Chubby Behemoth - Smusho

Episode Date: November 21, 2022

Extra episodes at Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   Dog Comic. Fair Food. Dr T's Rebuttal.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

It's football Sunday. I got... You're unbelievable. What'd she say? She said, you're unbelievable. Yeah. I don't know who taught her that song. I don't like it.

I came home this morning and she said it about six times. I feel like she was having some kind of disco vogue night while I was gone Because last night Patrick left And when Emily asked why he left He told her I'm getting some pussy He said that to his mother

His adopted mother He said I'm getting some pussy listen to this um he's actually older than his mom he's older than your little ass he's also he's also fatter than you he's like bigger and older than you barely Barely. Yeah. Yeah. Barely. Similar body types. Yeah. Sometimes when I can't see their faces, I can't tell which one is which. I'm like, what's up, baby?

Give me a piece of that ass. And then Pat reveals his face. And I'm like, oh, you're not Emily. I don't want to. I don't want to give up my hole. I just jacked. So I can't get hard for a while. I don't need him to get hard to get what I need.

Oh. I'll tell you that right now. I figured maybe you were getting filled up. No, no. I push his butt cheeks together and have my way with them, because then it's not gay. As long as there's no pen and it's just cheek, that's pretty masculine

using a man's butt like a pair of tits nothing wrong with that it's funny in porn when the when women will put the the dong in between their tits and then they kind of moan and stuff as if they're getting pleasure out of it yeah you do what are you doing you're not loving it you can be into it but you can't really be like oh yeah i love this my collarbone is so wet for you you're on the spectrum so any tactile interaction is uh pleasuring you got some kind of synesthesia going on my clavicle's so close you smelling colors dizzy feels so good my chin loves to get jammed with your meaty rod ew yeah dude pierce for the texans just got power bombed lun straight up powerbombed whoa like bent over big man picked him up dropped him like

kevin nash wild that's not allowed oh shit davis mills just got a brain buster not in this nfl yeah well aw runs the nfl used to be able to let them play i like how guys act like we got to get back to a time when these fucks were dead at 50 i'm sick of this looking out for the player bullshit i want them killing each other because that's the football my dad watched when he yelled at my mom yeah that's the football that we watched in youngstown ohio before the mills were shut down did you you've been listening to that podcast huh oh yeah dude bacho is so funny doesn't it sound like he would slip on a banana peel he would walk into a fake door like he is cartoonish in his buffoonery yeah it's like bacho sounds like when he's on a stakeout for an assassination he's like hidden in a trash can or like doing

that thing where he's dressed as a plant and like moving around the office building and every every like every every episode at least once someone will say and who has it but fucking bacho yeah no it's in that story of constant gangland murders i don't know how he survived and is able to talk about what an idiot he was every so many other people are are dead and then he's like well time to tell old bacho story i was a complete dickhead yeah yeah he's like barney gumbel from the simpsons but also he has like three bodies on him yeah yeah somebody wouldn't want to cross because he would just pound you into oblivion he's like oh yeah and then there was the the irishman and he was the best southpaw fighter that the valley ever saw and he threw

a brick through my mom's window so i went and i got a couple of propane tanks and i got my chevy impala and i let those tanks open and i drove into his fucking house was that him yeah he's like i pointed the car at the house i soaked the whole car in gas and i pointed it right to his house and i jumped out the last minute and the sucker didn't blow that sounds made up yeah that is that's 100 what's that podcast called crime town white crooked city crooked city yeah there's yeah i mean hey if you mess with my mom's house i'm gonna blow up your fucking home all right about my mom in the wapo i don't care if it's a commie rag i'm coming after you his first assassination attempt he was uh in that bar and he's like yeah and i went out and i got my jim bowie knife because I saw her there at the bar with another fella and I stabbed him well what was it it was exactly 22 times

he always I try to act like he doesn't remember like he hasn't just been self-mythologizing himself forever and he's like yeah I don't remember exactly well oh yeah I do it was a 1933 bowie knife and i put it in his thorax 22 times yeah he's in prison for life uh he goes to the cops and his his whole excuse is uh look i walked in on my old lady and she's fooling around at the bar with another guy and this isn't my girlfriend this isn't my fiance this is my wife all right if she wasn't my wife i wouldn't have cared if it was my longtime girlfriend maybe we were even common law i wouldn't have shed a tear i wouldn't have had to penetrate that man 22 times exactly with my buoy knife he. He winked at her twice, and as we all know, a wink is 11

ins and outs with a little sharp knife. Look, he got five for the eye closing and he got five for the eye opening. 11 were for me. It was a very wild ride, and now the second season is talking about a murder in the Emerald Triangle. Don't ruin it for me. I know you love spoiling. I i'm not gonna i've only listened like the first two you like to call

yourself milk because you want to spoil stuff i sit in the fridge and i and i go bad uh earlier than advertised yeah no there was a murder encounter like an hour and a half or like two hours south of arcata yep Yeah. I got murdered again. And they're looking into it when it's not the same because the first season is all of those like some real classic kind of mob characters or mob adjacent, you know, hard work. And like the good guys all sound like heroes, you know, his name is Jaime the Jew. And he's one of the good ones. Let me tell you the the emerald triangle it's all potheads was like oh man i was like oh god what the fuck man i don't know if it's

