Chubby Behemoth - Spacehog Had A Speedboat

Episode Date: March 2, 2023

Extra episodes at Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   Polished By Nature. Smusho Milk. Taking A Cold One.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

yeah becker's working for the devil so becker's in a probationary period right now because his background check popped up a red flag and good news it wasn't producing this podcast yes very good news yeah they sit him down tell us about sam talent it says here you've been uh engaging in weekly conversations with known cult leader and far right activist Sam Talent. Has he ever had you order fertilizer on his behalf? Is it true he has a Timothy McVeigh did nothing wrong tattoo? Oh, God. Is it true that he says i was the third man

at oklahoma city i got away with it a little tiny uh tiny terrorist tiny domestic tea i was five years old but i was pissed i was so pissed that uh bush one was coming for our guns listening to rage yeah no not then i was listening to 1995 here's something man so you know all that music like vertical horizon and like uh even sugar ray smash mouth yeah uh no i don't recall well yeah it was you were you were probably serving in uh gulf war one lund you probably didn't have a lot of this over there but who was that music for like how does that music happen because like chuck berry makes sense you know then the beatles just kind of do chuck berry and then the rolling stones do chuck berry like pretty much all rock and roll just goes back to chuck berry but then there's

that time in like the 90s where it was just music made by people who's it sounded like they never listened to music ever before like they were just locked in a room like monkeys with typewriters and they were like all right right as they hit kids and then it's just like acoustic guitars over like very heavy drums with like sweeping synths coming through all the time you love sweeping sense i'm not saying it's bad or good i'm saying that it makes no sense in the greater context of the canon of american music how did it happen who was it for basic there's for basic bitches right the radio was like we just need stuff that people won't turn off right right i know they hear the ads for yeah i guess julie's gum but like kbco all the make dave matthews band you know yeah like

punk rock comes from uh like you know 50s 60s garage music like that makes sense you know and then like emo comes out of punk rock and like you know metal comes out of all this stuff comes out of the monks in the 60s like i just don't know how you get together and make uh you know marcy playground yeah that's fair well it'd probably be like a little bit of punk a little bit of pop and a little bit of like bowie dave matthews band was uh talented musicians that we dave matthews band was uh talented musicians that i think were able to make fun songs and the lyrics were bad but the you know the the horns were good and the fiddle and whatever uh vertical horizon i think good or bad i'm just saying like i don't yes you are you're saying it sucks and you wonder why it got made and that's fine and no not at all so why don't you listen it's time to it's time to listen not time to talk i'm just saying i talk now okay

go ahead i'm the alpha well i just think please take the lead on what you're saying so that what you're saying what you're saying is why oh yeah you love it when i try do you know what happens when i try to talk more you step on my face we lose leader we tell me we lose people no you tell me to shut up you start dominating you hate it so shut up i i know my role why don't you know your role my role open your mouth but not right now all right i'm quiet it's my time no i just i think what you're asking is why would like why wouldn't people make the best music that you can? It's like because not everybody thinks the same way with it.

And some people are lamer than others and think that what they're doing is like kick ass. And then you have like that's why you have like cover bands are like we're really killing it with this music that we had no part in except for listening to it a bunch and then aping them you know like there's shit like that and some of that is uh people yeah who are just not as dialed in to what has already happened what's come before and so they just are like yeah this is pleasing to the ear or whatever and they're you know they're 30 seconds 30 seconds they're not they're not as cool as you or you're or dave t dave showed you the way and not everybody had that guru they sometimes they had rick rick lund aka dick penis who's you know blasting sweet emotion yeah sweet emotion makes sense like we know where sweet emotion comes from it comes from rock and roll yeah rock and roll

and like cover bands make sense completely because they're just playing songs they've already been written what i'm saying is that the music from i don't know the popular music of the 90s has no history it comes from zero how you can't create nothing from nothing but yet they've done that yeah i get what you're saying. Shut up, Becker. You don't know what he's saying. I do get what he's saying. Because he's not saying it's bad.

He's saying he doesn't understand it's birthing. It's Genesis confuses me. It was always pop music that had light guitars. It was the Go-Go's. That made sense in the 80s. Sure, Vacation. It's all we've ever wanted. It's still rock and roll

it's still bubblegum pop but you have like two guys and sugar ray that are into that yeah they're doing like space lounge music like dude sugar ray smash mouth space hog these were all huge bands in the 90s they all like bought yachts and banged kids on them good for them oh not space hog space hog had like at least a speedboat don't don't put space hog in there with smash mouth and sugar as far as they were a blip compared to sugar rain smash mouth but still they're doing like waiting room music for people going to mars they're making like anti-chamber music for people on the space shuttle waiting to acclimate to new oxygen. How was that like a huge musical genre? We don't have, we don't, we're not miking space.

You mostly don't like like the little bleeps and bloops is what you're saying. No, no. Okay. Let's, let's walk through what Sugar Ray is. Sugar Ray is the drummer. First of all, has no toms he doesn't i think he had an electric drum kit that looked like it was made out of paper plates i remember watching that on vh1 as a kid and being like what the fuck is this guy make your own drum set he's wearing a fedora and chewing gum

and playing drums this is crazy so they have that and then they have like weird like kind of spanish guitar noodley stuff yeah and then there's a dj who every 45 seconds just goes that was his whole job and you're like okay guess what you guys are the king makers you guys you guys create the taste you guys are the tongue factory and we're all just bumps upon you so are you saying maybe that they were try-hards because they didn't follow a path that made sense they tried to do too much to like stand out but they all did that so that was just like a new normal for six years or whatever well okay maybe so i'm not saying they're try-hards again i think that you

