Chubby Behemoth - Squeek My Geek

Episode Date: February 11, 2022

Reckless In Heaven. River City Ransom Time. Chicken Fighting Hitler.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

you both joined it like the exact same moment yeah i thought he was i was gonna get a message london are you we're in here oh yeah that's what he used to say we're in here yeah no no bitch oh hey sam welcome are you done with your tantrum are you done throwing your little fit are you done braying and bemoaning because if you are the men can start to talk Are you done braying and bemoaning? Because if you are, the men can start to talk. Oh, wow. Nice rebuttal from, well, what looks like a butthole on your face.

Thank you. A butt and a turtle. Yes, turtle butt. Crawl back into your hole. Your house is my body, turtle butt. I live in my body. I got a chauffeur. Go ahead.

Go ahead. No, it's okay. No. Oh, no. I mean, singing is definitely my thing. I forgot. You're doing it too now. You're supposed to interrupt. And then when I interrupt, it's a violation.

Yeah, you violated me, dude. It's on site now. It's freedom of speech. Yeah, when I do it, it's protected. Patriots died to give me the right to step on your shit. Little Hagui didn't do anything to fucking help you speak. Oh, Hagui. Called Haganush.

Haganush from downtown. From downtown. From where was it czechoslovakia ukraine from kiev the bitch with the breasts it's haigwe lund bank shot from the corner nicks are on three thanks to haganoush haganoush is on fire literally the rebels have torched her nothing but net hagaspoosh with the three to put the clippers up two with 349 to go into the third coming off the bench five foot two 96 pounds with the hunchback it's high boxing out sean bradley oh and bradley has picked up high we and placed her on top of the backboard

her little tootsies are dangling she can't get down her last name was not Cruisal Nikki, because that's my grandpa's name. That was my mom's maiden name was Cruisal Nikki. So that's fun. But yeah, I don't know her. I think she took her last name from the missionary that adopted her, that brought her to America. And it was like Cox. It was like something American. Yeah.

Yeah, that makes sense. She became Cox because of the missionary style yeah grandma the war criminal got banged out on her way over she was a little girl so no sick and also uh shut up oh yeah how dare i is your dad still in front of this woman you never met yeah who cares meanwhile the one who brought me into the world you're always on and pantsing and tweaking the nipples of uh giving our noogies yeah my mom in a headlock candy bars shoving shoving her memory into snow whitewash

shoving her memory into snow whitewash just like our history so guys here we are it is your dad there daddy's downstairs daddy the dud man we've been chilling uh and by chilling i mean sitting quietly on opposite couches working on our projects which is nice to have him in the room you know you'll never experience that again again it's not i i wouldn't i've told your dad i think in person and on facebook i wish you were my dad because we had very different dads everybody says everyone wishes my dad laid pipe and their mom's blasted everyone wishes my dad was johnny apple seeding their mom's little sweet little cookie cutters but no yeah he had two and he was done so lund tell me about yourself what's going on down there i got a haircut today that was pretty exciting yes it looks great dude you can't tell so shut up can't tell at all looks exactly the same uh suzanne was cutting my hair she is one of the owners of the trinidad lounge her and kurt you had sweet suzy's

fingies up in your locks she's good yeah when she kept she kept doing like being bad she kept doing what a hairstylist would do for someone who like cares about their hair which was like push her tits on the back of your neck no making it look like she was like putting product in her hair and in my hair and then like twirling the curls and i was like oh boy i'm never gonna do this it's never gonna look like this again yeah and then she's like hey can i missed your hair and you're like i thought you did and she was like that wasn't a spray bottle she's a queef yeah because she was cutting your hair in a dress without undies on i'm guessing she got on a she got on a little step ladder exactly squooshed aganush with the squoosh that means deeper daddy i want to feel it chill but saying it um yeah that's cool man big nice haircut big news got a haircut uh

had some sweet potato black bean tacos which is one of my favorite meals post gout. Yeah. Guilt free. Makes me feel strong. Love a sweet potato. Love a tuber in general. You know, I've been off the tubers for a while now. Steadily dropping weight, becoming a just a shadow of my former self.

Everyone stops me on the street and they're like, Bobby. Oh, Sam. Interesting. What's up, Clay? Whoa, it's Sam Talen whoa cool how's law school and I'm like what and they're like are you going to law school in Trinidad like no Bobby and Lund combined they can barely keep up yeah they're like how's your girlfriend Renee and I I'm like, what? That's Chris Charpentier. Why do you know so much about us and so little about whose lives are which? Yeah, and which lives matter. It might surprise you. Becker, one got a haircut.

What is your deal? Hit me with the sweet science of the life of Beck. I woke up like half an hour before Jay and Paishra came over to play video games today. Whoa, you had a J&P implosion? Yeah, dude. We played all kinds of Super Nintendo games.

