Chubby Behemoth - RIP Joey

Episode Date: February 7, 2022

OTC Dr. Pepper. More Pepperoni On My Omelet. Globe-Shaped Trotters.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

get in here get in here on time i'm here i just hate when you guys get together and you guys gossip without me because i like to be part of stuff i was doing becker's podcast becker and the boys you're the boys because you're technically two people he has different boys on yeah right who are becker's boys leonardo michelangelo donatello yeah not rafael because he's mostly rafael no you're you're scared of rafael because he has all that raw sexuality rafael you want to grab that quick yeah he had a rafael ready to go i've been reading it i've wanted that book since i was like eight just got it a little while ago you like that rafael has a sigh because you have three holes and you think that he can fill you all at once. Yeah,

dude. Cool little forks. He's the turtle that gets you airtight. Oh, Becker. Becker right away. Airtight turtle. Yeah.

Well, that's what everyone forgets. Like Michelangelo was a party dude. You know, Leonardo was the leader. And then Raph was a party dude uh you know leonardo was the leader and then raf was a violent sex criminal that's why april o'neill didn't come back for turtles too yeah yeah because holding her down and being like i want some toppings on your pizza poor judith hogue yeah dude jesus knows her name uh why what have you been up for the last few hours because you make it sound like i'm such a piece of shit i can't record at 11

so what have you done with your day right already today yeah do you really want me to say because you're going to be so envious and feel like a real lump yeah i'll bet because let me guess you 20 sit-ups yeah i woke up i walked the dog i responded to emails i did my lunges and my squats and now here i am talking to uh a shadow of my former former self and becker i got up early too because i went to bed early i only have to sleep in when i bartend because i get home late yeah because you get tired from squeezing out all the rags at 3 30 and drinking the leftovers squeeze out the oranges and the lemons for my vitamins yeah so you can ward off scurvy you one of you guys is going to wind up with scurvy one

of you fucking trinidad roughnecks down there is going to get the pirate disease no yeah because you guys live in a food desert and an actual desert and you're just eating cactuses and lizards all the time we're signed up for a misfits market so now we get fresh fruit and veg delivered to our door oh cool you can pay a premium for the shit they were gonna throw away nice premium yeah it's a deal also our safeway often has rotting fruit and vegetables yeah they just leave it out like somebody will eat it yeah it's crazy and that's when gummo king of the hobos comes through and he's like all right I can make up a pot of shine with this. Yeah, this is practically Prudhoe already. They're giving away the ketchup packets.

I can just add this in there and we got ourselves a little hoedown coming up in a few. Yeah, I got up early. I had my coffee. Now I'm having a diet Dr. P. Jesus. Dr. P before fucking noon. You got a problem no yeah dude you really love dr pepper i'm glad it's diet now though well yeah i thought about getting the real thing and i was like i was

already getting a bunch of candy and shit and a pie strength and megan megan pointed out you're getting the otTC Dr. Pepper you want the stuff that they keep under the counter I don't want to pay a premium and you can write you a script Megan pointed out that I was like the person at McDonald's getting a bunch of garbage

and then ordering a Diet Coke by going to the dollar store and getting candy and Wise's chips and then Diet Dr. Pepper. I was like, yeah, I get my sugar from my solids, not my liquids. That's good. That's what killed Louis Anderson.

Too much liquid sugar. I'm dying. Can I have another Balls Guarana? Remember Balls Guarana? Remember balls Guarana? Oh, it was a drink. Yeah. Yeah.

Lon, you weren't in the gaming culture that me and Becker grew up in, but man, Valhalla's on like 140th. We'd go up there and play Magic the Gathering and it just reaped like, you know, unwashed butt. You know, there wasn't a name for it, but in seldom. And then just balls balls guarana from wall the wall virginity yeah and i'd roll in there with me clay to hon who was like six foot seven 104 pounds uh brian jansen cock who you guys are familiar with jansen cock but he looks like bill

clinton's head you know he's talking in code and wondering if he can reprogram the cameras to be a robot that works for him. Whenever a cash register dings, he's like, oh, I like that octave. That's good. Improvements on my own schematics. Makes the soundscape out of it. This kid, Brad, who was allergic to smoke

and we would blast cigarettes in my car and he would throw up after a 10-minute car ride. We'd lock the windows until he puked. and then to top it all off my boy callan culkin who wore like a jesus is a cunt shirt and a fucking french coat in colorado after columbine so he's rolling in there with his stringy hair wearing fingerless gloves it's like this is the squad we're here to game game the system yeah we're here to change things oh we needed to be changed man god magic really showed me a lot of fucking crazy freaks we went to one place in vegas uh after high school i think i was probably visiting from college there was like a late late night gaming place where you could play counter-strike with like 15 other rude dudes with

attitude yeah so yeah i know a little bit about it i was yeah yeah i was friends with some uh some real computer nerds they They could build their own shit. Yeah, I mean, these Counter-Strike guys had some tactical training, you know? Yeah. Like, imagine the Gathering players. They're not ready for the walls to fall. They don't have any skills for the collapse of society. They don't know left from right.

One time, Clay was playing. We were like 13 years old, and Clay was playing this guy who had a mullet that hung all the way down to his butt and he was full denim just like denim hat denim shirt denim shorts denim shoes i assume i don't know i never saw his feet but uh he was a 42 year old man he'd never seen a breast irl meanwhile clay's in there able to slam dunk 360 even though he's pubeless just like full skeleton body at 13 oh he was huge dude whoa clay was a massive lanky uh bone ghoul and clay beat the guy and the guy said well played fellow mage and like i fell off my chair uh callan was doing the worm jansen cock came in on a zipline and was like oh yeah it was the talk of collector mania in parker colorado for weeks to come did you say that oh for a year you still say it dude my group chat with brad and jansen cock will still like they'll make some point about like you know uh the austrian school of economics that i have no idea what the fuck they're talking about

because they're both geniuses and i'll be like well played fellow mage and then alarm goes off in callan's house even though he's not in the group chat he slides down the fire pole he's ready to go slides down the fire pole right into his boots and he's just outside yeah it just walks in the boys into the house gets yelled at yeah fire pole it's for emergencies why we haven't installed mary so yesterday you uh supposedly hung out with some doctors, but all I saw was some pictures of you holding a baby. Yeah, well, they let me in the OB operating room. So I was, they had some Hondurans come in,

and the babies just slide out of the South American. So I was just in there fucking, you know. It was like, you know, when they have the all-star game in baseball and they have the kids in the outfield catching dingers during the uh yeah pop flies yeah during the uh what is that called the home run derby that was me just fucking catching guatemalan babies left and right yesterday like i caught one i gave it to a hot chick behind me. She didn't see that I switched it out for an El Salvadorian. It was cool. Yeah.

