Chubby Behemoth - Prance Dance

Episode Date: June 13, 2023

Support the show & get 20% off & free shipping at SheathUnderwear.com Promo code: CHUBBY   Extra episodes at Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   I'm Gay. We're All Big Now. A Lot That Came Out.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth    

Oh, okay. Damn. All right. What'd you do? Nothing, man. I'm a silly guy right now. I'm just a silly, happy little guy. Look at my hair. Hello. You got a haircut. That's a new shirt, it looks like. Yeah, it's a Seven Strong brand shirt.

Long sleeve. You're going to be seeing me wear the shit out of these in old japan these are my japanese travel shirts yeah i gotta i gotta look through and see which ones which new additions i want yeah you really gotta get your seven strong brand shirt together because I I'm telling you they're, they're comfortable and they're, they don't breathe. Let's okay. Let's do this for real. I'm sorry.

None of this is good. All right. Len, why don't you take the reins on this episode? Yeah, we'll see how long that lasts. All right. And it's four 17 and we are starting the podcast

what was that was that a milkshake no it's a vietnamese iced coffee oh okay i'm not just having milkshakes in the middle of the day. That'd be obscene. You earned it. You've had a weird, long, annoying day. You know what, dude? I love you, but I went full anti-Lund today. I really didn't give a shit. I wasn't mad. I didn't spaz or yell.

I just kind of handed myself over to the universe and said, Que sera, sera. Because what are you going to do? My battery wasn't working. or yell i just kind of handed myself over to the universe and said case or raw sir raw because what are you going to do my battery wasn't working i have no practical skills um if they did some kind of draft they would if they did a draft i would only be drafted as a draft horse you'd be a burrow they would load ammunition onto your sturdy back i'd like to think that i would be the mule that transported the army brass band i'd want to have like a like a trombone player or a couple of trumpeters on my back and just i do like a fun like kind of prance dance as their show host that'd be that'd be fun

well yeah fuck you i don't spaz i don't you and this is the first time ever that this happened and you didn't lose it privately so i never lose it yeah don't say you're the anti-Lund as if I'm always out there spazzing. And going, dude, this is ridiculous. I don't do that shit. You know what? This is unbelievable. You say it's Lund-believable is what you say. I'll walk it back.

Becker, what do you think? Am I crazy to maybe frame it as L london i have different levels of patience i different things irritate you guys that's right mine's mostly wool allergic yeah yeah i get irritated by wool textiles yeah nathan gets irritated by unnecessary bullshit. Yeah, yeah. People riding bicycles with one hand. It's not safe. If a guy has one sock pulled up and the other one is down. Yeah, it's just different stuff. So, yeah, you remembered to breathe, and that's good,

even though a hobo chewed through your battery cable and it was raining so hard that nothing could be done you know what's funny about it is i called my dad i called my sister i called emily and i called david borey and all four of them their hypothesis was is that i was a victim of sabot. They thought that someone had followed me into the parking structure on Thursday and somehow hot-wired my hood open and then shooed through the wires to disconnect my battery. Yeah, and I was like, I really don't think that I have that many enemies out there that someone would plot my very

dumbest downfall there is, which is just being inconvenienced for two hours. Did you park at DIA? Park to jet. Nice. Yeah, they've got it locked down there. So I would imagine it wasn't

anyone that was able to get in there without a reservation. Rabbits or rats? Yeah, you got rats. It could be rats. So what happened to the listener, the humble listener who we're here to serve and bring joy to for just a brief fleeting hour out of their week? The listener that we love and value above all and hold sacred and uh honestly i would lay down my life for each and every one of you

given i already said there's a problem with your battery cable now you're home oh yes and you know what listener this podcast all about not yes anding or uh or following take longer take longer to explain something that you didn't even want to talk about because it wasn't a big deal which one is it are you gonna build it up or are we gonna move on i thought we were allowed to be like lava lamps on this show no i thought we were liquid we're spitfires we were glycerin and oil and we just kind of flow and we make the party a little more sensual so um well hey we can get to your city council meeting in a minute dude all right we know we both had shows so i so my guy the cable was stripped so i thought that

it had been severed there was an inch missing in the red cable in my battery but uh a man named muhammad showed up because he worked there and he he fixed it all up and then it started raining really really hard and then i had to wait another hour for the rain to stop and him to come back from uh you know whether it was the second or third time he prayed that day i had him with an inshallah and 40 bucks at the end of it he loved it so yeah he did the worm with his uh prayer rug he did it on the rug yes so it was uh it actually counted as his fourth prayer that day so he used to go home early he's facing east yeah he was spinning like a top, so he hit every angle. He fixed it, and I came home.

And now here we are, podcasting, and someone must have cool beverages. I got two beverages. Is one of them jizz? No, I don't drink jizz. Oh, okay. I just want to debunk the rumors that have been floating around out there. I smoke jizz. That's the way to do it. Smoke jizz.

Yeah, you can't keep it wet long enough to collect enough to drink. You got to dry it out and smoke it. Well, so you'd be surprised. If you have a humidifier and a tea maker you can keep juice wet for a long time but that's not what we're doing here lund what's the latest on your end buddy i went and had good shows in oklahoma that was fun i almost had car trouble too i got the low oil light after getting to uh my hotel so i drove from Trinidad, Tulsa, did a show and then drove back west to Oklahoma City because I got one hotel room for Friday and Saturday and got the fucking light.

And I was worried about it. But I went to Walmart Saturday and got oil and put a cord in. The light turned off and I made it home. The light did not come on. The light did not come on. I was ready to lose my shit. Because Walmart's the only thing open. And I go and after I get the oil, I look under the car and some of it came out like right away.