think i'm attacking you because we have different tastes in music you're not attacking me you're not you're not shitting on my favorite bands or anything i wasn't a dave head i wasn't a sugar ray guy i know but it feels like your back is against the mouth of the chasm and you're holding a gun to your dick you're like i'll do it! I'll do it! I'm trying to understand. Also, I don't know. I'm trying to understand what the hell you're trying to say. It's like the fugitive. You're about to jump in the waterfall,

and I don't want you to jump. I didn't kill Mark McGrath. Don't say that on here. I don't care. So I pulled it up just to see what they said. Sugar Ray claims that their influence is uh fused glam metal hardcore punk with funk sampled based hip-hop new wave disco dub reggae r&b and soul music yes their new sound fused every music

what the fuck that's wild yeah i mean it's just yes okay so there we go sugar ray makes no sense maybe they were fucking virtuosos maybe they i was just a baby they were ahead of their time and i don't understand that they actually come from like you know three-fifths jazz time signature shit but let's talk about like sister hazel all right let's talk about uh bare naked ladies obviously one of them canadian the other one a nun but i don't know how you get that sound out of what came before it it's pretty i get what you're saying it's pretty wild yeah and then everyone was like yep this is what we listened to until 2000 until the towers fall this is everyone's favorite music and then neil young gets the ball again uh yeah no i think part of part of the problem was that there was

there was a lot of cool shit going on and then you have just have people who are like yeah us too but they don't know what they're doing so they throw a bunch of shit at the wall or there's uh the influence of the record labels who think they know what they're talking about but really most of them do not so they just snatch up somebody and they're like yeah this is great but make it add this or something like okay we'll have a dj now or we'll post produce a bunch of shit uh to add on top that we won't recreate live i don't know but if like david geffen and all the people who create you know popular music and like what we get to listen to through what was then the only game in town which was the radio i don't think they get in a room together and go you know what we need we need a glam metal hip-hop r&b sampled heavy

uh hardcore punk new wave disco sound hey you mark mcgrath you and your friends over there in bakersfield with the cheekbones and the frosted tips can you get us that by the end of the week that just doesn't make any sense to me no i would imagine they got snatched up because they were handsome yeah yeah mark looked good and uh yeah i don't know dude but uh we should start a podcast just about this because also that description of their style their influence is wild i'm gonna think about that for for on my deathbed i'll be like funk samples electronic hardcore what the fuck get me out of here check please that was your last words there god i just want to fly take me home god you're everything i want you're everything i need there you go everything inside of me that

i wish i could be also vertical horizon come on that name sucks so bad yeah i don't i've never thought about it until right now it's just a fucking graph it's a mark mcgrath vertical horizon is just a fucking just a chart about who sucks and for how long these are the kind of things we're trying to get to the bottom of in our new project clandestine apostle oh yeah i haven't listened to that yet oh dude i don't think i'm ready i couldn't get it to work okay well i'll resend you the latest cut we have three songs now and lund the third one is like a new metal like corny link link lincoln park thing and we really want you to sing the hook on it

and we really want you to sing the hook on it we really i'm dead serious dude it's called it's called a thousand miles from sane and dude oh so here's the thing about this this was this little goof around project that we were working on in the house and then last night i go to denver to do the funny final four and bori's there and i sent him the track of course and as soon as i get there he's singing the entire verse to me he's obsessed and then he proceeds to play the song at least 15 times last night while we're rolling around denver he's playing it for people and he's like dead sincere in his fandom of this song he sent to his little brother okay his little brother who's a 19 year old cool guy who is very well versed in the rules and tenets of contemporary hip-hop and he just sent him the link and he said hey what you think

about this and his brother listened to it and said this is very out there the bars are also fairly ruthless what we've done here is we've jumped the uncanny valley we're evil kenevil it's so sincere that it's insincere because we're trying to be satire and i'm really proud of it man i mean we played it for mel last night and mel was like hold on what the fuck right yeah what the fuck are you talking about this is you guys that's that's cool and emily's involved oh emily is emily might have the eight hottest bars on the first song she's talking about gun violence and getting what she wants through violence yeah i mean i wish you guys could listen to it already yeah uh sorry it's okay we're gonna put it we're gonna we're gonna drop the first song on the patreon and then once we have the music video done we'll put it all out as an ep so patrick hasn't left patrick has not left because

okay because he broke his car it's the the perfect plan. And without a car, he can't leave. He started a band the week he was leaving with his landlords. He started a band the 28th of February. And now we're addicted to the power and the pussy that we're getting from this project. I mean, people are coming up to me on the streets and they're saying, hey, thoracic cavity.

Why do you call yourself that? And I'm like, I, thoracic cavity. Why do you call yourself that? And I'm like, I'm thoracic cavity because I'm all heart. That's what I say. Oh, boy. I don't know if that's the way you want to go with it. But Lund, so David is convinced that you need to sing the hook on the third one. And also, yeah, it was Borey's idea. And also, Mel wants to do bars on the next one but lund we

need you to be how many people are going to be in the band i think it's like a nappy root situation where just anyone anyone who's at the cookout can fill up their plate if you know what i mean oh boy this is all the window we use now this fucking the thing about like conscious rap it's so easy to make fun of because it's so sincere. All you do is you say an esoteric adjective and then a stranger noun. You know? Yeah. Oh, sure.

Kaleidoscopic entanglements. All you got to do is say something like that. And then people are like, whoa, this guy knows both those words. Crazy. But David wants you to be Lund in the music video. And he wants you. How are you with heights? Fine.

Okay. We need you sitting on a basketball hoop. And then you're up there. I don't know. And you're just doing like hand dances know camera pans to you and you're just doing like hand dances and stuff and like you know putting your hands in the air it better be a double rim otherwise it may bend if we get that on tape guess what we've got me it going down like the chair and then i just fall off yeah it's like that that special chair that drops you into a pool if you're in a wheelchair.

