Chubby Behemoth - Stroke Me

Episode Date: August 2, 2025

SEE THE BOYS LIVE - https://www.samtallent.com/   SPONSOR: Cash App - Download Cash App Today: https://capl.onelink.me/vFut/g0yurtz9 #CashAppPod. As a Cash App partner, I may earn a commission when you sign up for a Cash App account. Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App’s bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. Visit https://www.cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures.   PATREON EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   This week the boys are all together in SLC. Sam teaches the boys about complimenting eyebrows, is afraid he’s turning his niece into a pro wrestler, and proposes his new glass cube performance idea. Nathan doesn’t need another hero to be taken down, remembers Sam’s weird kiss, and can’t imagine wearing that poncho in public.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Mutiny Coffee: [e-mail]

That's your granddaddy's curse. It's the worst heirloom in the world. You inherited it. No, that's not true. Because when your great, great, great, great grandpapa was out in a field, he got lost in a big old pile of mud. And when he went under in order to survive he had to eat his own dick and that genealogical trauma was passed on to you in the form of your little

tiny cock is that the lid of a chapstick or are you just the unluckiest guy in the world is that a rabbit's nose or is that your hose? Oh man, that lady's boobs. They were nuts. Becker, they were not nuts. They were breasts. I know, but they were, it was defying all logic. It was the most insanely on display pair that I've ever seen in my twenty years of caring in

song and dance. Yeah, I've been caring about Hooters, you know, for a long time. Yeah, but when you were a little kid, you wouldn't rank who had them out the hardest. Well, I'm just saying, like, since I've been going on stage, yeah, I've never seen such a flagrant duo. Yeah, kind of, but we'll see. Oh, cool. What's the name of that? What's the name of Andrew Schultz's pod singing crazy? That was that was a real flagrant, too That was Prakash and Andrew That guy's named Prakash. I don't know a kosh a kosh. Yeah. Yep Mark gang neon Prakash Hossali was our marks the long-haired hippie guy. Mm-hmm. Yeah, he was our Why don't we just list on Denver and now he does all those?

Christian Conspiracy videos. Well, hey, I'll list a group of names and you tell me what podcast it is That's the whole episode. Okay. All right All right. Here we go. Christa Stefano and Janis Papas. History hyenas. Very good. Okay. Nice. We're cooking. All right. Travis Irvine and Ben Kissel. Abraham Lincoln's top hat. Whoa! Lund from across the court calling his own shots. I almost said the last podcast guys. No. No, how about this one? Sam talent

Let me be balding Jordan door will freight. Oh, yeah. Oh, wow. It's still going buzzer. I know it is no it's it is it is And I'm does it Jordan and Roger and balding. I'll bet it's great. It's pretty good. It's probably really good. I mean, those guys are all funny. I'm still in the messages. I'm still in the werewolf radar Facebook.

So whenever I go look at those, it's always just chaos. Yeah. It's never once, when is Sam gonna be back? Remember when Sam was in this? When you had that cash cow back in 2010 Balding was such a funny guy to watch. I'm sure we talked about him long ago, but he was true like When Pat and I talked about seeing dr. Pepper

Yeah, and how he was a real outsider Balding was just shy of that It he really did seem like he when he kind of did disappear into the woods. Yeah, he literally did Yeah He really did seem like he, well, and he kind of did disappear into the woods. Yeah, he literally did. Yeah. Yeah. He had a bunch of great stuff and then it was like, is he going to figure it out or is he going to go to prison? His sister had a bunch of great stuff too. Loved balding.

Balding had several jokes that I wanted badly. Yeah. If I were a piece of shit, I would add two things I wanted really badly. Well, it's true. Remember. Oh, you don't remember. Oh, she was hot. Oh my God. Very hot. Your bar was on. I don't know. Probably underneath somebody. You're probably busy getting out. Yeah, some lady was sitting on your face and rubbing it around. Shapiro situation. Some lady had her full butt on your face and was farting. It's what was going on Meanwhile, I was perusing the scoos. I was ready to a booze

I'll bet you would have been amused stop Rose. Halkeus Chris de Stefano They're filling in for two bears one cave good being kept abreast abreast of the goings-on. Well, I was joke world I watched one of the Mean videos that showed that and said how they were very funny Christie is he's my number one 180 in comedy. I Hated that guy. I thought he was a total prick. I thought he was some greased up, you know Woppa da ba dooba, you know, some pretty boy who fucking, you know, was on Wild and Out or something. I knew nothing about him.

And I hosted for him at Comedy Works and I think it was his friend's bachelor party weekend. So he was like very distracted and not like necessarily warm. Yeah. And I was like, fuck this guy. I'm going to try and bury him. You know, I did fine. He crushed of course. And then when I met him since then, he's nothing but the nicest guy. He's like a really cool guy who was just distracted. And I was like, oh yeah? You're not gonna watch baby dance?

Fuck you forever. You fucking guineasling, you know, meatball. He has a real self-sabotage thing going on. It's none of our business. We're not here to do it. He he has a real self sabotage thing going on. So of our business, we're not he talks about it openly. It's not like I have a theory on him. I'm not busy listening to other men not as cast yeah, but what are you talking about with anything or with one thing, selling the house, quitting the tv show like he he repeatedly like gets good things and then like gets in his head and he's like, I should, I should do something totally different.

