Chubby Behemoth - Tetris Style

Episode Date: March 22, 2025

SPONSORS: TUSHY - Support the show and get 10% off your 1st TUSHY bidet order with the code CHUBBY at https://www.hellotushy.com   TURTLE BEACH - Level up your game and get 10% off @TurtleBeach with code TBS at https://www.turtlebeach.com/CHUBBY   BONUS EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   This week the boys are in Toledo. Nathan tells us about a recent pawing, might be an asset, and doesn’t have time to worry about exposed crack. Sam had his butt out the whole time, chimes in as an expert in Cleveland Style, and is worried about Nathan getting activated. Sam visited his favorite waiter in the world.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Mutiny Coffee: [e-mail]

Oh shit. What? We're recording. We're recording. I wasn't even holding the mic up to my mouth. Secret pod. Well, Becker wanted to get his shit in. No, not at all.

I'm cutting that out. We can't let that get out, Becker. Yeah, never. We really need to respect our partners and their privacy. Yeah. Just because Creech wants to bring a third into Lun's relationship doesn't mean the people need to know about it.

It's not a third, it's three guys. She's like, I'll love you forever I'll like you for always as long as you're living. My fourth you'll be. My hubby, my hubby you'll be. Len you're my fourth meal now. She said why don't you yes and like you never do for Sam on the pod. I've been listening and I'm like, you're not supposed to Emily and Creech need to start their own pod called. Yeah, they are that gross called Shut the fuck up. Yeah. And give me a baby. Are you increased trying? God, no. I told you about the recent time that Megan and I had sex. That was the time. Yeah,

we're not hanging and banging. Yeah, you just started clawing at her, right? And she was like, what's going on? I woke up, that was my move a lot of times drunk was clawing at her and then this time it was the big paws. The Sunday after being gone Probably had a bloody Sunday I don't care so am I Now yeah was very

Yeah, was very dead tired, slept for however long and then woke up like, eh, eh. She's like, what? I was like, I want to fuck. Yeah. Well, yeah, nobody wants that regularly. They want it now and then. No, but I mean, just that verbiage is a tough one. Fuck me. Yeah. Like if you're coming off the bench after, I don't know how long it was. I'm going fucking, wanna come? Four and a half years.

No, no, no. However long it was. Right, no, it was not. The first time you initiate, you just go, baby one, fuck me. That's worse. Well, pawing. That would be worse. Yeah, well pawing, yeah, just get it.

Great time. Give me the peach I Don't care. There's a pit in there. I'll get out. Yeah, I'll swallow it whole. Yeah, I'm gonna plant the seed in my belly I'll have a peach tree. Yeah, I'll have a peach tree growing in my tongue I've been eating a bunch of dirt So it's pretty cool that a peach pits going in because otherwise I've been wasting all this great dirt of dirt so it's pretty cool that a peach pit's going in because otherwise I've been wasting all this great dirt. My grandpa always said he had a watermelon growing inside of him and it felt like there was a fucking watermelon in there.

It was crazy. Yeah it was a tumor. It was a tumor. Yeah. It's a giant tumor. It was a Reverso Quado. Quado had a couple, Quado had three, his top three, and they were in a, in a, well, not a polycule. Yeah. Polycule is a seven to 12 people. I like to think that Quado had to go underground for a while. He was letting the heat die off. He was on the underground CIS railroad. Cis gendered.

That's what we are. You claim that you're poloidial CIS. You prayed it away. Yeah. Yeah. I've been, you knowalist, you prayed it away. Yeah, yeah, I've been, you know... You didn't pry it off, you prayed, and God removed it forever. It's going to come back. As a devout Muslim, when I pray, I get on my hands and knees, and I bend forward, and as you know, my pants aren't big enough, so my crack was being aired four times a day.

Your pants aren't big enough to hotbox with God. No. Emmy, the other day, we did some yoga and she came by at the end to adjust me and she was like, has your butt been out the whole time? I was like, yes, definitely. My butt has been

I've been airing my taint for everyone. You said Emily or the teacher? Emily. Was there a class? No, we did it in the living room of our shithole in La Junta So nobody saw no, but it just like yeah for the last half hour My butt has been out as I've been trying to like listen and breathe sunshine on it Yeah, it's better than on my shoulders. If you think sunshine on your shoulders makes you happy get out there and spread cheek, man

You had your yoni. Yeah Take the eye patch off your third eye. Yeah, it's funny that Emily would ask. She knows. She knows. Also, I've told you, you'll act like I'm insane for not caring. And it's like, guess what, buddy? If I cared every time my butt crack was out,

I wouldn't get anything done. Nobody would have a hat, that's for sure. This podcast never would have started. You'd still be in Reno. I wouldn't have had enough material for for one special, you know, gearing up for a second. Definitely not enough material for one ass. Not enough material. Yeah.

Not a lot of material for my pants, let alone an hour. Yeah. No, your butt's always out. It's funny. I got to get different pants. Now you're it's partially the pants falls partially get different pants. Now you're it's partially the pants falls partially my butt not being big enough. Well, you're embracing it now more because back in the day I would bust you. I'd put a pen down your crack and you go, Oh cool. I hated it. You hated it so much. Yeah. I mean,

he was like, come on man. Quit. Quit. If you don't want me to do it, no sell it brother. Yeah. But no I just feel like. Yeah. You tried to ignore it a couple of times and that just made me find larger and larger things to insert. I remember one time tonight putting a dill pickle spear down there dropping that down right in your butt crack and you had a wet. And it's funny because the spheres are kind of triangle. Yes. So I tried it. I put it in Tetris style and it perfectly slid down.

I think we were to Jason's deli in your park meadows. And then you had to like, I feel like I would have killed you. In line, you had to like dig it out of your ass. You left it. What do you mean left it? You put it in there and then walked away? I slip and slide it you. It fit in perfectly. It's like the keystone.

It went right in. This could be bullshit. No, it the keystone. It went right in. This could be bullshit. No, it's totally not. Welcome to lie time. It's one of the greatest works. Damn. No. I don't even remember.

I was probably drunk. I think you were drunk. Did I have a shirt on? Yeah, we were at Jason's deli. They made me. I think it was somewhere where they had a pickle bar and I was like, watch this. Hey everybody, hold my beer.

Pickle prime in your butt. That is a nasty guy. And then he had to dig it out. He didn't talk to me for like 10 minutes and I was like, dude, that was really funny. Yeah. I know you're mad, but it was funny that you'd be like, I know you're pissed and like, wonder if you, if you should ever trust me ever with anything. And I'll tell you you're never gonna know for sure but yeah I had to so you can't be met it's fine yeah anyway I stand behind it I stand I stand behind you for the exact reason I carry on that jar of pickles every time you hear that that pop you just and this is the other thing if you

know you know what's going on, you know the deal. And then, For sure, I invented the deal. Same with Emily, to still be like, come on, really? And it's like, yeah, what do you mean, really? Yeah. You think sometimes my butt's not out when I'm bent over for an hour?

