Chubby Behemoth - Reverse Bell Boy

Episode Date: November 11, 2024

BONUS EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   This week Sam is mad about being censored right away. Nathan got rid of the tortillas, remembers one of his favorite fight videos, and can’t believe Sam was extended the benefit of the doubt. Sam has a new mode of transportation, attempted to see Decoration Day, and may have had cum on his leg. Becker tries to remember his past birthdays for Sam. On the mainland we call it the encore. Keep your foot on the pedal.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Mutiny Coffee: [e-mail]

I was gonna do a cool beatboxing robot from the future, who was here to teach you guys about rhythm and or funk. And I ran on the cosmic groove, but no, now I have to use my normal voice and I'm fuckin' censored right away. I'm sorry. Yeah. You sound weird. How about that?

You sound weird. Do I? Yeah, are you using your microphone? Yeah. Pulls microphone into shot. Voice sounds better right? You've been outed Lund

You look stupid too Great actually look cool, and everybody knows so that's too bad for you You look like you're being interviewed about offshore gambling You guys are gonna change my voice, right? Yeah, but not to a robot thing, God forbid. I get to talk robotic, cause I can do it good. Oh, he gets to be a robot Becker? Yeah, cause I could already tell

that his sound was good before he started doing it. Okay, well cool. Hey, if you guys tuned into this, because you saw on one of my big posts, I had a viral post talking about how I had nailed a robot voice and how I couldn't wait to unleash it publicly on my own podcast. But if you're one of the three million people who click share on that, I apologize. It's not on me. Maybe move the mic just a little bit farther from your mouth.

How about this? That's better. Yeah. Okay. Cool. Okay, cool. Well, now I have to be at an uncomfortable angle too. Look at the ceiling. I know. Look at the ceiling for an hour. I didn't wanna ask. Lund, quit trying to finger your dog, all right?

I was trying to get Beanie some screen time. Now you're trying to get Beanie some digital weenie. Proof of life. By digital, I mean fingers. Proof of life that we haven't fried her up. You wouldn't need her. First you'd eat mama. Mama's much bigger.

Yeah. You know, I know how hungry you are. You're not going to have an hors d'oeuvre if you're sewed in. We were having fun yesterday because it's like, well, yeah, we got a bunch of stuff. We got options. This is great. Ate all the stuff. 12 hours. Very high all day yesterday and just kept on eating. Got rid of the tortillas, ate most of the bread. Now today it's like we've got egg noodles and

butter. Now we have a bunch of chili defrosting, but yeah, today the options are a lot, a lot, um, a lot more limited, but guess what I have? Definitely not thin. That's what I have plenty of. Snoochie boochies. Whoa. Holy cow. Who let the dogs out? Oh no. Somebody's trying to attack us or something. It's a desperate traveler. Somebody's trying to steal our snow. Hey, that's our snow. Hey. I hope it's not the abominable snowman. It's in the fence line. That's our snow. And I will defend it to the death. Yeah, we're making snow cones. Dude, it's insane. And I keep laughing at Becker trudging along first for an inhaler for his son who's dying of an asthma attack. No, for food to prevent his family from having to pick which pinky they eat first. No, no.

For a couple. Did you buy two packs of smokes? Three. Three packs of smokes and then right back. Hey, slap nuts, get a carton. What are you doing out there? They didn't have my brand. I was gonna buy a carton. What are you smoking, salems? Reds. Oh boy, you're getting horny in the snow in, huh?

I guess, I'm definitely stinking it up. Yeah, I bet it fucking reeks in there. Both your houses, I'm gonna call it stink, all right? You've been locked in. Meanwhile, I have to be in San Diego by myself. This sucks. Yeah. Yeah, we're stuck. Yeah, right.

I was in Colorado, I flew in, and I came in and I checked on Trinidad and it's not that bad. You guys are faking the moon landing down there. Oh yeah. Yeah, I'm sure you took I-25 south of Pueblo. Oh wait, it's closed, which is insane. It's been closed for like 24 hours. I think Longer is going to be a break.

Yeah, I-25. The thoroughfare, the way that Denver gets all its cool hats and shirts and skinny ties, Denver's gonna be out of hip shit in like 17 hours. It looked pretty clear when I flew over it, but I was pretty far up. I took actually the Green Goblin cruiser. I was flying around on the thing that the Green Goblin uses and I was throwing exploding pumpkins to try and break up some of the big snow flows. So yeah, Lund, you should be able to get out tomorrow. And if not, I'm going to have the vulture come get you. What?

Yeah. The vulture. Voltron? No. No. Vulture. Vulture. Am I saying it weird? No The Vulture. Voltron? No. The Vulture. Vulture. Am I saying it weird? No.

Vulture. Like just a big old bird? Here, I'll look it up on my phone. We'll see if it can... His name's the Vulture. He's like the original Spider-Man villain. Oh, okay. Vulture.

Michael Keaton played him in the Tom Holland Spider-Man movie, so people are aware of him now. But Sam knows him because he's a closeted nerd. I didn't watch those. I've been thinking about watching them. I'm not closeted in my nerddom. I'm a collector of first appearances. So as everyone knows, Vulture first appeared in what if

Volume three which was the first appearance of that's right spider-man Literally everyone knows this becker you think you're some fucking nerd arbiter guess what I got two words for you spider-man first appeared in amazing fantasy 15 wizard magazine Those are the two words I bought I the IP of Wizard Magazine, actually. Whoa, that would rule. I know, and I'm publishing it, but only 12 people get it. You know what destroyed that book?

Let me guess, hold on, hold on, Hamas. No, Seth Green hired the whole writing staff to do Robot Chicken. Oh yeah, because they did toy fair. Yeah. Yep. Hey Lund, why don't you roll up one of them doobies out of those trash bags full of ganja? Greenbeck are about to educate you. Is that hilarious?

Yeah. We have very little, but I got a bunch of weed from one of the pool ladies. You told me that she gave you a bunch of weed. I didn't know it was that much. We also have plenty of this over here. Faith. Okay, that's going to help you. Faith that we're going to be okay.

