Chubby Behemoth - Re-Employment Center

Episode Date: November 7, 2022

Extra episodes at Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   Corbin. William Nye the Biology Bro. Forgot about Regan.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

Is it recording? Yes, little one. It's me, Corbin. I give tours of the park. Hello, Corbin. What's your favorite part of the park? I like the trash cans. I call it the circle buffet.

Why do you like the trash cans? Because they keep the park nice and clean? And they keep me warm. I live in the trash i'm corbin the trash guy why doesn't why doesn't your tour guide salary uh allow you to live somewhere a little bit more spacious and cleanly than uh than a trash can i have to pay people to take the tour no one wants to come and hear me talk like this for an hour and a half also the tour is just mostly me pointing out the best trash cans.

Hey, look at this one. There's half a cupcake. Dibs. I'm just kidding. We can share. Well, that's nice of you to share. You have to. You paid people to take the tour.

It seems like maybe they would pay you a little bit for half of the cupcake. No, no, because the exchange rate really eats into my profits. What exchange rate? So I have a lot of tourists from out of the country who come, so I have to pay them in yen. I have to pay them in Italian lira. Oh, you're meeting them more than halfway. They're here. They should probably do that. I'm already in the hole by the time I pay them. You live in a hole. I live in a trash can that I dug into the ground. So technically it's not a hole. It's a bivouac. For when it's windy. That's right. You get in the hole. And you can't surprise people unless you're in the ground. You surprise them and then you throw money at them. I can say, hey, give me those shoelaces.

Oh, okay. I call them ground spaghetti. I thought you were trying to bark at them to up your business. I bark. I make lizard noises. Whatever I have to do. What's a lizard noise? I've owned a lot of lizards in my day, Corbin. None of them sounded like that.

Well, you're not getting the ones that I get. The lizards talk to you. They're my roommates. They were in the ground first. We keep each other warm. Or cold. Yeah, they're cold-blooded. So am I. I adapted. From being around lizards? Yeah. Your blood turned cold?

Uh-huh. Oh, shit. Some kind of osmosis. Science is great. Who taught you osmosis? My dad. My dad's name is William Nye. He's kind of a science dude. Oh, you're thinking... No, I don't think that was your dad.

He was on TV. What? He had a TV show. No! Yeah, Bill Nye. He went by Bill. You know Bill? I know Bill Nye, the science guy.

Yeah, he was on TV for a while when I was a kid. Oh, this is William Nye the Biology Bro. Oh, okay. He wore a backwards visor and taught me about lizard blood. He also taught me how to keep a secret. What was the secret? You can tell me. No, he said never to tell.

He's not here now, so... He's not! He's not here. Oh, God He's not! He's not here. Oh, God. You can tell me, and maybe I'll tell the authorities. I thought I smelled him. No, no, that's me. Oh.

It's humid here, so I got a little sweaty. You smell like a... You smell like a man who would hurt a boy. I would never hurt... An inquisitive boy. I would never hurt a boy. He made me give him a tour of my body. I would never hurt a boy.

He made me give him a tour of my body. I hope you didn't pay him. I had to give him 40 bucks. Corbin. That's not how it works. You're going to have a guy explore your body. He's supposed to pay you. He wasn't exploring. He was spelunking. That's a how it works. If you're going to have a guy explore your body, he's supposed to pay you. He wasn't exploring.

He was spelunking. That's the type of exploration. He treated me like a cave. A man cave. It was a boy cave then. He put up a poster of Steely Dan. And the St. Polly girl. He said, green bottles for the cool boys. Did he left bottles in you?

He left bottles. He gave me the Arbuckle treatment. You're supposed to recycle those. He gave me the Fatty John Arbuckle treatment. He was doing a... I don't know about Arbuckle. You don't know about Fatty Arbuckle? No, what'd he do?

So Fatty Arbuckle, he allegedly put a... And I know I gotta say allegedly. It's been a long time. That's PC yeah he put a he put a coke bottle inside of a whore oh yeah

damn and that's why comedian Jim or cartoonist Jim Davis named John Arbuckle Arbuckle because that's what he was doing to Garfield

that's why Garfield was in a bad mood all the time he hated Mondays because he was full of glass bottles. Because every weekend. And those were two liters. Yeah. Glass, two liters. Yeah.

They had discontinuum because of the Arbuckle treatment. They were stained. Their reputation was sullied by Fatty Arbuckle. That's when they launched Coke New. New Coke? Coke New. Crystal Pepsi? No, it was called Coke New. Was it called Coke New? Coke New.

Coke comma new. Did we put it like that? No. Okay, well I'm back. There was our producer. Yeah, no, we're good. This is safe. We're recording for, you know, the authorities. I'm not going to send this to William Nye. Please don't. My throat hurts.

No, no. You never have to see him again. All right. My vocal cords sting. Now, this is what we're going to do. We're going to take you to a place called the Reemployment Center. Okay. It's a big building. Oh, I love a big building. And they're going to find you a job.

It's right around the corner from this hotel. In Boston? That's right. I love living here in you a job. Okay. It's right around the corner from this hotel. In Boston? That's right. I love living here in Beantown. We are in Boston. I love Beantown. We're going to take you to the re-employment center, and they are going to turn you into a trash can. What?

That's what they do there. Dreams come true. Somebody's at the end of their rope. They're not sure what to do. You go into the re-employment center. They give you a job, quote unquote, as a garbage can. Your favorite thing. Are they going to hollow me out and shape me like a barrel? Yeah, you get put into a machine.

Oh, I don't want to get denied treatment again. It's going to turn you into a garbage receptacle. Okay. You're going to get 50 cents a year. What? Yeah. Oh, my God. They pay you.

What? Yeah, because you're collecting people's trash. But how much do I have to pay people when they put the trash in me? No, no, no. You don't have to pay them anything. You're not going to be able to. The city pays them. The city pays them? Well, no. It's more just like an honor system. You're supposed to put trash in there, but there's no money involved. What, but I'm... Am I honorable? You are. After the things I've done? No, yes. The things done to me? Well, yeah. I mean, those are in the past, and you can't change the past. You can't?

No, but you can make... Then why do I keep praying? Well, that's something that makes you feel good, but it doesn't really help in the long run. It hurts my knees. Yeah, yeah. Because I have to kneel in the trash ground where I live, and the lizards nibble me. That's not very nice of them, and I'll tell you what. It's not very nice. Your knees aren't

going to hurt when you're a trash can. You're not really going to have knees. Okay. Yeah. Well, that's, I can't wait. When can I go down to the re-employment center? Let's go there after this episode. We're going to do this podcast. Okay, I might have to leave early. You're busy. Oh, yeah. Just imagine if you had to talk this way all the time. Your vocal cords would probably be pretty sore. Less is more when it comes to, yeah, having a silly voice. I mean, I can stay. I'm supposed to play pickleball.

Let's get a couple games of pickleball. You go play pickleball for the last time. Get a couple games in, and then we'll start your new life as a garbage can. That sounds great, because I don't like pickleball. Oh, then you don't have to go play. I do, I promised. Okay, you want to... I made a covenant with God.

You have to put... Yeah, well, yeah, you don't want to let down your opponent. I'm hoping today that the ball's bread and butter. Oh, you're playing with pickles. Yeah. Okay, I haven't played. That sounds fun. You'd love it.

I don't like pickles. It's like being at Schlotzky's Deli, and the manager goes in the back, and you have all you can eat, Pickle Bar Access. I usually throw the pickle away into what you're going to be, a garbage can. Don't tell anyone. That I throw them away? Don't tell anyone I'm in there eating all the pickles. Oh, yeah. Well, no, that's good.

