Chubby Behemoth - Schrodinger’s BJ

Episode Date: October 23, 2022

Half Hot Cheeto. Sous Vide Ham. Get The Fries Ready. Patrick Richardson. Austin Black.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Our Sponsor This Week: https://www.qpsauce.com Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

Welcome to Trubby Behemoth, I'm Nathan Lund, and I'm sad. You haven't said anything. Has it started yet? You're just shrugging? Help me out, Austin. I think the new Nathan looks really good. Thank you. People have been saying this. Old Nathan's gross as fuck.

New Nathan? Old Nathan looks really good. Thank you. People have been saying this. Old Nathan's gross as fuck. New Nathan? Old Nathan's busted down. He's an old junked out couch that hobos sleep on. He's like a fucking piece of furniture at a hotel that got bag bugs. And then they just threw it on the street. Now a bunch of fucking hobos

have bad butt sex on top of him. That's Nathan. That's what he reminds me of. The stained man. Yeah, that's right. The torn upholstery himself. That's Nathan. That's what he reminds me of. The stained man. Yeah, that's right. The torn upholstery himself, Nathan Lund. Nathan, the put your hands inside of me and find change Lund.

Nathan, the crevices of my couch body are filled with fucking used needles Lund. Yeah, every time he takes a shower, coins fall off of him. That was a Jordan Jaldo one time. Jordan Dal joke. God damn it. Look, I'm tired, okay?

I am too. I haven't had any nutrients today because I've been worried about Lund, and now we're going to get the stains out of his upholstery. We have to restuff his pillows, Austin. He stained his skin with Hot Cheeto dust. That's how much he eats Hot Cheetos. Yeah, it's embedded in the subcutaneous layer of his skin. That's subcutaneous.

Have you even heard that word before? You know subcute? I didn't know there was even two ways to say it. You've had acutaneous. Have you even heard that word before? You know subcute? I didn't know there was even two ways to say it. You've had a meet cute. Have you had a subcute? I've never had a subcute. You ever had a cute sub from Jimmy John's? It's a little sub that has a bow on its head.

I know Ryan, the cashier. He's giving me a cute sub every now and then. Hey, don't name drop. What did you just say? Ryan. Ryan who? No, he's not a real person. Ryan Casuary? Is that what you said? Yeah, that's who I you just say ryan ryan who right he's not no he's not a real person ryan casuary is that what you said yeah that's who i said ryan is your brain stuffed with

the same stuff that's inside of nathan's pillows you need to be reupholstered nathan actually gave birth to me and i'm uh half hot cheeto yeah you were a little wet egg and you came dropping out of his coacula or whatever's called. What is that now? A coacula? Yeah. A coaca? Cloaca, I think. Cloaca.

Birds have a pussy and a shithole and a baby pussy, too. And it's all one little hole. Damn. And Lund has that, too. And he drops wet eggs, and they go on to be decent road features. I wish I was featuring tonight. They go on to be secretly Mexican. You're going to have to kill me. So Austin Black's here, everybody.

Yeah. Hey, hey. There's no reason you know who the fuck he is, except for, I don't know what we should say. I don't know what we should say, what your biggest credit is in the Chubby Behemoth universe. Oh, yeah. No, I don't think you should.

But just know, hey, I've been around. Yeah. Unless you've said around. So Austin fucked Lun's wife. And now Lun's married to a cassowary. He plugged Creech's little cloaca. Would you ever fuck one of our wives?

I think so. Oh, fuck, dude. I just ordered coffee up into my nasties.'s an honest answer your wife's hot well i like how he considered it it was like a heavily you know austin is a thoughtful guy yeah you're a thoughtful guy well there's like two sides of it there could be like an evil way of doing it but then if you would rape our wives yeah you went to the consent hall and burn it down. Yeah. Okay, then let's focus on the good side of like, maybe you guys want me to.

So I'm asking, you think I want you to come and cuff me? You don't have to be there. No, I'm saying like, let's say I'm not around. I'm on the road and you're in an airport bar and my wife comes in. And she's had a terrible day. Awful day. And you sidle up to her. Let's role play it.

I'll be my wife. You be you. Okay. We're at the airport bar in Dallas-Fort Worth. I'll be the bartender. You're the bartender. Can I get a Glenn Fittich straight? Yeah, coming right up, big guy.

Thank you. Oh, I'm my wife. He blew it. Let's start it over. Okay. It was 50-50. I couldn't remember. Hey, toots, what can I get you?

Can I get, do you guys have, do you have sangria? Yeah, we got sangria. Can I get a sangria? No problem. Thank you. Hey, what's up, big guy? Hey, I'll take a Paloma, and yeah, that's going to be it. Okay.

Paloma. It's a great order. You know what? Make that two. So what am I supposed to do with this fucking sangria I poured you, bitch? Hey. Hey. We'll split it.

Wow. Fucking assholes. Glad one of you is a gentleman. Anytime. Hi, my name is Emily Hi, I'm Austin I was just scrolling through my phone Thinking about how this one guy, Sam Talent, fucking sucks

Hey, that's my husband Have you read his book? It's pretty good Oh, you're a fan of my husband? Yeah I guess we are at the airport He's pretty big in airports Yeah

Why would you say that? Because he's actually done me wrong in the past. How? He had sex with my mom. Wait, is your name Austin Black? It is. Didn't he give you all types of opportunities when you weren't worthy of them? Didn't he push you on that Mark Masters show?

The bartender knows about the comedy. You like Mark Masters too? Yeah, he's really funny sam loves him okay yeah he's a decent guy yeah a decent guy he's my husband uh you know what never mind do you want the sangria now can i get it to go no we're at the airport oh but you can take something else to go what me jesus christ. Get out of here, kid. Fuck you guys. What the hell? Can you call airport security, please? Yeah. TSA.

What is this guy? He says his last name's Black. TSA stands for tits and ass. Tits. Sucking ass. Bring him over. Man, you really blew it. You had a shot with my wife. Yeah, I don't know why I went heel. I don't either.

What's the matter with you? Now the bartender is going. I guess I wouldn't know how to get your wife. Hey, okay, let's try this. Okay? You be my wife and I'll be you. Oh, okay. I feel better being the woman.

Okay, ready? Fuck. It's been such a stressful day. What can I get you, doc? Hard day on the job? You're still on your scrubs. Yeah. Can I get... God. Can I just get a sangria?

Yeah, of course. Right up, toots. Okay, you don't have to say that. I like your outfit. I don't want no scrubs, personally. It's a good one. They look good on you. Damn, I've seen this Austin Black kid in the airport a lot. This is the first time he's ever been funny. scrubs personally but uh it's a good one you know they look good they look good on you damn i've seen this austin black kid in the airport a lot this is the first time he's ever been funny yeah

sorry my name is austin black oh sorry hi i'm emily it's nice to meet you emily it's lovely to meet you how are you today i'm good i've had a super stressful day at work and i'm sangria i'm about to fly out take one of those okay oh you. You like sangria? I love sangria, yeah. I just like anything that goes good with pool time. You know what I mean? You look like you like to get in there. Okay, all right. I like this guy.

All right. Hey, do you want to make 10K? You want to make 10K by sucking my dick? Yeah, I do, actually. Okay, let's go to the bathroom. I would love to make $10,000. See, it's that easy. It's that easy, stupid.

You want to make another 5K each? Yeah, how? Let me watch., let's go to the bathroom. I would love to make $10,000. See, it's that easy. It's that easy, stupid. You want to make another 5K each? Yeah, how? Let me watch. Oh, you want to come in? Let me watch. Okay, I'm going to be in the baby-changing bathroom, the family bathroom, down by Terminal C. Come on in. Okay.

