Chubby Behemoth - Sleep In The Cake

Episode Date: June 9, 2021

2 Pastors, 2 Tallboys. Let It Marinate. I Like The Food.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra Episodes at https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

Hey, that funky sound mean it's the bad boys are in town. So everybody prepare to clown around with your favorite humor podcast. Chubby behemoth hosted as always by. Hey, everyone, it's me, the bad boy, the incorrigible one, the one with his fingers in a lot of different pockets. Sam Tizzy Talent. fingers in a lot of different pockets sam tizzy talent and me nathan lund the other guy the guy that used to live in a city and now lives in the middle of nowhere parts unknown new mexico colorado parts unknown he's not just talking about his genitals don't gender him excuse me hey don't forget your producer and our lovable affable third wheel it's jake becker hey there he is bigger and becker once you go back you don't go back that's what i've heard uh because he ruins

your uterus he gets in there and he just excavates through he roto-rooters that sweet sweet dumpling purse hey i didn't order any hot sauce damn you are coming in hot you must have sat on some hot sauce no man i haven't eaten anything today i'm in a 18 hour don't go slow go fast 65 miles an hour where where where here's your ticket for not eating enough your brain is dissolving into mush i got a ticket in kansas man they uh this guy set a record a speed record after I set a speed, a land speed record. Fucker. I thought I was going to get like question because I had Colorado plates and stuff.

Now, this was all business. This dude wanted to pull over 10 more people in that half hour. So he just fucking got back to the car and then came back. He was like, here you go. And it was on his way. And I was just fucking it was very businesslike i felt uh like i'd been used and abused and uh there was no passion behind you know just dead-eyed just raking up money for the state dead-eyed more like dead-thighed who punched me i have a charlie horse ouch uncle jimmy

emily is not into it hey Hey, it's her. Old MT, everyone. All right, Dr. T and the gals. My wife. We've decided today that we're going to be only nice to each other. We're not going to joke around and bust each other's balls. Just for today, though. Just for today, yeah.

Because it's become so pervasive that it's poisoned both of our psyches. And now, you know, it's like, hey, what's up, pant load? Let me get one of those tits in my mouth yeah right dickless b that kind of talk all the time over here well did it did it reach a head and somebody got their feelings hurt or was it just a mutual or was it being around your family in new orleans and you were like hey let's recalibrate no but i mean her mom has been like you guys fight so much and it were like, hey, let's recalibrate. No, but I mean, her mom has been like, you guys fight so much. And it's like, no, we just communicate very well. We don't harbor any grudges.

So it's not even fighting. It's just like catty, hilarious zingers back and forth. It's pretty much like living on the cast of the original man show. You know, like I'm Corolla. She's Kimmel. She has a she was from radio. I'm more of a rough scrabble, bootstraps character. I used to be

a carpenter. We're trying to make it work in this crazy world, man. Gordy is that old guy that could down two fucking mugs of beer in four seconds. That's right. The Man Show Man. What was his name? I don't know.

Whatever it is, it's R.I.P. for sure. He is not alive. Didn't he take his teeth out and put a whole pineapple in his mouth? That was the peak of television. It was an old, toothless war veteran gumming a pineapple on basic cable. I miss those days. You had the juggies hopping up and down. I'm trying to figure out how long I should be hard

before my dad comes back from work. You're edgy. You're edging yourself. I wasn't. No, I was not. It was full frontal power load. Hey, beautiful wife, would you mind making me a cup of coffee? She has to say yes. Signed a pact. Dearest Emily, I feel bad interrupting your workload, Yes. Signed a pact. Dearest Emily, I feel bad interrupting your workload,

which I know is daunting and overpowering. And I respect you for working so hard. But would you make me, your husband, your devoted partner, a cup of coffee? Oh, really? Thank you very much. She just called me fur baby. Oh, see, she said sure, okay cool whoops no last night i was in bed and like you know we had a lovely night she uh played a soccer

game i did a very oh dude last night on stage i got two pastors to shotgun two tall boys yeah whoa yeah it was nuts yeah i watched the videos uh pretty cool i guess okay well thank you lund that's uh i feel like you and me need to sign the same pack the same accord that emily and i signed well we were gonna record last night and then you were like oh yeah i forgot i have a show no no i i just uh we were out at the bar and i was like oh i forgot we had this show which i apologize for also i made a mea culpa online last night on the chubby behemoth chub reddit so i took all the heat off your guys's backs what from the post of the guy well doesn't matter for not giving out free uh episodes every week yeah well guess

what one more than zero is still a bonus episode you idiot yeah uh i didn't i i wanted to reply with just free uh free in uh quotation marks or extra i don't know i was gonna be salty but i'm glad you were sweet. Yeah. The episodes are as free as Palestine. All right. They're hotly disputed. They're war-torn often. You got to fight for freedom. Yeah. They're controlled by

a certain group. The media. The media. I'm not saying who. But yeah, I made... I didn't make this there was this couple sitting in the front row last night uh their 25th wedding anniversary and i was very sweet to them i said congratulations what a what a joy what a gift and then they were like hey that's our pastor outside why and then she was like you know i was like oh cool pastor and then she was like it looks like he's uh he's sad and i was like yeah because uh

because god isn't real of course he's sad he's just uh you know he's he's a flimflam man and a snake snake oil salesman and he has to confront the fact that what he's devoted his life to is a is a complete falsitude and uh and then of course they went and got him and brought him in and made him sit in the front row. And next thing you know, when I walked into the bar last night, the owner was like, hey, we have a beer that's just for shotgunning. Would you mind shotgunning a beer on stage for our Instagram? And I was like, sir, you have come to the right place. I have a tool right here on my keychain that's just designed for shotgunning beer uh and it was you know it was three percent abv because lord knows when i'm shotgunning beers the last

