Chubby Behemoth - Slurp ‘Em

Episode Date: October 17, 2021

Keto Kuato. Tiny Tony & The Boys. Got Any Radio?   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

We thought maybe you pushed this to 3.30 because you're going to eat something cool, but you can't eat anything cool. You have to eat street fish or whatever. I would have killed for street fish after the bullshit. I drove 40 minutes total to eat. Whoa. I would have gladly eaten a pigeon with chimichurri sauce on it. What did you get? I drove to St. Louis or St. Charles, Minnesota to go to Blaze Pizza because I heard they had a keto crust.

And boy, as everyone is tired of me fucking saying I'm keto. All right. So as everyone knows, I'm brave and I'm tough and I'm resilient and I do what I'm going to say, God damn it. And that means driving to some shithole to get Blaze Pizza Keto Crust. And it was the idea of pizza. It was like if there was a stamp with a slice of pizza on it and I licked it, was the same situation as paying 22 and driving very far away to eat this blaze pizza so if you're wondering am i steamed yes uh is my cream curdled today yeah it is scalded as hell it is straight dulce de leche right now i am sitting on flan because this cream has

been in the burner too long all right yeah i did i did that i got you guessed it becker alfredo sauce on it and lon you're right arugula and bacon with some garlic doesn't alfredo sauce have flour in it uh not the one they have here i asked them i was like hi i'm a pillar of health and i'm trying to live forever will you please guide me in my pursuit and they said qua and i was like uh yeah i don't think they spoke english but i ate it and now here i am was it a whole furious and pissed what was it a whole pizza yeah it was an 11 inch pie 11 inches that's barely a pizza i mean that's a big deal for me that's the most pie i've had in four months you're all excited i was fucking stoked me and sophie have been talking out about it for 48 hours she told me they had

one she sent me the location she told me what to order and now here we are oh it's sophie's phone no sophie's trying to help sophie's the best of keto she's the keto queen the keto guido you know guido exists actually she's the quatto of keto. Yeah, exactly. She grows out of my stomach and tells me what has sugar and what doesn't. Go to Blaze Pizza. Go to Blaze Pizza. Quatto rules. That's right. Yeah.

Wait, so is it Blaze, like the word Blaze, or is it a guy named Blaze and he has possession of the pizza? I'm going to let you think about that for more than two seconds and answer yourself. Well, the way you were saying it. Is it the dumbest question I've ever been asked? Or is it the thing it definitely is? Go ahead. I don't know. A lot of places are possessive.

And then the quoi made me think maybe it's a French guy named Blay. Who gives a shit? Sure. Yeah, it's a man named Blay. Who gives a shit? Sure. Yeah, it's a man named Blay. And I went in there. Shut up. Is Blay here? Is this a Blay day?

And also, you want to hear this? This was the second Blay's location I went to today, because the first one I went to was closed. Oh, shit. Yeah. Double pissed. Yeah, dude, I'm pissed. I had a great morning there at TC tcf stadium a great fucking stadium

to watch a goddamn american football game and uh your nebraska corn hustlers lost to my minnesota golden gophers which is cool because i had the gophers who were the home dogs money line parlayed with the over and in garbage time the huskers put up seven with 30 seconds left in the game. And brother, let's just say the tickets are paid for. That's great. Yeah, it was fun. Nice job, Gophers. Oh, and I heard a Ric Flair woo after that sack.

Oh, they were Ric Flair-ing all the time. The lady behind me, I wanted to put in a trash bag. I wanted her to be alive, too. I wanted to put put in a trash bag i wanted her to be alive too i wanted to put her in the trash bag and just watch this the bag i wanted to watch the bag uh quit struggling slowly you know as she ran out of air jesus what was she doing just screaming let's get the ball babies that's what she would say whenever the gophers were on defense. Get the ball, babies! Who are the ball babies? Are the ball babies here?

Is this a thing I don't know about because I'm a foreigner? I went in wearing Texas, University of Texas colors. I had a full sweatsuit on, so I looked insane. Yeah, why? Why would you put that on? No one knew what to do with me because I wanted to be in the middle, you know? I didn't want to pick sides. Yeah, I wanted to be a neutral color oh boy so i went with uh pakistani diarrhea brown baby diaper orange uh-huh the whole time i was sitting there i was like what a great ball game what a beautiful stadium what a perfect day and after this i'm gonna eat pizza for the first time because i'm in control of my life for once in these four fucking years it seems weird that the where you were wouldn't have because like college town

usually has a lot of different options for things to eat yeah i know but sophie like as soon as she found out i was going to minnesota was like breaking news. Sam Blaze Pizza. This is for you. Eat it for me. And also she lost her wedding ring today for like an hour. So she was fucking spazzing. And I kept being like, I know this is bad for you, Sophie, but do you think I can get the marinara? You know, I can't find the carbohydrates online.

Oh, you it was mom's wedding ring and you lost it? Oh, bummer. Can I have red onion? I can't remember if it's red onion or white onion. So that was me. Is it red onion or is it white onion? You can have red onion, Becker. You can have white onion too, but red onion's better.