You guys just live like your parents died and no one knows yet. It's three J's. Jay, Jake, Jeremy. I almost fucked it up. I almost said j j becker we played a dope game where you race unicycles yeah i know i know i know what it sounds like it was the best game we've yeah that sounds cool for not like a game for babies yeah but you're

just racing unicycles there's no person on them yeah what's it called i know what it's called like i don't remember what it's called he's una something it's called uh loser palooza it's called four wangs only a game for tards i dominated i dominated four wangs only uh yeah i remember that game from the commercials isn't there like they're like a bunch of kaleidoscopic backgrounds and the unicycles going loops and stuff yeah and it's nuts and it's like once you get the hang of it it's really fun and competitive and we were having a blast oh that's so much fun dude just three dudes getting together uh two of them have no women to keep them clean another one in a complex relationship

the other one has a strict curfew yeah dude he did he did leave right at four because he had to get home well you know what if the old lady says come on in you gotta go on in if they ring that bell and you say hey baby what's that smell and they say my dry ass pussy i'm not gonna tell okay yeah no no i like his uh his wife i'm glad it worked out for them um but here's the thing you and pyscher gotta get out there on pussy patrol you guys gotta go on a little scoos cruise yeah i mean think all the pussy you're gonna get if when they see peicher is the other option they look at bison they're like so becker tell me more about little debbie and or old cars yeah it's like hey baby do you want to eat this uh you know kind of overcooked piece of salisbury steak it tastes kind of like smoke baby do you want to eat this uh you know kind of overcooked piece of salisbury

steak it tastes kind of like smoke or do you want this chewed up and spit out slim jim give me the salisbury steak i sure got something to him because every almost every time he's been in the bar when i'm working some random woman will sit near him, look over, say hello. They start talking. And I don't know. It's working. Whatever he's got.

Maybe his pheromones are, you know, they ooze submissiveness. And, you know, people like that. They want that in someone who's kind of tall you know what i mean a little bit of uh the best of both worlds like you sam you're a giant cock but you're over six foot two yeah i'm the cuck of the crew yeah right dude read the subreddit oh yeah a bunch of cocks calling you their king yeah yeah i i read the subreddit i'm the king of chode mountain baby the circumference is better than the length so are you telling me that pyscher's a pgs he's a getting savage out there on the stroll

i don't know that he has sealed any deals but there he's definitely he's definitely he's definitely had uh cute women there's well one was very cute and she got very drunk and he was like all right i'm out of here yeah and then because you're gonna wait by her car the other another time there's this woman that comes in and she's normal i think i've mentioned her she talks normal until she gets drunk and then all of a sudden she goes into like super slow-mo like her brain goes down to like one synapse firing and or there's one synapse that's like you know from uh speech and the other one is for like running her heart you know sounds perfect for pyscher and so she's she's just like barely alive unable to defend herself what should i eat like every sentence is a minute and a half long what should i eat and then pyscher's like

well if you want a vanilla oreo meet me in the truck so yeah we'll see you shaped like an oreo thank you come again oh sam cashing checks in heaven there's checks in the mail when you have to pay your rent in heaven god's your landlord like yeah uh you know i think we're to have you go months and months now because, uh, I see that you have another dog and that's four and you're supposed to have two max. So God, I'm a little late. Okay. Do me a solid. Let me stick around for a while.

All right. I'll, uh, I'll, I right. I'll wash Hitler's car. You have to live in the bad part of heaven. Yeah. Just like Fresno. Everybody's scared of each other. It's like, what's going to happen? You're going to get killed again.

Yeah. It's so reckless in heaven. Reckless. You daredevil. Yeah. I'd be fucking skateboarding everywhere jumping out of planes taking my shirt off at the pool in heaven my shirt's off nobody's allowed to laugh yeah they go to giggle and god goes come on

but that's the issue with heaven is it's all a paradox it's just uh everything stands at odds with each other like in heaven i would love to laugh at fat guys taking their shirt off at the pool but that's not their idea of heaven but it is mine you know what i mean like in heaven if there's not a bunch of people like falling down the stairs or, uh, you know, uh, exploding pumpkin pranks. I don't fucking want to be there. I, uh, but if you're in heaven and someone,

you know, you slip and you sit in a pie, that's not your idea of a good time. That's what your dad's going to be doing up there. Oh, my dad's going to be alone at this house for three days. Pies beware. There's not a pastry and all of fort collins it's not

gonna go unsquished was that last thanksgiving or no just to get together i think that was the fourth of july okay fourth of july uh oh yeah i i think that heaven is more of a who cares you know it's like i think you get away with more because i don't think it's typical christian oh we were a good boy and we didn't touch our peepees so now we get to be an angel i think it's more like hey what's up it's heaven we're dead who cares uh you can fly around you can pull pranks i tried uh i tried to you think it's like being in a summer camp with a cool cabin master like it's like cool like having the coolest ra god's the one doing the skateboard tricks have a couple beers i'm not gonna tell anyone god's like watch this and then he jumps over the river on a fucking bmx yeah he's part yes god's like hey if you want to smoke weed

that's fine just don't blow it in the ears of the angels all right yeah they barely have brains if you're gonna smoke weed in here use a dryer sheet you know it's easy i don't care i'm not using a dryer sheet to smoke weed in heaven fuck you guess what you're not getting into heaven i'm gonna smoke weed i'm gonna do heroin in hell oh no heroin's for heaven dude that's the only kiss there is that is heaven heaven should feel like being high on oxy 80s oh like like you should like you should be walking around just feeling like you just fucking found some opium in your ass you're like wait who's dick am i sucking oh yeah my own fuck yeah that's how high you are who's dick is this like whoa mine wow why is it so big damn i am in heaven why can i find it oh yeah heaven you keep forgetting

that you're dead heaven isn't so far away and then mr big starts playing heaven's a half pipe heaven's a hash pipe heaven's a huge rack yeah heaven's every tit that uh you know that dirt dessert comes out of this is a big tit feeding you dirt oh yeah i would rule dirt i love dirt so much dirt for days yeah dirt for. People coming in to see how Dirty T speaks. I tried. I tried. Let me freak in your cheeks. I'm about to squeak my geek.