thing i want is a buzz yeah i'm surprised it's not like non-alcoholic they're like yeah shove it in yeah he was like yeah yeah you know that way you can shotgun a bunch of them and it's like yeah you mean just like bud light or miller light or any other domestic light beer yeah you're good work innovator uh but the trick with the can was is that there's like a wrap on it you know the label so you can't actually pierce the can you can pierce the the aluminum but you can't get through the wrap so i just stood on stage like a jackass trying to crack this cold one open while I lost all respect from the crowd. Luckily, I got him back with my patented

whip and rapier charm. What was that? Rapier charm. Hmm. Even rapier than the original. Yeah, exactly. I'm Heinz 57. Rapier charm. Rapier charm. I think that's what people callpe charm. Rape your charm. I think

that's what people call a fedora. It's a rape charm. It's going to happen. Silent rape whistle. Wait, so is it a joke that you, hey, this is for shotgunning and then you can't get through the label

or did they just give you a weird one? No, they hadn't introduced the can yet. I think that they haven't done a lot of what's it called? R&R? No. R&D. R&D. Yeah, they hadn't done a lot of research in a dong development. So I was just a man standing up there in shorts while the sun was up in a very brightly lit room. This crowd loved Tobyby tobias livingston they couldn't get enough toby so i didn't know what to do you know he was up there come play with us and they're all fucking doing the wave in the crowd uh no toby was very funny he has a giant

growth in his mouth that makes emily nervous but uh so yeah the guy was like you say pull and i'll toss you a beer and i was like cool pull and pull and I'll toss you a beer. And I was like, cool, pull. And then he like tossed it from two feet away while he was trying to film. And then I struggled to pierce the can for a good 35 seconds while the crowd lost interest. They were just thinking about wondering what that Toby guy's up to. When he says playlist, what's he mean? Toby would have blasted right through that label immediately because he's a real man. Yeah, Toby would have used his last tooth to pierce the bottom.

He would have used that growth. Yeah, that growth could shock his own beer. I just thought of my biggest fear, which I have revealed on previous episodes, is the oral cancer, the tongue tongue cancer where they remove your bottom jaw what if that's toby yeah come play with us well yeah that's that's the issue is what if that is toby he showed emily last night and she was like oh my god you need to sign up for medicaid right now uh-oh well yeah he just like hey emmy check this out fucking big mouth billy bass right there and goes full predator oh yeah he's gonna be roger ebert next summer oh my god i hope not man

you know toby's unkillable and if he does don't worry he has a shovel that's one of his bits i've got a shovel toby so he retired from comedy booking because uh he was supposed to drive to des moines and then immediately back and they only sold three tickets so he canceled the day of and he's like i'm done my dreams have crashed into reality cut my life into pieces yeah my hopes and dreams are like kobe bryant he went john denver yeah no poor toby we love toby friend of the pod uh but yeah i made this pastor chug a couple beers and they each gave me a standing ovation one of them was so hot dude they had this fucking beautiful you know of course i did say

silver fox nathan oh hell yeah yeah i hit him with the silver fox which way wait there were two was one older one was younger they both younger guys i couldn't really one might have been older but he was black so i can't tell because he was perfect you're saying he was the hot one no he was hot as fuck but then the other one came in and it was like, you know, if all pastors look this way, the kids wouldn't mind getting diddled. That's what I took from it and also said to him. And he didn't laugh. But the rest of the room did. And so they were they were like Luke Perry before the stroke.

And so they were they were like Luke Perry before the stroke. They were they were dueling pastors from different churches trying to troll for the youth. Like, hey, you know, you could come get blasted at church. I don't give a shit. Yeah, they were universalist pastors. They didn't care. Just desperate. Hey, you can smoke weed.

Just just say you won't have sex till you get married. All right. How about that? How about that for a compromise? Hey, come on and you can finger my daughter. I don't care. Just light a candle for the orphans. I got to get these numbers up.

Yeah. Like military recruiters. Hey, if you, if you end up wanting to take my job, I'm out of here. I get, I get to be free again.

Hey, if you, if you come in, you can drive my Jeep. You can hold this sword doors off for the summer hey hold this rapier whoops wrong sword let me let me get my cutlass out of my cutlass sabrine uh emily and i just looked at a house across the street literally across the street that has four bedrooms.

Four. Yeah, it's huge, but it's a little bit dumpy. As soon as we walked in, Emily turned around. She was like, oh, this is beautiful. I love it in here. And then she looked at me and went, ah, ah. Ixnay on the ump day. Yeah, she gave me the cut across the throat.

And then she turned around. She was like, my God, what a joy it would be to live here yeah it just starts over overcompensating yeah oh my god i could i can imagine raising a family in this house right yeah then turns around she's like puts yeah puts a finger gun to her head yeah and her and her pussy she was the classic lund two guns two bullets two guns yeah make sure the deed is done Megan grew up with a girl who tried to kill herself at like 15

and fucked it up blew her face off but not her brain and so she just talk about a predator she went full zoidberg i believe was the problem oh no yeah dude she had spaghetti face i think and it sounded awful like oh my god you want to end it and then you know when i'm sure part of the reason she was suicidal is how kids can can be mean about your physical appearance.