So I was like i'm fucked so i tried to get it looked at by one of the walmart mechanics and they were slammed and a guy the guy was like you know they could maybe tell you what's wrong with it but they can't fix it and i was like oh yeah because they just do oil changes and tires at walmart let's just walk it back about moments ago you said that your oil yes i almost got annoyed with something yeah i didn't say that i don't get annoyed i said i don't spaz about little shit you said you almost lost your shit moments after yelling at me for maybe thinking that you would have been pissed that your battery was dead when you got back from four days on the road.

I guess, yeah. You're smart and I'm stupid. You're right and I'm wrong. And now you're pouting? No, you're just annoying the shit out of me. Becker also noticed it and he didn't say anything because he lives

in fear of you due to your physical violence. It just made me giggle. It was fun juxtaposition there yes it was this is this is my version of gotcha journalism well listen to this so when i get the oil i leave i try to leave walmart and this old fuck is you know the greeter the the receipt checker and I have the two quarts of oil in a bag and he looks at my receipt looks in the bag oh two two things of oil two things of oil I said yeah because you don't have any naked ladies in there and I was like no just the oil and he was like no naked ladies what the heck it made me so mad because it was so shitty and weird to do. That does suck when you're obviously dealing with a problem. So well, and just that's what he's doing all day.

He's at Walmart making jokes so that people can just fucking be affected by this guy. Instead of being an NPC who does the bare minimum to keep Walmart afloat and protect them from shoplifters. You know, that's to say, right? You know, as if there's a shelf where there's just small naked women and then you pick them up and put them in your bag and they're $ dollars and you do what you want with them well so you don't have them and maybe maybe he was like just insane maybe he was experiencing dementia maybe he thought there were actually maybe a chance that there was a tiny little lady in there and he might be able to take a peek he saw the receipt and he saw two naked ladies he's like hey you paid for him go get him and i so i was annoyed with him and just wanted to like

leave but after i took a few steps i i hate when an old guy makes me try to smile oh yeah it's very innocent to say shit like that to nine out of ten dudes that go through there it's fucking dumb it's annoying and so i said to him i said loudly so that he could hear me i didn't turn around but as i was walking out i went i'm gay and there were people that were coming in and i like i like that all they heard was just a dude walking out by himself saying i'm gay without context my video is delayed ah man what fun but no it's stupid it's just stupid to say shit like that when you're just supposed to say hello when they come in and say goodbye check their receipt before they leave i don't have two naked ladies in here old man

dude i mean you know what i i want to have a nice time on this pod right now and get along so i'm not going to comment anymore on that uh i'm glad that you it's not innocent it's not innocent you think it's not a big deal it is what is not innocent about it how is that malicious not how is that malevolent not every dude is straight and wants naked ladies in there it's just a weird thing to say when you don't know not every dude wants naked ladies in there there's no naked ladies in there no matter what there's never going to be a naked lady in there i know it's just a weird thing to say but of course you think it's fine and are tearing up at the idea of the national anthem yet again what's wrong with that it's your you have too many concussions and your brain is broken. You identify more with that old man than me.

I identify with a guy who's just trying to give a little smile to someone randomly. I do that shit all the time. I'm always interacting with strangers, trying to make them laugh. I think that's a nice thing to do. That's dumb. All right. Okay. Well, can I ask you this?

Did the robot save the city this weekend yeah yeah the city was saved that's just the name of james's production company i don't know why you care so much that i brought it up i was shouting them out james. I was saying meme. It's Nim. Secrets of Nim. That's how I remember it. I told the joke about when we were in Norman, and the word of the day for the Norman newspaper was sarcasm. And James didn't remember the joke, but he remembered us going through Norman when he was like 19 or whatever. Did you say Oklahoma's?

No, you didn't say, Hey, Oklahoma's who's ready for their Oklahoma. No, I told Bobby I was going to joke. La ha ha. Cause it was joke.

La homa or Oklahoma. I like joke. La homa better. I like Oklahoma's. That's my favorite one. I like Oklahoma's. That's my favorite one. Yeah, that's good. You should have said that to that guy, that greeter.

You should have been like, hey, man, that's not funny. I'm an Oklahoma. And then you could have high-fived him. We exist. He would have had a new thing to say to people. He would have been like, oh, there's no naked ladies in here? What, are you an Oklahoma? Yeah. he would have been like oh there's no no there's no naked ladies in here what are you in oklahoma yeah that would be good so here's here's my deal i came in rather sleepless on the plane and then i thought i was gonna have to wait there till 3 30 in the afternoon so i ate an edible almost immediately and then so i was driving home talking to david bori and then the edible kicked in and then we were supposed to do this thing at four but i got confused and thought that i left

my backpack in the airport but really i just put it in my suitcase so there was like a 20 minute period where i was like where's my fucking backpack oh no i've blown it uh but no it was just in my it was just in my suitcase so there we go full disclosure i'm an open book i'm honest yeah yeah it's the close call it was real close call man the patreon episode yesterday i think was it might it might have been the funniest patreon episode i've done without you been the funniest patreon episode i've done without you or the worst patreon episode i've done without you i'm not sure there were mixed reviews regarding the pokemon aspect yeah the pokemon ending was a real wild turn it was going so well and then you and pat were like what if and you addressed it a minute or two into talking about Pokemon.

You said out loud, who is this podcast for? And then just continued. No one addressed you saying that. You or Pat never mentioned it again. You just plowed on. Well, the bit was a man sitting down his 18-year-old son on his 18th birthday to give him a serious talk. And it's about his Pokemon team for Game Boy

for Pokemon Red and he's all pissed at him it was good it was just a wild turn of events I got two notifications at once I think from reddit and one said something negative like way too much pokemon but at least it ended abruptly or something and then the other one was like loved the pokemon discussion so you know you gotta you can't please everybody all the time oh i was i was fucking pleased

you're in the car with bat like crawling through traffic because of an accident is that right yeah there was a terrible accident uh right past harrisburg pennsylvania so it should have been like a three and a half hour drive ended up being like a five and a half hour drive and you can only go to wawa so many times and get so many cheese stuffed pretzels before you're like you know what i'll admit it this stuff this is sucks this is bad but uh shout out to district elixirs in washington dc they gave us a bunch of syringes of uh simple syrup with weed in them. So those were flying all weekend. We were slapping.