That's what we need out of this basketball hoop. But can you come up with a fun dance? We need a TikTok dance to go viral. Do the invisible rope. I told Bori last night, I was like, that's where Lund is going to start. I literally told him that. Lund has to come up with a dance. I was like, well, he's shit has to come up with advance and i was like well he's got the lasso and he's like i know he's

got the lasso everyone knows he has the last when i think lond i think invisible lasso he's my wonder woman so but you have to you have to you have to improvise upon the lasso and go from there okay just think about it well maybe we figure this out i haven't heard back from d rod at the comedy fort but uh maybe i'll be up in fort collins in a couple weeks and uh courtney baca is on that show on the 16th i don't know if you knew that oh yeah she told me i didn't know what day i knew she was gonna be in town, though. Yeah. I looked it up. I hit up D-Rod. He has not gotten back to me, but he's probably busy writing his Phoenix Suns fan fiction now that they got KD. I think he's busy writing checks to himself and cashing them.

Whoops. Yeah. He's embezzling so much money up there. He bought a Dodge Viper, which I thought was insane. Yeah, I know. And it's also raised. It's's lifted somehow i didn't even know you could do that just when you forget someone's latino they pull some shit like that he's got it on switches pulls up blasting cypress hill man uh yes they're really going nuts about this uh discord i know potential a couple people are thinking slack keep uh keep talking it out because we don't know about either of them or you're in you you have slack right becker yeah and i hate it oh but have you fucked around

with discord at all yeah discord i think better. I just saw somebody mention Slack as being better, but I haven't used either. Isn't Slack how people at chain restaurants communicate their shifts, switches? Yeah, he uses it for mutant. Yeah, it's a lot of work. Or a lot of journalists and websites, I think a lot of like journalists and websites i think we'll have us we'll be in slack i don't know schools use it now probably discord too though so i don't we'll we'll we'll figure it out and we'll do probably one yeah hey if you're the other not both join

the patreon because we got some big shit cooking over there including this new discord patreon.com slash showygyBohemoth. Just get on there. We're having a lot of fun. Those episodes are ribbled. They are a bit tawdry. You know, we discuss people who have them. People are a little to the point of having to kill themselves because they're so heavy.

We're a little naughtier over there for sure. We're naming names. We're saying, you know, we're naming names. We're making stains. So get over there. We're singing stained yeah dude so we listened to stain last night too on the drive home oh yeah mud shovel or later stuff okay i love you so much but i don't know i don't know the eras of stain dude mud shovel was their first single and it went pretty hard and then they like realized that people liked their more acoustic stuff so then that was all they started

churning out was like softer shit we listened to it's been a while okay you know that one yeah i think that was on the the first album but while since I first saw you. You were 14. It's been a while since I was at the mall watching girls make lemonade.

It's been a while since I was acquitted. They never found her grave. It's been a while since I was acquitted. They never found her grave. It's been a while since I've been to Thailand. Can't wait to go back. Yeah, so that kind of stuff, man. It's just fun to have fun with the boys. I miss you so much.

I haven't seen you. I miss your odors. I miss looking over at you and seeing you on your phone and thinking, that's all mine. That's all mine whenever I want it. I can have that 24 hours a day. I'll let him have fun. I'll let him just scroll for a bit.

I'll let him scroll. The rest is whole. Yeah, come on through, man. Pat will probably be out by then yeah oh yeah so pat he's not leaving it he he his sister sent him a credit card uh to help like with the rental car thing because like the rental car is going to cost like 10 grand up front but then the what kia or whatever will reimburse him yeah because he has to get a rental car for like a couple months you know um so it was lost in the mail blah blah blah but his mom came and picked him up this morning and i don't know what they're up to but maybe they're solving a little problem i call patrick

long john silvers the dentist oh yeah i went to the dentist she's gonna hose him off in a car wash stall yeah Yeah. Just scrubbing him. He needs to like. Use a vacuum on his belly button. Yeah. His body is so funny when it's nude. It's like very smooth. Oh, yeah.

No hair. No. I mean, there's like it looks like there's hair, but it looks like he's been sanded to a fine finish. It's like a patina, like old silverware. Oh god. Yeah, it's very odd to look at him when he's indisposed. He's been smoothed by erosion, by the wind

and the rain. Yeah, it's like he's been standing on a beach for millennia he's windblown yeah he's been polished by nature abraded as we say oh man that's fucking awesome oh uh crow update no crows so far no birds i told emily about that and she's like that's a funny thing to talk about in the podcast and i was like yeah but he was serious and she went oh nathan what you're trying to create a culture of crows on your prize stump in your yard what do you mean what we care about you it's fine it's okay to want to feed some birds

it's not that weird oh i mean dude you just have like so much to give to the world you should put your powers towards i'm doing others i'm doing other stuff too it's not my whole thing what are you doing please tell us nothing shut up you got you got me all right yeah i don't have anything else yeah if you don't know about the crows again join the patreon there it's kind of like we have like a secret family and we visit them once a week and if you want to be one of our you know our delightful little clandestine children, join that Patreon, man. I wonder, is it maybe not regularly,

but I would imagine there's been times where we, because I don't think about the difference between the free ones and the Patreon. So I would imagine sometimes we discuss things, and if you're not on the patreon you don't know what the hell we're talking about i don't know well yeah people are like why don't you just do both episodes back to back and then you people will be enticed to come over and join the patreon it's like so we'll have one good episode and then one episode where we're just like this is much better to get together twice a week kind of stretches out our time with each other

there's more life lived in between recordings you know yeah it's it's hard to do two days in a row let alone two hours in a row and we say it's hard it's not physically laborious it's just hard to continually be funny for you guys and that's all we care about delivering you the hottest product i mean and also lun's super busy between you know trying to trick birds into being his friends and not rolling over on george michael and killing him he's got a big schedule out there i bartend twice a week i mean this shit i don't i i literally don't understand i don't know how people can work like 55 hours a week. It's insane. I mean, I guess I do know they fucking hate it.