Uh-huh. No, it's out. Or when I'm seated on any airplane for some reason. My fucking ass, dude, every time I sit down on an airplane seat, it's out. And then I sit there and I know the whole flight that my butt's out, and then when I get up, I have to do this maneuver.

I have to go like this, I go. I press my butt against the seat until I can get up and like adjust it. So it's this, you have to like grab, and then like, like rise.. So it's this. You have to like grab and then like rise. Rotate counterclockwise 70 degrees. Have you guys considered higher waisted pants? No because you're forgetting that we have a belly so we don't want to go full cobble pot on this. I'm gonna grab my beverage. Cobble pot is

the fix though or classic move of one of our friends suspenders or braces spenders are sick I'm always thumping men at our shows yeah when they come up and grab their hand I say yeah come on you son of a bitch I know about you I know the dirty dog I do my and you pull the suspender no so then I hit their back and I'm like Oh spenders Hey, I get it I feel it dude I wore a belt and just was raw Dogged yeah for so long like a fool. I thought oh I have to wear a belt. It's not to feel shame No, suspenders are right there, but I never made I never pulled the trigger. I don't need a belt ever again

Yeah, I should fucking well. I need something with more with more Elasticities fabletics trousers are what I'm on these chinos and they're my favorite pants though. Yeah, those look good I've been paying the fabletics tithe, you know about this No, once a year, they'll be like, hey, do you want 12 pairs of shorts for a nickel? And you're like, yeah, and they're like, okay sign up for the fabletics like fab the number one fab man club so you sign up and it's nickel or whatever it was it was 20 bucks and they sent me like at least seven pairs of shorts there's ones that I had for Rome that had the phone pocket underneath the flap yeah I could stay safe and look sly so anyway I didn't know that once I signed up for that thing

much like Columbia House Brother I've been getting punished 65 bucks a month and then they're like, hey, don't forget to use your credit So every time you remember you're like, oh fuck then you get on there. It's like what can I get for a credit? It's like a pair of socks 65 65 bucks a month and all I can walk away with is a fucking Ascot is a hat that says fabletics number one fan club Kevin Hart got they get it back for they're like, yeah free pants and but then really you're paying for those pants

I know so I got on their own Christmas time and I got these pants and a couple other pairs of pants and a t-shirt 12 shorts for a dollar. I don't need any more shorts, bro I'm gonna revamp my entire shit and no one's gonna know what to do with me. It's gonna be nuts I'm talking seersucker chore coats. I'm going full ZZ, bro I'm ready to go back to Alberts and buy ten more pairs of pants. Oh rock them I went and had them tailored on Tuesday. Mr. Albert's hooks you up pants style Now you're ready for the big op ivy reunion show. You're gonna be out there skanking. No, I got them like cut like thirties trousers. I got you got finance gear though. I wasted deep, deep crotch one break in the

pant leg. Yeah, but they still are what like skinheads wore in 1977 to go stomp people out at Buzzcock shows. Yeah. Yeah. Just a different shape, but same fabric. You know what? No one knows about the shape. Oh, well. Only mods know about the shape. Are you a mod?

Do you have a scooter? No. Do you have a Vespa you haven't told me about? I don't have any Italian scooters. Are you drinking absinthe out of a copper flask? That'll do. I'll get in on that. Yeah, you will.

Patchy mustache. Yes, I do have a patchy mustache. Curled patchy. Well, it's better than a Cherokee mustache. Now, Lund, you will. Patchy mustache. Yes, I do have a patchy mustache. Curled patchy. Well, it's better than a Cherokee mustache. Now, Lund, you were telling me. Two truths and a lie. Oh, by the way, I was talking to Joe List the other day. Do you know?

Name dropper. Oh, sorry. What, are you trying to get laid? Yeah, Becker, bingo. No, so, because I asked him about a certain comedian, well, a show host that we have been known to have fun with. Tell the Joke. Yes.

But you don't want to say his name. That guy sued Tuesdays with stories. Recently. He like, not that far off ago. Why? Whoa. I think for similar antics Nice no We can't afford to get sued. Oh, you're saying by Renown. Yes. Oh, no, and I just said his name. I

Think I think he'd hit us with a cease and desist before we get hit with anything more you think so Yeah, I think I think column suit and probably played through a cease and desist before we get hit with anything more. You think so? B.A. Baracus is what we'll call him. Suit him. They probably played through a cease and desist, like who cares? I think that I should get on that show. You should. But how could I have fun with it?

Because here's the thing, Byron will edit me out if I don't play by the rules. Really? Of course. Don't you remember all the episodes where they blurred out someone's face? I don't remember any blurring, but I guess I remember episodes with the worst... Yeah, they had John Doar on there and he just had like a blurred face and then Byron would be like,

John, so you like bumblebees? And then it would cut and it'd be like, wong, wong, wong. It was fucked up, man. It was scary. Surrealist. This is real life. Just tell the wrong jokes. Every time he sets you up, goes completely different. So Sam, I heard that you went to town riding on a pony.

We're gonna get in trouble. Oh sorry. What the shit? Anyway. You're are. I almost meant that. Like I got scared. Like no, he'll destroy us and we're getting into something. No, we're doing good, man. We're in Toledo kind of. Yeah. No, we are in Toledo right now. Now we're saying we could put this behind a paywall. No sound. What is this? Super producer. That is the heat or the air. Why do we need the either on it's perfect in here? We've created I didn't think about fucking with the houses. Don't you're gonna knock that off.

I don't know if it matters. It might not matter. It doesn't matter. Oh, yeah, it's not picking up on the second They complained about road noise. This is road noise man for a second I was scared because I shouldn't rent out a mobile home. I couldn't tell what it was So I was like what the fuck that's new. Oh, I got scared. I was a little scared. I'm I'm pretty stoned Yeah, this just in I tried weed just this just in true dough

I kissed a girl didn't like it smoked weed loved it. I Feel like there's a lot to catch up on dude. We have like too much stuff better you so Becker Yeah, we gotta we gotta get back. We gotta get back her last week Let's leave into Denver flight. Yeah, me and you on the same flight. Yeah, Lund's like 12 or 13 rows in front of me. Living the sweet life. Just far enough that I could. Stroopwafel in each hand.

Doubled it now. You just keep looking back and going, a lot of guys think you're doing it to them. Yeah, I'm getting everybody riled up. I'm taunting them. Oh, who's a Browns fan, huh? Yeah, I can tell you look like you never smiled in your life. Hey, that guy in 32A is a pedophile.

