Chubby Behemoth - Tarp It Off

Episode Date: June 13, 2022

Year Of The Wad. Nerd Abroad. Ways Of The Turd.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

Did you just get home? Yeah, I just got home, man. So did Becker. Not me. I'm crawling the walls. Yeah, you live a very domestic lifestyle that I envy. Me and Becker were at the car show down in Tucson. That rocked.

Yeah. Summer is the time of year where you look at cars and go man that's a real beaut yeah i like to look at him and go does that thing got a v6 it'll be like more like a v10 dude like hey man how many fucking v's are under the hood of this bad boy looks like a goddamn vonnegut convention because there's so many V's, man. Is this like this convention reminds me of a bunch of people throwing up the peace sign.

Yeah, it looks like Churchill, man. A lot of V's. Looks like Churchill in 45, man. Damn, this reminds me of fucking church camp, dude, because there's so many goddamn V's walking around waiting to be counted. a lot of v counted a lot of v cards humming

well the v's are buzzing in here because uh i know a lot about cars you know i'm one of you guys man are those are those white wall tires on that fucking are those tires limited edition because man you don't see those anymore it's weird how not many white guys have white walls right fellas what is this flip this house there's a lot of white walls what is it where the property brothers at there's so many damn white walls you wouldn't believe what they charge for white walls now uh i would believe it because i've actually been selling white walls on the side guess guess what a set of four proper white walls for my view it costs now are we talking 650s are we talking the dultramax 225s oh 225s

nice entry level yeah those will go for an easy 8k now you said for uh bulletproof not bulletproof non-bulletproof tires oil slick you're rocking non-bulletproof yeah dude who am i afraid of i mean damn i mean knowing you and your hijinks a spike strip is in your future spike strip could be yeah yeah or an oil slick for sure when you're making a getaway from taco john's after hours you take out a loan for 14k for those sweet white walls and then you rob one credit union and spike strips take you down before you're even you know a half mile out of tonopah look man we can take out a loan or i can take out my bone and lay it on the goddamn desk. And you can see that I'm a man who pays my debts.

All right. Just give me the damn tires. Bone on the desk. Have you watched the new boys? Have I watched the nude boys? What the fuck are you talking about? The new. Jesus Christ, Becker. New.

N-E-W. New. This is not a page, dude. You can't be talking about your nasty proclivities a guy crawls inside of another guy's penis and then explodes him it's just something i think you would enjoy watching and you said watch the dick on the table and it made me it's amazing i'm the ultimate boy fans i love boys you guys are watching about boys you guys are watching boys meanwhile i'm watching girls i'm watching lena dunham uh gag me with a spoon create art man she got all she had to do was keep

her mouth shut and she was like i fucked my sister i gas lit her i lit her with gasoline i put her in the river yeah i tired my sister i emolliated her while she had a tire around her neck but hey give me another show she gagged her sheiated her while she had a tire around her neck. But hey, give me another show. She gagged her own sister with a spoon. She makes me think everybody is beautiful. That's what I think when I see her. I think body positivity rocks. It hasn't gone too far.

I'm glad she's empowered and held up as a pinnacle of uh of what he women should aspire to not even just women men i mean honestly if i had lena dunham's body i'd be like i'm looking pretty good you'd be so you're like whoa this is cool you guys both have dumb tattoos and uh you kind of have them i don't have them anymore dude check this out uh what what is that look at my bod your body looks like a dirty kitchen floor like tile that needs to be swept you look like a barber shop like sweep it up god it looks yeah it's like were you guys grooming dogs in here? It was the champ's chest. Summer is here.

Look at all those cuts. Look at that, dude. Listen to this. That's good meat. Listen to that. Listener, here you go. You're empty, huh? You're hungry?

No, man. That's just how fucking rock hard my abs are now. Sounded hollow like you're like you're like you haven't eaten in a while no dude i really think it's because of this plant-based deal i am dropping all of the excrement that's been impacted in my bowels for so long is coming out so now it sounds like i'm hollow how much weight do you think you've lost becker you have to unmute your other one, buddy. How much weight do you think you've lost?

Hey, Becker, can you just put down the goddamn dope pen for 10 seconds and focus on being the third mic on America's Favorite Podcast? I am focused. I just am tired. I didn't sleep last night. Oh, boy. Been there, dog. dog I've been up I've seen my sunsets and my sunrises I don't know how much weight I've lost I mean since my weight loss journey I think my top weight that I clocked in at was uh 365 whoa every day dog yeah dude

I was a damn year of meat. Year of the hog. Yeah, luckily it wasn't a leap year. They had to add a whole new month to the Chinese calendar. Damn, the what? Year of the what? Now I'm down. I'm under three.

Maybe me too, probably. You think you're under three? Yeah, I'll bet I am. We're going to Washington across the Delaware. We're going to be ships in the night. You're going up, I'm going down. Yeah, I'll see you in the middle. I'll see you at 2.40. I'll see you at your funeral.

40 i'll uh see you at your funeral you uh you were in chicago you were with byron graham and then you weren't able to do a pod which is unfortunate because people could have heard how how poorly we do impressions of byron god dude actually uh shout out to patrick and nacho fans of the pod, who came to the Lincoln Lodge show. And Byron came and opened for me. And afterward, the first thing they said was, hey, man, we love the pod. And this was really special for us because we actually got to hear what Byron sounds like. Yeah.

I was like, was it accurate? And they were like, oh, not at all. He doesn't sound like little Lord Fauntleroy. It doesn't sound like he had a bunch of butter and crumpets before he went on stage iron crush dude shout out to the b-man he fucking wailed whoa all seven shows that you did no so byron was just on my show uh it was chris higgins byron kyle scanlan and brit and it all worked out great. And then I, of course, when I go on stage

in a 120-person room, it's literally like the Mayans building a temple to the sun. It's nuts. It's nuts what I'm capable of doing. Oh, God. Yeah, it's crazy, man. No, I'm not calling you a god.