You know what? I like you, too. I like you. I want to make $10,000 and bring the sangria, huh? Yeah, I'll bring the whole bottle if you're sucking him off and I get to watch him whip my dick out and jerk along. Yeah. Wait, you're going to be jerking? What are you saying about jerking?

$7,000 each. Okay, okay. Yeah. I'm already hard. So really all I have to pay is $3,000 to her at this point. I'll still take it. Well, you're going to get the $10,000 from me, but he's giving me $7,000. So really, I only have to come $3,000 out of pocket.

Yeah. You're coming up $17,000. this is a three-way trade everyone wins why are we still talking and i'm not sucking let's go hey that's my wife dude that's fucked up come on man jesus christ we're getting overly familiar with a woman who you've never met well i was uh i don't know i guess i just felt it in the moment yeah it was good you know what i like to think about is lun trying to have sex with my wife that would be how she'd be like no way in hell nathan no way you fucking love couch pig man i don't think you would he would not no he wouldn't have sex with his own wife he doesn't cram she's a cassowary he does not cram he's low t he's a soy boy oh steve young's on the. He's low-T. He's a soy boy. Uh-oh, Steve Young's on the TV. What's he have to say?

Doesn't he have Alzheimer's? No, I think he's just Mormon. Same thing. Didn't you go to Brigham Young? Yeah. This is good pod. We have to start over. Jerry Rice.

Dude, those improv scenes were good. Set alarm for one hour. You don't want that? I think Austin, we gave him too much rope up top, and he hung himself with it. He wrapped all that rope around his neck and then jumped off of our beautiful porch. That's the only way I can come.

Remember when you were like, we should podcast outside. It's delightful. There's no room. There's a little bit of room. We would have been knee to knee. Can we get out there? I don't want to.

It's too late now. How's it too late? These are long cords. Look at how much bullshit I have. Oh my God, I'm so sorry. And these are not long cords. Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I keep giving everyone opportunities and no one cares. I love you. You guys haven't asked me how I'm doing at all today. You haven't.

I woke up. What's the first thing I said to you this morning? I felt like you called me a name. No, I didn't. I went like this. I went back to bed. That's what didn't. I went like this. I went back to bed. That's what I said. You came out swinging. I did. You came out blasting ends. I did not. I don't blast ends. Yeah. I said one F today because I asked where you lived, where you needed your passport for. Oh, yeah. It was to get back to the place where you're from. F-City?

F-Town. Is that where you're from? That's not where I'm from. Give me your passport. Are you from Alemania? My passport, I have a good photo. Okay, cool. Do you want to see it?

What is it? It's me and I. Are you wearing an inflatable penis hat? Is it like you're at a bachelorette party? They said I couldn't wear that in the picture. Yeah, I know they couldn't, but luckily it grows out of your head naturally. You have an inflatable penis-shaped head. My head looks like a penis. How does that make you feel?

Yeah, it does. It looks like someone blew into your head and inflated it, and at night it deflates, and you just have a sack. I don't think you look like that. Yeah, but you don't know shit. You don't know anything. I don't know dick about shit. He's right.

I don't know dick about shit. Yeah. Damn, you don't know dick about shit about my dickhead no well look at those gourds they look like boobs they do that's sick how's that made you look that's something cool come on up high up high who's gay you're raising your hand nice i'm from f town yeah in f town we're all not hydrated. What? We're not hydrated. Patrick is hydrated.

Patrick's hydrated. That hot tub dried us up. It really did. We were in a tub for a while, and you loved it. You were saying it was the best day of your life. It was incredible. Yeah. I haven't been in a hot tub.

You said you hadn't been in a pool in two years. Yeah. I know. Why does that sound so sad? That was fucking sad as hell. Can I be honest with you guys? Can I be vulnerable for a minute? I teared up looking at the view after you guys left.

Okay. Whoa. I wish you didn't say that. Jesus. You are from F-Town. That $14 drink last night got me hung over today. Oh, shit. Oh, the one we split.

Yeah, you biffeded it got a double tequila soda and the a bar yeah up here at lifty's yeah scrotezilla places gross dude yeah that that that was like way too strong too it was disgusting I like that as a nightcap it's kind of nice just get like really cover up your deflated penis head you know it would have been You should wear that, like a sleepy old man, to cover up the sack of skin that your head becomes when it deflates at night. But do you think the penis head is maybe attractive to women? No.

No, they don't have a girlfriend. Your girlfriend left you. She did. It was a mutual decision. It was a mutual heartbreak. No, they're cool. Yeah, they're cool. They hung out last night.

I know, yeah. Last night? I was with you boys last night. Sorry, the night before you hung out. Splitting a tequila soda with Patrick. And you've got a Guinness like you're Scottish. Yeah, because the Scots are known for making Guinness. You absolute dipshit.

Why am I surrounding myself with retards? Why do I do it? Why do I do this? I don't need this. You like it. You like feeling like the man. I don't like feeling like the man. I am the man.

That's a cross that I bear. All right? See, you had to feel pretty good saying that. No, I didn't feel good reminding you who I am. Your hero has to remind you who he is as you're looking at him over a cornucopia of fake fruit What are you, Kobos? Today I am

You're the couch now What? I'm gonna fucking put a piece of plastic on top of you And sit on you And watch the Thanksgiving football games No That's all day event I'm gonna put cigarettes out on your arm

No You ate all day I did not eat all day No, on Thanksgiving you have eaten all day I eat at. I did not eat all day. No, on Thanksgiving you have eaten all day. I eat at night. I don't eat at all all day. I only eat at night

when the meal is served. You eat Thanksgiving dinner at night? Yes, it's dinner. Strike two for having a brain. No, that's crazy. The evidence is stacking up. When do you have Thanksgiving?

You don't because you're from an immigrant family and your dad committed fraud. You keep your damn mouth shut. I'm just saying. He's a good man and he got a pool for the family.

There's nothing wrong with that. Austin Negro joining us on Le Podcast. My parents are divorced so it was afternoon and dinner. You had two Thanksgivings? Yeah. Why aren't you Patrick-sized?

I don't know. Why haven't you committed Patrick-sized? You know what that means? What does that mean? Is that? Killing your father. Oh. That's what Lund did. Lund killed his own dad.

Like McAfee. Like McAfee. Yeah. Yeah, get on your phone. That's helping. Sorry, the blowjob girl just texted me. Who's the blowjob girl? The one that I get anonymous blowjobs from.

Why don't you hook up fucking Lonely Austin over here? Dude. There's this chick. What's her address? She lives off of that Herbs place. Yeah, of course. She lives in a building behind that. She lives behind Herbs in Denver. Whoa, she's cap hill.

And you're going to show up and knock on her door 24 7 and she puts a mask on and she comes out and she sucks you. But Patrick's not sure that she's a girl. It could be a man. I've never a girl. It could be a man. I've never seen him. It could be a man with a high-pitched voice. She doesn't make any noises.

But it gives good head. Okay. And it's kind of like Schrodinger's fucking blowjob, you know? No, no, it's Schrodinger's homosexuality. No. Yeah. Well, I guess in a sense, yeah. What kind of mask is it?

It's a carnival mask. It's a bedtime sleepy mask. Sometimes she puts like a Michael Myers mask on you. And she makes me... But not Michael Myers from Halloween. It's the comedic actor Michael Myers. Yeah, and you have to be like, yeah, baby. He's doing AP.

