Chubby Behemoth - Power Sit-Ups

Episode Date: November 27, 2022

Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   Poop Boot. Nut Kick Supplements. Fall Into Your Own Pile.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth    

okay so zach moss is also trying to help produce which is very helpful two-thirds of the brain trust behind the whiskey and cigarettes podcast we had a big deep dive on whiskey and cigarettes last night it was good we had cowboy zach on he was fucking tanked he forgot where he was most the pod it was good he was laying down for long periods of it he called me mid-pod called you mid-pod because he wanted to say mean things to you i of it he called me mid pod called you mid pod because he wanted to say mean things to you i believe it he called in to be rude to you i was at work and now i'm sitting upright in bed i had people at the bar being rude to me so it would have been nice to have a friend call me on the phone and also be rude to me did he want to order did he want to order 10 bud lights

and four coors lights from me so it would have been funny though if you're like oh cool this has been hell at work oh nice an old friend is calling and then he answers and he's like what's up you fat slut how fat are you what have you eaten today yeah do you even chew anymore it's all tongue work isn't it i'm lund now i'm the new lund no he was old bun last night fucking zach moss was tanked his belly was out yeah his gut was out his shoes were on in bed he was a real monster was he doing log or hedgehog? It was like kind of an evolution of log. It was kind of like a two-by-four situation where he was too rigid to actually roll around.

Rigid? Yeah. You know how a log is round? Yeah, sure. Cylindrical. Cylindrical, if you will. And you will. And he could not roll over last night so okay let's get into the pod hey everyone what the you didn't think we were going to use any of

this you psycho i didn't know i didn't know i don't know anything. I'm an innocent. How hungover are you? I'm not that hungover at all. I was good last night. Okay. I only had 10 Bud Lights. Not bad. Yeah, not bad at all. It was okay.

I didn't even drink the Bush Light Tall Boy that Zach keeps in the emergency do not break in case of emergency box in his car. When we were leaving last night, Moss was oh hold on i gotta get a couple road sodas out of the car and then he rolled over here and we drank them and becker and his friend hunter told us all about their days doing heroin down here in colorado springs it's fun being in the springs because nothing in the news has happened recently yeah everybody's just excited for christmas everyone's just thinking christmas time is coming not hanukkah for sure because it's the springs

how about that fucking shooter's dad have you seen that fucking character yeah that was the funniest thing to happen jesus christ like so funny of course of course like you couldn't have written the dad to be a more perfect piece of shit. Yeah, he was like in porno. There's all those videos of him taking supplements to get kicked in the nuts. What? I didn't know. No, I've just seen the interview where he's like, man, what?

My kid was in the gig club. I was like, oh, my God, my worst. My worst fears have been realized. And then I was like, oh, oh, OK. He wasn't in there trying to get up on a dude. He was just blasting away with a gun. Yeah, he's not a monster. Thank God.

What a relief. Fuck. I thought he was one of these big city homosexuals. But now he's just a red butted, red butted manhunter like his old man. Now, see, I'm not a manhunter like that, though. Don't get me wrong. I was pounding away on men's flesh for money now if you do it on camera that's just a gig that is not a lifestyle so yeah i'm fucking some manhole but you know that's for the paycheck that's not for love and in god's eyes as long as it's not on the sabbath then that's cool man as

long as you pay taxes on that gay porn acting royalty check then you're good as gravy but uh now if you're dancing with a man with the intent to make out or even penetrate now that is an eternity of fire and brimstone and getting lit on fire and having a snake suck your dick till it comes off if you touch a man's face elegantly that's how you know you're gonna burn down there but no he was just in there pumping him full of lead no big deal now you know i will say that i was i was deeply embarrassed when i found out that a drag queen silenced his mercy so that was embarrassing for everyone involved but it was a trans woman it wasn't a drag queen even worse good god yeah i wonder if yeah i wonder

if he was when it rains it pours does it not he was told that and he goes can we cut the camera please look staring up look please think about my family in this trying time you're telling me a trans my blob boy my big fat boy oh yeah talk about us oh dude so he's a smush show for sure and yeah well he's just a he's just a guiguo he's fucking wide number one did you see i just saw a clip of a smush show at the uh vikings patri. Yes. Did you see that? Mm-hmm. So he was us when we were at the Badgers game because he was getting a down in front from like a 7'6 farmer. And it's like, dude, when you're sitting down,

you can see over Smusho standing up. Why were they mad at him? I think it's because he smelled so bad like hey stay seated keep that keep that dump in your pants all right when you stand up it soaks right through your sweatpants your your butthole is is open for business and when you sit down there's a little bit of relief but you you keep standing up every time Mac Jones is able to, you know, hand the ball off correctly. Yeah.

You're freaking out. And I'm getting blasted with your south opening. The southern entrance is wide open like it's Black Friday. I don't think that guy started the game as a smush show but after the first time he blocked that guy's view yeah he fucking pounded him on the head once he gave him a whack-a-mole and drove his head down deep into his shoulders uh man the community the chubby b fans really came out of the woodwork to share every smush show they'd ever seen and i appreciate that there were some incredible specimens the kid on the bike is oh man should be in a lab he should be in a museum

but he should also be in he's like the modern day equivalent of the bear on the unicycle like people should have to pay a nickel to go see him in a tent my god his head was as big as my torso. His neck. Yeah, his neck was as big as his head. Are you looking it up? I'm looking at it right now. Smusho shreds.

