Chubby Behemoth - SWAPcast- Pinch Fibbingwith the Doug Stanhope Podcast

Episode Date: August 19, 2020

The boys are on The Doug Stanhope Podcast this week.                 Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth.

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast lun can you hear us yeah you guys sound good lun tracy's here too hi hi there we go all right that works you look kind of wet Nathan It's hot man I have that box fan on I don't want to have it on because I'm sure it would be loud Yeah that's going to be the issue with this It would not help

That's the only audio issue That I perceive Do you guys use video at all? Rarely. Patreon's. Swapcasts. Yeah, we're not going to start doing video for you. All right.

We already started. Yeah, we are started. What's the name of your podcast? Because this is a Swapcast with the Doug Stano podcast and... Chubby Behemoth. The new hit podcast coming out of Denver, Colorado, starring Sam Tallent and his friend. Nathan Lund.

I knew I knew that name. And then when I saw your face, I go, oh, I definitely know that face. I mean, it's not the one we're seeing, but it's your default picture on Skype. Right, yeah. Yeah, I looked like that for a while. I think last time we worked together at the Oriental. Oh, so you did get a guest set there. I just looked up your name in my old email.

Did you get the email I just sent you? No. You asked for a set in Reno in 2008 and I didn't reply, so I just replied now. We actually talked on MySpace. We

ended up connecting on MySpace. I opened for you at the Zephyr in Reno and you hadn't done stand-up for a couple of months. Alright. That was the first time we met was thanks to MySpace. Are you logging back into your MySpace?

What are you doing? No, I was looking for that email. But that's probably an old email. Yeah, I'm sure you sent it to like, go Wolfpack UNR class of, what was it, 1987? Yeah, fuck UNLV class of 1998. No. But you used to live in Reno? Yeah, I went to college there. So I was up there 2000 to 2004. And then I just hit you up when I saw you were going to be in Reno because I figured it was a cheap flight from Vegas. I fucking love Reno, but the crowds there. The last time I think it was my 50th birthday. I played there Reno, but the crowds there, the last time, I think it was

my 50th birthday I played there, and it was great, but otherwise, every other time we played Reno was fucking atrocious. Yeah, I could see that. I didn't do much stand-up there. You know, I didn't do it until after I graduated college, but

yeah, it's just college kids and then cowboys or like you know locals deadbeats you had a lot of fun in reno though you would come out of blackouts being hosed down by police college yeah the college experience was good a lot of drinking and uh yeah assault and then a little yeah those cops were not were not gentle. I did black out. I got kicked out of a bar. Oh, man, that was a whole nightmare. I was at a vice principal's retirement party because I worked at a middle school.

And I got too drunk. And I, like, was flirting with a girl. And then she said something and I, like, pushed her face a little. And everybody, everybody. You pushed her face? I pushed it a little, like jokingly but also i was drunk so and i didn't know her so like everybody got pissed at me and then i the the guy that was retiring wanted to fight me and i we almost got into it that's right she was there it was the time

it was a teacher but but uh it's better One of our frontline heroes. You hand assault at her face. Yeah, I got in trouble there. Yeah, it was not a good look. Nathan Lund says he pushes a girl's face. And the host laughs. Yeah, I thought you were doing the safety. I thought you were saying two points yeah almost as good as if i would have kicked the field goal but uh yeah i

ended up wandering the streets of of reno for a couple hours and then a cop picked me up and they they took me to the drunk tank and hosed me off because I had shit myself and so and I came to to them hosing me down and like laughing at me you can't even get that done for you at a at a five-star hotel yeah they walked yeah the next day they you know they gave me my freshly laundered clothes I thought I was gonna have to like you know throw everything away except for like the shirt and pull it down low and walk home. They had to do they had to do my laundry. They should have made you walk back Winnie the Pooh style. Yeah. Yeah. Just having to wear my shirt as pants, you know, because it was the only thing I caked and shit.

So a word on the street is you don't drink anymore yeah that's yeah that's one of the stories that led me to eventually quit drinking decades later it was only 14 years later right yeah i almost quit drinking several times and then it finally stuck uh spent almost four years are you one of those drunks that none of your friends try to talk you off the wagon? Oh, I'm always trying to get him to drink, dude. I'm constantly trying to get him to drink. We used to have so much fun together.

We still do. I'll watch him do puzzles or whatever. I'll watch him complain on Facebook Live. But no, yeah, I always want him to start drinking again. And he won't because he's strong or whatever. Well, we had a lot of fun, but I don't remember a lot of that fun. You know, it's secondhand fun that I was there for. So that was part, you know, I mean, it was a good time, but I felt like it was just man.

It was just turning into a real nightmare to deal with the hangovers every day and like trying to do a bunch of stand upup while feeling like shit i don't know how you guys do it yeah you say real nightmare i say the time of my life you want your shirt off dancing in the squire and girls saying you were too sticky to touch yeah no i'm glad glad for pickles adam oh yeah slices we go by we buy lunchables and whip the meat at his bare nude body. McDonald's pickles. Yeah, we're making a lot of money that way, but yeah, I'm glad we did it,

but also glad to move on. I don't know. Well, as long as you're happy, we're happy if you're happy. Fuck that. I want your own gun back. Sam selfishly wants the party.

Yeah, I don't know. I still like smoking weed and doing mushrooms and acid and still have a good time. He also went through a real manic period where he was pulling knives on our crowds. He was completely batshit. He was climbing trees and pulling knives on the crowd and that was a lot of fun yeah yeah on stage man yeah yeah yeah there was a couple of months where i was real feral and uh and luckily people i don't know people got scared and talked about trying to get me to go to a hospital or something, but it didn't happen. And I was able to come out of it. Just kind of that nurse hostage.

One of my demands was that I not be arrested. And so that worked out. Yeah, no, you're doing good, Lon. I'm happy for you, man. Not. And you're in Denver. Yeah. Yeah. Me and Nathan used to live, we lived within 40 feet of each other forever. We shared a bed for like a year.

Not in a fun way, just in a fun way. Out of necessity yeah hardship we shared everything and saved a few bucks that summer yeah that's the thing if you're not a drunk

I can't count the amount of guests said I drove all the way from wherever well just fucking sleep in the bed if you don't care. I don't give a fuck. But that's because you're passing out. Yeah.

No one's giving curious fingers when you're blackout drunk. And you don't give a shit how sticky the guy next to you is. He's going to be gone at 6 a.m. Or he fucking better be. Or he won't work in this business again. But, yeah, I would assume that's tougher to deal with a sober guy. Well, also, Lund's about, you know, 280. And, you know, I'm the massive shit you've been calling me since I got here.

So I think I've been calling you fat every night when I well, we've been getting high, too. We have. It's weird. High makes me happier, but still more abusive, but with a big smile. You're like if your dad has a good job and he beats you as opposed to if he like you know works in the mines or something it's like you're coming home from a fortune 500 company yeah yeah stone stanhope is pretty great man a lot of uh wide-eyed bewilderment and just grinning, as opposed to rallying against the Jews when he's drunk.

I'm not saying it. Hollywood. Rallying or railing? You've been rallying. Rallying against the Jews? Yeah, remember you got your car out and you did laps around the flag of Israel? Doesn't even make sense. You were right.

Yeah, Sam says a lot of weird. Instead of saying wandering, like if you don't know where you're at in a new town and you wander around, he says wonder, like wonderful. He says, oh, I wandered around for a little bit. I'm like, no, you didn't. What are you talking about? It's two different words. I was walking around with wonder. No, no.

