Chubby Behemoth - PÜNE

Episode Date: September 21, 2025

SPONSORS: Hims ED - Support the show and start your free online Hims visit today. Head to https://www.hims.com/CHUBBY   Prize Picks - Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/CHUBBY and use code CHUBBY and get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup!   PATREON EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   This week the boys are coming to you from Sacramento CA. Sam attempts to blind item a story, gave the hallmark speech at the BF Hall Of Fame, and never had to spread them before. Nathan was quite stoned on stage, misses the old Sam, and got rocked by a 24 year old. Broader than broadway.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

we're going now all right whoa you're gonna turn off your favorite movie or what are we gonna leave this awesome movie on maybe one day

even though I'm upside down I'm a human sand world my mouth looks like a frown even though I'm smiling I'm upside down are you turned off dune

I'll tell you what man I might watch that movie. It was called Poon. What about nude? You switch the N and the D. Or dude. Just dudes having a good time. You can't get... Riding jet skis, firing guns in the air. You can't get sand in your swimsuit when you're nude.

Yeah, but you can get sand everywhere when you're nude when you're nude. When's less time you're nude in the dunes? I'm not saying nude while watching the movie Dune because that was probably this morning for you. I don't go out that way. Don't look at us. Oh, okay. Yeah, I'm driving. Remember, you're in the chair now. I'm driving the truck.

You're the Uber. Mm-hmm. I was going to try and... You, so quick to say, you can't lie down. When I'm saying, I'm not going to. Yeah, you can't. Meanwhile, you've been just ahead. What?

A third of the episodes? Yeah, it's my thing. I'm not saying you can't do it. I'm saying, get your own gimmick. Yeah. God. I wasn't going to get under the covers so that I wasn't just ahead.

Hey. So it would have been a different guy. Guess what? If you're going to the ring before Hulk, you don't rip your shirt in half. Okay? So sit up. Show them your feet. They're weird.

They love them. They're not in frame, I hope. Becker, you're wearing hospital socks because of the attempt you made. Fuck. I mean, that's where Sam's head is, basically. Oh, shit. I didn't think about it at all. What if it was called crude and it was about, like, oil or, like, you just like, it was really, really vulgar.

Yeah, lewd. Either or. We're getting further away. I think Poon is the answer. Oh, yeah. Of course, yours. You don't like nude? Nude's good, but I mean.

Everybody's itching the whole time. I think if you're going to make a parody, everyone's itching, yeah, there's rashes. There's a bunch of people who have eczema. You're like, I can't wear clothes. It hurts. You've got to stop fucking in the sand. Lay on a carpet.

We keep banging on just raw sand. Yeah. And it's insane. You keep calling, say, hey, do you want to make some glass in my kiln? No, I don't. I want to go indoors. If you imagine, what about, have you seen the, these people who live in the Mongolian desert, but yet they've created, uh, like a whole forest and

they can grow crops. No. Dude, it's nuts. They like dig holes. They dig holes in like sandstorms. They're out there digging holes. And as they're digging, someone hoses it. And then they plop a tree in. It's like they have like, like once they get it down, they're like, uh, what? And there's like, you know, it's, it's straight up Poon or nude or nude. I'm willing to come to the table. Let's go with Poon. P-U-N-E. It sucks. It looks like shit. It doesn't make sense.

There's umlots over the U, stupid. No. It's spelled P-U-N. Everyone is confused. No one gets it. What's it called pun? No, I think it's called. I think it's, you pronounce it like wau, so it's like Puan.

Pond, maybe. Oh, man. Pong. This hotel's shaking. There's going to be people running, doing all kinds of shit. Oh, dude, they're going to be doing showtime in the whole. hallways, dude. It's crazy out there. That bench was

active, man. Yeah, I was kind of trying to figure out where my smoking place was going to be. I mean, I think it's a family reunion of sorts. No, I just said, it's a wedding. Oh, okay. I've seen... I thought you were talking about what you're doing to the bed. Damn. Yokic. No look. No look to Becker.

Oh, yeah, it's crazy that you knew where he was. That you knew he was right behind you. Hey, man. Becker says he doesn't like sitting in this chair. I love it. because it's like I'm not seeing you guys. He said that what did people say that you looked insane? Because you're just like staring straight ahead. Yeah, I look like I'm just staring into the void.

You're disassociating. Yeah. I'm listening to both of you, picturing the story without making any eye contact. Yeah, you're making it into a cartoon in your mind. Yeah. You're a big eye contact when you're talking guy and when I'm driving, like the three times you've come with me in the car up to Denver. You'll look at me a lot and I'm like, I'm not going to look at you.

you out that's all right yeah that's normal when you're driving or doing something you do love looking and i sometimes look away from you and i feel like you think that i'm like trying not to see you sometimes i am sometimes you're looking straight through him but yeah i mean sometimes it is like talking to a man who's wearing a mask what what you know what because i'm looking at you no i mean me like sometimes when you're talking to me i'm like like trying not to look but also looking it's weird in between super high sometimes i'm super high not tonight you're all freaked out now you freaked out on stage you were like oh so wait wait david uh day uh day or night night time yeah you speed beefed your squeef no yeah you were jimbo jones and the million dollar dream i was quite stoned

on stage and that's not normal your opener was great the last several years that was very funny finally a white guy yeah i liked that we had d rod and alfonso a little finally a white guy little other david rodriguez now we know too yeah yeah i like this kid i like this new one but better but maybe it's because it's day one you know yeah he hasn't blown it yet by tomorrow night you know original d rod is back in the top slot yeah his kid hasn't

puked in my car the bronco yeah remember that Remember that when someone had to pick him up because someone was busy playing cards? Remember that, David? And you were learning Canasta down at the boardwalk with Jackie and the gang? Do you remember that? I'm taking my fucking shoe off. That's right. Yeah, these are these shoes.