Oh, yeah. Becker's getting on the Chubb Reddit. There's some good stuff in there. Ryan Dable, the coach of the Giants. Total Smusho. I had no idea. Oh, I didn't see that. Was he?

Is he in the Chubb Reddit? His head's between his nipples. You could tongue his own belly button if you want to do. I'll bet he does, too. He probably does. If you could, you would. I would try it once. I wouldn't make a night of it.

Well, you're eliminating. So instead, what the rest of us mortals are using our finger and then smelling it and then throwing it away. This guy's just cleaning it out and he's on with his day. Oh, yes. Can I tell you why we're doing this podcast now instead of three hours ago? Yeah, there's nothing else you want to riff on the shooter about no yeah let's leave that alone huh but did you see did you see that video of him getting kicked in the nuts to prove that supplements work no oh dude that was huge it's from like 2007 and he like

eats a handful of pills then he has a buddy kick him in the nuts five times and he's like as i've been saying these supplements will make you hard they make you tough they make they make your balls rock solid god yeah that guy rules i mean look his son did a bad thing he does not rule at least he brought a bit of levity to the situation no he made it way worse because of course he gave us something to laugh about as a country that's the background that's the parentage of fucking a guy who felt the need to take out others no it sucked and also he's trolling really bad too because he told his lawyer he's like i'm non-binary and that's just total keck that's 4chan logic for sure i don't know maybe it is part of it like the the dude that shot up pulse was almost certainly gay but he was muslim and so he didn't think he should be gay

and so he was like conflicted it sucks i think it's the same thing with this dude he didn't know that guy at pulse only shot the hottest dudes he only shot the guys he was horniest for he got rid of them and get rid of all the temptation. Pretty good logic. Or the dickhead who like shot those Asian women in Atlanta. Yeah. He was trying to get tricked. Oh, God.

Maybe if I kill five of these particular types, I don't even know if they were jacking dudes off or not but maybe if i kill five of them then i will be fixed what the fuck we're everybody's broken everybody broken everybody needs to uh hit the restart like a computer and uh reboot because your brain not working good have some water or maybe they're maybe they're firing at a much higher level than we are no maybe they've ascended no they're all manic yeah they're like me in 2012 they're manic as hell you gotta you gotta sleep and you have to uh have some water yeah that was like when you almost shot up that

golden corral you're like i gotta remove the temptation the workers yeah stop bringing out more potatoes i can't stop yeah you went into that cc's pizza buffet with a manifesto blame everybody else yeah no funeral yeah only funeral potatoes oh hell yeah those are making the rounds oh yeah they're making us round i blame that i'm cylindrical like a log yes you are so yeah the shooter was no hero but his dad let's get him a job at snl i don't know he sucks but no one writes satire like that guy i would like to see a very long interview with him because the couple of minutes was like jesus christ let's see how how long he can go let's get it all out there look my boy might have shot 13 people but he isn't some kind of jackal all right you said you've been saying on stage about how and it's funny how uh you got bullied and you would rather have to deal with school shooters the bullying is

causing the school shootings almost almost across the board these are all smush shows and guigos getting bullied and they're doing something about it it used to be you got bullied and you'd go home and cry and write in your journal and listen to the cure and morrissey or whatever yeah these guys are men of action now it's like oh i can just fucking kill a bunch of people and i can't believe but you make it sound like bullying is gone it's not it's so much worse now because of all the like fake profiles on the internet that club q guy uh shooter had a like youtube account created with his real name his former name because he changed it and fucking had like weird you know uh videos uploaded like i can't remember what it was but it's like

homosexual touches young teen or something like shit like that it was the bullying that this uh person like i said i don't know if he's if they're non-binary or not hey guess what i'm not worrying about respecting that motherfucker's pronouns all right well that's call me a monster is it complicated he's lying you don't know that you don't know shit you thought i know it all you thought joe biden got a vial of blood from a young child because yeah and you thought he was your way out of fascism who's dumber huh what do you mean me because you didn't vote because you're so galaxy brain do you sap that one out no no i didn't vote but someone voted on my behalf you wrote in mr bean every vote counts if you're voting for mr bean stay in line we're gonna get we're gonna we're gonna we're not gonna

win this election but we're gonna show that we are out there we're planting a seed yes in 2032 mr bean is going to lead the third party of online sarcastic bitches to freedom now dude bullying is insane now you can you can do the whole like catfish create uh your uh an account of it's a golden age that looks like your crush or whatever and then have the crush like say that they're in love with you and then meet me at the park and then you just get fucking pee water balloons thrown at you when you show up yeah dude it used to have to do the meet me at the park and then you just get fucking pee water balloons thrown at you when you show up yeah dude it used to have to do the meet me at the park face to face or through a note now these kids have it too easy yeah it used to have to work for it back in the day if you really want to traumatize a child you used to have to trick him into doing a power sit

up in a locker room in wyoming how is how is it that the rush from being a piece of shit and bullying somebody is yeah it is i mean it's a real legion of doom in these high schools because the rush of bullying somebody and being a dick is worth the increasingly large uh possibility that that bullied person is gonna blast away like you just don't give a shit you're like it's too fun yeah back in the day you just got away with it then you incorporated that bullying into a screenplay you wrote with david borre where it will make it you guys both have the means and connections haven't made well i mean the worst bullying that i ever did was making a boy do a power sit-up into my ripe butt cheeks you and manning and really well yeah peyton just made