Yeah. Just keep begging this to turn into bacon. I hope Creech eats you. That's what I'm hoping for. I woke up covered in some type of dry rub and she said, oh, the dogs must have brought it in from outside. I said, there's nothing but snow out there. There's no paprika and peppercorn.

Yeah, there wasn't a flurry of brown sugar in cumin. Nice try. I know I'm stupid, but I'm not dumb. Yeah, dude. I mean, Walk me through it. What's it like down there? You guys are in the snowpocalypse. Colorado received legendary snowfall, the worst since 30 years, they said. Yeah, almost 20. Yeah, it just keeps coming. It was funny yesterday. Today it's like, oh shit.

It's like Peter North. How about that? Yeah, just ropes upon ropes. He just keeps going, don't touch it. Yeah, and it's funny to imagine Becker trudging along for two smokes and a Snickers ice cream bar and the guy's like we have like bread, we have like milk and he's like let me get a Code Red Mountain Dew and do you have any Vulture comics? Even worse when I got home I immediately door dashed Burger King. And what did that cost you?

A man's life? He's still out there. There's a guy still in your driveway. They were fine. They were in an escalade. I watched them flip a bitch and make it out. The Volvo right in front of them that was just cruising up the street got stuck so I thought I was worried that was my driver

and I did feel really bad, but they were fine. You just go up to the guy who's stuck and you knock on the window and he's like Oh gracias senor, gracias. And you're like, do you have my Arby's? Tienes mis Arby's. He goes to Riton to go to Arby's. He has to travel over the pass there and back.

It's closed, but he does it. Yeah. Because you promised to get three percent. I'll give you a good rating. I'll give you five stars, but I really want Arby's not Burger King. He shows up with Burger King. Could you get Arby's?

I'm gonna plug your little startup company on my podcast. It's pretty big. What's it called? DoorGash? DoorGash doesn't need our help, Becker. I know. I wouldn't do anything for an Arby's Euro right now. Ew, that's the worst order.

No, it's not. Their Euros are great. Come on, Becker, stick to the classics when you go to the A-frame. It's not called Arby's famous Euros. It's called Arby's bagged beef. Great. That's not what you want, though. You want the good stuff that they hide on the lower part of the menu.

No, get the bagged beef. It's covered in fish scales. The driver probably pulled over to have sex with it. Yeah. Oh yeah. There was a guy, shout out to the dude that hit me up on Instagram. He said that his old army buddy, this is earlier today I think, is stuck in a rig on I-25. And he was like, are there any, is there any Ubers that are out right now? And I was like, dude, there's not Uber ever, let alone Snowmageddon.

The snowman, the snowman's revenge. Winter's bone is rock hard right now. And it's penetrating Trinidad. There's only Uber when Becker needs a quick 12 bucks. He's the only one with the app on his phone. He fires it up from time to time. It's always surge pricing. Do they have a new flavor of koaligrams? I'm going driving. Yeah koaligrams. I just hope you guys are safe down there. I've been so worried about you guys, my god. I think I'm gonna have to climb on my roof and make sure my vent's clear,

because I've had a weird headache for like the last hour and a half. Oh, good. All right. Fantastic. So there's a gas, oh, well. He's back. Oh, gross, he's back. He's still here. Yeah, I got the thing. Megan's down loading something. Becker thought that the gas had got him in that I was the angel of death here to take

him away personally. Becker said that there's a guy, a storm chaser that got stuck here and he's been going around all day helping people get unstuck. And stuck here and he's been going around all day helping people get unstuck and it's like why are why is that an all-day job everybody should be home even a giant truck can get fucked in this you know because like becker right like you don't want too heavy or too light you don't want big tires uh in on ice you don't want big tires on ice. You don't want rear wheel drive, you want front wheel drive. What do you want? No wheel drive.

You want a ham and cheese sandwich? This is so bad you'd want four. Like not all wheel front wheel or rear wheel, you'd want four. This is bad. Not everyone's rich like you guys. Some people have to go to work. All right, guys like me,

we have to board a plane, connect in Denver, sit on the tarmac for an hour 45 while a guy next to you chews his fingernails and just spits them in front of him the whole time. It was real bad. I don't have the luxury of just shacking up with my old lady or my first crush, Marlboro Reds. Mad Fientist I think a lot of the people here who are stuck are just fucked, because the hotels are full. They've had to get off the interstate. They can't go north, they can't go south.

And they have no options. The only warming center is at the Walmart, but until like mid-day today, you really couldn't get there. I mean, you would hope that the locals and people, the community would open their doors to the people who are going to die from exposure. Yeah. You know? Yeah. You would hope that people would have some compassion

and community in this trying time. Yeah. All those people, all the, the fellow of our churches should really prove themselves this weekend. I think that the homeowners and the local business owners down there should just have an open-door policy You know what you should do Becker have a couple of guys come stay with you and they can clean your pipes

And get on your roof Yeah, yeah birthday bonanza Chain smoking and be like do you need a place to crash? Hopefully that'll drive them all away. It's my birthday That'll drive them all away. It's my birthday It's Becker's birthday blowout guys only I've got nine more smokes before I have to go back to the altar My flight was supposed to be takeoff at noon 30. It's maybe gonna take off in a half hour. Oh Sick you can still make it. I still have time. Instead Sharpie has to fucking get out his big old

fossil brush and dust off his act because he has to fill in for you. I told him I was like yeah Lunn can't make it you have to feature and he said oh good so he's not excited. It's uh well it's not a lot of time until it's been a while then it's an eternity. Since I first saw you. Then it's not a lot of time until it's been a while. Then it's an eternity. Yeah, since I first saw you. Then it's called, 25 minutes is called The Gauntlet and not all men survive. He was like, I might have to do old stuff. I was like, no one cares.

No one's seeing your old stuff. Do Daddy Does Both, do What'd You Shoot, Heroin. I mean, do all the hits. Oh yeah. Do all 53 of your characters you do. I mean do all the hits. Oh, yeah. Do all 53 of your characters you do. It's going to be great. His wife's body, that new bit that rules. Easy, Becker. They're married. No, the bit he does, not her actual body. I've never met her.

