Chubby Behemoth - Square Pig

Episode Date: July 27, 2023

This episode is brought to you by Better Help. Get on your way to being you best self & save 10% on your 1 st month of therapy at https://www.betterhelp.com/CHUBBY   Head to https://www.manscaped.com for 20% off & free shipping with promo code CHUBBY   Support the show & get 50% off delicious Factor meals at https://factormeals.com/CHUBBY50 & use code CHUBBY50   Jizz In The Conditioner. Gweegwohs In Paris. Bonzo.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

Hey everyone, this episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. And now to read this ad, we have a special guest, Dr. Gabe Pissiotta. Sometimes it's way easier to talk to a stranger about your problems than it is to talk to your family or your best friend. This is why therapy is so important. Your therapist will never have to attend a family dinner with that relative you've been complaining about. And if you're looking for a total stranger who can help you through life's problems, BetterHelp is an amazing resource. Take it from me, Dr. Gabe Pissiotta.

I remember after my daughter died, I had a tough time going outside and looking at the sun without thinking of her shining face. And now I talk to a professional every week and I don't get scared whenever I cross the street thinking about what that box truck did to her tiny frail body. No, I don't.

And I can go to the popcorn shop and I can get myself a tasty malt without thinking about how that was the last thing her sweet tongue tasted before she went up to see grandma and grandpa in heaven. before she went up to see grandma and grandpa in heaven. So yeah, I think therapy's the number one thing to do if you're a man or a woman or a non-binary person like myself. Dr. Gabe Pissiotta, they, them. DDS. It better help us entirely online, so you can do therapy whenever and wherever works for you. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched.

Brief, much like my daughter's fleeting life. To get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapist, I would switch over to hell just to fight the devil to give me one more kiss on her sweet lips at any time for no additional charge. So let therapy be your map with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.comcom chubby today to get 10 off your first month that's better help help.com chubby i miss you pull this down a little so that it's not all that was cool that we had doctor

yeah it was cool we had dr gabe pisciotta to read that better how bad yeah that was cool that we had Dr. Gabe Pissiotta to read that better. Yeah, that was cool. I liked hearing from Dr. Gabe. He's really going through hell right now, questioning whether he should stick around or try to see if he can find his daughter on the other side. But for now, he's hanging in there. He should just use that Ouija board that we brought him back from Tokyo. Just kidding. We're still here, everybody. Welcome to an episode of Shai Behemoth from the land of the rising sun and the land of the sweaty buns, Tokyo, Japan.

Tokyo in July. What a nightmare. What a fatal mistake this has been. You would think that, you know, the sun rises in the east and then very quickly says goodbye and leaves tokyo to uh be a nice cool paradise but no it heats up the concrete early and often and uh you're left to just bake in your own juices yeah which i can see that he's not really on camera anything about on your. Stop being like around the corner. Yeah. Quit being around the horn.

Max Kellerman. Yeah. And Woody Page. Woody Page was a mainstay. Always looking hung over as hell. Yeah. He just has giant bags under his eyes. Much like I have giant balls when we're outside.

My balls have never been so far outside of my body as they have been in old Japan. Yeah. They're really, if they went inside, they would just bake. It would be like a thousand year old egg. God. It's an egg based culture. There's a lot of eggs being traded. There was a guy that tried to sell you as an egg.

He's like, come over here around the corner in this alley. And you're like, I'm onto you, Eggman. Yeah. It's like, come over here around the corner in this alley. And you're like, I'm on to you, Eggman. Yeah, I was like, oh, I'm not falling for this again. You had a pretty good egg riff earlier that we're not going to be able to recreate. That was a lot of fun. Well, yeah, you asked if I was big, still eating a lot of eggs, because I used to brag about how many eggs I could put away without blinking an eye. And I said, no, Megan and i were eating eggs pretty regularly and enjoying them and then really

without saying anything to each other we stopped buying them and we've meant to go out to a farm uh i think it's in honi and there's eggs that you can you just show up and you like leave the money drop it into the the box or something and then take eggs so it's like take a penny leave a penny but with eggs well you leave a penny take an eighth of an egg how much do you have to pay for an egg you think how much does one egg cost i don't know because i would go out there and i would buy them one by one and really confuse the chickens you buy an egg a day yeah the chickens aren't out there selling the eggs no they're not i thought it was like when the migrant workers grew the fruit and then stole enough bushels to sell on the side of the highway that's what i thought was going on you don't put down your money and then the a

or the chicken nods to you turns around and shits out an egg for you. Yeah, the chicken lights a cigarette, puts it in the ashtray, and it says, all right, you have until the cigarette's gone to eat that egg. It's chicken sluts. Yeah, so let's talk about this. How many eggs have you eaten in your life? Let me check my phone. Oh, yeah, you have an egg a day calendar i have a note i have a notes uh file uh i just put an e for each egg i had an egg today yeah i want to brag i had in my ramen god that ramen was good becker i didn't know that you hated ramen and sushi or i wouldn't have brought you i like ramen a lot you didn't have any ramen look i gotta we gotta get to this right away

driving me crazy barely becker yeah you're on thin ice already all right you brag all the time on this podcast it's in fact some would say it's your whole thing it's your total bag of that i eat a lot do you eat a lot you're always like like, I eat a lot. I love eating. Sorry, guys. I can't podcast. Busy eating. But on this trip, you have eaten barely anything in front of me. I had a lot of the den last night and yesterday after I finally got stoned. You did not eat a lot of the den. I had quite a bit of the den.

