Chubby Behemoth - Squishing Into The Ground

Episode Date: June 9, 2023

Füm: Head to https://www.tryfum.com & use promo code CHUBBY to save an additional 10% off on your order   Extra episodes at Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   Lord Of The Birds. The Chode Detector. Legally Small.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

daddy's working and we have to be quiet it feels like we're under his computer desk i wish he was underneath my boot right now oh shit i wish his neck and head were beneath my size 13 doc martin did you ever have them the tallies you mean like the knee boot Doc Martin's yeah everybody had them we all wore them I'm kidding

dude imagine me wearing those cut off shorts Litterman's jacket yeah think of think of all the worlds i could have united if i just showed up to high school in knee-high doc martins with a letterman's jacket on and also handing out army recruitment paperwork goose stepping shouting orders yeah yeah but doing it uh while wearing a rainbow flag

it's just you got to throw all of it all the spaghetti at the wall and when it lands on the ground that's american culture there was a message from someone who i uh was really identifying with your conundrum in high school being a jock who also wanted to play magic oh really yeah i don't think he was a jock but he said he hid his what did he say it was like a baseball card game turn-based card game and he like hid that from his friends well yeah that shit's for losers all right you should have hit it that's lame i'm talking about chess all right i'm talking about chess meets poker that's what magic is it's the most perfect game in the history of games and he wants to bring his mlb the show into this

conversation i can't handle magic discussions, tweets. I try and I'm just like, this is its own language. I'm not allowed to. Wait, wait. You've been delving into the world? No, but like Rachel Weeks and Jake Brown will tweet about their decks. And when you talk about it with somebody who knows what they're talking about, I'm not in the conversation. I can't even like,

oh, this does that. Like, it's crazy. It is pretty complex, I would imagine. Yeah. And also like whenever I'm having those conversations, there's still that ashamed piece of me inside that's like, whatever I'm saying right now that's being recorded about magic is more impactful and more dangerous to my career and livelihood than if i were to just blast a bunch of fucking slurs if i was just saying it right now that would be better for me for my mental health than if if i knew that was out there where it's just like sam t slur compilation volume four versus me going into like the ins and outs of like you know the extended format in 2004. So yeah, I'll never get over that.

I'm literally sitting here at my desk and my magic cards are on the desk. And I feel like when dudes eat a baby bird, they put the sheet over their head. That's how I want to look at my magic cards. You've told me about that. head that's how i want to look at my magic cards he's like hidden i should have like a bunker where i go to just you know see how many wooded foothills i have but no it's all out there now i've given another piece of myself away to the zeitgeist the bird thing that's like high-end restaurants right or is it in other countries where you do that i think it's high-end dining i'm sure that some danish fucks made it up it had to come from copenhagen yeah that's where all of

our finest dining experiences come from is that weird fuck out there who like goes within 20 feet of his restaurant to gather all of his herbs oh i found these mushrooms on my walk i better cook them up for 120 euro for dinner that's what that song that country song is about copenhagen got to eat a little bird put a hood on so no one could see me copenhagen eating underneath the sheet copenhagen i'm eating baby meat so no one can see how delighted i am to eat a tiny baby bird head and bones and all i love the way it skull crushes between my teeth didn't you say it's because it's well i guess it's because it's no because we eat meat or whatever you don't have a sheet you don't go around the corner so it's it is about like enjoying it fully like blasting a load probably it makes you hard and then you jack

and then you use the hood to clean up yeah i think that when you're underneath the hood you're actually pleasuring yourself at a restaurant dining table in a michelin star restaurant the bird sucks you you blow into it into it, and then you eat it. Yes, actually, these tongs are so you can complete the experiment. The pleasure is part of the meal. Fuzzy tongs.

Just make sure that when you finish, you do it into the soup bowl so we can serve your dessert. They make you eat your own cob. You get to. You pay for the privilege yeah there's uh no one can be mad there's those uh like soups that have continuously been served forever it seemed like those were everywhere on the internet for a while you know somebody discovered them and tweeted about them and then everybody talked about them for two days did you see that no i wasn't part of the soup discourse online yeah there were like several

stories i saw in like different countries where there has been there have been families that have just kept basically kept a stew going for like hundreds of years i think there was one in france there was one in like asia yes mother broths as we call them in the community is that it yes yeah you have to this family has been jizzing in this soup for five generations it was grandpa's he would wake up every morning and come downstairs and just pump a load into the bouillabaisse people come from all around yeah that's actually where clam chowder came from i would i would love to make a mother broth here i've often thought about just how restorative and powerful it would be to have just a big bowl of simmering broth going 24 7 in the house but believe it or not my wife says that's dangerous and not healthy. And also that I'm, quote, unquote, not around enough to maintain it.

Yeah, it would be her responsibility immediately. Hey, Emmy, I'm in Punxsutawney, and then I'm in Secaucus, New Jersey, and then I have to go to Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. It's the capital. And so if you could just stir this every 30 seconds so it doesn't stick to the fucking walls hey emmy can you uh cancel on that uh heart surgery that you're overseeing i uh i put too much honey in the broth and i'm just gonna scald

i would it would just be a lot of fun to come home after a long weekend you know put my suitcase down give emmy a slap on the ass and have a big bowl of broth that i know has been an issue for her really what sweetens the broth is how that has annoyed this yeah yeah just her like rage and spite going into every stir god damn it why did i propose to him what was the matter with me what was i going through what did i think he was gonna fix i was 23 i wanted him i wanted him to start taking care of himself more and then he did and then he went all the way to fucking storied soup history that he wanted to get into and start he says he wants to tell his story via

soup this this is my medium honey this is how i paint this is my orchestra i'm conducting uh dude how about how about when we were in the hotel room and it was me you emmy and bobby and i realized that i was the fourth wheel i was the turd in the soup because i we were about to go to bed and i was like wait a minute emily's a doctor bobby's a lawyer sam's an author i'm a comedian bartender podcaster dog dad snake owner i got a snake man i didn't know the dog dad made it onto the business card i don't care for that i think you bumped that off and put the fourth bullet point as snake owner slash crow enchanter oh dude i got a hot tip oh yeah crow enchanting i can't remember if somebody shared it uh to us or if i stumbled upon it it was probably in one of your message boards or your meetup groups i think somebody