him wear a hat he said hey have you tried on my new sombrero and that's how they do it in tennessee but out here on the great plains peyton did it to a young lady so yeah i know he was lucky i had to do it to a boy and then that boy then that boy moved away he actually moved to tennessee because of you well because of a series of events beyond his control he had to have face replacement surgery he did yeah he had to have a cadaver face put on to his skull he's under the burn ward and not because of any kind of fire but because of how bad he got burnt by that bully yeah i'll never forget that poor kid you could hear it all the way down the hall you know what a power setup is becker

yes okay because I can show you. Moss, do you know what a power setup is? I got got, man. They got you once? Yeah, they got me when I was a freshman in high school. Yeah, we were walking by a party, and it was all the football player jocks, and they brought me in, and I drunk and they're like oh the power set up and then yeah it was uh ramsey was the guy's name huge guy like you went right into

ramsey's ass he was sweaty who held the towel though oh i don't know i don't remember who held the towel no one remembers who held the towel they just remember the butt back up quarterback and that's not fair yeah you remember that but yeah david borey held the towel i was the butt backup quarterback and that's not fair yeah you remember that but yeah david borre held the towel i was the butt and thank god i really saved that kid's life because if the roles were reversed he'd still be in there they'd still be digging them out of david's ass if anyone wants to know what a power cynic is just come to me in a live show and i'll show you it's only for tough guys yeah zach's all drunk and he's like you have to be really strong and zach's like well i'm really strong i like that you were walking by the party to go set a fire or whatever god you remember how to pray did you guys get into that with with your episode last

night how depraved young zach moss was no we did not get into that depravity but jesus christ one day he burned a kindergarten building to the ground or whatever the fuck he went in a day a daycare and just started chopping it up like uh what was that story and donnie darko to be fair, he just did it to get hard. I mean, let's not kink shame anyone. You know? But yeah, dude, I will be misgendering the shooter every chance I get. So come at me, woke Bob, because I'm ready to die on this hill. Yeah, no, that makes sense because you're dumb as hell.

You just want to get off on being able to misgender someone. No, dude, for real? You're going to go to bat for this guy's pronouns that's not what it's about it's respecting it's uh respecting the kink it's all about respecting exactly i have to respect this guy who shot a bunch of hot young dudes they weren't all that hot uh yeah that's what the coroner's report said he said there's a bunch of uggos in here big deal who cares a couple of smush shows uh yeah that one that smush show i want to see look they lost their lives they didn't lose any social lives all right these guys were hit i want to see patriots guy versus vikings giant in the ring

that was insane that dude is i want to i want the stats on both of those dudes because they are at opposite ends oh yeah of the of the adult male spectrum uh god damn so yeah uh i'm glad we had a little time because i woke up to diarrhea from my dog mama in a shoe and on a boot. I had to throw the shoes away. I'm trying to salvage the boot, but it was a nightmare. It sucked. What kind of shoes, ass fucker? Old Adidas.

They were ready to go. I needed to toss them anyway. Why are you having a bad day though that sucked fucking diarrhea everywhere god oh that was it i'm sorry man well that and last night was a lot because god every guiguo in town had to go see the capolucci brothers do a bunch of covers of songs that you hear way too much of it's like hey remember this one yes because it's on the radio constantly uh i've heard it a million times i didn't know the capolucci brothers were in town i would have canceled my shows yeah that's why you had a light crowds last night is because a bunch of springs folks

made the drive yeah to go watch the capolucci brothers play. It's a grand old flag. It's a hell of a flag. Look at that big flag fly. Yeah, they do. They do royalty free standards. They do. They do the Chili's birthday song. Happy birthday. Happy, happy birthday.

Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Emily woke up the other day and the first thing she said was the lyrics to grand old flag and i was like what the fuck is going on over there what the hell yeah i think it's because uh i've become so patriotic for the national anthem doesn't make you cry i'm like hard for the national anthem it made me cry again when i was driving to my uncle's for on Thursday for Thanksgiving, as we call it. And the second game came on the Cowboys Giants game.

And they had a man play the national anthem on a trumpet. And I was singing along as loud as I possibly could and smacking the steering wheel and crying. Something's wrong. I know, dude. You're going to shoot up a gay nightclub. No, you're insane. shoot up a gay nightclub. No. You're insane. Your brain isn't working anymore.

You're fucking patriotic on Thanksgiving. That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard. Oh, my God, dude. Yeah. I don't know what's happening in there. You need to get a bigger cowboy hat because every time you rock it it is smushing you down and making your brain leak out a little bit i don't want to be a patriot but i am your patriots van you won't sit the fuck down i can't i always stand for the anthem

that way no one can see me cry when I'm so up above them. But yeah, dude, I think it's three times now in the last like 10 days that the anthems made me cry. Oh my God. I know. And this one was bad. I was driving and I rolled the windows down and I was screaming along to it because it was a trumpet. I was like honking the horn because I was out in Elizabeth

and I drove by and there was a gigantic American flag right at the top of 13 and what is that? Parker Road. horn because i was out in elizabeth and i drove by and there was a gigantic american flag at right at the top of 13 and uh and uh what is that parker road there was a giant flag and it was waving over above me and i was just crying it was crazy oh my god i know you've been red pilled no what's red pilled about loving a song some people cry at much worse songs yeah i mean i guess that is just so fucking ridiculous that you would be that kind of person but dude land of the free home of the brave that's not gonna make your blood boil it's pap it's bull who gives a shit i mean what what's a better song than that name a better song

uh any song what maybe some there's a couple songs on iowa by slipknot that rival it but that's about it yeah no eyeless from the first from the first album goes hard oh dude maybe maybe walk by pantera like if they replaced the national anthem with walk i'd be all for that yeah fuck yeah strength beyond strength yeah uh i just watched a video from like redding fest 2010 or something where there the crowd was ready for slipknot but right before slipknot was this like british pop duo it's like it's not jerry because she's one of the spice girls but it's like emmy and lisa and they're just these two young women and they're like oh hey are y'all ready for some fun and everybody's like 150 000 people are ready for slipknot in 20 minutes

and i'm surprised they didn't they didn't just rush the stage and rip the women in half because they just start throwing shit. And these women are just like, all right, well, we're going to do another one. Fuck you. Somebody had a sign that said die on it. And they were like, boy, that sign says die. Well, anyway, here's our next song. It's called Lover as a Friend. It's called