You ate the same amount we all ate. We all ate quite a bit of the den. It didn't feel like a lot. It didn't. i did not feel like a fucking uh bag of sand afterward i didn't feel like the first breast i ever touched i think it was all relatively healthy food we were eating like grilled stuff and baked stuff and small portions yeah we didn't hit it up to a nice meal but yeah i thought we were gonna like hit at mcdonald's afterwards yeah shout out to uh gabe gabe which is his name yes shout out to gabe who you tried to convince me over breakfast coffee that the man's name was gabe yeah i thought he said that i thought he corrected us early on and then i thought he corrected you again when we were in that secret place.

That's how you know that I trust you and that I shouldn't. And I was like, oh, no, I feel bad that the man's name is Gabe. And I literally said, so Gabe B. That was the third thing I said to him. Gabe B. All right. Like we used to say to that guy who worked at the Jimmy John's. And Bonzo remembers that guy. Bonzo's hiding from the pod. But yeah, up gabe and was like hey man serious question is your name gabe or gabe

and he responded gabe of course and i said yeah becker had me convinced that it was gay i wasn't gaslighting you i'm just dumb. And then Gabe asked if we could take some artistic Polaroids of us. Nice. And I didn't respond because that's a weird follow-up. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Let's let him do it.

Let's let him do it. He didn't say tasteful nudes or anything. He didn't say boudoir shots. We should bring him over here. We should bring him over here and turn the AC off and let him come in that jungle we've got going on back there. The only thing saving this place is the AC being on. Otherwise it would be

fucked. It smells so bad in my bed. You keep getting in there without rinsing the sink. It's like I'm crawling in a dead horse every time I get into bed. Of course, what we're supposed to do is we're supposed to line up when we get here like good boys and all take a shower.

Yes. You know what we should do when we get here like good boys and all take a shower? Yes. We should just, you know what we should do when we get home from now on? Take our, pop those shirts off and just all get in that big old shower together. Close each other down. Yeah, that'd be fun. Bonzo? There's room.

Is your camera lens steam resistant? There's no steam. Are you taking a hot shower? Oh, yeah. What? You're taking cold showers? Yes. It feels good. Don't react in horror. Are you taking hot showers?

I mix it up. I'll do. So you haven't taken a hot shower yet? The first one might have been kind of warm, but the last couple have been pretty cold because it feels good. How about you? All cold.

No. Yes. Kind of lukewarm. I turned the warm on a little bit. I have not touched the cold nozzle. I just cranked the hot. I swear on our friendship and the success of this podcast. You only care about one of those.

Yeah. That seems crazy to me. Well, hey, I do a lot of nuts. Why have it be so hot? Because I like to get clean in there. I'm not getting clean when it's cold. The soap cleans you, not the temperature of the water. Soap.

The what? You know about soap. I'm using the soap. I'm that dove and i use that with a b my name's dub yeah i use that dove i tried to use that dove for a uh a little research project this morning you're pulling i couldn't sleep this morning i went back for one last heist one final score you know what i keep you know where i perpetrated what i jacked the last night in mexico didn't we share a bed share the bed i went in the bathroom oh okay that's fine i don't care what you do in the bathroom i just i love when i can care what you do in the bathroom. I love when I can hear what you do in the bathroom. You should know that I jacked. You didn't jack in Mexico, did you?

No. But you should know that I stealthed you this morning. I did it in the bed. I swear to God I did. I can show you the sock. Fuck.

Why? Why not? What are you going sock. Fuck. Why? Why not? What are you going to do with that sock? Same thing with all my clothes. Burn them. It's another wrecked garment. Send them to the president. Yeah, here you go, Biden.

Take a whiff of this. Maybe this will remind you what hard work smells like. Damn. Yeah, I had to. I couldn't sleep. I thought that would alleviate my brain tension. It did not. I laid awake.

That's why I jacked it in Mexico. I couldn't sleep and I wanted to get to bed. So I went and I thought I should have done it a lot earlier. I did it at like nine 30. No. Yeah. I was up at nine. You're so, you're so self-involved and up your own ass you even noticed i was over there pulling my

blood you're full of shit you're not full of cum but you are full of shit now becker is honking uh a thch pen it's almost gone you've had it for less than 24 hours i gotta i got you need better help. I got multiple ones. You're running. You should talk to Dr. Gabe Pissiotta. Okay. Gabe? I don't remember. I think it was Gabe. Yes, Gabe.

But yeah, anyway, Becker hasn't been eating a lot and it's kind of upsetting me because I feel like I've let you down because I'm not picking the right restaurants. No, not at all. I just didn't have an appetite until I started getting high on THCA. But even this morning, all you had was some dumplings. And you ate like four dumplings and you were like,

these are the best! They were really good. They were like porky. Porky big. Yeah, and that crispy chili crisp they have. That chili crisp was very good. That was amazing. Yeah. What? Bonzo? What are you laughing at? It.m every day explain that yeah yeah i never eat in the morning it makes me feel sick i want you to pile on though i'll pile

on just do it for me last night i was doing as much as i could do it for the giver i skipped like a fish and some fish cakes yeah because you don you don't like fish. I don't like fish. Maybe we should do the Unagi place at McDonald's and just go back and forth until the cops come. Yeah. Wee-oo, wee-oo, wee-oo. The cops here are all 65 years old. Yeah. And all they do is smile or they hold up the X while smiling.

Well, we got stopped when we... They hit you with the X factor. We want to hit you with an X. That's what killed China. And we're in Japan, so that's ironic. We tried to go walk through a giant park that led to, I think, one of the bigger shrines in Tokyo. The Miji Giji.