Well, they were they were committing blasphemy my set was so good I kept showing them I'm like I don't have tits look and I kept flashing I was like I don't have them I know that you guys think that I'm like the barometer

of men who have them but no you smacked yourself a bunch yep people slapped me did you get any group photos of men who have them, but no. He smacks himself a bunch. Yep. I kept saying people slap me. Did you get any group photos? Group photos with Byron? What do you think, brother? Shut down at every turn.

Dump him out. He is keeping it under wraps. Under vest wraps. I just want to see how much more of them there is to love. There's enough to go around i guess uh byron told me that he was just in croatia and when he went through customs the uh the customs guy was like wait this is you oh shit this is you in this passport photo and byron was like yes indeed it's i and then Byron was like, yes, indeed. It's I.

And then the guy was like, well, clearly you've put on a couple kilos. What are you doing here? Checking out the Game of Thrones tour? Beat it. He's such a wad. The guy thought he was a GOT fan. I bet that made him more mad than being called fat. Oh, dude, for sure. I mean, he's for sure because he looks like a dumpling and then they hit him with oh nerd abroad

we don't have any actual dragons you little bitch oh you're gonna have to settle for turkish delight because we don't have any go t-shirts in your size yeah i mean byron's reached the point in his uh evolution to guigua lord byron's a pledge for the wad squad like the wad squad like he's he's the guy in the motorcycle gang for fat people so he just has to clean everyone's ice cream trucks but he's wearing he's wearing polo i saw him put on a polo and i was like oh nice wearing polo and he's like you know what this is you know i'm wearing this and i was like dxl and he's like yes it's the only thing they have yes yes i'm full glow i'm glowing for it tonight my squad was uh was byron and david melendez and jason melton so we just walked in there

broad body boys present what are you gonna finish that way it was the night was just called single file and wide that'd be a great tour for me and you don't get Byron damn talent are you gonna finish that tour featuring two of the fattest fucks he knows

who could who could hear us to drop in from the ceiling on wires yeah suspenders yeah when I was in Providence or Newport I met Ray Harrton who's like this big massive dude up there really funny guy really sweet guy but he was like can we get a picture and i was like sure so i put my arm around him and i felt the suspenders underneath his shirt

i was like oh you're with your family right now i was like suspenders huh and he's like hey yeah yeah pretty much You're with your family right now. I was like, suspenders, huh? And he's like, hey. Shut up. Yeah, pretty much. Shut up. Don't say shit. Don't say a word. I'll end you.

Like suspenders. He's like, shh, shh. Did you snap Byron's to show him solidarity? Byron doesn't have suspenders. Come on. Byron would buy a gun and a bullet before he bought suspenders. Come on. No way. They're the future.

Yeah. come on no way they're the future yeah well they're the past but the belt uh was the belt was never meant for us no we were always suspenders people byron told me he went through a dark phase where he tried to uh he tried to kill himself he put his head in the oven but uh luckily there was a bunch of baked cheese on the bottom he got distracted becker keeps muting himself because he's gone full glow i feel like i'm three quarters glow i just can't I can't stop chuckling it's because I've gone full glow I have all of my air conditioning on because I'm fighting the fucking heat I don't want to edit it out later

and Pysher's over using my air conditioning and hanging out so man speaking of glow lords Pysher could be the road manager are you gonna finish that hey if you come to the show uh if you bring a ramekin a ranch dressing you get in half off and just anything to dip it in whatever you got the merch is just mozzarella sticks

oh man this is fun man yeah so far so good i like i like byron in croatia like you know in a boat and he's just i guess this is a gondola this would be an italian croatia they probably got a guy in a boat giving you a tour and then byron's just like way in the water the guy on the other end of the boat is like way up in the air yeah dude he's sick they're in the canals his paddle doesn't reach the water yeah i mean melendez is no fucking he's no medium you know oh yeah chicago ruled man lincoln lodge what a dream i love that place

yeah seven shows way too many oh yeah i mean they had they had like seven shows going on that night they have three different rooms and uh they were like every everyone who ran the shows was like sam would you do my show and i was like sure of course So I did them all, man. I'm sick. Have a little piece. Have a piece of me. Take it. Take everything. There's nothing left over. Yeah.

The next. Did you have shows the next day? Or you went to Michigan, huh? Yeah. I had the shows. And then we had a couple cold ones. I was back on rolling rock, man. Like the old school reminded

me of deer pile back in the day you were drinking cans yeah cans of rolling rock baby baby the little green machines good oh by the way someone brought up the fact that you're oh it was melendez said are you the one who always burps on the pod? And I was like, no, that's London. He's like, all right,

man, can you have him knock it out? Because like, I can't, I can't listen to the pod sometimes when he's burping. Why? He starts gagging. Yeah.

He'll be at work listening to the pod and like throw up in a bunch of kimchi he's making. Well, sorry. It is gross. Well well can you speak to him in his native tongue no lo siento does he speak spanish oh yeah lo siento señor melendez he's uh he's selling a little soy un guiguito no no puedo ayudarlo eric eres un guiguo grande soy gross no soy un chico bueno soy basura soy un pile pile is a boy yo velo ma a pile no yeah a pile was a good one i gotta bring pile back a pile no yeah a pile was a good one i gotta bring pile back you fucking pile look at this fucking pile over here it's like my jb football coach hey sam you gonna keep piling are you gonna

get on your feet uh oh yeah i went total guigo last week i didn't talk about it on an episode of the pod but i bought so much stuff so much gross stuff and i went to three different locations so like they couldn't tell well it wasn't like uh i purposely went to three places to spread it out to not be detected as gross were they all different places or did you hit up three mcdonald's three different places we only have one mcdonald's how am i gonna have hit up three you crossed state lines it was here you went to raton i was home yeah no yeah raton thinks i'm a whole other guy the guy that lives in raton you introduce yourself as pyscher in raton you're like hello my name is pyscher madrid carlos pyscher i'm carlos pyscher i'm the Paisher, Madrid. Carlos Paisher. I'm Carlos Paisher. I'm the Beckman.