Man, Becker just screen shared. It's just a bunch of tabs of Sharpie's wife. When she was young. God, you've only been- When she was young. Yeah, Becker. Let's put a couple more slips in that slide, you know what I mean? Uh-oh, I got pretty close to the edge on that one. Yeah, I've got two different United lounges of belly inside of me. I just pounded a burrito when I got here.

I think I had come on my leg when I went to get my burrito. My driver was really excited to see me. No, it was my own. My own load, I believe, was on my ankle because I couldn't find it. I knew that there was a big gush. Yeah. So that- And I was gonna make fun of you, but that is the thing. Where did the load go? Donde estas mis load? It's not where you think it is.

And then it's not the other place that it sometimes goes. So then it's just like, anyone's guess. Yeah, I had a terrible travel day. I got to the room. I actually got to the hotel, ordered a burrito, came up, abused myself, and then they called me and were like, your burrito's ready. I said, all right.

Slide it under the door. Yeah. Send up a bell boy, preferably one who's blind. I'm just standing there nude. He's like, I'm not blind. Well, whose fault is that? I put it in the special instructions. I needed a blind bellboy.

Talk to your boss. Talk to HR. This is not on me. The load is on me. You're not supposed to know that. Me sighted compadre. Tienes ojos. Que trabajo. Que trabajan. They work. Oh shit. Yeah. So that's been my day. Today sucks. I wish you were here, Lon. We would be splitting a bed. We'd be splitting a bed. Yeah. Turns out Turner didn't get two beds. So that's... Oh, weird.

He's earning his money. He knew about the storm. I told him. I have to tell him everything. I told him it was Becker's birthday. You're supposed to be expecting a edible arrangement soon, Becker. Whoa. The guy shows up bloodied. Don't worry. That would be huge. It's not my blood.

A lot of people wanted this thing and I said, unless you're Becker, unless it's your birthday, this is not going into your mouth unless I'm dead. I put special instructions in there, Becker, that he used to show up on your porch nude. It's a reverse bell boy, as we call it in business. So if you want to get in his head maybe you're nude too. Also he's supposed to be pretty tall so he can get up on your roof and clear your pipe for you. Good. I don't know what I'm going to do. Die in your house. Die. Open a window. I know you love the smoke.

Well the house doesn't seal up as it is so I have to run the heat like 24 hours a day when it's this bad. They're like, the sheriff shows up and finds your dead body and he's like, ugh, smells like a bunch of guys were over here smoking before they did it. There must have been at least six guys in here. They were here for a while. Look at all these sig butts. There's no lipstick on any of them. Makes sense. There's 144 Twinkie wrappers.

What is that, a gross? That's literally a gross, right? 144? 144. It's like the only eyewitness was a nude delivery man. The storm only lasted two and a half days. So a lot of these were from before the snow. Yeah, they dust for prints.

I'm so sad there's no delivery today. I want anything as my birthday meal other than soup, and all I have in the house is soup. Well, Lun's going to bring you something over. He really cares about you. He's going to bring me like part of mama. Mama will pull me on a sled and we'll both show up exhausted. It's two tenths of a mile, but she'll be sledding uphill.

I bet it's a 30 minute walk right now. It's fucking. For Lund, everywhere's a 30 minute walk. Check the mail, dude. See you in 30, toots. I shoveled my side pathway and I was like, this sucks. I'm going back inside. It's supposed to be sunny tomorrow, so this could all be on its way out soon, but my God, it's been a wild ride. What time's your new flight? I'm supposed to... The boarding process is about to begin.

You didn't cancel your flight? No. Oh, why? Get your money back. What are you flying on? Frontier. It's non-refundable. Oh, yeah. You're fucked. I ate it. Damn. Damn. This was a big weekend too. You were going to get your Christmas bonus. But it has to be in person. Yeah, it has to be in person. You were going to get your Diwali bonus. That's actually the name of a guy who started a black community in Trinidad. He moved down there and brought a bunch of the black community from Denver to Trinidad. His name was Diwali. He threw a couple of festivals that were poorly attended.

Diwali Diwalis. He called me insanely early to tell me happy birthday. That's cool. It infuriated me. No, it infuriated me. I woke up dumb early knowing I don't have a job and the whole town's closed due to snow. I was like, it's 8.30. What if I checked on Becker on his birthday?

That would be a good way to start his day is wake him up early with nothing to do. Maybe he thought it was a different time zone in Trinidad. He forgot. He thought we were like Arizona. We don't fall for that. You know who wouldn't have called you early? Diwali. Oh boy. Well, so it is Becker's birthday and I was hoping that Becker, could we do,

what's your earliest birthday memory? Think back, get through the fog. My earliest birthday memory. Three years old, you the fog. My early memory. Three years old, you're sitting in a milk bucket. Well, my earliest memory is around like three or four. I remember playing with smoke in the big bay windows at my parents' house. Cause I'd run along the back of the couch and play with like the beams of smoke and the light. So I'm sure I was high as fuck. Like a cat. Yeah. And then I remember the day my little sister was born is like the first

day I remember clearly. What smoke were you playing with? Marijuana smoke. He was up in smoke. So you're... It'd be like swirling in the light because we had big giant windows in the house I grew up. It was like an 800 square foot house and half the house was glass. And it ruled.

Blown glass. They lived in a bong. It was a tiny little fucking home. I think it's smaller than my place. But the whole front wall in the living room was glass. Becker used to bathe in a big bubbler. My parents would be smoking their ass off. And it was just a constant channel of that thick, wafty smoke in the living room. It was all brick weed back then, so it was real dense smoke. Oh, it was yellow smoke from a plastic bong. No, they were all smoking joints, but it was that fucking grody ditch weed.

It was what? What year was that? 1990? 1991. Yeah. So your parents were probably listening to early bootlegs of Sugar Ray. This was his mom. My dad was listening to early hip hop and then later New Jack Swing, which is hysterical to me now. My mom almost exclusively listened to old Motown when she was high. Yeah, you're three years old, you're scraping a pipe, it's your first motor skills, Motown Phillies back again, is blasting through the 8-track flare.

It was a couple years later. Your dad is kneeling on a parole jumper's neck in the other room. It's my son's birthday. We're going to give him a show. Yeah. But I think my fourth or fifth birthday, I got all of the four Ninja Turtles, and that was a huge one. And then my fifth birthday, they started me on Jiu Jitsu.