And then we'll immediately regret it. I saw a clip of him one time talking about, it was like, Hey, I'm doing Madison square garden. All right. The next weekend I'm at the Milwaukee improv. Yeah. It is half sold. I'm doing Madison square garden once and then it's all over, you know? So I thought that the Milwaukee Improv. Yeah. It is half sold. I'm doing Madison Square Garden once and then it's all over you know so I thought that was

very endearing. Yeah. Very humanizing. He just did what Jimmy Kim hosted for Jimmy Kimmel for a week. Yeah. Or a few days or something. Yep. That's cool. Hey give the kid the push. Late night. I'm gonna get a show on Animal Planet. Did you know that? No. Yeah. Dumpster boys. No, no, that was going to be on true TV. Just be Dr. Kev exploring your body. We could have been in a lot of ways. I'm going to say is this is this weekend at wise guys here in beautiful Salt Lake City. It's a whole complex. There's two headliners in that building and one of us, I'm going to be diplomatic. One of us lined recently outed for texting a 16 year old girl. All right, not going to say which one of us it is. Just going

to say it was a very impractical joke. That's all I'm going to say. They were, they were coached from cell volcano friends in another room in the bus being like ask as to see her boobs has to see her boobs or you have to eat a dog turd. He's like alright fine, fine, fine, whatever. So do you want to meet up there in the van like yeah at the end of lethal weapon to diplomatic immunity. Yeah.

Impractical, impractical immunity. It is, I mean, an insanely impractical joke, really. It might be the best, their best work ever. I thought the Joe Gatto thing was good, but this, this is rich baby. What's the Joe Gatto thing? Oh, I think he was cheating with an adult woman who was an assistant. Allegedly. I have no idea. Oh, I know is that more look we're on team mer here

All right, fuck up. I'm just saying I didn't know anything about anything until tonight the dig for it They really suppressed this story. I don't I don't want to know. Yeah, I'm still getting over my Allegation Jesse Lacey from brand brand new texting sixteen year olds. That still hurts so well in his defense. I don't she was really hot. I don't need another hero to be taken down first David Bowie then when you don't even want to hear the frankincense allegations. Kelly, I'm done. No mer man frankincense and mer right now. I got it. I understood okay last time this time I run that already. Yes, yeah you did. Oh, you think

you heard the term mer and didn't say you. I stood up and spun around Google camels near me and then you're like Frank Al Franken since we're gonna get yelled at the the people over here maybe would have shot us if we would have wouldn't if we would have taken us ten more seconds to get in that front door I saw the shadow in the glass door they were they were looking really yeah they were right there. They were looking. Now they're listening. I was hoping it was that cool groovy chick from earlier who I gave our parking spot to. Oh, what a nightmare to walk in on. We have already, we've already gotten in here and it's annoying and weird and we go across the street to get coffee

and then come back and eight people are trying to check in dance moms or something. So we, well, Becker was smoking anyway, but it's like, we're in that. Yeah. We cut a fucking, we cut a specific picture and it's the opposite of dance standing dads. It's sit dads, not even dads. It's sit boyfriends. But yeah, I just thought, all right, we're going to hang back. Becker's going to pull on this stogie. Yeah, it's hot. And we can let these people park this human. There's six suitcases.

They're going to be here, I'm sure, for two and a half days. They have so many bags and suitcases. There's one elevator. Let's let's leave them be. No, they need they needed our help. You were like how can I help ladies? Of course I'm only hanging out with women now I'm so helpful to women. Oh yeah you couldn't stop complimenting people's eyebrows. That's the new thing man women really

appreciate when you compliment their eyebrows they put a lot of work in and it goes unknown because we're all ogling their huge cans. They get threaded. They're just they get shredded those those guys those those fucking bald men Were a real pair like a real American pair, and I don't know how they stayed in 98% of the breast was out There was the only only the pointy areas were not on display And I think that the nipples were the actual like damn Against all of the titty meat spilling out the top of the dress

Well, and how tough are these nipples but there's tapes. Yeah, and there's a safety she blew it out Blew it out Well, it would have been cool if she would have wanted to talk to me But I'm like 99% of the people at the shows tonight, they didn't see me, they didn't hear me. No, a lot of people were very nice, but it's so funny. I told Becker, it's so funny when he and tonight he and I are looking at these people who aren't saying anything to us.

They're just standing there looking at you as you talk to the people in front of them oh yeah and it is a fucking it's a hell of a move to just be like gap mouth Billy Bass just looking into a mirror on you're also a mirror and then you hope oh surely they're figuring out like what to say to you real quick or or that they do want a picture, but no, they're just like, Oh, this is fucking him. Whoa. This is crazy. Show him my wife's boobs. Whoa. He's 95 feet closer than he was for the last hour. Whoa, this is nuts, man. That's him from the, from YouTube and that

other thing. Mio probably. It's funny. And then the first people we saw, though, was that couple outside. They both had L names, didn't they? Lyle and Leo or Lana and the Delra. She tagged us the rocker. Yeah, they were out front. The the one said he they were taking a picture of Sam I think I think she I think that they were two ladies okay so none of our business well I couldn't remember what all information had been divulged but so yeah I think you're right she taking a picture of your like poster outside and then we walk up and she said that she was like, oh, there, there he is. And then like, as we walked in walked by after you said hello, she realized that we were behind you. And that was all cool. And we ended up talking to her quite a while because she was out there before the show was over.

Well, yeah. She had had enough of you. Yeah, yeah. She was uh, she had to go play a show tonight like 45 minutes away. Which is cool. Power move. I respect it. Letting us know. You know, but so anyway earlier there's these women and there's a bunch of little girls and it's a zoo. Oh, yeah trying to load in a bunch of fucking tiny goldfish snack cracker bags when there is so indica Just hit us up and said hey, do you guys want to party? Oh, yeah, we're all staying in the condominiums. Why not party? But also we're all married no funny business. So Yeah, we're probably out Becker. We're married. She's saying we're all married. No funny also. Yes So they're selling oh, she's saying we don't want to suck you. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Don't worry boys. We don't want to get blast. Yeah.