Fanciful Mischief in the Morning. Yeah. Tea and Freedom. Also, we stole the national anthem from those fucking Brits who were trying to keep us down. Yeah. The whole song is just ripped off directly from them. We gave it new banging lyrics. We remixed it.

I just... what about what about how i don't know if we've talked about it but when people left and started america the king of britain was like we're gonna talk like this now we used to talk normal but now we're gonna talk like this what the fuck is that i've never heard of that oh it's like one of my favorite things it's insane becker becker weighs in becker knows becker loves it yeah he's a history buff don't touch it too much yeah they decided they didn't want to sound like they're fucking bastard subjugates anymore like the traitor king decreed dropping the t pronunciation and hard r's and that's why it's no more hard r's in neighborhood to neighborhood but that's why you can figure out who's some but where they're from like down to like a six block region is that it was adopted overnight so they didn't hear it they read a

decree and then every neighborhood tried to figure it out wow yeah it's insane yeah i i found that out like six months ago i was like what the fuck that's my favorite segment of the pod becker weighs in becker's got something what did uh what did you guys eat indian food we should do that we should do that here we should try and get away from people trying to subjugate us to stuff we don't like by talking different yeah no it's crazy. I had no idea either. I thought everybody talked like that. And then Americans decided to try to sound.

I don't like the way you guys talk. So I talk like this. Everybody should talk like a smusho. Hey, I've been smushed. I've been smushed by the tyranny of capitalism. We are Legion and we are smushed by the tyranny of capitalism. We are legion and we are smushed eternally. We are minions. Yeah, everybody should be a minion now.

We go smush. I'm sorry you diarrhea in your own shoes, buddy. Well, why did you do that? No, mama. Bless her heart. Instead of waking me up like george michael if he has to go outside we'll scratch your face he'll scratch the door he'll scratch your face he'll jump on you mama will like whine a little bit and then just go blast by the door it's like

god damn it and mama shit's like me or me or david bory like oh no it's so much shit and so bory bory ruined my aunt's toilet julie yeah oh my literally he called like my mom's ghost from upstairs he called like my mom's ghost from upstairs julie julie i'm finished julie i'm done he got fucking tanked dude he was so wasted thanksgiving dinner and emily here i'm gonna send you guys a picture to the group chat so he was sitting on one side of the table and emily captured uh him in all of his glory um let me see if i can find it oh here it is yeah he she captured him with uh just this was right before he blasted my aunt's toilet to death i mean the fucking cue shooting was nothing compared to what he did up there

oh no yeah it was real bad okay send to the group chat shooting was nothing compared to what he did up there. Oh, no. It was real bad. Okay, send it to the group chat. Oh, my God. Look at that. He's not even in it. He's not even in it. That's at Thanksgiving dinner. His entire ass is eating the chair. he's reading a verse out of the

bible look at that butt just out and we were at that table for like two and a half hours he played charades that way oh man if he were it made me think of that guy at the magic the gathering tournaments oh yeah yeah that poor guy that would have been if he could have gotten bory that would have been his piece de resistance his black whale his butt's the whole chair becker yep uh yeah check this out moss oh wow oh wow says moss politely yeah it's out man oh my yeah he kept blasting my aunt julie with the n-word what called my aunt julie the n-word multiple. That's pretty cool. Julia got invited to the cookout.

Yeah, Julia was like, well, okay. This reminds me of South Cleveland in the 70s. How was your Thanksgiving? Oh, it was fine. We were going to go over to the Orins, as was Becker. But one of the Orins kids had been sick for the last few days and they had friends coming from denver that have a toddler that had been sick and so megan and i were like yes we don't have to go like you know we wanted to go but we like staying home so you can be a

kid or you can be sick but you can't be both that's that's right but uh take that make a wish for me which is i don't have to go anywhere my wish just came true yeah like we wanted to go it would have been nice but we also wanted to stay home but we couldn't cancel because like we hadn't we had had plans with the orange fall through a couple a couple times last thanksgiving we were going to go over there but i got covet at the every time i die show in the springs oh yeah that was big so i stayed home so last thanksgiving was great megan made like a full normal thanksgiving dinner for us that we ate for like a week it was like three days because i was i was pounding but yeah it would have been a week for most families but yes it should have been for you

yeah but they could have dropped your dinner on liberia and fed that entire nation for a couple of days but no that's right but no three-day weekend some mexicans tried to trick me with pasole last night and i hit him with my spanish and it ruled on stage yeah i was like what do you guys have and they were like pasole do you know that is and i was like what do you guys have and they were like do you know what that is and i was like me gusta pasole is el super mass me whore and they were like yeah hell yeah yeah so that was fun the shows last night were good we missed you i wasn't invited yeah i know oh by the way Eric Sissle headlined you I'll give you his phone number

he said just give him a date and you're in oh shit what about Moss did he blow it no Moss did good did he bury you Moss is a good comic no of course not Moss Mayhor is what they call him

the best go ahead Megan and i stayed home it snowed a bunch and we watched uh movies and we ate what we had here did you guys watch porno no yeah we watched the club q shooter's dad he's pretty good he's got a real q ball he's good stuff corner pocket nah so yeah i keep having sex dreams of jennifer coolidge nice what does this mean i i couldn't tell i mean that's that's great have you been watching the white lotus or oh yeah so that's probably part of it i guess yeah i Yeah. I keep thinking I'm banging someone else. Then I see their face and it's Jennifer Coolidge. And that's fine.