Yeah, yeah. No, I mean, fuck. And it sucks. So shout out if you're grinding. Stop. Shout out the working man. Sip of coffee for the working man. Pour out a little motor oil for the guy under the chassis i've got uh i've got this new almond and coconut creamer and i almost got toasted is it califia califia it's toast i won't

name the brand but uh shout them out no no i will say the trader joe's thank you for bringing a little bit of sweet love into my life you know i almost got toasted coconut uh a few days ago at the store but i didn't do it i got regular ass on sweet and we've been doing condensed milk in the coffee now and then and it's pretty good yeah that's like the opposite direction of what i'm going in but it is delightful no it's it's not. It is. Why? Just because like, so I'm trying not to take any dairy and you're literally smushing dairy down on top of each other until it's condensed and thicker.

Smusho milk. Smusho milk, yeah. Do you love milk, but you think, I don't want a neck in there? Then try a new smusho milk. I only drink milk. i only drink on over if the ears are growing directly off the shoulder blades so god people people uh love to send us

smush shows yeah my uh my dms are as a happily married man i'm very grateful that my dms aren't just filled with big titty pigs but i will also say that uh i think my algorithm is skewed now because it's mostly like every third thing on my search page is some kind of deformed freak who looks like he's been put in a paint shaker so thank you guys for uh for corrupting and poisoning my ai experience oh yeah becker becker was going to tell us about a crime he committed but you really wanted me to uh yeah the thing that came up on my record was when i had to run from those drunk dude i didn't have to but i ran from those drunk guys downtown that were trying to like run me off the road they they pulled out in front of me and ophelia's and like almost hit me and then yelled at me the car that was already on the street they were spitting on my car and like trying to get out of the car and like fight me

and it was like several dudes and i was in my little shitty audi with a blown cylinder and they were in a uh jeep srt8 which is like a hellcat jeep whoa becker can you use terms that people who've seen a breast before would understand sure their car was like five times as fast as my car so they were in big car and you were in small car they were in big fast car and i was a small shit car yeah okay and when was this fuck 2016 but it came up on my um background check what is being a pussy like why would what did you do wrong uh at one of the corners when they tried to get out and get in my car and i uh shot away when they pulled forward they clicked with the back of my car and people called it in christ yeah people called it in yeah 9-1-1 what's your emergency i just saw a car kind of hit another car a little bit yeah you gotta get down here mister while we're going

through rhino at like a hundred miles an hour what the fuck okay so they were worried about their children yeah and i'm looking for a cop on sunday morning during brunch like there's always fucking cops everywhere and i can't find one finally find a cop and wave them over and then like a block back where the other car was because i was out running them the whole time because they're not crazy and i think they were a little drunk uh they get them like a block away and sit me on the bench and like the first cop was like all right just just wait here we've got a bunch of calls on this then ask me what happened this was sunday morning or something yeah and then there's a second rookie cop with him who's like hey man do you do you know what that other guy was driving i was like i think it was an srt8 he was like it was how the fuck were you in front of that guy i

was like i was scared uh and the other cop's like look man don't talk to me until i've had my coffee yeah but then the normal the the um chief was hanging out nearby so he came over because there were like seven cop cars in a block and a half pulling me and this guy over this was on reservation no police chief of police and he knows oran and i had met him at charito a couple of times like on sunday mornings when we were doing our podcast and that's where i was headed and so he talked to me for a second he's like hey what are you doing and i told him like i was heading to the podcast before this happened he was like all right well you want to be a guest you want to talk about star wars yeah you have the chief of police but he lets me know what's

gonna happen he's like all right so uh since your car is evidence because they were chasing you and you guys hit each other we're gonna have to impound your car he's like, all right, so since your car is evidence because they were chasing you and you guys hit each other, we're going to have to impound your car. He's like, they're going to take you over to the police station. You're going to have to do something. You were like, you'll never take me alive, pig. But he was like, go for his gun. No one takes my baby away. But he was like, tell Matt, hi, when you get over there, because you'll probably be tied up for like 40 minutes. And I was like tell matt hi when you get over there because you'll

probably be tied up for like 40 minutes and i was like okay thank you and then get in the back of the cop car no cuffs or anything and i got the normal cop in the driver's seat and a rookie cop on the computer in the passenger seat asking the other cop questions about how to fill out the tickets and like uh paperwork while i'm sitting there and then we drive down to the station and they set me down and holding and they're like hey somebody will be with you in a couple of minutes so i'm there for like three and a half hours yeah and then they finally call me over to the window and they're like all right put out your right hand i was like why and they're like so we can book you and i was like no i'm supposed to be here for my

car being impounded and sign some paperwork and then get going and they were like no that's what everyone says and wouldn't believe me because that's what the cops told you or whatever god what you're like that's what big chief wampum told me was gonna happen no then they booked me and put me in jail and they didn't they didn't figure out that they had done the paperwork wrong till 1 30 in the morning when the guy got off shift and went back to do his paperwork and at this point they were already buying your holes for cigarettes in there no i'd like just gotten in my cell like at like 11 and was getting ready to go to bed and so you were through and it turns

out you were fucking a guy at that point yeah like i've been in here for 40 minutes like i'm not gonna start fucking guys what do you expect i'm just a man yeah what what what were they holding you for like leaving the scene of an accident no it was just that like on the jail's perspective they were like no it was checked right here we're detaining you like they didn't have all the paperwork and then when it was all put in when the cops got back from their shift it was obvious that i wasn't being held so they came and let me out in the middle of the night on a sunday like no judge had seen my thing it was definitely a clerical error that the rookie cop fucked it up yeah as soon as you get out you check your phone