It is good, but my hands and my feet are swollen with sodium oh yeah you're eating too many oh yeah so when the lizards nibble me i just pop like a water balloon and they get hosed down so you're cleaning them with pickle water that's good riding the lizard friends you don't eat them do you they're your friends. You're not supposed to eat your friends. Don't clam up now. We need a button. I gotta go. Pickleball time.

Yeah, I definitely don't have to go eat my friends. That's not where I'm going. Lizards look like a pickle with legs and a tail. They sure do. You don't have to tell me twice. They don't taste the same, though. Oh, you'd be surprised. You get enough pickle juice on them, then you can't tell the difference? I mean, allegedly.

I wouldn't know. I don't eat my buddies. Don't worry about litigation. You don't have to say allegedly. Those lizards are hell of a litigator. Also, Fetty Arbuckle is long dead. He can't sue you. So, yeah, he put stuff inside of sex workers.

He was a monster. I think that he was actually falsely accused. Now, William Nye, we have to say allegedly, because he could hire a lawyer to sue you. What if it was a lizard gator instead of a litigator? All of a sudden, he's getting 50 cents a year, even though you're the garbage can. Oh, so I still get the job? You would have the job, but you wouldn't get that 50 cents a year. It would go to Bill Nye because you would have been sued successfully for slander.

I was going to put a lien on my paychecks. It would be a lien, a lien to? I went to law school at Emerson. Before the accident? Yeah. Oh, okay. I had a bunch of friends over there. You had a promising future. I did. Before Mr. Nye allegedly came along and changed the trajectory trajectory of your life don't gender him I didn't you said mr. mr. mr. Nye don't do that to him he's a good guy well he's not a doctor so I can't call him dr. nine okay you can't know you see also I had to call a doctor after I got died he would say the end is nigh they'd cram me he grabbed me with two liters of new coke it's almost like he knew you were going to end up a garbage can he was just putting stuff into you before him yes press I had my

pilot's license you wrote a pilot they get picked up it did I wrote the show Boston Commons during Anthony Clark. That was a pretty good show. It was a hell of a program. You went to Emerson for screenwriting. I went to Emerson for screenwriting, was my undergrad. And then minored in aviation. And I got a double minor.

So did William Nye. You and who else? Kieran Culkin. Ah, the worst Culkin. He didn't start that way. Yeah, he had the most promising future of all of them. Oh, yeah. Oh, no.

I know, he really got into us. Got onto us. Got all over us. He was home alone with Ms. Nye. Yeah, yeah. Oh, boy. It was bad alone with Ms. Nye. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, boy. It was bad news.

Comrade Nye. Excuse me. Thank you. I was trying to avoid the gendering, but I went... Macaulay knew. Macaulay knew. He knew. He sold us into it. He's already making the big bucks.

Why was he selling his brothers off? He was jealous of our relationship. You and... Kieran. You and not... Kieran and not. No, me and Kieran were dating. Oh, you guys were... Oh, more than friends. Sweetest taboo. What?

Loving another boy. Oh, no, it's not taboo. That's okay. Oh, it's good? Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah, you and Kieran, probably similar in age, you know, you're just exploring. Hey, do you mind if I eat while I'm on the pod? It's not ideal, but if you're hungry... Okay.

Oh, I just want to have a little... Lizard! Shut up! Don't eat that lizard! Oh, no! Your roommate! Oh, no. He didn't pay rent.

Neither did you. Hey, you don't know that. I have to rent that trash can, and I also have to pay for the hole. You're getting hemorrhaging cash. Yeah, it sounds like this reemployment is going to be good for you. I hope so. You don't have to worry about anything ever again. All I do is worry.

I live in a cloud of fear and anxiety. Yeah, well, that's going to go away. You're just going to be in the park. You're not going to pay a dime. You're going to get 50 cents a year just for doing what you love, which is eating trash. 50 cents a year is a hell of an upgrade for me.

Yeah, you save that up, come 100 years, you could maybe, I don't know, buy a little trash can to raise as your own. Oh, my God, that's all I've ever wanted. Yeah, you could be... Just to have a little bucket baby. You could be a dad.

Yeah. Or a mom, whatever you are. Well, I'm not sure. Yeah, that's okay. I'll tell you what, William and I treated me like a dad. Yeah. Or a mom, whatever you are. Well, I'm not sure. Yeah, that's okay. I'll tell you what, William and I treated me like a woman. Yeah, that's not...

He used me. Yeah. You're not supposed to use anybody regardless of their gender. He ripped me wide open. Oh, man. He told me

I was his catcher's mitt. Yeah. He was throwing sliders tonight. Now he filled me up with White Castle burgers. They have those out here oh yeah why didn't we eat there you ate without me I'm over here eating my

friends I blew up a pickleball game for this I thought you're still going I might I'm kind of keep it open okay well you should decide soon because if you're not gonna go you should let your opponent know, and he'll get another opponent. Oh, I should. Yeah, that's the right thing to do. Let me make a phone call. Okay. Hello, Kieran? Hey, I'm not going to be able to make it to the

game today. No, I'm not busy eating my friends. I'm doing a podcast. Yeah, it's, what's it called? Chubby Behemoth. I'm doing Chubby Behemoth. Yeah, I guess it's regionally acknowledged. We're on the up and up. They're about to have ads next week. Yeah, that is going to piss a lot of people off. Yeah, they don't like it. But they've got to make a little bit of cheddar for once.

They've got to line their packets. I don't want to be a garbage can. I want to be a human. This guy doesn't want to be a garbage can anymore. No, it's for you, not me. Oh, he's putting words in my head. All right, I'll get him out of there. All right, I love you too.

See you at home. you guys are back together i didn't want to say anything on the pod but yeah that's good it's good yeah we maybe a little trauma bonding we live together you guys watch beekman's world and hold each other that's right and say you're glad that you're you have one watch whatever we were lucky because someone threw a bunch of beekman's world vhs is out the other day. Oh, yeah? We were just sitting in the house, and we're like, oh, hell, we can put these in. So you live in a house? No, he lives in the can with me. Oh, you call the can the house.

Is this gotcha journalism? Is that what this is? I'm with the reemployment center. We have to make sure that you're actually experiencing homelessness. Well, yeah. I got vetted before a bunch of non-veterans used me. They filled me up like a French piñata.

Oh, no. What's in a French piñata? Eclairs. Bunch of cheese. And you're lactose intolerant, you told me. Oh, no. I tolerate.

Yeah, but it's not... Your body doesn't react... Hates me. Oh, no, I tolerate. Yeah, but your body doesn't react kindly. Hates it, but I tolerate it. I don't want to be a bad guy. So you probably exploded before they even got the blindfolds on. I'm currently exploding right now. I didn't notice. Oh, yeah, this bed is ruined. Why did we have to do the podcast in your bed?

Luckily, that's Sam's bed. Where is Sam? I have no idea. I didn't know that you were going to be a guest. Sam keeps me in the dark about a lot of stuff, but I roll with the punches, you know? I don't want to be too annoying, because next thing you know, you know, I don't get booked for the next trip to Boston or New Orleans. I heard this is your first time in Boston. First time in Boston. What do you think of my accent? It's a typical Boston accent. This is how we all sound here.

It is, you know, it's fun. I like new experiences and meeting new people. What, did you guys go anywhere today? Well, we walked all over, yeah. We walked to Chinatown. What? We experienced that. You walked all the way to Chinatown. Yeah, yeah. We walked to Chinatown. What? We experienced that. You walked all the way to Chinatown.

