Chubby Behemoth - Savage Henry

Episode Date: October 11, 2021

2nd Breakfast. Pig-O-Potamus. Chris & Bobby.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

Hey everybody, welcome to another fantastic episode of Chubby Behemoth. I, of course, am Paul Provenza. And hey, it's me, Paul Prudhomme. Welcome to Better Call Paul. And our guest, of course, today is Paul Wall. Hey, it's me, Paul Wall. Thanks for having me. Paul Walker couldn't make it, for obvious reasons. Super busy. He's in demand. He's Hollywood's it kid.

Yeah, he's busy in hell, sucking off Jews. Whoa. God damn. No, that's not what we're doing. But if this sounds bad, guess what? Lund's got two words for you. I'm sorry.

Oh. I thought it was going to be, who cares? Not the words I expected. I thought you were I thought it was gonna be who cares not the words I expected I thought you were wanting suck it and I didn't

want to give you something obvious so I went for the curveball yeah would've been cool if Beasley got sucked

last night you did try the majority of your set the late night show to get Beasley sucked trying to get him

to cheat on his girlfriend yeah supposedly he could've done it if he set at the late night show to get Beasley sucked. Trying to get him to cheat on his girlfriend. Supposedly he could have done it if he asked her. I don't know. I think he might have been bullshitting. Yeah, he wasn't going to ask his girlfriend if he could get some random redwood head.

I've heard many people in open-ish arrangements within a relationship, it's always like, oh yeah, whatever arrangements within a relationship, it's always like, oh yeah, I just have to say, like, tell them or ask them, and it's like, wouldn't that be the one thing you shouldn't do is talk about it? Like, isn't it better

to just be like, yeah, do whatever you want, I don't want to hear about it, I don't want to know who it is. I would never want to know. Yeah, so why is that? If you were banging Emily, I would hate to know that. Well, then, plug your ears. Because we're in love.

At first, it was purely physical. She has a type, and I'm just slightly less of you, so, you know, it makes sense, but now it's real.

Now we have to, like, run away together or whatever. Well, you're not going gonna make it that far I've seen you 40 times we last night he was like

I gotta ask my girlfriend if I can get sucked and Dave Waite was like that's not gonna be your thing and we're also joined and this is you guys have been asking for this episode

for a long time the Chubb Reddit army has been demanding it we're joined with the fourth member of the Fine Gentlemen's Club. One Robert William Crane, everyone. It's me! Yes.

And Bobby is doing this begrudgingly. He doesn't want to do it. I'm not a riffer. I thought you weren't doing it. I'm not a riffer, I just huff a lot. See? What are you so scared about? Come on, that's your first, that's your opening shot?

That's great. Yahoo! You're playing Mario Kart? You said you were doing homework. You were just beating Super Nintendo. Yeah, so this is just a chill, laid-back vibe, live here from Humboldt County, California. It's beautiful up here.

We saw the fucking moon in the zoo today. The canopy. Yeah. This is technically the grossest room in all of Arcata right now. Yeah, right. Have you seen some of the freaking hopeless rejects that walk around here

shuffling around? God. Looking for a car with a window rolled down so they can have lunch. Yeah. So they can eat the receipts and napkins. The people walking around out here look like I feel on the inside. You know what I'm saying?

Dashboard cleaner. Yeah. Pre-chewed gum. A Mentos tube? I'm in. Yeah, it's fucking just a pack of gross pigs up here. It is. Boink, boink. A lot of natural beauty.

The ocean, those sequoias. That lady who came over yesterday? Yeah, a lot of natural and synthetic beauty up here. Do you think they were fake? Parts of her had to have been fake. I think she might have had some... In my opinion. Do you think she was augmented? Parts of her had to have been fake. I think she might have had some... In my opinion. Do you think she was augmented?

Parts. Oh, man. How long until we have to talk about what Nathan ate? Let's get to it. It's the burning topic. It's everybody's tongue. The tips of all of our tongues, including yours. There's no way you've swallowed it all.

That was an incredible amount of food. I'm still chewing. Should we start with breakfast or no? Sure. Yes. I forgot about breakfast. Breakfast was a little piece of peach cobbler. That's right.

Two granola bars. That's pretty good. A fruit roll-up. But like a natural one, I think. Okay. Over there, there's a Polish random shit. I don't think it was name brand fruit roll-up. It might have been from

Whole Foods. It didn't taste as good as a regular fake food. Too much fruit, not enough roll-up. Yes. Also, you didn't take the wrapper off, so that didn't help. What else did I have?

Oh, like a little bit like turkey sandwich, turkey and cheese. Mm-hmm. And I think that was breakfast. Walked around

at the zoo. It feels like a deposition. And that's when the light left her eyes. I'm under oath and I feel like I'm underwater because I got too much sodium.

You're under oath and over gross. All right, so lunch was the fucking comic barbecue at Savage Henry. And I had a hamburger, a hot dog, another hot dog, a piece of corn on the cob. It wasn't cooked all the way. Yes, it was. I was grilling them. It was hot, and it was ready. I had a hot and ready.

No. Strike that from the record. I had way too much shrimp. Most of a thing of cocktail shrimp. What is that, like 15? No. I probably had 20. No, I probably had 15 to 20.

And the shells weren't all the way up. I had one with the shell on. I thought it was off for no reason. Like somebody peeled it and then left it. Someone else will get to enjoy this without the one step required to eat it. But what did you say once it was already in there? Who cares?

He said, I'm the smartest man alive. I'll be fine. I've eaten worse. Had worse shells. That turtle did not go quietly into the night. What else did I eat? Fruit by the foot?

Yeah. That's 12 inches of fruit. What else? Pistachios. Pistachios. Pork jerky. Pork jerky. Beef jerky.

Like a little mini bag of it. Salmon. A lot of smoked salmon. A lot of smoked salmon. Out of a bag it was all greasy his hands that's so gross

his hands his hands were shiny they sparkled in the sun like a bear they sparkled in the shadows you were in an alleyway eating all this this was not done in the safety of your home. Everybody could see me.

Children were like, why, mommy? Why is he still eating? I was the one at the zoo for a while. You ate one of my keto clusters even though they were pretty good for me. I had a keto cluster even though I knew it was going to be bad and I was like there's chocolate had one of those

I showed restraint with what you eat every day yeah you only ate one of the worst things I was like gross you had five grapes before they cut you off the grapes

cut you off yeah that seahawk flew into your mouth one of the limo's tires. Yeah. Had a bush in a... He did.

