Chubby Behemoth - Smell Isle

Episode Date: June 5, 2026

SEE THE BOYS LIVE - https://punchup.live/samtallent     Sponsors: HIMS - Support the show & get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care with HIMS @ http://hims.com/CHUBBY     Harry's - Chubby Behemoth fans get the Harry's Plus Trial Set for only $10 at https://www.Harrys.com/CHUBBY #Harry'sPod #ad     PATREON EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth     This week the boys are all back at their own houses. Sam remembers thinking 'butt stuff' was his, got into it by googling balloon stuff, and gets jealous of an orphan. Nathan shares some big news with the fellas, got an AirBnb that comes with a blunt object, and tells the guys about a man that was his own nemesis.     00:00 Cool Salt In The Pepper 00:56 Box Of Hats 02:52 Loudest Rooms Allowed 04:31 Video Dating Services 05:42 Guess What? It Sucked 07:47 But I Lurk 10:07 Maiden Voyage 12:19 Pharmacy In Your Head 14:14 Thought It Was Mine 16:41 Can't Remember 19:06 If I Gave You A Thousand Dollars 22:13 Just Me And The Boys 23:50 Staying On Murder Block 27:00 Fast Forwarding 28:58 Doing Everyone A Favor 30:55 You Can't Control The Weather 33:37 Hell Isle 34:54 Two Tokes Bike Ride At Sunset 37:40 Smashing Coffee Pots 40:55 Think I Have A Bug In There 43:32 The Confusing Aspect 47:11 That Your Wife Hates 49:45 Figuring It Out 52:47 He Always Had Kind Eyes 55:24 Crossed Him Off The List 58:01 The Real Skinner 01:01:22 The Word Engineer     Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   MORE WIDE WORLD: @SamTallent   Pre-Order Sam's New Book - https://www.amazon.com/dp/0593978897/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3I4LOBQ02YIGW&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.k5eCApJdjwVfn7hSelWi5VdRMlVrzKa4zf68ficcjcg.tZZOiI0nB0n3kkWiGAbidMQy5yUS_MkvmEIaXp-LXjo&dib_tag=se&keywords=sam+tallent+brut&qid=1769522903&sprefix=sam+tallent+,aps,181&sr=8-1&dplnkId=90401c83-a6a0-4ad4-999e-ece570a5d320&nodl=1

He wants the BTS. Yeah, so what's going on here is that remember where my beard was red when I would have a beard? Uh-huh. So I'd have these insane flares, these patches of red, and now those parts are gray. Mm-hmm. And meanwhile, this stuff, which was never really red, still has some cool salt and the pepper. Yep. So you're going to grow a goatee and act like it has nothing to do with.

my goate. No, no, I'm just saying I haven't grown. I haven't shaved. You haven't shaved. Yeah, yeah. I have to shave for Henry's wedding, but I'm not copying your look. I am starting to sell hats, though, so that's going to piss you off. Joe's embroidering new hats. Oh, good. Well, I mean, I needed something and I needed to put some money in his pocket because a little chondo, so I said, make me some hats, Joe. We kind of fell ass backwards into a box of hats, too. Oh, fuck How so? I have to return those hats.

Oh, I thought maybe you'd work something out with those guys. No, shit. I need to message them. They're just missing a box of hats. Me and Becker had some grand adventures, some schemes. Yeah, he was robbering a pie shop. I came up on Sodom and Fedoras. It was another missing water bottle in New Zealand situation when I opened that box and it was

hats when I was going to set up merch because I was like, there's three boxes. There's not another retail space in here. So who would have mixed up boxes? Lund, we went to my Detroit screen printer. And they, and you know, when you do business in the sit day, they just give you a door code and then you open it and you load the boxes into your trunk while Becker stood vigil with a rifle on the street. And it was kind of like that movie Man on Fire and the shirts were Dakota Fanning. it was i was i was eddie murphy and becker was wesley sikes all-star cast that movie is so funny because of all of the stylized captions and stuff that are very early 2000s yeah it's weird to see it now it was very what was that video game fuck i can't remember but it was like the exact same font in color as a popular video game at the time, like dead or alive or something.

Yeah, Max Payne, similar. But we've grabbed these three boxes of hats or of shirts, and then we take off. And, you know, as Becker's counting the money, and I'm shooting at the marauders, uh, we get to the, the show and Becker's like,

whoa, one of these boxes is hats. You sell them blank hats? I was like, Becker, are you selling blank hats? I'm selling blank hats. That's a good question.

Yeah, that was my question. No, I was, I, like, was trying to figure out who brought them up because the people brought them up for us, the people at the giant crazy bar that the club is in. You would have loved the shows, Lund. Oh, yeah. It was four stories. We were on the third story. The other three stories were the loudest rooms allowed. Oh, God.

Just throbbing. The raid redemption. You had to fight your way up and down. Yes. It was awesome. It was fucked. And then, uh, yeah. So I started up in the boxes.

I would like to kick everyone's ass on the second floor. And just go in there spinning around with Nunchaka. Just spraying throwing stars. Just blindly tossing them like seeds. Like it was your backyard. Yeah. Oh, man. But yeah.

First two boxes were the shirts I expected. And then I go to get the last box and I pop it open. And it's a bunch of like bucket hats. Not quite bucket hats. Kind of a safari hat. Yeah. And I was like, what the fuck? You can sell safariats.

I don't care. Those are two different market. Different clientele. Yeah, I'm selling beekeepers. Yours are for like a, you know, a girl in 2007 going on a limousine date. That's who should wear your hands. Yeah, yeah, Avrilavines. Wear a tie as a belt.

People who are. A belt as suspenders. Two belts. Both fans of some 41 and also 41 years old. The people who should be buying your hats. Lund, you look like you're coming to us from one of those video dating services in 1999. Is that right? Yes.

Well, it's overhead lighting without the additional ringlight and lamp light that I usually have on either side of me. So it is, I look like I'm in Man on Fire. It's given you a sallow kind of gray green tone. But that's just the lighting. You have great skin. It's the backdrop. I like the shirt and the goatee are what throws it back to like the 97, you know, like, hi, my name's Wayne.