Yeah, get that shoe off. Shut up. Valencia. I'll bet that's a friend. Oh, you had a very nice dress shoe on and you slipped it off. A little. A little act out. A little theater of the mind.

My dogs are barking. Time to get off these, these mandals. I'm upside down. Excuse me, these man sandals. Should we tell them the upside down story? No. Why not? It's so funny.

Blind item. Come on. It's so funny. All right. You know the story? No, blind item. Oh, man. A certain chubby funster.

um a certain planetoid type human being no what well what do you want me to say how do you want me to tell the story truthfully what you want me to do here i'm gonna pick you up and make you be upside down i'm driving the bus straight next up hell yeah hell city this is your first time in Sacramento? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Not a lot going on, huh? Yeah, not much.

A lot of metal recycling. It's a big thing right here. Hey. No on 2B. I don't say who I vote for, except for Donald Trump. I did vote for him, and I don't regret it.

Who's your front? He's unconscious. Oh, really? Yeah, a lot of that around here. He's back there, and he's okay, but he's like a dog right now. What's he watching?

ladybird i fell asleep to that too so you guys in time for the conference what conference there's a dick-sucking convention in town um i've been driving a lot of guys there guys like you sleepy guys

I'm just stay in one lane instead of cruising across state lines what are you doing I'm driving in Sacramento this is your first time here this is how we do it 104 yeah and guess

what this thing can hit one 12 for the needle rocks that'll wake him up yeah here we go guys let's set the record uh-oh uh-oh uh-oh you guys didn't open up a box of bomb pops back there did you uh damn it there's jam all over my rear view we got cherries and blueberries i don't got an english muffin you guys uh you guys ever done quailutes and fat man. You guys ever done quailudes? No, they're not a thing anymore. Well, guess what?

Today's your lucky day. Open up the glove box. They're back. Oh, man. Here, I'll get them for you. That would be huge. And now you're not driving at all. It's a Tesla.

I was faking it. What do you think I was driving so poorly? Oh, you idiot. Set me up. You idiots. Now, hey, guess where you are. the convention who wants to get their pass first

give me that gun no bang bang oh no now I have to blow you with Lund's dead body here wake up the nightmare's starting what man that's that's Sacramento that's what it is here dude that's

an accurate so I can't do theater on on the show that's your interpretation of where we're at. Yeah. In this country, in this state of mind. It's going to be a beautiful wedding.

It's, tomorrow's going to be a great day. I'm going to that wedding. I am. You're going to stick out. I'm getting the electric slide started. Finally a white guy. Yeah. That'll crush at the wedding.

You can have that. That's going to be huge at the wedding, man. Oh, yeah. did you accidentally do too much time tonight or were you just having fun i was having so much fun you do uh because i was feeling such a sense of relief because we had that conversation like in between shows or whatever about you know that heavy stuff we were talking about god we covered a lot of ground right and then i talked to alfonso while you were on stage you were wigging out crying no i wasn't you said something fucked up to me no no no i projected what you said oh it was the

It was the perfect. It was the perfect misunderstanding, yes. It was the club here, the punchline advertising you with an old clip. And I just meant that the joke was better or whatever. I miss this guy. Yeah, I miss this. Sam. But you were like, just whatever.

I was like, what the fuck do you mean by that? You were thinking about a lot of weird, big, real shit, right? And, uh, well, yeah, I don't, phone less. enjoying shit more and then thinking you're figuring some shit out and then I'm saying something that you think is so nasty that you suck now right yeah

because you're like who am I I'm a good guy yeah I'm trying my best I'm a man we all have to compromise yeah no it's an interesting time to be a Sam and I'm like yeah I miss this guy I was actually cool right and I think you were trying to

you said you were trying to make a joke about when I was fat which is funny but no I was like having a crisis of the soul I mean today was just

today I was at the dick sucking convention yeah you were giving god I was given the fucking hallmark speech

at the butt fuck hall of fame god damn it I was I just got hosed it was pretty funny

I got blended and smacked because we you travel a lot you can have some shit go wrong but for the most part things are smooth

and then so for anything today was crunchy right for anything to today was not allowed at the sleepover to have every little thing go wrong except for the flight leaving on time and even that a little delay

oh my god due to a weight issue oh my god that happened too jumpo mumbo start at the beginning and his pill-popping friend oh yeah we'll get there but yeah

well we had a right as soon as we got there you know what was weird dude I don't know if we're allowed to talk about this kind of stuff on here but high planes was kind of weird for me i felt like uh i don't know like i don't know i felt detached othered from it like not like it was on like i didn't personally feel like i was removed i felt that like some attributed status that i have was like made people nervous around me like i had a lot less grab-ass fun at high planes because there was like a little bit of reverence that was being offered like people were nervous like my old friends were like nervous

so i don't know i was feeling weird after high planes that's why i was so eager to leave and get back to the hotel room with me you bobby and chris well that made more sense than trying to like hang out with everybody at once i think we said festivals are tough when you're older sober not partying going to bed earlier i didn't go to the past party because i wanted to hang out with mal and jansicoc and sophy yeah and david and uh and noah i mean not noah so much but You know, he was there. Everybody else. Yeah.

Uh-huh. But no, okay, man. He said, finally a white guy. So, yes. So anyway, I don't know. That was weird. But then today, the airport situation was just, hey. But fuck a paloza.

