Chubby Behemoth - Rogue Male Elephant

Episode Date: January 17, 2025

SPONSOR: Support the show and get 10% off your 1st TUSHY bidet order. Use code CHUBBY at https://www.hellotushy.com/chubby   BONUS EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   This week Sam and Becker are reporting late. Sam proposes that Becker bite Nathan on the neck to infect him, sabotaged his own slime for a child’s joy, and decides he has to lose weight OR ELSE. Becker tries to figure out when and who put the hex on him, updates Sam on Lund’s vision for church life, and comes up with a sandwich lie to motivate a friend. He doesn’t eat anymore, he feeds. Undercooked chicken out of a trash can. Pouch Diet?   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Mutiny Coffee: [e-mail]

Hello? Hey! Alright, Becker. Hey. Destroying any chance we ever had with the algorithm by blowing a huge, boofy blaster in the immediate moments of the podcast. Thank you, Becker. No, we're fine.

We're not monetized. The algorithm doesn't fuck with us that deep. How do we get in this goddamn algorithm? We'd have to... The hoops we'd jump through for that would not be worth it. What do we do? Why don't we monetize? Why aren't we getting rich off our podcasts like every other idiot?

We'd have to edit. Most people that are getting rich off it aren't monetizing. Well, what about all these ad dollars I keep hearing about? I'd like to add some dollars to my bank account. I'm cash broke, Becker. Well, we've got an ad read this week, so you're in luck. I'm upside down. It's not looking good. I'm cash broke, Becker. Well, we've got an ad read this week, so you're in luck. I'm upside down. It's not looking good. I'm sorry. Me too. Yeah, but you've always been cash broke. I'm the rich guy on the pod.

Yeah, that's true. I buy and sell you guys. I keep you in giant novelty-sized joints and Lund in giant novelty novelty size pants. He's getting tremendously fat. We need to figure out how do we get all this sweet, sweet cheddar that's flying around out there? Bobby Lee's going in a golden helicopter. Yeah. Inter Santino travels via the inside of a whale. What do we do?

Much more active Patreon somehow. Our Patreon is great. I love the Patreon everyone listening on patreon Thank you saving my life Yeah, yeah, yeah, we know your life. You're sick mystery element. I'm the one who needs a little bit of ching-ching I've lost seven pounds since Tuesday Okay, wow. Here's a very small violin Poor guy. It does suck

I'd like weighed myself hoping I'd gained weight because I ate a bunch of steak and ice cream every night and thought I was pulling a move. Maybe your belly wouldn't hurt if you weren't eating lumberjack breakfast for dinner. My belly hasn't. They put me on Prednisone for my ear shit. They should put you on PrEP for your butt stuff. I'm starving and I thought the extra calories and me keeping it down every would have been like a pound or two in the bank instead of seven gone. You know what you should do is you should bite Nathan on the neck and see if you can infect him with whatever is ailing you. Whatever ancient curse you bear, you should try and give to the big man.

Dude, it would be helpful. I'm down 105 pounds now. Jesus Christ. What I would do to be down 105 pounds. What did you do? Insult a gypsy at a carnival? I don't know, dude. Did I do something terrible in Japan that none of us remember?

Do you have thinner? I could. Oh no. I could totally be a hex. I could have offended that guy that was serving bonzo the fucking the Cobra booze at night. I mean watch him you were offending a lot of people while you were over there I realized when I was over this last time Just how insane you smoking all over the city was

I I smoked where other people were smoking 90 percent of the time. You would fire one up if you felt the whimsy. Let's be honest. If I saw someone smoking, if I saw a person that didn't look American smoking, I would feel allowed. I don't remember anyone smoking at the Gundam except for one guy with side burns. That's one of the 10% of the time where I was just blasting. I will agree with that. I don't remember anyone smoking in front of our Airbnb in Koreatown.

There was ashtrays. Ashes, ashes. This story all falls down. You were going for it, but that's neither here nor there. I don't know what possibly could have cursed you. Maybe it was that guy on the Patreon who said, I put a curse on you, Becker. Could be him. Remember him?

Yep. I wonder what I'd have to do to undo that. I don't know. Probably say that Legion of Skanks is the number one podcast. Something like that. There's this strange rumor that Legion of Skanks won't have me on the show. I'd like to dispel that because the last two or three times I've been in New York on a Monday, it was in the summer when they're all fucking off to Jamaica. There's a standing offer. I will gladly do Legion of Skanks. The Skank community has

embraced me. Skank and Pickle, a ska band from back in the day. Very good ska band. Skanks for the Memories, the best comedy album ever. If it's Skanks, I'm into it. We know that. I've been watching a lot of, speaking of Skanks for the Memories, a lot of old tough crowd. Yeah, you are sick. That's been my go to sleep thing lately, is I'll just put on like three tough crowds because

they're only like 20 minutes with the ads gone. Yeah. I mean, tough crowds are very good. I wouldn't want to fall asleep to it. Uh-oh. Did you hear that? No. Are you hearing these notifications I'm receiving?

No. Dude, I was over at fucking Susanna's house, well, I guess Hannah's house. Susanna's been crashing there for a while And the last thing Susanna said to me tonight was do you want me to throw coffee on you and burn you? that was like That was like a goodbye that she gave me. Oh, that's she that's great that you guys have that relationship I love that so much. Well a lot of tonight was her leading me around on a leash because I was her dog, which was great because I had to crawl around on hardwood floors on my hands and knees.

That was a blast. She put me in jail various times. I mixed some slime with some Play-Doh, which I know people are wondering, what are you doing? Have you lost your touch? Let me walk you through it. For Christmas, Susanna received a slime box that was as big as, I don't know, a screen door.

Whoa. It was a box of slime and various embellishments, a lot of different slimes in there, so many embellishments. So she's been saving this thing for me because I haven't seen her since Christmas Eve. So I get over to Hannah's house tonight, that slime box, we crack it right away. A huge mess is made. I make a slime, Susanna makes a slime,

Hannah makes what you could call a slime if you'd never fucking held slime before. It was a total embarrassment, God bless her, but she's not a slime girl. So then Susanna gets out the judging crown and it's like a blindfold that goes over your eyes and we have to pick out what the best slime is by touch and smell. So in a blind touch and smell test, my pink slime won three consecutive crowns in a row. All three of us went, all three of us blind picked the pink slime. Susanna starts weeping.

