Chubby Behemoth - Promised Taffy

Episode Date: September 5, 2022

I'm Chunking. You're Next. Drop It!   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

did you chunk in there before this? did you just chunk? no, just plopped you can plop and chunk that's what I was saying, I only did one plop means sitting chunk means standing over the sink with the lights off so you don't see your weird body

I've chunked into the toilet the last few times I've jerked off while staying at somebody's place not your place, I jerked off in bed. Right. Face down. On the futon. Yeah.

I spread it in the sheets. Yeah. And Sophie had it the next night. And you knew. No, no, no. Oh, yeah. No, I actually. I didn't jerk off in the bed that Sophie and Mel shared the next night.

Okay. I jerked it in the futon room. Allegedly. But yeah, I feel weird doing that like unless i'm really close with somebody yeah like you then if you're a trusted friend of the family it's okay to whack in their bed right but like i stayed with janae's ex uh andy yeah you chunked off in arizona outside no no you'd feed the scorpions is what you called it. The only thing that I thought made the most sense was the least likely way to accidentally get some seed somewhere that you're not supposed to is directly into the toilet.

Not the sink? That's what I did. No, I'm shorter than you. Oh, yeah. I'm a little guiguo. Well, that'd be fun, though, if you got on a stool. If you made a whole performance out of it. No, the sink, yeah, it would be too risky.

The toilet, I get to crouch down a little, blast into it, flush, and I'm out of there. That must rule. It's like you're jackhammering a girl. Well, just for a second. It's like the position where you're pile driving, you know? Yeah, but I'm not. Also, you haven't done that to a girl have you oh yeah pile driver yeah jackhammer yeah gross when a woman is small you can pick her up and really use her body like a fleshlight

yeah you just fold them in half and then you open them up like a suitcase when you chunk you flip the latches down you're're like, I'm chonking. Stop saying chonk. Are we recording? Yeah, we're recording. Oh, good. We're in. As you're visibly pinching the tip of your dick in front of me. No, it was my ball sack.

Oh, okay. My scrotum. Your testicular sack. Nice. Yeah. Totally innocent. Yeah, nothing weird. Not gross. Just looking me in the eye.

Not weird. Just to peel your balls off your leg. It's an emotional day are you too far away i don't think so yeah yeah check check check what's it look like when i talk looks good it says pu it says stop chunking file 404 error voice chunks we just came from my mom's childhood home. Yeah, that was nice. Yeah, you cried. I made fun of you. I felt nothing. I was robotic. I showed weakness. You pounced.

Right away. As I was bleeding for some reason, that thorn bush got me. Yeah, there wasn't a thorn bush, though. I'm at my hand. There's blood. You can see it. That's the weird part. Yeah, it's like my mom came down from heaven to tell me I need to lose weight. Sam, how are you going gonna fit in your tux this is what we rented in march because you were gonna lose weight oh yeah was that that was prom that was real oh i thought you meant your wedding i was like jesus no my wedding i was like i'm gonna lose a bunch of weight and then i gained weight

i didn't give a shit at all yeah yeah and then the photos i just look like huge i'm bloated i'm huge too well it wasn't your special day i mean it kind of was i mean i remember your special day we went to the courthouse and they put you on the scale to see much how they had to charge you right you had your propeller beanie on you had your who chunked shirt who queefed that's good merch is that real no i think i i think i looked it up and that is everything's a shirt yeah so i think yeah but i could brand it who queefed and it's pointing down ah now we're talking at your balls you're peeling off your yeah dudes wear it yeah i queefed and all i got was this stupid queef yeah man that was heavy i think i did a good job of hiding my human emotions from you so you couldn't have that on me yeah yeah but uh well we do a good job i think of mixing it up

between kind of supporting through humor and then also getting real. It's not like we always avoid any uncomfortable actual feelings. There's sincere moments between us, which I value, which makes our friendship so strong. And that's cool. That's why it was so hard to be close to Bobby, because he was just analyzing and running a spreadsheet. He studied a lot a game film he was Bobby would watch like uh Dawson's Creek to see how cool teens interacted okay so if I untuck one part of my denim shirt and just leave the other tail flapping that means I'm casual check Check. Stock. Info.

Operate. You're saying he's a robot. Yeah, he's a robot. Ah. Yeah, I mean, we talked about it. I think Bobby was just, he was surrounded by a bunch of big personalities. This is something I told you, and then you pass it off as your own thought. Well, I mean, you said it in a nice way, and I just always accused him of being a tist.

I said it as a way to explain, because we were on the road with bobby and he was frustrating because he wouldn't respond to questions of where should we eat what should we do for the next couple hours who he was very uh stoic and you were getting frustrated with that and i said well he was frustrated with my smell you smelled awful yeah i reeked your feet were so bad i didn't i couldn't afford shoes i wasn't like you guys with all your money shut up i was just that was not true i was bob dylan you thought i was out there you thought these shoes kill fascists they could have yeah yeah mussolini yeah lost his weenie but did you hear about this no yeah. What was I saying? Oh, yeah.

But I earnestly tried to explain to you what I thought was going on with Bobby. Yeah, you kept saying, hey, Vern, here's Bobby's deal. Welcome to my world. Earnestly. Yeah, I get it. I said that Bobby has four older sisters. Yeah. And I would always say he's the youngest of five girls. He hated that.

He probably got yelled at a lot and told to shut the hell up, and so he did. And then, yeah, you threw it in his face. You were like, hey, Bobby, your sisters tell you to shut the hell up, and now you continue to follow that lead? Yeah, I kept giving him pads

and tampons. I was like, hey, maybe this will help, Bobby. You little beep, beep, beep. Yeah, you said it. But we were right there. 238 Franklin Street, Chagrin Falls, Ohio. For any of the real heads who want to make a pilgrimage to Mama Mecca. That would be so scary if somebody went.

We should send Baco. Shared a picture. Baco's here to right the wrongs. These walls have a lot of ghosts. From life comes blood, and from blood comes life. They just write Betsy T. Hadham in blood on the sidewalk. Backwards. Yeah.

Let me out from the sidewalk. Let me out. That's where we should, because she's in hell. On Friday, we're dedicating the headstone on the tree we got. That's cool. In the botanical gardens, but we have not decided what we're putting on it yet, so maybe you can let me out. You have to pay by the letter. Let me out.

Oh, shit. That'd be so funny. It's eight letters. It's perfect. Yeah. Oh, wait. No'd be so funny. It's eight letters. It's perfect. Yeah. Oh, wait. No, it's 32 maximum? I don't know how many letters are allowed on a headstone in the gardens.

Okay. Yeah. I thought maybe you threw that out there at some point. Maybe my dad. My dad's a fun fat guy. Yeah. Former fat guy. Yeah, he was.

They hung up his jersey, and it was a 5X. Jersey Mike's. Yummy. One time me and Yuris were on the road. I think we were in Detroit. And there's a sandwich place called Potbelly. I think they're everywhere now. Right, but they started there.

Yeah, we came around the corner, and Yuris went, Ooh, Potbelly. The fattest thing he said. He also said, Ooh, coconut oh coconut cake yeah didn't he he was talking to his sandwich that one time in san francisco do you remember that no misha trubbs we made sandwiches at sylvan house and yours was like oh this is gonna be good oh i'm gonna eat you up yum yum yum and misha came in and he's like oh talking to your sandwich yours hated it yeah it's like when he got accused of having an extra donut or an extra slice of pizza casey's pizza yeah did you have a slice of pizza oh right yes yeah i don't know if we have on the pod yeah we have for sure but yeah he that woman yeah accused him in a friendly way

secret pizza yeah lying about whether he had pizza or not he was all greasy for a different reason that woman accused him in a friendly way. Secret pizza nibbling. Yeah, lying about whether he had pizza or not. He was all greasy for a different reason. Yeah, greasy from last night's pizza. Oh yeah, that was when he was the grossest. He was still smoking cigarettes. His hair was combed with someone else's sweaty brush every morning.