And then she made herself look way more ripe, you know, for bullying. For just more fucking bullying. She looks so ripe that a bunch of baboons ate half of her head. She looks juicy and sweet. Give me that clementine. Give me that clementine. Hey, it's me, the man man show man let me put your head in my mouth yeah let me take a bite out of that pineapple i'm gonna take a bite out of the whole

yeah dr kev how about that that blast from the past i think we've maybe covered that already i think we've covered every aspect of dr kev we've covered every aspect of everything. Yeah. Except for this. Guess what I've been calling Gordy? What? Chalmer Williams. Alright. Yeah. I can't get enough of it. Because Gordy relies too much on his catchphrase. Let it

marinate. Becker, do you remember Chalmer Williams? No. Oh, man're you're not missing out was he a local yeah he was uh he was one of the black guys that bobby wouldn't touch allegedly no that was all that was all a lie how many times we edited that out of the park uh not this time yeah let's leaving it in baby let it marinate we're talking about bobby bird

we're talking about bobby bird that time oh yeah man you mean bobby falconer charmer was cool but yeah he would all he would always respond to a joke not getting a good response with all right let him marinate you know that was his saver his saver line to like keep things moving and it was um you know flimsy you could see right through it it was uh opaque yeah it was like it was gossamer on the wings of an angel did Did I want to say opaque? That kind of means blurry, doesn't it? So opaque means, yeah, it's like when you rub soap on a window and you can't see out. All right, so I fucked it up, but let it marinate, and you might find that I used it correctly. You just might find you get what you need.

Anything could happen if you give it some time. Set that shit to broil. But yeah, I wonder. I think he got out. I wonder if he got out of the game. Maybe he's a youth pastor. You know who would know? AJ.

Yeah. Steve AJ would know for sure. Hit him up. He used to call him like Naughty Head Chalmer. Superintendent Chalmer. AJ has all the best nicknames for comedians. Let's have him on. We should have him on. Yeah.J. has all the best nicknames for comedians. Let's have him on. We should have him on.

Yeah. Yeah, he'd be a good guest. A good third. Yeah, if you just want to fucking open the gates of chaos. I mean, there's no conversation that's had with Steve because he's just like, with the pussy. Yeah, doo-doo butts for everybody.

Doo-doo butts drive my nuts. In the guts. Deep cuts. He was a rapper. You know it was... He was. I know, but that was just weird after your rhyming

segment. Oh, well, it's not rhyming. I'm also a rapper. I've been told I have a rapier rapper's wit. You also have your shirt on inside out, so I don't know how witty you are. That's none of your business. You stay on your side of the screen with your judgment, all right? Yeah, well, I'm wearing a shirt as uh

shorts so we're all just trying to survive yeah becker looks hot again he looks like young mike watt i don't know who mike watt is oh my god look him up dude look him up right now okay he looks like i'm wrong uh i was gonna say you just reminded me that when I was in high school, I had a youth pastor. Well, two. They were a married couple, and the lady was really cute. And so it was tough to be going through puberty, thinking about sex all the time, and then having a good- pastor telling me you know all the ways i could burn in hell and i'm like oh believe me i'm thinking of them right now it was you had a chick youth pastor they were it was a husband and wife and they they took care of like uh there was like

a weekly youth hangout at their house i don't know i can't remember much about it because i was clouded with uh horniness yeah you were at the hangout with your wang out yeah yeah i'm like wanting to sneak off to the bathroom and rip one so that i can get back to loving god or whatever rip one grip it and rip it yeah so yeah it was uh tough times you know and then i'm like thinking like or you know my stupid brain is like hoping that maybe she's into me you know like concocting these ridiculous fantasies and then trying to act like maybe there's some truth to them it's like you thought you were a hot enough boy that you were gonna break up the marriage of two people of god well yeah i mean i was pretty good looking i don't know if you saw i played a lot of volleyball i did i've seen pictures

of you your little fish lip freak yeah i was mostly lips yeah you look like christopher soprano if he had like blush on big lips tiny nips is what i was doing in high school. Becker, did you look up Mike Watt? Yeah. What do you think? It's pretty accurate down to the shirt and everything. Thank you. That's me, Sam T., man. The assessor.

You've been described. Yeah, I like that one better than the dad from F is for Family. Oh, who says that? You said that. Oh, nice. Yeah. God god i'm good also man i need to i don't want to say this publicly really but uh i've seen some photos of me on stage recently i really need to get longer shorts what i'm doing is obscene and strange it's bizarre behavior god yeah no

shit everybody's been telling you that for five years and i either need to get longer shorts or less long shirts right yeah something's got to give it's uh it's it's an it's a it's just a bizarre people i don't think people trust that I'm a comedian. They think I'm about to expose myself to that. Yeah. They think that you knocked out the actual headliner and he or she is like struggling to get out of some some bungee cords. Right. So that they can take the stage and you are going to like pull out a gun or a big rapier of some,

you know, a cutlass. Yeah. I'm going to rip your whole crowd scabbard and, and just, yeah. And then, yeah,

the cops are going to come in and take you back to the mental hospital. Cause you have dressed like you've dressed like a tourist everywhere you go. Yeah. Well, that's because I don't know what i'm doing uh you guys all have signature looks you guys look cool all the time you know i'm still trying

to figure mine out and also like there was a fan on stage in lafayette and a couple times it blew my shirt up i was like marilyn monroe standing on the grate. I had to be like, cuckoo, cuckoo, Mr. President. Or whatever she said. Mr. President, can I sleep in the cake? I got nowhere to go. Is that how she sounded? Yeah, she got kicked in the head by

a horse, but when she was Norma Rae. It's Norma Rae. Norma Jean. I'm sleeping with the president. I'm a little slow, but I'm nice to look at. I'm a little slow, but it's 1950 and I weigh 130 pounds, so I'm considered a fat woman. I have B-cups, so I'm considered a fat woman I have I have beaker so I'm a sex object

