Chubby Behemoth - So Many Hose Baths

Episode Date: January 29, 2026

SEE THE BOYS LIVE - https://www.samtallent.com/     Sponsors: Hims - Support the show & get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care with HIMS @ http://hims.com/CHUBBY     Ridge - Upgrade your wallet today! Get 10% @ Ridge with code CHUBBY at https://www.Ridge.com/CHUBBY #Ridgepod #sponsored #ad     Rocket Money - Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster at http://RocketMoney.com/CHUBBY     PATREON EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth     This week the boys are all together again in Portland. Sam tells the boys about how he double dipped on the MC, got mistaken for someone else, and is bringing back swing this year. Nathan thinks it should come out on 9 11, wants Sam to read it to us, and got accused of wrongdoing in the park.     00:00 I Keep Saying 01:57 Feeling Squirrely 04:17 You Remember? 07:10 This Foot Thing 09:50 Did Some Damage 11:47 Did You Wear A Bra? 13:46 Swimming At Night 16:08 Quit Just Yelling 18:02 Clear Car 20:45 Come On Over To The Buffet 22:22 I Love What You Do For This City 25:13 There's No Way 29:12 Hanging Out With You 35:38 POD 37:41 Underneath A Baby Doll 39:28 Swing Revival 41:51 Clarinet Or Nothing 43:39 Sleep In The Driveway 47:47 Crank It 49:59 Male Reading 53:46 You Have To Sell 10 Thousand 54:29 Pillow Right On There 55:51 That Was A Thrill 57:27 Used One 59:56 Fun With Colors And Shapes 01:00:53 Times We've Cried 01:02:00 Certain Dirty Duo 01:03:43 He's Lying To You     Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   MORE WIDE WORLD: @SamTallent   Pre-Order Sam's New Book - https://www.amazon.com/dp/0593978897/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3I4LOBQ02YIGW&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.k5eCApJdjwVfn7hSelWi5VdRMlVrzKa4zf68ficcjcg.tZZOiI0nB0n3kkWiGAbidMQy5yUS_MkvmEIaXp-LXjo&dib_tag=se&keywords=sam+tallent+brut&qid=1769522903&sprefix=sam+tallent+,aps,181&sr=8-1&dplnkId=90401c83-a6a0-4ad4-999e-ece570a5d320&nodl=1

I keep saying to myself and to you guys, I'm trying to not be as high. And you know what? You guys make it pretty fucking hard. I need an ultra, not a mickleove. I need a pouch full of magic. Yeah, dude. You're the Jonah and you're trying to stay out of the whale. And you're traveling around with two orchids over.

I'm swallowed, man. I'm bush. And I'm bush light. We baline swept you in. It's cool, though, because when you get swallowed by us, at least you get clean. It's like going through a car wash. We said today how, or you said to our bud tender who freaked out, who was stoked, yeah,

to see us that we're maybe quite the stony podcast. And I said, well, yeah, if I'm number three on the depth chart, you know that we're smoking weed. Right. I'm number two, which is not good. That is not good for whoever's number one must be a desperate drug. who needs to be elevated from eye open to eye closed dangerous yeah

it helps the eyes open and it helps him close you need to be studied he's in the zone the ultra zone he's focus he's alert he's accomplishing desks secretly an ad for ultra

great everybody everybody does it there's an ultra pouches I should like to put my mouth my mouth right there. What's going on? I'm trying to look composed. I almost put shorts on and I was like, you know,

keep your work pants on because you just clocked in. I have a double shift tonight. I have a show and a pod. How about the yellow bastard? You guys forced me to do this pod right now. It's like, oh yeah, I guess we have to do one. It's like, yeah, we didn't have a long day of travel and a show. I mean, we didn't.

I came in. You came in yesterday. Number two on the death chart. That's right. Day early, feeling squirly, had a big morning, went to a bunch of stationery slash Japanese bookstores. It was a nice day. Damn.

Nice day. Use my brunt work boots. Had an ultra pouch in. No. No, but that dude came up who was in the front row, and he was like, hey, why are you wearing my boots? Oh, yeah. I was like, what?

You're the brunt work boot guy? And he went, right. Well, yeah. No, you're steel toad. Well, first he said, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but... Yeah, I'm brunt.

But it was... His name happened to be brunt. Well, it was funny that you assumed he was the brunt rep. Well, he said, why are you wearing my boots? Yeah. Did he just own them as well? No. Because he needs steel-toed boots.

He's like, steel-toe, why are you wearing my boots? And I was like, hey, man, we love your boots. They're a great product. Thanks for sponsoring the pod. He's like, what? Yeah, that was... No, I'm brunt. Really funny that you went there.

My name's Gary. You went that way. I'm at work stupid well you know gear check me a lot of people were given a real

uh pans labyrinth because as soon as they left the show and they're gork they're high as hell Portland knows how to party right so they're high and drunk

and they immediately want to hug you and talk to you but they have to go away from you to where the line begins and that a lot of people weren't able to do it they're like well I could just I'm just gonna grab him real quick yeah let me just get a picture though and it's like river yeah a lot of people yeah how's at the RV in event center that's right yeah I really missed up yeah I mean Ian was standing there

like back be yeah well Ian realized it's like no no yeah you have to go that way and they're like no but Sam's right there but this is Sam like I'm seeing him I wanted to get a picture and it's like yeah no everybody a lot of guys want to get a picture. Everyone's getting a picture with the meat man. So keep it moving. Yeah. I got our host tonight.

I like Friday. He doesn't smell weed either. Shout out James. Did a very good job. What's his last name? Like Hetfield or something. Hennibow? Yeah, Scatibo.

Something with an H. But we're in the green room while you're on stage and I came in. He was sitting in there alone. I came in and I did a funny walk and I said, oh oh cool guy alert you know and he laughs James Hartonfeld very very funny

and I was like yeah cool guy alert right you remember and he was like what I remember and I was like yeah yeah you remember from the show back in the day

I said how old are you like 36 I'm like yeah I'm 38 like did you have CBS growing up and he was like yeah

yeah cool guy alert right cool guy alert don't take off your shirt it's not gonna hurt it's the cool guy Guy Alert. You didn't watch that show? And he was like,

I was a CBS kid for sure. Yeah. And I was like, yeah, they had a spin-off. There was like the cool guy alert for the kids club. We had a tornado watch once. But I don't remember Cool Guy Alert. There's a winter storm warning or two. So I'm like, yeah, man, like Cool Guy Alert was huge. It was like on

great sitcom. You don't remember? And he was like, no. I was like, aren't you a fan? And he's like, of Cool Guy Alert? And I was like, of me, dude, I was in Cool Guyler. I was like, I thought you were a fan of my stuff. And he's like, well, I mean, I really liked your book. And, like, your last special was really funny. But no, I don't.