He just go nuclear. This lady just said the N word. What the fuck? You don't want to know what you said about Byron Allen. Oh, no. What did it? What? But Yeah, Becker. Yeah, I said tell the story to a nut job. Becker, I heard you had a crazy flight recently. Yeah, yeah. That's right, Byron. Shit. It was I'm Byron Graham. That's how we get around it. We have our friend Byron. Yeah, our ex, our former friend, biracialron. Byron A. Graham. Byron Graham. Becker, your

anecdote. So yeah this guy's sitting next to me. Regale us. Older redneck gentleman he has a USA hat on that's like word ninety-five like word art font and then it's got a USA on the bill but the S. Times New Roman. The S is upside down. the fat part of the s is upside down times new Viking very funny to me after I want to kill him that like even his America Pride hat is a piece of shit but he's like you hate America's was not just like over in my chair he keeps like actively like digging his elbow like into me. Well, it's hard because you're tiny now. Yeah. It's not like me.

If you grind your elbow into me, what am I going to say? Hey, what am I going to do? Feel it? Yeah, right. Maybe my sister's active and I was on the aisle. I was doing the thing where like I was actively bleeding out of my side. I was all the way on my one arm rest. Oh, yeah. You're leaning out. Still getting put. I'm leaning out.

Bum, ba, ba, ba, ba. So when I finally decided to be like, hey, yeah, you're leaning out. So like, still getting pumped. There's a good amount of room. I'm leaning out. Yeah, so when I finally decided to be like, hey, man, you keep elbowing me. Could you stop doing that? And then for him to- Real quick, real quick, before you tell this part of the story, was he going like this and then whenever you looked over, he was showing you a picture of a babe on his phone? No. No. No. Was he showing you a blooper video? He

was showing me nothing cool at all. Was he nudging you and did he point it like a stewardess who was bent over? No, he was just being like 55 year old guy who never flies being like this has to be the same as my position on my couch at home. He's in the middle, right? If I don't get the way where I smoke cigarettes when I yell at my wife, I won't be able to handle this trip. Like he was doing that shit. You're the one that reeked of sick I kept doing it. We actually both you both Know Mavericks. Yep. So you he's in the middle now I've often noticed that a middleman will try and immediately occupy both armrests because he's like this is all I fucking have

They think it's they think it's whoever gets there first much like getting up out of this Seat or their birthright again I wouldn't even have like started a conversation with somebody over having the armrest because it's like what I can put my arms like this I'm gonna hold a phone and watch TV on it anyway. I'm gonna jack it on my phone anyway. But he's like actively it's just annoying. It's insane that he, or the only way he could get you as many times he does if he gave no thought to it at all. Right, which is why I was finally like I could just say something nice to this guy and it was like hey man could you quit bumping me and then he was like I'll kick your ass. It's so crazy.

And I was like, that's the first thing he says. Did you nudge him when you said it? No. I turned to talk to him. Yeah. And then he was like, I'll kick your ass. And I was like, I'll fucking kill you. That was my immediate response immediately. I mean, he went from one to seven.

And then he went down to stewardess immediately to be like, this guy's trying to threaten me. and I was like he was elbowing me I asked him politely not to then he'd say he kicked my ass. I told him I'd kill him and the stewardess was like Boy and you guys just stop So just stop work it out amongst yourselves and then like walks but then the kid next to him tried to lean forward and be like, there was, oh you scared me. It's moving. It's fine that it moves. Is it haunted in here? Is the man in the basement? It's a glass table. Are you playing snake? Not setting on

it. But the kid next to him leaned forward and was like, yeah there's really no reason for him to be like that. And I was like, then you fucking cuddle with him. And the stewardess was like, oh, just figure it out and walked away. And then they- Here's a stroopwafel. They kicked us off. You fucking cuddle with him? Yeah. That's what you said to a child?

I thought they were- Over a nudging man? I thought they were together and he was defending like his dad or his uncle or somebody. They don't know each other. Random third party. Because then I hear them talking because I turned off my fucking silencer headphones. But then the plane was broken. And put on your suppressor on your pistol.

On your ghost gun. So they made us evacuate the plane so they could do a repair. And thank God, I don't know that I was gonna sit there for two and a half hours and not lose my privilege to fly. I was so fucking mad. And then when we got to the airport, I was like trying to calm down about it, but I had to keep checking to see. I was so fucking mad. And then when we got to the airport, I was like trying to

calm down about it, but I had to keep checking to see where he was because like I wanted to have eyes on his position. Oh, I fucking hated him. In case he was going to wage a secret war. Just when somebody asked you politely to like not be an idiot, to be like, I'll kick your ass. Yeah, that's a wild response that doesn't make sense. Yeah. Like, you... All kill you is reasonable. Yeah. No, it's...

Why would you... Why would Becker be reasonable? This guy threatened violence because you said, I think correctly, you had a mask on, which probably triggered him, made him... This guy's a pussy. He thought I was already a pussy. This person's a pussy. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. He wasn't sure. The sideburns aren't enough for him anymore. He's been tricked before. Well, hey. 2025. Yeah. He wasn't sure. The sideburns aren't enough for him anymore. He's been tricked before. Well, hey, 2025. Yeah. No. Legalize girls with sideburns. He's been left behind. He's lost.

Halle Berry had sideburns. Remember those spikes that black girls had? I saw several women in Cleveland last week with John Waters mustaches. Whoa. We saw that one when we were leaving Alberts that we clocked together. That was tough. I did not. I did not care for her face. mustaches. Whoa. We saw that one when we were leaving Albert's that we clocked together. That was tough. I did not. I did not care for her. And then I saw another one who had the rest of her makeup done perfectly. Yeah. Beautiful hair. The baby curls laid down flat. Amazing. Hers was, I think it might've been penciled in. It was a perfect fucking mustache.

Maybe it was just like the dark upper lip liner. I was meaning to ask, is this a thing that's happening? Is this a style in Cleveland that we're unaware of? You know what, as an expert on Cleveland style, yes. A lot of the women there have pencil-thin moustaches. And a lot of them also ride in like three-wheel scooters. And then there'll be a lady in the sidecar and her name is Gizmo and you better not feed her after dark.

That first mustache we clocked is maybe the hardest in recent memory I've had to stifle. The hardest you've been. No. Oh. I almost exploded. Men are from, I'm thinking men are from. Mars. Mars.

Women are from Venus. some women are from Freddie Mercury this this guy they want it all they want tits and a stash and I say do it put it on somebody there's a big backlash over a woman's like a young actor actors back having a little hair on it in a picture and men are freaking out. They literally, the guy said something like, he might have been the main character on Twitter a few days ago, he's like, ugh, this is why, what, Disney got bought by China or something.