I mean Marilyn her head would have exploded if she saw some of the babes that we know about yeah yeah she would have been reduced to nothing yeah she would have turned to ash if she saw Gianna Michael in her prime she's seen daisy daisy fuentes daisy fuentes oh hell yeah i'm uh i'm 16 again i'm thinking about uh my old youth pastor becky carmen electric i uh when i was doing my last show in kansas city i asked one of the guys in the crowd what his favorite movie was, and he said

Wag the Dog. And I immediately was 16 again because that was one of 20 movies that my girlfriend in high school and I rented and then didn't watch because we just banged the whole time. That was a fun... The whole time? That's a

90-minute movie. Well, yeah. I mean mean we probably banged like four times because i was 16 and i had you know boners for days i had unlimited boners i had the cheat code yeah called youthful exuberance before before god was dead and before my sex drive was in a coma i had uh yeah i wagged the dog for god maybe two hours you know the credits were rolling and so was i you were in the deleted scenes commentary uh so yeah that was funny that he picked wag the dog that he said wag the dog and then i talk about a movie from like 96 for 10 minutes you, and everybody just going to sleep. Everyone's furious.

Everybody's like, I skipped church for this. Yeah. Like I was born in 2010. Right. Yeah. Yeah. A bunch of Dayton Bissett and his friends. Old Dayton, man.

Yeah, we had fun. I'm glad I got to hang out with Dayton. He's a good dude. I bought some futuristic creamer that just threw Emily for a loop. What is it? She literally pulled it out of the fridge and went, where the fuck did this come from?

What makes creamer futuristic? Emmy, come show the folks at home what the creamer looks like. Ooh, alright. That's my secret reserve of cream. Super creamer. Positive energy. Nothing artificial.

Two grams of protein per tablespoon. No carbs. And it tastes good? I've never had it before. It was $7. Jesus! I know. It's a write-off. I'm talking about it on the pod. For a quart? Yeah, I did it I know. It's a write-off. I'm talking about it on the pod. For a quart?

Yeah, I did it for content. Damn, hopefully it's good. So I posted a photo on the Instagram at Chubby Behemoth Pod. Is it good? I'll give you guys a first take. Oh! That tastes weird i mean kind of tastes like a cellophane off the pack of cigarettes yeah that's how you know it's all natural

it tastes like garbage but you get to uh feel better than the average fat piece of shit out there midwest sucking down cow cum. I would gladly take a glass of cow cum over this. Not even milk, just straight utter jizz. So yeah, in New Orleans I ate at a restaurant called Gianna. Oh, that was a restaurant.

It was a restaurant, man. Did it have them? Yeah, the only restaurant that dumps them out no we had we had two homosexual they worked in uh it was two homosexual men were our waiters and they did not have them okay yeah come to come to giano where all of our staff has them that would rule if it was just like a five-star dining experience that was a Hooters. If it was like a Twin Peaks, but they had foie gras.

That would rule, man. That way, like, you know, very powerful businessmen could still get the, you know, the big tit experience at dinner when they're entertaining other heads of state. Yeah. Like Biden takes Putin there. experience at dinner when they're entertaining other heads of state yeah like biden takes putin there uh you're gonna love it vladdy they got them they got them for days that's actually a big hole in upscale dining there's not any restaurants that uh take reservations

yeah we're this is good what was that one on the mall was there one after the tilted kilt there was another one on the 16th street kilt whole business model was just hey if you drop a fork you might be able to see the back pussy lips of a 19 year old god damn that was the whole business model right yeah Right. You didn't have to have them, but you did have to wear the fucking very specific schoolgirl kind of outfit. Yeah, you had to dress like a Dutch schoolgirl who couldn't afford a bra or underwear. I was like, you know what I like with my meal? One back of the labia, please. one back of the labia please as as they're filling up your iced tea you're like uh excuse me

yes they're bringing my seventh cup of all you can eat chili so what are you what are you ladies doing later huh yeah it's so weird that the business model where the staff just gets harassed even more didn't work out. Damn millennials using porn for porn and then just wanting to eat somewhere and not have to be like, if you turn into a cartoon dog and wolf whistle. Come on into mugs and jugs. Come on in. Be a total piece of shit.

Hey, we love it here it here hey do you want to sexually harass one of your daughter's friends come on into twin peaks she has to work here because she's on probation for stealing pills uh yep that's what that was. Luckily, yeah, it did not thrive on the 16th Street Mall. I think because a lot of people are scared to go down there. They act like it's Mad Max down there. I know. I can't stop burping, and I can't stop drinking soda water. Yeah, it sounded like you burped foam.

Yeah. Yeah, that noise. I drank a bunch of detergent healthy i drank a bunch of detergent i'm blowing bubbles over here you sound like remembering ghostbusters one those like evil devil dogs that were gargoyles yeah you sound exactly like the way they growled yes Yes. Rick Moran is just shuttered somewhere. Yeah. I bet they, I mean, I'm sure someone's talked about it. There's probably a restaurant where you can like go and see guys packages.

