Chubby Behemoth - Soft And It's Your Problem

Episode Date: January 17, 2026

SEE THE BOYS LIVE - https://www.samtallent.com/     Sponsors: Factor - Use code chubby50off to get 50% off your first box, plus Free Breakfast for 1 year at http://FactorMeals.com/chubby50off     IndaCloud - If you're 21 or older, get 25% OFF your first order + free shipping on orders $89+ @ IndaCloud with code CHUBBY at https://inda.shop/CHUBBY #indacloudpod     Ridge - Upgrade your wallet today! Get 10% @ Ridge with code CHUBBY at https://www.Ridge.com/CHUBBY #Ridgepod #sponsored #ad     PATREON EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth     This week the boys are all together in Texas! Sam shows Lund his search page, doesn't believe people can write on rice, and explains the plot of an insane rom-com to the fellas. Nathan only got mad playing games by himself, is glad he didn't grow up with internet, and remembers being shocked because it looked like decent sized burrito.     00:00 Narrow Fellow 02:32 Billie Eilish Trailer 04:08 Mama Plugs 06:53 Stop Stunning Me 10:36 Twister Right? 12:15 Your Brain Is Bad 14:07 You Eat The Shells? 15:34 Single Grain of Rice 18:15 Sweet Baby Ray's 21:21 Lizard Was Burned 23:07 Fold Up Real Small 24:58 Picture On The Wall 27:12 Mark Cuban Style 31:27 Lesser Bateman Vehicle 33:57 Titular Switch 37:30 Getting Examined 38:40 I'm A Big Fan 40:06 Human Zoo 43:29 Too Much Yogurt At Lunch 46:18 Blind Elephant 49:01 Tye Dye Bandana 53:44 We Got A Good Thing 55:41 Mentalist Lund 56:51 Blind As Hell 59:21 I'm Off The Leash     Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth  

What am I saying Of this gold for? We were waiting to get set up. Yeah, I just sat down. Well, hey, thanks for joining us. I'm Sam. Are you maybe I guess? Yeah.

A little pleasure to meet you. LG. This is the guy with the hairy legs. Narrow fellow. Narrow fellow. I'm all gassing and pain. I had to take my belt off. You look ludicrous.

You have plum socks on. You have fucking Robin Williams' legs. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And you're wearing one. The Henderson's. Yeah, God. And I can see the Henderson's.

You can't see them in the barrel. I'm playing magic this episode. Better not. I'm going to play magic. Better not. Come on. It'll be fine. If you narrated it, there's a handful of people that would go bananas.

No, it would be the same thing as when I made you smoke all that weed. There were eight people that was like, yeah. What if the Hesher was also a goat? What if God was one of us? There was eight guys that were like, God, Becker's the luckiest man alive. Yeah. Look at him. Look at him getting high.

I am the luckiest man alive. Yeah, you really are. I used to say it was Sean Jordan. The woman at the movie theater did stop us from saying cool shit, like when the lady that sat near us when we watched Marty Supreme. We saw Marty Supreme earlier. Yeah. And it was great. Awesome.

Go see it. A lady sat by us and you got mad because you thought she broke some kind of code. Well, hey, there's plenty of seats. Seat map code. Yeah. You don't look and say, oh, yeah, well, there's fucking three chodes. Three loads spread out over six seats. She didn't see pictures of them.

I also didn't space them out. I did eight, nine, ten, like a idiot. I know. I should have done seven, nine, eleven. Yeah, but they might have been like, they have to be together. I think they frown. Yeah, they would have blocked it. There was no one there, though.

There was, what, nine people in the whole? That's my issue. Hey, bitch, give us a row. How about that? Like, just move down one. It's the same if a guy sat in front of me. I'd say, hey, dick on the inside. Will you move?

And she didn't sit like dead center. So it's not like she was being a stickler about her view because she was like two left of center. She sat in front of me. She was away from a couple. So she was aware of that. And then. Yeah. I don't know.

I thought it was fun. Well, I thought that she should have given us a row. That's what I say. But I can't remember what else I was going to say. about her. Shit. Why don't you remember what you thought about it?

Because you didn't mind that she sat down because she didn't have like a big march. But she interrupted us doing. Oh, she wasn't Russian. She wasn't Russian. Yeah. Yes.

The Billy Elish trailer. Oh, yeah. Her jersey said hard and soft. I said, mine would say what? Soft and soft and soft. It was soft and soft and soft. Soft and pissed.

Soft and sorry. Soft and pissed. Soft and it's your. problem. Soft and shut up. Shoft and don't tell anyone. Yeah. Soft and sorry.

Her James Cameron concert film. Yeah, where she misses her brother, but her brother's there. He shows up anyway. Look, she posted a very, very cool photo recently. And I'd say, keep it up. You know?

That's what I said. She dumped him? Becker. That's not objectify. This person. A person that's in the late 20. I'm saying that there's a cool photo that came out recently on her main feed. And you liked it.

I liked it. On the Chubby Bee Insta. No. I think so. And then it got tattled to me on the Patreon. Yeah, which is like, Hey.

Oh, I think he's doing bro code. Hey, fellas. I've been here before. Right. You're in your Chubby B page, but you're liking shit.

Hey, like Billy Elish's cans. All I got to tell you is get a fucking life. Because what the fuck are you doing? You're monitoring who. Who's liking what? Anyone can like Billy Elish's music, what she's done for the culture. You know, her embracing her adult body.

I think that's great. It's more of an empowerment thing. I stand with her. You're a good guy. I'm a good guy. And look, who's running around saying, hey, someone's liking. You shouldn't be liking pictures of women. You're married, Senator.

Oh, my God. You're a married man. Yeah. Allegedly. Hey, Lyle Hardy. I've also seen people be like, oh, yeah, I saw that you follow Mama plugs. And I was like, yeah. Mama plugs.

She's a pretty lady, content creator. She's a porn lady? Yeah, porn, video game streamer. I don't know. I'm not hip. Hey, I don't follow any sexy stuff. There's nothing on that I follow sexy. My feet is all fucking legit.

