Chubby Behemoth - Seek Cover

Episode Date: May 10, 2022

Charged With Manslaughter. 1K Wad Lord. Body Makes Mud.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

yo yo hey how are you doing good megan and i got the uh grilled chicken tacos from habaneros tonight they fucking ruled nice i did too sweet yeah i just had six of them whoa we had three each yeah they're good we got nachos too so don't nice don't feel too bigger than me you definitely i mean that's a lot dude those tacos they're big i was starving and they like really made them super big tonight because some some sometimes they very they vary in size a little bit sometimes you get four and you're like damn i should have gotten six and then so much you got them and you're like i could have three of these yeah they make me think of uh del taco grilled chicken tacos which are so good yeah

grilled chicken tacos which are so good yeah yeah they're like a slightly better version of that or yeah like the like the best version of those because sometimes they're they're bad or what you know they're small yeah but yeah same same exact thing just real plain real normal but chicken thigh which rules yeah yeah that chicken rules i was thinking that we were we didn't have an easy uh time difference that would work but i guess this is about the closest we could get to not insane for both of us what time is it there sam uh it is 2 30 or.30 in the afternoon here. Oh, yeah. That's pretty good. This is tomorrow.

Tomorrow for you guys. Yeah, but we were just saying what a good time was for everybody. And this isn't too bad. It's afternoon for you and not crazy late for us. Yeah. I was out of the Botanical Gardens when Lund hit me up, so I just came back. So thanks for working around me. I asked you what time you wanted to go.

Oh, no, I know. But I know I did the math, and I didn't want to keep you guys. Okay. Well, don't look at us. I don't want to come into this thing bad, but I am in a real bad place mentally dude it's so fucking scary being this far away from anyone who gives a shit about me and uh tim and ben left yesterday so i'm just like in melbourne by myself and it's really heavy and i'm like teetering on

the edge of a full scale mental freak out. I think I'm going to come home tomorrow. I was going to stay here till Thursday, but whenever I really think about like, I'm literally the farthest away I could be from anyone. Like if you flip the globe around, I'm on the other side of the globe and uh that distance is like really really crushing me and uh i got fucking blackout drunk last night for the first time and then someone just a little bit shit my bed i don't want to point any fingers or cast any aspersions, but someone dumped my bed diarrhea style. And I, I mean, it was like Andre the giant slept over. So that's where I'm at. I got really drunk cause I'm afraid something bad is going to happen to me

and no one will be here to claim me. And then I don't know if it was the maid or the bellhop, but someone dumped a full just bucket of diarrhea in my bed. I think that's Australian tradition. Yes, it is. It's the indigenous culture here. That's how they welcome people. They wash you in mud because we come from mud and water dirt and water is where we come from so uh yeah just it's gonna

be on your bill it's like 25 to uh to get the full turndown service and that includes shit in your bed no one's allowed in this room until i leave i have barricaded myself in the couches in front of the door there's no hope for any of us dude and i mean i'm not like this isn't like the sword where i'm like feeling like you know uh unstoppable and like i have the hand of god in my mouth this is the opposite where i feel like uh satan's hand is up your ass his hand is up my ass and and then when his hand comes out it makes someone poop my bed i think the first the first mayor of melbourne shit the bed and then the press covered it and he was like that's the way we do it here as we always shit shit the bed that's the tradition that i'm installing as of this morn shit the bed the first mayor of melbourne

was like a human slaver with a 12 year old daughter girlfriend so uh i don't want to follow in his footsteps this is just filled it's filled with chinese people uh which is fine but it just it's a very alien situation to be outside here. And I can't, I can't wrap my fucking brain around it. And it's flipping me out, dude. You're a little baby. I am a baby.

And that's the thing, dude, is I have these feelings that I just get mad at myself. Cause I'm like, you're being a fucking baby nut up. This is cool. You should be enjoying yourself and feeling grateful, which I am.

But then it's like, and you did right. You had fun, but now it's like creeping in how far away you just keep picturing yourself and then like a zoom out to the map of the world and then like you know a scale that shows how far away you are from your wife and your dad yeah just from anybody who might be able to help me and like the world's scary and i just want to like cuddle and i've been fucking home five days since march 13th and i've been on i did the math last night 39 planes since march 16th like since i've been here i've been on nine flights i've barely been chilling at all it's just fucking crazy dude what town are you in i'm in melbourne right now okay which is

like uh the cool like european city i was in sydney i was supposed to be in sydney last night too but i flew out a day early because sydney was just this wall of glass it was just this giant fucking architectural aneurysm and uh i couldn't handle it so i was like i'm gonna go down to melbourne where the ladies are nice and the lads like to have a cold one and i got here and it's i mean i i got to my hotel last night and there was just a woman throwing up in front of the hotel on her phone and i was like well cool this is more for me this makes sense uh this is more my speed and also like being being as hung over as I am. I wish I would have just thrown.

I wish whoever pooped my bed would have thrown up instead. Why? Why? Why are you there later? Did Tim cancel shows? Did he have something come up or was it just. Yeah, I just wanted to stay because i have this work permit so i could come and do a bunch of shows here and uh the live nation guy from

australia this guy andy rocks he got me on like a bunch of shows so i was like yeah i'm gonna fucking just go chill you know i'm just gonna go chill in melbourne stay over and like enjoy australia because i've never been down here before i want to see more of it i've been to fucking six cities since i got here i've been here since may 3rd and i've been to six fucking cities and it's just uh yeah so i decided to stay and here i am staying and do x and do shows on your own yeah just doing stuff on my own but shows through this yeah yeah shows okay i did two last night the first one was just a total awful bar show monday night the kitchen was like next to the stage and i've never heard anyone make a sandwich louder than last night um you know there was like four women

in the front who were taking pictures of their awful fried food and like, you know, visibly gagging when I got on stage and then two dudes just like trying to get blackout drunk. Who pooped on the stage? Who took a shit on the stage? Oh, nevermind. It's just some piece of shit. Human.