Whose butt do I have to get fucked by it to suck a dick around here, you know? And look, if that's your thing, good for you. I'm not a big butt-fuck guy. If it happened to me, I'd say, bummer. All right? I'd say, this honks, bro, or, ma'am. What? I've heard you say that in response to want to get BFed.

Well, there was a certain time where Emily was, wanted me to achieve my maximum happiness, you know, to escape the mortal tether for just a fleeting moment. And I was like, what are we going to do to make this happen? And she went like this. which meant, of course, Becker, your favorite thing. The backdoor Mamba Jamba. The gentleman's agreement. Whoa.

So this morning we get to, how's it start? You and me, we wake up. I switched, I got you a flight last night, last minute, so we could hang out longer. Yeah, so we could giggle until three. Literally just so we could giggle for an extra hour. Without worrying about me getting up real early and going to the airport before y'all. Separate flights Yeah then you gotta be in Sacktown

You would have been so grumpy today Instead we had a nice time You were bailed out Still slept Because you know When he's pissed You take the heat Let me get one of those

Oh you were having a little treat Instead of uh you know Being the one time you get called to Is this your first time Is this your first time in Sacramento? Yes my first time in Sacramento I might have driven through it When I was a kid with my dad

Oh yeah You literally were driving You were six Your dad was passed out. Your dad went on a lot of trips together. Your dad had a slept for four days, so then you drove, you were seven. That's nice. Yeah, my dad used to take me on trips.

We drive out to the almond fields, you know. Park and afterwards, I got a cookie. It's nice you had a good time with your dad here in town. Yeah, I don't know that we did anything here. I think we just drove through. We didn't stop. Go to Oregon a lot. There's a hell of a Carl's Jr. here, I know that.

Oh, yeah, it's right next to the convention center. You guys want to head over there? Yes, Carl's Jr. sounds so good. We're not going there, dude. Come on. Carl's Jr. We have real shit. No, the convention.

Oh, you want to go to the reptile convention? Not reptile. Yes, the reptile convention. There's lots of slithering, plenty of tail. Yes. Sucking venom. Sucking venom out of wounds. Poison.

Let's hit the convention. Look, I'll drive again. I'm driving it. Yeah, as long as you don't pull a gun on us again, or are you supposed to lead us to believe that you're a different guy? No, I'm the same guy. People change. That was yesterday.

Yeah, and guess what? Today's a new day. Sacramento's big. Why do we keep getting you? Oh, well, I have the highest rating, and you have the highest rating. We haven't had anyone over 3.8 in a while around here. That's low. Well, you know, when the convention's in town, there's a lot of five-star guys.

stop what and seeing yeah we are potato chip juncture cramp cramp gun cramp help help do something grab it

grab the gun wait no no no Oh, fuck This keeps happening Yeah, everyone gets it when they do it Why don't you drive us to where we want to go Where? Not the dig-sucking convention

Come on, just trust me He's mad you're not making him suck your dick It's pretty fun How about this? Suck your own dick If I could, would I be driving this Uber Would I be running this game? Put it in self-driving and turn

yourself into self-sucking Fine It's a page of It's a Patreon, so whip it out. It's a Patreon? Yeah. This is too good. How is this a Patreon?

Oh, my God. You're insane. Yeah, I think this is... No, let's throw it at him, man. Okay. We can't be shackled. Everyone's talking about Jimmy Kimmel getting censored. YouTube's been doing the same thing to us for decades now.

Yeah, they know. Since I was... This will help. Ninety-eight. Remember Charlie bit my finger? Yeah. Guess what? That was a redraft.

It wasn't a finger. Charlie was biting and YouTube said no it was a little bird he bit a bad off a swallow it was filmed in San Juan Capistrano where little David Rodriguez is from his big head of hair his shirt that isn't long enough he I'm pretty sure he must have unwittingly said it that when I oh yeah when he asked if I wanted something to be said I said tell him I have a special on YouTube called Soup's On. He goes, okay. Just on YouTube?

I was like, yes, motherfucker. What? Yeah. He wasn't busting balls either, I don't think. No, it was a reflex. He wanted to make sure that he shouldn't also say Netflix, Hulu, Disney, minus ESPN. David, you're right. I'm sorry.

I keep confusing HBO and YouTube. Yeah, no, it's on HBO and YouTube. It's on Univision, actually. The classic double dip. I put it out on most things. Just say it's on most things. I've heard your special was on Paramount Plus Size. Is that true?

Is there any truth to that rumor? Yeah, well, it's an emerging market. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Belly button emerging from under the top of the shirt, bottom of the shirt. It is emerging, but it's tough to submerge that market. Now, speaking of ridiculous pairings, the punchline is inside of a mattress firm yes and when you bring that up boy do people get off on it it's a two-story mattress firm the best one in the world yeah it's the biggest mattress firm we're not

that was a patriot oh no there was sludge in it oh no might want to cut that that's kind of gross no we leave all the things to cut your little burp no but i like burped vomiting to my mouth I think they could hear it on the mic. Come on, man. I'm chewing it up right now. What do you want? What the fuck? Do you have water?

Yeah. You got a bridge? Take a switch. Take it over it. God. Okay. Yeah, take a switch. So a 24-year-old graduate of UC Davis rocked your world tonight, and that was very good.

He cooked your books. No, no. It was like, I don't think he knew what he was saying. No, he didn't mean to. He can't hurt anyone. He's only 24. What does he know? Right before.

he came in and we were talking about how fucked young people can often be. Yeah, he ruined the momentum of that. And then he comes in how old are you? 24. Good luck out there, kid. Yeah, buddy. See in hell, pal. See at the convention.