Yeah, yeah. Those guys are crazy down there. You should see what they throw away. Well, that's not really fair, is it? I don't, it's not fair. You think I care about justice? I wouldn't. The life I've lived, you think I believe in equilibrium?

Well, those Chinese people maybe would call your lifestyle crazy, so. Living in a hole in the park and paying people to take tours of different trash cans? That's what I'm saying, yeah. They're going to judge me for that? Because I eat a couple lizards and play pickleball with the worst gulkin? They might. I'm saying that's not fair to you, just like you were unfairly treating the Chinese people. I didn't treat them wrong.

What am I? You othered them. I did not. I just said they're a wacky bunch they throw away weird stuff wacky the euphemism weird you know is it's triggering you hear the things people call me well that's not I'm not saying that's good it doesn't get a toilet on two legs it doesn't justify and I go down to Fleet Week and all the sailors use me up. There's none of me left.

Oh, they're not supposed to do that. Oh, they're not, but they do. I can't stop them. I'm full of lizards. I'm all tired from munching lizzos. That's not in the submarine code. Lizzo? You know about her?

Yeah, more like jizzo. Every time I see her, I cum in my pants. She's a real hot piece of ace. She played James Madison's flute you know James Madison I think probably putzed around Boston a little bit he did some damage what was he up to no good oh okay he was Shanghai and people for the Yakuza. Chinese city, Japanese gang. Oh, yeah. God. If you think the Chinese are wacky, you should see what these Japanese people are up to.

Oh, sure. You think I love eating lizards? Yeah, you weren't the first. I won't be the last. You'll probably be our last guest, though. You think so? This was an experiment. People are going to be pissed that Sam's not here.

Yeah, people tune in for Sam. No, they love you too. You've really got them. I've been listening to the pod. They really don't. Someone threw away a Zune the other day, and it was packed with your podcast. A Zune, yeah, that's a blast from the past. Oh, yeah.

Excuse me, I have to itch my nuts. Do you mind? Sam hates it, but I feel like, you know... I can see your guy. You're not gonna judge me.

You're just sitting on the edge of the bed with your dudes all bundled up. It's like a little hobo bindle, but it's testicles. Hey, you came into my hotel room.

You know what I mean? I didn't think that you were going to get all high and mighty on me. Well, this is actually the best thing a strange man's ever done to me in a hotel room. Right. Yeah, all I wanted to do was talk. I wanted to hear your story. I wanted to share it with our audience. I appreciate you having me.

I'm not going to take advantage of you. You know, I'm not going to touch you unless you want to be touched. I don't really want to. Yeah, I don't want to touch you. Look at you guys. Stop looking at my guys. They're all right there. Where do you want them to be?

I don't know. Maybe you could have pants on. I don't want to have pants on. You don't have pants on. Hey, it's your room. I'm not here to judge how you live. You're judging. I'm not judging.

I'm sorry. You beavis or butthead, because you're Mike Judgen right now. I'm con. Con? Yeah. That was a little troublesome, wasn't it? No way. I think a white guy was voicing him.

No. No? Yeah, it was Artie. Artie Lang? No, it was Artie, the strongest man in the world, from Pete and Pete. He did Com's voice, too. Okay, yeah, he's a white guy. Isn't that crazy?

He's a white guy. He was also the whiz in Seinfeld. The Mike? No, not the Mike. Toby Huss. The whiz. It's Toby Huss. Quite the resume the resume huh that guy was pretty good what can he do you know he got in trouble for playing con and then he also got in trouble for playing Artie because he's

not mentally handicapped but the character certainly was well he's kind of like you you should have played Artie. I read for the role. I was just a little boy. It didn't make any sense. You should have auditioned to be Pete or Pete. I wanted to be the ampersand. The ampersand's in every episode. I wanted to be the glue that held them together.

It would have been some job security. Remember how their mom was also a retardo? Right? Was she? She had a metal plate in her head. Oh, she had a metal plate in her head oh she had a metal plate in her head she was a korean war veteran i don't think that that uh lowered her iq oh i think it just made her a little quirky she was peculiar she yeah she couldn't listen to the radio okay they had to drive in the car and i love listening to the radio yeah she could me and kieran we go to the house and we eat a bunch of ants and we put on the radio. Do you guys have

Sirius XM? No. We just have XM. They merged. I know, but we never got updated. Oh, okay. We're XM guys. We're loyalists. You stuck with the original. Yeah, yeah. So no Stern for you. No, no, no. Daniel Stern has a radio station

on Sirius. Really? Speaking of Home Alone. That's McCauley's friend. Speaking of Home Alone, yeah, yeah, Daniel Stern has a radio station on Sirius. Really? Speaking of Home Alone. That's McCauley's friend. Speaking of Home Alone, yeah, yeah, Daniel Stern. What William did to us pales in comparison to the crimes of one Daniel Stern. Oh, no. I know. I thought he was America's sweetheart. Now there's blood on everyone's hands.

Yeah, that is a common theme. Joe Pesci? Yeah. Slaver of fellow men. Oh, God. Yeah. You know what his last name means in Italian? Do I want to know?

Yeah. Okay. Pussy. Oh. His name's Joey Pussy. Which is the worst kangaroo vagina you can get your hands on. Oh, Australian slang. Joey Pussy?

Those are just little guys. They're just babies. Yeah. Are the female kangaroo babies called joeys as well? They're all babies. Do they gender them? Is this where they've got you journalism?

I'm trying to catch you in a lie so that I can get you over to the re-employment center and get my 50 cents. Why isn't there any AC in this room? I have no idea. Yes, your eggs are sweating. The towels are some of the softest I've ever felt.

And then the remote is from Kmart, 98. Do you think I could take a shower? Shower's pretty good, yeah. The towels are great. I'd love to get clean. Yeah, Sam doesn't shower, so we got a fresh towel in there for you. Is that true? He rarely showers. What? I make him shower now so we got a fresh towel in there. Is that true? He rarely showers.

What? I make him shower now and again when I reach my breaking point. Do you like get in there and brush him off? No, I showed him how to do it, so he, I think he does an okay job. What's he excel at when it comes to bathing? Uh, he can get the right temperature. He doesn't do it too hot or too cold. That's good. That's huge. Yeah, He's huge, too. What? Have you seen him? No. He's bigger than you. I only hear him on the pad. You're big.

He's bigger. He's even bigger. I think I have a lot of room in that garbage can. Yeah, he'll get in the shower. You know what he's not good at? He needs improvement. You put the bath mat on the floor so that the floor doesn't get all wet. You have a bath mat?

The hotel does. What? Yeah, they supply them. Oh, my God. It's like living in the Taj Mahal. Oh, yeah. It's fancy in here. God, this is so opulent.

But we're just regular guys. We're just like you. You do seem... A couple of differences. You seem like you've eaten a couple of lizards. When I had to. I used to live in the desert. Oh, yeah.

That'll do it. Being out there in the caliche, munching clay wizards. Mm-hmm. That's what they call lizards. I didn't misspeak. Clay wizards. They are magical, aren't they? They sure are.

Some of them. Cold-blooded. That is a marvel. Yeah, I like to talk to my friends and I say, you cold-blooded. Oh, sure, yeah, that's a euphemism. But the lizards actually are regulated, their temperature's regulated by the sun. They're also treasonous.