And I was like, all right, man. And then I walked out the little area where you were. Yeah. And they gave it a beat. And then I came back in and I was like, hey, man, you're fucking with me, right? Whoa. Whoa. Oh, no.

You went back for more You're greedy You already got them Double dipped Double bean dipped It was totally If he dies he dies Moment for me

Already spiraling this young man Like a combination of Mandela effect Gaslighting a guy face to face and then giving it a second coming back in and being like you have lost your mind yeah

yeah shout out to archive that guy at the weed shop was very nice Nick yeah Nick I knew he was a real fan when he said oh my god you're Sam Talent and I was like yeah man then he was like oh my god and Nathan I was like yeah Nathan

and Jake Becker's here too, and he went, Becker! Freaked out for Becker? Yeah, more and more. People get all three. That's a big one, man. I mean, you get the whole enchilada? Like that? So this foot thing, I do it too, and Emily's always yelling at me.

Oh, God forbid. Why? That's normal. I'm doing it, too. I'm always, like, tapping my foot. Just get a little out. I had a Red Bull. I'm going to freeze.

freak out. I'm going to scream. At a spiced coke. Oh yeah, that was all right. I didn't hate that. That was very nice of you. Well, what else is new? It was raspberry flavored.

That's the key to it. I didn't know that. It says raspberry spice soda. I just think about that tastes like Southern Comfort. That's all it is. What? You thought that?

It's made Southern Comfort for kids. Yeah. The one tonight? Mm-hmm. I didn't think that. I only had one try of it. How much So-co did you go? go.

I immediately, when you said that, I was in my buddy Steven's basement. Shut up, Stephen. Whose mom was murdered by a pack of wild dogs, which is crazy to just say. But, uh, shut up. No, we, oh, we, we riffed that off pod. We were freestyling it off the clock. About what? Shoot some free throws.

That's the big about a podcast thing. We get in the gym. We riff around. We save the best stuff for you guys. That's why I always record at 1 a.m. It's not 10.30 right now. We're cooking. But yeah, we were talking about someone getting their dick ripped off by a wolf.

No. I said that's what happened to your friend's mom. Anyway, yes. I think it was on the pod. See, that's why we save it. Because it's all on the pod. Yeah. But we're always recording.

But yeah, I had some, God, I must have been. I was visiting Chicago, so we had moved to Vegas. I was probably 14, and I remember hating it. I didn't like it as an adult either. It didn't have it much. But yeah, that first time, I think he had two kinds of Soco, two different flavors, and they were both bad. He was like, no.

Also, I'm a kid. And we didn't mix it with anything, so that was dumb as well. We didn't get Coca-Cola's. I bet no alcohol has predicated more sexual. assaults than Soco. Was 151 for girls? No, 151 was 151 proof rum. I believe.

Bacardi. Oh, yeah, okay. It was Baccarter. Yeah. Crazy round. It was that crazy girl targeting pouch. No, I was trying to think of what the other variety was because I remember there being a grosser southern comfort.

Oh, I don't know if it was vanilla. I don't remember. Yeah, I think he had two different kinds and there was a vanilla crowd. These aren't it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The one got a lot of people pregnant in Montana.

For sure. That pineapple quervo was bad when I was in high school. Well, yeah, but you were listening to a lot of tech nine at the time. We talked about it at that bachelor's get together we had in Vegas. There was something. Your gentleman's retreat. Yeah, but it made us all black out like Xanax. It was every time we'd have that at the party, we'd all black out like we were on Xanax.

Yeah. So I wonder if it was like the artificial thing. flavoring or what was in it that would make us all have the reaction of just like wormwood last thing i remember is parking at the fucking house it was like real ass absence yeah it sucked you probably just drank a shitload of it because it tasted like melted slurpy we did but we drank a shitload of everything and it wasn't like other nights maybe one person would get so shit face they blacked out but it was rare that like you know all 10 of us the next morning would be like what the fuck happened last night no that was like every time me and my friends drank we had no one would wake up and

and be like, man, that was, remember getting home? We'd always be like, we were selling drugs. Usually, where's our car? How are we in Cherry Creek? We got to fight our way home. Yeah, like the Warriors. Chaparral High School, come out and play.

God. Yeah, no, I mean, there was, there were some times where it's like, oh, where's our car in this neighborhood. And you know that the night before you, like, smashed everyone's, like, fucking mailbox. or like got their garden gnomes and like spiked it in their yards and you're just like, hey, we're a different group of rag tag use who can't find the car they left here because

they were at a house party mooning people. Don't worry. Yeah, these Elizabeth High School. Yeah, we got these off our victims last night. We kicked their asses. That's why we're wearing these letter jackets from a different county. Whose bra is this? Oh, it's mine.

put it on it's for my breasts you see what did you wear a bra for during a game football game no I wear uh tape on my nipples I thought I would kill the hair I revealed that I had X's on my nipples after a game when I truffle shuffled for everyone and it was literally the only record scratch moment and I remember like the whole the whole locker room was like united against you No, like quiet, like waiting for someone to decide if it was gay or not. Yeah. Like, you know, like what has happened? We've known this kid since kindergarten and he's got tape on a table. He's never missed.

Yeah, he's the man we all admire and respect him. But now, new information. Uh-oh, this just in. Gay as hell maybe. Breaking news. The biggest question mark in friendship. And then my coach came up and just grabbed a piece and ripped it off. And then like, you know.

someone put back on the system of a down but yeah coach Klein came up and he grabbed it and ripped it off and everyone was like yeah it's all right because I slid down

you know in like movies when they limbo but it's holes this high on the ground that was me through the locker room you're definitely off camera yeah good if you want to see me you can join the Patreon I'm a patron in the page

the Patreon sees everything yeah we're nude there's not just X's on our nipples on the page you guys want to hear this crazy story yes you want to hear this crazy story yes oh my God come with it now dude okay I didn't tell you enough vamping

I told Emily this story Also, Megan's real sick. But yeah. What's, no. It'd be funny to throw it in there before the story. Well, I just got to get one more quick thing before this story. Megan was shot. It's not looking good.

