Chubby Behemoth - That's A Solution

Episode Date: May 21, 2021

Filling Overalls. Let The Stink Out. Baphomet In Your Bathroom.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra Episodes at https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

So I guess I'm just, there's no video of me today, guys. So deal with it or squeal with it. Figure it out. I can't, dude. We're in. Take two seconds. Look at the bottom. I've been in here 10 minutes before you.

Video settings. Yeah, failed to start the video camera. Please select another video camera in settings. I click the only one that's available. There's not a bunch of different video cameras i'm not running an only fans i don't have a ring light i'm not twitch streaming do you have a good set of headphones with a microphone no i don't okay i'm having a very like aesthetic lifestyle man i was just gonna say to call in on your phone i'm not dominated by material

possessions like you guys all right i i've had these headphones for like six years man cool man they look really nice i bet they cost a lot of money they were 65 seven years ago so it's worked out pretty cheap seven years ago i made 65 every two months all right so i don't want to hear it seven years ago i was sharing a bed with right said lund over there all right just fending off all of his curious toes in the middle of the night furious fingers curious toes the nathan lund story him just digging around in me like i'm loamish soil he's planting beans in sucked so this is where we're at all right all right this is me start my video i can't it says cannot start video i've never seen this happen before god damn it other people podcasts

i do one very serious literary podcast yesterday for two and a half hours and now i can't goof anymore it doesn't make any sense i know dude i'm fucking pissed did you take did you travel with your laptop after the podcast yesterday like did you take it anywhere no man i was just thinking maybe you got a wire indian guy to clean my vpn so i can keep having the kind of fun i want to have online clean my vpn yeah that's how that's how dirty and ugly my deeds are i have to have my vpn actually scrubbed so yeah sorry guys i know this is your favorite part of the pod is looking at me seeing what's in my teeth i'll do it for you did you hear uh what i said before we started Did you hear what I said before we started recording, Sam?

I got a blast back. I did, man, and I just don't think that Israel should be able to get away with it. You don't know what to believe. I don't stand with them, man. You read the New York Times and act like that's the end-all, be-all of informative media. Yeah, I know. That's a bunch of rich people. You read Hamas quarterly. what kind of rich people are they lun do you want to repeat that on the pod now that we're recording uh they are from the upper east

side of jerusalem no becker's becker's trying to be healthy becker's on a diet last night i tried to do i did cougar nights with jay and i'm like oh jay and me and becker are gonna eat something gross after this for sure and then jay's like oh man i'm doing gluten-free sugar-free six days out of the week and i was like all right i'm furious at you and then becker's like i and then i go to becker i'm like becker it's just me and you the bash bros we're gonna smash something gross and and greasy and he was like no man i'm doing uh healthy stuff every day for the rest of my life i was like i fucking will kill both of you what's the healthy stuff he's doing only having cigarettes while the sun's up

i'm watching him blast a fucking you know bronco 100 right now on cam uh i have cigarettes when the sun goes down becker what is this diet first of all i'll say that jay for sure that's that's a that's the wife move he didn't choose his wife put the fucking foot on the back of his neck and made him eat out of the bowl that she lays on the ground so he's got no blood on jay's hands he's got a giant pair of overalls and i think he was starting to grow into them. And she was like, ah, those are staying baggy.

He first, he looked like a turnip farmer and now he looks like a turnip. Right? Yeah. He was, he was becoming what he ate, which was a turnip covered in a honey mustard. Yeah.

He has potato body. That'll happen to you, man. You get tuber torso real easy when you start wearing overalls. I remember when I started wearing overalls, I was 115 pounds. You're just blowing on a jug. Wearing that straw hat, fishing with a fishing string wrapped around my toe as I played my harmonica next to the creek. Yeah, snapping the day away.

And going into town trying to steal an apple or two. Yeah, and I'd eat that apple with a knife leaning against the fence post. Yeah, whistling as the sun went down. Yeah, just waiting for Becker to put out his cig so I could make some ready rolls out of all his butts. Hobo stuff, man. Those are the days. So, yeah, Jay is trying to be healthy becker what's your deal i well my pants were just getting tight so i was i was leaning off of a i've been at home all day every day

just eating like a maniac yeah so i've had salad every day for like the last five days what kind potato crab no i've made like i made like an avocado caesar and then a couple of different like cabbage salads like a sunflower seed one i did with like vidalia onion dress oh yeah dude those are great ingredients yeah cabbage and sunflower seed people sleep on yeah that's just the bomb dude anything crunchy crunchy Crunchy and cold. And then a lot of mango and guava puree. Because you're tired of eating your own common and tasting bad? No, I'm just tired of seeing a trash can full of Gusher boxes all the time. Yeah, I know.