I tried to. Mike, you weep. Go ahead. Stop rapping, please. People love it. That's what brought Shining to a grinding, screeching halt, was you constantly wanting to freestyle rap. Yeah, it wasn't David demanding his white friend

rap at the end of every episode. I for sure loved it and wanted to do it and look forward to it. I didn't have panic attacks about it every week. Oh, God. So I was just reminded of a time when I talked to Johnny D. Go on. For Birdie.

I have a soundboard i forgot you got yourself loaded loaded up ready to blow okay you're talking to johnny d talking to johnny and we for whatever reason talked about sonic boom die dying and uh i tried to say how i because i've thought about this i've tried to i've tried to think about how like if there's not like i don't think there's the dichotomy heaven and hell punished forever if you're bad black and white but then in rain yeah but then that would mean that everybody was in an afterlife and it's like is that fair and i was like well i think there might be something about like how almost anybody that's bad shitty that hurts hurts hurt people hurt people is what i is what i uh think about what the bumper sticker says and how the saddest bumper sticker of all

time hurt people hurt people honk if honk if you're hurt but uh horn if you're honky uh just the idea that yeah if we were if we're all mortal and uh everything is forgivable amongst like the next level of existence you know that thinking is just so much more evolved and beyond like our base feelings of good and bad. Basically, I tried to say, Hitler's in heaven. And I was like, print that. And I don't think he did. But what if Hitler's up there?

And he's like, I'm so sorry. I was a very bad boy. We all make mistakes. But isn't it allowed for humans to grow and get bitter and better? I was a hurt person. And so I hurt people. But now I realize i was being a very naughty boy look i love the films of woody allen okay i love i love to watch the man play

the clarinet you know it moves me if i knew they were all so witty and funny i wouldn't have eradicated them allegedly his lawyer is still out yeah his lawyer whispers in his ears like allegedly no one really knows now if you excuse me surf's up now if you excuse me i'll be in the pudding mountain splish flashing excuse me, I'll be in the Pudding Mountain splish-flashing. Now if you'll excuse me, Anna Nicole, will you service my number? Time to suck old dirt

out of Anna Nicole's breasts. Hitler having his fun. Yes, I eradicated six million people, fingers crossed, but It doesn't count in court if your fingers are crossed. But in the timeline that is God's memory

is it not just a blink of the eye of a mortem? Now come forth. It is time for all of my balls to get honked. Who will gurgle my egg i'm hitler my dog is here i love him but yeah it's funny that i think that makes more so that god that this you know creator would be so much more advanced than us then it's like yeah you fucked up uh but now you're dead and And so this is the next thing. And here we go.

Instead of it, he's instead, it's like so human. And that doesn't make as much sense where it's like, oh, yeah, God is also jealous and petty and doesn't want you to do a bunch of specific random things. And if you do them even once, then you have to either repent before you die or you're fucked. What if God hasn't shown himself? Cause he thinks that we're a mistake and he feels bad.

Hmm. Think about that. Yeah. It's shameful. See how I said two sentences and it was awesome. And all that shit you said didn't make any sense. Yeah. That's what,

that's what you got out of it for Becker. Weigh in Becker not listening yeah i just got six text messages from work for no reason what is it they're all from creech like come down here lunce podcasting we have 35 minutes that's all i need no they're trying to figure out the worm buckets the worm buckets yep all right now where was this earlier when i said what's up with becker it just happened what are the worm buckets that we collect all the coffee grounds and give them to a worm farmer wow and they're trying to figure out whether or not it's cave on's brother's operation but it's not because he wanted to charge

me for it and already have a guy taking it for free. And see, I thought that's why you left the big city. You were tired of worrying about its problems. You were tired of sorting out the worm bucket. You know? You wanted to move to the country where the worm bucket was figured out. Yep. And

that's what I'm working on now. Ooh, wormet hijinks with Becker and Lund. So what did you and Duddy do? You asked us about Trinidad. You got an ear full. Yep. You got an ear worm full. And now you and Duddy, you were

just working on stuff. You were writing your second novel. He was updating his Grindr profile. He's on Grindr, Tinder tinder he's like i just want to meet people yeah my dad wanted me to take creative photos of him he's like get it from the back so i can pop it for him my dad's popping out his sweet little ass he's doing the splits yeah he's doing the splits while holding two fireworks

was that a fart video you posted of him yesterday uh no that was him doing an impression of a there was a olympic snowboarder who went up and then he landed directly on his face and skidded for 10 feet yeah that was wild where were his hands weren't helping him at all no his hands were pinned to his side like he got his mitten stuck on his zipper and he just fucking skidded on his chin and nose and my dad was like oh yeah but the video you show your dad winding up and he's holding his knees up classic sam t fart position oh yeah no and then you scan back to the tv and part of his sound effect is like a fart noise so I thought maybe you had timed up your dad farting to a video. Oh no

that was the third take we did so. He was like go live. Yeah go live. I was like go live add Will Smith I want to show him something. My dad's like Robin Rogan follows you, right? Go live. Bring him in. This will save him. Yeah, no. It was just a fun sound effect my dad made where he went like Yeah, that snowboarder whitewashed his own ass.

Yeah, he was like Brent Gill at a wedding. Just endless mountains of powder. Jesus. Pow, pow. he was like uh brent kill it brent gill at a wedding you know just endless mountains of powder jesus pow pow yeah so i'm and my dad just like uh we're synchronous you know we occupy the same space uh nothing crazy last night we watched uh wrath of man or man of wrath the jason statham guy ritchie picture which was for sure the worst movie i've watched in at least this year whoa yeah and i've been watching i've been pounding films down left and right watch kill bill one and you guessed it two jerks like the django i was on jane what certain parts

uh is the second Kill Bill boring? No, it's great. They're both great. They're both works of art. Yeah. They're staggering bits. I don't know if I've watched the second one since the theater. Yep.

