Chubby Behemoth - Stuffed Crust Family

Episode Date: February 28, 2022

I'm The Guest. Cum Correct. Fork Up A 50. Zac Maas.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

I'm not gonna lie, like, Barbie's like, what? I have some sort of reason to cancel this thing last minute? Don't do that if you have to, like, pay. As a medical professional, I wouldn't say don't do that. Don't do what? Don't waste a doctor's time. You know how many other people need their little butt thumbs tied off like they're about to get some sweet, sweet H shot right into their main vein? Don't cancel. They need that money.

Yeah, they do. Doctors work very hard. And they deserve every penny they get. She doesn't do anything. She does too. Babies come out on their own. She barely does babies anymore. She's been doing a lot of forehead widenings. She does babies. People want one of these. Yeah, they want a Lund.

Give me the Lund model. Could they make it look like this? Look at this. From the side? Oh, yeah. The forehead and then the nose, too. It's regal. I want to be able to eat a whole four-course meal off my forehead.

Lund style. We have 22 minutes to get through, so it should be alright. You can do whatever we say you'll do. Because we're guests. We're the guest. Did you ever do that when you were a kid? Do what? That was like a fun bit I did, but really I was just being a little bitch. Yeah, I'd go over to someone's house and they'd be

like, we have one Fanta or we have one RC Cola, and I'd be like, oh, the Fanta. I'm the guest. And then I'd both. That was a fun... I used to do that with the oh, the Fanta. I'm the guest. And then I'd have both. That was fun. I used to do that at the Kendigs all the time. I'm the guest. Jesse would be like, do you want top bunk or bottom bunk? And I'd be like, I want the top. I'm the guest. And he'd be like, well, that's the one my

older brother died on. And I'd be like, cool. I like ghosts. I'm the guest. I'm gonna bang it. I'm the spooky guest. We're gonna kiss. His brother died from eating an eight ball of cocaine. He was a rodeo clown. He got pulled over by the cops and he munched the whole bag of coke. He fucking died.

It sucked. That must have been so bad. It was a bummer. I mean, for a little while it ruled. Yeah. He was the highest he's ever been. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Yeah! Yeah, Mississippi Queens playing. I remember I went to his funeral and my grandfather said something to his dad, Jeff. Jeff was one of my coaches. I was very close with Jeff. And I said, my grandpa like, we're on the pod, dummy. We're fucking recording. Make sure you don't blow it.

You think I'm wasting all this gold on you? All this forehead chat? When was the last time? Hold on. Let me do this story. Okay? I want to make sure it's being recorded. It's being recorded, yes.

I didn't have my laptop last time. I did it on my phone last time. Yeah. We're using Audacity now, the official sponsor of Chubb Pod. Oh, the Audacity. Oh, behavior. Audacity, brought to you by Body Man. It's free.

Yes, it is. And that's why. It suffers from many failures. But my grandpa went and shook his hand and whispered something in Man. It's free. Yes, it is. And that's why. It suffers from many failures. But my grandpa went and shook his hand and whispered something in Jeff Kendrick's ear. And he started crying. And then my dad went up and gave him a big hug and said something. Then I went up and shook his hand and I said, how you doing? I was like 11.

His son's dead. Hello, sir. I'm the guest. Yeah. I'll be in the casket today. I'm the guest. I imagine that is like the final evolution of doing cocaine. Like you're in a bathroom and it's late and you're like, you know what, fuck it.

Let's go take bowls off cowboys. Yeah. I mean, he was a fucking badass rodeo clown. We call them bullfighters where I come from. Out of respect. Out of appropriation. Well, they were a bunch of Spaniards, little caballeros. We're joined here today by the one and the only Nathan Lund.

Hello, Nathan. Thanks for having me. You're welcome. It's a pleasure. I've been meaning to get on here. Yeah, people have been demanding more Lund. More Lund all the time. And your friend, Zach.

Zach M. Yeah, Zach M. Your work Zach. Zach M. Yeah, Zach M. Your work buddy, Zach M. is also here. We used to work together hanging up pipe and drape at the event center. We used to hang pipe together. You know what that means, huh? We used to load up the truck with pipe and drain and then drain our veins. I heard you were very bad at it from multiple people who worked with you.

Yeah, including Zach. Full of shit. I was good at it. Nathan's not built for work. I mean, he physically is built for it. He's a little chodlet, a little high gueto. But a trauma to horror. But yeah, I don't think he has the mental wherewithal.

He's built for comfort, not for speed. Fuck you, Zach. I saved your ass from a couple of chewings out. I was one of the good comic workers. There were several bad comic workers. Who worked with you? They'd just walk in circles and be like, what are we supposed to do? And it's like, there's three things you could be doing right now.

Pick one. No, multiple people. Joe Gray, who's a communist. He's worker first. He's worker first. He would never de-smurch another workman. He said he wouldn't even let you in his union. My union? No, Joe Gray was like,

not good enough to make the union. I didn't take enough breaks. You couldn't join the IWW, the one big union. You were too fucking dumb to be a wobbly. Joe said I could join the EWW. Ew. That was mean.

That hurt. Yeah, you told me he sucked. I think Evan Johnson said he sucked. Listen to Evan Johnson. He knows things. I mean, he does. He was there with you. Can you imagine how good he was at carrying a bunch of heavy-ish things around?

At least he was carrying them. Working hard. I had to carry him around. No. Nathan did fine. I don't know. Because, you know, really, if I couldn't get comics to come in and help, instead we'd have to just get people there.

Day labor. Yeah, day labor. And literally you'd have people coming in like, I watched people steal soda out of a room one time, high on meth. And I was like, you guys don't need to come in tomorrow. Yeah, you were like, no es el baño, senor. Yeah, no, it was, yeah, you know. Nathan was better than a meth ped with a soda stealing problem.

Well, I don't know about the soda stealing thing. I've seen this guy eat, like, eight Dr. Peppers at one meal. Zach's being a douche. Fuck you. Good thing I'll never work for you again. I don't do that anymore. I retired years ago. Zeke told me that Zeke would be carrying an entire glass chest, like 3,000 pounds,

and you'd be talking to the workman and being like, so where do you think these curtains should hang? I'd run bits. I could be hanging some curtains right now. It'd be pretty cool. It's been windy out there, huh? Yeah. I was always running bits.

No, I did a fine job. It was a dumb job. Zeke was crazy. He was crazy strong. Yeah. Cheque Blanco. Crazy strong. Crazy.

Yeah. Crazy and loving it. He was like a one-man working crew. He could just pick up half of a building and be like, oh, you need it over here? Cool. He's Operation Dumbo Drop. It was wild. Yeah. We should be dropping him over there in Russia right now, letting him eat his way out.

Yeah. They were very strong. Cheke was very strong. They one time got into a Freightliner truck. Who were they? Didn't check. Oh, Cheke. Cheke, yeah.

And then backed directly, just didn't look, and just backed into a car. And that's how desperate we were for workers. It was like, oh, yeah, you just T-boned a new vehicle with the work truck. Come back tomorrow. We need you. You're still better than Nathan. Yeah. It does make sense that Cheke is they because Cheke is a bunch of people all at once.

You would refer to a person of people all at once like you would refer to a person of that size as a couple you know so shout out Cheke wherever you are

hopefully you're carrying something I'll see I'll see Cheke this week next weekend plug your dates we have listeners

up there they were supposedly terrified of a potential stalker during the festival so we didn't get to see them. Yeah, they didn't want to see their ex-wife. Oh.

