hair and i was like that fucking pandemic why do you think idiot i didn't want all this hair to begin with i thought it was because you were auditioning for roles as a 1950s greaser greaser i wish dude that is the barber shop that i went to is it was super greased out chris remember when you were a greaser and you had a pompadour and you were into hot rods and low riders even though you weren't hispanic that's true yeah yeah what was that all about it's a cool look I still am I still think

it's a cool look no you do not you're lying I do you kidding me uh I absolutely think it's a cool look I still have some of the shirts those people like they like four things and they they let everybody know everywhere they go what they're into every time that's right upright bases pomade snapping cigarettes yeah snapping their fingers knives that uh pop out of somewhere you didn't know was a knife that's right calling anybody older than you pops hey pops let me get one of them crazy beers that is from the wild bunch and me and clay ate mushrooms when we were in like high school and we were flipping channels and the guy said that to a shopkeeper and i wet the wicker chair i was sitting in i was laughing so hard hey pops let me get one of them crazy beers like

he said it like it was the coolest thing anyone had ever heard all the girls around him started doing you know the worm or whatever uh even though it was the 50s they were ahead of their time what is a crazy beer i don't know it probably probably like a ginger ale yeah it's probably a cream soda a root beer that's already been shaken up so that the bubbles don't hurt your mouth too much. Yeah. One of my old girlfriends and I were watching something real old, like 50s. I don't remember what it would have been. But they called, one of them offers another one a beer by going Bevo.

And so we used to call them Bevos. That's pretty fun yeah that's yeah you got a bevo in your hand right now you sure that she wasn't offering her friend a sweet slice of pussy hey hey best friend hey cousin lily you want some of this bevo and then she just gapes it open this was This is like beach blanket bongo or something. She puts her hand in there and says, room for one more. Yeah. Want to go clam diving?

Just. Hey, check out my glove box, mama. Let me get one of those cool veg. So what's Bev checkchak, everyone? I got Stillwater. Whoa! Call me Jason Lee or Billy Crudup, because I've got some

Stillwater. Wow. I see, Becker, you had a Gatorade. Was that a zero? No, I'm not ever healthy. Yeah, Strawberry Kiwi. Nice. Damn, strawberry, kiwi. Nice. Damn, your teeth are going to fall out.

I went Coors Light tonight. I haven't had a beer in a while, but I figured, hey, I'm hanging out with the boys. I'm going to have a beer. Yeah, man, crack it, slurp it, dump it. That's what I said. I'm on the jug. Say what up to the jug, fam?

What is that thing? I can't get it. Hold on. Let me lick it. Let me lick the rim. Yeah, do a good job. You have a jug. Use it.

Play it. Short bursts. Short bursts. This is the worst pod ever me trying to learn how to play the jug and you yelling at me you've had a jug for what the last couple days and you haven't tried to blow on it yet you're saving it saving it for when we're live literally this is one of the better ones damn i like a critical listener of a pod those of them are garbage but i stick around just like when sam's learning antiquated instruments remember when he picked up that saw and sang a song for the

civil war soldiers that was good oh lon where'd you get that saw that's a mouth saw yeah it's like a miniature saw so it doesn't sound as good as a big old big old bendable saw but let me see if i can do the mouth didgeridoo that's pretty good right that was pretty good dude did your thing on your zoom say playing music question mark no mine does rocky really yeah you're so proud of yourself you were making music we fooled soon yeah well you know it's tough that was one of my only skills i had until about 22 was mouth didge

guess how much pussy that got me that's why claire kept you around the answer is none got you got you no didge your mouth didge got you no female didge it got me no bevo give me that bevo two slices hey aunt karen let me get some of that bevo my me and my boys are coming over and we're coming in hard we're gonna be in the garage somebody was uh a guy at my work was saying sharpie has a story go ahead right a guy at my work uh a guy at my work was like uh i found a porn mustache like he was talking about when he was a kid finding his first porn mustache and it was on the laser disc whoa yeah i was like that's hilarious he found steven spielberg's pornstack. I don't even, I guess he must have had a laser

disc player too. Instead of jaws, it was jaw. Okay, so Chris, this is the segment where we have you tell a story. I did already. Oh shit, we didn't follow the playbook. Yeah. Peppered me with questions throughout. You should have. I wonder if he ever put his dick in the hole of that laser disc. Did they have a hole?

Yeah. I mean, it was like a record player looking kind of thing. Or do you mean in the middle of the laser disc itself? Yeah. Or the laser disc player? No, no. I don't think the laser disc player had a built-in pussy yours didn't i didn't because i'm not old like you guys they never had a laser disc player your dad had a laser disc player and you fucked it that's no that's definitely what happened that's cool you got your dick stuck in it you're like dad how do you work this thing dad this digital bevo is fucked i'm trying to watch the warriors and uh my shit is

stuck no we had a vcr that i would fuck all the time your dad seems like the kind of guy who would have had a laser disc sam no but we my dad had a friend who went all in on laser disc and when they went under he was like out tens of thousands of dollars because he invested. He bought every LaserDisc there was. He had 20. He thought he was going to be able to sell them and make his money back and then some. Yeah, we didn't know how much money it was until the suicide note was published in the paper. But it was bad news.

Now, London, I'm sure you got one for your eighth birthday, right? Yeah. After the newness, after the craze, the initial craze had died down. Otherwise, I would have gotten one for my fourth birthday, but I was patient. And, you know, I had my records. I had my good time rock and roll.

I had my Coltrane discs. Coltrane discs coltrane uh eps little lun just blasting mingus and he's like this shit's too far out give me some limp biscuit i was a little turd i was i was listening to to the top like to the just to the popular hip-hop of the day. It's like, you know, Dr. Dre, Snoop. I figured it was like when you were a kid, like Cool Moe D. The Classics. PM Don. Fat Boys.

I like the Fat Boys. I like PM Don. i'm sure you do what are you talking about this is sharpie's controversial stance segment you gotta revisit those because i think when we were younger it didn't sound as good because we wanted the we wanted uh fat beats like hard and hardcore raps. Is that what we wanted? Yeah, gangsta shit. When we were 10, Sharpie and I were the same age. That's true. You didn't know what you wanted.

Sharpie and I, we knew exactly what we wanted. And I was listening to hip-hop at a young age and then transitioned out of that. But I think it was PM Don that made me stop listening. You're the only guy who ever went from pm don to the stray cats it's been a it's been a wild ride folks so sharpie fun update lun's dad died that's i knew that already i talked i talked to my other best friends and uh we talked separate

I talked to my other best friends. Yeah, we talked separate. Sharpie called me just like happy to talk to me. And I thought he was calling because he had heard that my dad had passed. So he called and I was like, oh, hey, man, how's it going? And he was thinking that he was going to be like, oh, I just heard. I'm sorry. And instead he was like, hey, just checking in.