Carlos Paisher. Yeah, I went to, I ended up going to three places to get snacks, and it was quite the load, quite the haul. Because Big R's got a couple of things I wanted. You went to Big R for snacks. Big R, man. Yeah of things I wanted. You went to Big R for snacks. Big R, man. Yeah, they've got cotton candy and they've got this good cotton candy.

Shut up. Listen. And they also, Becker, have you had caramel puff corn there? That's like, it tastes like, I don't know, some kind of like sugary cereal from when we were growing up not like golden grams but not but like something that was like seasonal or temporary i can't remember but they're like really good oh i'll have to go check this out they sell livestock feed at big r they sell a lot of stuff you can get little baby chickens you can get a horse horse uh shampoo you get dead mice to feed your snakes or your one you get some snacks dead mice throw them in with your popcorn uh no so i got that's like when you put the M&Ms in the popcorn, but yours is crickets.

Oh, crickets would be good. No, so I get the cotton candy and the caramel popcorn and barbecue pork rinds. Then I went to the dollar store and got a couple of things, candy, oh, some Sour Patch Kids that were good. They were two flavors in one. Oh, wow. I hadn't seen them before uh kids that were good they were two flavors in one oh wow i hadn't seen them before but they were good the two-in-one sour patch it saves time and then you're such a beast well listen and then we'll be like the only thing that megan i also got ice cream bars from there. Twix and Snickers ice cream bars. What? From the dollar store?

From the dollar store. They're $1.25 each. We're splitting hairs here at this point. The only thing that Megan mentioned kind of wanting in particular was regular Cheetos. And neither place had had them, so I went to a gas station and I got those. Has she ever mentioned wanting her husband to live past 42 is that something she's ever asked for

she knows that's on the table probably she knows what this is you know what this was when you signed up baby yeah anything i mean god anything over 32 has been pretty cool, I think, in her book. You didn't know what the hell was going on 29 to 36. Oh, dude, she has no idea. And we can never tell her. No, I mean, actually, she knows. That was during our courtship. She was there.

When you were like 20, what, you're five years older than me? when you when you were like 20 what you're five years older than me so yeah when you were 29 and i was apprenticing at 24 just following you around learning the ways of the turd i know we've talked about it dude but you terrorizing the 7-eleleven on Colfax at like 2.30 a.m. are some of my favorite memories. Like you just going in and being like, whatever's on the roller, bag it up.

Give me everything that's over there. Yeah, anything hot? All right, I'll take it. Give me everything that's over there. You walk in and they'd be like, hello, Mr. Lund. How are you tonight? The regular? They just hand you a trash bag filled with shit.

That wasn't enough. If the rollers and the pizza and the hot wings weren't enough, you would always get one of those shitty, like, McRib sandwiches they sold in the freezer section. Yeah, hell yeah. You had to heat that up at home. Yeah. You didn't always, though.

I always did. I saw you munch one raw. No way't always, though. I always did. I saw you munch one raw. No way. Yeah, dude. You act like you have clear, precise memories of all these times. Oh, I'm not saying that. You don't remember when you terrorized the taco man at El Diablo? Why'd you let him eat it raw?

Let him eat it raw. He didn't want to get his hand in there. I wanted all my digits come morning time. I mean, I know Scott really well. We could have him on a bonus pod just for like a five minute pod to ask him if he remembers Nathan doing this. Yes.

Please get Nathan on the pod. Yeah, get Scott on here to uh to back me up because i remember like lun trying to fight the taco man because he ran out of tortas the guy's like hey man it's like three o'clock what do you want for me i was like let me back there yeah you're like i'll griddle some bread i'll lock up oh god yeah dude so you did your snack rounds you went to all three of your stops three stops like i didn't want everybody to see all the ingredients yeah it's like you're gonna commit a crime yeah you have to buy the gloves at one place the rope at the other the duct tape and the shovel at a third location.

No credit cards. All cash. All cash. Throw that receipt away. Wait, give it to me. I'll tear it up. Three different garbage cans. I might as well eat this too. Yeah, just eat the paper. Put it on the pork sandwich.

Anyway, so yeah, it was a lot and he's losing it but he's muted i didn't need it all that night thank god spread it out oh yeah you're claiming you didn't need it all that night didn't need it all that night no yeah what specifically made it to the next day yeah most things that's too much that's too much stuff but well so that's the difference between me and becker i'll eat a bunch of shit but like it'll last a few days becker will whatever he gets he eats in one meal yeah the boat the uh the anaconda yeah i have no control if i leave it in the kitchen then it's just something that's going to distract me until i eat it all it's the tilt you're a heart. You can't focus.

You can't sleep. You're a completionist. Yeah, you're like, well, every second I don't eat it, it decreases in value. Yeah, dude, I'm a natural born junkie. I can't stand going to sleep with drugs left, even if it's sugar. Man, by the way, I get the hype about being a junkie. Sorry, Melendez. Man, by the way, I get the hype about being a junkie.

Sorry, Melendez. So today I did Chicago. The seven shows, I mean, it was just like magic. It was the most fun I've had in so long. Shout out Lincoln Lodge. Shout out John, Kyle, Chris Higgins. Oh, and shout out Patrick, Big Pod Enthusiast. He supports us.

He's a patron. You know, I know that know are you talking about pod oh i don't know dude i know his name is patrick oh patrick o'donnell patrick o'donnell yeah od that's pretty fun he's like one of the first he was one he was an early he's probably like the fifth uh twenty dollar patron he's been there and longer than most yeah he's a fucking head dude and i'm down with it um who's the other guy is he on the he's on the page nacho yeah nacho's his wife you dickhead nice patrick it was nice having you what do i know i didn't meet him i said patrick and nacho yeah i figured Nacho was just another wad. No, Nacho couldn't be less of a wad.