Right. Okay. I guess. I don't know. Good. Yum. Yum. Let me say yum.

Yum. On stage a lot. That's good, too. I like it. Yeah. I don't know, dude. But Coolidge, it's like I think that it's like someone else. And then I looked down and it's Stifler's mom.

So it's like explicit to like, I blast on her face. You ever had a sex dream where you come in someone's ear? No. Oh, I did that once. And it was like, it seemed unconsensual too. Like I held someone down and blasted in their ear. I don't know if I've ever because I wake up during the coming. So I don't know where it goes because I wake up and guess what? It's in bed and you have to it's in my shorts. I have to go clean up.

Yeah. No, it's George Michael's licking it off you. It's mama's ear. God damn it. That's what you get for doing some diarrhea in the house oh man one time i fell asleep after uh treating myself do a little hand play handball and i woke up and my roommate's cat was licking my belly oh no oh fuck yeah it wasn't good that was not very cool edge if you ask me

yeah i had a dream one time where i was just like shoving someone's head down like smush like face smushing them and then i blasted their ear yeah isn't that bad was the rest of the dream sexy or was it all that i don't remember i just remember that one crystal clear moment yeah that's not good this was a dream everyone by the way i never did this in real life yeah maybe you figured it out ahead of time and the lady was like yeah whatever it's cool hold me down no that would have been a nightmare blast in my ear we have we have q-tips on stack i got so many tips i have tips certified are you excited it's my dead dad's birthday is it yeah happy birthday dick penis is that why you were having a bad day no i don't care about that it was the diarrhea it was the fucking shit all glued to my boot that would not come off well they were your boots yeah i thought

they were creatures boots you have little boots you wear around i have work boots that i bought for a commercial what and i busted them out because it snowed so much and uh megan and i went down to mutiny so that she could make us some drinks on Thursday. For some reason, thinking about you and boots is so funny to me. Well, I think it's funny that I had to buy work boots to look like a working man for a commercial.

Yeah, and then your dog shat in them and you had to burn them. Well, no, I threw away the old pair of Adidas because they were all fucking i know you're talking about you've had those for like 10 years you don't know which ones i'm talking about no you don't ones with the white stripes nope you're wrong oh you have more than one pair yeah i was an adidas guy for a while those were my go-tos i bought like four pairs of those in a row but i also got these uh i went, we went to the Megan and I went to the outlet mall in Castle Rock.

Hell yeah. Love it down there. And a lot of good memories from over there. I got some like running shoes or whatever, but they, so they were a different pair of Adidas. Me and Pat Sutton pushed a, I don't want to say mentally disabled, but he was he was held back a great we pushed him into a fountain at the Cass Rock Outlet Mall while we were tripping on ecstasy. And then he had to move. No, he didn't get a move. He stayed behind. Let's just call him Augie. Augie. Augie wrote it out. Elizabeth, he's still there.

He works at the dump. still there he works at the he looks at the dump all you can eat oh yeah yeah he was like the opposite of a smush show he was elongated his boss is like augie uh a lot of people bring old batteries here and uh you know i generally know about how many are around the yard well there aren't any here anymore and i'm wondering what you did with them are they inside of you where did you eat them or did you put them up uh from the rear because uh yeah they usually sometimes people come buy them off of me and uh yeah i don't have any stock i had to fix my lawnmower he's like well augie that's a toaster. All right. Quit calling it a lawnmower. I burned the grass. No, Augie.

Not a lawnmower. It's my friend. No, Augie. He's brave and little. That was a cartoon. I got to get the club cool. Shut the fuck up. Jesus Christ.

What? He can be a gay guy. You pure evil no i'm not i didn't do anything i didn't do five people died allegedly it's very sad i know you're on the internet trying to figure out if it even happened no dude look okay i blew it one time with the joe biden thing and then i immediately corrected myself. And if you didn't have a Google phone, I could have deleted the entire thread. But no, I couldn't delete the text. You saw a video where Joe Biden fumbles. It also takes him like a minute and a half to get this vial of blood from a child.

Right. And you thought, well, it's either a vial of blood or a child right and you thought well it's either a vial of blood or a popsicle right yeah it looks like that little boy was handing him a vial of blood but hey even if it was doctored which the you know the jury's still out uh uh why was he holding hands with that little boy for so long well that's the yeah that's the the truth is enough of a what the fuck because they're in public a photo opportunity or whatever the hell yeah he's like cutting the river the ribbon in like a culver's burger and he's like hey give me that give me that and then he like yeah he gropes him he's fucking weird it's like oh yeah he's just he just loves kids

it's like well maybe he should stop fondling them in public constantly. If there was one president to say, not my president, this might be the guy. Almost all of them. It's not my president. They're all rich assholes. He should be in the dump right now talking to their friends. Biden, for sure. Mr. President, do you want me, my friend?

