Chubby Behemoth - Space Or The Mountain

Episode Date: April 13, 2025

SPONSOR: Turtle Beach - Level up your game and get 10% off @TurtleBeach with code CHUBBY at https://www.turtlebeach.com/CHUBBY   BONUS EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   This week the boys are in Embassy Suites in Lexington Kentucky (the good one!). Nathan is more Mounjaro than person, thinks about DDTing a child on the reg, and must have been getting laid when A Goofy Movie came out. Sam wonders what Venom smells like, accidentally bullied a man for three years, and tells us about going to Disneyland.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Mutiny Coffee: [e-mail]

recording so guess what these aren't long enough we need a Goldilocks situation because we had ones that were way too long I love the long ones I never had to tie them up these are too short yeah you didn't have to deal with them no it's literally in my contract I don't touch a fucking cord unless it's plugged in or wrapped around your neck during a comical violent incident now we're plugged in we're turned on. We are coming to you live from, that's right, the embassy suites in Lexington, Kentucky where... The good one. The good one, yeah. We're not in fucking Frankfurt. Get a real capital. Kentucky wants its their own

way in every way possible. We don't want to be a state, we want to be a commonwealth. Okay, what's that mean? It means you don't have to be 18 to buy a gun. Okay. It means you don't want to be a state. We want to be a commonwealth. Okay. What's that mean? It means you don't have to be 18 to buy a gun. Okay. You don't have to be 18 to be considered an adult. Yeah. Sexually. Oh, especially sexually. Uh, what's libertarian paradise here? For sure. People live in the woods and they bring those, uh, you know, the things they learn out there in the, in the moss and the pine and they bring it back to the big city and they say, Hey, are you half white and half black? Not on my watch. You son of a bitch. But they're actually like purple. Cause they have like silver poisoning. You know about those guys?

They're blue and purple. Yes. Yeah. I think I've seen that not in the wild, but on the internet. You would have probably told me if you saw a blue man. I got, yeah. You're like, I'll get the group back together. Sam's got a, well, I w I wanted to send you all kinds of cool stuff, blue guys, purple guys, but you were on your big trip. So I wanted to leave you alone. Oh yeah. I needed my space.

I didn't ask Dr. Mario about Monjaro. I just put 80 in and I've been puking a lot. So that's not good. You did 80? No, I stayed with, stayed with 50 because we had talked about, she said something like last week, like do 50 at least for another week.

So I was like, well, that means I can do 50 this week. And hey, guess what? The diarrhea is not going anywhere. So I might as well stay with 50 and ship my brains out. Oh my God. Yeah. You've been burping more than the burps dude. Oh my God. Well, I'm like more Monjaro than person.

Like you ramp up and then I'll eventually the Monjaro takes over and you're not even technically a human in Kentucky. You are not a human. It's like the venom symbiote. Yes. Yeah and it stinks. The the smells are out of this world. What if venom stank? His breath? Yeah I'm sure his breath wasn't minty fresh. Oh I bet he smelled so bad. They all must have smelled bad. He's like the rotting personification of all the evil in the universe. You know like he smells a little bad. the rotting personification of all the evil in the universe. You know, like he smells a little bad.

The symbiote's from space, right? Yeah, what do you think the universe means? Oh, I thought you said Kentucky. No. I was like, it's more than Kentucky, bro. Be here with me. I got high as hell. Oh, did you?

And I'm running on fumes, man. How'd you get high? I'm Jackson Brown, I'm running on empty. I brought my thing. Oh, shit, let me double that. I grabbed it. Hell yeah. I don't have empty. I brought my thing. Oh shit. Let me do I grabbed it. Hell. Yeah I don't have herpes anymore because of the manjarro Yeah, right. It's not holy water. I gave it to you in 2013 get out get over it

I've never had it. You don't know. I do know I know some stuff About my body the blemishes that I have actually I don't have a lot of answers on those blemishes It's cuz you pick I don't pick as much as you do You learned picking from me the best ever do it Yeah, we were american pickers, man You're just picking your face a second ago. You don't even know see I pick but at least I know I don't even know anymore. Well, i've quit chewing my nails and i've quit picking my nose Because i'm worried that my teeth are rotting out of my head

after a very sobering dentist appointment yesterday. Wait, but chewing your nails affects your teeth? So I have- I guess everything is everything. I have early stage gum disease. So, and I'm worried that it's because I've chewed my nails my entire life that I'm inviting bacteria into the gaps between my teeth. they're like you don't smoke

cigs I was like no I've never smoked a cigarette yeah I'm allergic yeah you don't you don't use nicotine pouches right never looked cool oh yeah cover up my pocket of course not it falls out of your pocket. Uh huh. Oh yeah. This is actually this is what it is. Yeah. You hit the nurse. Get the doctor. Uh huh. Get him in here. He's reading my x-rays. You do this, and then when you go to hit them, they flinch.

So that's like a real, that's a big beat down. It's exponential. Oh, I just hit him with a diamond cutter. It's compounding. Yeah, that's a finisher. It's a compounding. I hit him till I blast. I would love to just randomly hit someone with an RKO, like, and it finishes them. How so? Kill someone with an RKO. Kill someone. Yup. It'd be really sick to do an

RKO off of someone like down a spiral staircase. Like at your own wedding, like your wife's going to cut the cake and then you jump off the staircase and hit her with an RKO. Into the cake. Yeah. And then everyone eats off of her. I recently, I don't know if I've ever mentioned it on the pod probably long ago. Yeah. But when I was a young teen. Yes. I DDT'd my friend's little brother and I think I fucked him up I think about it all the time is he alive did he rob a bank what yeah real well listen so I'm with I'm with these two think about it all the time bad dudes not all the time but like semi regularly it hits me glory day and I'm always like fuck yeah did I ruin

that kid I did I make him like way dumber? Because he was probably like, we were like 17, he was probably 13. And we were dicking around and I said I'm gonna I'm gonna power bomb your brother, Marshall. And he was like do it! And I would have taken care of him with the power bomb. Of course, it's safe. Well it's so dangerous that I would have been safe with it by, I wanted to power bomb him onto the couch. I think power bombs one of the safest moves you can give a little kid well if you're gonna do it onto a bed or yeah yes or or a couch and I was going to do that but he fought me a bunch he like grabbed my leg why so he wasn't going up hey you know what this is job for me I really think I would have been smart

about that but for some reason I pivoted and I gave him a DDT onto the carpet of in the living room. Whoa! Like pretty hard. Yeah! And it was like you think a powerbomb's dangerous? You gave him a DDT. Then I gave him a DDT. Yeah! Under like it wasn't shag carpet I'll tell you that much. It's like pivoting from a piledriver to a brain buster Yeah One then did he cry? I don't think he cried in front of the big boys Puked he definitely was like fucked up and like puked that later that day or whatever So yeah, hopefully that was his first and only concussion

He's a scientist, but he could also be under the highway I put Sophie into a couch one time with a power bomb. It wasn't even a power bomb. It was a, I liked the dominator a lot. I think I gave her a dominator, but she went into the couch and her legs were literally sticking up. And you could hear her in there being like, spiked.