She's very becoming. I'll be coming later thinking about Nacho. God. See you later, Pod. Now he's gone. No. But then I now he's gone no um but uh then i i so i pulled a pretty baller move i hit a huge bonus because we sold out the uh the lincoln lodge so i was gonna drive to michigan the next day but instead it was like 4 a.m and i'd had a bunch of rolling rocks and i was like what if i just flew out so i

got a plane ticket for 7 a.m flew in my mother-in-law sweet sues picked me up went and slept at uh hannah's house woke up had a little susu time she calls me hammy because she can't say sam so she'll call me unc ham she calls me ham which i can't get enough of i've been ham my whole life i just needed someone to say it uncle ham yeah hammy hammy like yes too bad you can't eat that uh it's not a wall uh never never taste sweet ham oh yeah well she'll probably eat ham when that's the thing with her is like instead of giving her fireworks and cigarettes i'm just gonna feed her like bacon and ham when i get her and be like try this shit i'm gonna you know what i'm gonna do one i'm gonna

bring her down to trinidad and let you make your snack loop with her she'll just be eating pork rinds and cotton candy like she got lost at a carnival uh it's crazy you ate renfair style oh yeah yeah i didn't think about it yeah it's definitely a there's only here for a month so i gotta get it all yeah yeah you brought it all home to your uh your busty vixen and she watched you uh chow down but uh so last night uh we had an hour and a half drive up to davison so i rode up there with my mother-in-law uh her sister denise her husband dave and sweet jerry the patriarch well actually the matriarch of the uh the wansha clan so it was my grandmother-in-law my mother-in-law my aunt-in-law and my uncle-in-law, my aunt-in-law and my uncle-in-law. And we're riding up there. We're having fun. We get to the gig. It's in St. John's parish hall

in Davidson, Michigan, which is where Michael Moore is from. So I put a ball cap on and walked out on stage and right away, they got it. they got what i was trying to do young michael moore is here uh because people have said that about me forever might as well cash in and i got but i got to the state i got to the show and i was like oh fuck it's a byob show at a church show in like trump country i was like this might be rough who knows like trump country i was like this might be rough who knows but uh 450 people were beholden to the mastery of old sam t i wailed i smushed i sat in it uh i made them sit in it oh this fucking real fine piece of young tail i shouldn't describe her church ass yeah no so alyssa kept i took six shots of fireball while during my hour

while i was on stage gross it was one of those gigs it was a total flashback to like you know it looked like a knife yeah it looked like a nightmare from days of old oh yeah all the lights were on like they couldn't have had more lights on in this church there was a meat raffle there was a meat raffle they were drinking all day so they just kept whipping airplane shooters a fireball at my dumb ass like like i had a head on a swivel and i caught every one of them and when i would catch them they'd be like oh hell yeah like lose it it was that kind of show so i'm on stage being like hey you know nice tits oh cool look at this guy's dick you know it's doing fucking road comedy everybody's nude yeah you can see everybody's shit yeah whoa she's got him he's got one damn well alissa and her girlfriend were like two jugged up babes like as far as having them is concerned they own them all right these aren't

rentals yeah so uh we uh the show went fucking great but then i get off stage and my beautiful is blotto she is thwacked she is dunzo gunzo i she i walk off stage and she runs up to me and she brought three bottles of red wine and it's all over her like she has spilled numerous glasses all over her blouse her mom and i'll get to that but uh i'm in the back of the room trying to sell my merch and suze comes up and she's like uh you know like trying to help me sell merch and like not helping at all and then alissa and her friend the girls who brought me liquor come up and suze is like you better get your step back step back he's married to a doctor he's not doing anything with you guys and then she asked me she's like do women throw themselves at you at every show and i was like yeah i'm a stud and she was like you better never cheat on my goddamn daughter

in front of people trying to buy merch yeah i'll fucking kill you yeah she's like i'll fucking people trying to buy merch yeah i'll fucking kill you yeah she's like i'll fucking i'll do it i know i'm little but i'll fucking crawl up on you put my goddamn fingers in your eyeballs i'll crawl into your brain like soup i'll crawl in your b-hole and explode your ass i saw i saw it on a documentary called the boys look me and becker have been talking okay it's the best thing i've seen in so long oh due to rules i've seen it it was great and then they killed the guy by putting him in a bag of coke yeah slapping him yeah even though he probably could have gotten bigger but he didn't for some reason magic of movies but so i'm selling merch and then cut to uh denise my aunt-in-law comes up to me and she's like uh we should probably get out of here.

And I'm like, why? Suze is on stage dancing. She's just on the stage, dancing around. She's like Nell. It's like Nell-like movements. You know. In the wind,

in the wind, in the wind. There's music playing right no it was acapella dancing and also i shouted her out during the show i was like that's my mother-in-law sues and she like got up and like did like a weird white girl like shuffle you know so i was like oh crap so i was like oh crap so i was like oh geez shnikes so uh we peel her out of there then we have an hour and a half ride back and uh so jerry's in the car jerry's 90 years old she's fun she didn't hear one fucking word

of what happened at the show because she didn't put her ear her earpieces in she just sat there she felt that she felt the room she did she sat there she was like it was nice to be around so many people laughing but i just couldn't hear it uh she's like i'm tired of being the oldest person wherever i go out and i was like well yeah jerry's because everyone else your age is dead everywhere i go the clubs the comedy shows yeah the farmer's market i was like yeah jerry i mean look at the bright side you should be in a home you know and that didn't hit like i hoped it would you should be dead for sure yeah i was like i mean you'd be in alive as a crime but we're in the car and as soon as we like get out of the church parking lot, I hear in the front and it's Sue's opening a fresh bottle of wine.

And Jerry's like, Oh, I don't think you need any more Suzanne. And Suzanne's like, shut up. Y'all bag. He's like, you had a bottle and a half in there yourself.