Has that been done? I don't think women are as big a heathens as we are. I guess maybe for a different male crowd. I don't think it'd be for women. I think it'd be for women i think very gay men yeah okay and guys like one just kind of gay guys i'm like hey i like the food and it's like you haven't eaten anything yet sir

i'm doing research i can't decide what i want to eat all right so i'm taking my time uh i didn't know that you know you could kick me out just because i wanted to get a couple iced teas on a hot day get out of the sun look i come to hogs for one reason and that's the french onion soup i'm thinking about having a comedy show here but so i want to see how the clientele you know spends their time how long are they here so i'll to see how the clientele you know spends their time how long are they here so i'll be here every night between the hours of six and ten i want to be here for flappy hour uh yeah i don't know that there's because i'm i was thinking of like the thund like there's male

there's chippendales there's male the. The Thunder from Down Under, you know, or whatever, where it's like, hey, they're Australian and you can kind of see their dick, but they're not serving food. They're not. They're not getting you another side of ranch. Wink, wink. Let me get some milk, baby. Some man milk. That'd be funny if you if you were like eating at Hogs or whatever it's called. And they like come up and the guy has his dick in a hot dog bun it's like chicago style dick dog like you want to bite and

then you do take a bite and you bite a man's dick off that'd be nuts you can only work one because your dick gets bit off and you just have to hope you make like $500 in tips before, before you get the tip, just bit off of your cock. You know, you know who goes to restaurants all the time is gill oh oh brent gill probably for sure but creasy had like a ceremony every wednesday he would go to twin peaks uh down in like inglewood and try and talk about twin peaks the show yeah and they're like

what are you talking about 20 year olds yeah yeah they call him mister sir it's you know it has nothing to do with david lynch get the fuck out of here or tip 50 sir are you nude under that duster creasy wore the dusted alliance layer on monday i saw people sent me three different people sent me three different videos creasy in the duster flipping out having fun sweating yeah he went to the beach alone did you see that of course he didn't have the duster on though uh i don't know not yeah i guess i shouldn't say the beach

but he thought that they were having a denver comedy day at the beach and it ended up it was on july 3rd or something so he was just alone wearing his duster at the beach he was a month off like cherry creek reservoir or something yeah I don't think he was at... It's funny to imagine him wearing the duster in the water. It just drowns him because it gets all heavy. Yeah, he's like that guy who jumped in the pool in the Spider-Man suit.

Sir, Twin Peaks has a strict no-duster policy. Fine, fine, I'll leave. I'll leave, but first, who wants a Chicago-style hot dog i have to hold it i have to hold it for you take a bite tabitha yeah take a bite of jimmy's hot dog his name is james creasy yeah that's right. Jimmy C. JC Cree. Man. This coffee's so bad.

Because of the creamer or because of your dumb wife? No, my wife is very smart and capable and strong. You still have the goatee going, huh? Yeah, I gotta get rid of this sammy you want to come shave me on the pod that's a hard no yeah that's what we need is uh the hum of some clippers with no video showing what's happening well becker can record video too on this right

yeah i don't know i'm sure we can host it on the patreon that's where the only fan says my wife okay she wants to shave you for only fans bro yeah i don't want to do that that's all right that's a whole subcategory of only fans it's a whole subcategory ho H-O-L-E. Fellas, what's new in the worlds of Becker and Lund? It's been a pretty Sam-centric podcast so far. I've been getting my shit in. Correct.

You have. Your shit's mostly been burps. Yeah, I've been... I've been trying to set the tone and at least that one wasn't gross yeah the phone has subsided that wasn't inverted uh-huh he burped up all the detergent i stayed up till uh three o'clock in the morning eating fruit gushers and watching loki on disney plus with the broadcast geeks so you are off the wagon i'm way off the wagon i thought you were like healthy becker you're only eating salads well no i lost like four inches off my waist and now i don't have to worry about buying clothes so i can go back to buying fruit snacks that's like when creasy lost four inches off his dick when he did the hot dog scam.

He buried himself in sand on the beach and then just his dick was sticking out like a turret on a sandcastle. Yeah. A pelican came and sucked it up. Made him cum. Creasy's duster's just filled with condiments he's just working up the day to

finally pull that prank so Becker you watched Low Key now is that like a rap documentary no the God of Mischief oh Low Key Low Key yeah Low Key's son I thought it was like the sequel to belly or

something is that a is that a series or a movie it's a series on disney plus and it is fucking nuts i also watched the whole series of the new mighty ducks yesterday That's a series. Yeah, the Mighty Ducks Game Changers. And it's fucking great. It's for babies. That's a show for babies. Yeah, but they like treat babies smarter than they treated us. You watched a baby show. How much pedophilic imagery is in it?

How many like weird Pizzagate codes are in it? How many swirls and triangles? I don't think any. pizza gate codes are in it how many swirls and triangles i don't think any i think the best part is uh uh emilio estevez just being an old dick now emilio's in it oh they're all in it everybody's in it except josh whatever is fuck is fulton in it yeah fulton's in it is goldberg goldberg's not because he was still recovering from being found in Toronto. But he's recovered now. So it sounds like he's coming back for the sequel.

Oh, thank God. Wait, they found him in Toronto? What do you mean? People were taking pictures and posting them online of like, he was like a burnout junkie on the street. He looked 65. I saw his meth mouth situation. Yeah.

He got attention and got better in like the last year and a half but I think they filmed this before quarantine are the bash bros in it he let a guy fail one of the bash bros is in it which one the one that looks like Chris Pierce yes yes

that one is the one Goldberg definitely let a guy bite his dick off for money 10 bucks whatever you want like i was like let me bite that dick off what was the annoying uh redheaded fro kid anyway he's back what about uh is jesse smallette back no because that was the movie that broke his brain yeah it's he yeah he is not in it yet but it sounds like there'll be more of them in it the next season remember when jesse jesse small let's he was the black kid in it and he was they played like uh roller hockey yeah his helmet is

just covered in pelopidic symbols what yeah check it out man like there's like the triangle that's like wrapping around itself and like the uh the the circle within the circle you guys know what i'm talking about no all right let me we don't know what the common what the most popular pedophile symbols are well Because you're not hanging out with the successful people that I am. Yeah. Jesus. Pedo symbols, mighty ducks. Pedosymbols.com.