Yeah, like, this wasn't even ECW. This was like CZW shit. I was Nick Cage on her ass, dude. Spiked. Yeah. This wasn't even ECW. This was like CZW shit. I was Nick Cage on her ass, dude. Nick Gage. Who cares? Necro Butcher. You ever watch him? He was in the wrestler. Yeah. So Necro had beef with Samoa Joe. I saw a recent breakdown because, well, I'm not gonna give the whole backstory, but yeah. Let's skip the whole backstory. We have to fill an hour. Necro Butcher worked real stiff with a couple of Samoa Joe students

out in California one time. So then Joe refused to wrestle Necro, and then they finally did wrestle, and Samoa Joe just beats the shit out of Necro the whole time. Real bad. Necro's also like a professor. He's like Spike Dudley.

He's super smart. Yeah, like a yeah tax lawyer yeah he's like a law school or one of the smarter guys yeah mm-hmm and I think got out because he knew he had to be done at a certain point or whatever well his only game was like I want to get high onto some carpet oh yeah I forgot you put Necro out of the business I kind kinda fucked him up too. I just see red. If you're gonna go, if you're gonna sandbag my ass, that doesn't look good.

No, no, no. So I kinda have to rough you up. We're not making money tonight, we're making money tomorrow. That's what you gotta remember. Yeah, I haven't watched a lot of Necro, but. Cause it's just too much. Yeah, just too much.

That's not what I want. I don't like death match wrestling. No, I think it's cause we started to know these guys. Dude, Nick age died at a death match. Yeah. Yeah. Yup. In some guy's backyard in Delaware.

He no, no, it was that, it was that, uh, was that a big event? It was in the middle of nowhere. Cornfield. Yeah. In Delaware. Okay. But it wasn't like a dude's house. It was a big event.

It was on a dude's property. It was the biggest backyard event It was king of it was like king of the deathmatch and he died. Yeah, that's light for life That's like being at you know roast battle and not roasted. You have a cycling pig steaming someone Yeah, but somebody put a pig in the in the dirt. I Said some wild shit on roast battle recently. I was judging it in Austin. It was like a real who cares me DeRosa Metzger Tommy Pope and Hinchcliffe and we just Whoo, we said some stuff. Hmm some stuff. It's not coming out. Yeah, what's out? It's online. Oh, mm-hmm

Be careful their kids Do ver flinching. Don't you dare flinch. I'm not playing on flinching. No, the viewer isn't allowed to flinch or else the TV shoots a spitball at them and says swallow it. But yeah, we weren't talking.

I was leaving you alone because you were hunting. I was not hunting. Oh, what were you doing because you were hunting. I was not hunting. Oh, what were you doing? Disneyland. Disney, not hunting. Well, we're in Kentucky, so I thought maybe you were hunting. I'm the stink ape.

Somebody told me they were gonna take us hunting, and I was like, no, you're not. Oh, I did talk in the first show about how people should just come to the embassy and hunt us on a good floor, because it's empty. it's empty yeah and it wasn't completely yeah it was the most dangerous game situation but we're also hunting you what about this real quick we're not somebody if somebody started yelling out there for us to come out and be a man and get hunted down it's like wait first of all wouldn't being a man be like

Hey, you can't hunt me. I'm a man. Yeah. Yeah, I'm a human being I'm a person. I'm a son. We're trying to entertain you even more than we already did and you're gonna shoot me You've made me into game. You're gonna eat me Yeah, you better eat me if you kill me listen to this you kill me You better fucking roast me like a sweet pig in the dirt You better cover me in banana leaves and some smoldering ash and just really cook me soft. Banana ketchup. And then you'll give my bones to science.

Uh, just real quick, if you come to a show, don't yell a bunch of stuff from the podcast. That's not gonna help the show. Do people hit you with that? Dude hit me with a Gui Guo and I was like, yes very good That is from the podcast. Well saying how I've always been fat. I was a big fat kid. Yeah, and he goes we go Oh, that's more of a wad though. Gui. Whoa does not have to be fat. I think I literally said on stage all Fat people are gui guos not all quick was or fat something like that. Yeah people are gweeg was not all gweeg was or fat something like that but yeah but yeah it's like I can't stop and explain everybody what a gweeg whoa is yeah so

you can't you can't yell shit he knew after the show he's like I blew it and it's like no no you didn't blow it was that guy yeah that guy was sweet he did come up with fucking fear in his face super stoned I think I don't know blasted not drunk that was the weirdest pack of dudes ever. That was like the first thing I said on stage. That whack pack of goofballs that we had to the right who were our big fans. Weird. Dude one of them had sunglasses with a fedora on. Oh I missed it. Another one had no sunglasses, bowler cap. Yeah it was a freak pack over there. Hat squad. Did you see fucking crazy Edgar Winterbeard? No. You didn't see the man with visible albinism and maybe non-visible autism. Red eyes?

Yes. He needed to be underneath a heat lamp. This man was a baby mouse come to life. He's there with his old lady. How did I not see you? I don't know. Did you look at anyone? You were delirious.

I was tie-tie. Yeah. But fuck, I had my eyes open. I wasn't sleepwalking? I don't know, did you look at anyone? You weren't delirious. I was tie-tie. Yeah. But fuck, I had my eyes open. I wasn't sleepwalking. I wasn't Mike Birbiglia. I didn't end up out a window of the embassy suites. No, thank God. I wish someone would show up here and I could just be like, you wanna hunt me?

Guess what? I'm the fucking game warden. And then go out there. Why are you a game warden then? I'm the fucking game warden. And then go out there. Why are you game warden? Man? I don't know. Oh, I mean, that's the thing. Wait, what about, oh God, what about this whole thing? Before we get to Disneyland, maybe we won't. What the fuck happened? Yeah. Say something's for me. Yeah. Also, yeah, we don't have to break it down, but I do want to fill some time.

I want to write it off. You know what I mean? I want to take a nap and be like, that's crazy. Yeah. Well, no, she was there. Mickey and many lines long. Did you go in a weird sweet spot? Cause like, no, it's just, it's always busy. Well, it's also still the end of spring break across America okay like half of the country could still potentially be on spring if this was Disney break when it's not busy brother I don't want to see it when it is well that's what's crazy is hell who even knows hellfire it was fucked what we saw because I went last year. Yeah, January

And it was Pretty buck wild you were auditioning to be in the country bear jamboree, right? I was trying to be The mountain in Space Mountain. I was gonna be space or the mountain depending on I was like, can I audition for both? They're like, yes, you'll either be space or the mountain. But you forgot to bring your shirt that makes you look like space. Well, I told them I have it. I'm not gonna bring it. And then you guys are like, oh yeah, can we see that?

And then you give it to some other dickhead. Fucking Walt Disney's great-grandson. No, that's my shirt. I bring it. Walt Disney's grandson's auditioning for the same job as you. Well, we're both talented. Yeah, we're both competitors. Yeah, we're both competitors.

Inside, he's got the inside edge. Yeah. Nepotism. He's a nepo baby. You're a hippo baby. Yeah. Yeah. Um, yeah, no, but we were talking about man pig.

Yeah, dude. Nam pig. Nam pig. You literally say to me, yeah, this the host name is Nick Nampig Uh-huh. I thought it was Nick Namp and I go holy shit. That's funny. We riff. Yeah We go into the green room. Hey Nampig, huh? That's crazy. We've been like we've been having fun with that Yeah, any yes, and what he's in front of his girlfriend. Yeah, also could have said anything nobody says shit Yeah, they just dating Kylie Minogue, which is our you tight pleasant. Yeah, it's great. I did not expect good

I kept dropping pencils. She called him up. She called him nam pig. We're like, okay. Well, but yeah, he yeah He like doesn't say it doesn't correct us I've known this kid for maybe three years bullied him all three years all three years I've only heard him called in the back ago Go Bananas right there over the fryer. Oh hey, it's man pig, nam pig, the human pig. They call him the human pig. Right. So you think it's all based off of his last name, you assume.