There's a couple. There's a couple. There's dudes. There's a weird hybrid where there's women who screen print who also have them. So like that one, they get me. Every now and then I get got by this lady with like a fucking buzz cut who's printing down in Texas. And she's letting them slide. And she's letting the ink glide.

So yeah, that one catches me every now and then. But otherwise, it's like, hey, check out my phone. Here you go. Take my search page. Really? Yeah. Now here, let me show you. I'm playing magic.

A lot of violence. Hold on. It's all AI. It's all Simpsons AI. Let's see. You're just prompting Simpson's. Look, here we go.

Make them smoke weed. Right away. There's a guy with a giant top hat. That's cool. The only woman is Sarah Squirm. And she barely, you know, Becker. Again, you can't look at my screen. You're showing the screen.

Yes, to someone. To someone here. Yeah, look, there's not a single, like, nude woman, butt, tit. See your pussy through her. pants. That's like Amel and the sniffers. Right, that's live music. Rock and roll. I like this

guy. I got sick of him. Eating like the president. You don't watch that? No, I mean, this shit's crazy. It's on there for you. It's crazy. Oh, look, there's a lady with boobs but she's talking about cashmere, which I'm into Kashmir. So I think that that's a pass. That's an accident that she has them.

She's wearing a long sleeve sweater and putting on a coat. I don't think. And now she's brushing the jacket with a brush. of this stuff should be fine and then it's funny to be like well you look at it do whatever you want to yourself to it but don't like it don't support it yeah you can't go around tapping don't leave a footprint that says hey this is fine there's it's not a chain he's homage there's no nudity at all yeah no no Robbie Hoffman doesn't have them at all

mine's all nudity lost them in an escalator accident it's wrestling and chicks oh my god yours is probably so horny it's well it's just new it's not a lot of bare skin a lot of bad tattoos between wrestling and sex work. Yeah, yours looks like this guy, Kyle Mainz, older brother's room. Content creators. Yeah, Stone Cold, Gianna Michael. Oh, dude, it was so fucked. Side by side.

Like, you walked in this kid's room, I'm 11, there's just like... Gianna in a vest and jean shorts. No, that would be awesome. Boots. No, that's my room. Stone Cold also in the same outfit. Stone Cold, yeah, sitting on a day. No, he like, he cut, like, the head off of some lady from jugs.

stunning me and I'll sit on. Stop no selling me. Everybody against Stone Cold, they're like, God damn, I guess he's not selling shit to me at night. Yeah, it doesn't hurt when he stunts. His back hurts. He's like, oh, fuck, my spine. He's like an inch shorter after the match because no one's selling.

He just has to keep stunning people. He does one off the top rope. It really hurts himself. Do you remember? In the old WCW NWO on N64, you could, Diamond Dallas Page could do the diamond cutter off the top rope. It was sick. No.

Yeah, he'd put him up there like this and then he'd grab him like this and run and drop them. It was sick. He wasn't doing like an RKO, but. He wasn't getting up on the rope either. Did you guys play that game? Like a shitload? Yes. What was your best finisher?

What was the best finisher in that game? I don't know. Come on. I know the answer. I know the. I know the answer. I think you think, and I have thought at some point, that Steiner, the Steiner death drop, Steiner screwdriver.

Well, that one's sick, but no, it is a Steiner finisher, though, is the right answer. The other one where he just grabs you and falls backwards? No. The reverse Frankensteiner. What's that? From behind. So they're looking the wrong way. They're looking out at the crowd sitting on the top turn buckle.

Okay. And then you give them a Frankensteiner. like you would. But usually their faces forward and they flip and land on their back. No, this dropped them right on their fucking head. It was sick, dude. In the game.

Yeah. In the game and you'd be like setting it up. They're facing out. Yeah, they're facing out. And then they get the reverse. They just killed them. They started calling that a poison run, uh, from the back. That thing,

hitting it from the back. Should not be legal for a little boy to do to Joe Hatfield over and over and over. To spam it because I knew cheat codes. Yes. Just like, dude, that game was. about if you hit the stick like you would use do your like you know your taunt so like you would go outside of the ring you would like throw joe into the side of like into the ring post he'd be down for a seven count you're just spamming just over and over just Kevin Nash over just doing the arm

so the time he gets up you just get to drop him man you'd drop him with a fucking outsider's edge or whatever you were building up to and then win by count out so at seven he would get up up, you would boot him, you would hit your finish, get in the ring, count out. He's so pissed. Because now it's Sophie's turn, because it worked every time. But is that more, it's more winning than having fun. Oh, yeah, it's just beating him. So competitive. That is the fun.

I'm four years older than you. Look what I can do over and over and over again. Oh, you want to be a giant and I'll be Ray Mysterio? Who cares? Check this out. Reverse his Irish whip because he's trying to do it to me. I do it to him. He's out.

Furious? Furious. Because then it's time to play Mario Party. I only got mad playing games by myself. So I don't think anybody got to see outside of my family. That was Twister, right? Well, he couldn't play with the other kids because he kept squishing them. You had to play Twister on a separate board by yourself at the sleepovers.

I thought of tornadoes. And I was like, what? No. Spitting around in the basement with the lights off. That's Twister. She's chilly lays. Just hitting the shit out of each other. Whirling dervish.

I mean, the game because you were in there and your butt kept coming out. A kid fell into my crack and got sick. He was allergic. He almost died. But just a mold.

No, I was not. I was pretty good. He was a child about being clean. Remember getting fucking anxiety? from the idea of playing Twister. I didn't play it enough. Or when I did, it was fine.

I don't remember. Probably it was drinking, so I didn't care. Didn't have any real awkward encounters. I'm talking like a boy girl party, like six or seventh grade. Like we're going to play Twister in the basement. I think we ever.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Pulled out Twister. I was stoned and confident. Oh, no. No. I was like, fuck, I'm going to sit on like Nicole Simpson's tit.

