Chubby Behemoth - Rocawear

Episode Date: July 7, 2022

Elote. Bunk Beds. Duke City Vindaloo.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

Hi. Hey, buddy. I was just telling Sam that I want a giant, really nice print to hang in my home of that picture of you guys at the banquet table, because that is the best. Yeah, that was nice. Yeah, you look like a wrestling god and Sam looks like a cowboy hero. It rules. I look like a gay roper, you know? Like I've been practicing on Lund just so i can get the big steers and wrestle them down oh man you're horning them uh i do both okay i bear back him first i jump from my horse onto his nude back take him to the ground shove a bunch of mud in his mouth

that heals the horns because he loves the mud we pay him all the money he can eat i'm surprised i'm surprised uh that there was such a nice picture of us taken considering we were furious at the wedding buff or the reception buffet dynamic which was there was no dynamic that was the issue yeah well and it just we saw it happen at your sister's wedding where people i and i use the term people loosely yes someone called them animals be yeah just there's this crazy primal urge to make the biggest plate of food you've ever seen. As if these people haven't eaten all day and they don't know where their meals are going to come from tomorrow. They wrecked this temple to their gluttony that's six inches from plate to peak.

And these were at both weddings. These plates were hauled away by some of the thinnest motherfuckers you've ever seen. Very small, very slight, some old, some young. But the common denominator, just eight pounds of food on a plate. And it's like, you're not going to eat it. We know what people eat because we're towards the upper limits of the spectrum. And we see these people. It's like, you're not going to eat it.

Same with the urge to drink as much as you've ever drank before because it's an open bar. And some of those fucks, maybe they kind of know the people getting married. Maybe they're a cousin of the invited person whatever it is yeah they're a partner of another open mic area that did a show with them once atlantic city in 2012 and they're there to get their shit in and yeah uh i'm at sophie's wedding i was at table like 18. I was like, oh, cool. I hope there's any food left at all. And there was, but there was no mac and cheese.

And it was like, oh, yeah, because nobody's ever had mac and cheese before. So you have to really load up. To be fair to half of the population at that wedding, mac and cheese is very important historically, culturally. So, of course, they were going to run out of Mac and cheese, I guess. Mac and cheese days were numbered. Cause they didn't have Mac and cheese on the Amistad, you know? So now they got to get it in. Let freedom ring at Sophie's wedding.

It was the Mac and cheese at at kevin and mary's wedding god bless them lovely weekend me and you were sitting there and we heard uh one of them say oh yeah you know we're we're just gonna have everybody or you know they had uh the bridal party go up first that was the only rule and uh yeah becker it was we were all sitting down they do amy miller goes up to mc she's got him keep it up uh she uh says hey we're gonna have food now let the bridal party go first so the bridal party works their way up there and then it is a chaotic hellish free-for-all uh the attica riots had nothing on this food line people were getting fucked in the asses with broom handles people were being beheaded and lit on fire uh jacob rup was put in a cage

and made to dance for everyone's entertainment it was horses yeah exactly people swooped in on horses going full speed at this buffet line yeah there was just like random flames in each corner of the room sam and i showed restraint we sat there we said let's let these people eat everyone's looking at us to make the first move everyone's like fucking gui and guo are gonna be up there gut punching grandmas to get to the elote we sit there we show we we we act like we've been there before because we have right and we say to each other well let's give it a minute you know all of these fucking people that we don't know you know third cousins etc you know somebody that worked with kevin 15 years ago

whatever it was yeah let's stay here and try and make eye contact with our female friends let's hang out let's see who's got let's see who's got them yeah and uh yeah we we said there was a a bunch of different uh mex Mexican meats and tortillas. Kind of a nacho bar. Kind of like a do-your-own-chipotle situation. And then elote. Elote on a stick. Allegedly elote.

Well, and we saw the elote, and we said, I hope we get elote. I hope we can share an elote lady in the tramp site i hope they did the math and said there's this many people coming we need this many elote plus sam and lunder here so let's order an extra 15 we need a lot of them yeah go above and beyond one's still on the wagon sam's been drinking for three days they're at opposite ends of this polarity let's uh let's let them rock and roll yeah we eventually we get in line we know it's too late we see the plates going by yes that are just buckling for a half an hour they're barely

holding all of the food that is on there and like i said this is this is from people who are walking by of 110 pounds you know just a whisper of a person yeah there's a bunch of 28 36 is walking by smiling wide and uh we get skinny ties we start calling it we start telling people we sure hope there's a lot and before we even before we're telling people in line while we're in line we're bullying people ahead of us in line being like you better not touch the fucking elote all right i got my eyes on you kobos you fucking idiot you don't need that you can't enjoy it you don't even know what elote is you fake mexican prick all right i apologize i apologize to kobos yesterday

i felt bad because i didn't see him after like after the reception i thought i'd see him at the uh at the after party at the bar oh he had to go to bed he was too full of corn he was there but but yeah we definitely gave it to him pretty hard for having an elote which uh normally would have been fine it's so funny that we both messaged him privately to be like hey dude it was just it was just a goof it was a goof that went too far it was a it was a it was a work that turned into a shoot at one point uh yeah we were fucking new jack on his ass dude we threw him off the cage for past transgressions we didn't protect him at one point lund has never spoken to clero kane's