Yeah, he'd use a chicken bone running through his hair. Yeah, Chagrin Falls, Ohio. That's where my mother hails from. And Doug Kenny. Doug Kenny. And the guy who did... Bill Watterson. Bill Watterson.

Calvin and Hobbes. He did my mom's yearbooks. Those yearbooks are worth a lot of money. Do you have any? I have them. Four years? I don't know how many I have. I'm not going to tell you if I did.

Let me get in on it. No, you'd fucking open her sepulcher and steal all my family jewels. I would like to see those because I am a big fan of Calvin and Hobbes. No, you only get to handle them with gloves on. I read a lot of them on the toilet as a youth. Of course you did. You were one of those, oh, I can't wait to go to the library and check out all the Garfield comics. I know, not Garfield.

Yeah, you loved Garfield. Calvin and Hobbes. You're so stupid, you were reading Heathcliff. Calvin and Hobbes and The Far Side. The Far Side was cool. Yeah, you loved Garfield. Calvin and Hobbes. You're so stupid, you were reading Heathcliff. Calvin and Hobbes and The Far Side. The Far Side was cool. Yeah, no shit. The Far Side was like, I'm reading something for adults. Yeah.

This is for big boys only. Well, and Calvin and Hobbes had a lot of words that I didn't know, I had to look up or whatever. Yeah, yeah. So it felt like... Chrysanthemum. Felt a little bit grown up. Tapas.

Calvin. What the hell is Calvin? They're named after two different philosophers. A lot of people know that that John Calvin and Tommy Hobbes Zach Hobbes Wait, who's Calvin? I don't even know The Calvinists Predetermination

Final Destination One and three are great I used to chunk to those movies Really? Yeah, Devin Sawa was good looking. I chunked to a lot of movies no one should know about. Funny Games? Chunked.

What? You just watched it. Yeah, Anne Heche. She's in her bra. She's handcuffed. It's not Anne Heche. Naomi Watts. Naomi Watts, yeah.

Anne Heche just died. You chunked it to the news that she passed. I did. I was like, one down, a bunch more to go. Next up, Ellen. Yeah. Yeah, when... past i did it was like one down much more to go ellen yeah uh yeah when wait but patrick richardson was with you patrick when you watched funny games what and you rewound it or what pause put it back paused and mute put on mambo number five

my hand was the five mambas junk yeah it sucked man that was heavy we went to my uncle's house too where he grew up it was a fucking compound he never told us that yeah it's big it's massive huge backyard he could have played maybe not five on five but four on four basketball easily easily an eight person game of 21 yeah that was the best got lower in a hoop to seven feet and playing 21 in fifth grade yeah yeah holy shit dude you got to be in the air to knock somebody out yeah you're just waiting for alex nichols older sister to come home with a bunch of safeway fried chicken two liters of of Surge. Oh my god.

Those were the fucking days. Swatting shots left and right. Someone tries to throw up a three, you just stand underneath the basket and put your hand up. You win 21 to 4 every game. It is 21, there's no rules. Oh, come on. It was chaos theory.

You can't goaltend in 21. Yeah, you can. That's not cool. It was the coolest. You gotta do the putback to knock them out. Yeah, yeah, feet off the ground. And you know the clearance I get when I jump vertically. Just enough.

Just enough. So I remember people would be like, his feet were technically off the ground when he tipped it. But it's like, yeah, they were. All right, you're back to zero. Put up a shot. Put up a shot. Listen to Stone Sour, dude. those were the days mask off yeah mask off uh cory fuck alex's older sisters baby doll t-shirts we're talking 1998 yeah some of the sprungest times i've ever been green hair oh yeah sprung monkey yeah just total

total fucking like tank girl shit wearing hookup shirts with their belly buttons out and jinkos yeah god excuse me don't chomp i have to chunk it come on what if i chunk on the pot that'd be gross that'd be worse than a road chunk is pod chunk with me in the room yeah you time me we try and set a record who can chunk first who can chunk the fastest uh it wouldn't be me there's no way yeah it would no i can chunk pretty quick but i wouldn't i wouldn't be able to be hard well you don't have to be hard to chunk we've explored that we've both come soft i promised lun that if he came with me to see my mom's house, we could go to the popcorn shop where my aunt and my mom both worked and probably got their hymens destroyed by a 19-year-old mom veteran back in the day.

Some guy who's back from the war because he's got the shakes. I was going to say he would have been here dodging the draft. Yeah, some guy in a really smell like fatigues jacket shows up he's like call me raven what's your name julie all right get the back of my jeep yeah don't check your phone doors off i want to see what's going on nothing's going on i love celebrity gossip this is all that matters is this pod get closer yeah so my mom kissed So my mom and my aunt worked there. We went. I said, mine will be taffy.

Oh, yeah. You promised taffy. It's the only reason I got out of bed this morning. The only reason you didn't do the only brave act. I could have stayed here and chunked. You could have tied off with all the bed sheets you wanted. You could have dropped me off. I guess that, yeah, that would have been weird.

Of course I'm going to go with you. What else are you going to do in Cleveland? I'm glad I did. I could have come back here. It would have been nice. Yeah course I'm going to go with you. What else are you going to do in Cleveland? I'm glad I did. I could have come back here. It would have been nice. Yeah, just be in the hotel all day? You need vitamin D. Yeah, that's pretty good.

But yeah, Chagrin Falls is idyllic. It's a quaint bedroom community. Picturesque. Very Rockwellian, as I say. A couple of thin blue line flags. A lot of cop dick sucking going on out there. Because they actually respond to calls yeah the cops are great it's like yeah no shit they fucking serve to protect you we got a call from the popcorn

store there's a man down there with a gun demanding the taffy where's the taffy where's the taffy yeah we go in there it's a tiny it's a tiny room and there's no of storming comet ping pong like where's the kids i heard there's you with an ar where's the taffy where the hell is the taffy i was promised well yeah there isn't any taffy and then you go well ask them about taffy and i was like i would sound insane if i'm in a tiny shop and i ask so where's the taffy and it's like obviously we don't have any, sir. We have popcorn and ice cream and a couple of fucking magnets. Yeah. Yeah.

You act like it's a secret item that you have to order off-menu. I thought that they were going to pull, like, a root beer tap, and then the room would spin, and there's a secret taffy chamber. Yeah, we have to go downstairs into the taffy dungeon. Some lady's like, what's the code word? And you're like, Bill Watterson. You're upside down now? My arm hurts.

Oh, good. Is it your left one? From chunking. Maybe this is it. I was leaning on it for ten minutes. That's all it takes. Should I lay down too? Do whatever you want.

I'm sitting up because one of us has to give a shit. Am I getting picked up? Yeah, you're getting picked up. By Flight for Life. Put me down. Taking you to the Toledo Zoo. oh shit what is this should i be alarmed no i'm just trying to like be comfortable and i can't you look so comfortable you're inverted your head's not on the bed it is no it's not your arm's dangling my arm isn't yeah you don't know what an arm and a head is you look

like those photos of chris farley post-m. God, I instantly know exactly what you're talking about. They were sad. He was huge. Sex worker took those photos. Belushi was not that big. I mean, I think he was probably like 5'7". Yeah, he was 5'7", 2'10". They were like the fattest man alive.