Like, I'm going to fall. and like... Stuff on our head. Yeah. It's like, how can I like accidentally

slip and fall into someone's pussy? You're like planning sex crimes but really like it never happens. It's terrible. Oh,

yeah. It's a terrible thing to do. I don't know. I mean, dude, when you're 11 or 12, 13, your brain is bad.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I do not. When you were also more full-throated internet childhood,

I think I'm glad I didn't see it all when I was real young. Dude. I wasn't seven and had seen it all. Like people. The jaded detective. Younger than me.

Fucking finishing a cigarette. Saw some fucking shit. Putting it out in like a tomato. Fruit roll out. Yeah. Bowl of cereal. We saw some fucked up shit. I remember one time,

Chad, my buddy Chad's fucking modem got hot while we were like looking at like awful shit. like animal stuff like 10 years old Jesus yeah he was as it was at his mom's work like horse stuff

horses and a lady or the dude that died just Mr. Hans just everything that was available oh god yeah that early internet was bad because like you wouldn't even be you'd be like trying to play a game on fucking like e-bombs world

and the next thing you know you'll like click a link in a forum and it's just like I mean I don't want to say yeah it's yeah it won't help the algorithm it would describe it's not even the algorithm it would probably bum someone out really bad yeah like I'm not I'm not the business of that on this comedy podcast no it's like some of the shit that you would see it's like you can't riff about it no you can't even talk about it you know to remember not to forget yeah I'm trying to I mean I can't forget the shit but god I mean you know snake was involved oh yeah

gangy gangy microwaves you talked about that on the pot yeah yeah that's like a contemporary

you know like did the shells tonight did you throw them away eat the shells pistachio shells uh no I don't eat the shells

bro did you throw them away they disappeared you throw them away I threw them away oh no so Taylor brought in a trash can and was like

if y'all move that bag I'll get those shells and we're like we'll get them and she was like let me get them so she did it kept them so here's something

put them in her pockets Yeah, she said I had to sign all of them. Thanks, mister. It's like writing my name on a greener rice. Hey, everyone, make sure you come out and see the boys live doing stand-up comedy. My God, we're going to be over in Seattle. Portland, the tickets are almost gone. The second show is like 99% sold.

The first one's got 65. Portland, helium, right there at the end, Seattle at the end, Winnipeg, right? I'll be up there. Solo Dolo. These guys can't get in. No peg. Too many DUIs. for both of them. So they're not making it up

there, but then we're doing Raleigh. Oh man, fucking Valentine's Day and Raleigh, bring your sweetie out and let me woo her. Let me prime that pump. Let me go verbally, of course. Hands off. They'll be out there for that. You can meet Bonzo at the show.

Bonzo will be there. He doesn't live in Raleigh or anything. Albuquerque, Boston, laugh Boston. Those tickets are flying. Go to Punch Up Live. That's from my website is this year. And join the Patreon. Patreon.com slash show of Bohemia.

So many great episodes. Thank you. Wow. Do you guys receive that as a kid? They'd be like, this Japanese man wrote the Bible on a single grain of rice. Yeah, like Ripley's, believe it or not.

What are we fucking talking about? Yeah. I know a lady that did it in Vegas when she was younger because I think her aunt did it. I can't remember. But she would write people's names. And make the little tube necklaces or whatever. Yeah, and it's like, hey,

You didn't. You didn't do it. It's a lie? How? How are you going to prove it? I could be like, okay. Because they put it under a magnifier. Hold on.

Here we go. The ones with your name would be in like water or something that would magnify it. Not on their neck. They're not drawing the picture. They're using. It's not a caricature.

It's not a caricature. You like snowboarding? On rice. Everybody likes snowboarding. You make their nose or their chin really big but it's on a grain of rice. There you go. You're eating an ice cream coat.

on a snowboard. That's me all right. Oh, I ate you. What the hell? I ate you. I'm not just saying you. I'm making you into energy. Give me $35.

That's how it works. $35. No rice. Cash up. Yes, no rice and no dice because you ate it? I would be there as a boy watching Ripley's and this man wrote every president's middle name on a grain rice. I'd say, no, he didn't next. You just don't.

Not. You just go, I don't believe it. No, I don't believe it or not. They'd use a series. Go up and be like, check it out,

sweetheart. I was in Coney Island the other day and I got all of my favorite Springsteen lyrics written on this grain of rice. Carry around a fucking microscope. They usually are laid

in a tube that magnifies it. I got a tube for you. Show it off immediately. Magnify this tube. Yeah, guys used to hand grind watch gears. People can work on incredibly tiny things.

You were on your machinies. Yeah, but I didn't have to like look in and do it by hand. Yeah, I was setting a machine. And you have to, you have to pee every day. Similar operation. I pee freely. What? Oh, little things?

Yeah. Like writing on rice. Writing on rice, yes. Uh, I got some rice for you. Oh, baby. What happened here? Oh, it says time to play magic the game. So I'm on an airplane.

Okay. I know. My. I believe it. The steward. Well, I was very late. I did a late flight, blah, blah, blah. But I was bumped up to first.

I'm up front. And the steward, there's two flight attendants. Oh, yeah. Both of them. Fanciful, full of life, Bon vivant. So I think homosexuals. one of them is a beautiful black man the other one is a white fella who's from Wichita Falls which is near Dallas he tells it to a lot of people

are you going to Dallas he's doing he's doing this kind of voice the who shoot oh baby he's doing that kind of like you know yes sweet baby Ray's sweet baby race he is laying it on thick he is he is ribs and turkey next. Yes, he is that kind of guy. Or he's born born from the dirt. Southern dirt.

I'm not from Dallas, but I'm from Wichita Falls. What do you know about that? What you know about Wichita Falls? So like an old woman? Like, what do you know about Wichita Falls, girl? Yeah. And he's a 42-year-old guy with frosted tips. And he's not skinny. He's not fat. But that best is not flattering. And he's

walking around. Here we go. Every time he brings a beverage or gives you a napkin or whatever. Here we go. Here we go. I must have heard him click his tongue before my sleeping medication kicked in 50 times in the 20 minutes.