husband and clero kane's husband nick nanny good guy was doing a bit where all day he would be telling people it was his birthday because it was his birthday and he was acting disappointed that he had to be at this wedding so nick is around i don't know the third switch back in line and he shouts out to us he looks at me and london he says it's my birthday and lund says who fucking cares shut up how old are you fucking 43 no one fucking cares all right just get in line look straight that's the first interaction they've ever had yeah president oh yeah yes one's running on a platform of tyranny and fear that was mostly that was mostly a bit no of course it was mostly a bit but when it's two big fat guys deep in the back of the line after 100 people have eaten us trying to be silly and

goof around does not come off the way we intended we just look fucking pissed we're just all they hear is her you know and we think we're like goofing and being silly and all people here is like mine. You know, what else was not so much a bit was when that old guy started trying to talk to me. Let's get to that. Let's get through the food line first. Well, yeah, there wasn't any elote and it sucked. We're furious. The food was great.

It wasn't nacho macho,o i think was the catering company i don't know if they have a brick and mortar or if they're a food truck or what i think they're a food ferry i think they had a steamship that you could uh paddle paddle your ass up to in the harbor colin jost and michael j put them on the ferry they purchased to go from ship to shore with nachos. But Lund pointed out a great point that this, this one kind of got my blood boiling. There was a bunch of children there who are from rural parts of America, you know, pig fuck,

Nebraska, chicken choke, Iowa, you know, places Kevin can headline. And they were the children he sired right yes there's all these like kids whose parents are bringing them to the big city for the first time and they want them to have a cultural experience you know so there's not any murals to pose in front of in

this room uh there's not any dominicans playing the violin on the train in this room so the only real cultural milestone they can achieve is being served elote from a mexican guy so there's all these fucking people being like oh okay sully do you want to try the elote it's pronounced elote it's do you want some maize kevin jr yeah you'll probably like it. These kids don't have any fucking teeth. They're too young. So then they get back to their fucking table, and they sit down, and they gum a bite off the elote,

and they go, oh, it's too spicy. So then there's one bite of an ear of corn. Spencer James style. Yeah, exactly, being thrown away because these kids well okay at least you tried it here you go have your gusher you were a good boy today did you let it get thrown away what's up were you batting cleanup were you walking around and being like oh i'll take that to the can for you we weren't allowed near the kids okay one was scaring the kids too much i stopped short of uh of scanning people's plates i looked at the plates of our friends

at our table terminator vision for them and they finished their elote but i i didn't want to see some of like mara's family or a kid's's elote where it's like a bite taken out. Because I would have been pretty upset. Did you not know if you like corn with some cheese and some spice to it? Yeah, you know if you could handle corn with mayonnaise and queso on it? Aunt Nancy? It's wild that at a party buffet situation situation they left it on the cob instead of doing like a skeet this and just serving it in a bowl i wouldn't have cared as much if it would

have been off the cob i love it on the cob me too yeah i do too but just as far as that thing like you know portion sizing like you're taking a whole cob if you're gonna have a low taste that just goes a lot quicker than if you were giving it to kids you could be like here's a scoop of some a low taste sure here's it was half a cob it was half a cob but still okay i agree that i'll bet if i if we would have walked around while people were eating and we would have seen how many bites had been taken out uh a table or two would have been flipped and an old an older uh gentleman probably would have uh had to tell us to back off yeah i would have ripped one of the curtains off the wall and choked someone out with it i would have rolled up

uncle dick in a rug and pushed him down the fucking stairs because his dentures aren't strong enough to handle the corn but he still tried it i tried it tammy you can't be mad at me i came to the city and tried some new mexi food so we got up there we mounded we pounded uh did we go for round two a lot of people are wondering that you bet your fucking ass we did we did yeah i didn't feel bad at all because there was a ton of everything else except it's funny how much did you think about the proportions of meat and uh tortilla versus elote because the meat just kept coming i mean there was just right tons of it barrels of different flavored meats and it was also not really like identifiable because it had been braised and cooked for so long so they could have been serving pelican and pigeon meat for all different flavored meats and it was also not really like identifiable because it had been

braised and cooked for so long so they could have been serving pelican and pigeon meat for all we know the elote you can identify from afar yeah it's fun to have the elote because you can do like the drumstick bit you know you can be like do do do you know you got the two handles you can be like your honor i object you know pound the gavel there's a lot of fun it can be had with an elote that we were not allowed to have who wadded out the hardest you guys or who ate the most tacos i mean pound for pound it might have been fucking kobos dude this little long-haired rat fuck in his leather tie you wore a leather tie yeah he looks like a fucking muppet

without the hand in it you know he looks like he's from sense amelia street remember that sketch of course you do becker he was your senior quote uh yeah so yeah he really ate and we had to watch him eat because we were still being patient you know we were fucking a-listers we were a-list guests at this wedding yeah for sure i mean i married the two of them i performed this ceremony yeah what do i get no elote that's for sure i frantically venmoed them way too much money at 5 a.m i waived my fee yeah you still i saw the envelope you got the rehearsal dinner there wasn't anything in it there was nothing in there except for a card daddy chuck stiffed you no there was uh

well i mean yeah i didn't get any money from uh if you're talking about mary's dad that red-faced irish fuck didn't give you a goddamn dime? No. And Marin and Kevin were going to give me some money, and I told them, don't worry about it. Wow, king of business, Nathan Lund. Well, it was the nice move. That was the move, don't you think? Yeah.