So I think that might have been the same year. Okay. So your fifth birthday, you're inspired by your fourth birthday, your whole year you thought you were just a turtle, but then they're like, no, there's actually a karate element. They put you in Jiu-Jitsu because it was at the synagogue and your hair matched the rest of the people there. You got in free.

Well, they put me in, my parents went like bankrupt two weeks after I was born. So they were broke when I was a kid Damn, what did you do off all their debts? My dad's business partner robbed him so they're trying to pay off all the No, they just like stole all the money out of the business and left a growing star a new Chaco Look big Becker, I'm gonna wallop you with this thing But yes Rose I was into, look, big Becker, I'm going to wallop you with this thing. But yeah, so I was into the turtles bad and I just didn't have the toys because my mom didn't want to spend $20 on toys that she thought I'd grow out of because she didn't

know I was a fried spy. So instead of giving you the toys, your dad painted his body green and your mom put on a yellow jumpsuit and said, April O'Neil's here. Exactly. You were like, no, you're mom. And then your dad karate chopped you and you slept for an entire year. But in that time, in that time, they caught Timothy McVeigh and they were the ones to find him. It was crazy that they posted his bail for him though. That seems a little risky. God, that was a huge bail. I remember them

hoping that somebody would call them. They would have bailed out McVeigh. They'd bail out anybody if it was a $2 million bail. That's $200,000 cash you keep up front forever. Like, doesn't matter if they go to court or not. You made $200 grand today. Yeah, but Becker, then Timothy McVeigh is on the streets to build little more tiny chair memorials in Oklahoma City. Yeah. Yeah, you know his next court date. to build little more tiny chair memorials in Oklahoma City. Yeah. Yeah, you don't care. Roll his next court date.

Everyone's green on the inside. He promises to be a good boy. Yeah. Yeah. He just wanted to hug his mama. If he does something really bad, then he's the cops' problem, not ours. Okay, so that's your sixth birthday you're in Jiu-Jitsu. Seventh birthday, what's going on?

I don't remember. It's 1996, it's Colorado Springs, the Atlanta Olympics just happened. Yeah, the bombing. Okay, yeah the bombing. I remember the bombing really clearly for some reason. That sticks in my brain, the guy on the bench, the whole thing. Well yeah, it was probably your first big news blast. I had the Menendez brothers and OJ Simpson.

I remember OJ too, but I don't remember the details like I remember being scared about the bomber I wasn't scared about OJ London his senior project on the OJ Simpson trial My big one was Heaven's Gate Whoa, yeah. Oh shit. My dad wants their shoes really bad black on black Cortez's or were those vandals? I think they were vandals? I think they were vandals I think they were Cortez's my dad whenever there would be a big sleepover It'd be like I'd be like seven or eight a bunch of guys sleeping in the same room My dad would come in and be like well looks like heavens gate in here

And no one would get it and my mom would say David inappropriate Did the compete to aol and then you would find out about it together. Right. So, seventh birthday, you were reeling from the Atlanta city bombing. You suppressed your memories. The Atlanta bombing replaced your memory of your birthday. That's fine. My birthday was like this a lot, especially in the 90s when we used to get weather.

You were hiding from your dad hitting you. There was a lot of bad weather and then, yeah, an angry man inside of the house. So that was cool. Terry Nichols got away. Nichols flipped on McVeigh. God damn it. Then I don't really remember any till. Hold on. We're going year by year.

Okay. So eighth birthday. What's going on? It's 1997. It was the hottest winter on record in Colorado. I think my parents' business was starting to do a lot better. They had paid everything off. So that was like a good year.

That's when we started to have things again. You got what you wanted. one tire for a 69 Dodge Yeah Again he still had the 55 Bel Air Whoa a Chevelle don't let Lund hear that. Oh, yeah, he's gonna ask if it was vinyl or CD I'm thinking about selling my car for a Chevelle and whoa you know I'd be riding shotgun Fuck yeah with a shotgun. Yeah, be shooting shooting at people No, I'm trying to find the ad

We don't have one this week. Oh Is this a free one but that was last week it should probably Really, I did Diwali though. Oh yeah. Well, let's have this be the Patreon. We can do one tomorrow that's free. There's no ads. So the timing of it's not bad.

I'm just fucked Sunday. So I can't record or edit really on Sunday. I think that we're going to go on Sunday. I have to be at the airport at fucking 5. PM? No. We have plenty of time. AM. We fly out at 6. You guys fly out at 6 to come where? To Key West? To Key West. I'll be receiving you guys there. I'm staying in San Diego on Sunday to watch football and not go outside. Take that good weather. I'm out of here.

You're going to have the fish tacos delivered. Yeah. Guess what? The bellboy better be nude. It's Sunday. I didn't order any mushrooms in my taco and then the guy just links at me and then I shut the door. Going gay on Sunday. Hell yeah. Oh no. Don't growl one into the sheet. You're going to do it. Limit edition beekeeper Sam Talentsie everybody. This is Emily's hat. I grabbed it at a stupor this morning. It doesn't fit at all.

I'm supposed to wear it in QS. She's pissed. She said, did you take my hat? I'm like, how did you know that the hats were up there? None of it makes sense. You just grabbed just pod at a pile of floppy hats and got the wrong one. Yeah. Well, why does she have a sun hat? She has sunscreen. I have the hat. Yeah, but she's got very white skin.

She's probably just on top of it and she's very conscious of not getting cancer. Have you been talking to my wife? No, we went on vacation in the key and sun. You sexualized Sharpie's wife and now you're talking about how creamy and luscious my wife's skin is? No, I'm just saying your wife's definitely more alabaster

than the rest of us. Ninth birthday. Ha ha ha ha ha ha birthday. Take us there. Ninth birthday. I don't remember anything in particular. Pizza party, go-karts, batting cages. I think my 11th birthday, my buddy Geik took me to see the opening night of 8 Mile,

and we had to pay an adult to take us in because the guy at the ticket booth was a dick about it. Dude, that dead lady was so hot in that when they bang on the pile of tires or whatever it is. Yeah. She was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was rocking.