What's up, dog? And I was like, oh, you don't know anything about what I've been dealing with so that's cool and i had to like bring him down yeah big time brought me way down i came in hot ready to have some fun and then you ruined my day thanks a lot one i was like i was like i need a shoulder to cry and you're like let me pull over and i was like okay and then he was like let me pull up my pants. And I was like, geez, well, must have been a nice day in Southern California. Top down, bottoms down. He sawed the roof off his car. Hey, man, I'm into that pompadour lifestyle.

You got to cut the top off your car. Oh, I forgot. Well, also Sharpie is a solar man that's right uh and i thought he worked in like solar panels but actually he just goes outside and gets sunburned for eight hours a day and they connect wires to his nipples i butter myself up and then i just sit there and take it in ooh lobster style. And then somehow it turns into energy somewhere. I don't really pay attention to the science part of it.

If I had to pick one of my friends to butter up, I would butter up Lund. I'd get to shave him first. That would be pretty fun. Nope, sorry, Urist. I'd butter up Urist. There was some controversy when it comes to a historical buttering up from our past which was

uh when the broncos won the super bowl and alex creasy got all greased up he shared a photo and sam tried to take credit for this he was like oh my greatest creation the best idea i've ever had and i'm a father of four and yeah this was the best day of my life her friend chris baker was was like uh i don't think so i was the one that has the patent on greasy greasy is that true he took he claims credit he stole valor for greasing up alex creasy hey now it was it was like an eight-person operation talking creasy into that when he was drunk that day it was a team effort sam was just the one who i think rallied seven of those people yeah i found the giant gallon jug of grease yeah and was like you

know who would look good all slippery and yellow you You know who we should give the Hong Kong treatment? Alex Creasy. Yeah. Baker said it was his idea? Yeah. What a loser. What a little fucking pig. Also, you're revisioning it, too.

It was a bag of grease that we had to cut the corner off of. We got to cut the corner off of. Well, yes. I bit the corner off and I wheezed the juice. Yeah. One gave it to Pauly Shore. Okay. So you have a bag in your memory.

This is like the Mandela effect. Well, I was bone sober. I'd been at Chorito, so I'd maybe smoked a little bit of flour. See, the way I remember it, it wasn't even when the Broncos won the Super Bowl. It was when Kelly Clarkson won American Idol. It was when Prince died. Yeah, we were like, how do we celebrate? You've tried to mark several occasions with greasing up a friend with something.

You've always got a great idea wait a minute there's a there's a whole bunch of canola oil in the fridge uh and princess diana just passed right after your dad died nathan he called me up and he was like you want to get greasy that's how he it's how he comes now's not the time. I know what'll cheer Nathan up. Sharpie, get in the bathtub. And then Len was like, guys, I was already cheered up. This was good news. I'm on cloud 10.

That's weird. I thought about it. You guys, well, the two of and bobby have all alive parents and uh you're both of your sets of parents are still married as mine were uh you're were both of your sets of parents together from like high school or me yeah oh uh my mom would like just got out of high school and my dad was in the military your dad was a general

he was 35 your dad was 50, your mom was 22 no, my dad was 50 my mom was 17 yeah, and your mom was in that mom was in that village that your dad saved from the Viet Cong

liberated he kicked open the door Mom was in that village that your dad saved from the Viet Cong. Liberated. Yeah, liberated. Excuse me. He kicked open the door, blew away her family, and then was like, hey, you want to get ice cream? And she was like... The rest is history. I'm not going to say what she was like. We're not trying to get in trouble here.

Let's get your mom to do an impression of Sharpie's mom. My mom? Yeah. Yeah. of get in trouble here let's get your mom's yeah let's get your mom to do an impression of sharpie's mom my mom yeah she's been working on it it'd be spot on sharpie is your mom's name julie no well my mom can't say her name then that's not not an impression. That's your idea of an impression. You always think a good impression is where somebody says their name over and over. Your mom can't say my mom's name? My mom can't say my name. If she could say your mom's name, I'd be pissed. And also it'd be a miracle. We'd put it in her word journal.

And also it'd be a miracle we'd put it in her word journal. Yeah, my mom can say Julie, David, little girl, your little girl. That's what she calls Emily. She calls me the big man. She doesn't recognize me half the time. She's always trying to tip me whenever I open her car door. You take the money? Of course.

Good. You gotta use it to buy her more weed. Yeah, she's a doper. Heard that. She gets high as hell. She gets really high, and then she whispers. So, like, she'll take a big rip of her weed, her weed pen, and then she'll hold it in. And then she'll go.

And then she just starts giggling and coughing. She'll go. Like she just pulled one on the tax man. Yeah. Oh. And then she'll be like uh julie and everyone in the room is like are you talking to me i'm trying to get my mom on ambient apparently ambient is good for stroke survivors that was a thing or uh when she first was trying to figure out what might help, right? Yeah. She just ate all the Ambien and went to bed.

She was like, this rocks. I'm out. What's the deal? You're supposed to, like, if she were to take something else to keep her awake, she would have the benefits without just getting knocked out. Yeah, I want my mom to do an old person speedball. That's what I'm into. I want her to take some Ambien, smoke a little rock,

and then be able to say my sister's name and not mine because I'd be jealous. No, I just think she doesn't go to sleep. That's the trick. So we'll give her some Ambien, then I'll just spray her with a hose whenever her eyes get heavy. Squirting my mom, that'd be fun. Over.

You're doing really good camera work, Sam. That's going to be great for the pod yeah but i'd say 70 of that story i saw most of your forehead and that's better oh sorry how's this it's a little bit better are you laying down yeah i'm i'm in bed you're laying down and you have the microphone resting on your body it's not resting i'm holding it okay he's actively podcasting yeah i'm a part of this in a prone position hey i know i just trying to figure out your 2d you know so i'm trying to figure out the dynamics here because you look very funny we all can't be in our roommates podcast studio all right hey we're in my podcast studio butththole. This is my room. Oh, really? That's why there's not any photos of Dave Ross in it.

Can you see that back there? There's a sock on the door. Podcasting. No, there's a basketball hoop on the top of the door, dog. Oh, hell yeah. How did you get that up there? It's pretty high up there. I asked Dave.