We were tickling. We were pretending to be Pokemon dads. We couldn't get over the idea of just how funny it would be if I was shrunk down but still had to keep doing stand-up. Wait, the dad was upset with the quality of the team as opposed to the existence of it. How the team was built, the types. They both showed their asses on how big of nerds they are. Like, real hard. After giving me shit about my Ninja Turtle discussion, wowie wee wow.

You guys have been hard in the paint. It's just, yeah, it's like, hey, you know, he's not mad that the kid's experimenting with drugs or alcohol or having unprotected sex. He's just mad that he has an Arcanine and a Rapidash in his starting six. They're both fire types, son. Okay, yeah, so very specific, very detailed. Yeah, and the whole dork aspect of my life is out of the bag a kid showed up last night he goes by the name of dick stinkley on instagram shout out dick stinkley he showed up with four foil dci goblin guides and had me sign those which i was like oh my god dude this is so

cool i was like moved that was oh patrick had a bunch of words to describe what happened yes let's just say that the way that i was acting if that greeter at walmart checked my bag he would not have wondered if there were any naked ladies in there no no possible chance that there were any naked ladies anywhere on my person but so imagine if i was shrunk down and had to keep doing stand-up how big pokemon so i think inside of a shot glass the description description on the pod made it feel like about an inch and a half two inches and i don't want to do a greatest hits right now but i'm stoned as fuck i am so high oh my god these edibles are mental um so but yeah just the idea of being a tiny person but still

like like no one's like all right we're gonna fix this for you it's more like well hey you still have to do these shows in milwaukee you have a contract so now i'm like on an airplane like uh put your seat belt on sir and it's like all my body's just buried in the seat belt like i what is it gonna do what do you think it's gonna fucking do yeah you have to get in the pocket at that point where the safety information is and that'd be better you have to get in the pocket at that point where the safety information is and that'd be better you have to wear a seven strong button-up shirt and i have to be in your pocket i'm just here like hey give me some of that fucking sandwich and you're like what are you talking about a morsel of this would be way too big for you and i'm like i know let's go halves

you demand halves come Come on, man. We're both men. Like my stomach is the size of a freckle, but I'm still as hungry as I was when I was big. You still don't have the enzyme. I still lack the enzyme. My enzymes weren't shrunk. It was just my physical form. Yeah.

And it's just like when I signed up for the fucking reverse bigifying treatment, I didn't do the research. I didn't look into it. That's on me. All right. I thought that if they could make me little, they could make me big again, but no.

So now I'm fucked. He's just always so pissed. Cause no one can help him. I'm fucking pissed man just like like every time you hang out with your buddies you go to the bar you're sitting on the bar and they like pour like a splash of gin on there for you you have to suck it up you're just down there getting all tanked you're like i'm just pissed all the time everyone's like i get it man but what are we gonna do just no one really caring everyone's bored of you talking about it's like when your friend gets divorced and you go on the

boys trip with him every night he gets drunk and he just keeps bringing up how much he misses her and you're like dude i get it but we can't do anything about it it's over your days of being big are over. You just have to come to terms with being little now. I watched some of Big in the hotel room, and it made me laugh because he tries to go. He gets big, and he tries to go home, and his mom freaks out and won't listen because she just sees a dude. And then he has to call her and say that he has josh he has her son but that he's okay and it was just funny to me to like it's in like this goofy silly comedy

but that's like a mother's worst nightmare yeah and he starts once he gets that job he's making money and so he like is dicking around and will like tell her yeah like we're gonna return your son everything's fine but she thinks you know he's probably getting touched reamed tortured maybe yeah probably reamed yeah like he's they think that they're like filming videos that they're selling at the flea market yeah like yeah she just i don't know like she definitely does a good job of like freaking out but she would like i don't know like that it's such an awful time for her while and the dad you know is like not even in the movie at that point it's just the mom like getting phone calls and like she should be like not eating and like roaming the streets and then yeah she should

be chain smoking inside and there's a police van outside of her house at all times yeah and then while she's doing that just like hoping that she doesn't have to identify her kid's body at the end of this he gets a trampoline and a soda machine that's inlaid you see some tit yeah through the bra yeah it's so funny to me to picture yeah just a parent the the the biggest the worst thing that could happen to them and then he's just you know living it up yeah like the husband his dad should come home and she's standing on the second story balcony like drunk like walking on the banister you know like like an almost famous just he's dead already i can tell he's gone yeah they killed him they killed my boy yeah she just has a complete break she's like we're all big now she just i don't know it's also funny to imagine her list like believing this man

is her son yeah and being and just like dealing with it i don't know it's just weird weird uh premise for a film it's a good movie man i mean it is good but i always wanted one of those uh giant pianos but then i would realize that when i if i was that big if i was little but i was made big and it was like my version of a big boy body i just would have shattered those fucking pianos real quick yeah you'd be like richard dent it's like the fucking 80s bears doing the super bowl shuffle on it just crushing them yeah fao shorts is like well you just ruined our new installation this was three hundred thousand dollars you just destroyed with your big body yeah how much would that would that cost a kid or the parents of a child a young prodigy

it would have to be. It's also funny to think about if I was little. If I was little. Emily. I'm sitting on the couch next to Emily. And she's her size. And she's like, yeah, you know. He's little now.