Yeah, we don't know where she is, but. Yeah, some people said that she was going swimming at night, so we're nervous. Sorry, I'm a fan. I go to the air. Swimming. Look, for everyone who says, great, another airport story, just frame it this way in your minds.

It's, we're at the airport more than we are at the comedy club. All right. Like, there's a lot more airport in our lives. It's one of the buildings. A lot of humanity, too. A lot of instances to see

and experience people at their worst, their best. I'm out in the mix with people. I'm observing. I like people. I like the human condition. So a lot of these people go to the airport four times a year.

They're either the one who's in charge and they're freaking out because it sucks because they have a dog person traveling with them or they're the dog person and it's not fun because they don't have responsibility. It's so overwhelming that they've turned into a like scared dog. So they're just like worthless and led by their dick or vagina or both. Imagine this is the office. You're watching the office. We just so happen. We're not at Dundermifflin. We're at DTW.

Hey, everybody. Make sure you come see us at the Emerald City Comedy Club this Friday and Saturday. Right after that, we're going to be in Raleigh at Good Nights for Valentine's weekend, Albuquerque, Laugh, Boston. Punch up live, Sam Talent. Get your tickets and join the Patreon. Please, Becker needs more skank pants that he can wear to his, what is the name of that? at Five Iron Frenzy concerts. I bet you loved them in the springs

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Keeping that hard rod. And I did see the clip. I was there for everyone who sent me the clip of the guy driving into the McNamara terminal at DTW. And throwing his bag at a flight at a gate agent. Check this, bitch. It was cool that he had clear car. So he didn't have to get out of the vehicle to go through security.

That was sick. This is Hertz. Harts donut. Just throwing like luggage out the window. He's Davis. He still does the Hertz joke. Yeah. I got your enterprise right here.

And it was Delta and you were over there. I was sitting there waiting for my bag after the Winnipeg fiasco. So if I was there for like 20 more minutes, I would have potentially been smashed on a World Star video. That would have been a great way to go. Only could have helped my career. Burp loading. So I go to the airport again. Oh, great.

To come here to Portland. This was yesterday. My flight leaves at 7.45. I get to the airport around 6. I always check in Delta curbside. Because it skips the line inside. And the guys out there, you give them 10 bucks. They'll fucking check whatever the fuck you want.

Your baggage could weigh 150 pounds. You hand them your ID with a $10 or a $20 bill. That bag's going. The bag could be kicking and screaming. I could have you in the bag. And they'd be like, oh, it's a heavy bag. Let's quiet the bag, man. A jumpy bag, mister.

They would literally like do what up. They're standing out there in the cold waiting for someone. You know, you have to tip them. So I do that. Yeah, but most people don't want the tip thing so they go inside. Or they're like, oh, my flight's in four hours. Like, I have time. It's like, I want to get in that lounge, you know.

So go up. They've got auto blows in the lounge bathrooms. I mean, if the senator will answer my letter, they have all this money. They're not spending it. So do you see the clip of the guy driving into the table? I didn't see the clip, but I read about it. dude just drives in, hips a shitty. I think it's a woman probably.

No, I think it was a dude. I mean, if I got to put my money down. On who accidentally drove into the airport? I read the thing. I read the article. It was a man? Yeah. I also think it was a dude.

It was a dude having a bad day. And I love you. I'm going to make it worse. Who's cool enough to drive into the airport? Ladies or guys? These guys say guys. I say ladies too. So I go up.

I have my huge. it's what is that bag it's like a it's like a duffel bag oh yeah yeah yeah but a love sack sack a love sack yeah so it's a big square came in the love sack i have oh yeah getting the sunroom getting nude crazy stroke that's the stroke room sexual reticence there's not a place you can sit down or eat a meal in my house that hasn't had nuts or pussy on it all right so come on over the buffet. We're having finger foods for our tenure. I mean, try and use...

Put a saran wrap on everything, every service, and then food. Anyway. So I go up, I have my two huge suitcases. Both of them are overweight. I know that. So I hit the guy, knowing they're both overweight with a 20 with my ID.

So one guy's checking me in. another guy's over here these are both 60 year old black men the second guy over here who's not checking me and he's going to be the pivotal crux of this story he says oh you got your shirts because I check in with him every week

what's in this bag oh it's shirts I sell them at my shows said that to this guy in the past shirt man whatever I got your shirts I'm like yeah man you know going to Portland He got shows.

And he says, man, I love what you do for this city. Okay. What? 60-year-old black man. I love what you do for this city. I am not narcissistic enough to think that he at all means

what he's trying to say to me. I am frozen. Yeah. Like a, like a, like a, Kramer, like a Kramer reacts. Like waiting for him, please. Please tell me what you mean. Yeah, follow up.

Because I don't do anything for this city. For a second, I'm like, well, I guess I do give the money to Planet Ant. That is a nice thing. Well, how would he know about any of? To what? Well, to the Detroit. When I did that show in Detroit, I gave him the money to the theater and to Joanna. Oh, cool.

It's a very small. small meeting he doesn't know about that he has no that's never in no way so I'm like all right thank you

you know and he says you've been doing it for a long time okay he says you've been doing it for a long time and I said like

again what the fuck who is he what the fuck year and a half it's been about a year and a half it's a long time yeah like

that's and again like I'm like I guess I have been here for a while. Putting in the work. Hey, you get older. Every month counts. So 18 months, that's a lot of months. I can vote.

You ask a baby. That's crazy. It's like one of a half of a life times. So he says, you've been doing it for a while. Yeah, now you know, you look like another guy. Okay. Maybe that's what I'm thinking. And I said, well, I said, well, yeah, my wife's born.