Dave got it up there. Like, hey, buddy, can you put this on top of my door, please? That's sick. It's fun. I'm hoping pretty soon we'll be able to dunk on it but so far it's been lots of lots of three-pointers you know what's tough about that basketball hoop is it's hard to arc a high sweet one in there because the roof is always so low that's very true i'm getting a lot of uh popcorn from my ceiling into my bed that's fun yeah it's pretty fun next thing you know you're gonna have creasy over there and chris baker's gonna be like i have a good idea that was mine and no one else's listen to this cool thing i

thought of because i'm the king of fun it's me the leader he's all mad it's just an insane thing to steal valor for you probably weren't yeah which you stole from you're both trying to steal it from some third party that doesn't that isn't around anymore yeah it was uh well eva's idea uh-huh thanks for no selling me lond i was drinking i'm trying to stay hydrated and i I want to keep burping throughout the podcast. That's my angle. It's crazy, Becker, that you took Baker's back on that. On what?

On him thinking it was his idea to grease up Alex Greasy. On Greasegate. Yeah, Greasegate. I took the position that I also saw that he did this online. There were like eight people talking Creasy into doing it. Yeah, but who was the coolest one that had the best moves? I think you were the group leader. Thank you.

Maybe Chris thinks he came up with the chant. I don't know. I think Chris thinks he invented Alex Creasy and that only he can see him. It's a drop dead fred situation yeah like baker ever had a good idea that inspired the legions i'm wearing a mile high sci-fi shirt and so i was gonna ask for some mile high sci-fi memories and sam talking about impressions just reminded me that when Sam and I did Demolition Man, I ended up doing a pretty good Sylvester Stallone. And Sam hated the fact that I could do it. And so he kept trying to do his impression. And it was awful.

And I was like, you have to stop. Like, you know, when we actually do the show show don't try to do your impression it's not good it's not going to get better somehow during the movie and of course every time i started to try to do mine he would interrupt with his awful impression and uh we got booed out of the building no i was just trying to save the show that's all because you had a good impression but you weren't saying anything funny you you tried to sabotage the whole thing instead of letting me have a moment in the sun instead of you letting getting you letting you have one laugh that's not true i let you shine there was an agent there from hollywood and he was scouting sylvester

stallone talent and you submarine my ass. Hey, do your Sylvester Stallone. You went limp. I don't have it anymore. I lost it because you took it from me and you hit it in the dark. Here, I'll do mine and you see if yours is better. I'd like to at least hear it.

Sylvester Stallone. Yeah. Yeah, you've been working on it because it was awful four years ago. It's me, Sylvester Stallone. Yeah. You've been working on it because it was awful four years ago. As me, Sylvester Stallone. I'm Nathan Lund's hero. What of it? I kept doing mine and then you'd start doing

Ray Romano and I was like, he's not in this movie. It doesn't make sense for you to do your Ray Romano right now. You piece of shit. My favorite part of Mile High sci-fi was whenever Harrison, the original host, would say, whenever somebody would list a couple of things, like there's blood and hair and whatever in here.

And he'd be like, blood, hair. And he'd be like, shit, piss, cum. You know, he said, shit, piss, cum. And it made me laugh every time. Shit, piss, cum. And that's why he wanted to have 15 writing meetings for every movie, so he could come up with gems like that. Hey, shit is good.

And we got to hang out and I got to look at his guns and stuff. Those were pretty fun. Yeah, my favorite part of my life sci-fi was when Harrison brought his gun to every show for some reason. That was my favorite. He would pull it on the guy behind the ticket counter and be like, cash receipts, you little bitch. He was always locked and loaded he always had like four guns it was never just like one no they have like two on behind either shoulder he'd always have like a funny jacket that had you know the perfect little pockets for several guns

i remember asking him to not bring his gun into my house anymore. I was like, I promise you aren't going to need it in my house. And meanwhile, cut to Bloodsmith, who's sharpening a sword upstairs and tying a bandana around his head. Crazy times. That house, man. That big green house was a real place a real place was a real thing we had a lot of fun there man so many great memories truly i was thinking about it the other day

uh when uh that when you tried to do the goddamn pogo stick stick we've talked about that on the pod but it's the funniest thing of all time sam talent getting on a pogo stick number one memory i'll go down in history in the spring just didn't spring yeah i want i want a somehow a gif of sam on a pogo stick on my tombstone. I want my tombstone to say no fat chicks. Oh, yeah. We had fun on Instagram because Sam, I shared a chubby behemoth post. That was a picture that I saw. I took it in a cemetery.

It was hilarious. It had a tombstone that said butts. And then behind the tombstone that said butts, there was a tombstone that said dick. And it's so hilarious. I turned it into a post that says, listen to chubby behemoth and then on my own page i shared several pictures that i took including that one at the cemetery and sam goes oh shit the the tombstone picture is oc and i was like yeah you thought that i googled funny tombstones i was inspired wouldn't you wouldn't you have been so embarrassed if i googled that and

that was my hot idea for another social media post no i would have thought you were inspired but it's even better that it was original content well yeah i think that's the only way that flies in my house is if if it's real also i was in you i was in your car we were driving by that graveyard when i was down there and you didn't stop to show me dick butts i didn't know i hadn't been in there yet megan and i just went in there surely that's gonna be the big tourist stop now yeah that that would be funny i could yeah the graveyard right by the dump put them on on the map. Try to charge some bucks. Absolutely. Might as well. Yeah, it was a good

cemetery. We got to laugh at a couple of grieving families. I guess that secret Masonic handshake wasn't enough to cure black lung, bitch. What about a guy named Semen Terryry how about that i love it did baker

have that idea first what are you honking on over there me yeah nice nice no you have some weird pen too oh this thing he's got a hash pen he's got a old school bowl he's got a gas mask bong DMT vape he's got a freon tank he's just sucking on

damn you got so many cool intoxicants going on I'm getting fucked up dude I don't give a shit about this podcast for sure and anything else you know it was fun the fucking exercise bike hard oh nice yeah i was just in the weight room serious like 45 minute hard right how's your balls and taint fine yeah you guys are both working out i ate a bunch of starbursts and i took a nap for an hour that's been my form of self-care we all grieve differently i'm in the i'm in the middle of a bet where i have to lose 10 pounds by when 15th the 15th and i'm five pounds away so you're fucked you better go throw

up right now dude yeah quit drinking that beer hey i'm having a fun night for the first time in hawaii what happens if you don't lose the weight? You have to jerk a guy off? I get to jerk a guy off and then I have to pay him $40. So that's if you win the bet. No. If I win the bet, I get to jerk him off.