I'm 43. I manage a blockbuster video and I'm looking for a woman who breaks all the rules. Yeah, this is one of the tapestries that Megan put up down here to make it feel less like a torture basement. Good. I like it. Yeah, the lighting is bad. I look crazy. It looks Indian and don't ask Becker which kind as we learned on the Patreon.

I think it's, is it Boche? I can't remember if that's Bois or not. Did you come with their face wash? Bosh. Oh, big news. I rode my bike yesterday. Okay. Okay.

My man. This just in. And guess what? It sucked because Trinidad is almost all uphill. There's, you know, it's up. and down. There's not a lot of flat. I got to figure out like good routes because it was a lot to get like up and at them. So most of my bike riding routes are strictly based on the incline. I'm never like taking my bicycle to go somewhere specifically. I'm just like, all right. I know if I go towards the water that's

downhill. So I want to start going away so I can ride downhill for the last half hour. And again, These aren't these aren't San Francisco These are like 12 degree inclines and I'm like All right, I better to take that up Oh I know, it doesn't matter Little guys are rough Well, and no matter what Here there's not it's not uphill one direction

And downhill the other There's little fucking hills everywhere It's constant You guys live in the minds Constant up and now You're trying to bicycle Mordor Yeah Peaks and valleys

What's here about it, Lund Walk me through it You go outside What are you wearing? wearing shorts and a shirt awesome and shoes and socks helmet uh helmet oh which good yeah so you're not clinically depressed and begging for death because that would have been i didn't want my first bike ride to be to end in tragedy also a lot of people that live down here take bike riders as like some kind of mortal blood feud enemy like they were the ones that killed their grandparents or some shit

There's a lot of wacky. There's people roll coal, people honk and say, get on the fuck, get on the sidewalk. Out of the way, porno guy. Cool go tea, shitty bike, shitty mode of transportation. Hey, guy who's listening to porno on his earbuds right now. Out of the way. Oh, dude, I saw some. I can't remember if it was, oh, it was like a Pueblo.

Facebook shows me all kinds of other groups that I'm not in. based on the Trinidad group. So it's like Pueblo chatter. And then I have to see the awful shit going on in Pueblo. I wish my wife were dead club. I'm not in it, but I lurk when she pisses me off. You're moderate. But no, it said in Pueblo.

It was like, hey, guy jacking off while driving. My kids saw you. And I'm sending the video to the cops. And I was like, I better stop road jacking. Wow. What if it was you? them in one of your fugue states yeah no you were driving to pueblo for bagels if you recall i'd i've done it twice you thought i was doing it on the reg yeah that it was my whole thing in the

repertoire hilarious yeah i thought it was you literally done it twice when you're like you know when you quit smoking and you get a toothpick i thought that was you with road jacking my calling card you're putting it behind your ear uh but that's a weird move with the toothpick guy. They put it behind their ear, and then they chew on it. It's like, why do you like the piece and hair greets? And toothpicks. So you're in a roadjacking group, good spots, lonely as sideways.

Legalize it. No, but put on the helmet. Yeah, don't want to die just yet. Creech knows what to do. She's been taking care of mama for years. She'll put you in the wagon, drag you around. Hide your pills and your favorite food. Yeah, I wanted to go up, up the street that I live on because it's mostly flat and get up to this Masonic cemetery right around that and then come down on Arizona, which is a big decline.

Actually, does it go down and then up and then down? But it would probably be fine. You'd have an up on that from the top. Right. It would be fun. but dangerous and I hadn't been on the bike before. So I've, but, so I went up San Pedro and it was a, it was a bitch pretty much right away. I was like, fuck, this is tough.

And had to pass like, everybody's out on their porch. It's like, oh, good. I'm glad that you're seeing my maiden voyage. Nobody yelled anything mean. A little kid waved at me and smiled. That was nice. That's the world. I mean there's a lot of old guys just going.

I wish I could. I'm on high alert for anybody assuming that no one's going to be at this, you know, four-way stop and just blasting me. But, you're also on high alert for any kids wearing backwards hats, boys with slingshots. I assume you were on vigilant for hobo. A lot of hobos out there want that bicycle and that goatee. So.

Well, they know not. Well, I'm showing, I'm sending mixed messages, right? because I'm on a bike, but I have a goatee, but I'm wearing a helmet. It's like gay or straight. Looks like you're going to the library to rent pornography. You look like a pornographer. Friend or foe. But so I ride up and realize I don't want to deal with a crazy downhill thing.

So I figure I'll just ride around this neighborhood that I'm in and then go back down San Pedro. And there were a bunch of new houses being built that I didn't know. Yeah, it's weird. So that was funny. Yeah, it's like a development that's like what Trinidad Gardens. Yeah, Trinidad Heights. Retone north. Yeah, I didn't know anything about it.

I thought that we were at capacity as far as homes. I didn't know there was new construction. Yeah. Pumping out one final butthole before it squeaks across the border. One more little turd to pop out. So I got around this neighborhood a couple different streets and then went back down San Pedro. It was obviously much nicer to go to have any momentum on the way down. And yeah, it was a quick little ride.

It was probably only 20 minutes. But it was better than nothing. Yes. It was nice to get on the bike. I'm excited to ride it more because I figure sooner than, later, my legs will get a little stronger. And if I lose any weight, then it'll be easier to deal with some of the incline. Well, you know exactly what's going on.

It's, it's just the classic, you know, the first week it sucks. The second week you're sore. The third week, you're doing it longer and you hate it. And then the fourth week, you're like, oh, wow, look at me go. I'm getting all these chemicals from my brain. Turns out there's a pharmacy in your head and you just got to unlock the key with motion. And then the sun, you know, the sun's out there beating on you. God, you're going to look so great at my party.

Yeah, too. Yeah, if I play my cards, right, I could look pretty cool. I'm just getting pink. I thought I'd start getting like kind of simmer on like my father. I'm just either pink or a different pink. You don't tan? I feel like. My arms and my legs will get tan.

You freckle. Yeah, freckle. You get freckles. Yeah, and then I just kind of look like a labia. Just my head is just like, oh, Sam's got pussy head again. Nice. Getting some sun, pussy face? I don't get it.