I was enchanted by my new uh surroundings i thought it was dude i was so dumb i thought it was pizza hot until i was like 22 years old just so busy that he can't like look at the sign in his you know there's like four things where he grew up and he didn't know the name of one of the four things that always that always gets me like what you're so so busy you know excelling in high school and thriving that you didn't know i'd go into pizza hut so excited that i didn't have time to read the sign i'm shoving all ladies out of the way to get to the lunch buffet and then i walk out of there with sodium blindness from downing seven pies in an hour it was no surprise I couldn't read.

I wish he fucked up that much in his book. I would be calling him all the time. I'm glad. You put pizza hot. I did my father. He was at one point deliberately looking for mistakes.

He was just so mad at how good it was i'm glad he didn't find it i'm sure i've probably said this but i was looking for all the ways that guy couldn't be me yeah and yeah i said that he has kids yeah and he does he's always looking for coke yeah and yeah he drinks in a park like who fucking drinks in a park who goes to a park it's just terrible he has kids and is looking for coke and you're always looking for kids after your show because i'm all coked up because i brought my own yeah i'll meet you at the border yeah i wrote a book too it's called sticking to your time and i don't know

it's not it's not it's not as wild of a ride you know it's more even keeled how long have you been sitting on that i came up with it like an hour and a half ago i thought you were gonna say sticking to to Nathan Lund. Sticking, sticking nickels. There used to be an after hours bar in Denver and we'd get all tore up and go down there and drink until like 4am. And Len would either get laid or want to fight like a 17 year old boy. That was a wild spot, man.

Yeah. There was all kinds of weird shit going on in there. Have you, have you two ever had a beef? You and this kid, Sam Talent? We didn't like each other immediately because I think we were both like the big funny guy, you know, the smart, you know, a bunch of bunch of references that a lot of people didn't get. So at first it was like, oh, good.

Another fucking giant. And we kept getting mistaken for each other, which was insane. He's like six inches taller than me. He's like a whole. Yeah, he's funny, likable. I'm none of those things. But we both had long hair, so everybody confused us for each other. But pretty quick, we started talking more,

and we eventually started hanging out a lot we should have tried to build a switch on our wives yeah we know yeah we never really used it for any gain it was always just like trapped it was just some idiot at a bar that would be like man you're fucking hilarious you got that one thing where you rhyme a bunch and i'm like that's fucking sam i i get that all the time with both uh andy and becker actually a lot of people no not that we look alike but we'd get off stage and they give me credit in front of like andy for a joke that he did and after he just died a miserable fucking death

not only does he not get any kind of niceties from the audience the things he did say that were funny I get the credit I love that go ahead well I was going to say at Lucha Libre and Laughs

when we do the wrestling show we people don't realize that we that we're both talking so a lot of i think some people attribute everything to sam it's like some of that shit was me damn it yeah we gotta we gotta try and stand out more vocally he was just talking about jeff tate and how jeff tate didn't like him at first and i wonder if he has chaley syndrome where everyone uh doesn't like uh mr fucking big words here yeah he's a lot well and and he also was uh you know sam was doing improv more than stand-up at first like when i first moved to denver yeah so that that made me be like uh i guess we're not going to be that close but we and and then you know we all we all would go to this open mic at

the squire and it was a party it was very like packed and loud and and you could you could maybe get a good set now and then you know get everybody to shut up and listen but but it was hard and sam didn't really get into it like some of us did so he wasn't going there for a while i didn't know how much everyone was getting laid at the squire that was the issue i don't know if you had a good set you got you know blown by a lady who looked like she was in the runaways yeah it was worth it that's why we were all there was that of. You should have told me that instead of like, no, we're working on our craft, man. This is where you go to get good. But you look like him. You'd like ruin his game.

Oh, yeah, I know. They'd think it was you or, you know, they'd get the mix up. Yeah, well, yeah, this one we could have done it. It was Henry Phillips was the original one when we both had long hair in the mid-90s in L.A. And he was like a guitar act. If you don't know Henry Phillips, for the listener, yeah, he does, like, funny folk songs, and he's the softest touch kid, but we kind of looked alike.

So he would get shit after a show at the improv. Like, those are not, like, a road show. There's, like, 80 comics that go up as long as there's an audience so people would come up to me and tell me how great my songs were and then fucking revile yeah like you were disgusting you took a shit in the kitchen henry what's he doing now is he still around he of gave up. He's just directing award-winning films. He kind of fell on hard times, you know.

Yeah. Oh, good for him. Oh, it's good, that YouTube thing. The new one. Oh, fuck, I don't know the name of it. The Highwayman. Highwayman. Highwayman on YouTube. Yeah, it's episodic yeah steve gillespie was

in a couple episodes and dave wait he really scraped the bottom of the barrel to get some actors another guy that i was just thinking of that looks or did look at least like uh jeff tate yeah and they were both cincinnati guys. They both came here. I think it's because Dave, well, no, Jeff takes himself so seriously, but then he's wearing like a raccoon hat with ears on it and fingerless gloves. And it's like, oh, you're like a. Coolot jeans with crazy patches. Right.

It's like, oh, you're the guy I'm supposed to like fear and revere. And you're dressed like you're going to an anime convention. You're going to make me a balloon animal now? Yeah. I want to sew it. like you're going to an anime convention you're gonna make me a balloon animal now yeah on the on the last couple pods we've been talking about baxley lund and how much we all cared about him oh yeah yeah we loved him and and then then he he wanted to get paid to do our show when he didn't do a set. It ruled. He was a good guy to come up under because he was so funny and could drink and hang out.

I told him I didn't have a note. What? Go ahead. We would all get drunk and listen to Troy for sure, you know, for a long time. I didn't have like a good opener that I liked, and he was like, fuck up your name.

And I was like, what do you mean? He was like, say a different name. Say like Nathan Bund. And I started doing it. I was like, oh, it sounds good, Troy. I'm going to be just like you, fucking up my own last name. How'd that hit in Gillette, Wyoming? It was pretty solid.

They didn't like it the second time, though. They didn't like the callback. Man, one time we were at a festival in Denver, and this is when Lunn was still drinking, and we weren't getting paid for anything so we just drank all the beers in the green room and I think it was a four o'clock show and Nathan was closing and he came out with his shirt

off and he held his shirt in the air he's all dripping you know wet yeah he's you know nude he says does this shirt make me look fat yeah that was my opener for a little bit but that was a not a not one that you want to become known for i really miss those days of when you're a young

comic and the audience was there to see comedy and not you so you could just do fucking anything oh yeah eat a whole fucking meal on stage. Come out with your shirt off and hold it in the air drunkenly. Yeah, that was the last time you ate a whole meal, too. You feel like there's an expectation that you have to meet because your fans know everything you've

ever said. And yeah, that's pretty tough. That comes into play, like when everyone put out their first cd oh that's the first like 10 years of my act and now everyone has to be good but the the the other problem is yeah that first 10 years of your act you never had to change your fucking act that's the sophomore slump with bands they spent 10 years crafting their first album and then they go tour and they make some money

or they get out there and then go back in the studio it's like now do that you have uh eight weeks yep the point is once once you put it out uh you're usually putting out your first cd because you've now got some kind of draw that's gonna buy it yeah so yeah for that first 10 years you're usually putting out your first CD because you've now got some kind of draw that's going to buy it. Yeah. So yeah, for that first 10 years, you're just fucking off and taking off your shirt and eating spaghetti on

stage or getting hammered. I got down, man. Eat spaghetti on stage. Now you've got an opener, bud. What was your drink on stage, Nathan?