Oh, yeah. Jesus Christ. A handful of jelly beans, a handful of peanut M&Ms. I think that's it. And how did you celebrate your feast? I tried to walk here, and you guys were like,

oh, we can't leave him alone. He might stop breathing. I was going to Jack in the Box and you guys were like, no, you can't. I brought my pills. I got my uric acid pills. I should be okay. Yes, that means you can eat five different kinds of meat. Yeah, I was going for the fucking record and you guys were like,

you can't let me shine. No, you came up to me afterward and said, why didn't you stop me? Yeah, I acted like it was your fault. Yeah. Classic Sam T move.

You also did, uh, you did celebrate by getting off of the floor after a while of needing to recover and celebrated

with two little mini donuts. Well, oh, that was, that was, right now, two was like a dozen of those mini donuts. Well, oh, that was... Right now. This, too, was like a dozen of those mini donuts.

Shit! I forgot. Woo! Ah, the truth came out eventually. Yeah, I forgot. Breakfast was a lot, and then lunch was even worse. And we haven't even made it to dinner. No.

What am I going to eat next? I don't know. Stay tuned. And then you went on stage and didn't you just complain about being full? Yeah, so we had to do that show, Matt Redbeard has a show where you riff on slides

and I thought they would be like either, I thought they were going to be a lot more different than they were. They seemed like they were from one trip, you know? Like one family went to Oregon for a weekend and everybody had to try to be funny with the same like 20 pictures. It was like one family went to Fresno. It wasn't exciting. It wasn't like Paris or Disneyland.

No. Bakersfield, 97. Glory days. Yeah, President's Day weekend in 89. Yeah. So yeah, we, I don't know, you were funny, Nick Rutherford was funny. I was okay for a little bit, and then I just couldn't care enough. I couldn't focus.

I felt so full. Because your brain was trying to shut down. Yeah. It's all in your stomach. Yeah. God. What a nightmare. I have another white claw.

I've had one. That's my first one. I can't wait for you to start, you know, throwing shit on roofs and using slurs. Don't switch this around on me, dog. You're the worst. I rule. No, dude. I'm good.

You're bad. No, you're so gross. All those comics from Sacramento were like, ugh. Look at this guy. What? Who? The Tubbs of Sacramento? The Tubbs?

Is that what they were called? There's a lot of big folks from Sacramento, no? The Central Valley is just a bunch of fucking pigs're called? There's a lot of big folks from Sacramento, no? The Central Valley is just a bunch of fucking pigs in shoes. There's a lot of folks. A lot of folks, no matter how small numbers, a lot of folks. You know what I mean? Oh, I know what you mean. Big people.

But I'm okay with you being you. People judged me? No, no. No shit. If they did, I would have killed them. There would be blood on them. You would have eaten half of one of those guys, too. I was on a roll. Yeah. Oh, I had a Hawaiian.

We're going to have to roll you home. I had a Hawaiian roll. You did. You fisted a King's Hawaiian roll. Just with nothing. You didn't put anything of all the stuff you ate in there?

I was like, you used Raw Dog on a Hawaiian roll? And he was like, shut up. Of course. How many times did you say shut up during that video? Both to yourself and aloud. I wasn't sure what to do with it, really,

because there was hot dogs and hamburgers, so I wasn't going to put an eighth of a hot dog onto a little baby King's Hawaiian roll, but I wanted one. There were big croissants. I didn't have those. How many pickles did you eat, Sam? That's not the point. Pickles are good for you. Let's get to Sam's corner. I know, yeah. How are they zero calories

but with all that salt involved? Cucumbers are kind of a calorie deficit food. But there's a lot of sodium. But yeah, I probably had 15 pickles. That's a lot of pickles. And people kept being probably had 15 pickles. That's a lot of pickles. And people kept being like, these pickles are good. And I was like, yeah, they are. Leave them alone.

Yeah, you were like, I can't wait to try one. Yeah. I was like, oh, they are good? Interesting. They look good. I better have one. I'll get around to it. I've been admiring them from afar.

After I ate 10 pickles, some guy was like, can I get a fork? And I was like, what do you need a fork for? And he was like, I don't want to touch all these pickles. I'm going to grab one. And I was like, oh, I've been in there. I was getting in there with my salmon hand, too. Damn, gross. That was bad.

Washing it off in the pickle jar. You would have loved it, Bob, just me and Lund out there fucking sowing our oats. I'm glad I didn't have to watch it. You would have liked it more than anyone else I know me and Lund being disgusting in public

it's my favorite you're just like yeah it gives me heart yeah it does did I mention the corn yeah you mentioned the corn

you get a corn seed I made four pieces of corn thinking somebody's gonna be like oh hell yeah they thought they were all for you nobody cared

nobody cared nobody left I thought they were all for you. Nobody left. I thought people were going to keep walking up and eating, but there were like 15 comics that ate right away. They had a burger,

politely. And then nobody else came through. Well, there's 115 comics on this damn thing. Yeah. So I thought, oh,

somebody's going to want a piece of corn. It's good on the grill. It was good. I had one. Only one. I wish I would have had two.

You could have had two. No, I couldn't have. Or else I would have. Clearly, yeah. I drew the line. Two beans of corn would be just gluttonous. Yeah, that would have been too much. Gluttonous.

So yeah, you're okay. You laid on the ground for a while. Your gut looked like there was a litter of puppies inside of you. Puppies you ate, not like you were going to give birth. Oh, God. That's nuts. You should have been at that zoo. I let loose.

I would have been the coolest thing at that zoo except for the trees. I would have been tied with the red panda. The red panda was cute, but everything else is like, oh, cool, a bird. No, they were bald eagles. They were cool. Shout out Dom. Yeah, what's up, Dom? What's up, Dom?

Dom and who was the other guy Leo Alvin Arthur Arthur little Arthur not Leo I said who Leo

but even worse Eagle 69 let me hear you Eagle cry they were fucking around but they ruled they like didn't even try and they were sick they weren't fucking around, but they ruled. They didn't even try, and they were sick. They weren't fucking around.