But Sophie has your dad's skin, right? Does she tan? No, Sophie just wears makeup on her hands and her face. That's where she sleeps in gloves. I should be sleeping in gloves. Yeah. That's what the doctor said. I did

I did for a little while. Yep. It's harder to chew your nails. Yeah, there were a lot of benefits. Oh. You guys hear that? Yeah, it is. What was his ass?

My own ass. Oh, God. My usual companion. The guy I do the other podcast with. Remember when everyone, remember when I thought I came up with butt stuff? I thought butt stuff was mine. The phrase?

I think so. Wow. Maybe it was a different phrase. What do you mean? You sued somebody for posting butt stuff on Twitter? Yeah, like 2006. I remember someone brought up butt stuff and I was like, hold on a minute. That's my thing?

Hold on. No, I don't remember this. That's me. Yeah. I was pissed for a while. It's like, all right, I guess Baker has a butt stuff joke. I think Baker tipped me off that it was like from the internet. And I was like, why don't you leave?

He was like, this is my house. And I was like, we're in a car, sir. Times is tough. Yeah. It was his car apartment toilet. Well, it made sense for him. He fit. Oh, yeah.

He's a tiny guy. Hey, everyone. Hey, everybody, July 3rd. Go see Nathan Lund, headline comedy works downtown. How is that your plug? Well, I get a cut of the door. So, make sure. But there's one ticket sold.

so don't spend it all in one place. Don't blow it. Also, well, I just advertised on the church's marquee, so hopefully that'll drum up some business. That'll get your people in there. No, the church I live in. Oh, yes.

Oh, yeah, tell me about that. You sent a picture of it. Did you film a video in front of it? No, I just think it's funny to use it to promote a show in Denver. Oh, that is very funny. I got a post about it. You're advertising to you.

And I'll leave that up for a little bit. Hopefully there will be some complaints. Somebody will try to deface or take down the... Oh, it's against God. What else is against God? Me in Austin, Texas, June 12th through the 14th, then Syracuse. You want to talk about tickets sold? I think there's seven and there's four shows.

Will I cancel? Find out that weekend. Find out the day before. Yeah, find out the morning up. Tulsa, Oklahoma, 724 and 25. City, 26 and 26. I guess I'm just there one night in Oklahoma City, Nashville, Huntsville, Naples, Tampa, Virginia Beach, Miami, Richmond, Brookfield, Winnipeg, Cleveland, Indianapolis.

I'm on the road all year, get your tickets. Pre-order brute, please, for the love of God, pre-order brute. And see Nathan Lund, July 3rd. I might do David Bore's show in Los Angeles, or like somewhere near Los Angeles on June 24th. Yeah, because I'm out there for the Bachelor Party. I'm just trying to think the last time I did stand up in Los Angeles. I literally can't remember. I think.

I went out there in like 2017 and did some shows. The improv lab. Nikki Glazer dropped off. Oh, yeah. And they said, we got to get lined. She's in cups. Yeah. Pass.

He'll fit in the dress. I think that I know that the last. My dress was shinier. What was that kid's name from Sean White from Chicago? Sure. His like his mom was in a helicopter and his dad was in an airplane and they crashed when he was like 13. Yeah. Wasn't that?

His dad was in a hot air balloon. His mom was teaching pool yoga and the hot air balloon rammed. It like dropped on to her. His dad was getting his pilot's license and his mom had a new. wig and she got pulled into the propeller. It was something ridiculous and terrible, but like everyone in his family died, that was the hook. Okay. Yeah.

I think it was separate tragedies in like less than a year or something nuts. And then he had to deal with a house full of, like, I think his dad was a hoarder. So he had to deal with like a ton of crap, like had to go through a house full of random shit and sell and throw away. And there was like a bunch of Nazi memorabilia. And like fix up and sell. I don't. Sean White Power. Oh, now we're talking.

Now we're punning. No, I think that, uh, what the hell was I going to say? Sean White out in L.A. You did his show. He probably had a couple pops. Sean was funny. I don't. What's up, man?

I have the AC, the air conditioning gentleman are in the home. Hard at work Dicking around No, they're doing good They're banging out a You know, big job in two days Anyway, Sean White was dating a woman

And I don't want to say her name Because she's a comedian And Because you don't know what it is I do Because if I gave you a thousand dollars You would not be able to say it correctly I could say it

I think I know Could you? Yeah I think I know what it is Yes Well I hang out with a lot of You know

Well, Well, don't ask Becker what kind of people I hang out with. Okay. Which type. I hang out with a lot of Indian people. So, um. She was Sri Lankan, but that's fine. Was she?

I thought she was Malaysian. I don't know. Well, I'm kidding. Becker would. I have a, I'm standing out front and a comedian comes up who, uh, has beef with Sean's girlfriend who's also a well-known comedian and Sean like can you hear that yeah okay a little bit here you're why don't you guys you were telling a story you're gonna keep telling the story for the ac guys to hear the unmuted version subscribe and everybody's like that doesn't make sense I'm just

how could there be an unmuted version I'll clean it mostly out clean that out becker yeah Listen to that. I'm glad you did let me listen to that. That'll help. Are they vacuuming? It's none of my business. I don't bother the gentleman. I say, here's the keys.

Go nuts. They have to fill up the AC units with cold air, so they're just pounding it in. That's a guy who just breathes. He's blowing in there. Anyway, there was a fight. I think. And I remember that me and David Bory were like, yeah, beat

him up. And Sean was like, I'm going to. And then the other guy was like, I don't want to get beaten up. And Sean was like, come on, let me beat you up. I was like, you know, you would. You would totally beat me up. And Sean was like, but you're huge and you have massive hands. And he was like, yeah, well, you would beat me up. And Sean was like, fine, I won't beat you up. That was the whole thing.

Me and David were both there like, yeah, get them, throw down. you know what time did it that was and then david would talk but they were both but they were both proxies for the indian subcontinent ladies that were actually beefing no sean's girlfriend and the comedian had beef and oh the comedian was a dude yes the comedian was a guy russle petan wasn't gonna beat up a woman that's not the story i was russell no i thought that the that the that this was a guy that was going to fight Sean on behalf. A big hulking guy.