And we weren't allowed to enjoy our Starbucks cold brew while walking through the forest. And you read the cops stopped one. You wrecked me at Starbucks. You got me so good. That lady, she walked up and she spoke very good English. He said, Have you made a decision? And you ordered? And then she asked us after i ordered together or separate and you went together and then you went same shirt you're wearing the same lobster shirt and she went like yes very good i'm well aware that they're the same shirt and i was like secretly laughing very hard well i thought it was it's a continuation of the bit i know

together separate oh yeah we've been together for or no 12 crazy years we've been together yeah we've been together a long time it's like no i'm just friends whatever the response is but yeah for this it was more like uh what do you think we have the same shirt on of course we do everything together i want to ask you this too i came into tokyo a day before you guys to kind of set up here get the lay of the land and you had some grand conspiracy that i came in a day early for secret reasons something else you kept saying oh yeah i want to make sure i know how to get us from the airport to the airbnb literally i did i was like that's not a reason to show up a day early what is the real reason and you're like i'll never tell well i want i mean i literally wanted to make sure because i know how cranky

you can get when you haven't had any sleep or six meals sure enough yeah i was cranky you wanted to kill that nice man i was cranky man yeah i didn't think it would fuck with me until i couldn't sleep on the plane and i was like oh good i'm fucked and the crank got off the plane and just felt very weird and off yeah i was so gross i didn't think that i was that gross until like you got held waiting to get off the plane and then it was like oh god they were like the last hour i was like fuck man i reek and this dude next to me knows it and he hasn't said anything because he's nice he also doesn't speak english you know i had a white guy next to me an american dude who who was going to be in japan for five hours before taking another plane to guam for work he was going to be in japan for five hours before taking another plane to guam for work

he was going to be in guam for two days and then he was flying home so i don't know it's a contract killer cia operative whatever yeah what the hell pineapple impregnator what the maybe he uh maybe he like makes the world's biggest scales i couldn people. So he had to go to Guam. I didn't know where Guam was. You didn't know where Guam is? Guamdebomb.com. If I would have had to guess, I would have said like in the Caribbean.

Central America? You didn't know where Guam is? No. You're supposed to be the smart one. Where's Guam? Becker's the guy in the chair. Where's Guam? Becker's our oracle.

Guam is in part of the pacific island chains it's like near hawaii nor my near micronesia uh near samoa okay i guess maybe i thought it was uh near hawaii but yeah that's really near and also a flight to guam is like 15k hawaii but yeah that's really near but also a flight to guam is like 15k jeez yeah because they just like if you need to go to guam guess what you're so we got you by the balls damn and it's also some of the biggest pig people in the world what it's like they love eating big or they're huge folks both whoa yeah column a and column b in fact a lot of people accidentally get cannibalized in Guam because they fall asleep on the beach and then the locals being so hungry yeah they just you

know the sand the wind blows the sand over the body and he wakes up he's baked he's half eaten by his uh his nephews and his Usus yeah, that was your flight experience. You sat next to a Guam guy. You showed up a day early for our benefit. I did. And I flew out of Chicago. I flew first class from Detroit to Chicago because

no one's getting upgraded on that flight. And then, no upgrade for me. I didn't want to spend a big bag of money to fly up front so i was an old 33l i sit down in the window and guy on the aisle is a real cut buff american soldier who's coming over here to perpetrate whatever secret crimes soldiers do uh probably sex stuff um probably some gun violence probably both without consent um and who sits between us well more like what's that between it was uh the god planet chronos between us um it was a man who look we're big guys and i know a lot

of this pod just evolves into us talking about what kind of freaks we sit next to on airplanes but if we were doing a freaky deaky mutant bracket of the worst wads ever in the sky. Yeah. This guy is Duke with Christian Laettner. This guy is Wake Forest with Tim Duncan. This guy is the dream team. All put together. He's the starting five. Yeah. Michigan.

Truly the worst guy ever to live and to be alive. Oh, no. We're broad. we're broad guys this man was as wide as he was deep damn yes he was uh it was like he was computer generated uh by an ai ai model that was like make the grossest piece of shit ever. If you had a pig with a brick. Make a square pig. When he brought his daughter or his, I don't know, underage bride

and she sat in the middle in front of us and I was like, okay, that's why he's slowed down right now. Thank God he's going to keep going. There's no way this man would allow himself to wedge between two other people who have families. Two other people who are just a child of God like him. Surely he bought a row for himself. He's getting his daughter on this plane and then he's getting onto a different plane.

Right, a special plane. It usually carries barrels of mud. Damn. Yeah, I think that he should have been up front in first class. But if he did, the plane just would have been like this. It would have gone to take off. And instead of taking off, the plane just would have been like this it would have gone to take off and instead of taking off the plane just would have flipped over i mean dude he okay necklace apprentice for sure yeah all right he could have kissed his own clavicle there was no neck yeah no like right here

this one he could yeah he could just pong his own guy i mean maybe an inch away from his clavicle was his lips his uh his sweet porcine lips and when he went to get into us uh in between us he just said i know i'm sorry sat down and there's a Pokemon called like Momgash or Antgape. I can't remember. It's like a smusho Pokemon that's wearing it. It looked like this man had a hat on that was a manhole cover. It looked like his whole life he'd just been compressed in some kind of fattening machine.

Like he'd been in the Redensify Matrix. Yeah, and he just was in there. And when he sat down, I was pinned to the wall. There was nowhere for me to go. I couldn't move. I was pinned. And then he went vampire style like this to try and save me. But no, I was just pinned in.