She makes me sing Three Doors Down. Well, that's kind of cool. So, yeah. So that way she knows where he is in the apartment at all times. So I'm not stealing her Apple Watch or whatever. Or her Apple Butter. Don't let Pat near your Apple-based products. I did open the freezer, and she had lady food.

Yeah. Lady food. You know, you can tell. It was a bunch of lipstick. She just eats lipstick like all girls do. It was just eyeliner. It was like ladies cut up into food. Oh.

Yeah, like Dahmer. Man, she sounds cool, bro. You should have brought her with us. Well, I don't know her. She's anonymous. She doesn't travel well. She can't keep the mask on the whole time. Yeah, believe it or not, the woman who gives anonymous head to guys like Pat doesn't want

to chill afterward. She doesn't have the highest self-esteem. Or it's Meghan Markle. Who's that? The prime minister of Germany? Oh, yeah. She's a cunt. How do you know? Because she sucks. She's Meghan Markle. Who's that? The prime minister of Germany? Oh, yeah, she's a cunt. How do you know? Because she sucks.

She's a prime minister. Oh, yeah, so she's bad. I forgot. Isn't she the actress? Maybe. Is she the one married to Prince Harry? Oh, yeah. No, I was thinking.

No, she still sucks. Why does she suck? I don't know. She's cool. I thought you had to like her. She's hot, right? She's pretty hot, yeah. You don't like anyone.

Well, she was in that business show. Politicians, no? What business show, Austin? It's called Suits. you had to like her. She's hot, right? She's pretty hot, yeah. You don't like anyone. Well, she was in that business show. Politicians, no. What business show, Austin? It's called Suits. It's called Suits. Oh, yeah. Can you imagine being on a fucking TBS show and then becoming prime minister's baby?

Yeah. Imagine if your initials were TBS. Terry Ballsack. Imagine if that was you, and you're just walking around, working your job, and you know your middle name is Ballsack. Imagine if that was you, and you're just walking around, working your job, and you know your middle name is Balls. Everyone just knows your name is Terry Sack. You try and hide it from everyone.

You can never be confident. Yeah. It's like, I got to check your ID, and you're like, you know what? I'm not coming in. Terry Cloth. Terry Cloth Sack. Terry Ballsack. Thank you.

Did you guys know that Steve Jobs' middle name is Hand? That's awesome. Austin, yes and or don't say anything. Don't choose yes. Oh, too much coffee. Old shaky hands over there. Has one Florentine omelet. Thinks he's the fucking man.

Yeah, I had some caramelized onions for breakfast. Florentine omelet. What did you put on top of it? Hot sauce. Cholula hot sauce. Take that to fucking Italy and see what they do. They'll hang you. Cholula sucks. Really?

Do you like anything, buddy? It's okay. You don't like anyone. You don't like anything. I love a lot of stuff. What do you like? I love you fellas. I love my elf bar.

Where's your elf bar? I can't find it. Oh, so you have nothing to love right now. Meanwhile, I'm over here sucking down Miami mint. Yeah. Tastes like Vice City. Austin, you want to start smoking? No, sir.

What if you had to start smoking to get on the show tonight? I'd take some puffs. No, no. You have to smoke a whole pack of cigs before you go on. A whole pack of cigs? Yeah. And I get to pick the brand. Yeah, and they're Marlboro 27 100s.

Those taste like Lund. Oh my God. Yeah, and also you have to smoke them while seated nude on top of Lund who's covered in plastic. Okay, that I would do. Is it Thanksgiving? It's Thanksgiving.

And it's Thanksgiving. But you only get to go to mom or dad's house. You have to pick. I have to pick which one is now going to know that I'm smoking cigarettes. On top of a new day. You have to smoke inside. Yeah, you have to fire up at the Thanksgiving table, but your chair is actually lined because he's a

couch who's covered in plastic. And whenever you breathe in, a little bit of pee comes out on the plastic. And he says, thank you. I'm thirsty. But can Nathan also make conversation? Yes. Nathan's allowed to speak, but he can only do it in black voice. So you're like, Nathan, you hungry? And he's like,

oh, you know I am, brother. And then your family's like really confused. Because you're nude, remember? Oh, yeah, because I'm naked and you're smoking. My dad's girlfriend. Yeah. Yeah, no, I think I would do that. Would you do that to get 15 minutes on the show tonight? Yes.

Okay. I do it. You know why? Well, hey, bring them in, Mark. It's your family, and we created outside that door. And Nathan's out there, too. Yeah, Nathan's out there. And he's been underneath that plastic for a while, so guess what?

He stinks. He's like a sous vide ham right now. It's full of greenhouse gases. Yeah. How about this? Instead of having to do all that, you have to walk in and introduce Patrick as your boyfriend. No, we're trying to fuck a milf tonight. No, no.

This is hypothetical Thanksgiving prank. Would you walk into your family's Thanksgiving holding hands with Patrick and say, Mommy, Mommy's boyfriend, this is patrick he's my boyfriend that'd be easy yeah and i get a free meal out of it dude no you don't get to eat what yeah they don't let the gays eat in your family what's wrong with you yeah and we can only leavey greens. What if you had to come out to your family, but instead of saying you were gay, you said that you're a bird? A castaway. You said, hi, mom and dad, I'm a castaway now. Squawk, squawk, squawk.

Here's my cloidal. Yeah. Cloidal. Coaxal. What is it? Coaxal, yeah. I don't, I, uh. Cloaca.

Cloaca. Cloaca. I think my mom would just get confused and pass out. Yeah. And then my mom's boyfriend would probably take a ride on his motorcycle for about 30 minutes. Okay. And never invite me back. What if you had to go up on the street and introduce yourself as Michael Wilbaum from PTI?

What if you had to go up on the street and say to people, Hi, I know you're just waiting for your bus, but I wanted to let you know. You have to shave your head and be black-faced. I'm Michael Wilbon. And I'm the ticker. From PTI. That I would love to do. Okay.

Because then a lot of people, I feel like, would actually know who that is. They would, yeah. Yeah, and then they would think I'm the man. They would if they weren't that familiar with the show at all. Yeah. If they had only watched the show with the sound on, but somehow the TV off. Well,

they would probably just think I'm the old white guy, right? Tony Kornheiser. That's his name. Yeah. He's cool. That's a tragic name. Why do you keep looking over your shoulder? I love the show.

I want to see his face. What are you talking about? Tony Kornheiser. We're at your Thanksgiving dinner. Can I be the bartender again yeah okay hey ready okay wait where are you figure it out as we go wait did we cut that out no okay hey what's up toots hey oh wow oh hey what's up yeah you've changed your pronouns? Yeah. It's me, Mom. I'm undercover as Michael Wilbon from PTI.

Oh. Shh, don't act normal. Okay. Hey, nice to meet you. Hey. How you doing? Michael from PTI. Hey, how you doing?

I'm doing great. Good to see you. Hey, pardon the interruption. Yeah. I've never heard that fucking joke before. Can I get you something to doing? I'm doing great. Good to see you. Hey, pardon the interruption. Yeah. I've never heard that fucking joke before. Can I get you something to drink? I'm the bartender. Hey, why don't you leave us the fuck alone?

Okay. Can't you see that it's just a black guy that's definitely not undercover? Can't you see that I'm talking to a guy who's not my son? Sorry, Michael Wilbon. Thank you. Go Bulls. Thank you. What were we talking about?

Okay, he's gone. We can just be normal again. Oh, hey. How are you? How's Salma? We split up. Oh, no. Mom, I mean, Michael. What?

Yeah. Oh, my God. I loved her so much. I'm dating this guy, Patrick, now. What? Oh, I'm so happy for you. I always knew. Oh, you always knew.