Which is not insane. But you also didn't listen, I don't think, to people correcting you for three years. No one's ever corrected me. All right. Do you remember what the kitchen at Goat Bananas is like? Crazy. Yes. It's as close as I want to come to a fucking rave. They're like in waiting.

They're doing the bat wing. Oh my God. They're two for flinching. Yeah. Yeah. Blood in, blood out type stuff. Ray Barnacle is hidden in the refrigerator and you'll be like, hey, can you hand me some cherries?

Shut the drawer. out type stuff. Rain Barna clothes hidden in the refrigerator and you'll be like, Hey, can you hand me some cherries? Shut the drawer. He paints himself like the wall so you can scare the shit out of someone. Knock your head off. Give you a calf gun. But yeah, so what I go on stage riff about Nam Pig. You open with Nam Pig.

Bring AI talk about it. And you have good bit too. It's fun. Everybody likes it I go up and i'm like the man's name is nam pig Everyone's like what are they talking about? Uh, so then we do both show both shows nam pig time We keep to hey give over the human pig. It's because his name is nam pig. Isn't that crazy? Yeah And then what how do you get how do you get corrected a Comic comes up to him as I'm on stage in between shows and I'm waiting by the door and a comic comes up to him

It's like hey, what's up? Henning Nick Henning, I think is his name or Henning Something like Henning. It could be Kurt Henning is his name or Henig something like Henig it could be Kurt Henig yeah but then so I'm like wait your last name isn't NAMM pig and he went no and I was like god no what how could it he's like yeah I couldn't even be anything close to NAMM pig why would it be NAMM pig I was like because as long as I've known you I've only heard people call you nam pig pig man

Man pig the human pig or just go And you're always like, yeah, that's me game. I am. Yeah full game warden, right? Well, I mean I'd like to think that I'm the game warden, you know, but you're part pig sure Yeah, it's like well, I'm DEI hire. Well, I was gonna say it's like in Kentucky, you know, it's just like, hey, they were here before us. The pigs were here long before the idea of a game warden was formed. And they're gonna be here long after we leave. Yeah. So it keeps...

We're just ridin' the earth from pigs. Keeps the pig population a little happier. You know that they're represented. Yeah. We're not just going to go in and say, Oh, they were all sick. So we had to kill them and then build a fucking KB toys. So anyway, his name's not anything with a pig or a man. We said it well, and it sucks because that means that Teresa in the sound booth Introduced him to the crowd as Nick Henning and then he goes up there. Hey folks Lexington. What's up y'all? I'm Nick Henning

I'll be your host. Yeah, and then we go up there and biff it. Yeah, don't even know the hosts last name It's not even close to what we act like it is No, and then everyone's kind of confused if they Early shows name at all early show loved it. They did love it. Yeah Well, I mean those are two of the most juice crowds in the world. Yeah, it seemed uh, like we were getting punked They were too good active prank Yeah, I thought we were getting Thought we're gonna get fucking

Impractical joker. I thought that I was gonna turn around and ran barnacle would have been painted like the brick wall. And he pops out and he pantses me. And he says, look, where is it? Where is it? As he's pointing to my penis. Where the hell is it, everybody? He shoves me into the crowd and I trip

and I land with like my ass or balls on a woman's head. And then I go to jail. My career is over. Not in the commonwealth. No, no. I'd go to a jailhouse rock restaurant. Rock a doodle. Rock me on a doodle.

What'd you say? Schoolhouse rock. You said I'm just a bill. I'm just a bill. Yeah. I'm just a pig. I'm also the game warden. So you can hunt me if you want. You can hunt the pig side, but the game warden side is going to give you a ticket. Yeah. You're going to get in trouble. Yeah. You have to park pass if you want to come in here and hunt me. What's funny is the idea that we're only one. We're just always like, ah, God damn it. It's always hard to record a pod after two shows and the travel day. Right. And no, it doesn't mean that we're saying feel sorry for us because we're literally mother Teresa and a pig or something. Some type of weird, yeah, none

pig combo being hunted, but I'm the game warden who's also a pig. But also you're anointed as a saint. Right, yeah. No. I lied about helping lepers. But within our world, some of that can be a little tiring, a little taxing. I mean, you got two hours sleep, you're going to be tie-tied no matter who you are. Yeah, I'm just a man and a little bit with a little bit of pig in there. But what's

funny is just the idea that's like ah god damn it we have to do this pod and what we want to do is exactly this almost exactly this. Well kind of looking at our phones too though. Well looking at our phones. Yeah and you're playing Candy Crush I'm playing Arena. No no no, candy crush. That's your wife. Hearts. What's the difference? Yahtzee. Uh, and also color block jam is still my shit. Color block jam. Yeah. I'm on level like four 30 different than it's its own thing. Right. Yeah. It's also kind of a pig. Candy crush is done. It was done in 2020. Out of all the people on that lineup who should have been the man pig, he was not it.

You're looking at him. It's you or me. Yeah, wait, they thought his last name, even though they both look like Nam pigs. Yeah, but also I just, I really was getting a kick out of a pig who fought Nam. Oh, it was great. You know, just like smoking and like long hair. I really was getting a kick out of a pig who fought in NAMM. Oh, it was great.

Just like smoking and like long hair. Yeah. Long beard. Yeah. Little sunglasses. You know what I mean? Like those little ones that are like, that don't come to school tomorrow.

Yeah. Just a little bigger than those. Yeah. Yeah, resting right on its snout right there. Sleeveless camo vest. Bandana, like David Foster Wallace. Sure, yeah. We kill, we fuck. That's all it says. Uh, but yeah, and also I really want to watch the Vader dark side of the ring.

Well, why don't you finish the funny joke you said since it doesn't apply to literally anything else ever again. What? About the pig who's a nam. Oh, we lost a lot of good pigs over there in the mud. Some of my brothers died face down in the mud. They weren't shot. They were just in mud and loved it. They died doing what they loved. One of them thought they smelled a truffle. Foreign mud. We head to leave them over there yeah draft the pigs yeah they wanted new mud yeah yeah couldn't get couldn't get the uh fuck not the exemption then yeah i got a bad hoof look my hoof is fucked get over there i'm'm a pig. So I'm gay get out of here. I Just read tree of smoke and that's the great

novel Insane dude. Yeah, I 800 pages or something. It's pretty pretty long. I hit up I Hit up Gillis and he was like I'm in a bookstore and I was like, oh sick He's like what book should I buy and he was like I want to read something that has to do with history And I was like get Tree of Smoke and then he was up like all night reading Tree of Smoke So good it is known Reader Shane Gillis loves it. Does he read? Oh Yeah, should we tell people where they can get your book?

Any Lexington? Oh yeah. What's the name of that place? Joseph A Banks. It's a jewelry store too. It's right around the corner from here. It's a bookstore near the embassy suites near the comedy off Broadway. Uh, you found those, it was a big bookstore and a lot of shiny new books and stuff. And then down there in the dust, face down in the mud, like the happiest war criminal pig there ever was. There she was, my book on the shelf down there. And that made you two for five on going into a bookstore?