I sure do, Aggie. He starts groping the toasters. Oh, hey, this is a shiny little toaster. Couple of slots right here. This is a hell of a toaster. This is a hell of a toast machine. He calls them toast machines because in the 40s, they called them toast machines before they shortened it to toaster.

This is a hell of a bread crisper you got here, Aggie. This is a hell of a bread crisper you got here is a hell of a bread furnace i almost threw up this carbohydrate inferno is a real marvel of modern ingenuity i'm really worried that when i get up from this position it's all just going to come out like a trap door yeah yeah you guys might have to leave the room just shit the bed like andre the giant i might just shit the bed like andre yeah you're andre oh in japan you have to shit the bed like andre that's what he did over there so we actually got two beds in every room one for sleep and one for shit as is the culture yes we want to be respectful that's what they i mean imagine imagine boring over in japan just punishing tiny toilets

and in some places in china they just have a hole in the ground some parts of the developing world they just have holes in the ground you have to squat over them yeah there's a bar that you hold on to and then you squat yeah and if that sounds kind of fall into your own pile you pull the bar out of the wall yeah like when i try and brace myself on a towel rack when i got a big one coming oh man that's gonna be a wild ride you in japan oh dude well before we go to japan where the boys are going to new or. That's right. That's coming up. Next weekend, we're down there. Noel away. Me, Becker, Lund.

We're going to have some fun. Old school style. Bori. No. Let's get everybody down there. No, it's just the A-team. The JV's staying behind. Although Moss did try to invite himself already.

If he pays his way. No, he can't he has a bunch of christmas parties to do but we're gonna have fun down there dude we only have two shows we got a show over there at the dragon's den on friday night on frenchman and then we're going over to old mandeville across the world's largest causeway to do a show with the hideaway well becker's eyes just lit up like i said i had a bunch of gushers in my pillowcase when i said when i said world's largest causeway he was like oh i didn't know that was included is there icing on the causeway no no so it never it never ices because it's so warm there i meant frosting but i know you knew that uh-huh i was no selling

you so what are we gonna do what are we gonna do down there we have to hang out with andrew polk we're gonna hang out with polk for sure we're the funniest man we have to walk around a lot yep we'll be on foot by pedal uh we have to eat a lot of good stuff we got to go to coquette that's the only place we have to go it's my favorite restaurant probably in america we'll go to coquette wait uh pysher said he had one of the best meals of his life somewhere down there yeah let's trust pysher i know he eats a lot of legos on purpose but was it coquette well if it's coquette that's because i told him and yeah his former lover is that the full name of the place yeah coquette well if it's coquette that's because i told him and yeah his former lover

is that the full name of the place yeah coquette we're going down there we're gonna get the wine pairing menu and you guys all have to drink it he i thought he said a different name and he said that he had he probably said carl jr no it's hard he grew up on prison food he told me he's there yes i think it's the mississippi i think is the divider um he said that he had something delectable it was like oh it was goat dumplings i think go that's probably a blue giant either way guys we're gonna hit it hard all right yeah please and and maybe if we run out of cash, we can introduce Becker to the guy that I met down there who needed a lighter because he was too wet to use the matches in his pocket. Me and Moppen were hanging out somewhere by Jackson Square, and this guy came up dripping wet. But he was he was like soaked, but also like still dirty.

It was like he was in some kind of oil. Like he just like got out of like the inside of a car. And we were like, he's like, do you have a lighter? And we're like, yeah, we got a lighter. Here you go. And we're like, so what's, what's going on with you? And he's like, I jump into river for money. Whoa.

That was his job is he'd ask tourists. He'd be like, I jump into river for $20. And they'd be like, okay. And then they give him 20 bucks and he'd jump in the river, but he should have got the money be like i jump in the river for 20 and they'd be like okay then they give 20 bucks and he'd jump in the river but he should have got the money after he got out of the river because he pulled all this money out of his pocket and it was soaked and it was like oily or it's just dirty because it's the mississippi river yeah it's gross yeah well i started thinking i started thinking about like the bp, but that was in the Gulf.

Boy pussy spill. Megan fell into the Mississippi. She did. You're right. For zero, for no money. She didn't jump in the river for money. No. And then when we were there, me and you and Wayman and Bobby were there, and I was loving it.

We were having such a nice time. I in love with new orleans right away it's got a great like soul to it you know so much history and so many different people it's all that blood in the soil and so i it is so i call her to let her know that i'm having a really nice time and she says a spider bit my face in the night. I'm at urgent care. I was like, oh, Jesus. Just the opposite. We had the opposite of days, experiences that day. I felt so bad. I felt so helpless. It was like you in Australia where you feel so far away. You can't help.

Yeah. But at least you had your good friend, Sam and Wayman there. And you can't do it. Yeah. Megan's like,gan's like a spider bit me and i think it was poisonous because my face is all swollen up and then wayman goes wayman yeah meanwhile you're playing chubby bunny with beignets so it was a whole different situation i cannot wait to introduce becker to my favorite city in america it's the best dude god you have to get tanked at

least one night with me becker yeah okay i'm there thursday friday saturday sunday no a beat is gone now dude oh oh a beat is still there dixie's gone they revamped dixie beer okay but dude it's gonna be so much fun i'm i'm so jacked for this i'm totally spazzing out I'm going to hold one of your heads down and jizz in your ear and you're going to love it we have an Airbnb right? we got the Airbnb down there on the quarter

yeah well it's actually a block outside of the quarter because it was $600 less to say literally a block outside the quarter what the fuck I wish we could stay in the place $600 less to say literally a block outside the quarter. What the fuck? Yeah. That's great. I wish we could stay in the place where Emmy proposed to you. Well, I'll show you where it is down there on Decatur, right across from the H&M building there.