And everything's different. I can't say if it's really better or worse. But I'm down there. And she's so far away. If you think about the scale of it she's so far away i can't hear her so i'm just like what's she saying i can't hear a fucking word she's saying up there i bet it's not good i bet she's pissed she pissed but no one can hear me because i'm so little you'd be able to hear her i don't know it's like you can hear like it's kind of like when a jack

goes overhead like you like you don't hear the individual gears of it you just hear like this booming screeching right but that's and also the bones in my ear would be so little that i wouldn't be able to hear her because they're so little yeah your ears would just explode and they'd be bleeding no yeah i'd be like oh good look at this shit now i'm fucking deaf and tiny i'm fucking minuscule and deaf are you guys happy make me big yeah there's like a fucking online petition make sam big again i have to like sit down with my senator and be like dear senator please make me big i'll take anything five seven five nine five ten three ten i don't care being being a being a midge would be better than being this small that's in uh big top peewee the circus comes to town and

chris christopherson's like the leader and then his wife is midge and she's as big as you're talking about and nobody says anything she's not pissed she but she acts like it's just how it is and they make it work it's tough but we make it work because we love each other. And it's like, okay, let's see you day one. Like, what are you doing when you're alone? Yeah. Probably fighting. Probably fighting. Probably bickering.

Because it would be really bad if Emily got shrunk down because I'd have to do all the cleaning and she'd be so mad about it. She'd be like, there's dust motes everywhere. And it's like, I'm like, what are you talking about? She's like, look at me. I'm as big as them. I can tell. I see them everywhere i'm too i don't know if this is good i'm just stoned and i think being small would be a lot of fun i like the idea of you on a stool and then the mic is in the stand yeah it doesn't even pick up my voice it's well

yeah just barely everybody has to be very quiet. You're like, look at that one. Nice haircut. And everyone's like, is someone up there? I can't hear anything. I hear like a low hum. We paid for this. Like a hummingbird. Oh, man.

But yeah, both of my shows were fun and good and I had a nice time and that was a surprise because Friday in Tulsa, God, there was this table. So this woman recorded my set and I'm thinking about ask, trying to find her and asking her for it. Cause I, I did a pretty good job.

I think of rolling with the punches and I was like, Sam, I didn't spaz i rolled with it and had fun with it even though i had every right to be mad at this table dude's phone went off twice he had two cell phones and a hatchet man necklace and looked like he owned a pawn shop and then god just they wouldn't shut up they sat right up front and wouldn't shut up but instead of like shutting down i just made fun of them a little and then would move on so it ended up being a good time and i i think it would come across but i don't know if i'm gonna be able to get a

hold of this lady i think some of the comics knew her so we'll see but I'll probably try and share it because I think it was worthwhile I think that's a great idea get that Lund content go and put it on NathanLund.com yeah I'll try and get it on the Patreon because it ended up being a good set people were pretty stoked

afterwards after the they had a roast battle and i thought oh good this you know i i figured it could have been very bad and it wasn't everybody was funny and clever and mean without crossing any like real lot you know they did a good job i didn't know if they would uh just all blow it i didn't know any of the comics ahead of time, but it was a good night. It was fun. It would have been funny if one of the comics in the roast battle was that

old man greeter from Walmart. And he comes on stage and you go up and, you know, you silence the third year open mic here. And you're like, Hey kid, I'll take it from here. And then you whip out your testicular sack and you're like,

but there's a couple naked chicks in this bag why don't you come check it out you old bitch sheath is great i'm wearing it right now and i gotta tell you my dick and balls are pretty stoked becker too acting like you can't talk it's luxurious well i didn't want to interrupt you it's so nice contribute yeah they're good yeah i like going on a walk because i've gained a bunch of weight since i've been working at home so my thighs be touching now and man having that ball cradle and little separate dick container so that's a real that's a real luxury in life why did you put stink on it and say my balls be touching it's okay when i do it but i don't know if i like it when you do it my thighs that's what you sound

like hey this summer we're no longer allowing our underwear to be a sweaty swamp or our balls stick together and my underwear are the worst part of my wardrobe i'll tell you that right now often it feels like i'm sitting in pancake batter or uh i'm wearing like a waffle iron but it's not plugged in now i'm just sitting in two different waffles and that's why i'm a big fan of sheath underwear uh there's two pouches one for your dick and one for your other dick so both your dicks don't have to hang out anymore that's good nothing sticks together so you stay cool and comfortable this is all good stuff they also have tons of colors and patterns so no matter what the summer brings you'll look and feel awesome with sheath i need more cool festive undies i've always said

my underwear too fucking plain and boring but these sheath underwear now uh you know because they were founded by a former uh grand wizard robert patton excuse me not grand wizard army army general robert patton i don't remember the guy's name but he's some kind of fucking war guy and uh he makes them so that they're in camouflage so now i can uh i can sneak into the neighbor's lawn in my just my undies and steal all of their rutabagas and carrots no one can tell like we said we're wearing them right now and we love it my dick just high-fived my balls and said this is gonna be a hell of a summer bros yeah my dick just said to my balls you guys stink i'll be in my room what did you call uh you mentioned the the the old timey stock what the fuck is it called when you're like stocks no but you called it something else recently and said that you would

be in it and when becker mentioned the ball and dick area it made me think of putting your dick and balls into like the middle of town in the stock it's not the stocks it was something else i had to look it up and i was like oh yeah sam is really smart you're too stoned you won't remember and i don't think I'll remember either. I don't know. But you know what I remember? I remember the first time I saw my cousin Alita's friend Kendall Skeels in a sports bra. All right?