She said something crazy because a young actress has a little hair on her back that you can see in a recent photo. This is on Twitter? Yeah. So here in a recent photo. Is this on Twitter? Yeah. So here's a weird phenomenon that I've been experiencing. Whenever I open Twitter, the top thing is typically just some horrifically racist thing. Oh good.

Well yeah, now they're banning anybody that says anything about the administration. Huh huh. Wow. Yeah, it's a lot of, now it's this bashing Bill Burr's wife. Yeah. It's a lot of that going on. Hmm.

Does she have back hair or what? Does she have black hair on her back hair? Oh, here's a woman named, California couple deported after living in the US for 35 years, and then someone named Lauren Witzke said you love to see it USA Well, that's who you're following. No, I'm not following. That's who you follow. I don't follow these people Yeah, that's a yeah. I mean this just in Twitter's Mento

Yeah, I mean this one. I can't read Geez, so you're really getting it. Yeah, it's like why me? I never open Twitter. That's probably why. That's probably why it defaults to showing you Proud Boys stuff or whatever. I mean this is a woman saying something horrific to a man of color. And then right below that, Rob Schneider. That's probably the last person left you used to follow that's still on there. What?

Everybody's, like most people have left. I'll stay on there for news. I don't think you should be on there. I think you're becoming weaponized. I'm worried that you're going to be a Manchurian candidate to tell you the truth. I think you're going to get activated. I think it's going to be the perfect pair. Nobody's working me. Oh, honeypot. It's going to be a girl wearing a Marilyn Manson shirt and she's gonna be brawlous.

Yeah, filled up, stuffed. Your activation phrase is congratulations on your goal weight. Oh wow. And then you just become a weapon. 200 and QD5 pounds. Yeah, in that moment you start attacking senators. Head butts. For everyone.

I'm worried that you're gonna start attacking crab buffets. We have to go to that buffet. We do not have to go to that buffet. We should probably go. You need to fight the war in your mind brother. We're not going to a buffet. Had a lot of stars. I didn't get to see this old man of Becker's. I wish I would have. But I told him. I tried to talk him down because I'm like dude I have come to realize that you can get mad in an airport But you can't fight over anything in an airport. So really you can't even get mad in an airport Yeah, because god forbid you fight like you there's eight other things that have you ready to go And then this dude says I'll kick your ass like oh you want to just bite bite the apple yep you can't go you can't so you can't go you have to go

dog you have to go dog mode and you guys probably both get high enough that you do not you're not as likely to get pissed I don't like being super stoned in the airport because I like being dialed in and get into my shit or whatever and not blowing it not forgetting my fucking hat pillowcase or whatever which I would if I was high enough and then just be like oh good shut up well they would have to cancel all the flights for that that's how my kids are going to college is hats it's like it's the is it a bomb threat what's going on they like calling the bomb squad it's even it's even

weirder it It's a red pillowcase that's full of hats and they all have one one word written on them. We looked it up. The only word that it actually translate to is big huge cock in Hindi. Yeah. So let's just say this. We're having a hard time taking it seriously. We're having a hard time taking it seriously. That level is orange. We're for clown cautiously optimistic that it's just hats Well, the guy your hat pillowcase really has been haunting you all day, too

No, you brought it up so many times about better blasting your ass for the half You got me it's not just fun the hat case though that I'm blasting you about it said it's funny that I Man of my principles. I love your principles and I agree with all of them. But the willingness with which you are to like police them and tell us about people that need police. And then you're like, what am I going to do? Buy something to fix this problem?

Like exactly. That's how we're all living. No problem. It's a pillowcase. Stuff with hats. The only thing that's been annoying about the pillowcase is having to like try not to put it on the floor of a bathroom. Oh yeah. I'm lugging your fucking checked bag for like a half hour and I want to kill everything that I can.

Like put it in a big hole. Because it's big and heavy. You have the excavator and just beep beep. like put it in a big hole because it's big and heavy. It's big and heavy and unwieldy. And the only thing that was nice is having the pillowcase tied up so that you just roll it next to you and wash your hands after you take a shit. So yeah, I mean, here's the beauty of that

is you can get one of my bags and not have to carry a big old pillowcase. So far so good. far. It's pretty good You look like you're smuggling puppies you get on the plane with that pillowcase over your shoulder looking like that and people are like You know what? Maybe we won't go to Fresno. I will say it has kept the hats incredibly nice Oh the hats have never been more pristine keep a good shape great crease nice side by side When he puts that sweater in there. What are you going to do? It looks like he has a system.

It's pretty good. It's almost like you guys don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Hey man, what am I going to do about it? I'm just a tool in Perrysburg. You know what we could do tomorrow besides test drive an ID buzz? Yeah. Toledo Zoo. Ooh.

Wait, it's good, right? They do live feedings there So they'll feel feed a cheetah. Oh No, what's yours? Well, maybe live feeding maybe if we get there early enough they're feeling the seals we got a couple celebrities everybody from the chubby everybody from the chubby, what, Bahamuth? I don't know how to say this. Anyway, chubby guys are here.

They're the Toledo Funny Bone tonight and it says tickets are very available. Tickets are OBO, whatever you got. Here they are, Sam Talent and Natron Lard. Natron, tron. Telet and Neitron Lard. Yeah. Then they just come out and they hose us down. We have to clap like seals. And then they like throw out a watermelon and we fucking eat it off the ground.

A bunch of kids are there and they're just like scared. They don't know what to do with this new information of this is what men are. Becker's there clapping us on. He's like, our dad. He's like, yeah, good work, boys. He swears on camera. Yeah, he's like, these beeps are fucking great. I've known these fat beeps for a long time.

And none of my other beep friends are like this. I was so proud of myself for not cussing on radio on accident. When were you on radio? Oh, yeah. When I was here. Yep. And my assistant. With you, Drangus.

Yeah. I gave up my spot. I stepped aside. I said, Becker, get in there and make us proud. Becker's been shining. Becker's shining bright. He's a star. And you know, the real stars of the show, though,

are the people who come see me live and you can see me live in Vancouver, Washington. It's right across the border from Portland. Please come to that show at the RV style in event center. Or is it the RV in style event center? They made me rerecord. No, I don't remember because it's not my fucking responsibility. No, also be at Powell's Books. Oh, yeah. And hey, Literati in Ann Arbor this week. Literati, my big book release. March 25th, you can get my book wherever books are sold.

Oh, my God. Get that fucking book, you little pixie dream boys. Go get my book. And if you're in Ann Arbor. It's got the answers. It's got every answer. All the pure laws of the puzzle are in there. You'll be found if you just wander into the woods with your dick in your hand. Tells you where to go and when. Guess what? Yeah.

Right between the lines. Get a little piece of Sam. Yeah. Read every other word and you'll get the real story. Activate. Congratulations on your goal. If you thought the Turner Diaries were boring. Tch, tch, tch. And you start shooting.