So we're out there and this woman frantically approaches. It's a she was wearing $2,000 shoes. You said, yeah, she was wearing some crazy Nike off whites. Yeah. Becker didn't notice she had a face She knows what how many fucking eyelets were in her shoes, you know, does she had a face over did. Yeah. So anyway They can't park this car because their spots too tight. So therefore hey, do you guys live here? No, we're just staying here Yeah, well, we can't park our car. We don't know what to do Well, I say hey 406 that's where we're staying park it right there take you got that spot. We don't park our car, we don't know what to do. Well, I say, hey, 406, that's where we're staying, park it right there.

Take it. You got that spot, we don't have a car, it's all yours. She's like, oh my God, thank you, that's so nice, blah, blah, blah, nice human exchange. No skin off my back. She says, I said, are you guys here for like a bachelorette party, is it a wedding? And she said, no, it's a big dance competition.

Yeah. It's a bunch of little girls dancing around. And I said, well, hey, I'll make sure we keep that guy away from him. Pointing to Becker and his hat. It was smoking and huge laugh. Oh, she loved it. Thankfully. Yeah. Yeah. Thankfully, it could have gone so.

I mean, it's Salt Lake City. I'm living on the edge. But that's like, that's me with my hand on the rail. That's like the the number one. don't go there. Oh yeah. For what? Nine out of 10 parents I would say is anything with especially from the three of us kid daddling up to no good. But you guys, what she say she's like that that one's for a specific audience and luckily I'm part of that on. Yeah. So then you guys walk up and you're like Jesus Christ what the fuck and I was like what she was hurt yeah she was cool she was hurt she was flagrantly

hurt she had big rock candy mountain on her lip and I was like yeah this joke all hit with her she's been you know road hard yeah she's been upside down and inside out she's been on all sides of the dance mom competition. Oh yeah. Life. She wants her daughter to win. And she'll honk on he scabbed up rod. She was cool.

Who knows how many freaking little kids and dance moms are all around us right now. Like the Predator, we can't see them, but they can see us. I I know and Becker all morning was just hanging on a lot of dance moms this morning I'm walking around. Yes the dance moms you clock you didn't do an impression of the dance moms in the hotel It was also trainers Yeah, you get exactly like I was nuts for saying it was like a gymnastic hot kids over there He said it was a bunch of juicy bouncers. That's the exact quote. Yeah, you said they were like muscle

Yeah, they were muscle children. Yeah, they were all funny Why I thought they were gymnasts and not dancers all these kids were walking around like they were gonna beat each other's asses It's like struts, right? Yeah, they all have to bring it because they have a train and I think professional dance trainer They're a lot of tells them to bring it. Yeah have a trained professional dance trainer that tells them to bring it. Yeah, and it's their whole life. So they're an incredible superhero like Marvel shape. That's what I'm scared of. Susanna, she's going to become a professional wrestler with their acrobats.

I told you about this, this fear I have. You're about to take her to wrestling. She's going to wrestling for the first time. What if she, what if it becomes her whole thing? thing dude she's already doing a bunch of cool she turns around no she's gigged herself she's bleeding wobbling around like Rick flair you know and you're like oh god she works you. I'm selling it on. Well, she works you because you genuinely are scared that she's bleeding. Oh, God. She's selling it, but it's stumbling.

My God, she's just a little girl. She's just a little angel. Reaching for you. She's God's perfect gift, and she's bleeding. She's wearing a veil of blood. My God, that's my niece. What am I going to do? I'm in charge.

Her mom and aunt are wasted she's busted wide open my god she doesn't even have all her teeth and she's bleeding profusely you came in with all of them I counted them that guy made an offer I said let's see how many extra she has good God in heaven whichever one she prays to please answer her call. Her doing the flair flop is very funny yes her just really nailing it like it's second nature for her to go face first comically while bleeding from the head she already like knows how she's good on the microphone already she she does all types of cool moves she's

hyper competitive and me and Hannah are both like oh fuck like all of her skills point to professional wrestler I don't want that for her there's only five years old a lot of live performance that she could end up choosing. Now where she can like tell someone to suck her dick. Fuck you! Throw him. Fuck you! Susu's here! Shut up!

A woman is talking! Shut the fuck up! Shut up! You fat fucks! You balloon hippo mutants! It's me! Susu the Palestinian pirate! Yarr! You balloon hippo mutant, it's me.

Sue Sue the Palestinian pirate. Yeah. They said that in the pot already. Tell you one Palestinian who's not starving Susanna. Oh yeah. She can't get enough lamb. Anyway. Oh, this was funny.

You said that crushed at a PBS crowd. Oh yeah. NPR crowd. NPR. Yeah. I did the NPR show. How did they not lynch you? Well, because now the the woke move is to be anti, you know, Izzy Stardust. Yes, but it seems very insensitive to joke about these actual starving children. Oh, it's a good way to like be like hey, hey, I know what's going on over there and guess what? I don't like it

Yes, what I got another one for you I didn't vote for it. No, I don't support it my don't condone it My money and I want it now, and I don't want it starving Palestinians I'll tell you one Palestinian you could skip a meal little Susanna Put down the labna and toast. All right, you haven't dumped in days. She said Sam does jokes about her in there mean That's what she said Mmm, so that bumps me up That's the only one that I celebrate up there. Show her your stuff. No Show me show her the early stuff and then the progression

Don't just show her toads morale and be like, oh this is kind of how I was At the start that was always been you sucked. I was always really good. No We all had jokes that were good and just time I did stand-up was the finals of the guy now cuz he cheated Cheated what? Yeah, I blew deacon Climb behind the pulpit Put five bucks from the donation and said three Hail Marys. I blew a dead guy. Are you happy? I just told, uh, who did I?