They were half-assing it, weren't they? Dom told me that when they first came out, they weren't supposed to be a joke. At their first show, everybody was laughing, and they were like, I guess we'll just go with it. Yeah. It was the opposite. Yeah.

Exactly. Grab me a claw, Lon. Come on. Enable me. I told you where the mayonnaise was earlier. I didn't have a drop of that mayonnaise. Yeah. Oh, good.

I don't believe that. I was eating healthy. No mayonnaise for this guy. Too much oil in that mayonnaise. Give me some of that salmon out of the bag. The salmon fell on the ground and me and one both looked at the guy

who did it and scowled. Remember that? No. That didn't happen. Yeah, it did. That fucking dweebish from San Fran knocked it on the ground

and we were... Oh, it was... Yeah, it was in the bag and we acted like it was ruined. Yeah, that didn't make sense. That was that kid who walked into the zoo

after us this morning. And I was like, hey, you going to the zoo? And then ditched him. Beat it, homo. No. And you were like, all right, enjoy yourself. Yeah, have a good one. Oh, dude, and then you went to get a coffee for me and you.

A simple task. Should have, you know, should have seen you five minutes later probably. But instead. 28 minutes later. A simple task. Should have, you know, seen you five minutes later, probably. But instead... 28 minutes later. Instead, yeah. We saw the entirety of the zoo while you got coffee. I mean, I haven't ever been that mad. And we see them.

And when we first saw that you hadn't moved, we thought, oh, there's like a long line and you're at the end of it. Like, we thought, oh, there's a long line and you're at the end of it. We thought maybe that was a big room that you were in and it snaked around. There was two families in front of me. There was a collection of seven

people in front of me who prevented me from getting coffee for 27 minutes. What were they doing? I'm steamed still. Bobby, listen to this. Bobby was painting. You can use this in one of your trials. Yeah, you might have to defend me if this ever happens again.

I'm gonna fucking... Falling down in there. There was a family. Three children, one grandma, one mommy. As you call them. And the mommy made all of her kids pay for their things individually oh and order them and order them as well and pay with their own money to teach them the value of money in commerce so

there's like a six-year-old who couldn't have been ugly or dumber just some kid named gypsum up there with a do-rag on even though he's white. And he's like, I wanna have a I want And she's like, no, you got it. Go ahead, Dakota. I wanna I wanna cheap

cheap burger. And he's 12, so it doesn't make any sense while he's talking like a baby. He's like, very good, Wyoming. Okay, now go ahead and open up your pouch. And then he fucking paid in quarters. They did that for three separate children. And then mommy ordered some food.

And then grandma, right there at what, one in the afternoon, needed a root beer float. Granny needed a root beer float. And the lady, the round mound of... This frantic, dripping wet hog behind the counter. It was like 12 people called into work. And it was just this lady who owns the snack shan and then some migrant who was working very hard.

Person of color, if you will. What color? I don't see color. But it was one you'd be upset if your sister was dating. He was white. So he's back there just, you know, sweating and coughing. And she had to run all the food. So she takes your order and then she to run all the food. So she takes

your order and then she'd run to the back and like make three ice cream sundaes and then come back up and just be like apologizing. Like, I'm so sorry. I'll be right with you. Six minutes goes by. People in front of me had a zoo membership, but, uh, they didn't have the card. So they had to, the dad, the dad went out and then had the fucking, I assume the person at the front desk, give him his card number for his Zoom membership, and he came back for his 10% discount. That's nice. And I'm just in the back texting you guys, like,

I wish I was dead. I wish they served guns at this snack bar. I was like, order three. I was so pissed when I got that coffee. And then the coffee's honked. The coffee wasn't that good. Tasted like Lund's undies. I got you guys

Stroopwafels. You did. That was nice. I appreciate that. You couldn't have one. I got my boys a nice sweet treat. I didn't think about it until now. You need to add that to it. Stroopwafel. Of course you didn't think about how your actions affect anyone. No, that's not my actions.

That's your action, and then I didn't think about how you couldn't have one. Right, you didn't think about how I sacrificed for the crew. Your thing was extra nice. I'm a hero. And then we went into the... Speaking of your hero-dom, after we were leaving, there was five of us that needed an Uber, including the three of us

who needed to go somewhere. The most important people in the world. Absolutely. Everyone's also an NPC. And five of us couldn't get into the Uber that you ordered, so you let the two strangers get into the Uber.

Yeah, the strangers. Max Beasley and Zach Moss. Yeah, that's it. They're losers. You let those losers get in our Uber and then leave and then we got fucked sitting there. Yeah. It was the only Uber in town. Literally. Very stupid move. We called literally everyone we know with a car that lives

in Eureka. They were all on mushrooms. Or getting sucked. Yeah, they mixed up their ketamine with their bath salts and they couldn't drive. And who saved us? One. Bobby Crane. Attorney at White Claw. Attorney at White Snake.

Yeah, Bobby put down the piece and pipe and came to pick us up. We didn't exclude Bobby. He just had... Bobby, explain what you've been up to. I've been doing homework. Now, when you say homework, tell the folks at home what that means. It means work that I don't do at school, I do at home. Oh, wow. Okay. You're going to be a good lawyer. Alright, pretty good. You really gave me the old law school jujitsu on that one. I've got to plead the seven and a half.

Yeah, right. Inches of shit. Yeah. That's better. Yeah. Your Honor, I coiled the bowl. Ball's in your court. I've taken the two very small, very stinky shits since I've been here. That's great.

And that's it. That's not good. Well, yeah. Sam, remember that That's it. That's not good. It should be a lot bigger. Remember that time I took a dump and it was in the shape of an S and I took a picture of it and sent it to you? And you were like, why would you send me that? And I was like, you're right.

I wasn't stoked. It was like, oh cool, Bobby texted me. God damn it. We've been friends for 12 years. That was the fourth text he ever sent me. I said, S is for Sam. It was impressive. It was.

Yeah, it was like he went and gathered up a bunch of poop from the neighborhood and made it a perfect representation of our friendship. Yeah, that sucked. Emily sends me her tits. No. Hang on. Emmy sends me cool turds that she's taken once a week. I don me your tits. No. Hang on. Emmy sends me cool turds that she's taken once a week.

I don't know. I hate it. That's really awful. I hate it, too. She thinks it's really funny. One looked like the Loch Ness Monster. It, like, stuck up out of the water. Whoa. She's doing that?