40% of all bookstores in the world have my book in it based on my data points that I've aggregated yeah it was cool I'm glad there was one in there and then you signed it so it's in there find it and you signed yeah I mean I will keep signing my books in the wild and also if there I mean what I've I should tell other comedians they ever see my book in the wild they should just sign it you know yeah good comics you know right friends yeah not anybody who hears not any fucking NAMM pig wandering around out there not Nick the axe Henning yeah the late show crowd

that I'm talking about the portion of our fans who were there who I could pick out they looked like the extras in Pete and Pete like the other kids who were in class you know my ones got like a propeller beanie the other ones got different colored sunglasses on well I wondered why you thought they were so wacky cuz I just I talked to that dude in the white sweatshirt before on my way in the showroom he was like what's up dude fuck showroom he was like, what's up dude, fuck yeah. And I was like, all right.

And so yeah, I didn't see any of the hat pack. Oh yeah. Or the Wacadoo crew. Albino guy was with them? Yeah, no, he was separate. Same side of the room. Damn. Yeah. They just, they gave all the weirdos to.

Some gave all. One or two servers, like deal with them. Yeah. They just they gave all the weirdos to some gave all one or two servers I know some yeah So No talk about Disneyland I'm gonna zone out. I told Emily's cousin Sarah was like yeah, I can write this whole thing off and she's like Well now and I was like, no, I'm gonna talk about my podcast and then to write off and she went that's great We flew in from Kansas, I don't want to hear the whole fucking I want to hear the highlights I'm gonna start from the beginning. I want to hear two things about it

You put your dick in a fence and then 15 years later So she I fled I flew from Kansas City to John Wayne Airport. That's fun. The runway was like fucked. Burbank? It had 60 pounds of impacted shit in it. Was that real? That was real, right?

No, it was a lie. It was snoped. Yeah. He was scoped. Where's John Wayne? John Wayne, I don't know. International Airport. Probably upside down.

Oh, in Anaheim. Oh, okay. Yeah, and then they picked me up and we went and we got to our hotel, which was at Disneyland. Everybody else is already there? Hannah, Emily, and Susu had been there for three days already.

Three days previous. Doing what? In San Diego with Emily's cousin. Oh, that's right. They're down there with. In the water. Yeah, Emily's cousin who's like the same age as her and her mom, Emily's aunt live there and they have kids who are like five and seven

so they're pretty much the same age as Susu. So anyway, big California vacation. Yeah. No big deal. They pick me up. We get to the hotel. Game wardens here. There's a water park at our hotel and I pointed out to Susanna. I say, Susanna, that's our hotel. There's a water park and my beautiful niece went, my god. And I laughed so hard that Susanna like got kind of scared. She's like, why are you

laughing? Why are you laughing at me? And I was like, you say that a lot. And Hannah went, yeah, she says it all the time. Wonder where she gets that from, which is so funny to me. Thinking about Susanna receiving an extra scoop of ice cream and being like, my God. My God, an angel. She's doing your act.

She's never seen it. I hope not. You lean on it. You're doing, running it. I hope you lean on it. You're doing running it. Uh-huh Wow She's Steve jobs dying Yep, so Susanna hit me with a big my god and That made it all that was every penny that I spent getting everyone there and taking us to Disney that made it all just Susanna Having her little mind ripped in half by just

the water slide and not even Disneyland. Well, yeah. I mean, how crazy was it? It wasn't that crazy. There was two slides. There was a big one and a little one. She's dumb as hell. She's not even five.

It's still pretty sweet. I mean, she's been rocking her and Sadie. I've just been rocking Emmy with Emmy wears a diaper and on top for like three days. Oh yeah. All the time. Oh yeah. They were tenderizing the meat. Dude. Awesome. So they've just been, you want to talk about whack packs. This gruesome to some terrorizing my adult wife who's a doctor. Yeah. She's just ragged. Yeah. After

the three days she just taps out. As soon as you get there, it just collapses into your arms. Yeah. They're in a Starbucks, you know, means like who wants cake pops and they're like if you eat one you'll poop it into your diaper And he wears a diaper everywhere They went to sprinkle Dan's ashes, you know in the water and they're there And he wears a diaper They have granddad's dust in their eyes They didn't do that on this trip. But anyway. Oh, making it up.

Well, it's just riffing. Punching it up. One of us has to stay. You nailed it and now I'm going to try and carry it because you put so much, you're exhausted. I mean, land the plane. Well we have four hours. Yeah, that's a big one. We're doing our yearly four hour

We over, we overcommit it. Yeah. Why did we make that tier? Um, what are you looking for? Scratchy ad read. Oh, we have them. Yeah. All right. I love ads, man. Geez.

But keep talking. Okay. So yeah, we check into the hotel and then we hit the water slide because we get there. Like we don't have tickets for Disney until Monday, Tuesday. So we water slide, uh, see, she's tall enough to go down the water slide by herself. There's a big bucket of water that fills up and then every 12 minutes it dumps

water on your head. And Susanna told me it was full of candy. So then I'm over there, you know, well, what's going to happen? Water splashes on my head. I say it's not candy and Zach The seven-year-old goes why would there be candy in there? It's water And then all these kids are like looking at me like answer the question, sir You stand for these allegations. Don't you think that guy's name is nam pig and there's candy everywhere Where do you where do you live fantasy land? So little Zach is very inquisitive and he can do, uh, he can ask you endless questions.

And Emily told him about Andre the giant. So now he has so many questions for me about Andre the giant. And, uh, I am all for it. I am all, I'm all aboard. Yeah. You've got enough Andre knowledge you can hit him with right away I hit him with the toilets doesn't work has to dump in the tub that you see him go He's asking me like how big do you think the turds were how big do you think his dumps were? But I said dump he had to dump in the tub. I was like probably pretty big They probably as big as su su no and I was like he was like 500 pounds and he went

So now I, my God, Ah, G, Monty. He's, he's got a mom. She's Susu, Susu spreading the, the lexicon. I'm so fascinated to wonder what she's going to turn out to be. You know, if she is at all like her mom and aunt, she's gonna be a beautiful angel, but if she has my wicked sense of humor and devilish cunning.

Unstoppable. Yeah, my rogue-like qualities. I mean, she's gonna be the president. Probably not. Not at the US. Yeah, yeah, no. No. We have to come a long way.

I guess we got time. She's got 30 years. I mean, it's bad enough she's half Lebanese, but woman? Yeah, right. In 30 years, we still haven't had a woman president. Maybe this time. And it's Susu. She loses.

To a guy. Yeah. To Brainard. Some guy named Duke. His name is Duke Lacrosse he's the president he's the most racist guy everyone forgot my name is Duke lacrosse it's crazy that was that was a snope she made it up for the attention and how many people know the woman who was gang raped by Duke Lacrosse. Guess what, everybody? These guys wore my ass out like they played hockey.

But no, it was the entire Duke Lacrosse team. Tell you what, they had skates on the whole time. Yeah, you know, who knows? They had skates on roller skates. Well, on the cross, there's no skates at all. I'm saying it was crazy. I'm saying they drugged me. So maybe maybe I made that that part up, but I'll tell you what I didn't make up. They each had their turn.

They would pass me around like that basketball. They can't get enough of when they're out there on the grid iron lady. What happened? Tell you what, there wasn't, there was more than one Grand Slam if you know what I mean Every every sport every Sports almanac. Yeah. All right, then the sky hook. I'll tell you what was off sides There be a their behavior Well, should I read this we've got one oh good good, well let's milk it. No, I'll do it and then you can talk about your trip. Your name's Aldo. It's me Aldo. I'm gonna read Aldo's. Well Sam. What? Lund? Remember the feeling. Lund as Teresa called it. What if it was Lund? That'd be too much.