And I'll never fucking forget that. So if you don't have sweaty balls, maybe you have some sweaty ass titties. Maybe your fucking heavy, meaty dumpers are just encased and they look like fucking delicious dumplings that have yet to be steamed in that case sheath has some comfortable and breezy sports bras for you uh i'm gonna get a sports bra for my wife i'm gonna get her some board shorts and we're gonna have a non-binary fuck party all right we're gonna all be wearing sports bras we're all gonna be wearing boy shorts i my hair is nice and short i shave every day i'm gonna shave her down and we're just gonna fucking figure out whose dick and clit tingles and squirts the most how's that for every head to sheathunderwear.com and use head to butt underwear to get 20 off your first order plus

sheath underwear is 100 money back guarantee's sheathunderwear.com. Promo code Chubby. 20% off your first order. Get Sheath Underwear, support the show, and support your balls. Yes, head to sheathunderwear.com. Thank you. I had Whataburger twice. Wow, there you go.

It was fucking good. Especially the first night yes queen the double cheeseburger was like really good then i tried to get another one the next night it wasn't as good but it was pretty solid and i want james told me to go to a place called bunnies they do like an onion burger and it's been there since like 1901 or something but it was yeah the oklahoma onion burger is legendary they closed at nine and so i wasn't able to get it hence double water burger but it was good um i'm glad to hear you're out there sampling all the delicacies of uh this big country of ours yeah what were you up to you went to baltimore you went to harrisburg the count of baltimore i went to dc i went to potstown pennsylvania i went to pittsburgh last night got hair got haircuts after the show uh you know joe esch you know known homosexual joe esch in pittsburgh yeah he just went on a 28-day tour and he came to the show

last night fresh off the road so i gave him a guest set and you know he did fine or whatever but he was just out there getting crammed and slammed all over the southeast oh shit just a little hot piece of fucking boy butt just getting used and abused getting told us all about it we went to the barbershop afterward to get haircuts from shannon norman so it's like six of us hanging on the barbershop and i think it was the exact opposite of the quintessential black barbershop experience because there was a young man telling us about getting it plugged and and you know sucked and all this stuff and we were all just like oh hell yeah young brother that a boy that a boy a

child you know so i don't know if it's that accepting in the black barber shop depends on the shop yes it does depend on the shop i can agree with you? No, Joe kept them. Yeah. Had you sign them? I had Szechuan food and then just destroyed Will Han Hancock's toilet when I left this morning. Just abso-smashed it. I was drinking IPAs and then I had Szechuan food after a haircut. Hot chili oil and shit?

Well, Szechuan's its own freaky thing, daddy. Alright? And it numbs your hole as it comes out, so you can't really feel how much is coming out. But then when I got up and I investigated, it was a lot that came out. Nothing

was shrunk about this it was the same amount even if i was small it was a lot uh yeah and i left and so i hopefully pat gets blamed for it because he moved into my bed when i left and hopefully they think he did that to the toilet does he have a later flight that's right he's going to new york oh okay that's going to hang out with jack a bit and then uh oh that's right he's gonna fly out to milwaukee and hang out with me and christopher charpentier did he do a good job pat did such a good job he fucking had great sets every show this weekend i was so proud of him fuck yeah that spot in baltimore looked cool you did two shows two sold-out shows in baltimore i uh mentioned how it was nice of

them to uh get rid of that black church so they could start their improv comedy club and everyone laughed really hard and in fact the building was a black church damn yeah i know a black church when i smell one yeah yeah there's still a bunch of tiny gospel singers like get us out of here we were when the church went out of business yeah and then i'm like why are these ants so loud what's going on why these ants have such rhythm just fucking crush me already i don't care i'm little you didn't dream this right you were just like in the car stoned yeah i mean it's just so i've maybe you dreamed a lot of people think that i have been uh the victim of some kind of in bigging in beginning spread but uh no i am in fact just born this way so i think that if i could experience the opposite and being in small and that would be

good but you're saying it would have it would have gone horribly wrong because you wanted to be smaller but not minuscule no no so i agreed to be made this small okay but i didn't read the fine print and i didn't realize that once i was made small it was irreversible okay so i got exactly what i wanted i was made little but i thought that it would be like okay make me big again right but no no i'm just small and no one feels bad for me because i signed up for it everyone's like yeah you didn't read the fine print what's the matter with you idiot what are you saying what are you saying up there you can't hear anyone it's just thunder so yeah i don't know if i should be this high ever i gotta yeah i only got a little high before this

i'm looking around i'm thinking about it i'm seeing it i'm seeing it man yeah is david back from brazil oh he's back okay god we might have We might have him on a Patreon episode so he can tell us about his trip. Yeah, good call. Yeah, because it's not really an all-fantasy-everything trip. It's not, you know. He had a very nice time. We got him behind a paywall.

He said it was beautiful. He said it was beautiful and life-changing and restorative. And also, he's on that CPAP machine, so he's getting REM sleep. i didn't know that my man's 10 feet tall right now dude he took an embiggening and in longing yeah he's broader than broadway i'm broad i'm broader than broadway he said he was loving it down there that it was beautiful and everybody was very nice how do you for the is crazy. Maybe for the next Chubby Behemoth trip, we'll go to Brazil because I think is it fair to announce what's going on?

Yeah. Yeah. Becker, why don't you explain what's happening? I got my request in today for vacation to go to Japan and I just have to wait to see what happens tomorrow but even if I don't get approved I have enough flex time to go so I'm going and who else is going Nathan Lund

oh my god Nathan's coming to Japan yeah dude it's gonna be true the Guiguo tour of Japan and also Becker guess what no weed for a week allegedly that's what we thought what's new we thought becker was not going to be able to have his medicine for a week and he was going to be very unpleasant and turn to gasoline. Gas-soaked rags. Yeah.

But someone reached out last night and told me that if I was in need of any funky good times down Tokyo way, to hit them up and they would take me on a tour of the underground. Whoa, that sounds both cool and terrifying. So what this means, Becker, is you're going to trade in your weed addiction for sex. We're taking you to the whorehouse, buddy. Oh, God. Yes. You have to have sex with professional prostitutes twice a day while you're in Japan. We get to watch.