It was all blurry. She's doing it. Yeah. Whoa. Uh-huh. Yeah, she's a girl. I don't know about that. Women's poops smell worse than men because of the hormones in blood. That's true. Yeah, she's a girl. I don't know about that. Women's poops smell worse than men

because of the hormones in blood. That's true. Yeah, it sucks. Wow. Like, Emily would clear out a barn if she dumped it. All the horses and burros would run out. Like a storm was coming.

Yeah, exactly. It was digging holes. Birds smashing into windows. Yeah, hers suck. But yeah, Bobby had to do homework, so he couldn't hang out with us today, because he keeps sacrificing for the good of his future. I was sending you and Megan pictures, and I didn't know if it was better or worse. It's like, you're not here

but I'm trying to show you some cool shit. I saw Sharpie on a bridge. Is that the only one? I thought I was sending you more than that. Alright, well. He just forgot about you completely. There were tall trees. You guys told me about it. You're like, I saw a bird.

Yeah. I was like, alright. A bird in one of the aviaries took a fat shit, and then like two seconds later, dad and daughter stood there. And the bird was still up above, and I was like, come on. Shake it out. Shit some more. But it didn't happen. Damn.

Oh, man. Everybody that had kids was really getting to me, because they're so young. Many of them were so young, it's like they're not even going to remember it. But parents act like the kids, like everybody should make the kids feel special and magical. It's like, no.

These kids should fucking realize, like, get out of the way. Shut up. Not everything is about you. And the zoo sucks. You shouldn't be selling that to your kids also. This zoo sucks and it's depressing. There's no reason to look at this empty cage.

Let's move on. Yeah, that fucking poor red panda escaped communist China. Absolutely. Came over here. Now it has to live in the woods. Sucks, man. I felt bad. There were these really cool half-pig, half-hippos

Called peccaries Those were cool For some reason, Lund understood every word they were saying He was translating Now what do you call it? A porcupotamus? Mmm, pigopotamus Okay, well

I waited to deliver it with Gus Doe I couldn't remember That's a drawing someone should do of us But it was Walking around in the canopy up above On those rope bridges That was beautiful There was shit in my pants

I asked right before we went I asked Nathan I'm pretty sure Sam's scared of heights He was like no He would have said something I'm pretty sure. And you were. You thought it was me or Bobby. Oh, I thought it was you.

I thought it was one of the two of you. Bobby's only afraid of Satan because he owes money. He's not afraid of anything in this realm. Meanwhile, I go off a curve and I'm like, fingers crossed, I'm going to hit the ground. Well, that's because you need your ankles to support you. That's a whole other...

Well, the veteran whose ankles I have in my legs now, that brave man who died in Da Nang, he gave up his shin so I could crawl. And I just hate being high up above the ground. Yeah. And then we're on rickety rope swings. Yeah. And Zach Moss is like...

Rope bridge. We weren't swinging from tree to tree. We were tarzanning around up there. And it was hellish and scary, but I did it so you guys wouldn't call me a dickless baby. Which is the only reason I ever do anything brave. So my wife will still let me honk.

Dickless babies hope that they can escape China much like red pandas. So they don't get killed. It's political wow it's all in commentary that's what your

deposition was about right take less babies from China yeah I gave birth no I can't do the voice

I gave birth to a I'll leave this one whoa look at you showing restraint well I don't know I don't want to get us in trouble

what was that accent you were about to do that was Serbian oh I'm not good at accents yeah

we gotta be nice but the festival has been a it's been a weekend together yeah man shit to be able to

have high planes a few weeks ago and this as like two times in a short amount of time to all be together was unexpected. I didn't think it would happen at both. Yeah. I thought maybe Bobby could make one work, but not the other. Bobby drove down. Yeah. I didn't know if I was going to come to this one. I didn't really want to fly, because it's still weird. Because the plane sometimes doesn't take off when you're aboard.

Because planes don't make sense. I don't get it. This is too heavy to be up in the air. Look, there's not 35 shrimp on this plane. I don't want to go. All you can eat tails? Alright, I'm back in. Leave the tails.

That's like a strong quartering a shot. There was a guy on my flight that was missing a foot and a leg, like most of his shin. And he got cold on the flight and expected a blanket from a flight attendant and I was like

nobody's gonna tuck you in on this plane you shouldn't have worn shorts bitch he was like 70 he just called a 70 year old one legged man a bitch oh yeah you shivering ass bitch I'm chilly

his wife was like you gotta twist the You shivering ass bitch. I'm chilly. His wife was like, you gotta twist the air so that it doesn't blow on you. He was like, I already did that. And I wanted to be like, yeah, well, wear a long sleeve shirt next time or bring a jacket. And they thought it was going to be hot in Arcata, Eureka.

They're like, is it warm here? And the flight attendant was like, no, I think it's... She looked it up. She's like, oh yeah, it's 59 degrees. And she was like, I thought it was gonna be warm. And I was like, yeah, you fucking idiots. Go back to Texas and or Florida.

I had a flight experience which I don't know where I stand on this. They called in a second plane and taped it together so that you could rest comfortably. How many seats did you have to buy you fat load? How much did you eat today?

Let's dissect. Let's cut you open. Okay, you want to know what I ate today? Oh yeah, you had your special bread which actually is better than I thought it was. And you had a salamander, a snake, a spider. They are not getting along.

It's like a gift you give a Chinese prince, and it's all inside of me right now. No, I didn't eat anything crazy. Fine. I had a hamburger, I had a hot dog. I had some shrimp, I had some salmon. I didn't go full Lund. Oh yeah, some salmon. I didn't go full Lund. Yeah, I forgot.

I didn't go culinary freakout. You're in good shape. Yeah, exactly. The biggest laugh you got yesterday was when you spent your whole 2020 lifting weights and reading books. Yeah. Because people didn't believe either of those things happened. No, it's because of the great tag. No, they were laughing at the prison.

They were laughing at the setup. Uh, no. I'm on a plane, believe it or not. They let me in. I have the window. I always stay in the window.

This is on my flight to Seattle on Thursday. These two zoo escapees come up to me, and the guy gets in the middle. he's probably

a cross between chris and bobby perfect yeah exactly so normal sized nice uh healthy not a freak and yeah for comparison i had two hot dogs at lunch exactly we had a stroopwafel and you had breakfast at 8am, so. Anyway. Just saying. Is that your phone card? No. No? Okay. So, we're partying. I'm not partying.