Duh. Zach M. will be headlining. No, what about the Moss Man? Guitar comic Zach Moss. Musical comedian. Mudflap cover comic. Zach Moss. The Flap Attack.

Man, you didn't give us a lot of reasons to like you when you started the first time you saw me i did play a song and you came up to me and were like that was really good i normally hate that so i don't know if you were trying to kiss my ass as the new guy on the scene or if you actually liked that musical comedy yeah i had so much to gain by kissing your ass well i was sucking up to you why wouldn wouldn't you? Shoeless fucking hobo. So, no, what I'm saying is... I was being nice. No, you genuinely liked my musical comedy.

No, I was lying to feel a comedy. I told Steve Ajay I liked his comedy, too. And it was just a lot of like, oh, hell! Sam just liked to lie a bunch. Yeah. He liked to lie to people's faces. He was kind of... You were to musical comedy

what I was to the pipe and drape worker. You told me that you liked it. Better than the dickheads that, you know, flounder.

You told me that you liked it and then you invited me to play it at Too Much Fun. Yeah, wow, what a nice guy I was. Yeah, why would you

have done that? That was like my second show. Because we couldn't book one of the eight comics we had every week again. We were desperate

for the comics. We had a weekly. Yeah, it's like, oh, Troy Walker's out of town. Let's have Timmy on again. Turn the lights on,

turn the lights off. Turn the lights on. Yeah, so you still remember it. Well, just because Lund sang it. Also, you used to sing that one song,

Baby, you got no one. Yeah. No. The Taco Bell on Well, just because Lunn sang it. Also, you used to sing that one song, Baby, you got no arms. The Taco Bell on Colfax. It's not a pizza hut. It'll have you peeing out of your butt. Yeah, that was a fucking Mossman original. You saw George Zuckerman and you were like, I'm going to do that.

Yeah, a light went off. Yeah, I don't remember that one. I did do... That was a Zuckerman song that's who you were competing with I did write a second musical song but I just couldn't figure out it was a sad country song and it's like you know

I'm not crying I just got cum in my eyes I was right to compliment you I swear guys I'm not crying but I couldn't figure out how to turn around on stage and then turn back around and have cum all over my face. That was the reveal.

I'd look down like I was crying, and then I'd look up and there'd be cum all over my face. Bummer you couldn't get the special effects experts on that one. Yeah, someday when I'm famous. When I got that Sam T money, I'll be able to have a cum cannon in the back of the room that just shoots it right in the eyes. A PA with a...

A penis assistant. I think John Crist has a cum cannon. That's why Stroop's on the road with him. They're cum correct. Stroop's just eating zinc tablets in the back. Filling up a super soaker with its seed. Does zinc produce more seed? I don't know.

Zinc's the trick, man. As you eat your North. Yeah. Is that what those ads are for in Pornhub, with the two glasses that they fill up with before and after cum? I don't know. I don't watch pornography. No, you don't?

No. I don't wound. I don't watch pornography. No, you don't? No. I don't wound myself that way. I keep it all saved up for Emmy and I get it out real quick and then I finger her for a while. The way she likes it. Yeah. She wants it to be over as soon as possible.

As soon as I get on top, she's on the bottom. It is weird though if you think about it that Zach Moss came on the scene. Upstart guitar comic. though, if you think about it, that Zach Moss came on the scene, upstart guitar comic, arguably more handsome than Jordan Zuckerman, and all of a sudden Jordan quits comedy because his

wife gets pregnant. But as we all know, Jordan didn't have a penis. And Zach is over here as a cum comic, so maybe, is that what you did? Did you knock up his old lady to get him off the scene? No, no, uh-uh. I don't even know.

Because Lunn banged her. Yeah? Oh, yeah. They broke up for like six hours, and Lunn was like, I'll have what he's having. No. Have we talked about this? Is this a Patreon?

No. Definitely not. They were split up, and it was her birthday. And you didn't get her a gift. God, can you imagine if that's what you got for your birthday? It was one's dick. He pops out of the cake.

It's half eaten. Blow out the candle. I talk like that. You hear a Baumauer cover? Oh, man. Yeah, Lund totally porked

that guy's wife. I like that for the reveal as a stripper, he doesn't have to take his G-string off, he just lifts up his

stomach. Happy birthday, Mr. President. His football lifts up and his turgid ween is down there. It's banky. Lund banged a lot of guys' wives.

That was like his thing for a while. No, come on. What? That's not true. I don't know any counter evidence. Really? How many? How many wives has Lund taken?

Three or four. They were split up before they got married. It was fine. It was legal. It was binding. Oh, you were bound. It was fine, huh? Was that them describing it? I mean... It was fine.

She could have changed the sheets, and I did not whiz the bed. Oh. Skid marks, huh? I wiped. Yeah. That was a couple lifetimes ago. Yeah, we're with Zach Moss, man. M-A-A-S, old friend, good guy.

He's come a long way. He'll be at Savage Henry Comedy Club next weekend. He's come a long way. Fourth and fifth. Fourth and fifth. I'll be in Olympia on the second doing a show with Sam Miller. Sam Miller is legally huge. He's fun.

Yeah. No, he's great. I like Sam a lot. Should be a fun little. Sam Miller is like, do you know Sam Miller? No. He's fucking huge. He's like Mitch Jones size man.

And he used to be like, yeah, like should be in some kind of museum. Fascinating. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm serious. It's like Mitch isn't gross. No. You stare at him because you're like, holy Not... Yeah. Well, I'm serious. Mitch isn't gross. No. You stare at him

because you're like, holy shit. How many guys is that? Japanese people bow at Mitch when they see him. He's like Mitch if Mitch had been to prison. Yeah.

Oh. Because Sam used to be a meth head. And it's just fun to think about him spun out of his mind on meth just prowling the streets of Olympia because he's so big. Oh, yeah. No. He had to just fun to think about him spun out of his mind on meth, just prowling the streets of Olympia, because he's

so big. Oh, yeah. He had to just be like, oh, God, we got a wild bear coming down the street. There's like a helicopter circling him. He has a tattoo on his stomach that just says, let's dance. And he has like two

guns on his giant forearms. And he's like the sweetest man ever. He's like an angel on earth And really fucking funny He took second in the Seattle Comedy Festival this last year Should have won I lost a lot of money on that one So yeah Zach we like you Thank you for letting us record in your house

London you had a sleepover last night You said London was tons of fun Oh yeah he got here and was just like How you been doing He's's like, you know, I'm just trying to make it to 60 and feel okay. You're so dumb.

You remember half of everything and you fill in the rest. Okay, give me an unreliable narrator. I was tired. He was tired, okay. I'm getting sick of driving up here. It starts to add up.

He went to dinner with some people and they didn't order enough food. That was before. This was when I first got here. When he got here, I was worried that he had driven to my house to kill himself. I complained for two seconds. Zach was like,

I don't know what complaining is, so I'm going to act concerned. Yeah, you're right. I don't really complain a lot. Yeah, you don't, though. Yeah, you do. You're like, my asshole is too tight. Oh, yeah.

I can't get anything up there. You've been fucking tight-hole bragging for months now. Oh, God, yeah, I know. It's all fun, tight-hole bragging on stage, but now I have to go deal with the... Yeah. Do you want to tell the people what you're facing? Yeah, sure. So I have internal hemorrhoids. Okay.

And they have to get banded. Mm-hmm. So, yeah, basically they stick a syringe in my butt and then suck the hemorrhoid in it. A needleless syringe. Yeah, yeah. It's like a... It's like a dick pump. Yeah.