Yeah, red onion's the best onion. I think that's why it's spicier because it has less sugar. Love red onion's better yeah red onion's the best onion i think that's why it's spicier because it has less sugar love red onion can't get enough big hit at the salad bar red onion and kidney beans i'm really excited for you to uh you know transform your body for what three months and then just have it all go back to looking like shit yeah like in 2019 when i made that fucking bet and didn't win so not only didn't i lose 100 pounds i also lost six grand so that was fun because you doubled down you're like i did when the year when the year went by i was they were like you can buy six months for this amount of money and i was like i can do it in 18 months and then just completely gave up it was my biggest l ever dude most shameful sam t moment right there yeah and i mean and that includes me coming in my pants all the

time jerking off while driving uh you know throwing up on your own dick, throwing up a dick that I swallowed. Yeah, no, I've done a lot of bad stuff, but me paying six grand to not lose enough weight, that was great. Because then you get to feel like a loser twice. And also I cheated. I drank like eight gallons of water before I weighed in, which was, you know, who knows, 10, 20 pounds.

So I gave myself a buffer. I cheated the system. And then still couldn't do it. Biffed it. Biffed it so hard. I lost like 60 pounds. I only had to do 40 more. And then we went to France or something.

I can't remember. But that was the end for me, Cuado. Drink a bunch of water so that you weigh more. If I would have dropped one Cuado, I would have been fine, but I couldn't.

Cuado's in anti-abortion ads in Texas. I'm Cuado. I can already try to change the world and I'm not even born. I'm Cuado. I can already try to change the world. And I'm not even born. I'm Guado. I had a heartbeat at 18 days. I have teeth and hair.

So yeah, I've had a good one and then I've had a bad one. And now I don't know what this is yet. I'm here with you guys. So it can go either way. This is good. I am ready to, you know, suicide by cop for sure. Because I've had like more than two things to do every day for the last week. And I'm just like furious and crying. I like want to cry and then jerk off and then uh eat a cop's gun you know or make him

kill me just be like just do it i know you want to sure you have a fucking reason in the back of your head to pull that trigger uh just point the gun at me instead of your wife and uh god yeah i put it in my mouth for once instead of that horror you pay uh yeah it's been fucking i had to go sit at that 9-11 exhibit i'm over that how are you still involved in that you've been complaining about that it's a thing until november 20th it's up for three months for some reason even though it should have been up for three days it should have been 9-11 weekend hey big blowout mattress come down buy a mattress look at these firefighters yeah little caesars is half off focus on you know 343 mostly racist white guys who died 20 years ago instead of all of the kids that die every day because they don't have access to clean food or water uh because of us because we're starving

out nations in order to make them grow bananas for us year round or whatever the fuck my god someone that's funny it's funny when you say funny stuff because then someone's gonna call you gay someone online's gonna be like oh lun doesn't like 9-11. He sucks. Yeah. Some fucking asshat. Yeah. Lund cares about kids instead of the brave men and men because they don't allow women New York firefighters. Yeah.

Yeah. Anyway, it's been very annoying that it's this fucking thing where it's like, oh yeah, we need volunteers. And then there's just like, there's so many people here who have jack shit to do, but then they can't sign up to volunteer

to just sit there, so I have to do it. You complaining about this 9-11 exhibit is my 9-11. It's worse. It's worse than jumping out of a flaming building and landing on a firefighter. Like a coward.

Yeah, just choke to death up there in the sky instead of having to take a leap, you parachuteless freak. Start letting your friends bang you in the hole. You shootless freak. I always think about that on planes. If it were going down and then somebody was down

to fuck and you just bang, I don't think i could get hard because of the circumstances because of the i'm never harder than when i'm scared for my life well that's what i was gonna say or would i be as hard as a diamond yeah the fear would just go just flood my nuts and dick with blood i mean when i'm not scared i have a hard time getting hard but when i'm like fearful like if there's thunder and lightning i'm like a dog i'm not scared i have a hard time getting hard but when i'm like fearful like if there's thunder and lightning i'm like a dog i'm under the couch just humping away uh but yeah and then um the spaghetti and westerns festival was last night and tonight

and that's been you know whatever a real mixed bag of emotions from uh boredom to fury and anger to this sucks to god this honks so i didn't miss anything last night huh well i mean so i knew it was gonna be i knew it last night was gonna be because a few months back wally asked me and caleb sign in and Christy Bukley to do like a preview show. You know, hey, it's three months away from this festival. Let's give the people what they don't want and have a show in the vein of Mystery Science Theater 3000 to promote this thing that they're going to forget about in a week. thing that they're going to forget about in a week and so yeah they're months back we did live commentary over a bad western it was some midget movie we talked about it no no it

was gonna be a little person movie uh midget mayhem starring tiny tiny tony and the boys but i was like i was like hey guess what wally we can't make fun of little people for an hour yeah and that's all we would we would just be biting our tongues the whole time bleeding on the mics eucaly would have got drunk and been like yeah i'd fuck all of them i'd pull a tiny tony train i don't care where's that train ride eat some spaghetti out of my pussy yeah we uh when we did that one people thought that they should also like yell shit out you know it wasn't enough to have three people trying to talk during the movie why wouldn't the crowd also participate and so last night last night was more of that it was a couple guys that are actually