Welcome back. Welcome back, Mr. Talent. But Jesse Smollett was kind of replaced by Kenan. I love Keenan. So I feel like we'll get Keenan in the knuckle puck at some point in the future series. That's what Emilio did to Jesse Smollett. He gave him the knuckle puck and he's never been the same.

Jesus Christ. I know, man. It sucks. You're the one who loves this show. I do love it. It also has the lady from Gilmore Girls as the main mom. Which one? The mom or the daughter?

Rory or? The mom. Whatever happened to Rory Gilmore? I don't know. God, she looked like a. She looked like if someone tried to make a porcelain doll of Christina Ricci. Like if some weird Japanese sex pervert had a kiln and a bunch of porcelain and was like, I want Wednesday every day of the week.

Out popped Rory Gilmore. She was in Sin City. That was pretty cool. Who? Rory? Yeah. Yeah. Dude, that was like the best movie I ever saw when it came out.

Yeah, it was a fun one. I think I saw that out in California visiting my old high school sweetheart that I wagged the dog with. Oh, cool. Did you guys do it during Sin City? No, we watched it. It was an opening night, full theater. Well, yeah, we had grown up. It's like, all right, we to uh to get tickets to this but i do remember it was a pretty pretty great uh film going experience god being in the theater

is uh one of those things that you don't miss until you do you know i've been in a theater all the time yeah you never stopped going yeah i, I was in there. I was all you could eat popcorn for about 11 months. Uh-huh. Yeah. I saw... The scavenger just kicking in a window and then going and watching something. Yeah, it was like a scene from Last of Us.

Emmy. What was the name of that movie about the girl who's like a reverse rapist? Damn. You're talking about Promising Young Woman? Promising Young Woman. Yeah, me and Emily saw that. In the theater?

That's right. Did you bang during it? No, after. Vengeance really gets us hard. I want to watch that one. I heard that was good. Yeah, it's great. We loved it. really gets us hard. I want to watch that one. I heard that was good. Yeah, it's great.

We loved it. I love empowered woman movies. Why are you giggling? I believe you. Oh, it just looked like you were swatting a fly or something that flew across your... It flew into your eye and made you wink a bunch. No, Creasy's over here trying to feed me hot dogs, so...

Put some celery salt on that dick. I'd love to have some celery salt. So, have we eaten anything today? No, but I'm thinking about it real hard now. What are you going to have? I don't know. I'm either gonna make some frozen pf changs or walk to habaneros i think you're probably gonna wind

up walking to habaneros what do you what have you been getting at habaneros do you have an order or do you switch it up they they got rid of my favorite thing like as soon as i fell in love with it what the gushers burrito no chile rio what's a chile r, Chilorio. What's a Chilorio? It's like a frozen ice cream concoction. It's like pulled pork. Covered in green chili. Yeah, no, it's pulled pork soaked in red sauce and then deep fried. Oh. And it was like the bomb.

We called that the Pope's toupee growing up. Okay, yeah. I think it's Senegalese. Yeah, yeah. That's where my people are from, Senegal. Okay. Lon, what are you going to eat? I ate a bunch of leftovers.

Yesterday, Megan made sweet potato black bean tacos, and I had a few of those. Trying to finish the damn leftovers, but I wasn't able to empty the damn Tupperware, so I had to go back in the fridge. I'll invite your friend Becker over to clean it up for you. Now there's just a little bit left. It's like an annoying amount that's

left now. And you couldn't eat it all. I had three, dude. Who cares? It's nothing. Three tacos? Get real. Big ones. With no meat in them? No. Sweet potato, black bean, onion, red chilies. Oh, cool.

Sounds good. What about you, Sam? What have you eaten today? Today I've eaten nothing except for this terrible cup of coffee. That cream is breaking your fast, isn't it? How many calories in that cream? It's breaking my fast. I broke fast at 230.

Big deal. Big whoop. I've got a plan. you know i that reminds me i saw i saw somebody that we know complaining about how unhealthy intermittent fasting is and their story was that they tried it and then didn't eat for five days and felt like shit and i was like that's not intermittent fasting that's taking it too far yeah like oh it sucked well i don't want to i don't want to blow up their spot blind item it oh you are uh doing a show with uh this person coming up oh yeah when uh i it's not gonna be a blind item much longer uh this is a multi-talented

they do it all they they're a writer, an artist, comedian, a storyteller. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A dancer. No. But yeah, it was just like very frustrating where it's like people are shitting on intermittent fasting as like pseudo health or whatever. Or like more destructive than healthy or something that can help people. And it was like, you did it wrong. Yeah, you just forgot to eat

because you're too busy painting your boyfriend nude. You don't do it for five days and then wonder why you feel like ass. Yeah, man. Yeah, once you've trained your body to run on a certain amount hey man take a bow bow man you know yeah good stuff why don't you uh bite your own dick off real quick

bring me the celery salt i'm committing suck duco yeah so do you get this out today becker uh yeah i'll get it out by tonight all right well i'll be a call to arms brewery tonight everyone right there in the heart of denver colorado come on out ask me any questions you want about intermittent fasting uh, do it right. Hey, that weekend that you're up here for joke. Chela. Good news. You can help us move. No. Are you kidding me? No, no, I'm kidding.