Yeah. They said that they had a guest spot doula-wise, and you were like, ooh, if I get down there early, I can hit the vending machine, and then I'll be the first name on the list. I'll be the only one with credits. And then you'll get in there and sure enough god what is what a weird it doesn't make sense to have these guest spot these alleged guest

spots left and right like hey we're gonna have 14 people in the crowd but if i offer a guest spot then i'll get the worst eight comics in town to come hang out and then i can throw one of them a bone yeah you just have a full fucking menagerie of chodes on the in the back talking about why they're not booked it is always the worst comics it's like hey are you never booked of course do you want to come down to this show at a brewery somewhere in thornton? Yeah, I'll be there. Can I get a ride? No. Yeah, I don't know. I'm sure maybe there's some or maybe it makes more sense with New York shows. I don't know. I

figured that it was something that was being stolen or aped by smaller scenes, but I don't know if it makes sense in a bigger scene either. Well, in a bigger scene... Just book your show. Yeah, promote your show. The trick to a show in New York, unless it has good comics on it, is just making sure that you take the photo of the crowd from the exact same angle.

You know know this whole creative photography phenomenon that's so prevalent in bad comedy oh to make it look as full as possible yeah it's like whoa we had another fucking banging night here at the applebee's off of 125th in cherokee uh johnny the weasel opened up strong. And then Catherine, El Comedienne, came up. And she brought the heat. And then, you know, oh, and our feature, let's not forget Cowboy Rick. He told the truth. And then Crawford brought the house down.

Lavelle Crawford stopped by. Yeah, and it's like, Tiffany Haddish did a guest spot. And there's an asterisk. Like, she did not do a guest spot tiffany haddish impersonator yeah which was just crawford in a wig it's like he did two sets the double dip i don't know dude becker we never talked about that guy who uh came into the mutiny remember phoenix yeah your best friend phoenix yeah my best my best friend yeah who's a teacher like where a goat is the mayor somewhere in southern colorado yeah yeah it was

very nice of superintendent burrow to hire me we talked about him you blew up his spot you said where he was from and what he did and his first and last name you dark on the pod yeah you when you were blackout oh during that great episode everyone oh yeah yeah okay well never mind yeah dump it uh tx so it is curious because uh i was so annoyed that you're just offering guest spots left and right. You're like, we have a drop-in spot available. Yeah. Come on. It was supposed to be me and you hanging out.

Evan Johnson showed up. Yeah, we had comics out the wazoo. No, it's funny that you offer a spot to this random person, and he doesn't show up. It was like God was real for a moment i just had to deal with peicher who did great yeah if i should have good but yeah this other guy i can't believe you're like come on down hey we're having we're having an open mic before the show to make sure that people get as much bad comedy as possible before the good comedy well first of all

i didn't know you moved to a town with a population of 15 to be a gatekeeper so my bad i didn't know you wanted to maintain the fucking purity of not quite ratone comedy yeah why would i want to have a good show we had a good show and guess what if a fucking weirdo no thanks to you drum doing parodies of weird al songs it would have been awesome you just wanted something to riff off of yeah let's see we had jimby jimby jimby you just knew that you'd be able to get a lot of mileage out of his ass yeah dude for sure i mean i blew my wad playing drums during the intro to the show yeah the whole i was just gonna play drums i was gonna be my closer i was gonna do 15 on the drums couldn't do it because i had to save you when you're floundering

up front no symbols yeah i don't use symbols i do good art i don't need my shit explained to people i hate symbols and art you know that uh so yeah we talked about him let's talk about these doctors and babies well did little oh yeah little nips oh yeah tiny nips was there dude yeah miles was holding it down he was drinking a 40 while his daughter was in his other hand pretty sick oh yeah yeah she was pregnant on the boat during Emily's birthday. Yeah, that's why we kept telling her to lay off the gnaws. We were like, you've had enough balloons. There's a baby inside of you.

She was like, I'm going to name it Julia. Going straight off the tank. Can you dox a baby? Where's that baby live? The baby's name is juliana and i sing juliana do you wanna pet an iguana and they're like my god you're the baby whisperer excellent baby work but yeah it was me it was tiny nips miles who is probably my favorite person in fort collins you know including my wife um his wife who just plopped out a little wad doctor dr wad uterus dds and then uh this other this other doctor uh well let's call him josh because that's his name

doctor uh well let's call him josh because that's his name and then his wife uh suzanne who fucking rules suzanne's one of the funniest people she loves come town she's just like very acerbic uh yeah and she's like talking she's doing like a racist voice while holding her beautiful son it was very great um yeah we hung out dude i drank a bottle of wine i'm a bit hung over emmy didn't really show her ass but i kept being like emmy show them the good one these ladies think they got big fatties because they're prego show them what real meat looks like you know these bitches are juicing on that lactate hey let me get a let her get a fucking chance on that pump she'll she'll set a record yeah we hung out and we played a game called code names which was fun and uh we watched the olympics

oh i blew off like five shows in denver to be at a dinner party with babies blew off what do you mean well i could have gone and done five sets yeah i didn't take a night off took a night off to hang out with babies and it's cool because the babies are like two weeks apart so it's like will they or won't they you know yeah it's like there's this like fucking sexual tension in the room they're both laying on the ground you know looking over at each other she's crying she's begging for it it's like what are we doing uh is it true somebody on twitter said that there were ice skaters that wore joker and harley quinn outfits is that real i don't know dude i didn't you were watching the Olympics last night. Yeah. And there was ice skating,

but it was the singles competition, which totally honks compared to the fucking couples competition. That couples competition is crazy. It's just like, let's spin a bitch for 40 minutes on ice. The dizziest women of all time. Yeah, it's crazy. I mean, they're like muscular. They're hot. There's just like, oh, God, it's just this fucking ice i'm surprised the ice doesn't melt because of all the you know hot ejaculate coming out of the guy's tights snail trails snail trails a lot of snail trails you need a zamboni out there after each performance yeah the olympics are cool and i i say let's go okay it was a German couple. And I guess like he has a fake tattoo on his chest and her shirt says Harley Quinn. Oh,

but they're not good costumes. Okay. What's the face? I thought too. He has Hannah. No, it's like a big, like giant Joker head.