So what? Who's the bet winner? My boss. Oh, your boss. That's what we're calling them. No, it's my boss oh your boss that's what we're calling them no it's my boss right right right your boss my boss mario yeah mario all right whoops sorry uh you know what was fun at your house sharpie you know first of all i can help you lose the weight you need to get it you need to start wearing trash bags under your

clothes under my clothes yeah so you're gonna have like a whole sweatsuit on all day yeah that's right and then get some chewing tobacco and you're gonna just chew tobacco all day and you're going to spit and you're going to lose every ounce of water weight out of your body i let's pretend that i'm not going to do any of that what is the other option just don't drink water or eat food you could have your dick spit out all of the cum in your body that would be a similar thing but with uh with a little more fun involved interesting yeah you get all dry and brittle is it get all crusty because you don't have any jizz inside of your bod have you been weighing yourself with your clothes on uh yeah we well we'll get the big weigh-in is at work okay so the trick with that way on weigh-in is is you need to strip completely nude in front of your boss and he's not gonna look and then you can just say whatever weight you have you whatever you need to be at oh that's a good idea because he's not gonna peak

when you got your when your dangler out that's true however i don't think they're gonna let me get all the way down to my dangler out why not work it seems like a violation of some sort of policy yeah but don't you work in pretty much like a fucking carnival tent not at all no no i work in a nice old place okay people had me for a nice job now i got a nice job now with nice people oh yeah as opposed to your old terrible jobs you had like when you worked in a blueprint shop at a giant architecture firm what a hellhole that was no dick face the last five years that i've been doing construction yeah but you love doing construction remember how you'd always be like and then randy said this and he's so funny

just laying on your bed with your hands underneath your chin and your feet kicking up behind you. Yeah, he liked building the house because of all the construction crew gossip. Yeah, all the catcalling. Who's courting? Who's going out on the third date at this point? She's got the bricklayers

hanging out with the roofers. That was always really fun when they'd intermix. You never knew what was going to happen. Yeahers that was always really fun when they'd intermix you never knew what was gonna happen uh yeah it was always a it was a fun time i loved it i love the prison work now sharpie where do you work now what's the name of your job oh i can't say that i mean i think the people want to know uh it's called groundwork and it's a solar and what's the address he's gone full larry king if that microphone is real larry king microphone we're joined here by chris charpentier

it's sound like jack barton you're using your jack barton for your larry king impression let's hear it one more time for jack barton the guy with so little time left and then he just constantly went long i never tell you that story sharpie no i was doing a show for terry barton greg and her dad was on the show and he was wearing a little sailor's cap you know because he's lost his mind um he didn't know where the fuck he was i mean she's old so yeah jack's got to be asian he's he's he's so old and he's on stage you know doing a bunch of laffy taffy jokes and the crowd's like he's a hero you know thank a bunch of laffy taffy jokes and the crowd's like he's a hero

you know thank you for liberating spain or whatever um and it was his idea to free the slaves yeah uh and then like halfway through his set he says let's hear it one more time for jack barton which is his name. So he gave himself an applause break by saying, let's give me an applause break in the third person. One more time for young upstart kid dynamite Jack Barton.

The future of comedy. Me, Jack Barton. Jack Barton. Who remembers that young upstart earlier tonight? Oh oh boy what a ball of lightning you guys have both have pretty normal or at least easy names to pronounce nobody's ever really fucked up your name coming on stage have they uh i got like sam talentis one time

that was on the that was on the poster that was hilarious oh that was on the like sam talentis one time that was on the that was on the poster that was hilarious oh that was on the poster sam talentis it was a greek it was a greek bar so they made everybody greek for the night i remember i did a i did a black room and they called me like baby don't worry like sam baby don't worry. Like Sam, baby, don't worry or something. And that was fun. It was like Sam, cold water, Moe Betta or something like that. Keep going. Keep going with it. Do you have any more? Yeah.

Come on. Keep digging. Sam, play it. Don't worry. It's going gonna get funny keep digging deep enough it's gonna get funny somehow LL Sam T

yeah Cool Mo T Sam X so Sharpie you were talking about having a fun last name oh I was just curious about it Sam X? So Sharpie, you were talking about having a fun last name. Oh, I was just curious about it. That's all. I have a cool as hell last name, right?

I'm the man. Oh, fuck. I wish I remembered. Remember when we were in... You weren't there, Sharpie. We were in Missouri with Wayman. Or maybe you were there. He was there. They were like, hey, or maybe you were there. He was there.

They were like, hey, Nathan's going up next. How do you pronounce his last name? Is it Lund or Lurd? I was there. Me and you and Bobby were like, it's Lurd. And then Lund, the guy would have to bring up london he's like hey keep going over your next hilarious comic he's one of my best friends

nathan lurd and the first thing lund said was like oh good there's four people there so i'm pissed yeah you're missing your baby and then he fucks up my name and i'm double pissed yeah it's me lurd what's up it was funny because we had written down our name so it was him like not knowing if the n was at r and say come on man i fucking wrote it down it wasn't in cursive neither i wrote it good obviously not lared lared lared sucks lared the nerd what's up lared the turd have you heard the turd is the word very lared larry bird impersonator.

Larry Bird. Bird lives. Man, a Larry Bird impersonator. What a shitty job that would be. Yeah, you're just always opening up Quiznos. You're cutting the ribbon. You have to spin a basketball on your finger for sure. Just like a tall, ugly guy.

I'll do it. Oh, man. That same guy's also a Michael Jordan impersonator. He just puts on blackface. He's like, hey, look, I drew a face on the back of my head. So if you want to be both of them at once, I can. They can play each other. It shouldn't have been Magic Johnson.