I'm on the plane trying to go to bed. And this guy gets in the middle and then Lady Lund shows up and she's just... Creech? Oh. No, no. Female.

Yeah, one lady who looks like you. Built like you. Mustache. And they're together and she sits down. Yeah, a lady who looks like you. Built like you. Mustache. And they're together, and she sits down. She's taking up way too much room. And the guy, instead of pushing back against his wife, he's leaning on me. What? Yeah.

What? So I'm elbowing. There's a cold war for the armrest. He keeps trying to snake underneath me, and eventually I just plop and lock it in. And he keeps putting his hand on top of mine. Really? Yeah, because he's trying to not make his morbidly obese girlfriend feel bad for taking up too much room. So it's romantic. It's a kind thing to do. But at the same time, it's like, look, if you buy the pig, you're a realist. Yeah.

You're like, listen, you're not going to get any quarter from here yeah no what are you doing I've been on a plane before he's wearing hiking boots so I had to keep protecting my space because this guy didn't want to make his lady feel bad which is a very kind thing to do I was empathetic

but it's like dude you gotta fucking take up her space because she can't take up mine when there's someone in the middle of us. It's not like she doesn't know she's fat. Exactly. And I get it. I'm huge. I've definitely ruined a lot of flights.

Exactly. I'm usually the guy who's on someone else's podcast being described. Right, right. Because I'm the worst to sit next to. I don't doubt that. Especially when I'm sleepy. And your giant legs and tiny, tiny shorts. I would be terrified to sit next to you.

You snore with your mouth open. I don't snore. Yeah, you don't. Snore out your mouth. That's me faking it. That's why I don't have to talk to you guys. You guys are trying to prank me. Oh, my mouth's open.

Hope no one puts a dick in there. I'd be nuts. I'm asleep. It wouldn't count. We're in the air. Yeah, no, I don't snore.

A mile high job. Two for two. Yes. It doesn't take a lot of swings, but they're all home runs. Yeah, so,

I mean, I do, it is, it does suck to sit next to me on a plane, so I empathize with this woman

who shouldn't be allowed anywhere off the ground. She should have to live a completely terrestrial life down there where she can eat all the twigs she finds. But she's in the sky and going to Seattle, probably so they can sell her by the pound at the Pike's Plate Market. Oh, wow.

I had enough of her antics. What'd you do, Nothing? I didn't do shit. Of course not. No. I just elbowed him as he tried to pretend this was working. Damn. Yeah. I hated it. But I do fall asleep on people all the time.

Yeah, Bobby. I forgot. Bobby couldn't see the trees today, but he had that nice drive down from Portland so that's cool because it is great to see these giant old ass trees and be like oh yeah we've been here on this planet for like

two seconds compared to these old bastards that's how I feel when I hang out with you I've barely been alive I haven't seen shit. You've got plenty more life left to live compared to this fossil. It is nice to just be here together and not around, you know.

Festivals aren't that cool. Yes, I do. Festivals are exhausting. They're great. Ideally, you do shows for a weekend. It's like one to two shows a night with two to three other comics. Whether they're different comics each night or the same comics, it's a couple other people on each show with you.

Festivals are 90 shows, 300 comics. You perform four times each day. Yep. Noon, 1, 3, 7, and 11. Whatever the fuck. They're milking me. It's a lot. Well, yeah, you've been cumming too much.

Yeah, I know. You come up here, and they bring you dry, and then you go home. I'm a cum sponge. Bring me out. And you cry to Emily about how tired you are. I don't ever cry in front of my wife. They used me.

I cry in front of, I've cried in front of my wife twice. You're a therapist. And it was, How often do you cry in front of the dog? Gordy's never seen me cry.

No. Yeah, no way. I don't believe it. Sometimes when there's a commercial about a veteran getting a new leg, that'll get me. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, but no way. I don't believe it. Sometimes when there's a commercial about a veteran getting a new leg, that'll get me. Wouldn't get lawned, apparently.

He didn't lose it defending our country. You don't know. It seemed like a lifestyle thing. He lost it defending the American way of life by eating blizzards five times a week. No, he was defending his plate full of shrimp from other buffet goers. We had a similar story. You and him aren't that different.

Yeah, no. I winked at him. I was like, I get cold too sometimes, pops. You can use my spare blanket. You should have kept him warm. I had two hoodies. I didn't give him shit. You've been talking about this two hoodie thing a lot.

It can get chilly here because we're close to the water, so I brought two hoodies, but... Double up on the hoodies. I didn't double up. I didn't need it yesterday, and I don't think I'm going to need it tonight. Have you been cold? No, I looked up the weather, and I'm an adult, so I brought appropriate clothing. Wow. Damn.

I rest my case. Your Honor. Was it today or last night where I was laughing because I was like, you're literally going to have to say Your Honor and not crack up. You're going to be in a courtroom like, your honor? We always laugh about the first time we're in a judge saying, your majesty.

Object to yourself. Sustained. Just take it. I'll take it from here. Your excellence. Your excellence. I am ejection. Oops. Your excellence. Your excellence. I am ejection. Oops, I'm erect. Sorry.

Object. Fuck. Object. I object. Use me. Object, son. That's my boy. Oh, man. Yeah, the show's been good, man.

Yeah, the show's been good, though. I mean, they've been better than any time we've been here before. Without a doubt. Except for that one that I did in the rec room. Yeah. Whatever that place was. Dispensary. That place sucked.

Yes. There was nobody there. That was a real comedy for the love of comedy. Comedy to seven other comedians all sitting in the back of the room. Who know it would be rude to take off after you watched their set. Absolutely. So that was a fun time. Best part of that set was sliding onto the stage.

Yeah, and you hurt your elbow. I did. I'm an old man. I can't run and slide like I used to. That's okay. You're good on the ice. You and Bobby cutting it up on the ice whenever you get it, and then I'm just like penguin walking across it. That's the only time I'm really like super envious of you two

is when I see you guys on ice. I love ice. I know. I hate ice. It's my least favorite experience. When did you, when have you guys done that? Oh,

every time they're near ice. Even when there was an ice, we were slipping and sliding around Paris. Yeah, on the wet cobblestones. And I'm meanwhile on all fours crawling like a dog.