Do you know Will Anderson? What's that? Do you know Will Anderson? Who's Will Anderson? He's a comic that came to denver a couple of times from there no i i don't know arj barker either who's the biggest comedian here in the world monty frank do you really not do you really not know will no i don't oh well when you said arj barker I thought you were calling me an idiot for thinking you didn't know who he was. No, no. I mean, if you have anyone here who cares about an American man who's alone, please don't tell them to come near me because my room smells like shit.

Okay, I'll leave it alone then. I think, and also I have to get a COVID test and I'm like 100% sure that I'll just test positive for COVID and have to stay here for two more weeks. That would be the end of me. Yeah, it would. It would finish you. I don't know what to do. You're barely holding on. You're sucking your thumb.

That's not my thumb. I did get something cool out of this. I'm honking my own horn over here. means i'm in heaven which means i have passed away and you guys are the last grasp of my brain just trying to figure out this transition to the next world but yeah i'm sucking my shit covered dick did you did you ball up the sheets and now they're in the corner you're not going say anything you're just gonna run out of there when you check out yes i don't want to put them in the hallway so they're just in the room dumpster put them in a bag and take them out to the dumpster but then it looks like i killed somebody no but make them real small pack it as tight as you can it looks like i did

a koala abortion in here no they're big sheets it's a nice hotel and i fucking dumped it first night in melbourne i drank like 18 pints and then dude last night i pulled a total london 2008 maneuver where i went to 7-eleven at bar close i got a sausage roll i got a spam musubi, crammed it, you know, barely chewed, little tongue action. And then I hit my hotel, and what's right across the street from my hotel? A tree?

You guys know it as Burger King, but down here it's called Hungry Jack. And I fucking down two Whoppers at like 1.30 in the morning, and then came up here and woke up confused as to why my bed was filled with shit that's so rough oh so bad dude like i'm like shaking with anxiety and also i mean the second the next day scaries the the next day sway is really bad

for me these days and i haven't been drinking because i was out with tim so like i'm just like uh i got jake the snake and he's putting me in the ddt left and right man cross-faced yeah well uh luckily i'll be around the next three four weekends we're going to be together so i can hold your hand and tell you that i love you and everybody everybody cares about you i know man and it's just like i haven't i you know i was supposed to be home these next i'm supposed to be home from april like 24th until we go to Houston, but that all disappeared, so now I'm barely going to be home for a week. I graduate from fucking college, and then I

go to Kevin's bachelor party, and it's just like, I need to lay in my bed in fetal position while Emily plays my butt like a bongo. That's what I need. I need bongo butt love. I'm not getting that, because I've got to go hang out in the woods and listen to

kevin o'brien talk about an album he heard we should uh yeah we should probably cancel it we'll hit a point where we'll just look at each other and we'll nod and then we will uh bust out a roll of duct tape and wrap up kevin and put him in a closet so that we can have a good time yeah like if i say cowabunga that means a good time. If I say cowabunga, that means get the net. That sounds good, cowabunga. When we hit hour three of Kevin

dominating and talking over all 12 of his close friends, we'll just be like, all right, get him. We can hang him upside down from the deck or something. Kevin's never said, is it time to talk or is it time to listen? He's just said, it's time to talk. Forever.

Yes. I mean, that should fill me with a sense of joy, like to know that I'm going to go chill with my good friends, but I just feel like everything's gray or it's on fire. There's no in between. That's true here. Yeah. Yeah.

There are a bunch of fires in Australia. You're talking about Colorado. I'm talking about mentally. I'm talking about there's a, there's a rain that's going to come and wash away all this trash. I'm full taxi driver over here, dude. Yeah.

Hell yeah. Old city to find a young prostitute and liberate her from Parvati Keitel. I need to be a hero. Well, yeah, walk the streets to stop a crime. I've been out. I woke up floating in a lagoon of poo. Well, I need to get out of here. So I've just been on the streets since like 8 30 a.m just

wandering around a lot of great gardens melbourne's great i mean australia itself is really pretty and the people here are all gorgeous which i mean the genetics here are fucking crazy dude they're all just babes blonde-eyed blue-haired you know what i mean the opposite of, I just, their ancestors, you know, you know what they were up to. I don't think that their ancestors needed to rape because they're so pretty, you know, like, I don't know if grandpa had to rape grandma, uh, because they could have just probably like given her some flowers or something. Does that make sense? Yeah. They're too handsome of a folk yeah they're too pretty to need to rape it was a consensual takeover of the continent you're saying no it

was very non-consensual they really subjugated the indigenous here but i'm saying australia was founded as a penal colliery for pig fuckers and horse thieves yeah you know so like i don't think you had to fuck that pig you probably could have just like you know banged a fair maiden you know consensually but instead they were just robbing and raping it's a nation of rapists yeah i mean that was a long time ago that was like 1850 yeah it was a while back it was a long time ago. That was like 1850. Yeah, it was a while back. It was a while out back.

Also, Tim had me on his podcast, and it was the episode where he decided to discuss abortion. And I was like, yeah, abortion should be protected, right? So now my DMs are just filled up with people calling me baby killer. It's a fucking difficult place to be right now dude oh man i was gonna listen to that tonight i was excited yeah you should i mean i think that i made some salient points and you know uh obviously it's a comedy podcast so i was trying to be funny when i took uh such a i mean i do believe in abortion you know yeah completely and i think that late-term abortion should be protected as well and uh that has made me the enemy of uh every pepe emoji uh avi person on the internet and i mean i could show you my dms and your head would explode was it a patreon no it was the real

one the free one yeah yeah and so i got all excited for you the big boy he has a bunch of uh i mean yeah hopefully that is a net good but yeah i mean i think it's a net good and i mean not everyone who listens to that podcast obviously is a fucking monster but the people who do choose to reach out to people they don't know and say that uh it's really funny either people say i like sam he's funny or they say like I hope your entire family gets raped to death. There's really no in between. It's like, hey, he was a good guest. Cool guy.