12. Yeah. Just, yeah. Just the, all of the beers that were free. I don't know. I would do whiskey sometimes, but usually I would I would do beer. And I got sick of I got sick of drinking anything on stage after a while because it just is distracting to me. And I hate when people try to yell shit out and i feel like every time you take a drink somebody's just like ready to yell some dumb shit so i i uh at some point i switched from beer and shots like i think my first four you know recordings i'm saying yeah

can i get another miller light and a shot of jagermeister yeah what about those guys who take fake shots on stage i've done that where the there were one night as uh tjs in mancato i remember legendarily where they just relentlessly send shots to the stage and they didn't care what your material was they wanted to see how fucked up you got well it's one thing though if the crowd sending you shots that's what i'm talking about i'm talking about the guy who's like let's take shots and he's drinking iced tea the entire time but he has 12 shots on stage yeah yeah so that hopefully he can sell more liquor so the club's happy and then b also sell merch at the end and probably finger bang someone who's blackout drunk

uh yeah i've never ordered fake shots but i've said hey if they get relentless fuck them take their money yeah we got to the point though where it's like uh oh uh bob doug's on uh that someone in the audience wants to i know there's no sending we don't do that anymore there's no sending because then it's someone else goes oh let's send him a triple whiskey and then the jaeger someone comes to the stage oh yeah let's send him a triple whiskey. And then the Jager, someone comes to the stage. Oh, yeah. Then I went through a period where I just, like, I said no more of these. And then who's broke and doesn't have a.

But again, it just turned into a big time killer. And an opening for them to get. And the waitress goes up right in the middle of a setup. Oh, yeah. Or blows the timing. So, yeah, it it doesn't pay off. I mean, when you're young,

free drinks. Oh, when me and Lund would go on the road and do like Brant Tobler shows in Wyoming, man, do you remember that? Remember what is it? Retard night that night?

No, but Lund and I had a thing where, uh, you would like open, you know, like if Lund went on first, I would go up after him. We were like, what is it? Retard night?

You know, because everyone would laugh because they laughed at him. Do you remember the night when we were both like wasted and we made a bet with each other who could say it more during their set? And I was open. Do you remember that? No. Yeah. Okay. Well, yeah, we were like wasted.

And I said it like seven times during my set. And whoever said it more got 50 bucks. And then you proceeded to say it probably 40 times in your hour. Oh, boy. Dude, it was one of my favorite nights out there. That's another thing. Just all the goofy shit you would do back then and now you're just worried about oh did i do this bit last time i was in town and i don't

know if this clothes are fucking like you're you're trying to justify a 40 50 ticket and you're not saying something 40 times in a row to amuse your friend in the green room because you're each splitting 250 dollars total yeah yeah i mean i was so desperate to get out of those gigs when i was doing them and now i think back on them i'm like fuck if i wish i knew how good this was and how free and like fun and liberated this time was like the stuff you're talking about not having any pressure on you that's why i like when things fuck up outside of my control because that is the reason to go to live stand-up comedy as opposed to a special that somehow is in a fucking 1200 seater and you go i know that guy doesn't try 1200 in that town uh and the waves of applause and stuff. No, I want to see, I wish everyone would put out specials that were no one,

no one. It was just comedy night. Yeah. That's kind of how my special is. It's coming out. There's like, we did 40 people in Pensacola. We did JJ's Bohemia and Chattanooga.

Yeah. We've been there. Yeah. So it's like, I just wanted to get, you know, what comedy looks like in America, as opposed to, this is my special taping. Like that kind of shit. so it's like i just wanted to get you know what comedy looks like in america as opposed to this is my special taping like that kind of shit because it's so false everyone's

juiced everyone's crushing you know yeah so when someone vomits on the person in front of them in a live show i'm like all right this has the the goofy kind of experience that i want, but you can't blame me for, you know, not taking it seriously. I take it seriously, but sometimes I don't want to. Yeah, Sam just started doing that, the headliner coming back through and everybody loved him

and so he has to worry. And I haven't gotten to that point yet. I just want to keep opening for Sam and doing whatever I want with no real expectations. I don't have to do... I just know Sam's going to like me, so I'll be your opener. I'll do a shot for the troops and I won't drink it.

We'll fake it. Yeah, Len loves the troops, by the way. Just being a middle act is so fucking beautiful easiest money in the game uh i miss middling and i always i always would bury the headliner as hard as i could or go down swinging and flame out but god i wish i would have taken my time and featured for a little bit longer i just wanted the extra 30 dollars i was like oh fuck i'm i'm not gonna come back here unless i you know for you keep telling me like it went from two to three i thought that times you've opened for

me where i don't remember you but did you ever bury me no because uh you had i featured for you in greeley and i was so excited that i had a fine set but i was that was 2013 and then i think you were so generous that the last time i did it ben roy featured for you you know ben roy i know the name yeah so ben roy is a fucking murderer so i just did 10 up front and hosted and then ben came on and then you went on yeah and you said the really nice thing about like uh just still in my bio i think you said i love it when guys like Sam and Ben open for me because I know no matter what I do, you already got your money's worth.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, no, there's that. There are those comics who. Yeah, but I thought you meant it. No, I did. No, no, there's comics who bring shitty openers on purpose because they're going to look good for me.

Yeah. who bring shitty openers on purpose because they're going to look good. For me, yeah. Which, I bring comics I love that I don't want to follow and then they tank. Yep. It's a good business model, man. Well, and then I get mad. I mean, I remember that time

we had fucking Rob Dukes from Exodus throw out a heckler in Albanyany because that guy smashed it yeah because the fucking guy was heckling junior stopka i'm like i don't need an opener junior's not selling tickets yeah i could do this show alone uk style i bring them out so other people can see them and appreciate them and also hopefully they get a couple more Twitter followers, you know, like doing them a favor. There's crossover. I mean,

there's so many people who know junior just because he was in front of you, but I get mad at the fucking audience. Like, no, I'm, I'm, I'm paying for you to see this. You buck respect it. And I'm like, I'm not leaving till that guy gets thrown out. And then there was no bouncer at this shithole club Valentine's I think it was called in Albany luckily the lead

singer of Exodus was there yeah all tatted up and I'm like sorry to do this to you Rob but you're the only guy that looks like menacing security you're gonna have to fucking throw that guy out and he did and it took about 10 minutes and then the guy threw a cinder block through the front window after his.

While I'm standing there. I hope Rob said, this is your exodus. I think that was after Rob's exodus from Exodus. He bought the book. He tweeted at me, and I looked at his profile, and he was the lead singer of Exodus. He had like 1,200 followers. I was like, oh, man. Oh, yeah, He had some stories.

Yeah. That business doesn't pay as... We played for 10,000 people in Brazil. Yeah, in South America. Yeah, and then I had to get back to my day job. You know, he's working at a radio shack. He's pissed. Customizing

cars? Yeah. I think he probably spoiled it a little bit. Mm-hmm. What are you guys drinking? Vodka, soda Splash of grapefruit, splash of Cran But we've been doing the edibles The last couple nights and it's been fun It's been so fun, dude

Yeah, I ate an edible last night And we watched video 43 Oh no, it's called Movie 43, dude. You do? Yeah. Yeah, I ate an edible last night and we watched Video 43. Oh, no. It's called Movie 43. Have you seen it? Yeah, I think I've seen it. It's fucking brilliant. It's insane, the cast in that film, and how just gross out comedy the whole thing is.

It's a Kentucky Fried Movie, right? Yeah, but good and with Oscar winners. Yeah, yeah. Like Halle Berry has big fake tits. She's dipping in guacamole it's awesome fucking huge huge jackman has a pair of balls hanging off it's really puerile comedy but done by fucking a great actor and there's one after another johnny knoxville is in it and it's got a four% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Is that good? No, it's like the worst. Yeah, I'm like, that's the second time I've watched it in two months.