It's crazy they let Eminem act in his own movie. That's how powerful he was. Yeah. He's like, you know what, fam? I want to finger Brittany Murphy while she's still alive. And they're like, what do you mean by that? He's like, just shut up and roll tape. You'll see.

You'll all see. Eight Mile in the theater. Turns out Six Mile in Woodward is the scary one. Eight Mile, not that bad. Got cleaned up. Yeah. Yeah, got eradicated by Mayor Dugan. He came in with his steam rollers and just flattened the place.

Is that right? Really? No. Dugan. So, Becker. The ex-Jim Dugan. So, 11th birthday, you're at Eight Mile with your friend Dyke. Gyke. You got, what is it? Gyke. Gyke. Oh, mine was wrong 8 Mile with your friend Dyke. What is it?

Gike. Oh, mine was wrong. Gike is a real name? It's actually pronounced geek, but his fucking family gets real sensitive about it and lies to everyone and says it's Gike. What's his name? Mike Gike? That's his dad's name. Don Ike. Jesus Christ.

His name's Dac Gike. You and fucking Don Imus are watching Eminem. He's pissed. He's picking a scab the whole time. He loved it. We were there doing the thing together. It was a midnight showing? It had to have been.

Cause it- No, it might've been a Friday. It was probably just a regular late night showing Okay. Well, i'm gonna go to the calendar and see If your birthday was on a thursday or a friday to find out if you're lying or not if it was on a thursday that year When eight mile came out then we saw it on a thursday night Damn, well, I wasn't actually gonna go to the calendar You got me Your fun still playing porn no No, no, no.

I didn't use porn. You just opened your window and heard the sounds of the city. Yeah, seagulls get me horny. I'm going to make Sharpie sleep in this room. After teen skateboarding. Dude, I'm supposed to go have dinner with a bunch of cool skateboarders at 6, and I'm nervous. This guy, Van Eggers, who I'm doing that comic book with, he's a skateboard artist

and skateboarder, and he brought a bunch of really cool skateboarders to the show tonight. I'm supposed to go, I don't know, give them a private showing at 6 before the show, and I'm supposed to go give them a private showing at six before the show and I'm scared. Private showing of your body? Yeah, we're doing the bellboy trick. They're going to skate you like a pool? Yeah. Dude, I want to move. They're going to grind my belly button. Get us some free shoes. I think it's Chad Muska and Tony Hawk and Jeff Rowley. I think Jim Vilelli is gonna beat you up and four other dudes. That was the hardest. I just thought somebody would talk about that.

Oh, it was an old, you know, Diego Lopez does that, no violence on Twitter, breaks down videos of people fighting and he commented on the Mike Vilelli video. That was like the biggest video of all time in 98 or whatever. Yeah, Becker saw it at the premiere on his birthday, his 12th birthday. Yeah, no, I remember that video. Isn't he wearing a misfit shirt? Doesn't he have a misfit skull shirt on? He takes his shirt off pretty quick. I think they called him a skater bleep and he took his shirt off. A skater boy. He said, see you later boys. They called him Avril and then he threatens to fight all four or five of them

and then shoves two and then hits a third, it rules and it's like over. Yeah. It was crazy. Yeah. He was a hero for guys like me, straight edge kids. That's why I got straight edge though, because I didn't want my Vilelli to beat me up. He was straight edge?

No, of course not. I took in anything I could as early as they would feed it to me. What about Vilelli? Was he... I assume so. He was a bald white guy who did bonelesses. I feel like that kickass tape was more impressive than his part in jump off a building or whatever it was. No, I don't want to besmirch Vollelli. He might be there tonight. I was hoping for like ice dogs. I think Spanky Long and Brian Herman are coming.

Also, allegedly they're shooting a Detroiters three. What? Really? Yeah, and I can be a local hire. Holy shit. Whoa. I know. So I'm going to be Sam. Yeah, they're going to get rid of other Sam. They're getting rid of Sam and I'm going to do it all with some creative makeup. They want it to be wider.

We like Detroiters. Gummy Central was like, could you make it wider? They were like, yeah, we can make it wider. You said with wider, right? With a D? Then they hired me. This guy's like two people. Yeah, I hope that I can do Detroiters.

I hope that I can do Detroiters. I hope that I can do Detroiters. I hope that I can do Detroiters. I hope that I can do Detroiters. I hope that I can do Detroiters. I hope that I can do Detroiters. I hope that I can do Detroiters. I hope that I can do Detroiters.

I hope that I can do Detroiters. I hope that I can do Detroiters. I hope that I can do Detroiters. I hope that I can do Detroiters. I hope that I can do Detroiters. I hope that I can do Detroiters. I hope that I can do Detroiters. I hope that I can do it wider. You said with wider, right? With a D? Then they hire me. This guy's like, too people. Yeah, I hope that I can do Detroiters 3 if it actually happens. It's a little rumor going around the city. Whoa, that would rule.

That show was fucking amazing. I'm going to say get Becker in it. Yeah, Detroiters rules because I've been to all the places now. That science museum where they get the ad and then they blow it. Yeah. Yeah. They aren't science museum. They aren't Michigan Science Center material for sure. That place is like, dude, the Denver or sorry, the Detroit Institute of Art is so fucking cool. Yeah. It was the richest city in the world till fucking Nader put his dick in the pudding. Nader, huh? What birthday was that where your dad said that? That's my dad.

Putting a cigarette on his hand. This is me. This is easy shit to like study and figure out. Ralph Nader should be held accountable for the state of Detroit and he's not because back then it wasn't how news operated. But it was a state though. He, yeah, he ran consumer reports and that was his job. And he started to notice that people were dying less in luxury cars that had headrests

and seat belts. And so he did a report on that and had to testify in front of Congress and he liked the fucking fame. And then he started making up shit about car safety for about nine years. He just kept turning in reports that were filled with fucking lies back a real quick Is there an interesting part of this story? Yeah? The government was so scared about the seat belt thing and how that broke out in public that they were enacting safety laws Quickly based on his papers and it demolished the fucking structure of business in Detroit

And it was worse because they were trying to work around problems that didn't exist because they were lies. And it cost them billions of dollars and the exponential money forever. It fucking sank them. And he did it on purpose because he wanted a career in front of people. And this was in 1965? Yeah. Fucking Nader.