She's very upset because no one likes her slime. All right. So about 20 minutes of her crying, me pretending to eat the slime, nothing's working. You know? So I say, hey, you ever mix Play-Doh and slime? Now Becker, have you ever mixed Play-Doh with slime? Now, Becker, have you ever mixed Play-Doh with slime? No, but I'm excited. Okay, don't be.

Because as any true slime-tripreneur, anyone in the greater slime community, your goos, your gunks, whatever it is, anything you need adhesive remover to use afterward, if you mix slime with Play-Doh, the slime falls apart. There's something in the Play-Doh. I don't know if it's the salt. I don't know if it's the dough or the play. Could be the hyphen, but either way, the slime just completely comes apart. Oh, that sucks.

Well, I said, hey, why don't we mix my slime with Play-Doh? And then my slime fell apart. It got all over my hands. It took me about 10 minutes to finally get it off. Hannah had to get out Goo Gone to remove it from me, thereby destroying my slime so that hers could become Belle of the Ball. Nice. You're a good man.

And what do I receive for that? Uh, she stole $20 from me. Um, let's see. Oh, she, how'd she fucking get 20 bucks from you? What was the big scheme? She ran a flea market on her trampoline. Okay. Uh, she was selling a purse. She was selling a ring.

She was selling a bracelet. I said, how much for the ring? She said, show me your wallet. I pull out my wallet thinking, well, there's nothing in here. Joke's on her. Nope. A rogue $20 bill. It's been sitting in there since I went to the Orient.

I say, oh, I have some money. She says, it's $20. Okay. So in return for this shitty ring, she took a 20. The next move will be selling you back things she stole from you while you were at the house. Yeah, she's done that. She's definitely held my cell phone ransom. But she was doing a thing where she would pretend to heat up a pancake tin and then hit me with it and I'd have to act like I was burnt. Well just about after about 10 good whacks of that goddamn pancake tin, I quit selling

it. I'm not doing the job anymore. So what does she do? She hits me broad, you know, not broad side. She hits me with the thin side, right in the left testicle. Did you puke? Did you fall to the ground? Uh, no, I did sit on the arm of the couch and she said, it's not bad. It's not bad. And then Hannah came in the room and she said, Susanna, what'd you do? And then Hannah came in the room and she said, Susanna, what'd you do? I said, she hit me in the place she's not supposed to hit.

And Susanna said, you hit him in the face? And I said, no. And then I got to tell the story about Mr. Belvedere sitting on his balls to my niece. I said, she's like, it hurts? And I was like, there was a famous actor who once sat on his privates and they couldn't make his movies anymore. And Hannah was like, what? And I was like, Mr. Belvedere.

So yes, I've returned to. Oh, so the button here, it's barely even a touch. Yeah, it's really nice. It's going to change my marijuana coughs completely. Dude, this is going to be big. What about Lund's burping? Dude, he gets on one of the... falling in and out. It's a whole new life.

Yep, and whenever I want to talk about the... I can really let him have it. They'll just know from the lighting now. Uh-huh. Yeah. Uh-oh, the saying at light went off. Now, Becker, we're doing this podcast because my family failed me all last week and also Tommy Pope and I were too busy becoming commercial actors to get one yesterday. That's fair.

Luckily, I did go to my sources and I got a collection of Ask Becker questions. Oh, nice. You went and got them off the... Did you make sure they weren't ones we already did? I went to my sources. I didn't go to the Patreon for this because this is a free episode. Okay. Yeah. Well, what's the first one?

Hit me with one. Okay. So the first one from Karma Addict says, Becker, when did you first know that you were a gay loser? Oh, man. That's more recent. Okay. That's like the last six or seven years is when I really accepted being a loser.

Really? Yeah. It's more fun. Huh. Because I feel like you have really blossomed in the last five years since this podcast has happened to you. I mean, I have more fun. I just don't...

Being cool is... I have more fun, he says, and then stares into the middle distance. Oh, I was looking for a cigarette. I have no concern with being cool anymore. Everything I like is stupid, and everyone else is wrong for not appreciating it, but I just don't care anymore. No. I guess we don't have to answer this follow-up question then.

Becker, why does everything you like so stupid? Yeah, no girl's ever going to like my car. Any girl that does like my car will hate my Ninja Turtles. My house is a pussy repellent trap. The house doesn't have to be so horrible for women. I try to keep most of the Ninja Turtles shit out of the living room. I think girls just want you to have interests that are more than choking them and making their mascara run.

I don't like that. I know you don't like that. No one's accused you of liking that. My interests are cars, mostly. Like Vroom Vroom, Honk Honk. Remakes of television show, but not reimaginings. Well, I mean, you already blew that. It's a continuation. It's not a reimagining. All right, here we go. Here's another one. Santa'sslay Ride 14 wants to know, Becker, what that mouth do? My God. It just smokes.

It just smokes, yeah. It's pretty worthless. It ralphs a lot now. Okay, how about this? The Blue Note-Taker wants to know, when did you first know that Sam was a rising star? The first time I did comedy, Sam was on the show. Afterwards, like a real sweet boy, he told me I should never wear shorts on stage again. He liked to lie to the new comics.

No, it's the wrong thing to do. And you like to lie to the new comics. No, it's the right advice for everyone, but the very next month on the same showcase, I was doing, it was the Sexpot showcase. Yep. Sam wore shorts, and I was confused because I thought he was like fucking with me the time before, and then Chris explained to me. He was like, Sam can do whatever he wants. Well, actually, I'm gonna be honest about this.

I actually never wore shorts on stage until I saw you. And I was like, this guy's really got it. How can I look like I'm about to both throw up and shit my pants at the same time? And yeah, so I never wore shorts until I saw you up there really showing it off. I took my shirt off on stage that night, like Chrysler years before Chrysler as well. You sure did. Yeah.

How about this? The number four wants to know Becker, why is Lund still on the pod? We don't really need him at this point. Right. And then like a weird, like tongue out emoji. No, we need Nathan. I love Nathan. Your guys's bond is so good. You know each other so well.