gonna be as engaging as uh the story of just the wild west of uh pittsburgh and cleveland going to war in youngstown ohio belt up there oh yeah and they do they talk like this but they say you know i would have fucked him in the hole that i left in his throat you know i would just i didn't care you know i was i was just so high on the free base i didn't know if i was alive or dead most of the time but those were good times you know you knew your neighbors and uh it wasn't uh boccio but somebody else uh goes to kill somebody and then accidentally targets a christmas standee oh yeah so that prosecutor gets elected and then like the night before they swear him in old classic boccio's on the hunt because they tried to assassinate him in a buffalo wild wings but it

was homecoming he's like yeah we were gonna shoot him right there at bw3s but uh we didn't know it was young town states homecoming and it's one thing to kill a man in cold blood in front of his family but you don't want to bum out some sophomores just trying to get a little tail you know just trying to find a home for their fingers yeah yeah they're just trying to find a home for their fingers. Yeah, they're just trying to stay warm inside of each other. So we couldn't pull it off at VW3. So I figured it's Christmas Eve. He's all alone.

I might as well spray his brains all over the snow. So yeah, the guy had Santa Claus, like a wooden cutout of santa claus in his yard and bacho's like there he is that dipshit he'll never see it coming just staring across the street as if he's not the target of mob violence just completely immobile standing in his front yard even though he knows people want to kill him and i was like

well thin as an envelope bacho it is written sometimes you just you luck out yeah he fucking blasted it and then he's like oh shit i gotta go out and do it i just listened to that episode on the plane today and he's like yeah you know and when i when i saw that cardboard cutout explode i said god damn it i guess i gotta go inside he thought he had it made like this is the easiest hit there's ever been damn it they tricked those black guys into thinking they were going to be in the mob they did i mean that's basically my my great grandpa said that him and his twin brother

got tricked into thinking they were going to be in the mob and they just ran booze for years but they wouldn't promote them because they were polack see yeah you have to be 100 italian to get in and bacho's like you know i was half white and i was half Italian. Yeah. Shit, man. I felt bad for the black guys. They're putting in a lot of work. I don't want to ruin the podcast for anyone who listens, but it's good. Yeah, I want to check it out now for sure.

Check it out. Yeah, it's one of these podcasts that the story could be told in 90 minutes, but for some reason it's 20 chapters long.'s still fun is each one an hour no each one's like 30 minutes oh that's great yeah it's uh it's what we call a good old-fashioned program i like it i like to use my ears and not my brain sometimes i'm batcho yeah i can't listen to too much murder shit, though. It puts me in a weird place. Yeah.

You say it puts you in a horny place, right? No, it makes me want to murder. And I can't have that going on. It makes you want to murder. You can never pull off a fucking murder beggar. I bet I could. I don't think you could, man. I mean, what are you gonna do fucking brine the

body and eat it a little buttermilk yeah you're just like oh i know what to do i'll cover it in caramel yeah gravy and caramel christmas style lund was chewing on his cord yeah lunch you to do his cord it's great the commitment that he has uh to having internet that works hello hey hello it's me bacho hey bacho good to hear from you goddamn computer anyway when i move into the new place it's gonna have a second bedroom that's gonna be the podcast cave and i'm gonna be ready to go at any goddamn time of night or day i can't wait until uh you finally move into uh the year 2003 and you have reliable internet that'll be good it's not that no it's not the internet it's my damn computer cord yeah there's nowhere to buy a computer cord

down there you gotta trade salt for one we don't have a fries we don't have a goddamn best buy we had a circuit city but it closed six months ago oh well r.i.p to all the brave men and women who are keeping that afloat i uh here's a fun story boys this one goes out to the fellas i was in san francisco all weekend shout out to the chub army that came to cheaper than therapy i'll say this man it's real wild it's cheaper than therapy is like uh it's right there in san francisco and most of the clientele is kids from like the hostel and then they also get a bunch of like people who want to support theater

and then they're just like young pretty people right so that's the key demographic it's foreigners it's old people with like you know opera glasses and then it's like young people who you know with a playbill that was that nobody made that's associated with the show right they're wearing a playbill yeah those glasses those glasses, those pinch nads, the ones that just rest on your nose without any arms on the glasses. Starring Sam Talent. I can't wait to check out this wily fellow.

A one-man romp through American pop culture. I wonder if it's a review. Will he sing all the hits? It's a grand old flag. This one hasn't been more than 15 stories off the ground my love we live in the penthouse he's in the outhouse it's time to see what's going on down there with the wily masses let's see how this unwashed mass does his goddamn job so it's that and then it's just young people interracial couples who made a bunch of money in tech and boy is it fun to watch the fucking chub squad come in and just rain hell upon these people trying to have

a nice night yeah just shoving people out of the way oh yeah he's making them flinch and shit they're fucking like an old man comes in they're like after you and then the guy goes for it he's like bullshit and sack taps him and walks back out yeah just a lot of fucking sack taps out this weekend i mean i can just see him in the crowd like i walk out and they start barking and then a bunch of people like what's why are they barking is that this guy's thing this guy's thing? Is this guy a dog comic?