Or it's like, I hope that your head explodes in front of your dog. I hope you shit the bed. I hope you shit your own bed. It was a full dump and you didn't wake up. it was it was a full dump and you didn't wake up you fully dumped and then slept through the night did you roll around in it i'm just saying i've never i have fully pissed the bed becker mute your own mute yourself you son no he's having fun i don't want to hear the fun uh he's loving it the first time i mute himself laughing he usually mutes himself

when he's laughing hard because you know we don't need to hear it i'm glad that he's laughing i want to hear someone laughing instead of what i've been hearing, which is my own silent screams. You got me so bad, Nathan. Well, I rolled around in it. I had a fun little party. The first time that I slept at Megan's was the first time I ever like fully unconsciously peed the bed and then just kept sleeping like we both woke up and was like holy shit that was the first time but and the only times i've ever pooped myself were little the sharts which are not you know it's like a little bit and it sucks but this is a whole other

planet what you where you are i mean literally you're you're on a different continent and you've gone beyond a normal little bit of poop in your pants. I mean, this was a BP oil spill. This poisoned the Gulf. They're going to be cleaning this dump off of pelicans for generations to come. It's so wild. Yeah, and it was all over my body. over my body yeah the only the closest i've come to that is when mama pooped the bed and i woke up and there was like several bits of poop right by me and on me and that way it also wasn't diarrhea

god you diarrhea don't come back just stay over there where you belong you're a criminal now you're being you're being penalized i'm a total crim dude you just you just have to walk the land there until something bites you or strangles you i mean it was so much and you could tell but you could tell that it wasn't like a single expulsion. I think it was just like a slow leak for like hours. How can you tell that? What do you mean? I think the valve turned off.

It left the pump on. They opened the tap. I think i got so drunk my sphincter stopped working and what was once inside was allowed out for as long as it needed to take you could only your body could only uh make sure that you kept breathing and it kept pumping blood through your heart right and everything else was everything else was browned out and unreliable I was browned out and unreliable and the bed was ruined I mean it got in the mattress, it soaked through the sheets

it's in the mattress, I don't know what to do you're gonna get charged you're gonna get charged with manslaughter. They're going to arrest you. They're going to be waiting for me at the airport. They're going to study you. They're going to run a bunch of tests on you in an asylum. I should go to jail for what I did last night.

I should have to stand in front of a jury of my peers and be rendered guilty. Guilty? Guilty. It seems funny to me that it would fuck you, that anything would fuck you up like that. I haven't been there, so I can imagine that it is this whole other level of something to

ponder, but you didn't feel like that in Europe, right? You know you're a ways away from people, from your close friends, but it didn't get you there, right? I've been to Europe get you there right i've been to europe with my family i've been to europe with my wife i was in europe with tim dylan so like even though you know you know like tim's my friend if something were to happen to me tim would uh you know probably go to the hospital and like care you know but i've never been alone this far away tim and ben left yesterday

okay so yeah the main but even like i don't know i guess uh it doesn't matter if you're in a city by yourself because you still feel like if it's in america you'd have more uh likelihood that somebody would help you i don't know i. I guess that's not really logical. I don't think that we share hotel rooms. You know what I mean? But you often are somewhere by yourself. I guess you know a few of the comics probably and the Booker or whatever.

I don't know. I have a feature now, and the feature and I share a hotel room, even though I could afford to put them in their own hotel room. And people probably would prefer to have their own hotel room. I get the double queen because there's something wrong with me. Like, you know, and I guess something very deep seatedly wrong. You've had no.

There have been several comics who have died in their hotel rooms recently when maybe that's making it seem like more of a more of a fear. It's like come to come to the surface or something right like i've had a couple health scares in the past and uh you had a health scare last night a public health scare they sounded an alarm like they do for a tsunami or something They sounded an alarm like they do for a tsunami or something. You quarantined me for what I did last night. Folks, get inside.

Seek cover. Because we've had a monster shit the bed. It's bad out there. It's a level brown warning. They're just lifeguards at my door. We're here to help. They said it's from Bondi. Well, you missed a fun weekend in trinidad for sure uh the melbourne of southern colorado we had people puking everywhere that was pretty good good what any highlights who who hooked up

i don't know if anybody there was a time we had this you know we had this impromptu after party wally wasn't going supposedly wally told carlos he needed to put together an after party now is that wally lying to cover his ass is it carlos forgetting to do something i mean both are very plausible these are two shady fucks i know which one it is you want the camaraderie because you're running into people all weekend and you're you're briefly saying oh yeah i'm going here where are you going well i'm here and then i gotta go here cool well maybe we'll have lunch uh tomorrow and then you don't like there's so many ships in the night and then uh it is good to have the centralized place where all the comics go ideally it's really just comics but if you have some of the like volunteers cool i guess

if they don't talk and then uh like the venue owners if they come or sponsor people i don't know but it worked out it was fun uh amy miller amy miller tried to shit on it the next day uh me and her and adam kate and holland did doug loves movies at comedy works and she was trying to tell adam there was no music and the lights were on all the way and i was like shut up there wasn't any beer for like two seconds there wasn't any music for like five minutes like she made it seem like we were all looking at each other for an hour and a half and then somebody was like we should have music the lights were on the whole time and i liked it it was like an adult party half the lights were on it wasn't yeah it wasn't like they were on full blast like a fucking uh office it was so that cowboy museum didn't allow you guys