And right away, I started texting you guys. Oh, no. Kill me now. Yeah, what the fuck? This is the worst thing that ever happened had it's a 13-hour flight no that would have been insane that was worse than my mom dying because i knew my mom was gonna go at some point right you know this was 12 hours of me wishing that i was with my mommy in the dirt

so he's wedged me in i don't i don't know what my to do i don't know my recourse so we're delayed like a half hour and finally i'm like okay there has to soon the door was shut we're delayed a half hour i'm like okay i have to do something so i go to the back all the way to the back of the plane i say to the guy hey man uh i'm sorry to bother you but uh i'm in 33L. I'm fucked. Yeah. I said, I'm in 33L, and he went, oh, yeah. I'm surprised the three of you were allowed, because they will balance the plane out. I don't think the wings and balances thing is real.

I really think it's some kind of hokum pokum. Okay. So I go back, and the guy's like yeah let's figure something out and he he brought me to 59 and i had a whole row to myself in the middle of the plane and i had to go back up and get my stuff out of the back of the the seat front pocket and i was like yeah man i got a spot in the back uh it's uh we're gonna have some room you know i just couldn't make it over here and the guy's like okay and i was like do you want to go back because i want the window yeah you know and i was like do you want to go back he says no i like it here so i grab my stuff i go on my little daily stroll

about four hours later guess where he's sitting in the middle still in the middle what the he didn't move over he maintained his middle meat what yeah he said he wanted to be sloppy joe oh my he didn't say it doesn't make any sense no it doesn't but he wasn't right there he was he was in the middle maybe he's doing aisle guy was uh writing his will cleaning his gun. The only thing he knows is taking it apart, putting it together, timing himself. He was crafting a ghost gun out of a...

This is of the fuselage. He cut his seatbelt off and he was tightening it around his neck. I wish that we could... I tried to get a picture of him. Well, I was going to say, I wish that we could have a picture of the guy next to me on the way to Humboldt, the guy next to you, and the guy that Bonzo and Jake were next to. That green blob in the back?

Oh. Whoa. He's tall and thick. Yeah. Damn. And that's from that far away. Yeah. It was massive. Yeah. He's the biggest. Yeah. And that's from that far away. It was massive. He's the biggest.

But Becker and Bonzo had to sit next to a dude who was big. And towards the end of the flight, I was infuriated. That's the WOD, man. The three chairs next to us were all his family. And they were all tiny people.

Right. And one of them certainly should have said yeah he said instead of him sitting with people that know and love him and fucking up their flight and he did the thing where like instead of turning like away from us into the aisle he turned like into me to read his book the whole fucking flight. God damn it. What was the book about? It was a weird book about young white boys joining a karate clan in Asia, and all the girls were named Kuki and Suki.

Alright, take it easy. It was weird. We've been playing it pretty cool. It was a weird book. I woke up to a text from you that just said, Karate books are weird. And it was R. Just capital R. Let's try to type it quickly.

I get it. I mean, I was not. When I was texting you guys, this guy sucks. I wish he would pass away. I hate that he's alive and he was ever allowed. I was holding my phone right here. And I saw him peeking. I wanted him to do something.

You wanted to fight him. I wanted him to fucking do something about his situation. You can't do that to people. You can't treat people like you've treated yourself. One of the reasons that I have been buying window seats it's for my comfort

but it's also for the people in the high-end window seats. Because the middle is no place for a big person. It's not fair. These people are just fucking saving $18.

I know. Just buy this. Don't do it to me. Don't do it to yourself. Why are you going to Japan if you want to die? You know what I mean? Dude, he couldn't hang himself. Maybe he's big enough that he came here and is just laying on a street cooking to death.

That would be cool. He's in the forest. Yeah. So anyway, I got here. I didn't do anything weird. I didn't do anything strange. You went to a puppy cafe and you said,

I think I could eat three, maybe four. They were like, sir, we have a food menu and then the puppies just kind of hang out and play with them. You were like, I want to eat. I said, I want to talk to the manager. Get a pot.

Get some water boiling. Let me see these puppies. Line them up. You have lied to me. Where's the truth in advertising? Yeah. I saw a little girl petting a puppy, and I said, I'll have what she's having. Which was a secret cute orgasm, probably.

Becker? What? Little girl had an O? Oh, I meant just like a physical a young lady thank you uh but you know what i didn't need while i was here was uh was my manscaped shaver you did i didn't need to use it on my pubes but i do use it on my face that's not allowed i shave every day they're not going to like it. Why not? I don't know. It's my body, my choice. I can't drag this thing across any part of my body. I should be dragging it across this. No, no.

This is the money maker. My tough. That's the force that keeps me from going to the suicide. My rancid tough. That's a picket. Becker, should we show them how good this thing works on human hair? I think we'll do it after or are we doing it during the pot? I mean, we give them a little taste right now.

You know? Sure. So it's amazing that you can find exactly what you need. Oh. How about I read this while you demonstrate? Switch with Becker. So hopefully you're watching this. And if you are, make sure you smash that like button and subscribe to Chubby Behemoth on Patreon.

Or no, on YouTube. Also, I don't know. It's going to make a mess. Yeah, it's an Airbnb. All the shit that we've been doing here. I don't sleep out here. Yeah. It's amazing when you can find exactly what you need.

It all comes in a kit that's ready to go, and all of your problems are solved. Manscaped is here to solve your grooming woes, so you can have the smoothest balls at the summer barbecue. Or the smoothest forehead in Tokyo. Just pick up their performance package 4.0 and you'll be all set. It comes with a lawnmower 4.0 trimmer.

Oh, look at that. Weed Whacker 2.0 for ear and nose hair grooming. Crop Preserver anti-chChafing Ball Deodorant, Crop Reviver Ball Toner, and two free grips. A pair of comfy boxers and a classy travel bag to store your new stuff. Have we got to the personal endorsement yet? Yes. Because I don't think we need to.