and there's like 18 missed calls from jeff albright and a bunch of texts it's like we're waiting we're waiting for you we've had so much so many margaritas get the hell over here get over here you're like it's 2 a.m it's like well we've been waiting for 12 hours come on in we've been recording we've been recording for 12 hours get in here yeah mitch is finally cracking open the mysteries of deep space nine but when i when i finally went to court they charged me with destruction of personal property instead of like aggravated driving or uh reckless reckless driving or anything like that because it's a municipal ordinance it's not like a felony or a misdemeanor it's like a step above a traffic ticket

mr becker you're being charged with ghost riding that thing yeah and their whole reasoning was like you should have pulled over and called the cops and let these guys do more property damage to your shit try to pull you out of your car you should have yeah you should have let them drag you out of your vehicle and curb stomped you like american history x then we could have shot them it would be great for everyone yeah they were definitely charging me just so that it would be harder for me to take recourse for them uh jailing me incorrectly which i wasn't gonna do yeah like because it was yeah it's an honest mistake they got me in and out of there in a day it was a rookie cop filling out a computerized form like you know it sucked but it wasn't the end of the world i wasn't gonna sue these guys

they didn't keep me in there for a week i didn't lose my job or anything so they're like all right mr becker we're gonna let you go with tom swerved yeah so they gave me that dumb charge and then when i ran my own background check on myself to check all my felonies and misdemeanors and make sure everything was closed or cleared uh that didn't come up because it's not a fucking felony or misdemeanor so that when they ran my background check at this company they found it and you're gonna have to be your own bails bondsman when you go in i tried that that night i was like can i please have a personal requisite bond i've never been jailed in denver county hi i'm the heir to the becker bails bonds fortune yeah my dad and dog the bounty hunter beat up a bunch of kids and five points in 1988

check my record i was conceived days afterward my mom was there when they let me out because the the agent was also imprisoned no the bonding agent at the desk knew who i was they knew my mom nice so they'd already called her to be like hey your son's getting booked right now because i didn't get your son's getting dicked over by us right now yeah we blew it we blew it and now we're doubling down yeah we're really blowing it over here so if you could come down you could stop you could stop this fucking circus from spiraling out of control well yeah my mom what a fucking and my mom was pissed that i didn't call her because she probably could have gotten something done because she knows everybody at the jails and i was like i thought i was there to sign paperwork like why would i have used the

phone for anything i didn't think i was in trouble yeah they should have put up the becker signal which is just a pair of glasses smoking two cigarettes at once this is becker we're down here honking our own horns uh your boys getting used and abused in there you know how they do on sunday night you can be here pretty quick that'd be great uh becker i went to jail once for like a light rail ticket i didn't pay and or no this was i went to be able for a noise complaint when i lived at uh alameda and emerson you were doing stand-up this shit sucks my ears my kid's trying to go to sleep over here this guy's asking people what they do for a living

and how long they've been dating god give it a rest uh i'd like to uh have this guy arrested he claims to be a fudge judge i got a noise rock complaint this guy's fucking banging on drums and screaming unintelligible nonsense into a microphone that's distorted get over here now that's literally what we were doing we used to have band practice in our fucking kitchen at uh alameda house and they'd come all the time and we'd hide in the basement and then finally finally they came and i opened i was like someone's got to answer the door and i was the oldest one somehow so i answered the door and they were like all right they didn't have any shoes on so they take me to jail i spend like you know eight hours reading the bible in a cell with

a smelly hobo and uh so I go into a court in the morning. Do they give you flip flops or anything? They gave me those weird socks like the suicide socks. Yeah. With the grip on the bottom. Yeah. Yeah. They're like like hospital socks.

And they're like, all right. Wait, why did you why did they arrest you? Because they had been there other times and didn't get anybody. Yeah. I think the cop said we're so over it this house is so annoying somebody's going to jail and i for sure like got in there like you can't take us all down pig fuck you man i know my rights and then like by the time we hit like sixth avenue from alameda i was like crying in the back of the car.

Please don't take me in. I don't have shoes on. I have college in the morning. I'm a good boy. I'm a good boy. I got mixed up with the wrong crew. Please, please don't take me to jail. Save me from the devil known as rock and roll.

Yeah. Rock and roll. Don't take me to jail. Take me to church, officer. And then you get there and you have to sign the if you're raped agreement, you won't take a shower. So that's kind of jarring. That's no good. Yeah. You got to save the evidence in all your holes and crevices.

Yep. So that I can sit on a fucking shelf. Yeah, exactly. So then you can tattle and they'll treat you even worse hey this is uh this is to keep you from tattling so i go to the judge in the morning and he's like so you were brought here for a noise complaint and you spent the night in jail and i was like yes your honor and he's like all right well time served and i was like your honor he's like yes mr talent i was like i just want the record to show that i was brought to jail without shoes my shoes were right by the door i could have put

them on and the judge was like okay what do you want me to do about this and i was like i don't know i just thought the record should state that i just i like looked around the courtroom like i was fucking matlock like i just thought everyone should know this is this is for the next guy who's rocking and rolling and his own home barefoot yeah because with his shoes on his head hits the top of the basement i would like the record to state that in my expert opinion no one can be mad at me i just want to make sure that future generations know that the police were not mad at me when they arrested me they were just doing their job yes they were just doing what the taxpayers pay them to do. No one was mad. Where were you at?

Alameda and what? Emerson. Emerson. I lived there from 19 to 20. Actually, I think I turned 21 in that house. A lot of sexy shenanigans went down there. You're the old man. No, I mean, yeah, I mean, Bonzo bonzo lived there crusty kevin schultz gamgee

the first thing i thought of when you said that was you fingering someone with cigarette stained fingers yeah yeah cigarette stain dorito grease oh my god yeah like resin just like fingernails caked with resin she's like like, oh, man, when you finger me, I feel kind of high and sleepy. I got stoned. I'm straight edge. I'm straight edge, you son of a bitch. You're not straight now. You're gay, mister.