He thinks you're Cecil Field. He thinks I'm the Cincinnati Reds Loeb. What? He thinks I'm Bob's big boy. Mr. Matt. So, so far our context clues are. look like that he thinks you know who you I love what you do for the city

yeah up to true you've been doing it for a long time yeah knows you sell shirts knows I sell shirts and I travel to shows right okay so I said I don't remember what I said I'm so fucking flumixed

and he says you and your boy have been putting this city on for a long time that's what he says okay he says that I'm like There's no way he listens to Chubby Beheaval At all

Because you're my boy There's no one else That I could possibly be my boy Who has been putting it on for the city For a long time Your big Detroit guy, me You, Blunt You didn't come that one time

I've been there once I've repped it one time You whacked off in my bed Maybe he knows about the bedwack First one to whack He popped the seal on the bed doing it for the city doing it for a long time

made shirts I made shirts about it sure I was the first one to come so first one to come first one to leave I was the first one to come at and it's my home address when you're selling them

for a thousand dollars all right okay Sorry, this is crazy So this is what we have so far No, no We know Tell the story

I'm just saying Your boy You have any Any fucking idea What's going on No Does he think you're Hold on

Don't do you think What do you think? He's do you think you're one of the clowns Okay So I was like He was like He was like

You and your boy I've been doing it You know For a long time And I was like He's like he's like I know I know who you are who am I I was like who the fuck am I who am I this guy checks me in he gets my driver's license Sam T not this guy not in this instance but in like the past he for sure has had my license numerous times Sam talent last name talent and he's like I don't know which one you are though yep whoa I think you're the violent one uh fuck yeah and I was like Like, you think that I'm one of the insane.

He's like, yeah, you don't have the makeup on, but I know who you are. I know who you are. You're going to your shows. I know who you are. And I was like, no, dude. I said, no, sir. I'm a comedian. And he said, I know some people think it's funky, but I know it's funny, but I know it's hardcore.

And I was like, no, sir, I'm not. I'm not one of the insane clown. They're great guys. I've met them. They're great guys, but I'm not them. Oh, I thought I was helping the clowns go to work. I'm sorry to disappoint you. I just moved here like a year ago.

I have a podcast with a different guy. So when you said that, like walked him all through. And they don't think it's funny at all that I thought it was this mystery. But man, that. Yeah, that would frazzle your brain. That absolutely rocked me. and even more rock was that you guessed it correctly and took the steam out of the story completely no but no no i'm not pissed i didn't think about it i'm high as hell

of course you didn't think about so i was like hmm seager he thinks you're bob seger yeah i was running through all the detroit people i could think i didn't think about i cp because he was a 60-year-old black man right and so i wondered if it was going to be some random ass dude that you look nothing like or it makes it very funny famous Detroit guy that I didn't know yeah no Bill Lambeer you thought you were Bill Lambere

he thought you were Rick Moore he thought you and your boys any of the bad boys they were nuts yeah you know what's the worst hanging out with you hanging out with you

well I was going to say losing your wallet Oh, man, that's a bummer and a half. Oh, man, stuffing your toe. Mondays. Hanging out with Sam Tyler. That's on the list. Dicking around with head cheese over here.

What a nightmare. But yeah, the wallet thing, that's up, that's up there. It sucks. That sucks, man. Too bad there's not. Where's my fucking. wallet.

How many people hear that and flinch? How many people hate that shit? A lot of women who go wait in the car when they hear where's my fucking wallet?

I don't let the car in the garage. Let's warm it up. Jackie where's my fucking wallet? You wash my work pants. Where's the wallet?

She's brushing her teeth again Locking the door Gumbs her bleeding His Mike can't fight his wallet God forbid He just puts it in the bowl On the table that she bought Specifically for the keys and wallet

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after you purchased i'll ask you where you heard about them please support our show and tell them chubby behemus say wow yeah that's fantastic you lose all this weight you're 38 those dudes are 58 for sure 55 yeah yeah i don't know at least 50s yeah yeah i mean fuck we were watching on my tv and like 30 years that's all very good i met that i met violent j without his face pain and he has tattoos all over. It's covered in tattoos.

It's crazy. Yeah. So, yeah, that was my big, that was my big time at the airport. Oh, yeah. White guy, shirts, Detroit. I mean, I get the math. Going to your shows. Yeah.

And he sees you a lot, so he figures you're putting the work in, yeah. You are out there. But, yeah, this is funny. It's so confident. Maybe he thought you were Barnum and Bailey. Or the tent. So that's your big... The story.

Update this week. That's good. I thought I was hoping the clowns go to work. I was helping the clowns go to work. Yeah, no. And clearly, like, I could only be one of them. Right. I'm not the young ripped one.

Not the young, but the small. He's small. He's wiry. It's very strong. Brown. Is he strong? I think I've seen him. He's tall, isn't he?

The Violent J is tall. Okay. One that I could be. Okay. And that was probably maybe part of his... Maybe he's seen Violent J at the airport also, as opposed to...

Maybe... But then why would he confuse you? He was brother Lynch hung. Back in the day. That's funny. It could be. Big. Meach has been showing up in my

YouTube a lot. Remember Big Meach? Mm-hmm. Yeah, he's Becker does. Becker's a meech man. But he thought that bonobos were a chimp earlier too, so. Yeah, I'm gonna keep our eyes on him. Did you?

They're not chimps. I didn't weigh in because they're really closely related and they thought they were, but like before I was a kid, so I have no reason to think that. We are one of the five great apes. The Youth of a Nation. we are we are

They were at the show All of them Fiotie Portland Portland's original Portland out there Portland out there It's cloudy with a chance of Portland out there

Hey if anyone out there makes Plushies or stuffed animals of any kind If I could get a lund I want a lawn I want like a two and a half foot tall No, I want like a 10-inch lund that I can put on my shelf, like a gnome for Christmas. Like exactly this lund. If anyone could 3D print this lund, that'd be huge for me.

Yeah, this is another good fit, new fit. Yeah. Back in the Dickies. We got to go to Pendleton tomorrow. Yeah. You have your big date. What's Pendleton? Woolen Mills.

Woolen Mills. What's that? They make nice shirts. They make them. They're from Portland. Yeah. I got this in the other shirt capital of the world. Burlington.

Yeah, I mean, I know you have one new shirt this year. No, I brought, well. That was last year. That other one I never wear, because it's thick. I don't know if I can wear it tomorrow night on stage. I might have to see if Seattle is colder on stage. Should I put my pants on for the rest of the stuff? Oh, yeah, they're not down here.