You elicit- He needs gold bond. I think he's mentally serious about getting in shape this year and doing the church thing and living a new life. Yeah, making church videos and like- Growing his beard out, growing his hair out, getting more Christ-like. I haven't heard about this. This is a new thing he's tossing around. What? He's going to grow his hair out, getting more Christ-like. I haven't heard about this. This is a new thing he's tossing around.

What? He's going to grow his hair out to be more Christ-like? Hair and beard for the videos. And then I was like, and with you losing weight. And he was like, yeah, this is going to be perfect. It's going to be perfect, he says. Yeah, dude, we're going to have Christ-lund. Lund Christ.

Oh my God. Okay, Becker, let's be honest. Lund Christ. Oh my God. Okay, Becker, let's be honest. By the way, none of these questions were real. Yeah, I know. I figured that out after the second one. You're a simple man. I never know when the wool's pulled.

Will Lund lose any weight this year? I hope so. I believe in him. We all hope so. I don't know. I feel like when he really gets determined to do stuff He usually does it he's accomplished most things he's wanted to do. What is no what? Okay, maybe I'm out of the loop What things is he wanted to do? He moved he quit talking to his parents. He quit booze

Okay, him and his old lady got married and lived like the exact life He wants that takes a commitment that I don't have. Yeah, like are they alive or dead? It's like a stasis situation. Very much so. It's like they're encased in amber, the two of them. Yeah, but he didn't train the crows.

I guess that was a failure. Yep. Every man. He's keeping that snake alive. He doesn't like to talk about it, but he's got a snake in a church. He's really killing it. So you think he's going to lose a significant chunk of weight this year? I would say if he just tries decent, 40 pounds would be so doable.

I mean, 40 pounds should fall off him if he keeps, if he quit eating his fourth meal every day, because he's quote living moss, he would lose weight so easily. Dude, if we got him on the 10,000 steps a day plan. Oh my God. He's had a bicycle for a year and a half. I know. He's never rode it. He will be in a place that's more conducive to just like taking the bike into town. Two blocks away from where I used to live?

Yeah, but there's sidewalks and trails and shit. Where we live, it's fucked. You're in the mud most of the time. My God, imagine walking a bicycle two blocks so you could get on a trail. Well, imagine talking yourself into it when it's already going to be really a chore. Yeah, I mean, everything's harder for him because he's a piece. You know what? I'm going to say this. If I don't lose 50 pounds this year, I am going to donate whatever our Patreon is at that time.

I'm going to match that amount out of my own money and I'm going to donate it to the American Nazi party. That's what I'm doing. All right? That is my gauntlet I'm going to donate it to the American Nazi party. That's what I'm doing. All right. Yeah. That is my gauntlet I'm throwing down. If December 31st, I don't weigh, well, I haven't weighed myself recently. I could just lie. If I don't weigh 306 pounds, you're definitely like, uh, you've lost so much weight.

I know. And no one talks about it. You know, I don't want anyone to talk about it. It's just I lead by example. Not all heroes wear capes. But yeah, I'll weigh in. And if I don't lose 50 pounds, now am I going to lose it by hard work? No, I'm probably going to get on a Zempik.

But that still counts. And as long as the Nazi doesn't see a dollar out of me, then that's all that matters. That's a huge win. It's a huge win. I don't think it matters if it's Ozempic or just straight up dieting or working out. It doesn't matter at all. No, no, no. And that's one thing is, don't tell him by the way, listeners, do me a favor.

He's never going to listen to this episode because he only wants to get paid to talk to us is what he said. He could be doing it right now. It's eight o'clock in Colorado. Okay. In his defense, we didn't invite him. He doesn't know this is happening. That's very true. I just said, let's not invite Lund. Yeah. You guys have to do two in the next two days. We have to do two in the next two days.

I don't want to wear out all of his great stories. I'm sure he's so many... I bet he saw a pretty cool bottle cap recently. Very shiny. Yeah. There's probably a new menu item back at Carl's jr. That he's excited to explore but Don't don't tell Lund guys, but I'm totally gonna cheat and I'm gonna I'm gonna get on Ozempic and The weights gonna fall off of me and I'm gonna tell Nathan that it's through living a samurai's existence is through complete control I'll be eating I'm gonna tell him I'm eating a lot of pickled radishes samurai's existence is through complete control.

I'll be eating, I'm going to tell them I'm eating a lot of pickled radishes. I'm having beet smoothies for breakfast. I'm walking to 20,000 steps a day. That's what I'm going to tell them. But in reality, I'm just going to be taking a Wunder drug and the weight's going to melt away. Fuck. Yeah.

Yeah. I see it working for people. Yeah. I should have just been doing it the whole time. You could have jumped. You could have jumped see it working for people. Yeah. I should have just been doing it the whole time. You could have jumped on it a little early, but I mean, this is better because Lund wants to do the whole new year, new us thing. Hey, no one's more supportive of Lund's dream than me. Yeah.

I want it for him. I do too. I would put the percentage of faith that I have in him actually doing it right around 5%. And I wanted to say three, but I thought that might sound too mean. Mine's at like 40. I have like 40% faith that he's actually going to do it just because he's saying it and he's not saying it for our benefit.

I, how can I help him? You got to start like walking when you're out on the road. Like you guys got to go on like a Saturday walk. I know, but he hates that. I know, but you just got to like tell him like, Hey man, I know where there's like a great sandwich. And then just Google sandwiches while you're walking. Hmm.

Kind of enticing him like an old mule and a carrot. Yeah. Be like, dude, what if we burned a thousand calories and then had a 400 calorie milkshake instead of just the milkshake? Well he doesn't even eat anymore. He feeds. It's crazy. You should have seen him in Dallas.

We went to a Jason's Deli and they had a salad bar there. I've never seen anyone use the tray as the salad plate before. Oh, fuck. I mean, it was spilling, man. He acted like, oh, I missed the plate again. It's like a giant dollop of cottage cheese with bacon bits on it. Oh, man.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But then luckily a very flustered young woman threw napkins into his food and that made him very angry. And he went, oh yeah, fuck me, right? So that was pretty cool. Oh, I hope I get to see some of this in Madison. Oh yeah, you're coming to Madison.