I got you. You're gay soft. I can tell. You're so soft for me. There's no edge. Yeah, that was bad. That was a bad time what band uh i think we were called drugs at that point i don't know chris eddie was involved chris eddie would play harmonica

and we'd be like all right keep it up eddie and then just like turn his mic down slowly oh yeah was he in chutzpah no no chutzpah was clay tohan pat and bill who bill now that's what i was thinking of he'll now like works for harvard to teach them how to be smarter he got like three phds from penn after moving to denver to play in like a cow punk band for a while he's the man yeah he's the fucking man uh but yeah in that house we had a fucking cherry tree in the backyard and a big thing we would do would be to pull all the cherry no i think it was a plum tree it was small little pitted fruit and we'd pull all the the fruit off and then we would the fence went right along alameda so we would just fucking pelt cars with handfuls of fruit all the time

then they'd pull over and they'd get out and be like what the fuck and then we'd all go around the corner like seven of us and be like come on our property see what happens man you know just like seven feral 20 to 19 year olds like trying to fight people who were just going to work i remember uh we did it was really hot that summer and we didn't have like ac of course crazy that's crazy yeah i know hold on summer summer hot wait till you hear what happened in winter spoiler alert it was cold so uh we like would we our friend reed berry taught us that a good way to cool off when it's hot and this was this was breaking news to us take a cold shower so i remember we would uh we would all go take cold showers like and one day it was so hot that like five of us went in there

at once uh with our trunks on of course no yeah we weren't nude we were we were never i would you know how much better the story would be if we were just like our tiny little pingos if we were in there with our cherries cut in half that would have been so much better because we get out of the shower and we come out and we're all giggling and playing grab ass and these two super hot chicks we went to high school with are sitting on the couch because they came over to buy weed and they were like what were you guys doing kevin schultz was like we're taking a cold one you were just all showering together what the fuck we're like yeah it's cold we're cold now look at you you're hot why don't you

go just take a shower we don't need this 60 week eighth of beasters thank you we're out of here what are you eating little pieces of gum really little shreds of gum yeah oh yeah somebody shared the the gum we were talking about was that aj yeah aj splendor she's got them and we're glad to have them what were they called freshener freshener knows uh what freshen up freshen up yeah was then that was it right the old squirt gum nice i don't think i ever had that shit i don't remember it becker's gone dark yeah becker becker's gone becker couldn't handle it all those flashbacks to his time as a run around boy now it's just us it's really just us whoa yeah oh becker's back what'd you do pick your nose no i was moving around i'm having uh stomach aches okay well

yeah what'd you eat i had uh chili relleno yesterday like 20 minutes after i woke up and i think it's coming for me now yeah 20 minutes after you opened your eyes to the world you were pounding chili rellenos and some pretty spicy green chili what it was good we went to a restaurant yesterday for lunch that's like uh never open yeah they're open for 35 minutes a day every four days i don't know it's it's a weird it's kooky weird hours of operation for sure and uh cool building it's a neat fucking setting yeah there's a big stage it looks like in a movie there'd be a band playing like caballero music and then a giant fight would break out at like a like a quinceanera brawl would be you would shoot that in el rancho yeah or like from dust till dawn like when i'm in there i think about like fucking tom savini having

a a gun for a dick because it just has a very particular vibe to it it's pretty sweet yeah it'd be cool to i wish there were like pictures of it back when it was a strip club oh i don't know if i knew that what's the name of that like famous english guy he was like you know the dude who smoked cigarettes or he smoked cigars and drank like two bottles of champagne every day and like said quips to people about how they sucked dudley moore no no no he was like he was like he like led the uk during uh like world war ii churchill right churchill yeah dudley moore becker is loving the dudley Moore joke. Well, I figured you knew Churchill. So I thought it was somebody more... No.

You guys were talking about some fucking set from Breaking Bad 2, and I'm over here trying to think of Churchill. Fuck. Goddamn. It would be a fantastic Breaking Bad set. Well, I'm just thinking about you thinking you're Churchill eating a chili relleno in bed. I can't wait to come up with just a bevy of clever

quips later in the day but first my fuel if you give the chili relleno a cigarette you're like here we go taste for you mine sweet he had a whole churchill had a whole i think i've seen his like regimen typical yeah typical drinking regimen it was like hunter thompson where it was like champagne in the morning and then uh cognac after lunch or whatever yeah it was a whole fucking rigmarole yeah there's like a bunch of marathon there's a bunch of youtube videos of people trying to like do churchill's daily regimen from like the start of the day to the end of the day and they just get like puke drunk after the third cigar they're just a bunch of guys throwing up on their pillowcases on youtube i can't get enough of that content let me tell you speaking of

that was like the ancient tortoise waking up that was the turtle that carries us through space. It's back. You play it back. The world will end on November 3rd, 2028. Why didn't we hear that on the first one? Dude, it's so funny to think about those cult leaders who pick a day for apocalypse,

and then they're just sitting there pouting at midnight 01 the following day like i must have like calculations wrong and then there's a bunch of chicks there who's like why have we been sucking your dick and letting you fuck our daughters for the last seven years what the hell franklin what gives franklin what gives man i gave i gave everything to you i signed over my house i sold my car hey christ too what's the deal with this that was every other that was like two-thirds of the fucking pastors and priests i think with nine with uh y2k yeah the church that my mom made me go to the guy was like oh yeah this is like this is it like 2000 jesus is coming back this is it for like months and months

and it was like oh shit like this is crazy like he's an adult he must maybe he knows something whatever he's got some connection to the next realm or whatever the fuck. He's seeing through the veil. Not that I was getting scared, but I was also 16 or whatever. So, yeah. And then nothing happens. And he's just like, all right, well, I'll see you next Sunday. Bring money.