David. Get in the car. It's my, it's my car. Yeah, I'm driving. Is this your first time in Sacramento? What are you doing, man? Are you here for the convention?

Why are we all sitting and back? David, David, because we're going to the convention. Oh, the reptile? Yeah, yeah. Kind of. We love snakes. Do you want to pretend? Do you want to get ready for the convention, David?

You're going to practice? So I had the morning where it started nice, nice little time. And I used my United Miles to purchase you a flight very late because I'm a United loyal member. United yeah until you move to Detroit Yeah until that D town scrambled at my egg So I get to we get to D we actually get to park to Jett Which is you know really

One of the strange tests of patience for me that shouldn't be And Get to DIA Denver international airport United's hub One of the best Look it has its problem game It's a fucking home game

I know this place like the back of your throat, dude. God. What, dude? You think it's his first time in Sacramento? He's been to the convention before. He's been to Sacramento before. And guess what? The convention sometimes is in, you know, fucking New Brunswick, New Jersey.

Sometimes it's a mohican sun. The swag bag is disgusting. It's fucked. Seamen we all get. Swat Swagg oh Swag sex Swat

Swat Swag down All right Yeah We get there And I take up my bag That has all my merch in it

All my cool merch That you made With your own two hands That is the I've been calling it The Spanish Bastard Design which is kind of The Pistol Pete

But not Pistol Pete It's the Spanish Bastard And I did the hat Green The Conquistador And definitely not a cowboy hat Green the Sacramento State Green

and it says Sacktown on it So these are great shirts For this weekend and this weekend only So I go to check in my bag And the lady says Hey This is heavy And I know

I know yeah I have up to 70 pounds Allowed because of my member I didn't say that but it's you know You said that didn't you I didn't say it to her But I was like it's I get up to 70 pounds lady What are we talking about? You know I'm like hey Toots

You know we're both at work That's not 70 pounds Come on you're not you're not 70 pounds Your kids, 70 pounds. Yeah, yeah. It's a great picture. It's cool you wear it on a lanyard. Oh, I didn't read the, I didn't see the end date.

Oh, two dates, huh? Yeah, what is this? Me in high school? Lady. Family matters. Lady Erkel. Remember? Did I do this?

Anyway, so she says, she says you have to sell, you have to, you know, make it market heavy yourself back at the kiosk. And I say, you know what? I fly every weekend. I've never had to do this. before and she says I don't remember because I'm seeing red I don't remember because all I can

see is uh you know my thumbs in her eyes I mean dude I mean I get mad sometimes am I allowed to get mad you get mad you've been mad I push my fingers into her

I don't push them against the United kios where I already self-tagged my bag you know I didn't go to fucking bag tag school like she did I'm a dummy. Right, and you know it's not heavier than the other bag, so it's not... I saw it on the scale that it was 63 pounds, up to 70s fine. So anyway, I take it off... She can't print that tag for you.

No, she can't just press the button that I'm going to go to the other person and have them press the button. She's busy. So, yeah, she's over there eating her scabs. She's a cold member. Yes. But they're not flakes. Oh, yeah, they're scabs. All right.

Mm-hmm. She calls them hot Cheetos. That was weird, and I heard it, and it was weird. Yes. And then you go. And I don't think that I was a prick about it. No, it was just like, hey, all right, yeah. I do this every weekend.

This is my first rodeo. Yeah. Sorry. I, this is new to me. And have you seen nude? What is it? Okay, hold about this. Have you seen Poon?

Exactly. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get to a convention. So, you know, we hop in the Uber, and we walk over to the, uh, uh, a different, a different bag tag. And the lady gives me the same sad song, you know, in a different accent. And I, and I take, and I take the, uh, I take the bag to a different play. I go to, I'm going to go to 1K. So I got to 1K, you know, because that's what I am because of the, you know, I know, I said a real shitty thing. too to you.

So fucking shitty. How much you support the airline? I said over my shoulder like a fucking like the worst kind of second wife that a guy can have like at the fucking at the country club you know

and like her car isn't immediately there when she gets to the valet and she says $60,000 a year for the, I said $60,000 a year this company. What the fuck? The lowest of the low for me. And again, in my head

it's just all napalm and death man and not the band it's both I'm raising the village yeah well maybe not what do you mean what village

why is this a Patreon because I say raise the village I could I'm raising the roofs in the village whoop there it is but what is it it's a grenade how far into the episode are we we are we are 27 minutes in

Oh, we can say whatever we want. Yeah, what about a guy who doesn't know how to use the following word? Like, hey, man, I'm tired of YouTube busing us around. We can't cowtowen with these motherfuckers. Tired at fucking cowtowing, man. Yeah? What are we, Fargo? So, no offense to Fargo.

Great City. I hope to come back for the comedy week next year. So there we are. That fuckering. Third counter. One and two. Mm-hmm. Lady takes my bag.

our flight leaves at 140 is 1226 i have the proof in the back of my phone so we check the bag security there's a guy in security oh funny guy who you should root for yeah but in my kind of like i'm is it martin sheen who's an apocalypse now dancing in front of the mirror nude yeah i'm nude in front of the mirror martin you know credence is playing oh yeah when he really He took the acid? Yeah, I'm like, I'm weeping and drinking Jack Daniels. Yeah. That's me in my mind while walking through security.

You're on fire. How about yours? Yeah. So, he's cutting it up, man. Firewalk with me. Yeah, and he's got fun, bright, like, swimsuit trunk. He looks like Becker from the waist down. Yes, he does.