Really? They'll stab you in the back. No allegiance to brotherhood or culture. No gods, no masters, those lizards. Punk rock. They're always crawling in my ears and licking them out. I say, hey, I'm saving that for Kieran. That's his. Kier-wax. Kier-wax. that for Kieran that's his cure wax here wax I hear it

sorry what he popped my eardrums a couple of times with what trombone he was practicing trombone in the barrel so the earwax helps lessen the damage from the trombone proximity it dampens to your canal the volume yeah okay well that's not fair the lizards they're not thinking more than a couple steps ahead they don't think no they have small brains so it's a lot of love it's just instinct right yeah and a bit of like ancestral survival tactics that they inherited through just being created by those that by those that came before yeah their brains are in our brains have you heard this lizard we have a lizard brain oh parts of it are similar yes yeah yeah but then

ours got bigger that's right theirs is little yours didn't yours didn't but most people's rambling around in here you can feel it yeah yeah yeah that's not good it's not it's like That's right. Yours is little. Well, yours didn't. Yours didn't. But most people's brains... Mine's rattling around in here. You can feel it moving. Oh yeah. Yeah, that's not good. It's not? It's like there's a single gumball left in the machine.

Right, yeah. Somebody should have filled it up... I'm the machine. ...and nobody did. I'm Burt Kreischer. I'm kidding. I love his comedy. Do you?

Oh yeah, he's the greatest. Takes his shirt off. His brain rattles around his head too. You know, I love him. He's been really good to Sam. Yeah, he's an greatest. Takes his shirt off. His brain rattles around his head, too. You know, I love him. He's been really good to Sam. Yeah, he's an early fan. He found out about him two weeks ago when Sam started comedy. No, no. Sam's been doing it for more than two weeks.

Yeah, but Bert just found out about him and planted the flag like Columbus. No. Bert thinks Sam is India. Hey, you just showed me your guys again I'm hot Take it off It sucks No, it's okay

I'm doing this for you I liked it when the guys were on display It didn't seem like you did It was cool It was like I was looking for Easter eggs You were distracted I was I was hungry

They look like lizard eggs Those are soft Yeah There's no calcium in the shells No shell On my eggs They look like lizard eggs. Those are soft. Yeah. There's no calcium in the shells. No shell. On my eggs. Your... What?

My balls. They don't have a shell on them. Oh, that's what's in there? Balls. I thought it was your guy. I thought it was your roommate. Oh, my God. Yeah.

Oh, you thought... Okay. Because I usually keep my lizard friends in the front of my undies. I thought you were being coy. No, no. Do you want to be coy? Yeah. Joe or...

I want to be Joe Coy. Colt Mick. Remember him? Colt McCoy? Colt McCoy. Yeah, that's what came to my mind for the first reason, too. I don't know why. We're not so different, you and I.

Interesting. I've been saying that. You look like you're going to go to the re-employment center and be turned into a dumpster or a mailbox. Maybe not a trash can. That's my retirement plan, but I've still got another ten years or so before it's my time. I've always wanted to have a city job. Your time has come. Yeah.

And you've lived a frustrating and exciting life. A lot of pain. Yeah, and hopefully some bright spots. Not really. It's a world of gray and black. Well, you experience love with Kieran and friendship. Yeah, but I think it's just a trauma bond after what Willie did to us. Well, that might be part of it, but I think that

there must be more there or else it would have ended already. Maybe. I do think about him first thing when I wake up. And right before I go to bed, I look over and I say, God damn it, I'm the luckiest barrel boy in the world. That's good. You stay positive. I do. Well, I have to.

There's no cure. You can get on prep. You know? After you have it already. Are you on prep? I dabble. If people leave it in the park. If they throw it away, I say, hey, hey.

It's my lucky day. You swallow it. I do, yeah. That's what got me into this mess in the first place. Now, I'm pretty sure that in the fine print, the side effects of PrEP are that if you only have it now and then, there can be disastrous consequences. What? Yeah. Oh, crap.

I got to call Kieran. I think that's what happened to your arm. Is that the prep, you know, just in random doses caused the atrophy. And that's why it smells like that in here. That's your arm. I don't think that's my arm. That's what the smell is. I thought that was Sam's pillowcase. Why is his pillowcase all covered in marinara sauce?

Or is that peanut sauce? I don't know what it is but it's looking at makeup on or something yeah it comes out of his body when he sleeps his knee was bleeding it was yeah what happened there i don't know i mean we're looking at a picture of sam's knee yeah i didn't notice that yeah his knee was all bloody he didn't say anything earlier he was he really just grins and bears it. He was railing against a lot of different folks. He doesn't like a big multicultural city like this.

Oh, you're not giving him enough credit. I think I am. He's from a small town and he's adapting slowly. But he has an open mind. He has an open mind because of that head wound. Yeah, he's also bleeding from his head. The plate came out. Is that what this is on the pillowcase?

I think that makes more sense. Is that brain matter? Than him sweating red sauce, yeah. I think that the plate did wiggle out a little bit. Well, you guys are staying up here in the North End. I had to shake him awake, and so I think I might have caused the sutures to burst. Well, that's the thing. A lot of people don't know this about Boston hotels but there's magnets all over so if you got a metal plate sucks it right out there's a magnet in the pillow there's a magnet in the pillow

huh that must be some kind of weird mind control you know what's weird about having a voice like this you can only talk for a half hour that way well it might be time to check out that re-employment center. Alright, I can go down there. It's right around the corner. Alright, should we go together? No, I gotta finish this podcast. Oh, you don't want to bring it with us?

I think we should say goodbye now. Okay. But thank you for your time. It was a hell of a pleasure to be here. And when you see Sam, tell him, big fan, I saw him at Skank Fest. You went to Skank Fest? Oh yeah, we save up every year, me and Kieran. How'd you get out there?

We took what we like to call an aeroplane. You got a plane ticket. We got a plane ticket. Oh, okay. Yeah, someone threw one away. Someone threw away an all-access four-day pass to Skagfest. In a park in Boston. Beacon Hill.

What luck. It's the best day of my life. Besides the day I met Kieran Culkin. You only went for one day. When I met Kieran Culkin on the set of North, I said, this is the rest of my life. See, yeah, you knew. Because he was the other guy's body double.

You know, a lot of people know that. Is that his name? Elijah Wood was in Lawrence. Yeah, Elijah. He's the main guy. Yeah, he definitely didn't help when he could have. He knew. He knew.

He looked away. He did a whole interview with Variety, and he alluded to a lot of sex crimes with children. Allegedly. He didn't name names name names he said it's going on it's happening yeah Hollywood's a real den of booty thieves we know I had allegedly he a little bit older than you he got taken advantage of by mr. wizard a lot of these popular children's television science instructors have sordid pasts. Mr. Wizard, yeah. Well, let's not talk about what Barney did to generations of kids.

Luckily, Barney didn't have fingers. He just had one thumb, and then the rest was like a... Yeah, that thumb went pretty deep. You can do a lot of damage with a dildo-shaped thumb. Just saying, bro. Bro, I'm just saying. Who do you got tonight, the Celtics or the Knicks? Oh, what do I got tonight?

Hmm. Uh... The Knicks. Alright, I thought maybe you'd go with Boston, but... Knicks are looking good. Like... How long I thought about the answer to that question. I appreciate you being honest.

I really like to look inward. If you would have gone lizard green, you would have said Celtics. I would because they're green. They play here. And also lizards. Green like a lizard. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Yeah. But no, you went with the Knicks. They're an up-and-coming team. I love the Knicks. You're a Knicks guy. Oh, since day one. Since Jeremy Lin. That wasn't day one of the Knicks.

That guy throws away some weird stuff. You can't help it. You can't. It's like you can't help, but get the fuck out of here. All right, I'll take off. Thank you. Hey, y'all, listen to my podcast. You have a podcast?