Come on. That's who you are. Oh, it'll be who I am probably even later tonight. Well, yeah. Like, yeah, if you have the cheat day, then I guess you can do your cold and crunchy diet for the, for the rest of the week. And then, yeah, you'll have a, you'll have your wardrobe back. Yeah. I've, I've lost a shitload of weight already.

How long have you been dieting back? Or what are you talking about? You lost a shitload of weight. Well, I eat lost a shitload of weight already. How long have you been dieting, Becker? What are you talking about you lost a shitload of weight? Well, I eat once a day anyway. So if I go from eating once a day from multiple burritos to a salad, my body starts eating itself pretty quick. At night? That was your whole thing. You'd always brag like, yeah, I only eat at 2 a.m. when the sun can't judge me.

You're eating like a Mayan prince who's trying to avoid being executed lately lately though i have been eating all day because i'm just fucking bored yeah i get that uh yeah a lot a lot of ritz crackers and pepperonis and just like lunchables yeah lunchables on a budget so yeah i've probably taken like you know 25 to 3 000 calories a day out of my fucking eating for the last that's you several days yeah hold on katarina's robbing me right to my this that's where his laptop booster okay fine i guess gordy needs a lepto booster so she's taking 400 every fucking woman in my life is just right in front of my goddamn eyes what's a lepto booster?

I don't know some fucking vet tech gibberish Gordy needs a booster I'm taking half this wad of money that I keep in front of me to feel like a man at all times I just like to keep $1000 in cash right in front of me so I can see at least you can prove it to keep a thousand dollars in cash right in front of me so i can see at least at least you can prove it to the bank that you're a man uh yeah you should be counting that while your landlord is raking the the outside walls of your house i want to fucking

i don't want to say but uh becker i'm becker i'm really happy for you that you've uh you've gotten you've gotten your shit together because it was a real free-for-all. It was a real – I always imagine you eating like the kids ate in Hook. You know, it's just bowls of different colored goop. You're getting a lot of coconut shells. You're not wrong, other than the coconut shells. Oh, I know I'm not wrong.

Coconut shells have fiber in them. I'm going going back to it i just wanted my jeans to fit what size jeans you were let me guess what size jeans you are you're a 28 38 no i haven't been a 28 since i was on the horse. Let me go with, I'm going to go 32, 32. No, I wish. 30, 36. No. I'm just trying to, because you know,

every man's pant size is also his pin number. So as soon as I can crack this, I can get in there and get all the Becker cash I want. You can have all $7. They're 36s or 34s depending on the cut and 32s okay so which one's the width which one's the length 30 36 34 is the width 32 length

because lund famously was a what a 2648 wasn't that? 40-28 was the joke. You don't know which one goes first because you're a shorts guy or what? I know which one goes first. It's always the length of the pant. Yes it is. I'm a 30-40. No.

You're a 30-for-30. You love Bo Jackson. that's all you watch. There's a bunch of other good ones, but you're like, got to get my bow. Got to get my bow on. I've heard he knows you're a part of the bow staff. You're the fan club president.

Yeah. I'm a bow jangler. You just watch him run up the wall every day. No, the length goes wall every day. No, the, the length goes first for sure. No, it doesn't.

It never has. It's with, it's with first then like, if you bought a pair of 30, 38 or whatever you're rocking, you'd, you'd be, uh,

sorry. Is that why I got to keep cuffing my jeans? Is that where the crotch hangs down by my ankles? That's why I gave up on pants. I kept feeling stupid in them. Yeah, you went from overalls to shorts. You have not been one to bow down to big pants. Well, you're not correct because there was a good four-year period

where I just wore the same two pairs of pants. Emily put a kibosh on me wearing overalls because early on, when we first got together, I was just wearing coveralls, that bulwark period I was in. Yes. And she tells that like, you know, that was, you know, the way like you'd hear like 1950s housewives be like, when i met your father he was drinking two bottles of bourbon a day and smoking 50 cigarettes that's how emily describes me in my overalls like it was my darkest period before i finally landed the big account that bought us the house so then i went into pants just for her i was wearing contact lenses wearing pants i was totally just trying to fucking change for a bitch and And as all my dogs out there know, that's a sucker move.