I mean, it's a goofy movie that the critics hate. But aren't the critics on those things people? Yeah, I mean, it's people. And then also, I think it's weighted by actual film reviewers have more say. No, there's two separate numbers on Rotten Tomatoes, right? Well, this is DirecTV gives you two different ratings. One was four and one was 23. But there's so...

One's fans and one's critics. The second one is critics. One's fans, one's critics, says my attorney in the corner. Yeah, that sounds right. Yeah, but I was like so stoned. I'm like, whatever you put on, I'm going to laugh at really hard. And then, you know, Elizabeth Banks would be in one and I'd be like, what the fuck? I was I was I was fucking irie, Lund.

You used to like go for the record of of milligrams for edibles. But I know. Did you try to pound them last night? No, I ate 15 milligrams last night. I used to eat like 2000 and try and test. Oh, wow. Yeah. I have a 50 that I ain't going to fuck with for a long time. No.

That's after Chaley's spatchcockcock to turkey and i drank eight beers with him and then switched over to white russians or whatever it's been a pretty debauched situation and a lot of fly swatting if anyone out there is wondering what life is like at stanhope it's a lot of him fingering jars of caviar alone because he doesn't want to share and then also flatting swi... swatting flies. He wanders around swatting swis. Yeah, he's coming up with his own language again. I smell toast. It's all from the

dumpster of the pizza hot. Hey, how many callbacks can I make in one... That pizza hot thing was something I never told anyone for a long time because it was so stupid. Yeah, that's really bad. We've had a plague of flies like fucking Amityville Horror,

and it's all been since Nathan showed up. I mean, Sam. Oh, hell yeah. At least even professional comedians, right? You know, fuck us up it's well it's nice to yeah it's nice to have somebody like stanhope be the one that mistakes us for one another instead of some drunken dickhead at a bar on colfax i had a guy say that we had done improv together a dozen times and i was like that's not me for sure i don't do improv that's sam

yeah you're like dude you can say whatever you want about my friends or my wife but I was like, that's not me for sure. I don't do improv. That's Sam. That's so weird. You're like, dude, you can say whatever you want about my friends or my wife, but you say I do improv? Sam's fighting words, brother. I tweeted last night that Sam Talent is a hipster who just couldn't fit into the clothes. It hurt a lot more than anything else he said. Yeah, he tried to wear

tight stuff for like two weeks and it didn't stick. Luckily, I don't know how we got that outfit off of you. And he knows a lot of big words but he's slovenly like he looks like my fan base but he's a slovenly like he looks like my fan base but he knows uh too many references

talking about fugues yeah instead of when he was out in elizabeth colorado where everybody either like stole a cop car or like huffed paint every day and Sam somehow decided not to do either of those things and like read books and stuff. And he got cool. I've huffed. I've huffed a little bit. Time in the stairs. Yeah.

That's right. Yeah. That was me walking up Blacknob today. The rag was optional. Yeah. I used to know guys who would like huff uh old refrigerators and old freezers they get the freon out of there oh it's a long way to go to get the product it's not a fun buzz either payoff isn't there if you're you know sticking up hvac guys you should probably try

and get sober i would assume that it's like a whip but yeah but like it's like huffing gas i don't think it's as volatile as freon like taking that into your body no i don't know and then like with tracy we had we had to make a rule that she couldn't do him standing up with it oh yeah definitely because she fell on one time she went down yeah in becker's house. But then, like with... I would have Freon just... You gotta watch your landing there, too. There's like tools. I would have Freon so my mask

wouldn't steam up my glasses with hot breath. Ooh, nice cool breath. Then they kick you out of the Walmart. Walmart. Yeah. You're paying for all those refrigerators you cracked open. You've been to this RC Willys eight times this month and you haven't bought shit.

I'm going to wait for the new model. Like usual on the podcast, I'm going to have to piss soon, but I don't know since since this is video, if we should... Well, I was going to say, should I have Tracy or Valentina be a seat filler, like in the Oscars, so it doesn't look... That was... Jeez.

Oh, I thought that was an actual question. No, it wasn't an actual question. The sexual tension between Doug and Chaley has been pretty heated, man. Yeah, but wait till you see us fuck. It pays off. Last podcast, he's just gotten up and walked into the next room, which is the bathroom, and continued to kind of have a conversation from the toilet.

He was trying to avoid that this time. Well, I think he's trying to do it anyway. He just wanted someone in the chair. Yeah, I thought he was talking to his dick. He. Well, I think he was trying to do it anyway. He just wanted someone in the chair. I thought he was talking to his dick. He's like, we're doing good, mister. Oh, big boy. This is a big boy. Stretch. Stretch.

Stretch. We will take a break. Do we have something to do at a break? I don't know if you at a break? No. I don't know if you guys have sponsors. No. No.

I put the link on the podcast that went out last night to your podcast. But it doesn't come up in like a search. I know. Yeah, we've only done four. And we finally got the response from iTunes or whatever. Get on there. Oh, that'll help. Yeah. Great. Yeah, we didn't release until we got i got here i was like waiting for a reason to put them out so that's good yeah definitely so we'll keep putting the links yeah yeah look

at the stanhope bump i did uh remember one thank you and i don't know who it's for all the shit this is the problem with the thank yous is the fun house is being redone and repainted. So everything is taped down. And all the shit that I had for thank yous, I left in the fun house. So now it's all under fucking paint tarps. But one of them, I don't remember your name, but someone sent me. He made him himself police knee pads. And I see where you're going.

Yeah, it's for when you put the knee on the neck. It says police. Yeah, I see where you try to be funny with that. I don't see where this goes. So when you're kneeling on a black head, their hair doesn't scrape your knee. That was his joke, but it just doesn't really. Doesn't translate. Yeah, it just has the police logo.

It's the band, the police, too. So it's very confusing. That'll be on eBay yard sale. Oh, that's up, by the way, right now. The Miller Lite sign? Miller Lite sign. Or Miller High Life. Miller Lite.

Miller Lite.? Miller Lite sign. Or Miller High Life? Miller Lite. Miller Lite? All right. All right, we're going to take a break so you can go mop some of that sticky off your face. Fly strip skin. He's rarely this red. He looks like a thumb that's been slammed in a door. Turn to your box fan. He looks like a thumb that's been slammed in a door. No, you know who you look like to an extent is Private Pyle.

Oh, wow. Can I get it? Let me do it. There you go. Yeah. What's that guy's name? Vincent D'Onofrio. D'Onofrio. D'Onofrio.

Yeah, so you look like him in that movie, and then when I had my overalls, I looked like him in Men in Black 1. Or a couple of D'Onofrio lookalikes. That's where the money is. When I had longer hair, people would tell me I looked like Oliver Platt, which is so fucking random. I could see that. I sat next to him at Gotham.

I can see Joaquin Phoenix if you had a hair lip. He used to get that all the time. I got that a lot. One girl got so mad when her boyfriend said that to me because she was a big Joaquin fan. Not a big fan of you?

No, no. She was like, no, you don't look like him. I'm sorry. And I was like, okay, that's fine. She was pissed. I think you look like River Phoenix after they found his body. Yeah, I look like River Phoenix would now if they dug him up. All right.

I'm going to go. I'm going to go pee sitting down since i'm not in a hurry london doug just peed backward he straddled the uh toilet i i had a girl that i didn't know do that out of uh she we were at a show where there was just the one bathroom and i was in there and she came in it was like i have to pee and she sat and peed oh no she peed normal and i thought the only way i could top her was if i if i did reverse cowgirl i didn't know how to beat what she did she was such a such a bold move we didn't We did not know each other.