They're putting a dick pump in your ass and they're going to suck out your little internal friend. Yeah, they suck it in and then they throw a little rubber band around it and then you poop it out. It's a little butt finger that you drop a few days later. They let it die off like sheep's testicles. Yeah, and the reason I have these is because I have an abnormally

tight butthole. And who told you that? Some guy on the res? Yeah. No, two doctors. I don't want to run bits, but... did you did at lunch no i did yeah you did you're like i don't know if you've heard this have you seen this sam but i have a very tight butthole and i'm like yeah dude you've been opening for me for a while i told you that i was not looking forward to go to the doctor today because i had a tight butthole i didn't run run the joke on you, you son of a bitch. I've heard the bit. You asked if the two of us

were dating. You tried to do crowd work. You asked if there was any anniversaries. Anybody proudly served? Who wants to take a shot? I asked if they were dating because we were at all you could eat

sushi. Sam is on a diet where he's not eating rice, so Sam would just eat the fish off of the nigiri. Easy, this isn't a Patreon. And then Nathan would just eat. He'd bare back his rice right down his gullet. Nathan ate 20 pieces of just sushi rice at fucking lunch today. And I didn't ask him to either.

No, and I still don't know how I feel about it. Well, and the rest of them, Sam then smuggled in a napkin into the bathroom. It's called being a friend, being a good lookout, having each other's backs. I ate a little extra rice so that I could save him a few bucks. I mean, you had a bushel of rice.

You ate the amount of rice that a samurai got paid in. You know? I don't know. It was a lot. Yeah. And I'm hurting. Yeah, it was a dowry. I'm going to have a hemorrhoid band in my near future.

Well, at least you got enough rice because your gout will, the rice will cancel out all the fish you ate. It's like I didn't even have fish. It's like you didn't eat. My body would be like, man, rice, rice, rice. And then it goes on autopilot. It's just rice digestion. Meanwhile, a bunch of eel and tuna is sneaking through. Not as much eel as we typically cram.

There was only four pieces of eel eaten today. Six. Six. You change it to six. Another fun thing about Nathan visiting is in the 17 hours that he's been here, I'm still finishing your question, in the 17 hours, you've shit three times in my house, which is impressive.

That means that's three and a half hours of toilet time. Why don't you bail? We'll finish up. Thanks so much for being a part of the pod. Whatever. I could call Becker and take over the podcast at any time. Becker has zero power. We are the two-headed dog from hell. Oh, yeah? He doesn't post it

and edit it? I mean, he does, but... Allegedly. We're not paying him for it. He gets to come to the meet and greets. Yeah. The listeners know that I shit a lot. There was a time where I had to shit while we were recording. Yeah, it's legendary.

Wow, did you go in the bathroom and do the pot in there? Well, that's the thing about his house is he has just like a couch, and in the middle there's a little flap he can lift up and he can do shit right there. I wish. You would have never known. I could have stayed on the camera. Running bits from Married with Children over here. I'm not your age, dude. I'm not fucking 43. I don't know about Married with

Children. I'm young. I'm relevant. You don't? Beardo? No. It was the show that was on after The Simpsons and I would turn it off and go do push-ups. Oh, yeah? Yeah. No.

Yeah, hell yeah. I was a fucking tough little boy. I was like, this guy's not happily married? Click. What did you listen to when you did push-ups? Just the sound of your own breath? Oh, no, I wasn't allowed to listen to stuff. Yeah?

You know those silent discos? My family operated with a lot of headphones on. But the music plays in the headphones. Not this time. No, I was listening to probably Aquabats, just fucking doing push-ups, you know. Nice. Getting strong so people would quit calling me flappy tits.

It was a big time for me. I never thought Married With Children was funny, honestly. I was going to piss off a lot of our fan base. It wasn't for you. It was for a guy who wanted to bang his daughter. Yeah, she was hot. Who hated his

annoying wife, even though his wife was hot. She was okay. She's hot. She did. She was hot. I was doing Seinfeld voice earlier. No, we were doing Seinfeld voice. That was it? She was hot. She's hot. I was doing Seinfeld voice earlier. No, we were doing Seinfeld voice. That was it? She was hot.

She's hot. I did that. She was hot. He got a check A when he did his impression roulette. That was my Jerry Seinfeld. Oh my God. Zach was watching Married with Children instead of Seinfeld. Yeah, they banded his brain.

He's got a solid Peg Bundy. Not a good... I watched it just because it was Peggy, or Kelly Bundy, I would jerk off to Kelly Bundy.

Yeah. I would watch The Simpsons and then I would do my own version of Push Ups. Yeah. Yeah,

he's got an overripe watermelon on the ground. Yeah, I mean, this is before the internet and we didn't get the Sears catalog or whatever,

so yeah. Big Jim comes in. It was either Mar was either married with children or shampoo commercials so i would love to see your dad who's a great kind man walking on you jerking off i'd be crazy big jim coming in oh oh oh boy oh zachary why in In my house? It's good. I never got caught jerking off. Go in the woods. Go outside. Go where Bo goes.

No, I never got busted. Yeah? They do, though. He used to keep... What did you do? You had socks, and you had... Did you come in your empty Powerade bottle? No, I used to spit in Powerade bottles when I was chewing tobacco.

And then when my sister and my cousin cleaned out my room so we could take it over, they found like a hundred spitters that had been left next to the fucking radiator and just reeked. And then they called me and they said, are you shitting in bottles? I used to piss in bottles so I didn't have to stop gaming. That was it. You pissed in the bottles.

To prevent a 45 second trip to the bathroom. So I didn't have to walk by my sister's room and she would go, oink, oink, oink. Yeah, so I'd piss in fucking two liters and then just leave them around my room. And my mom was like, what is going on? There was a six month period where my mom found my shorts filled with all that porno, which we've talked about. And then also the bottle brigade. And she was like, we need to take you to a specialist.

I was a bottler too, you know. I would bottle my piss. But it was more because if I got drunk or high in my room, I didn't want the possibility of a parent interaction on the way to the bathroom. So I would just fucking piss in a bottle so that I didn't have to risk it. I was 11. I was a wee little puppet boy. I had a fridge in my room.

I was like 14, 13. I had a stronghold. I had a clapper. I had a little refrigerator. I had two televisions. I had a clapper too. Did you have the double clapper? The two and the three? Yeah, so that way you could turn off one light

and leave the other one on what I didn't know about that of course you didn't clapper technology well did yours work cause the two one no matter what I did like the two one

would always come on and off and the three one would never fucking work sure huh that's cause you don't have a good rhythm I've seen you play guitar

yeah that's crazy that I'm not 800 pounds it's crazy I'm not just fucking Ben Duncan around you know what I mean leave him alone cause like I had a clapper I had a fridge next to my bed Yeah, that's crazy that I'm not 800 pounds. It's crazy I'm not just fucking Ben Duncan around. You know what I mean? Leave him alone. Because I had a clapper, I had a fridge next to my bed, I had two televisions, I had all the fucking soda I could handle.

It was bad, dude. Yeah, it's crazy that you're, you know. You Ben Duncan on Ben Duncan so much lately. You brought him up today. I'm concerned for him. Yeah, you said I can't believe he's still breathing. That sucks. No, I didn't say that. I said, Zach's getting shit from his doctor. And I'm like, what. Yeah, you said, I can't believe he's still breathing. Zach was getting... No, I didn't say that. I said, Zach's getting shit from his doctor.