Passed away. The largest man in the world. The biggest Albanian ever. Well, he probably was one of the heavier guys that had been on TV, because it was all like thin, little, sweet little guys, and then he was a fucking rock and roller. Yeah, he was three and a half company. Him and Leslie West were the only big men in pop culture.

Talking about Leslie West is so funny. Big man, big guitar, big heart. Exploded. I told you about the guy from... Oh, yeah. What band? That fucking song. Fatty and the Wad Squad?

What is it? Tucson to Tucumcari. Oh, yeah. Little Feet. Yeah, that guy would get a whole pizza for himself and then another pizza for the rest of the band. Right, and then do all the cocaine he could find. And do blow and drink a bunch.

And he died at like 34 or something wild. You ever done cocaine off of a salami? The mirror's all greasy from pepperoni. Don't use the mirror as a plate, buddy. Well, we thought you had a sinus infection. No, your sinuses are clogged with pepperoni oil. Oh, Lund's active. Parmesan.

Lund's moving. I'm back. Parmesan as Diego. Romano. What was that guy? Oh, yeah. I'm lou sargento from sargento cheese our family's fashion is cheese was he in the commercial that was my first character i ever did an improv you made him up no lou sargento was in the commercials dude i have headphones in nice stop god and that one wasn't wet and bulbous like your first one in the car.

I've had some bad ones today. Yeah, you did the Ghostbusters. What did I sound like? You sounded like the dogs in Ghostbusters 1. The ones that fucking hunt down Rick Moranis. There's just one, right? There's two. Well, they both turn into dogs, if you remember correctly.

That's right. Yes. I just watched Ghostbusters 2. Also very fun. I don't think it's as funny, but there's cool ghost special effects in 2. Yeah, well, I just remember all the ooze. All that pink goo.

Yeah, slime, your favorite. Oh, shit. Dude. Wait, no. Don't start talking about slime again. Well, I'm just saying saying if you trace the lineage of me getting into comedy it's all from ghostbusters and stripes oh yeah those movies were super seminal and important to me but then the slime was big because as a boy the big thing

was to get like a can of shaving cream and i had the ghostbusters house and you just cover the whole house the firehouse and shaving cream like the marshmallow fluff from when Stay Puft explodes. Yeah. Yeah, so I did that and I went through a huge shaving cream period in my life where I was using it to style my hair and then I'd go to school and by second period it would just like dry and it would look like you had the worst dandruff in the world. But you kept doing it? Yeah, because I was like, look, look at the bounce and volume it gives me. But it looks all you make gives me periods one and two it looks cool on the school bus

yeah most people saw that that look yeah and then only a few people in class saw the uh the hideous after effects right yeah just me huh with my ill-fitting black t-shirt covered in the most white powder i I'm sure they might have. Like, Little Feet used my shirt. I'm sure I might have missed an actual attempt at an explanation. But Ghostbusters 2 is funny because they're like pariahs. Like, nobody cares about them. And it's only been a couple years since they literally saved New York City.

They're doing kids' birthdays at the beginning of that movie. Right, and the kids hate them. And nobody cares. They're all just like a joke. It wasn't like 20 years later. They saved all of society from supernatural horror and chaos. I guess maybe the mayor made it sound like they were to blame. Like they caused the problem and then solved it. Well, they were, if you remember, because that guy from the Environmental Protection

Agency makes them turn off the containment unit. Yeah, but that's his fault. I know, but he doesn't take the fall. The Ghostbusters take the fall. Yeah. Because they have, like, a radioactive bomb, effectively, in the center of Manhattan. They caused an explosion. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. What's he say? Your Honor, this man has no penis. No, he doesn't. Yeah, Bill Murray says that about that guy. And that's what you just said. caused an explosion yeah what's he saying this your honor this man has no penis no yeah yeah bill murray said that about that guy and that's what you just said the comic in alaska yeah resorted to out of frustration with a bad crowd yep he wanted to feel something even if it was potentially a beer bottle to the head he was murrying he went full bill but yeah and then the all the ghosts escape and that's when they have to go

save the city from yeah from zool there is no day no only zool this is more of a ghostbusters recap podcast now dude that was it i turned away that was the dog that was the cerebus the best is when uh you do like the perfect Barney or Homer burp. I've only done it a couple times in my life, but man, it's pretty fun. Just that perfect burp. But yeah, this is more Ghostbusters for sure. Ghostbusters 2 was cool, though, because there's Viggo the Carpathian, who comes out of the painting.

And there's that little weird Eastern European gay man who's like, Viggo! Yeah, he's hilarious in that fucking movie. He's so funny. Yeah, that's back when you could have a gay guy be a caricature and it was still cool. He was also, well, he wasn't gay because he lusted after Sigourney Weaver. He was gay enough for me. Gay enough.

Yeah, Sigourney Weaver was very masculine in that film. No. Oh, yeah. That's insane. I love Sigourney Weaver. Don't get me wrong. No. Oh, yeah. That's insane. I love Sigourney Weaver. Don't get me wrong. Look, dude, if you really trace, I love slime. I love goop.

I love being funny. And also, I love short-haired women. And at the end of Ghostbusters 1, when Zuul comes to life, it's that short hair woman with the red hair. Yeah. I mean, that's... Plus, what's her name? No. Janine.

Well, Janine Melnitz. She had short hair. Yeah. I mean, that's... Plus, what's her name? No. Janine. Well, Janine Groff. Janine Melnitz. She had short hair. She did. No, she had short hair glasses, yeah. That did it for you, right? Dude, you remember that time, like 2003 to 2009, when every woman cut her hair real short? That was your renaissance.

I was smushing and gushing. I was shakap gushing. I was shaka-poosa. Nothing but chunks. Oops, all chunks. I've got to throw away these corduroy shorts. They're chunked out. They're smooth. There's no rivets anymore.

There's no corduroy lineage. When I was poor, I'd make love to a woman in my corduroy shorts. Dude, when I was poor, and I would make... It's all filled up. Yeah, I'd make love to a woman in my corduroy shorts, and then, you know, they get pretty stiff. Like, these shorts, by the end of it, I could have fucking taken

a pizza out of the oven with these things. I could have slid it in the wood fire. Fucking concrete. Yeah. God, that was a good time. You cocked it.

Mm-hmm. Cocked your shorts. Yeah, yeah. Sealed them. Oh, yeah. Sealed them. Oh, yeah. I was kissed by a rose for sure. I was kissed by E-Rose, the god of eroticism. Shit.

Stop making noises. My water. You want some of mine? There wasn't water in there. Yeah, let me get it. Here you go. I'm parched. Yeah, well, we haven't had any water today.

All we've had is green tea and coffee from the meanest man alive. We weren't allowed water at the dim sum restaurant. God, they really were holding on to it. Yeah, they were just like, you can either have soup dumpling filling or tea. Those are your liquids. They were low on water. Oh, I did it. That was a good move when, you know, they got the cart service,

so everybody's offering different treats on their cart as they go by, table to table. Well, towards the end of the meal, there was a guy that had a cart, but it was all, he was bussing tables. So it was just all the garbage and food scraps and dirty dishes. And as it pulled up, I said, do you guys want anything? He loved it. And everybody loved it. Yeah, but he laughed really hard. He loved it.