And she's like, well, I'm not showing it like you are. And she's like, well, I can have more. And Jerry was like, well, you had enough to spill that wine all over the ground in the church. You stained a church carpet with wine. It's the worst thing to happen in that church ever. Yeah, ever. Well, that was a good line i said this is the most time i've ever spent in the catholic church without repressing it uh that got a big pop so we're riding back seems like a big pop jerry and suze are just

needling each other and denise is in shotgun trying to like you know ward it all over and meanwhile dave is driving 10 under because everyone's just drinking wine recklessly in the fucking car sloshing it oh sloshing it spilling it sue spilt all over her own goddamn van seat and uh this was the big one so sue's in her house has a lovely dining room and then her bedroom is off to the side of the dining room and there's a bathroom between the dining room in the bedroom and jerry says suze is like well i'm just having fun it's not a big deal you know and jerry's like well you're gonna feel it tomorrow and you know suze is like just can it you creep you know whatever uh and jerry says well yeah

suzanne luckily you have a bathroom right next to your bedroom and suze's eyes flare and she's like you're the only person i know with a toilet in your dining room and denise is like oh shit you know she's like the mean black kid with glasses on falling sideways you know that gif and dave is even laughing up front even though he's afraid that you know we're all going to jail and suze is pissed after the toilet in the dining room comment so then we ride for the next 40 minutes in silence damn that was my night a lot of fun shout out davis and he rates 13k for the parks in davison michigan because uh that's the only thing wrong with that city is the parks everything else is totally pristine oh dude also this was the best at the church show. I go to use the bathroom and I walk up to the bathroom and a guy comes out,

this old dude wearing like a non-veteran hat. And I do the classic how to go in there. And he just looks at me and says, don't. And I was like, oh, I was just kidding. And he's like, no, don't go in there don't and i'm like what he's like don't go in there and i'm like okay is there a different toilet and he's like yeah so he walks me through the kitchen to another toilet and i go in that toilet and there's piss and shit all over the ground

it's just a tide of piss and shit so i tell the guy yeah you gotta try you gotta see the other one yeah let me check let me check out what you did because i'll bet it's not this unless you killed somebody in there. I'm going to go in there. Yeah. And I was like, well, hey, man, this one's flooded. And he says, oh, fucking shit. Because when he was in the other one, what don't meant was he flooded that one. They both got completely ruined completely ruined both got wrecked like just decimated so i so he ends up being the building manager so he's just like

fucking he doesn't know what to do so i'm about to go on stage so i go outside and i piss by the dumpsters and then i go on stage and i was like uh oh so the host makes the announcement like hey everyone by the way the toilets aren't working so those toilets are completely fucked well she she was trying to be nice about it like you know so the toilets are are not working right now but the urinals are working but you can't flush them so just let it fill up everyone uh or gentlemen if you need to use the women's room and all the women are like no yeah that's where we dump yeah they're like no no no no so the host is like just like kind of freaked out like okay well i guess go pee outside uh so i get on stage and i'm like uh you know all i know about davis and michigan so far is all the

toilets are absolutely destroyed and everyone's acting like they don't know the cause but uh ladies and gentlemen it was mike it was mike he's the building manager and i point to mike in the back of the room and he does the thing where he like puts his hands up and looks around and then like 70 year old man darts through the door he just bails he wrecked the bathrooms mike destroyed them i told the story about the don't thing everyone loved it but yeah so halfway through my show used him up halfway through my show there is just a slow tide of piss and shit working its way into the showroom whoa yeah there's just piss and shit coming around the corner on both sides of me on both bathroom sides so i do my time and it just reeks like a slaughterhouse in there

whoa man that's great classic road gig dude and then today i went and did swim lessons with baby susu oh nice i went to the pool yesterday for uh wally's kid's eighth birthday hailey and that was fun while he just had his child what are you talking about hailey is eight she is sierra's daughter oh so therefore wally is partially responsible for her for her well-being yeah it was pretty fun there was a kid that had that did the whole the classic like spit like a fountain you know like spit a bunch of pool water out of her mouth and i was like oh my god that's more piss than anything i mean salty chlorine piss you know and then water is like third oh dude i know i was in that swim uh i was in the swim class today with a bunch

of like five months five month old to two year olds yeah they're just going they're going in there left and right and you have to be excited about it yeah it was me and then there were six other parents and like one little mexican kid was just scream crying the entire time damn he was just in like they're like no but not using words you know yeah just fucking weeping and meanwhile susu and i are like killing it she was so good dude there was a whole part of it where you just have to dunk them. So yeah, there was like a 10 minute period where it's just like one, two, then just hold her head underwater. Pop her up. So yeah, Uncle Hammy got a dunk baby Seuss. Yeah, that sounds fun. It was so much fun. I fed her three apples today and a bunch of raisins

she was jacked is that how she did that magic trick with her butt oh dude that was a huge dump dude that was so impressive i like how you pointed it out like i didn't see the turd that was almost standing out of the toilet dude that turd is bigger than her calf yeah it looked like that had to be like i'm surprised the kid looks so proud and not scarred yeah she's looking like i know what i did yeah like you see this shit old man y'all think you're in charge yeah she turd cucked me i never i never have to yeah she thought she was done for the year so man i get to go to the next grade i mean dude she sat down on that thing and like hannah was like hold on will you see this and i was like what are you talking about so it's every time it's every time oh my god i mean i

gotta post that on the patreon maybe i'll post just the bowl because my beautiful niece is nude in the photo yeah that's definitely the mood that's the move don't don't put her in it is the biggest turd i've ever seen not just from a child but from a man a woman bears don't even lay them this big yeah i mean it's pretty good for sure pretty good lun i mean no hyperbole is that not the biggest turd you've ever seen i don't know i mean i've seen some gross mounds and she's going into a dry bowl which is uh which affects your the image which affects your the image dude it looks like a football becker show pysher and let's get his reaction i was i was just showing him actually pysher we need your reaction on this they want your

reaction on it there's no fucking way that it's from her look at that face dude you know that's from her look up sam sat on that child's toilet yeah by sure i sat on a baby toilet and it didn't explode sam's holes bigger than that hole yeah by sure they built that toilet around my ass it's the biggest turd i've ever seen and it came out of just like this perfect little angel she doing once a day or what no she does it all the time yeah it's like you said it's the cocky look that does it for me looking at you like yeah everybody knows i'm the shit yeah and also like i'll send you guys i would have sent you the live photo if it was a text thread but she does that and she's

looking all like and then she turns and she slaps her butt three times I've never been so proud of any family member and my uncle liberated you know Danang so yeah she's the best uh

I got nothing I wish I could if I could dump with no water I'll bet I could blow your mind too I think I could shock you I could shock the world well yeah I think we could all out dump this baby but not proportionately I could shock the world. Well, yeah, don't get me wrong.