Yeah, I'd like to see it. Yeah, Becker, you can go into H&M and buy clothes. And is there a Destination XL across the street that we can go into? No, dude. We just have to get the shirts that say like thing one thing two we should get sure to say bitch one bitch two we should we should we should find bachelorette party shirts i guess you usually get those made but i'll bet they have some available yeah we got to come back with matching gear that would be uh that would be fun uh fuck i was gonna say something oh yeah that old joke or the story that you told on stage about how

when emmy you guys were on a balcony right and emmy got on one knee to propose to you and you thought she was gonna blow you on that balcony yeah as as as revelers partied down below right yeah it was crew to voo too so like the streets were packed and i was like you thought she wanted to suck your dick yeah on the balcony at like at like 4 30 in the afternoon the sun wasn't even down we were both wearing robes and she was like, come out on the balcony. I want to show you something. And I was like, okay. I turned around to open a bottle of champagne.

When I turned back around, she was on her knees and I was like, yes. We're like, and then I took my, well, we were wearing robes. So like my penis was readily accessible. So like when she like went to propose also some of this is on camera because she set up her phone like clandestine to record her proposal i want to see that so i can see your little nub peeking out dude she totally deleted it she was like well that didn't go according to plan she started crying she started crying because she was like will you marry me and

i was like uh yeah sure and she was like no i'm serious and i was like oh yeah of course baby i love you very much yes i'd love to marry you yes i thought she was joking you biffed it i beefed my own queen i mumboed my jumbo it's not so bad not only did you think she was gonna blow you but then you thought that she was doing a bit like yeah i thought she was gonna blow me and then that she blew it and then after we like you know after i consoled her and everything we went to dinner with my parents my parents surprised me they were at my favorite restaurant antoine's yeah you just said a different restaurant was your favorite well this was 10 years ago or whatever coquette's the best now okay coquette's the best now. Okay.

Coquette's number one. It's down there on Magazine Street. I should get a story straight. And also, we could go to Gianna, but I don't want to. Gianna Michaels has a restaurant down there? Yeah, it's all breast milk. I think for a Patreon goal, when we hit 500 Patreon subscribers, we're get gianna michaels on the pod i looked i tried to i think we've already uh you you may have already looked her up on cameo but i did a few

days ago and she's not on there i looked her up for a different purpose a couple days ago i just wanted to check in on her yeah the things are still on there oh yeah they're still bolted still attached she's like the patron saint of this podcast yeah that i thought about that the other day that was like the fifth episode it was at becker's house and it was so fucking crazy that we said the same person yeah it was not a bit that was real and then becker said like lex steel it was a guy mandingo yeah he said the club q shooters dad and we were like who the fuck is that and he was like you'll see you'll find out if everything comes according to plan yeah fucking becker's in the

deep state he's a he's a puppet master he's in the illuminati what the hell i'd love if becker was really far up in the american bureaucracy but no it's just some douche becker's making plans to uh he has a big night ahead of him this evening what's that his lady's in town and they're gonna they're gonna spend some time together if you know what i mean yeah they're gonna go watch uh the three stooges orchestra performance they're gonna watch according to jam dude guess who was at the club last night lund guess what comedian of regional success was at the club last night, Lund? Guess what comedian of regional success was at the club last night watching my set?

The Badgerine? No, no, the Badgerine's featuring on New Year's. What? Yeah, he's featuring at the club on New Year's. For who? I don't know. Some guy named Eric Schmitz. But no, guess who was there last night?

Have we talked about him or her recently at all? No, we have not talked about him ever. Total blast from the past? No, you've never met him before. Neither have I. We've only heard about him. Then how the fuck? Uh. Uh. I don't know.

If I don't know who he is, how should I know who he is? What have I told you at the show last night in attendance was china man i can't think of who china man you don't know about china man i don't think so oh my god dude he's been he's been been doing standup since 1987 and his whole thing was being named China man. And then he couldn't do his name anymore because of the quote woke mob. So now he's yeah. He just complains about being canceled. Yeah. So last night he came up to me and Becker. Cause I asked, I asked someone upstairs, I was like, can you get

my keys off the table? And he came up and he was like, why do you leave your keys upon the table? someone upstairs i was like can you get my keys off the table and he came up and he was like why do you leave your keys upon the table and i said i wanted to and then he was like what about system of a down syndrome and then he's saying that's mine i was everybody's but he said no well mine is better because it's syndrome of a down right so he uh i'm the best he uh and then he's saying and then he's saying a system of a down song in a Down Syndrome voice. Jesus. Yeah. So he's the man.