to go back there for the after party well Well, they were having an art opening this weekend. So Alice, the lady who runs that place, didn't want to be there for 20 hours a day either. Well, yeah. Also, I mean, Steph Tolev was doing cocaine out of Will Rogers' hat. I mean, it was fucking depraved up there. It was bad news. But yeah. Oh, Friday, i was outside of main street live and i had a total guiguo encounter these two these two fucking guigos came up i think they were married

and they looked like they could have been twins and they fucking they were both like four foot eleven and like wide and mouth breathing and just sweating and they're like what's going on in here and i was like oh we're doing a comedy festival like bunch of shows all weekend where we got triggers it was like uh you get them in there there's like all these different shows or you can get like a pass for a bunch of shows and how much is it it's like i don't know there's a bunch of different options a kind of comedy it's like uh all kinds of comedy you know a bunch of different comics so you know a little bit of everything as a family friendly like uh normally you wouldn't want to bring your kids okay just fucking gna non on a fire hydrant. Were they deaf?

They were both. Guiglows. How, what else do I need to say? They were total. Fucking. I think they were fucking methed out or something, but they were, but they were both chubby behemoths. Dude.

There's a, like everyone's hot here, but the 5% of the population who isn't hot is just lord of the guiglots it's crazy when you see an ugly Australian you're like holy shit how can you have a bowl cut and a dead eye you're a prince valiant

and you have one arm what the fuck yeah dude there was fucking lord mungo he was sitting in 1k on the flight from adelaide to perth i fucking clocked him and told tim and ben i was like oh my god the weirdest looking man in the world is up here they were coming up and doing laps like i'll never forget 1k man he was such a fucking wadlord why is it k well because it was oh eight for those wide planes gotcha no no i was thinking i'm an idiot i was thinking of a one row that would go from a to k like a fucking idiot the biggest plane of all

time he should have been under the plane with the dogs they should have made him ride in steerage he was such a fucking guiguo dude i'm surprised you weren't next to him i mean sometimes there's guis and sometimes there's guos but when you see the full combo guiguo you're like no way good for you i mean that's coming from me between the hours of like 2 and 8 a.m. last night, I was a guiguo, so I can say it. Did you have to drive through Burger King? No, I don't have a car. I walked in.

Oh, nice. It's like, feed me, Seymour. And they're just 24 hours or some shit? I guess. It's not Burger King. It's Hungry Jack. Yeah. Because they hate the king and

the queen here because they're under the subject of the throne oh so it's hungry jack and they fucking love maccas eat some maccas it's like you guys there's no culture here yeah everyone's just fucking blackout drunk or surfing that's all that happens here there's no art no good music or like i mean some good music has come out of here no No movies. There's no novelist from Australia. It's just a bunch of people who are like, I'm in the sun for eight hours a day, and then I have my nine pints, and then I go to bed. It's great.

And then my consciousness goes to bed, but my body does what it wants. My body makes mud. My body opens up the quarry and says, everybody out. My body opens up the quarry and says, everybody out. My body starts throwing bricks and climbing trees.

Me sheets do blackface when I'm asleep. It's great. We killed Becker. Oh, no. He's out. Get his his ass we got him nobody cares about him here in the states we watch him fall out of frame and just like finish the episode yeah go over there to publish it and but we don't call for i don't call for help i I just leave. Are you guys talking about if I just choked to death? Yeah.

You're okay. I almost swallowed my cigarette when you said my sheets do blackface. And something weird happened. I couldn't get air in for a second. It was like the wind was knocked out of me, but it didn't hurt the same. Nice.

You're drowning in laughter. Drowning in your own phlegm. It was a solid weekend it was fun uh nobody completely nobody pulled a you and shit the bed on stage eddie peppertone being in trinidad ruled it was fucking cool i got how much did you bother him uh very little i like eddie i'm i'm like you. I'm you. I'm a little. Hey, whoa. I'm a guy. I'm looking to full. I'm looking to go full glow in the next couple of years. Looking to go for it.

He he kept calling himself a piece of ass. He kept talking about how hard it was to like keep up his his celebrity status as being a hot piece of ass and how he wished that he could let himself go. And he'd be like, like you fucks get on the town, um,

but call it beautiful, but then make it seem like we were all swine. And then he was this, this hot piece of ass. It was funny. So no one bombed, huh? Hmm.

Uh, I saw a little bomb or two but i only i only did a couple of you know i hosted the main shows and those were those were good was it beasley no beasley did well uh we were in raton for late late breakfast a couple people kind of were dumb but you know there's that pressure to like play the game and be funny and some of the games don't really allow for both you kind of have to either stick to the rules or like say fuck it and just try to get your jokes in or whatever but uh it was kind of funny who got to do late late breakfast or that it was in raton it's like one of the best most fun shows there is

like that was dumb as soon as i heard it don't have it on my town but you know most of the people that were there were people from trinidad that took the train so maybe it made sense to have a definite fun show for the people who made the trip yeah who knows who cares to the locals yeah it doesn't matter for sure but um nothing matters we're all just grains of sand in an hourglass and someone's gonna fucking flip that glass over and our time will be up that's us god's about to shit the bed i'm smelling it i'm smelling it as we speak does it reek in there what do you think what the fuck do you think stupid does it reek in here yes well yes it reeks breaking news room filled with shitty sheets reeks

maybe yes giant freak shit's bed room stinks more at 11 god doesn't reek in here yes uh we had a fun we had a fun uh couple of episodes without you we did i didn't want to do one as part of the festival but a few people showed up god damn it i was like all right get in here you bastards and zach moss made fun of me because there were like six comics that came in and i didn't invite any of them to take a microphone with me and becker i just wanted a little bit of a back and forth and i wanted to make fun of them without them being able to like i didn't want zach moss to dominate the microphone and call me fat and stupid the whole time so i made him sit and he didn't want a funny episode.