And, am I wrong? Top knot? I don't think so, but... I think he was tailed in the pony varietal. I think he was at the pony people. maybe not maybe i'm just projecting that upon him because i pink pony club loathe the ponytail amongst us uh he was a lot though yeah he was bright-eyed and bushy tails he's zipping around hey you know we got more money than time or i got more time than money bright-eyed and ponytail

yeah maybe um and then we also have you know a fucking sovereign citizen in line who refuses to get his you know you've been filming me since the second i stepped in here since i you're not taking a picture of me bro Yeah. Did you drive in on 470 or I-70? Well, guess what? Maybe 100 fucking photos were taken of your square-jawed fucking thin blue line hat wearing. Yeah, this is going to be a W in my book. Guess what? I get my picture, or I show you my ID instead of getting my photo taken. Hey, motherfucker. Suck it. How about you get your photo taken, or I go full sandman with my Kendo stick on your ass? How about you like that? I can't work in the ring, but outside, I'm a motherfucker. And where are we? in ECW Arena AKA DIA So you know

We finally get up there They do the thing Where they open up one side randomly Just the classic like metal detector You can walk through Yeah And this god damn prick He looks like that guy

Who makes fucking cooking videos He's got the goate and the glasses He's on YouTube He's huge Oh yeah yeah Yeah Not binging with Babish He has hair

Yeah yeah yeah So anyway that guy And he's like this tall, he's scrunched, he's munched, he's nasty. He's pissed, you know, because the hollowed-out tree doesn't get fucking satellite or whatever. And I love the small. I love the small community. He wants the big game. But this guy's got a real chip on his shoulder and it's, you know, a pringle.

Yeah, he's a chodlet. And I think, top knot. No, he had long hair, though. Long hair. It would have fit in a top knot. He's fucking long hair. I would love to form it in a top hot and then bang into a toilet. give them a swirley

so I come up positive for having a rocking cock or whatever it is yeah no I didn't get a walk through the goddamn machine I had to go through the one that steals your dignity and you know scans for how rocking your hog meat is you know and I will say this it did go

like I set off the detector for the first time is it hog detected swinging swinging it we got some swinging down there we got some meat man and he says everything in your back pocket i say i don't know he says i don't will you check and i said get in there i said get in there to him oh no so then all of a sudden i asked to pat down my crotch it's on the machine i see the hot zone you know the breeding my my orchids in bloom on the screen

It was literally a spinal tap. Fuck, yeah. It was a spinal tap situation. What did you tell him? So he's like, I have to pat you down. And I'm like, okay, I understand. And he's like, I'm going to have to use the back of my hands. I will be wearing gloves.

I'm like, I know. Yeah, I'm like, I know. Paranium. He says, I'm going to be going between your leg. I'm like, I know, man. And he keeps giving me the exact spiel. He's being a dickhead. And I say, I say, up and down until you say stop.

I'm going to turn you inside out. you're not going to cough but I'm going to know you were seeing Carlito's way is that the movie does that work look I'm not sure it's not going to be good for you is what I'm saying

you're going to wish the MIB will erase your memories when I'm done with your crotch I'm like I get it dude he's like do you want to do it here in public or should I butt fuck you back there I'm like uh do you want a little room yeah a little butt fuck room

yeah are you going to cry are you going to fucking cry anyway so I consent and then he gets in there he gets in there deep he gets in there John Reap

all right come on what man it's a legend so you know he's he's reaping me man

he is I'm the goddamn grain field and he's just fucking chopping through you want to follow this with an ad read am I not

what are they going to do arrest us all. We're all Jimmy Kimmel. Becca, will you get my phone? Yep. Yep. I can't get out of frame

and get back in. I'll look bad. You guys will make me look bad. No way, dude. It'll look cool. No. It won't look like a dog giving birth. Practically upside down over here.

If you know what I'm screaming. They don't know. We didn't blind item effectively. So anyway, as he's giving me the what for i say he really was in there yeah he was a couple minutes right yes he was every every square centimeter he was having my cake and eating it too was probed and prodded oh yeah mm-hmm let's just say he went to the petting zoo and he didn't run out of pellets so as he's you know stealing

whatever shreds of humanity have left i'm saying you know the metal detector why isn't everyone just going to walk through the one that works all the time you know and he's like well, you're not pre-check. And I said, neither were the 10 random people you allowed through the metal detector. And he said, yeah, well, that's the luck of the draw. And I said, well, why don't you just use the one that works? Why, I could have walked through there

and it wouldn't have gone off. There's no metal on me. And he's like, all right, sir, spread your legs. He's making me spread them. I never had to spread them before. Spread your cheeks. Yes. Spread your cheeks, freak of the week.

Spread the meat from the cheese in the front. Did he have you do the one foot in front? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and then he fucking swipe my shoes, which is the dumbest thing in the world. Yep.

Yeah. My shoes. Let's see those shoes. It's 2003. The world's on fire again. You fucking top-knot. YouTube chef looking. Dip shittery.

Anyway. But we'll get to part two after this ad read, I guess. Oh, yeah. Well, and you know, it sounds like this dick would not quit harassing you. And if you want a dick that won't quit, it's time to try Hymns E.D. Yes. Not Mr. Ed. I bet you'll have a horse-sized penis.

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You psycho. Drink much. You can't even drink good. Is there a pill you can take? You can drink stuff. You have to swallow it dry. And then you can swallow shit. what Becker said was actually funny for once.

And you blasted it. Well. Every other time. The McDonald said to blast him during the head read. I didn't hear it. He said DJ Sandu. And he went. Ar.