Yeah. Tch, tch, tch. And you say, yes, ma'am. Tch, tch, tch. Yeah, so come to Litterati. Shoot your dick off. Tch, tch, tch. I start crying.

It doesn't hurt, though. Just like, wah. Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt. Uh-huh, yeah. I start crying, it doesn't hurt though. Just like, wah. Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt. I'm like relieved and never felt freer. Finally I can use the bathroom I was meant to be in. So. The family one, the handicapped one.

The handicapped, yeah, cause you blow my knee off. And then I just have a scooter start. I'm like, I'm gonna have to do a head start. I'm like, I'm gonna have to do a head start. I'm like, I'm gonna have to do a head start. I'm like, I'm gonna have to do a head start. I'm like, I'm gonna have to do a head start. I'm like, I'm gonna have to do a head start. I'm like, I'm gonna have to do a head start. I'm like, I'm gonna have to do a head start. I'm like, I'm gonna have to do a head start.

I'm like, I'm gonna have to do a head start. I'm like, I'm gonna have to do a head start. I'm like, I'm gonna have to do a head start. I'm like, I'm gonna have to do a head start and then they have to push me and I'm just brrrr brrrr brrrr brrr great. You shoot me in the dick, but it's so hard. It ricochets off. There's so much more bullet left after taking out the prime target. Yes. So there's collateral damage. It's almost like there was two bullets. Yeah. So anyway, Litterati, Ann Arbor, the 25th.

Come see Lund's going to host me doing a reading and a Q&A. And then come see Lund and Kristen Tumi in Detroit the 26th of March at the Independent Comedy Club. Come on out and see me in Detroit at the Post on Kershival doing my Detroit Big Book event. Lund will be there as well. And then Vancouver, Washington. I won't be there, I'll be doing other stuff.

No, you're coming. No. Or else you're not in my will anymore. I'm in your will. I am. And that's what matters more. I give you a can of black eyed peas with a message on it. It tells me coordinates to where the treasure is. I got some treasure for you right here, pal. Dix Tinkley gave us a big bag of chocolates.

I know where those are over there. We should put back. We should probably have one on the. We should probably have one on the air. We should probably not chew into the mics. I don't plan on chewing. I don't plan on chewing. I'm just gonna let mine melt in my mouth and not in my hand.

Like a zen? That's right. I want one so bad. You're not talking, you told your story. Yeah, he did good. Now you have to shut up again. You've been doing a good job. Been doing a good job of shutting it.

Should we talk about our sponsors? Sure. I think it's sponsor time, and by that I mean I get to eat a chocolate while you tell us about- Oh, fuck, wait, no. I have to eat a chocolate. Tell us about the sponsors. Which one's this?

This one looks like it sucks. Dark clusters. I don't like dark clusters, I like cream. I'll take a dark cluster. I like cream. Cream clusters. Better be, bro. Yeah, cause you kept it even though you know I wanted it

and you're like, oh, we don't have any. I thought you were a dark chocolate guy. I'm not a dark chocolate guy, man. I'm not. Well, speaking of, our first sponsor is Tushy. And if you want less chocolate in your pants, they can help you out. Coffee gets better and better.

Extra hour of daylight is great for the mental health. One extra hour to wipe. Not so great. I know a lot of you guys are living by candlelight and sunlight, can't afford to keep the electric bill on. So now yeah, you can just, oh, I think I got it all. Yeah, when you're wiping at dusk, you have a little more time to get

in there. But but it's not so great for the morning routine because it's dark and you don't know where the light switch is. But if you're spending 20 minutes on the toilet at the best of times, you need a tissue bidet. It was the best of times. It was the worst of times of spending 20 to 55 minutes on the toilet. It's funny thing about a guy who can't find the light switch because he's blindfolded. He like escapes the kidnappers cage that he's been in. He's blindfolded and he's bumping around the abandoned home. And then he's like, what am I going to do with my freedom?

And he just goes and he uses the tushy. He's been so muddy for weeks. Has that guy just been caking him? He's like, I know what I'm doing. I'll just fucking, you know, out of my butt matted like a stray dog Oh, yeah, turn the hose on me Tushy things comfortable in the bathroom while getting you out the door and on with your life I've got shit to do not shit to take

Remove 99% of bacteria with fresh water instead of spending hours endlessly wiping. And that last 1% must be fucked up. That is some virulent bacteria. It'll kill us all. Yeah, if I can't clean it off with all of my ointments. That's what built the pyramids. The all-new Tushy Aura is an electric bidet with an auto open lid and seat, instant warm water that never runs cold, and UV sterilization for next-level hygiene. Finally, man. You could brush your teeth

with it. I've always wanted to get more robots in my shitter. Yeah, they don't judge. They don't say, ugh, God. Yeah. Like that little man I had living in my toilet. I gotta quit this job. I let a little tiny man live in the top of my toilet tank. He was aquatic. You know, he had a houseboat in there. Yeah. Promise. Doc promise. Yeah. And then when I was done, I say, all right, time to clean the boat. And then I'd stand up and spread them. And he would spit in my butt. And this is a lot better than that. The Tushi Aquaponic, is that what it was called?

The Aura, Tushi Aura. It's an electric bidet that knows what you need and what you want. Even if you don't know yourself. Yeah, what? How does it know what I want? It does, it's the answer. A clean ass is not even in my top 10 things.

There's UV clean answer. Not even in my top 10 things. There's UV sterilization. Everybody loves that instead of getting vaccine UV sterilization. That's why I can't have kids. UV sterilization. I kept hanging out on the water. Like all to see bidets, it attaches to your existing toilet with no need for additional plumbing You don't have to go get a second

Toilet you have to get a new toilet. That's a common misconception Oh my god, does your bidet how many toilets do I have to buy to get that thing up and running? I just use the one in your house I can only use one toilet in my house because I don't fit in the other bathroom seated. So yeah, I feel like After chilly season we're gonna have to take it in the other bathroom seated. So yeah, I feel like after chilly season, we're gonna have to take it in the backyard and put it behind the barn and blow its brains out. You got your little koi pond. You could fill that. But a day over my butt is clean man, I'm not gross. Yeah man, Tushy Bidae's rule, you should get one.

If you're thinking about it, if you're on the fence, you're getting a bunch of shit on your fence. Get off of there, get a Tushy Bidae, and then you can get back on the fence without worrying about having to paint it white over and over again. Yeah, no more tricking Tom Sawyer into coming over and doing your thing.