And he, and he's got his shirt unbuttoned down like this down to like his titties with the tattoo exposed and then he's wearing a purple jacket no that's what i mean he's not it's not a specific one all right it's an amalgam of all the jokers i thought i thought that this uh person on twitter was bullshitting and then she mentioned like a skater in uh like a jesus costume and then that was real so it was a real outfit he had like a crown of thorns on his collar it was pretty wild he's probably gonna get crucified he's probably gonna get fucking assassinated much like jesus allegedly i'm sure that they fucking outlawed it in china because they're godless yeah yeah they're like you can't represent the white jesus out here

you know um it is crazy that it's in china dude america biffed it so hard in snowboarding yesterday the american gals oh i felt bad for him total biff yeah they're like three-time gold medalists and this lady's like oh and she's going up the ramp and my god her pants fell off we've never seen this before she uh landed completely off the track she's on the slalom course getting paddled by all the slaloms. Oh no. Her cheeks are red. It was very bad. She just kept biffing it on very simple shit and we were like, come on, you got this?

Oh boy. Maybe not. Yeah, it's your whole steez and all of a sudden you suck. What's my steez? No, this person's snowboarding. It's their whole thing yeah i mean it defines them they've devoted their life to it not everybody's kurt angle no not everyone's

kurt angle dude you're right about that not everyone's walking with a walker through the pittsburgh airport snowboarder's got a broken neck yeah they're flop. Just white knuckling another day through opiate withdrawal. Kurt Angle was so fucked up on pills, dude. He was eating like 60 oxys a day and getting in the ring. He was doing perks, too. Perks? Yeah, those are the perks of the job. Yeah, that's why he went to TNA.

Hey, Becker, quit drooling. WWF was like, you're pilled up you have to go to rehab and he was like no i'll just go to tna yeah let me do whatever i want yeah right watch this hey jeff jarrett let me put you through a table suck it tie me off first it must be fun to be an olympian and be like i'm the best at this one thing holding another man down putting him on his back and now in my golden age from the you know golden age for a wrestler 38 years old i'm just gonna like uh disappear into a fucking warm luscious cloud of opiates maybe that's what i'll do after my next book comes out. I'll take a little three-week sabbatical over there in Pillville.

Pillsburg. Becker, that's how I'll reward you for your hard work. Just let me go on a bender with you? I mean, it's not a bender when you're on pills. It's two guys laying on a bearskin rug wondering if they already ate that's what i'm inviting you to i'm inviting you to a cabin in longmont and by cabin i mean a roof in it'll be you me and a guy named hedgy i'm in dude it sounds like fun it does

god the sweet embrace of opiates I mean I've dabbled I've had a little taste here and there fuck it doesn't get better I wish it was legal I mean it kind of is legal if you have some money if your back hurts you got a cool doctor

sunglasses doctor yeah if you got the the doctors i hang out with no yeah get a get to get a couple scripts from these i've got their scripts they're not good i've done some rewrites on them the pitches these doctors have they're like what if a doctor was also a professional wakeboarder what are the doctor's nipples were so small oh wait he's not a doctor no he's not to feel good he's just you can't feel anything with those nips yeah yeah like a scorpion could bite his nipple he wouldn't know speaking of scorpions biting nipples boys have, have you seen Jackass 4? No.

Why? What are you doing? I don't want to go to a movie theater. It should be fucking streaming. It should have come out in October. Fuck, you sound like a million-year-old bitch. Go to the movies. I don't want to.

Why? Because it's fucking bad right now. Everybody's sick. Oh, yeah. You guys are afraid of COVID? Yes. God. We're taking this off spotify uh yeah scarlett johansson fucked the whole world over why she sued disney for not getting her bonus

off of black widow and that made it to where like no studios really want to do digital releases anymore she set a precedent she won the case now everybody's gonna have to do these weird payouts if they have any kind of agreement with their stars for bonuses or back end points do box office performance so yeah that greedy bitch uh no you side with the studio you said with no i i scar scarlett johansson seems like a nice enough lady but she's truly a piece of work as far as what she does with her contracts no but like uh when you're doing like a big production that costs like you know 100 million dollars like avengers age of ultron there's clauses in there saying like you won't go snow skiing you won't go on any uh skydiving trips and that you know fan boat adventures and that

you won't get pregnant no solving mysteries and her and her husband back then got pregnant on purpose and she won't play chubby bunny on a japanese game show she delayed a hundred million dollar production by eight nine months that was already underway so they had to pay you guys twice she cost them more than the bonus she just took them to court for and they just let it slide she was like by all rights ready to be fired because she breached her contract and fucked over everyone involved in the marvel movies damn dude and black widow was so good too it's like she almost robbed us of that beautiful piece of filmmaking no way scarlet how dare you have a child and honor the universe that lives inside of you well a bunch of guys who

look like becker fucking signing petitions it wasn't during that one it was during the avengers she messed up like downey jr's schedule she met she screwed a lot of people out of a shitload of money is robert downey jr's never been inconvenient no he has been but then he got it together and had this person being inconvenient i'm just saying to go after your boss that gave you a slap on the wrist for costing him hundreds of fucking millions of dollars and then to be like i didn't get my extra 12 million on this movie already paid me 44 is ridiculous becker off the soapbox all right this isn't broadcast save it for broadcast yeah here's the here's the here's the squad becker

me you robert downey jr yes kurt angle courtney love all right we go down to Baton Rouge, Louisiana. We rent a swamp front bungalow. I'm in. Dude, Bobby Johnny Jr. sounds like the most fun person to heroin with, and I've never considered it before. Oh, yeah, he'd be great. He'd be so like, he'd have such that wry wit. He'd be like, you call that a needle?