Oh, when I was hanging out with Brent and fucking Becker at his house on my birthday, I talked about how you kissed his forehead and we left and I made fun of you. Like what the fuck? I kissed my dead grandpa's forehead. I don't know dude. And you thought that was weirder and I was like, he was a dead body. You'll yeah, my grandfather. So even if anybody was like, he was a dead body. Yeah. My grandfather. So even if anybody was like, oh yeah, that's a little weird. Cause he's dead. He was my grandpa. You kissed our friend slash bosses alive for head, but he was gonna die. Like any second we were over there. Cause he was dying.

Yes. And you were like shit out of mine as well. Give for months. Might as well give you a little kid. There you go buddy. All right, not the first, but it might be the yeah. I put two coins on his eyes, send him across the river. He did not have his doc. I remember his doctor said he had like six months and it was like five weeks. Wasn't it? Yeah, you go over there real bad. Yeah, and he said he was like, I remember his doctor said he had like six months and it was like five weeks. Yeah. Wasn't it? Yeah.

Did you go over there? It was real bad. Yeah. And he said, he was like, I don't want this to fucking, he said six months of this would be the worst. Yeah. I'm out of here. He was so funny through the end.

Oh, he was incredibly funny. I remember we were over there one time when he was dying and he was like, well, check please. No, no. Someone knocked and he was like check, please. No, no someone knocked and he was like don't move and Then we were like what and he's like, it's Peter Cohen If I'm gonna drop dead It's not gonna be with Peter Cohen in the room. So we just like had to be quiet for a while as we waited for him to leave

Whoa. Hmm Nobody answered the door. No. Hmm. Yeah, it was me Nancy Roger. I Think that was it Yeah, that was pretty tough. Shout out Deacon. Yep. He's the real joke mentor Deak dog. Yep He never gave me any notes. So Deacon Grey was the guy at Comedy Works. He ran New Talent Night and he would give you notes afterward. I'm sure we've talked about him, but no, I don't think so. We've talked about him, but I don't think we've ever explained who he was.

Freakin' Deacon, about to have me some fun. That was a fun one. He had that black eyes joke. That was fun. Yeah the dog Mm-hmm his little niece named the dog black eye because he had a black spot on his eye But then yelling it at the park. Hey black guy. Hey Black guy Stop fighting black guy. Yeah drop it black guy. He had a lot of good stuff. Mm-hmm Anyway, he would give you notes got sick. He gave me a couple notes and then stopped. Yes Do you like me check? Yes or no? Kiss me on the forehead what's weird about kissing the guy you've known since you were at 19 18 years old in the for

Your surrogate there. I've known him since I started stand-up. He was like the one of the first guys I met. I would kiss John. I would kiss hippie man on the forehead too. I would kiss Cronberg on the forehead. They're the same age. I'm kissing Ben and hippie man right on the forehead and I'm saying good night Johnny. Yeah when somebody's time. If you're dying, guess what I'm putting on lipstick and you wet not let you. You will what you're gonna fight me off. You're fucking dying. I take you with me. No, you know, I instantly think of high be on a big. You're gonna be a pile of a of high be on a big, you're going to be a pile of a

barn we had built for you to diet. You're going to be laying out there. I'll be under the porch. I'll be under the porch. Yeah, I'll be a Gacy. Uh huh. And I'll give you a little kiss. You'll be like, you're going to be like when Barry Switzer waved to us. That's you fighting my kisses off. I'm kissing you wherever I want. No. Oh yeah, you're gonna hear...

I planes a few years ago at a legal piece. You were on mushrooms and you were kissing all the boys. And I said, get out of here. I'm not just a notch in your bedpost. Kissing all the boys. You're just lying in a joke. If you know, if you've hugged your friends for 10 years and then you get high yeah you're gonna start giving him a smooch it wasn't like a horny smooch he was like I love you so much I want

you inside my body I want you in me get over here press your wetness against me there's nothing gay about it just because, it's just that you have sex taught to you as just this important thing. And so you respect Deacon so much and you love him and you're going to miss him. And so it comes out in a sexual way. I don't know, dude. I thought it was a normal thing to do. No, it was not. I know you spend a lot of time at deathbeds.

You can be first to the medicine cabinet. A lot of people that graduated in 2000 like me are gone. We're dropping you know it's like Dr. Kev every few days I talk about who stepped on the rainbow because we're all so old we're all very old old 2000 heads no I'll be kissing your forehead bitch. No way. You're getting too thin. I'm going to be in a glass cube. Manjaro. I'm going to be the virus and you're going to come over. Manjaro is the pandemic, not the cure. I'm going to make you come visit me through glass.

Everyone else will be allowed in the cube with me. You'll be on the outside. You'd be like, because I'm hurt. Yeah. Cause you're gross. You're visibly gross. You're not going to be able to kiss me on the outside you'll be like because I'm hurt yeah you're visibly gross you're not gonna be like kiss me on the forehead with your wounds your inflamed sores yes give me a pox on my way to hell the one thing we never shared let me give you my curse. Uh, are we halfway through?

Oh god only knows. Just about. It's fucking 12.08. Whoa. It's about time. It's 27 minutes. Indica. Lay off. Lay off, mama. Lives in Elko, Nevada. That's cool.

Oh god. Yep. There's nothing going on in Elko. No. God. Ooh, that's tough. Those ladies, uh, the ladies can't really... I might have to abuse myself. Well, I told Becker that before I even clocked them,

I was just like, oh, this couple, she was, they were kind of all over each other, not all over each other. You said that she was jerking him off. She was practically blowing his ass. She was on him, like facing him sideways, you know, looking at the stage while like her body was like on him next to him, scratching his back and kissing his cheek, you know, just, I don't know.

It made me think she was like rolling or something. And I'm like, oh, that's annoying. Like I'm not going to say anything because I just want to do my set. And then like right before I got off stage, it was so late in my, my set. I was like, oh my God. Wait, what? No. Yes. And I told you that's what you said on stage. No. In my head, all of that. I was like above my body. Almost those are all four of the emotions you have.