Yeah. Hey, when's this going to come out? To middle of the night tonight. Cool. Des Moines this weekend January 17th 18th to point the funny bone Madison, Wisconsin those dates got moved and I was just in Milwaukee So hey nothing like playing one of your favorite rooms after you did the bigger room within an hour away a month ago But hey come out to Madison

Las Vegas that's gonna be a total bloodbath Chicago come to Zanny's in Chicago. Those will be good shows. The big one. I'm in Rosemont. Sam's, oh yeah, my website's being held captive. So go to punchuplive.com. Is that what's going on? Sam Talent. Get on punchuplive.com if you want to buy tickets to my shows or see where my dates are. Cause yeah, my website is, I wish it was Somali Pirates, but no. Oh no. No, it's a, it's, it's bizarre situation. Yeah.

I was kind of wondering. I would like it to be resolved. Okay. Were you going to be at the Denver Comedy Lounge this week, that weekend? I was going to be at the Denver Comedy Lounge, but apparently my team. I was gonna be at the Denver Comedy Lounge, but apparently my team is looking to make a big play in Denver over the summer. Okay.

So they want to reserve. That's fine, I just had multiple people when I told them I was going to Madison with you, be like, he's playing somewhere else that week. And I'm like, I'm positive we all booked the flights together, but thank you for your help. Yeah, yeah, no, I was supposed to be in Denver at the grand opening of the Denver Comedy Lounge.

They got a new spot. I would have loved to have done it, but my agency stepped in out of fear for something else they're working on in the Denver market. Oh, you're fine. I just felt like I was living in Bizarro world when Carlos was the second person who said it to me. I was like, he's reliable with comedy podcast listening. So maybe I did fuck up. So no, no, no, we should always listen to Carlos. I always listen to the art to our

ancients or elders. Um, also I got Carlos a bunch of those, uh, gotcha pong things. Oh dude, he's going to be so stoked. I got you some treats as well. I'm going to be so happy. Let's just say Lund's going to be making omelets. You know, each one's good for six uses with Lund. Oh yeah. Well, also we have a new sponsor that stepped in. They are coming on soon, not this week. Not this week, but yeah.

Let's just say the eggs days are numbered. The eggs days are numbered. I dude, I thought of an idea we need to work on behind the scenes. This should be like you and Mel's new project. All right. What if we invented a dishwasher of sorts that just cleaned the new sponsor's device or an egg, if one would. You want a machine in your house that's dedicated

to cleaning your pocket pussies? I think removing the shame of washing it out in the sink for a lot of the guys that it appeals to would really help a lot of the problem. Because I think washing out a fake pussy after you come, when you come, you're already not in a great head place. Yeah. I think a lot of the guys are just taking it to the garage and using the power washer.

I don't think anyone's getting out the Borac solution to get into the nooks and crannies of their pocket pussies. It bummed Pat out. I remember that it used to bum Kevin Smith out. Well, yeah, it bummed Pat out because his mom was like, what's this thing I'm washing? Patrick, who's your new friend? I just feel like somebody's going to invent the pocketbook. Patrick, your gelatinous hand puppet seems angry today.

I think he has a runny nose. Yeah, no. So I don't think that's a good idea because then you have a woman over, your mom comes over, your dad, God forbid, and he's like, hey, what's over here? What is this, a wine fridge? Then he opens it up and no, it's just a machine for cleaning out your fucking hand crank. Yeah, I got it. Just like people who have that size of a device.

I feel like aren't worried about people coming over and seeing it. I don't think that anyone's going to spend the money. I don't think these guys are just dripping in expendable cash. I don't know. I mean, a lot of them are fucking taken interest when they buy these things. That's crazy. Yeah. I mean, they're paying it off buy these things. That's crazy. Yeah. I mean, they're paying it off in installments. That's how bad they want access to these devices. That's nuts. I gave one away at my show.

We should just say what it is, right? The autoblow. Oh. Yeah. The autoblow came on board. They sent me two. I don't need one. So at my show last night in Detroit, The Independent, every Wednesday at The Independent

Comedy Club, Tommy Pope's the headliner. So before I bring on Tommy, I have an auto blow and I have it underneath my shirt and I'm like, all right, who's the biggest loser out there? Who hasn't known the touch of a woman the longest? And it was like, you know, I find four dudes who say they haven't. One guy's like, it's been about a year. Everyone booze him. The next guy's like, does does paying for it count? I'm like, yes, it counts.

So he's, you know, booed down. One guy says August 2022. I'm like, oh, no, that's that's not what you want to hear. No. And then there was another kid there who said that he just has a hard time being intimate with people. So I'm like, all right, well, this is as sad as it gets. So they're both standing up. I bring a babe on stage, she's in the front row.

And I'm like, all right, let's pretend like we're on a dating show. You get to ask these people one question. Ask these gentlemen one question. We're going to decide who receives the auto blow device. So she's like, okay What's your favorite sex move and one of the guys who hasn't been with a woman since August of 2022 says eating pussy And I had to like I had to like take a gun out and defend him Back he's just a child of God like you and I it was eating pussy. He says to the babe. Whoa

brutal Luckily the other kid said jerking off and it was like, okay awesome. Cool. Here's your auto blow Pussy and then Tommy Pope gets on stage and just rips the guy a new one for like 15 minutes Did you say eating pussy to a woman? God Tommy was rocked. He didn't know what to do. Oh, I'd love to see that. That's amazing.

Oh, we don't, we don't film that show. I know. For good reason. Yeah. Let's just say I wore two wigs this, this, this week. Oh, I can't wait to come see one of those. Come out, come out and see the show. Uh, I'm going to be a little bit of a wimp.

I'm going to be a little bit of a wimp. I'm going to be a little bit of a wimp. I'm going to be a little bit of a wimp. I'm going to be a little bit of a wimp. I'm going to be a little bit of a wimp. I'm going to be a little bit of a wimp. I'm going to be a little bit of a wimp. I'm going to be a little bit of a wimp. I'm going to be a little bit of a wimp. I'm going to be a little bit of a wimp. I'm going to be a little bit of a wimp. I'm going to to come see one of those come out come out and see the show

But yeah the autoblow I don't need one and I look I'm sorry to shit on your terrible idea But I don't where are you gonna put this thing? I don't know we got to figure out the sizing of it what it would need You know like you need to flush water pretty fast, Right. So you would get an attachment for your current dishwasher. So like a little box that you put the thing in. The sink. You're going to put that in the dishwasher. Maybe when you screw onto the sink, like a roll away sink, but you just put it on the

counter. Not a bad idea. Yeah. I don't know, dude. I feel like there's a lot of shame involved with washing one of those out, and if we could eliminate that. That's like the least shameful thing these people are doing. I know that we should normalize guys using sex toys, but come on. It is hard when you're making a mess. Yeah, I know, but it's just like, just clean up like everyone else has.