He bowed. No, he didn't. He saluted, which was awkward. He did, yeah. Because he fought for it the other side. He cut off his queen and gave it to you. really hard he loved it he bowed no he did he saluted which was awkward he did yeah because he fought for the other side he cut off his queen and gave it to you queen isn't that the name of their ponytail their ceremonial top knot i don't know but if you nailed it that's hilarious it's called a queen you just know i know everything everyone forgets queeb yeah it's a queen whoops whoops all chance whoops all queeps you guys want any chunk yeah so we went to dim sum with the owner of polarities where we are right downtown cleveland

cleve low beautiful spot i like it down here i do too yeah you like it because there's no one around it's not that humid it's abandoned you don't have to talk to anyone last night it was buck wild last night was nips to nips well it was buck wild. Last night was brutal. Nips to nips. Well, it was buck wild for less than a third of the block. And you were like, ugh. Gag me with a spoon. Ooh, take me to hell, Betsy. I'm here.

Let me out. My mom's. Vincent Price. Take me with you. Vincent Price. Yeah. We should just have the headstone say, I'll see you down yeah see you soon see you soon sam you're next just everybody everybody that reads it you're next just said seven days yeah this is the new Ring video. Yeah.

That'd be cool to make it a tourist destination. Next stop, hell. Oh, from train to Busan. We had fun with that. Oh, dude, yeah. Next stop, hell. Sorry, folks. My God.

Well, it said it all. I misspoke. No, this is just inside jokes. No, the train conductor getting on the PA. At the end of the train to Busan. Train full of zombies. And they finally think they're safe. And the train conductor says, next stop, hell. I'm just kidding, folks.

Sorry. Next stop, Busan. Actually, God, I'm sorry. That was in bad taste. We've been through a lot today. It's been a long day. We're trying to have a little fun up here. Yeah, I thought it would cut the tension.

A little levity wouldn't hurt. A little too soon. Next time, too soon. We're heading to Busan, don't worry. Or are we? I couldn't help myself, everyone. I've been alone up front in this train car all day. All I've been able to hear is screams

from passengers and co-workers alike. I didn't know what to do. I stayed up here, and I'm a little bit ashamed. And now I'm letting out tension in a weird way. I thought you guys might want a little taste of that. This is all in Korean with subtitles. Yeah. Just over-explaining the joke.

And he's not even talking anymore. He got punched up for the joke. And he's not even talking anymore. He got punched up for the DVD. Funnier than ever. Now with more goofs. Train to Busan. That'd be cool if they ran a train in Busan. That's the porno. It's a bunch of horny zombies just savaging

Lisa Sparks on a train. That's what you guys should do at the train festival next year is have a sex car you're not gonna be there i'm probably booked oh you missed this year i did yeah i was in australia oh yeah having the time of your life i was having a very good time and also shout out to all the fucking the cleveland i did dump the bed let's dump the bed remember folks he dumped the bed. You dumped the bed. Remember, folks? He dumped the bed. He chunked his own ass. I did.

I chunked hard. Your ass chunked shit. Oh, yeah. That train car was full. It was bad. Next stop, the dumpster. Yeah. Just a pillowcase full of shitty sheets over my shoulder.

Time to make the donuts. Yeah, it's a living. Yeah. Nothing to see here. Next stop, hell. Yeah. Just kidding, folks. I'm going to the dumpster.

There's a lot of human shit in this pillowcase. It's mine. Don't worry. Allegedly. Yeah, it didn't come standard with the room. Yeah.

I had to pay extra. I got the upgrade. Can I have my room pre-chunked? I don't want it scattered and capped though Covered is fine Medium well I want them well done That's a Waffle House joke

Shout out to all the people who came to the show Last night you saw me open for Tim Dillon That's cool Not last night Yeah, last night Everyone who bought the book was like, I saw you open for Tim Dillon. That's cool. Not last night. Yeah, last night. Everyone who bought the book was like, I saw you open for Tim. You were great. Oh my god, why aren't you a billionaire? But in Columbus, you're saying?

Or another time? No, here in Cleveland. Oh. The last show of the tour in America was in Cleveland, I think. I'm confusing your gigs. Yeah. You opened for Tim. You also just opened for Shane. Yeah, Columbus. Shout Tim. You also just opened for Shane. Yeah, Columbus.

Shout out to all the dogs in Columbus. Everyone was very nice. That was cool, man. When they announced me, when Six announced me, they were like, Hey, we got a really special guest spot for you guys. Everyone's Sam Talent. And the dogs were fucking barking. So that felt good. Nice.

They were stoked. And then I got up there and just click, click, boom. Liquefied him. Oh, yeah. It was funny because the guys who run the club, we went out afterward, and they're like, Sam, we've got to have you back to headline, man. That was great. And Shane was like, wow, Chris, you featured.

They didn't ask you to come back. Chris O'Connor, that poor guy. Whoops. He's great. He's super funny, but Shane really fucking terrorizes that kid. You did the guest spot. Yeah, I just did 10 before O'Connor. And the guys were like, we gotta have you back.

It was a hell of a time. We really loved it. You really gave them the business up there, big fella. And Shane's like, ooh, brutal, Chris. Where's your offer to come back, huh? Yeah, that's funny. And then Shane gets drunk and he's like, hanging out with four middles. Dude, I'm not a middle.

I did you a favor, you fucking flat-faced pig yeah we drank 47 bud lights between the four of us in the green room down there and then we went out and had a million green tea shots and i rolled into cleveland yesterday pretty hungover yeah one eye closed i hit up shane i was like hey man you want to go to the franklin conservatory it's like the best botanical garden in the united states and shane was like no that's gay no i'm it pisses me off that you want to do that why would you suggest that and i was like you don't like flowers bro it was he's got a brand he's not a romantic like you and i where we go hold hands in front of a popcorn shop chunk into the chagrin falls in order in honor of my mom i should have whizzed like i did uh

new year's eve at the uh what's it called bellagio oh this is nice he's mourning folks stand back sam's mom died She lived here for a while. Everyone starts crying. They're like, Lisbeth. Lisbeth passed away. The whole city's in ruins. They all remember her. Yeah, just tearing their hair out in the street.

No, what do we do with this? I need to get it out. The popcorn shop guy comes out. He's like, hey, free taffy for everyone. Just kidding, folks. I'm sorry. That was... Next stop, taffy town. Sorry, bit of a low blow.

We all mourn our own unique ways. I knew Lizbeth. I knew Betsy. She's a hell of a woman. She loved getting fingered. I bait her under the table and she reached over in kind. Oh, yeah. She spent a lot of time under the table and she reached over in kind. Oh, yeah.

She spent a lot of time under the table, if you know what I mean. How's Tom doing, huh? Tom's still good? You know, they hooked up. Never told Julie. Oh, yeah. So they grew up. Tom and Julie have known each other forever before they got married.

They started dating at nine or something? Oh, they all went to high school together. Yeah. My mom is like seven years older than Aunt Julie. Okay. So Tom is Aunt Julie's age. But he knew my mom from like, you know, they grew up around the corner. You saw their proximity.

Yes. Yeah, so. You could almost chunk it from one lawn to the other. Oh, yeah. Especially back in like 1965. You took a week off. Korean War's on. You take a week off and then you're like.

Yeah. Uncle Tom climbs up on the fourth story of his secret house he never told us about. He's up there in the conservatory. Putting holes in William Taylor's fucking house. Yeah, I was glad we didn't have the awkward encounter with the current homeowners. Oh, yeah. We show up sweating. We were out there for like eight minutes or whatever, but it felt like longer because I'm like, all right, come on. Because, again, a bunch of thin blue line flags.