And I was like, what about Benny D's? Mm-hmm. Big dude. And he smokes. He smokes cigs. Ben, stop. Yeah. Me and Zach don't smoke cigs.

Yeah, me neither. I quit. Yeah, right. You got a pack in your car. You can't wait to go burn one down. No, I stopped. I'm over it. You're going to be like...

Yeah, right. Boring. Smoking is cool. I mean, I'm over it. Yeah, right. Boring. Smoking is cool. I mean, I do miss it, you know? If I was like you and was just trying to get by until 60. Yeah, if I had nothing to live for. I'd be smoking them, too, if I lived in Trinidad. Uh-huh.

I mean, you got to... The currency down there. You got to smoke at the dad. Yeah, man. No, I'm going to stop. You gotta smoke at the dad. Yeah, man. No, I'm gonna stop.

I'm not gonna try and get healthy, so I can't, like, be a fat wad and smoke cigs. You were just having a couple daggers every day. You weren't waking up and having one. Not every day. See, I think you should keep smoking. But I didn't want it to get to a point where I wanted more and more, and then it's harder to quit. I should just not. Just don't. Chew gum.

Well, if Sam hits his vape pen over here. It's CBD, baby. No nicotine? No nic, man. I'm on that CBD. I had two cigarettes this weekend because Tim Dillon smokes in his rental car. That's tough. It's tough when he's huffing them down and screaming about, you know.

Windows up. Windows up, yeah. Heater on. Yeah. When we got to the rental car counter in, where the fuck, in Maine, the lady's like, you know, I've got to say this Audi X4

or whatever fucking expensive car you rented, someone smoked in it before. So it smells a little bit like smoke. Is that okay? And Tim looks at me and I'm wearing orange pants

and Tim says, I sound like a toaster. He's wearing orange pants. We don't care about a little sick. She didn't laugh. Yeah. I sound like a toaster.

Yeah, he's very funny, and he smokes some. Oh, yeah, listen to this. Okay. So, I opened for Todd Berry last week. You opened for Todd Berry? Fort Collins. Yeah, the Aggie. And Denver, yeah, the Aggie.

Oriental. The O, as people are calling it. Oh, no Aggie. In Denver, yeah, the Aggie. Oriental. The O as people are calling it. Oh, no. Yeah. And fun shows. And before the show in Denver. Fun shows. Okay.

Before the Oriental show, I get a message on Instagram from a Chubby Behemoth listener. Love it. He says, hey man, I'm here at the Todd Berry show just to see you. Which makes me feel good. I'm excited. I go out there, I have a great set. Whose jokes did you do? I did, sang Zach's song.

Nice. Turn the lights on, turn the lights off. I look like a girl from behind. Wu-Tang Wednesdays. That's pretty much my whole act. I brought the motherfucking ruckus. Happy and sad. on Jesus' birthday and uh

we're burning your act got punched got punched in the face yeah but uh after my set I watched like the second half

of Todd's uh set and there were a few people that were kind of annoying you know yelling out, and he was funny dealing with them. But he doesn't want to have to do that a bunch. Well, hold on, not to interrupt, but is he doing the crowd work tour again?

No, he had a couple times where he would do crowd work. But he wants it to be very specific, controlled. Well, he wants to be in control and start and stop it when he wants. He doesn't want people just yelling shit that's not the same. So after the show, I was in the crowd. Crowd surfing. They're peeling bodies off of you. I'm selling merch.

Selling pictures of all kinds of people. Anna Cole Smith, Playboy, E2 or whatever. Oh my God. Eli, your nephew. He's in the bath. Yeah. You want that diaper

to get off, you better fork up a 50. Selling nudes of your nephew. Hell yeah. Yes. So, yeah.

Worst thing you can imagine, I'm doing it. And, the guy and his fiance and their friend come up and they're like, oh my god, you're the best. The guy

loves the podcast. His friend loves it. They're listening right now, right? Not right now because we haven't put this out yet. You don't really get how things work, but this will come out eventually. They'll listen. You're listening right now. The fiance got into the podcast.

She likes it. She literally says, I don't have them, but I'm good for other stuff. It was cool. The three of them were cool. Yeah. And I'm enjoying talking to them. This polyamorous triad. He's like half freaking out, but he's being cool. He's not being annoying. He's like worried that he's being annoying. I was like, no, dude, you like the podcast. He's like half freaking out, but he's being cool. He's not being annoying.

He's worried that he's being annoying. I was like, no, dude, you like the podcast. That's great. So yeah, we're having a nice time. Todd comes up and says hi to them. And then when they left, he goes, they ruined my set. They talked too much during his set, so that sucked. That part was unfortunate.

You fucking assholes. No, I love it when our fans cuck the headliner. Well, you got it. It made me think of... Usually I'm the headliner though, so it's crazy. Your deal was way worse. That dude just... In Houston? Constantly saying to buy your book. Buy his book! It's the best damn book anyone's

ever fucking wrote. He's just screaming it. Yeah, in the front row, turning around. He's just trying to let people know he's read a book. Yeah, exactly. He's like, it's like the Koran but good I don't know how many people plugging your book are like

I've never read one of these before but this was actually a and it's like yeah cool there's a lot of good books out there

you should try them yeah that's what TV's based on yeah it's like a movie in your mind who shout him out what was his name? I don't remember, I think it was

Nick, Logan, something We have a lot of Logan's, a lot of Cassidy's in our fan base I like the name I like Todd Berry's name It reminds me of a growth you would find on your grundle Oh, I got a Todd Berry

You have to go get your Todd Berry tied off. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. As Logan and Alex. Hell yeah, Logan and Alex, shout out. Thanks for cucking that old sex pest. Jesus Christ. But yeah,

it was a good time. Worried about coming on too strong. You didn't come on too strong. You like the podcast. That's great. Yes. He mentioned his birthday's in July. He might have a party, house party, and he might want me and or you to perform.

I'm booked. Yeah, I'll bet you are. We might both be booked. I don't remember when it is in July. Yeah. No, I'll be there, man. I'm going to come and be rude to your loved ones. Let's pants them. Let's tabletop them. Yeah, I'll be there, man. I'm going to come and be rude to your loved ones. Let's pants them.

Let's tabletop them. Yeah, let's see how little she has them. We'll see who, well, maybe some of their friends have them. Yeah. We could really creep them out. Like, they don't listen to the podcast. They don't get it at all. That birthday boy and his soon-to-be wife

are, like, freaking out about the two biggest chodes they've ever seen. Wearing the shortest shorts ever. These guys are the epitome of comedy. Yeah. And then we're just like, where's the pickles? Yeah. We're just out there going up to women's breasts and seeing how much they weigh.

How heavy. Yeah. Gets your thigh weight. Hanging them. Well, that's fun. I'm glad you had fun with Todd. Yeah, they were good shows. They were fun.

We went to the comedy fort after and saw D-Rod. Yeah, man. The legend. That was cool. Had a couple NA beer skis. Whoa. Yeah. What's your brand?

Well, they have one. Next time you're coming over for a sleepover, what should I stock? Yeah, good stock. They have one at the Fort and it's from Athletic Brewing Company which only does any beers which I didn't know

until recently. What's their thing? Most of them are really good and a couple are just okay. But the one that they had at the Fort was really good. Their stout is really good.

Like, perfect. To take you back to the days of sleeping with wives? Yeah. When I had nine of them and my dick wouldn't work? Yeah, when I had nine of them already. When I had nine of them and my dick wouldn't work.

I miss those days. Do you have nine of them? He's like, Is that in your dick still? It's where? God damn it. Call me Jordan. Yeah. God.