Well, I think it was a sweet thing to do. Especially because i didn't spend very much money i didn't drink the food that we ate was from was mostly from bodegas or found on the ground and uh we didn't go anywhere fancy and then i had the one uh only the two big ubers one i paid for one of them oh yeah you threw me uh you threw me a few bones hell yeah yeah because you exploited me no yeah remember you called me from the airport and you're like sammy i don't know what to do and i drank nine bottles of wine that night no they don't worry no worry baby bear i should have got you i should have known that you were wasted when you pretty much

insisted that you pay for it yeah i was no i'm kidding you're always very nice so it wasn't out of character but it was funny that you were like i got you i got you big boy just get over here just get over here and keep me warm i need someone on the top bunk making me nervous that this thing's gonna collapse oh god i was left in a jerry-rigged bunk bed at Hiker's House, Becker. What? Oh, yeah. It was definitely made from scraps from Blue Blood Season 9. It was an old set from MADtv that he erected in one of his rooms.

So every time Lund would crawl up above me, it was like, I don't know. I don't want to make another amistad reference but i was definitely in the bottom with the irish there were other ships yeah are there the nina the pinta the cadillac yeah yeah so that was scary and lund has the bladder of a very sick nine-year-old so he was off off the top of that goddamn bunk bed three or four times a night passing stones i think the only reason i don't pass stones is because i'm it's like one of the only things i do that's uh not actively killing me is i hydrate pretty good but yeah i did have to get out and creak and crawl meanwhile i didn't drink water for 48 hours all i had was natural wine and yingling for like the last 48 hours i was in new york oh god oh yeah i was i was on it who else was staying at the house uh me lund bukely bobby crane

zach moss came in very late the last night we were there and one wizard dick bread hiker okay how did you two end up being the ones that got put in a bunk bed I got there first and I've I clocked the rooms and this one had the best AC this had the most AC coverage okay so I was like well I'm sleeping in here on the bottom I demand that lunge shares a room with me so we can giggle as we fall asleep. So, yeah, that's how we got it. There were two or the other. The other option would have been a couch, a small couch down below and then another bunk up top situation. So or using hikers dick is a pillow.

Yeah. Sam got like a guy. Was that like a king-sized bed it was a big bed down there oh no it was just uh it was probably like california queen the old paris hilton of mattresses but uh lund blasted an old man because he was so grumpy about the food situation that was very fun it wasn't uh it wasn't because it was directly related to the food situation no don't fucking i guess it was this it was around the same time but but i think i would have said it something no matter what because it just felt creepy and it's like yeah this is uh you know one of four events you've gone to this year.

And the other three are funerals. So yeah, just an older guy and was like, I don't know. Maybe it was nice that he went up to Bukley. And he's like, are you seeing anybody? Are you in a relationship? She said, no, I'm single. And he was like, what are these guys, crazy? That's crazy.

And I just didn't want him to go on and on. You know, I didn't want to hear it for another five minutes. And so I snapped at him. What did I say? You said, yeah, maybe if you weren't a hundred years old, you'd have a chance. Maybe if you weren't a hundred, she would dance with you later. You're my hero. He's just trying to make a special needs girl feel pretty all right

and you cut him off right away she might she might have gotten sugar babied no no and she would have slept with that guy for 500 bucks i would i would imagine easy all right and what part of it was i i i imagined him saying something not that bukley didn't look pretty she did she looked gorgeous but uh i imagined him saying something similar to like nine other people and it's just annoying to me he's like shut up just take it all in like i am put some sunglasses on nobody knows where you're looking nobody knows how long you're glancing you know like that and instead he has to verbalize it and it's like get out of here

tell your story walking why don't you go enjoy your elote old man i wish i left my mirrored sunglasses on for the wedding because i had them there so much more peeping and peeking if i had those on but no i did the gentleman's choice what you're calling me a savage i look no no yours weren't yours weren't mirrored people could still see your eyes remember we did this experiment i pulled out my balls and i said all right take a peek yep i see where your eyes are okay well yeah i just could have been a lot more flagrant in my perversion if i left the mirrored lenses on because i was walking around new york and i don't know if you heard about this

becker but uh bras are illegal in the island of new york i did not know oh yeah so they're swinging flopping bopping around just uh it's like a fucking flamenco band up there so you know but the issue is is i would forget because the sunglasses are new to me i would forget that when i left a building i didn't have my sunglasses on anymore and i would just be staring at someone's nipples hanging out the side of their tank top and it would be a big whoopsie you know because uh i'm not mirrored people can definitely see what i'm up to my shorts are getting tighter and tighter. I'm bulging. I'm bulging. I'm deflating.

Yeah. And free. Uh-huh. I'm just making, yeah. And New York is so crazy as far as just everywhere you go, you're going to pass by like six to 30, you know, depending on how long your walk is, you're going to see some beautiful women of all stripes, all different shapes and colors and sizes of bazoingas.

And God, what a time, what a time in this big city, the opposite of Trinidad is what they call New York. It's so humid that everyone's wearing a wet T-shirt. You know, everyone's just everyone's just sweated through. Oh, yeah. I was burning through T-shirts.