Here we go. Because we were delayed, so he's peppering first class with just drinks. Yeah. He's throwing fucking shooters of people. Here we go. All right, baby.

All right, you're going to land ready. You're going to land ready. And there's another black flight attendant right there. Yeah. And, oh, this is the wrinkle. Pissed. They're not a team that works together. We were delayed because our original flight crew wasn't available.

So these are two guys they called in off the bench that don't work together. Because usually when you're on a flight, they're a crew. They know each other. These are Charlotte-based flight crew, Rebecca, Dominica. They're all homies. These two guys. No. A couple of outdoor cats.

Yes, thrown in one cage. Oh, man. No bells. And he's experiencing his new friend doing the voice for the first time. And the guy is doing it like more than anyone should ever read. on your first day with a new co-worker. That's all I'm saying. I like a guy letting his freak flag fly.

I think he might be from the dirt as my associate Lund here alluded to. But man, you can't get to work and be like, ooh, what a. Ooh, what a up? Oh, how are you? Oh, we working. We working today. If you're just like a chode guy, just a chode man?

Dude, honestly, if you shaved your beard and lost 40 pounds and had to wear a vest that was still too small, you'd look like this guy. Frosted him. Yes. Frosted him. Just going,

here we go. Ooh. Like a lot of, like a lot of, like at work going, ooh, it's crazy. Damn. Yeah.

I mean, it's a great, it's a great, you want that guy. I love those characters on in living color. Exactly. Yeah.

I love this guy. He's great. It's just like, you show up to work. I love this bar. You know? It's crazy. It's a crazy thing to do.

Yeah. Like, I don't show my true colors to people ever. like my sense of humor like right away if I'm meeting someone right rip ripping it yeah I guess when I did that commercial Emily reminded me because Eric Poe the owner of cure automotive insurance is all over the television for football and he keeps popping up and Emily's like were you like rude to that guy first time you met him I was like now I told Tommy Pope something really rude about him and Tommy said

oh that's my friend yeah No, I guess. But you're not going to share it now. Well, there was donuts. And like, I was going on. No, he, he, he's like a fucking, I bet he's 1% body fat. Oh, God. He looks like some kind of like, if a lizard was burned, like, there's no fat in his face.

So it's just like, aerodynamic from running 840. I run so much. Anyway, he's like lean. And he comes in and he's like, hello, I'm the owner. I'm paying all of you. And we're like, all right. Yes. Yeah, like if George Takai was doing that voice.

I was trying to do Jerry and George. Oh. I get it. Yeah. Hello. La, la. Yeah, you know. Hello.

Yes. Seinfeld. Heard of it. Mm-hmm. So we're eating donuts. And Tommy's like, hey, Eric, have a donut. You know? And I'm like, yeah, right.

This guy hasn't had a carb in 20 years. And he says, 23. Whoa. Damn it. Oh. Yeah. Good guy. I'd kill myself.

Mm-hmm. but yeah i don't think you can do the voice just like right away that's my point yeah there's other dude was like pissed for sure or no i mean i think i think i think it was so authentic to his character and also i left my little fanny pack behind on the flight so i was like fuck because i knew what was in there you know what two things are traditionally not on flights is a gun and a big uh-huh and a gigantic porno mag that i fold up real small it's laminated and it is smut. It is bad stuff.

You think three's a lot? I got five. I got quad pussies. No doggy style is six boobs on a check. Yeah. The new D.S. The nipples are what does it for me. Nip fibbing is what that dude did to you with Billy Allen.

Oh, nip snitching. I mean, I don't even know. I just like her music. support her by liking her fan pages that make her nude via AI or whatever. I would love to support her.

But yeah, I left my bag on the plane and when I went to get it, he came out with it and was like, someone left this on the plane? I was like, that was mine. And he went, oh, you're going to have a nice weekend. He opened it up. Yeah. For sure, you know? But you want that guy

to find it because that guy. He likes to park. Yeah, he's cool. He's hitting the ground. running. He's doing the worm off the plane. He doesn't like weed. He likes powder drugs. Yeah. He likes a dance. Right. Yeah. Not that I had weed in here, but he was hoping to find poppers in there or something.

He has some AML. No, he just, he's a VCR enthusiast. I got a dirty VCR. I'm gonna blow into it. Just that's literally how he thought. I know that's gaked. I haven't came in 23 years. He's always buying Duster, but

keyboard is gross as out that was one of the best interventions was that I think I might have said this already but just the girl that would inhale duster from like Office Max they like had her picture on the wall because she was buying them out yep

she'd be all she'd be like talking while she was all fucked up on it she was terrible man she really bummed me out it's fucking hard yeah her eyes were all bugged out and she just sucking on it I've also said

Watching intervention and hoarders was fun until you start to just feel bad Yeah it makes you sad The hoarders are all like Yeah after my son died I just didn't give a fuck Oh my God I decided that every G.I. Joe I saw

Was coming home with me. Ted son But then also yeah like a bunch of newspapers And rancid milk and shit It's like sun died so I didn't go in his room So I couldn't put anything in there So now every life magazine That's ever come out

in my house. All in your junk mail. You never know when you're going to need it. Yeah, it stopped. It's bleak. Yeah, the toilet people, those people who were saving their turds.

Oh, God. No. Becker, come on. Oh, fuck. Come on. This is nothing compared to what you were talking about earlier. You guys grew up in the internet age. You guys saw all that when you were four.

No, but just that. Your first words were Bukaki. Yeah, but those people all had dreams of making money or getting free drugs or The person collecting their own turds just thought they had developed a new system. Their wife got in the car accident. Right.

Well, it looks like I need every newspaper ever. If I can get a hold of a bunch of newspapers, that might bring her back. I need them this tall. I just started ordering Chinese food and I'm not going to start throwing away the cards. Those are mine. Extra menus, please. Hey, menu. Can I get some more menus?

Yeah, it's tough. Yeah, stop. You know, I was there I was playing softball, and my twin brother got a lion drive right in the chest. And now I just need, I need to have a bunch of trucker hats. I need every room full of trucker hats. That's what, that's what Darrell wore. If I get enough, no head will go cold. If your New Year's resolution is to eat better, check out Factor.