That'd be great. Too close to the C word. Too close. I would call you that all the time. Yeah, I'd be sick of it. You know how people go ask, is it Lund? I say kind of like Bund. If you were Lund. Yeah, no need for help on Lunt. Just hear it correctly. You don't need a different word to compare. You don't remember much because of all of the DDTs you took growing up, but I'll bet you remember the feeling of booting up your favorite game for the first time? Oh my God, what would that have been?

Smash TV. Oh yeah. Me and my dad playing smash TV. That was awesome Well tell you this the right headset makes all the difference and turtle beach is bringing the nostalgia with the gen 3 stealth 700 headset I did not wear a headset you were a headgear and a head helmet you were a headcase and Everybody was worried about your head game Your nose like a psychological warfare thing I was playing head games and everybody was worried about your head game. No, it was more like a psychological warfare thing. I was playing head games.

Okay, you're coming out on top. That's right, yeah. I'm not giving any, you're getting it. You know what would be kind of fun is if you put your Turtle Beach headphones on while your girlfriend was going down on you, and she's like, what are you listening to, porno? Are you listening to something fucked up? And you're like, yeah, and into this ad read,

you're listening to the pod as you're getting sucked on your turtle beach headphones. You got from your favorite podcast guys, hold on. They're probably going to, they're going to call it turtle bitch real quick. I'm going to come for the crazy thing. I'm going to come in your hole, but yeah, man, this, uh This this is like stepping into the golden age of gaming again only better It's kind of like embracing what's new while also feeling the comfort of old feet old friends It's kind of like being an adult but feeling young and spry like a child Yeah, it's kind of like hiding in a world of digital imagination instead of living up to your responsibilities IRL

Yeah, it's like starting over and this time you're gonna do it right. And you're starting on God mode. No cheats this time. The audio is richer, the surround sound is insane and the battery lasts for 80 hours. Dude I put these on when I played Michael Richards simulator and it was like I was front row dude. It was crazy. You're just in the crowd. Uh-huh Yeah, watching the show. I wasn't simulating being Michael Richards, but man hurt. Yeah, but crystal clear It was awesome. I was like man the laugh Factory now. I know whether it's a factory because he's churning them out of there Yep. Yeah, I mean I put these I played a lot of great games

I played the Freddy Godfinger game. 80 hours of Michael Richards on stage saying the N-word? Yeah, well he just has them all. You have to get your game genie out so you can unlock every one of them. In the game, he isn't cut short. No, no, no, no, no. He does what he was going to do. If you keep feeding more light pellets into him. He keeps going Yep That's wild. I know it was a crazy game

It's like it's like Mega Man, but better but in our world in the real world in the our word He says that one too. Oh, yeah, dude I'm telling you and you hear it all and you can get language packs You can like learn slurs in every language all because the turtle batch Well, you know and Thanks a turtle batch. There's no more crackly mics or missed callouts. Just pure gaming 80 hours Hey, what I'm gaming and I don't I miss my callouts. I hate when I game for 80 hours and

I and it's like what is there a bunch of bubble wrap behind me? What's all the crackling? You cracking corn, Jimmy? Maybe after 78 hours, I could understand it. I want all 80. That's what 72 hours is three days plus eight. So I want John and Kate plus eight. Yeah. And that's what I get.

80 hours. I mean, I want to hear the Sims burn in full high quality surrounds. Imagine if we could have had these bad boys for GTA five, 80 hours straight. Imagine if I could have had them for fucking the lost Vikings. It would have been unstoppable. Yeah. God damn it. I bet you'll be able to do kill Tony and GTA six with these headphones. I bet you'll be able to do Kill Tony and GTA 6 with these headphones. Turtle Beach has every gaming accessory you could want from flight and racing simulators to Michael Richards.

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That's 10% off your order at turtlebeach.com. Promo code CHUBBY. They'll ask you where you heard about them. Support the show and tell them we sent you. Get the ultimate immersive gaming experience with Turtle Beach today. Tell them if they ask you what you heard about it, say that- Michael Richard simulator.

Yes, well no, I was gonna say say that someone yelled at that out of a moving car. Why are you in the, what a boring game. You're in the audience. Yeah, well you don't start in the audience. I wanna be Michael Richard. You start as a server. If I'm gonna be in the simulator,

I just wanna be in, you're an NPC you're saying You can class servers. They're definitely in door guy NPC. Yeah Comedian slash door guy. Yeah NPC Until now non-payable comedian, that's right can't be insured either Or like smoke too much. Oh, yeah, So you just kept lying about your teeth, huh? Oh yeah. And they're just like, oh yeah, very good. It looks like you definitely blast them. Well yeah, I stopped. I stopped chewing my nails. Have you been smoking your coffee, sir? I stopped chewing my nails for the most part because of COVID I know

you won't show about it good on you yeah well I need to stop because I think I'm inviting just a world poop well you don't wash your hands so good enough wash goes into your mouth no but what'll happen is I'll get up to the green room and I'll you know after shaking hands with every Tom dick and Larry and nice and I'm taking a little nibble of my nail. Yeah. Yeah. So anyway, they're going to take all my teeth.

I can't even imagine how many teeth they would take from me. If I went to a dentist, I have all of my teeth. They would call the cops. I'm missing one and I'll bet I could, I would lose a couple more if I went to a dentist, so I'm not gonna go Yeah, just don't go write it up. You have immaculate oral hygiene write it out and write it off. Yeah, right It counts. Yeah, it counts. I'll do it relaunched full house and Joey was a CPA All right, so Disneyland Disneyland, so we wake up the next day we go to Disney

Whoa, this was fucked, actually. I don't know if I should talk about this in the book. And he's going to listen. It's a free one. Blind item. A certain sister-in-law took a hotel rattling dump that almost put her out of commission for the full day at Disney. She almost tapped.

Like before going to start over there. Hannah took a gnarly dump and was like, I can't go to Disneyland, I feel sick. And she was like kind of gray and I was like, what the fuck happened in there? She came out rocked and was like, so to the point where I called, like we call Sarah and we're like, hey, we might have to go

to the emergency room, so if that happens, Sam and Susanna are gonna come over as soon as I hear that I'm like what the fuck I'm gonna go to Disney alone with my niece this is like this is SEAL team training for an uncle yeah that would have been way too much you're not ready for that I know so I'm in the mirror like slapping myself you know splashing water on my face like you got this you got this But Hannah was okay after about 20 minutes But she liked an earth-shattering dump the hotel manager called hey, uh

We had a water slide. Yeah, the water slides like kind of shook And they kind of got a little off course. We're wondering what happened in there You know that big bucket your husband thought was full of candy. Well, it's not But it looks like fudge So the opposite of candy now. Yeah, so yeah, Hannah rocked a gnarly one and it almost She was like Everything's gonna be so mad at me Anyway, we get over there after Hannah stuffs her bag back in

Son web MD. She needs the diaper Anyway, we get over there after Hannah stuffs her bag back in. It's on WebMD. She needs the diaper. Here says there's a doctor, but she still goes to WebMD. Can you shit yourself into the emergency room? If everything came out, doesn't that mean I'm healthier than? How bad is a dump app to be to ruin a trip to Disney? Yeah, well, you know how people, like we travel all the time, so like I've never, I've never constipated from travel. Oh yeah, some people shut down.