Get out grandpa's Confederate flag. Give it one more salute. You know, clean up. It's not that hard. Oh, man. Oh, well, this was just suggested by a friend that you can't see it on camera. It's a bar cup washer. But I think the vagina's too sloppy to do that. Oh, Becker. Well, it is. Those rubber vaginas aren't like, they don't stand up on their own. That's why you have to put it in a thing. I don't know about rubber vaginas, Becker.

You never had a pocket pussy? How do you think I've achieved so much in my life? It's not by whacking off all the time. Well, okay. I don't even bleed my seed anymore, man. Not anymore. I wasn't saying that modern Sam was doing this. I'm saying Sam I initially met seemed like a guy.

I've engaged in the act of Onan for sure, the loneliest sin. Yes, for sure. But I was never using tools. I was like a chimp, you know? That's fair. I was in there fucking clanging rocks together, looking for sparks.

I wasn't using anything that costs money. I think we're like 10, 15 bucks. I rarely ever used lube in my day. That's how far behind I am. I didn't use lube till way too late in life. Yeah. Everyone should be using lube. Yeah.

It's everybody. But no, I'm like fucking sand, sandpaper Jackson in there. Yeah. Yep Yeah, dry skin. I don't know. Yeah, you can't start to have dry skin on your cock. That's a bad look All right, Becker. We have an ad read I think we have you have one. Where is it? Huh? It's in our email Oh in our emails super producer Becker smoking the world's longest joint doesn't have the ad read ready No, you read it. I read it. They love when you read them. They hate when I read a Absolutely adore when you read them. They really don't well, hey, I can actually speak to this one If your New Year's resolution included a clean butthole

Listen up you gross mud butt freak. Get a fresh butt in 2025 with a tushy bidet. I was in Japan for two weeks. As you know, I'm a little shy when it comes to anyone crawling in my robot body and whispering to my ghost. So, I've never really used a bidet. I've probably said that I've used a bidet on this podcast before wanting to fit in with the cool kids.

We have a cool guest on or something. Oh yeah, I'm using a bidet. It's great. Who needs a water pick anymore? I've got this great tushy bidet. I sat down. It was a warm seat. It was very cold in old Tokyo.

So I sat down on that warm seat and I was like, okay, this is warm. The seat, maybe could the water be warm? So before, before I even utilize the bowl for what it's for, before I brewed some, some, some, some coffee, as we call it, I hit that button and I gave the mantle, the crust, a little blast, and it was hot water, Becker. Ooh. It was hot. Warm or hot? I mean, I wouldn't want to steep a teabag in it. Yeah. I wasn't making ramen. It was a pleasant temperature. That was just on the outside. I said, hey, if this is how good the fucking paint job on the car is going to look, let's get under the hood.

I spread them a little bit. I hit that button. Brother, I have never turned back. The first thing I did when I got home from Japan was use my bidet. Fuck yeah. And guess what? The water wasn't hot. It's not heated. Well, literally the first thing I did when I walked into my home that's been unoccupied

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What a revelation it is. You know, it's such a good product. Who's going to lose more weight? Lunder me. Oh, you've already lost a lot of weight. Oh, I have plenty more. I have a lot more adipose tissue that can fall off. It gets harder to lose the closer to the bone you get.

Well, I only have to get to 306 pounds. But Lund, so Lund will have an easier time losing it initially. Right, right, right, right. But I think you might outpace him in lifestyle. You're just busier. Yeah. Well, also Lund is going to hit, he's going to lose like 40 pounds. He's going to think, I got it all figured out.

Yep. We're going to be on the road somewhere. I don't know, Houston. There's going to be a barbecue buffet and it's going to be leaving Las Vegas. He is going to relapse in a, when Lund does hit his food relapse, we will live stream it. I will get Starlink for whatever rental car that I'm in and I will make sure we pump that thing up to every satellite we can get to.

I think that him controlling his intake will be his biggest issue besides doing any amount of exercise. I think exercise is the biggest one because he doesn't eat that much. What? Wrong, Becker. I've always eaten like Lund and I've never gotten as big as Lund. I started to when I started to work at home and wasn't doing anything. Yeah.

Becker, Lund eats a lot. I can attest to that. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, he's right here in this book. The whale. I don't know. That made me laugh. But yeah, he does. It's a real, it's a gluttonous intake and there's just like a real cold, cold dead-eyed joyless nature to it You know like I've never seen child abuse materials, but I imagine it's how the child's eyes look It's just yeah, there's the opposite of joy, you know that there's no passion in it. It's just work Yeah, I mean he ate raw chicken out of a trash can in Arizona

Oh, no, I think that was his rock bottom. When the fuck was this? When we were at the Desert Ridge Improv, Nick Salazar was over. He ordered me food when I was on stage and then I got off. Was this recent? Yeah, it was this year. It was earlier this year. I got off stage.

He ordered me like a half a chicken from the club. I sit down, I cut into it. I'm like, oh fuck. And he's like, what? It's pink. And he's like, oh, why don't you bring it back to the hotel room? You can microwave it. I'm like, not a bad idea. So we bring it back. It's an Airbnb. I bring it back. I microwave it. It's still not the right color. I'm like, oh, I'm not going to eat this, man. I threw it away. We start getting high. About two hours go by.

I hear some rustling in the kitchen. What's going on there? Oh my God. Go in, turn the lights on. It's like when you have your ring camera, catch a raccoon in a trash can. It's just him like, yeah. And it's him eating undercooked chicken literally out of a trash can. Oh my God. So this is what we're up against, Becker.

Oh my God. This is how deep the disease goes. That's crazy. Oh, wow. I had no idea he hides that well. Yeah, it's in plain sight. God. Yeah, every time that-

Oh, is he okay? What? Did he get sick? That's the thing is he tanked it. And he was fine. Unfixed. So he's been eating raw chicken. I think so.