funny these two guys named bill are both pretty funny but they also said the same shit a bunch of times it's like all right you can't just keep you know it was white comanche which stars william shatner as a white guy and his uh half comanche brother he does both roles yeah yeah and it's funny because he's like you know such a specific kind of actor you know he said he has the weird pauses as he's talking and he kind of already talks like a native american oh rain falls hard on the plane yeah no so and it was you know it was like poorly shot and uh the the pacing was weird so there's you know a lot to make fun of but then the bills lean too hard on star trek stuff you know they're like oh vulcan death grip every time there was a fight and then uh they're in the crowd yelling this shit out yeah they're in the crowd they're they're they're trying to get their laps

in and it's like all right there's already three of us that are going to try and be funny god damn it and but they were at least like sometimes funny they come into the bar and i i i like them both but then there were these other people that would just this woman we both had women sitting behind us crap we wanted to uh snuff out yeah because this woman you know was pretty drunk and just would just say literally the first thing that she could think of when somebody came on screen as if there was a gun to her head and they were like you better outperform these comedians uh sun's rising uh hey bitch you know just be just constantly the most base reaction you could have to something on screen like hey what's up asshole and it's like that's nothing you didn't do that's that doesn't count

it was just this idea that there's like quantity over quality and it's like hey if we could hear the movie for a couple seconds we would probably come up with something pretty good and start running you know and start going with it but instead every time we were quiet i just be like i'm gonna fuck my horse that's not enough and then one time she said something about like that's the gayest shit i've ever seen and it was like all right now you're now you're going into edgelord territory yeah now you're doing caleb's bit you can't just rely on something looking gay from an old movie oh hey that guy's gay that worked in high school you know for i mean i'm not in high school you know it's still you love it it still hits with me yeah if i heard a woman

say that guy's gay or whatever i would have laughed so hard no it was dumb yes that's what i would have laughed oh and then uh when the movie was like almost over it had been going on and on a new voice in the darkness yelled out this movie sucks and it was like oh my god you've just been sitting like waiting to pull the trigger on this movie sucks during a bad movie. Oh, yeah. Like, oh, he finally said it. Yeah. He's saying what I'm thinking.

Well, he said it. William Shatner said it a couple of times. But yeah, it was, you know, it was it was fun to hang out with Alison Rose and Ben Roy. We had a good time. But it's also just like, God, people are the worst. I hate people. Wasn't Cam Omelette down there as well? Cam and Misho came down for a few days to celebrate Janelle's birthday.

They came into the bar. I got to see them for like an hour. And then I didn't see them again because they didn't come into the bar Wednesday. And so, yeah, it was just a quick little hello. Hey, and I told them how I peed in their backyard. They were like, cool. Misha said she took a dump back there once. I was like, whoa, what?

Yeah. She said she shit in their little pool. The girl did. The girl. Yeah, that's what i just said her name twice you psycho i'm sorry this is uh you have to carry the chode on this one london one yeah she's gay and she pooped they bring that lady from the movie back to headline the next bicycle festival you loved her at white comanche now see her again while he was probably watching that and being like all right some homegrown talent cool she

gets some heat yeah yeah she's like hey do you want to do my festival next year hey i'm wally wallace uh what are you doing next march 17th he uh so today i went and got jordan and uh nicole and allison from raton they were they went down there on the train and then needed a ride back that's jordan doll nicole conlon and allison rose that must have been an awkward car ride for jordan that was great well because he slept with all three of us no everybody knows he's always rock hard he's always he's always scared and hard crazy he can get hard after how much he drank yeah is that his thing you think he just got sober and now he is hard all the time harder than sharpie is what i've heard. But how about I talk instead of you making Jordan bang all of us?

I'm sorry. I'm just trying to punch up this great story. Yeah, you're also watching college football. No, I'm not. You have more money on a game and you're like, oh, daddy. Daddy needs more. Yeah, you're looking up. You're watching TV.

I get lost in your eyes yeah all right it's distracting to look at you so he's eight there were there were 12 people at 12 little india at the show last night okay and jordan and jordan and nicole uh and jay gillespie made fun of uh white comanche and raton and afterwards uh you know 12 people probably shouldn't have done the show meanwhile we had like we had like 60 but the website said that it was sold out so there's all this fucking dumb confusion some people probably didn't come that would have come uh these two older folks went drove to raton and they're like we don't do well at night but we wanted to see white comanche so we went to raton because main street live was sold out i was like we don't do well at night but we wanted to see wikimanshi so we went to raton

because main street live was sold out i was like it wasn't sold out it was our first date so we just wanted to relive that yeah but uh uh jordan said that wally came up to him was like next thing i'm thinking is stir fry and sci-fi and jordan jordan said he wanted to just push Wally's eyes into his brain you know no more festivals where you combine two fucking things just focus on something they didn't even have spaghetti

at the festival they did yeah no spaghetti okay last I heard there was no spaghetti on the docket who told you that who your sources and trying to know that yeah that online thing we read on that episode uh there was a 30 ticket to go to the spaghetti tasting oh yeah spaghetti tasting uh-huh yeah you had to be blindfolded and then people shoved spaghetti into your mouth and you had to guess

whether it was al dente or overcooked. Yeah, one bowl was just worms. Or cold. Is this hot or cold spaghetti? Open your mouth. This is clearly Angel here. I want my money back. Meanwhile, Wally's in a hot air

balloon riding across the Mexican border. He's completely nude except for a top hat and a shirt. It says Sky Mayor. Cloud Governor. Spaghetti King. You fools. I made off with $370. I'm the spaghetti princess.