It's like, what the fuck, man? You were fucking quivering in your tiny wooden shoes, just thinking you were about to get taken up up to god i was scared of going to hell because i was jacking it and getting laid yeah and also wearing homemade shoes and blasting corn and limp biscuit yeah when your mom turned your back you would cover up your fist and then hold up one finger from behind your hand and then she'd look over and you'd pull your hand away and it turned out it was your ring finger and not the middle finger and you're like i got you mom you can't be mad at me still going to heaven yeah keep my seat warm jesus i'm coming up yeah it's like uh i thought i thought that uh i messed done my calculations wrong, everyone. I'm so sorry about that.

If you'll excuse me, I forgot something in the shed. Onto the next one. Yeah. Most of them do just move the goalpost and then everyone's like, okay. It's sunken okay. Yeah. It's sunken costs. They're in so deep, and their kids have been married and banged out, even though they can't conceive children.

The classic God works in mysterious ways. Who are we to interpret his doctrine? Yeah. Stay tuned for the next email from God with a new date for you to fear yeah i gotta go back up on the roof and get the satellite dish set to jesus so uh if you'll excuse me everyone big rig yeah that's pretty good foley work right yeah semi oh he doesn't have a semi. He's full pink. Thinking about all those kids waiting for him in Reno. Reno.

Reno, Reno, Reno, honey. I'm going to Reno. Gonna park around. Gonna park around. Gonna go to college. So what do we got coming up here?und what's next for you uh march 17th i will be in denver colorado uh at the coffee joint uh no alcohol so uh get get drunk beforehand don't get drunk have a nice little buzz come to the show i think you might not be able to smoke please please get totally fucked up and go to lunch show get black

out ruin the show throw something in my head yeah i'm showing there moon him actually pants him and push him in there give him the old give him the old waist down hi-ho he loves that go up to him while he's on stage and make him flinch go what and yeah i hope for one of those people hopefully i'll be able to come up to uh fort collins the day before and we can record that that hook dude you better have some bars ready for that what do you mean i thought it was written no no you can't you have to come in with your own stuff jesus christ we just set the table we said we set the table we don't make the meal no that doesn't make sense i thought that there was that there was so you'll sing whatever i write for you that's what you're telling me that's a better option i thought you had something cool

and i don't know i get i don't know I thought you were saying. You said that you needed me to sing the hook. So I figured that you had come up with it and it fit me. I don't know. You thought that we wrote something and we're like, the only person whose voice this fits is Lund? Yeah. Oh, no. We want you to come collab with us.

We want you to be a feature on the new track because it's like that new metal sound that you love. Oh, really? I thought you were going to use him like Ashante, but you want to use him like Nate Dog. Yeah, exactly. We want him to come in with his own drops and be like, ooh, you snapped on that one, Nasty.

Okay, well, yeah, hopefully I can come up in a couple weeks. I invited all your friends over for that night. So you better be here. Who? Sammy Pissiotta. Sammy P.

Yep. Kick Holland. Nick will be here. Paul Ramirez. Paul Ramirez will be here. Yeah. Thick Paul, the no neck monster. Smushito. Dude. smushito dude smushito maximo no one's more smushed than the turtle himself paul you think of a rap name too what would you what's your rap

name gonna be lun oh i i don't know and come on old sid old sid old sid. See, it's that easy. Becker, what about you? Me rapping? Yeah. What's your rap name? I don't know. What was that? Jeep ST8? SRT8.

SRT8. That's you. Oh, man. I'm a Chrysler product. You'd be STR8. You'd be straight fire. STR8. The smell cat.

Instead of Hellcat, what if you're like smell cat better than smell dog great or hell dog no you had a hounds of hell i had nailed it with smell cat then you kept scratching and now you're bleeding oh dude i'm bleeding have you guys ever seen documental on amazon prime what no oh fuck what's that okay there's like five seasons on there and it's this fucking asian guy who looks like he's like he's japanese joe rogan he's like buff and he wears tight clothes and he has bleach blonde hair. And he hosts this game show where they lock 10 Japanese comedians in a room. And if you laugh, you're out. So it's just six episodes of Japanese people trying to make other Japanese people laugh. And then when the bit bombs, they all discuss why it bombs.

And it is my favorite thing going right now dude yeah oh my god like and then what is it it's called documental okay you gotta watch it because they all bring a bag full of gags too right some are going physical some they're all going physical no one's saying anything they're all falling down yes they're all falling down. Yes, they're all falling down. They're all putting hats on that have boobs built into them. One of the thumbnails is literally a lady with three, six, nine, 12 hot dogs in her mouth. That's not a lady. That's from season five.

That's Jimmy, and he's dressed like a nurse. Whenever anyone does anything bad, he goes, ooh, no, no, no. whenever anyone does anything bad he goes oh no no no so yeah they brought a bunch of fish sausages and cram them in his mouth how'd you find it that went on some tinder date with a with a mentally ill woman this was her favorite show thank god thank god he did i know Look at how happy you are. I wish that I didn't have anything going on in my life and I could just fucking put on documentary right now and watch it until the cows come home. Dude, there's this guy who's the master of funny face humor. And he wears a cowboy pad.

His name's like Hollywood Zocamitsu. I see him. I see him in the thumbnail. Hollywood. Yeah. And his whole thing. People. People will be talking.