They shut down. Yeah, so Hannah had dumped in like three days, and then you know, she pulled the pin, it was looking nam pig all over. We were all faced down in the mud. So yeah, so Susanna's like looking around like, what's happening? was looking nam pig all over. We were all facedown in the mud. Yeah. So Suzanne is like looking around like what's happening. Mom took a poop too big. Christmas is not my birthday canceled. Well yeah she makes mixed emotions right because she wants to hear details about the poop but not if it ruins everything.

Saying wait he got to tell me about this shit. But like in Disney walking, tell it walking tuts. Put me in a stroller and push like you did in there. So, yeah, earth shattering. Hannah described it. So we walk across the street, we go to Disneyland, man. And I walk in there, I'm pushing the stroller, I got my fucking vape tucked into the dick hole of my she-thundies, that little pocket they have.

Because you think you're gonna get a pat down? I know they're gonna search us, for sure. Because, I mean, you know. But they don't pat you down. Well, Emmy's open carrying. She has to clear the chamber. Oh, it must have been huge that you were across the street, right? Because if you would have... Awesome.

A half hour drive there, you could have a meltdown, something awful, you know, you have to turn around and go back because, you know, somebody puked on their shirt. Oh, for sure. Someone took a dump too bad. The car exploded. You're just wrecked. All four tires popped. Because Anna farted. So yeah that must have been nice to be right there. These kids could not have been better. I was worried there was going to be a massive explosion of just you know I mean they're all hopped up on cotton

candy, corn dogs, french fries. Ch even the meat of the corn dog, just like the, like, fucking taking the batter off. Like there's only carbohydrates in these children. There's not an ounce of protein in them. I think I saw Susanna eat a little bit of a cheese stick and that's as close as she came to anything of substance the whole weekend. Why?

Because. Just didn't, not interested. Sure, hey, have a slushie. Whoa, banana flavored ice cream. We better get all of this and no one. Sure, hey have a slushie. Whoa, banana flavored ice cream. We better get all of this and no one wants it so now I have to eat it. Oh no. So there's a lot of that going on. But no, they were all like fucking, it was nuts. The only explosion we had, there was two. At one point, Zach does not want to ride the teacups because it's for babies. I understand. So Zach Zach who's very smart and very strange yells so long suckers and ran away oh

yeah and I was like well this is awesome but then his mom's like oh and had to chase him down but so long suckers awesome bugs bunny yeah nailed it and like you know the people we went with, the adults, it's me, Hannah and Emily, then the other two are like very successful professionals, you know, like very high up in some big corporations. United Healthcare. Oh, I wish.

Wish it was. The new CEO of United Healthcare. Manchester United, yeah. Oh yeah, that guy got killed. Yeah. Oh, come on. I guess I'm not sleeping. I have to get a different room. Disney's canceled. You know how scared I was when I thought I was going to go alone with Susanna. Oh my God. Yeah, that would have been the ultimate turning into a dog like dude. You'd just be like shell shocked like a nam pig

dude i'm putting camo paint on in the mirror yeah first blood yeah i'm cutting the sleeves off of everything i guess you couldn't uh you couldn't turn into a dog you had to be more of a more of a human than ever before i had to be the man more human than human yeah you i'm surprised you didn't faint i mean if you're if you're almost a five-year-old girl and you're going to more human than human. Yeah, I'm surprised you didn't faint. I mean, if you're almost a five-year-old girl and you're going to Disneyland, I don't know if there's a better guy to go with than me. Yeah, but not as the primary character.

No, I know, as the fucking third in command. You're in the crew. As the lieutenant, yeah, I'm great right there. Left tackle. Kind of the mascot of it, wasn't anything. Kind of an uncle, but also somehow pig. Susanna was calling me man pig all weekend. I didn't think about that. So we get in there and of course right away there's Mickey and I'm like Susanna don't look but that's Mickey Mouse. She looks over and she doesn't talk for like the first 12 minutes that we're in Disneyland. It's awesome

Yeah, it's insane. I can't even imagine because the first time I went over there I was like it was for like grad night went to Magic Mountain or whatever. Yeah So any of that as a young child must be Crazy. I also had Creasy Shout out Alex Creasy. He gave me his like Disney do's and don'ts because he goes there all the time with his adult girlfriend. No kids. No kids. Yeah. Huge hog. Oh yeah. He does have a piece on him. What the hell is that about? God. God's having fun out there. The most impractical joker of them all. God.

Joe Gatto's accusations are crazy. Like that on a man big crazy mostly big with a little bit of man he's the warden game yeah the slider is all fucked up mostly big with a human hog he's a hog with a hog. What were some of those dudes in town? Oh, I have them. Oh, they're on my phone, damn it. The top of the list was the pretzels at Disney are shit. That's how well he knows me.

Is the pretzels are bad. Don't go for the pretzels. That's like the only thing I can really take in on this huge You know list and the we walk in and Sarah and her husband Who was asked not to be mentioned on the podcast and then there are two kids Were They're getting a pretzel Gavin's walk in they're getting a pretzel pretzel time eight pretzels coming up It's good a pretzel for every dwarf you try to slap the wallet out of his hand yeah put those down

Yeah, so the pretzel was in fact bad But we get in there and then it was a fucking I wish I had my phone so I could look at all the pictures And tell you about it. took a just some of the funniest photos because the kids they know it's funny or not to smile so whenever Suzanne is told to smile she's like he starts doing it too I think I saw a couple of those yeah oh and I there was one for sure where I thought they both looked I thought it was real and that they were like that tired What's like? Oh my god, I can't even imagine just like, you know, they were blast walking dead, right?

But by the end of the day it was real but yeah, this might have been staged I mean dude these the rides there are Widowmakers I don't know how anyone's getting on these things and not puking everywhere. Oh, yeah, I don't even understand I don't know what I knew you everyone was fine except for old uncle Sam Who was fucking queased out at the very idea of being on any rides and you were you felt fine until it was it was definitely just The rides so I hypothesized about this because I take my manjar shot on Tuesdays So so I was coming down in the end of my Manjaro you know I was feending I was kicking Jimmy Legg so maybe that had something to do with it and then also

like eating a bunch of fucked up food at the park was also kind of gross. Yeah and you also said you've been forgetting to eat. I've been forgetting to eat yeah. That really throws you off. Yeah, which I never thought was possible I thought people were lying about that the that being a side of yeah No, but if any people would say I forgot to eat and I was like, oh did you write sure you did literally impossible I'm Sam town. I was born two minutes ago I'm not forgetting to eat. I'm a baby. I'm a fucking stupid baby. There's a little bit of pig We don't really understand my friend creases got one

so anyway, I was queased and the first ride we went on was oh Was this fucked up one dude? This is what really it destroyed me and it really set the precedent for oh no This is gonna be it destroyed me and it really set the precedent for, oh no, this is going to be bad. It was the, uh, you have the fucking lightning lane pass, right? On your phone. Like you're at Disney, you're looking around, oh my God, it's Ursula, you know, big fat lady. It's like dumped completely dumped corpse skin, fat lady.

Kids are coming up, you know, fucking she's from their arms on her to it Yeah, so You're so you're but you have this app the Disneyland app and when you're on there she's getting honked by kids Oh, yeah kids are coming on part of it Needing her like a cat You're seeing a cat rock a lady's kits? Yeah, cats do it to my belly. Oh sure.