Whoa. Holy shit. No way. No. Yeah. Holy F. Well, goodbye. Yeah, I was like almost done. I couldn't even and the classic thing where they're so out and then the dude's head is like right by them looking at me so like if I look. He's gleaning the cube. At all, he knows.

Exactly, cause I'm just shy of direct eye contact. So what, then he fights me, then it's my fault? I'm the jerk? Yeah, you have to go to jail cause you were just appreciating a woman being brave. I get in trouble Yeah, I mean I'm just glad that women feel empowered enough and safe enough to come to my shows with their tits viz They dump them out here I want to I want to you know all the ladies listening if you want to come and you want to lay them on the table

Sit right up front. I'll talk about them for 50 minutes. Hell. I know my job You know you put a ball in the tea. I'm gonna fucking smash it right up front I'll talk about him for 50 minutes hell I know my job you know you put a ball in the tee I'm gonna fucking smash it SLC plump they end up and they dump I'm gonna message her that at 3 a.m. thinking about you I slapped that guy on the butt after the meet and greet I said think about me later and slapped him on the guy the guy that was rugby guy no the guy with her yikes you guys to go home and drown in her bounty. He was cool?

She was the sea. Yeah, he's banging her. You don't think he's cool? No, no, no. He looked like a normal-ass dude who lucked out. He looked like a normal-ass dude who lucked out. Because his lady was just Jessica Rabbit style. Because his lady was just Jessica Rabbit style. Oh, I mean, Yamahama, it's Fright Night.

She was mumbo and jumbo. She was that Grigri. Just Jessica Rabbit style. Oh, I mean, Yamahama, it's Fright Night. She was mumbo and jumbo. She was that Grigri. That was that heavy voodoo. It would be nuts to see her nude on her back. I didn't touch her. Yeah, Jesus. Because they also were just like locked on you,

the superstar, King Shit. Yes, you got a reader up there. No. When, like I said, Becker was four feet away from her. She was right there. Becker doesn't really clock them very well. So in work mode, yeah, sure. And look, we have Becker on the road because we're investing in the pod. Becker is going to try and be at every weekend except for next weekend for some reason. Next weekend got scrubbed yeah yeah no that's Seattle would oh yeah next weekend is Irvine yes everybody

next weekend if you want if you're in like LA you're like oh I know LA this is LA angels bro come out to Irvine and see me in D-L. Disneyland, I don't know, I thought that was gonna sound harder. But yeah, come to those fuck, I don't know, shut up. Seattle got moved, sorry everybody. I have a cool thing I'm doing. And then-

Tell them. You're going out with Murr. Shut up. Co-spread liners. Emily gave you a hall pass in crayon. Whoa, let's do an ad re. Jeffrey Ross, another fucking, another alleged, another alleged friend of the pod. No, it's not.

Yeah, you love him. My pod. His head looks like a penis. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Looks like a digging ball. See, we're investing in the pod out of my pocket. We're bringing Becker along. So if you want to help negate those costs, please join the Patreon, patreon.com slash show me Behemoth. We're doing it in the middle. Yeah. We always forget. And then a guy literally didn't know we had one and that was disheartening when he passed away before he could join look if any of your friends are getting kissed on their forehead do us a favor and go ahead and

steal that credit card allegedly they're on their way out yeah yeah why don't you hook us up all right forward their Yes, please open up those offers We really want the pod to be very good. We don't have the cool backdrop. I know this becker Not I'm working on the backdrop. We need a thing to put on it right now It would just be like a colored piece of fabric. That's pretty good Different color depending on my mood Right now it'd be lavender I'm so tired I am so fucking tired but look we're nailing it this is a good episode read can I can

read so tiny it's all I can do is read read you from space so yeah the patreon is a word like it five bucks five bucks a month so many episodes that are very very good and you know what? five bucks is like Nothing in the grand scheme. Yeah children are being starved zero dollars You know five bucks it's free money pretty cool 60 bucks in a good way if you want to if you want to send your buddy five bucks or 500 bucks cash out man, oh That's not all I can fucking do you goddamn Jag

offs. Why don't you shut up and listen? I'm about to educate your candy asses. Did you get that clip? I sent you a stone cold. Yeah, it was like when the random guy in the bathroom gifted you a bump of cocaine and someone is mean to him. Yeah, it's so cold is wagging people in the head with chairs. I haven't laughed out loud at something in a long time. Oh yeah, the internet's pretty good. Internet's good. And a good way to utilize technology to do commerce

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So he probably got some in his mouth like you swallow some cold water. He does spit them out like he... Yeah. Right. So they were in his mouth. He's herped up. Come on. Those coins are slathered with H With the H er well, I'm just saying no one talks about where Scrooge McDuck was from 1939 to 1946 It's not smuts Scrooge, yeah, I mean Huey Dewey Louie come on we're going to urbana next weekend Let's figure it out. Yeah, we're gonna go to Huntington Beach, Ocean, so what happened screw screw screw show us the papers scrooge was on Epstein's Island. That was the plane that he had. That's why he had to hire his own pilot. What was his name quade launch pad, McQuay, sure quade launch pad mccoy sure quade it's for a cash up legalize cash up. If you direct deposit at least three

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That's money. That's Cash App. Cash App is a financial service platform, not a bank. money last I checked that's free money terms apply that's money that's cash app cash apps the financial service platform not a bank banking services provided by cash apps bank partners prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank member FDIC direct deposit roundups overdraft coverage and discounts right by cash app a block Inc brand visit cash app dot com slash legal slash podcast for full disclosures the promo code I didn't read it is chubby see it you BB why take your financial future into your own hands with cash at. You're so good at promos. Yeah that was pretty good. I'd be sue sue manager jumped all over

it and made it longer but I wanted you to shine. We got it, man. I wanted you to talk about your friend, Kashap. Kashap's my dog. He's my buddy, my friend that lives in my phone. Is my friend Kashap? Whoa. Kashap Lund? I'm tired too. Yeah, Susu, it's all about the money and the miles.