I hate falling down. It's a long way down for the ham clown. They don't know what to do for whales in Paris, so it makes sense. This is a body positive podcast. Whose idea was it? Nothing but that change. Yeah, well, guess what? Look who we're with, dude. this is a body positive podcast whose idea was it nothing but fat shamed yeah well guess what look who we're with

this is our time to shine we can do whatever we want you know about fat shamed was a comic from Michigan she's very small and at that show you were just talking about Sharpie she mentioned watching my 600 pound life with her like new boyfriend

they were hooking up making out and she was like some of you are like why would you do that you know while you're watching my 600 pound life and I have to say everything that your partner does is sexy when you're watching my 600 pound life because he could have gotten up halfway through the show and been like I'm gonna go

take a shit and I would have been like unassisted? it was fucking hilarious. I was like, we're not supposed to make fun of those people, but I'm laughing. She got away with it. I know why.

Because she's very funny. She did it with nuance. Nuance. She she's very funny. She did it with nuance. She walked a fine line. Fine and neat. Very fine line. Oh wait, whose idea was it for me and Sam to throw you? My idea.

Make you, or like, gliding style. I wanted you guys to throw me and then I would slide across the ground to the mic

for my opening and then the more that I thought about logistically how that would have to happen it sounded more and more painful

yeah I think it would have been I think you would have been more hurt than funny no no no than hurting your elbow oh yeah for sure doing it on your own you would have been I think you would have been more hurt than funny no no no than hurting your elbow

oh yeah for sure doing it on your own you would have broken a rib yeah and it would have been hilarious but yeah we would have

accidentally how was it so slippery like a bowling ball it was like a racquetball court yeah it was like the inside in your socks no

I ran and slid like baseball oh on your belly yeah exactly it was great it was a good move everyone was like holy shit this guy's I ran and slid like baseball. Oh, on your belly. Yeah, exactly. It was great. It was a good move. Everyone was like, holy shit, this guy's the man.

Yeah, and then I had to do my jokes after, which was a huge disappointment. Yeah, because there was three people there. Well, and my jokes. How do you follow up a belly slide with my comedy? I don't know. Oh, thank you. Yeah. I can't do anything cool like that. You did good.

I can't do anything cool like that you did good everybody was into that show because even though the set up was bad the comics told their jokes and they were good how about that show last night the late night?

no, the one outside at the Kmart the old Kmart at the weed spa where it was not only freezing but also raining and there wasn't a spotlight to see how the comedians... But there was a bubble machine pumping out turps. So there's... I'm not even sure what turps are.

Something to do with weed. Turp is what makes the weed smell and taste that way, I think. There we go. And so these bubbles are filled with turps are. Something to do with weed. Turp is what makes the weed smell and taste that way, I think. There we go. And so these bubbles are filled with turps, somehow. A bubble machine. Right. And so that way, when the bubble bursts, it smells like weed without ever having to smoke

weed in there. Yeah, finally. The dumbest invention in the history of time. Because I know when I want to reek like weed, I don't want a sick buzz. Yeah, absolutely. It's like, you know, can we top the worthlessness and pseudoscience of CBD? I think we can.

Let's just have it be smells. With a bubble machine that's... And the whole point of that was to make things smell better, but this bubble machine is outside. It's like it didn't do anything to fuck anybody. And also, everyone's smoking weed. So it already reeks like weed here.

What a fucking disaster. One went on and kept throwing me under the bus. Yeah? Yeah. That hurt. Nothing new. What did I do? We did have a chance to pants you really bad,

and we didn't. And we should have there. Long ago, I told him I won't if he doesn't pants me, because it's just as fun to give someone the fear of pantsing them, like I could have, but I didn't. It's just as good as doing it. That's true, but I could have you.

Yeah, that's right. But I did not make that agreement, and I could have done it. I kind of wish I did. It would have been hilarious. Go crazy. Pants me all you want tonight. I thought about done it and I should have I kind of wish I did it would have been hilarious go crazy pants me all you want tonight I thought about doing it while you're on stage too

how? just coming up and doing it you wouldn't have expected it if I walked up on the stage with a beer or something you would have been like oh tight and then I pantsed you

you would have loved it it would have been better than my closer last night that's a fact the man whose balls turned into hands that was also something That was also something we came up with together.

I've been on fire lately. Oh yeah, you're my head writer. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, that one didn't hit that hard. No. And I don't know why. It is funny. It's got all the parts. Well. The recipe's there. It's a visual. Say it. This is my impression

of a man whose balls just turned into hands and then I put my hands down through my shorts and turn around and say help I was Bobby loved it it ruled, I really saved that show

thankfully what I'm most nervous about here is Lund burying me he'll tell everyone that. Even if he doesn't bury me. It always will be like, I buried you. You suck. Like that time at Rita's Lump.

That didn't happen, dude. You struggled. I did not struggle. You dug yourself out of the crater I left. No. You're like a dinosaur. I was. No. You're like a dinosaur. I was the comet. Yeah, you're contested by science.

It was bad that night for other people, but we were good. What? Rita's Law? Rita's Law. Yeah, and that place is closed now, so we win. Yeah, take that. That woman's business. That woman's dream.

What else has happened up here? Anything kooky or spooky or altogether ooky? This whole fucking town is spooky and ooky. Yeah. There was somebody, Bobby was saying this yesterday, and then I saw him today. People just walking their dogs in our backyard of our Airbnb. Like, they just opened the gate, and they were like, this is what we do. We're just neighborhood people who let our dogs in your yard for a while.

That's pretty weird. Well, I mean, our... This whole place is just kooky. Our Airbnb owner came over yesterday with three of her friends and sat at the kitchen table for a while. That's true. Spinning yarns and holding court. It was like Bobby in here. They were holding court.

Bobby was like, uh, your honor? I wish I was honor. Whoa. Nice. That was hot. Dude. Remember, I kept being like, can you touch your elbows behind your back? That's how you know you're a genius.

Yeah, she was so hot. Also, the fridge here. Sorry, what were you going to say? She bonked her noodle, huh? She has a head wound now, which means you got a shot. Her egg scrambled. That's not true. You can tempt her with your... What'd she do, do you know?

I don't know, some terp-related incident. No, no, no. She said she was, like, pulling on... I thought she was pulling on part of, like, a tent that they set up in the back there. She was, like, unhooking something.