The last time I ate raw chicken, it was with Chris Pierce in Memphis, Tennessee. And we were staying at some comedian's house. He wasn't there. And there was a bunch of chicken wings. And Chris thought he cooked them. And then we ate them the next day, like in the light of day. And they were clearly pink and it didn't hurt me at all. I also ate a thumbnail sized amount of chicken sashimi

in Tokyo this time. I did hear about that. It weirded me out. I wanted to eat more. I wanted to be brave, but after that first bite, I was like, oh no. And then Sophie, of course, Googled bird flu and yeah, but I could have eaten more of it, but I didn't. I think that's a fine choice. It was the right thing to do. Yeah.

Yeah. You tried it. I did. Yeah. Huh. Bob Euker died today. David Lynch. The professor from Mecham died over the weekend. Who? The professor. Itcham died over the weekend. Who? The professor.

It's a car guy. All right. Let's mourn your thing instead. No, there's the threes. Three cool guys died. I don't know if Bob Euker and David Lynch would appreciate you lumping in the professor from Mecham. David Lynch would.

Why? They were friends? No, he was a weirdo. He liked doing the weather. Yeah, Adam Eaget today rocked. Yeah. Oh yeah. Bad day for to be Eaget.

Oh, that sucks. I thought you saw him do something that rocked. No, no, no. He was rocked. He loved he was like a he was like friends with Bob Euker. Oh, David Lynch too. And he like called me and I was like, I didn't realize I should be sincerely empathetic and made fun of him. And I think I heard his feelings.

Sweet boy you get. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Blew it there. Now Becker, I've been out gallivanting. I think that I'll save some of those stories for when I get Lund alone in a room.

Hell yeah. So why don't you catch me up on what's been going on in the Becker verse? Sure. But Chubby Behemoth Extended Universe. I went to, I haven't seen you in weeks. I haven't been doing much. I've been going to doctors. I went to the doctor on Tuesday and they scoped. Yeah. And put me on a bunch of new drugs that suck. Mm-hmm.

Because they want to observe me for like six weeks before they do any surgery. I want to observe you too. Like I'm gonna miraculously not have the same shit. What surgery would they do to you? Tubes. How's that gonna fix you losing 105 pounds? I just keep getting ear infections like repeatedly now that my immune system is crashing Have you ever tried washing your hands? Yeah, constantly and my ears are now kicking out mucus and blood like all the time Huh bloody really sucks. Yeah bloody ear wax

Yeah, my body is going to shit but tomorrow I get to go see the immunologist. I've been driving back and forth to Denver. I came up with Insalundu Luchalibrain Laughs, and then we recorded together. That was a fun weekend. I wonder how he did. He did great. He does good at that show. Dude, and the matches were crazy.

That show has really cranked it up since last time I was there like two years ago. Yeah, it's Nick's killing it The final match I wish I knew more about wrestling because it was people you would probably know was there was it intergender No, it was a giant black man Okay, go on and then a tiny rock and roller looking white guy a rock and roller yeah he had like greasy stringy hair hmm and facial hair that belonged in the 90s and was the giant black man like hey you stole your gimmick

from us yes and he was just a broad brick shithouse of a man yeah I know that guy yeah and he fucked shit up and it was really good. Very good. And what was bet? What was Lund doing while they were in the match was eating a big bucket of fried chicken. Yeah. And licking his lips a lot.

Yeah. Yeah. Bec, he was over there. Hold on. I think he was actually probably knowing Lund, uh, secretly eating, uh, mashed potatoes out of a plastic bag and he probably like cut the corner off the plastic bag so it was like yeah like a like a frosting pipette and he was just

sucking it off like it was a camel pack. He had a little titty to suck on. Yeah. How are you gonna help him lose weight on his journey? I don't know he could come walk with me every day, but I don't walk that much because they told me to tone it down It's okay, they told you your medical advice was tone it down Well, yeah, cuz I'm still walking like I forgot that you went to see dr Quinn medicine woman in Trinidad, Colorado No, it's just they tell me like I can't be walking 10,000 steps a day to get tired So I sleep okay, cuz I'm not doing much. I Need to like walk less because I'm not putting on enough calories to like to prevent you from just taking like protein bags

I've tried it's it makes my stomach worse Hmm, like I gotta like kind of even it out. What about this? What if Lund's only allowed to eat the same things that you eat? He'd lose weight really fast. If he only ate dinner with me every day he'd lose weight really really really what are you eating for dinner well like a couple nights a week when I don't feel good I'm just having like oatmeal or noodles I eat oatmeal yeah but that's the only thing you had for the day it's like 400 calories of oatmeal yeah he would lose his mind yeah he'd die to live like I've been living.

No, he would kill his dogs and his wife. Yeah, I'm losing it. Yeah. I cry. I'm just like, I have no appetite. I don't feel good. I've been ralphing all day. My throat hurts.

And if I have hot food, it's just going to burn and then I'm going to puke again. Yeah. I would love to see Lun cry because he didn't get enough calories. That would bring me a lot of joy. Yeah. But I got gonna puke again. Yeah, I would love to see Lun cry because he didn't get enough calories. That would bring me a lot of joy. Yeah, but I got more. Not you. I got more amitriptyline coming because I've been off of that for a couple of days. Now what is that?

It's the weird drug they're giving me that's supposed to help with my nerves at night so I keep food down better. Why don't you just start taking Benzos or something? I'm taking Zofran and fucking So it sounds like a fun drug. I think amitriptyline is like a weird antidepressant that acts on your nervous system hmm And so they're using it for people that are having gut issues with long COVID and it seems to be working a little bit What a lot of a parasite they've looked

What if you have a little Devin Davis crawling around inside of you right now? They've made me do so many stool samples, dude. They've looked. So much blood. Last time they did blood, I vasodilated and then fucking collapsed at the hospital, so I'm scared of that tomorrow. Okay. Well, you know, maybe this is why we don't do Becker updates. I forgot- Yeah, they've been a lot less cool for like a year. I forgot the dynamic of the pod is... Okay. It used to be like, guess what sloppy thing I ate and which customer I yelled at. Now it's just...