I went through like three T-shirts a day. I just pulled out my microphone out of my backpack and I was stuffing all my fucking sweated through T's in there. And my God, was it a fungal bacchanal in this fucking backpack i gotta throw my bag away it reeks in there it smells like hockey gear oh no why didn't you unpack god megan makes fun of me for unpacking like as soon as we get home or doesn't really make fun of me but just says how she's not she never wants to do it right away it's like you got to do it you especially had to do it right away oh yeah i should have but no i was too busy uh laying completely still for 40 hours i was too busy gaming with my sweet ass

switch on the big screen we're playing the ninja turtles game no zelda i'm on the zelda okay yeah new shredders revenge rules yeah yeah no i've heard tell of it people are talking about it in the bodegas you know in the catholic churches i frequent but uh yeah dude yeah no i'm i'm still a zelda guy so let's here's here's i'll just walk you through my trip in new York real quick. I land Wednesday night, and I take a car from LaGuardia, best damn airport in that fucking city, and I go to Kevin and Mara's show. Whack-Em-Shack. Is that what it's called?

Whack-Em-Shack-Em. Whack-Em-Shack-Em robots. Yeah, Whack-Em-Shack-Em flowbots. Flowbots were there. So as I'm in the car, Emily is calling me. And I'm trying to talk to a nice Sikh man driving, talking about he's telling me how Hindus are cowards and stuff like that.

His knife is reserved for the next Hindu that crosses him. Yeah, he has his sword and his turban, and he him confused and he keeps his hair keeps getting shorter and shorter. Keeps mixing up his birthrights. So what do they have the little knife for? I can't remember because they're the warriors. Infidels. OK, yeah. the little knife for i can't remember because they're the warriors okay yeah i mean honestly the way that sikhs have framed it to me neither the muslim or hindu contingents in uh india would

exist if it weren't for them defending both of those sides against the others because the muslims would come down and try and blast uh the hindus but the the Sikhs who are in northern India would defend the Hindus, would defend the borders. This is all, you know, who knows? Anyway. You're making all of this up. No, no, no.

I love to talk to my turbaned drivers because they will tell you exactly how they feel about a bunch of people. They lay it on the line about the Pakistanis, the Malaysians. They do not bite their tongues. And every now and then, if you play a play a flute snake comes out of their hat but anyway you know i have my my slide whistle on me just for that reason so emily's calling me so i finally answer and emily's like you have to come

home you have to come home right now and i'm like why and Emily's like, you have to come home. You have to come home right now. And I'm like, why? And she's like, Gordy's lips are blue. Gordy's gums are blue. We have to put them down. And I was like, I'm looking at flights. I'm like, baby, I can't get home until I can't land until 10 a.m. tomorrow.

So she's like, all right, well, the v's coming over uh right now we're doing this thing so i'm like oh good you know um so then i have to watch on facetime as uh the vet comes over and uh puts gordy um into a pillow into a pillowcase and then wax his head with a hammer no as Gordy's being put down and Katerina Emily's cousin is holding the camera

and you know Emily's crying she's holding him the vet gives him the jab and this is the only thing that this anyway it was a difficult thing to watch

but Katarina at one point as we know we've discussed how Katarina is a beautiful young woman she switched up the camera she flipped it the wrong way and for like 10 seconds the camera was positioned directly on her breasts and i thought that was gordy uh gordy's angel uh gordy's guardian angel uh on earth uh rewarding daddy for taking him on so many walks um because there were various moments

during this time where you know they would be like doing something very sincere and I'd be like can't see anything can't see you know like the camera is like face down on the couch I can't see so I did not say can't see during this 10 second interlude I just took it as a sign that there is a heaven. But yeah, I took a lot of screenshots of Emily holding the dog as he was being killed. And I just want to say thank you to everyone for reaching out. I didn't post about it because I don't want my grief

to become someone else's grief. But you know, my close friends and a bunch of the fan base hit me up. Becker said nothing, so that hurt. Becker's not a dog guy. Yeah, Becker, I saw he liked Emily's post, but he didn't

say anything to me, even though I thought we were friends. Carlos Madrid put an offer in for the body. i don't know what he has planned he's got some pineapple that's about to go bad so he wants to make some al pastor in albuquerque they eat their dead dog they fry them up that's a that's a kirky tradition that's just that's just kirky baby that's that duke city vindaloo uh but yeah no uh i just you know anyway so yeah gordy is uh he's in hell i assume he's down below uh you know he wasn't he wasn't baptized so that's not good he wasn't baptized in a traditional church but uh hopefully i hope he's working

in hell i hope they were like look gordy you can either go to heaven and scamper and eat all the fucking you know blood-soiled panties you can find buddy because that was his favorite snack was uh emily on the rag and him munching out of the hamper that was a real treat for the dog man him slurping spaghetti yeah we would just find shredded panties in his dumps and be like oh i didn't i didn't know it was your time of the month you know hopefully they're like yeah you can go up there and run free with all the dogs from Homeward Bound or you can work for the devil

in hell, butt-fucking Hitler. And Gordy's like, put that fucking cock ring on, Satan. I'm going in. And he's just down there with his paws behind his head just freaking American psycho-ing behind Hitler right now. That's what I'm going in and he's just down there with his paws behind his head. Just American psychoing behind Hitler right now. That's what I'm hoping for.