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We haven't said that we're... My baby drowned in a bucket of pain. My baby thought the paint was Her favorite slushie And now I have all these brushes So I can keep the paint away Yeah that's a bummer

That shit was always a bummer Paint the fuck away Yeah A lot of great art in this hotel It's a crazy fancy hotel We have like five HBOs Yeah That's always a sign of something nice

I saw a lesser Bateman vehicle Last night He watched the whole thing. He stayed up. Yeah. Yeah, I always laugh at the randomness of what HBO will show you. It's not like the biggest movies of the last seven years, which would make any of those would make the most sense. But yeah, the switch from 2010.

Here you go. Yeah. And it's, maybe it was it good? I mean, it was fine. It wasn't great. The whole thing is that he's resentful that his friend wants to get pregnant and it's not that he gets to fuck one into her. seemed like the premise. Well, yeah, but like he, like, so

seven or six years later, I don't know, I don't know, the timeline was weird. But anyway, she winds up having a child. Oh. She has this, like, six-year-old boy. And he's very similar. He's very, like, you know, neurotic, like, Bateman's character.

So, like, it's kind of like, oh, maybe it's his, but how could it be his kid? Yes, he's a little guigua. A little silver spoon. and so yeah so then it's like revealed how many you got in there? Shut up. No.

So Goldblum is like the sage character and he's always like figuring out ways to play piano in the movie. Yeah. It's very strange. I have six in right now. Six sin. I'm doing a 36, 48, 23. Only a few five, three.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to have the bed springs creaking. I'm going to have the booty hole leak. I'm going to have the hose We're about to be in Seattle. That's where some Mixerlalaw was from. Yes.

He's dead, right? I don't know. Are you going to finish the job? Can't remember if he's alive or dead. Mixalaw? Yep. What were we fucking talking about? He's a talking head once in a while.

Come on. It was good. Yeah. I'm trying not to just like moan. Puk and shit. Yeah. No. Your stomach's in a knot.

It's like above my stomach. It's something weird's going on. Lay down on the ground right now. and pull your knees to your belly. Okay. Come on. Yes. You have gas?

That's what you do. What if, oh, put a mic by the butt just in case. Oh. Don't point that thing at me. You know why I left last night? Oh, sorry, so the movie. The premise is that he has,

he has some kind of, the kid. Do you know what the switch is? The titular switch? She got a random sperm donor, allegedly. No, he switched. He jizzed in the cup

and got her pregnant against her will. Yes. That's the switch. But it's his kid. He switched it at the sperm bank. Sure. Yeah, I didn't see that part of the movie. What were you doing? Jerking on? No, I wasn't paying attention. I think it happens very early. Well, who knows? I should be right now, though.

That's a good idea. That sucks because the early part of the movie is him being like, no. Get back on the ground. It's not going to happen. Around Armadella. Throw your boat. But he's a huge bitch to her that she doesn't want his sperm. It's him like being a cunt at parties and being shitty.

bars and being like really bad to his best friend. He's not a good guy in the movie. He switches his cum in her. Yeah. He has. And then she's... And then doesn't help at all for six years. Right.

And like, are they friends for those six years? No. So he resurfaces and she's like, oh, you're here to tell me that you love me, right? Because I love you. And he's like, no. No, bitch. Are he crazy?

He's loving. No, bitch. You're old. And he likes young women, of course. But anyway, yeah. So then at the end, he's like, by the way, I switched the cum. he tells her dude and he tells her

when the guy who is really good to her and like comes into her life while in the absence of him he's about to propose in front of his entire family literally in the movie to a different woman

no oh her new guy the new guy's gonna propose to Jennifer Anniston yeah well no when he stopped I thought he was saying Peyton was going to propose to someone I think your crystals are misaligned so when this guy's about to propose he's like

I switched the cum the cum was mine uh yeah you're allowed to not like me and she's like never talked to me again and he's like seriously that's my kid yeah

and then and then fucking uh did you not hear what I said about switching the cum the movie's called the switch not going anywhere I wanted to call it I wanted to call it switch the cum come

Guess who's moving in? Because he's coming inside you. Yeah, so he's pretty much like, but he's mine. That's my boy. Yeah. But Natural Born Killers has the boy in the other room because he has lice. The kid has lice. That's a pivotal plot point.

So Jennifer Lewis, is that her name? Juliette Lewis is in the next room hosing down the boy. When he's like, you're my cum. I switch. you're my com. Come here, boy. Yeah. You're my com boy.

Anton Pinchon has to drag him out. Perfect stranger drags him out. Yeah, for sure. Let's get a totted in here. He switched the com. Yeah. Jonah Hill shows up.

He's like, are you the guy you switched the com. The guy he was proposing is like, can everyone quit saying switch the com? Yeah, it's a weird movie. Whoa. Damn.

Yeah, literally he switched it. I went upstairs last night, though, because I was really high and you were really high. We were all very high when we got back here last night. I'm laying on this thing. And the whole time I was here, you were like right there or standing up, you know? And I was like, yeah, I had to go because, like, I was just sitting here that was getting, like, watched.

I felt like I was being examined. No. You didn't know anything wrong. I was high. So I was, like, weirded up. Yeah, but also, it made more sense to be closer. Well, I know. We could have gone through all we were talking.

Well, no, then we wouldn't have been looking at each other as much. It made sense to congregate over here, I thought. It did. But I was a little getting up because I was high. Yes, you were. Had the move around. The move around. Yeah.

The mess around. I was doing the mess around. You were dying over something over here. You got me real bad. Made my eyes hurt like I was tripping. Not hurt, but like closing my eyes and laughing so hard that it felt like I was looking at fractals. I thought I was going to kill you. The prank call stuff.

Oh, God. We talked about that in the pond. Yeah, we did. Yeah. You were telling me all the prank calling stuff. And then, oh yeah, it must have just been the timing of the zoo coordination. I didn't talk about the recent. one because we haven't potted sex. No, you haven't, but you've talked about the idea of it.