It's really comfortable when you're drunk to just put your fucking elbows up on the tank. I could just sit here. That's perfect. So, Len, listen to this. I have a pee story. I go to Horsetooth Reservoir every day and walk my dog until he's tired. Then I hop in the water. Usually when you're in the water, you pee.

But I was sitting on the beach after swimming, and I was reading when I had to urinate again. I just was like, well, I'm just going to see what it's like. I sat there and I pissed my pants. What do you think about that? Sounds like a good move, right? Well, I assume because you could just walk back into the water and rinse them off.

And I hadn't pissed my pants purposely, or at least sober, in 30 years. I pissed my pants here on the driveway doing mushrooms, like too many mushrooms with Tom Rhodes. And we both were stuck to the earth in that driveway. Clingy. I go, I'm just going to have to pee and I just pissed and bingo came out and changed me like a baby to the fucking earth

because we're going to get sucked into the atmosphere you never put up cameras in enough time that would be good Patreon yeah cameras in enough time no that'd be good patreon yeah i really am gonna have to do mushrooms again when i think about tom rhodes i think about that old joke about penguins how they mate for life and how we we can't figure it out when we have all these advantages and we all look so different from each other.

So there's a lot of options. But then penguins, they'll see their mate from, you know, from across the sea and be like, there's my baby. Wow. I had a I had a penguins mate for life joke a bit. And then Greg Giraldo had one, and I'm like it's too late mine's already out I think he did his first but all with different takes of course that's where he killed himself that was my best bit man

Stan Hope's always one step ahead Lon you peed your pants recently nah man I had a wet dream like a week ago that was so wow that's funny man

yeah that's better that's better than pissing your bed cause at least you came but yeah isn't that random as hell just just i think if i go back to that venue what was it called where if you did well someone would blow you oh the squire you're 38 a week after your 38th birthday you had a wet dream yeah yeah i think it's because i sleep on my stomach. It's just bound to happen.

You have to or you'll drown. Or you sleep in your stomach. Yeah, somehow my roll got wrapped over my dick. All sweaty in there. Remember what you were dreaming about? Fucking my own belly. No, it's just like, I don't know.

It was just like where you, I don't remember most of my dreams, I think, because from smoking weed, but I think it was just, you know, where you're interacting with different people, and then eventually one of them, like, will want to have sex with you, so you start having

sex, and then you wake up up and you came in real life. Is that when you rolled over on your belly? It's too long to explain. And it's not because it's embarrassing. But yeah, I remember a wet dream where it was a big mentally ill black guy that I was friends with when I was 18 and moved to LA and he touched my penis in a cab and I had a wet dream from that.

I don't this is 1985 so I don't remember the details. I just remember waking up terrified that I just had a wet dream about a man that wasn't even like plausibly attractive to anyone. You were upset because he was black, right?

We might have been driving a car. I don't know. All I know is Antar, whose name I had to change in the first book. Antar. That was the man's name? Yeah. Yeah, I went to an acting class with him, and he was mentally ill. So he's an Antar.

There you go. Come on. You can't put the ball on the tee if you don't want to whack it. Sam T-Ball. I have not released any valves. A nocturnal emission, I believe it's called. No, but I haven't even emptied the tank since I've been here.

Well, yeah, that's right. You're only 33. That's a stretch for you. What is? Four games. Going a few days without violating yourself. Yeah, without committing the sin of Onan. I don't want to be rude in the

guest house, but let me also think about all the people who stayed in that guest house. They're probably setting the record in there. I thought you were going to say how many fucking security cameras are around here. That's always it. Since Chaley put in security cameras every time before you jack, you're like, hey, wait.

So if I have a wet dream, it's because I'm being a good guest. Yeah, you get backed up. You got it. You got to do it into the I've thought about this. violating way that you can jerk off is directly over and into the toilet. Uh, so that you're not like sweating in the bed and you're not jerking off and then touching all the sheets. You're, you're just, you're,

you're just directly cause you're shitting in the toilet and shitting is acceptable. You know, you have to, so you, Oh, I'm too short. I'm too tall for the toilet.

I'm tall enough for the sink. Yeah. I'm, I'm way too short for the toilet. Not that I haven't done it, but then you have to fucking... You gotta squat. ...lift up for the jizz to... Otherwise, it's gonna dribble down the front

like a retarded person's chin. Like an antard. I had to... Yeah, I had to hold Doug up like Uppy so he could jerk off in the toilet. It was like he was peering over the fence to see the tigers in the back of the cage.

Yeah, there is some squatting involved, but my legs are always about to give out whenever I jack off standing up. Yeah, I have that problem, but my legs are ready to give out whenever I jack up standing up? Yeah, I have that problem, but my legs are ready to give out anyway. That's why

you sit, like you're saying, you sit backwards. You reverse cowgirl on the toilet. You can jerk off into it while sitting. That'd be a weird downstroke. Yeah. Yeah. It's like you're churning butter.

Oh, yeah. It's a jackhammer type move it's it's vertical but i mean switch it up lund's master jerking off all over get the evil out we're talking about one of our first podcasts how much we hate horny guys like horny adults you said it you said you said it so long ago doug that uh it's just a noose it's just a a zit that you have to pop you know you have to dance the you lance the boil so that you get yeah so you can get on with your day yeah yeah like adults who walk around talking about wanting to get laid or how horny they are it's very upsetting it is uh well comedians especially oh god bobby slayton was a guy yeah the pitbull of comedy he says that dude the first time i ever saw him he walked on stage and

said the n-word like five times immediately you know it's like shit i gotta watch every set he does he says it all yeah but i remember because i was you guys's age thinking no one wants to think about someone your age fucking no so if i do talk about fucking it's a it's a very negative place that puts the crowd at ease. Yeah, I don't. I was fucking my wife the other night. There's a reason that that's a cliche about seeing your parents fuck or thinking about your parents fuck.

You're our parents. Stop talking about it. Definitely, man. Although I'd probably get a CCTV to watch you have sex. Just like a case study for the next book. I think we've talked about this. It's an anatomy lesson. Yeah, I like watching people that are good at sex have sex.

Same with anything like sports, you know, people. I guess, but if you're really bad at something, too, I'll watch that as well. You want to watch sex bloopers yeah yeah bad yeah bad sex or bad like yeah bloopers for sure yeah have you ever seen the porno bloopers yeah they're never good they for some reason i'm like oh they're having fun and then i'm like rock hard like look They're really having a good time at work. Yeah, they're never the ones you think where someone just completely shits themselves during anal. I've tried to watch

the bloopers, but it's just banter. It's never like, oh, yeah. The laughing at you hard. I think it's what it was, yeah. They quoted The Office. I was like, yes! I just love to see people laugh. Yeah.

Fucking hate those comics. Yeah, the ones that were doing some kind of false altruism. It's a gift. It's a gift and a burden, man. Fuck you. I was supposed to be a doctor. Yeah.

I watch every fucking COVID report hoping that it's fucking going out of control. So I never have to make people laugh again. I told Sam the idea of doing a podcast and, uh, you know, once we're doing shows, it's with like no interaction before or after with the crowd and then uh you know you

just have to like get out of there you know instead of hanging out all night i was like that sounds like heaven you know the the perfect gigs that's hedberg hedberg would do that fucking just ditch right after the show right out the back door well when i worked with him as kids like these kids he it was a pressure that he felt he had to remember point. When I worked with him as kids, like these kids. It was a pressure that he felt he had to. I remember one time when he was like, there was a radio station that had a meet and greet where people fired calling winners after the show. And then there was a huge line of people just like

on the windows of the theater trying to like how do we get in and these five people come up and he's like never i'm not doing this this is embarrassing well and he was the least social guy ever anyway and yeah always he was like you like someone was hey write this on the thing you're signing for me. And he would be like, he would never do the same. He would do the same thing. I'm not writing what you're writing. Hey, write it to Brian. You're a cunt for not being here, you fucking faggot. I'm not writing that.