That's a lot. That's a handful. Yeah, man. That's good. Todd, funny, funny comic I've heard. that's a lot that's a handful uh yeah man that's uh that's good Todd uh funny funny comic I've heard

yeah he's he's funny he's one of those classic just funny dudes picks a lot of the right words or phrases he's not up there

uh a lot of the the popular comics they're all you know all sizzle yeah all fucking like

being loud swe swearing, kind of copying a few other famous comics. I don't know. I'm not talking about anyone in particular except Andrew Schultz. But other than that, just a lot of getting by with Cheap Tricks. I'm opening for Schultz. Nice. No, I'm kidding.

Tell him. Tell Tim Dillon to tell him. I love Cheap Tricks. I love Cheap Tricks. Todd Berry another comic that started doing guitar stuff

and then he's done wow what a lineage you're thinking of Stephen Lynch who always sucked and when we were younger

it was like this is brilliant how did he make the guy retarded and get away with it it's weird you're thinking of Todd Bridges

Liam no Todd Bridges. Me on... Hawaii? Bridges. Oh, will you do me a favor and tell that hilarious Aquafina joke that you whispered to me on Valentine's Day because you knew it was just for me? Well, yeah, I was telling Sam that I'd been hearing... Have you heard about this?

Aquafina? I heard that Aquafina they were trying to cancel her for black scent and I didn't know that in 2022 you could still cancel someone for how they smell you told it better you said

you said for smelling like a black guy and I went woo yeah You said for smelling like a black guy. And I went, woo! That's good. I like that. Good stuff. See, Zach doesn't do that kind of stuff on stage. He sings songs. He tells stories about growing up in rural South Dakota.

I don't sing songs really anymore. Well, I want everyone to think you sing songs so they don't go see you. Bring an acoustic guitar. Throw it on stage. I did play a two and a half minute long song fucking ten years ago and nobody will ever

let me live it down. Oh, you gotta think about that. You know what was annoying was I remember that you came on the scene you crushed

with those songs and it was like Jesus Christ like, come come on god forbid you listen to somebody tell a crafted joke instead of hearing a chorus four times i mean like i love it yeah so you know your success was annoying not your song you were kind of the bad boy when you came on the scene you smoked cigarettes you wore t-shirts that didn't cover your gut all the way do you remember that that phenomenon well that yeah you know i fluctuate a lot at my weight and uh all it takes is one wrong dry cycle and all of a sudden it's like i can't buy a new wardrobe i just have to wear

now all my clothes are two sizes too small for me yeah i just remember i have that going on right now we would be, like, doing... We did a lot of shows in, like, South Dakota and shit with Toby. Yeah. Every now and then, we'd be drinking beers, and, like, on day three, he'd just look like,

oh, there's his belly. Oh, he's doing that act out. There's his gut. Very good. Yeah, it starts peeking out the bottom, you know? You have a mostly hairless torso, which is weird, compared to your head. Yeah. You look like you should be, you know, Robin Williamsirless torso, which is weird compared to your head. Yeah.

You look like you should be, you know, Robin Williams style, just hairy as hell. No, I really got lucky on the whole body hair thing. No chest hair. You also like taking your shirt off for exactly 12 minutes a day. Remember when you told me that? You're like, 12 minutes, that's all the vitamin D you need. 15.

15, that's all you can absorb without getting a little burnt. Oh. Meanwhile, remember when we went fly fishing with Toby? Were you there? No. Oh my god, dude. We're up on, it was Claire's, right? Yeah. Yeah, so Zach's, Zach has,

yeah, Claire's is insane. Zach has this friend who, like, I don't know, human slaver, works for the cartel. Not sure how he made all his money, but he owns all this beautiful land, and he's very kind. And one time we did a show, and he got out of the hospital that day after a heart attack, and his solution was like, I'm just going to have, like, six PBRs. It's not whiskey.

I'll be fine. Well, no, he was like, he had a heart attack, and he wasn't supposed to be drinking. And for some reason, there was, like, four tall boys of hams, like, on the counter. And he comes, and he's like, oh had a heart attack and he wasn't supposed to be drinking. And for some reason there was like four tall boys of hams like on the counter. And he comes and he's like, oh, hams? Yeah. Shit, I haven't had hams in forever. And I'm like, wow, you just had a heart attack and you're going to risk your health for a fucking hams. Hell yeah.

I'm not with the boys. I might as well have a cold brew. No, Claire's the man. Literally the man. I might as well have a cold brew. Claire's the man. Literally the man. Awesome, very generous with his great land. He started from nothing and then started doing construction stuff and gradually built, you know, he's a real American story. Bootstrap.

Bootstrap guy. I grabbed the rope swing, swung out over the water, and almost fell because I could barely support, you know, hold up my own weight for five seconds. Koala style. Yeah, T-Rex swimming out there. Slammed into the tree that the rope swing was on and almost fell in after that, but just barely survived.

D. Kelly did that same thing. Yeah, D. Kelly did the same thing. He hurt his other rope. He hit it pretty hard, though. You could really hear his pop. D. doesn't have the full padding that you do. do yeah he's not shaped like the part of the bell that makes the ring the peeler yeah but yeah it was funny because we were like yeah there's a mark there when d hit it we were like it looks like you're not the first one to do that and then i was like

i guess nathan's yeah now it all makes sense. His cheeks ate the tree. I almost toppled that tree. Claire was probably like, that's a white panda. I felt bad for the tree. And the rope. But we went out to Claire's land and he's like, y'all want a four wheel and we can shoot shotguns? Hell, we can do every one out here. I'm a free man.

No one's going to take that. I don't care what BLM says, you know. Me and my boys will go right to the courthouse. So we're out there, and all day Toby's talking about how good he is at fly fishing. Tobias Livingston of Come Play With Us fame. You guys know him. You love him. You guys can't get enough Toby tales.

And so he, like, we're, you know, fishing, catching fish left and right because it's a fully stocked pond. It's one of three ponds. We're having fun. We're swimming. And Toby's a fully stocked pond. It's one of three ponds. We're having fun. We're swimming. And Toby's over there, and he finally gets his rig set up. And he goes to cast finally, and it gets caught in a tree. The fly and the hook are caught in a tree right over the head of him.

And then he spends the next three hours while we're goofing, you know, pantsing each other, drinking beers, trying to get it out of the tree and just, like, swearing to himself. I think he got it out, too, and then immediately got it right back in the tree. It's definitely not a, I don't know, he didn't pick the best spot to fly fish. No, and also he's never fly fished before. He asked his own D. He asked his own D in front of Claire, and Claire's like,

we should put a dress on him. Have this little fun. I like that your listeners know Toby is of come play with us. Oh yeah. Yeah, on the Red Salmon I used to have to fucking like, like Toby being alone. Somebody has to go with him.

You need a hand lift. Somebody has to go with him. Somebody has to tell the cashier that we're with him. like fucking somebody has to tell the cashier right that we're with him that we're taking him home his hand was there yeah

and that when there were comedians that he really did when he he said he meant come to the show right

when he said come play with us not like we're gonna tie you up yeah or it's like Toby it's like well we made 40 bucks

the last four days fellas I'm gonna go get us some gas and he goes in and he comes back with a mystery box fill for it again Tie you up. Yeah. Or it's like Toby. It's like, well, we made $40 the last four days, fellas. I'm going to go get us some gas. And he goes in and he comes back with a mystery box. Fill for it again. Start pushing. I'll get the siphon going. Claire wasn't home when we were on his property, so I didn't get to meet him.