Give it a shot. Whitewash, what is this, history? over and over again. Yeah. Then we're tricking Tom Sawyer into coming over and doing the other thing. Yeah. Give it a shot. Whitewash, what is this, history? Whoa. Come on, I'm political. Jesus, whoa, we're nailing it. Tushy's gonna sign up for life. Give it a shot, and if you're not a fan,

return it within, give it a shit. What do you have to lose? Yeah, who cares? You can't get any more filthy. You're gonna be dead soon. You should probably, give it your last shot. And if you're not a fan, return it within 30 days. No questions asked.

Like, how many people use this? Yeah, they're not gonna judge. They're not gonna be like, hey, do you have a pet alligator that chewed on this? What happened? Did a Yokozuna staple come over and use this toilet nonstop? Yokozuna staple come over Do you have 30 people come over and everybody had to dump was in the parking lot at a dead show

Hey, did you like use this at a chili cook-off or something clearly a million people Stay out of there. Save it for the next episode. Reclaim your comfort zone. We have to do three tonight. Reclaim your comfort zone in the bathroom. For a limited time, our listeners get 10% off their first bidet order when you use code Chubby at checkout.

That's 10% off your first bidet order at HelloTushy.com with promo code chubby. Get your shit on. Yeah, and it's cool because the Tushy now doesn't have the, they had that thing where people were accidentally setting the Tushy aura to kill instead of to clean. It was a translation issue at the factory. Well, there was good and there was evil,

but people thought they were being cheeky. And, you know, it was just like one is a little more aggressive of a stream. One's a laser. Yeah. Yeah, just. Whoooooo. Gane whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee whee I want another one. I just chastised him for attempting to have another chocolate. He should have two, I should. He needs to, he needs to gain weight. You're on a special medicine that's supposed to prevent it. You can't even sit up to get your chocolate. That was fake! I can get it any time I want!

Chair explodes. Chair cries. Chair goes to a different Airbnb. Chair wishes it was a Tushy. I knew you were going for the Chewy. Yeah, everyone would go for the chewy. You disseminated them. You decided who got what. We got shitty almond clusters. Look, you and I are getting the same thing. Good. Oh, man. That big old paw coming out of his like, creach.

Baby want candy. This fell out of your shorts. It's not even a drum. It's wrapped. Hey, what's that white boy looking at me in there? Is that a little white boy? What's his deal? I'll get to the bottom of my head.

White cluster. I have one of those growing on my neck. Your ploidal cyst is back. If you're looking to upgrade your gaming equipment. Oh cool, is this like a transformational body surgery game time This is about getting penises attached Check out turtle Beach Should I take it from the top sure if you're looking to upgrade your gaming equipment check out turtle bitch

I forgot about it. It's all right it until you first said it right. Their Stealth 700 headset is, and this is their italicized emphasis, INSANE! And a huge step up for Emmy Gamer. For any gamer. I wish. Yeah, she just wants to be solitary on her phone until she falls asleep. She's still playing Candy Crush. Yes.

But now she can hear all of the little delicious candy delights. Yeah. All the sound effects of chocolate turning into a gumball or vice versa. Yeah. Crystal clear. Because she's gaming. And you know what? I'm having a fifth cluster.

No, dude! I'm eating all of them. I don't care. Put them away, dude! No, we're going to town. Becker, we're not riding on a pony. Oh, dude. I'm eating all of them. I don't care. Put them away. Oh, we're going to town. Becker, we're not riding on a pony. We're having fun. OK. You know, it's really fun. Gaming the stealth 700 headset is insane.

It's comfortable the way for hours on end. Has an 80 hour battery life and the sound quality is top tier. You'll never have to hear another woman's voice for the rest of your life. Sleep with it plugged in, you pig. It's called it while you rest. Yes. And you never rest. You wait. You wait for the rain to come and wash away. You hear whether you're playing Call of Duty or not.

They even have the industry's first ever crossplay dual wireless transmitter system. God damn that's that's huge. The industry's first man and this industry has been budding forever and ever. With the cross play dual wireless transmitter you can hear up to eight people scream slurs. So switch between your consoles and your PC with the click of a button and fire up that ... no, I'm not going to say that. It's a multi-tasker's dream. Oh yeah, for sure.

That's good. I know that when I'm involved in online death match halo, I also am often doing my taxes. So it's important to be able to have my CPA on there walking me through what I can and can't write off You know foreign travel different rate. Well also Being called all the slurs that we used to say, you know and a couple new ones Yeah new ones that you don't know but you know, it hurts even more because I feel old to now there's slurs for white That's what I was gonna say I've listened to hunter playing his video games. And the only words under Biden

understand my buddy Hunter who's been on the pot. The only parts I understand are the slurs. We got them on the pop the like in the background making fun of it. But like the the way they string words together. It's like that moon zap a shit like it doesn't even it's not language. And the only parts I understand is when they hit hard Rs. And I'm like, okay, so they're angry. And if it's not language. And the only parts I understand is when they hit hard Rs. And I'm like, okay, so they're angry. And if that's not technically a personal endorsement,

I don't know what it is. Uh oh. Let me try to use it. Oh, you want the white one, right? Yeah, I want the white one. Sorry. Headsets and flight simulators to controllers, keyboards and mice.

Why would you need mice? A lot of people like to PC game to controllers, keyboards, and mice. Why would you need mice? Plural mouse. A lot of people like to PC game because you get better graphics, better latency. You can build a computer as strong as you want for the money. I feel so incredibly stupid right now and I wish I wasn't being recorded. No, it's all good.

Because I think, I didn't think of a mouse for gaming. Yikes. I thought it was like something you could feed a turtle at the beach. We're PS five guys. Whatever you need, Turtle Beach has the ultimate cheat code verbatim. Head to Turtle Beach dot com and use code chubby for 10 percent off your entire order. That's 10 percent off your order at Turtle Beach dot com with promo code chubby.

They'll ask you where you heard about them, support the show and tell them we sent you get the ultimate immersive gaming experience with Turtle Beach today. God, I love headphones, man. You know, that's what this pod's all about. Listening to each other. The only thing I like more than comedy sets is a headset. Dude, that last one, by the way, cherry filled. Oh, my last one was maple filled. See, that's's my favorite one and you said we're having the same kind

It was crazy. I fucking tricked they were the same shape. He got us one of each thing. So there's no no repeat There's no repeats shit That's fucked up eat the whole thing. Oh, I couldn't possibly I have to pod You said verbatim we did you're not supposed to Well, I read it verbatim didn't I'm in trouble now letter of the law. Well, hey turtle beach If you want to come and get me, here's my address He went Sorbo on us Kevin Sorbo. Yeah when he screamed emotion

He screams several times in the Hercules series, the line directions. Really? Oh yeah, we're here. Get on horse. Emotional! Get on horse! And they left it in the edit because it was Hercules. What?