Look at this. Oh, my God. He's doing it. How far back should I go? I don't know. I need to look at this oh my god he's doing it how far back should i go i don't know i need to look at you from the front you look like you should be on canadian money if you want to see more of that join the patreon everyone I mean all hair is pubed hair isn't it? The beard, the hair That's what it says in the bible

They're all pubes in the eyes of God I was so sleepy that really woke me up Shaving Becker's horseshoe. Look at you. It's going to be wild when we finish. Oh my god.

It's the right move. And then I'm going to have to go to a barber to get the sides cleaned up. No, I'll handle it. No. I know what I'm doing. I'm not literally sitting for months. The top you handle it. No. Yeah, I know what I'm doing. I'm not literally three or four months. The top you can do. All right.

Look at you. Yeah. Oh, fuck. I love shaving a guy's head. I love shaving people. You know that. You've said many times it's one of the most intimate things that two people can engage in is cutting the other's hair well when it's a girl cutting your hair it's

an easy way to like get them close to you breathing on you exchanging the same like close proximity boobs on the side of the head on the neck i've used that move countless times i used to take sluts to bar bar and just be like, clean me up. At Bar Bar? Yeah, I worked twice there. You had the clippers on you? No, I never used the clippers. I always used scissors. They were nice. SLFM cut my hair. At Bar Bar. I knew that

I thought she maybe cut it on the road. Let's finish the ad. This is gone. You got a personal endorsement about your pubes? No, my pubes suck, but Becker's forehead is smooth as hell. Yeah, my forehead's almost

as smooth as it makes my balls. That thing could trick a priest. We know that shaving down there can be a little nerve-wracking, but you're in great hands with Manscaped. The Lawn Mower 4.0 trimmer is even made with a cutting-edge ceramic blade and skin-safe technology to reduce grooming accidents so you can weed whack to your heart's content. So get 20% off and free shipping with the code CHUBBY at Manscaped.com. That's 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com

and use code chubby manscaped the perfect way to get your patties sizzling hot this summer your patties we've been using the term beans that's perfect for summer you got your barbecue beans next to your hot dog my balls are like't like patties out here. I've just been sitting on them. Because they're so long. So it's been 100 degrees in Tokyo the last two days. With like 70%... Don't look at me. I can't look

at the screen. I can't look at you. Don't look at me. It really does look better, right? It does. I didn't think it was going to. It's going to be a lot better once it's done right.

Once they pick a line. It's insane. You look like Larry. You do. Larry Fine. Oh, yeah. If you leave it long on the sides, you could have a Larry Fine thing going. Yeah.

You look like you're in black and white everywhere you go that's sick next up bonzo let's shave your dick and get it on camera it'll be for the patreon after dark um so it's been really hot here that's the truth very hot i can't too hot everybody that we've talked to is like why are you here in july yeah this this was this was a crazy move i can't take my glasses off only a total psychopath would come here in july Only a total psychopath would bring his fat friend and his poor shoe-headed. Yeah, man. We were in Paris in October. It was wonderful.

People thought that was crazy because it's like chilly. And it's like, no, that's perfect. We walked like 20 miles a day. It was nice that it was cold. Yeah, meanwhile, we're walking here. We're also walking a lot here. It sucks. And it's a lot and i'm

navigating the trains i'm like we're shooting this you know show and by the way the bar still has nothing to do with the podcast don't worry all right everyone quit freaking out um so yeah they do until they take control and they say we want to replace lund with Rob Gronkowski. With Baby Gronk. Quit looking at him, Bonzo. He's a freak. I'm sitting next to a penis freak. Sam, we would like to replace Lund with

Herschel Walker. They have a lot of similar ideas. Politically. walker i have a lot of similar ideas um uh i need to go bird box now i need to put if i love i need to establish that cover your face with your new kangle oh yeah have you bonzo got kangle bonzo got a cream. Oh, it reeks. I've had it for 32 hours. I've gone full blues traveler now.

This isn't good. Should I come in and say hello to Kangol? Yeah. Yeah, sure. If you're ready, you four-year-old. I'm scared. Hey, everyone. It's Bonzo.

Sam's childhood friend Bonzo is here, everyone. Hey. The Kangol buddies. Have you ever been on a podcast before? Hello out there in Radio Land. I don't know what to do. Talk to your friend that you've known since third grade. I don't know what to do. Talk to your friend

that you've known since third grade. Yeah, I don't know. Don't spaz. Don't get your shit in. You don't have to figure out a catchphrase. Answer Sam's question. Have you been on a podcast before? No. That's why you're scared.

Are you enjoying your time? Yeah, it's great. You can talk. You don't know how to talk. What the fuck was that? He doesn't know where to look. I'll go around the corner. I'm sorry.

No, it was Bonzo going, great. Yeah. You know how to use words alright that's it for me why are you called Bonzo okay yeah

so Bonzo's here he's filming he was a cinematographer on my comedy special Waiting for Death to Claim Us him and Zach Toll made it look so nice Bonzo's holding our he's our cameraman he's producing he's directing he's doing a really really great job Pat you had a good run Bonzo's holding our, the camera. He's our cameraman. He's producing. He's directing. He's doing a really, really great job. Pat, you had a good run.