I've heard that's your thing. He started walking around and just fucking with the blinds and stuff. And then he left. But I think, I think it was a good time. We guessed on the size of Mitch's dick and I think we nailed it. Yeah. Okay.

I think we got it right. And then Noah came in at the end and was a scatterbrained and weird. So that was good. Legendary all time bomb. Noah Reynolds, Trinidad festival, 2021. end and was uh scatterbrained and weird so that was good legendary all-time bomb noah reynolds trinidad festival 2021. yeah he uh stayed away and then he came back through and uh you know a little little little bit of noah doesn't hurt nobody the other episode we did uh thursday with jay gillespie was a good one and we got some good feedback from that people like jay yeah people like jay that's good

and it's nice to record in the same room me and Becker and Jay can be in the same room and you know I don't know Jay does a good job of just fucking going you know like yeah it's always better when you're in the same room yeah yeah we don't need to recap how the episode went people

listen to it I'm catching you up we know you didn't listen. I wish I did. I listened. I loved it. I was like, this is great. They don't need me. It made you.

I need you. No one needs me. I'm a rumor. I'm a whisper in a dead tongue. Who cares? I'm just going to Andre the Giant my bed. Who cares? Well, I mean, I've been i've been ripping and roaring down here tim fucking sent me a ticket to australia the day before my sister's wedding at like 10 30 p.m

uh just like come out we'll have fun you like fun come why not i didn't know i was coming so oh dude also i left may may 1st and arrived may 3rd so the day that disappeared was my birthday i had no birthday this year it legally wasn't around so i'm still 34 everyone shout out me yeah i just i just my birthday evaporated somewhere over the south seas you've still got it i don't have it i don't exist you're a hot piece of ass i'm not a hot piece of ass my bed was hot because of my ass last night it was a warm sauna experience uh i did add i flew right to adelaide me and tim and ben went to the zoo we held the koala gross overrated Don't care.

They're little fucking drug addicts. They have a stink gland on their chest, so they just reek like my room right now. They have a sex gland on their chest. And as long as you feed them eucalyptus, they'll do whatever you want. It's just like every girlfriend I had from 18 to 24. Just a tiny drug addict who only lets you hold her if you got some drugs for her. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I've never dated a drug addict. But a couple of violent addicts.

Well, that's not the point. The point is that koalas are gross. They stink. I mean, I don't know. It was $30 to hold one. Becker, guess how much a pack of cigs is here? $15.

Becker, guess how much a pack of cigs is here? No way. $20. Guess how much a pack of cigarettes is in Australia, Becker? $30. Becker, guess how much a pack of cigarettes is in australia it's more than 30 i bought a pack of cigarettes last night 52 australian what the how much is that american probably six dollars american no no it's uh it's three quarters so 52 it's like it was probably like

38 american holy shit why why because they don't like smoking it's a nanny state here dude i got a pint last night for 18 the first beer i had was18 for a pint of local beer. Packs of cigs are 52 bucks. Those were not fancy guaranteed to make you shit your pants cigarettes. That's the problem. They're so controlling. They make them expensive. And the Surgeon General warning says, you're going to shit the bed tonight bed tonight yeah and you couldn't read it because you were all fucked up yeah is there any chance

they robbed you and charged you for five packs and just bought themselves around because you were blotto no dude i've been buying cigarettes here they're they're every they're between 38 dollars and like 68 dollars. Jesus fuck me. If you smoke here, you roll your own cigarettes or you get them from China. Dude, I'd have to go full ripple and grow my own. Oh, you would not be able to live. You'd be selling every hole on your fucking body

so you could afford cigs. How much is weed? I don't know. You haven't bought any? Oh, well, yeah, you don't really smoke anymore. Well, I mean, I was in Adelaide for a night, did the show, flew to Perth, i don't know you haven't bought any oh well yeah you don't really smoke anymore well i mean i was in adelaide for a night did the show flew to perth which is literally the farthest city away from denver in the world did the show they were all fucking rich retards who didn't know when to laugh

it was just like miami but everyone had down syndrome that was perth um and then the next day we flew to the dane tree rainforest six hours away from where we were in per day we flew to the Daintree rainforest six hours away from where we were in Perth. We were in the rainforest for three days. Tim hated it because he couldn't get room service in the rains in the rainforest. He was just pissed the whole time. Where's the cafe?

Rainforest, no cafe. It was so funny to watch him just be furious while we're sitting in the middle of paradise. But yeah, we went up to Cape Tribulation. The Daintree Rainforest is the world's oldest rainforest. It's 180 million years old. And it's the only place in the world where two world heritage sites meet.

You have the Daintree Rainforest and you have the Great Barrier Reef. And they meet at Cape Tribulation. And we went out. We took the two and a half hour drive up to Cape Trib and we walk out on the beach and it's the platonic ideal of what you've been imagining a beach to be in your brain forever. It's the cover of Uncharted. It's the cover of every movie about the beach.

And it's so pretty and so perfect and so majestic, you can't even see it. Like it's so beautiful that your brain's so majestic you can't even see it like it's so beautiful that your brain's like well this just looks like a painting or this just looks like an image that you've seen before so it was like almost impossible to take it in was how spectacular it was so that was very cool um yes that was so pretty that you're complaining about it yeah no i mean it was like that's pretty it was like uh i'm trying to blind item this person remember remember when i was uh dating that girl and everyone was like

yeah how the fuck did he pull this off? Yes. What crime did he witness her commit? That was how pretty it was. Whoa. Was like her. Nice. Yes. You came on the beach. You're like, oh, this will be the low light of the trip for sure.