But I remember we were having a grand old time four-wheeling and stuff and taking turns. And then Mitch Jones and Brett Heiker left together on the two four-wheelers, and they were gone for a while, so we got a little nervous. They were hooking up. No, they weren't hooked up or whatever. Mitch took Heiker by force. Mitch got hungry. Yeah, he ate the four-wheeler.

So we went out. I guess there was a third four-wheeler that we used to go. Did that hog and those hands finally linked up? Oh, it did, yeah. Hiker's dick and Mitch's hands.

It finally looks normal. He's like, so this is what it's like for everybody else. Mitch is tying it in a knot. He gets it caught in the tree like Toby. Mitch just rips it in a knot he gets it caught in a tree like Toby Mitch just rips it in half

like a phone book yeah bifurcated I went to find them and go over a hill and I see that they are petting horses they were petting wild horses it was hilarious

they're not wild but I love that They were petting wild horses. It was hilarious. They're not wild, but I love that Nathan thinks they were wild horses. Like, yeah, you know, wild horses, the kind you can just walk up and pet. Yeah, sure.

They have Claire's spray paint put on the side of them. Wow. Weren't we told that they probably wouldn't come up to us? I don't know. It doesn't matter,

but it was funny to see Mitch petting a horse. Yeah, he petted it to death. He's like Lenny. They just told people that the horses may not come up to Mitch. They don't like other horses. That's an inter-prey relationship. They know what he could do to them.

They fear the stallion. I remember that first show. I think it was the Firehouse was the first time I ever met Claire. And I met him before the show, and he was like this cool man. And I remember going on stage and just being like, all right, if I can get Claire to like me, I've done my job. And then after the show, he was like, damn, boy, yeah, fucking hoot! Or some, you know, strange prairie talk. Yeah, because people in South Dakota actually speak non-regional diction, but you give them like a retinue.

God damn. Oh, God, geez. Holy jeez. Well, he does have a little twang on the end of his stuff. I don't think he's got it. If you wear that tight of Wranglers for that long, you get a little bit of boo in your vocab. My leg's been asleep since 89. Yeah.

Of course I'm going to talk a little special. Of course I'm going to talk a little special. Now that fucking show where Sam's like, I'm three years into comedy. Two years in maybe. Sam's like, it's your hometown, your people. He's like, you need to headline the show. Everybody's here to see you.

I'm like, I don't want to follow you, Sam. He's like, don't worry. I've got a lot of new stuff that I've been working on. I'm not going to do the hits or anything. I'm just going to do this new stuff and you'll be fine or whatever. The hits from year one. And then Sam goes up there

and just does... I've been watching him on tour for 10 days. He literally does the best set that he's done. He does the most material, least amount of crowd work. He's like really... Gives it up for the troops. I mean, he pulls every trick out.

And then I'm like, what? I close on Sable Horse riding a cowboy. You know, closes, he just fucking kills and then he's walking upstage and I'm like, fuck you, and he's like, sorry, man, I just needed this to feel alive. No.

No, he said some shit where you were like, these are the shows that I live for or something like that. I've never said that before in my life. It was something like that. It was some asshole thing, though, where it was like, fuck you, I had to get mine because we had literally, like, we had had some shitty shows before. Oh, yeah.

And it was like a good room, and you were like, yeah, I had to just get the charge back. I can't remember how you did it. Well, I apologize. That sounds shitty. Well, no. I went up and did my song, and people were like, that's way funnier than singing it. You did a medley of your hit.

Yeah, dude. I went up there. I fucking, yeah. No, so I mean, that's why it says on my bio that Sam T. features for me. Yeah. Those are fun shows. We're going back up there June what? 17th and 18th.

Lund, are you going to do that? I am. Sick. Yeah, he was one of the... Because yeah, Mitch couldn't do it. Lund couldn't do it. You couldn't do it. There was some stuff with the venues where it was just easier. Could any black people or women do it? Yeah, no.

I was asking Nancy to come back to headline, but she's booked already. You got Miss K going up there? Yeah, Miss K will be there. I hit Janae up. I'm like, Janae, are you going to have a baby by then? What's going on? Are you still doing comedy? She said Are you going to have a baby by then? What's going on? Are you still doing comedy? She said she's going to get back to me.

I hit Borey up to come back, and he hasn't gotten back to me yet. Makes sense. But... I buried his ass last year. I mean, those shows we did in that weird speakeasy basement at the festival. What's it called again? Black Hills? Black Hills Comedy Festival.

I mean, those shows, dude. I was eating eggs on stage. Oh, yeah Hills Comedy Festival. Yeah, I mean, those shows, dude. I was eating eggs on stage. Uncooked eggs, dude. Sam almost vomited in the trash can the last night. He literally had a trash can where he was like, like, you know when you start salivating a lot? He looked like a rabid

dog up there. Like, he was just drooling into this trash can because he'd been smoking liquor. Oh, yeah! Smoking liquor and drinking eggs. Dude. I remember it. Eating fire.

I forgot about that. You know, the mixologist was like, you want to try the secret stock? And I was like, what is it? And then he just fucking vaporized some, like, like 151 or something, like Everclear. Then he'd suck it through a straw so you're just huffing

airplane fuel effectively. And then I went and hopped on stage and I was like, hit me with the eggs! And they're throwing eggs at me, I'm biting into them. I didn't think you could bite into an egg. Yeah, he thought he would just hold them in his mouth like a goose. Like that the pressure

would distribute in a way that the shell would support it. he just bit into an egg they loved it they couldn't get enough of it man no it was fucking madness it's like literally one of the only festivals where i think like after the on the last night the people were like we're gonna come to the open mic yeah because we want to see this guy do whatever he's going to do. I had so much pressure. I had to go up after all the headliners and stuff. I hate that.

I hate how nervous I get before I go up. I still haven't, dude. Every time? Every time I'm nervous. Every time the ten minutes before I go on stage, I'm pacing. That's what's the toughest part about not smoking cigs is that was when I'd go outside and really huff them down. And that's what's the toughest part about not smoking cigs, is that was when I'd go outside and really huff them down.

I'd get so nervous. Because now I'm in a weird stage in my career where people expect me to be good. Because, I don't know, I still have that version of my head as a third-year comic. It's weird. That's when I have my anxiety, too, is the ten minutes right before I go on stage. Because you hear the crowd and you're about to step out into the gauntlet. And you're like, there's still a part of everybody's brain that's like, what the fuck are you doing?

This is 2022. People can't have a four-second attention span. You're going to go talk to them for a fucking hour? Yeah. And also, I don't have an act right now. Yeah. So, like, I'm putting even more fucking pressure on myself to go out there Well, I mean, some things never change, you know? Well, correct, I'm putting even more fucking pressure on myself to go out there and listen around. Well, I mean, some things have changed, you know. Well, correct.

Yeah. So, since last time we talked, you were opening for Todd. Yeah. And I was out in doing the Illinois tour. Shout out to the people of Bloomington Normal. You guys were great. Davenport was great. Chicago, we sold 170 tickets on a Wednesday.

That felt really good. That's great. But then we get to Peoria. Oh, that's like the club. Jukebox Comedy Club. What else is there to do in Peoria? I don't know. Go to the prison and visit your husband.

Put him on the class. Put him on the class. Yeah, push him up there like Alex's girlfriend. Hey, Alex. She said she doesn't have him. Why don't you prove it? Get in the DMs. No, Logan.