Yeah. Is this the new thing? Dog comedy? Honey, grab your purse. The wolves are out. Honey, did you bring that beef jerky the native man gave you out front? Because the coyotes are howling oh that's a big stop for the buffalo bills um i wasn't able to get in on your damn parlay but i did a dollar on each of those overs sure yeah i mean hopefully they'll hit uh but yeah uh so where the theater is is on on Sutter, like in the Tenderloin.

Oh, yeah, it can get hairy out there. Dude, I have never, ever seen an open air prostitute market like what was going on two blocks down from this show. Yeah. Good God in the heaven. And they're out there and they're dumping them and they're wearing the short skirts and the makeup i mean they look like they're at a central casting like it's a fucking hbo real sex episode it's the beginning of svu yeah exactly it's like oh benson's here oh stabler's undercover and he's getting sucked by two at once tough job i take it home with me sometimes

i got nine kids yeah stable your life's so hard you gotta fucking you gotta watch child porn and hang out with live oh wow sign me up yeah exactly so oh yeah emmy's pissed i'm bashing stabler does she watch the new one i haven't watched the new one does my wife watch the new svu what starring stabler yeah she probably does right do me a favor and use your fucking brain for once i didn't know if she cared i didn't know if she was fine just living in the specific time period that was uh 2008 to 2014 the glory years of svu uh but yeah i guess it makes sense that she would enjoy it i haven't watched it your guess it makes sense that she would watch her favorite show when they have new episodes

and they bring back the key character no i just i just want to make sure i'm understanding you different cast different time it doesn't always doesn't always translate she could have gotten turned off after a couple episodes is what i was yeah uh wondering about yeah they brought back stabler and she was turned off she's hard as ever yeah we didn't have to fucking put down some plastic on the couch whenever it came on the couch smells like whenever emmy watches svu the couch smells like swim trunks the day after you use them but you don't let them dry in the dryer that's that's how the couch stinks how it stinks uh so but yeah there's crazy prostitutes just out there and they're active they're getting in and out of cars salma zaki gave me a ride home last night and they tried to stop her and she was like no thank you but you guys look great no thank you do your thing

yeah hey keep it up girls hey no one's here to judge. And also, I think they might be a special kind of girl. If you know what I mean. Yeah. Yeah. I think they were. I think they were special girls. Street toughs. Yeah.

Raised by the Bay. Yeah. They were tough. Locals. Uh-huh. I think they were think were any of them bigger than you um they're all on giant high heels yeah i mean none of them were physically bigger than me because you could have taken all of them yeah i could have beat the shit out of those pros but it would have been a hate crime if you know what i mean i think i think these were i think these were the girls 2.0 if you know what i mean girls plus yeah they were girls who like to have a cold beer and go bmx bike ride appreciate a good set of pegs

yeah yeah they're girls who also have some money on the eagles today i mean i know i know that being yes i know that like transitioning obviously uh typically you change your your your personality to become more feminine but imagine just like hanging out with like a super hot lady who had big tits put in and she also is just like god the fucking browns got a cover on the flats what's going on over here play some fucking defense you know yes well cis women are a girl cis women are allowed to like football too i don't know if you know this yeah it's not all yeah in your house boys like football and girls like svu yeah emily's doing matrimony right now patrick's gender fluid so he can do whatever he wants but i think patrick's i

think patrick's fucking balls deep in some gender fluid right now if you know what i mean come on what what what do you want what don't what me bro don't what my wet nasty so oh my god uh it's about to get nasty here i had to choose between letting the dogs out and letting my browns cover the flats oh god fuck you're one of the worst guys you miss me you're one of the worst guys there is are you going to choose between shitting and letting your dogs out and i let my dogs out how does that make me the worst oh i thought letting your dogs out was also code. No, no. Oh, you're saying I jazzed instead of plopping? No. I jazzed when I had to plop?

No, that would be the worst, dude. Emi, what are you doing right now? Are you looking at Japanese customs? I booked our hotel in Kyoto. Kyoto. Don't say it like that. Don't use the voice. We do the voice in this house. We respect all cultures.

Kyoto. Osaka. Kyoto. Kyoto. Kyoto Saki. Oh, mama. Mama. She puked up a rock yesterday so that was a fun dude let me do the same thing this morning

i woke her up and i was like let me i'm home and she was like just granite came out of it a rock yeah yeah it was wild megan found it she was like look at this i was like what the fuck you were like it's not mine that's mama's no but uh so i was walking uh i love the walk in san francisco as you know i'm a bit of a you're putting in some miles yeah i'm a flaneur all right um and you're a you're a fra tour but i'm a i'm a flaneur and i enjoy taking the city in on on foot you know a bit of a boulevardier as we call it in the community and I walked uh from you know the uh special girls will fuck you a quarter of the city to um the uh fisherman's wharf all the way up the embarcadero into chinatown so as you know i'm out and about so that means i am sweaty all right oh yeah baby even sweaty as hell san francisco