sent me a reddit post that said hey my wife and i just moved into a house and we want to be this we want to have a ton of birds hanging out and be that the bird the spooky bird house and i was like i'm listening and then they're like hey our son died and we need to fix this hole in ourselves so we're gonna be a couple yeah so so what the reply said uh get big raw shell on peanuts like the bigger the better so that smaller birds can't really fuck with them i'm listening and then dust them with cayenne so that squirrels don't fuck with them and then you are primed for crows i guess crows maybe like the heat they like a spicy peanut and uh you're on your way and it also said uh you know if you there's that whole thing with uh they'll like

bring you things and then you have to if you reward them then they'll bring you there's that whole thing with uh they'll like bring you things and then you have to if you reward them then they'll bring you more of that thing um yeah if there's a weird little dance that they can that they can do with you where they bring you stuff and if they bring money and you reward them with more peanuts or different like better stuff then you're essentially like telling them to go and like rob people and they will so that seemed crazy but you're just gonna have an army of thieving crows at your beck and call i'm not gonna thieve i'm not gonna turn them into pickpockets you buried the lead on this i thought you were just gonna be crow guy with a stump full of crows i didn't know that you were like having a foot clan of flying warriors they bring cigarettes and i'm like yes

yes yes megan i can smoke them if the birds bring them remember our vows you made a promise i sell them out of the back of my car they're like this uh does this get gummed on it's like well a little yeah but hey it's it's bird saliva so it's safe i would like the idea of uh so one time i was eating boiled peanuts down in shreveport your favorite i didn't realize that they loved the crows were so into them until next thing i know i look up i'm being savaged by black birds it's because of the cayenne and the boiled peanuts oh they're into it yeah so yeah uh i think i will get a big old bag of peanuts and report back yeah you're gonna report back hey update i ate all the peanuts

the peanuts didn't make it into the house from the car it was a half hour drive i had to go to the peanut ranch down there in lamar and next thing i know i woke up with the wheel has crashed into a tree there's peanut shells everywhere or yeah i was driving i had the windows open i had a couple of peanuts god forbid i bought them next thing i know the car is just full throbbing with crows the crows picked my car up and brought me to the east for some reason they took my sheath underwear off of my body they're using it as their pirate flag they're flying it from their crow boat crow crow crow your boat gently off the road uh i really hope that you

can figure out the crow situation to the point where you're like the crow man of trinidad and you can't go on the road anymore because much like my broth you have to tend to the crows if the crows break up your wedding or your relationship with creech like if they shatter your your marriage that would only be the funniest way to get divorced she would help me unlike emmy with your soup this would not be a huge inconvenience. She would relish it. She'd want to toss some peanuts and see some crows. She's always wanted to be like a spooky bird queen.

I always said that about Creech. First time I met her at City of City, I was like, this bitch wants to be Lord of the Birds. The blacker the birds, the better. The bird lady. the black of the birds the better the bird lady well and now that uh spring has sprung we have like these lilac bushes and a couple of great trees everything is very green but uh when we moved in when it was winter uh you know and all the trees were bare and the bushes uh a bunch of crows would definitely make us like for for Halloween, we could buy a bag of candy and put half of it out there. And maybe there'd be a couple of brave enough kids that would grab a Twix and run away because of all the spooky crows, the dead trees.

Our house just looks a little off. So I'm excited. I want to scare the shit out of those fucking tweens so how many kids are in trinidad though six there's yeah they're gonna change masks and do laps on your house we lost no no i'm saying the birds will like scare them and they'll be like oh it's halloween maybe these two are into the occult you know uh and so they'll be scared and they'll like nudge each other and be like you go get something no you go get it i don't want to get my eyes pecked out old man lun lives in there with his black beauty that crow is looking at me they say that her pillows are full of crow feathers

the crows the crows bring him cigarettes and her pleasure it's just a bunch of ladies a bunch of crows going down on your wife just nibbling on her clit like a big old ear of corn. It's boiled. It's boiled, y'all, and a taste of cayenne. Are you ever going to try and eat the crows? Is this a food source situation? No, and they're smart enough. They'll know right away if I'm on to them.

If the cayenne also comes with a little paprika, they will know to stay away. Yeah, you probably are dumber than a crow as our as your like revelatory ranking late at night at that hotel room has figured out you're the dumbest guy now. I was the dumbest or I was the least accomplished in a room with three other go getters. That was OK. Do you think that I like knowing that Bobby is officially better better than us that was nobody could have predicted it no it's the upset of the summer they come from behind victory that movies are made of it would be like the heat beating the nuggets in five that's the same as bobby becoming a lawyer don't you put that out there hey man i'm just saying bobby is a miracle baby and it's a crazy. Don't you put that out there. Hey, man, I'm just saying Bobby is a miracle baby.

And it's a crazy. He didn't swallow his tongue in the crib. And all of a sudden he's a fucking lawyer. Maybe our bullying inspired him. No, I think it was being a bartender and seeing what his options were. Yeah. I was turning into just an old chode. He was just looking down the barrel of being a senior chode.

One day I could run the chode factory. Extra 10 minutes for lunch. Bobby being a lawyer. He, Emily was like, well, I'm a doctor. And Bobby was like,

yeah, I'm a doctor too. I have a doctor of like law. And Emily was like, oh crap. So I'm dumber than you she dumped him out to make everybody shut up what do you think about these fellas now who's the doctor now who's the lawyer oh these two are it looks like they're working together you know what a funny bit is

if someone uh I don't know how to set this up but you grab an object right and some and you say hey you know what this is and so you're like they're like oh uh yeah it's let's see and i was like no no here hold it and then they take it and you go beep beep beep it's a show detector you don't know how to set it up you nailed it that was good right you've been doing that up there no no i did it with adam eget in the mothership and we've been laughing about the last couple days about going on shark tank and being like sharks i present to you the chode detector and mark cuban's like well no way it works and you're like for 100k i won't make you pick it up and he's like all right i'll give you 200 just keep it in your pocket and well played well played senior