A parna non-shirt-l. Yes. Quizno Ardual. She's on every show in L.A., so she was probably involved. She was there. Don't fight, please. No fighting, boys. That's enough fighting.

She's like five foot tall. I like her a lot. She's very funny. Mm-hmm. I think that there's a knife fight upstairs now. Is Emily home or is it just, you just me and the me and the boys him and his big men we could have we could have waited no we can't wait because Emily's going to be home and I want to spend time with my wife I'll bet also if she's

not there you don't have to lie yet sundown and she's going to listen no I do want to spend time with my wife and she listens emmy I did a I touched two of my fingers together in a sexual way so if you're listening to this hopefully we did it. Hopefully, I jammed your little muffin with my cream. Does that make sense? Yeah, that adds up. I'm just trying to turn her off retroactively, because if we did do it, and then I say that, she's going to be like, God, damn it, trick me again. So I asked her about our Airbnb, or about an Airbnb option if it was a good, good idea. And she was like, yeah, that's, that's good. But then we went with another one, and I sent that a

and she has not responded. So I think we might be in the middle of murder. That was you? What? Oh shit. She sent me that Airbnb and was like, look, I couldn't remember who it was, but she's like, look where they're staying. Oh, my God.

And then it was the Grim Reaper emoji and then skeletons. Uh-oh. And then she sent me a picture or she actually sent me a link to the two guys, one hammer video. And she was like, this is what's going to happen to them. I think we're in hamtramick. So we're right by that, what's it called with the pickle soup? Little Dutch boy cafe.

Polish Village Cafe? Yeah, we're not far from there. Oh, shit, you're staying on murder block. Yeah, but it said that they give us, I think we each get a gun and a blunt. I don't know if it's a hammer, but like, you know, a hitting implement. Well, you get a gun and a parogi. We'll be okay. And remember, only eat one.

I'll fill up on pickle soup. We're having it at the party, so don't eat too much of it. Yeah, hamchair make will be great. You'll love it. Yeah, Polish Village Cafe is catering the party. There's been discourse, and I'd like to have this conversation here because Emily will hear it because she's obsessed with the pod. Hear that Emmy? We're your three guys, and you listen to us, and you laugh, and you say, I'm married to one of them.

but is he the hottest? And then you go on Reddit and you talk about who the hottest of the Chubby Behemus is. I want to do this. I want to have that. I want to watch Jackass, you know? Mm-hmm. I want to watch Jackass. And Emily's like, no, we'll, we're going to have a little get together at our house the night before.

And we'll rent Jackass. And I said, Emmy, you dizzy slut, sit down. You can't rent it, first of all. On opening night. On opening night. We're going to rent it? How? Are you in the union? Are you in the fucking directors guild?

Huh? Are you just in the hottest Doctors Alive Guild? Which one did you sign up for? I don't think that you're in the producers. You're not getting screeners. Fuck, we can get a screener. From who? Well, I'm in the Oscar committee.

No, you're in the category, best use of fat guy for Preston Lacey. Fuck, Becker, how do I get a screener? I don't know if we can get a screener right on the day it releases. I don't think you can, but what about me? I have powerful. I have powerful Hollywood connections. Screeners come out for like ahead of award season. Yeah.

So I don't think that anybody would. Coolest movie that came out. Biggest buzzkill. No, we have to go to the theater. I changed my flight. So Emily can either let us go to the theater or give me 40 bucks. I was going to land at midnight Friday and I was like, wait, if that's jackass. So I changed my flight.

Well, I'm going to do this right now. I'm going to text my manager, my new manager. I'm going to say, hey, I need jackass screener ordeal is off. I don't care what Shane and Soder said. I'm actually a bastard. I'm a bad bitch, stupid, and I want this DVD or a zip drive. Okay.

I just sent a version of that email. I suppose there might be a way to get a file. If I get it, I'm going to watch it before you guys, and that way I'll know all the best parts. That's insane. And I can tell everyone to shut up and listen and no laughing because you're going to miss it. Oh, you'll say this next part's boring.

Yeah, we're fast-boarding. I'm fast-boarding through boring parts. Just explain the prank as we skip it. So this is actually my edit. They sent it over last night, and this is why I missed your soccer game, Susanna. She's in the room. It's just all the boys. It's only boys who are allowed and Susanna.

Susanna has huge sunglasses on, and she's eating like caramel corn. and Pat keeps reaching in the caramel corn and every time she does Susanna sprays him with spray paint in his eyes and then and then all right guys this is the Sam Talent edit of Jackass

the newest one here you go and then when they say hi I'm hi I'm and then it cuts to me Sam Talent and then it cuts back welcome to Sam Talent presents Jackass and then

butt stuff yeah the buttes stuff cut. And it's me doing stuff. It's like if I was in Jackass, it's eight minutes long. It's like me on a sled. I hurt my knee really bad. And then it's me going, turn it off. Turn it off for three of the eight minutes.

I'm really hurt. I'm actually hurt, Susu. She's filming it. It's you climbing a fence, a short fence. You get stuck. My pants rip. It's like,

Like during a 21 gun salute, it's like a very somber moment. I'm sneaking. I'm trying to eat blueberries in a graveyard. My pants get caught as a bunch of veterans are standing and saluting. So yeah. So what do you guys think about that? I think we go to the theater. Yeah.

And also, are there going to be 80 people at your house? You know what I'm? Like, aren't we doing everyone a favor if some of us go watch jackass? Well, what we're doing right now improves. the space is we are uh we're opening the door to a conversation with my wife because she'll hear this she'll ponder it for the next 33 minutes and uh then she'll come home and she'll say i heard what you said and guess what no boys allowed at the party either no boys in the house if you see jackass you're not allowed into the house Saturday Sunday if we all had to camp

that'd be cool no I would fuck up my... There'd be too many bugs in the backyard. Yeah, you guys can't go back there. I mean, we could probably go to an early showing. Where's the fun in that? Then we can make it back for most of the party that she wants us to be at? No, I wanted to be 2 a.m.