in november when it must have been chilly right i know it wouldn't have been like downright freezing cold but it was chilly right it's all about layers there so like the so my t-shirt's always going to be soaked if i've walked seven miles but uh i also had like a light jacket and a sweatshirt on so i went and i had some chinatown food um and then i had me as i can eat a t-shirt i'm fucking so cold i was freezing because i was just wearing this like you know wet bag of a shirt so i go into a chinatown gift shop and i say to the lady and she doesn't speak any any english no fault of her own all right i'm not mad at her for that i don't speak mandarin you know i don't speak uh clementine i don't speak citron so i'm in there and i say do you have any big t-shirts i need a big t-shirt and

she nods um and she takes me over to this pile of shirts and she pulls one out and she finds a 3xl shirt and on the shirt is a morbidly obese dumpling it's like an anime drawing of a dumpling and it's smiling because it's full of its young i guess it's like it's been cannibalizing smaller dumplings and then on the shirt it says what yeah so there's a word balloon that comes out of the dumpling that says yum yum so full right and she points at the shirt and then she pokes me in the belly and then she points back at the shirt and says you you so i'm yum yum so full you're the dumpling i'm the dumpling prince of chinatown and i bought it because it was the only big shirt I could find.

And then, where the fuck is Lun, dude? I'm sure the dogs are shitting. I don't give a shit. Jesus Christ. Figuring out a new way. Oh, hey Lun, you're back. Sorry, I had to sneeze. You had to sneeze. Yeah, that's right. Well, do you think

you can manage to focus on podcasting for the next half hour or do you have to go count all the taffy in the drawer sneezing is damn near involuntary i tried to hold it in so i could hear about your adventures did you hear any of that cool story yeah what was on the shirt who queefed but in china but in cantonese i don't even want to tell the story anymore there i know the story there was only one 3x shirt available and it said uh gavin news gavin newsom president yeah it said pelosi's husband was a psyop i'm a hammer guy yeah i'm a hammer guy. Yeah, I'm a hammer guy. Pelosi's husband and his gay lover got away with it.com.

No, it said, the shirt was a fat dumpling, and it said, yum yum, so full. It was a dumpling? Yeah, the shirt was a big, fat anime dumpling. I actually don't remember that. I thought it was a cat or something. Okay, well. I thought you told me that it was a big fat anime dumpling i actually don't remember that i thought it was a cat or something okay well i thought you told me that it was a cat let's burn the whole fucking episode down jesus christ yeah you're trying so hard you're laying there yeah because it's football sunday what's up i'm doing listen to this No. That was a good one. She loves it.

That sounded wet, bud. Emmy, do you want to put in your input on the infamous farting on the chair? You don't want to weigh in on it? People really want to hear your side of it. What did you say? I said my side side why don't you come say your side are you busy buying kimonos so you can go to tea services over there kimonos you don't have to bring your own it is it's by okay They provide the kimono. If it's worth a shit, if it's a respectable hotel or bungalow, then they're going to have them. And nice ones, too. We're staying in micro hotels, dude.

We're fucking staying in like, you know. Oh, you're going to bump your head so many times. We're staying in well-lit coffin rooms. You're going to have 18 bruises and welts coming out of every angle of your dome. I'm going to be wounded, baby. have 18 bruises and welts coming out of every angle of your dome baby you're just gonna be wandering around concussed you're gonna wake up on the plane home and be like emmy how long till we get to tokyo and she's gonna say we we took the trip this is the this is the home stretch baby we're going home you ate so many sea urchins, you got iodine poisoning. You got the poisoning.

I'm going to come to on the plane with my pants down, just farting into the bare seat. And she's going to be pissed. She's going to be fanning herself, wearing very complex eye makeup with a bun in. You're going to be talking like Herschel Walker from all the bumps to the head. I'm going to be talking like Fetterman. Isn't it funny how huge he is?

It's awesome. I'm sure various podcasts have covered how big he is at this point. But yeah, he's just like a golem and someone put a note in his mouth and that note was crush Dr. Oz. He's one of us he's like a well guigos are usually kind of small but i was gonna say he's like the biggest guigo of all time yeah he's kind of like the champion of guigos like he's like eight guigos rolled into one he's like a voltron of glows guiglonious man guuo you assemble i had a goddamn guo just a fucking pack of guos in front of me at the airport this morning in san francisco just two of the biggest fattest parents and they both have star wars brand luggage and their kids are eating cotton candy even though we're not at a carnival we're at a international airport and they come into the fucking airport at 3 30 a.m

rocking cotton candy mommy and daddy are shuffling around and darth vader crocs like get your shit together your kid should be on a leash you have an emotional support child put that freak on a leash dog yeah look at you should just be ashamed get your shit together fucking quotas oh there's no shame at the airport it used to be that you had to you had to try to some extent right like except for the um the the red eyes the red eyes i think were a little more relaxed on presentation and then at some point like 20 years i don't know how long ago, it turned into just wear whatever you'd wear to a sleepover, wear whatever you would wear to, you know, to go work out in. Yeah, it's like, yeah, you just came from a church lock-in. Come on, get on the plane. Yeah, there's a lot of that.