I think we could all out-dump this baby, but not proportionately. I don't know, dude. I mean, I think that turd probably weighed, I mean, that's maybe an 18th of her body weight in that bowl. That's what I mean. I don't think we can proportionately beat her weight to body weight but yeah it's like half a baguette of pretzel bread in that bowl it's like it's like a third of a loaf of rye bread and it's so dark it's like midnight black uh it's all the raisins it's so dude i just feed her raisins and ram will be like

okay that's enough raisins i'm gonna leave the room and i'm like let's eat more raisins so we're just cramming raisins all the time like she was fucked up at swim practice dude when she was doing the float on her back she kept nodding off it was like becker's 19th birthday don't dunk me do whatever you want i can't do shit leave me down there yeah hey uncle hammy why don't you hold me under a little bit longer because if i go out now i go right to heaven because i'm already an angel yeah i gotta post that photo on the on the page yeah i guess dude it's i mean if you have footage of kennedy's assassination from a different angle you have to post it and that's what this is yeah i guess the subpooter film dude it's a brick of Adobe mud. I mean, it's so big.

And then Hannah had to scoop it out of there. And, you know. Bare hand. No, I mean, she she grabs it with a she grabs it with a paper towel. But yeah, exactly. She had to use the tongs they use to handle isotopes. Oh, my God. I don't think I could do that. You couldn't because you're not strong enough no yeah you'd snap a wrist hefting that brown mound god yeah dude i mean i loved her

already but when i saw that i was like that's my niece and there's not even any of my genetics in her well yeah that's true maybe I'll learn from her yeah she's here to be queen whoa the first thin whoa no she's not a glow she'll never be a glow

she is she's a Lebanese princess she's just gonna take the biggest shits of all time I mean maybe not be a glow. She's a Lebanese princess. She's just going to take the biggest shits of all time. And not be a glow? Maybe that'll be her claim to fame. Yeah. Maybe we can get her going viral and make a bunch of money off of her massive drops.

That'll be like when people say they're selling merch, they're like, new drop coming? We can say that with Susu. Just be one of her turds all his nfts physical nice fucking turds but yeah we raised a bunch of money in davis and michigan that was sick for what for the parks oh yeah we got to protect our parks so that more cops can kick homeless people out of their parks i don't even think they have homeless people up there dude oh yeah i mean

it was just like uh you know a very caucasian community in uh north central michigan so you have more cops patrol the parks and make sure nobody's playing basketball in them yeah exactly no basketball hey if you guys are gonna play basketball it's all bounce passes no crossovers all right if i see anyone slam dunking i'm getting the taser out yeah we had uh most of most of the parks in evergreen park when i was in illinois got uh the basketball the rims got taken out and it was like oh cool uh we used to play here and now we can't because there was a black kid that dunked one time and they're just like nope we should probably get them out of here and then all you could do is learn the fundamentals yeah just a bunch of 12 foot set shots that kind of thing oh, I think the guy on the airplane home, I just flew home.

I think that he purposefully moved from the middle seat next to me to a different middle seat. Yeah, that checks out. That hurts my feelings. Was the person that he moved next to also an unconscious giant piece of shit? No, no. I mean, he moved into, like, a better situation. But also, I ate, like, six cups of garlic paste before I went on that plane. giant piece of shit no no i mean he moved into like a better situation but also i ate like

six cups of garlic paste before i went on that plane because i always eat a bunch of i would eat a bunch of middle eastern food right before i leave dearborn every time right how could you not so i was just like reeking and i was sweating garlic oh dude this this i'm to dominate in the pod i'm sorry but the guy who got on the plane in front of me this giant black dude was soaked through his t-shirt he was a fucking guo for show like uh like uh like fuck like ben duncan size yeah he was just soaked through his tea, just dripping. Suspenders? No suspenders, man. He was a black fella. They can wear suspenders.

What do you mean? They don't wear suspenders? They can, but historically, it's a white guy thing. Okay. Yeah. He was Jewish, which is kind of a... Demilitarized zone. He was the fattest man I've ever seen on an airplane and he was so wet that

as i went to scan my boarding pass the two young women who were working the desk were like that man was goddamn drenched like did he where'd he run here from toledo he was soaked and then i had to follow him down the jet bridge and he just reeked poor guy he reeked so bad of what his butt just of being i don't know he smelled like ramens like packets he was just it was a savory blend where was he i wonder where he ended up. Hopefully not in the middle. Dude, I would have got off the plane. I would have commandeered. I would have gone to the cockpit and taken the goddamn pilot out if I had to sit by him.

I'm crashing this thing or he's taking the next one. The guy leaves his seat next to you and then comes back a few minutes later and is like, sorry um i tried to trade up and it's it's it's pretty bad out there yeah i didn't think it could possibly be worse sitting next to the biggest fucking wad on this plane that smells like garlic but uh you're a treat compared to that man who looks like he was just baptized like he was baptized in soy sauce he smelled so bad oh yeah and then before he got on the plane he put on a denim jacket well isn't that isn't that an attempt to uh to tarp it off to uh soak he's gonna soak through another layer for everybody else's

benefit i guess right he's trying. No, dude. That's like when you dip a burrito in batter and make it a chimichanga. He just sealed in all the flavor. He chonged his own ass. He chimed his own chonga. Yeah. And then he sat there for three and a half hours. Just soaked.