There's a party Saturday. There's a party Saturday. I understand. Emily, it's not a three-party weekend. No, I'm talking to Emily now, Becker. There's a free blank hat for everyone if they go to the house Friday. We don't want the free blank hats. We have other hats.

so we go watch jackass we get a jackass hat how about that and we spend a lot of money on it because they wore it in the movie Saturday Saturday we split the party we say Jackass hats on one side blank hats on the other wall of death we've yeah we we fight it out and then Sunday the victors get to go on the lake yeah dude I can't wait for that I did it's I tried to get in the water the other day at Bell Isle it's too cold but they wouldn't let you

They said, back, back beast, Godzilla. The Canadians actually launched a submarine when they saw me from the shore. Sam, I know you've been working on a device that would make this first statement untrue, but until it works, you can't control the weather, okay? I know that you're trying to make it rain whenever you want. I want to control the weather, Sam. I wanted to hail whenever I want. No, you don't.

So I can kill other people's gardens. Oh, okay. Yeah, but that leaves yours. Not mine. Completely vulnerable. Mine's fine because I created sun above my house. Okay. Well, you can take control of your ED.

Hymns is here to help you bring the thunder in the bedroom. Well, actually, I don't mean Oklahoma City. I need to control the weather. I can only get hard when it's raining. A lot of the, when you think thunder in the bedroom, you think flopping. But your dick's going to be anything but flopping if you get some hymns. Hymns helps you get personalized prescription treatment options for ED with trusted generics that costs 95% less than brand names. Hymns also has in-house products like their hard mince.

Much better than their soft mints. Those soft mints. Those don't sell. Don't mix those up on date night. Well, those are, yeah. Well, yeah, those come in handy when you don't want to get hard. Yeah. At the square dance.

And you can eat them alone if you want to come in handy. God damn it. With 100% online access to personalized treatment plans, HIMS brings expert care right to you. To get simple, online access to personalized affordable care for ED, hair loss, weight loss, and more. Visit HIMS.com slash chubby. That's Hymns.com slash chubby for your free online visit. Hems.com slash chubby. Actual price will depend on product and subscription plan.

Featured products include compounded drug products. which the FDA does not approve or verify for safety, effectiveness, or quality. Prescription required. See website for details, restrictions, and important safety information. There's just beach that you can kick it at on Bell Isle. Bell Isle's magic, man. Closed off or something. Oh, my God.

The whole thing is just an island of pleasure and fun and pleasure seeking fun. It's, yeah, and there's a beach side. And like, you're at the beach on Bell Isle, and you're just looking at Detroit. you just see detroit downtown it's really really special it reminds me of uh like the part of the lake that's on the miracle mile in chicago where you can ride a bicycle and like you're riding through the shadows of all the buildings as they they splay across the water it's it's really fucking nice man best river walk in america i'm gonna splay all right yeah you're gonna be wide i call it smell aisle they're gonna call it smell aisle when i'm done with it well i'm gonna it's gonna

stink. You're going to call it hell aisle when I'm done with you. Clean up on Bell aisle. Clean up on Isle spluge. Clean up on Isle Bell? I forget. Is there an actual casino or is that some old-timey term? It's just like a Nickelodeon. It's Art Bell Island and the casino is actually in space. So we're going to be floating around up there with the reverse vampires.

No, it's not a casino. It's just a big, nice building. okay yeah and we're gonna have for anyone listening who's doing the math uh we are going to have snipers positioned so if you yeah if you show up yeah with something to sign you're gonna get a stone cold stunner oh you would wish for a stunner a stunner would be a delight after the fucking rk oh that i give you i'm putting your face directly on the ground i'm not bumping your chin off my shoulder and taking a butt bump for 20 years idiot Lon, what are you doing?

Arranging snacks? What's happening down there? Put my shoes on. No, I'm putting my shoes out of here. His feet are shy. I got to get on that bike. Get out there. You're going to go back out today?

Yeah, I think so. Good, ma'am. Have you been stoned on the bicycle yet? I was a little stone last night. I tell you what? Two toks, bike ride at sunset. You're going to fall in love with that place, finally. I already love

No, you don't love it, you live there. Worts and all. No, no, no. I'm keeping a spot warm for you here for when Mutiny burns down. If Mutiny burned down, we would probably move to Las Vegas, New Mexico. That's my backup plan.

No, no, no, no. When Becker and I engage Sigma Protocol, Operation Free Lund, we will be, torching it and also we will insure it the night before so that you and Creech get the money.

But you have to find the money and it's hidden in Detroit where you also live now in my house with me. You guys live with AC. Oh yeah, Bonsa's here too. It's the whole squad.

I didn't realize until two days ago that the Carolina hurricane who are in the Stanley Cup final are in Raleigh. I figure they're in Charlotte for sure. They're in Raleigh. That surprises me. I'm glad to hear that. I'm glad Bonzo has something to rally around.

They could be his whole thing. Yeah, he does need a thing. Yeah. But really anything would be good for Bonzo at this point. I'm bummed he won't be there. He could take hockey pictures. Well, AC's pregnant, so he can't make it. I wasn't supposed to tell you guys

Well, whoops Leave it in He doesn't listen He doesn't listen, she can't get pregnant She was born without a vagina So They didn't want that out either So now you're really screwed

Watch porn out, you'll see you're watching no vaj porn Vag free since 2003 I like it smooth I got into it by Googling balloon stuff and then a woman had a balloon front and it squeaked and I was like whoa there's nothing

shit you took the spider out of the web and I can just get sticky my lar yeah oh shit okay you're gonna love this you know how much I love to wake up really early. Mm-hmm. You know how much I love to be surprised with an early wake-up?

Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah, yelling, screaming. Yes. Smashing coffee pots. I put cigarettes out on Becker that one time. They weren't even my cigarettes. So this morning, I'm woken up by Emmy.

You know, she's like, the AC guys got to come in here. I'm like, I wake up and I say, the first thing I said was, I have ear plugs in as a if you know this isn't my problem like i i planned for this you're supposed to be invisible nobody nobody can see where you i'm the kid and big daddy sleeping in my sunglasses yes how can you see me so yeah i wake up and i say i have earplugs in and she says and so that makes her yell they have to come in here and i was like ah no no they don't squatters rides what are you talking about get out you know i come to poorly this will be This will be the hot room.