I knew there was something wrong with the Green party and it wasn't just Jill Stein's lack of huge ones. Yeah, Nader's a piece of shit. One of the best videos of him is he tried to get seatbelts mandatory for motorcycles and there's a video of this big Hell's Angel walking up after he puts on a seatbelt and pushing him over and getting him trapped under the bike. And then the hell's angel just goes, that's why we don't wear seat belts, dip shit and walks off. And that was your 14th birthday.

Kicked Nader in the teeth. I wish I'd beat his old ass right now if I could. I'd beat his old ass right now. You know what? If we could do a Jake Paul Tyson of you and Nader I Got I gotta try and get a hold of the Paul brothers and see if we can do an undercard Becker Nader live. I'm in I would kick his head off Nader it's on site. You better watch out. If you see Becker coming, you better fucking hop in an electric vehicle and ride away.

I would fuck that guy. I hate him so much. He's why cars suck. Well, the city of Detroit has bounced back. No, it hasn't. Their main theater was covered in gold. Yeah, I know. And then they did a great gold giveaway,

and it was pretty cool. Everybody gets gold. And a bunch of people got really cool teeth accessories show up gold up The pictures of people performing in that what's what's the main theater downtown called the majestic? Yeah, the old fucking pictures of that in the 60s are insane It looks like it's been doctored if that's the theater you're talking about that's very funny because that's where ICP has their If that's the theater you're talking about that's very funny because that's where ICP has their hallowick it situation now Oh, I think it's a complete shithole now and like the two or it's not be smirk ICP Well, they'd know they turned like two-thirds of the building into a parking area. I think Huh, maybe it's a different theater. No. No, you could be right

But yeah, you did a bunch of theater renovations on your 15th birthday. No, I just care about Detroit because that's where everything I care about came from. Well, you've never visited me and I'm all you care about and I live there. Yeah, you've barely been there. Yeah, you're telling me. I saw, okay, you want to hear Sam T's dumbass move of the week? Actually, maybe dumbass move of the last six months. Oh.

Cause I made this initial purchase on July 21st. I just checked it out. For my birthday. Yeah. So, hold real quick. Let's go to Lun's birthdays from start to finish. No, so I like a rock band called the Drive-By Truckers. No, so I like a rock band called the Drive-By Truckers. I like them.

And my favorite album, because I don't come from the album era, I come from the era of Limewire where you just got every song that there was and you thought that every Gold Finger song was by Melon, Colin and vice versa. So they have an album called Decoration Day. There's a song called Outfit on there that makes me cry whenever I hear it. I think it's my favorite album, Start to Finish, all rock genres.

Obviously Macy Gray doesn't count. No Fuji stuff is in there. But yeah, as far as like rock and roll, I think that, I mean, mean Erica Badu doesn't count Tracy Chapman not in the list But obviously all those albums rule Lauren Hill, of course, that's probably number one if you ask me rock and roll but Mm-hmm roll and rock. I

Got tens. I got 20s. I got 50 rocks That was fam-lay. Anyway, so I love this album, Decoration Day, and I see that they're coming to Detroit to play my favorite album from start to finish. And it's going to be at St. Andrew's Theater. We're going to be there. So I tell Emmy, hey, I'm getting tickets. We're going to see drive by truckers. They're playing decoration day all the way from start to finish. It's their Southern rock opera revisited tour. So I'm stoked on it. We get four tickets. It rolls around. It's election day. I vote. I do all the cool stuff you're supposed to. My friend Munder comes to town, we take him to Nicky's Pizza and then we went to the Detroit Institute

of Art. We had a big Detroit day, it was beautiful. And then we're going to St. Andrew's Hall that night to see my favorite album. So we invite my mother-in-law and her husband Jim, we get down there to see Southern rock. What's Munder doing? Munder's already gone. No, Munder was had a layover for four hours. I met him in Scotland. He's a cool guy. He's a Key West adjacent dude. Okay. So anyway, we get in there for the Southern Rock Opera Revisited and we're standing on concrete.

We get there at seven, of course, because doors are at seven. I mean, I'm a fucking psycho. So we're in there standing on concrete for an hour and a half until the show starts at 830. And the first song is not the first song of Decoration Day. But I'm like, oh, cool. They're playing some other stuff, too. Emily's like, rock and roll.

I kept going, rock and roll. There was a guy behind me yelling, crank it up homos. So that guy rocked. It's election night. Drive-by truckers are from Alabama and Athens and they're like, we're not the southern men you're used to. We're progressive and they're talking about how much turmoil the country's going through

and hopefully we're gonna have a good result tomorrow. All we have is hope. There's a bunch of dudes from Michigan who like Southern Rock who are like whispering swears under their breath and slurs and stuff. Like they're not, the room is divided, much like this great country of ours. So then they keep playing the songs.

Well, that's not off of decoration day. Interesting, okay. I pull out my phone and I look, and I notice that the ticket has the album cover for an album that's not Decoration Day. But I can't remember the name of that album, but I'm like, well, surely I can't be wrong. They're going to be playing Decoration Day, start to finish. Suze and Jim leave about an hour and 20 minutes in. They're playing all these songs. I'm like pretending to sing along because Emily keeps asking me, do you know this song? This song's not on the record because we listened to the record like for the two days before, you know, getting ready. We're

singing along. We're blaring it. They go into their, you know, they take their bow and then they come back out and I'm like, okay, it's been a two hour show. Now is the time. Here comes the 50 minute rock opera decoration day. They're going to play an hour and six minutes on the album worth of songs in their, what's it called when you come out and take a bow and then come back? Encore. Oh yeah, we call it the Honahe in Hawaii,

but yes, on the mainland, the encore. Nope, they start playing Almond Brothers tunes. Emily's like, they're not gonna play the songs. I say, all right, so we leave, we go across the street, we order wings. And that's when I remember that their other big album was called Southern Rock Opera Revisited. So I had bought tickets for a show, for a band that doesn't even have Jason Isbell at

anymore and they didn't play one of the fucking songs I wanted to hear. I'm mad the whole time. And then I realized that I was the one who was stupid the whole time. Do I tell my wife, of course not. No. Because as soon as we get out of that show, it's like 1 a.m. in Detroit, which means election results are coming in. Emmy's, you know, we hadn't been looking at our phones in the show.