Yeah, yeah. What's it called? Getting Tr off. Thank you. Hey, y'all, listen to my podcast. You have a podcast? Yeah, yeah. What's it called? Getting Trashed. Do you get drunk? Yeah, me and Kieran, we drink whatever liquor's thrown away, whatever fermented juice, and we just kind of riff on the news and stuff. I know there's a lot of podcasts

where it's just two guys talking, but I think we do it different. Oh, okay. Yeah, we put our own spin on it. Sam and I like to say that, too, about our podcast. Who's Sam and I? No, Sam and myself. Oh, I thought Yeah, we put our own spin on it. Sam and I like to say that, too, about our podcast. Who's Sam and I? No, Sam and myself. Oh, I thought you were in Chinatown. Sam and I? No, no, no.

Okay. Yeah, that's a different word. But you'll learn all about that down at the Reemployment Center. I can't wait. Hey, thanks for the opportunity. Sure, yeah. Plug your podcast one more time. They're getting trashed. Is it on Spotify? No. Sure, yeah. Plug your podcast one more time. They're getting trashed.

Is it on Spotify? No. Oh, okay. They won't let us. They won't let you on? You have to go to the library and listen to it. Oh, okay. We put it on CDs.

CD-ROM? Yeah. Oh, okay. Uh-huh. Well, yeah, people still listen to CDs all the time. Yeah. Do you like CDs? That's good.

Do you like CDsds i've been seeing these all day i just want no you guys are what's the other one stuck in your body is it up in your cavities oh i thought you're talking about can i plug my dates yeah what do you got i'm gonna be a golden gate park i don't think you are you can't you can't decide where you get placed as the trash can oh i'm sorry if i made it sound like you had a lot of agency in this. Oh, I thought I put in my veils and then they sent me to different parks. And I could eat different culinary treasures from around the country. Maybe the world.

It's possible, but a lot of times the trash can is put in one place and that's where you stay. Well, that's not how I do it. I hope that's okay. I'm moving all over. I'm digging holes every night. Well, so maybe... I'm like Dana Gould's character in Seinfeld.

Maybe you don't go down to the re-employment center. It sounds like you might want to stay a man. But I don't want to disappoint you. Oh, it's not about me. You went out of your way to give me this great high-paying job. I thought it sounded like your only option,

but it seems like if you want to travel, then you should travel. Well, it's easy when you're a trash man. Bucket. Right. Yeah, I know. You would be trading that in for a different life that would have a little more stability. Huh. And so I thought you were ready for that transition.

But if not, maybe you don't turn into a trash can just yet. God, it's so complex maybe you talk this way on the pod for another 25 minutes or so well this is how i talk all the time that's what i'm saying you could stay people i listen to your pod and i'm active on the sub reddit oh yeah yeah i gotta go to the library i turn in my cds for my podcast getting trashed with karen culkin and cor. What's your last name? Le Master. Le Master?

Oh, so you're French. You have a French background. That's exciting. They throw some stuff away, too. I don't know why you're being so judgy about what people from China throw out. French people are throwing shit away all the time. You wouldn't believe. French people threw away a lot.

Yeah. They threw away a monarchy they threw away a way of life that's right anyway I think I should probably take off you seem like you ran out of questions for me oh yeah I didn't talk for two seconds I can understand why that frustrated you.

I got a lot going on. This is about you though. If you gotta go, you gotta go. Alright. Well, I'll see you guys all soon. Thanks for having me on the pod. Good luck out there, Corbin. Thank you. Beep boop boop boop.

Hey Kieran. Hey, I'm done doing that fat guy's podcast. Yeah. I think he was trying to fuck me. You were in his hotel room, and I could clearly see his balls through his little shorts. He was just in his underwear.

Yeah. I know. I'm glad I got denied. Yeah, that is a good joke we do about when we were molested by William Nye Alright Okay, I'll see you back at home Wait, what? Half a pumpkin?

Oh, we're gonna eat forever Alright, I love you too Bye-bye Corbin, you're still in the room You have to leave I heard that whole thing You called me fat Oh, God All right, I love you, too. Bye-bye. Corbin, you're still in the room. You have to leave. I heard that whole thing. You called me fat.

Oh, God. I forgot the acoustics are different outside the barrel. You should have kept it moving. You acted like you were going to leave, and then you just kind of pretended to walk away. I'm really sorry. I'll take off. All right, thanks so much.

Corbin, everybody. That was Corbin, the half-garbage man, half-tour guide, almost became a garbage can. And now, he's on his way. Let's wish him luck. Say a little prayer for Corbin. Oh, man. Whoa, there he is. What the hell,

Sam? What's up, dude? Who's that guy? Why don't you have a seat? You will not believe the last half hour I had. I started the podcast recording. What the heck? With, well, hey, we need one. People are going to be pissed. You were on a phone call with God knows who.

Some consulate, you know, and I didn't want to disturb you. Yeah, I had to try and fix a little problem they're having over there. Where? Syria and Lebanon. Oh, okay. Well, I figured it was something important. You had that serious look on your face. I had a Syria look in my face because I was thinking about them. That's right. I said,

be honest with each other. You don't want to be persona Lebanon Grata. But, yeah, you should get involved in that. And meanwhile, I thought I'd take care of our little business. Well, I do appreciate that. Despite that guy Corbin on, he is a character.

He looked, he was like what? Three foot five? Let's get him back in here. Three foot six? Is he? Let me see. I'm kidding. Let me see if he's out there.

No, he's gone. No, I want to talk to him too. No, I'll catch you up. Less is more when it comes to Corbin. Hey, Corbin, do you want to come back in? He overstayed his welcome. Alright. Hey, man. Now there's two

of you. No, I think we should probably only have Sam in here. Why do you want me to bring him back in? That was a joke. I was kidding. Oh, that hurts. Why does he do this? Why does he do that? He's a real nightmare.

What? Me? Yeah. I don't have to take this. No, you do not, Corby. You get out of here, buddy. It was nice to meet you. Are you going to be in Golden Gate Park in a couple of weeks?

Yeah, who told you? Well, I didn't want to say anything, but... I listened to getting trashed. Oh my god, that's so nice. Lund just... Oh, sorry. I figured I'd take a nap while the two of you hashed it out. Look, Corbin, you gotta got to get out of here. Lund's had enough.

All right, okay. I'll see you later. This was a dumb idea to come back. All right, later, Corbin. Well, he seems like a nice guy. Listen, Corbin was great. I couldn't get him out of here. I wanted you, but I figured, you know, all right, we'll take up a little bit of time getting to know this guy.

He creeped me out. How so? Just bad vibes, you know, desperate look in his eye. Started plugging his podcast. It's like, you're on our podcast. Well, that's why you have someone on. You have someone, I mean, hopefully, getting trashed. That gets a lot of listeners.

More than us. Kevin Culkin's on that. I guess, yeah. The Culkin name sells butts and seats. He's huge. Well, then maybe we get a little bump from old Corbin. I hope so. They have Jeremy Piven on there sometimes.

Piven? Yeah. He's my favorite comic. I love Piven. Have you heard him live? Dude, Piven live is another experience entirely. You have to see him live, yeah. Oh, yeah.

No one does it like Piven up there on stage. You've got to be in the room. You have to see him live, yeah. Oh, yeah, no one does it like Piven up there on stage. You gotta be in the room. Yeah. Then you can feel that anger. Yeah, yeah, you can be like, oh man, this guy was wronged. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, I just want to say, I had a nice day with you today. Real nice, wasn't it? Yeah. I told Corbin about it. That was cool.

He was jealous. He said, you know, he's kind of confined to the one part, because if he strays from his garbage can home, then somebody else could take over. I'll listen to the episode. I don't know what the hell you're talking about. I'm telling you. You sound insane right now. That's what you guys talked about for 40 minutes? A guy who lives in a garbage can?