Right. It's 7.30 a.m. I've never been up that early unless I'm on an airplane. They've been there for 12 hours. What the fuck? Maybe it was. Yeah. No, they came super early because they have to work in the attic.

It's super hot up there. So the earlier they can get in, the better it is for the boys. You know, I'm no, I'm no sweat house driver. They should have had a crew install AC in the attic so that they could work on the rest of the house in peace. They should have just worked through the night. and that would have been fine. Pre-team. A pre-team.

A pre-teen for your pre-teens. It's a bunch of 12-year-olds up there. Looking at mylar porn. Squeaking. Squeaking around. It's fine. It's not weird. They don't have vaginas.

We're kids. Interesting. Interesting point. Let me hear you out. It's 7.45. So I go downstairs. I pour coffee. And I immediately, you know, go out into the garden.

and I open the garage because I want to, I'd been planning, walking through the garage, through the back garage door, opening the door because I wanted to see what my new pathway that I put in would look like from that vantage first thing in the morning. Open the garage. It's like $750.50. I have a cup of coffee. I open the back garage door. I walk through face full of spider webs. Spiders all over me. It's not 7.50 a.m. and I have spiders all over my face. Spiders in your eyes. Yes. Spiders in my nose. Spiders in my ear. And this is coming hot off of Emily's big prank the other day, Beckard. Oh yeah. When she got both of us separately. Oh my God. So I'm a little arachnophobic right now. And also the other day, I found a spider. A spider just came down on my hat brink. him and just got into my eyes. And I was like, oh, God, there's spiders having webs on my head.

But outside a lot. I've been getting dirty. Hell yeah. But yeah, that's how I started my day. The other day, Lund, I tell Emily, I tell Emily, I think I have something in my ear. I think I have a bug in there. I told you this yet? No.

Oh, yeah, I think I have a bug in there. She's like, no, you don't. She looks at it with her doctor thing. She's like, there's nothing in there. And like a half hour later, Becker's outside smoking. She comes and she's like, let me look in there again. I just want to make sure. I'm like, please, I think there's something in there.

She does. She looks in there. And then she starts going, ah, oh my God, grab it. I'm like, what? I reach in my ear. I pull out a bug. I pull out a bug probably the size of my index finger nail. And I just look at Emily like, and she says, it's fake.

I was like, I'm still dumbstruck. I was so scared. I was so scared that that size bug could have been in my ear. How deep did it go? Is this why I don't remember all the state capitals in order anymore? It was horrifying. And then we did it to Becker later. Yeah.

Then I walked in and they got me again. And I was fucking flabbergasted. He jumped through the window. Neither of you felt anything. thing, right? So wouldn't you figure that it wasn't anything going on? Sam did feel something. I felt something in my ear. And she checked it earlier in the day and said it's fine, go

take a shower. And he did that. No, I don't have to. My mom's dead. And then she checked him again. She didn't do it to me. She checked him in front of me and they both played along and did the bit to me. So I thought Sam had a giant bug in his ear all day after she was like, you're being a baby, go take a shower.

Becker said, my mortgage. I did. immediately while I was stunned I was like damn we should have filmed that because I thought she actually pulled a bug out of your ear ugh yeah so she's

yeah she's feeling menacey well Emily the emily the menace what happened was we ordered a prank kit for Susanna but it came to our house and so Emmy's been studying up

it's the Alfred E Newman prank your fat husband kit great pranks for your fat husband kit great pranks for your that uncle slash husband give your recent recently unfatened husband a heart attack yeah just when you think you're in the clear hey you get scared to death you got that new couch why not have your husband shit it with these cool pranks is your husband's friend medically high on weed get his ass too what do you got lund speaking speaking of pranks i texted this to myself so i wouldn't forget

I was scrolling something, I think threads. And there was a series of posts that were mostly sad about dealing with parents with dementia. So obviously sad, heavy, awful. I can't imagine. But within the thread, somebody said, oh, man, you're reminding me of when my dad had dementia and he was incontinent. but because of the dementia he was convinced that somebody somebody was coming into his bathroom every night and shitting everywhere obviously that would be awful the confusing aspect but come on i mean part of it is also very funny to imagine this guy being like god damn it this guy is good he stays up all night

He's got a shotgun, like, on the door. And then, you know, he's lucid like eight hours later. And he's like, time to go take a shit. Then he's like, motherfucker, again. How is he getting in here? He's checking all of his windows. He's like, you know, he's in a weird state. He doesn't know where he is, but he knows to be vigilant.

He has his gun. And then he comes to, and he's shitting into his own toaster. And he's like, oh, damn. He's the best that's ever done it. set me up he could be he could be he could be he could be both guys right so he's the guy that's expertly fucking with with this with his dickhead yeah he's like he'll never expect the toaster but then yeah the next day the next day he's like god damn it i keep getting fucked by this guy in the hair dryer joker

Got me again. He's his own his own nemesis. But yeah, God. And then how do you deal with that as an onlooker, as a caretaker or the daughter or son? It's like, guess what, Dad? There's not an expert prankster. Dennis A menace isn't coming in here every night. A lot of this is you're doing.

And they're like, I don't think so. I don't think so, Mr. Wilson. I think I would remember. That's your name. I think I would remember shitting my own bathroom. No, you wouldn't, actually. Your brain is applesauce. Yeah.

Your brain's actually much like the bathroom ceiling. It's covered in shit. We'll see what happens. We'll see what happens tonight because I've put mousetraps everywhere. That's right. It wakes up the next day. They're all on it. He's covered in mousetraps.

there's a big net over the entryway to the bathroom he's in the net you can't wait to catch this son of a bitch yeah the next morning he wakes up where'd this fucking net come from why is it stick like shit what an awful obviously who shit my toothpaste to nightmare but man yeah until it happens to me i'm gonna laugh at that till I'm the one. Hey, Lund, they wrote this for you. Shave it off for summer with the Harry's Plus razor. Are you growing a go-tee because you're going through something?