I don't know. He fucking knows. She probably told three different stories because she's very high. Oh, she's so high. It was hilarious when she came over to show us, like, all these turpentine products and stuff. Turpentine. Whatever the fuck.

And she showed us her thing, and then the first thing that she, she's like, this one's this. And then she brought it back, and you asked, you're like, what kind is that? And she goes, I already forgot. It was like one second into the presentation. I know, I was like, are they doing like a pyramid scheme presentation right now? What is going on? I want to do a human pyramid with her.

Absolutely. I want to be on top and bottom. Ride me around, lady. God, that would be awesome. Absolutely. I want to be on top and bottom. Ride me around, lady. God, that would be awesome. Absolutely. Saddle her up. Dude, she...

She was cheeked. And she was big, like, tall. Mm-hmm. That would be fun for me. Yes. Crawl over her like a tree.

Oh, dude. Like one of those little monkeys. Be that red panda. Absolutely. Yeah. Me and him would be the peccaries

watching from the next cage. Scratching your asses. Yeah. God damn. Yeah, Me and him would be the pecker. He's watching from the next gauge. Scratching your asses. Yeah. God damn. Yeah, she really has it going on. And she has a gift for us tonight. She did? Yeah.

She mentioned that multiple times. Mm-hmm. Oh, that's exciting. It's probably going to be something stupid that I can't take home. There's probably going to be a couple of XXXL shirts that say, Weed Me. Yeah. Turplandia. Mm-hmm. They sponsor this pod now,

so that sucks. We shouldn't rag on them. Turplandia. That's right. It's the dumbest name. Turplandia. So any big hopes for tonight? I want to get Bobblade. Me too. Oh, shit. I'm into it! Yeah. But you have insanely high standards. I want to get Bob laid Me too Oh shit

I'm into it Yeah But you have insanely high standards You refuse to Play in the mud As you call it No peccaries For this piccadillo

Yeah He only wants Sandville cranes Play in the mud Yeah I'll go to Whirl I'll roll around Oh alright at Sandville Cranes. Play in the mud? Yeah. I'll go to Whirl. Roll around.

Oh, alright. Things are great. Then things are looking up because there's a lot of mud here. Oh, yeah, dude. We're in Adobe Village and we're just got a hose. We're melting it all. You weren't looking on

any apps dating apps? Oh, here? Yeah. No. What? I'm trying to impregnate some townie. There's colleges. You're trying to impregnate some stranger.

Are you trying to impregnate someone else who doesn't live in town? Yeah, who are you trying to impregnate? I'm not trying to impregnate anybody, but there's only townies here, as far as I can tell. Because I know there's been a couple opportunities for you historically on the road where me and Lon and Chris were like, get her. She's so hot, get her, buddy. Get, get, get. Hey, buddy, go and nut her down.

Come on, bud, nut her down. How did I describe that head wound lady? You know what? The hot gash with the head gash? Something like that. Yeah, that was fun. But, yeah, I don't know, Bob. Describe your ideal partner for this weekend.

What? Yeah, what do you want? I can pick them out. I know a lot of gals up here. Really? No. Oh. Yeah, but we can find them tonight.

I know what you're looking for. I. Do you want a girl who looks like every girlfriend you've ever had? Yeah. Okay, cool.

Easy. That state-issued girlfriend you were assigned at birth. Your Honor, this is my type. Oh yeah, remember when we were talking

we asked these two who their favorite porn stars were, and Bobby's looked like every girlfriend he's had? I was like, your favorite porn star looks like women you've already dated? Yeah, it was like a really attainable seven. It's like, oh, okay. I was like, wow, that's your fantasy,

huh? Yes, please. Your Honor, my client can't defend himself. Your Majesty, bowing.

You guys' favorite porn star you had the same one as you recall as you recall what about her you don't like her eyebrows or some shit don't you

boobs are too big alright you just got disbarred he just passed the TARD exam Okay, well, you just got disbarred. He just passed the TARD exam. Yeah, I mean, they're huge. I want a woman who could pummel me with her hands tied behind her back. You know?

I want to feel small. I've never smelt little. Smelt little? I've never smelt little either. I smell huge. Yes, you do. I guess you do. I reek big. I would,

maybe we should hire Gianna to bang Bobby. She does that now. Who's Gianna? Whoa, Gianna Michaels. I mean, his favorite gal. Yeah,

but he wouldn't even care. Oh. He wouldn't care, but it'd be fun for us because he hates it. Can we be there? Yeah. Oh,

cool. That's for sure part of the deal yeah nice I'm in on that too whoa well I'll pitch I gotta that'd be cool

I got a long time now I can't I'll be like ew gross I hate this what prostitution? no you love prostitution yeah yeah yeah

you're a huge fan yeah yeah you keep the whole industry afloat up there in Portland you're always whoring sucks workers are workers hell yeah yeah You keep the whole industry afloat up there. You're always whoring. Sucks workers are workers. Hell yeah.

Yeah. You pay them by the half mile. You're going to defend them. Yeah. Yeah, when you're done getting pedophiles off on a picture in your wallet. That's you. Oh, man. That's you Oh man That's you cross-examining Pedophile

You like this? Yeah What about this one? Not bad What about the case? Bobby was a kid What about their turn to rap? Yeah

Invisible sailor, huh? How hard are you? Your Honor, can you instruct the defendant to stand up? You have, like, that thing you play a triangle with. You go up and hit his dong. Your Honor, the defendant refuses to rise, so can you leave and re-enter the courtroom, please? So he has to?

That'd be cool. Bobby convicting pedos. Instead of, you know, helping them rape more. Ah, damn! I know you don't helping them rape more. Ah, damn! I know you don't call it rape. So, Bobby, you're the only future attorney we've ever had on the pod.

What's that feel like? I don't... I don't know, man. This is fun. What, you being asked direct questions? Yeah, you put me on the spot. Everybody's having a laugh. Well, I'm trying to involve you.

Because you're the mysterious stranger. I'm not a stranger. You guys have been my best friends for like 14 years. To the listenership. Oh. Yeah, they don't know anything about you. And we always have to edit out fun stories. Oh, yeah.