It can't get any worse than this. Good, good, good, good. You had to get up to your waist in the ocean Tim's like what the fuck are you doing you want to be wet in the car for the next hour and a half and you're like I was just really hot I just glee'd in my gloves Tim's like did you glee in my gloves did you glee yes

I wouldn't glee that was crazy and then did Sydney for a night after three nights in the rainforest and then flew to Melbourne yesterday and that's where we are baby that's where we are i saw a fucking echidna oh yeah yeah you know about those

guys i can't really think of one are they a little spiny they have like a hard but they have spikes on their back and they can roll up into a ball or something. Yeah, they're like a little hedgehog, but they're one of the two monotremes, which are the egg laying mammals. Oh, shit. So I saw that in the wild and that was sick. We saw a panda melon. We saw two of those. We saw some frogs. I mean, the rainforest is just full of, you know, animals and shit.

We went when we held the koala. We went to one of those like rainforest parks where you can hand-feed kangaroos and wallabies and shit. I got sexually harassed by an ostrich. That was very scary. It goosed me. It was a huge? They're big. It was an ostrich.

And I had a bunch of food for the animals in my pockets. And it just came up and attacked me. And I hated it. What? Shit. I was just going to ask you something. Yes. Oh, what was the person here?

What was the fruit? What was that fruit that you said was the best fruit you've had? Yes. I'm the grossest person in Australia and I don't deserve to be loved. Next question. Now, what was the fruit? Star sop? The sour sop.

Sour sop. Best fruit i ever fucking had dude it's a marshmallow cotton candy sweet gooey mess and i i can't i need to get another one today maybe that'll right all my wrongs maybe if i get a sour sop i'll be better it makes you shit the bed you're allergic to them you wake up wait so you're you're just on the the bare mattress yeah i'm bare mattress or you got i laid a towel down yeah towels over the uh the brown spot yeah dude it sucks oh my god yeah and every time i forget about it i just look over at the corner of the room and there it is the evidence you call the front desk you I forget about it. I just look over at the corner of the room and there it is. The evidence. You call the front desk.

You're like, Hey, the water pressure in my shower is pretty bad. Could I get a new room? Is that doable? And then you just switch rooms. Thank you so much. Thank you.

They ask you and you're like, Oh, I don't know. That could have happened after I left, but, uh, someone must've went in there and shit. It wasn't me. They probably found out I was American and they wanted to pin it on me.

I mean, rovers way i had to row and wade through all that shit last night i needed a boat or to get out of there i could have floated a goddamn canoe can you get an abortion down there or is is that also illegal it's a nanny state do they have nannies that take care of the babies that you're forced to have well it's mandatory if you're an indigenous person that was what they did well i don't know about any laws down here except for cigs are expensive the taiwanese beef noodle soup is great uh you can pretty much beat off to any person you see outside man woman no girl boy whatever they're all hot there's no guns there's no guns uh no one knows what a boomerang is here they've never heard of the game chicken that you play where you sit on

someone's shoulders i took that one on the chin last night went into my patented chicken bit and they were just like what's he talking about he sits on people for fun in the water what oh that's weird why all the shows have been great well it turns out they call it taxi car that's what they call it down here oh boy some lady after the show was like we call it taxi car doesn't that make more sense than chicken you never been on a chicken shoulders have you everything's a question i'm talking to you do you understand it it's like who who are you asking say it walking mama taxi car that doesn't make sense either taxi car you get in the pool you get your big mate you sit on his shoulders you give your girl a shove she she falls off you're

the winner you're the best everyone loves you unlike you no one loves you you're alone why am i talking to you you're a ghost you're gonna go shit the bed after you eat you didn't even eat maccas did you you big ape you should be in the zoo i should be charging 30 to take a picture with you what's maca nut a nut mcdonald's m nut. McDonald's is Macca's. They really just call it Macca's, but it's the same. Oh, they call it Macca's. It's McDonald's, but no one calls it McDonald's. It's Macca's. They call ACDC Akadaka.

No, they don't. Yes, they do. They call the band ACDC Akadaka. I can't believe that. That's a real fucking thing i can't hear one guy tonight and i'm gonna ask people what they call the band okay make sure they're old enough to have a reference for the band yeah they're old enough to come from a time before letters yeah no i've heard jim jeffries has talked shit about it because he's like those are the kind of idiots i come from they shortened acdc the hackadack it's longer somehow it's more yeah yeah yeah man uh australia

is wild and i'm sure that i'll be able to speak on it more uh clearly when i'm pulled out of it you think you're gonna you think you're gonna pay like a thousand dollars to leave tomorrow instead of thursday i don't know dude i don't know i feel really bad about uh every all the feelings i have about myself down here right now i feel fucking foolish and stupid and uh i regret telling anyone them i regret being vulnerable on a giant platform like we have, but, uh, there's a bunch of shit in my sheets.

Just to remind you, that's who I am. I dumped the bed so bad. I might have to sleep outside on the couch. I might be in this room tonight. Luckily I have like a little area, but yeah, I might be out here.

I can't go in the other room. I can't in the bedroom door just been shut is there a window there's a window yeah is it open no i can't open it i already checked i was gonna puck my carcass out of this building earlier today i was gonna try and squish some people. I just meant for a little bit of air circulation. No, I mean, when I open that room, dude, it's going to smell like a koala breeding facility. It's going to be so bad in there. Oh.

I don't know what to do. This might be my emotional rock bottom. Being too afraid to go in the room, I shit it. Get a trash bag and take the sheets out to the dumpster, bud. Maybe, dude. That's the move. That is the move. They're going to do that anyway.