chode detector all right i'll buy in six million for 10 you're like all right do you want to hold it it's not on right it's off well let's find out here you go mr aniche uh-oh damn i got my ass i'll pay 20 million to suppress this technology it's like the electric car that's what would happen yeah you would get you would get bought and acquired and then you nobody would ever hear of the chode detector again yeah you just have to put it deep in the desert where you bury uranium this technology can't fall into the wrong hands putin hands it to biden oh damn you got me oh shit it'd be like a joy buzzer you know like

you hide it in your palm and you go to shake hands with someone and then you pull back your hand and they're holding a little object and they're like no no beep beep beep what was that your detector going off no fucking dog george michael being carried away by crows yeah keep he's trying to keep the crows away he doesn't want the competition he's like i already got a snake in here i know i'm gonna have several birds out there

also getting some snacks and some pets i don't think you pet them i think you just salute them you listen to them yeah i think you just stand with your arms akimbo and you wait for them to swarm you you just put your head back and hold your arms up call it the jason lee they're making another one but it doesn't look good did you write the script no just breaking the news i consulted i was like more crows damn it there needs to be so many fucking crows maybe we can give the crows a line this time let them talk this is also appropriation so maybe the lead should be a crow better to teach a crow kung fu karate you know how to handle a gun than to have some schmuck put a crow costume on and act like he knows what the hell he's doing

i want to see that dead spin article about like racial appropriation of crow culture that would be great it would be great wouldn't it god be a better place imagine how that would go nicer world bring a couple smiles and some weird bird folks do you really think that uh you're the dumbest one though well you know i'm fine but it was funny to just list who's where people where the four people in the two beds were at. Yeah. And I was, you know, by standard, you know, I'll say this. Bobby's not a husband. So I've got that on him. And that's not going to pay the bills, but it does improve my quality of life. Literally anyone can be a husband.

Can they? Not really. Oh, for sure. Well, you know what I mean? Can they be happy? Can they be in a successful relationship? Or is it just going to be another layer to the nightmare that is reality, that is life? Yeah, you are better off.

I feel bad for Bobby out there on his motorcycle getting all that hot paralegal pussy, just his power incorrectly be like oh you want you want to sit on the bench i call this the bend she whips out his nice piece remember when he was rock hard when he got out of bed after laying next to you for like 10 hours how could i forget yeah what was that about it's morning morning wood yeah but he'd been awake at that point for two hours laying next to you here and you make all your morning noises like a fucking steamship coming into port and he gets out and he's fucking pingo jr he's pingo esquire no he said i think he said that he he drifted off he was thinking about probably thinking about boning somebody.

Yeah, not our wives. The chode detector went off. The chode detector did not go off. I had gotten into the shower. Yeah, you're right. It was pretty long. Too long for a chode. Long and skinny.

I saw Bobby's dick when we were on tour. I remember. You wouldn't shut up about it. Well was it was funny because i just didn't know that he was peeing outside of the van we had stopped i think it was when we looked at the sea lions between maro bay and san francisco yeah cam was peeing too was on the side of the road i wish i could have seen both cams has got to be crazy i bet it's all scabbed and terrible it's all that 19 year old bartender pussy. He's wrecked throughout the years. But yeah,

I saw Bobby's and I was like, whoa, cool dick, Bob. And, uh, you know, he nodded and his dick nodded.

Cam's probably looks like a snapped into slim Jim, like the, like the slim gyms they had for Randy Savage during the commercial shoots. Sorry, take two. That's just Cam's hog now. After slamming it into so many nice pieces of Ace. They're pretty resilient.

I don't know. I'll bet he took care of it, and it still looks pretty cool. We should just figure out penile technology and put it into, like, cars. You could have, like, a little car, then you put a bunch of gas in it or make it go real fast and it extends and you can put the whole family in there a car that's mostly flesh and blood and bone well i'm just saying like we can figure out the whole like circuitry of what makes the penis tick we can put that into helicopters and airplanes and cars i don't think you want a bigger helicopter it would just crash you know what

would be cool is to put the chode detector technology into a van and then you go drive around and pick people up and then they're like oh what is this like an uber or like a ride share and you're like no no you're in the chode mobile and then when they put when they put your seat belts on and when the seat belt goes in they can detect if you do or do not in fact have a chode oh it's well i thought it was whether you are a chode no no it's if you have one or not oh yeah yeah that's why no one wants it to get out that's why it's the most dangerous technology since ai right because a lot of people already know if someone is a chode for sure that's just on their fedora how much they stink yeah but yeah it's if they call a

sword a katana or not but yes if you just have a device and you're like hey put her there and you slip it to them and they're like what's the beep beep a? A net falls down. A bunch of smoke alarms go off. Oh, no. My secret's out. My secret's as big as it is wide. Fuck. That's a problem. But I think that a novelty line of show detectors could really go far.

Like, it could revolutionize Spencer's Gifts, that kind of thing. Oh, yeah. We would go to Spencer's first. Yeah. And start there. And then, next, the world. should i spencer's gifts that kind of thing oh yeah we would go to spencer's first yeah and start there and then next the world next the olympics yeah the olympics of chode detecting you should train your crows to smell out people's chodes oh i'd have dozens of chode detectors yes exactly and then you could be like look i'll go public with this information or you can pay me off in uncooked peanuts for my flock we all have bad habits maybe you curse too much in front of grandma

hey fuck you you old bitch your victory garden sucks my dick your spaghetti is bullshit yeah what's the secret ingredient grandpa's jizz chodes well what is this i thought this was calamari it's just a bunch of chodes grandma oh gross yes but yeah maybe you do that maybe you've been kicked out of your kids little league games god those videos are awful do you watch those of course i have a lot of money on those games just parents beating the shit i just saw a ref knock out a dude from behind it was wild a referee punched a man yeah the the parent was going after the other referee and then ref the the the alpha ref just fucking knocks him out in the middle of the basketball court holy shit i would love that you know my favorite memory from kids little league games is uh they were taking an mtv show and it was i think it was juvenile it was either juvenile or trick

daddy and they fixed a like a sixth grade football game at halftime he takes the quarterback aside and he's like whispering to him off camera and then the quarterback goes in and just starts fucking tanking and then at the end of the game he holds up a bunch of money it was awesome whoa i like this you know what else is awesome though lund fume that's right fume is the innovative device that replaces that nasty hand-to-mouth habit you want to do less of. And of course, we're talking about, for legal reasons, habit is in quotation marks. Shut up.