I could also just drink like a low level of beer. And Lund, you also have to go to a prostitute. No. Yes. I've asked Creech and she said it was cool. God, I don't know what that would look like. Like what I... Ah, think about it.

You're huge. They're Japanese. It's going to's pretty cool. I don't know what my dick would look, how my dick would respond with fear or excitement. Hopefully it would respond with respect and honor. Cause your penis is kind of like a Ronin. Yes.

You'd have to make it bow. Your penis has no master since you've given up on it. You rescinded your control. Yeah. So now your pain is just on its own. It's looking, it's looking to satisfy. It's less for blood and flesh.

Yeah, I could see that, but yeah, it wouldn't be up to me. I said goodbye to, you know, I gave him his autonomy years ago. Yes,

he did. He left and came back. He was like, I got shrunk down. I got rebigged. He saw a lot of the world. Because it's usually if you love something, let it free. But I don't think he really loved yours when you let it. We fought.

And then, yeah, he stormed off. I was like, go. Who needs you? I don't care about you. Yeah. Your dick was Macaulay culkin and he wanted to break free because you were stealing all of its money so yes you will be both be uh taken on a tour of the underground the underground sex parlors of tokyo will be at your disposal i don't want

underground sex i want above ground sushi i want to eat all the fish because who knows when we'll run out it seems like eventually we won't be able to eat sushi so i think we should uh go hard i think that the three of us in japan will be the tipping point. This is what Malcolm Gladwell warned about. And when they do study the full-scale aquatic maritime collapse of the food source that was once known as fish in a hundred years from now, they'll say, and something, we don't know quite what it was, but something around late July, 2023, that we can mark as the complete nadir and downfall of the tuna markets of Tokyo. Some unknown force enacted itself and totally crippled the economy of the Tokyo fish markets. We don't know what it was. I want us to go all the places that you went with Emily where you had to limit how much you ate because she would yell at you.

And I want us to live our best lives. I don't think you guys understand how many times we're going to be allowed to eat every day. By the city? Yeah, so we actually had to get special permits uh we're actually getting there the same way that uh pro wrestlers and the harlem globetrotters come in we have freak of nature visas it's gonna be perfect we have a part of it is putting on displays of ridiculous uh hunger we are going to be eating we are going to be drinking we are going to be sweating it's july in japan it's going

to be brutal in that respect but other than that we can have all the hot soup we need to cool down our warm bodies nice i mean i'm talking wake up go downstairs eat a 40 strawberry platter next thing you know you swing in you get coffee they got those thick souffle pancakes as long as your nose they jiggle have you know they jiggle have a couple stacks of those go to the train get off the train hey what's waiting for us octopus fritters well i wouldn't want to be rude pound a couple of those they're the size of fucking christmas tree ornaments oh let's go into this shrine no one do the voice no one touch the corner of your eyes we're being respectful all right uh we walk through the shrine and you literally have to bow when you

enter the shrine or else you're being rude so you get a bow no one's mad at you no giggling and also you can do whatever accent you want because people don't understand that the regional accents are often equated to different types of people in amer. So we can do Latino accent. We can be any American we want. That's right, dude. I'm going John Leguizamo because he does them all. Nice. I'm going to be like, oh, what you say?

Mm-mm, Ricky. Uh-uh. I'm doing all the hits. You're going to go full pest. Yes, I'm going to go full pest because I think that he, remember Stinky Winky, I think had Down syndrome. So I can even do that voice. Stinky Winky is the vampire voice.

So he was a vampire with Down syndrome? God, Leguizamo did deserve a BAFTA. Ramen, sushi, the best pizza in the world to the Tokyo tea site. It's everything you guys want it to be. And I'll be drinking light beer and showing you around and goosing you and taking you to blowjob parlors. It's going to be awesome. We're not going to blowjob parlors. I mean, we are, but you and I will be outside while Baker gets sucked dry.

I think that what's going to need to be important, Lund is that you just need to talk to Creech and tell her you're going on a sex tour of tokyo i don't think i am just tell her the truth about it just be like look becker is single and sam wants to show us the other side he's the king of the underground he's the king of hard style and uh for the patreon i need to be able to get sucked all i want yeah what are you telling emily same thing emily told me when i went over there the first time that i could get sucked oh yeah that's right she was she was she was like yeah these blowjob parlors are everywhere i could go get my fucking nails done and you could just get sucked i was like this i do not want to have this conversation this is

really upsetting to me this is horrifying but you're gonna do it when she's not there no no i don't want to get sucked i want you guys to get sucked and tell me about it because that's what does it for me no i'm married but nathan can do it yeah well i'm saying i want i think you just have a conversation with Creech first. No, I don't need to have a conversation. Do you want me to practice? Let's let's role play it. I'll be Creech. You'd be Lund.

No. Okay. I'll be Lund. You'd be Creech. No. Okay. I'll be Becker. You'd be Creech.

They don't need to have a conversation. Okay. How about this is let's do creature talking to becker after you have the conversation with creature are you a part of this so am i becker yeah it doesn't matter every time you want to role play it's dumb as hell let's just move on why won't you guys riff with me it's always dumb you're too high believe me it always is boring so this hurts me okay well okay if you just want parlors noodles and that's actually i call the noodle parlors, the suck parlors. Cause you can slurp over there. You're expected to slurp. I'll suck nudes.