That would have been funny. Is that true? Yeah, Magic Johnson and Larry Bird. So this is the segment where Sharpie punches up the vets. Where I get in there with my sports knowledge. Listen to my podcast, Sports Bullies the Game. Now, Sharpie, people have been talking about this podcast. It's taken the world by storm. That's's right what is the name of this podcast it's called sports bullies

the game and you can hear it here on itunes anywhere you listen to podcasts buddy now if you feel like having yourself a stroke come on over listen to the show now david van huysen uh davy van baby yeah so the industry hates this guy do you know why uh why the industry hates him yeah what happened there because you've always been an industry darling everyone loves you but this van huysen guy box office poison well i think it's because he's too funny maybe too handsome we all know that's not true what's the real deal there syracuse university oh he went to syracuse he's an orange man that's right they don't like that orange man bad but they must have gotten sick of the orange man bad narrative because it's like come on why you got to bring down the orange that's right and i of course i'm kidding david van huysen hilarious david van baby's the funniest

guy around well that's insane but okay he's very funny he's a silly boy he's an animal yeah but i'm right here it's like a path that's right you are right there he's a funny guy sam you're in the top 10 but david stands alone uh he's on a pedestal made of gold he's a regular chris baker we are we like that small town life we're in three very different uh areas of civilization because i'm in a town of 8500 sam you're in uh you know a gentrified sprawling suburbia of what like 200k what do you mean it's gentrified yeah all the white people ran out all the black people from fort collins it was a real it was the harlem of the north in Colorado Fort Collins yeah Fort Collins early settlers

were union busters and they bought up all the land and they redlined the shit out of it yeah I forgot about that that's why you were able to buy up a bunch of property up there is your practically pure bloodline yeah no one's allowed to lay down any

you're white passing and then sharpie in the sprawling metropolis of los angeles county that's right so yeah three different three millions and millions of people it's insane over here y'all just crazy you've never seen anything like this there's been there have been people and couples and families of four that are just passing through sharpie's bedroom because there's so much population there's just nowhere for people to walk yeah someone just walked out of sharpie's closet trying to sell tamales they're good tamales too i bought them before not this time there's another guy there's another guy behind you that's also podcasting. That's not even Dave.

He's on his room podcast. Right. It's crazy out there. He's started two podcasts since this podcast has started. Which is real crazy. Because he was already running 12 podcasts. I think he's up to 14 podcasts. Because he was already running 12 podcasts.

I think he's up to 14 podcasts. The Tamale guys got a podcast with a small but growing listenership. Tamale and about. It's more than Sports Bullies the game. It's Tamale's RS. I listen to Sports Bullies, and I don't understand why people aren't tuning in by the thousands. It's a fun time, and we put in a lot of work you guys share the uh the the burden for each episode or do you switch off uh if there's this

there's it depends uh dave van baby does a lot of the editing uh 100 of the editing and all of that kind of stuff so uh i often that is a lot of it that is almost the lion's share all of it is almost all of it seemingly every bit of it um yeah so i end up doing a often i will write it uh but we switch back and forth we write some of them it doesn't matter oh no our fans our friends like a deep dive on an on a on another podcast hey listen to this yeah yeah listen to this give me one you guys hear that yeah it was barely yeah i know that sucked sounding like one of mine no better burn than somebody small ass that sounded like one of one of theirs yeah small little tight dolphin ass somebody healthy today at work maybe there was some big truck driver came and uh what was really funny is somebody

was like damn that guy looks like a truck driver and this dude looked like a truck driver it was perfect truck driver guy and all the guys were out at work blah blah blah anyway at some point truck driver guy was like is there anybody small here and like looked around and it was like dude there's only one person here that's like under six foot it was like come on just ask me you don't have to is there anybody small here you fucking dickhead is there a tiny in the house i need you to get up and climb up to the top it was was like, here I go. Fucking stupid. That reminds me of when I was trying to grease up Creasy. And I was like, is there anyone dumb enough and desperate enough for attention here to get covered in popcorn grease?

Creasy was like, I'm standing right here, man. You don't have to be cute about it. And Baker just saw dollar signs. And he's like, this is my anecdote now you should have greased up baker we could have fucking thrown him like a curling puck i don't know who's grease lighting who but there is some alternate history in here you know what was a fun time at your house sharpie was detours and bees remember that oh yeah yeah you had all those detour flowers it was just covered in bees and we hang out back there bees galore that backyard was dope except for at night when you'd have these beautiful blooming flowers that only bloom at

night which is very cool and then they're covered in bees. And there are so many bees. Night bees. Day bees, night bees. Tons of bees. The turd is poison. Bees, if you're allergic, they can kill you. That's right. It was a dangerous time.

We used to play, was it roof ball? Where you had to catch the ball coming off the roof? You couldn't give that a name. It was too pure. It was beyond a name. We would throw that ball up there and try and get it to bounce into the chiminea. And the only one who did it was Chris Baker.

No, it was me. It was me, Sam T. Honestly, that really pissed me off off i hated that you made that of course you and bobby were both pissed yeah yeah that was like a big and still kind of my thing i like i really like making shots and uh doing things like that it's big love throwing stuff trying to make things hit things big Big, big thing of mine. Getting an Instagram DM from Sharpie is the best because it's going to be either a fat woman falling down the stairs, holding her father's ashes. Or it's going to be like a 13 year old scuba diving and also making a three pointer somehow. It's just trick shots and like calamity

that's pretty much it those are my favorite things yeah lately it's been a lot of jugglers i've also been really into watching jugglers oh no good ones or bad yeah yeah really fails no no no good jugglers the best of the the best. The best of the best. Or the guys that are new on the scene. That's what I like. Hot young talent. There's a scene? Hell yeah. And it's fire, dude. You gotta

check it out. People are doing wild stuff. Resting stuff on their face in the middle of it. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Yeah, dude. Imagine throwing balls and one of the balls is just resting on your head in between i can't imagine it you'll see some shit there's some people out there doing crazy stuff like 15 balls juggling 15 balls at once get the fuck out of here. That reminds me of my freshman year wrestling.

Juggling 15 balls in your mouth? Yeah, a bunch of them resting on your forehead. Right, all my holes were fucking packed tight. It was like someone was trying to sneak luggage onto a spirit flight. Rolled up t-shirts.

Plugging you up that's the move you gotta roll them shits up and put them up your ass yeah hide them in a freshman I remember one time I was at sharpie's house remember fidesz yeah remember her she was cute she came to our show uh we were at a party at your house and we both slept on the couch her and me and like i tried to make a move on her and she was like, no, no, I'm just cold. She wanted you to be on top of her like a blanket.

Yeah, no, she just like curled up into me like a baby panda. The most weighted blanket of all time. Yeah. I like tried to give her a smooch and she was like, no, I'm just cold. That was real sobering you were also degrees all the time yeah the house was full of sobering moments man you're telling me i i went up uh there was a night after going out, getting in a fight with a gal.

Not like a physical fight. You punched a woman. That's right. Right in the fucking belly. So hard to put her down. Handle a body shot. She was all distracted by the right hand. Oh, she thought it was coming to the face.

Bam, in the belly. She was... Caught her on an in-breath. She probably still out of breath. Anyway. She crapped out her IUD. Then you were like, game on. Game on. Like a mouth harp.

He got out the jug whoa that's just you blowing you're blowing the air over her pussy I wanted to ever hear any better I'd do the Georgia the jungle theme seems like the time to do that. Anywho, this gal, we had had an argument. I was pretty sure that we had broken up.