I'm not writing that. You're a faggot with four Gs. Go get it. That's our thing. Doug does. I'm drunk. I love you. Yeah.

You know, and that. I had Ron White sign a bottle of tequila for my uncle after I was hanging out with him. And I was like, can you make it up to Tom? And he wrote, to Ron, stay evil. Was it his tequila? Yeah, it was his tequila. But yeah, my

suburban uncle, stay evil. Who are some of the good and bad headliners that you've worked with? Who was a cunt and who was incredible? Well,

shit. Are you going to answer? I thought of this when I was a kid it was it has to be todd jordan but i was like terrible like oh yeah don't hate todd jordan no i i let a lot of that stuff go once i've learned about mental no i was a kid in knuckleheads in minneapolis and he fucking threw a fitted threw me up against the wall because i was trying to fuck a waitress and you're the this guy's like you to try to fuck every waitress and give us all a bad name well i have a shot yeah

no i was a kid i was in my mull, baby. You don't have a mullet for no pussy. Then Todd Jordan married one of the higher-ups at Comedy Works. But I'm trying to think of who's incredibly hot. Who I've had a...

Sam's all about it. Problem with? I think Neil Hamburger was the one who was the worst of you. I talked about him in the last pod yeah he was yeah ron white was fucking always beautiful to me i stole one of his lines on my early cd one of them not not from stage something he said in a green room not a green room a condo oklahoma city and yo this wouldn't fly in this day and age but the opening act was a girl named tracy brown from houston never saw her before or since uh and we're just sitting around after the show in the condo drinking beers and there's a lull in the conversation and he looks at tracy goes so tracy

what are the chances you turn and lose some of that old pussy so yeah i i stole what is it i'm pretty sure ron used that line on line on Wendy Curtis like six months ago, dude. Yeah, Ron was in town. I mean, he wouldn't – I don't think he'd remember it. I was standing behind him at the grocery store, and he said that to the clerk. He said it to Judge one time at his last divorce trial. That's right.

Yeah. Yeah, me and Lund were hanging out with ron white uh with our friend aaron urist and we were all eating mushrooms me and lund were fucking going in real deep and the bowl of mushrooms went to our friend aaron yeah he had a like a fucking ounce and a half of mushrooms ground up in the dust and he was eating them that's the way to do it lip in them like they were chaw and aaron was like a total weenus. I get the bandits. Oh, the bandits are great. Yeah, the snooze.

Yeah. Chris reached in and took a fake pinch of mushrooms and put them in his mouth. And I called him out right there in front of God and everyone. I was like, you're pinch fibbing. And he was like, no, I'm not. I just don't want to get that high. And I'm like, eat some or fucking get off the bus, dude. Another fake pinch.

And I still call him Pinch Fibber to this day. Before you have to call me, hey, do you have a title for this podcast? Pinch Fibbing. Oh, no. It's a direct to yours. The Jewish behemoth. Oh no. The Jewish behemoth. Ron White was, I mean he's one guy that I never really considered, like, he wasn't on my radar as a blue collar comedy, but I've been introduced to people through his, their friendship with Doug.

Yeah. Do I know them as friends of Doug's and not when they, you know, like, robed? Right. I've never heard of his name before until he got the mansion. Both got it. But Ron White was the most gracious motherfucker. I mean, he let us run roughshod over his fucking place. Two houses. We did in L.A.? I don't know if you were there for L.A.

And then, obviously, Atlanta. He dared us to have as much fun as we wanted to. Yeah. And then in the morning he said, oh yeah, I was drunk when I told you the tour bus is going to take you back into Atlanta proper. You're going to have

to find an Uber. We got to hang out with his friend Tom Hester. Do you know Tom? Oh yeah, no, that's when I hung out on his bus tom hester do you know tom oh yeah no that's when i hung out on his bus doing mushrooms i was at hester's house and hester in austin says oh i just get a call from ron white his bus is parked up there he just got done playing a gig in colleen and yeah we we hung out on that bus doing mushrooms all night not pinch fibbing he was he when we showed up tom when

was introduced to us shithouse because they they got to where we were hanging out like hours before us and and you know that that old crew and so they started partying and we showed up late that first night and he was just like um i just love ron man i just fucking love i love all of you too i don't give a fuck and we he was the best right away we had so much fun with him well he wasn't the best right away we thought he was an old drunk fucking hack initially because all he would say was i love you ron that's all he said the whole time we were there and then we were hanging out with uh hester for the next couple days and he was the man hester uh i don't know what the fucking thing is tom hester is a yeah

fucking old school uh staple of austin comedy yeah and he went to greece and sent me and i'm not really even that close with him like it's not's not like we talk. Yeah, that's him. Yeah. Hedberg knows him. Yeah, Tommy. Yeah. So so Hester went to like the Parthenon or something. And he he stole a couple of pebbles that like you go to jail for life if they catch you.

And I still have a mirror somewhere in the fucking crawl space. And I'm like, that's so so cool he mailed them to me and i'm like i don't even really know this guy i mean other than if i'm in austin i know to say hi and have a cocktail with him but yeah he had a great camaro no no he kept being like he was like you do a better tom than i do. He's got a Corvette. We didn't take it out, though. He kept saying that we could get a ride in it, but it didn't happen. But yeah, Tom, he just fucking, I'm serious, y'all. There was a ship in the place we were staying at. There was this little model of a ship, and he went up to it and grabbed like this little uh like a little placard and he just he acts like he's reading it and he's like this ship from in the 1800s was a

big old part of the slave trade and uh and he just is talking gives this whole history and it was the wi-fi information it was none of it was it. It was none of it was. None of it. None of it was on there. But he just he just weaved a whole little tale for us about this old ship. Tom had a great joke. He was like, yeah, man, you know, I've been I've been dating some wild women. I mean, feral shit. They run up out of the woods.

They eat the food out of my dog's dish. I mean, wild. Gay as hell. Yeah. He's never touched a woman his entire life i wonder why he was in greece not by choice yeah yeah he went to where they invented it yeah i haven't i haven't had anybody be a real dick to me uh that i can think of just like there's that vibe in the green room when they don't want the openers in there, and then it's like, alright, I guess

I can get out of here. Yeah, I get that vibe the older I get, but that's because the opener's always fucking talking over his friend who's the middle egg, but it's a whole different thing. And then we do a good cop, bad cop, where I come in hot and then if Doug wants him to stay

he'll go no no that's cool Jimmy or he'll be like on the phone okay have you ever had a headliner tell you a drop that bit because it steps on my dick or you can't sell merch which is even worse

but Chris DiStefano you probably don't you know i i only know him because i knew mike distefano who was one of the best yeah and i always get confused chris distefano distefano yeah he was very very good comedian but i was i he was not met he was not happy with me because i was trying to get my jfl set together so i was i he was not mad he was not happy with me because i was trying to get my jfl set together so i was featuring for him the whole weekend and i was just swinging for the fences and he was really mad at me and then like on saturday he didn't let me be in the green room and he also told me to drop half my act and he wasn't even i watched

his act too like he wasn't doing any of the jokes he told me to drop, but he was just like, exactly. Yeah. And I just did the other funny ones and rained even more pain upon him. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. He's very funny too. Yeah. All right. And then

sometimes the comedy works will have to open for like the girl Code comedians and they'll Jessie Mae Peluso she was one of the she's been here no no Christina Hutchinson and fuck

now you're going to make me look bad for not remembering the other ones I was opening for one of the Girl Code comics one time I don't remember her name or I'd say it. She didn't even tell me to... She didn't even tell me. She's had someone else tell me to lighten up

on her pretty much. It's even worse when the club is the one who intervenes because they see how bad it's going. Yeah, I've had that happen. I've gotten bumped from a half hour to 20 minutes. And then by the end of the weekend, I'm hosting and the host is featuring. Yeah.