Look at this. It's his penis. Ty Mehoff. What is he? a cambodian baseball player get over here hang out with his brother jack yeah you know who's a bitch scarlett johansson skojo can go go back to south afro

or is that charlie's throne throne throne's there she's giving everyone hand jobs she because he has one rule no mouth stuff blasted on on bad china white just doing the brown just fucking balls of crumpled up tinfoil everywhere the lights are off yeah upside down american flags hanging in the windows so no light can penetrate the bungalow i thought it was pills now you're shooting up huh well you have rdj is gonna relapse with this we can't give him any of the little babies yeah we gotta go full hog yeah dude Lun's there he's on all fours chewing gum

yeah wee man he's riding him around bringing us fresh spoons Bun's our horse horse alright horse mule. RDJ is putting cigs out on his rump. It'd be great. How do they continue to do jackass?

It's the prank within a prank. It's the unsuspecting uh stunts what do you think i mean i don't want to give any spoilers but danger aaron really earns his fucking money in this movie yeah him and uh him and dave england don't get talked about well they've been getting talked about with this one but they i think they usually did the crazier shit and then just were overshadowed by Johnny and Steve-O and Bam. I mean, Johnny Knoxville is beautiful. Steve-O has the manic trickster energy that was so enchanting for a post-9-11 America. Chris Pontius, he's like the bad boy

who you wouldn't mind if he cucked you. Preston Lacey, you know. Huge's like the bad boy who you wouldn't mind if he cucked you. Preston Lacey, you know. Huge. Huge, fat, gross, no one cared. Wee Man has a boner in this movie. There's a lot more like upfront nudity in this film. That's good. But yeah, meanwhile, in the background, Dave England,

who looks like he fell asleep on a raft and went out to sea for a couple years. He is haggard. Doesn't look good. He's toothless. looks like he fell asleep on a raft and went out to sea for a couple years like he is hag erd doesn't look good he's toothless drowning in pig semen um they have a whole new crew though they have all these like new kids who are in there yeah yeah so they the new kids do a lot of like the actual physical shit whereas uh you know the old the old hands do a lot more of the psychological stuff the cerebral yeah they have to press this button and 100 people will die yes they're like uh uh uh what's the what's the upside of it well they could be bad people or they could be all doctors why'd you just itch you made a face

like you're itching something deep and then you looked at your fingers no i didn't yes you did becker i didn't look at my fingers i was actually scratching my balls so i missed it i hit my back i had a back itch yeah just like it it's the best movie that's ever come out. Nice. It's no Black Widow, Becker, but you might like it. Black Widow sucked. I just don't like her because she pulled this move that made it much more dangerous to get entertainment for the fucking pandemic.

And I think it was a shitty, childish thing she did. Well, I've never disagreed with you more. Baker thinks it's childish to have a baby. There's 10-year-olds out there getting knocked up. The suing the studio for a bonus to shut down home releases.

That just seemed like a very putting yourself before all of the fucking country kind of move. I don't know. As a guy who likes to get paid, as a guy who's tuned up a couple of bookers down in Alabama, I stand with her. She got paid.

She just didn't get a bonus because there was no bonus to be had because there weren't tickets sold. Lund? It seems like a thing where you would be mad at the athlete instead of the owner and so i think i have to go with scar joe except if she wasn't supposed to get pregnant and then she did it's like uh you said you weren't gonna yeah but, but to be fair, when you're having anonymous sex with that many people, you're probably gonna get prego. Yeah.

It's like these doctors I was hanging out with last night. They don't know if their husbands are actually daddies. Unless they're... You know your kid is Miles' product if there's no nipples.

Yeah. The nipples. Nipples don't show up until way later. Hanging out with pregnant women is crazy because they'll just be like, I need more pepperoni on my omelet. It's like, all right, I'll be right back. It's like I have a glass of wine and then I pour one for Miles and she's like, oh, having a glass of wine, are you, Miles?

Just like pumping all four of her tits at once did everybody go to your house no no we went over to a undisclosed location in the nevada desert you eli eli we went to eli nevada i just got back i drove all throughout the night why does that not sound right ely cory ely no I drove all throughout the night. Why does that not sound right? Ely. Corey Ely? No. It sounded wrong,

but that's what it is. Ely. The babies were cool. We put them in little costumes, made them do cool TikTok dances. We let Gordy loose in there because he's toothless so he was just like biting him but he couldn't do any damage gordy's just coming on a bunch of four four month old noses he likes it we played a game called who's his bigger gordy's penis or the three month old griffith the answer might surprise you

gordy's yeah gordy lost control of his uh his dick vein so it's just dragging all over the ground now what hold on my cool guy alarm's going off time to take a perk yeah cool guy time to get zonked if i could dude i mean i have so much work i have to do but i would love to just disappear into the 75 xanax bars that someone gave me from mexico yeah you're these supposed emails you have to respond to no no not emails i'm writing i'm crafting a new novel oh i'm right there working quotations working quotation marks fake yeah yeah i'm not a yaoman farmer out there tilling the fields i work with the suck i have to suck my own dick for four hours a day i wish it was four hours dude what does yaoman Yao Min mean? There's a Chevy named that.

I've always wondered. None of the adults in my life have ever told me. Yao Min is a workman-like farmer. Almost like a surfer or a vassal. Okay. It's a man who works the fields. He doesn't. Cool.

Y-E-O-M-A-N. None of that was true. That's how it's spelled. It was a Chevy wagon in the 50s. Yeah, so it was like, hey, are you working hard for old man Tillersley? Are you a sharecropper down there at Bama Way? If so, Chevy's got a new automobile for you. The Chevy Yowman.

It runs on tobacco spit and drugs with three X's on them. Are you mad at your black neighbors because you have the exact same plots of land? If so, Chevy has you. The Yeoman. I think it's Yeoman. Yeah, it could be Yeoman depending on if you're stupid or smart. It is Yeoman.