But yeah, Wrath of Man sucked. Guy Ritchie. I don't know. He must have cashed a big check because that was a floppy turd on the toilet of art. But yeah, man, not much. emily you know she's uh she's around floating around she's definitely alive yeah definitely didn't uh say the wrong thing and uh you know feel the ramifications of her words that didn't happen we're flying out tonight man what do you mean flying out where are you going going to san diego tonight at 10 p.m flying out to see little baby susu oh yeah why are they in san diego because her grandma jerry who has them

rented a big house in carlsbad so they're all out there for the month and we're going out for a couple nights because that's all i could take the sexual tension in that house her mom's there her sister denise her grandma her cousin sarah you know it's just like i can't i can't be the fantasy all they did all they all want you know yeah they're all clawing at you yeah it's just like jesus get them up there's a snail trail from the kitchen to the countertop they just keep bumping into you like oh excuse me and they're like yeah honking you oh what's in there huh what's in there shitter's full someone just grabbing your ass they're like someone got a hard-boiled egg in their pants are you just happy to see me that's what they want it's an egg shot egg-sized dick

yeah they're like give me that Epstein. Did he have a short one? Let's play Easter. I'll be the basket. Egg-shaped. It was described as egg-shaped. And Sam immediately remembered that. Why is that burned into your brain? Well, because I'm a man of the world. You guys are dick twins? You're like, yes, another

egg guy. Yeah, because we're in the same message boards. He was Egg Lord 42020 i was oblong is good i was ovoid do not ovoid uh no because there's a deposition where someone asked him about his egg-shaped penis i thought for someone who lived on the line, you were online so much, you would know about this.

I don't remember that part. I have watched a couple of things about him. Well, yeah, I mean, Dan McGowan didn't post about it on Facebook. So, oh God,

I mentioned another comedian and you seeds with rage. You love Facebook. No, I don't. Yeah, you do. Not on Facebook. Yeah, right. It's you and Dan Bublitz applying to the Fresno Comedy Festival. Fresno.

Fresno. Bublitz moved to Denver. Shout out. Yeah, Boob Tits. Was his show the Biker Boys, right? Yeah, dude. The Biker Brigade. God, how, speaking of egg shaped dicks and several balls bobby was in bobby didn't give a fuck he made fun of a biker gang as if they weren't like as if they didn't have notches on their belt from all the bodies that

they piled up yep yeah he uh i mean why don't you tell the story because i don't really have a memory but i remember being like jesus bobby we got to get out of here and then i saved the day of course you crushed you you knew about uh biker verbiage blue dolphin well blue dolphin is alcoholic for a bitch but you connected with the like the one biker that wasn't drinking but yeah and then i think you went up last but uh bobby went up like first or second and he was just like super playful with them and it was all scooter boys scooter boys biker boys oh you got your little bikes you're like vroom vroom you're like he just made fun of yeah biker culture to a bike gang and it's like dude we have no idea if these guys you know volunteer at a

church or run meth and fucking kill people and we're in san diego so they probably killed people and ran yeah they were full patch members they were in the curves so it was uh god we were all terrified and he's just like giggling and it's like dude we what do you think me and sam are going to be able to help you know have your back we're no we're all going to get curbstomped we're all going to get worn worn out yeah don't worry bobby me and lundell double dragon our way out of this biker uh-oh river city ransom time yeah you know what would be fun i pick you up by your legs and spin you around like that fucking wrestling move that pisses me off

yeah it was crazy i did not understand what possessed him to be so confident that everything was going to be fine he had nothing to lose man he was allegedly on probation he was allegedly leaving the state you know it was allegedly meth that he had in his pocket yeah allegedly of age you know like what are you gonna do when you're out there with the boys you gotta fucking show them who the alpha is and that's all he was doing then the next night he like fell down the stairs in san francisco and broke his rib completely nude you know remember that yeah he was he's gone full ficken he is like drunk and pants drunk and pantsless speaking of the egg-shaped peanut god man pickens up there in heaven right now

high fiveing Hitler hey Hitler want to hear a joke? oh joy I'd love to hear a joke but I'm eating the human luge they need me it's the boob orgy I'm the judge

I'm the honking judge Joey do you want to come forth because I'm coming third come forth that is you have a brain tumor and it's making you say come forth way too much

it's it's how it's expressing itself as it fucking metastasizes. It's making you say, come forth way too much. You have to rest now. Yeah, dude, I've been saying it a lot. Who do I think I am? I'm not like a fucking i'm not an autocrat beckoning my serfs you know what i mean

it made sense on stage your tithe made them at my feet the first couple times when you said it was to try to get people to sit in the front row and so it made sense come forth it was funny but now it's like you like it too much i don't like it it's a part of your new personality and you know that's the fucking king well as an author i have to say stuff like that you know come forth you guys hear that like viking horn no somebody just blew like a crazy celtic horn or something outside in my neighborhood. It sounded like it was in my house. Oh, good. Becker got his tumor a-poppin'. He's got a horn brain.

I was accused in the comments section of being Thomas Hayden Church in hiding, and I don't understand it. Yeah, don't read the comments, Becker. Unless you're me and everyone's saying you're the best. Stay out of there. I saw that. Yeah, that was random.