Bonzo learns to edit. You're dead. But yeah, Bonzo, tell him about yourself. Why are you called Bonzo? Anthony Vontae. Turned into Anvon. Turned into Anvon. Turned into Fonny. Turned turned into and delphonic hydroponic

turned into funny turned into fonzo turned into fonzo and then you and jr were garbanzo for a minute because he was garbage and you were you were fonzo and they combined them and i think that's where bonzo came from you were gonzo for a while for a minute but that's mark gonzalez so we couldn't do that right everyone confused you guys because you were both equally good at skateboarding and then i hated bonzo the most so it's stuck it's so hard like, like most nicknames. If you hate it, then it's cemented forever. And Bonzo, if you're listening to this, first of all,

this one you should be watching. But if you're listening, he looks like the toy machine Turtle Boy. Turtle Boy? That's fair, right? If he had a creamsicle cangle. And Bonzo, anything you want to tell these people before we bring Becker back on

see you next time we'll have a Bonzo episode here while we're in Japan Jesus Christ will we? I don't know we'll be able to come out of this show wow it's funny if Becker's hair had grown back I don't know. We'll be able to come out of his shell. Wow. Beggar's hair had grown back

like a curse that he can't get rid of. It's just back to being a wispy, crusty-esque peak. It's going to be great when we finish it. I'm really excited. I think we're finished. No, we're not finished. I think it's good. No, we're not finished. I think it's good.

No. We're edged up. So what else has been going on? We ate those candy strawberries. No, those were good. We've done stuff. It hasn't just been us sitting around shaving back there. Dude, wait. Whoa.

I got Jimmy Neutron out of nowhere. There is jizz in that fucking conditioner bottle. There's no way there's not. Look at that. What the hell? That's crazy. What the shit?

No. My hair looks great too, which's crazy. What the shit? No. My hair looks great too, which is crazy. Yeah, look at my hair. Look at that. I'm a troll though. You're the heat visor. I'm the heat visor. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Damn. This is bad audio. I'm sorry, everyone. It's great pod though. I care a lot. Just watch it, I guess. It's a video now. though. I care a lot. Just watch it, I guess. It's a video now.

Pull the forklift over. Hot damn. Oh, God. That's crazy. I wouldn't have guessed my hair was this long right now. Yeah, you look nuts. And now you guys are going to have to go in and get Japanese haircuts. You're going to have to communicate what you want. You're going to walk in, and they're going to have to communicate what you want. You're going to walk in and they're going to think that you...

They're going to think they're on a prank show. They're going to think that you... Hair bandits. The haircut jokers. Where's the camera? Well, then Bonzo will be filming, so they know it's funny. They know that they're the

subject of a fucking prank. I think they'll get it. They're not gonna get it. You don't know what I mean? I'm just like, shave. Poochie poochie. Buzz, buzz, buzz. Snip, snip, snip yes uh also you had said to bring it you know you bring in

a picture of george costanza that's right i'm gonna download a picture of costanza and then show them that's your plan that's like what i needed to get american spirits today and i just held them up so we can smoke in that airstream trailer. Exactly. Oh my god, that trailer was sick. They have these smoking trailers here. They're like vintage Airstreams because smoking on the street is illegal unless you're Becker. Unless you're bad boy Billy Bongrip

Becker. Just walking around totally thwacked and gacked. You're using a former sponsor. Yeah, I didn't know if we should shout them out or not i think they still give us money hey uh fume i brought you over here to tokyo so that i didn't uh get a ticket like becker most certainly will if he keeps walking that line and i gotta say it's been uh helpful i didn't wanna uh get another elf bar they're too tasty and we tasty and we're not doing an ad for them we have to do another ad

you literally told me to talk about it so cool anyway loving it over here in Japan I'm not sick of Sam at all I wouldn't drop him off in the forest right now and hope for the best but instead

I'm clicking my fumes. I'm not fuming. Thanks to fume. No, but I'm just saying, we do have to do a third ad on this episode. And people are going to be pissed that you just did a free fume ad. Nobody cares. Everyone cares. Everyone loves everything I say.

You are perfect. As long as I get my shit in. So, yeah, we smoked in a trailer today while Becker went to the shoe store. It's been a pretty Becker-centric adventure so far. We started with a few things that Becker wanted to do, which was great. We went to Harajuku, which was

described by our friend Gabe as the rich asshole district, I think. Is that what he said? It's like there's fancy shops and stuff, and that's Becker's thing. Shoes, got some Jordans. Got some Jordans. Checked out, what was the Altos?

Is that a store? Atmos. Atmos. I went into one Atmos that was like a small one in Harajuku that was awesome. We were auditioning for the role of Sphere. We went into the smallest hype store i've ever been in when we went to human made atmosphere it had like what six shirts on the

wall yeah that was funny and it was like charlie brown and lucy were on them yeah and who was who was who was meshack taylor pharrell oh. Another made-up name. Just keep catching lances of you, dude. I'm trying to hold it together. I know. I feel like I'm hair bragging right now between you two. Mine's good. We went to the... We're going to shave you in Paris.

Or no, in Reykjavik. You got another couple months, and then we're going to get rid of that fucking sorry excuse for a dumb. It's fine hair. Lean down a little more. It's Larry fine hair. That's good.

Hannah's baby daddy, Adam, I saw him in Detroit and he was like talking to Emily and Emily was like, yeah, no, we're trying to get him on the medicine to fix it. Adam's like as bald as a man can be. And Adam just went, we're waiting for you, Sam. Just come home. Just come home. All right. We'll be here to catch you. Just come home. He wanted to shave my head.

We did not obviously do that, but I'm not ready to admit. You're going to be able to do the lift gal where it goes straight up and over. No, I'm going to be fine. I'm'm gonna have a full head of hair my whole life it's okay yeah i'm gonna weigh 280 pounds and i'm gonna have a full head of hair it's gonna be great me too yeah if you were 280 and i was 240 there'd be no stopping us this looks literally like we are reading for seinfeld the new class i'm newman of course you're crammer because you crammed all the food in your gorge i'm a kramer slimer hybrid I'm a Kramer Slimer hybrid.