Yeah, well, I don't know if when you were born, if you knew. We always said you were born in Des Moines But you were actually born in F-Town That explains so much Yeah that's why the Bulls Will never be a dynasty again I think that that Michael Wilbon guy Is talking to a gay man

Hey Sorry but This is talking to my co-worker Oh hey what's up, man? Go Bulls. Yeah, go Bulls. Hey, would you mind checking him back and see if you have any crushed ice? Yeah.

You want any beverage with that? No, just see if you got the ice first. Okay. You? Hey, don't talk to him. You're talking to me. Okay. All right.

We'll see you in a bit. Michael Wilbon. We'll see you in a bit. Are you sure you're not a woman? What? That's fucking Michael Wilbon. Sorry, sir. You want to catch these hands? I'm going to go get that crushed ice for you. Don't make me get Tony Kornheiser in here. I'll get him out of his pod that Michael Wilbon. Sorry, sir. You want to catch these hands? I'm going to go get that crushed

ice for you. Don't make me get Tony Kornheiser in here. I'll get him out of his pod that he sleeps in. I'm sorry. I'm going. Go White Sox. I'll get him out of his mucus-filled pod. I'm going. Go White Sox. He has Stephen A. Smith's phone number. I'm sorry. I'll call him right now. I'll come over and beat your little ass. Okay. Don't you think he's been waiting to beat a honky's ass? Well, I have Shannon Sharp's number. Oh, cool. I do too.

Well, he's going to beat up Stephen A. Wait. Hold on a minute. Wait. What's that over your shoulder? What? Quickly, too. Well, he's going to beat up Stephen A. Wait, hold on a minute. Wait, what's that over your shoulder? What? Quickly, Michael Robon uploads a lot much darker makeup and puts in horse teeth. It's me, Shannon Sharpe. Whoa, Shannon. What's up, man?

How's it going? I'm a huge Broncos fan. Oh, really? Yeah. I thought you were a Bulls fan. Well, yeah. I mean, basketball is different. I like the bowls.

Hey, you got any crushed eyes? Oh, you want crushed eyes? What's with black guys and crushed eyes? Excuse me? Sorry, 84. I'll go get it right now. Thank you. Mom, I miss you so much.

Hey, so I miss you too, honey. I miss you too. I'm actually flying back to F-Town now to get a copy of your birth certificate. Can I come with? Sure, yeah. You just have to pose as my emotional security animal. I think that crazy lady over there keeps thinking she's Shannon Sharp and Michael Wilbon, and she's talking to that gay guy.

I know. They're onto us. Just play cool. Play cool. Okay. Here's that crush ice, sir.'s talking to that gay guy. I know. They're on to us. Okay. Just play cool. Play cool. Okay. Here's that Crush Ice, sir. Hey, thank you. Shannon.

Thank you very much. No problem. Shannon is a girl's name, but I'm in fact a man. Yes, you're the- I am not a woman pretending to be formerly Michael Wilbon, and now Shannon Sharp. How many Super Bowls have you won, Shannon? Six. I don't know if that's right or wrong.

It seems like a lot i did it hmm okay all right hey you got any you got any quavassier to put in this question i did just ask i can't remember if it was you or michael wilbon that i asked you got any quavassier we got some quavassier can you grab me some quavassier for me and my young friend who's not my son here can i see your id show me your passport passport, son. Yeah, yeah. Here's my passport. Oh, cool. You kind of have a penis dick head.

Hey. Like an inflatable dick. That probably runs in his family. His mama probably got the same thing, but she got a big wig to cover it up. I'm guessing. I'm just guessing that his mama. Sorry, 84. Thank you.

Go Broncos. Thanks, Shannon. I'll get that cuavassia, 84. Thank you. Go Broncos. Thanks, Shannon. I'll get that cua vacie for you. Get that cua vacie. So yeah, do you want to come with me? Yeah, I do. Okay. Are you bringing?

Yeah, go ahead. Can I bring Patrick? Of course you can bring Patrick. I would be honored to meet him. Okay. Wow. You're so different. Well, ever since I've gone undercover as a minor black celebrity who

then goes undercover as a different darker minor black celebrity i've changed i've opened up my mind because there's one thing i know that black sports guys love it's having gay sons you know i didn't oh no there's a squeaky door over there. Okay, he's coming back. Sorry, I was working on my basketball moves. That's all right, my main man. Yeah. You got that quab? I just talked to the owner, and I'm sorry to do this to you guys, but we are going to have to kick one of you out for being gay.

Oh, shit. What? Sorry, sir. You know it's not me. Go back to F-Town. Hey, excuso. I would have told you sooner But you're with You seem to know Michael Wilbon and Shannon Sharp

Yeah, because I'm really cool And I have a lot of different friends Okay, well then you don't have to leave But I can't serve you Well, what if I told you What? I'm actually his mother What?

Yeah, I know What? I said that earlier I knew you were a lady the whole time Oh, you thought that was Shannon Sharp and Michael Wilbon. You cannot kick my new gay son out of here. Okay, I won't. I won't.

Apologize by giving him a kiss. He has a boyfriend. Give him. Patrick. He has a boyfriend. Shut up. I'm your mother. I'm not going to kiss him.

Shut up. I'm a patron. Do you still want the coiffassier? I want you to kiss my son and apologize. I'm from F-Town. I know. So kiss me. I'm not from F-Town.

Well, that doesn't matter because I am. Hey, kiss him or I'm going to say that you raped me. Do it right now. Okay. We're kissing. Okay. Now. Gotcha.

Oh, no. I was actually still chamberly the whole damn time. You just, ma'am, you just put a new mask on. Where's my mom? Would that be scary if that was your mom? I'm actually Chet's second round pick, Elijah Moore. And I want to trade out of this sketch this is some real improv work we're doing on yeah well i'm really glad that you guys signed up for my uh 24 hour improv intensive how much is this again uh we can worry about that later yeah so

you're not being very transparent with the price so i'm kind of rip on that trans parents oh transparent yeah the parents are trans okay good and you can see through them new choice you can see they live in a glass house new choice uh they have a straight son nice go ahead they have a biological son. Nice. Go ahead. They have a biological son. The dad gave birth. Okay. The dad gave birth to a biological. Good. Good. You're world building.

Good. Okay. But now imagine they're in space. Yep. Oh. Speedy Gonzalez. What? Never mind.

Well, there's a black hole. Yeah. It's called, it's your butt. Austin. Cartman flipped him off. Austin Black. That's such a funny... Just flip someone off right in front of their face.

Hey, you suck. Gotcha. Have fun checking people's tickets at the door tonight. I will. While the men will be busy eating steaks with bones in them. Go. What I really meant to say. This is starting to feel like a bad, like, nightclub dream.

Will you still call me Superman? If I'm alive and well, will you be there holding my hand? And I'll keep you by my side with my superhuman eye. Austin's gay. Wait, kryptonite. Do you guys know any saliva? Yeah You wanna see it?

Always Open your mouth I'm gonna spit in your fucking mouth The band, Sam Nah, dude Do you see that little fucking Penis-shaped attachment On top of your head?

You wanna see how quick We can blow it up? Quit undulating What the fuck are you doing? Like a dog humping the air You were doing this Oh, I I sway Yeah, Oh, I sway.

Yeah, you sway. I sway. I sway. This is like you're getting interviewed. Have you ever been on a podcast before? I have. What was it called? The Ed Bell Experience?