You know, she was yelling in the street. What was her address? I don't remember her address, but she was yelling at me, Chris Sharper, do you have a small penis in the middle of the street. There's lots of people around. She's just screaming it. I was like, I'm pretty sure that means we broke up. You know, so I went out of the ring stop.

So I went and had a drink. We were out like already. We were out in bars and stuff. So I just continued out. And then at some point i got to my house and i went upstairs uh to my room in that big green house had that big cool room and i went into my room uh and i tripped and fell over her and she had broken into the house and wanted to say sorry and fell asleep on my floor waiting for me to come home.

And then she blew up on Twitter. Yikes. Yep. You had, you've always had some pretty good luck with, with some hot pieces of tail. Honestly, I don't know that I'd call it luck.

I'm a handsome person. I'm very charming. No, you're right about that, man. You're right. So, snap that up your huge ass. Roll it up like a t-shirt. Now, we've talked about this a couple times on the pod sharpie how mad were you when you awoke

probably a half hour before you had to go to work you wake up you're nude you have to work in the morning at the architecture firm you wake up naked to six of your best friends giggling while also mooning you back what were you feeling i was in the red which is i don't know i'll be honest i think with you guys it's the only time that's ever happened yeah i've never really been mad i was fucking furious i was ready to fight all of you right there you started punching all of our asses i was fucking so mad yeah that was that was one of those as soon as you woke up it was like oh no what have we done yeah that was another sobering moment for sure. We talked ourselves into the dumbest shit.

And then it wasn't until you were pissed that we realized how dumb it was. Yeah. And that was like, we thought that was going to be a really good idea too. That was definitely a real drunk. Like this is going to be funny. He's going to love this. Yeah. Didn't love that. We also planned it like the great escape yeah i didn't know a lot of i didn't know a lot of work went into it before oh yeah there was like an hour and a half of discussion about

just how funny it was going to be oh boy mate balding was among those asses too that was the weird part balding's weird ass i i do remember and correct me if i'm wrong that after that i was like get the fuck out of here and you guys all left and then you left the house because you felt so bad you just were like we're gonna leave the house completely yeah and something happened where you guys were still roughhousing on the street and somebody's pants like got ripped almost completely off like the butt got ripped completely out of somebody's pants right so bobby was wrestling me remember on that green strip on park avenue along the side because i think we were

walking to like pete's for breakfast or something. We were probably going to Pete's because it was 530 in the morning. Yeah. And we'd just woken up Sharpie with all of our butts at once. I mean, what was the long con there? What was the payoff? It was like, he's going to see all six of our butts. And then what?

He's going to like do a 360 butt slap and then bow you guys rule thanks so much all right i'm gonna go back to bed for 12 minutes because i'm the only one that has a job so could you tell the difference between lun's butt and his face did you think it was five butts and lun bending over to say hi i mean sure p there was like i remember going in there and being like okay guys this is what we've been planning for and i think the code word was like cowabunga we didn't count down one two three it was like there was a word that someone was that i said and then

oh yeah chris baker said you're saying no this is you again trying to take the lead oh whose idea was it that was a team effort for sure so excited to take credit for this yeah like one of the most our friendship i think it was my idea to be like oh it was me it was my idea to drop trial that's the only part i can appreciate i agree no so we were walking up the the side of park avenue and me and bobby was bobby was wrestling me and of course i took him down because i was you know all state and so instead of yeah instead of him just taking it and lying down he grabbed on to the back of my pants i'm trying to explain how it was bobby's on his back and his face is right underneath my butt

and i'm walking the other way so my back is to his face and he held onto the crotch of my pants and i was dragging him like a turtle dump truck along the side of park avenue while he was scream laughing and then yeah he ripped out the crotch of my pants exposing my entire ball sack to his face and of course that was the only pair of pants that i owned at the time yeah you had to perform like four shows pantsless before you were able to get a new pair you know what the first paid show i ever did doing comedy was at the bovine metropolis and during a scene my pants ripped and it was an improv scene and i went in the back and i stapled my pants together and turned them backwards and inside out and finished the next show like that.

I remember Sarah Kerwin helping me staple my pants together. I was like in tears, dude. Like my mom and dad were there. I was like crying in the back, silently stapling my pants. Being like, I guess this is the life i chose it was it was a very sobering moment did you staple your balls to your shorts or no no no i was very meticulous about it and sarah kirman was a lesbian so she's like don't worry brother i got you that's good stuff yeah

do you remember sam i don't really know i wasn't there or anything i don't think anybody was when you went into the bank you have too many of these stories but when you went into the bank you have too many of these stories but when you went into the bank and the security guard was like your dick's hanging out of your pants oh that was at 7-eleven i thought it was at a bank but no that's right yeah it was at 7-eleven and i was i was wearing like basketball shorts or something with an elastic waistband and i like i was like can you give me a pack of cigarettes and the guy turned around and then he got grabbed the cigarettes he turned around and he was like your penis is showing he was from you know ethiopia or whatever yeah i was like what and i looked down and my

little dick was flopped over the top of my pants your penis is showing and you know that's not why he escaped being a child soldier to come over here tell some fat animal this dick was out his dick is so numb from sleeping face down on floors that he can't feel it. I tried to tell that story once and it was too much fun. And no one laughed except for Josh Blue. And now whenever I see Josh, he's always like, Your penis is showering. Oh, man. whenever i see josh he's always like your penis is showing oh man and me and emily today she went to uh she had to do some computer work and she didn't want to do it at home because she gets sleepy so we went to this like brewery and i was reading and

she's working on her computer and i kept kept hearing someone, like someone being very loud, like a loud man being like, I have no more fear about hot dogs. You know, just like yelling. And at one point I looked over Emily's head really and I was like, why is that guy talking so loud? And Emily was like, that's a deaf woman. Please be quiet. And it totally was. To the super hot deaf girl on a date with a pud. And she was just like, I like a funnel cake and mayonnaise.

Just screaming. She was smoking? Yeah, she was smoking hot. She had them not years that were oh man is there anyone that you want to say has them publicly me

it's a big part of the show yeah I know. Long time listener, first time caller. I think you guys all know the people that I know who got them. Oh, for sure. Similar circles. similar circles yeah

you know London I never saw Kim after she was pregnant did she have him yeah I mean what do you think that's a whole part of being pregnant you psycho is getting them everybody has them

my mom's flat as shit but three times in her life she's had them she has three kids one just draining the bags little lun full head of hair two rows of teeth just it's like when you bit the corner off of that grease bag to pop over crease his head that's right yeah you know what i can't remember did we do it outside or inside when we greased

him up we had to do it outside right outside the picture oh the picture was from inside so that was after he he like got on top of a smart car like slid off of the front and then tried to try to overturn it yeah him and preston and jack moss tried to flip a cop car. I think Vander Ploeg also was big on flipping a car. There was a smart car. And then there was a guy selling ice cream. They flipped that over. They flipped him over.