Yeah. And I'm kidding about Becker. Becker did the right thing. Cause he didn't want to remind me that my dog was a dirt. So it's the hardest thing that you have to do. I think because your parents, your friends, you don't see them as much. I know that they're people and this is a dog, but you see your dog every fucking day.

Most of the day, you know, you feed them and you fucking walk them and you pick up their shit and throw it away if you're not a total and god that bond and it does suck to have a bunch of friends online because or the downside of having a bunch of friends is that you see every dog that dies every and it's like grandparents and then it's parents and that's your you know your brother or whatever you see all these posts it's like god damn i did not need to know about 1500 dogs dying in the last year and a half or whatever and also i don't really care about anyone else's dog i know that's a controversial statement i don't give a shit about anyone else's dog uh i just care about my dog so i don't want to put that on people who are empathetic and who are like decent human beings

Um I was talking To Hiker the night of Gordy's uh euthanasia You know when we Stan hoped We gave him Stan Hope's mom treatment you know Yeah put him put him down Yeah we just blasted him with fentanyl Uh sent him off like all Becker's

Buddies you know High as a kite But uh sentinel uh sent him off like all becker's buddies you know i have the kite yep but uh yeah i was like hey hiker do you know any falconers he was like uh yeah like i do i was like okay here's my preference for killing the dog is we just let him loose in the backyard and you get your falconer buddy to go wait in the alley and uh a fucking falcon comes and swoops up my boy and takes him off to valhalla that's what i want that's the way i want gordy to go is uh is thinking he's fucking tripping looking down at the earth you know until falcon eats his eyes that's the best way for a dog to go is in the sky having a heart attack as opposed to on the couch.

And also when you kill your dog, they shit. So we didn't wrap him in a towel. We just had to flip the cushion because Gordy made mud on the fucking couch before he went on the hill. Where was the vet? I don't know. What's Katarina's problem? There's three doctors in the room. There was the vet.

There was her husband. There was Emily. There's Katarina who works in a fucking veterinarian's uh office no one thought to wrap him up an american flag you have so many american flags here was he was he still awake when he shit because if he shit high on fentanyl that was the ultimate way out um yeah that's what i'm gonna remember i'm gonna hope it was that one yeah dude that was the best shit the dog ever took i think they literally gave him the michael jackson drug i think he gets propranolol propranolol whoa dude because like the vet is a friend of the family so

she came over and like you know fucking let him feel like prince felt those last couple hours dude gordy went out like a drug king he did um so yeah anyway guys i am uh we i'm selling parts of gordy to the uh the patreon listeners um join the patreon patreon.com slash showy behemoth if you want to uh get a paw or a tooth, there's very few teeth left. But Gordy, I loved you. And I hope I never see you again. I remember when we still lived by each other in Denver. I remember those days too. I think you were like, oh, I got to walk Gordy.

And then I had to go do something else. And so we headed out and you were or no i like came upon you but gordy was like just sniffing and sniffing and i was like where are you guys gonna go and you were like i'm i just like gordy dictate where we go like how far where we go i was like that, that's insane. And you're like, yeah, I like smelling stuff. And I was like, yeah, but like, you got to give them some exercise. So you have to like be the, literally the bigger person

and the person who knows what the hell's going on. You're like, no, I just let them sniff. And apparently, I've seen quite a few people say, animal people say that you are not supposed to drag them along. You're supposed to let them smell. Yeah yeah they have their own little secret lives they have their olfactory memory sites they want to check in on and also i was the first alpha to ever walk this little bag of bones you know emily her mom her sister they were walking him so he just fucking dictated what they did

and also i hated fucking yanking him. You know, I hated giving them the old heave ho, the beheading yank. So yeah, I just let him kind of decide where we were off to, you know, maybe he found one of those, those chicken wing bones on Colfax that you had a half an hour on back in

the day. Gordy, Gordy went to, he started his life in a Canadian puppy mill, came down to Detroit on a garbage barge, was scooped up by a young Emily Talent, who didn't have him back then. So, you know, he wasn't getting all the milk that he needed. And then, you know, I met Emily,

and she was allowed to bring him back into her life. And he shipped on down to Denver and he lived in Denver. He lived in Fort Collins. He lived in Las Vegas. He went to New Orleans. He went to San Diego. He had a good run, man. We took him all over this this great country of ours.

So he got no regrets. You flew with them, right? No, no. He would hitchhike. You dipshit. No, I didn't know. I didn't know if you were in the car. What the fuck are you talking about? I didn't know if you were in a car.

Remember cars? Gordy was train hopping to meet up with us in these various locales. Sometimes you guys drove places, correct? Answer the question. Gordy flew private. He was on Epstein's plane to meet up with us. Seems like he would have been a nightmare on the plane.

Cause he was great. He was a whiner. We doped him up. And also I didn't know I was going to talk about this, but I got home on July 4th and in a last ditch effort to save Gordy's life, the last three days he was alive in order to help his blood pressure we were feeding him sidenafil now Becker do you know

what sidenafil is it sounds familiar but I don't know give it a google so you can tell the folks at home what sidenafil is just say it no no let becker uh do a little work over there you throw him a bone give him something to do so he feels useful sildenafil yeah sildenafil aka i'm i'm trying to figure it out hold on was it s-i-o d viagra bingo that's why i know the name yeah gordy was on viagra for the last three days of his life and when i went to pick it up at the vet uh or not the vet at the fucking king supers pharmacy the lady was like do you have any questions about this and i was like kind of giggling and I was like, it's Viagra, right? And she was like, yeah.