Let's use it. Yeah, it's like Kevin Smith used to play videos of it. How much more Kevin Sorbo facts do you know? That use it. It's like Kevin Smith used to play videos of it. It's how much more Kevin Sorbo facts Do you know that's it? I just very much remember emotional Now Sorbo, he's a god guy, right? Well, yes, and he's an outspoken like conservative values We need to get back to the way it used to be when everything was perfect whenever he actually quoted perks of being the wallflower When everything was perfect and nobody hurt nothing hurt

We were infinite. He says he thinks that he wrote that book. I'm reading that book and how like mind-warping it was. Mm-hmm Well, yes when you were in it, what did it come out with 33 when it came out, but I was 14 Yeah, I was young now. Oh oh, you weren't young. You were never young. You were always old little. I was pretty young. I was in college, I guess, and I was young. Hey, Nathan, we're going to go play dodgeball. Oh, good.

I wanted to get pelted with rubbers today. I was the coolest guy anybody ever seen. They used you as the ball. They called me the hammer. 99? Call me the meatball. 99. The book came out in 99? Well, yeah, I graduated high school in 2000. Yes, that would have been right right perfect

I was a freshman or whatever. Yeah, we both got molested by our ants spoiler alert That sucked. Yeah, that was a tough twist. Yeah, we were like wait what? Like you just think that you're like the same guy as this guy and it's a cool then you're the exact same guy it's like whoa I didn't sign off on this I didn't sign my rights I know I didn't see a dime there's two things I love saying I'm going infinite standing out the top of a

sunroof it's one thing I hate being molested by my aunt. Same guy. Who wrote this book? Me? I identified with a child called it because I, uh, my mom tried to kill me every day. Yeah. Uh, that was fucked up too, man. That was a tough one. What about perks or no? What about the perks of taking perks?

No, what about this one? The perks of being on perks? Freak the Mighty. Did we discuss Freak the Mighty on here? I don't think so. Freak the Mighty. Freak the Mighty was a film based on a book and it's about a gigantic Mongoloid boy.

Just a real Mumpo is what me and Clay Da Hawn used to call him. He's a Mumpoid, a Mumpo, Mumpo hate push. He's a human mule and his whole job is to just kind of push that kind of kid Yeah, and then there was a little half boy, you know a real squeaky Joe I do think we watched this in a classroom Yeah, so he was like, you know a little half man and freak would pick him up and wear him around town Yes and Freak would pick him up and wear him around town. Yes. Master Blaster.

Master Blaster style. And they would go to the movies or go to the candy store. Yep. And he would get the candy he finally wanted off the top shelf because this fucking human burrow below him. And I identified way too much with the big Freak child. Yeah. Because that's all he was good for.

Yeah, they had like a bully who was smaller than them. Yeah, I do remember that. When together they could take him on. The bully was that redheaded weird fat kid from like the big green and shit. Really? I think it was. The Sandlot kid?

Yeah. In Hamilton? I think he played like the meaner, like fourth or fifth grader. What a son of a bitch He was supposed to be a good guy Lady bugs last one by the way That was rockin Pretzel ooh what in a maple walnut?

I Had the best one for sure if you want to feel better one of my earlier ones was just raisins Do the one that I got out of there first anyway fucking marshmallow. Oh, no, it was chocolate around a marshmallow Yeah, that's the worst what it's not even melted I'm not around a campfire I'll eat a whole bag of uncooked marshmallows. Yeah, I like a marshmallow, too. I like to smush them up like rubber cement and make a booger. OK, you know what I'm talking about?

No. You ever really like liquefied a marshmallow on your hands? No, it's napalm, dude. It goes crazy. That's one of the stickiest things there is. How hot are your hands? Well, when you're doing this for 20 minutes. Yeah, when you're like, until it's put in the work,

when you devote most of the day. And you go like this. What? Slime, that's why. I mean, it's beyond slime. You wanted to make slime and you had marshmallows. Slime. I'll figure it out.

Yeah. It's like, I'll take it from here. Come see me at dusk. Uh-huh, when the crow flies. Yeah, no, I did, that's a fun one. It's super sticky. Yeah, that sounds like a nightmare. I would hate it. You can't. That's half the fun.

Palm reading? I went to dinner with Adam Eaget and his girlfriend. Was Joe List there? No, no, no, no, no. So, go ahead. What about Freddie Prinze Jr.? Did he show up? No. He no no. But what about... So go ahead. What about Freddie Prince Jr. did he show up? No. He didn't pop in. Well hey you were the one bragging about

seeing Jay Gillespie at Safeway so... I wish. Sorry. I haven't seen him in a while. I went to dinner with Eaget on Sunday before I did Brent Gill's show and Rose Battle and... What a night. It yeah, all the stars were there. Teen Mom was there, dude. I met Teen Mom. Aren't there a bunch of those? No, Farrah Abrams. Oh.

AVN backdoor slam winner through like three years in a row. Yep. You know about this. I know about the Teen Mom. Farrah Abrams is also a porn star. Yeah. And a lot of cast.

What the shit? And a general personality. No, not right now. I'm outta here. No, no. Hey, hey. Play me off. Not that exciting.

I think it's mostly for guys who grew up watching Teen Mom on MTV. Yeah, I mean, her face is different than the human form traditionally. She's more cat-like. But anyway. Oh, dude. All right, finish up so we can talk about

Catwoman from last night Yes, get yeah, and then go to bed Joe not jack off We got a fucking six pack of different spiced eggs Okay, well, let's just tell this story then yeah, so me and you get go to this place called Fuck Harry's bird. Can you bleep that dude? I can't. I'm sorry.

I will. Cause this has to be our secret place. Yep. It's with the waiter. Me and Eget go and the waiter's there. He was there. That's why we go there. Okay.

Eget calls ahead to see if our man is working or not. And then that decides on if we go to this restaurant. So it's me and Eget and his beautiful girlfriend. And we're having, you know, I love him. We're having so many laughs. Roxy Castillo. It's a blast. But so our waiter is the man. He is so just very much himself. I can't give, I can't describe him too much. Longtime listeners will know.

Yes. What? Oh, we've discussed this man at length. I guess I don't. I think me and E get talked about it on the app that we did. Because he told us a joke one time that fucking nuked us, and that's when we fell in love with him,

and that's why we always go back, because he's so just He gentleman. How are you? Good to see you back here. I wonder who's picking up the check It'll be it'll be easy to know because I'll know whose hand is in whose pocket Well, he's like weird double entendres and stuff. Yeah, that's good. He's always pouring the water. He's unctuous. He's unctuous. What was that guy's last name?

But it's kind of like this, right? He's more like this kind of... Byron. Byron unctuous. Like a John Lerichette but with all these thrown in there. Frazier. Anyway, guy rules. And all night I'm just waiting for him to tell us the joke that he's going to tell us

a joke every time he tells us a joke. This is the joke that he whispered to me. It's a new one. Yes, it's a new one. Does it involve spices? No, there's no pepper involved in this. Okay. All right.