They schoolboyed him. They tabletopped him. They gave him the doomsday device, LOD style. Oh, God. You know what I was thinking thinking about today i was thinking about two things one world's strongest man mark henry and two remember remember chicken fighting when you were in a pool and you're like 13 and you got a girl on your shoulders yeah and her tits are just bouncing off the top of your head and And her vagina's on your neck. Yeah, dude. I was more focused on the vagina on the neck than the tits on the head.

Interesting. No, because I had *** on my shoulders one time. And I remember ***. Yeah. The fuck is that? Nobody cares. Well, it's fun to name someone by their real name. He always drops the first and the last name.

We've heard of, like, everybody, all 75 people that he went to high school with we know him first name last name because they either committed an awful crime or they died or they got him or had him yeah yeah it's either a hog story a rock and tit story or a dad killed the family story that was the yeah yeah shot all of his kids sam jesus sam grew up in a cormac mccarthy fucking novel yeah it was a good time the caliche go ahead and beep out that name make a note of that who cares that she had tits at some point in her life i i care uh but yeah it was like i was wearing one of those fruit hats just them slapping me up and down it was like a two cantaloupes on my head i remember being so hard in the pool that i thought i was gonna pass out because i had like a girl on my shoulders which is strenuous enough and i'm trying to keep her

upright so i can keep benefiting from the bongo slap and also just being as hard as i've ever been in a pair of swim trunks which is really hard to be hard in you know um yeah and i remember like getting dizzy your penis is hanging out eighth grade uh we had an eighth grade pool party eighth grade graduation pool party here we go um oh yeah it was the best uh getting ready to go into high school uh one of the gals uh her dad had like that he was rich so they had this party they got everybody a double-decker school bus and we like took the school bus to his house and then partied at their house where they had a pool and it was real nice and i got high for like one of the first times it was tight got super high and then went in the pool was having a good time and uh one of the first times it was tight got super high and then went in the pool was having a good time and uh one of the gals who had them you know because you're still at that age not very good at

flirting yet like nobody was so a lot of it was like we're gonna like kind of wrestle and stuff like that and the the hottest one and she had him big time sandy tucker uh she she she punched me in the face at one point like being silly like a hop and and not like real hard but like punched me in the face and her boob fell out and i was like worth it worth it because i saw her boob through her through my watery eyes uh because she hit me right in the nose. That's sick, man. It was the best. I can only imagine how cool that was for everyone.

Well, for sure for me. I don't know who else saw, but it was great. I was at a similar pool party once and there was an older boy named Jordan Kanetka there and he had been body shaming me all day and

just four and a half hours of body shaming me and he went to give me a titty twister while I was sitting down and I said haha you missed and he said yeah because your tits hanging halfway down your gut and

I thought I had finally got him i was like haha you missed and he's like yeah because your fucking fat tits hanging all the way down your belly and i was like oh god never forgot that that's why you became a comedian yeah that's why i became that's why i became the joker you had to you had to control the narrative i will not let him tell my story i write i write the chapters of my life i did talk that way back then too i was trying a new voice.

Okay. Becker's giving us the light. Oh, we're at, we're at like an hour 10. Well, it's just been so much fun to talk to my best friend and Nathan. Oh,

you can keep going. No, no, I'm sure you got the permission. i'm sure you've got to go it's no it's yeah that's what i mean i'm not giving you a light i'm just letting you know we're like right where you guys tell me to let you know where we're at the sweet spot now he's putting you he's throwing you under the bus no there's plenty of room down here the tire tread's made out of my hair i'm used to is there any other good stories that we gotta include because we got we got sharpo

and we've we've covered a lot of the the you know the good stuff is it time to talk or time to listen yeah classic what else the two well too much fun at high plains has always been a good time but it's not really there's not like a good i mean stealing hank henry's motorcycle was one of my favorite memories of all time i think we've talked about that before that was pretty sick do you have you uh talked about the night that you met Emily? Oh, yeah. I think so, yeah. Fencefucker, yeah. That's like the seventh episode is Fencefucker. Very good.

That's my all-time favorite. Well, that text message that I got from Sam that said, well, I got my dong caught in the fence. Hey, Sharper, did you get that text? What text? Oh, not nothing.

Don't worry about it. Man, that was good stuff. There was also, I know you guys have talked about it, I'm pretty sure, at least parts of it, that tour that we did. And we were in, I think, Oklahoma with your shit-kicking rodeo friends. Oh, yeah. And drank like 8,000 beers. While their mom was there? Oh, man, that was such a weird scene. But I remember coming back in from like the 800th cigarette break

and Sam went straight to the syrup dispenser in the closed continental breakfast and got his fuck and just went straight syrup into the hand syrup dispenser into the hand and then i was going to syrup into the mouth when i was like what the fuck are you doing uh and then he felt bad and put his hands in his pockets and i was like no don't put your hands in your pockets like oh and you grabbed your phone and now you had circle over your phone inside of your pockets and on your hands it was it was truly pathetic it was great yeah you were so disappointed i've never seen an adult make so many wrong decisions in a row i wasn't even doing it as a bit i was just like oh syrup this will be fun

and you were like what the fuck are you doing? I had a moment of clarity, another sobering moment. And then I was like trying to pout, you know, kick the can down the road. And instead, I just got everything in my pockets very sticky. And then those cowboys, you know, they don't play that game. They don't like when a man gets sticky. No, no. Not even on accident.

I think that night was when we had those old luggage carts and we were riding them around and down the halls. I didn't have my pants on. Was that Oklahoma City? That's correct. Didn't one of them saddle you up and yell eight seconds? Oh, yeah. I let him stay on me for 45 seconds because that was all i could handle you're like you wrote a bull you ever wrote a man his penis was hanging out over the top

of his championship belt buckle and i did not tell him to put it away yeah the weirdest part of that was that jonna raider clay raider's mom was just in the room the whole time just she was there yeah she was there because she was their ride really yeah neither of them had feet that could operate a car because they had been crushed by steers yeah they were just spurs at that point both of my grandpa had a twin brother and both of them broke both of their legs riding horses. Whoa. Rodeo style. Like fucking Bronco shit. Isn't that crazy?