So it's only a matter of time before a cop rolls by like, hey, what are you guys up to? Nothing. My mom lived here. Just kills us both. More like fat blue line. Just kidding, guys. My mom lived here. Just kills us both. More like Fat Blue Line. Just kidding, guys. I'm sorry. I know I just shot you, but I figured a couple laughs might help until the ambulance gets here.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Not about the shooting. The alleged shooting? Yeah. My bad. We got a strong union, so I'm gonna i'm gonna probably get out of this with a slap on the wrist remember last night when emily's friend dumped him on accident

how could i forget that was awesome you were you were pretty coy about it but i embraced the moment well you know chelsea more better than i do oh yeah so it was a little more awkward for me and you were like, whoa, boy, boy, boy, boy. You're wearing hell yeah. And I was like, come on, man. Hey, Craig, good. He chunked. Mississippi queen. He started chunking it.

Yeah, my shorts got really tight. Wait till later. Yeah. Yeah, she was wearing like a sheer under blouse. And she came out of the bathroom. And she didn't realize she took her dress off and that her blouse was completely see-through. Like mesh. And she's just standing there being like, and another thing about the Mexicans.

And I was like, uh, blogger, what? And then her boyfriend was like, Chelsea, your fucking tits are out. And she was like, oh, sorry. And then I said, nice, lun, and went for the high five with you. And you were like, stop, stop, stop it. This is awkward. Yeah, it this is awkward yeah it ruled yeah it's sick she's a beautiful woman and to see those she doesn't have them but what she has we saw she doesn't have them but she does i mean everyone has a little goes a long way oh yeah i mean any

breast in the wild is exciting that's why i'm not allowed at that uh the food court at park meadows mall because all the girls go there to breastfeed. And I'm just walking around being like, uh, samples? Samples? I'll take mine to go. Yeah. Can I have it from the tap?

Jesus. David Tell's in the big room here at Hilarities. Oh man, it was fun to watch him. Fuck yeah. I watched Shane's Hour on Thursday. Very funny, but goddamn, it tells a master. Yeah.

Yeah. Skanks for the Memories is so perfect. And like an idiot, when I was younger, I thought that it was like one of the shows as opposed to a compilation of probably four shows in the weekend. But man, if that were, and to a certain extent, I'm sure it was. I think it was one show. Because why would he leave in kid show business? I don't know, because it's a good riff.

I don't know. I guess. But yeah, maybe it was one of the however many shows. But regardless, incredible hour of comedy. Retardless. It's right there. Yeah. If you see a peach,

you gotta pull it off the vine. Take a big bite. Don't eat the pit. You eat the pit, I heard. You swallow it, you think it's good. I don't like it.

I don't like stone fruit innards. You're like, mmm. Nutrients. It's like, no. Hard. It's poison.

You chew it. But yeah, dude, fucking Att a tell just in hilarities friday early show super fun doing what he has to to survive is so funny well and it always sucks when like i don't like uh watching or paying attention to the crowd at all because it gets frustrating and for most of it i was able to just enjoy it with you but there were times where i was like shut the fuck up you showed up late right like you showed up five minutes into the headliner set you bought tickets for this and then what beefed it had an extra fucking martini around the corner so then you show up and then you immediately start loudly ordering drinks and like act just acting like do youslides? Can we get a round of mudslides over here?

Can we get six green tea shots? Yeah. And a couple of pineapple upside down cake shots? I heard the Guardians won, so we should probably celebrate during this legend set. Yeah, fucking sucks. God. It sucks to be reminded of how little people care about stand-up comedy, the thing that we love so much.

Well, it's also tough to watch arguably the best doing it now on stage and having to deal with the same bullshit. It's like it doesn't get better. And we do, yeah. It's never going to get better. Right. He rules and then he's still...

I mean, it was full. It was sold out. Yeah. So there is that, like, respect or whatever. But he's, like, clearly not having any fun on stage. He's just doing the job. And then every now and then he'll laugh at something he said, and you're like, all right, cool.

Yeah. But then it's just, there's check drop, there's all that bullshit, and it's like, oh, cool. I feel like a gay 12-year-old in 1955, and their teacher, or our teacher writes like, it gets better on a report card, but it doesn't get any better. Doesn't get better, you just die.

You just pass away. You just have a couple more bucks in your wallet when you shit the bed. Who's that guy? I don't know. Old Sid. Old Sid. You just shit the bed in Australia instead of Oshkosh, Wisconsin. We're going to Oshkosh.

No, we're going to Madison. For New Year's. New Year's Eve, baby. New Year's Eve at the fucking Comedy on State, dog. Shake on it. Me, you, Donnie T. Donnie T. will host. Oh, hell yeah.

That's fun. Donnie Townsend will bring his kid, leave him in the car. He'll be winter. Yeah, I know. So he won't burn up. No, he'll be fine. He'll be fine. Yeah.

Donnie's been putting a little top hat on his baby. It's hilarious. He sends me photos of a nude boy with a top hat on. Excellent. If I go down for this one, it's worth it. You get in trouble? I think if you have photos of a nude child... From a friend?

I don't know. I don't know how it works. Maybe alright. It's not like you bought them from a guy. Yeah, it's not like I sent Donnie a bunch of Monero and was like, put the top hat on. I'm gonna go chunk. God. I think the kid's name is like Laszlo.

No, it's like, what is it? Corinthian? It's something insane. Leather? It's not leather. That's not the boy's name. What's going on out there? Is this the fucking Blue Angels again?

Motorcycle race. God, the Blue Angels. I thought it was 9-11 Cleveland edition yesterday before you got here. I know. I was checking in. I checked in for a hotel. I was doing the valet, and the Blue Angels flew over, and I was like, oh, cool. I die in Cleveland.

This is great. Whoa. That was them. Every five minutes I heard them. I didn't know you did sound effects. Yeah, fuck yeah. Oh, them. Every five minutes I heard them. I didn't know you did sound effects. Yeah, fuck it. Oh, shit. Stop, stop.

Diddy now, diddy now. I'm chunking. Was an ambulance here? Yeah, because of all the chunked up bodies from the machine gun spray. I did not want to die in Cleveland. Yeah, it sounded insane. And I didn't know that the blue i didn't know until it tells mentioned them that that was what was going on i was like that train is fucking what right overhead yeah it runs through the hotel i didn't get it i'm an idiot obviously i was very sleep deprived when i got to the hotel yeah and cranky you don't even know. I do know how mad you were. I was pissed, dude. It sucked.

Yeah. It sucked to think, okay, I'm always overthinking. I'm always bugging Sam. Uh-huh. I don't need to. I'm glad you're aware of that. Sam took care of it. And, of course, you didn't. I did.

No, you didn't. I gave you the man's phone number. You did everything that you... Well, not everything. You did enough. I didn't give you the name of the hotel. It should have been enough. Yeah. What you did should have been enough uh-huh and it wasn't and you flew overnight you're tired you're cranky you haven't had enough taffy no taffy in sight yeah they don't sell gummies on

the plane this sucks so yeah uh i was at the airport for two hours, pacing back and forth in passenger pickup. It's humid. I was asleep in Tommy Pope's hotel room. Sunny and humid. I was living it up. God damn it. A beautiful Italian man woke me up and told me he was going on a run. I was like, nice.

And you joined him. No, I did not. I went back to bed. You went on a jog. No, no. I went back to the sleep realm. You're a jogger. Where I'm strong.

You're a real jogger. Where I'm Tommy Pope. Where I'm the fucking Guido with the greasy perfect hair. Anyway, you were in the airport, you were pissed,

you were like, I'm still here. And then I woke up and was like, I just woke up. He's like, did you do anything to help yourself?

Did you call the guy whose number I gave you? I texted him, I didn't hear back. And then daddy had to step in and be like, hey, Len's at the airport.