And I was like, is he going to suffer any of the side effects from this drug? And she was like, well, that's not out of the realm of possibility. So when Gordy died, he was rocked up beyond belief gordy died with the biggest fucking dog boner i've ever seen in my life it was like his dick saved up all of its inches for this one last hurrah. This blazing salvo that he put up. I mean, it was not lipstick.

This was a cherry popsicle. All right. Of course, his lips were blue. All the blood in his body was downtown trying to catch a bus so Emily's trying to have this like sweet poignant moment with our baby boy and I'm just watching it over facetime she's like goodbye I love you thank you for everything and he has a giant dog it's fully on 100% torqued god when you saw his view for 10 seconds so you know that

well he went out he definitely got to go out on top so he went out on top well he was a homosexual so i don't think that did it for him he was probably thinking about you know the uh all the boys on home improvement you know he's just cycling through the three of them they're pro and cons yeah he went through the whole uh tgif lineup he's thinking about writer strong jonathan taylor thomas uh urkel you know patrick duffy patrick duffy the duff man yeah well friedel bingo yeah jonathan silverman yeah they gave him a show every six months remember that back yeah yeah stop trying to make jonathan silverman work. Yeah. So anyway, Gordy's gone.

So that night I kept it pretty cool. That was Wednesday night. The next day was Thursday. I wouldn't have lunch with Tim Dillon. He had the lobster three ways. And then I walked all over Manhattan for a while. Have you guys ever seen people play handball competitively? No, dude. It's a guys ever seen people play handball competitively? No.

Dude, it's crazy. Legion handball or like wall handball? Like wall ball. You know like they play in prison? I haven't seen that competitively. Dude, I was just walking by some park in lower Manhattan and it was just a fucking feeding frenzy.

It's all these dudes who are super jacked because they for sure fell in love with the game while incarcerated. And they're cooking chicken. They're fucking drinking beers. They're rolling blunts and stuff. But I watched for like an hour, and I saw like $400 change hands on one game. It's like highly competitive handball gambling. And it's just a whole ecosystem i never

knew existed so that was a fun thing to find out about nice yeah there's a white guy they call him trump he doesn't like it yeah is that real yeah that was 100 real he tried to call a guy jay-z and like eight dudes turned on him and he wasn't allowed to play the next game shit yeah how much money did you lose i did not i didn't so that was me like i was here's how i was walking around uh i was walking around in a like a 5x uh kind of camouflage tropical shirt and uh you know like a boonie hat you know camouflage tropical remember that shirt i wore to the rehearsal dinner lund oh yeah i was in that shirt yeah i was also wearing a pair of blue jeans because to go to lunch with the place where tim dillon wanted to go to lunch i had to wear pants so it's me in blue jeans that are sweated through. Just fucking dark blue diaper on.

Where'd you get them? I brought them with me. They were like an $8 pair of blue jeans I had. I'm sure they appreciated that. They think they've got you figured out. They're like, I'm going to make them cover up. And then $8. Yeah.

I'm going to make them cover up. And then $8. Yeah. So I'm watching in like a safari hat, terrible novelty size shirt, blue jeans. So believe it or not, I did not ask any questions. I didn't try and insert myself.

They would have just blasted you into oblivion. Oh yeah. I mean, they called him Trump what they called me you know something john badman yeah jesus christ well it's early john uh john turdman tush limbaugh remember i'm just looking for some tush oh yeah i'm just looking for some tush could have been bush should have been bush should have been bush and then when did you get in oh yeah you got in the next day i went and did are you garbage shout out to all the are you garbage people i plugged the podcast welcome everyone also a great episode it's a great episode carlos

madrid hit me up frantically the next day And was like you didn't plug the podcast essay And I was like yes I did Carlos Listen to it back And he was like oh very good Carlos Muy bien So yeah thank you for Being on that Carlos I love you

And also for commenting on all the Are You Garbage stuff Listen to Shovey Behemoth I appreciate you buddy Did that then I did Stuff filing with Tommy Pope I love you. And also for commenting on all the, are you garbage stuff? Listen to Chevy behemoth. I appreciate you, buddy. Uh, did that. Then I did stuff filing with Tommy Pope. Uh, Chris, I recorded another podcast,

which will not be coming out, which I don't want to talk about. Um, and then, uh, Tommy and Chris O'Connor and I drank fucking nine bottles of natural wine. So by the time lunch showed up, I wasn't annoying.

I wasn't loud. i wasn't stupid i was totally cool right do you uh concur i mean it was fine like it it wasn't it wasn't bad like oh my god this piece of shit you know but what did there was something that you wanted oh you were talking about like pissing while we walked and and you thought better of that. And then I don't know. Yeah, you weren't like littering or screaming shit. Oh, yeah, you got annoyed because I think you went by a couple different people and would say something. Or as you were talking to us, you would like say something to them.

And when they didn't respond, you were like, oh, yeah, fuck me. And it's like, dude, nobody does that here. Nobody just like it gets a stranger in on the bit. I was street riffing. Yeah. And nobody cared. And you were like, oh, yeah, well, fuck me. I was Billy on the street.