Well, that was one part of it. We got a little bit of his history, his shared history. What was his history? How he met Kieran. Oh, they went into that? That's a great story. You remember Bill Nye the Science Guy? Oh, I love him.

William Nye? Yeah. Don't love him. Why? He did some stuff to Corbin, allegedly. Yeah, I know. Well? That's why I love the guy.

Oh. Yeah. You like listening to the pod to hear about a person being victimized. Why are you covering up your lap with the blanket? Oh, unlike you, Corbin didn't want to see my nuts through my underwear. Hey, let's see them. Come on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, there they are. Look at this. Uh-oh. That's what this is. I know what that is. That's my little lizard friend. Is that a dog's nose?

Yeah, he got a little bit upset by it i said hey man it's my room you know try to take him down to the re-employment center so we can make a couple bucks yeah you're gonna turn him in yeah but he got on to me yeah well that's what he does he started three foot five he climbed he started talking about wanting to see the world i started to feel guilty i get it i couldn't lie to him be like oh yeah they move you around from park to park uh you get you know it's part of the whole program is that you get to see the world you can't uh explore it per se but you can be stationed in different parks uh across the country every few months you get relocated that is good and then i started to feel bad because that's all horseshit fuck you weren't so he got on me well i his earnesty and his honestness, his openness.

It's important to be earnest. Started to make me feel bad. I love that book. It started to make me feel like a real douche. I'm just glad to know that you can still feel. Oh, yeah, now and then I feel stuff. I feel stuff when I watch the movie Now and Then. Shit.

Christina Ricci. Oh, yeah. Rosie O'Donnell. Rosie O'Donnell and Christina Ricci all in the same movie? Check, please. Breast of both worlds. Oh, yeah. Rosie O'Donnell. Rosie O'Donnell and Christina Ricci, all in the same movie? Check, please. Breasts of both worlds. Oh, yeah. Breasts of both worlds.

Breasts of both girls. You don't need any gum. It's grown. This isn't gum. What is it? It's your gout medication? My pills. You're always forgetting to eat your pills, and then we go and we eat seven animals, and

you're like, oh, crap. How about that meal we had today down there in Chinatown? Nothing weird about those guys. Yeah, everything they do makes sense, oh, crap. How about that meal we had today down there in Chinatown? Nothing weird about those guys. Yeah, everything they do makes sense. Hell yeah. How about how we were seated at a table for two. Right. There was an empty table next to us.

A young couple sat down, and very quickly they were relocated. They were shooed away to a bigger table. To accommodate more room for our food we ordered. So we could have two tables worth of meals. relocated they were shooed away to a big bigger accommodate more room for our food we ordered so we could have two tables worth of meals that was crazy dude yeah just a couple sitting there and then we order and then an older chinese woman comes up and is like go go and moves them away yeah and then they jam our tables together so we can get more eggplant and tendon on that table

i thought that they asked their server can we please sit further away from these two And then they jam our tables together so we can get more eggplant and tendon on that table. I thought that they asked their server, can we please sit further away from these two literal garbage monsters? Yeah. And no, it was a decision by the staff. Yes, it came right from the top. That's right. Yeah, it was good. I'm glad we ate all the things that we ate. Well, hey, man, we take a long walk down to Chinatown.

You got to get the tendon. You got to get the eggplant. You got to get the black mushrooms. I wish I could have experienced the specific method of tendon that you described because that sounds like it's one of your favorite things to put in. It is. And that tendon was fine. It was good.

But it was just like big, like wrist-sized hunks of tendon. Yeah, it was a lot. And I like when they freeze it and they shave it like pho beef. And then they serve it cold with sesame oil and Sichuan chilies. You probably could have figured it out with the server, but... She didn't talk the same as me. Yeah. Yeah.

I think you could have said thin slices, cold tendon, and we would have been on our way. No, dude, because when we ordered the tendon initially, she said, that's not meat. Yeah. She's like, have you had it? Have you had it? And I was like, yeah, I love it. She's like, it's not meat.

I was like, okay, well, I know what I want, so bring it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I guess, yeah. No, but I did blow it, dude. You know, I'm going to go back to Five Spice House in between shows tonight.

In between shows six and seven tonight? Yeah. Oh, fuck. I have to do the seven o'clock at Laugh Boston. Do you? Yeah. What time is that? It's four o'clock.

Okay, so we got time. We have to go to dinner at five. That's true. Fuck. This is all going to be fucked. You have four shows? Yeah. Allegedly.

Yeah. For sure I have two. Okay.huh that's good yeah last night was great dude how you loving boston 10 out of 10 i mean i i know that there's got to be a lot of problems last night was a little scary getting home because just so many people just wandering drunk you know like you know people fighting talking to themselves a lot of people and people can come in all shapes and sizes and backgrounds and on the spectrum between good and evil they're all jammed together smart and spy yeah they're on top of each other which can create some some tension you got robert parishes you got guiguas you got super spies that's right so. So, I understand all of that,

but that being said, I have had a really nice time. We ate at Baco. We ate at Baco. We ate at a place. I wasn't going to talk about it on the pod. Why not? Because I was going to save it for the super secret Patreon tier. Of course. I'm kidding. Let's spill it. Hey, we ate at Baco, an Italian

restaurant here in the North End. Hey, I'm eating over here. The original sp ate at Baco, an Italian restaurant here in the North End. Hey, I'm eating over here. The original spilling of the tea right here in Boston. Uh-huh, yeah. Spill it. Yeah, we ate at Baco. It wasn't just a photo opportunity. We did eat there because of the name.

Yeah. And, man. The turtle soup was amazing. The tendon today was solid. I wish I could have had what you had. Yeah, we all do. Let's let it go. That made you fall in love. But, last night at Baco,

the server said we should get a veal dish, and we did, and it was incredible. And you pretended to give a shit for like two seconds about the fact that it was veal? Yeah. You were like, actually, I don't care. I don't have any morals or scruples or anything. No, no. That's what you said. What I said was...

You said, pin me, pay me. I'm a jobber. Yeah. I'm here to do the job. What's your job? To eat a baby little piece of cow. As I'm trying to say, hey, yeah, ideally we don't have the veal. Before it was recommended by the server.

And then I was like, you know, it's not like we give a bunch of money to the American Veal Association to make sure that they stay in business. We're not keeping them afloat. I haven't had veal in probably 15 years. That's what you claimed. I don't remember the last time I had veal. Well, I checked your pockets of your jeans. Packed with veal. Well, yeah, for later.

Oh, okay. I haven't eaten any of it yet. I see. So I thought about that, and then I thought, I'm going to be on a moral high ground when I eat veal that is allowed to live for 15 years, thinking that it's going to have a nice long life, and then it gets cut short. Well, yeah, and then we also discussed the genocide of chickens you eat every week. What does it matter?

And how if you go to heaven, you should be confronted with the amount of chickens you eat every week what does it matter and how if you go to heaven you should be confronted with the amount of chickens you've eaten you should have to apologize to every animal that you encountered yeah a lot of dim sum duck yeah yeah those those add up uh so yeah i you ate my baby and my mother and man that veal like i think the, if I've had veal, that was probably the third time I ever ate veal. The first two times it was like okay. I always got it at Booger the Bapple. Yeah. Yeah. This was so good.