And he was like, I'm on it, boss. Don't worry. Is that what happened? Yeah. Quit worrying about your phone. Shut up. Who cares? Literally, yeah. What, are you going to miss a text from your wife?

No, not who cares you. Who cares me to you? Who cares that I unplugged my phone because it's at 100%? They hear it. Leave it. The listeners hear it. Drop it. Becker.

Drop it. What did we do that with? My sister. With what? Anything. Oh, yeah. Yeah, my sister, blackout drunk, trying to argue with me about opening a bottle of wine. Bringing something up from eighth grade.

Yeah, that was it. Yeah. Did you open this wine? No, Sam. Why would you even ask me that? And you no-sell it. And then she's like. Why would you even ask me that? And you no-sell it And then she's like, why would you even ask me? And then, yeah

You should have said, drop it What is that? Drop it Put it down, Sophie Leave it Leave it I should have just shaken some keys at her Thrown them across the yard And she would have gone on all fours.

Spray bottle. Yeah, I'd love to fucking squirt Sophie in the face with some vinegar. Might be the only... Well, no, not vinegar. Water. Water. No, no. I want to be like a new cat who gets on the counter.

Her makeup starts melting. There's like some terrible reaction that I don't know about with vinegar and Maybelline. Gets in a cut. Yeah. Steve! Ooh! She melts. like some terrible reaction that i don't know about with vinegar and maybelline gets in a cut yeah steve oh she melts it was funny amy miller my sister was blasted at sophie's birthday party and uh amy is sitting on the couch between me and sophie and sophie would say something malicious and amy would be like you're such a fucking terrorist like amy's saying everything that i can't say.

She's speaking for you. Yeah, yeah, because I live in fear of my sister. Yeah, hell yeah. Oh, Lund's pulled back the curtain. Oh my god, there's streaks on the sheets. Stop rummaging. This isn't ASMR. I thought I could have just the fucking...

There it is. How many sheets are on your bed? There's a lot of sheets. I asked for extra sheets. I brought you a sheets pretzel yesterday and woke you up with it. That's when sheets? That's how much I care about you. That's a sheets pretzel.

It was really good. Now, the Wawa cream cheese pretzel is superior, but that sheets cheddar filled, it'll do. Really? Oh, yeah. The fucking cream cheese in the pretzel is awesome. I don't know. The one I had yesterday was really good. You didn't have it hot.

No. That's how I know it was good. You know what I should have done with that is when you were asleep, I should have lifted up your body and put it underneath you so when you woke up, you're like, oh, what the fuck? I fucking hate you. I hate being alive. What the fuck are we doing here?

Oh, pretzel. That was when I was drinking. Oh, yeah. What the fuck are we doing here? Oh, pretzel. That was when I was drinking. Oh, yeah. You act like I was the best all the time, but you got a lot of hungover asshole lung.

I didn't care. I was just so excited. Well, yeah, you're fucking 12 years older than me. I idolized you. I mean, when I met you, I was 21. You were 34. No. You were riding a motorcycle. You had a swastika on your forehead.

Yeah, you're like, I'm Manson. I love that part. That's true. It was in pen. Yeah, you're like, I'm Manson. Wow, that part. That's true. It was in pen. Yeah, you were swat up. It was Halloween. Yeah. I flapped a swat on my own forehead.

You did. It was mostly a lazy Halloween costume thing as opposed to, I love Charles Manson. I just wanted something quick and easy. Yeah, we all did. And those were short-haired women. And they were quick and they were easy. They were quick and they were dead. And my corduroys were rock hard.

We had a nice night last night. Oh, wait. One more thing. Go ahead. About the airport, I forgot. After the almost two full hours where I'm just like really not sure what the hell to do. How does this end? Whatever.

When does it end? How many people are going with me when it does end? Yeah. Will Betsy remember me when I see her? That's right. Yeah. She'll show me around. Hey, Lun, this is, we used to call him Dolph down here.

He's pretty cool. Dolpho. He's pretty cool. The man. Yeah. It's Dolph Lundgren. Yeah, of course you call him Dolph down here. He's pretty cool. Dolpho. He's pretty cool. The man. Yeah. It's Dolph Lundgren. Yeah, of course you call him that, Betsy. Adolph Lundgren.

Mm-hmm. I go to the bathroom to take a whiz. Go to the bathroom, Lund. Yes. I tell myself, go to the bathroom, Lund. Maybe you'll find some answers in there. Yeah. Maybe someone will tap your toe underneath the stall.

Looking at some wild gay sex anonymously. A senator or congressman will give me a ticket to heaven yeah uh but no i go into the bathroom and an older gentleman had walked in before me and i go in there and he has his full ass out at the urinal excellent first i see his bag because it's like right in the path the walking area. And it's like alright dickhead. And then I look up from the bag

and it's just his whole ass. Just pulled his shorts down not to his ankles he didn't let them drop but he fucking as if he needed to have his whole ass out

in order to take a piss. Some guys knew dude. Was he wearing overalls? No no he had shorts just little shorts. He didn't Was he wearing overalls? No, no, he had shorts. Just little shorts. He didn't go underneath like I do?

No. Oh, my God. I've got to show this guy some shit. Went from the top down. I love seeing a fucking wild ass in a urinal. And he yanked him. And it was, ugh. It was both the last thing that I wanted to see because I was frustrated and tired.

But it also helped a little because I thought to myself, all right, a little levity, a little prank. Yeah, it was a real train to Busan moment. He turns around and he's like, I'm just kidding. I'm sorry. I know you had a long morning. I've seen you looking at your phone and sighing and cursing under your breath. And I thought, hey, I know what this guy needs. I've been standing at the urinal for 17 minutes.

A couple of cheeks. Yeah, a couple of old, sour cheeks. It's on display. Anyway, you're welcome. Sam sent me. He says he's sorry. Sam's at the hotel. He's waiting for you.

Come on over. Your car's outside. I'm actually your driver. My name is on his butt cheeks. Blonde. It's like, oh, shit. Sorry, I was hoping to make up for you. Hop in here, get in the limo.

Next stop, hell. I went to the wrong airport at first, so I figured I'd try to lighten your spirits a little bit. I was an eerie this morning. Anyway, get in. Come on in here. Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I saw a guy. There was a weird guy at the Barnes & Noble in Columbus.

Oh, yeah, we both had weird bathroom adventures. I walked in. I went in there ready to... You had to dump, right? I had to pull the pin on a fucking howitzer of a buck grenade. And I go in, and there's just this old guy. There's two stalls on the right, one on the left. The left and the right are occupied except for one on the right. And he's just standing between the two doors on the right, one on the left. The left and the right are occupied except for one on the right.

And he's just standing between the two doors against the wall, so the one that's open I can go use. But he's this old man leaning on a cane. You got freaked out for some reason. Well, I didn't know what he was up to. I didn't want him just in there fucking Jimmy Johns-ing it. You know, free-smelling. Yeah.

Reminds me of Da Nang. Good stuff. Yeah, body's burning. So so yeah we're in there and uh i'm like i think he needs help i think he's like lost or he has dementia or he got you know his group forgot him or whatever i'd like some taffy please do you have any milk it's all the doctor says i could have i can't have water the ph is too much but i could have some milk so he's just standing in there and i'm like well he's probably waiting for like his friend or his husband his old weird gay husband is in there he needs to give him a hand

but he's just lurking so i'm like all right i'm gonna wait for him to bail but he's not bailing i hope that you don't fill your pants all right because i so i went and sat and read on writing by stephen king just pinching my cheeks i like the control i like the power intermittent shitting that's what i'm doing getting off yeah so i'm corked up nobody tells me when i poop i except that old man kind of was. Except my sister. Go to the bathroom! So I wait for him to leave and instead just like a little nine-year-old boy

walks out. It's the old man. He's like, it worked! That's why he was in there. He's waiting for his turn at Eternal Youth. Yeah. The Upper Decker of youth.