Hey, you know what we never do? Plug the fucking Patreon in the middle. Hey, all you dipshits, dinguses, come forth and join our Patreon. All right, it's great. We got so many fucking hot apps up there if you think we have a nasty rude time in here jesus christ join the page and seal the deal with

the devil all right if you think hitler in heaven's a fun nasty time you should see what we're up to in that goddamn patreon join up five bucks a month gets you all the hits. You get Lundu and Black Voice. You get Becker talking about a girl he used to bone. You get Sam's poetry. You get all the hits. Join Chubby Behemoth on patreon.com backslash chubbybehemoth. Join the revolution today. And speaking of the Patreon patreon you know what we're

doing it's time to talk if you're not a patron you don't know about this but we're gonna take all the money from this month's patreon and make a single bet in the super bowl the question is what should we bet london i'm sure you have some ideas but becker first of all i want to get your opinion on this. You're an avid football fan. Yeah, the kid who barely understands the game. Yeah, so first of all, who do you think is going to win the game?

It's the Bengals versus the Rams. Am I correct? That's right. Very good. I'm pretty impressed with myself. And the Rams have home field advantage and the Bengals have never been good ever, right? Basically, those are both true.

The Super Bowl is being played in the Rams stadium. The Bengals, this is their first time in the Super Bowl since like 88. Yeah, yes, since before I was born. They've had some decent teams, but they've never i don't know if that they i don't know that they've won a playoff game before this year and like yeah maybe it wasn't even super bowl i think it was they haven't won a playoff game since 88 oh yeah it's it could be that because they had a guy they had a guy on their team in the super bowl last time becker you'd love him he did a little dance called the icky shuffle which that's just fun and it was like a dance that like your grandpa would do after too much for now you know he would just like put his hand out

and then like bob back and forth kind of like when toad celebrates in the early mario games we're talking about a different toad from a different universe no no he's up there he's up there with thicken though oh god no yeah, God, no. Yeah, he's on Thicken's shoulders, chicken fighting Hitler. Get him, Toad. Hitler's on top of Charlie Chaplin, their mustache grows. Look at us.

Together we have one fully. I'm your smudge judge I like what you have okay so anyway RIP Toad RIP Ficken but uh so now the guy uh Icky who used to shuffle

he uh he's like a big fat guy and it doesn't make any sense that he was once like an elite caliber athlete anyway so Becker how many points do you think which team is going to win by i i think going off the very limited information i know the rams will win okay but i but i don't i don't know by how much what it doesn't go in groups of seven or it doesn't matter because of all the other weird points you can win in football. Just, yeah, whatever.

How many points do you think they'll win by? Like 17, 24? No, I think it would be like a touchdown or less. Okay, and what's a touchdown worth? Six. Wow. Okay, I was going to get you with the old it's actually six trick, but no, you're good. You're good. All right.

Well, that was Becker's update. Now, Lund, you've been're good. You're good. All right. Well, that was Becker's update. Now, Lund, you've been kicking around. You're a little money pig. You're greedier than Toad. What do you think it's going to be? What should we bet on? Is it still four for the spread? I don't know.

Probably. If Becker knew how to look it up, I'd ask? I don't know. Probably. If Becker knew how to look it up, I'd ask him to. It's scary to me because a lot of games have been very close. Almost every playoff game was won by a last-second field goal. So the team either won by two or three. And the Bengals have beaten some good teams. So I don't think that it'll be a blowout their defense is okay so i don't think it i could see the rams winning by between two and seven but i don't know i don't know about the under over because that couldn't go either way

you know there's been a couple super bowls that have been like that one, not that long ago was like Patriots, somebody where it was like 20 to 10 or something. It was very low scoring way to narrow it down. That was literally like every super bowl for the last 12 years was Patriots. Somebody. No, but no,

there was one. Wasn't there one that was like 14 to nine. I can't think of who the, it was Patriots andots and somebody i think and it was a very low scoring affair i don't know dude that come forth tumor that i have is totally eradicated my memories i have like such a bad memory unless it happened between the ages of like 14 and 20 so uh you know whatever you're saying i bet it's right but i exist exist in the now, brother. I'm Gossamer on the wings of an angel. Okay.

And I agree with you. I don't know what the score is going to be. I think the Rams probably run away with it. I mean, they have the best defensive line in football and Von Miller. So this is my sports analysis voice. Oh, I thought Noah was here. I'm Noah. He left my cousin.

So I don't know, dude. I i still i really like the old burrow it's over 10 and a half yards now down from 12 and a half right well i do like that part and that website well i guess it's bad if i like what the website said because they said it'll come down to nine and a half and they still would take the under. But what are we talking about? My dick? Yeah. You're losing dick weight with all this keto shit. You better have some bread. Oh, no, dude. My dick's never been stouter.

More dense. Yeah. More lush and thick. It gets bigger. Yeah. Smaller. Your thighs are. Yeah. I measure it now in foot-long subs.

It's either do you want a Jared or do you want a Jared's victim? And that's when I, you know, a Jared's when I'm hard and a Jared's victim when I'm soft. Nice riff. It's funny that there can be... Put a riff on the board. Like you can get made fun of for having a small dick when it's it's funny that there can be put a rip on the board like you can get made fun of for having a small dick when it's not hard that's in uh lucas right cory haynes schools the bully because he's

like uh you're trying to make fun of me when i have a flaccid penis and when it's flaccid it's more about the folds than the inches. Yeah. And then Charlie Sheen taught him all about hard versus flaccid behind the trailer. No. Oh, yeah. Ripped wide open. I forgot.

Yeah. What a nightmare. Corey. I'm never listening to Charlie Sheen's music again. I'm over it. I'm done. I'm separating the art from the artist. No more two and a half men for me.