Yeah. I'm going to be sucked by a nude person. I am so excited to go to Tokyo with my weirdest, funkiest friends. Yeah. It's going to be awesome. Also, I like the idea of their, just cause Paris was so stressful to know that

you can't speak the language and everybody will hate that we can't speak the language in Japan. They don't care, right? Like they know we're not going to speak or it's like even worse to speak really good Japanese as a just a random American dude, right? Like a little

dude. They have zero expectations that will communicate yeah we'll point and grunt and we'll pay them for their foods and we'll be happy they'll be they'll have mixed emotions you know because it's like yeah they they spent a bunch of money but now i have to be closed all next week this is the first vacation i've ever been able to take in the 35 year history of my noodle cart oh and uh or wait and also the beauty of them is that they also abide by the no one can be mad at me logic they can only shut down if they know that no one's going to be pissed. So we'll like free them. Did Emily forbid you from eating street foods in Japan or just Ecuador? No, because Japan and the standards of hygiene are so high.

Okay. I was excited that maybe that would be something you'd revisit or be able to visit. As two gluttons uh i mean so in japan they have a term for it it's fat fucks uh me being able to shepherd you guys through willy wonka's factory and i'm the oompa the loompa the willy and the wonka i've got the golden ticket yeah it's gonna be splendiferum i'm so stoked i need to get get maybe hang out after the pod and ask you a couple of questions because i i think it'd be a good idea for me to just be on the same flight as you

uh you're gonna be on the same flight as lunund because I'm going over from Chicago. Yeah, I know. I meant Lund. I gave you my flight information, so just get the ticket for that. I just had not read it in detail. I just used it to look at the time because I wanted to make sure because one of the ones Sam sent me had like a 22 hour layover in Honolulu. No, no. No, no, Becky. Do what I did.

I think it made the most sense. know no no do what i did i think it made the most sense i tried i looked at skip lagged and it was not 1800 anymore so i thought it went up and then when you shared that picture after the fact sam i was like well what the fuck so i don't know you definitely don't go to united site uh until you're ready or outside of incognito mode until you're ready to buy. Because I think I got I got screwed out of a few hundred bucks. You're going to get screwed out of so much come from your wiener when you go to these fucking suck parlors. No way. Suck parlor USA, baby.

I'll go to a suck parlor for you, Sam. Yes, dude. Awesome. This is big. So it doesn't sound like we have enough time. Pat had a passport before. Oh, I think that Pat probably won't be able to accompany us.

Yeah, he sat on his passport and then he spilt fucking honey mustard on it and he accidentally ate it because he thought it was like a tasty book that and no one was allowed to read but him uh but i do want to reach out to our faithful listeners right now now i know that you guys think i'm stoned and uh dumb as hell because you said you are well again i'm just a fucking throbbing nerve center i'm just an open heart and you can do surgery on me or you can spill chiclets in there uh but we really want

to fucking chronicle this whole thing so if you want to see our fucking big full-bodied antics in Japan. I'm talking Lund dressed like a geisha. I'm talking Becker in full face paint. I want to get my feet bound. Let's go for it. Let's do the whole thing. If you want to see us over there, we're going to figure out how to do it, but we really want to have enough

money to bring a camera guy. Join the Patreon. I know we bring it up all the time but we're doing uh we're doing cool stuff chubby behemoth on patreon at patreon.com slash chubby behemoth just go join your little five buck contribution is going to go a long way strength the numbers let's be the ant hill here's what we're going to do guys we're going to be a big old ant pile and we're going to be the grasshopper that you rip the limbs off of and for your entertainment you guys all get together the mighty pile of ants and you can tear us apart while we try and fight you off with just our jaws does that make sense

no you're so like you're very stoned we're sacrificing ourselves so that they can enjoy themselves all right and if that means me carrying around a big gong wearing a diaper i don't care whatever we need to do all right yeah i mean you know you know what'd be fun is if we dressed if we wore suits over there we should go get suits made got all like wow well see you guys would have to get fucking wasted and then you could also be like the passed out businessman on the park bench yes i mean i don't i feel bad faking it you'd have to actually get fucked up i think that i'm willing to do that i'll try that out I'll try that for the first time I will get drunk in a foreign land

and act a fool in a suit I mean I got drunk as fucking Pottsville Pennsylvania I can get drunk as hell in Japan not wearing a suit though that'll really sell it I was wearing a 7 strong

long sleeve what a seven strong side making suits they're new that'd be cool we gotta talk to sheath maybe we can do a sheath ad but we're just wearing our underwear and nothing else around japan in the room no no i'm talking about all the streets it's like a cultural exchange i don't i don't know if that's allowed they're very friendly to the mostly nude fat guy think about their history of sumo fair enough i don't want to appropriate anything though well guess what me and you can do a little sumo slap and tickle out in the middle of shibuya's crossing all right we'll get right in the middle we'll see you can push

each other out of the crosswalk it'll be great yeah for sure i could see let's be rude to the japanese that's not rude i don't think to beat each other up for people's enjoyment you're right okay let's not be rude let's honor the japanese god i've seen video of stan hansen just laying it in with these uh opponents. And it doesn't look like he's being a very good fellow grappler. It seems like he doesn't like Japanese dudes and he's just beating the shit out of them. It's fucked up. Get off me. Get off me.

You're gross. Get off me. Yeah. Just pissed. Whipping people with his rope. The hard thing about these kind of like public spectacle affairs for content in just in japan specifically is it's very hard to tell if you're being rude or it's very hard to tell if you're being lewd because of the way they pronounce the words so we're uh we're going to

walk stan hansen i'm not selling right now. I thought you were going to dab. God, that's right there. That's right there. You like satisfied with that? Job well done. It makes me want to do the Bobby Crane.