We're constantly cutting Bobby anecdotes. Because you have a bright, beautiful future. We have to protect you. I've said so much inflammatory shit on here and I've never cut it, but we have cut stuff in your honor. I appreciate it. You're welcome.

And it's your majesty. The Burger King? What? That's Bobby. The food court? Oh, there it is. You're going to be dis-sabarroed. How have we never done food court of law?

That's huge. Whoa. Now we can write the strip law. Whoa, brain. Save it for the page. You got it, brain. You old slut. Food court of law.

One's the bailiff. Bailiff of hate They just pay you And all the trays They clean up There you go I think it's Orange chicken I don't care

I already ate it You guys want to Plug anything? No You do shows anymore Sherpy? Yeah I do shows I don't

Have anything to plug necessarily. I'm doing some shows in Los Angeles. Keep your eye out for the shows I'm doing in Los Angeles. Mm-hmm. Around... We don't have any L.A. listeners. November, great. All of our listeners, like, work in a hospital on a reservation as a janitor.

Fantastic. Yeah, a bunch of bricklayers. I will hopefully be overdosing soon and seeing you in your hospitals. Yeah, when you go to Lakota Nation. Mm-hmm. Take too much fake money. I have nothing going on. Moment to moment.

You have your girlfriend. I have my girlfriend that I love dearly. Too sweet. She has him. She totally got him. Yeah. And they rule. Both of them.

Now, Bob, have you ever had a woman who had a breast Yes Okay You are under oath Yeah you've had a history Of non busty gals Lovely women What about Manya though

She had them I'm not saying anything about of non-busty gals. Lovely women. What about Manya, though? She had them. I'm not saying anything about specific people. She doesn't listen. I think you're right. Now, if you were asked a question like that in a court of law, how would you answer it without lying? What was the question?

What about Manya? She had huge ones. I don't remember. I don't recall. First of all, why am I on the stand? I'm asking the question. I've sworn you in. You put your hand on a stack of Maxim magazines. You have to tell me

who's got them or not. Miranda Gross. Bobby puts his hand on a picture of Ren Stevens from Ethan Stevens. Which is clearly the first person to ever give you a boner based on your dating history. Oh yeah, Bob, you love handjobs. I didn't know that you loved them.

I love them. I'm like fine with them, but I didn't know I love them. You guys don't like them. I don't ever need one again. I like getting started with one, and then that quickly has to stop, because it's like, all right, we all have better parts. Let's say 90% of the blowjobs that I've gotten are not good. What? And I just start laughing. Whoa.

What? It sucks. Dude, what? What, dude? I didn't have a sense. Yeah. Maybe flat-chested women don't know how to get blowjobs. Yeah, sometimes.

Maybe that's what we're finding out right now. Maybe titless broads can't slurp. Mm-hmm. It's possible. God damn it. Puppies getting gulped by flat ones. That's what's so funny

about it. Yeah. Because they can't make milk, so they can't milk you. There you go. It all makes sense. It's science stuff.

Hand jobs, huh? Yeah. I got a lot of eye contact. You freak. Oh, man. I haven't had a hand job since like ninth grade. An eye contact hand job. Yeah.

I like that. This feels good. That's my wiener in your hand. Thank you, Your Honor. I rest my case! The defense comes! The defense needs a nap. Ken, if you say the defense rests,

are you done? You can't, like, no backstreet on that? The defense rests. you done? You can't like No backstories on that The defense rests Oh wait wait wait No I forgot My fingers were crossed

I forgot he's innocent Yeah You check your file The defense rests Oh no I forgot exhibit A B C

And D The defense rests And you look at like A picture of a hotter boy. Oh, no. Where was this seven hours ago? Hand job, Bobby. The grindcore lawyer. Sam, where are you going to be next?

I will be in Rochester, Minnesota on Thursday, the 13th or 14th of October. Thursday, that week. And I'm going to be at Sisyphus Brewing Company in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Come out to that. It was in my special. I love that room.

Come through. And after that, I'm opening for Canaan and fucking Stanhope for a week, so you don't need to worry about those shows. You don't want people to go? I mean, they can, but I think the tickets are already sold. I'll be in Philadelphia on Tuesday the 19th, Hamden, Connecticut

on the Wednesday of that week. I'll be in Northampton, Massachusetts on that Thursday. I'll be in Northampton, Massachusetts on that Thursday. I'll be in Boston on... Boring! Yeah. These aren't even the right dates.

I think I'm in Boston on Saturday. Oh, I'm in Albany, New York on Thursday. So there you go, guys. The capital. Say hello to my family on the East Coast. I will. I'll be like Lift up a rock Hey

We all live under one rock They're gonna tie you down like Gulliver I hope so, I hope they travel Walk into your butt Your honor, that's my butt He starts banging his gavel in there Yeah Make the defendant prove that he knows what a butt looks like?

Can you make a defendant draw something? I don't think so. Can you draw your ideal sexual partner? Pictionary rules. Gianna. Ren Stevens, though, huh?

I don't... Yeah, I didn't... You don't recall who that is? I'm older than you. All right, who that is I'm older than you I'm older than you let me see if I can get one for you how about Lucille Ball Shirley Temple

your honor we got him did she die young or did she grow up uh oh Bobby I need your services Bobby get me off. Because that's what I did. Shirley Temple style.

Anyway, we can wrap it up. There's a magazine called Shirley Temple. It's just a bunch of pictures of Shirley Temple. And it's just pedophiles by it. And in Shirley Temple's memoir, like her tell-all, there's a whole chapter about all the different laps she sat on. Yeah.

Yeah, it's just like, all the laps I've known. And it's just like all these famous men who gave her a ride. Oh, no. Stabbed her. With their dick. No, I know.

Don't call it stabbing. Oh, sure. Oh, yeah. It's so uncouth. You're the one that brought it up. Well, what was it that he was? Was it scandalous?

Becker doesn't do shit. You think he's going to edit the end? Yeah. Give us the first two seconds and then publish it. Checks in the mail. So, did Eisenhower

stab her in the thigh or what? Yeah, FDR. He was the most famous what FDR got a boner somehow that's how hot this kid was he really desecrated her temple I don't know who the hottest one was

I don't know who the hottest man Mickey Mantle yeah I think Lou Gehrig that was his last act I consider myself the horniest man Yeah, I think Lou Gehrig. That was his last act. I consider myself the horniest man. That's the button. Yeah.