Gotta make bread. Yep, it's not unleavened either. Fat bread. Fat bread. Sweet bread. Sweet and sour bread. But, so it's this, so you're on the app and you have to like get in the lane, you know, and it'll be like, you have a 110 available for, you know,

Mr. Toad's Wild Ride? Windows or times that you're supposed to hit. So we're fucking getting in there. Then as soon as you scan your pass, immediately you're on your phone trying to get one for all eight of us. You know, cause I have our four tickets on my phone. Emmy, this fucking psycho,

Emmy, I hope you're listening to this. Dude, what the fuck? Me and Hannah are there. Hannah has Susu. I have Uncle Doody's. Emmy, free wheeling, bra-less, you know? Lawless and bra-less. No, I think she was fully supported.

She looked adorable. She had her big blue hat on and her fucking pink sunglasses. Oh my God, I love my family. But anyway Emi doesn't download the Disney app So then as soon as I scan then she has to take my phone so her and Sarah can find our next rides all the time Give me your phone Download she refused. I don't know

But if I didn't have that app on my phone as we entered that park It would have been the I would never it I would have been athorized. I would have been the toilet and that dump would have come down on me. She would have been like, download the, you're an adult. Sam, download the fucking app right now. But her, oh, let me give me your phone. I have to unlock it all the time so she can get on there

and get us on the teacups. She didn't say why? Oh, because her battery dies. She wants people to take photos. Too much candy crap. It drove me nuts. My only complaint for all of Disney. Give me your phone.

Download the app. So we get on the Star Wars simulator ride where you're a rebel and you have to escape the fucking, I don't know Star Wars. You escape one of the big guys and you race around. There's pod racing involved. But anyway, you have to put glasses on. So it's a 3D ride. Cause it's for nerds. But anyway, it's a, you have to put glasses on. So it's a 3d ride. Cause it's for nerds.

Push them up like this and go, Georgia boy, Georgia binks. Yeah. They give you a pocket protector before you go in. Fucking Darth Maul gives you a wedgie before you sit down. Yeah, it's a total dorkus malorcus. So I'm in there in the fucking virgin simulator and you know, one of the members of our party hasn't showed up about how important this ride is.

The seven year old? You would think. So anyway, we're riding around. So we used to strap us in, but then you're being rollicked around in your seat. Like it never moves, but it doesn't leave. It moves. And then you have these glasses on and immediately as soon as the fucking we move, I'm like, well I'm gonna puke on a kid. Yeah, right away. You know? I I hate it the whole time I fucking hate it I get off Hannah's like oh it made me a bit dizzy I'm like oh I'm sweating yes I'm soaked I saw one picture of you on a ride that was Space Mountain you said

you right before you puked and I was like there's no way but then I look at your face I'm like it looks real right I didn't think you were working me well yeah and then also look at Susanna who's literally sitting there like this as if nothing's happening as if she's sitting on a park bench and it's a little bit windy yeah which shows at the water park and then Emily's sitting next to herself in the photo her and Hannah look exactly the same in that picture. Yeah it was funny. Yep so so anyway but then I'm there like oh also I'm holding on to Susanna's bar because she's so little and I'm so big that that one bar I'm wearing she's gonna fly out at one point on Space Mountain in the dark so I'm like keeping her in and also trying

not to hurl. I threw up in my mouth as soon as I stood up and then I had to go stand in the bathroom Emily was like enough come on out of there mister Need your phone. Give me your phone. I have to download this image of you throwing up in front of your knees so Really bad, so it fucked me up really bad And then so now I'm like I'm not gonna go on every ride and Suzanne is like you're scared and I'm like, yeah I'm scared and she's like well if you're scared, I'll hold your hand. And I was like, fuck. So now, because I love my goddamn niece,

I am just immersing myself in a world of nausea I've never known. Damn. I know. And then she's like in line. She's like, are you scared? You're trying to convince everyone that the lightning pass is elitist

and you shouldn't do it every time or it's not fair Class war we should probably you know chill for in line. No one's free until everyone's free Yeah, so we see how everybody right and then we know how grateful we are for the lightning pass I had that thought literally for one second You would have been torn apart till I saw the fucking line of just people who didn't want to spend $17 to have their day ruined Waiting three hours for 45 seconds of almost puking and shitting. So yeah, so then Susanna's holding my hand. We go on the Monsters Inc one and she's like, are you scared?

And I'm like, yeah. And she's like, this one's for babies. Literally, she's like, literally, this one's for babies. And I was like, they're monsters and they're incorporated. That doesn't sound scary to you. What are they, the IRS? What is this Black Rock? So I'm holding my niece's hand all the time and then we go on the fucking Guardians of the Galaxy one

And that's one of the elevator ones where you go up and down and it zero gravity's you yeah, you know So you're up and then you're? So I'm immediately about to puke Susanna grabs my hand. I almost break it off I break it off like little monkey's pot is that rubbed me and put me in this wicked situation I grab emmy's thigh. She's like, ah She pries my hand off. I leave behind my fingerprints on her sweet sweet supple thigh meat Damn, i'm just flopping around dude. Like oh oh, at one point I went, I fucking hate this.

There's kids in there. I fucking hate this. Everyone else having the time of their life. And then when the lights come up and I'm just sitting there, just wet. Just completely wet. Oh my God, I forgot about this. Susanna, cause I went, oh, I'm wet.

And then after we got off a ride, we're walking out and we go immediately to getting a line right around the corner. And Susanna goes, Sammy, are you wet? I bet you're wet, Sam. And Hannah looks at me and goes, ooh. Ooh. So I'm wet.

I'm a wet man. I'm soaked. Yeah, completely just sopping. Damn. So that was fun, but the real peak of the whole experience for me was We do the princess experience Yeah, which I think we talked about There's like only a few spots or something. You have to reserve it ahead of time. Okay. Yeah. Oh wait, but

spots or something? You have to reserve it ahead of time. Okay. Yeah. Oh wait, but what was it? Emmy wanted to get the princess experience that was like five bucks. Oh right. Which was like 13 or whatever. Yeah. A princess will wink at you from across the park and then you get a fucking airbrushed tea. Have a good day. Yeah. Princess. Dude, we met Snow White. She did such a good job. Dude, I mean, look, I'm as irony poisoned, jaded on the world as anyone, but you see two five-year-old girls meet fucking Snow White and she does the Snow White hands. She was nailing it.

If you think about Snow White, Hannah pointed this out, her legs never move, it's all just dress and waist down. So it's all, she's talking about sleepy and the little girls are like, do you know Grumpy? Oh yes, but I like to make sure that I bring Grumpy an apple tart every day, because he loves apple tarts and he puts a smile on his face.

And they're like, dude, I only geeked for Goofy. I was like, Goofy, you're the man, big fan, day one. Love you, Goof Man. Your big Goofy movie? Yeah, Goofy, you're the man. Big fan, day one. Love you, Goof Man. Your big Goofy movie? Yeah, Goofy movie. Also, he made all the cartoons palatable. Because Goofy movie must've been like after, like when I was getting laid or something.