You know, the real OGs will tell you. Dress for the bitch you want, you know. Dress for the handjob that you want. Yeah, which is over a pair of cutoffs. Uh-oh. Yeah, What changed? Becker? Me too.

Nothing changed. It was me? It was me too. One finally me too'd his own ass. We both echoed for a second. Now we're not. It was like an Amazon commercial. I'm lifting weights heavily and becker's getting healthy and you know luns luns working on his mental

health or something so we're all we're all getting better i'm doing uh tantrism tantric meditation. I only come in my dreams. Man. That is semi-true. Just like I'm semi-hard right now. Apparently last night at the comedy fort, I just had mad moose knuckle. I had mammal toe up there real hard. And someone showed me a photo zoomed in,

and I was like, oh, good. That's why you were crushing so hard yeah exactly you're like even my setups are getting a lot of laughs i just grabbed the mic stand they're losing it yeah i was just up there showing where the pussy would be if my gigantic balls were in the way well i feel like yeah you you had a mammal toe because your penis shrinks and then your balls are full of uh blood and so you've got uh yeah you've got a simulated vag up there. Yeah, you have a simulacrum of a pussy. There's been times on stage where I have like a... It's like a rumor of a penis. Like if I'm bombing,

it's like my penis is like the first thing to go. Like, I'm out of here. Good luck. I'll catch you guys in the green room. My penis is like, I've suffered enough humiliations. I don't want to be here for this one yeah there's too much blood going to your brain so that you can riff and remember your jokes so

your penis suffers and uh shrivels away it's in the background yeah it's like i have a it's like there's a photo of my penis hanging in an attic somewhere it's always big just so that this one can be shriveled and terrified all the time it would be funny if you were uh if you didn't if you're like doing well and then all of a sudden you're like chubbed up and everybody's like jesus dude he's getting off on this he loves he loves the power he loves the domination yeah i think there's a defense mechanism where it's like, Jesus, dude, he's getting off on this. He loves the power. He loves the domination. Yeah, I think there's a defense mechanism where it's like, yeah, I'm going to take the next 45 minutes off.

Penis balls, go ahead. Do your thing. Yeah, balls go crazy. Balls. Double up. Yeah. Plump when you cook them. I mean, that's like the one time that my penis knows that it's not going to be needed. You know, like that 45 to an hour that I'm on stage is the only time of day where my penis doesn't have to be on standby.

That's when your penis gets to read a book. Yeah, catch up on emails. Respond to emails, yeah. Because I'm never going to whip it out up there. Speaking of, never say never. what happened to being an alt comic yeah i'm not an alt comic what uh what's the deal let's get some uh resolution and some uh an update on you and emily patreon members will know that there was a recent dust up in the talent household. Well, I mean, the dust up was just me being wrong. Being an idiot.

Yeah. Yeah. Me being dumb and then blaming a transgression that I actually had that I committed on Emily thinking I ate too many tacos in front of her friends. Yeah, it was really fun to hear that happen in real time when I edited it. Because I didn't catch it the first time we were talking about it. The conversation just

flowed. But then when I listened to it, I was like, oh, he was never in trouble for tacos. Yeah, no. He gaslit us. I was not in taco trouble. With his taco talk. it was a smoke screen yeah nah man i i was really grateful that we could have that conversation between men you know in the uh the circle of trust that we have here uh But yeah, just talking it through, I was like, oh,

this whole argument just came from me feeling like a baby. You know, like being reduced down to some kind of pants-jizzing infant. So yeah, everything's good. Nothing bad happened. I totally told her the next day, I was like,

you deserve to feel supported and be able to talk about whatever you want in front of your friends and also be supported by your husband when you do that and then she was like yeah and i mean also like i guess if you felt like i did something wrong i would apologize for that but that's only if you feel like i did something wrong and i was like oh good well this is as close as to an apology as i'm ever going to get from you it's a trap yeah you couldn't you couldn't turn into the aggressor no yeah you know what is funny is you you started by blaming the tacos and then you