Yeah. Oh, I did yell at my doctor. Okay. Because she's fucking stupid. She kept asking me shit about my ears that were like obvious. I could see the paperwork in front of her. I'd be like, I had nine infections this year so far. Like why are you bragging?

Why do you just want to observe me for six weeks instead of just scheduling the goddamn surgery that I've already had to have three times in my life? Yeah. Like what is the chances I'm not a candidate? Like what is going on here? Whose ass are you covering? Did you say who's asked for you covering? Did you say whose ass are you covering? Yeah.

What is the point of this other than to just have another visit? It would have been cool if you said that and then she said not mine and then she hiked up her skirt and you butt fucked her. Huh? That would have been pretty cool. Why don't you put that in the story moving forward? Okay. That's lying about fucking a woman. Hey, what are you going to do?

But she sucked, and so now I have to go back there after doing a bunch of bullshit nasal sprays for the next six weeks. It's not going to make a fucking difference. Just tastes bad all day. Yeah. Well, I really do think that you should probably try and pass on whatever this is to Nathan Lund. Yeah, I'll bite him.

Why don't you use his toothbrush when we're in Madison? Okay. I'll buy a new one and use it first and then give it to him because I don't want to catch what he has. It'd be nice if you would just sit on his chest like a cat and put your mouth over his nose and lips while he's asleep and then just blow into them. Yeah. I think that that's how like Succubi used to.

Are we all sharing a room? Uh, well, no, no, we're, we're, we're grown men. There's no more of this Becker's sleeping in Lun's bed or we make you a nest. No more making nests for people. We're all grown men. Our Patreon's doing quite well. We don't need to have any more. We're going to save 120 bucks. We have to start taking care of people correctly. That's fine. I just thought we might all be in a room. Also, if Lun's's really gonna eat less food

Then I'm gonna save a lot of money on the road Cuz I buy all of his meals Yeah, so I'm really thinking like hopefully he does commit to this thing and just starts eating like different gels and pouches Yeah, if you get on some kind of pouch diet That's the thing about Tokyo is they have all these fucking pouches over there that have like meals Yeah, they have meal pouches. He crushed so many of them. It's not like he'd have one in stock.

Well, we need to have what we need, honestly. He needs to get on like raw cabbage where he gets full. So raw cabbage would be good, but no, he's never going to do that because he's not a hippo despite what that man in the helicopter thought. But what we should do is we should get a like a like a handcuff. Okay. And then have like a little suitcase that Lunn carries around and only Creech knows the code or maybe I know the code and I will refill it every morning and then program in a time so that it opens like three times a day.

Like every four hours it opens up and he can have another pouch. And how many weeks do you think it would take before he made the snacks last to the second time it opened? There would be no snacks though. There would just be three pouches. Okay. But he'd have all three pouches. Yeah.

So he's, look, the first day he's probably taking two pouches right away away And then he has to choose when does he get his next pouch? Does he want his lunch pouch or his dinner pouch? That's like really the only way that we're gonna be able to help him I bet one of our listeners out there if someone could come up with like a timed manacle suitcase And just like send the schematics over. We could probably have a mock-up made pretty quickly, honestly. I know some kids at the Milwaukee School of Engineering, I bet they would probably make

it. That's probably going to put your cum toy cleanup project on the back burner. It's much more important to get Lund fed an appropriate amount of calories every day. Yeah, but just like I would know the code and Creech would know the code. And we're the only two people who can put new pouches in. Oh man. Yeah. He'd shed weight, but he'd be so full of murder and hate.

Well, the other issue is that there's nothing to prevent him from getting outside food. Additional food, correct. Yeah. Right. So we wouldn't have to worry about the suitcase. We would have to have... He'd end up justifying it too. Like, well, I have to have a Crave case on the other hand, otherwise I look weird.

Right, right, right. He would look weird with that White Castle. No, what we need is a muzzle that only I have the code to. Or I have a key to his muzzle. It's chained on. Right. And it never comes off, but due to the pouches, it's wide enough for him to spray a pouch in there. Or maybe it's like a teat where it's like a male-female end and he can pop it in. And then the muzzle unlocks the pouch. So he has to use the muzzle. This is a lot better. Yeah. We muzzle the fool and he can't get any outside cookies.

Right. Right. Unless he somehow figures out how to liquefy them, reverse put them into the pouch. You think he'd be afraid of us catching him doing that or he'd just do it? No, no, no. I think he wouldn't know fear. I think he'd be beyond fear. He'd be so hungry and pissed. Because the snacking is how they get you, you know? I don't.

I just, he doesn't snack when we're out and about. Becker, I love you. You only see the positive in people. He has big meals, but I don't see- The man ate fish skin pizza. That was one of the more heinous things I've ever watched. They took it off the market in Tokyo. Did they really?

Yes, because it kept killing all the cats. I just thought maybe they made a just call. God, that was the worst thing I've ever put in my mouth. Yeah, no. I mean, the guy really knows no ends. He literally will eat a whole bag of candy and I'll be like, you ate all that candy? He'll go, who cares? He's weaponized who cares to the point where it allows him to do very like socially abhorrent

behavior and be like, who cares? Big deal. Part of my brain can't see it too because he's so judgmental of everyone else's social behavior. Sure, sure, sure. And he's so willing to go against the contract of being a human in public. I mean, it's one of my favorite parts about him is that it's like being with a rogue male elephant.

Yeah, or hanging out with a crooked cop. He just does what he wants. Yeah. But he has a real long memory. It's just like a rogue male elephant. Oh, poor Lund. Look, I love Lund. Look, I love Lund. We got to be aware of what we're dealing with here.

Yeah. And remember, I'm going to be taking needle drugs in the stomach. No, that's the word. I'm doing whatever I want. Yeah, yeah. I won't tell. He'll call you on it. And then I'm going to be like, oh yeah, I'm just not hungry, man.

It's called self-control. But he'll hate that. I know. That'll inspire him even more. That might make him spiral the other way. Well, he's already spiral cut. He is. Yeah. I don't want to glaze that on him. Pineapple juice. Yeah. God. Well, you know. Don't leak this, listener. Don't leak that I'm doing Ozempic. I haven't currently started doing Ozempic yet, but I have a lead on some. Yeah. Isn't there a shortage?