You make me look at your kid eat carnival food at the airport? Your little fat kid just fucking munching fair food knock it off the stickiest of all yeah just getting his hands and face sticky as hell and then touching stuff one one of there was two little boys and one of them put his cotton candy on top of the other little boy's head and said i like your wig and he ate his fucking cotton candy fun sugar in one of the best airports in the country in in in a very continental city so i'm not saying i was jealous yeah you you yearn to be free i didn't sleep last night after the show so i just went to the airport um and popped sleeping pills and then just fell asleep on a tiny fella all day

that plane ride i was man blanketing this fucking poor dude it was really bad but i don't care you don't you don't care i don't care who i heard on the fucking plane you're out of my way as long as you're not as long as you're not sticky with cotton candy or funnel cake then you think that uh it's acceptable to crush somebody i mean not crush somebody but like look it's not my problem all right if you don't want to sit in the dumbest shit i've ever heard somewhere else all right that's not how planes work yeah it is if you don't want to sit by me don't buy a ticket next to me do your research yeah yeah it's not my fault dude get on a later flight yeah beat it that sucks talk to the fucking stewardess if you don't want to sit next to me you can buy a

ticket anywhere on that plane you just happen to buy it next to me not my problem i don't care i had a young mother sitting in the middle seat uh home from minneapolis and i thought maybe i was gonna i slept pretty good on the plane and when i woke up a couple times i was like oh god i hope i didn't like headbutt that baby i was trying to lean against the frame the window uh you got time to lean you got time to headbutt a baby but she said she said i did not not only did i not uh molest her at all she was worried about molesting me because she god bless her was able to fall asleep a couple times even though that baby up and ask her did i molest you no okay of course not well because not everyone's a comedian everyone knows

how funny we are so you're like hey i didn't i didn't honk you in my sleep i get curious fingers when i'm knocked out hey tell me this riddle me this batman i didn didn't go downtown on you, did I? Because I know I can get floppy head like I'm Jordan Doll after a few shots of scotch. Riddle me this. Did I diddle your tits? I hope I didn't accidentally help you make a second baby because I'm married and you're doing all right with one. I don't know what your family plan is, but I'm all good over here. I got two dogs and a wife, so I don't want to bring another life into this world. If you didn't want me to wake up inside of you on this flight, you shouldn't have got a seat next to me.

They should do. They should. You should have to list your stats when you get a seat on the plane so people can try and figure out where they don't want to be yeah i'm in it six five 300 pounds sam talent right there in 7f he is going to be a late round pick if he's picked at all there's yeah dude last night at the show this was brutal there was a tiny guy but he was one of those smushos you know I don't think he was actually a dwarf but he was just like smusho

like he didn't have a neck yes it is he's one of those smushos that we've been hearing about you looked over your shoulder like you needed Emmy's confirmation that smusho was real. Emmy, you know what I'm talking about?

Have you seen these kind of like chinless Smushos out there wandering around? Oh, yeah. Emmy showed me an X-ray of a guy who was legit Smusho. Funko Pop kind of a person or what? No, no. So like this kind of thing. Smusho. You know what I mean?

So there's no neck and the chin is somehow like in between their nipples. Yeah. And their arms kind of go up and they're like that kind of thing. They got Pez inside of them. Yeah, yeah, exactly. They're dispensers. So there was a smush show in the front row and I couldn't talk. I couldn't deal with them.

You avoided them. I don't know. I just kept looking over at him and he would look at me like, don't. You know better. I'll bite the shit out of you if you say the crossword. You don't think I know how to put this curse

on someone else? You want your kid to come out of smush show bring it on i'll put you in the compressor i'll put you in the camel clutch my brother's advice yeah so lit legit freak in the front row last night kind of threw me a bit and everyone was my show in there so was he a pod guy he looks like he sleeps in a pod he's a total podman but i don't think he's a fan of our podcast okay yeah he doesn't but there was like five dudes who loved the pod two of them were in sam t-shirts last night and they were sitting in the other side of the front row and as soon as i walked on stage one of them looked over at the smush show and smiled at me like this is what we're here for don't let us down and it's like bro

get him i can't i can't fucking riff on the smush get his ass it's truncated. God smushed him. Now you finish the job. Do what that nun should have. Yeah, I got the fucking penguin over there munching fish heads. Emmy, what's the disease called where you're smushed?

You do too now. She totally knows. She doesn't want me to know. The DeVito's? No, it wasn't achondroplasia because he wasn't necessarily a dwarf. He just had a recessed head. He looked like a turtle who got stuck. What?

Yeah, Becker smokes inside all the time neck minus he's gross shoulders plus now man zero you guys got any cool stories because you guys seen any fucking mashed down freaks out there in trinidad here you guys talk for a minute i gotta piss lun took a break i'm taking one i was gone for like a minute i was pretty surprised at uh the efficiency but and it made me think is that how is that how most people poop they like put it off until they absolutely have to you know what i mean be No, I've thought about this as well. Because most people don't go like right when they have to go. Right.

Even though that's probably what you should do. Oh, shit. We got Spud coming in hot. But I've worked. I've worked with people who can shit way too fast. Yeah. Yeah. What's up, Spud?