I've only read the word because I'm smart. Because you read. Yeah. I'm out there talking to people. And more importantly, listening. I got to listen to Wally all day. Oh, yeah.

What's the latest? Oh, he's just out there hanging posters for the big comedy festival. Hanging pod. Hanging posters. Pulling pod. Hanging brain. Hanging on the rim, Duncan, Duncan on courts.

Yeah. He's going from a dispensary dispensary in Trinidad. And he's like, mind if I hang up a flyer? And they're like, of course. And then he takes out his balls and he dips them in glue and rubs it all over the window.

You know, it would be fun? And if it wasn't so toxic and dangerous? Hot tub full of rubber cement. Yeah, we'd be high as fuck. We'd be high, we'd be sticky, we'd be loose. Ultimate relaxation. Hot rubber cement.

Okay, you wouldn't actually get stuck in there forever because of the temperature because it's so hot that it's uh not able to solidify my body burns bright like a dying star i don't think that i could get satisfied in any kind of adhesive even if it was room temp even if it was in the snow i'd still be like i'm liquid over all right uh should we we should shout out uh joey ficken oh yeah passed away damn he was a real one he was a he was a cool guy yep we don't know what happened i'm assuming uh couldn't lift his head up and smothered himself with his own pillow yeah i'm assuming uh i'm assuming got too high passed out in bowl of chili it does suck he's younger than both of us he looks i don't know that well everyone's younger than you but is he younger than me pretty sure maybe you guys were the same age i feel like he

was one of those situations when we first met him we were like man this 44 year old's cool yeah yeah he has brent gill syndrome he looks 40 forever he went bald early, never really was able to let go of it. I feel bad because he was a good guy and he was on dialysis. Oh, did you ask Emily how long you can be on dialysis? Because it hadn't been that long. If you're on dialysis, you're on it until you die or you get a new kidney. Yeah. Yeah.

Like dialysis is either that or you go into like palliative care you know what i mean fuck yeah so i mean i'm hoping that it was the kidney situation that did him in yeah well as opposed to like the other opera you know the other option which is savaged by crows but yeah he was cool and uh sucks that he's uh that he's gone uh good comic well let's not go crazy he was he was funny it is funny when people will kind of make it sound like he was next in line to blow up yeah people people say funny things in tribute and like i haven't posted anything because reading other posts i'm like well i don't want to join this fucking team you know just like people are like oh man is it team remembering a friend no there's a there's a difference or there's a fine line team team speaking fondly of a dead guy yeah no you know what i mean you idiot there's people there's people that probably shouldn't

have posted anything but they did who bukely no just any just any random comic who like i've seen several people say they didn't really know him that well it's like well then why are you fucking posting anything and i didn't know him that well we talked a few a few months ago online uh we talked a few months before that whatever you know so it's just weird just feels weird well i did know him very well and spent a lot of time with him there was that period in my life where i was performing in ames iowa and springfield missouri like four times a year yeah you kept you kept really exhausting the well oh yeah why do you think i got so good at riffing because i kept going back to the same small markets three times a year and had to bring a new hour i was like fucking brian regan and sticks so you did a lot of time with joey and david melendez and mark moore and we had a lot of

fun there in ames joey's apartment was the most disgusting apartment i've ever been inside of you and me had to stay there one time we slept on the floor which was like i don't know it should have been studied by scientists for new strains yeah we had to get super drunk so that we could pass out and we did get super drunk because we were drinking uh bush lights and we were pouring over-the-counter cough syrup into them oh yeah you said that on the phone i don't remember that part yeah because you were fucked up i remember we went uh to a cvs in iowa we bought some beer and i was like hey you guys want to really get loose and joey was like uh so that's pretty much how we talked to

you he's already blackout r.i.p of course but yeah we went back to his house respect yeah respect anyway this gross wad yeah anyway this sweaty egg-shaped man uh whose penis i saw all the time which was fun well you gave him five dollars what do you expect yeah i expect him to honor his promise he was a sex worker yeah no but we went back to his apartment we watched a bunch of like 80s youtube clips and it was like dude this sucks but we don't have enough money for a hotel room oh yeah no way yeah so i guess we're sleeping here and we slept on that weird l-shaped couch that was wet and warm it was really it was the worst place i've ever stayed on the road yeah and i've stayed at whitney cummings house once uh it was you thinking about that place

reminds me of a couple years ago i did some shows in the south with derek stroop and ben bryant and we stayed with some comics in nashville and the place was fine but they didn't have toilet paper and this was a week after they agreed to house us like they knew three comics were going to stay with them for a few days and they didn't know you were coming too they didn't get toilet paper they didn't know me from adam and so we show up and they're like oh yeah we don't have any toilet paper we got some coffee filters i had to wipe my ass with coffee filters for like a day and then i was like how about we go get toilet paper for these young impresarios i can't believe you made it a day on coffee filter status if someone told me they didn't have toilet paper, I'd be like, okay, I'll be right back.

I'd go rob a bank, get some TP. Yeah, I don't remember why we didn't take care of the problem, especially because we were staying with them. It's like, let's bring a housewarming present of basic toiletries. Because you weren't warming the house enough in there breathing up all the air yeah we it was a throwback for sure because i thought i thought that was behind me those days of like living with you wiping my ass with a magazine yeah like well it started as a mad magazine when i got done with it it a cracked, if you know what I mean. No, dude.