It's not what you make, it's what you save. He's got my buckle bunnies are running me out. He's got the herp. I'm notnies are running me out he's got the hurt I'm not doing the kissing spot cuz he's hurt up she's not gonna have to work with men I wanted people to believe it damn it what a fucking fraud that is women wrestling men energy I'm wrestling this sucks this is dumb I know you get mad no I don't get mad it It's just it's it's I well No, I understand because there's

Suspension of disbelief but to a point and then some people like Gossard always says that they're all It's anime. They're all superheroes who can do things that brother makes sense. We're drying up all the pussy All that sweet poon Annie that's listening. They are tapped out. Everybody likes wrestling. Everybody wants one. Nerds. As long as you're a nerd. And did the... Get into wrestling. WDET. What's what's funny about Detroit show yesterday? Outdoor Miami. Outdoor show. All on the lawn. lawn no it wasn't all ages technically then it was me Brianna Brad Wenzel went up second he had a really funny joke he

said uh well it's funny cuz you know looking around all the people here man all the pickleball courts must be empty. It must be like, what's going on? Does something happen? It's pretty funny. Cause it was a bunch of fucking, you know, libs. NPR. Yep.

NPR tarts. NPR words. I did radio on Tuesday live on WDET and the lady was really cool. Her name was Tia, I think. She was cool, graded her job. And I talked about Emily, that's why we moved to the city, blah, blah, blah.

She mentioned like, so that's cool, that's cool. I was like, yeah, she's a doctor. And we were blah, blah, blah, med school. And she's like, that's really cool that your wife was in middle school. And I said, what? She said, medical school. I said, yeah, I just wanted to clear that up.

Clear that up real quick. I'm not Crystal, you know. And then literally I say that, and she starts laughing so hard, and we both look to the booth, and the production guy is pulling his collar. Actually pulling his collar. That was fun. fun yeah shout out

to Bob well Bob came the legend uncle Bob he was cool he came to the show wearing his NPR shirt he gave me a back right back to Hannah's afterward because I he took me to the airport in the morning what should have been a 12 minute ride probably 35 minutes he found every nook and cranny of that city to bore me in god bless him and then uh sues was there big to her that he got laid. Oh, yeah He was pointed out where he fed mice when he was doing experiments at Wayne State oh Yeah, sues was there I called her disco sues that was pretty cool

And then also I had to say to everyone and by the way, if you see a flagrantly bald man wearing a wolf poncho, that is my father in law. Everyone that's Jim shout out to Jim pointed him out. Everyone laughed. I was like you might be thinking what's the right place to wear wolf poncho? This definitely isn't it. He hasn't had. He's not going to a shootout. He's not a desperado. Yeah. You said it was the same one you got for you and my dad and me and you. So the one, yeah, that I would never wear anywhere except we're on the pod nude on the pod home in bed or on the pod. That's it. I couldn't wear it out the door at all

because I'd feel like a fraud. Yeah, and a frog. Yeah, like a frog man. Toad person. Yeah, nude and wet underneath. Yes. Something that I stumbled upon while hopping around. And he was, yeah, he rocked it.

He rocked it proudly. And it was also a summer night, humid, sticky. Couldn't have been less appropriate. 85 degrees, probably. Yeah, unnecessary. He's got a fucking ponch. It's a pretty thick ponch. It's a warm llama hair poncho.

It is kind of perfect when it's chilly. Yours is mule fur, but ours are llama hair. Oh, it's itchy. Yeah, I've only worn that thing when I need to run outside in the middle of the night and I don't want to put clothes on. Yeah, it's the only time I've ever worn that. It's good for shielding your body from committing a crime. Although recently I've heard that anything you do on your property is totally fine.

Like being nude wise. You can like bang your old lady in the front window and no one can come at you. I think if you're inside, you can claim that you weren't doing it on purpose. Right, so let's say you have a glass cube on your back of your house. Get in there and run around. Right, yeah I don't think you can be in the yard. Worship the sun. Fucking your wife though. Say hey, hey, hey the moon, I got another one for you. Flip over honey. That'd be nuts to do it in the glass cube. Yeah, that's hilarious. I'd let people watch from the yard.

Set out chairs up there. Yep. This one's for you. They're just pointing at you. Yep. Because there's glass and nobody can hear anybody. No. It's just...

Yeah. And then you. I'm in there though and I'm playing music really loud but they can just kind of hear it. Everybody, brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr brr br I'm just in there. No one can hear it. They do shows like people, people could come. Oh man, I would hope a lot of people came. No, no, they're not masturbating as they watch me bang my wife in the cube to stroke me because they're over and over. They don't know

so it is a crime for them to touch themselves out there. That'd be weird. Hourly shows we're doing in our backyard of people were out there hurting themselves committing. You have to do the sin of onan by yourself stroke. It's just that part, just it starts over. My back goes out. I'm like screaming for help everyone's getting crushed. People can't hear us.

It's pretty hot what they're doing I guess. Must be hot in there. Anyway. That would be something. hot it's pretty hot what they're doing I guess must be hot in there yeah anyway would be gotta be something so much glass direct sunlight you would be so pink oh yeah I'd be the shrimp man from Alcatraz feed me to the birds oh yeah I should have mentioned it earlier the jugs but with a jug talk but I want to circle back who's got them two big circles well just Monday I went with Megan and met up with her brother sister in law and their kid at Jellystone which is like this big RV park you know that has water stuff Fubu yeah mm-hmm yogogi bear you didn't go there right you just knew

about it my like it had been here my parents know the owner I went there when it was like a fucking dirt parking lot yeah but they collected a lot of bail jumpers at Yellowstone right yes for sure just do the whistle. Round up. Pounty hunter does the drug whistle and then just starts clubbing people as they walk up whistling. Becker's dad pulls up in his big truck with the windows up and you just kind of like hear it. He pulls up and rolls it down just for the then just mace out the window. He's wearing a big mask. He's wearing a scream mask stroke. Everyone's dropping like he gets out and it starts clubbing up putting them in handcuffs throwing them in the back. He throws them in the back.