If you shit in the top of this toilet, you go back to the happiest time in your life. Or you shit in the top and then also write down your wish on a piece of paper. Put that in the top of the toilet. Flush. The wish comes true. Right. Yeah, you go back to when you were the most alive and he comes out, he's 19, he's wearing fucking fatigues. His fingers smell like my mom's pussy.

That was in Columbus? That was in Columbus. So this little boy comes out, and I'm like, oh, cool, he was just waiting for his grandson to use the toilet. Yeah, he was in there as backup emotional support. No, the grandson, the boy leaves. he was in there as backup emotional support no the grandson the boy leaves or like me he was to prevent somebody like me from walking in on the grandson like i did on that young boy at the louvre god that was he's trying to prevent that yeah oh that sucks that was an international incident hopefully he's doing all right he's fine he doesn't think about it every night when he

shuts his eyes before bed i would yeah just i'd be you. I'd be scarred. Yeah. Yeah, me. Wee-wee. Trying to... No, he was American. Oh, thank God. So we were able to... Well, if he was European, it'd be better, actually, because they don't care.

I guess. They let the kids get diddled all they want. Have a glass of wine. Have your way with my boy. It's continental. You've got to grow up sometime. Yeah, I might as well be here in my own house

where I know you're safe. The mom diddles? The parent diddles? Nah, they have friends over. They pass them around it's a european thing uncle terry it's a whole different vibe but uh yeah the kid walks out and i'm like where's grandpa grandpa should be out any second no grandpa comes out like 13 minutes later so he was just in there you're dying he's just in there whiffing the boy's turd yeah what's he doing this perl wasn't with the boy no you established that yes separate the boy went on his merry way he was sucking on a brand new lollipop i don't know he got it in there

yeah and then the grandpa comes out and you know you can tell he's fucking pingo jones yeah he's exhausted i chunked i chunked in the sink that's where i got it yeah then you stole it yeah i chunked in the sink. That's where I got it from. Yeah, then you stole it. Yeah. I chunked in the sink here yesterday. Oh, yeah. I thought we already mentioned that. No, no.

I thought we led with that. We talked about chunking, but I chunked off. Oh, but you didn't mention the sink. No. Yeah, you asked if I needed the bathroom and then immediately said, well, you don't. You answered your own question. Right. And I didn't, luckily, have to plop. Well, I watched you sleep for two hours

and like that's a real erotic experience just seeing you almost nude i keep thinking this is very funny but you didn't change the channel on the tv you just left it on triple d's yeah well i wish it was on triple d's it was on diners drive-ins and i ordered triple d's yeah yeah well i didn't know i figured, he's already pissed at me. He was inconvenienced for 40 minutes, so I'm the enemy now. Two hours. So the next, all this whole weekend is going to be me just trying to fucking console him. And it hasn't been.

Make him feel better. Well, luckily my mom, you know, whose dad grew up a half hour away from here, so you're not allowed to be mean to me. I woke up fine. Yeah, you woke up. I was good. You were good. You said, I wish i died in my sleep you were scared i was i was walking on eggshells to the point where i did not turn off the television i ate a bunch of eggs who cares there's a bunch of eggshells in the sink yeah it's a hotel no no they're on the

ground you were walking on i get the bit you don't get it i get it but yeah i left on triple d because i thought it was part of your sleep process. All right? But it wasn't. You just have to fall asleep to a man that you want to emulate in your life, which is Guy Fieri. And then... I like having the TV on. It's not weird.

Well, I was hungover and I could have chonked while you were asleep. That would have been the right thing. That would have been the correct move. Instead, I came in, I showered right away. I got all that Tommy Pope grease off of me. That's why you showered, because you were sweaty from drinking a bunch. Oh, yeah. Typically, you don't shower.

I had 25 drinks the night before. You don't like showering. I love showering. I just don't do it all the time, because I care about nature. I care about conserving the water we have. It has nothing to do with that. Yes, it does. I want to make a change, and if I can't change the world, I'll change myself.

Buy a fucking reusable coffee cup instead of a new one at Starbucks every time, and then talk to me about doing anything about the Earth. Yeah, well, we all can't just secede from America and go live in the sex change capital of the world. Trinidad. Sovereign citizen. Sovereign citizen. So, you're in your underwear right now, which is... Yeah, who cares? I have a shirt on.

Not for long. Makes it better. Doesn't it? And I'm covered up. Look at the shorts you're wearing. Yeah, look how modest you are. At least I have shorts on. Yeah, kind of. Barely. They're like a singlet.

Right, yeah. They're like shorter right now, especially. Look what's going on in your genital area. My peen's inverted right now. Yeah, it's an innie. It's buried. It's scared of me. My balls ate my dick. That was funny last night when Attell said, yeah, she's wet on the front and the back.

Yeah. He said so many funny things. And then he was rad. He's like, yeah, Stan Hope said your book is great. He sent me a copy. That's awesome. I was smoking a cig in the green room with him. He's nice. Yeah, that's cool.

He's a cool guy. He loves comedy. He loves good comedy. Yeah. So that's why he likes me and he hates you. He didn't see me. He didn't want to. I don't think he saw you either. I think so. I don't think he did. He told me he watched all my clips. Oh, yeah. I'm lying. He didn't say that.

Yeah, but I don't think he watched anyone's clip. It's a cool setup. Both rooms are just kind of nice, classy looking. I don't know. He dated our friend. Yeah, yeah. Maybe she listens. I wish that her and I would hook up so I could be like Attell or Eskimo Bros.

That'd be sick. Lead with that. Hey, A-Frame, I got some hot beats for you. Put on your bib. I'm about to spill some tea. Remember that woman with the complex fingernails? Well, they were in my body too, but no. Hey, Attell, why don't you try and get as small as you can? I'll see if I can

fit you inside of me. That'd be crazy. Cram him? Yeah. Cram him till I chunk. Oh, man. Well, yeah. So we're in Ohio, and then we go home, and we're in the High Plains Comedy Festival. Hell of a lineup. Hell of a lineup.

Make sure you come out. Hey, all you fucking heads, get your ticket to go see Chubby Behemoth live podcast recording. Mutiny Information Cafe, Saturday at the 14th? 4 o'clock. This Saturday at 4 o'clock. Come on out. We're going to pack it. We'll have some special guests. Last year was great. I was pleasantly surprised at our

crowd. We packed it. Our turnout. Yeah. So I want this year, I think this year will be even better. I just want the heads to be there so we can just do a bunch of inside jokes. Yeah. Yeah. We can be like, Bacchus got them. Coast. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Just say chunked for an hour. That would be great. Bring up Toad. Yeah. Now we're out. Hard out on Toad. That's all I have is the Fine Gentleman's Club show and the podcast recording, so I'm excited for both. Yeah, Fine Gentleman's Club on Friday night, 11 o'clock, last show of the night.

The High Plains Comedy Festival. Come on down and watch a goddamn show. Come on down. We're going to have some pyro and some goddamn sword swallowing kind of shit. We're going to be eating eggs with the shell. And then we're going to be in Cincinnati at Go Nanners. WKRP. That's right.