Yeah. So Ficken's house was the worst and we shouldn't have had to stay there. It was like we were being punished for past misdeeds. But we drank a bunch of fucking cough syrup in our beers and got loaded and watched a bunch of old 80s wrestling there. One time, Joey got all fucked up and he passed out sitting up and we ate a bunch of pizza off of his bald head that was fun and then joey like woke up and he was pissed and we were like first of all put your dick away second of all in your blackout state you would wake up and say i'm a pizza plate and point into your head so you loved it you know this is my pizza plate um so yeah one time joey knew that i fucking hated the cc's taco

pizza you know that one cc's right casey's casey's yeah casey's taco pizza is just like it tastes like dog food to me and i'm a big pig and i oink with the nuts you know like not too good for shitty gas station pie but for some reason that taco pie reminds me maybe i got fingered while i was eating it once i don't know it just brings back bad memories like a ball pit and um he like showed up at the airport to pick me up and he was like i got through your favorite pizza and i was like sick casey's breakfast pizza i can't wait to eat this and he opens the box it's that fucking taco pie and i'm like dude i mean thank you but i hate this and he says i know and then he was like just ate the whole pizza

it was an excuse for him to be able to eat a whole fucking casey's pizza like oh yeah i know you don't like it and then just like you know drove with his knees as he was double fisting slices i like uh the taco pizza because he got fresh ones during that festival and i that's what i had of it as opposed to like one a piece that's been sitting there for eight hours on the side of uh the highway yeah but i remember liking it a congealed casey's breakfast pizza is a treat. You know, it's like opening up a bottle of wine to let it decant, you know? So anyway, me and Casey,

we had, we had a lot of fun, Joey and I, I remember when Ron White and came and like Josh was opening for Ron in Ames. And we were out there doing that festival that no one came to. And cause you know joey was booking it and promoting it and uh i like mooned everyone for my set and slapped my ass remember that no

oh yeah i was like that's my whole set we were fucking wasted and i was just slapping my ass and saying do you like it it looks like me it looks like me like slapping my ass to the four people there and then slowly the entire room starts filling up because everyone heard that ron white was coming over so i think when ron white walked in i was on stage slapping my ass and saying look i'm joey i'm joey or whatever that was a lot of fun yeah well yeah really your you and us knowing josh got josh and ron there they neither of them performed but they hung out no ron did a set okay yeah but yeah that did get some uh some some interest in this god it was the blames whiskey comedy festival but there was not a whiskey sponsor yeah it was just a play on aims and then uh an admission of of alcoholism

well that was the genius of joey ficken you know on paper uh a lot of the stuff he did didn't make sense but you know when he really peeked behind the curtain the wizard was there you know On paper, a lot of the stuff he did didn't make sense. But when he really peeked behind the curtain, the wizard was there. It was him and Melendez just like, well, we have this little fiefdom. Let's bring some friends in and have a bad fest. But there was also that festival where me and Kronberg went to the strip club down the street from the pinball show.

There was the day and we got in there and we were like oh there's no one's dancing and the lady behind the bar was like hold on what do you have and we were like all right we'll have a drink and then she like poured our drinks then went on stage and just danced to barbie girl danced to barbie girl three times and we were like, well, this is fucking purgatory. Let's leave. That seems wild to have one song on repeat. Yeah, just one woman and me and Kronberg and a couple of dock workers. You're like, what about a different song? She's like, this is the only song I know how to dance to.

I was like, what about a couple of different tits? That'd be cool. too i was like what about a couple different tits that'd be cool uh there was a great time when me and joey went on the road up to like fuck you know frog stump minnesota and listen to this dream team me joey ficken david melendez, Donnie Townsend, James Doyle. Why? Why five comics? I don't know.

Because it was Iowa. Iowa style is, hey, we have 11 comics opening for you. And after the 10th one, there's an intermission. You know, just a total nightmare. Every show you fucking do in Iowa. But we're in the car and it's joey's little fucking terrible like toyota tour who made the tursell toyota yeah so it's a tursell and four out of the five comics on this show are legally obese like it was like the wad master generals it was the fucking it was the

globe-shaped trotters. Joey's driving, so he doesn't have to succumb to it. Melendez gets permanent shotgun because Joey's his girlfriend. So it's like me in the back straddling. It's Donnie in the middle riding the wave on me and James Doyle. Donnie's butt doesn't touch the seat the whole time because he's just floating on love handle. We get to the show, and they're all bickering because they're all from iowa um and joey's favorite thing to do was the whole time you would be driving somewhere because we did the road a lot

together god bless him his whole favorite thing to do would it be like oh i'm worried about my set list and i'd be like well let's talk about it and he's like i don't want to and then like 10 minutes later i need to figure out my set list but i'm always driving you assholes around all right well joey you want me to drive i don't want to um you know 15 minutes goes by it's like hey can we pull over and he's like yeah well you guys are shitting and pissing maybe i'll get some time to work on my fucking set list. It's like, Joey, do you want anything from inside? I don't want to.

Actually, yes. Can you get me six Kit Kats? They're back for four, Joey. Yeah. I only want six. Every time. And then at the end of the night, he would get on stage after talking about his set list for eight hours

near the exact same fucking set. Which he opened with like, I ate a bunch of cashews the other day and then I took a dump and I looked at it and I was like, this shit is nuts. So, you know, we did lose one of the great comedic minds. I just don't know how to feel about Joey oh yeah oh yeah

Becker I told you Sam called me Saturday was that yesterday? Friday? last night on my drive home Friday night he came up or he was driving from Denver back up to Fort Collins. And he called me and we talked for a while and he kept saying,

I don't know how to feel about Joey dying. And I was like, feel bad. What are you talking about? Like, I don't know whether to laugh or cry. What a confused idiot. Yeah.

You have a bunch of cough syrup in your beer. And then you're like, I don't know what feelings to feel. Yeah. There was like a correct way to like you know engage with this so that was a fun bit we were doing but anyway we go into this bad show with four of the fattest men alive and donnie townsend and uh the car reeks the seats are broken the shocks have exploded the tires are melted we come rolling into you know uh white power minnesota and we do this show we have nowhere to stay i'm sure that we split 80 for

the gig between the five of us and doyle ate half of it so uh doyle ate the change yeah the steering wheel's gone because doyle munched it so uh while i'm on stage doyle i'm like doyle fucking talk to these people find us a place to stay so he goes and he finds this guy and we go back and he's like hey you know we get back to his house he's got a fire pit going there's a real sense of community and fun he's got this giant rv trailer and he's like y'all can stay in here there's enough room for everyone and then he proceeds to tell us about how he makes sure there's no pedophiles who live in his neighborhood and he found out that there was a chimo living down the street and he went to his door with a crossbow and he you know showed it to him and said you better move or you're gonna get filled with holes

and then he was like you guys want to see this cool tattoo on my back and he lifts up his shirt and he's got like amongst all of this like white supremacist imagery he has like you know an angel like praying like jesus and he also has a nine millimeter in his belt so he just like shows us his gun and his white supremacist tattoos and he's like if anyone ever crosses me i'll kill them uh and we're like all right cool uh can we go to bed or whatever he's like yeah yeah go in there but before you you guys got to drink all this Goldschlager. So we had to like down a bottle of Goldschlager. And then he just like threw a handful of Percocets in the trailer.