The comedians will be talking. And then he'll just go up to some guy beside him. And he'll go like. And like make a funny face. And then the guy will look over at him and be like. Very good Zocamitsu. But you didn't get me this time. And then Zocamitsu and be like very good zoki mitsu but he didn't get me this time and then zoki mitsu would be like ah thank you thank you 24 7 you're trying to get

people out six hours is how long the game goes six hours it's six episodes and they get eliminated by fucking japanese joe rogan who's like the arbiter of who laughed and who didn't laugh hard enough and what is a smile they're always drinking water bottles they're always drinking water bottles to cover up their smiles and they'll come in and be like no more water the water is removed from the room you're misusing your water purposes weird all right yeah there's other to check it out there's other cultures versions but they're called laugh last one laughing lol no way yeah so there's more to this there's a mexican one there's an australian one there's a canadian one oh god uh i don't want to be able to on amazon there's a port there's a spanish one from spain are you just on it's online it's on prime it's

just all the spinoffs are called last one laughing instead of uh documentary which is such a weird choice well i'm sure it was translated from like ultimate humor challenge to evoke the rights of the ancients or something you know it's very japanese oh but they don't french ones so i don't want to watch a French guy not laugh. What else is new? German. So, yeah, dude, but it's really fun. You guys should watch it. And I was talking last night about Pat because, like, they'll make it without laughing. Like, some people don't ever laugh. And it's like, I wouldn't make it through the intros.

Yeah. Lock me in a room with nine Japanese people doing funny faces and eating sausages. I'm done done i'm ruined yeah they'll come one guy will come in with a costume and he'll be like i am sorry the priest bit was not very good i must remove it and he takes it off and he's like dick is in like a finger trap and they'll be like this is funny you can see his testicles from the side very good i love it it's just like a clinical very japanese understanding of what is funny and they'll be like oh yes if the wig was more akimbo maybe it would have created laughter

they fucking take a vacuum cleaner to a guy's balls and dick that's his idea he's like what if we played the pan game and they all know what the pan game is somehow so he like goes and gets a tray and puts it over his balls and dick and he's like yes this will be a good job for the vacuum cleaner yes let us utilize the vacuum and then they get the vacuum and he like lifts up the pan and then they jam the vacuum at him with like the nozzle and he gets his balls caught in this fucking vacuum like three times and as he's doing it he's screaming and as soon as they turn off the vacuum they're like that was good but your screams were too loud maybe if you weren't so loud it would have been funnier and he's like holding his balls looking up being like yes yes that is that is very good

thank you you're my old my elder i respect you when did you start watching this i think it's my third night was last night me and pat were running home from fucking denver so we get our documental in it's the greatest show on turf do you want to plug any dates or are you good i do but first of all i forgot to tell you this uh last night i did brian sullivan's funny final four show very good work it was a roast show ben duncan was hilarious uh some lady said to ben duncan uh you look like you need a uber xl for your uber eats order so that was very funny whoa nice that was my favorite joke of the night yeah like duncan want it shout out donkey but dude they made fucking poor mitch jones uh just like go on stage completely cold to start the show because ryan sullivan and bk were the hosts but before they did their thing

they just fucking threw mitch up there like ladies and gentlemen thank you for coming to world-class comedy please lance your cell phones no interrupting the crowd no flash photography and now welcome to the stage a comedian what goes up there and he's like have you ever thought about what it would look like if i was a penguin or whatever he does, you know? But yeah, for poor Mitch just got fucking thrown to the wolves. And then he introduced them. Yeah.

And then BK goes out there with Brian. I said, Oh wow. When I did my set, I said, Oh wow, this shows great. A black guy talking over an Indian.

Where are we? The bus. Oh dude. And then the fucking DJ, there was a DJ on stage and i kept doing the hit it thing and he would blow it and then like i told a joke that was mean about tyree dillard and uh and he who's a half man i don't know if you know tyree very funny guy because i do he's not a half man he's a whole man he's a whole man he's built different uh and uh so i said something about him and the fucking DJ played the. Oh, boy. Price is right.

And boy, everyone loved it except for one person. One person was secretly furious. Yeah, I would imagine. But had the grin and bear it. Yes. DJs. Yes. DJ Craftmatic. You will Add the grin and bear it. Yeah. DJs. Yes. DJ craftmatic.

You will rue the day craftmatic. Anyway, here we are with my dates. This is me, Sam talent, a second mic on the pod. I am in Ann Arbor on March 4th. There's still tickets available to the blind pig.

Go get those. Grand Rapids is sold out. Sorry, everyone. Toronto, the 10th and 11th. If you're at South by Southwest, hit me up. I'll be there. Vermont Comedy Club, the 24th and 25th up there in Burlington, Vermont. Come to that.

Providence, the first show sold out. We're going to add a second show on the 23rd. New Hartford, Connecticut. If you're in New York City or you know anyone in New York City, we sold the shit out of the first show on March 23rd, new Hartford, Connecticut. If you're in New York city or, you know, anyone in New York city, we sold the shit out of the first show on March 30th at union hall. Second show. I haven't been promoting, but it's still there.

So buy those tickets, please. Cause what an embarrassing situation that would be to have one sold out show the late show, and then have to sit through the first one where no one's there. Morgantown, West Virginia, the 31st.

Let's see. Oh oh i'll be in paris i'm doing a little week alone in paris everybody to research my next novel whoa comedy works this is the big one i've been told last night there's 40 tickets left for the comedy work show april 13th buy those tickets it's downtown we're gonna have a real who's that of comedy on that lineup april 13th comedy work sell it out so i can show everyone mitch jones going up cold yeah that's the new that's the new model i'm gonna make mitch jones go up there and get on all fours and then everyone's gonna come out and treat him like the stool even with even without uh the the sound guy, sound booth introduction, it's just Mitch wandering out. Hey, everybody.

We're going to have a comedy show. What if a big guy had a wacky voice? I'm Mitch Jones. I felt so bad for Mitch. And then they forgot to bring him on stage at the end when they brought everyone out there. So that was just brutal. Cedar Rapids, Houston, Philadelphia, Lafayette. Hey, samtalent.com, everybody. Samtalent. hey sam talent.com get those tickets sell them out we love you we need you join the goddamn patreon you nasty freaks we're having fun over there

come on love y'all