Yeah, it was nice of him to take his stuff off Spotify. That was a big step forward. But yeah, I wish that the ladies tits were small unless they were excited. They'll be like, hey, cool tits. They're like, excited they'll give you like hey cool tits

and they're like i'm not hard you know they don't have to deal with that if they've got them they've got them now they can get pregnant and grow them you know what i mean though like there's not a big fluctuation between when it's cold or when you're scared and when you're horned up they're just no you're right and their vajay is the same no matter what like it can be engorged or whatever but it's not going to be like 10 times the size like our stupid wangs you once called a wet pussy fried gold it made me laugh i don't think any of that's true oh for 100 yeah i wonder who's I was talking about. We were talking about how, you know, it sucks that guys have to get hard in order to engage in the act of

coitus. And meanwhile, chicks can lick their fingers and it's all you said they lick their fingers and all of a sudden it's fried gold. And I was like, God, this guy really is the smartest man alive. I gotta, I gotta hitch my wagon to this horse. Look at these nuggets of wisdom. He's just dropping like breadcrumbs back to his house. This guy rocks.

I was probably manic. No, no. You were. Talking a bunch of shit. Actually, you probably were manic. Talking out of my ass. Yeah. I miss those days.

But so, Lund, what do you think? Are we doing this bet or what? I mean, I don't hate it. I don't hate it because any bet is you can overthink. I've overthought almost every bet I've made, and you can be so wrong about over, under, spread, passing yards, receiving yards. You know, receiving yards are tough because if you have eight options

and the two or three best safeties cornerbacks are on the top guys, then you could have this fourth, you know, the fourth wide receiver ends up racking up all the, you know, it depends on the game plan going in and how they adjust. And so it is tough when, when you got like Cooper cup is going to have a bunch of receiving yards, I would imagine, but I don't know how many.

Well, Jamar chase is going to be covered by Jalen Ramsey. And guess what? That's black on black violence. And I don't like it. Yeah. I saw, I don't know if it was a skip and no sold Shannon, but yeah, I don't know. it was Skip and Shannon

but yeah I'm going to keep moving because you said something and tried to make it rhyme and I tuned out my tumor tunes me out tunes you out whenever you start rhyming or talking about shit

that you shouldn't be talking about so is Skip that old white guy that hangs out with little wayne does he what does he hang out with little wayne is that the truth yeah he wears that chain that little wayne gave him every time he's on tv what i think that's right yeah i'm pretty sure that he's the weird old white guy that's in little wayne's crew for no reason yeah him and shannon sharp are always arguing he's very annoying but i like shannon enough to like watch the show on youtube he's like shannon i just don't know you know these fellas i heard

they have an extra muscle in their leg and shannon's like skip i'm gonna beat the shit out your ass. Shannon. I think Shannon's supposed to be getting his own show. I think they're splitting up like after this year, whenever this like current contract is done, it's called sharper with Shannon. I think he's going to do his own thing. I think it's going to be called.

Shining with Shannon and no, it's going to be called the sharper image and he's going to dress even nicer than he already does now and he's going to show him the greatest he's going to be in a massage chair yeah he's great i love uh but yeah i think he was saying if if jaylen tries to cover jamar chase jamar will have 400 yards receiving i think because jamar is younger faster um so i'm kind of curious about and also you you hammer the over on jamar chase and then vaughn and fucking uh aaron donald gets six sacks each and burr you know burrows going three and out three quarters of the game jamar could have 60 yards instead of you of whatever the over is probably like. What if we parlayed

the over with the Rams minus four and then also the color of the Gatorade that the winning team pours is orange? How about that parlay? Orange? What color do you think the Gatorade is going to be, Becker? I don't know. I don't

watch enough sports, but that's just like the worst flavor. What are you talking about? Orange Gatorade is the best. When you're hung over, you need a little pick me up. Oh, not in blue. Oh, dude. Blue Powerade, you dumb piece of shit. And orange Gatorade.

No, blue Gatorade, too. No, dude. Becker, grow up. When's the last time you were hung over, you fucking pile of crap? It's been like over a year. Yeah, dude. Becker, grow up. When's the last time you were hung over, you fucking pile of crap? It's been like over a year. Yeah, exactly. What did you do that time? What were you doing? Oh, man. I don't remember. I got wasted, though.

Oh. What was it? I don't remember at all. Hanging out with other Jake. You were like, oh, I got to do something so I don't remember at all. Hanging out with other Jake. You were like, well, I got to do something so I don't have to be the one to drive home. Yeah. Fuck.

I have no recollection of when the last time I had drinks was. Damn. I figured maybe it was, you remembered the hangover. So I figured maybe it was a, a fun celebration kind of thing. Oh, no, I do remember, and it wasn't a fun

story. When in Rome. All right. Well, glad we tossed it to Becker for a little bit of help, but he fucking dropped that pop fly, even though it came right to him. It's definitely not a free episode story.

Okay, well. that pop fly even though it came right to him it's definitely not a free episode story okay well patreon.com slash chubby behemoth for the dish so we don't just bet on who's gonna win there's all the you have to bet on specific things you can money line is just who's gonna win and you don't have to worry about the spread. You don't have to have a team and then get points or lose. Funny line is anything I say. Money line, money line. Hold on.

I'll look at the money line odds. I bet they're bad. Uh, yeah. Rams are minus one 98. What are we doing? That's a, you bet a dollar,

you win 50 cents. Come on, brother. You got to bet two to win one. What are we doing? That's, uh, you bet a dollar, you win 50 cents. Come on, brother. You gotta bet two to win one. What are we? Playing fucking jacks with Hitler in heaven? Come on. I'm not trying to shoot marbles with the Fuhrer.