Yeah. Fuck you. For real. That's the home of man on the street content i was doing it i was doing it live yeah nobody wanted to hear what you had to say in your glow-in-the-dark mark schlereth jersey well hiker said that i was acting a fool when we went down by the water i was like humping the dog or something. I was like, oh, yeah. You were definitely trying to get a lot out of, hey, look, I'm fucking this dog.

And luckily, the group of youth that were further along down the pier did not set their sights on us or else we could have ended up in the water. No, no one fucks with the white rhino. we could have ended up in the water. No, no one fucks with the white Rhino. There were three of us and like 15 of them. Yeah. Well,

I can handle my shiz. I would have told him that I'm like, look, man, you don't want to step to me. I handle my shit. And then they just wail on you. Yeah. They just cut me with knives.

Pummel you. They take my, they take my jeans on you. Yeah, they just cut me with knives. Pummel you. They take my jeans. You weren't... They strip my dungarees off. Put them up a flagpole. Size of those jeans, kid. We're doing you a favor. You can never wear these again now.

And that's a net positive. No, you were okay i mean you were i don't know loud and proud but you weren't like motor mouth you went and laid down we threw balls at your head yeah you guys took turns throwing balls at my face as i tried to just listen from the bed oh it was funny it was not that was a mean thing to do no yeah i'm laughing yeah i didn't it was a big uh light inflated ball it was nothing and then hiker whipped a hacky sack at you and yeah luckily he missed luckily he missed so all transgressions are forgotten because he's got a fucking limp wrist he had the better angle too i was surprised that i nailed it because i kind of had to go around the

door frame yeah you blasted me hard and it hurt my feelings and my face no it didn't hurt at all you guys took advantage of a fallen ally uh oh yeah you broke you broke plant edge and had a bunch of meat you're acting like lobster wasn't meat it i mean it kind of walks the line between meat flesh and seafood yeah lobster's not meat i don't feel bad about eating lobster yeah you feel bad about uh chicken over rice i did you saw me i didn't finish my chicken over rice because i was like halfway through it and i was like oh no this is meat dude becker becker the bodega closest to hiker has like euro over rice chicken over and it's incredible and it's like 750 you know for just this two pound tray of food it's so fucking awesome damn yeah lamb over rice the whole scene falafel over rice if you're

like me and you're conscious um just like a good meal falafel rules oh yeah you would have gone off dude you would have gotten like six orders this lamb over rice and eat it about a bucket you would have had to eat it in the bathtub because of what what a mess you would have been those bagels bagels were incredible they were fine you've got the better half of that deal me and london the sandwich swap where he got half mine and i got half his and he went into this he looked at my sandwich and he was like oh my god that looks really good wow good for you sam you ordered a good sandwich that looks fun mine's mine's good too i'm liking mine a lot i'm really liking this um i took pity on him and i was

like do you want to do a half and half and he was like i guess you know i want you to enjoy this this delicious sandwich that i'm eating over here i was like all right so yeah i fucking i still regret that i regret giving you half of my big sandwich i do i've been thinking about it the reason that you did the swap is because you figured i took pity on you typically correctly i get the better thing or like the best thing and you blow it and that's what you think yes you've you've admitted to that dude i think chances i'm an artist who takes risks yeah you got a fucking turkey sandwich at a deli so yeah you were right you had to eat sideways

because they mounted it so high yours was yours meanwhile you got what like two slices of pastrami with some shitty scrambled eggs mine was good it would have been better with some freaking cream cheese you're sucked it was tasty you're welcome just say thank you that's all you gotta say yours was fucking good just say hey thanks you i know that you were the fucking you were babe in the big city you came to town you know not knowing what you were doing and i had to hold your hand so you didn't get kidnapped i was a little worried uh uh when i when i went into jfk i planned on taking the train because i thought that the difference in time between a car and the train was negligible it was like when i looked earlier in the day but then i think the the later uh train schedule made it so that it would have been an hour and a half

and a car was going to be like a half hour so i was like i gotta do the i gotta do the car even though it's gonna be expensive so i start started walking back from the train to the cars. And there's this dude who's jacked, who's standing there. And he was like, you need a car? And I was like, yeah, dude, I was going to take the train, but it's going to take too long. He's like, all right, man, where are you going to go? And I show him, he's like, all right, this can be 70 bucks. It's like, God damn it.

I thought he was going to give me a fucking deal because I've had a feeling we were going to do this off the app and so i thought i was going to get to pay a little bit less money but he he was right in saying that he was right there i would have had to wait for some amount of time for uh for a driver to show up so we took off we got out of there and he drove like a goddamn maniac like a dominican dale earnhardt just fucking el diablo no rules no turn signals no gods no masters and i love the ablo i loved it he fucking didn't give a shit you know and so that was fun so you got picked up by a gypsy cab driver and fleeced no i didn't get fleeced because i paid i paid what i would have paid as soon as you got away from my purview and you're just taking turns

with all your holes but i was a little worried like back of my head i'm like there's like little to no way that this dude is going to kill me right you know or harvest me or you know yeah well he's not going to human traffic you because uh just the shipping costs alone would have put him in the red nobody nobody wants this slab of meat before we go we have to talk about what we did on the day before the wedding lund which was try and find you an outfit in brooklyn my god that was fun for me to watch they don't know your size yeah i knew it was gonna be i knew so i so yeah i didn't have uh any shirt that was really gonna work for the wedding uh or i i had one shirt but i've had it for a long time

so i wanted something better wanted something that really popped while i was going to be up there in between the lovely couple you know all eyes on me you know like you see mary you see kevin you're like great but then your eye is drawn to the man in the middle always on glee and so i wanted to i wanted to uh not blow it and so so I asked, or I told Mera, I was going to try to get something. Cause you know, as if you follow us on Instagram, you know, that the 10 penny down here has a Chevelle hoodie right now. So they, they weren't, they didn't have anything that was really going to be okay for this, for this ceremony.