Ed Bell? And that's how we actually got really close. Yeah. So it's not funny. It isn't funny that you're close with Ed Bell. Known child pornographer, Ed Bell. Yeah. He was a good kid

Until he found kids Now these ICP shirts I keep seeing What? It's pretty brazen What? I keep seeing people wearing ICP shirts Like the band? Is that what it is?

Because I just keep thinking it's people who are child pornographers I child porn I child pornographize Yeah, that's fucked Yeah Entrepreneur And they have clowns on them slow kids will be like oh love clowns walk up you know when I was a kid I used to pretend I was a clown yeah yeah what was his name Binkus Binkus yeah and I was Binkus the clown what was I would I would

well I would go to like terminal cancer wards where kids were and I'd go in and I'd find the sickest kid and I would perform for that child until they passed away and then I would take all of the toys well so you were just hitting licks you're stealing toys well I wouldn't call it hitting licks but like you know those kids they don't need those toys they're dead it's like why do you have a big wheels you can't get out of bed you don't have any feet yeah leukemia Pete yeah yeah well my friend leukemia you know him did he feet yeah leukemia pete yeah yeah well my friend leukemia i don't know if you know him did he die of leukemia no he got killed by a bird

the cassowary it was creech yeah one's wife killed my friend leukemia yeah what do you got i think that was a beautiful story. You have a lot of time to think. But here's my question about your clown. Were you makeup or no makeup? I was actually a French bouffant. A fucking what? I was a bouffant.

What's a bouffant? You don't know what a bouffant is? Is that like a French maid? I mean, it's pretty much like ballet meets clowning. Oh, like a mime. You can get like well chill on that not like a mime if it was a mime i would have said mine yeah wouldn't i true would i have said that austin you would have okay but i didn't i said yeah you want to know

some famous bull phones are yeah sasha baron cohen oh yeah he's a bull phone daniel day lewis went to bull phone school damn to get ready for his role as Pennywise the Clown. He did not do Pennywise. He was Pennywise, but they had to edit him out because he was too scary. Whoa. And then they got... He went deep. He was a method actor.

He went and lived in the sewers. He lived in the sewer for six years. Eight kids. And he killed a bunch of kids and ate them. Damn. And that's why he should have gotten the award. He should have gotten the award, but you know why he didn't? Because Will Smith slapped Chris Rock.

And they said, it's a black guy's year. And you know what? When Will Smith did that, it was actually your mom dressed up as Will Smith. Fuck. I know. Gosh, she's so good at the voice. She's really good at the voice. And also, she loves hitting black men.

The bigger the stage, the better. Well, that's nothing new. She's gotten hit by a lot of black guys. What's your mom's full name? Is it Consuela Umchevitz Negranto? That is close. It's Tanya Louise Black. That's enough.

Don't give them the whole, these people are animals. No, she's in Florida, dude. Didn't you say your mom was hot as hell? People have told me that, yeah. Who told you that? Your dad? Yeah, you see your mom over there? I hit that all the time.

Yeah. You see that sweet piece of ace? I nut it up in her goots. He treats me like one of the boys. That's good, yeah. I hate sex talk. He shows me pics. I hate sex talk with daddy.

Yeah, my dad will get drunk and make a lot of sex jokes about his girlfriend with her right there. And it is uncomfortable. Has he ever asked you to third with him? No, he hasn't. Or just have sex with her? Does he ever ask you to have sex with her? What's her name? Tara.

Is she hot? I would say no because she's my dad's girlfriend. You know what would be crazy? To have a three-way. With your dad in it. And his girl. Just any woman and your dad. And your dad just being a dad the entire time.

Come on, what are you doing, huh? Your dad does negative talk to you? Right? My dad would be like, good stuff, good form. head on swivel buddy supportive parent yeah yeah yeah your dad's like you know who taught you how to fuck with your little fucking dick where'd you get that dick and you're like from you and he's like shut up get over here and suck me off until i'm hard enough to put it in this slut fluff me son fluff me boy yeah he would just bust my balls. It would... And your balls would bust.

He would guard the hole, the main hole. He wouldn't let you in. Oh, yeah. He'd be like blocking it like a goalie. Yeah, yeah. You'd be stuck with mouth. You'd be stuck with mouth. You've had a lot of three-ways with guys, right?

I've never had group sex. What? Oh, I'd love to. This one lady wanted to have groups three way with me in another comic and i just they got naked and i was like i'm just gonna watch and i just watched fully clothed her suck his dick and i was like i'm gonna go what the fuck yeah that sucks you didn't get involved at all uh then they quit and then i hooked up with her later. After she sucked your friend? Yeah. Oh.

What's wrong with that? You're from F-Town. Why? You think there's, like, dick residue? Just don't even look at me with your F-Town eyes. You're a Puritan. Men are over here. Yeah.

Pretending to be each other's moms. Dressed as Michael Wilbon. We've had a lot of women today. You've had three ways, right? No, I haven't. Why not? You're young. You guys don't care. Yeah, no, I'd be down. I've had a lot of women today. You've had three ways, right? No, I haven't. Why not? You're young. You guys don't care.

Yeah, no, I'd be down. I've never been invited. Or I've never set one up either. We're going to Eiffel Tower on MILF tonight. Yeah, you guys are looking to bang a 47-year-old. Man, that'd be awesome. She's got like Botox and stuff. She can't smile, so you think she's not having a nice time

because her face is frozen from the tox. I read a paper about how you my like you lose micro expressions so like people don't know what the fuck you're saying like it's crazy why would you ever do that to yourself you read a photo about the uh you had a story about the effects of botox yeah about micro expressions nice i wish that uh there was some kind of botulism I could put in my skin that escaped me from microaggressions. Yeah. So that the way the next time I saw a Chinese guy and I bowed, he wouldn't be mad. Yeah. Don't go to F-Town. All it is is microaggressions.

There's a lot of Filipinos there. Yeah. Swagapinos. Yeah. Gay Swagapinos out there. How is this going to work tonight? Here, okay, how about this? I'm the i'm the milf you guys are you okay we're at a hotel bar i was really feeling the bartender too bad okay i'll be me all right i like to switch up actually austin dude i crushed and you did okay that was a fun show i thought i did a little better but yeah no you yeah you all you did really good man you did really good i'm the best yeah no definitely way better than the headliner

i feel like you've definitely buried him yeah sam bombs but he usually bombs yeah i'm so thankful that he puts me on his shows though he's so nice and i love him no you know he's a great guy oh look there's a milf over there she's chugugging water. Hey, you old bag of bones. Hey, you old bag of bones. Hey, what's up, boys? Hey, you were those boys from the show. Yeah. Oh, hell, you guys were so much better than that last guy. Thanks.

Put her there, Patricia. Hey, how are you? God, your hands are so broad. Hey, how are you, brother? Nice to meet you. What in the hell are you young bucks up to tonight? Did you leg that's none of your business not yet anyway that's why they call me peggy even though my name's patricia dang so you're the one heckling in the back i said a couple of things i thought that was a man i said a couple yeah yeah i like to get involved patricia

i like to help out yeah i saw you guys struggling a bit, and I was like, hey, well, at least I'm not from F-Town. Yeah. You know? Like Austin, yeah. Oh, yeah? No. Actually, no. We're straight guys, and we're looking to do a three-way with you.

Well, hell. Are you? I got nothing going on. And you're sexually active? I could not be more sexually active. Are you related to Chris Farley, Patricia? No, I am not. But guess what?

What? You can imagine if I was. No, no, I can't. Oh, I think you can. Okay, well, let's go back to our room. You know what? I'll be there. I just got to get my scooter.