Because I remember, again, you have to understand that I haven't worked in my clubs where you have no say over who's with you in a long time yeah so it's either locals that have promoted the act if we're just using locals and we're not bringing someone on the road or the person i'm bringing on the road i've brought on the road for years but i remember when merch was had become a a thing yeah. Like the opener saying, is it okay if I sell merch? Because a lot, I'm like,

what fucking headliner would say you can't sell merch knowing how little you fucking make? That's a polite, that's an etiquette. And it bans the same thing. If you're a headlining band, you have the most real estate on the merch table. And then the opening

bands should get something, but they can't have 18 t-shirts. And they can't have a huge... The opening act, or the local act that went up, Satan's Penis goes up first, and then they've got

seven t-shirts, five koozies, and you're like get the fuck out of here. You get two square feet here on the end. But it's a courtesy and anyone any venue that has like opening acts and middle acts like that. I would

love that because that's a tip of the hat of the old days. It's like hey that's what you do. You ask permission. Hey is this cool if I do this i just want to check well no they were doing it because other people have said no you can't sell merch if i'm selling merch you're cutting into my sales and i've the only time i've ever and it's always someone i know ask someone to drop a bit is if i'm filming a fucking special yeah yeah like all right yeah that kind of steps on the dick of this i also when i'm on the road and i have an opener

who wants to sell their t-shirts or whatever i always do it all right so how about we sell one of my t-shirts and one of your t-shirts for 30 bucks great yeah and then we both because he's gonna yeah we do that a lot and i'll sell more too because you're getting two for you know what they think is a bargain. So yeah, that's a good move to do. It's so much easier now when you have a square or something like that. Exactly. Hey, Guys We Fuck podcast, it's Christina Hutchinson,

would you add? And then Quinn Fisher. We did the All Things Comedy Festival with them when they actually booked us at the All Things Comedy Festival. Yeah, that stopped. Yeah. All I remember is pissing on Ari Shri shafir and i only remember that because someone sent me video of it yeah it just came up recently also that's another guy like ari shafir because i know that you have this whole brand where you're like mean but you're not you know and ari shafir has you know he think no one thinks

that he gives a shit about anyone but himself he's never been nicer to me no one's ever been nice like in montreal he took all the new faces out to lunch and told us like who not to talk to who was a chicken hawk to avoid like what to say to agents yeah yeah and then he and then he you know paid a $900 lunch. Yeah. And then he looked me up. He saw I was in Milwaukee and had me cancel my gig in Madison and come feature for him at a giant theater gig in Milwaukee, the Pabst Theater.

Oh, and now you can't get booked back into that place he canceled and Ari doesn't return your calls. Sorry. Yeah, I'll never be back at that Hooters in Madison. Yeah, I've generally had really good experiences with comics.

But also, you haven't had to work with the people who aren't comedians and they're YouTube stars or TikTok people. We've had Ryan's. Well, no, we had to wait for that guy to close. He came to the green room. Wait, Nashville. Uncle was a fan

and that guy could not be more bored on his face to be backstage at Doug's stand up. Yeah. Are you talking about Nashville Zany's where they had a 730 show and this guy just

pretended to be an old southern grandma but he didn't even put on a costume oh it was southern mama yeah oh that guy got his dick handed to him in montreal did you guys see that shit oh that's the same guy yeah yeah his uncle or whoever was like uh the guy old enough to buy beer and drive that guy and uh the guy's girlfriend they wanted to come backstage to see doug after the show because they i think he did an early early show and then a regular show and then we went on like at 10 or something it was crazy right yeah but it was like it was like maximize the capacity for the shows at the venue. Right. Put them in there.

We don't care. Yeah. Well, there's no green room in fucking Nashville anyway. It's the office. And you walk right on stage. We sold merch on the sidewalk at 1030 at night. But the green room is right behind the stage. Walk out the door and you're at stage left.

All right. I was thinking that was the office, but still. We're roughly there. Yeah. Yeah, that's the office. All right. Not at all. But the point being is like the uncle was thrilled to be back there.

And this guy just sat there. This guy's just filming Instagram stories. I don't remember meeting that guy. I couldn't, I don't remember meeting that guy because I can't imagine I was sober enough to not talk shit. After the show, yeah. Oh, maybe I didn't know it was the guy. I also.

He blended in pretty quick to like, I don't want to be here. Yeah, you would have brought him back at that point. I don't appreciate you guys misgendering Southern Mama. All right? How dare you? Have some respect. Two sold out shows? Yeah, of course.

I think the first one loaded in at six. Yeah. A lot of people are very dumb. It makes sense that Mama has a big old crab. All right, children. I think we did a podcast. Yeah, I think so. Nathan, don't fall for his peer pressure.

Don't start drinking again. You're doing fine. Oh, yeah. Thanks, man. If you are going to fall off the wagon though come down here yeah yeah yeah that's where yeah that that is the only place that i would consider getting fucked up would be bisbee and then you'd go i drove all the way for this stanhope went to bed at 9 30 yeah yeah but i'm up at 5 45 and i'm doing all sorts of chores. Yeah, stand up, clean the entire property today. It's wild.

It's bleaching. Yesterday was my day. Today was his day. Tomorrow's your day. I'm leaving at 8 a.m. Are you going to Marc Maron me and lock the gates? That's weird. I was just, when we were talking about comics, Marc Maron has never

treated me bad, but he's one of those guys that I'm afraid of. Cause I think that he hates me because I think that he thinks I hate him. Like this guy's as afraid of like Patrice O'Neill was a guy that, Oh my God, that guy could eviscerate you. If he wanted to take you down him, Norton,, they just they're fucking good at finding your weak spots. I fancy myself good at that, too.

You're very good at that. Yeah, but I don't think I'm that good. You're very good at that. I'm afraid when you no longer want me around. It will be evident after three cocktails. J.C., we're leaving. Yeah, I've been waiting to get the boot.

Sam, you've got to hose down the driveway. I will. I'm actually going to strip nude and cover myself in soap and water and roll up and down the driveway. We're going into our sixth month next week week and i don't want anyone cleaning for me because i am so good at it now you do better than the people you hire which

makes me angry when you say i'm gonna get this person to clean. I'm like, well, Julia. Yeah, Julia. When she shows up late, I do the whole thing. I go, it's not that hard. Well, I get her to fucking run groceries or something. I find other things. Yeah. I find other things I hate doing for anyone. We have a deep clean coming up in the funhouse. Because everything under those two tents has to be blown off.

Unless the fucking monsoons come in and they're going to get washed by God. And I like it when God works for me because he doesn't let you tip out. Is it for you or with you? Against me. I do want to say that, Sam, you listen to Doug's new book. Yeah. That's going to be available August 20th on Audible

No Anchor for the Donkey I downloaded it but for some reason I was wasted last night but I actually listened to chapter 6 Doug sounds great audio wise I thought everything was fine

I don't know what they fuck. I don't know who has the patience over there at Audible to like realize there's a pause here that is necessary. I'm hearing that. I'm not hearing bop, bop, bop, bop. Like just a snare drum, bop, bop to the beat. There is pausing that's going on there, which is, I think that's Brian and our director, Chelsea. Because I was like, even in my haze of drunkenness, I'm like, oh, I'm not. This is okay.