So he says, what do you get when you finger a gypsy on your period? Jeez, whoa. What what's up turtle bitch what do you get when you finger gypsy on her period get what you fucking deserve what what is Oh. Oh. I like it. It's a good joke. There's nothing wrong with it, correct. So I have the unpleasant experience then of having to say it to Eget's lovely girlfriend across the table and Adam. And I repeat it, and let's just say that

half of the audience loved it. Well, but why didn't Adam like it? Yeah, very good, yes. Because it was actually Adam's joke. He wrote that. He's Romani. Wasn't getting residuals, yes. So that was nice and then I judged Roast Battle

that evening and boy was it just a grab ass affair. It was nuts, dude. It was like there was eight of us up there. Jay Light and Pat Barker, the Roast Battle guys, are there, Moses is hosting. But then you have the two pornography actresses, Feri Abram and another very famous pornography actress whose name I don't remember.

She was very nice, she was funny, she did a couple funny things. What'd she look like? Red hair, very much worn out. Don't say that. She's had a tough time, You know, Oh, Ellie clutch. Uh, I don't know, but it's not, it'll be on the roast battle that comes from the mothership, whatever. But then you also have up there. Those are the four people. We have a blackout,

almost drunk Tony Hinchcliffe dressed in golf clothes. You have Kurt Metzger, you have Joe DeRosa, Tommy Pope, and old Sammy T. holding down the end of the line. And boy were the five of us just having a hoot and a holler. You were the judges. We were the judges for roast battle. And there were some good battles, it was fun, whatever. The kids were funny, but man, the shit we weren't saying

into the microphone over there was like some of the funniest shit I've ever, dude, Tony, he was saying a lot of stuff into the microphone. And then like, even Metzger would look over and he would look over at me and Tommy and go, this is fucked. Metzger was like, this is fucked. I know, and then you have DeRosa in the middle.

Tommy's like spazzing the whole time he's up there. He doesn't like write one zinger. He just like, he's like, what the fuck do you mean by that? You know, he's just doing cartoon Italian. I'm doing some real slam dunk at the end because I have the whole dais to like, you know, write my fucking kooky ones. Yeah. Man, there was a, there was a woman who was Native American and she had an abortion. Oh and I had a really good joke about it. Yeah I bet. I did. I can't wait to hear it. Should I say it? No. Okay. Alright. Buried in the backyard. Amen. I'll dig it up. We gotta go tune in next time to hear the joke. Whoa. That's a good joke that's fine right? I don't know.

You don't know. Everything is everything. What the hell? Well, should we get rid of it, though? In the context of a roast battle where everybody's trying to say the worst thing to each other. Mm-hmm, yeah.

Yeah. You know, that's the kind of thing that happens on the roast battle. Yeah. You never know what's gonna go down. Supposed to leave it in the room. Oh, you're supposed to take it down. That was my joke. No, I know. Okay. I gonna go down. Supposed to leave it in the room. Oh, you're right. That was my joke.

No, I know. Okay. I was just kidding. Very good. Let's go watch Freak the Mighty. You know what I'm not kidding about is these people joining the Patreon, right? Yeah.

God, you love that, don't you, Becker? I do, I met some nice Patreon listeners tonight. Yeah, there weren't a ton of listeners, but there were a handful, which is great. Yeah, super nice folks. Yeah. One guy got all the way through his sale with me before he went, wait, what's your name? And I said, Becker.

He goes, Oh yeah, I listen to the pod. Oh, what? You're Becker. That's funny. No way. Yeah. It's funny to have people say how much they have. Somebody told you, like, I've heard heard you I've listened to you so much

Yeah, so much of my life. Yeah, he was a broken down garage. It's a family. Did he? Yeah I mean he named his kid whiskey and cigarettes Whiskey pee cigarettes. I can't wait for the day when we meet the guy who's not excited to meet us But is geeked about Becker. Yeah, you know back guy. He like face smushes us out of the way to get to Becker. Oh Becker! He's like what if... The guy with the shirt, what was it? The order of... Oh yeah, he had the firing order of a Ford 289 on his shirt. Mm-hmm. Yeah. One three seven five six oh nine. One three seven five six oh nine one three seven five six oh nine started up it's written on my t-shirt the number for the safe that contains your heart

becker i want you to cut that joke out earlier oh yeah okay yeah yeah yeah just the punch line you know it's a quick edit, you know? Whoopsie. That'll be a cut. Yeah. But you know what you don't have to cut is us out of your lives.

Join the Patreon, patreon.com slash showbyhemoth. Get involved over there. Come see me, samtalent.com. I'm coming to Houston, Kansas City, Comedy Club of Kansas City, of course. Iowa City, I'm returning to you. That's exciting. Omaha? Omaha, yeah. I'll be in Iowa City, in course. Iowa City, I'm returning to you. That's exciting. Omaha?

Omaha, yeah. I'll be in Iowa City, in Omaha, Lexington, Kentucky. Oh, fuck, I keep forgetting about Lexington. Yeah, come to Lexington, man. I've never done that club before. And yeah, thank you for supporting us. And sorry, you can't hear the joke that I made. Buy the book, buy a hat.

Buy the book, though. People bought the book. They should probably have a hat. You know, it's easier to read a book when you book, buy a hat. Buy the book though. People bought the book, they should probably have a hat. You know, it's easier to read a book when you're wearing a nice hat. Yeah, it's easier to read your hat if you know how to read my book. Start with the hat, if you can read the hat confidently. The hat does come in braille as well. You're ready for the book. Yeah, but hey, remember this book has a new forward by Doug Stanhope and it also has a preview chapter for my next novel novel Brute. So there is a little bit of an Easter egg in there.

Brute the Mighty. And every third book you buy. Brute Almighty. There's a chance that in every third book, there's going to be a hundred dollar bill. No, there's a chance. What's the chance? Zero out of a hundred? I'm just saying zero is a chance. That is a percentage. No. Yeah. That's literally no chance.

That is a type of chance. Yeah, that's literally no chance. That is a type of chance There's a type of chance. Yeah, so Remember, there's a chance that there might be you know, tickets to the Super Bowl in one of those books. Whoa, that'd be sick That'd be fun. It'd be really fun There's a there's a chance the chance the rapper might give you a kiss take a chance on the book He's single again. Take a chance on me. Becker with the Chance the Rapper gossip update. Yeah, he's what?

He's getting banged, huh? His wife left him and like his whole musical thing has been about getting his high school sweetheart to marry him and she left him. Damn. All right, comes to me at Powell's too. March 29th. Bye.

Oh, my dick. Bye. to March 29th.