It's all I have. Yes. Do you have a goatee and a Camaro and a gun? That your wife hates? She's working a double, and she didn't have to, but she said, Unless there's no goatee, there's no creach. She's working at the bakery and bartending. Well, if you want to pivot to not looking like you're unsafe,

Harry's Plus pivoting system means you get a smooth shave anywhere with blades engineered at three. That's right. One, a two, a three. Different angles. Plus a lubricating strip with aloe and vitamin E. Harry's Plus pulls less and leaves your skin feeling better. Lund you've been trying to pull less. What do you think about Harry's Plus raisers?

That's right. Well, so far's so good. Also, if you have a razor in your hand, it's hard to pull more. That's right. That's very true. That is in the coffee. I didn't know you read ahead. That was me.

Oh, okay. I mean, if you were going to talk it up, why would you say you love Harry's? That's a great product. there's a bunch of crap available. There should be some kind of law that says if you're, you know, running the snake oil business, it should be illegal. But that's not true. So you have to trust us when we say that Harry's is worth, it's weight in gold.

I like it. I also love it. And it's weight in hair. Yeah, well, you got to keep the hair. Remember, if Harris reaches out and says they want the hair, that's a different company. That's your property. They spell that with an eye. I like their shave gel, their deodorant, their body wash.

With a risk-free trial, you've got to try. Harry's today. For a limited time, Chubby Behemoth fans can get the Harry's Plus trial set for only $10 at harries.com slash chubby. This set includes the all-new Harry's Plus Razor, one refined five-blade cartridge, a two-ounce foaming shave gel,

and a travel cover to protect your blades on the go. Just head to harries.com slash raver. Just head to harries.com slash chubby. After you purchase, they'll ask you where you heard about them, support the show. Tell them

Chubbo behep, sorry, what's Chubby Bahomo Chumbo Bahonkas. Chumbo Wombo. One time early on after my mom stroke when she was like figuring it out still,

my dad cleaned the bathroom. My dad disappeared and I was like, where have you been? I was sitting with my mom in the living room. And he was like, oh, I had to clean up the bathroom. your mom's figuring it out and I was like,

mom, what happened in there? And my mom just looked at me and went, just smiled, shook her head. I'll never tell. She couldn't talk. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Uh-uh.

Uh-uh. She's Newman. Mm-hmm. Newman and Jurassic Park. She was Banya at that point. I think she achieved Newman by the end. She went full Banyan. Yeah, she was.

Yeah, she was a guest star in her own life. Right. Yeah, she would pop in. Miss a couple episodes. Do much weaker bits than she used to. No one would ever be like, where's Banya? But when they popped up, you knew. You knew it was a Banya episode.

my mom's classic Seinfeld when we went to the Franklin ridehouse for her 40th anniversary and they didn't have a wheelchair ramp so she just sat and watched us as we went up in the Franklin Wright House and waved and you know in her head it was doop do do do do do do do do do do do or the curb yeah curb theme yeah get wheeled up to the Franklin there's just a that says due to the genius of Frank Lloyd Wright, the ADA does not apply to this structure. This building's so cool. No old freaks. If you can't walk in, you're not allowed.

You can't walk in, you're not allowed. Got a genius exemption. Oh, my God. Being covered in mousetraps really got me. Setting up bells. He wakes up. He's eating all the bells. Like, where's the bells?

He gets up out of bed. He starts jingling. Wow. This thing goes all the way to the top. I mean, and then to think about the care facilities where, you know, that's all it is, is a bunch of dementia patients. And then people making $750 an hour that's fucked. Oh, yeah. What are we going to do?

Oh, I don't know. Save your money. Save your money. That's all you can do. Give it in gold. Buried it in Detroit. Burnedown Lund's wife's coffee shop. Have new friend.

Oh, I had a cool message from a woman. She said that she used to come to too much fun. Yeah. Nice. Used to come to too much fun a lot. There was it down. Okay. And then.

Thinking of a couple. Yeah, there was seven. Seven women came to the show. She bought a house down here. She's planning on moving here, like at the end of the month or something. But she was just like, oh, you know, I saw that you are down here. She's moving here from Canyon City, which is funny because there's not a lot going on out that way. She just got out of prison? No, she just said she got sick of Denver.

She gets out of prison. She reaches out to you from the library computer. She's like a Lund. He always had kind eyes. Cape Cap Fear situation. Yeah, she's coming to kill me. She's wearing your shirt. She's doing pull-ups.

She has Nate Lund on her knuckles. Lund rules. Die, Lund, die. No, no, no. It's German. The bar D. The Lund. The.

Yeah. But no, it was nice. She said that she always loved. going to the show and then she asked if we were still in touch and i was like oh boy boy howdy oh we're in touch yeah and i sent her the link to wide world and i said i open for you all the time i said uh that we've been down here since 2021 and we love it and it's nice and whatever and then she says yeah you know i drove through trinidad and liked it and stopped at a mutiny and saw that that was cool and And I thought if this, it was beanie, she thought that if a place like that could be down here, then she could be down here too.

And I was like, dude, my wife owns it. So that was all really cool. And it'll be fun to. Yeah, well, it's just funny. Or it's convenient cover story to come Cape Fear you. To kill me. Or it's exactly what you'd want to hear when a strange woman gets out of prison and moves to town. And she has your face tattooed on her stomach.

your mouth is her belly button she's like I like to feed it cheetahs to feed my she has a giant she's a giant Lund hat made that fits over her whole body the castle you and her I want to know if this woman is uh I think her name her name's Ali something oh shock cat yeah it was neat it was funny to imagine God that feels long ago, too much fun. Fuck. Yeah. It's almost been a decade since it ended. She asked if I was single?

No. She asked about you and Chris, but not Bobby. And I said, Bobby's, I just, I still said, Bobby's, Bobby's in Alamosa. She probably banged Bobby and lawyer. And then it was like, crossed him off the list. Bobby's her, yeah, she got his, she got his, she got a line tattooed through that name she has on her body. And then I was like, Lund. Sharpie's already crossed out.

And she got Wayman somehow. She thought Wayman was in the crew? She thought she thought Wayman. He was a carebear cousin. Yeah. Wayman. Golly. What's the comedian to lawyer pipeline?