Ah. Yes. I just changed my shirt. shirt. No, leave it on. It'll dry. We have a half hour. I can get out of frame easily.

It'll dry. Yeah, because you're in a chair. My feet are asleep. I got to get in the chair. This isn't cookie cutter care, God damn it. They have everything from hard mince. Get it. It's an italic.

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Why not? Read about Dix and then go to the convention and shine like a diamond. It's so hard not to interrupt the end of that ad read when you say compounded. Because I want to say compounded. Compound it. Yeah. I don't. God.

Damn. This episode is brought to you by prize picks. You and I make decisions every day. but on prize picks being right can get you paid don't miss any of the excitement this season on prize picks where it's good to be right it's easy to play pick more or less on two to six player stat projections if you're correct you could win some serious cash here it is the app on the screen see how easy it is to navigate prize picks i love football of course my favorite favorite squad are the boys in Denver. And that Bo Nix, he's a heck of a ball player. His stat

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Flat on your back on the mat, putting someone over. All right, so yeah, let's get back to your big day. Oh, yeah, God. Well, it's also stupid now after what happened. It was funny that it was one after the other. Right. So, yes, Domino. after Domino's falling.

And some people think that's what the airport is every time and it's often not. No. Especially if you're not a dog person. If you're capable, you know what you're going, you know what you're doing. Right.

But yeah, you were getting, puppet mastered. Yeah. Sack tapped by almost everybody that went by you. And some people were just making me flinch, which is almost worse.

Yeah. Either way. Yeah. Yeah. You're getting wronged. You're pissed. Oh, yeah. Lounge was closed.

That was another one. one. I was like, we're going to the lounge, we'll get some coffee, it'll be cool. Yeah, yeah, we can eat something. I get a high in the bathroom. Your shoelace gets caught in the walking escalator. Yeah, yeah, just keeps spinning and spinning. But as I'm spinning, every revolution, my pants are slowly, slowly getting pulled down and down and down. And then I'm just a spinning nude man. I'm just like a gerbil and a cage committing a sex crime in 360 degrees. Just, you can't hear me. but they think I'm just like trying to propel it forward more

and then it starts going faster and faster somehow much like our friend Mo I'm upside down I'm in a revolving door yeah and then I'm like upside down posting hole I don't even know if I'm in frame anymore oh yeah baby you're with my feet why don't you give him a kiss

yeah I'd rather suck Beckers dick at the convention that is hurtful yeah guess what chicken butt so i was getting hurt over and over today constantly hurt yeah eyes poked oh yeah back raked oh yeah like bad backrake and i wasn't fake selling i get hurt becker you know i saw you and was like hmm that's all you got from me but i wasn't i wasn't mad at you guys and i kept telling you that so anyway we get on the plane got their gritted teeth no no no no i was pleasant

Oh, and then the boarding process sucks. We're over there, we're over there playing grab ass. A bunch of lip. Yeah. From the staff at the gate. I'm like, are you boarding 1Ks? And he goes, yes. Wow.

Yeah, so I get up there. And I have your boarding pass because I got your ticket. So I scan it. And he says, sir, you're not 1K. You're silver. And I say, hold on. Becker. And then Becker scans.

And I said, everyone's good. He's not 1K. I'm 1K. There with me. Get on. 60,000 a year. We get on the plane. I switched us to $60,000 a year on flights for the company, you know.

Not just me for my family, for him to. I buy their flights sometimes. I'm a good guy, whatever. We went to Australia. I'm still upside down on that. So, hey. Plenty of room in the plane for everybody because I got an empty seat. I've been hawking the seat map.

I know. I moved you guys around so that you guys were not, you were window, you were aisle. I had empty exit row seat. empty row guy in the middle no one in the middle well then the boys are back in town a guy in the middle guy in the middle

I don't know where I think they were standby not huge no but dude I saw them come and I saw them stop and I saw them put their bags up and I saw them like consider who was going where and thank God

there was a bit of fucking humanity in that movie one little break yes in the but fucker because one guy sat next to me and by law and a half

people sat in the middle seat in front of me this guy was a real big mouth Billy Bass

Billie bass real boombada boombara oh my God he was a timpony drum really was he

well he was pretty big he walked down the aisle sideways yes which sometimes I have done

of course you love it it's good well I'm broad yes you're broader than Broadway

you're Barrington Levy I'm off broad oh yeah you're caper you're where it's cool you're where the action is off off off broadway you're lip-syncing all your act so when he sat down though look when you're when you're standing up sometimes you don't look that big lies there real smelly but when you you count in the light yeah I'm back

they kicked out firing up yeah sorry go ahead no so anyway when a man of stature such as yourself sits down or is bent at a 90-degree angle, that's compressed, you know, and then it smushes out. I've smushed out in my day. I still smush out occasionally. But you smush out on the sides.

You have your classic cupcake situation. And now, as was loudly the first time discussed, the lady came up, gave him the seatbelt extender, and she says, can he put the arms down? And he said, yeah, yeah, yeah she says okay so then pretends to walk away yeah turns back around immediately uh hey what's up where's it going are they going down first time in sacramento london bridge yeah is it going to go yeah so she walks up and uh you know giggles to herself or whatever and she you know one of those

no she doesn't do that but the man sitting next to me is uh you know he's living his own private Idaho, because he's not only watching very loud TikTok videos without any headphones, just blasting it. You know, your classic, like, all-white backroom, infinity room with, like, 10 women lined up and, like, a guy with sunglasses on being like, I don't know, the butts where it's at, and, like, making women spin around, really loud. And that's with one hand. With the other hand, he is pulling out little red pills from his pocket.

and just loose from his pocket and eating them what the hell were they well that's what I'm saying because I'm thinking I'm thinking this guy's eating hot tamales loose from his pocket hey we've all been there big deal that's cool with me but then Sam Talent investigates reports that no they were homemade like you know when you make mushroom capsules but there was something red in there and so he's eating just loose pills and he would pull one out and it. And then, you know, just like, and then, you know, another swipe. And it's like, the human pussy can maintain 30 gallons of water.