That nasty hand-to-mouth habit, which of course, talking about eating your jizz. Oh, sorry, I stepped on that. It lets, yeah, well, you can't teach timing. It lets you remove the bad while still keeping the habit, making it a much easier transition on your brain and body. Are there electronics involved? Well, there's no electronics. Is it completely natural? Completely natural.

Shut up. What about vapor or harmful chemicals? Just read it. We're doing it together. No. Well, there's no vapor or harmful chemicals. I'll answer myself. Are there any vapors? That's what you're doing. You. No. Well, there's no vapor or harmful chemicals. I'll answer myself. Are there any vapors?

That's what you're doing. You're just all over me. Yeah, I know. It's like a two-man tag team match. It's like an echo where the first voice is strong and the second one is a little tiny guy. Hey, I got an echo for you right here, pal. Did you buy me an echo? Yes. Those are cool cool there's no harmful

chemicals fume just uses air and all natural delicious flavors like white cranberry and crisp mint i'm a big fan of the fucking cranberry i have it over at my writing desk right now and it's perfect you just put it in your mouth you honk on it. It doesn't fill your lungs with any like wet feeling. It's just air. You're just breathing in air. They're selling air. It's a perfect, perfect situation. You've got a little bit of the weight to the device, and you've got it in your hand. You take a couple puffs, and yeah, you're on your way. I get it. I get it, too. A lot of people use toothpicks to accomplish the same situation, and this is cooler because it's made of metal and wood.

There's an adjustable airflow dial, movable parts, magnets for fidgeting. Fume helps reduce stress and anxiety while you break your habit yeah i didn't know that that was part of it but yeah there's a little clicking sound so you can twist it and have that clicking going on you can pull it apart push it back together whatever i put a fidget spinner in my mouth one of my wife's friends says hey that's my baby spit it out that's right now we have to we have to boil that before a little rosanne has it again um but hey look stopping is something we all put off because it's hard but switching to fume is easy enjoyable and even fun fuma served over a hundred thousand customers and has thousands of success stories and there's no reason that that can't be you join fume and accelerating

humanity's breakup from destructive habits by picking up the Journey Pack today. Head to tryfume.com and use code CHUBBY to save 10% off when you get the Journey Pack today. That's tryfume.com and use code CHUBBY to save save an additional 10 off of your order today fume me too bad ravens are cooler than crows no not really which one's bigger ravens ravens for sure okay but crows are kind of the chode of the blackbird world no way man they're. They're huge. They're crazy out here. So if Ravens are even bigger, they might be too big. Yeah, you don't want competition.

You don't want Creech to leave you for a Raven. Yeah, if they get too smart. I think I'm going to Edgar Allen Poe's house on Friday with Tim Butterly. Nice. Yeah, that'll be fun report back on whether you know there's a bunch of ravens just waiting for edgar to rise from the grave and lead them to victory over standing vigil over his headstone what if edgar allen poe The Crow? That'd be sick. Hell yeah.

Now we're talking. Uh-oh, I'm lost in it. So, hey. The revenue. The revenue. The revenue. Oh, man. Save it.

Save it for the pitch. Save it for the elevator. Look, so either you guys make this movie, you give me all the money I want for this movie, or you have to handle this object. Well, for sure we're going to handle the object. I mean, we don't want to give you 20 million. All right, here you go. Beep, beep, beep. No, no.

Pixar is ruined. Everybody knows. I thought it was long enough to avoid detection. No, but it's really long but also really wide it's like a dinner plate sucks oh man can i ask you a serious question let's get serious will you handle this object give it here you go alright beep beep beep no it's small

but it's not chode size I'd love to see a real chode in the wild you're at the urinal you're taking your weekly peek you're at the ball game it's not a real thing it's hyperbole there's no way that there's like there's chodes out there no they walk amongst us i don't think that's true your best friend

could even have a show and you'd never know until you give him this device on his birthday the chodening yeah before the first time you have sex with a lady she's like all right you have you have you have protection and you're like oh i got him right here and then she's like all right just handle this device real quick not the device um here's my serious question i need you to answer now in front of all the patrons and the regular listeners are you coming to japan with me is it getting funded yeah it's funded by our patreon listeners well i thought maybe it was going to be super funded well if it was super funded that would just go towards a camera guy no it would go towards first class no that you know how much it costs to fly first class to japan it's

like 30k jesus you know how many bowls of ramen we can get for 30k you guys were in the unme when you uh got lowered into the fuselage of the plane that was coach yeah no so we i used a bunch of my premier qualifying points to upgrade us to first class, and it ruined her. And now she's a spoiled little fat diaper bitch who keeps asking me to handle this device. Okay. It's like 2K round trip to go to Japan with me, your friend, I thought. Now business partner. It's been complicated.

It's a ton of money. It's not that much money megan just bought a failing business just kidding just i'm joking i'm joking yeah dude that blew my mind i told emily and she went jesus christ why doesn't it have to make 500 bucks a day to sustain christ why doesn't it have to make 500 bucks a day to sustain uh yeah which is totally doable is that yeah okay all right it just seems like a lot for a coffee shop that caters to a community of 40 people there's a lot of people that want to do drugs in the bathroom or take a shower in the sink and they have to buy they have to buy

something that's a dollar sticker that's a two dollar pack of gum and that's that adds up pretty quick it does it yeah if you guys just cater directly to hobos that's pretty sick well not directly multiple streams man drifters dropouts vagabonds crow all of them whoa well look who decided to swing by the office oh yeah i watched funny people last night and dude did you i almost did as well yeah i did too on netflix yeah and skinny seth rogan kept making me think of becker wow yeah it was funny like the way that he like he's like you know very um like excitable and like stoked you know obviously he gets this opportunity out of nowhere and he's all like happy about it so he's always like smiling and kind of just like upbeat and it made me think of becker and i was like i miss my beck I miss my Beck man. Becker's also fallen ass backwards into a hell of an opportunity.

Wow. Watching you go to sleep. Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty great. I love it. I bet you do. He holds the microphone with two hands the whole time, which annoyed me. That's how he did it when he was a kid, though.