Logan. Yeah. Hey, Logie Logan. So the first show, we almost sell out. It's great. I do all, you know, there's a guy up front who looks kind of like me. He has a western shirt on and he's wearing Monarchs. Right away, you're from the future, here to warn me.

Riff on his ass the entire time. Like, 50 minutes, it was crushing. Second show, eight people. What the fuck? All the other, no, they shouldn't have done it. They should have canceled it. Yeah. Eight people. All the fuck? All the other people. No, they shouldn't have done it. They should have canceled it. Yeah. Eight people, all the comics.

Shout out Beef. Shout out Boxman. Shout out... What? There was a guy who went on Party Box. This kid Heath. He was really funny. Great bunch of comics.

This Beef kid's going to be super funny. But Donnie Townsend gets fucking wasted. He does... He's supposed to do 15. He does 27. Bombs. Fuck you, Donnie. But you got to get your shit together, brother.

He's pulling a mopper. Oh my god, he's I could have mopped the stage with him. Did we already do the show? Yeah. Or are we on our way to the show? So there's eight people there and all the comics are in the green room, literally doing cocaine, just like right by the stage. It was sick. It was like real, like I felt, you know, it's Peoria.

This is what you train for. We're in Peoria. Yeah. A little euphoria in Peoria. Oh, yeah, they were all underage. But I had to go on stage and do a show for eight people, and while the host is on stage, the guy who owns it comes up to me, and he's like, we don't have to do the show.

And I'm like, what do you mean? He's on stage. Yeah. The guy's on stage right now. What do you mean we don't have to do the show? Yeah, what are you talking about? You know? So that was a fucking bloodbath.

And then what else? Oh, so here's what I wanted to talk about. Last night, I did Providence with Tim. Shout out to the good people of Maine and Providence. Had fun. Stayed in all the fucking mansions in Newberry. Great time. Did you have a beef?

Did I have a beef? North Shore beef? No, I didn't. We used to eat seafood. It's all seafood all the time. Oh, wait. Newberry, I'm thinking... That's not Massachusetts?

You might be thinking Newberry, Connecticut or Newberry Comics. Connecticut. We're out... This is where, like, Jay Leno has a fucking $20 million mansion. It's where the Kennedy's house was. Like, it's the most opulence I've ever seen in my entire life. Like, I've never seen money like this. All along the coast.

The Breakers is there, the most famous house in the United States. They filmed the Gilded Age there, like it's insane. Tim's driving around smoking cigarettes, throwing stuffed clams at cars, like we're having fun. What are those called? Stuffies. Yeah, he ordered too many stuffies with his aunt. Oh dude, his uncle was really funny, this guy

Steve. Stuffies is a sex act too, isn't it? Probably, I don't know, I'm not a homo like you. God. God. That's why Tim ordered eight. Tim's uncle, he was like, oh, yeah, and then he got all these people on pontoon boats. Hell on earth.

And I laughed at him, and I was like, all my wife wanted for her birthday was a pontoon boat, and he's like, suicide's an option. So that was fun. This old guy riffing it. Suicide is painless. Yes. But, so anyway, do the shows. I can't fly out on Providence because they cancel all the flights for this

fucking thing, so this storm. So I flew out last night at 10.30 from Boston. Took a fucking $170 Uber drive from Providence to Boston. You had to grease the wheel. I had to tip the guy $100 because he was connected, you know. I didn't want... He said his best friend's name was Joey Badway,

and he was an enforcer for the Gumagapi family, you know? The fucking stuffed crust family up there. The shells and cheese family. I didn't hear any of those names. They could throw all over me. What? Yeah, he's like, it's all different now. The kid's got guns in the car.

They're all hopped up on THC pills. I'm like, just please drive. Get to the airport. Pop a Xanax. Four and a half hour flight. All right. Smoke my weed pen in the bathroom. Take one shot of whiskey at the bar.

It's nap time. I got a perfect recipe to go immediately to bed. I'm on the aisle because I got the last ticket out of Boston that night, 1030. I'm glad I'm not in the middle. I'm on the aisle. Guy next to me is a little Jeff Strickler type. Remember Strickler? Yeah.

Yeah. Looks just like Strickler, all right? There's a woman on the inside on the window. She doesn't want anything to do with him. He orders a double rum and Coke right away. All right, I get it, brother. He has four boys. I'm scared to fly, too, brother. He has four boys. I'm scared to fly, too.

Yeah. He has four boys. They're all sitting on the aisle, on the opposite side of the aisle from me. One, two, three, four. And the seats all in a row. Ducks in a row. So, I nod off, of course. Bedtime. Stoked. Yeah, I'm out. He's got to pee a lot, man. He nudges me. Yeah. I wake up. He says, hey, she's got to get out. She's like, what? He's like, didn't you say you had to get out? She has her headphones in. She's like, no.

And he's like, well, I got to get out. I'm like, all right. So I get up without saying anything. I get up. He goes in the back, goes in the bathroom. I'm standing up, you know, nodding off. He comes out. I'm like, cool.

Wait for him to get in. Goes in the back. I'm in the very back row. Turns around. Hey, can I get a double rum and coke? They're like, cool. Wait for him to get in. Goes in the back. I'm in the very back row. Turns around. Hey, can I get a double rum and coke? They're like, sure. You know what? It's on us.

Gets the rum and coke. Comes and sits back down. I nod off again. It was on them? Yeah. Yeah. They were like, yeah, it's fine, you know? What are you flying?

United. Wow. Yeah. So anyway, get nudged again. Come out of it. Ah! You know? He's like, I got to get out Come out of it. You know? He's like, I got to get out.

And I say, do you? And he says, yeah, yeah, I got to get out again. And I was like, okay. I get up. He does the same thing. Bathroom. Gets a double rum and coke. He's talking with the girls now.

I say, hey, man, you want to sit down? I'm trying to go back to bed. He says, sure. He sits back down. I say, hey, do you want any of your sons to come sit here? Like, I could switch seats with them. We want one of the boys to come over. And he says, hey, boys, you all want to come sit next to me? All four of them. No. And I said, brutal. Brutal. Go back to bed. He tries to wake me up again.

I feel the nudge. Don't open up. What's he do? Under the rib poke! He jibed me! He buried the fingies in the brisket! Christ, spear! Yes!

Yeah! I got the stigmata! Wild! Yeah, I wake up, I say... Finger to full! He fingered the full. He got in the flaps. Checked me for gills.

I said, dude, do not poke me. And he said, I got to get up again. And I said, you're not getting up again. I said, you're not getting up again. Bathroom's closed. He said, no, I got to get up, man. I was like, dude, this is your last time. The boys are looking at me now.

And I said, no one? No one wants to move over here? I'm in the back of the plane. Everyone else is asleep. And they're like, no, no, I don't want to sit there. So he goes. He goes in the bathroom. I'm standing on the other side of the door between the women who serve the liquor and the bathroom.

He goes. He turns to get another rum and coke. I'm standing there. He says, I need to get back there. I said, you got to sit down. He goes. He sits down. Flight lands.

I'm awake for the last two and a half hours. He's fucking wasted. At one point he turns to me and says, so you're going to Denver for work or pleasure? I turn to him and just shake my head, just silent head shake. Yeah, uh-uh. So that was my time. Landed last night, 2 a.m., here we are now, we got some sushi. Wanted to crush him.