And he's like, have some fun. He's like, I want Joey to sleep with me, though. Like Joey's going to sleep in the house. And we're like, okay. So we took Joey away. And then we just like sat in the trailer and giggled and munch perks. And that was just one of the many nights out there with Joey. What did he do with Joey?

I don't think he did anything. He was just like, Joey's the skinniest one. So he has to come sleep inside. Okay. What about anything to Joey? I thought Don Donnie was a thin one. Oh yeah.

Donnie was there. I don't know why he took Joey. Maybe because Joey was the most innocent. The whitest one. Yeah. The most innocent. Yeah, you know, he's one of God's perfect angels. James Doyle posted about that and said that when the guy lifted his shirt up to show you a tattoo,

you said, whoa, that's a good tattoo of a gun yeah i'm sure i had some cool stuff i said pretty funny yep i was speaking to one of god's perfect angels speaking of a super spy who was taken too early um there's a guy in jackass who's clearly touched and they just got him doing like wild shit but he's like you know he doesn't know where the sun goes at night this guy his name is poopies and he rules don't get me wrong he's brave he puts his body on the line for my entertainment don't get me wrong yeah you know don't don't misquote me but yeah me and danny maupin were watching poopies also in this movie dude it's me it's bory it's creasy it's maupin you know we them boys and we're watching the movie and at one point creasy fucking threw up in his mask. What? Yeah, it was some kind of like extreme ball torture and Creasy barfed.

And as he's running out of the theater, we're all like, he puked. And the theater's like, yeah. It only could have been better if Creasy like stumbled, tripped, his pants fell down and he landed, you know, in the lap of Preston Lacey. His dick and balls come flopping out. Yeah. They poke know in the lap of preston lacey his balls come flopping on yeah they poke him in the eyes oh shit jackass is must watch people yeah i'll probably wait for it to stream dude just go see it in theaters no kovats over the hoax is up brother free rogan free kovid uh yeah you and cummings can go watch it for a second time dude i would love to see it with

dan cummings no whitney oh yeah white dan whitney dan whit Dan Cummings. No, Whitney. Oh, yeah, white Dan Whitney. Dan Whitney Cummings. That's a pretty fun before and after. Yeah, but anyway, shout out to Joey Ficken. I hope you're somewhere else working on your set list with God. Rest in pizza is what I said that you talked over, so I figured we should get a clear audio of that. Nice and clean.

There were so many nights where we would crash in some shithole and Joey would drink an entire bottle of whiskey. I mean, we were all drinking whiskey, but Joey loved fucking plastic jug whiskey. And he would wake up to all of us, me, Doyle, the gang, just pointing at his dick and posing with his dick because he would always like wind up stripping nude in the night because he got so drunk he just wake up to a bunch of guys like

look at it you know like holding it up like a fish like check it out getting it hard putting it in our mouths these guys having fun um so like you know hopefully Joey wakes up in heaven it's just like all of his favorite wrestlers just sitting there

posing with his dick. Proper send off for the boy. Yeah, we did that show in Bastrop, Texas. Thanks to Joey. That was memorable because we all had fun bombing. There was like i didn't know people there none of none of what we had for them was what they wanted they were all belt buckles and big

cowboy hats this is before you had a cowboy hat so you weren't able to assimilate you just had to stand out and you got laughs by making fun of the town spy the guy painted one too many barns and ended up with brain damage and you're like oh hey so what's froggy's deal and they're like froggy's the dumbest motherfucker around. And you were like, oh, yeah, he does look dumb as hell. And they were like, he knows. And then you just rode that wave after me, Andrew Polk, well, Joey, me, Andrew Polk, J.Y. Cotton, all bombed. And then you got some laughs because you were like, oh, we're making fun of this guy, huh? And then he was like, hell, yeah, they are.

He was in on it yeah i just think it's at some point i just pulled out my keys and shook it for him and he was like oh very good i can't think of what his actual deal was but i remember it being uh the release of some tension from like them not giving a shit about any of the actual crafted jokes that we had. Yeah, I mean, it was literally me just, I won't say making fun of, maybe making light of or poking at the foibles of modern society. You were working the room, and I think he was loudly leaving or something, and so you blasted him a couple times and everybody loved it

yeah they were like yeah he is legally stupid he's number man i was like well hello 45 minutes yeah you know find the guy with too many chromosomes and talk to him. I don't know why we were all together. Cause it was for hell. Yes. Fest or not. Hell yes. Fest altercation. There it is. I thought maybe I was the Velveeta room and you guys were doing some shows. No, remember that was the festival where we went there and there, we were staying in that parking lot behind the coffee shop where the entire festival was and despite headlining i got paid like 75 it was the first year you know punk rock baby yeah yeah uh and we went to that strip club for lunch have i told the story on the

pod before i don't think so it's us i don't want to say who all was there but chris pierce was there you know polk was there me you there was like 11 of us and they had some kind of like all you can eat chicken tender lunch and there was again there was like two strippers in there and while we're munching you know just like a world of honey mustards and ranches and you know chris pierce carbo loading before he goes and flips a tire um it was this lady walks over and she's like i'll suck all your dicks for 80 dollars and we're like or no i'll suck all your dicks for 100 bucks and we're like oh well ma'am you know i just ate and he's married you know we're all just trying to deflect like well i think that's very nice of you and look at you you're lovely i love your eye patch and while we're having this um another iowa comedian comes up and he says