The Guiglo next door that has to borrow a pound of sugar so he can eat it. And a spoon. Oh my god. I'm going to have some more Japanese snacks. Those grape gummies are delicious.

Yeah, so Becker hasn't really gone in on any weird snacks i mean weird gummies haven't bought any uh like kit kats even pounded any strange treats for 7-eleven the only kit kats we found so far looked like they were super dark chocolate yeah they looked plain which i wasn't excited about yeah we have to we should go to like a fun candy store yeah we could we could uh google that there's a Kit Kat in Boreo. Yeah, we have to go there. Let's get a bunch of Kit Kats.

Go! Go! Run! You son of a bitch! How long has this one been going? We should do another ad in about four minutes. I'm like dizzy from laughing. My stomach hurts. I barely slept last night um i got away with one um you jacked this is now the second time that you've jacked with me

less than five feet away it's really not a big deal it's gonna turn into your the only way you can be hard is if i'm in the room oh i was so hard today we got good wi-fi it's not that fun it is because what if i wake up then i know because i'm watching you as i'm doing it and i have to see great i have the phone right here and over the uh top of the phone is just your body mass rising and falling and you're snoring you're snoring really loud it's not like that right no not like that not like you're passing away not like you're actively dying that's good um but yeah when i'm feeling overwhelmed that's what i do you know what else why i do when i'm feeling overwhelmed the first thing to go on the back burner is

cooking a nutritious meal before i even know what's happening I'll head I'll find myself mindlessly heading towards the nearest McDonald's God I'm gonna eat some right now we need a bunch of McDonald's today are we what are we gonna have for dinner should we get a hot pot sure should we get should we get Japanese barbecue Japanese barbecue sounds bomb you know what we should do the grill your own yeah we should go when we walk to the train station after this, we'll hit Mickey Dondon. Okay. And we'll each have one thing. Okay. One thing. I'll have two. No, one. Come on. Come on. You haven't been good.

It's my whole thing. I haven't been good. Yeah, even bad. We've been great. You made fun of my hair. We've been great. We've all been great. We say it at the same time. Everything he's had has been like a little bit of fried chicken. I'm so healthy. Look at how healthy I am. I'm not talking about what you've been eating.

I'm talking about your attitude. I'm bummed that scale is never going to weigh any of us because it would have been cool to see how much collective weight we lost to this heat. I don't think we're losing any weight. I'm sure I have. Do you think so? Yeah. You think we're losing weight? Yes.

Look at how thin I am. I'm so thin. We've all lost weight. Yeah, but it's water weight. A little bit. We're moving around too. The calorie counter on my phone says yesterday I burned 1300 calories.

Which is negligible. We smoked weed last night. We forgot about that. It was a chill time. Dude. Shout out to Gabe. yeah we forgot about that yeah yeah it was a cool time it was a chill time dude yeah fucking shout out to gabe shout out to modern dot painters on instagram for taking us on a wild ride last night that ruled yeah we fucking smoked weed in japan which i never thought i would do because it's

such a nasty crime yeah yeah we smoked for weed in a uh in a in a bar that was weed themed. They had a sign hanging. Their shingle was right on the street. It was very clear. Yeah. But then we walked in there and the proprietor who was a, his name was Chill. His birth name. And hearing him pronounce

it was funny. He had face tattooed dots on his face. Like an arrangement? Yeah, there was like three. A triangle? No, it was like... Oh, each side of the cheek?

Yeah, it was something to do with the bureaucrats of Japan. Maybe he had an everything bagel and you could have wiped those away. Maybe it was rapeseed. Definitely the worst name seed. Is it? Yeah.

I thought you were making that up. Rapeseed's the name of a seed. It's not grapeseed. No, there is grapeseed and there's also rapeseed. Okay. It's on everything bagels. It's okay. I tried a bit about it.

I'll bet you did. I did. It was like, was that the first name? I'll bet you did. I did. It was like, was that the first name? We couldn't do better than Rapeseed. Cameron Ibonzo? Alright, too bad.

Smoking weed in Japan. I only took three puffs, but I was very high. And then I think I said some crazy fucking gibberish on the drive home. yeah did i yeah but it made sense though it wasn't no nuts i think it made sense no you said what is up why is up up no no no it was like that oh i don't remember what it was i said that it's crazy that spill the beans and spill the tea have swapped places because the people who say spill the tea have definitely not like been eating a big can of beans and spilt it

all over the floor you know what i mean like drag queens and like gay men they're not sitting around eating beans you said women don't eat beans well women got they also don't eat beans as well but they got that from gay men and drag queens which i'm saying are not the same thing you know right there's some straight we shouldn't assume just because a man puts on a funny wig and puts on a dress and a bunch of makeup and high heels and sings to barbra streisand he likes to pound dudes i know a straight dude who does it. He's been married to the same lady for 50 years and they have kids and shit. Yeah, but that's

a compromise. He's into her though. He's into her shoe collection. But yeah, that too. Good for them. Everyone should be happy. That's what I say. You know what makes me happy? Trying to break the stress.

Totally forgot about that. Eating healthy makes me happy. And if you're trying to break the stress to drive through cycle, Factor has you covered. That's right. Factor, everyone. They're America's number one ready to eat meal kit. Everything is delivered right to your door with Factor. So you can stay.