For sure, I was not getting laid. I was watching Halloween Havoc and Goofy movie back to back. Okay, yeah, I still haven't seen it, but I feel like I would like like it it's pretty sick dude Which seems crazy, but yeah, it's fun. It's funny poly shores in it. Let's watch it after this Okay, I can put on my goofy movie sweatshirt that I got it's sick Dude, that was a whole fiasco as well trying to find a 3x in that hellhole you think it should be for everyone, right? Right, wrong. They want they want that money. They want that money,

but they don't want it from people who love that honey. They got a bunch of wheelchairs and stuff, wheelbarrows for the big people. And dude, when you're pushing a stroller, dude. So they should have, yeah. Dude, there's just huge, fat people on those mobile scooters. And they're just running people over. It's head on a swivel, and I'm high.

It's like I'm driving on the freeway. I was getting so high in there. Whenever we go right the lights would go down I'm just yeah when you're trying to combat the nausea with weed which usually helps but Disneyland you're fucked. I'm just trying to get high as hell. Yeah that too but like you're hoping it'll help but it also probably could have made it worse or whatever. I was the only one with our crew who was very very high and I was the only one getting nauseous. But you're hoping it'll help but it also probably could have made it worse or was the only one with our crew who was very very high and I was the only one getting nauseous but you're also the only one on Manjaro which I know fucks your shit up Zachary was looking pretty I think he went down from 50 pounds to 43 I'm kidding so princess princess experience at the Bippity Boppity Boop boutique.

We get there, I walk up, I say, hey, we got Princess Susanna over here. And they say, thank you. Princess Susanna. Guess where Susu is when they call her name. Toilet. Toilet. She's in the toilet. Emily has to say, she went to the bathroom.

And he's, okay, let us know when she gets back. She gets back. Princess Susanna. They bring her in, they show her the dresses. They're like, so the one, the experience that you chose, you get these dresses. And she looks around and I see her, I linger, and I'm like, whatever she wants.

That's what I say to the lady. She winks at me. She's like, war, there's also these dresses, any dress for a princess. Wait, so there's like better ones that she can see but can't pick from? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Why?

Scam. Yeah, it's all a scam. Cause they're exploiting the heartstrings of parents who brought their kids to Disney already. If you're gonna spend a million dollars, spend a million and one and give them fucking, you know, give them something to remember you by. Which did she pick, one of the top tiers?

When the court takes you away. She was so perfect. She picked Sleeping Beauty. Chill. Super chill. Goes to bed. Night y'all. A 38 year old man is like,

I guess we have to wake her up with a kiss. You're like what? Hold on. Just kidding. But no, I mean, you get what you paid for. You got the top tier experience. Yeah, some fucking groundling comes over and tries to kiss my niece. And I hit him with the DDT.

Just like fucking Jake the sake take him down. So then they take her in the back and I'm not allowed in there because only two people are allowed and I'm like I'm like oh yeah so that yes there's not a party of fifteen yeah yeah Hannah she's your kid I guess whatever yeah get in there Emmy yeah what am I gonna do pay for everything that'd be nuts right have fun so they go in I get a churro I eat a churro by myself while getting high I look up dude guess who's up there up where oh my god just like up just like I look up, dude, guess who's up there? Up where?

Oh my God, just like up. Just like I look up on a roof, guess who's up there? Fox and Hound. Pluto. Pluto. Pluto's up there. The dog. Mm-hmm, not the planet they took away.

Goofy, also a dog, but a man. Also owns Pluto. Yeah, owns a dog. Pluto, yeah, owns a dog. Pluto. It's like a cast system. Pluto can't talk and he's not allowed to eat at the table. But yeah, Goofy's, you know, making everyone's dinner. What are you going to do? Oh, dude, by the by the way, Woody.

Toy Story fan knew you when I went up for the picture, he said, Big fan. Yes, it's awesome groundling yeah I think was Chris Fairbanks so they take Susanna back I go ride the Chipotle I go get high I eat churro I sit underneath the cherry blossoms right in the middle and he gives me a call she says hey they brought her out onto the floor. So I go back and there's like a finishing station where there's a pen. There's a holding pen for these young women.

It's behind a little fence and you can see it through the gift shop. And I'm standing there with like eight other women and we're just these little girls in their like, you know, beauty chairs. Eight other women. You're one of the gals today. Yeah, for sure. One of the nauseous, your moody, your lady. Yeah. Yeah. 100%.

My tits, what's visible through my blouse. Yeah. You're hot. Yeah. I'm, I mean, snapping at people. So I'm standing there. What? And there's all these little princesses and they're there with their, the fairy godmother's apprentices is what they're called. There's the people who do the makeup and the hair. And I'm watching and then they're like, okay, now presenting Princess Susanna.

And she comes out and everyone claps and I'm standing there weeping, just sobbing underneath my sunglasses. Puking, weeping. Yes, I'm a woman. And it's like a beautiful moment. Everything I wanted, you know, she has her hair done perfect,

she's just the angel that's changed my life. And then I'm saying, and then one of the ladies goes, nervously, do you know one of the princesses? Yes. And I realized what everyone else is seeing was just a man leering. Not looking not looking like anybody looking like a human being. Nobody looks like you. Nobody's with you.

You're a big bucket hat on sunglasses every now and then I'm just touching underneath my eyes. It's rubbing away going trying not to ball. That's what I sound like because I'm standing there the only man looking at a room full of little princesses is tarted up I'm just staring over this bard I was like yeah that's my niece and she kind of goes like okay well it's like niece huh crying huh was's the one that got away What's the matter with this fucking guy?

Oh, so that was that was tough stuff Join the patreon. Oh one more thing about disney. No, we have to wait. This was maybe my favorite detail We have to watch fader dark side of the room. I know it's my favorite detail I saw and then patreon.com slash chubby behemoth. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Come on join it get in there five bucks patreon.com Four and a half years worth of all the great stuff a lot of proto wide worlds are on there to our early travel videos Oh a lot of Q&A is with the Becker my sister Emily if there's someone in the extended universe you want to hear a cue

I've got some A's and it comes from them. Also Omaha, Iowa City. I'll be in New York City on April 20th for one night only. Oh. Yeah, maybe get tickets to see Ari Shaffir's new storytelling show, wherever that is. Oh, and Detroit, April 16th. Susanna's birthday. I'm blowing it off. You're not going to be there. Zach Peterson's headlining. It's his birthday. I'm blowing it off.

You're not going to be there. Zach Peterson's headlining. It's going to be very good. But yes, so this was a cool little detail. Please. Yes. But Iowa City, Omaha, get those tickets. Amsterdam, London, Glasgow, Manchester, of course, Australia. Those tickets are to add some shows. By the way, Lund's going to be in Sydney, Melbourne, Auckland.

That's where he's going to be. Yeah. We're adding Wellington too. Anyway, so they have the Wakanda forever at Disneyland or not Disneyland at the California Adventure Park. They have, uh, you know, the black Panther lady come out and she leads like a demonstration. It's random. It pops up real time event. So anyway, after they do the Wakanda forever thing, you know people are watching They're stoked then they walk past the Avengers building on like a parade as they're doing this to everyone. There's little black kids there It's blowing their minds. It's pretty sick. Yeah, guess who's on top of the Avengers building Saluting them from up there dude

Black Captain America is up there fucking saluting the Wakanda parade and I told Emmy I was like this is fucking cool if you were a little kid and you were here and the Black Panthers just popped up not the ones who banged the Forrest Gump's girlfriend not the ones who ran train on Jenny or whatever but no like the you know the freedom fighters not those ones no the ones from the comic book. And then you look up and as you're like, whoa, magic is real, I live in a world of heroes,

you see Black Captain America fucking throwing this up from on top of the Avengers building? Brother, you're the happiest little retard ever.