Did he? Becker doesn't even use a microphone on his podcast. He's pulling a Josh Blue. That's good i'm coming in on my 10 just because i wanted to be a part of this because i miss doing it because you guys have been becker we miss you too is the tattoo still on or did you scrub it off in the night i haven't gotten it removed yet whoa oh nice did you peel off the sticker nope why is yours yours is all clean it looked good yeah mine has a bunch of worms coming out of it i don't know i was i'm like still kind of manic i'm gonna go see somebody about some head pills next week oh nice all right well hey becker i uh

i just had something airdropped to your house by Lund's army of crows. I dropped off a device at your house. Nice. I was wondering if you could pick it up and handle it. What is it? You'll find out here. Actually, I'll pass mine through the camera to you. Here. Ready?

Becker, it's a bit. You're not... It's not actually outside. I heard a noise earlier. I thought Lund actually ran something to my house. Lund hasn't run anything ever. It's not actually outside. I heard a noise earlier. I thought Lund actually ran something to my house. Lund hasn't run anything ever. It's possible. It's possible.

It's more possible that an army of crows drop the chode detector off at your house. It's a chode detector? Yeah, yeah. No, pick it up. It's a cool guy detector. Yeah. If it goes off, it lets everyone know that you're a rude dude with a crude attitude nice yeah becker this is this episode has been heavily influenced by the advent of the chode detector awesome yeah it's just it's a simple device it looks like a lighter maybe

like actually do you have a lighter there so give it a flick beep beep beep beep chose detected oh crap becker what a bad way for everyone to find out that you're not rocking a sick piece i bet your penis looks a lot like your head a lot of hair on the sides yes and then it's like three strands coming directly out of the tip. So Becker, Lund was just telling me whether or not he is going to come to Japan. So we're going to do the big reveal right now. Lund, are you in or are you out? I don't know. Jesus Christ. What is it with you guys?

No one can commit to going on a cool trip with me. Smooth Daddy T, lord of the ramen bowl you love food you guys are such food wads but yet you won't go to food mecca you won't go to yum yum paradise where all the chicks are four foot two is it 2k a piece or 2k per person that's i know i said the same thing i was pulling up a calendar at the same time is it 2k a piece or is it a thousand a person it's 2k a piece round trip 2k a j-pup yeah okay also how could you go you just started working i already have like a month of vacation i on this month yeah in fact becker you've been working so much why don't you pay for lun to go as well i i have to figure out if i can pay for myself and

swing all my bills but as long as that works think about us over there just terrorizing tokyo shirts off i want to go so bad handing out show detectors left and right are you doing the world alive with ringing noises i'm doing shows you could open for me in japan lund so it makes some money no okay i wouldn't pay you or anything you get the opportunity to open for me in japan how many shows three so a thousand a show so i would yes I'll pay you a thousand yen a show. You got a deal. No, no, no.

Too late. No, I didn't shake. Yes, but the crows just came and held up a thumbs up outside my window. Damn, I just don't know why I got to fucking twist your guys's nipples to come to Japan. I'm ready to go. I'm not supposed to have fun. Yeah, I know. You're like, I love being married bobby could never be married marriage rocks and now you can't go to cool guy tokyo with me and becker your two best friends on earth it's not that i can't it's just sounds like you can't

sounds like you're being a real wet handful of shit oh becker's in his business office now or maybe he's on the toilet i can't tell i'm in my i'm in my comfy chair oh nice the dab chamber yeah so becker you've been driven into some kind of bout of insanity due to your tattoo i don't i don't think it was the tattoo i think the tattoo just like spiked chemicals in my brain where now I can't come down. I've been having a panic attack since an hour after the tattoo. I just have not calmed down at all.

I thought that was a fun car ride home with Carlos. I bet he liked that. It was all right. You kept trying to open the door. I held it together. But no, I just can't keep food down kind of bad well you know what'll probably help you with your anxiety is smoking a bunch of dab hits that always helped me calm down it helps me i don't i'm broken different than you yeah you are

yeah we have different fractures in our psyche well here's the thing becker if becker went to japan he couldn't have weed for a week i'm kind of excited by that yeah you'd have to if you get busted smoking weed over there the emperor hands you a device and they turn you into a show if you already have a show then they cut it off actually pretty easy. It's not as easy as it sounds to create a chode because you have to widen it as well. And that's tough. Just chopping it off with your samurai sword. Anyone can do that.

Yeah. They have to smush it. You know what they do? That's why they eat those pancakes that are this thick. Because they use the same technology in your chode to make your peen expand we can have those pancakes all day also i just found out about a competitive noodle eating restaurant in tokyo whoa it's 10 bucks for 40 minutes all the noodles you can cram is it good like what are the reviews like? Everyone says, I got really sick afterward. I ate 130 bowls of noodles.

Why did I do this? Okay. Yeah. Fun. I like this. I'd be down for that. That'd be a good way to get tired without weed. That's right.

And also, they have THCA over there. You can take dab hits. They also have medicinal weed now. Ooh. It started between your last trip and now, I believe. Or it started between your last trip and now i believe or it started like during your last trip at the end oh my god we can be stoned in tokyo that would be no jokio brokio i know i'm also cool with being sober there also well i'm not gonna be sober i'm gonna be drinking a bunch of acai super dries you know a fun thing you can do over there is you can

do any accent you want and people don't know better. So you can just walk around doing black guy accent and no one's mad at you. Or as I call it, jelly roll accent. The perfect crime. Hey, y'all's me jelly roll

motherfuckers. People would think I'm jelly roll. We just bust out the sharpie every day and do your face yeah he's all tatted up lund we can also go see a sumo show or we can go see a wrestling show that would be sick think about how much fun you would have at a japanese wrestling show oh yeah you weren't allowed when you were over there with your wife no i wasn't she said it was for birds yeah fuck uh i gotta figure that out okay well why don't you think about that and i'll tell you about a funny little story that happened up here please emmy has befriended two little people okay and i don't mean just like your your your beautiful

sweet innocent sister kim i mean legally small we used to have a term for it and it was adorable but they're little guys yeah like real little like tinies not smushos just like you know real little like tinies not smushos just like you know they're god's jesters as we call them in the community there is a difference yes smusho is so anyway there's two little people and she wants to throw a dinner party over here for all of her co-workers but she's worried that our dining room table that the stools are too high and that their feet are going to fall asleep from dangling while we're like sitting around the table so she told me to talk to toby and ask him to make miniature stools but then how would they be tall enough for the table exactly so she's a doctor i know she is but bobby's a lawyer so everything's been thrown out the window