It's not like they're going to be mad you threw them away away you're saving them what you're doing to yourself right now yeah i don't want anyone to be mad at me the worst thing might be to leave them and not say anything and just check out and then they get blasted with it i think it might be i think Becker might be right for once you might need to throw it away and then when you check out just say hey something happened uh I threw the sheets away I'm sorry if you need to bill me bill me and that's all you can do right that's better than just nothing I'm not looking anyone in the eye in the lobby for the rest of my stay here. I'm taping the door closed like at the crime scene.

Is the mattress a pillow top? No, dude. Then flip that motherfucker too. It's into the mattress. I know, but if it's still a pillow top, then you need to flip it. I marinated in that for like six hours, dude. I woke up.

I had to take a shower. I was like on the verge of tears in the shower. I'm barely holding on, dude. I'm sorry. But I'm trying to help you get away with it flip that mattress if it's not a pillow top I can't go in there I can't confront my mistake

I shit out any bit of bravery I had last night and I'm just a fucking sallow coward now. This is going to ruin my Hotels Tonight profile. They know about you? I mean, I got this through Hotels Tonight. Oh, shit. What if they blacklist me? Brownlist. In a black sheet. this is a nice hotel too like i don't think that they deal with this very often well people are getting black out there

yeah they're partying they're getting so black out that they're shitting the bed come on women get surprise periods all the time they wake up and they've just slaughtered the fucking sheets i would kill for a surprise period i would love it to be a gallon of blood instead of a gallon of my hungry jack i thought i was like this morning i like showering and i was like oh man i feel so terrible i'm such a fucking piece of shit maybe i should jerk off and i couldn't i couldn't do it i was just sitting there trying to rub and i was like look at you look at you you can't go in the other room because it smells like your defilement and now you're trying to jerk off you're disgusting

i just walked the streets is is this the only day you felt bad yes okay i i think maybe tomorrow when you're not hung over and your brain doesn't hate you it might be better maybe i mean i have a bunch of zans i just want to like pop one but uh i have to do shows tonight so that'd be bad yeah don't do that yeah if you still feel shitty in the morning take a xanax before you walk around just take a piece of one don't take a full bus i'm thinking about eating i'm thinking about eating a couple buses i'm thinking about bringing the jv and the varsity maybe even get a c team involved it's playoff time I know that I would feel better if I just cranked a benzo but

I would lose my comedic edge yeah you don't want to do it before your show but you have several hours you could bounce back have a Red Bull maybe I could bounce back have a Red Bull I want to go out and read in the park

but they're gonna love that bunch of descendants of criminals seeing somebody reading hey look he's reading yeah it doesn't even have to he could be drinking a beer it's not for school he's reading are you reading are you asking me a question yes i'm supposed to meet this artist that i really like tonight too she's like my favorite artist and i have three of her paintings in my house and she lives here and she's coming out to the show and what am i supposed to say to her hello i'm sam talent i shit the bed so bad come on in come on in she's not coming into my hotel i mean i might have to get another room and like not cancel this one i might have to have

two concurrent rooms going on in the same hotel that would that would raise more uh is that crazy i think yeah yes that's crazier than walking a trash bag out to the dumpster for sure it is but what are they gonna say to me when they see me with the bag less than they're gonna say when you ask for another room halfway through your stay for no reason but dude it's such a nanny state here that like as soon as you leave the room they're like mr talent where are you going what can we do for you you need any help with anything so they're going to see me carrying a trash bag i'm going to be like stand back away from me you don't want to know what's in here where's the dumpster all right uh daddy did a whoopsie with his bottom there's no way out of

the back of the hotel i don't know dude it's not oceans 11 i don't have the fucking blueprints all right maybe i'll go to recon you don't do a heist you just go out back like you're gonna do some drugs i just farted and it stinks so bad so you're now you're ruining both rooms dude what the fuck is the matter with me you ate a bunch of fast food. It's okay to have a fart. Did what I just did. If a normal person lived the last eight hours of my life, they would call a doctor or

apologize to a priest or check themselves into some kind of program. But here I am. I'm just fucking loving every minute of it. Guess how many tacos I ate during the festival are we talking 33 more whoa 52 oh my god yeah whoa 52 yeah it's the same as the pack of cigs oh nice oh my god it's all coming together everything is everything

we're gonna get you through this i'm finding connections and things that aren't connected what were the i need to lay some newspaper down and pad myself what were the tacos dude zach moss made this oh yeah edible pork i forgot he made bone broth for 36 hours slow roasted pork in it for a day and then brought all that to my house and pan fried it and the first night we had like 21 tacos a piece and then the second night at my house him and paisher came over at like three o'clock in the morning and we ate tacos until damn near 6 a.m like we just sat we sat in my kitchen and zach just would fry meat we'd sit down eat the whole pan he'd get back up fry meat we'd sit down and eat the whole pan for almost three hours but i'm the animal that's the

scene i was trying to make it lunch that is trying to point out that we're the animals yeah we're all in. You guys are doing Chicago tacos one night. I remember hearing about. Yeah. Pork and Jardin. Yeah. Pork and Jardinera.

Oh, we had a whole. It was amazing. And it's ridiculous that I haven't been served one before. That's so good. I had Taiwanese beef noodle soup for lunch and I really liked it. What's that all about? It's just a big bowl of soup with a hunks of weird parts of beef and then hand-pulled noodles.

And then I got some cucumbers, and I got some fungus, and I put them in there, too. Check this out. Let's see if you guys can hear this. Oh, God! It sounded like a cry for help did that come through yeah oh no my microphone stinks oh man it sounded like a like one that would smell real bad a bunch of pieces of shit

i need to come home i need to fucking get my shit together. Did you get a Gatorade and drink a bunch of water and coffee? They don't have Gatorade here. They have Powerade. They don't have Gatorade at all? No. The country doesn't have Gatorade. They're still being penalized.