Okay, we're in room 111. Hey, you're about to be in one inside of me meanwhile back at the hotel room god I'm so glad that the show's over I had such a bad set hopefully I can just chill and relax and read my book without being bothered do you think this is worth it Austin they forget their key? No I'll let them in Hey Hey guys What's up? Sam, Sam, Sam

Guess what? Guess what? What? We just fucking found a MILF And we're gonna double team What? Yeah That's

That's great Tell Tell Austin Tell him about Patricia Hey Who's your friend here? Oh this is Sam

He's the He was the headliner. Oh, you ate shit. Oh, he's a very good comic. You couldn't follow this character. Yeah, he's a good comic, Patricia. Oh, hell, not tonight. It was hard to get.

You were yelling a lot during his set. No, that wasn't me. Oh. That was Nasty Patty. Oh, is that your sister? No, that's another version of me that I don't let out very often. Oh, but you drank too much. I drank a bunch and I popped a bunch of pills.

Also, I ate some fish medicine. That's why your burps are smelling like that. I've been burping up fish medicine. Sounds like we should get you in the hot tub. Hey, get me in there. I can't swim. I got a couple of open wounds. I'll tell you. All right. My bifidus a couple of open wounds. I'll tell you.

My bifidus guard is open right now. We'll guide you through the pool. I'll guide you guys. If you know what I mean. Hey, you. Hey, big man. Yes? You coming to the pool too? I don't think so. I'm happily married.

Ah, hell. Ah, hell. Ah, hell. You don't sound good. You sure you're up for this? Yeah, I'm just, when I'm horny, I cough a lot. You were talking about your knee hurting on stage a lot. Yeah, my knee does hurt. Well, hell, I'll work it out.

Oh, I'm worried about you doing that. Hey, put her there. Patricia. Oh, God. Calluses. Hey. We already did this, but hey, Patricia. Hey, I've been working on cinder block housing for a while. Oh, yeah? I've been down here in the Vale Valley erecting single cinder block houses. Is there flooding

or something? No, not yet. I'll let you check my panties. Hey, big man, you want to make some panty tea? I yet. I'll let you check my panties. Hey, big man. You want to make some panty tea? I do. I really don't. I just wanted to read my book. Read? Who is this guy from F-Town? Yeah, he is.

Patricia, you can't smoke in here. Hey, I can. You can't smoke in here. Well, this is crystal methamphetamine. Then you definitely can't do it. Whatamine I was over here I don't go outside there's kids playing up a fire it up oh god I don't know what to do this is worth it maybe we just oh I'm tuned up. Patty wants to get natty. Who's mommy?

Who's daddy? Let's find out. Hey, let's get to the tub. Yeah, let's go down to the hot tub. Ten minutes later at the hot tub. Check it out. We're in the hot tub. I'm doing whale spout. Oh, God.

I'm not using my mouth. Patricia. Please. Patricia's not here. Patty's here. Oh, no. The hot tub's getting hotter somehow. Oh, that's me. Please. Patricia's not here. Patty's here. Oh, no. The hot tub's getting hotter somehow. Oh, that's me.

Yeah. That's my sores leaking into the tub. My blood's hot from the crystal meth. It's purple. Oh, yeah. I can't tell what's a jet and what's you. All right, get over here. Get over here.

Oh, okay. Get over here. Let's get in. All right. Who's going to kiss Patty first? I'll kiss your patty. Lay a wet one on my mouth. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. It's wet. Oh over here. Let's get in. All right. Who's going to kiss Patty first? I'll kiss your Patty. Lay a wet one on my mouth. Okay.

Oh, that's wet. Oh, yeah. That's good. How about you, young buck? Put her there. I'm Patricia. Can I do maybe the neck? Give me wherever.

Oh, yeah. Lick my mole. It has a flavor. Yeah. Bacon? Yeah, that's good. I'm not kosher. Do you have a Cinnabon in your underwear?

Yeah, I do. You got any icing? Yeah, for you, I guess so. Get those dicks out, boys. Let's see them. Patrick, you ice her first. Let's play submarine. Were you kidding about having to call you coach while we have sex?

You can call me coach. You can call me roach. Because I'm'm gonna be click clacking around all right i'm gonna be on all fours follow my antennas boys you know i'm gonna have to back out of this i think no you're not going anywhere patty i can't once patty opens it up there's no going back up the hill. But, Patty, what if it's just me? I don't want you. I want both of you. Come on, man. Do you want Patty to take what she wants?

No. No, man. Give me those shorts. Give me your shorts, bitch. Really? Give me those shorts. No, what are you doing? I have to.

I have to. I got your shorts. You got your shorts, Austin. Get over here. No. Get over here, big man junior. Stop. Give me those. No. I got them. I got them. Look at those dicks. It's shorts, Austin. Get over here. No. Get over here, Big Man Junior. Stop. Give me those.

No. I got them. I got them. Look at those dicks. It's okay. Look at those fucking dicks. Oh, God. All right.

Now, do you want hand, mouth, or do you want to go bifida scar? I guess I'll start with what's a bifida scar? I have protrusion. My spine actually exits my skin in my lower back. And they've tried to seal it up, but I do too much taekwondo. Is that the purple? That's where the purple comes out. And if I would just

lay up the goddamn taekwondo, I wouldn't need to get my biff scar sutured up every goddamn day. I mean, we all need pads. She wasn't kidding. Yeah. Do you want to spin kick or do you want to lick my pussy? Okay.

I guess I'll lick your pussy. Get in there. All right. Get in there. Oh, man. That feels good. That feels good. Now, Austin, while he's down there, I need you-

Please say mouth. Please say mouth. I need you to put your entire hand in my mouth. Oh, man. Put it in there. Okay. Put it. Oh, man. Oh, man. Put it in there. Okay. Put it. Oh, it's so warm.

Now you open your mouth. Open up. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes.

Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes.

Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes.

Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes.

Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes.

Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. What's wrong, Patty? Patty, what's wrong? What'd you do to her? What'd you do to her? I don't know what happened. Do I have blood on my mouth? Everywhere. Oh, God. What'd you do to her? You were down there. Patty. I don't know what happened. Oh, God.

Do I have blood on my mouth? Everywhere. Oh, God. What happened, Patty? Patricia. Don't touch me. Oh, God. What's wrong?

Don't touch Patty. What's wrong, Patty? You need to tend to your wound. Your scar is still oozing. Are you okay? Patty. Well, thanks, fellas. That was a hell of a night of action for old Patty.

Thank you. Are you okay? Oh, I've never been better. You were crying there for a minute. Yeah, well, it reminds me of a time I spent with the Harlem Globetrotters. Which one? Well, I didn't get all their names. There was plenty of them.

They spun me like a basketball, let me tell you. They went around the world with Patty. That's amazing. Oh, God. Was the little one? Oh, God. How much do I owe you boys? What? 2K each.

What? Oh, let's be reasonable. You went down on me. He put his hand in my mouth. $100 each. You got a goddamn deal. Put her there. Thanks, Ben.

Put her there. Joy buzzer. Huh? Ow. Yeah. What? You're lucky you're out of the pool. That would have killed us both.

Yeah. Jesus. Austin. Yeah. Austin, can you smell this flower? Smell this flower real quick. Austin, get over here. Take a whiff of this.

Don't do it. It's going to spray water on you. Smell it, bitch. All right. Squirt. You're a clown? I am actually a classically trained bouffant. Wow, Patricia,

you have so many layers. In fact. What? What? It's a side Daniel Daniel Lewis. Oh my God. That's right, boys. I'm in method acting. Wow. I'm playing a train slut named Patricia.