Yeah. There's a ceremony in Brooklyn, which the theme was like art disco nouveau funky fresh yeah you can just say john waters yeah pretty much yeah it was like a fitzgeraldian twist it's like kevin just say it's fucking dashikis or nothing all right kevin didn't embarrass himself he did a good job yeah he looked very nice they both did they looked great in those photographs so we went into one like buffalo exchange adjacent place

shut up oh you're yelling at your dog sorry my alive dogs are barking it must be so hard on you that they want to hang out with you so yeah we went in and know, they don't have anything for guys like us. I knew it was going to be tough in Brooklyn, but I also thought there's some bigger guys in this town. Maybe I will have the pick of the big boy section because, you know know most of these smaller sizes will be picked over

of course that's not the case they have like one extra large shirt it doesn't fit right every wad knows better than to go in and also so we went to the first one went to the second one which was buffalo exchange they try and swap you for a bison um so anyway we we we get in there and the only shirt that Lund finds is a... Rock-A-Wear brand. What would you call it? Those pockets make it... You were leaning back, bro. You were leaning back so hard.

I had to. Pulling up your pants. I pulled up my pants. Did you get some lugs, too? I leaned back all over town. And a Kangol hat. He had a big dookie rope chain on. I had to play.

I had to fight like Def Jam Vendetta. Yeah, you went to the rehearsal dinner looking like Biz Marquis. Def Jam Vendetta. Yeah, you went to the rehearsal dinner looking like Biz Markie. So yeah, Lon shows up at the rehearsal dinner wearing this Rockaway shirt, and as soon as we walk in, I'm like, hey, everyone,

look at Lon. Oh yeah, Sam is wearing, Sam not invited to the rehearsal dinner, not a part of the wedding party, but gets in there anyway, weas's in there. And then he's wearing that camel

Hawaiian shirt, which it was so bad. And it was way bigger than it needed to be. It looked dumb as hell. in a survival move to avoid the first comment being about him he immediately yells out hey check out lun shirt and it's like look at your shirt motherfucker at least i had something cuff my sleeves so that it almost looks okay yeah there was there was an elaborate

cuffing situation so lun's wearing this rock aware shirt and then also and it says like rock aware all over it it's like fucking i don't know pink rose and then to complete the look he's wearing his no no boundaries paternity pants the sweatpants with the cuffed ankle. Yeah, no, that's not cuffed, right? Yes, dude. No. Elastic bands at the end? It's like a stretchy material around the ankle.

So that when your feet swell up due to your nine-month pregnancy, they can expand with the pant they're in man you've seen them around stupid i was the one who looked dumb you're right you did you looked dumb as hell i looked pretty cool i was pulling it off uh shout out to uh mayor's dad chuck he ruled he had a lot of fun stuff to say he sounded like this he talked like this he sounded like kristen rant kristen lost her voice night zero like before she lost it like before the rehearsal dinner yeah she showed up to rehearsal dinner just horse as hell and it was like yeah were you at a fucking rave last night why is your voice gone yeah she was screaming at west to remind him

which side of the baby the diaper goes on since she's been gone oh that's that's the head west that's his head and then her car got stolen just like her voice um so all in all i will say a great weekend in new york uh listen to the are York. Listen to the Are You Garbage? Listen to the Stuffed Island when it comes out. We also cooked puttanesca, which means dirty slut sauce, I found out. Because it's all capers and sardines, so it just reeks like a

bike-ridden pussy. And if you want more Chubby Behemoth content, go to patreon.com slash chubbybehemoth and sign up for that patreon lun tell them what they get uh for five dollars a month you get our patreon episodes there's usually every four a month that's right for a month baby so yeah get in there uh five fucking bucks we just had to try and do ascend me becker and lunn want to get rich as fuck and act

like we don't know nobody all right yeah so sign up for that shit doing all this traveling i want to make my money at home yeah i just want to bury myself in dirt and just be a head that emily comes up to and puts food in my mouth and every now and then drops one of her sweet titties right in the lips of and then she just like she's like a wet nurse so i just get my sustenance i'm a little ground mole that just slips off my wife's bosom and i can't get hard because i'm compacted with dirt i'm just deep in the dirt whenever i get hard there's a tectonic shift so yeah join the patreon it rocks you guys rock chevy behemoth forever You guys rock.

Chevy Behemoth forever. Lund Nation. Peace be to all the Beckers out there. Hit me up for some stickers. I still have stickers. They're great. Yes. Lund Sticker Empire is getting off the ground.

I fucked up. I got too many, apparently, because I thought maybe 100 of you would want these. And instead, there's more like 20. Yeah. So, uh, yeah, get the stickers and, live from New York.

It's Saturday night.