Maybe I'll wear them for the Patreon. Yeah, Patreon exclusive. Yeah, those pants are. are pretty cool, man. These alleged pants. I don't even know if they exist. You're not ready. They're so ridiculous.

Are these the Becker pants you got? No, no. You've seen those pants. Okay. Yeah, those are in your bag right now, I think. Those are kind of like your cherry pop and daddy type pant, you know? Yeah. Kind of like a, no, they're more of an Operation Ivy.

They're more of a skanking pickle type pant that you like. You know what I mean? Yeah. Any pant with a design on it says, hey, I want to listen to real big fish and finger you. that's what these pants say I'd be like scoff fans never got past second base what?

Yeah no way I feel like there was a lot of just like honking underneath a baby doll like shirt you know like honking a girl's tank girl titty and then being like

hey baby I came I think that's a lot of ska sex like that's that's a home run it's like oh That's all they have the dance bent over to their boners, don't show. Their wet stain from a dry rub.

Yeah, that's why they're always tucked in. They had their shirts, their t-shirts tucked in so they can fucking... More clean up. Flip the boner up. Just come all over their MU830 shirt or whatever. This guy was weird. My friend is Irish. Yeah.

And he's in El. L.A. right now. And he was like, is there anything about L.A. history I should know. He does meditations for the anxious mind or whatever. He's very big on Instagram. And he was like, yeah, what do I do you know about L.A.? To get to the bottom of this. And I sent him Zutsu riots.

My Cherry Mom and Dad is? And then he, like, hit me up, like, a day later. And he was like, oh, man, like, that song is very powerful. It's like, what do you mean? Powerful. It's like, well, I looked into the history of the song. and it's very brave what those men did to stand up for their culture

and I was like, yeah, but the song is ridiculous, right? Well, yes, but that was very pivotal to them, right? And I was like, dude, that song came out in like 1998. It wasn't written by the Latinos, yeah, in the streets of Bakersfield, no. So that, yeah. And then I had to explain to him how America had a very sincere, very big deal,

swing revival. Yeah And he thought I was lying 18 months Yeah I mean There used to be fads like that Before the internet Made everything last forever

And become niche Oh it's just But also MTV It was it was like They were huge There was the monks Remember the weird fucking like Oh

Yeah that was There was that for like A year or a summer And then it went into like The swing thing And then there was like The monks It was like

An you Monks were part of the Enya. Yeah, right? It was like an offshoot. And the monks were the bigger dance hit that they would like play on MTV. Yeah, the Nia was like VH1. That was like the music that was the soundtrack for that TV show 30 something. Remember that?

That show was a lot of like, who I was like. Yeah. And then there was like the affectation rap for a minute where everybody talked all really weird. Well, I mean, that's just how E40 speaks. I don't think you should be throwing down that. I wasn't doing it great. But no, everybody put that weird affectation on.

And then it got a... But like media, the media companies who ran, you know, cable back then got together and they were like, hey, what's next? Yeah. We think it's swing. We think it's Big Bad Voodoo Daddy. We think it's the Cherry Poppin Daddies. The Cherry Poppin Daddies are going to play the 1997 Super Bowl. sounds great

all right get them out there what's the name mean don't worry about it a lot of people aren't going to figure it out until they're 35 and they're thinking about the music their aunt listened to at Starbucks when it was still cool to be in the driveway

so yeah swings back I'm calling it we're bringing back swing this year I don't think that's true we're going to start doing the dancing no but I want you to learn clarinet Okay. Hmm.

You don't stand-up bass. Damn. I always thought it was so big. You were hoping for a different instrument? No, so, just so big. It's the one that you want, but so big. It's very conversational. Or like drums, like, did you lug your drums everywhere?

Yeah, I hate it. Shit sucks. I always said if I have a kid, they'll never be a drummer. Get him a clarinet. Yeah, a clarinet or nothing. And some suspenders. Keyboard. Keyboard kids were always, like getting late.

Finishing, doing the whole, sealing the deal, not coming quick. They're like, satisfying their partners. Going all night. I'm like,

Jeff Cleveland. Yeah, Cleveland. I get out from behind fucking go outside to smoke one of my cigarettes, steam rising off my body, just standing there wet like in a fucking

you know community center parking lot somewhere in new jersey just like oh man let's get some pussy clay reeking steam rising maybe i take my shirt off after the show some girl comes out oh my god you are you guys are so great where are you from color ah ah oh you're tall you know clay's like that's right you can't hear play was always yelling after shows girls would come up and be like oh my god you guys were great do you want to come to our co-op and he'd be like what Six foot six screaming at a woman. Ansar bleeding from playing bass guitar. It's so crazy.

We thought we were ever going to get late. I'm sure I've talked about that. But I remember so many times we would go to a show where we already played or it was at Oberlin for like the girls' like school. And we'd be like, dude, we're getting late tonight. And then afterward just like loading our gear in smelling terrible. Clay's covered in blood. Taking our weird touch mic masks that we'd make out of old phones because Lightning Bolt did

it. like those are like hanging off of us and being like so where's the after party and people are like you can sleep in the driveway you guys can sleep in the van in the driveway my mom will be home at seven 30 drink from the hose dude we took so many hose baths in people's front yards all the time and like not asking either like hey man hose me down in the van like putting the shampoo we only had shampoo or conditioner just all over your body and be like all right man I'll hop out you hose me when you'd spot a hose random hose?

No, like you'd sleep at someone's house Yeah, yeah, okay. And their mom would be like, coming home or their girlfriend was mad. So you had to be out by like,

you know, sunrise. So he'd be like, all right, man, before we leave, it's fucking hose off. At the time we were hosing off and this late,

this girl's boyfriend came home. And he didn't know that there was a punk rock show at his house the night before or whatever. And he gets out, he's like, what the, who the fuck are you?

Oh, we were the band. She was like, the band. Fuck it. I can't remember her name. He's like, the band. Janice. He was like, went in the house to leave men

hosting themselves off in the front. And it's like, clearly this has happened before. Another fucking band. Yeah. Yeah, one time there was a kiddie pool in Lubbock, Texas, and like, we, we slept outside because they put us in this, like, garage, like, shed where the show was. But it smelled, like, dog piss in there. It was so bad.