Just he was so soaked. I felt so bad for the guy. Total chonga. He must reek all the time. Like, no one can love him. He was so fat and smelly. Nobody picked him up at the DIA? Yeah, I think that they had to pick him up and transport him.

They don't describe his travel plans as travel. It's all transport. How are we going to transfer him from town to town? Transpo. Poor guy. Becker, where are we at time-wise? We got

10, 15 minutes left. Let me talk. I got you talked for a bit. Well, I was going to mention i got offered oh yeah so this dude uh hit me up about trying to get me to do a show in uh levita which is an hour away but it was because he like he was like oh there was a miscommunication and so i need connie two to three comics in levita but he spelled it l-a-v-i-d-a

yeah like ricky ricky martin style instead of l-a-v-e-t-a which is the name of the town i think he lives in texas or something so he's like up the date for this random levita is like 700 people it's like nobody lives there. Kayvon lives there, right? Yeah, Kayvon bought a house because there's like four there, so they're all probably pretty valuable. He actually got one. He has a crazy view

from that house. He won't allow me in. There's not a lot of people that live there, so I figured, oh, this is going to be a bad show. There won't be a lot of money, but I'm close. I almost felt bad for not doing it. Then I figured, oh, this is going to be a bad show. There won't be a lot of money, but I'm close. So I almost felt bad for not doing it. And then I was like, shut, like, you don't have to.

There's no duty. There's no, like, union bylaw where it's like, you must, if you're able, if you're able to get to a show, you have to honor the code. You know, so I was like, all right, I'm not going to do this. And we had to record anyway. So that was and turns out, so I, you right, I'm not going to do this. And we had to record anyway. So that was.

And it turns out, when I clicked on his profile to see what his deal was, it shows you, because he had posted in the Facebook group, hey, I'm coming to Denver. I clicked on his profile from there, and it showed another time like seven years ago where he was like, hey, me and this other com worker are going to try through denver do you guys know of any like venues or like good shows that we could and then nobody liked or commented except you and you said hey does anybody want to do all the work for these guys and so that was pretty cool like it was from 2015 i'm pretty sure it was from 2015 or 2016. And you're like, you blasted him, uh, which is funny. And, uh, so yeah,

he ended up, he said that he got people to do the show. I can't imagine that it was, uh, any good. And I'm also sure. Yeah. Probably sure.

One up there. Probably sure. Was it you? He stole an electric bike. I'm sure. Was it you he stole an electric bike pysher was it you and daniel perez was it you with daniel perez what's he doing looking at the phone he's just staring he's he's tuning out yeah well my computer audio is not as good as my

headphones that's why i run my headphones too oh very good yeah no i'm glad you didn't do that show i mean that's my one of my biggest pet peeves are when people post in those facebook groups and they're like hi i'm a comic you've never heard of from a town of 12 people i will be coming into town who has paid gigs for me and my buddy milky me and milky are trying to do it me and here's a tape we have from a talent show at a community college you can't tell that it's not us me and the milkman are trying to get paid gigs we'll headline but well and we have to we'll feature too uh tobler's been pretty good at at lighting people up when they come in there with a bunch of nonsense and he inquired about like the pay and stuff but uh i don't know i don't know what the

deal was but it was funny to imagine like who would have dropped everything and been like oh shit i gotta be first to get a get in here i'm going straight for the dms i don't want to leave a comment and then somebody dms and gets the gig but yeah i would imagine it was bad i would imagine it was one of those like where it looked like your gig but actually how those usually go which is where it's bad the lights are up nobody laughs they're super mean they call you gay and then you leave. Yeah, with $75. Hey, that I drink like a fifth of fireball in an hour. They carried me out of there. Well, they actually had to carried my they had to my mother in law out of there. Yeah. Another thing that was funny is our next door door you know we have uh a couple people that

live in what used to be this like you know there was four rooms that were just a room and then you share the kitchen and bathroom so there were like four different people over there a couple were cool and a couple were dumb but they're gone and now it's a woman and her daughter and her daughter's kids and it was like no um but it was like 90 degrees over there because their ac went out and i didn't know it and so we found out and megan was like oh we have this like uh standalone you know plug-in uh swamp cooler kind of thing you know you put water in the bottom and i was like we're they're gonna break it because the mom has locked her keys in her car four times i think are you whispering because they can hear you i'm scared it's easy we have thin walls so i'm scared but anyway this alleged i'll do a blind blind item this alleged neighbor

has locked her keys in her car so much the locksmith has now been able to buy a brand new car you have a super spy next door well so yeah i'm curious what's going to happen because also she wants she locked her keys in the car when it was running. So then that, like, fucked up the battery. So it's just like this series of unfortunate events. Mr. Bean lives next door. And he's always getting several pairs of pants trapped around his ankles. And then he, you know, wrecks the bathroom. Accidentally floods the toilet.

He pulls a mic in Davidson. I forget so many times he's flushed. Don't you look like you look like he was like memory, like remembering war crimes he committed in Vietnam. Don't fucking fear in his eyes. You caught me. Yeah.

You can't go in there though their solution was just use the urinals and it's like there's piss and shit there's inches of human refuse on the ground what are you talking about yeah he forgot which one goes in what he's a little bit of a glow so he shit in the urinal well everyone was just pissing in the sink by the end of it washed his hands in the toilet yeah i'm worried that this woman is gonna like you know you have to put water into the bottom of the swamp cooler i'm worried she's gonna like late in there no she's gonna put like fire in there just start i think you start a fire and then that kicks on the AC unit yeah we'll see she's like you know puts gasoline in her mouth puts food into the car's gas tank

it's a wild over there I got wild on an airplane right here I thought I ate uh one milligram of xanax but i ate two and boy was i floating through the clouds baby i was in the plane outside the plane whoa i get why becker wants to be a drug addict drop out tune in and then drop out baby drugs are the best daddy becker did you ever eat zans yes i ate so many zans i miss heroin more than any of my friends that killed damn becker i never wanted to do heroin until right then yeah like oh shit you're coming in in garbage time yeah that's why you listen until the end yeah lunda lund had that great story about the swamp cooler and i was like fuck this is how we're closing? Shut up. Becker pops in. Becker coming in.