Yeah. I mean, he has to be claiming these things as massive losses so his taxes work i have to be his plan the idea is to have fun like there were there's already some fun festivals like music or the art car museum which is great they do a parade and it's like hey check out the art cars and then wally's like how about 10 more festivals where we make you do stuff that you don't want to do and it's like maybe do something where it's one event that happens for uh one evening and then you make it good hey you guys hated the 9-11 exhibit we'll wait for next year when the rape of nan king museum debuts we've got firefighters and frankfurters come hear stories of how brave heroes lost their lives trying to save some people's possessions and or pets and while you're doing that shove a few hot dogs in your hole uh we'll have mustards from

around the world and by that i mean we'll have whatever safeway has day of uh two types of yellow mustard and then something with some horse horseradish in it and uh yeah the website will say that it'll start at one time it'll start at another time and also we just announced it and it's sold out on the website so congratulations to us it's sold out but come on down and try to sneak in the window come down and meet local celebrities like becker becker dressed like ted danson yeah becker you gotta start going by one name dude like share i mean it is with most people just becker i know it's just funny to

think of you like on a flyer crossing your arms you know becker's gonna be there dude that people are always asking about becker uh and i don't know what to tell them you know it's uh i they love you out there becker also last night some minnesotans told me that our accents were dog shit so that's oh yeah my friend katie said that too and to that i say uh don't you know i don't give a shit you sound like a fucking weird mix of like snow clown and half brain and nobody cares how you talk you talk slow and low imagine that excellence behind you yelling get the ball baby get the ball baby don't you know and also for some reason their chant is ski yuma that's what they all chant and it like supposed to make sense

yeah i don't know i was sitting next to a bunch of Nebraska fans and they kept being like god these people are fucking backwards retards and I was like well you know who knows yeah I'm just rooting for points I'm rooting for over 48 points today they got arts of gold and a whole bunch of pasta and bread in their tummies

we're all tanked on grain belt they played at halftime they did an ode to uh to like 90s kids or whatever so they did uh they played the pokemon theme song and i this guy was like what the h is this crud that's what he said and i like looked around to see if you know candid camera was happening because he's an adult. What the H is this crud? And everyone's like, it's a video game there, Bill. He's like, hey, it's a Japanese poker.

It's a pocket monster. Well, I got one of those right here. You want to see it? I'm playing with my pocket monster right now that's why i can't pick up my kids from the school anymore they busted me one too many times out there and teacher pickup so then that's that happened and then the next song so he's fuming and the next song comes on and it's the marching band playing all the small things and he's like now that's the ticket now we're talking he so he went from

hating pokemon to all the small things really hitting the spot that was fun to behold uh i gotta say no one was dumping them didn't have any dumpers today come on was it yeah was it negative 10 or what uh my dick was it was negative 10 inches in my body because there was nothing to look at nothing to ogle no way to be perverse uh and lewd and crude and have a bad attitude um it was you know there's a lot of gray sweaters and then they wear the overalls with the uh the maroon and gold stripes so there wasn't much to peep my dad and my uncle tom would have been furious i haven't been this soft since your wife's funeral day your gopher stayed in its hole oh yeah uh-huh no one was building any dams wait that's beavers i did it on purpose so i could make the noise set yourself up set up my own dumb ass uh when are you done

with minnesota i'll never be done with this place it has a part of me no i get home tomorrow at 8 47 a.m oh good eager to gamble on football this summer sam talent risks it all for one big parlay they'll save the water tower also uh apparently rochester minnesota someone told me this last night they uh they won like some like water tank contest they got second place so the headline said number two in the water tank that's pretty fun and that yeah and then everybody just says that every time somebody new come hey get a load of this this is from 90 97 and someone's shitting your aquifer that sucks like no that's the joke but no we actually have a prize water tank what's this crud doing in my water tank hey what's all this what what the f is this crud doing

and like when he said it people were like we're like whoa chill out bill easy last time he heard this song he hit his wife you need to chill out there the whole time i'm just thinking i can't wait to eat a great pizza yeah oh here we come here we go with a real nice pizza pie my parlay hit time for pizza i kept the rental car an extra day 130 dollars so that i could go get this fucking pizza damn i know nobody wanted to drive you out there huh i don't want to go with anyone keto is my secret yeah i i know about it you know about it and then the thousands of people who listen to this podcast know about it as well but other than that it's on the down low yeah it's yeah you're not announcing it yeah especially

in minnesota keto huh oh boy oh what's that is that like a kolache Is that in a pita bucket? Pita bucket. I don't know why. I used to do a really good Minnesota accent, but now I've lost it. I think I can do the impression. I'm Minnesota. What the H is this crud? Hey, what's this crud doing in my H?