So, like, we, like, slept outside in Lubbock in, like, May. And we woke up, and there was, like, ants all over us, and it sucked. And there was a kiddie pool. And I was like, fuck this. And, like, just started filling up the kitty pool. And then it got full. It took forever to fill it up, like, an hour. And then the kid comes out and he's like, hey, man, you guys got to get the fuck out of here.

Like, whatever. You guys got to go. I got to go to work or whatever. Pops are coming. And I was like, dude, can we just, I got to call. clean off. Like, I'm covered in ant bites. We had to sleep outside because your shed smells like dog birth.

And there was, like, you know, a 19-year-old punk and like me, Clay and Joe's band. And I was like, we're going to, we're going to clean off. And this kid just, like, begrudgingly, like, watched us bathe in a kitty pool. Like, wallowing, like, dogs and pigs on our backs. And he's like, come on, man. I'm like, I let you crash in my house. And I was like, we slept outside. I'm covered in bites.

Yeah. And I was all worried they were rat bites. I was like, fuck, I got rat bites because I played for 12 people in Lubbock. You thought that you, what, you were so blackout that rats could have nod on you and they wouldn't wake you up? I don't know, dude. I was always worried about like, he was freaking out. A needle in these squats we would stay at.

Because in Philly one time we woke up and there were just needles all over the ground in the room we slept in. Oh, no. Yeah. It was like we went to bed. Like we found a place to sleep in the weird house. And then we wake up and there were just fucking needles everywhere. Like it was great.

We slept in a fucking shooting gallery. We all have AIDS. Fuck. That's when we had a singer. The rats, the rats bit me. And I got pricked by these syringes. It was so bad. And now you're novelist.

Yeah. You sleep in the best hotels in the world. That's right. The dossier. Dossier. Yeah, that's pretty on the nose, isn't it? A nice hotel called The Dossier. I'm not a spy.

I'm MI6. Yeah. This isn't a Lecar novel. I'm not sitting by the window, like watching through a spyglass. You should start doing that more. You know what they should start doing is going to, why don't you just go ahead and Google or look up Sam Talent author on Amazon and see if you find a little.

pre-order link right there that's right brute the next novel from me sam tallant september 22nd from random house you can pre-order it right now get the hardcover pretty sick pretty sick crank it manage your finances and forgotten subscriptions with rocket money rocket money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions monitors your spending and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Rocket money helps you set goals and stay on budget by giving you personalized insights on your finances, see all your subscriptions in one place, and cancel with just a few clicks. I mean, that's that easy, right? Are we allowed to talk beyond verbatim on this one? Sure. Oh yeah, Rocket, I love this thing. I actually, I actually used it.

Did you find that you were blowing it big time? I was blowing it not in America, but I was Blowing it on a service that I signed up for to watch a certain sport that I love on Sundays abroad. Okay. And what's his name? Yeah. It was, oh, I can't say the name of it. But Kevin Ryan from Mario Garbage was also signed up for the exact same thing. When he was in Germany, he wanted to watch football.

And we were both taking it in the A to the tune of $220. A month or total? Totally. Yeah, that sucks. I didn't know about it because I signed up. like three years ago. So they got me for 660 and then these people went to bat for me.

So yeah, I can actually verify that if you signed up for a very, very strange subscription service when you were abroad so you could watch America's game, they'll go to bat to get that back. Well, I'm excited to try it. I haven't tried it yet. Rocket Money's dashboard

makes it simple to manage checking, savings, loan, and investment accounts. Rocket Money gives you a clear view of your finances on one screen. Yeah, and it's cool because you can put your bank accounts in there from, like, if you have like a Chase account or like, sorry. You have an account at one bank and a different bank. And then like, let's say you have some investments are over here. You can put them all in one thing so you can like see like what you're doing.

Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at RocketMoney.com slash chubby. That's rocketmoney.com slash chubby. Rocketmoney.com slash chubby. You're done. I think the book is coming out at the same time as Mr. Beast's book that he wrote with James Patterson. What the hell? Yeah, I didn't know about it.

This is a very interesting nuanced thing happening. I'm sure I've talked about it. Who's going to save male reading? This great fucking trope of the masturbatory literary salon. So it's like, who's going to make guys read? That guy, I say Crosby's writing like dude books. Those are cool. But no one, like dudes don't read.

because all the books are about like, you know, a feat men trying to get their synth band off the ground in Brooklyn in 2007. All these books are just, remember the comedy by Tim Heidecker? So it's just like everyone's writing those books. But it's just like, you know, fucking dudes who went to good schools, but they're bummed because they don't live in the right part of Manhattan, like all that shit. So I don't know about you guys, but.

Bored guys being bored. Yeah. It's like, oh, I feel too much. So here's 300 pages, and I went to the Wrights MFA program, so now you have to publish it. Anyway, Mr. Beast wrote a book with James Patterson. Right. Not the comedian from Key West, the famous author, who did something with his life. I was in Key West last time.

James Patterson, the author, and I was like, yeah, yeah, the guy who did something with his life. He hosted. It's like James like walks like out of the back. Like comes out and she's like, oh man. Yeah, then it turns around, goes back to the swinging door. Put his hat on. So yeah, Mr. Beast wrote a book and it's kind of like his beast games. It's pretty much his fucking like slash fiction about if his beast games was actually how he wanted it to go.

Oh, which is he was jigsaw. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, it's like, you know, it's pretty much his biography. Yeah, it's the guy whose eyes can't smile's vision of fun. It's the reptilian from Casarok, blinking sideways. So he's allegedly going to save male reading because this is a book for guys and it's about like torture in a game show or something. Whatever.

More power to him. I'm glad he's writing a book. People hopefully read it, read more books. But my agent and my publisher, like no one wants to go up again. against Mr. Beast, man. But, like, you're going to sell a bunch of books because, like, people are stoked on your book. They've been waiting.

You'll, like, be able to promote it. And, like, also, like, you're the guy who kind of, like, is actually doing this thing. They're saying that he's trying to do, which is save mail reading. Like, you're out at shows telling people to read books and, like, you're getting books into the hands of people who traditionally have been, like,

left out of the conversation as far as, like, who's worthy for to read or whatever. It's a human. Yeah, who's a human, who's a slug. You're out there deciding. Yeah, you're just in Portland on Wednesday going, human. You've been left behind. Slug, slug, human, human.