We don't know what's going on. Apparently, you know, Emmy's upset. She's giving me election facts. I'm sitting over there thinking, how fucking stupid am I? But I have to keep lying to my wife because I can't give her the satisfaction of knowing that I'm the dumbest man alive. So she's sitting there stewing in her like fear of, you know, America changing and the red wave.

I'm over there being like, how can I put a bow on this? Because she keeps asking me, it really sucks they didn't play one song off the album. They were supposed to play the whole album. And I'm like, you got that right, Toots. They sure were supposed to play that whole album I've been making listen to for two days and crying intermittently and telling you, this one's about his dad. This song's about his sister's birthday. She's like getting on board. So yeah, I really blew it and my wife thinks

that we've been cheated and I'm just going to let her keep thinking that. She's mad at Live Nation. She's mad at the majestic. Yeah, she's been tweeting at Patterson Hood, you know, being like, you lied to my husband. That's all he wanted. He doesn't ask for much. He's too busy giving. Yeah. So, yeah, that sucked.

I was disappointed by that. Not even a single song off of it. Not, no, because they were playing the entire album that they promised to be playing to people Which was also the logo from the flyer and the name of the tour was Southern Rock Opera Revisited And for some reason I was like that's they're gonna be playing a different album from start to finish and Yeah Cuz you cuz that's the one you like

That's the one I like so surely they going to tour the country and Europe playing the one that I like. And I kept telling her, I was like, maybe they're not playing any Jason Isbell songs because they had a bad breakup. That was my idea about it. But no, they just were playing the album they promised that everyone bought tickets to see. I hit up Dave Stone and was like, hey, can you tell me what's going on? Because he's friends with those guys. He didn't respond.

He didn't understand the message. He figured your phone was stolen and they're just trying to figure out some of your passwords. What the fuck? Yeah. Yeah. So my election day was very bad, but not for the reasons that most people's was. You were confused and disappointed because of a whole other thing. Yeah.

She was like, how disappointed are you on a scale of one to 10? I was like, I don't know, six. They didn't play one of the songs. I'm surprised. As soon as Jim bailed they were like this sucks. I was like no it doesn't. They're gonna play four hours. This is all opener stuff. I'm surprised that Emily figures that the mistake is on their end.

She's known you a long time. Yeah, well she trusts me. Yeah. It's so dumb. She is giving you the benefit of the doubt, which she never does. Because she thinks it's just the name of the album. So he knew it was promised at some point.

I've never received the benefit of that at once from my wife. Except for now. And if I was to tell her that the one time I received it, no, I was in fact stupid as hell and blew it, it would be, I mean, I'm about to buy some fucking Amish furniture because that's what she wants, you know? The barn or what?

No, for our home. They do like a quick A-frame barn. I thought you needed a new greenhouse or something. No, we have a greenhouse. I thought you wanted a bigger one, I don't know. Well, I need a taller building to hang myself from after this drive-by trucker's fiasco. So happy birthday, Becker. Thank you. Mac Daddy is in fact stupid.

Forgot it was Mac Daddy. Yeah. Yeah. I've looked at that a few times. Official title. I almost went with Foreman at the blowjob factory Thank you should have gone with birthday girl. Oh That would have been good birthday prince God God damn it I Laughed inappropriately Recently one kind of started to tell you about it But at the hospital they took a bunch of blood from me and then I made it almost out of the hospital and collapsed. How much blood did they take?

Gallons? Like six vials. Oh my God. Not a little bit, but not a ton. That's enough to get the whole rainbow gathering high. Yeah. When I came to, she was asking me the questions, you know, what year is it, what's your name? And then when she asked me who the president was, I just started to

like really dumbly giggle because I was in a fuzz. And all I could think of was, don't say you. All I could think of was one's bit. And I was giggling so hard. And then I had to clear it up with her later. And she was like, Oh, okay, yeah, that was a little weird when you started giggling. When you came out of it and said, I'm the Joker. No, just because I was like, Jacob Becker, 2024 and then who's the president? I was like, Biden. So I'm sure I sounded like a nut. You were like, Biden, kind of, but what's the deep state really doing behind closed doors? No one knows.

I think that's why she didn't question the fact that I was like weirdly giggling and then had the right answer still. I think I came across like a nut job at first. Jesus Becker. Yeah, they acted like it wasn't a big deal, but they also checked the living shit out of me. Like they were worried about me dying later and getting a lawsuit. So I don't know. They didn't find a tracking device on you, did they? No.

They have not found your tracking device. First of all, let's not point fingers. There's four pointing back at you. And two, for insurance purposes, we may have had a bug implanted in you, yes. It's better for us to know where you are, I think, is the takeaway from this whole thing. We care about you, is the message that you should receive. Not, where is it? I'd be okay with that. Not, did I eat it or not because you

didn't need it didn't need it whoa I'm not gonna say if it's on you or in you so don't bother feeling around have they have they gotten to the bottom to your mysterious ailment no could it be They want more blood before they can say anything. They want a lot more blood. They checked for HIV. It's not HIV. Is it feline HIV? I don't know if they've checked for that, but...

Yeah, they got to check you for all this stuff. This last round of blood, they were checking for everything. I was with the rheumatologist and then I'm waiting to hear back from him. After that, I'll probably see the endocrinologist, I think is what they're called. Now, is there a chance that you're faking it? Could that be it? Yes, I just get up every morning and shave new bald spots into my face and I've purposely lost 95 pounds even though the only thing I enjoy is food.

Yes, we all feel really bad for you. You've lost 95 pounds. Yeah. I would be two, 15. I'd be so hot. I would look so cool. You guys couldn't tell me nothing. Maybe you should make out with Becker and share needles.

Something. I don't know how I'd give it to you, but I wish I could share, I guess. It's not fun though. No, it sounds. Yeah. Well, I mean, you get to hang out in your house and smoke cigs all day. It sounds pretty good. Yeah, it's great.