Yeah, I got skank in my skank i'd rather get some skag in a skank if you know what i mean beautiful bean footage there's a commercial on right now where there's a starbucks ad and i told you guy at the counter is talking sign language to a little chinese girl and he just bowed that's funny over did it that one's for my mom what do you got there a coke you got a coke there it's a coke zero don't you know oh coke zero it's so fucking good this is the closest i get to happiness now that i'm on this stupid diet coca-cola whacked a couple times since i've

been here no big deal nbd just milking my gland who are you looking up uh i was just thinking about fun times oh your memory the memorial nights mind cranking yeah remember that when she had him then she let me adam she had him but you let me adam nice no i was thinking about a friend of ours oh sick adam's sister uh you are definitely on one i'm not on one at all zero pizza you think you're never gonna die huh i'm having a sleepover over here man it's an eighth grade birthday party uh i'm kidding of course i looked at pornography now we're talking yeah now we're getting to the bottom of it that's what the porno was called

getting to the bottom of it putting it in putting it in coach i'm ready to come uh mike lester opened for me last night and i said this fun thing because he's a big skinny guy and i was like hey mike lester we got a timon and pumbaa thing going on huh it means no worries people think that mike's gay and that was fun that hit pretty hard i'll bet yeah he's not laughing at that stuff up there huh yeah people doing that parody song this is weird al's like the king up here oh yeah polka polka don't you know that's their culture i don't even know accordions and not swearing that's what we do up here and uh layers we got a lot of layers here not to our personalities mind you but to the clothes that we wear a lot of layers there's an h load of crud in my accordion i ended up with an h load of crud

in my overalls because i couldn't get them off in time. Excuse me. There's an H load of C in my O's. I know there's some kids listening now. Becker's going outside for another cig. Becker Becker cam. We should have Becker cam like one of those cams where they have like the

baby like bald eagle in his nest. It's just Becker 24-7. Carlos just got here because I thought we were recording at like two something. Carlos? Carlos?

Oh, he's a real carload. Hey man, it's me, Carlos, dude. That wasn't bad. I know, it's accurate. Yeah, this is not a funch's situation this is you nailing it instead of blowing it well carlos is one of my own listen to this this pantload came into better angels today to the 9-11 thing and we're talking and she's like yeah i gotta quit smoking you know i was i was smoking 60 cigarettes a day and she's like, yeah, I got to quit smoking. I was smoking 60 cigarettes a day.

And I was like, all right, three packs. That's almost impossible. And now I'm down to 12. And I was like, oh, yeah, that's great. And she was like, well, yeah, some days I'm just doing three or four. And I'm like, hey, that's great. I'm not worried about that. But then other days I'll hit 12 and I'm like, I got to stop at 12. And I was like, well, yeah, that's great i'm not worried about that but then other days you know i'll

hit 12 and i'm like i gotta stop at 12 and i was like well yeah that's that's gonna help meanwhile she's already dead you know what i mean it's like what are you what are you preserving so you can have more dominoes uh three that is something to live for three packs is so fucking funny to me becker you ever hit three you psychopath becker's gone becker's gone man do i ever hit three what i think packs of smokes in a day you ever smoke oh yes oh jesus becker god yeah well no but to be fair only when i was doing heroin and making all of my money by selling drugs never when i had like a job or a life how do you have enough energy to smoke 60 cigs when you're nodding out on h

it makes the h high come back whoa interesting it's like the opposite of what coke does to liquor huh yeah so you'd be like coming down a little bit and be able to achieve like three cigarettes real fast chain smoking. Then all of a sudden go right back to like nodding right the fuck back off. Damn. Did you ever like synchronize your nod outs with like a cool song? Like you put on like Sabbath, you know? So it's just like. Looks like a bunch of dope headpants.

Yeah. You're like, Mom, I can only eat dinner if we listen to sabbath bloody sabbath all right no never did that i would have loved to catch you nodding i would have done all types of stuff to your prone body i mean i was i was good at staying awake yeah right i would have made you wear my balls like a hat. No, if you were there, I would have had you all high on H2. I would not have aged out, dude. I was a student athlete. I respected my body. Okay. Is this the public one? Is this why this is the line we're going with?

I wasn't doing H in high school. Oh, it was after high school? I tried it once. I snorted it twice. It ruled. I didn't go back to the well. It was the coolest. Big deal. Who cares? I couldn't find anymore. You were eating at Pizza H. Yeah, Pizza H. Don't you know?

I got crud in my H. They think that he's talking about hell, but he's actually talking about scoring some fucking sweet, sweet lady white. Do you guys have any black tard? That's not what it's called. Officer. Oh, H.

Yeah, we got that. He thinks it's called black tard he just calls it radio he's like y'all got any radio he's trying to be cool this is a cop you said he made a cop he's a cop yeah minnesota highway patrol he's like i'm deep under the covers over here i'm so cozy if you know what i mean wish you could do that on stage nice take it to the stage now i did take chode bearing balls and a fan yelled out chode-bearing balls so I couldn't even do the punchline. What?

Yeah, I went to set it up. I was like, I got these load-bearing walls and then as I was saying, and right here I got chode and then someone in the crowd, chode-bearing balls! And I was like, oh good. What, they went to both shows? No, this was last night. There was only one show last night.