I don't know, slug. Yes, I'm slug judging. So I was like, look, dude, I think I'm going to be able to sell books. And if there's only two books being promoted for all of September, because everyone's afraid of Mr. Beast, I'll gladly be the contrast. Huge number two. The other side of the coin. You could have a big number two that day.

Yeah, but that week. September's the worst. They're like, yeah, everyone, no one wants to be in September. But after much conversation, they were like, we could push to January or it could come out in September. I was like, let's go up against Mr. Beast. Put it out on 9-11. It's coming out on double 9-11. Even better.

9-2-2. Yeah, the other one. You have two copies. Sam Talent, Brute, a novel from Random House. Go pre-order it because I have to sell like, they're like, you have to sell like 10,000, by the way, if you want to go to the bestseller. I'll put the... Because Mr. Beast. So I was like, well, can I start putting the, like, the pre-order code on my merch table?

And they were like, yeah, that's fine. Like, okay. It's like a couple, ten people at a time. It's like me telling people to watch my special. Exactly. I would know. You get eight or ten people at a time. It's pretty good.

I'll put the link at the bottom of the description. Yeah. Put the... That's all that the episode is from now on until we hit. It's just a link. So we get to 9-9-9. 99. Yeah.

So that's exciting. Fuck yeah. Yeah, man. You got to let us read it. I will. Oh, what about this? I thought about this like yesterday the day before. You read it to us.

Okay. Oh, yeah. You put us to bed and then when we fall asleep, you go to your room. Yeah. I would. I would read you to sleep once. You have to wake us up a couple times so that we could hear some of it. Once you're good and like asleep, just the pillow right on there.

And then let's quiet this bag down. I'm helping the clown go to work. That's what I would do. After I read you to sleep. Now my Parisians are weighing in on the Parisian dialogue. I found an Italian lady who did a really good job with the female Italian dialogue. And then I have my Marines reading it. And then shout out Travis, Garner Guns.

He was my gun expert. Travis was like, I worked in 911. The 911 call is. eerily real as are the depictions of horrific violence it's like cool damn thanks trav so yeah as soon as I have this like last whack done I'll probably write on it tomorrow Becker honestly nice I have a I have 70 pages left in this like final edit it's the fine tooth edit and it's just yeah I'm gonna edit this in the morning and then I will I know I just hate burning a day in Portland but it's like my last

day I have because I'm going on vacation with Emily That's nice. You know what that means. Fights. Her telling you to knock it off. Putting nuts and pussy on every surface. Getting soaked? Or is that just at home?

You like to play home games. I was definitely lying about that. We did do it on the ground recently and that was a thrill. You hear that at me? It was a thrill. What ground? Hollowed? Yeah.

It was actually Indian burial. Our ass is. Haunt and muddy. Baby, I want to haunt that ass. We're going to wounded knee. We're going to go sitting bull. And my face is the bull. Yeah.

I'm going to haunt your ass. Go to wounded knee to fuck your wife in the butt. Like once a year. It's an assaker. Hey, Sam, what are you doing? Oh, we got to take my turn. Tripped a wounded knee, you know, keep the old lady happy.

Get some gash. Get my gash on. But it's just butt sex. It's a massacre. Yeah, anal sex with my wife. It wounded knee once a year. Where are we at back there? Sorry.

That's all right. That's okay. 48's good, man. Hell yeah. Fuck. I got, I'm just, can't blow my nose? Yeah.

You probably should, huh? Oh, man. Thanks so much There's a whole bunch In the bathroom You don't need Why did you just grab that used one He loves using other people's towels

Rags Was that a towel? That's a towel Don't forget to blow your nose in a towel You're better You're all better You're marching Call me Dave Matthews

And you're the ants I would I would never blow my nose And there's a tissue That someone else used that was a extra tissue that I grabbed earlier. It looked like tissue truthers. And you were like, oh, I can't forget my lucky tissue before I go into the room with all the tissue.

I left it in up here earlier. And I said, I'm going to need that. Oh, yeah, you picked it out. You're like, I choose you. That's a good tissue. Yeah, it's the one at the bottom. All right. You know what I want to get into, sincerely, into all my fucking wastes of time, not waste of time, but just things that could be better, lenses that could be better focused.

I want to make tissue boxes I want to make like the boxes that you put Kleenexes in yeah there's not a whole tile What are you saying You get a box of Kleenex right And then you put like a box on top of it Yeah yeah yeah you want to make those

Yeah It seems so easy It's just like tile glue It might be People might think it's a little too easy Until you actually try and then you're fucked I don't know It seems so simple

It's just a five-sided box, and it's such an easy thing to do to personalize the things that are in your home. I just really want to do that. Lego puts Lego on there. I don't want to tell my wife about it. Because it's just another dumb, stupid thing. And who's going to clean it up? It'll stink. It'll stink.

All the things you make stink. Your shirts, they have an odor. They stink. She came in the basement the other day. It was like, it smells like diarrhea down here. What? Oh, yeah. on the pot for that it was yeah what was that i don't know do you find

like diarrhea no it probably smelled like ink no she wasn't joking she knows what ink smells like she had another lady today bury your face in the shirts and be like i love that smell if you like the smell of ink these reek because there's a lot of fucking ink on these shirts yeah it was when i was setting up it was it was weird that's like the third person that's told me they buy the one they whiff how much she did i feel like she paid cash before i was done setting up i feel like such a fraud with those shirts because people will be like oh my god this looks like the work of and then they name an artist and i'm like matisse i don't know who that is yeah i'm just having fun with colors and shapes in the basement diarrhea room yeah the room smells like diarrhea it's pretty cool

i roll around in it yeah i need a big floor to ceiling lamp i need a big lamp so i can see because i can't see what these shirts look like until i'm done with them yeah because like i don't have proper light on them at all so then I hold them up and I'm like oh I guess that's good I've made a bunch of shirts right after the broncos lost and there's a lot of like orange and blue shirts for sale a lot of tears mixed in no I didn't cry no but you kind of did I sincerely didn't cry oh my wife asked if I cried and I said no I'd tell you if I cried she would yeah he would oh Mendoza oh god Mendoza's yeah Mendoza effect oh yeah well we're buying weed we share times that we've cried recently.