Last night when I can't sleep, God. Everyone in town would just assume I was getting pussy and sleeping better. No one would assume I was back on heroin. They'd all just be like, wow, Becker's smiling a lot. Becker, you can do heroin once a week. it's non-habit forming for those over 30 yeah exactly your your brain's fully formed now

i mean i'd have to make like a hundred grand a year to afford it how about you and becker are you and peicher just find some opium down there i want to grow opium i have seeds hiding for me where my uncle left them i just need to go get them well why don't you start growing opium down there i want to grow opium i i have seeds hiding for me where my uncle left them i just need to go get them well why don't you start growing opium and i'll come down there and fucking get some china syndrome with you yeah dude we'll just do it let's land our sides and have pyscher wear a big hat and he can just keep fanning us and feeding us grapes yeah he's in he can't hear this right now but he's in lund would you do opium with me and the boy uh i don't know uh the best you decadent i mean heroin's better yeah but heroin's like scary whereas opium is like oh yeah i'm wrapped in velvet bottle Waddle me, God. I'm ready to go home.

Oh, yeah. And then you have a cigarette like 45 minutes later and it's back. Yeah. Yeah. No, I remember smoking opium back in the day. And then like 10 years later, the guy who sold us the opium was like, oh, yeah, that was not opium. That was just like it was called Red Dragon. I think it was like asbestos melted down or something.

Jesus. Yeah, but it got me good. One time I smoked opium in Connecticut and then I had intercourse with a girl who couldn't come unless her nose was in my mouth. Okay. That's a new one. That's easy enough.

Yeah, I was honking her schnoz. It was great. Did you have to be closed on it? She was easy enough yeah i was honking her schnoz it was great did you have to be like closed on it or just like and so she was she we started it we started with her on top and then like we couldn't get the angle because she was she was so short so she couldn't get her face to my face so i had to get on top of her and then that was just me like know, pounding away while laying on top of her with her nose. I was like, oh. And she came.

So that was cool. Yeah, that's how I imagine it. So I'm glad that's how it was working. Yeah, I gonzoed her. I mean, it sucks when I'm on top no matter what. She was like five foot tall and like 95 pounds. And I'm just like trying not to kill her while keeping her from breathing yeah that's not fun those were the days man you

were burking her ass oh yeah I was burk city usa you should just put burka on yeah just pinch your nose then i could come um guys i think that that's been an hour and uh i i am i am wiped over here yeah you wouldn't shut up well yeah but i had a bunch of cool travel stuff you had snacks from three different uh shipping supply companies i had fun and i had a little adventure and then i and then i stayed home and ate those snacks so i didn't have a lot to throw at you i didn't have you know i don't know about my nephew eli's dumps but uh eli's got nothing on susu oh he dumps not like this kid dude they're eating eli beef jerky and skittles over there they're fucking hollywood they don't care he eats celery and soda water you god that poor kid susie's eating raisin she's eating apples

she's eating more raisins eats cheese every now and then i feed her a cigarette butt so that it comes out in her dump yeah Yeah. Whoa. What has she been eating? It'd be a funny gag. That'd be great. And it's like, what the fuck, Susu? Susu's like, lay off, mom. I play by my own rules. You have one.

You palm one. You know, you bring it inside. And then she dumps and you get it in there before anybody sees. Yeah. And they look and they're like, holy shit. This isn't good. I mean, dude, it was... I'm going to post it in the

Patreon. That's what I'm going to do. Yeah, go to our Patreon. Speaking of the Patreon, guys, you should join chubbybehemoth.com's Patreon. What is it? It's patreon.com slash chubbybehemoth? Yeah. Is that right? And you can hear an episode featuring this woman right here dr emily dr t dds dr t percent splat i was telling him about that turd that susu took the huge one oh yeah pretty impressive you want he wants to

he wants to share it with the world all All right. But yeah, join the Patreon, man. We're fucking really cooking. We're doing cool stuff. This won't be the first picture of a child's turd that will be on the Patreon. Is that true? No, of course not. I mean, it is true. Wait, it is not true.

It's true that we don't... I don't know if we should show this child's turd oh we are for sure it's just the turd it's just the turd if you want to see it it's five dollars a goddamn month uh patreon.com slash show behemoth uh hey denver this wednesday june 15th i'm headlining comedy works noah reynolds is on boy. All right. We're bringing the heat. I'm delivering all of the cool comedy you could ever want. And I'm going to tell you guys this as listeners to this podcast. If you use promo code overalls, the tickets are fucking free. All right. Don't tell them to say that. I'm not supposed to say that ever but hey no one listens that works at the club so overalls denver come out for free come see your boy at comedy works downtown the real one the one where a tell committed skanks to the memories to audio wax kid show business was recorded right there in that room code Code word overall is a checkout. Free tickets.

We're both going to be in South Dakota. That's cool. Rapid City. When are you going up there? Friday. All right. I go on Thursday. My show is on Friday at the Opera House or whatever.

Come up to the Black Hills Comedy Festival. And then the following week, everyone everyone wednesday the 22nd i am at helium in portland salem infinity room that thursday and then savage henry comedy club that friday and saturday come on out turn around give that big booty a shout hit the flow get Get low. Get low. I'll be at the O for Lucha Libre in last June 24th, Denver. You can come to that. Maybe Noah will be there. I'll give him the doomsday device

with Mitch Jones. Yeah, yeah. Go see Lund. But just come out to see me. Lund, are you going to come up and open for me at Comedy Works on the 15th? No.

All right. Well, that hurts. But join the Patreon, everyone. We love you. We need you. Becker, final word? Hey. That's my final word.

You caught me way off guard. I was toggling mics and getting ready to kill the recording. He was eating a cigar about where to get fucking quesadillas after midnight. There's no quesadillas after midnight. I wish. You guys live in a big city. All right. Love you guys. I'm going to go smooch my wife.

Bye.