i can only get 80 out of the machine holding up 420s and then him and uh you know a certain pelicans fan went and uh had some fun with this uh this very tired day shift stripper whoa yep i was not a part of that because megan came with me down to uh that festival we made a trip out of it oh so i do remember we ate outside with chris pierce and like a crew and i was like i thought chris pierce was a total poser i thought he was just some load turns out he's like the realest dude of all time but when i saw him i was like oh cool you like metal huh i couldn't tell from all your denim jacket patches yeah but and then he bench

pressed you he could have killed me if he would have known if he would have known my thoughts if i would have tried to like if i figured oh you oh, you have my back, you know, so I'll make fun of his front. And I could have made a grave mistake. Yeah, that was when we first met Buddy, too. Chris bought Buddy along to, you know, bite the heads off of many chickens that got close enough to him. And that was the first time we ever showed with buddy and chris i just remember like they did not like erdman so they kept being like erdman i'm gonna fuck you up and erdman would laugh and buddy would be like i'm fucking serious get out of

my fucking hotel room and he'd be like you guys and then you know they fucking used him like one of those old-timey train cars you gotta you gotta pump up and you know one of these things yeah what are they called I don't know I know hold on alright rickshaw no not a rickshaw not rickshaw automotive that's what they're called

no anyway kind of petered out because I couldn't think of the great end of that riff but shout out Chris shout out But shout out, Chris. Shout out, buddy. Shout out, Erdman. But of course, shout out up there. Telling God a pun, Joey Robert Ficken.

All jokes aside, you and I shared a lot of times when I didn't have much and we shared what we had. And I love you, buddy. And I'm sorry I didn't see you the we shared what we had and uh i love you buddy and i'm sorry i didn't see you the last couple years due to covid but um yeah you went everywhere except for uh austin to see your friend right yeah specifically to avoid joey but uh you know besides that my heart goes out to the family i'm sure they don't listen big chubby behemoth fans yeah the freaking family well dude i mean i got a message from his ex-girlfriend's friend who reached out to me on facebook and was like hi uh what's her name doesn't have facebook but she wanted me to reach out to Joey's closest friends to tell uh them that he passed away and I said just to be clear Joey Ficken passed away and she was like

oh yeah yeah uh I wanted to make sure that I'm sorry I didn't clarify and it's like huh closest friends eh I made the cut I mean Joe what was i saved it in his in his phone what am i like best friend sam talent call in case of emergency yeah i i see e yeah sam talent yeah and then meanwhile he saved in my phone as booker aims question mark joey and parentheses you know no i'm kidding but But I miss you. You're fun and around. But yeah, there's something special about it. It is dumb to go travel and not make any money,

but there is something about it that's pure, like you said, to just go and do shows. Even if you're wrong to feel like that's what you're supposed to do because, no no just stay home and get good and then eventually you'll get decent gigs but the other way there's something about going and doing those shows and just being willing to just say fuck it you know and figure shit out whatever and uh yeah that was a big part of our god just so long ago and i mean i wouldn't have i wouldn't have done those awful gigs it wasn't so much fun to hang out with joey melendez so you could still yeah you could still have a good time

you could figure shit out you could uh as long as you weren't alone like that those are the true psychos are the ones that just do it all by themselves yep yeah there's a lot of camaraderie and getting into a car and a lot of camaraderie a lot of com robbery because we would jerk off joey till he came and his blackout states as empty as this yeah and we'd put it on his face and say wake up kabuki girl so uh joey hopefully they can uh find a grave big enough to fit your body and we'll need a casket for his head and the casket for the rest of them a fucking head dude hell of a head yeah funny guy loved comedy and uh did a lot for western iowa comedy so brought donnie townsend into my life oh he he's the reason i have that wrestling robe when we were doing when we were hanging out for that festival i wanted to cut a promo on

andy sells ass and then a guy that was hanging out was like a dog huh his name was jared dog jared uh road how could i forget yeah uh he had he had that robe in his trunk he was like my wife's gonna kill me if i don't get rid of this thing it was like splitting their marriage apart yeah and he so he gave it to me and i have cherished it so so really it's not joey had nothing to do with it thank you jaredog jaredog was the real hero yeah jaredog wherever you are uh probably in heaven with joey i don't think i said anything last time so i want to say now that uh i got shows i'm gonna be at the aggie with todd berry and the oriental fort collins in denver february 18th and 19th what do you got coming up oh yeah you've already plugged the shit out of your Illinois shows.

You're being ill and annoying right now with your Illinois shows. Yeah, I mean, I'm about to make some Illinois with my ill boys. City Winery, February 16th. Get tickets. Hopefully we can add a second show because they're moving very well. What, Thursday, February 17th, brewing and rock island illinois come out quad city creepers february 18th bloomington illinois at the night shop tickets are moving nicely for that despite me not knowing where it is on a map or ever hearing about it before i was booked for it peoria illinois the jukebox Comedy Club, legendary hangout.

Doug Stanhope approved. And the 20th, going back to South Bend, Fighting Irish at the South Bend The Drop Comedy Club. Let's go. Donnie Townsend's on all those dates. Chris Higgins is opening for me in Chicago. Shout out Higgins. Go check out his debut comedy album um colorado i'm coming up

to the mountains the 25th and 26th love y'all what mountains what's up what mountains uh well not the song grady crisco's so you won't give a shit but uh i'm at the war Center for the Arts in Keystone. Is that in Keystone? Yeah. Yeah, okay. I'm there in Keystone. And then the 26th, I am... Let me find this lady's...

Are you opening for D-Rod? No, that's next. That's March. Yeah, I'm opening for D-Rod. I was supposed to, and then I canceled. Because for shows that got canceled with you. Ugh. I could have been opening

for D-Rod if it weren't for you, if I weren't following you around. God, you would have to have taken your own life. And then I'm at Devil's Craft in Winter Park

on February 26th. So, come out there, y'all. Call your loved ones. Call your friends. Who knows? I mean, especially if they're on dialysis. It's right there in the name. so come out there y'all call your loved ones call your friends who knows I mean especially if they're on dialysis it's right there in the name

dialysis so who's opening for you in Keystone I don't know probably Vinny Montez yeah probably the blue y'all yeah I can't wait to get buried by Vinny just like Joey got buried by his loved ones God

God