It was so incredible. And it's like, yeah, I feel a little naughty, but I'm not going to have veal every day. It's the Swedish taboo. Deal with it. Deal with it, PETA. Hey, PETA. I'm not into you. Thanks for sponsoring the pod, but it's the sweetest taboo deal with it deal with it pita hey pita i'm not into you thanks for sponsoring the pod but it's over yeah we're pedophiles we had a nice we love pita we had a nice run someone's done that joke a million times i bet pedophiles yeah feels new to

me wow that's what i love about you everything's new to me yeah i don't have any short-term memory exactly i remember a little bit of my childhood, but that's because it was burned, you know, and my brain was still fully functioning. Right. But since then, what's your name again? Pete? Me? Yeah. You Pete? I'm Sam. Artie? Sam. Sam. Sam. Your best friend, Sam. Do you remember Pete and Pete? Yeah, of course. Remember Artie? Yeah. He was the voice of Khan on King of the Hill. That's insane. Can you tell me the truth? You knew that.

No way. Do you remember the spinoff Khan of the Hill? Yeah. It was kind of bad. Well, yeah. Because it was all about Khan in war-torn Laos. You need Khan to be the neighbor and Hank and his family. Also, you replaced Bobby with a talking landmine that the U.S. government planted there during the Vietnam conflict.

Yeah. Kim Jong-un was the neighbor in Khan of the Hill. I like Kim Jong-dos. He's wacky. Remember his dad? Yeah. Kim Jong-il. Uh-huh.

He had the sickest rhymes. He was crazy. Yeah. Yeah. He was a fourth beastie. Yeah, he, like, died from eating cigarettes. He died from going down on a woman for too long. Yeah. Yeah. He was a fourth beastie. Yeah, he like died from eating cigarettes. He died from going down on a woman for too long. What?

Yeah. He thought that that would replace sustenance, and he passed away. That's what Corbin told me. Corbin. Did he say that? I don't know. I have to listen to the episode. You live in the park long enough.

He did say that. Go check the tape. Okay. I'm not making this up. He said, you know, even though he lives in the park, you have a whole world walk by you every day. So that adds up to a lot of information, a lot of stories. Well, I would have loved to have been here, but I had to deal with that phone call. And then also I've been on the toilet. You were on the phone in the toilet. Yeah. Well, here's the thing. When I'm at home, I'm a good boy. And I don't drink, and I don't eat any animal products. Allegedly. I'm vegan

and I don't drink. And then Friday rolls around, and I meet up with you, and the WOD squad gets back together, and we descend on Baco, and I have a couple glasses of wine, eat mussels and veal, a bunch of cheese. And then I go on stage every Friday, and I just have diarrhea.

I'm just on stage thinking about how much I have diarrhea, and how I hope none of it comes out. Yeah. That's all I think about on stage. Is that you're probably going to shit your pants? Yeah, like if I pooped, I'm wearing shorts, everyone would know. It would go everywhere. It would trickle down my thigh. Yeah, so I kind of got to like, I don't know if that's the best.

Like five days of like, hey system, I'm taking care of you. And I meet up with you and it's just like, let's go to the zoo and it's all you can eat. Let's eat a bunch of hay and smaller animals. Those pellets they feed the giraffes. Yeah. Yeah. bunch of hay and smaller animals those pellets they feed the giraffes yeah yeah uh it's too bad that we have not been on the same page food wise in probably like five years because when you were keto i had not yet uh stumbled upon my gout prevention yeah your new thing so i was good

and you were the worst you weren't good you were just like eating's ever been. You weren't good. You were just like eating cheese. That's fine. You weren't eating veggies and stuff. I was. You had clever workarounds. I'd have the plant-based burger, the black bean burger. I'd have the fucking sweet potato tacos. That's how I live.

I was pretty good. Yeah. I was being pretty good. I'd have meat now and then. Yeah. And you were like, let me get a meat sandwich, but instead of bread, can it be more meat? I'm thinking pork chops in between a lamb burger yeah and uh yeah and you shove it in my face and you're like

look how healthy i am yeah i can't wait to find you in the bathroom dead yeah from a heart that's exploded from being so healthy i hit up uh canane to tell him i was vegan because he's also like pretty vegan yeah and he was like oh good for you man and I was like yeah it turns out uh keto's bad yeah that's what my uh doctor told me and he was like yeah yeah it seemed like uh everyone told you that anyone who's ever heard the keto diet described to them knew it was a bad idea yeah yeah so well yeah so lost a lot of weight what those doctors work for outback Steakhouse? And they're like, yes, the more meat, the better. I don't understand it.

Yeah, they're on Outback's dime. McDonald's was like, listen, Doc, you start spreading the truth, we're going to go out of business. Yeah, we're doomed. That can't happen. Most of the real estate in America, the whole market's upheld by us, McDonald's. Yeah, our ice cream machines are always down. We can't sustain ourselves with dessert and Cokes.

So yeah, why don't you shut up and start telling people to throw the bun away. Because we're not going to just sell you meat and cheese at a discounted price. Yeah, also, you get two pickles. That's all you get. Yeah. Two slices of pickles. Yeah, they really dip you down on the pickles. And then just a dand's yeah two slices of pickles yeah they really and then you down and then like a like just a dandruff of onions oh yeah that's just that's just off the

floor they just give me all the onions yeah give me a whole onion in my burger if i wanted yeah anyway uh so yeah now uh the the script has been flipped and actually you know you i mean i'm cool man i'm like water i would go wherever you want to go as far as eating and you're like hey we have to go to deer head the deer head in where you get a deer head for an appetizer and an entree i would love to eat a whole cow's head and we each grab the antler and we pull like a wishbone yeah and we start gnawing i i don't want to do that but you're like hey when in rome it's like we're not in Rome, we're in Boston. We could eat a salad.

Oh, let's talk about this. Shout out to The Hideout, first of all. Dude. Shows are sold out. Last Night Rules. One Crush last night. I wore the shirt. I did Crush.

Yeah, you should come back. I think I will. Yeah, you should come back on your own. Thanks for having me. Yeah, of course. That's the whole plan. I know. What about next year we work it out?

You're handling the hideout. I'm at Laff Boston. Same time. Yeah. I come over to a guestie. Yeah, yeah. I come over, bury you. They cancel your dates. Like, wait, we thought we were seeing Sam.

No, we shouldn't do that. We share some of the same fan base. Shout out to Marjorie, Kevin. Maybe back-to-back weekends. All the crew. People come up to both. Can you stay here for a week? No, no, no.

That'd be cool. I just live here. Yeah. Move Megan and the dogs out. Hey, you know how we left Denver because it was getting too big? Let's move to Boston. Fifth biggest city in the world.

Dude, you would love it here. I do love it here. Yeah, I know. We're staying tomorrow, too. No, I don't think we are. I changed your flight. I hacked your phone while you were talking to Cor here. Yeah, I know. We're staying tomorrow, too. No, I don't think we are. I changed your flight. I hacked your phone while you were talking to Corbin. Oh, shit.

I left it in the bathroom. You turned in. Oh, man. Who was that lady that you left open? I think you had a dream about her last night. I dreamt about Brandy Love. Yeah, you did. Who's like my... I don't even know. She wouldn't be in my top 20. Because she's just like, yeah, of course.

She looks like a porn star. And you said you almost gooed in your sleep. I did. And I said that would have ruled. We had a hell of a night together. In my brain. For no reason at all. I haven't watched porn in like two weeks.