I've been that guy. Do you have to piss after every drink that you... The piss was a smokescreen. He wanted more liquor. So I used to be... Well, he should have just summoned the lady over with the... I know. Yeah, you can order drinks. I used to be on a diuretic or whatever that made me

have to fucking piss all the time and it drove my friends nuts because as soon as I'd start drinking, I'd literally have to piss. I remember you peeing. Yeah, I'd have to piss like every 20 fucking minutes. And it's just like, yeah. So, I mean, I was on a flight once where like, yeah, I had to ask somebody to move. Because it was a flight where I was like, I'm getting fucked up on this flight. Sure.

And, yeah, I had to ask somebody to move like 10 times. And they wanted, but it wasn't a night flight. It wasn't like they were fucking asleep. It's red-eye, baby. I'm going down. Your boys don't want to sit next to your drunk little strickler ass. Yeah. You fucking terabyte of child porn looking motherfucker.

Well, no, and I think at that point, I would have just been like, so, are you their father? Can you tell? Because if they were my kids, I'd be like, hey, daddy's got to piss, daddy's got to drink, get your fucking ass over here. I'm paying the bills, you know? I did not. I didn't hit him with any of that. I just said brutal very loudly, and I said, you don't have to pee.

You're not getting up. You don't think he was peeing at all? He went in there. Who knows what he was doing? He was really snapping the fingers. You know, but I mean, I've been that guy. I fucking, back when I used to. I would have bounced your head off the back of the seat.

If it was you, someone I know and care about, I would have fed you to your fucking tray table. I wanted to fuck him. In front of his boys. I did. I wanted to pants him and plow him. You wanted to take everything. Yes! Do you have to pee now? For the listeners at home, Sam, when he said he would do, was describing what he would do to me, he looked at me with a savage

intensity that kind of gave me, you scared me a little bit. Like when Mitch was petting that horse. He was like, you don't know what i could do to you yeah you know i dude i was so fucking pissed no we went on a road trip once where we went to albuquerque to do some shows back when i did music and my buddy like refused to stop for me at one point and i'm like dude this isn't cool like i have to fucking like and then and then yeah it literally got to a point where everybody was like, fine, Zach can pee in the car in bottles because we're done stopping for him.

So I'm, like, peeing with a full car of people in the middle. You were doing hip-hop shows, right? You were a rapist. Yeah, I was rapping down in Albuquerque. Down there in ABQ. Yo, it's me, Zach. I got long hair. Don't care. I got a's me, Zach. I got long hair. Don't care.

I got a urinary tract infection. This is my infection. Yeah. Yep. That was my son. You were so annoying. You did hip hop and then musical comedy. Breaks like six.

And we didn't beat the shit out of you. You were drunk on whiskey all the time. Yeah. I remember when I did whiskeykey and Cigarettes. That was Becker's first pod. Yeah. Yeah. Becker got warmed up.

When I did the pod, they played a clip. We did 180-some episodes. They played a clip, and I was like, I thought it wasn't funny at all, and I was like, who the fuck was that? And they were like, Brad Williams. He's about to be in town. And I was like, oh, cool. Shout out, Brad Williams, he's about to be in town. And I was like, oh, cool. Shout out, Brad.

Yeah, and you and Brown and Becker would just be chain smoking and fucking chugging booze. It was the middle of the day. Yeah, but you were smoking and chugging booze back then, too. You were a fucking degenerate. You slept on a fucking mattress with one at that point. I mean, that's being an artist.

I was an artist. You were an artist. You were a's out of an artist's hand. You were an artist. You were a rapper. What was your rap name? Oh, I had a bunch. Okay, what's the... Zach M. Yeah.

Box Johnson was one of them. Ample Thief was another one. No, no. Benchmark was another one. Benchmark's not bad. It was another one. What? Getting involved.

But, yeah, that was my, those were all my things. And then eventually I was going by Cowboy Zach. Cowboy Zach. Which is funny because there's still a lot of, like, if, like, I'm going to see some old friends on this tour that, like, I used to be, like, a homeless musician with in San Francisco. They all call me, they all called me Cowboy. Cowboy Zach, the hip-hop hack. Thanks for doing my part.

I'm going to call you Plowboy. Do you already plug the Seattle dates? Eureka? Seattle, Eureka. Brett Heiker and I are doing a tour from... Oh, Heiker. And Heiker's got it. He's got a good one. You don't know about this? It's his only credit. He's been gone. And I haven't

seen it. Oh, he's fucking cleaned more pipes than a guy who cleans pipes for a living. Than Master Pipe Cleaner back in. He swept more chimneys than Chimney Suite. My show, The Alamo, is back as well. Oh yeah, that's a good

show. Yeah, it's going every other Wednesday. The next one's March 9th. Barfly. Yeah, Barfly attached to the Sloan's Alamo, and that's a good show. I'll probably have Sam and Nathan on here soon. Yeah, let them drive back up. I know one doesn't want to drive up here. He just wants to sit in a moderate temperature until he

dies. I'm just trying to survive out there, man. You're like an Iberico Am. Yeah, I have to go get my hangover meds. Tell him your Instagram or whatever. At Moss Comedy. M-A-A-S.

It's like ass with two A's. Yes, at Moss Comedy. Check him out. Lunn, you got anything to plug? Denver, I am coming back against my will seven days from today. No. We rescheduled 51st Jokes for next Friday, March 4th. Me and Bukley are hosting because Sam bailed.

It'll be a good time. It's a great show. I'll be rested and battle tested in a week's time. I'll be ready to come back up here and do a good job. Let's do it, baby. 50 comics telling a brand new joke.

It's a great show. I'm glad we're doing it. Thanks to Karen Wachtel for bringing it back. Well, no, but it's good to plug her. Yeah, I bet it is. Is she married? Shut up.

I'll be Thursday, March 3rd, Hotel Boulderado. Two shows. Get tickets. The first one's sold out. Noah Reynolds is opening. Come see the cat

get in the bag. The 4th and 5th, I'll be in Vegas. Might not do any shows. Might do the Dirty at 1230. Probably not. Bachelor Party. Shout out, Mel.

Sunday, March 6th, Petaluma California the Roaring Donkey alright get tickets to that I don't know what the fuck's going on

the 11th you plugged a bachelor party yeah the Roaring Donkey Petaluma the 11th and 12th I am at the

Denver Comedy Lounge no no Denver Comedy Underground right there on 14th which is fucking I was there last weekend it is one of the best rooms

in the fucking city. Hiker said it was bad. I love it. It's fucking really good. Well, Hiker did his act. Of course it was bad. Yeah, the 11th and 12th of March, Denver.

Denver Comedy Underground. Come get tickets to those shows. And then the 17th, 18th, and 19th of March, I'm at Comedy on State. Come out to that. That's going to be

fucking huge. Yeah. And then the 20th, 21st, 23rd, I'm at Comedy on State. Come out to that. That's going to be fucking huge. Yeah. And then the 20th, 21st, 23rd, I'm in Key West, Florida. Come out to that. Key West Comedy Club. And then the 26th, I'll be right here in Denver, Colorado, opening for Tim Dillon's taping at the Paramount Theater.

Two shows. They're probably sold out. And then it's off to Europe, baby. Thank you for listening to the pod. Get on the Patreon. Chubby Behemoth on Patreon Great episodes Had a real wacky one We're gonna have Pat Militech on our fucking pod

Okay You know about him? No He's the He teaches the Militech fighting system He's a legendary brawler and cage fighter Out there in Davenport Cool

Sick dude He's a fan Love y'all Thank you It's like a dig up till you hiccup That's a fan. Love y'all. Thank you. Suck a dick up till you hiccup. That's a Cowboy Zack lyric. Ha ha ha ha.