Oh, dude, Susu calling my sister and being like, I don't know how to prank call. I don't know how to prank call. And I'm like, just yell at me. Like, you know, just pretend it's me or yelling at. She's like, I can't. You talk. And then Sophie answers the phone. She's like, hello. And Susanna says, I ate too much ice cream. And now I'm in the hospital. Then there was the other one where she prank called me and said, is this Sam Talent? I said, yes. And she said, I'm a big fan. We all lost our minds. dude her fucking her cousin Emily's cousin calls and is like what are you guys up to or now we called her Susanna prank called her cousin and she's like okay hey Susu

the guys prank calling huh we're like yeah we're prank calling and also earlier I taught her how to give me a tornado DDT that's right yeah and she's selling the shit out of it she also knows how to do stage combat choking and hair pulling even if I don't have any hair right sus her she's like it doesn't matter you grab the wrist. So then she's like, oh, well, me and Sadie, you're playing Scrabble. Sadie's six. I was like, yeah, you know, we're all doing different stuff,

huh? Different ways to raise a kid. It's another way to spend an evening. Scravel tournament. Lame. Hey, it's great. I mean, Sadie's fucking smart. Those kids are so smart. Sisu's just different smart. She's praying phone calls smart. But I popped her fucking brain the other day.

Oh, yeah. This perfect storm. Oh, shit. So I receive a text. It's police car, purple devil face police car. Now that's not that the sheriff is horny for me from Hannah. That's not Hannah telling me that the sex police are coming to put me in handcuffs. That's Susanna communicating. So I, all right, Suzanne's been picked up from school.

I'm going to call Hannah. I call Hannah. She says, hello. I said, hello there. My name is Connor Govna. I'm calling from Adelaide, Australia, on the other side of the world. Oh, wow, why are you calling? I'm calling to let you know that I heard you have a little monkey girl who's been monkeying around and I want her down here in my human zoo.

Susanna in the back seat. Oh, no! No! Hannah, at the same time. Laughing, so hard. Just both of these women who I love. love the opposite ends of the spectrum is for how this should go. Well, what do you? How did you hear that I have a monkey? Well, I heard the principal said that she's

been monkeying around and I want to take her down here because she's a bit of a chimp. No. Hangs up the phone. Okay. I try to call back. No answer. I call back. Finally, finally, hang it up, hang it up. Hangs up again. Finally, Hannah calls me. Oh my God, Sam. Oh, Susanna, I hated that. That was so funny. Oh, because when she got in the car, I told her that her teacher told me that she'd been monkeying around too much in school. And I told her if she didn't calm down, I was going to have to put her in the zoo. So when you called, she thought that you were actually the zookeeper calling to take her away from me.

And I was like, fuck, hey, and what the fuck? So now she's scared. Perfect storm. Yeah. She wasn't ready. She wasn't ready. It's so funny. You're blowing her mind.

Well, because she, you said that she has clocked you a couple of times. Yes. And she loves that, like putting together that puzzle. Yes. It's so funny because, yeah, she's imagining that this could be anyone that's called her mom. I know. And then it's not. It was you that whole time.

I know. Yeah. But it's so funny, too, that like she's still so young that she understands that she likes making people laugh, but sometimes she does not want them to laugh at all. Oh, yeah. No way. she's being super funny. Yeah.

It still isn't. Yeah. She's just so new to everything. Everything is new. And I'm fucking really not, I'm not, you know, a good starter, like, as far as goofing around. Yeah, yeah. She's getting it with all of the barrels. Yeah.

Both triggers. I'm fucking putting her fist in the beehive. She doesn't even know where honey comes from. She's no idea. This dumb little person That I get a prank all the time And that she had just gotten in the car Gotten threatened in a way that was probably

Like ha ha mom's funny Yeah And then immediately got a call from a zookeeper Right Her kid brain Just flying out the back of her head Just fucking Exploding on the back of the window

My God No I can't live in Australia That's so far away I hate blue I'm not a monkey I ain't been monkey in.

She's a strange person. I'm just a child. What don't you understand about childhood? It's a sacred thing. Baby's so cold, who's Susanna? I was doing Jim Ross. I'm Jim Ross.

I'm coloring. I like to color. God damn it. My God. I ate too much yogurt at lunch. Now I'm a new pair of sweatpants. Susanna ate too much LeBna at lunch.

And now her pants are wrecked. She has to get. go to the nerds. Oh, God, she's walking back to the nerds for a second time. She wrecked her own and the backcum. But the second time it was just for laughs. She knew. She knew she got to go back to the nurse.

Running from the janitor. We had such a scary janitor. We had a total lurched janitor, man. I, like, barely remember him because he was so scary. Damn. I just thought about him. Yeah, it was like perfect typecast of like creepy, scary murderer janitor guy. Yuck.

Yeah. We had like a stud at my first elementary that we all thought was cool. And we had great janitors. Yeah, we did. We had Dan Fly. Dan Fly was like an old rodeo guy who like couldn't ride bulls anymore. So he worked at the school and let Andy Quinn shit in people's lockers. Yeah.

I don't give a fuck. You care. I'll get you in there. Yeah, I got to clean it up. Yeah. I think I'm going to flinch. You want to give a shit. Literally like, you know, cowboy buzz cut, fucking pencil mustache.

The lady who like danced on the wrist tattoo. Pete and Pete. Yeah, like tucked in, big chain. Just always like standing there, like watching someone get beat up. Just watching a kid get his ass kicked. Dan flies there. His daughter was in my grade. She loved me.

Yeah, soul fly was his daughter's name. No, so. Call him so. So fly. What was his daughter's deal? Oh, she was cool. Sasha. She was great.

She was very funny. I wore my letter jacket once when it was cold, and her dumb boyfriend, Ryan, came up and was like, take that off. And I was like, she's cold. And he was like, you know what it means, though. And I was like, I don't. I'm not fucking moose. You're not jughead. It's not, aren't you?