Becker's mom is in the back of the truck and the flatbed covering him with a shotgun. Get the get the car, bitch. Get the fuck in. My stupid little son needs more figurines. You're taking 24 pop tarts out of my strange son's mouth. Stroke man. you're taking twenty four pop tarts out of my strange son's mouth. Stroke thump split in skulls. Becker's crying in the back because it's so loud.

He's been listening to it all day. Super loud is his dad works up the nerve to go to Yellowstone, jelly stone. Put your fucking picnic baskets on the ground. But no, so we go there and there's a lot of kids and people, there's just these two, there's like one pool and then one like big splash pad with some slides. And so there's just a lot of kids there and it just talked to Megan's brother and her parents about like where our swimming pool hole was,

where we went growing up, the whole going to the pool thing and how it was the best. And then I said to like Megan and Melanie, like, oh God, like they were just like part of, one of the best parts for these kids about going to the pool is seeing crazy jugs. Oh yeah. Megan, Mel, Megan's mom, all doing their part to make that just like the best summers.

When you don't care who's attached to what, it's just about the skin and the line yeah and the bigger the line the cooler the that counted for something yeah it's all imagination it's all brand new it's all yeah you're not over it and rolling your eyes yeah you don't do the jerk-off motion you're literally jacking it in the pool it's summer and you're eleven and a half or whatever and you're like, oh my god This is the best one. So he said We're coming here I live here forward my mail Mom bring my Xbox. It was funny to think about that. Yes, and and I go to the pool

All the time. Yeah, they weren't the only ones everybody was doing their part. I'm observing It was a very quite often day in the water broke my sunglasses I've been back to the pool I need them you need them to hide the eyes need them so no one knows yeah that's coming out of your it's coming out of your car nobody loves Queens this yeah those there's real Queens of your car. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Is that everybody loves Queens, the stand, those there's real queens of the Stone Age heads. Yeah. A lot of people are like, it's interesting. They did a show on the catacombs. I never, I never listened to him.

You can't imagine what a show in the catacombs would be like. Holy fuck. It'd be so loud. Oh, they played down there. Yeah. After nightmare, bitch. Oh, really? They played nightmare,, after Nightmare Bitch. Oh. Really?

Mm-hmm. They played Nightmare Bitch? They did Nightmare Bitch in the catacombs. It was very similar. They had a line about the goblin's pants wet with stew. Human meat turned number two? That's right. Donnie Townsend. Damn. Well, I'll have to check that out. Younie Townsend. Damn. Well,

I'll have to check that out. You need to do that goddamn Rio Rancho song, Slap Nuts. I'm gonna. Guess what? Like actually do it. I know I'm gonna and it's gonna be good. It's all that's holding up the episode. Uh, Pat said I have until the end of the year. He's wrong. I'll kill you. How about that? I said I'd kill you. I bet you would, wouldn about that? I said I'd kill you But you would wouldn't you yeah, I kiss your forehead No, it's my own but I would smother you with my butt that'd be awesome rickshaw you to death good night Well and eat your way out of this

Monkey's paw I literally your cake. I literally did the how it started. How's it going trend and how it ends was your butt. Yeah. Whoa. Yeah. What if it that better not be real? I don't want that to be true. So we got a cake up dumper and it's looking to back back back doesn't need a body. Crush your head doesn't need literally crush your head, but just like sitting on your face and going until you heard just a pop and it's your skull. Yeah, yeah or a think about that next time. It's like a walnut breaking sure any kind of thing

any kind of thing, any crushable thing? Yeah poppable crushable Is this the best episode is this the key to our podcast success is to have us exhausted It'd be a little out of it. Yeah, just be looped out and there's a lot of good ones Sometimes it does where we're looped. Yeah, this was a very fun one. Well, how much time do we have 40 minutes? We have like eight minutes left. Eight. Eight's good. It's a good number. Emily's favorite number.

Number eight. I had Susanna thinking she was a literal telepath the other day. And like also Emily and Suze, like the grandma fell for it. Rocked? What? Yeah. Because I was like, all right, Susanna, I'm thinking of a number. Guess what it is.

And she'd be like four. And I be like oh my god. It was four As we did I did that with her a couple times and then I was like Emily Suze get in here All right, Susanna. I'm thinking of a number What is it she was like four I was like yes, you know, she said for every time and you and I was like, oh my god like a total moron looks at Emily and is like That's crazy cuz any number that she would say I would say was a number she was I get it. Yes I know I got it. All right, Susanna. Let's do it again. Think of a number. She was like, you know for Double four Wow

And I was like, okay, Emily, think of a number. I think Susanna gave me her powers. Think of a number. And Emily was like, okay, I'm thinking of one. I was like eight. And she was like, oh my God, it's eight. Susanna went. And now she thinks she's a telepath.