We have Crocs. We have Crocs. No Gatorade. Dude, I wanted to go swimming at the great barrier reef but there's all these like microscopic poisonous jellyfish called the doom fish it's just everything in the water is trying to kill you everything on the land is trying to kill you too the water's even more dangerous dude damn i got a bunch of ant bites. In the water? No, just on land. I'm covered in ant bites. Damn.

I'm not doing good. You look nice. Your haircut's growing out really well. Thanks, Becker. Your hair's falling out. Shut up. Shut up, blonde. I don't get a shit from you. your hair's falling out shut up shut up blonde your sister's wedding was really nice i can't remember what uh what what we could talk about like a good oh i guess you know you crushed your speech it was very funny your dad fucking

nailed it with uh his opener talking about how he he rambled a bit at yours and emily's wedding and then you know busted out his uh piece of paper with his speech on it yeah and then yeah he said like evic ecum morocco and then he did the dramatic turning right side up of the page yeah welcome everybody yeah that was a great bit yeah that was a home run for sure um i didn't do my let's save the wedding talk for the next step oh yeah because we're we're out of time i thought we needed to finish strong no dude but we already did strong with you whining yeah sorry everybody i mean i uh this is the place where i can talk i haven't talked to anyone i haven't said any words aloud besides like cucumber and fungus today that's all i've

said and all the negative self-talk i did to myself in the mirror when i was covered in my own mud i don't know if you've ever had shit like between your shoulders like it was everywhere i had to use shampoo you had to put a bunch of soap on the wall shower wall and then rub up against it like a bear yeah i went through two bars of soap today you just put one up your ass yeah i need to go take another shower maybe i'll feel better if i take another shower yeah before your show have another shower you really should just just get that get that out of there especially if you're not going to leave tomorrow uh you you gotta you gotta you know end it it. You're like wallowing in this mistake and you need a fresh start. So part of that would be to the front desk,

hey, can I have a garbage bag? You know, something happened and I'd like to take care of it so that you guys don't have to. Just keep it. They're going to know, but you don't have to spell it out for them. They're going to know.

I can't say that. Just say it. Something happened and I need to take care of it? Well, yeah, you're right. The police will be here. I guess you have to be a little more specific. I had an accident and I'd like to take care of it so that nobody else has to. I can't say I had an accident.

Go downstairs and tell them you went to do a koala thing and you got gland all over one of your sweatshirts and you want a bag to throw it away these are the worst lies i can just ask for a trash bag without giving a reason exactly well your proposal and you said how would i get away with it yeah i thought you wanted some some bit of uh reasoning something to say to them as opposed to keeping it very mysterious because then they will wonder how many people you killed as opposed to hey i'm a little embarrassed like you know you could say i got drunk last night and let me just say i i want to take care of uh what happened I don't know. I'm not saying that. Fine. These are all worse ideas than just, can I have a trash bag?

Fine, then say that. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to go to the lobby. I'm going to find a trash can, and I'm just going to pull the bag out of it. No, that's crazy. What's that? Becker, do you think there's a 34-gallon a hotel room have you been in a hotel room it's a tiny little bag there's no trash bags in the four seasons so i gotta i can use a pillowcase yeah you could use a pillow that's the move that's what i'm doing

throw it all in a pillowcase and then find your way out of back door. Don't go through the lobby. I just need to find a clean pillowcase. Because they've all been shitted upon. Is there a way to take an elevator to a parking garage or something? Dude, I was Augustus Gloop last night. I drowned in the chocolate river. Is there a way to a parking garage instead of a lobby? Can you go out that way?

Maybe I'll go to the roof and just chuck it. Jesus Christ. Just put it up there. Just leave it on the roof. Let the birds take it away piece by piece. Make a nest.

God. They'll tear it into strips. I made a nest in my mess. It is crazy that I made it like, I don't know, five hours in there before I realized it. Yeah. Who knows? You might have shit right at the end.

You might have been only like 30, 40 minutes in your poop. Also, I think that I woke up maybe during it or like right after it. Because I woke up last night and I was like, what? Like I heard a noise or something. And then I went back to bed. What? Who cares? So I think that I had a chance to not be in it. But I just went back to bed in it.

I couldn't tell at the time, but I did wake up in the middle of the night and was like, hello, who's there? Come back later. That's even worse. That rules. Well, I'm glad that you shared with us. It would have been funny if you would have tried to keep it from us. No.

But I think it might have helped to talk about it. This all helped a lot, man. I'm really glad we talked. All right. Well, enjoy the rest of your day. about it it all this all helped a lot man i'm really glad we talked all right well uh enjoy the rest of your day uh if you end up coming back come back but if not then uh i don't know just try and bounce back and don't beat yourself up who cares like you said people are fucking cutting people's heads off and diddling kids and you're just being uh a little you know having a little whoopsie after drinking a few too many.

That's you're not the first person to do that in Australia or anywhere. You're not breaking the mold. I know. And I appreciate that. And I just want to say, I'm sorry to the four seasons Melbourne for shitting the bed so bad you had to throw it away. Cause I bet this will get back to you somehow.

And I just want to say it wasn't me it was someone else this is a comedy podcast satire came in and dumped my bed it's a bit yeah uh houston riot comedy may 20th and 21st. Creek in the Cave, May 27th and 28th. Is that right, Lund? Yeah. The last Friday and Saturday of the month of May. Rogue Island Comedy Festival, the 29th and 30th in Providence. And then St. Louis Helium, the first weekend in June. I love you.

I'm sorry. Goodbye.