pivoted to your mom you're like oh my mom fucked me up none of it was you yeah you came out shiny you were crystal clean you're like oh yeah meanwhile i'm just getting battered left and right i'm just being persecuted i'm like christ on the cross over here you're like i was taking it on the chin from these doctors from my own wife my mom yeah when i was a kid really fucked me up and god i mean i just can't i can't get a break over here one get one time i was peeing in one of those big troughs you know those urinal troughs they have and a guy like kind of pointed his dick at me and like made me flinch that also i'll never forget that what was that guy's deal i don't know i think he was like pretending he was going to pee on a child.

It was at the Elizabeth Stampede in Casey Jones Park. And there's the big troughs in the urinal. Trough. I was in there and I was like, you know, on my tippy toes, trying to just flip the tip of my dick over the trough because I was a little boy. And this guy was like looking at me and he was like, and then he like made a move like he was going to pee on me. He gave me like a real quick like, gotcha.

And I was like, oh, and I ran out of there with my dick still out. I've never forgot about that. That's why your dick is a non-factor on stage. It remembers if we're out and about. If you see anybody in cowboy hats, you better hide because something bad is going to happen. I mean, if you have a whole like a horseshoe of dip in and you make a move at me, I'm going to flinch. Emily's calling. Let me silence this accuser.

Hello, Emily. Hey. Hey, I'm on the podcast right now. Oh, God damn it. Say hi to Becker and Lund. Hey, I'm on the podcast right now. Oh, God damn it. Say hi to Becker and Lund. Hey, guys. Hey. They say hi on the back.

Bye. That's right, you bitch. Who wears the pants around here? Not me, because I do what I want. You know what would have been a good move is if you would have gone from the coveralls if you would have made those in a cutoffs you would have had a romper a man romper dude i did that you don't remember that no i cut the sleeves off i cut the bottoms off so i was just wearing like a romper, straight up fire resistant romper.

And I was like, this will make it more breathable. All it did was let the stink out. Yeah, yeah, backfire for sure. This gave me more events to crop dust on accident. Also, here's something about getting older and maybe eating a little bit better and not smoking as many cigarettes as I used to. My entire like scrotum stink has changed. It's like a pleasant smell now. Uh-oh.

I don't think that's true. It is, man. I'll give you guys a whiff next time. We'll give you the Jimmy John's treatment. Do you think it's because you're always wearing waking undershorts now? It could be, man. Because back in the day,

I was building up this veneer. It was like a varnish of stink. And now it's kind of like a fun, kind of like, I mean, no pun intended, literally like a nutty smell. It smells like almond milk. I think you're

nutty in that you're just into your own smell now. You have a successful book. People are lauding you. And so you're like, my shit literally doesn't stink and neither do my balls. No, dude, my shit has never been worse. The odor of my poops. I don't know what the fuck's going on.

I'm worried I have a serious ailment. It literally smells like someone lit off a bunch of fireworks in there it's like sulfurous like if if if you were you know in a graveyard and you thought the devil was chasing you this would be the smell that tipped you off baphomet is in your bathroom yeah it's a fucking it's a brimstone odor dude it's crazy uh are you eating fireworks are you are you burning singeing your own beard hair and then eating that no man because i mean it's like it's it's it's it's almost sulfurous i guess fireworks or a burnt match are the only thing i can really compare it to but it's also like an ancient odor you know like i imagine if they opened a crypt and they found a mummy this would be the smell of the bandages your asshole is haunted i

guess oh yeah it's it's straight up spooked in there man it's bad news what the hell yeah i don't know what to do and i keep calling emily and like take a whiff of this what do you think and she's like i don't don't ever do this again this is not why i went to med school was to diagnose odors have you tried eating yogurt that's the thing that is i eat a lot of yogurt there's been a lot of changes in my diet uh trying to lay off red meat emily's straight vegetarian for a month now so all the meals we make in the house don't have any meat in them they only have fish in them if we do eat fish which is still a special occasion so but this has been a long time coming man fish and all veggies is not gonna make you smell good yeah but this was even before that okay because like i farted myself awake this