I'm going to be the busty blonde that everyone diddled. What was her name? I don't know. Fucking Misty Peaks. Shit. Lori? No. Lori Kilmartin? Lori Callahan? Yeah, it was Lori Callahan. Lori Callahan here. Hey, a little pleasure to meet you. It's me, Lori Callahan. Let me put

a little tomato juice in your beer so you get a little vitamin D. You boys need some nutrients. I know how you're living out there, drinking the free beers. Come here and let me swallow your load. Let me swallow a little bit of that chunk you got in there. I'll take it. I won't say a word. She diddled all of us.

She took advantage. Hey, if you want to come up to Mingles and Gillette, why don't you let me sit on your face for a little while? I'll tell you when it's time to breathe again. She was an evil spirit. She just all pilled out, trying to bang 23-year-olds. Yeah, she had light in her eyes until, like, you know, 11 p.m., and then it turned very dark.

Let me swallow your load. Let me hide your balls for a little while. Look, hippie man's getting old. I'm tired of sucking down that tainted seed. Hey, Chris Charpentier, can you do 20 minutes? What about on stage? Are you going to do 20 minutes? What about on stage?

You want to wear Mama Laurie like a goddamn umpire's mask. Yeah, Cincinnati, we're going to be there, man. Let's go Nanners. Oh, Nanners is going to be hot. I fucking love Cincy. One of my favorite weekends of the year. That's the third weekend of September. Me and Lund will be out there.

15th, 16th, 17th, 18th? Yeah, whatever. 14th through 17th?'s the third weekend of September. Me and Lund will be out there. 15th, 16th, 17th, 18th? Yeah, whatever. 14th through 17th? Whatever the third weekend is. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. That's right. Very good. It's a long run, baby.

It's worth it. It's fun, man. It's long, baby. It is long, baby. There's going to be a lot of inside jokes in Cincinnati. Oh, yeah.

We be joking. Why don't you make a plate of Skyline Chili in your pants and then let me eat it on a glass table? Lori Kaelin. I know. I'm telling secrets. She's been dead

long enough. It's okay to be honest now. We did the honorable thing for a fellow fallen comedian comrade and we avoided sharing some of the dark secrets of our shared past, and now let's have some fun with it.

Yeah, Deacon's up there featuring for her in heaven. Giving her notes. I'm at Comedy Fort the 23rd and 24th of September. Well, that's fun. Yeah, that'll be fun. I was there with Amy Miller. We had a great time. I know, yeah. I'll be up there headlining that. And then off to Seattle the 29th of September at the Hereafter.

Let's fucking move some tickets up there don't get a big draw in seattle it turns out uh and then i will be probably i think in des moines i don't know check out the website guys but hey me too though hold on no no no i'll be doing a show uh september 30th in lewisville colorado i'm at tilt pinball no way tilt and then the next night is a Don't Tell Comedy in Fort Collins. Holy shit, don't smell on your own stage. I'm not supposed to tell. For the Chubbheads.

For the Chubby Chaser. Do you know where it is? The Lyric. Oh, it's sick. I did that one earlier this week. Yeah, they're back at the Lyric. It's awesome. I guess maybe you have to sign up for Don't Tell's email list to go. I don't know. Figure it out. DontTellComedy.com.

You have to do a 23andMe and prove that you're not Pakistani. Oh, they're going through it, man. Oh, I know. They're having a tough time. They're all floating. Well, it's because the guy that runs it is from Azerbaijan. Anyway, really inside baseball there. Gotcha.

But. Deep cut. Deep cut. But yeah, that's October 1st. Join the fucking Patreon, you little cum pigs. There's a lot of good ones. Oh, dude, we're the best on there. Patreon.com.

We already put out the Patreon, didn't we? I don't know. Yeah, we did earlier this week. Oh, we did. All right. Yeah, all right. Nice. We don't have to do another one.

We're good. But I'm bad. It's good to be bad. I like being good. I'm bad at it. You blow it. You sound like an idiot, but it still works because you sound sexy they said like a little boy like i didn't think of a boy i thought of like a

coquettish flirty young woman i'm sitting on a boston cream pie right now i'm heating it up for you i know you like your cream pies dripping i'm sitting on a pretzel yeah you're welcome patreon.com slash chubby behemoth get on. And we can't end the podcast without talking about our sponsor, who's never given us a goddamn dime. But maybe they will. Maybe one day we'll just get a huge check from 7-strong.com. That's right. The number 7-strong.com. Get on there.

Buy a shirt. They're fun. They're breathable. I wear them without a t-shirt. It's great. I looked good at my wife's birthday. Tell're fun. They're breathable. I wear them without a t-shirt. It's great. I looked good at my wife's birthday. Tell you what, she came upstairs and she's like, let me take that shirt off and give you

the Callahan treatment. Let me fill you with nacho cheese like a pretzel in Cleveland, baby. I want to give you the Wawa. Let's ruin these sheets. Pretzel style. Pennsylvania. Sorry. We can drive down there. I have that rental car that's costing me $130 let's ruin these sheets. They got Wawa sheets? Pretzel style. No. Pennsylvania? Sorry. Okay.

We can drive down there. I have that rental car that's costing me $130 a day for no reason. Yikes. Yikes. But you wanted to go see your mom's old stomping grounds

and that was nice. It was nice. So stop bitching about losing a couple bucks out of the back of your pants. Hey man, I'm not bitching. I'm grateful for every moment

that I get to spend with my friend. You're very tense. My associate, Nathan'm not bitching. I'm grateful for every moment that I get to spend with my friend. You're very tense. My associate, Nathan Lump. Partner in slime. Yes. But we appreciate you guys listening to this fucking podcast. Yeah, thank you. Let's switch over to Patreon.

Let's switch over to the Patreon. We'll like you even more if you get on that page. I just want a little I want a taste of this money. I want to wet my fucking beak. What's the goal for you to take a slice? Maybe a thousand? We're over a thousand. Oh, subscribers.

Yeah, yeah. That'd be sick. That'd be nuts. Yeah, no, we only have like 40. Also, we're going to cut Becker out of this. Becker, if you're hearing this. Becker, cut this out. Becker, guess what?

The well's running dry. Sam wants to paint. Yeah, hey, Becker, quit fucking joining ISIS well's running dry. Sam wants to paint. Yeah, hey, Becker, quit fucking joining ISIS or whatever you say you're doing. Well, I feel like we should tell. This is the end of the episode. If you've listened the whole time. Yeah, yeah, tell them. Becker's little secret that he didn't want out.

I'm going to tell people. Once we decided we were going to get a Baco suit, it awoke something inside of him. He's exploring being Bako full time. Like Daniel Day-Lewis. Well, but like surgery, skin pigment colorization. Right, yeah, body mod situation. A shell being attached to his body. He's getting his face widened and his lips thinned.

Yes. Well, lips removed, really. Yeah, well. So, yeah. It's more of an abrasion. lips removed, really. Yeah, well. So, yeah. It's more of an abrasion. They grind them down. Yeah, they burn them with chemicals. He's not, he's just going to have, it's going to be a hole with gums and teeth.

That's what Becker's acting. He saw the suit and he said, not good enough. Yeah, he said, the suit is not Baco. I am Baco. 46 and two steps ahead of me, tool style. Yeah, yeah. He's going to suck his own dick. He is.

And then he's going to become a man-turtle. Yeah, he's actually having his hands removed and it's just going to be nunchucks. Oh, I thought he was going to do the three. No, no, not even the three. He's just going to have a scythe on one hand and he's going to have a nunchuck on the other. But he's Baco. Baco's just got

fucking hard artillery. Well, yeah, but he's going to go to every Jewish temple he can find and terrorize them. You're blowing it. I'm not blowing it. We're not supposed to even talk about this. Oh, yeah. I blew it first. Yeah, you biffed. And now you have to go chunk. That sounds good.

I could jack. Buckle.