I thought you, when we talked talked last you did it and everybody loved it and that no i did it on stage in rochester on thursday and it ruled everyone said that's the future of spoken word oh you're saying when we talked for the patreon episode you were going to do it no i did it after the show thursday what does time escape you we recorded thursday yeah dude thursday night remember the feeling was right i don't remember shit man it's been a blur i it's been less than 48 hours hate my life yeah because you had to go sit in a museum for a couple hours it's not a museum it's just paintings of white guys that died 20 years ago okay where is it set up uh an office would you like it more black guys died instead fuck yeah that'd be sick what oh no no I'm just saying

they're all white guys for sure. They're like some Italians, but mostly white. Yeah, you got Guido Stapelopoulos. You got a couple of Greek bastards. Marky Gabagubo. Some Greek guys just hoping that no one finds out.

Mostly some Irish pricks. Yeah. Who was that guy? Steve Buscemi. Pete Davidson's dad is up there. Yeah. Real wacky character. Steve Ranazzisi snuck in. Yeah, the artist painted

Steve Ranazzisi. Yeah. He's up there. 344 brave men lost their lives including the league actor Steve Radaziz yeah and it's funny because his co-star helped fund it what?

Jewish guy? Paul Scheer? no the guy whose dad is all rich oh Soros Nick Soros Nick Soros Kroll Nick Kroll whose dad is all rich oh soros nick nick soros a nick soros crawl nick crawl yeah he's like oh yeah you were there ran as easy right on time who else died in 9-11 the cookie monster amy schumer's uncle yep uh all these rich fucking assholes yeah i got a show mrs swan from mad tv

i got a show through my hard work and talent and also my dad ran lockheed martin for 10 years everything's the worst it's okay man that's why we gotta just keep it local you know you got can't wait you got your spaghetti festival down there that's gonna that's a ticket out of there that place you moved to on purpose that's your way out i am down here to disappear and people keep being like hey lun you want to do something it's like no i moved away leave me alone i was speaking of do you want to open for me at comedy works october 29th? No. Well, you're going to come up already for the 30th. It's the day before Stick or Treat.

No, the 29th I've got Dave Lossow at Mutiny. Oh, that's a much better booking. It's not about better. It's about what's on the books. I don't just cancel you whore. You don't have to cancel. You can just reschedule. Tell Lossow to come back. No, I'm doing these three

shows uh next weekend and the weekend after and then i'm not gonna book shows down here for a year or two i'm over it yeah i'm over it well yeah that's why you should cancel that last one and just come up here and see me hey everyone by the way i'm headlining comedy works october 29th why don't you come out to it, you fucking dickless creeps? The South Club or downtown? Yeah, the South Club. Everybody loves the South Club. The good one, they call it.

Hey, man. I just say yes, okay? Yeah, good call. Thank you. What else happened last night? Anything else cool? SLFM opened for me. No way.

Yeah, she does stand-up now. No. Yeah, she does stand-up now. No. Yeah, she does stand-up. She did five minutes. It was funny. Does she live there? Yeah, she lives here. Minnesota?

Do you want me to get you her number? I know. I didn't know if she was passing through. She used to be a train-hopping hobo just filling her butthole with skank and then trying to sneak it into Manitoba. I don't think she ever did skank i don't think that 100 pound slfm ever did heroin i started to drink two whiskeys once and i thought i had to fucking scrape her off the ground what what does that

stand for i can't remember a secret love of mustache secret love for mustache it doesn't even make sense it doesn't make sense but it's okay because it was a different time when you could just play thrash ukulele and a giant behemoth would fall in love with you and send you a joke every day yeah how'd you guys meet we met at a house party here in Denver Colorado where I am where neither of us are good old HQ hey hey is carlos with becker carlos hey lostog viva that's what they say yeah and then that's it hey lostog tortuga yeah fuck yeah that means turtle. Allegedly. Did you know that? Did you know that Tortuga means turtle? Carlos knew.

I have to switch which one's doing audio for it to not have a weird feedback. Okay, well I just want everyone to know that Carlos talking counts for us having a minority guest. So you can quit. Take that petition down.

Now, you guys don't know this, but Carlos there, he's done more for Denver comedy than Will Hancock could ever dream of. That's such a specific burn that no one cares about. Look, we're Petering out, okay? It's been a specific burn that no one cares about look we're petering out okay it's been a long day for me lund is begging for death uh becker has a friend over super stoked yeah gonna die maybe tonight going to raton that past can get treacherous i hope you don't die because that's what you want i hope no one gets what they want. Yeah, I hope you, the next time you look for a keto pizza,

you just keep looking. After like a year, you're like, what the fuck? Why haven't I found anything? And then you realize, oh, this is hell. I'm in hell, and I will always just be searching for a keto pizza that i can never uh actually eat dude i'm the king of hell that's the thing is i reign i live in hell because it's where i want to be it's where i sublet also yesterday i went and had pho ordered no noodles brought my own noodles plopped them in there how's that for a fucking minute people made fun of me for bringing my own bread

i got packed some miracle noodles in my backpack wherever i go just in case the i can find some pho broth yeah yeah i walked in there and the guy you know was like no noodles huh and i was like i'm not paying you to talk pretty boy i'm paying you to watch me slurp all right i had a fucking bag of noodles in my pocket and just cracked them dumped them slurped them and uh it was a nice afternoon how long did you have to like tell them to boil the fuss so that they could cook the noodles or what no these noodles come limp no they don't yeah they do they're ready to go out of the packet oh my god you're such a liar liar stupid hold on god damn it can you hear me again yeah look right here baby these are them look at me squishing them

and squeezing them uh squish noodles yeah they're good they're like play-doh god i hope tsa takes those away from you on the way back yeah i hope they strip search me because I'm trying to be healthy. Spread them. Where else you got ready-to-go noodles made out of? You got another limp noodle down here. You couldn't feed a family with this one. Yeah, I hope they put your dick in a bunch of scalding hot pho broth.