That was funny that we teared up. What was the first one? You were tearing up telling me about... I don't want to say what it is, but a scene from Marty Supreme, how nuts that is and how everybody should see that. And then you said...

I cried watching National Championship game highlights because Mendoza's dad doesn't stand up to celebrate because his mom has MS and she can't stand up. Yeah, that's pretty... So everyone is on their feet because their son made this... like seminal play that will be shown for every it'll be in the fucking like 100 years NCAA football is a licensed subsidiary blah blah blah it'll be on that it's such a pivotal moment in

sport and the dad's sitting because the wife's got you know she can't get up don't mimic her hand you know what i mean if you don't know what ms is it's one of the ones where you're trapped you know it can be really bad my mom has had it and she didn't uh get it as bad as you can or chronic. She got it from a toilet seat, right? She got it from working at the MS factory. Can you talk about that? That was so funny.

No. I don't know. Blind item meant. Well, yeah, it was, yeah, yeah, yeah. A certain dirty duo. But what was the other thing we teared up? I guess it was mostly those two. That was the two things.

The emotional thing. Tell the funny story you said. What did I say? My friend that lives here has breast cancer and things are going fine. So far, so good or whatever. And she, I said, I figured, you know, hadn't posted about it. It would have been more concerning if you had said something. She's like, well, yeah.

But I figured you caught it early. She's like, well, yeah. And also where I work as an ultrasound tech at, breast or you know at a clinic at the hospital cancer center yes and so she was on top of all of that and I said well maybe you got it there from being from working there that sucks so sucks you think you got it from work is I can hear it all because you're on I'm next yeah I'm in front of you in the car and then you said later on yeah because you work at the breast cancer you got it when you work at the yeah breast cancer factory

When you're the four, man, you're going to catch a couple of strays. Yeah, you're going to get some pepperoni on you if you work at Domino's. Oh, yeah. How about this? Jesus. I held up a piece. I wrote while I was driving. I almost killed us because I had to get this joke in.

It said, send before and after. Oh, yeah. When I met with my friend, we sat a couple blocks away from here from the dossier at a, like, square, you know, that had. had tables and chairs and people coming and going. And so we were sitting there and it was fine. There were a couple people, guy like, you know, arguing with himself, left. I was like, thank God. But then he came back.

Still, still yelling. I was like, ah, shit. But he was leaving us alone. And then there's this young lady that puts her backpack on a table near us and walks, does a lap around us. And as she walks by us, she goes, he's lying to you. and I laugh because it's like, all right, you know, like, no. And it's a funny thing to say. She's like, oh, you think it's funny.

And I was like, well, yeah, no, this is not what's happening. I'm not, this isn't a first date. I'm not an asshole that's lying to her. We have been friends for a long time. So it's like, you're so wrong. But yeah, she thinks when I laugh, she thought I was mad. She's like, oh, you're indignant. And I was like, no, I'm not pissed because you name.

nailed it or whatever. And then she said, shut up. What a psycho. And I said, I think I laughed again because that was a good follow-up. She was on fire. How about shut up? And I said, oh, all right, well, I guess we're going to leave.

And we left. But yeah, she got my ass. He's lying to you. And it's such a big swing, you know? That's nuts. Like, yes, often men lie to women. But, man, you biffed it this time because we're just catching up. You know what else was funny?

Old friends laughing. Old friends is having a laugh in the square. Chearing our lives. Catching each other up on our husband and wife. She has kids. On our breast cancer. You should have been like, she has cancer. She has breast cancer, asshole.

Come on. Relying about that. You M-U-83, bitch. She skanks. Go away. He's skanking, do you? Yeah. He's skanking.

What about beautiful Tuscanny's there And we're talking about him doing house shows Yes He does all these house shows I wanted to hear about bad ones Because he doesn't post about those So it's very cool, very novel He does all these shows

You know, he hit him up He'll come to your house It's great, I like it a lot But I was like you have to be outside a lot right And he's like yeah And I was like that's my only issue With the house shows He's doing 90

He was doing 90 alone So low He doesn't have a host. So I was like, yeah, like, how do you start the show? How do you initiate? Very funny. So I'm sure he nails it. He said, how do you initiate the show is when it's time to start since you don't have a host?

And he's like, well, I have my like go-to lines. He said, shut the fuck up. Everybody. Everyone, shut up. The show's starting. So shut up. Hey, that guy that we're all here to see is here. Or the, yeah, back to the backyard.

Yeah. Back to everybody. And you start clapping real hard. him fast. They're like, all right, show. It's him. All right, show. Showtime.

Is that Zach Tuscani? Into the microphone, though? Oh, my God. That's the guy. I just figured if the worst thing... Shut up. He started a show for strangers. Hey, shut the fuck up.

Real quick for an hour. Everyone quit talking to their friends. If one of the worst things about doing stand-up is encountering drunk people, it's not like that goes away at a house show. But I think he was saying, for the most part, You know why you're there. He's literally, hey, everybody, it's me, some guy. No, everybody knows.

I know you all know each other, and I've been the guy lurking talking to Linda for the last half an hour, but... I don't know why you would think it would be a prank or a secret. I think one person there is a fan, and then they have all their friends over and they're like... But they tell him. They tell them. Hey, Linda's throwing a party, man. We're going to go over there. We got a bunch of kegs, man.

It's going to be absolutely crazy. We're going to pull up at the back of the trucks, man. We're going to fucking play some tea paint. It's going to be lit, man. Let's get over there now. And you get there and you, like, have the keg. And you're like, Linda, you're doing the first keg stand. Hey, who's this guy with a Van Dyke beard?

What's he talking about? I don't know this guy. He's probably here to fuck all of our wives, right, guys? He's a dog man. Yeah. No, I'll bet they know. But it is funny to just think. How do you get into it?

Mm-hmm. If, oh, he was saying, too, like, if the host, if the homeowner, if the person who knows everyone can say anything, that must be huge. Right. But then if they decline, then you're just a guy who has to be like, all right. What, you ring a bell a couple times. Ding. Those snappers. Oh, you said a handful of snaps.

Yeah, that's pretty good. Shoot a gun off. Who's ready to laugh. Goodbye. all right