What's that? Greg Gerardo. They're all copying him. Bobby had a, he was very Greg Gerardo-esque on stage. He did his hair like Geraldo. Yeah, good looking. This kid is doing stand-up. Have you seen that? Finally.

Geraldo's kid. I bet he'll get a weekend before me. How about this? Where? Where is he going to get a weekend that you haven't done yet? Acme Comedy Club, Minneapolis. I need to ask you guys about this. Don't be jealous of orphaned Geraldo.

Well, you know, I bet, I bet, I bet, I bet Geraldo. I bet Geraldo had a good trust. I mean, he had a good will set up for his boy. No, he was, no, he didn't. He was buying a bunch of drugs and shit. I doubt that he also saved his money. He had all those roast checks. You got the, you know, he did the roast every couple months.

He got $1,200 bucks a pop. Does that up. He killed himself at the three, he died at the stress factory, you know? I bet, I bet that his sons never had to pay for a slice of pizza in New Jersey. That's all I'm saying. Meanwhile, my dad's hitchhiking with his kid and over. overalls. He's alive. My mom's dead. I'm still scrapping. I'm still trying to get a weekend in American Comedy Club, all right? Little Greg Gerardo. You've worked there several times American

Comedy Club. Not enough. I want to be there for Christmas. They said I could have the week before. I said, oh, who's doing Christmas? Greg Geraldo's son? His name is Greg. Giroldo Jr. So Greg War. Iho, Iho de Geraldo. Geraldo. No, I'm sure he's hilarious. I want to ask you guys this. I've been doing some deep dives on old Simpsons lore on YouTube. Somehow that got into my YouTube algorithm. So can you guys explain to me or do you guys remember the Armin Tanzanian episode of the Simpsons? Yeah, I watched it not that long ago. Can you bring me up? to date because I think I remember it. And allegedly, it's the worst episode of the Simpsons ever and Simpsons fans are furious about it. Oh, people didn't like it because it was so ridiculous.

I think. Let me give you my version of it. Yeah, sure. It's just Mad Men with Principal Skinner, right? Yeah, right. But it was before Mad Men. Many, many, many years before, yeah. Yeah.

So, yeah, it's the same thing. Armand Tanzanian is his name, or, Seymour Skinner was in the army with Armand Tanzarian. They were in Vietnam. Yeah, and then the real Skinner got captured, I think. Okay. And then Skinner or Tanzarian came home thinking that Skinner was going to die over there and then acted like he was Seymour Skinner, took over his life, became the principal.

And then they tell the mom. And she, like, refuses to believe it. Then the real Skinner comes, it comes to Springfield. And the town, like, or the mom rejects him and says she doesn't, like, nobody likes the real Skinner. I can't remember why. But they just, like, pick. Maybe he reeked like Colton Burpa.

Yeah, I don't remember it being bad. I remember seeing it a thousand times as a kid because they were immediately in syndication. And we watched Simpsons. every night at six from six to seven. So it's like, I don't remember that episode being upsetting or bad or like throwing me out of the fandom, even though I was, you know, the same age as the show and grew up with it. Yeah. I watched it within the last six months, I think.

I watched a bunch of Simpsons and that was one of them. You did your annual Simpsons rewatch, right? All 40 years. No, no, just bouncing. around watching some specific ones and then the one after the specific one and that was like a random one after a specific watch and yeah i wasn't pissed i wasn't like this sucks is that the one it's not the same one as the hamburgers one right baked ham or uh no no that's the one that's like uh shortcuts it's that one that's it's like 21 short stories about springfield oh yeah yeah

Every one of them is a minute long. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I loved The Simpsons. I think the Simpsons were as, you know, it's like that, Conan, Christopher Gess. These are all the things that taught me funny. I think that's why I also have that terrible mental illness where like you guys will say two words.

It's, and I need to think of a pun. It's kind of like I like think in Mark Norman, but I just don't say it impulsively. Or it's like, whenever. I hear the word engineer, I try to think of a racist joke. Every time I fucking thought I've heard the word engineer, I swear to God, I like, the cogs bump into each other again and I, you know, put it on the back of my desk. I'm like, oh, I'll crack it one day. When I finally crack engineer, it's going to be nuts.

Because I think my grandpa had a racist song lyric and I can't remember what it was. Did it have to do with an indigenous person's rear? I don't know what you're talking about. this was anti Thomas the train stuff. I should have been more specific. But anyway, that's where I'm at with my brain. You're a big Carlin guy, but it's because of Thomas the tank engine. I like a couple of the words you can't say.

The rest are like extreme. Who would ever say that? Who would ever say piss or damn? A rat. Nobody that I would call a friend. Yeah. So wait, Lund, real quick. Are you going to be, you're going to come up and see me in Boulder?

What, what's your deal? What are you doing this weekend? Well, I'm going up to Denver to see Kim and Evan and Eli. Oh, nice. And we haven't made specific plans. So I should be able to come up. Why are you going to be in Boulder? Henry's wedding.

You're not doing a show, right? Oh, but that's at night. So you have. I get in Thursday. I have shit all day Thursday. And then Friday I have like a dinner, like a dinner. like a pre-show dinner, then Saturday's the wedding.

Oh, and then Fort Collins, people, I'm doing the comedy for it at 5 o'clock and 730 on Sunday, June 7th. So get those tickets because there's very few of them. June 7th, Fort Collins. You can even come up and do that show if you wanted one. Do those?

Yeah, I was planning on going home that night. I figured you had already asked Pat or something. No, I mean, Pat's on them, but you could come do them too. Peckett Host, you than me. The three eras of Denver comedy. Yeah, fuck. I suppose I should plan on that.

That'd be fine. Then we could do the episode Sunday, because I'm like way free Sunday. Yeah. All right. Well, let's figure it out. Guys, this is another. Well, and your yeses are softer than the mess that man

keeps thinking someone does in his bathroom. Oh, yeah, it's loose. Oh, it's loose as well. You can barely define it as solid. As far as states of matter, your yeses are gaseous. Sometimes they're plasma. Mm-hmm. Igneous.

See, and now I'm trying to think of pigneous, wignis. Wigniens. It's a rock. Wignius J. Frillstein. It's when a weave gets ripped out and it's thrown into the cracking rocks and it grows. Wignis.