up is down yeah so i told her i was like well if we get miniature stools though then they're just going to be a pair of eyebrows right above the line of the level of the table so now she wants toby to make a miniature table so she's gonna give them a kid's table she's gonna hit them with the yeah the separate but equal kids table so we'll have a little table and we'll sit on the ground and they'll be on small stools oh you'll be on the ground the table style your table is not in use so she wants to have a whole new setup as if and also when these people show up they're gonna be like oh so this is just how you usually do this you just have two small little chairs and then you guys sit on the ground yeah i feel like they're prepared for normal

seating i think that they're used to sitting in normal chairs. That's what I mean. Yes. One of them is a doctor. The other one manages a hollow out tree. King of the crows. What kind of doctor? Hey, Toby, can you do me a favor on the arm? You whip up a tiny table. We've got these tinies coming over.

We've got these little guys coming over and i don't want them to feel left out so you gotta hide you gotta hide your dining room table yeah we have to like throw a blanket over it that's not gonna that doesn't hide it well i was like what if we fed him in the bathtub what if we just filled the tub with slop and said this is your guys's room or better yet top of the toilet if they're very small and these little guys in the top of the toilet what are they doing in there floating around we're gonna look like idiots toby i need a table i need a novelty size table i'm really tickled by the idea of waking up in the hospital and a little person in a lab coat

running around me the little person uses a scooter waking up in the hospital and a little person in a lab coat running around me. The little person uses a scooter to get around the hospital. Little doctor. Little house. Hey, casita, that's what they call them, these little house. Before you come in, I need you to handle this device.

house uh before you come in i need you to handle this device so i told her that she's insane and we're gonna get in trouble and they just have to eat at a normal table also normal you know how much how difficult it's gonna be for me to not blow it and to keep a straight face no matter what size the table is yeah i got two of them in my house using my forks and knives using my toilet using my bidet they better not use the bidet yeah because they're gonna get stuck to the ceiling they're gonna get blasted yes they're gonna ride the wave i'm gonna have to make them wear bells around their neck like cows in case they get in the pipes so we can find them one of them's just on his on his back in my wife's underwear drawer like a turtle help let me out help it reeks in here i didn't know i was in the dirty drawer what are we allowed to do that voice still what guy who has smaller vocal cords yeah

okay i was just asking i can do big vocal cord guy too this is all right in japan maybe there's a normal voice what if in japan i did high pitch eric the whole time oh guys i ate too many noodles i gotta get back to the hotel before i goosh all right i gotta go back all right it's a wrap on becker bye bye the best producer in the game jake becker everybody part-time dad jake becker so now that becker's gone let's talk about it you me japanese hotel room not sharing a big old bed. Becker, I heard they're on the ground like a dog. Somebody just said that the Royce said that the beds were too small for him and were the same height.

You and Royce are the same height. Close. I don't think you're five, six. I don't think he's taller than me. I think we're both five, ten and three quarters. Yeah. You're 5'6"? I don't think he's taller than me. I think we're both 5'10 and 3 quarters. Yeah, but if there was a human body chode detector, his would not alarm, but yours would, because you're a human chode body.

God, he's ripped. And he shaved his head, which was the right move. I know. Yep. I'm still hanging on. I've been shaving every day. Your face or your... No, the pubes are still unruly

pubes still look like your chin well i was thinking if you shaved up here did i shave my forehead yeah no no one does that except for black guys i thought maybe you were just doing the jelly roll voice i thought maybe you were appropriating the culture and taking a little off the top of hillbilly culture because that's what that's what jelly roll is you're shaving every day oh yeah i meant to say uh i'm using the manscape ball shaver on my face and it's great you've got the uh your facial hair grows a lot more quickly than mine because when we first got to ensenada you shaved into uh chops and i shaved my cheeks and after like five days you had like quite a bit of growth and i had just a tiny little bit of nothing oh yeah dude this shit so i told

emmy i'm shaving every day if you notice i got rid of my sideburns and my chops and now i must say good i was looking at the fucking mirror last night the comedy for it i'm a real hot piece of ass like i'm a handsome guy i was standing next to alec flynn and i was like who's the pig and i shoved him out of the mirror yeah gross yeah i look good look at this face i know i kind of look like i'm in black and white due to the sun beating down upon me but the oh yeah you had your you took your glasses off when we were waiting for the elevator at the hotel and uh i yeah i noticed that you were more striking and it doesn't make sense because it's not like the glasses hide your eyes but it does something i guess i mean when i put him back

on it makes my eyes look weird what's going on makes your voice weird too yeah crazy i got a tiny guy in my house and i can't find him but now oh hey what's up geez smoke show who wants to have sex with me willingly oh everybody no problem but before you jam me please handle this device i want to be snug in there i want to waste my time with some jode no jodes only i have a tattoo above my butthole that says jodes only you know what would have uh really made the tested the the longevity the battery life of a show detector was the charity basketball game that we were a part of on sunday good god i've been thinking about it and tell me well so you want everybody to be involved let's have fun

we're raising money we're trying to cure cancer or whatever. And you have a basketball game with a bunch of comics. Now, people want to be involved. It's networking. It's fun. But I used to be competitive with everything, like annoyingly competitive, like freak out, whatever. Yeah, you were banned from all the candy crush servers for saying the n-word too much so uh i get being competitive but when the result is what happened sunday it's just it

was awkward it was weird yeah and it made me think of solutions and then i was and then but then you're over a final solution yeah that way this is going we need to have separate but equal charity basketball games and they're not equal in talent but no just uh i don't know just you had some real awkward clumsy fucks going up against like former d1 athletes and it was crazy yeah you had pat richardson out there with his shrek shirt tucked into a pair of my shorts oh no yeah your shorts my shorts i don't know how he got he's like they were in my bag no they weren't you my suitcase was in your car and you went out there at halftime and you dug around in my suitcase you rummaged about like a pig trying to find morel mushrooms and you found a pair of my shorts and you put them on your weird body also pat i don't even need you to