No, I didn't say anything. I said, give me back my jacket. take it out he's like this tall he's like yeah you're right this is disrespectful he was an upperclassman I'm gonna tell dan you're fucking his daughter keep the jacket on sasha

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My family. Who worked with a lot of blind folks. Yes. Eileen was there, feeling her way through the cake. Ruining the cake. Yeah. I'll tell you what. We had a Ridgewallet get opened at my families in my house where I, you know, when I hosted.

That thing got stolen three times. Nice. Chris, Uncle Bob, and Tim, who is a. A 20-year police officer and then 20-year security card. He said, now that's a tactical bit of technology. I think I could implement this. I think I could utilize this in my daily life. It's RFID blocking.

It's CIA blocking. The nanorays aren't going to get you. No, I can't get the 5G in my testicles. Pam, you were scared of that, right, Pam? I get 99.3 FM in my fucking skull plate when it's rainy. Listen to WDET while I have. on my bicycle. It's all good.

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they'll ask you where you heard about them. Support the show and tell them Uncle Tim sent you. Tom Baco blasted your ass. Chubby behemoth, the voice of hell. Then there was the other guy, which was,

uh, I shouldn't talk about his son. But anyway, his son was old. me and he always wore a du rag a du rag with like a bandana like a holcogen bandana like a tie-dye bandana what a ton of boys

yeah no Kipp from Napoleon Dynamite like white as well no like little guy with like a tie-dye bandana it was just always pushing a broom around I think it was fried oh damn you seen Reggie yeah no one's seen him in a while

did you see Reggie tell him to call There's a bunch of ketchup in the mop that he's spreading around. The ground's a hot dog, and I'm always hot. Hey, boys, you guys want some rotisserie chicken? Things out of the trash. Yeah. Did your guy ever, like, come at you? No, no, he was just, like, big, and we were small.

Like, I remember him, he was probably not there, K through 6. He was probably, like, K through 3 or something, and I just remember him being very tall. big, didn't talk a lot. Yeah. Might have been like German. I can't remember if he was German or not. But he was definitely like a big dude. I don't know how big.

Because like I said, I think it was when I was very young. I don't like that. I also think, I know I talked about the mystery of like the, there was like a giant turd on the ground in elementary school. Yeah. I think he had to pick that, like deal with that and I was young. God, I don't even know. Nobody claimed that that I knew. And it was like, it had to have been an adult, right?

Like none of us could have done this. Probably some teacher. Yeah. Right outside and just fucking dropped her panties. I don't know. Yeah, it was in the boys' restroom. You saw it. Everybody, not everybody, but like a bunch of people,

well, a bunch of people, including me, got to see it before a teacher caught on what was going on where I like several kids went to the bathroom and like a five minutes span. Yeah. Or just like totally. shocked. I remember being shocked because I said I thought it looked like a fucking decent size burrito.

It was like, whoa. Oh, God. On the ground. Hold the green chili next time. It wasn't in the bowl. I think it was on the ground. Oh, man. By the bowl. And it was some kid who was like, I got this darkness inside me. He dropped trow and exploded.

He didn't know what happened. Well, I guess kids like he was molting. That crazy shit, like not go for a while. Yeah. Kids will just like do Hold it too long. Random stuff like that.

Yeah. Or you eat way too much gum or whatever. Fruit roll-ups. And then you, yeah, you don't have fruit or vegetables for like a week and a half, but you eat a bunch of candy. Yeah. And you're stuck. And then it comes out crazy.

Yeah, I don't know. But I remember being like, knowing that it was definitely going to be a big deal if you got caught laughing at the dirt. And so like I got to look at it briefly. and I was like, I got to get the fuck out of here because that's nuts. And somebody's going to pay. It's going to be. It's going to be huge.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like forbidden fruit. Yeah, this is not. But you saw it. This is not here for a long time. Yeah. So I was just like, whoa. And then bail.

Yeah. I was like, clocked back in. Can't get, can't get the. Yeah, you just get random ass. This is Susanna texting me. You get three emojis in a row. Blah, blah, blah. The cigarette smoking.

Knife gun knife, bomb three. Knife gun knife is good. He saw some pills. Look, the police love bald men. And then I just sent her stop. And then somehow she wrote, even though she's five, he can't spell, oh, no, I'm not going to stop. And I said, she said, I'm not going to stop. And I said, you're the devil.

She said puke. I said, you love to puke. You know, all this. But so then this one was inappropriate. Because she sends me six, seven stuff all the time. And she knows how to search gifts. I taught her all this shit. Oh, yeah.

So this one says. six, seven, but then the man says, how about 69? So I said, that's not good. She sent Locker up, then there. So yeah, it's just this nonstop. Well, yeah, so imagine, because you guys weren't five. No. When the internet came along, you guys were 10.

Yeah. Yeah, she's five, but she's not seeing what the boys were seeing in the day. No. I don't. It's so fucked up. Just how easy that shit is to get to a child. Yeah. She's such a master manipulator.

She's just both. It's just my sister-in-law and my wife condensed down into this little monster. The other day, Emily's always like, you can tell her like, it's okay to give me a hug. And I'm like, we got a good thing going. It's DDTs. I taught her the combo. She gives me the combo all the time, punching the stomach, hit you in the kidney. It's great.

The other day, she comes up and she's like, she hadn't seen me since Christmas. She was so stoked. She ran up and she like Put her shoulder into my side and I gave her a hug And Emily was like oh my gosh She never hugs you I was like yeah that was cool I love that

So Emily was like that was nice to you hug Uncle Sam and then she goes Yeah hold on I want to hug him again And I'm like okay So she runs she comes back in She's like can I give you a hug She gives me a hug Joy buzzer to the back

From the prank kit we got her So it's like right away As soon as she knows that it's a way to manipulate She's trying to shock me this is women she's gonna take your ass I thought she was gonna tornado DDT no

but yeah now she knows how to get me on my knees and give me the DDT she's just like hitting it off the couch all the time but I have to do all the work because it's a tornado

so I'm selling the whole thing yeah it's you and like laying her down but also like taking it on the face as hard as I can make it look good yeah fucking selling the shit out of it

I make it look really good she doesn't know how good I'm making it look either. No, she will one day, though. Maybe if she's still a pro wrestler. She'll remember. God, I want her to go pro. The Walla Habibi Blast, that could be her fucking finisher.