That would be awesome. Are you kidding? I've dipped my dick in milk a couple times i'd love to dip it in other liquids to cool it off no because i was cutting jalapenos and i accidentally touched my tip and then emily came home and i was standing in the kitchen with my dick in a saucer had fucking milk in there that's a classic sam t story you never heard that emily tells it every christmas it's great around. We still have things to learn about each other. I like that.

Oh, yeah, dude. Multiple times, Emily's had to... I've been in the shower just screaming, and she's had to go grab me a saucer with milk in it. One time, she brought me a shot glass, and she was like, this is funny, right? And I was like, it hurts. Please help me.

It's not time to zing me, okay? And then one time, she brought me almond milk i mean it's happening it happened like three times when i lived in las vegas because i've eaten a lot of jalapeno and you always would forget to wash your hands before touching your dick well usually it's like uh which is bigger this or or this? So I pick up the jalapeno and do a little side-by-side comparison. Yeah, I don't know, dude. I'm real hands-on in the kitchen, I guess. I'm always fucking honking my meat. I don't know.

It was bad news, and it hurts really bad. If anyone out there really wants to try it out, I suggest it because it's a rush. Oh, what a rush. it out i suggest it because it's a rush oh what a rush that is uh well it's an early button your dick is a button and cute as hell cute as a button but also the thing is it's not a button it's a totally fine utilitarian dick there's also four holes in it and a bunch of string yeah it looks like a looks like a recorder what you know like a recorder like the plastic instrument you had to play in middle school oh you didn't have it

because you went to school in 1953 and there was a plastic embargo the thing that doesn't look like a button at all doesn't have any string i gotcha you said it had four holes in it and string maybe slide whistle would have been better for your fucking tarred brain you piece of literal shit look you are just another bad pizza to me today i've had nothing but fucking trouble and kerfuffle from you and i'm over it this is what i hope what do you hope your keto for the next year and a half right you lose 90 pounds you look great you feel good you're not sweating you don't stink and just as you're gonna fucking do kimmel or whatever the fuck oh good yeah i hope my career takes a major step backwards if i do kimmel

late night you finally uh late night this is what it was all about this one's for dave t you just have a fucking heart failure because you didn't uh get enough nutrients just drop dead right as they're calling your name hey here's sam talent and then the curtains open and nobody's there just a spotlight on a blank void, and then your crumpled mass is right below. The spotlight has to pan down, and then there you are. Oh, he's so svelte. You don't get to really enjoy it at all.

All the hard work of being keto doesn't actually pay off because nobody sees you in that form. All the pictures they use in memoriam, you're pre-keto, so you're fat as hell. Be like, you never did any of it. Just what a waste. What a waste of a diet. Oh, man, I'm crying.

And meanwhile, I'm eating white castle sliders over your grave crying and laughing people think i've lost it and it's like well maybe i have i'm in a tree i turned into the joker because of your death yeah oh man that's that's just good old-fashioned fun i mean that would be that'd be the most viral clip ever comedian dies that'd be huge be better than bori's fucking fake whoopsie on conan what oh i walked too far wink oh hey we're gonna be on america's funniest summer videos maybe oh dude i know i mean if i survive i don't have massive heart failure after i do something good for myself oh hell yeah if

your dream doesn't come true every time in a hotel room i'm just like well this is where i'm gonna die and they're not gonna find me for a couple days so that'll be good no one knows what hotel i'm at do a wake-up call. Emily's just calling around. Do a wake-up call. Yeah, because that works when you're dead. No, I'm saying then they would at least check on you if you don't answer the wake-up call. They don't come to the door for a wake-up call.

They ring you. If you don't answer because you're dead, then they would be like, oh, he's not answering the wake-up call, and I think they would follow up. No, dude. When's the last time you've been to a hotel? I don't go to hotels.

I sleep in my car. Yeah. Not because you're deranged i would uh i would love to be on america's funniest home videos and finally be a tv credit that would help me in middle america you know are you shit about viceland but if i got afv on there, I'm going to be selling tickets all over Springfield, Missouri. That would be funny if we used it as a credit, even though we have nothing to do with the funny part of the video. Oh, I would use it as a credit for sure. I would say I was former host of AFV.

What's his name? Carlton. Who? Carlton. what's his name carlton who carlton alfonso riviero yeah alfonso rivera hosted now uh i didn't know that i thought it was that other guy tom cotter or something what you didn't know that when's the last time you watched afv i don't watch it i I watched it last night. I listen to AFE, All Fantasy Everything. Oh, yeah. I do the other one because I wanted to have a laugh. That's why I watch AFV.