hold this device because the shorts are so tight i'll ring the alarm right here so so you had pat out there versus that white chocolate guy who played three years at dayton d1 basketball and i looked up his stats he was a fucking starter at dayton damn yeah so you have pat the human egg running around humpty dumpty style versus a guy who you know could play young bird man in the biopic oh did you know that vanderplug was doing bird man no we had that realization holding hands you were next time yeah that sucked i felt like an idiot yes but that game was here let's just so explain the game from top to bottom uh we did a charity basketball game a few years ago this was the second one raising money for

saint jude uh and so there were four teams of comedians uh the the captains picked the teams that's another thing i think there should maybe be like a lottery draft so that there's not this like ridiculous inequality in skill level but yeah there were four teams of comics uh that played basketball it was a it was a wild time some people teams had a shot two of the teams looked like they were benefiting from the saint jews cancer money they looked like they should have a tiny table made for them because right yeah that was a blood bath yeah and so it was a why and so then we're in basketball social house which is it's a series of basketball courts one big detector yeah there was a show detector on the way in half of the people weren't allowed inside yes so they were out there smoking and it was cacophonous because you

had a sound system that was just blaring music there was a sound guy who really wanted to be the star of the fucking show yeah and a woman who had learned the scoreboard right before everything started so she was having a panic attack the whole time yes who knows what the actual scores of those games were but you had uh two women that joined jacob rup and noah reynolds on the microphone for the first two games who was sound effects and music being played by sound guy behind them and you couldn't hear a word that anyone said you couldn't in the corners where we where we were at first yeah you couldn't you couldn't hear anything and but that wasn't the case everywhere okay elliot broder said several

times this guy's a professional sound guy and i was like okay well he could turn everything down and stop hitting the button that says boom shakalaka and the other one that says airball because he was getting his shit in i yeah he well and i already got signed he got signed to a morning zoo crew after that afternoon so yeah he's good on the road with and one now but yeah it was a lot and especially after like we did a show in manitou thursday two lucha libre and laughs we did plus the content farm we did so much pod content content tattoos at from 9 to 11 30 in the morning uh-huh uh it was uh i was just like over completely wiped yeah and then it's just a bunch of bad basketball luckily uh you know a lot of friends it was nice to see a lot of people there that i hadn't seen uh in a while whatever you kind of got to do a victory lap they're like oh shit that's big dog lawn yeah i got a lot of slaps on the hiney yeah and a lot of attaboys but yeah i just thought god some of these people should have said i will make a donation to saint jude i will uh you know get

into my lab in the basement and try to cure cancer i will not i gracefully respectfully will not play basketball yeah i won't get i won't go out there and just get totally fucked hosed by a bunch of athletes yeah there was a phd wearing a backwards hat it's like she needs to get out of there she's gonna get broken in half there were a couple of people that i don't think could have picked a basketball out of a lineup of balls and and sports equipment there was a couple people that were would have been mistaken for basketball they would have they would have picked up a football helmet and said all right boys first to 21 yeah i tried to dribble the basketball they're like oh i don't have very good handles mitch jones falling down was incredible it ruled it was early on in

the afternoon and nothing compared well elin stripling dunking ruled and mitch jones falling down were like the two highlights yeah but not in that order mitch jones falling down was like sports center top 10 number one elin dunking would have been like you know maybe number eight it was pretty sick he did elevate it was cool though yeah because i had no idea he likes to fish he does comedy i didn't know that he balled nothing made you think that he might be able to slam dunk no he's nothing about him he it wasn't a giveaway there? That's not how it works. Not every black person is good at basketball.

Okay. Okay. I mean, David Borey can slam dunk 360. I thought it was funny. Dude, Mitch fell in the classic giant fat guy way. For no reason other than he was trying to run. Yeah, he like turned around real quick. There was a transition and he started to run and he got like three steps and every one of them was just closer and closer to the edge. And then he fell directly on his face with his hands.

His wrists hit the ground first which means he did not break his fall his wrists were at his side and it was like watching a seal slide into home base it was awesome yeah it landed like it was like watching a plane land it was perfect it was my sister described it as squishing into the ground. He didn't fall. He just squished into the ground. They're going to have to repair the basketball court before kids are allowed on it. Yeah, all the money that we raised is going to fix that divot that he put in the tarmac.

And also, that really brought everyone together. People from all the different socioeconomic circles and different tiers of success in stand-up were able to watch Mitch Jones biff his squiff. I fell down. I was rocked. Yeah, it was awesome. It did bring us together briefly, but then we went back to some of these guys are acting like they get jfl in 2000 if they do a good job here that dude from dayton was doing the too small and it's like yes they're too small there's two small tiny women that you are manhandling every time they get the

ball instead of letting them shoot an air ball and then you know continuing with your domination like it was yeah you're six seven did you notice just the the assaults that were happening in the paint like you have people who are so eager to swat the shit out of the ball and some uncoordinated people that are just throwing their bodies towards the person attempting to shoot a layup. Yeah, it was like Guigos versus Alphas. It was crazy. And I think there's a better way, but I'm not going to be the one to make those changes. No, there should be like a competitive tournament and a fun tournament.

Like, I don't know. There's a better way than just, God, somebody in flip flops and a shirt that's like barely hanging on, you know, because they've had it since they were in seventh grade. Yeah, versus Jeff Tice, who went to CU Boulder on a full ride scholarship. I don't think he was able to dunk. He could dunk. He just didn't need to. He had nothing to prove. Everyone knows that Tice is the man when it comes to basketball and making posters.