No, that is real. I'll bet. God, when do you move? Well, we're not sure.. No, that is real. I'll bet. God, when do you move? Well, we're not sure. We might move July 1st. We might move August 1st. OK, one's going to be up here accidentally on the second and third. The house two doors down from me, that's all made out of stone and beautiful is up for sale.

Oh, my God. Emily. Hey, guess what? Like your contract at the hospital let's move down to uh trinidad tell her to come you just took burritos off the menu emily says get fucked becker it's a four hour four hour commute come Come on. She's got an F for your family. And then she grabbed her penis. Her alleged penis. Yeah. Her guangas, if you will.

Her trunk. Her bongo. Guangas. What the fuck? Dude, this is over. We're going to the pool. Really? Oh, yeah, dude.

We got that pool. We're swim-swamming all the damn time. I'm over there alone while children are playing, sitting in the corner in the shade, looking real weird. What pool? There's a community pool for the complex? Yeah, there's a community pool like 100 yards from our house and i go over there by myself and i'll read and then every 15 at the top of the hour every for 15

minutes it's a built swim so i get in there and float around like a seal and then the kids hop back in and i try not to look at any of them which makes me look even more guilty yeah like you're right that that every minute is a struggle yeah like it's exposure therapy to be a good boy yeah i don't know what to do in there the youth pastor is trying to give you the tools to fight the good fight but uh losing battle either i'm like clapping like oh nice dive little ray ray or i'm like you, just like staring straight forward at the water. I don't know what to do.

My hands are always up like this. Friend. Friend. I'm a friend. Palms out. Don't shoot. I never would. I'm not whacking. I think... Listen, don't worry about me my dick got bit off long ago

don't worry about me you guys might remember me from that Dateline story on why Twin Peaks is dangerous hold on whoa I didn't know Tim Allen was here whoa it's Hold on. Whoa, I didn't know Tim Allen was here. Maynard the Toolman Keenan, or whatever his name is. Yeah, that's pretty good.

What's his name? Tim the Toolman Taylor. And what's Maynard's last name? Keenan. G. Krabs? Keenan, right? Keenan James Keenan Ivory Wayans. It's perfect. Maynard James Keenan Ivory Wayans.

Why didn't they ever team up? They could have had one real long name. I think it's because Maynard doesn't like black people. If I had to guess. Yeah, that's... Allegedly. Onima, where he says learned to swim a A bunch was kind of racially tinged. Oh, my God.

Lund, you're going to be the death of me. I'm trying to save you. I want you to be reborn in God's image. I want God. I want God to smile upon you like these. These youth pastors hanging out at breweries. What? Trolling for young lost souls for goth kids. They weren't youth pastors hanging out at breweries. What, trolling for young lost souls?

For goth kids? They weren't youth pastors. They were fully blown pastors. They were El Pastores. They let it marinate. Yeah, they had pineapple hats on. They spit up their ass. Were they married? To each other? No, they're pastors no i was not priest if they were no so one guy the black guy was there celebrating his 25th wedding anniversary with his best

busty latin lover uh and then they called in their friend from outside and he came in and he he was with his two deacons which i guessed i was like these deacons hate me and they were like yeah we are deacons come away to the land of the lord with us uh and they hated me come pray with us i think they were disappointed come pray with us toby the youth pastor yeah hell yeah he should pivot he should he's got he should start a cult of wayward teens. He tried with us. Well, yeah, we were a little too old to fall under his spell. But, you know, yeah, we always joke that he looked like Manson.

But why not? Why not make it real? You know, why not fulfill the prophecy? I mean, Toby's mouth does need prayer that's for sure he's got he's got a little man in his hole that's a devil trying to get out it's crazy man i'll have him send you a picture uh no thanks megan looks at gross medical shit i'm sure emily can show you whatever i don't i can't do it it's the only way she can get hard it haunts me i don't like seeing that shit it's too much like grew when i was

younger i was all about it faces of death was fake i know but like real shit on online but i don't well yeah you started bum fights that's right i was an early investor i was um i was providing liquor and skateboards to the homeless in las vegas and does becker know that yeah you you try to throw it in there every other episode you're like uh lund lund loves bum fights yeah i mean you i didn't know he was one of the i didn't know he was one of the creators yeah Yeah, Lund profited off the war on drugs and the war on the lower class with bum fights. You know that guy who went on Dr. Phil dressed as Dr. Phil?

Lund's roommate? No, I never got to meet that dude. There were like three guys and I lived with one of them for a while after they were done with it because they sold the name and then the ones that came out after that were done with it because they sold they sold the name and then the ones that came out after that were not they were like grosser they were weirder more exploitative oh you mean

the later films the lesser bum fights canon yeah the first when they lost their vision the first couple were guys that they met and hung out with and filmed because they didn't care like they didn't mind and then somebody else was like oh those are those are a name those are profitable and then they like made ones that were i don't know just shittier because they were just trying to make money putting those out and it was the uk it. Yeah. The UK version was cool because they just had a bunch of pantsless men trying to fight each other with their asses exposed. It was bum fights. And they would just go butt to butt attack mode.

That'd be a fun video. We could film for the Patreon. Just me and you, but fighting July 2nd and 3rd. Yeah. No hands, no feet, That'd be a fun video we could film for the Patreon. Just me and you butt fighting. July 2nd and 3rd. Yeah. No hands, no feet. Just our butts. Whoever can best the other one with their rump.