I am. Spill. Look, I have no head you're smusho so the other day we had a very nice evening me and Sam and Pat played some dominoes had a good time I won

Sam was all bitter Sam was furious we lost you can you hear me yeah Sam was trying to get some revenge yeah and he's like oh the other day I mean we were doing the coolest thing we're making like the coolest noise and I was was like, okay. And then he pulls down his pants and goes to sit on the chair.

And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no. And then he rips one on the chair and it was so fucking loud. And, Oh, bro, did you just shit your pants? You're so nasty. Um,

and I was, Did you just shit your pants? You're so nasty. And I was insulted because we had just had a nice evening. I was about to go to bed. I was like, can you have some fucking respect for your wife and not just do the nastiest thing you could do in front of me right now? in front of me right now so that actually makes sense because you're saying you're not saying that uh somebody should never fart around their loved ones you're saying time and place if you're in a silly mood and you're farting then yeah maybe you end up bare-ass on a metal chair but in this instance it didn't call for it. The night was a whole different vibe. Exactly. And I was like, okay, that makes more sense.

And I said, no. I was like, no, no, no, no. Just don't do that in front of me right now. And then he did it. You weren't in the mood. Exactly. Hold on. He was doing it out of spite.

But did it sound cool as hell? Yeah, you're saying it was out of anger because he was losing a dominoes yes exactly okay yeah that's also different that's also different than having fun farting silliness exactly wackiness yeah there's there's two sides to every fart i wish you could be the one truth i wish that could have been uh the end of the ep but sometimes the bombshell is in act two yeah i guess it's usually in act two if she knows what's good for her she won't ever fucking run her lips when i'm out of the room again did you hear what she said no she was making a lot of sense well she was saying that it wasn't that you farted because you guys fart you

guys are a farting couple it was that on that evening everything was very nice you guys were having a good time the night didn't call for farting and you were mad about losing at dominoes so it wasn't even like a hey look how fun this is it was like oh she's she's gonna punish that i was pouting because i lost at dominoes you were pouting and then you turned into bullshit i wanted dominoes that night first of all and it was a celebratory blast that was me firing off the cannons because the home team won it don't listen to her unr had a cannon unr and unlv fought over a cannon oh yeah the battle of the cannon that was the that was the uh the trophy the prize that was exchanged man last night um i was talking to this

like young comic and he was like yeah your reputation precedes you. I've heard your name before. And I was like, I was acquitted. And he was like, he laughed and I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't listen to her. She was a liar. And he was like, yeah, it was your word versus hers. And I said, yeah, who's going to listen to a child? That's a little behind the scenes riff.

Yeah, thanks for bringing us the scenes riff. Yeah. Thanks for bringing us into your world. Yeah. Yeah. No, I want the listener to know what kind of fun we're having in the green room. All bets are off. Oh,

my God. The Detroit. Oh, good. I followed your lead. They're lying about being bad at football. And they're on the up. They're trending upwards.

And the New York Giants, what? Because that's where the Statue of Liberty is? No smushos in New York. They're all tall as hell. Be funny if the Statue of Liberty was a smusho. Everybody just turned around when they were getting close. They're like, I'm not going to hang out with a bunch of chicks that look like that. I'd rather go back to Italy.

I need a lady with a nice neck. Not a wobbler. We can't hear you. Plug the thing into the thing. Emmy figured it out. You're not making any noise. Put the thing in the thing. I sent you a tutorial.

How's that? Is that better? That's good. You figured it out. Very good. Well, you didn't miss me saying anything. I was just cracking up in my own joke about the Statue of Liberty being... That's why they call it the New York Giants.

Yeah, it was very good. Thank you. And it's crazy that they called the other team the Jets after the events of 9-11. I like the Baltimore Ravens because that's where raven simone is from yeah they should have yeah she was so popular they should have rode that wave and had her on the helmet instead of a bee she secretly had him it wasn't a secret everybody knew no i mean the disney channel taped him down because they don't like him to really be budding but yeah she had him in a big way she still does well it was

crazy because i was always get home from school and it'd be like okay sweet life is zach and cody fuck only three minutes i always catch the end so i'm hard what am i supposed to do well i had that sweet life of zach and cody and you know those kids are always getting into antics and you got hard at the antics yeah yeah um so then it was like fuck what am i gonna do oh sick raven simone on that's a raven she's trying out for the cheerleading team this'll do this will do until mummy goes to bed and i can watch my boudoir films chicago bears of course, because all the big fat homos who live there.

Yeah, we're a multicultural kind of an area. Yeah, yeah. It's just all the Chicago wide hairy cocksuckers. Let's get a meatball sub and then have you pound my hairy ass, eh? Come on. Fill up my gravy boat. Don't get me started on the Cleveland team.

The Browns, yeah. Bunch of shit people. Bunch of muds. Just mud butts. Don't say that what mud you didn't say mud you said mud muds oh my god bunch of mud folks oh you're such a nasty one climbed out of the sewer hey i've been there for for a lovely weekend and i'll tell you

what yeah you always get homegrowns are all mud folks stop is there a gas leak in your place have you heard what you've said not only in this this very episode but previous conversations and you're mad at me for it's just not mad just more surprised when it comes out of you it's just more of a tickle but it's not ah shit i'm not talking there's i'm not saying anything that's used as a slur what are you doing you just invented one no come on you just came up with a brand new dance. Come on. Usually you call them the Steelers. Oh, no.