I'm saying it. What? Is that a hyphen? No... I'm not saying it like that. What? Is there a hyphen? No, I'm just reading it. So you can stay on... It's like a robot. No, you can... I'm Factor. Give me any two numbers and I will multiply them.

Cool, Factor. That's not a big deal. You haven't seen multiplication like this before. Factor. Well. Bow before factor. Oh, no. Factor has gone fascist.

Kneel before factor. Factor. Me multiplied by you equals death. Me times you equals rape scene Me times you equals... Rapeseed. And you know what? I don't know if Factor uses rapeseed exclusively. I'll bet there's a lot more to it than a little seed that's on an everything bagel.

I don't think they just serve you seeds like a bird. Oh, good. My Factor is here. My seed packet has arrived. And they deliver it right to your door with Factor. So you can stay on top of your health goals and your busy schedule. And you know what? I'm going to give you a personal endorsement.

I cannot wait until Factor arrives to give you a personal endorsement. I cannot wait until Factor arrives to the P.O. Box. We have Factor rotting on our doorsteps right now because we're not home. I don't have an address. Where are they sending this shit? The people who live in my old home are going to be munching Factor

every day. That means Megan's enjoying Factor by herself. I don't know. You're going to come home and she's going to be married to a big robot it's multiplication she better make those meals and then put them in the freezer so i can enjoy them as well well uh i i love this product i love eating it i love microwaving it or putting it in the oven i can't remember which one um but yeah they're it's so yummy to eat them right guys i'm sure it's the number one meal delivery service in the nation in the whole world in the world maybe excuse me maybe america they're america's number one ready

to eat meal kit oh yeah so that means they haven't tapped into the Japanese market just yet. And these people are in a hurry. And if you're in a hurry like a Japanese guy and you need to eat a bunch of stuff, Factor is there for you. You want something healthy to eat on your way to the forest because you lost your job. Make that last

meal count with Factor. Factor. It's because you ate all that hair. Factor's fresh, never frozen meals take just two minutes to prepare, so meal times are quick, easy, and delicious. And with over 34 weekly restaurant quality options, there's always something new to try with Factor. Their flavor packed meals. Bow before Factor. There is no being more powerful than Factor. There is no being more powerful than Factor.

And because it's so powerful, their meals fit a variety of lifestyles, from keto and calorie conscious to vegan and vegetarian. Head to FactorMeals.com slash Chubby50 and use code Chubby50 to get 50% off. Your first order? No. Whoa. Head to FactorMeals.com slash chubby 50 and use code chubby 50 to get 50 off now that's a fucking deal that's code chubby 50 5 0 at factor meals.com slash chubby 50 to get 50 off what a great deal how could you not oh my god psychos you have to take advantage my god oh speaking of taking advantage uh we're gonna becker's gonna go to the jerk parlor tonight we'll report back i looked up sex robots and i

did you find factor what if the guam fucks you? No, I don't want to be a Gundam. I want to fuck. Step inside of the Gundam's pussy. My dick times your asshole equals oblivion. Equals gush.

No, I thought maybe there would be like a sex parlor where there were robots that you could choose from and bang. And I don't think that that's the case. And when you're saying robots, do you mean like an R2-D2 type thing or like a sex doll? Like a doll, but a robot. Cool. Jumped off robot.

Yeah, yeah. That's not cheap. There's some sex think sex robots right Yeah there's a bunch That's the only binary person I want to have sex with Otherwise Bring on the they them titties Factor

Oh We should plug our tapes I'll be in Australia For like ever I'll be in Australia for three weeks If you're in Australia, please come see me I'll be in every Australia

I'll be around I'll be in Canberra And Melbourne Sydney and Blitney and Factor. A lot of snakes in Factor. I'll be there, and then when I come home, I'll be in Paris, too,

for a week, the first week of September, doing shows. So come to those. We'll be in Paris. The sequel to the JayZ, Kanye's song. Me and Lund will be at Laugh Boston, September 8th and 9th. Man, we had so much fun in Boston last time.

I'm excited to go back. Now we're in the big boy club, too. It's a hell of a town. I want to go back to Baco. Yeah. We'll do better. Alec Flynn's hosting, so that'll be fun. Yeah, great.

I can't wait for him to get all the limelight while I get the lemon shadows. Old Alec Flynn, I got one clip to go semi-viral on Instagram, immediately booked it to LA. Yeah, I'm glad that I invited him to do these shows before he got some success. Before he loses your number. Yeah. Before he's the next. Yeah, exactly. Before he's the next Tom Cruise, a little tiny heartbreaker.

Before he's married to Factor. Before he gets the, oh, dude, I watched Lords of Dogtown, and it has a 2005, so is it Sofia Vergara? Whoa. Holy shit. That'll do. It was crazy. I mean, she's still beautiful but my god 18 years ago

she was what 16 no she was not she was an adult it was crazy Austin Texas the following weekend we're all over the road I'll be in Boston and Austin you're doing Austin too?

it's question marks in my calendar so maybe you were going to get back to me. If you want to do it, you can do it. Let's fucking do it, dude. Let's do it, dog. How much longer can we fly on planes before it's forbidden because it's melting the planet? I say let's travel, baby. I didn't buy the airline. I didn't say let's crank out more CO2.

I just want to go fly some places in a drive-in, baby. Leicester Theatre, November 17th in London. Lund's coming over. Lund. I can't do this anymore. Also, my fucking special, y'all.

August 10th, soup's on. YouTube. I'll have a link probably in the next week or so. Very excited to have people see some of the jokes I've done for years. Some I almost forgot and then said, let's commit them to

some vinyl. Also, there's no vinyl, but 4x3 Productions is putting it out August 10th. Soup's on, baby. Join the Patreon.