No problem. My butt would dominate yours. It's huge and strong. Yeah. Yours is crack for days and cheeks for weeks. Yeah. It's like a birthday party at Whitney and Bobby's house. I got nothing.

I got nothing back there. You are buttless. What do you got? What do your nose look like in the trunk? I got the Norwegian special. No ass, but a bunch of hair. I have a hairy ass, but a giant one, too. Well, see, then you could be like a Velcro attack.

Yeah. You could just attach and then suck the life force out of the opposing butthole rip yeah oh speaking of emily split her fucking pants on a boat are you allowed to say this on your armistice day where you have to be nice emmy can i speak on this she says oh hell yeah big dog she wouldn't speak that truth to power little mama uh yeah we she had this like really nice uh what was that thing called a romper jumpsuit that she bought in a boutique there right on jackson square new orleans and we went on a uh jazz cruise on the mighty Mississippi and about 40 minutes into it. There was just these three 15 year olds just following her wherever she went.

And then Sophie realized that her entire, just right on the crack was exposed. She split it. She ripped it and gripped it much like lawn during wag the dog. And she was exposed. So then she had to wear my mom's shawl like a little uh like a little waist cover and uh it was pretty exciting damn where else did she get followed around oh at the nude beach in oh god that was that was crazy making all those

kids hit puberty at once the 15 year olds just just follow behind her miguel how many ice cream cones do you need where were you beach m where they were following you around was that spain yeah that was in espana espana yeah and her and tessa were just uhof. Dumped. Dumped, man. But yeah, these kids were not playing it cool. They were like you at the pool. They didn't know what to do with their hands. Yeah.

Pretending to read, but the book's upside down. Yeah. They're reading it with the cover towards their face. It's open. Yeah, just yeah a big map but with two eye holes in the middle yeah i was playing i was playing it cool at the nude beach let me tell you yeah acting like an adult yeah i was there just like oh what a lovely day it is here wow such a beat look at those clouds they all look like uh non-sexual objects i like to play a game where i see how far i can look on the horizon just right out over the waves that's what i do

then every now and then some limp creasy would walk by and offer me a hot dog it's like oh it's it's wrapped in bacon just has skin cancer on his dong oh boy chili dog style you should probably get that snipped yeah uh well any plugs fellas got a show saturday down here with uh derrick Stroop and Kira McKaylin. Tickets available. Kira and Derek are a classic comedy duo. That makes sense. Well, you know, a little bit of everything.

You want quiet and cerebral and clever and off the wall? Hey, Kira M. You want loud and in your face? Also, Kira, do you want one long soliloquy uh in in the style of mark twain then hang around for derrick's troop uh what's up with these goddamn roads it's like what they're paved that's not what i'm from they're all dirt where i'm from you're all out here paving your roads okay the mayor good to see you clip clop clip clop that's a horse my mama was a dirt road my daddy was a bullfrog i'm derrick stroop uh it was gonna it was gonna hit on the pod people love stroop yeah hell yeah it

was gonna be uh kate strobel uh and derrick stroop so that you just get screamed at for an hour and a half but kate couldn't come and so that's why she dumped that guy wally wanted that's why she became a lesbian wally wanted uh wally suggested uh kira so we got kira coming down as we all know wally has great taste in comedy i like kira i'm just kidding i do like kira i think she's very funny but uh but maybe you still had to the bookings. You still had to get that out there. Well, no, I asked a bunch of people and they couldn't do it. I asked you.

I mean, that sounds like... There's so many great comics to choose from. And so, you know, we only had like a week and a half to put the show together. So I was like, let's get somebody down. Stop burping! This is me.

It's like someone's blowing a raspberry on the belly that's in my ear. Like I have a tummy in my ear and my uncle's over. Well, ladies and gentlemen, I am at Lira Wine Bar. I think it's called that. Liro? Laredo Wine Bar? I don't know. It's a wine bar in think it's called that lyro laredo wine bar i don't know it's a wine bar in fort

collins on friday uh and then i'm at the niche event center in boulder for two shows and boy is the venue not promoting at all so that's good while also demanding satisfaction yeah they're like oh we're gonna move the show back a month if we don't sell 100 tickets today and it's like oh cool so you guys bought any instagram ads or uh anything and they're like uh we're on linkedin we're on linkedin park yeah our uh linkedin park that one got me yeah hell yeah that would cut my rip right in half who wants to be the new chester bennington out on the road and also hey if we have any listeners in alaska i'm up there next weekend so that's insane hopefully i survive yeah what is that's not you're not doing the festival you're just doing uh shows i don't think they're are they having a festival that weekend no i don't know what what

weekend it is i didn't know if it was uh what is it called alaska before you die no it's like the 16th and 7th no the 18th and 19th i'm at chillicothe charlie's i think they wouldn't have me at that festival because i wasn't white enough spicy i'm kidding they're lovely people lun do you have one more burp to send us out. Also, hey, get on that Patreon, man. That Patreon, we're fucking shucking and jiving, losing control, fingering. It's crazy over there. Well, yeah, I know. Whoever complained, it's like, hey, sorry, comedy is back.

Sam has a problem. He has to get out there and do all the shows. And so it was tougher for us to get the free episode to it was tough for us to get two episodes a week but we had to be loyal to our patreon listeners so we have dedicated to the patreon episode and made that happen each week and then there were a couple free ones that we didn't get to so sue us bring us to court we have lawyers patreon episode is always a little bit more fun because we really go for it we dump them out yeah luns using hate speech we question authority yeah so

patreon.com slash chubby behemoth uh as always becker you want to take a start with a song