Get that on YouTube. Well, we talked about him a lot last night on the Patreon. By the way, if you want to join our Patreon, patreon.com slash Chubby Behemoth, you can get another episode every week for $5. It's really nothing. And when we get to 500 patrons, that's right. We're going to get Gianna Michaels on this goddamn pod. We we're gonna jump in the mississippi river i'm gonna ask her gianna i have a question for you uh who is the worst uh porno star at sucking dick and why is it brandy taylor i cannot wait to ask her that she's gonna crack up huh she's gonna crack up

about that you uh go soft when you see Brandi Taylor put a thing in her mouth. She hates it. You can tell every time. I've done my research. I've got a fucking cork board in the garage with a bunch of different strings leading from still to still. Who would like it? You got to be a psycho to like Goblin on a Norb. No, some people like sex and it's fine

when it's your whole thing it's annoying but if you're doing it for money yeah you should probably enjoy it i don't know anyway i just know that i would hate having a big old ween in my mouth well yeah i'll go ahead and say it because you're allegedly you're allegedly not gay but yeah i know thank you for doing the patreon episode that's nice of them was that q shooter went up to everyone columbine style and was like do you like sucking ween and those that said yes he shot them did you hear i just read about the walmart shooter going into the break room and like blasting and there was like a woman that worked with him for like six months or something she hasn't been there that long and she hid under a table and he was like hey who's who's under there and then she like got out from under the

table she was like no one and he's like okay all right moving on well i'm here to shoot people not nothing so never look under here no big deal so no he's he sees who that that she is who she is and he goes jesse why don't you get out of here and go home and it was like whoa whoa he was blasting particular co-workers and it's like that's why you do a good job at your shitty Walmart job. It's so you don't get blasted by your supervisor who's sick of taking shit from his ex-wife. Yeah, I think her new man, Daryl. I heard that he actually worked for corporate. He was like a secret shooter, kind of like a secret shopper, but with a gun.

Yeah. Well, crazy how he didn't really make the news. They didn't really talk that one up very much. Well, yeah. Cause well, target wants people to talk about. It's like,

Hey, we're the target, but we're not target shooting over here. We got low, low prices without any of the terror. It's pretty ironic to be called target, but yet you haven't had one shooting. Nobody shoots in there.

Somebody should change that. Someone who listens to a certain podcast. That's all it's going to say. Someone who really wants to impress Becker. I did it for Becker! I'm a Becker guy! The one Becker.

The one Becker guy. Yeah. Knows that the pieces fit. No, no don't definitely don't do that don't don't i'm serious this time don't do it but do go to patreon.com slash chubby behemoth yeah also did you see seven dash strong.com they got a big old black friday sale it's probably for another couple days i think and their 60 shirts are like 15 bucks damn i wish that they would give us a fucking penny that would rule well they give us free shirts it's even better than a penny i can't wear the shirts though because i'm too much fun whenever i show up to the function one of those

everyone's like uh-oh dogs here that shirt's got campfire shit on it. Dude, we're going full seven dash strong when we're in New Orleans. I could wear the shirt that says that's what she said a million times on it. Yes. And I can wear the one that just said, I queefed. Who queefed? And it's an arrow pointing down at my pussy that's better than the five dollar foot long i wish you could get a pussy for the weekend if they could do like temporary top or bottom surgery that would be cool like

you're going to a bachelor party you just have some tits installed for 72 hours like hey fellas check this out that's the future that we're trying to fucking accomplish but we have all these fucking dickheads like biden and mitch mcconnell are holding us back these old fucks they don't get it i just want some tits put in that's gender fluid look me and me and moss are like having a weekend together here at the club and i show up with tits on saturday morning like becca you're pretty hungover last night for college football yeah yeah game day baby michigan nice i got the g i got i got a couple giannas installed dude that would rip like we haven't done that yet we haven't cured cancer i guess we should probably do that first but everybody's working on a better

boner pill all the best minds that we have got fucking lured into raytheon pills if i get cool tits that's what i'm saying we gotta diversify if you could take a pill and you just get tits for like five days they just come in and they go away that would rule i'm gonna have to get up off this bed here in a couple minutes that's gonna be brutal all right we'll go do that thank you all for listening i don't think that's enough time it is we're good was it hey don't leave yet because if you're in new orleans next weekend come down and see us at the dragon's den and then also uh come out to mandeville actually if you can only go to one or the other come out saturday to mandeville because i got a door deal but hey after that the following weekend we are zany's comedy club in chicago

downtown that's right zany's comedy club please for the love of god come to that show so i can get into the zany system it'd be big for me lun will be there featuring becker won't be there all right so don't anyone try to impress him by doing something brave with a gun all right not at that show uh and before we go i gotta hand the mic over to our friend Zach Moss because he had a special announcement for all the Chubby Behemoth fans. Moss, take it away. Better not be about his podcast.

I'll fucking go apeshit. Yeah, check out the Hippie Not Hippie podcast. God damn it. And yeah, and subscribe to the because uh we had a pretty wild night last night and uh yeah god i think i was actually funny on that episode so uh check it out it's gonna be good and nathan uh will you uh my podcast if you're not happy that i do is with aj finney will you do an impression of his stand up for. Oh, man. So I was in Decatur, Illinois. You guys were talking about Chicago.

I was in Decatur, Illinois, and I was driving this rental car and this homeless man, this bum comes up out of the weeds, you know, just kind of slithers up to me, just kind of like he doesn't have any bones, know and he's just like hey who's president and i was like you man and he was like no i'm the secretary of state and then i just kept on wobbling and i just kept on wiggling and wobbling and i hedgehogged and i logged which you're supposed to pick one or the other indicator but no instead i did a little bit of both and then i had this uh this little swamp lady that came up and she was like what day is it and i was like whatever day you want it to be ma'am and she said that's what i'm talking about and then she did the worm and actually turned into a worm she had she had a bunch of dirt on her and she burrowed into the ground but she couldn't get very deep because it was raining and then my dad walked up and he was like what are you doing on that john deere and i said i've been on acid this whole time my god i thought it was just a thursday yeah so it's me and that guy

who we all love very much i i kid with you for listening goodbye