Yeah. Dude, she's ready. She's ready for the big time. So much travel. Yeah, I don't want her to be in business. And also, it's so, yeah, they have all the travel like we do, but they have to be in good shape and run around and look cool. We just have to be like,

yeah you said to walk out I am, you're like, look how fat he is you drunk fucks look how dumb I am yeah what did

what was your mentalist character you were going to do what? You don't remember tonight you're going to do like John Edwards

oh yeah I'm sensing somebody over here is fat and gay you there's just a big fat guy in the front like

everyone can see him sensing someone here is both fat and gay in this general area it's a gift and a curse you should do that on stage it's really funny what are you talking about they're alive instead of death

the spirits it's dumb as up so funny dude how about that fucking what about pretending to kick a blind guy that would have been good God to do it so bad.

But he could tell when I put the gun to his face. Can I talk about him? Yes, please. Because you've been you've been talking so much I feel bad. That guy, blind guy, says to you, hi, I'm going to go sit up in the front row.

Or did Nate tell you? Nate came in and told me all that. So that guy's a comic, this older guy, bald guy, blind to sell. Nate says that he goes to the club, sits up front, makes it out, puts the cane on

table so that you know the comics know that he's blind and so that they will say hey we got a blind guy up here huh why why they set you up front and he's and he says i wanted to see better and then everyone laughs it crush yeah and they said wait you came you came to a comedy show how did you get here and then he says i drove everyone loves it so nate tells me he has all these lines he loves him so he's like I'm just going to let you know, it's a free five minutes. Like it crushes, do it at the end. You can skate. Literally.

It's like how he frames it. Slam dunk. So I told Andrew Deacon, I'm like, I'm not going to do that. That sucks. I'm not doing that. Like, you can have it if you want it. He's like, I'm not going to do it. So I tell you.

Yeah, I said, I'm not going to do. You said if I was bombing. If you hear, if you, you'll know that it's not going well if you hear me setting him up. Dude. Yeah. I'm not going to set him up. I'm going to pretend to kick him in the. face.

Not even saying anything first. No, you're just like at the middle of the bed. Yeah, I just pretend to blast him. Then to throw water out of. Hold up a match

where you're like another thing about Uber. It's like so crazy that they won't let you sit up front. It's like, why won't they let you sit up front? Fire? Is that a math? A sweet one? right over his head you're pissing over his head

that joke will be on where he was behind yeah they'd love it though you think you could get away with that yeah but you were like I'm not gonna fucking talk to the blind guy and I was like yeah all right but it'd be really funny if eight minutes in you just hear you out there oh sir is that is that a cane

blind guy huh are you blind so yeah he's on comics unleashed tell us about being blind man I'll tell you It was hard for me to get here Took me a while Because I drove

And it's just nice to be under the lights You know So I can see everybody really A little bit better Everyone's losing it He's killing Byron I'm feeling Pretty on Lee

That's your game plan Oh I can't wait to get on there You know Tell some dumb joke Crowd loves it And you're like I'm off the leash Yeah, but no, I went out there

And I didn't, I didn't, you know, set him up I said, what did I say to him? Sorry, I went out there and blah, blah, blah. The only thing was just like, I guess you're blind or something. Blind guy, yeah, blind guy, they told me you're. Do you say he was a comic? I was like, yeah, he told me you're a comic

and you stood up front so you can get your whole, you know, all your great lines. Right. Yeah. I'll bet you have a lot of great bits. Yeah. And then just kept it moving. Yeah, it was funny.

It was like the worst thing to do to him. He literally sat up front. He was like so excited. That's a weird thing. Sold out room. He wanted it. It's not really fair. You're some, you're some, you sit up front because you're a hack?

No, it's terrible. So, I mean, we're rewarding some other bad behavior too. Hey, we're bad guys. No, it's just hard to. It's hard to tell some. somebody to please shut up, leave, stop. No, thank you. He wasn't that handy with the cane.

I watched him feel one of those. He didn't walk right off a cliff. Not quite, but you know the dividers they use? What are this thing called? Oh, the rope. The stanchion? Yeah, the stanchions. He felt one.

I watched him do it, tapped the shit out of it, and then walked into it like it wasn't fucking there. Excuse me, ma'am. Hit it hard. Like, it hit him in the thundions. because I was like, it's going to get his dick. It went right at his thigh.

I thought he was really going to beef it. I didn't know you were a dwarf, ma'am. I'm sorry. It's nice to smell you. Excuse me. He went over to Sandbox VR and wasted a hundred bucks. Oh, yeah. Sandbox VR with a mannequin outside, the VR thing.

Anything goes? No, just the mannequin dressed like the Steve, And Maya Hawk, Robin from Stranger Things, that aoy, the ice cream. Oh, yeah, that's good. And it's like, go to second base with 11. What's going on in there? What are you selling, Sandbox VR? I want to go in and ask for the snow wife.

I'm like, can I get the snow white? He gets sucked off by seven dwarves. Like, well, she had a vagina. All right, lick it. I don't care. I want seven of them. It's virtual. Make it my reality.

Excuse me. Oh, you're in the dress. You're sleeping beauty? Wake me up, gentlemen. No kissing. It's just the kids on. You just see their hats? You just see seven hats down there?

It sounds like a didgeridoo. There's a little head. You only tell the difference because their hats are different colors. Why are your hands like that? Because I'm like in like a pod, I think. It's sandbox VR. So I'm just, what was that? Privacy pod.

Yeah, yeah, just use the card on file. I'll take another two hours. What? Yeah, the temperature's fine. It's fine. Now if you'll excuse me, this dress is by. the hour. That'd be fun.

What time are we at? We've got like four minutes left. All right. Thank you guys for listening. What a wild round. We're going to listen to some ads and see you soon.