Time to clock out. Oh yeah, Patrick finished up the Elizabeth video that's going to be going live on the Patreon. He's going to have the tattoo video done this week. We're just cooking. We're fucking kicking ass so hard on our little podcasts yeah and it's nice it's nice to have that yeah for sure uh do we need to read an ad we do and we will in a moment

we have about seven more minutes of podcasting we have to accomplish before we're allowed to do the ad we can also do the ad but yeah oh so you want to use the ad as filler for the for the hour all right no no no no i didn't i just wondered if we would do it now it doesn't matter okay i'm cool i'm like water you are man room temp and boring how did the uh how did the city council meeting go uh it was fine there was there's just these people here that are all pissed off because um this woman named keely kind of took over wally's position working for the city with human turtle she also owns yeah she also she's a new she's a new toilet worm

she has to hang out in the toilet and wiggle and say get me out of here help me i'm not even drunk i'm usually this big yeah she is tiny and she and her husband own a bar called the well and i've done shows there they're great they just they had a show there last week with a band called the pentagram string band and they are very like tongue-in-cheek whatever you know fun they're not actually like trying to convert people to the church of satanism But this one guy got all pissed off and went and yelled at a city council meeting about how the devil was here in town. And, you know,

he's got 300 friends that were, that are, you know, behind him in this condemnation of a city employee. Also having such an awful event, you know, just complete bullshit. But there are a good amount of people here who are just kind of like religious and afraid of all these new people

coming to town and changing the town for the worse. And so today was a show of support for Keeley that, you know, that is not what's going on a few people are really i think trying to stir this shit up because they want to hold on to their power and they don't like that there's new people here doing things you know that might challenge their power or remove them from power so uh megan and i just had to kind of show up and let people know that a lot of people in trinidad are excited about the new businesses and yes there's bands that come through and they should be able to play some songs and not be confronted you know like shut down so hopefully that's what happens if i ever get to the point in my life where i'm going to a

city council meeting to complain about a cool satan string band and if i'm ever down there being like i don't want the devil in my town i want you guys to cut off my peen load it in a shotgun shell chamber and then put that shotgun with the peen load and put it to my head and blow my brains out with my own dick that That's what I want from you guys. Please promise me that. Oh yeah. I'll do. Yeah,

we'll, we'll do it. That's honor. Or if this experimental surgery does go through and I do, in fact, become small. Um, I,

Lund, I want you to eat me. I want you to dip me in calamari sauce and put me in your mouth and chew me up and swallow me. Marinara? Yeah, calamari sauce. Okay. Fair. See, when I make a mistake, I own up to it.

Yes, calamari sauce is not a thing. I was thinking of cocktail sauce and calamari and how I want some of each. Yeah, no, I'll dip you and I'll dunk you and then I will swallow you whole. Dip me, dunk me, chew me, screw me. That's what I want. Your little nude body will get straight dunked. Yes.

I'm not going to eat a tiny seven strong shirt. I'm just, I'm going to have you be naked. Maybe try to peel your skin off first. I don't have to have the little hairs in my teeth. These seven strong shirts, I don't know how breathable they're going to be down there in old Japan. I've been wet. That's a long sleeve. The short sleeve, I think, breathes.

I don't like a short sleeve because when I have have a long sleeve on I can just roll the sleeves down and I don't have to wear sunscreen because when I get when I go to Japan in the summer I've never been there before but I imagine when I'm there I'm going to be the pink menace I got excited that it was cool there because it's a different hemisphere dude that's what I thought too northern hemisphere yeah I know it's winter no it's winter. No, it's not. God damn it. You're going to have a nice winter Australia tour. I know. I know we are.

Australia, I'm coming down there. If you're an Australian listener, which we have a lot of, come see me perform in Australia in August. I will say, good day, mate. Rice-ka. Rice-ka. That car. Rice car.

That's the trick to the Australian accent. Rice car. Look how fucking tiny I am. Look how fucking tiny I am, mate. You get to go from Tokyo to Sydney, which is, I'm sure, not anywhere near as crazy of a flight as going to or from the US. Emmy's calling.

Let's see what she thinks about me being small. We could probably finish the episode. Hold on. Emmy, one second. Yeah. Emmy. Am I on the pod? Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Emmy, so my question would be, what would happen if I was shrunk down to like the size of an eyelash? Would you still love eyelash would you still love me or would you be mad at me I wouldn't be mad at you I mean it depends why you were shrunk down I signed up for a program but I thought that it was all I thought that if I got shrunk down they would then allow me to get re-biggined but they did not and i'm just shrunk down forever now that'd be a

huge bummer but i'd probably save money on like flights and stuff because i could just put you in my pocket that's right and also food but if we were to make love i'd have to crawl inside of your body oh no i'd have to put my whole body in your body. That's disgusting. And then when I was done in there, I would say, okay, squish out the baby, and then you get to give birth to me. And I'd say, you're my mommy and my lover.

I would cream pie your body out. Well, no, because I'm not making that big of a mess. No, but I would squirt your body out of my vagina. You were never an eyelash. You were two inches. If you were the size of an eyelash,

it wouldn't make a difference down there. Yeah, you'd get lost in there. You'd have to be like the size of a penis. A shot glass. I think a shot glass would be good. Anyway, what do you want one's pissed in the pot

do you did you order pizza do you want me to order do I pick anything up on the way home yes order pizza I have to go I'm on my podcast only only half a slice for you because you're small now. I'm going to shrink her ass down and shove her in my pee hole.

You know, thanks for listening. Join the Patreon SamTalent.com NathanLund.com Under Construction Coming soon. Completely finished.

No, not yet. No improvements left to be had on NathanLund.com. You're finished. I think we figured it out. Milwaukee this weekend at Laughing Tap. Come see me and Lund next weekend. We'll be at Secret Group in Houston on Friday the 23rd.

We'll be in Hyena's Fort Worth if you're in the Dallas Arlington Fort Worth Metroplex come to Hyena's June 24th San Diego La Brea SamTalent.com Detroit House of Comedy come on out guys and get on that Patreon so we can take someone to Japan to uh film Becker getting sucked off yeah