Because I recorded it. And Sam Talent's running with the light. Running the light. Running with the light. Running the light on SamTalent..com that's where you got fucked up samtalent.com but twitter is at talent sam with two l's it's the other way around i know but he should have a fucking website that matches his fucking twitter handle just get a new website squarespace have you tried squarespace I haven't since they stopped sponsoring us.

Our website's on Squarespace. So is ours. Yeah. As soon as you make it on that and you say it a few times, then they don't pay you anymore. Yeah. Also the pre-order is live for the ebook. If you're listening to this and you've been demanding the ebook,

you can get it on Amazon. Running the light. Running the light. What I was was gonna say is because i've been pushing it but like when you watch fucking tiger king or something like everyone watched that now you can go on twitter and talk about it wasn't this fucked up like now that i a lot of you thankfully have bought have bought the book, read the book. I'm not trying to get them sales.

I want to fucking talk to you who have read the book on Twitter. So read it. It's like a good, it's like Ozark. You watch the first episode. Oh, I'm going to be here for four days watching the entire three seasons. We're not talking about it on Issues with book until everyone's read the book and all four people have the book I'm just waiting for them to read it because

they don't have the time I do I said I'm going to do press for my audible book but after okay I want you on my podcast i want you on my radio show not till you've read the fucking thing don't try to tell me to tell you what it's about

so yeah read his fucking book after you buy it sam you and i were talking about last night well i think i was telling you that i thought it would be brilliant to make people, like what Doug said, read the book first because it jumps off into so many stories because other comics, if they read that book, they will have a bajillion stories that relate to something with Billy Wayne. Yeah. Billy Ray. Sorry. Sorry, Billy Ray. but it is one of those things where if you did that, all these comics, they've got stories that like parallel all of that shit.

Definitely. That would be in it. And they would only benefit to have a better podcast by talking about something that is personal to them based on your book. It's a, it's a win-win. It's a, just fucking tweet it at comics.

If you're listening, tweet it at comics that it makes you think of after you've read it. Because the club owners, the fucking, this is the real road. This is not, I'm trying to get a fucking sitcom deal. I'm toughing out long enough until my agent calls the spec deal. Hoping to get on a boat. Oh my God. I'm glad you read it so quickly because I sent it to Nathan.

And how long did it take you to read your best friend's magnum opus? I sat on it for a while. Yeah, what, six months? Yeah, I didn't read it right away. Sorry. Yeah, no, you're so – It obviously affected you. You're spiraling.

You know who's not read any of my books? My wife. Which, by the time the third one came around, I go, alright, I'm going to open up about a lot of shit. So we have to read. Doug signed on to read a chapter in mine.

I'm in. Oh, did we talk about this on a podcast? Yeah, well, no, he wants to get a different comic to read every different chapter and i'm like i'm in these two boys did that and it was fucking fantastic because you start to go that's don cheeto and then at near the end you're like you don't even know it's don cheeto It's someone talking about something that matters to them. Yeah, that's why I'm going to push it. Because I like the last two books.

This was going to be the one where we had all the people that were in it. But this one has fucking Depp in it. Hey, Depp heads, Depp donuts. Yeah, all that shit. Why hasn't he ever said anything on Twitter about the whole Johnny Depp situation since, well, it's in the book. But fucking Manson, Rogan, and Burr. COVID fucked it up. But the truth is, I was developing ulcers in my fucking Crohn's disease, which I have neither.

I was developing both just thinking of having to ask, Hey, would you mind doing the podcast version of this book? Well, Corona virus didn't fuck it up. Corona virus has been a boon for me. Listen, I think this is like,

even when I was talking to Hennegan, I think this is like even when I was talking to Hennegan, I think it's better that you were forced to do it all by yourself because of the personal nature of the book. I think the podcast version would have fucked up the whole flow of the book. it's personal and it's it's uh there's a lot of shit going on whereas like if all of a sudden david spade did a chapter it might take away from that well no not like his no i'm not saying for you you're this was this is but to go into like what other people's memories of that event were but we are going to do that for sure on a podcast yeah yeah all the people that are here for like the pilot shooting and everyone we can get from here we'll do a podcast we can still do that for people who have listened to the audible book and i love it sam loves it because uh that validates

it's really great man yeah but i will ask people for for. Hey, you got to read a chapter. I heard it here first, guys. David Spade. I mean, if you got to tell, dude, holy shit. Tells the guy. I don't think he can read. No, yeah. I'll give him, you know, 30 bucks or whatever.

We're due for a podcast with a tell. We were going to do one. I know. Yeah, but he's only awake at fucking He was going to be two months max. He's awake at 2 a.m. He's looking for a new partner in crime, I heard.

He wants to bump some mics. Oh my God. That's a whole another podcast. Let's do this. What, now? All the people that are being outed? sam won't leave at 8 a.m if he's got david tell on the line here at 2 a.m oh i thought you were he just led me into us he's talking about jeff ross yeah maybe we talked about this the other night you mean you're going to try

and give me the second mic thanks shaylee i just want doug to call me to tell it 2 a.m you can't leave at 8 a.m no dude i'll i'll i'll stay here for sure look i'm gonna send lund up he's gonna hit my wife with the chloroform and i'm gonna stay here for a lot longer she'll be fine being a doctor she doesn't need you holding her back anymore. You can stay down there. Hang out down there for a couple years. She'll be fine. Lund, what's your Twitter? At Nathan Lund.

Is it a locked account? No. Do I have to wait on a pending to see if you accept me? No, no. It's wide open. As are his DMs,

ladies. Sure, yeah, get in there. One loves nudes. Alright, I'm gonna take a shower. It's gonna feel so fucking good. I'm gonna hop in there, too. Thanks to all the Killer Termites for listening, and if you're a chubby behemoth listener, you know, follow Doug. He's the man.

We didn't intro him for a reason we didn't have to be like oh we got Doug Stanhope I don't think we're going to he said he would be willing to shave his head I had some ideas, maybe we'll talk about it before he leaves

do the two separate mohawks like the Legion of Doom like Hawk from Legion of Doom. No, like Hawk from Legion of Doom. I'm going to get my comb because I had an idea. I woke up with an idea. I thought you were taking a shower in bed. No, tonight, later.

I'm going to do an edible and then a... I know where this is going. I'm tied it on tight so you can do whatever you want to me, Doug. I am going to shave the queer. Shave his back. See if you whatever you want to me, Doug. But I am going to shave the queer. Shave his back. See if you got the commitment to shave his back. You're a weed whacker.

Lung call, Emily. Tell her not to wait up. Is that his wife's name? Yeah. He wouldn't give me her name. He gave me her number, but said, you guessed. Her measurements. Just gives her measurements yeah all right Nathan go put on

your fan thank you uh what's the chumbawamba podcast that's right yeah chumbawamba number one chumbawamba podcast say it say it for real chubby behemoth chubby behemoth it's what son of Sam called himself

in his letter to the New York Times. Yeah. Yeah, it always resonated with us for some reason. I don't know if it's because we're fat, evil pieces of shit or not, but... Alright. Thanks, guys. Sorry our career didn't work out, Nathan. Yeah, maybe

in another life. Yeah, Lund, you could have been Andy Andrist if you would have answered that email. I did the show. I'm out of this house, and it's mine. Thanks a lot, man. Love you, buddy. I love you.

Take us out of this bingo. Okay, bye-bye now. សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីបានប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Thank you.