Because of the statistics you love to quote. They got sticky fingers. A lot of cotton candy eaters in Pittsburgh. This is a free one. candy eaters in pittsburgh my fucking cheeks hurt yeah we're having fun guys we always do the best when i'm watching football when you're laying down when you fall asleep halfway through for a little bit yeah the episodes are always the best when i'm distracted by football when they're losing money yeah man i can't help but lose money

actually i'm up 800 in the last week which feels good you had that big win that you didn't tell me about you asshole till after it hit you're like look how rich i am it's like i could have piggyback no i couldn't i could have texted zach moss he could have piggyback. No, I couldn't. I could have texted Zach Moss. He could have put in a bet for me. Yeah, man. I'm sorry. I never generate any income for you. Yeah.

What the hell? I'm out here with my hand out. No cotton candy. No prospects. Yes. Calling people muds. But a lot of smushos are also muds dude what is happening what it's play time you're the one that's like oh these ladies of the night a couple of them looked a little funny if you'd

get my drift yeah no shit they were special gals yeah the specialist gals there are that was a lot worse than calling people muds which is just a fucking fake thing based on the cleveland browns emmy i got one for you they're rusty over there in cleveland what are you leaving because i farted oh it's not the mood again oh my god football sunday i feel is the time when you're supposed to be able to fart so i i don't know if emmy's in the right on this one emmy it's football sunday this is the day we rip them that's when you rip go put your dick in a fence and win her back yeah bring, bring her back to that magical time when you got your dick stuck in a fence.

I mean, right here's the hole. Look through the hole real quick. Yeah, don't mind that I'm standing on the other side right at butt level. Just take a peek through this magical hole. What's coming through? We got a Christmas tree in here yeah you stole it yeah stole the damn tree

you stole Valor oh hey I just want to say this people of earth please for the love of God come to my shows in Chicago there at Zany's is that the 9th and 10thany's the uh is that the ninth and tenth there lund what is that date there yeah i'm gonna be there too so they're technically our shows

yeah yeah lund's uh i'm a part of it lund begged his way onto another weekend but yeah i think it's the the ninth and tenth yeah we're at zany's in chicago oh yeah i would love to sell those fucking shows out that would be a nice little treat for me the hard-working showbiz guy four shows friday six shows saturday we gotta sell out all of them or else we get turned into smushos yeah they're gonna compress us they're gonna make a mud sit on our head you didn't read the contract and there is a smusho clause i thought they got adam gilbert you want us to keep our necks then you better come out chicago uh yeah that's gonna be fun dude oh so hey what's the plan for new orleans guys so

this is this is this is the rest of my year so everyone listen up thanksgiving weekend colorado springs colorado all right then it's off to New Orleans. We're bringing Becker down there. The Hideaway in Mandeville is the big show. I might do a set on Friday or Thursday in New Orleans. We go to Mandeville Hideaway, man. That's going to be fucking sick. Drive across that world's biggest causeway and then off to Chicago. All right, Chicago.

There's Zany's downtown. The 19th and 10th over there in Chicago. Come if you're a bear. Come on out and suck off Lund. And then I'm going to be in Amsterdam and Berlin, Cosmic Comedy in Berlin, Detroit House of Comedy, December 23rd, and then off to Madison, Wisconsin for New Year's Eve at Comedy Club on State. Yeah, I'm the man.

Okay? Don't want to brag. Okay, babe? But I'm doing okay all right yeah i'm excited for madison new year's eve great comedy town i've heard a lot of great things i haven't been yeah i've been in new orleans i've been to chicago they're both great madison time to shine baby bringing becker down to nola way that's gonna be fun where are your fucking bibs all right becker yeah dude noel away that's gonna be fun wear your fucking bibs all right becker yeah dude i'm gonna eat everything how about how about uh in many

minneapolis when i was wearing your sweatshirt and i failed to employ the napkin as a bib technology and i got oil did that oil come out i'll bet of course not you stain the shit out of you don't care about my stuff it was a pinhole buy another one i don't care it was a tiny well yeah you're fucking me oil and oh no a gray nike sweatshirt it should should have been in the smithsonian but instead i ruined it forever those are 80 bucks dude you're gonna sell it at auction you're gonna go to antiques roadshow i'm gonna sell you at auction by the bunch of money i could fetch a pretty penny yeah you could fetch a frisbee if i threw it because you're a fucking dog um at uh cheaper than therapy on friday night the bar staff and the guy who runs it john allen thank you Thank you, John Allen, for having me. Thank you, Tim Allen. John