And it's like, X-Klan, found dead, you know. Well, and then he'll just take out like three of them. And he's just pop, you know. So. Going for the record. Yes. So I'm like, well, I really feel bad for the guys in front. of me who are you know rotating around this uh this human globe uh the men's trapped in the hemisphere and look the armrests aren't going down where are they like siga like at that angle they're they're at elon must just goofing around they're at attention yeah yeah yeah yeah

they're elon owning the libs up and out yes yeah they're frankinstock they're And he's just sitting there, like, I got it all going on. So a new person comes back. And they're like, sir, do the armrest go down on either side of you? Like, for real? Yeah, like, but like, you know, F.R. You know, we're not, no, J.K. And he's like, yeah, yeah.

And then she's like, okay, sir, can you push it down? And he just, like, does one of these. And he looks, but he, like, looks over, like, you know? Pretty good. She's like, okay, what about the other one? and that's when the guy right here sitting in front of me says no the first thing anyone said we got a no over here we got to know we're hearing no what i'm hearing i'm smelling it right now i'm going to say no it's not in a down position yeah the guy sitting against the window is like

it's not down it's not down nothing i'm not down i'm not down i'm not stretching This isn't Tai Chi, ma'am. It is not down. And then she says, and how about the seatbelt? And he, you know, this just in. That's where you're wrong.

It was not just in. The seatbelt extender did nothing for the young man. Yes. So, you know, okay, all right. So she walks away. And then a new person enters the plane who has not been on the plane yet. And it's pretty much like a guy

that they just like found and we're like, hey, can you put on this United outfit? No. I don't know, dude. But they had to go find a guy who, I think, it was due to concerns about this country's racial tensions.

The gentlemen were black. They brought on a black man. And now he has the unpleasant task of telling the guy, hey, so you're too fucking fat to be on this plane. It's not. It's not going to happen. So if you look around,

so you're not flying to read the room right and the guy's like it's a plane and he's like fair play but uh yeah the plane uh if you if you if you noticed the wheel on this side is off the ground and we're attributing that to this vector right here so when when they're politely when they're saying hey we got to get you we got to talk about what's going on we got to do it off the plane the guy sitting next to me stands up and they're brothers

and he says hey man that's my brother and he says okay well you you can fly if you'd like to or you can come with us and we can discuss this the man's doing talk about flying places we've been we'd like to fly too right right if you had a superpower would flying be it yeah

what would you want invisibility breathing underwater whatever it may be but we can discuss this all off the plane this is off plane talk right and that's when uh the man next to me hitches up his shorts and his hands are now bald into fists and he says y'all are being weird y'all are acting weird this is weird why are y'all being weird because he you know he's defending his brother his brother is in no position you know poor guy and that's when his brother who is the fat man says nah man let's go the defeat in his voice

really caused me some sadness. So then you're rocked again, feeling this man's pain. Right. You are spelt now and you look incredible and everybody loves that. That's all anyone's talking about. You still feel like a little fat guy who can't fly. I know that I have been in the position where the seat with the, definitely this. I've never had a seatbelt extender, but I have faked it so many times.

Where you bring it across and then you pin it with your lap like this, your arm against your lap. you do that and then no one knows what I do the FAA can suck my kiss Uber driver right yes No one knows what I do Yes Not everybody has seen all your shit They should see it

That's a great watch waiting for death to claim us It's a great special How about this Becker Last night When me Bobby Chris and Sam are hanging out We're talking about everything and nothing Just look at the four of us and I say at one point

obviously to Bobby and Chris more than Sam have you guys watched tires and Sam pipes up right away yeah of course I've watched tires and I go no no I was asking the two guys I don't talk to every fucking day

and it was pretty perfect that was a classic four of us moment oh yeah look at the four of us yeah and we're back so in my situation I'm like

okay now the middle seat's empty Sam T's winning I also texted you guys we have a situation back here I said the TikTok thing and then yeah we missed all of that I said these guys are the reason we were delayed or whatever

and then they walk down the aisle they get off the plane wheel goes back to where it's supposed to be and then we take off it's great I read half of Chris near Cato I believe half of his book

Skinimo which was fun we get to town riding on a pony Sacramento here we are the capital of the third largest economy in the world not a bad airport guess who's back

in the butt fuck Sam T thought I thought I'd I'd retired I thought my jersey was in the rafters a two day conference but it is four days

and nights no no convention turns out I'm getting tenure They lost my bag With all my merch in it You're cool shirts for Great guys

My merch that says Sacktown on it Shirts that Tots for throat goats I don't want to say it But it rhymes What? He nailed it I know

Why didn't you want to say it? because it's very vulgar oh yeah we would never deign to that behavior i try to be better than that what if we became like a one of those like teetotaling like we know how to live what if we became like a hustle mindset all we do we do yeah we work out we like drink yak milk no weed no no reading because reading sugar dorks just no sugar yeah eating just like raw liver on live stream more like screaming about how you can come get my weapons from my grave I'll fucking kill you

Beck yeah Beckers in a cage and he has like cuck written on his chest lipstick I'd have to be in a cage no sugar no weed no no you are over there and we're like feeding you like cupcakes we're like look what you are you're him this is you this is you

buttons behind me doing chin ups with one arm every time he comes into frame his dick is huge it's like fucking huge one time he comes up and Sharpie's doing a chin up on his His knuckles say C-U-C-K and then K-L-L-R. That's what we are. Kill the cuck in your mind, you bitch.