Uh-uh. I'm trying to pocket a little bit of cash. Yeah, uh... Fuck. You don't know. Becker making note of edits to make becker in his laboratory cigarette dangling from his thin matchstick like lips he goes to his computer types in edit that out makes a time stamp and now he's back engaged with the boys oh yeah let me say also that i've got chubby behemoth calendars that uh

were sent out for december's patreon uh subscribers and i had ordered ordered a few extra i've got one for you sam becker if you want one they're 20 bucks but yeah and i need to there was there was somebody hit me up asking and i wasn't sure how much they were going to cost a ship and it was cheap so uh yeah i think uh we could do 20 bucks and i'll send you a calendar yeah send them media mail because that's what they are uh becker you know you should do get one of those calendars hanging up at the worm farm yeah because those are the kind of guys we want listening to the show worm farmers yeah you know travis and hassan well we don't have to get racist uh you know anyone anyone can be a worm farmer you know it's not a certain kind of guy jesus becker That's who it is.

Okay, you need to chill. We're going to get taken off Patreon. You know, I can do it because I walk a fine line. Oh, okay. Yeah, so I don't know, guys. I'm really excited about the Super Bowl. I wish we could all watch it together, but Becca has to play at psych bike instead and uh are you gonna be in uh san diego or you could be oh i fly home the morning of okay i'm doing the voice from the m&m

song m&m is going to be playing in the super Bowl halftime show. Oh, yeah. Will he say it? What's the over-under on someone saying it? You have Dre. You have Snoop. You have Mary J. Says it a lot. Blimey. Will one of them slip up and get nasty with the fellas?

Or will they keep it kosch to appease the advertisers? Find out this Sunday on NBC on the super bowl of saying it uh shit it's funny that there was such an uproar about janet jackson's boob and now we're gonna have a bunch of gangsta rap it's like these some of these guys have killed some folks gangsta rap you sound a thousand years old Old Sid I am I'm older than Dr. Dre I sold Dr. Dre his first pair of roller skates Do you remember that album cover

Of course That was Eazy-E put that on the back of his album To stick it to That's right He had like six songs on there just calling Dre hate speech, just slurring Dre. I told Eazy-E not to do that because we were,

well, he was a year ahead of me in high school. And I was like, Eazy, this is going to be anything but Eazy. He's pulling this off without taking some damage. Yeah. And then him and his buddy pissed on you in the shower. Yeah, it was easy easy he was the one who pissed on your leg damn i hadn't thought about that in a while so think about it whenever i think of you thanks for bringing it back to the forefront of my frontal lobe i'm actually going to pay steve aj to recreate that for your 40th birthday god i would just start swinging i would be so mad if someone pissed on you

if yeah i mean i would i didn't want to fight uh lamar stucky yeah because he would have gotten pounded you were he was twice he was twice as big as me yeah he he was going through puberty i was not yeah and he had it dude he was hanging rope he pissed on you from the different stall he had yeah he he had p fourth period i was in third period and he still somehow whipped it out you were on you you were on your fourth meal and having your period and then meanwhile lamar comes in as everyone smells fingers hey coach you want to see what your wife smelled like uh so yeah i didn't do anything then and if it happened again i'd have to i'd have to avenge my

eighth grade or seventh grade god i had to avenge my middle school self and beat up the bully bullies past and present so what if i had steve aj troy walker and anthony crawford i'll corner you and piss on you what if i did that i'd start smacking dicks how's that for a gift kicking balls yeah that's what you do just make them bigger now they start to shrivel in fear yeah i wouldn't be petting them i wouldn't be playfully swatting them stop and i'm smiling knock it off i would try to bite them off yeah because you're on your knees because i'm tied up yeah you're tie tie lon what are we gonna do for your birthday man it's coming up when do you think my birthday is i think your birthday is june 29th

you have never known it it's probably i thought about this not that long ago you have no idea when it is you're always way off and i think it's because i don't care about my birthday and you're a little birthday boy you're like oh what's everybody gonna do for my birthday and it's like i don't know not give a fuck because you're a grown person and then you're like no we're gonna roller skate and we're gonna go to the park and we're going to have pizza, pizza hot. And it's like, grow up. Why do you still give a shit about your birthday? Because I celebrate everyone else 364 days of the year.

It's my fault that you don't know it, I guess. Yeah, what's your birthday? July 9th? Just tell me your fucking birthday. No, it's not. You'll never know. You're never going to know. Becker, look it up.

It's not online. Becker, enhance's not. You'll never know. You're never going to know. Becker, look it up. It's not online. Becker, enhance. Enhance. I'm kidding. I don't know if it is or not, but it doesn't matter. It's July 23rd. Okay, so I was pretty much at it when I said June 26th. You said June 29th.

I knew it started with a fucking j dude july 9th i just i that's the thing is i don't have it saved as lun's birthday i have it as a bitch anniversary got your own ass yeah i should have been on the calendar it should have said anniversary june 26. well for your for your for may because that's when your birthday is i have the little the picture of you as a kid in the tough guy cowboy hat outfit yes and then for my birthday for july it's the drawing that jeremy did of me as a as a secret clown yes dude that sounds like so much fun and you can get those from samtalent.com oh yeah there you go go to london go to london leave me alone let's go through your friend in Georgia. Dude, that sucked. I got scammed.

I don't even get it. Sign up for the mail membership, everyone. Get on there. I'll send you. I'm sending out excerpts. You're getting like fucking 14 pages this week or this month. Excerpts from my new novel, samtalent.com. Monthly mail membership, $8.99.