It's not bad. You're going to Key West. You better not pass out down there. Cause there's sharks. I'm going to have to keep it together. There's no hospitals down there. The hospitals on all the retirees. I know that's 10. Yeah, no, I'm thinking that's Tampa Bay Hospital. Oh,

yeah. And then we're going to Tampa, which is still in ruins. Are you going to Tampa with us? Yes, you told me to I bought the ticket to Tampa with you. Oh, okay, cool. Come to Tampa. We'll have fun. Lund's not coming to Tampa, so we can't boss this around. Yeah. Mask up. You better mask up Tampa. Did you get, did you get our tickets home from Tampa yet? Uh, I, I got some people's tickets home from Tampa, namely the people who I remembered were going to Tampa. You literally told me not to buy the ticket that you would. Okay.

Wait, wait, wait. What ticket am I supposed to buy you? The one home from Tampa. Okay. And we're talking about what time we'd leave. Oh, yeah, yeah. I have you here. Yeah. Jacob Becker, birthday, November 5th. Wait, that's not your birthday?

Nope. Yeah, yeah, we're leaving late from Tampa. Yeah, I thought so. So you can watch football all day. Yeah, and I can edit and post. That's gonna rule. Yeah, you and Pat can just sync up in your pods and edit and post.

Yeah. Yeah, that'll be good. Yeah. Tam Lund, I wish you were coming to Tampa. Becker has to be the Lund roll for this wide world. So I spent a bunch of money on a fat suit. Oogie boogie paint. Take Oogie Boogie's suit and then paint it like pinkish yellow.

Flesh colored Oogie Boogie. What a nightmare. Looks kind of green. The Spider-Man would not have enjoyed if Oogie Boogie was pink. Patrick Star. Oh yeah, that's versatile. You could be all kinds of stuff. You don't just have to be Oogie Boogie in that thing. I could be Lund.

Yeah. Put a hat on it. Yeah. Whoa, it's Lund. I start hitting the Oogie Boogie dance. Like, uh-oh, uh-oh, Lund. Yeah, Becker, there's been a wave of shark attacks in Key West, so. Whoa.

Yeah. Don't eat it. That's why Lund couldn't come. I'm just glad that last hurricane headed to the Gulf. I was worried about us for a minute. Just don't eat anything on the jet skis and you'll be okay. Yeah, we're doing a bunch of cool stuff. Don't eat anything on the jet skis and you'll be okay Yeah, we're doing a bunch of cool stuff

Bobcat Goldthwait and Joe List are gonna be there nice. Yeah Yeah, it's gonna be fun. I'm excited to be somewhere warm a lot Becker I was thinking that maybe you give me a haircut on the beach at sundown for some reason I've had this image in my head of a beautiful scene where I'm seated on a barber's chair with the cape on and you're just cutting my hair as the sun goes down over the water. If you want me to, I genuinely have no idea what I would be doing, but I could do it.

He wears hats. Sam's a, he wears hats all the time. Yeah, but I'm gonna get out of the hack game no yeah to cover that up you need to have my hair is cool right now I look like huge huge Jack man God it's crazy you it seemed like you hated when your hair grew it grew at all and so for it to be this long now I'm surprised you like it. Do you think I hated it or do you think my wife hated it?

It seemed like you were big on getting regular haircuts that it was a you thing because you would do it on the road instead of letting it ride. It was for the bit. No, I would get... When you met me, I was Bushwick Bill. I had huge hair when you met me. It was hanging down to your butt. Yeah, yeah, you were. It was hard because you didn't have one.

You were wild and free. Yeah, but now, man, I gotta be this buttoned down corporate Sam, the new face of Detroiters 3. The not black face of Detroiters 3. That's what they're putting on the billboards. In Detroit, I'm ruined. Have I told you guys about this billboard that makes me almost crash my car whenever I see it? And it's another indictment of how smart I am. It's more proof of how dumb I actually am.

I haven't heard about it. What is it? There's a billboard that says Michigan's Big Truck Lawyer. And whenever I think about it, I think of a truck pulling up to court and being like, your honor. Any closing statements? The defense rests. Yeah. It makes me think that a truck went to law school and is now representing clients. Have you been hit by a truck? Well, I can tell you. It wasn't me. As a big truck, I'm fighting to erase the stigma that all big trucks are dangerous. I will keep you and your family safe

in and out of the courtroom. You drive him there. Yeah. The whole time you're driving him, he's like, oh, oh, oh. And you's like, uh, uh, uh. And you're like, what, what's going on? He's like, nothing, just keep your foot on the pedal. Are you getting off on the fact that I'm driving you?

Do you want to go to jail or not? Now shift to third and look me in the eye. You have to look in the rear view mirror as you like toggle the knob. It comes and just a bunch of concrete comes out of the back of it, wet concrete. Lun, do you have to get Becker a birthday cake. I'm not getting him shit.

I told him- Come on. He's dying. Listen, when he said he was going to trudge in the snow to Alta, I said, hey, I've got a bunch of sesh. I got nicotine MGs for you. He can't smoke nicotine patches. I know, but I thought I could save him an hour and a half or whatever, then he didn't come.

I told Megan I would have shoveled my way to try to meet him at some point, cut down on his doubling back, but he didn't hit me up. He went to the altar. It gave me the courage to go to the altar though, because I was so afraid they were closed. I knew if I walked down there and they were closed and I wasn't going to get nicotine that I was just going to lay in the road and wait for a plow. Yeah, wait for that big truck lawyer to come. Yeah. Well, Becker, we'll get you a big cake down there. I have to go have dinner with Dogtown

and the Z-Boards. I'll report back from that. Thank you for talking with me, guys. Yeah, I'll see you soon. Bye. Hey, everybody. Please join the Chubby Behemoth Patreon at patreon.com slash chubby behemoth. Help Becker keep a roof over his head and let Sam buy a wig to make Becker wear. Also come see Sam in Lund. In, that's right, Key West, Florida Florida this Tuesday Wednesday and throughout the weekend with Joe list

Tampa Bay not even Tampa Bay Tampa at side splitters the following weekend the 21st the 23rd and then Denver get those tickets we might add a Sunday show get your tickets for ComedyWorks Thanksgiving weekend Springfield, Missouri Dallas and the improv in Milwaukee sam talent comm. Thanks guys