Comedy, not so much. Being a dad, jury's still out. Yeah, yeah. Being secretly Australian, he excels. But yeah, dude, that was brutal. Then we were just standing there the whole time being like well no one can hear the commentary and also you have a three-hour drive ahead of you i have an hour and a half drive ahead of me and there's just two yeah the nuggets game

was going to be on there's two random women also doing commentary it was just a total cluster of fucks but luckily we went over there and those we said the women had to leave or else we were gonna walk now they left on their own which was cool no i told elliot to get him out of there did you yeah i was like broder make him beat it this sucks i was like we're wasting our time and he was like oh no it's good woman yeah so i scrambled him out of there i said beat it chicks the wads are in town thank god yeah then we said a bunch of mean things about people who look up to us well and also i i know and i hope that some of the newer comics realize like of course we would

have looked like mitch jones out there we wouldn't have looked like stribling so it's not like we were oh i know because the last time there was the charity basketball games i sucked i was like one for six eventually i realized feed it to strobel for a layup because you're blowing it yeah you were like patrick i was kind of like patrick i was kind of like kobos yeah meanwhile i was good were you i was like the white brand tobler they kept calling me everyone tobler almost ripped that woman's arm out of socket i don't know what happened there i do he tried to break her in half he looked at his hand afterwards like they got tangled and it's like yeah i don't think that's what happened it's the devin sawa defense idle hands

yeah that was uh yeah i don't think i ever watched it i used to whack it to it there's that scene where like the lady's getting banged in the graveyard and the hand starts honking her boob and i was like god to be that hand no peen attached no body just a hand out in the world honking no one can really be too mad because the hand doesn't know any better doesn't have eyes yeah it doesn't have morals i'm gonna look that up let's see the scene yeah i'll screen share with you after the pod i did a corporate event for dutch brothers coffee on monday where at the lyric cinema up here in fort collins okay it was jeff tice alec flynn david rodriguez and they needed some star power so i get a call at the fucking zero hour from rodriguez being like can you come down to the lyric it's six minutes from your house

you can headline i'll give you a nice lump of money i was like it's a corporate hell yeah so i started googling dutch brothers wikipedia figured out some grants past oregon they lost 19 million dollars last year so i go in with a bunch of fucking fun facts i get there it's not for the upper brass of dutch brothers coffee it is for the employees of Dutch Brothers Coffee in Northern Colorado. So it's a bunch of 15 to 22 year olds. I wore one of my cool seven strong shirts because I was like, it's a corporate event. I'll dress up. So I show up there and now I look like I'm trying to be cool in front of children. There's not a worse demographic to look like you're trying in front of than non-binary

19 year olds. They're so vicious they eat you alive so how it works is outside they had a band play which was made of dutch brothers employees so everyone loves it they're playing all the hits out there they're like fuck taylor swift we don't want your hate speech so i'm crossing out jokes left and right rodriguez goes on first he does fine you know there's a bunch of begrudging children in this room then flynn goes on and we're supposed to be pg-13 well alec flynn goes up there batting his lashes smiling his beautiful smile full of his shark teeth and just starts saying you know what

the fucking best part of jerking off is he just blows it right away me and tice are sitting at separate tables as soon as he says the first fuck me and tice look at each other like hands up in the air it's good so now we're just watching flynn because flynn goes up and he's like i wish this was for dunkin donuts that's a good fucking company and everyone's like boo yeah but we see him audibly he's visibly rocked up there that he's healing healing it up yeah he was trying to fucking neg them and they're like we don't want to be here but there's one thing we do love besides transgender rights it is dutch brothers coffee we're all company people yeah so he's up there he eats his ass um actually he ate his ass early but then he brought it around

and they loved him at the end yeah because he was just like a real easy to look at he's their age you know he's talking about being a teacher they're all like you can teach me daddy yeah he gets them with his charms and also he's swearing he's saying fuck he's saying shit he's saying but he's saying hooters they love him and then they bring me up there i'm in my cool guy shirt what about tice tice went up at like 5 30 before the band oh okay tyson he was like a veteran at this point you know he was like a fucking vietnam vet at the iraq war memorial shaking like i know these horrors i know them better than you so i go up and my opener is dutch brothers

coffee i was so excited to get offered this gig because i always wanted to do a corporate for a black owned business yeah that hinges on the dutch brothers you know okay so i say that and from the hr table i just hear a woman go no no no my god the emails so i started laughing really hard even though the joke didn't hit because i just hear this wearing a bow tie go no no so that was worth the whole price of admission for me and then you know i'd be paid to get in yeah i had to pay to come in there i donated to saint jude i paid to get in did you yeah sammy said something about uh that the players i think i asked how much money might have been raised and he said the players were supposed to donate and so if all of the probably not right they're like oh i didn't

know i spent all this money on this hat that i wore backwards so i could fit in there were a bunch of people who looked like they were extras in Hey Arnold on the court. It was great. You said that during the game and it ruled. Dude, remember how red Kelsey was? Oh, yeah. Kelsey was great. Kelsey was like the fucking Browns logo orange out there.

She made a basket and did. Cobos did not. Patrick did not. Patrick made one free throw. Oh. Kobos did not. Patrick did not. Patrick made one free throw. It was a fun weekend. And all that content is coming to our Patreon. Patreon.com slash Chubby Behemoth. The videos are going to be uploaded

this week. We're going to have videos every week for you guys. Patrick's coming with me. Lun's coming to Japan. That'll be fucking great content um and if you want to ensure that we can eat as many noodles as possible in japan please join the patreon it's five bucks a month it's a lot of fun 20 bucks if you want mail based from our uh merch lady liz leslie she's great join up it's really it's five bucks a week and we're fucking killing it yeah five bucks a month excuse me uh what are you gonna do you know not join up be a total wad

come on i gotta get a bunch of fucking tiny chairs made over here all right those aren't free so please join the patreon where we have a nice time all right here's lun's dates everybody well the big one is i'll be in eureka california at the savage henry comedy club july 14th and 15th so if you're anywhere in the area if you're in the mountains trying to hide from what you did trying to run as far as you can after that hit and run. I'll be up there middle of July. I think it's one show each night. So come on through.

And is that a robot meets baby production? No, it's a shut up. You chode joint. If this comes out tonight, I'll be in Washington, DC tomorrow, June 8th, Baltimore.

Second show added on June 9th, the 10th of June. I'll be at soul. Joel's in Pottstown, Pennsylvania, Pittsburgh, June 11th. This Sunday,

next week, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, the laughing tap fourth show added there, the 16th and 17th uh come see us in houston me and lund will be back together in houston at the secret group on the 23rd of june fort worth texas dallas arlington fucking metroplex come out to hyenas you guys have been begging me to come to dallas we're coming to dallas the brea improv not yet canceled on the 6th of july 11 tickets moved in that 550 person room

that's great san diego at mic drop waukesha wisconsin the 13th detroit michigan tokyo japan australia i'm gonna shit my pants we have to we have to do the head the nice button