At the same time? No. Oh, separate occasions. Separate occasions. But they were both. Still pretty good. They were both like real deal cowboys. And then they were

drunks after that. Man, I wish I knew more cowboys. I wish I was a cowboy. Kind of. What are you here for folks you're out there in imagination land you can be whoever you want out there you could be a greaser cowboy you're right you can literally be pony boy do it what am i wait i got the blonde hair too didn't he have blonde hair and the mustache damn so sharpie when are you going to come out to denver may may for my birthday keep it keep it secret the end of may for my dad's 70th birthday

my birthday's may he's a big time listener so you're gonna bleep this out He's a big time listener, so you're going to have to bleep this out. He's a big chubby head. Chubby head. Chubby head sounds like something Jordan Kaneko would have called me while I was having my third plate of nachos. Cool tits, chubby head. Chubby head sounds like something I'm going to call

you for the rest of your life. Oh, man. What fun. Well, Sharpie, I can't wait to see you. Me too, dude. Neither of us live in Denver, but we can make the trip. We'll all make it work. Yeah, luckily I live close to Denverver so i can come see you easily i'm a hop skip and a jump from denver

man you just get on the 25 and you crank some van halen and a couple songs later man you are in d-town colo you are incapable of hop skipping or jumping so i do those that's what happens when i try to do a cartwheel is i hop i skip i jump uh none of it counts as a cartwheel shit your pants upside down my dick falls out yeah you call it making a chocolate sundae chocolate chocolate lunday chocolate lunday with nuts. Just two nuts. Darby, tell the people where they can find you. Oh, me? Sports Bullies the Game.

Check out that podcast. At Sharpie Comedy on Instagram and other platforms. But mostly on Instagram. You on TikTok? Nah, dog. No, dog. Nah, dog.

I gotta be honest, not very on the social medias that much, but you should still follow me because I will be at some point. You gotta start trying to make some cool trick shots on that hoop in your room because people

could be following you like you get your morning wood boner and you on that on that hoop in your room because people people could be following you for you know like like you get a you get your morning wood boner and you like you know you get your dick or get the ball on your dick and then catapult it in you know bank shot it into the hoop that'd be sick did they have was my video on earlier that's what happened that's what i've been doing in here dude use your dick like a golf club and just holding what for sharpie you should do trick shots but pose as like a child cowboy for tiktok okay yeah that might be a good idea i think that's a really good idea that would give me a reason to get a cowboy hat also sharpie are you on clubhouse no i'm not it's clubhouse it's a new you listen to live

podcast featuring idiots oh oh i am on it i was i i think i did somebody's podcast on it, and I had to join to be a guest on their podcast. Sam said that that's the new hotness, is Clubhouse. I don't think that's true. I've been on there exactly twice and hated it both times. Okay. No, the one that I did was called Parlor. You were on Parlor. You were on Parlor.

Talking with real cowboys about stuff that men do. Stuff that matters. God damn it. Hey, this is Clay Rader and you're listening to another episode of Sayin' It. Our guest today. Patriot Indian fighter, Chris Charpentar. Carp and parm. patriot indian fighter chris charpentar my uh i've got a new job at the solar place and i work with a bunch of pretty right-wing dudes and it is really funny it's a good time It's a good time to listen to them talk. It's pretty hilarious.

That sounds like a podcast. You can sit down with them during your lunch breaks when you bust out the soup in the thermos and all that good stuff. You have your sandwich in your thermos. It's a sub-sandwich that just fits perfect. They're like, good God, man man where'd they get that thing man shit anyway so follow sharpie at c-h-a-r-p-i-e comedy k-k-k-o-m-e-d-y uh check him out on there becker where can the people find you

check him out on there becker where can the people find you right pretty much nowhere uh i'm on instagram as i think becker wac from whiskey and cigarettes days but i've posted nothing yeah you're a lurker on instagram yeah i don't take pictures of anything i never think to and lun where can the people find you well uh button around the corner yeah damn dude talk about a trick shot because i did not see that coming and it got me right in the dick and balls you can find lund wherever fudge is made oh man uh this is not going to be great for the podcast that's for sure but you know the classic shoot yourself in the head and the dick at the same time that nathan lund move you still do it still do it all the time yeah all right so yeah you can you can catch me uh on tiktok i do the i'm the guy

shooting myself in the head and the dick oh two guns lund and uh yeah i mean i do that shit you know i take that shit on the road i'm doing that shit in raton and santa fe new mexico shoot myself in the head and dick you can see me in amarillo el paso oklahoma city uh shoot myself in the head and dick coast to coast yes to use the shooter's dick he has to use one of those little guns that ladies used back in the 1800s I got a pea shooter and a fucking what's the other thing magnum

no the steampunk blunderbuss that's what I got for my dome head chubby head chubby head don't forget to check out the patreon if you haven't some of our best episodes are our patreon episodes it's only five bucks a month you get uh four extra episodes a month so quite the deal five extra episodes in january i guess right yeah damn a lot of classic episodes if you want to hear lunund say a bunch of slurs

get on the Patreon come on that's where Sam thinks he can be more hardcore oh yeah right me sure you're the bad guy I'm toeing the line hey so if you live in Key West Florida

maybe keep an eye out for someone who's on this podcast in a couple weeks. Don't do shows down there, you psycho. Yeah, no, I would never do that. But if you live down there, you're performing at the governor's mansion for Ron DeSantis and friends. No, no, no, no.

You're at Mar-a-Lago Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Sunday is a noon show. Yeah, I'm doing my Epstein impersonator show. So if you've got a daughter, bring her and I'll let her sit on my lap and I'll guess how heavy they are. You're performing on Little Prince Island. I wish. Little St. James?

God. Who booked that? You're performing with Little Spencer James. Little Spencer James. His Little Spencer, James. His dick's hanging out. Nice. Where can the people find you, Sam? In Key West?

No. You know what, Becker? You can go ahead and cut. I'm kidding. You know what, guys? You can find me wherever uh dreams are made all these people follow me already they better they're not they follow you to the safe way and they riff on what you're putting into your grocery cart

yeah it's it's hell up here it's a bunch of level one improvisers being like honey mustard more, honey mustard? More like honey mustard. You can catch Sam emceeing at the Comedy Fort every day for the next 100 days. Oh yeah, have you been there? Have I been there? That's what I said. Oh yes, I didn't hear you.

I've been there. It's very nice. Everyone's wearing their masks. Everybody's wearing their heart on their sleeve and their mask on their face. You know who founded the comedy for it? Chris Baker. Yeah.