That's beautiful. Who likes to get gang banged by bad comedians. What? That's mean. You went and saw our show? I was there as Patricia the whole time. I guess that is true. Daniel Day-Lewis, you have a vagina?

Indeed. I had one installed. I had it bolted on where my penile gland once resided. That's amazing. Indeed. Is it true that you were Pennywise and you were living in the sewers? I ate too many children in the production of the film.

That's amazing. Yes, indeed. Dude, you went down on Daniel Day-Lewis. That's the best. No one will ever believe you. Smoke bomb! Oh, no. We got Dane!

This is the best day of my life, Austin. Wow. End scene. So yeah, I think you guys got a shot with that MILF. Yeah.

I think as long as it goes exactly like that, we're money. That's awesome. Thanks for giving us confidence. Guys, I believe in you too. I mean... These guys are going to find

the nastiest, broken down, old piece of trash at the bar. One-legged, sounds like a pirate. Yep. Come on! Yeah, mountain trash is kind of intimidating, though. It's like tough people out here, right? It's either like really rich people or like a fucking borderline werewolf.

Yeah. A borderline. This is why we don't let you lead. I was supporting. You were pitching that on the car ride up. You're like, I got a pretty cool take on mountain people. Don't you dare. You did.

I saw the script for it in his backpack. Yeah, you pre-planned this whole thing. I planned everything. And then you pre-came in your pants. He replaced his script with your Garth Ennis script. Oh, no. I had a stump lady in the front row last night. Oh, yeah. Sold out comedy work.

Shout out to all the chubby chasers who came out, packed that beer. That lady had a fucking stump. She was born stumped out. Was she also, was it the leg and arm, or was it just one? No, don't get greedy. Well, I don't want her to not have a leg. Why? She lives a big, bold, beautiful life without an arm.

She could probably do it without a leg. You're such a fucking ableist. Yeah, dude, this is crazy. God. Okay, fine. She's like hot, and we all want to have our... She's not hot. She won't get hot.

She's just a normal, hardworking American woman. That's disgusting. You can't other and then objectify. You're a xenophobe. Yeah. Yeah, you know what? I am. Okay, lean am okay lean into it yeah that's cool you know what that means that you're fearful of homemade magazines yeah you're a xenophobe you don't like zines i like lasagna do you i love lasagna yeah you know why because you're an orange pussy, Garfield. Got his ass. Hell yeah. He's gay.

Oh, fuck. He got me again. Two for two. Two for two. See what happens when you try to join the gang? You get burned. Yeah. Yeah. I'm back on your side.

Yes. Don't listen to him. He's not on your side. I'm always on your side. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. We have to go to dinner soon.

Oh, yeah. In soon Oh yeah In an hour I tell you guys about the The surprise stump that I got What's that mean? I was at Skank Fest We were all on mushrooms It was like me, Mike Feeney Mike Cannon

Yeah Chris O'Connor This guy came into the green room He had like huge legs That looked like Like a long Like a metal water bottle. Yeah.

You know what I mean? You know like a post hole digger? Yeah. It looked like the part that goes in the earth of the post hole digger. And he comes in and we're like, whoa, you got weird legs, huh? And he's like, yeah. They were taken off by a train. And I said, train man.

And everyone laughed. And then he said it was his last day in the Air Force. And he got drunk or something. I can't remember exactly. But he was on the train tracks. And the train ran over his legs and took them away. And I said, so that was your training day. Again, everyone laughed.

And he was like, check it out. And he pulled off his fake leg and revealed just this stump. And we were all like, holy fuck, man, we're on mushrooms. You can't surprise us with a stump. You can't just randomly dump a stump in the Skankfest green room. Because no one in here is sure if they're alive or dead. Oh, yeah. And then we all left.

We went outside. We played a little game called Dry Guys. Yeah. This is the show I want to pitch you guys. Okay. Okay? So here's my pitch. It's a television show.

Yeah. Reality show adjacent and akin to Practical Jokers. Okay. Okay? So here's how it works. There's a bench. Yeah bench yeah okay and I'm sitting on the bench and you're sitting on the bench and then Austin you're going to play the the unwitting participant okay okay so you're going to

come up and we're going to be like hey why don't you sit down and talk to us for a new TV show and then you sit down on the bench. But unbeknownst to you, the bench is wet. Wet bench. So your bottom becomes wet. Then we say, welcome to dry guys. We're the dry guys, and you're wet. That's great. How's that sound?

Yeah, dry guys. Sounds pretty fun. That's good. Or this could be another version to do it. We recreate what it would have looked like if you would have sat down on the bench. So you walk up and we show you there's a puddle. You see there's a puddle. And we're like, why don't you sit down? And you're like, well, I don't want to sit down in the puddle.

And we're like, good thing you said that. Here's what it would have looked like if you had in fact sat down without looking at the bench. Like a dramatization. And then we have actors who look like us and look like you. And then you come out and we say sit down and talk to us and then you sit down your actor version of you sits down and you're wet and we say wet wet noodle butt wet wet noodle butt we're the dry boys we're the dry boys we're dry guys dry guys i'm in yeah i know you're in you're desperate for any opportunity

you need a credit. Ed Bell's roommate's not paying the bills. All right? My roommate is Derek Walton. Whoa, don't name drop. How do you think about Dry Guys? I love it. I need sound effects from you.

I got it. When people spit down, it's like splash. Like splash, like water? Yeah. Like a cannonball? Yeah. All aboard. Yeah, that's good. SpongeBob stuff.

What if they get really mad and they try to fight you? Because they don't like to have a wet ass. That's good content. Yeah, it is. That's fine. Also, the only people we let sit down are wearing khakis. Yeah. Oh, that's the move.

So it looks like they shitted themselves. Yeah. So you got like businessmen on their way to a big meeting. Uh-huh. You got UPS drivers. You got guys who just like brown pants yeah yeah and they come up and we're like hey why don't you sit down and talk to us and they sit down we say welcome to the new sensation dry guys are you guys gonna like ask them questions about what

it's like to have a wet ass and we don't like how do you feel about being wet knowing that we're not wet and they're gonna they're gonna hate They're going to be very insecure about it. They're not going to be stoked on it. It's an incredible premise. Yeah, it's good. I love this. Dry guys. Dry guys here and we're getting guys wet.

Dry guys here and we're getting guys wet. Do you want to sit down? Come to town. Hey, don't look around. Just sit on the bench. Oh, you fucking idiot wench. You just got your bum wet from the bench. Your khakis are ruined.

I'm in it. I know you're in it. I'm not pitching you anymore. I'm just walking you through a day in the life of a dry guy. I want to see this, and I want to see what their reaction is, though. Everyone does, and that's why I'm proud to say that we're moving into season one of Dry Guys in a week. Whoa.

And guess who's playing the bench? Nathan Lund. Daniel Day-Lewis. Wow. We got him. Damn. Yeah, he was tough. I guess he's been undercover recently.

We've never met him. Really? No. No. We've never met him. Okay. I heard he's, like, cool. Yeah.

Yeah, he's a little too, like, chill, actually. He has some, like, weird bedroom pro. Okay. I heard he's like cool. Yeah. Yeah, he's a little too like chill, actually. He has some like weird bedroom proclivities, I heard. Oh, I don't. I heard his bifida scar is purple. It leaks. It leaks purple, yeah. So yeah, Dry Guys season one featuring Daniel Day-Lewis as the bench. Lund read for the role.