The last AFE was really funny. They drafted types of crud that you get your H in. And I was like, how the hell did they do this? We haven't even said that yet how do i know we're going to say that it's uh it's funny up here last night it was like show me behemoth fans sam t fans and then there's a crossover of afe fans and matt and shane fans and it's such a they

shouldn't be in the same room because you know you got the good time gang. That's what the AFE fans call themselves because their dicks don't work. I don't know. The good time gang, really. The good vibes squad. That fucking childish bullshit. What is it, Carlos? Carlos, what's it called? Oh, Becker has to unmute.

Alright, Carlos, what's it called? I don't remember. Ah, right good work carlos you're you're wearing their shirt uh he's wearing ari shafir's shirt oh and that's what the legion of skanks yeah yeah he was the he was the president of that organization, correct? You have an LOS tattoo, Carlos? You have an LOS tattoo, he said? Yeah. You have a Legion of Skanks tattoo.

Yeah. Whoa. I got it at Skank Fest in New York. Just when you think you know somebody. Yeah, I was there. They got Skank Gang. You see that fucking guy who tattooed himself with my initials in trinidad no oh my god he tried to home gun himself it looks a lot carlos that tattoo looks good this guy looks like becker's arms did back in middle school well what are you going to say about your fans are laughing at all the

wrong parts of the jokes? No, no. It's just like I like AFV fans. They're very nice and they're sweet to me. And I also like Matt and Shane fans. They're very nice and they're sweet to me. But Matt and Shane fans just want to bully the AFV fans. And you can see it in the room because they're always just like,

what? You know, doing that thing where you try to make someone flinch. Get out of here, dork. always just like what you know doing that thing where you try and make someone flinch get out of here dork a new level they're doing that they're just singing pantera oh no who's having heart failure now pig i'm choking on my own spit you didn't even do anything to get healthy and look at you dying alone in your trailer in trinidad i'll live forever yeah right your dogs are going to eat your eyes first finally something nice you did for george michael besides keep your thumb warm inside of his body you dog fucking creep i'm tired of keeping the secrets that i know about you oh yeah yeah that i'm the nice one but you get all the fucking accolades oh you're the nice one?

that'd be awful if that came out you're not the nice one you're the mean one no you suck and then you're lauded as an everyman with a heart of gold and then I get nothing I'm the grumpy one you are the grumpy one. You are the grumpy one.

Yeah, but you talk way more shit. What? What? Can you hear me? Yeah. Fuck. You can't hear us? Fuck.

You idiot. What happened? I don't know. I unplugged. Oh, good. Shut up for once don't know. I unplugged. Oh, good. Shut up for once. It's my time to shine.

It's the Becker and Lund show now. Am I back? Hear me? Yeah, we can hear you. Oh, thank God. You moron. You couldn't hear us? Did you vamp while I was gone?

Yeah. Or did you just sit there and look incredibly stupid? I said, shut up. It's the Becker and Lund show now. Best friends gang. An AFE subsidiary. We just review AFE episodes. Man, Borey was on.

You guys got sponsored while I was gone? What? You guys got sponsored while i was gone well yeah no we're gonna turn into a an afe like wrap-up kind of a podcast where we discuss the highs and the lows episode by episode oh so we're gonna do talking dead for afe that's right now i'm really loud and you're quiet who cares and then carlos and i are gonna do legion of legion of skanks where we discuss our favorite skanks fans and tattoos when a t-shirt just isn't enough when you need some ink to show who thinks you stink we're gonna do cosby a lot me and carlos even doing cosby offstage i hear oh god getting away with it yeah yeah no not me yeah dude you're not the nice one

i'm the nice one you suck no dude i literally take so much time to talk to people after shows i give them so many pieces of myself meanwhile you're like how's trinidad how's trinidad that's you that's what you sound like oh yeah well it's like ask better questions you fucking you horses ass that's my impression of denver comics you don't care why would you? Except to just waste my time. I'm going to bring you down there and pay you 80 bucks. Oh, yeah. Why don't you do all the work of putting together a show, and then I'll come down and eat shit,

and then wonder why my Denver stuff doesn't work in a small town. That sounds great. That sounds like the nice one talking. I'm the nice one. No, you're not. You're the one who prays for my death so you can get a little more shine. I don't pray for it. I jerk off to the thought of it. Lon, where are you going to be?

I'll be down here hosting fucking shows for the next couple of weeks and then I'm taking the winter off. Are you really going in hibernation? I don't plan on booking any shows in november and then december is a fucking wash you know and january you know new year old sid is what i like to say january is when i get back to my roots and i chew on a bunch of licorice root and i chop down a tree

and i do things for me so i haven't given up here's where i'm going to be everybody uh next tuesday the october 19th i'm in philadelphia opening for doug stanhope october 20th hamden connecticut opening for canane october 21st albany new york 22nd northampton mass 23rd boston avoiding my sister's birthday take that sophie she was my mom too october 24th portland maine and then you were just there village october 29th i'm headlining two shows at the world famous comedy works south that's the one you think of when you think of comedy works the south club so come on down there eat dinner at lucy just like all your comedy favorites did george carl and richard pryor right there at lucy just like all your comedy favorites did george carlin richard prior right there at lucy this is your actual schedule october featuring because this is your

actual schedule october 26th getting covid symptoms october 27th testing positive october 28th not being able to breathe october 29th checking into denver. November 2nd, getting put on a respirator. November 5th, saying goodbyes.