Canadian Ozempic. Okay. Yeah. I'm going to take a submarine over to Windsor every Thursday. Big Jay's getting it. He looks great. Does he? Yeah.

He looks great. He looks great. He's lost a lot of weight in the face and neck and chest. I mean, it's hard to tell cuz he still wears the same clothes But yeah, I'm probably gonna be wearing the same clothes that he's starting to lose so much that you can tell even with the same Giant hoodies and stuff on that. He's like lost it in the neck and Huh? Yeah, maybe I can be like Big Jay. Yeah fingerless gloves Huh, I love big Jay. Yeah, fingerless gloves. Huh? I love Big J.

Yeah, I love Big J too. Interesting. Maybe I'll be the next Big J. Hmm. What if I went by Big Sam? I could. It's my birthright. Why not? Yeah, your name. Big Sam. It sounds like I'm racing a steam train through a mountain. Yeah. Big Sam. I think ghoul's better. It sounds like I'm racing a steam train through a mountain.

I think ghoul's better. Wow, ghoul. Man, I don't know how ghoul did online today, but I did post-ghoul. It made me laugh while I was having a bad day. Last night I drove to the Springs because I had to meet my mechanic today who wasn't responding to me. So I didn't know what time I was going to meet him. And I expected that you and Tommy would end up, if you did record, record after the show so that I wouldn't be getting it at the earliest till like 1 o'clock, 1.30

in the morning. So I was like, I don't want to stay in Trinidad, edit till four in the morning and then take a nap to go meet my mechanic. I'd rather just sleep at my parents' till he shows up. I drove up there last night. Thank God you didn't record because I passed out at 11.30, just cold, sitting there waiting to message you to be like, hey, do you think it'll happen tonight or not before I go to sleep? I just crashed.

Yeah. Then I woke up this morning and my mechanic usually shows up to my parents between like 9 and 10 in the morning And he came by at 3 p.m Hmm, so I wasn't pissed about like sleeping in a shit bed. Does he live in fear of you? Is he ducking you know, it's a new guy New mechanic. Yeah, we've my dad's been using them for a couple of months. This is a big development. Why haven't you told us about your new mechanic in your life? He's great. His name's Nicky.

He rules. I love him. We figured out some shit on my car today that was truly a fluke. Because my heater switch hadn't been working and I couldn't figure it out. I had the schematics out and shit and nothing was wrong. And he felt the same way. And literally just started like monkey fucking it together. And then a pebble fell out and he was like, holy shit, dude, if I'd have taken this home alone and like taking it all the way apart, I wouldn't have found that for like days.

A pebble was preventing your car from being optimized? It had lodged between the cable actuator and the switch on the top of the heater so that they were locking together. So it looked like everything was moving. But the piece that was supposed to slide internally wasn't sliding because there was a tiny, flat, perfect pebble in there. Right, right. Which means the pebble flew up, got behind the guard,

and landed as I closed it when I was parked. You don't have to tell me. I know what happened for sure. That's like creating a universe, chances. That's crazy. I mean, it happens all the time, man. That would have been my first thing. If you would have asked me, I would have told you.

You got to check for pebbles underneath the manifold. Sorry. What? What's happening? His internet started to crash. Quit looking shit up on your phone. Who is this guy? Mike.

Okay, so you're going to boss Mike around as you podcast in his living room? It happened last time he pulled his phone out, but it happened really quick. And then this time my computer gave me a warning in the recording device that we were taxing the system. Does Mike know Nathan Lund? Mike knows of Nathan Lund. He's watched Supes On. Okay.

Ask Mike how much- He's watched soups on okay. Ask Mike I'm gonna do an airport ask Mike how much he thinks Nathan Lund weighs Honestly honestly Mike I think everyone lies cuz of how much I knew I weighed come on How much do you think Nathan Lund weighs Mike? Answer to the microphone 250 pounds so polite that was like is Mike a super spy no he's afraid of offending our known tree climbing knife wielding friend Nathan is the nicest what do you really think he weighs yeah come on come on, Mike. What do you weigh?

Oh, you think Lund weighs less than you. You want that on record? I want to see Mike bring Mike out. Mike says, do you care if I put you on camera for a split second? Let's see, Mike. This is my, yeah, Mike, you look great. First of all, I can't hear a word he's saying. He can't hear you. Right. I'll tell him. I think he looks great. You look great. All Mike. You look great. First of all, I can't hear a word. He's saying he can't hear you Right. I'll tell him. I think he looks great. You look great. All right, right. You look great Oh, thank you. You think you think that Nathan Lundwais less than you?

Yeah, he also wants to affirm you think Lundwais less than you Or what is your actual guess? Three three and a quarter actual guess. Three, three and a quarter. All right. Okay. 350 seems right to me. I just 350 360. Dude, I was, I was two 65 before I lost the weight, man. Oh my God. You think he weighs three 60? I think he's at least no, I think he's three. I think he's at least 80 pounds more than I was before I lost the weight, dude. Oh My god, I can't wait to tell him you said he weighed 350 Well, I mean 333 happened a while ago. He hit 333. That's confirmed. You don't remember that

I thought he confirmed it on the pod. No, I think he confirmed it on the pod. Maybe it was an episode without you Oh my god 333 is a normal. I think 333 is on confirmation. How long ago was that? I feel like it was in the last several months. Oh my god. He's only been getting bigger and bigger. It's not been getting smaller. Wow. Okay. Well, uh, we're going to figure out, I'm going to figure out how much Lund ways, uh, this weekend. Well, we're going to a spa. He said we're going to like a spa or a sauna or something when I'm in Oh

Yeah, Madison the hotel is with you guys. So yeah, there's a scale situation. There's probably a scale Yeah, God, we'll do it in front of a bunch of like teenage volleyball players. Oh My god, okay So we're gonna get to the bottom of this. If you want to be kept abreast of the latest goings on, uh, patreon.com slash chubby behemoth. Get over there. Five bucks a month.

Let's get those numbers up so that, uh, I will be forced to match like 10 K to the American Nazi party. If I don't weigh in at three 10, if we could get to that number, I wouldn't be worried about anything. Yeah, yeah, no, I just want to make sure you guys are okay. But also, yeah, join the Patreon. We love you guys. Come see a live show.

Goodbye. Bye.