He didn't make it. Well, he read for the wrong role. He read for dinner role. Then he read for the roll. He didn't make it. Well, he read for the wrong roll. He read for dinner roll. Then he read for Kaiser. Permanente. He read for cinnamon. I am Nathan Lund. I'm unwrapped. I'm reading for the roll of

cinnamon. Frost me. The middle's the best. Put me in the microwave for three seconds. Mmm, warm and toasty, aren't I? Mmm, take a bite. Yes, work your way in from the best. Put me in the microwave for three seconds. Mmm, warm and toasty, aren't I? Take a bite? Yes, work your way in from the outside. Unravel the ring.

Oh, look at that. Found a little sweet sugar pocket. Oh, getting close to the middle. That's going to be good. Uh-oh, you ate it all. Where's my voice coming from? Your tummy. And scene. Thank you uh we'll call you and they never called him he never called him because he swallowed his phone that was he couldn't answer his phone because it was inside of his belly

yeah so you ever seen lun like if you're at a show and you see him and he's just punching himself in the stomach he's texting his wife i have seen him do that that makes sense yeah and then i have seen him just like talking to what seems to be his wife but he's not holding a phone or anything yeah well it looks like he's pregnant and he's trying to talk to the baby yeah yeah i miss you baby but it's his wife and he's always like hey do you want to feel a baby kick and then you put your hand on it just feels like a phone buzzing that's because it's a phone he has a phone in there yeah that's an amber alert uh-huh damn does that have something to do with why you'll never go iphone well you guys you guys know about amber alert right yeah you guys know about megan's law what's that so that means

that you can literally legally marry a man who's a couch. I know Creech actually set the precedent. Oh, Megan Creech. Yeah, her name is Megan. Yeah, wow. That's awesome for her. So it's kind of like bestiality with furniture. It's kind of like she has a comfort kink. That's cute.

Keep her out of Ikea because she floods the goddamn floors. Yeah, Jake Jabs is her pimp. Jake Jabs. So you're saying I can marry Nathan then? No, he's already married. Oh, fuck. Yeah, you have to find another man who's posing as a couch. What if you find out that Nathan was actually cheating on his wife

because he had a second phone in his stomach? That was also vibrating. That's funny. Oh, shit. That would suck. That was for his side bitch. Yeah, that'd be rough, man. His side bitch.

Oh, punch my kidney again. Oh, God. I got a stone. I'll meet you at Red Robin. Get the fries. Get the fries ready. Nothing, creeps. One loves Red Robin fries.

She does. I'm telling you. You cannot get enough of those goddamn fries. He talks about how they're bottomless for like two hours. Can you believe what their bottom is? Keep bringing them. God, they keep bringing them god they just keep got more campfire sauce please and hey how about another basket right you guys will have more fries yeah just bring two it's yeah just i guess there's three of us just get three baskets this is how he eats them too he he keeps his arms around yeah he eats like he eats like a prisoner. Yeah, he's protecting his plate. He protect.

He protect. Sam and Emily, they do the meme. They just say that meme all the time on there. Well, no one told me what it means. It doesn't mean anything. No one explained he protect, he attack to me. It doesn't mean anything. Yeah, I don't think I've even heard of that before. You don't know about this one?

Dude, it's crazy. It's not that crazy. It's a whole meme. It? Dude, it's crazy. It's not that crazy. It's a whole meme. It is. So it's like one guy protect and another guy attack. And it's spelled like baby Reddit talk. Yeah, so he thinks it's for babies, but I just don't know what it means. And no one's ever said what the definition of it is?

No, I mean no one will tell me. No, it's just gay. It's like a gay meme. It sucks. No. Yeah. Tell me about it. There's nothing to explain. It's just gay it's like a gay meme it sucks no yeah tell me about it there's nothing to explain it's just people talking like babies quit blasting me and my wife for trying to be

part of the zeitgeist it's old i'm trying to get you onto the new thing what's a new one what's a new meme we should talk in uh i don't know it yet it's probably already too you got any new memes austin come on buddy bring something to the. Put something in the dog's dish. I'm trying to eat. Oh, I got one. What? One does simply not walk into a Mark Masters comedy show. Okay, that's good.

And it's Boromir from Lord of the Rings. Lord of the Rings. Yeah. Or what about if Willy Wonka was condescending? Okay. Oh, yeah. You're going to wear that shirt? What?

No, yeah. You're going to wear that shirt. Okay. Well, this fucking crashed into the Pentagon. I was the first two planes for the first 50 minutes, and then you guys were the Pentagon plane. Where'd it go? No one knows.

No one knows where it went. You're the one that crashed you crashed in pennsylvania oh damn yeah i know i didn't get to do a lot of trouble they cleaned you up pretty quick didn't they crazy how quick they cleaned up that plane where's the black box where's the black guys oh yeah your wife your mom's posing as them my mom's closet closet with all of her costumes. Austin, tell the people where to find you. You can follow me on Instagram at Austin underscore black. It's a great follow. It is. A lot of good content coming out of the content farm.

Yep. Sketch group, Not Made For TV. Also on Instagram. You do sketch comedy? Yeah. Yeah, because you really can't improv. Yeah, we do scripts. No. Pat, I can tell them where to find you. My guest room.

Doing Porky Pig impressions. Yeah. I'm Porky Pig. Tell them where to find you, Patrick. Cobos Patrick Podcast. Good call. Plug the pod. And hey, everybody,

you can find more of the Chubby Behemoth brand podcast at patreon.com slash chubbybehemoth. That's just a good old-fashioned funky time. You know, go over there. Five bucks gets you hundreds of hours of hilarious content. So why not join the revolution and do that? If you want to see me and Nathan,

the nasty body lun, the human couch, the man who has bed bugs even though he's not a bag he's a couch which is confusing you can find us in Savannah, Georgia on Wednesday the 26th

at the Front Porch Improv Theater you can find us at Charleston, South Carolina October 27th at, you guessed it The Sparrow in Charleston

October 28th and 29th we're going to be at the Laughing Skull Lounge in beautiful Atlanta and then after that I'll be in Boston Sam Talent at the Hideout in Boston, Massachusetts, the 4th and 5th of November. And then Sisyphus Brewing Company in Minneapolis.

Lund will be on that one, the 11th and 12th of November. And then San Francisco, the 17th, 18th, 19th of November. And then Looney's Comedy Corner, the 25th and 26th of November. And then, that's right, New Orleans, the 22nd and... Patty's back. Patty's back and she's looking to get games. Hide your hands. Let me get... Get in here.

Get in here, boys. Check me for bugs, huh? I'll put your friend Nathan to shame. Put some plastic over me and check me for fucking bucks. Patty wants some seed. You smell like corn nuts. I'm here to feed on seed. I got into Sam's glove box and ate all those goddamn corn nuts.

No. Yeah, he did. Patty, you're going down on her this time. Hey, Austin, pretend you're a horsey. Hey, look at me. Look at me, Patty. You're strapping on the feed bag. Don't touch me.

Nothing gives you that right. Daniel, I know you're a horsey. Hey, look at me. Look at me, Patty. You're strapping on the feed bag. Don't touch me. Nothing gives you that right. Daniel, I know you're down there. It's me, Patrick. What if I told you it's actually me, Austin's mom? Oh, my God. You fucked your mom. Oh, dude, you went down on my mom? Yes.

Fuck. This is the long con. Me and Pat have been playing this for a while. Guess what? You don't have to go to F-. Me and Pat have been playing on this for a while. Guess what? You don't have to go to F-Town anymore. Now you live in I-Town for incest with mommy. Win it. Win it.

I guess I will be using that pass for a lady. Dude just fucked his mommy. Win it. Okay, you guys owe me money for the improv class.