Get over here. Get over here. I don't want to. Yeah, too bad. Don't you want some money? I want to ride a bike. No, yeah, you want to ride a bike. Eventually.

Uh-huh, yeah. I'm thinking about it. And I want to hold my breath for it. eight minutes. I've had it for a year. Yeah, I know. How many times have you ridden your bike in the last year? Me? Yeah. I have my bike every day. I love riding my bike. God damn. Yeah, it's sick, dude. Yeah, it's sick, dude. Yeah, it's sick, dude. And you're fucking ripping, man. And you're in town and you're looking at shit. You never look at because you're in your car on your phone, you know, Googling Burger King open hours. It's a kid. Yeah, dude. Thumping fucking youth. Yeah. And you're fucking youth. yeah you're on your bike you're like that house is sick

like look what they did with their flowers like oh my god look how they painted those windows it's cool yeah I know you're cruising your stone you got your tunes on man or you're listening to like you know what really happened

at the insert you know calamity yes you know you can in that the cool thing is you can like if you want to have a funky bike ride you like put on funky music if you want to learn something didn't you think

uh that that when we heard jazz in a dude's car what's his name the guy that gave us a ride alfonso alfonso had jazz going on i was like ah this is my panic attack music it's like furious jazz when you're driving yeah but he's a really good drummer so that's where he likes that stuff okay well that's fine becker did you like that or were you freaking out that doesn't bother me that's a lie no i can listen to jazz it doesn't fuck with me the same as God, that was like violent jazz

That was like Doesn't that make you freak out a little bit With your tweet out? No, I love that shit I love discordant music No, that's my favorite stuff I mean jazz isn't my favorite way To take that stuff in

Or like, yeah, well And also like it louder I like it louder and more abrasive than that In a car when you're trying to drive and chill Being surprised by jazz is drawing for sure Yeah It wasn't taproot, so you were bummed. Oh, deaf tones, because we're in Sackton.

And it wasn't the TMNT cartoon theme song, so you were like, this sucks. Yeah. Meanwhile, I was in there, Man of the World, cultured, cuck killer. God. That's the shirt you should make, man. Cuck killer? Yeah. Get buff, dog.

I don't want to get buff. I want to, I'm going to develop long, sinewy muscles. by a continued bike riding and swimming and fucking working in the goddamn garden bending over back there yanking up vines look i know everyone out there who crossfits tanner reese right now is going no it's all about long sinewy muscle no he's fucking tanner's eating sprouts right now while like on a unicycle you know he's like yes sam you're gonna be fine his fucking you know non transition transition lenses that are always dark no matter what's going on.

Sam, yes, you're going to be far. Guess what? I'm the cuck killer. I do that instead of ghoul. I'm like, hey, David, we're going to do something different for the late show tonight. Can you bring me on as cuck killer?

No, not the cuck killer. No, no, no. Cuck killer, Sam, Sam, the cuck killer talent. Yeah. Yeah, and can you put these sunglasses on? Yeah, and this, like, propeller beating like this bow tie yeah yeah just bring me on and I go up there and I fucking hit him with the tombstone

I'd warn you motherfuckers yeah the wrestling moves are all for real yeah no it would be sick to what is John Cena's finish F5 no that's Brock Brock I want to give him Brock Lezzer's finish off the stage just like I go for the handshake yank him bring him up just fucking spin him out Chuck his little body But clean up my mess Killer I'm upside down Flip upside down

Piss Biss upside down Over your head On to David And then also Into your own mouth and then I piss all over David

and then I get up and I strike a zip up throw it on him and he lights up a cuck killer my piss is flammable I'm like, Ah

Fuck Someone's like What the fuck is cuck? I'm like I'm like Torture them Oh shit. God damn it.

I mean, what's comedy if not that? Well, this is the comedy YouTube doesn't want you to have man. A lot of more of this is at our Patreon. Oh, hell yeah.

Get over there. If you think cuck killers is extreme, man. Well. I mean, I'm kidding, but we have a lot of fun on all the pods. A bunch of them are very funny, and there's a bunch of them. So go over there. It's only $5 a month, please. Patreon.com slash chubby behemoth.

And tell your friends. Yeah, tell you damn friends. That we're a good podcast, and I'm sitting up. Yeah, he sits up. I don't scrunch. I haven't been asleep at all. Becker talks. it's half of the catalog there's over

there's about 260 episodes behind the paywall also how about this Austin Austin Texas if you want to see me there's like eight tickets left so get them uh Tempe that's a good one a Bentonville Arkansas we're bringing down some heat dude Matt McCusker Casey Rockets coming out of retirement fucking Joe what fucking James F McCann just got added just added James McCann we're doing the wrestling show Bentonville it's going to be the party I'm throwing I get to throw one party a year

It's in Bentonville Why not You know Tempe Improv Fucking Burlington I added a show In like Adirondack New York

At the mill That's gonna be a weird one Get your tickets For the rest of the year Please I'm gonna be Comedy Works November 30th

We can cut right there What? I'm kidding Go bananas October 16th 17th 17th 18th 19 Comedy Works Thanksgiving too

Yeah samtallon.com Nathanonecom It does not is it your website yeah is it real yeah gave made it it doesn't reroute to the make your own vermonster page on bedinjerrys dot com good samtallant dot com samtallant dot com