No. I'm also off the stuff. I'm sick of it. Yeah. But then I keep going back of course you do you're an addict well it's late at night Megan's sleeping I'm not gonna wake her up hey let's bow why don't you just reach over and honk her cuz it'll wake her up sometimes she wakes up when I like move

a little bit yeah she like what was that she'll wake up like earthquake earthquake she'll wake up like it was a door getting kicked in what was that? oh the DA's here oh the dog moved a little you know it's crazy and then and then

Emmy can sleep through anything yeah god bless her she goes deep well typically I can but then sometimes when I wake up it's because she's like

screaming along to Rocky Horror's soundtrack and it's like hey uh hello I'm like tiptoeing around when i get home from work and you still wake up and then you think you can just fucking get good at the trombone while i try

to nap what are you kieran culkin you do listen i thought you were bullshitting i listened to their pod i know i thought you were i thought you were just lying to a lot of the pods just corbin talking about different lizards he's eaten. He calls them his friends. Oh, yeah, he acts like he doesn't know that they don't want to be eaten. That's a big thing. It's like, is he telling the truth? Is it just for the pod?

I can't tell. Yeah, no, he eats them. He ate one in here, in your bed. What? I'm sorry, yeah. He sat where you were sitting. Oh. And, yeah. It's kind of an honor.

He took out a lizard and ate it. And I tried to stop him. I was like, Sam's bed. And he was like like it's already all weird over here there's meatballs and i was like those aren't meatballs he has a head thing and he was like oh god and i was like yeah it's gross but hey what are you gonna do like it's tough out there you sound just like it all right well i spent a little time with him it's easy to mimic a voice that's super memorable. Oh, my throat hurts, though. I've only been doing it for like four seconds. Yeah, I know, man.

I can't imagine being him. Oh, yeah. My throat hurts a lot. Why? I don't know. I think it's because I ate a bunch of slushy snow off the ground. You're screaming at the leaders of Syria and Lebanon. Yeah, I was like, look, the borders are fake.

Look, shut up. Shut up. You guys all like the same shit. Yeah. You pray at different times You guys all like the same shit. Yeah. You pray at different times of the day to the similar god. What, one of you puts lemon in your baba ganoush and you want to go to war? Right. What are we doing?

What? When I talk to him, I sound like Harry Caray. That's what I do. The voice of Boston for years and years. That's right. Red Sox baseball with Harry Caray and Steve Stone. Go Bruins. So, yeah, I just want to say this before we go. That's right. Red Sox baseball with Harry Caray and Steve Stone. Go Bruins. So I just want to say this before we go.

Last night ruled. We have to do another half hour because Corbin's part doesn't really count. Oh, fuck. You signed a contract. We hung out with Brian Regan last night. We did. Yeah. We barely mentioned it.

I know. We're so busy talking about our other adventures. It was really cool to meet him. Yeah. What a fucking hilarious guy. He's so funny. One of the few that is completely clean and still one of the best. Off stage, he is not clean.

No, he swears. He swears a lot. He swore at me. I know. You fucking mook. And I was like, I'm not Italian. He's like, I don't fucking care. I was like, geez, that's two.

Yeah. One more and you're out of here. His girlfriend cried because I knew her aunt and uncle in Elizabeth. Oh, I didn't know that. I was like, jeez, that's two. Yeah. One more and you're out of here. His girlfriend cried because I knew her aunt and uncle in Elizabeth. Oh, I didn't know that. Oh, yeah. I saw you guys talking about Colorado. Yeah, she kept holding my hand. She's like, my aunt and uncle, the Brakeleys, they live out in Elizabeth.

And I was like, I know where their farm is. And she was like, oh, God. Nan's dead. And I was like, wait, who's Nan? The farm looks like shit. She told me a story about her cousin, like, rolling a cousin rolling a car at 470 and I-25. Whoa. I was like, oh, where's Brian?

Can I do voices with Brian some more? London Brian and Steve Rogers are having a blast over there. Yeah, Brian and I talked about Vegas because he's lived out there for 20 years. I know. I played cards at his house one time, but I didn't want to bring it up. And you didn't bring it up, which I think is weirder. I was scared I was like, he doesn't remember me. I hate when people are like you don't remember me? I didn't want to do that to someone else. But you wouldn't

have done that. All you would have said is at some point. Me, Marsha Warfield, Carrot Top. You probably don't remember this because I was just a face in the crowd giving you 50 bucks. I was just a guy who didn't have a thousand dollars to lose but did

you did yeah that was the buy-in yeah whoa and when i left they gave me 300 why he was like here you go man thanks for coming just to recoup well i mean he knew where i was in the like the scale you know yeah that's why you didn't want to bring it up you thought he'd want that 300 back yeah that was a loan bitch yeah well I've been emailing you. You were like, I thought it was your date. I thought it was just, I was on the mailing list. Yeah, Brian Regan, dude, he was the man. Shout out to McPhee for inviting us to that.

That was sick. I love Boston. I love Lund. And you can see us next week in Minneapolis at Sisyphus Brewing. The Boston of the Midwest. That's right. Yeah, come on up there. Great walkable city, Minneapolis. Jerk-off motion? No. That's what you're doing. I was not. You're doing this and you were doing the female jerk-off motion. No, I wasn't.

Twiddling my bean on the bean town. Bean town. Bean town. O-S-T-O-N. I came.. T. O. N. I came. So yeah. I'm playing my dick. Dates. Minneapolis. What is that week?

What's today? It's the 11th and 12th. The 11th and 12th. We'll be in Minneapolis. And it is the next weekend. The Thursday. The 11th and 12th. That means the 18th and 19th and 17th.

That's Thursday through Saturday. I'll be in San Francisco. But not me. Cheaper than therapy. You won't be there. I couldn't make it. The following weekend, Looney's is Thanksgiving Day weekend. I'm opening for Brian Regan.

Steven Rogers is out. Whoa, you're in? I made the move. Fuck. I said, look who I'm having to wake up to every week. Yeah, we share a room. He's like, that's slot. You gotta come work

for me. He's doing a Harry Caray for sure. Harry Caray, that's Christopher Rock. Went in Boston. Yeah. You gotta bust out the Caray. Buy tickets, samtalent.com. Hey, and also, go get on the Patreon, people. You gotta do it. Holy shit. If you like the free ones, guess what? We try a little bit harder on the Patreon.

I mean, this Corbin one I bet was really good. I bet Corbin was trying really hard. It should have been a Patreon. Yeah. That's how good it was. But please, patreon.com slash chubby behemoth. Get on over there. Do $5 a month.

Five fucking bucks. There's two years worth. Let me wet my beak. There's two years worth of episode. I want a taste. Yeah, you don't take a dime. I don't take a dime yet. Because I want the boys to be fed.

I take care of my boys. Take care of the team. You're like Pat McAfee. I'm so... Yeah, I do it for the brand, dude. Dog pound. Hell yeah. Oof, oof.

But patreon.com says show you... But seriously, folks. But for the love of fucking God. Also, everybody sign up. 7-strong.com Yeah, Chubby Behemoth on Patreon.

That's where you want to be. Do an incognito tab and check out 7-strong so that your wife doesn't know that you're getting bigger. Yeah. She's going to check that browser history. Yeah. So keep it a 7-strong secret. Yeah.

So she doesn't know you're planning on putting on 50 pounds. Oh, fuck, yeah. 7-strong.com. Use promo code Chubby for 5% off. You heard us right. 5%. Holy shit. The shirts are breathable. I'm walking around Boston. Unlike my plastic pants, man.

Oh, yeah, your pants are made of recycled plastic. It was a beautiful day, but then I started to get so sweaty. I can tell. Your boys are wet. That's why I'm pantsless. But hey, Chubby Beh made of recycled plastic. It was a beautiful day, but then I started to get so sweaty. I can tell. Your boys are wet. Oh, that's why I'm pantsless. But hey, Shubby Behemoth on Patreon. Patreon.com slash Shubby Behemoth. We love you.

Thank you very much. Bye-bye. Baco.