Gets you all the literature you can eat. But yeah, I outsced the the packaging and shipping of the mail membership to this guy in georgia who was like i can do it my daddy owns a print shop and i was like all right well this sounds legit and uh he suckered you in by using the term duddy yeah and i had a cool little twang to his thang he's like my daddy prints up them words on that paper every damn day brother i'm like all right well if your daddy does do it then let the daddy do um so i sent him 250 bucks and he won't respond my messages i don't think he sent out shit damn yep so if you got the monthly mail membership you are getting last month's

and this month's all wrapped up together in an envelope bearing a stamp of Hitler's mustache. It says, cool guys go to heaven. It says, kids rule. School sucks. It says,

cowabunga hitler hitler hitler flying through the air on a skateboard while everybody cheers him on whoa he's shooting the gap if i am able to cross the river sticks on this skateboard Everybody shall be getting laid. Yeah. And he's in midair. They're like, yeah. People are dumping them out. He's doing a Christ air, which is where he just gets blown by Christ in the air.

Suck Hitler's little witler, Christ. You were one of the ones I wanted to rid. Him and Christ are like, it's like a buddy cop situation where like, they don't trust each other, but they're a good team and they work together, you know, and then they like learn from each other through dance and song that you're not really that bad. Jesus is dancing to polka music.

Yeah. I know it's like Russian, but he's crossing his arms and then doing the squatted kicks. Hitler's like, you're not that bad. Hitler's doing the cabbage patch. They do the kid and play. Can't hurt nobody. Get on down.

They have to team up to save a ski resort in heaven. If Hitler lands this, Jesus will be uncrucified. Can Hitler land the 900? Some kid just did a 1280. Spin, Hitler. Spin for Christ. The Olympics have been sucking. Yeah, so have you.

No, I'm good, man. It's fun to have fun with the gang. I got to go to that goddamn hen house, you know, and keep up with all that estrogen for the next couple days. Are you going to be the only dude with a dang ding dong? Yeah, they're going to keep groping me and saying, is that a jewel pod in your pocket or are you sprung?

Does this taste like cotton candy? My vape pen is in the car. Like, all right, never mind. I'll be the only dude there besides a guy named Josh. What's his deal? He's married to one of the ladies who's there. Yeah.

If you know what I mean. How are his nipples? Big, tiny? Don't know. I don't know. I've never seen his shirt off. He's not like a take your shirt off and wiggle guy. He's like, I'll be in the basement kind of guy.

Oh, yeah. What's he doing down there? I don't know. Probably watching violent pornography he says it's mma he's like oh yeah i downloaded the last ufc show but i haven't watched it yet and so you just hear awful smacking like thuds yeah and oh he's gushing blood and it's fucking porn gross all right well uh we're we're solid in this yes you got a little turbulence on the dismount yeah carrie struck out there i got a wheels broken ankle and bella lag, no, no. Bella shit.

I can't think of the can't think of the coach's name. The fucking Bella. It's not Kurosi or maybe. Oh, it's Kurosi, not Lugosi. Yep. And that was worth it. Shut up. The riff has been saved by you remembering the name. You're worth less than nothing.

My friendship puts you in debt. Nice. Yeah, well, the wheels didn't hit at the same time, but the plane is on the ground. And that's another episode of Chub Grub, but Green Grif. All right, Becker cut off the recording early because he's a little premature cum puddler. He's just fucking

sticky with stucco do you want to apologize oh I'm sorry there'd be no way of knowing in the edit unless you called me out like this you're sorry for what I'm sorry for stopping it thank you and also

for laughing when Lund talks I don't like that either I don't like you hanging out with lum when i'm not around i was supposed to go hang out with them after my haircut but i was hungry so i went home yeah you went home and ate all the hair hey uh i want to plug my dates upcoming all of illinois listen up you fucking align i here we go again city winery february 16th that's a wednesday buy tickets to that please because i doubt the show's gonna be good coming up next i'm over there in rock island illinois and i'm not talking about the gay club down on 38th all right right. Come on down to Rock Island. See me and DJ Danger Aaron.

Remember him? No. Are you thinking of Rockstar Aaron? Rockstar Aaron. Yeah. I'd see him on the bus. Danger Aaron was jackass. Is jackass.

He's currently jackass. Right. He's earning his money. You saw Rockstar Aaron on the bus uh you saw rockstar aaron on the bus i saw maris maris the great i've seen maris on the 15 as well and he's all zombied out and talking like this and he's like maris has a transfer i'll bite your dick off if you don't honor my transfer. Yeah, ma'am. Would you like to sit down? So wake brewery in rock Island,

Illinois. Then I'm moving on over to Bloomington, Illinois at night shop, rounding things out there in Peoria, Illinois, all the way over there at jukebox comedy club on the 19th. And then putting the dog to bed in South bend, Indiana,

Sunday, February 20th. Come 20th come one come all come hard and i will rub you off and jerk your little cum rocket onto a coran because sam t's hitting illinois and illinois is hitting back i've also got dates to plug and you can rock no keep recording i'm opening for Todd Berry in your backyard, Sam, at the Aggie Theater in Fort Collins. It's Oddbody and Todd Berry.

I'll be up there with Todd on February 18th, and then the 19th we'll be at the Oriental Theater in Denver or Cholorado. So yeah, thanks for talking over my dates while I listen to you plug your bullshit.

Hey, I'm going to be in Joliet, Illinois at the Tornado Shelter. It's a comedy club unless there's a tornado. Well, I thought we only plugged headlining dates i'm sorry no i'm well thanks to you and todd i am a feature again you're the you're the todd squad's odd bod you