Allen was like, I've never lost a chug off. I can chug a beer faster than anyone. And he's like 140 pound guy who rides a bicycle and like works in tech. He's like, yeah, you know, once in my life, I drank a beer faster than a fraternity guy. And ever since then, I know that I'm the best at chugging beer to ever live so i was like okay well do you want to do this now or do you want to have your heart broken later so all the bar stuff puts ten dollars on the bar so there's like 70 bucks in the pot and then we pour some tecate lights and some glasses and they're like on three all right we cheers and we drink one two three i of course being the coolest man alive crush the beer my glasses on the table before most of them have even gotten their tongue

near the liquid and john's like oh god we gotta we gotta do it again anyway long story short i left that night with like 300 and chuck off money i was unstoppable you didn't lose three I never lose that shit. I lost to Shangula's once because I was trying to I wanted him to feel good in front of Stan Hope. Was it out of the bottle instead of a pint glass or what? No, it was out of a glass. And I was like, Shane, I know you went through a tough thing

because you called all those people muds on your podcast. So I'll let you win this one in front of old man doug huh yeah so yeah man just want to put it out there if anyone wants to chug a beer against the king it's going to cost you a thousand bucks up front and if i lose i don't pay i was really good too there was only one guy that was better than me army nate and he could do the he could do a bottle he could suck the beer out of a bottle in an incredible and not even doing the the swirl that got popular yeah the swirl is the the life hack but he didn't uh need that he just fucking

just hoovered it out somehow it was wild well he crushed people yeah well he never ran into me all right the carolina panzer named after the tank that army nate loved he was a wild man hopefully he's doing all right shout out army nate he's not doing all right his name's army nate he for sure like you know bow flexed his son because he knows. No, I'll bet he's doing good. He's a good guy. No, he's a bad guy. He drank beer, killed all those kids.

He was a smush show. But other than that, he had a heart of gold. He'd do anything for his fellow man. You know who was the OG smush show was our good friend Toad. We're not allowed. The Toad man was OG smush show was our good friend toad we're not allowed the toad man was og smush god smushed him and then gave him a little kiss and sent him down to earth to bring joy hey you know what i want for christmas guys you know we do so much for you guys and we appreciate you especially those of you who listen to the Chubby Behemoth Patreon episodes. Go to Patreon.com slash Chubby Behemoth and join our Patreon for five dollars.

You get a bunch of episodes, an extra episode a week. It's a lot of fun. A lot of people are canceling their $20 subscriptions because Lon sends them bullshit. I keep hearing that. That's always fun. So thanks, Lon. Keep that up. Fuck you. Fuck you, dude. because lun sends them bullshit i keep hearing that that's always fun um so thanks lun keep that up fuck you fuck you dude i want to make a fucking penny off this thing send out some shit besides coasters and use bottle caps and gum you chewed all right yeah well yeah i would uh i would do

that okay thank you i appreciate that i'm not going to because fuck you and you can suck my dick from the back and you can eat my ass from the front you know who's the worst you no i'm actually literally the worst guy i know no i'm good i know a fucking aryan brotherhood members and diddlers and you're worse than them they're good friends they care about their friend being able to profit off their hard work but you're like nah i don't care fuck everyone except for me i'm gonna get mine i'm gonna get my dick sucked everyone else can eat the load it's you you're a smusho how about that you don't have a fucking smusho i got a big ass neck you're only five seven you act like you're a big deal you're smushed no if anyone's a smusho here it's you the fucking wheelbarrow body you walk on your tiptoes and

you're like look how big i am and everybody has to fucking placate you because you wrote a book where you said the n-word 19 times because you're a pig you You're rubbing your hands in your feet. You're on all fours. You clip-clop around. You have hooves. People keep dropping Starburst wrappers and you can still taste the flavor of the candy in the wrapper. Wrappers got fiber. But hey guys, if you want to do me a favor

for Christmas, go ahead and draw a funny drawing of what you think Toad looks like. We will. Pass that on to noah uh no yeah it's hanukkah so we'll leave him alone for eight crazy nights and uh we don't need to we don't need to taunt him with crude drawings of his dead cousin come on oh yeah you're the only better than that you're the only one who doesn't care who they hurt i'm not allowed to have fun i forgot i can't wait to drown you in the gulf of mexico i'm gonna hop on you and just shove your face into the sand until there's no more bubbles do it see if i can my wife's pissed at me because I did the coolest fart ever.

My best friend doesn't care if I ever get to have a slice of the pie. All right. My sister's trans. Everything's difficult over here. What the fuck? Don't out her. I didn't know she had a dick. That's pretty cool.

Yeah, it's bigger than yours. So, guys. Perfect. Perfect's pretty cool. Yeah, it's bigger than yours. So guys, perfect. Perfect. Love you. This was a very funny episode and everyone should be very happy they received it. This just in. Episode very funny

says episode creator. Sam T, you've done it again. Thanks, Nathan. No, don't put words in my mouth uh yeah it's difficult sometimes i put my fingers in your mouth and you suck off all the load guys that is not good talk that's toad talk so that's an example of how not to talk to your friend toad was a naughty boy yeah that's why he got smushed by Jewish God. G slash D.

Yeah. Yahweh. Hey, Yahweh, you're weighing my head into my shoulders because this hat's so heavy. That's what they did. They made Toad wear a very heavy yarmulke. It was a 10-pound plate. That's what they did. They made toe wear, toed wear a very heavy yarmulke. And, um, it was a 10 pound plate.

Uh, all right, guys, let's just good old fashioned fun. And, uh, we will see you all very soon. Join the Patreon or else.