We're playing this game around the house called Zombie and it sucks. And she needs some new shit because her shit is played out and boring. Yeah. Zombie is I'm a zombie and then she hides and I and then like she locks the door and I just stand by the door and occasionally paw at it and then she'll open the door and I'll go and she goes on and she locks the door again. So really the game is her in the room between you know for intervals of 10 to a minutes worth of seconds yeah and then her opening the door and there'll be a new

this this one's called button zombie in which one of the buttons on my shirt turns me into a zombie she presses it this one's called bed zombie you're gonna hide underneath the bed so she takes the mattress lays it on top of me zombie then there was one called quiet zombie. This is where I drew the fucking line. She wanted you to not talk. Quiet zombie was us hiding from each other in the same room and then if either of us moves, we were supposed to yell, don't move zombie. We did that for like twelve minutes, just hiding and it's like dude. This sucks. This is a bad

game. I hate it where's where's NFL blitz when you need yeah I know where's mumbly peg shit I'd settle for pogs I'll be in the pool holding my breath for multiple minutes you missed bugs completely right pogs was actually the first cultural phenomenon that I remember. Yeah. Colin Lyons was the Albert County Pog champion. That doesn't seem right.

Good friend of mine. It was very early. We were in like the first and third grade. I think it was like third grade. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and then Pokemon came around in like fifth, sixth grade and it just eradicated everything.

Yeah. Yeah, Pogs were dumb and they didn't make sense in like fifth sixth grade and it just eradicated everything yeah yeah pogs were dumb and they didn't make sense and I saw it like an ad for them a couple months ago and I was like what the shit there's no way no they're bad nobody would fall for them but yeah what was the game again like the way they were mostly right then you'd stack them and hit them with your slammer and the ones you flipped you'd keep yeah so you flipped them you hit them with your slammer and the ones you flipped you'd keep. Yeah. So you flipped them, you kept them. Yeah. Oh yeah. And it's like, wait, this sucks. Those are mine.

Life was tough before the internet. So what, they were positive, were they expensive or are they like, No. No? Or slammers were, but you'd get like packs ofogs and there was a bunch of crap in there. Were they collectible Pogs? They were like, had more value? I don't know if it got to that. Probably, right? I think, not really, because they were just printed cardboard and they'd print as many

as were demanded. It sucks. I don't think anybody was limiting them, really. The game sucks. But there were ones that were printed by, like Marvel put ones out that weren't necessarily at every store like the regular POG brand ones. Hmm. So there were ones that like this day You would have it on the playground because it was like man fucking I feel like it was a month long venom slammer I want it

Yeah, he does have a venom slammer Give me a kiss. You currently slammed? No. Okay. Because I don't want your disease in my robot body. Hey, hey, hey, hey, Susanna, how about we play some white zombie? Real loud. There was a dude in a Rob Zombie shirt. I don't know if he was at our show or not because we were in the multiplex or whatever, but Rob Zombie shirt, like where the whole shirt was his face. I was like Jesus, that's nuts. Did we do a podcast last Sunday after I got back from Dayton? Yeah, we did. Yeah. You guys about playing the bumblebee tuna song in the

car. Yeah, I think you told us after we recorded old method I played mephesophila so I did gate Dayton and then like drove back afterwards and had to wake up early to go to a one year old's birthday party in Lake Orion, which is in fact very far we talked about that. Anyway, I played the bumblebee tuna song and You know Memphis mephesflee is very upbeat song. It's fun bum bum bum. And I'm like crying and Emily's like, what's going on?

I was like, me and my mom's favorite song. So I was like just trying to play a fun song for Susanna and then wound up like quietly sobbing in the front to bum bum bumblebee bumblebee tuna. I love bumblebee bumblebee tuna. You love bumblebee bumblebee tuna the you love bumblebee bumblebee to the I love to the made from bamboo be and so I'm then I'm just like up there like under my sunglasses like you through the sun.

Weird moment. No, I did. They fell off my fucking hat at the pool and shattered crying head. Now I got to go back to that Detroit God damn optometrist and get swindled again. Oh yeah, They swindled me were six hundred and fifty dollars. Yes, because like black women were like, ooh you wearing them They're not wearing you I was like fuck. Yep. I'll take them out the door to their made of wood. They literally splintered Same thinking. Yeah. Yeah, they didn't look that cool. They look really cool. No They looked crazy on you. Probably for the best that they're broken. I'm listening to you No, listen, I'm bumblebee bumblebee. I don't I don't remember that at all. Oh, yeah Weird moment and then I got recognized at the one year old's birthday party

And I called the cops no, yeah get of here. Where's your buddy with the conductors? Have you broke three chairs? Why would you keep sitting in the same exact same chair? I have a right to sit down. I'm first American citizen, let alone too. It's my sovereign citizen thing. I can snap as many chairs as I want. I'm not a human being. I'm a corporation. chairs as I want I'm not a human being I'm a corporation now give me another chair I want to meet Santa Santa was there he was very handsy what yeah it was a Chris it was like Christmas in July yeah cheating on Santa yeah you

have to write that wait somebody has to Joe yeah cheating on Santa Joe should write cheating on Santa yeah it was Becker's big line. Yeah, it was very funny. Well, this one petered out. Well, what are you going to do? What are you going to do? Uh, we have like 45 seconds left here. Why don't you take it for a spin? That's true. What spin would I do for 45 seconds? I don't know. I'm getting a Kia carnival. I have a Turkish delight here called Big Turk and I can't know. I'm getting a key a carnival. I have a Turkish delight here called Big Turk and I can't wait to tear into it and not share with us for sure for sure. But I have never you had how many eclairs today. I have

peach guide to I have peach gummies to share with everyone. You got two eclairs while I was not even sleeping. God today sucked. I thought you were asleep. You quit responding or looking at things. I put it on sleep mode. I'm just laying there like a goddamn blob. Just mad at myself for not being able to sleep. Yeah, I need a prescription to sleeping medicine so I can sleep whenever I want. It's called weed bro, so I can be quiet whenever I want weed bro so I can be quiet whenever I want. Elliott Ness.

Make an Elliott mess. It was when he was done with himself. Oh God. Bleed in bleed out. Oh damn. I'm going to end on that. Goodbye everyone. Elliott Elliott Smith.

Sorry. Elliott. He didn't do it. It was Courtney Love.