morning and not like from the violence because of the smell because all i've had is salad and fruit puree for like five days you're not getting any protein uh no if i i've also been like riding my bike my stationary bike like 12 miles a day and going on like six to seven mile walks and if i eat protein i'll get big and i don't like getting bulky what are you talking about like if he's kind of dumb with me is not knowing which way the pants go no it's like if like if i was still eating like a good i mean there's there's a little bit of protein in the fruit and shit but uh no like if i if i was eating like a normal amount of

chicken or beef every day my legs would be getting bigger which isn't the point of me trying to lose weight to fit in my pants and also that's a whole fallacy about protein the protein that comes from meat is because the meat ate a bunch of vegetables yeah so also cabbage isn't packed with protein yeah i've been avoiding protein packed vegetables i've been just getting protein from the fruit pretty much and a little bit of nuts like the sunflower seeds or i put some like a little bit of cashew and but like must be so hard to avoid protein packed vegetables what are you talking about you guys sound like dinguses no like i haven't been eating mustard greens or collard

grain like anything that i could put in there because you're racist no it's because i don't want all that he's keeping it simple stupid i'm just trying to eat enough enough potassium and enough everything else to keep me going sugar fiber he's shedding good for you he's shedding and he's shredding he's trying to get as shredded as that cabbage we should have a uh we should have a weight loss challenge on this podcast i'll bet i'll fucking lap lund easy no way as soon as i get back from two weeks in new orleans i'll be ready to go yeah you're gonna bulk up yeah i was gonna say if we if we plan it out i'll bulk up first and then kick everyone's ass i mean i'm always bulked up so i'm ready to shed one yeah there's only one season in lun's uh calendar and it's bulking season time to get bigger

what did you end up eating when your friends left you high and dry when you were trying to be disgusting? Well, I let go of that dream. And I walked Jay home like a gentleman. Was that arm in arm or did you interlock hands? We did interlocked hands and then skipping. We skipped down Main street so that everybody could see our love and uh i just had like a couple of cheese sandwiches with some cheese that's in the in the sandwich i just had a couple of cheese sandwiches well yeah that's not that disgusting it's not eight packs of fucking gushers in a Slim Jim box. Yeah.

Becker, were you eating Slim Jim boxes? No, I don't. I don't fucks with Slim Jims unless it's like a road trip. Oh. I mean, I've been at the depths of human consumption and I still hate Slim Jims. Yeah. They're too greasy. They're very sweaty.

Yeah. And then next thing you know, you're sweaty. It's one of those meats, too, that if you eat it, you will smell like that. Yeah, that comes out of your pores. Like immediately. Yeah, because your body doesn't know how to process it. So it's just like, get it out. Expunge. Yeah.

And I hate smelling like the poor kid. I had enough of that when i was the poor kid yeah right you come from a bounty hunter fortune they went bankrupt two weeks after i was born i grew up to like the fifth grade and the hood me and philip atkinson my sister and his sister were the only four white kids i knew at that school and it was the hood of colorado springs yeah yeah yeah there's like a whole part in the beginning of uh fast food nation about how the nevada avenue is still like one of the best examples of segregation in the united states yeah it's a shining example it's a success story it is on one side you can buy the same house for

like half a million dollars and on the side, go into the other school district. It's fucking like 75. I'm not into that, man. I say everyone should live together. Yeah, it's what it's wild. And then there's a string of fast food restaurants that divide the nice

neighborhood and the shitty neighborhood. Sam, you also said that bisexuality is a myth. So I don't know if we should keep listening to what you have to say about current events. I didn't say myth bisexuality is a myth. So I don't know if we should keep listening to what you have to say about current events. I didn't say myth. I said a choice. I like that Emily can be attracted to a woman, you know, beautiful, clean, nice smelling woman, and also be attracted to you.

The opposite of that in every way. Not beautiful. Not a woman not clean does not smell good in fact smells worse and worse every day like you're decaying while still alive well you're making i'm actually not decaying i'm smelling a lot better as i discussed earlier except for my dumps which are probably a medical issue but uh i mean gordy's literally trying to hang himself from his collar when i get out of the bathroom but i uh you're you're making the same fallacy that emily thought that she accused me of which was me not supporting her bisexuality i just didn't want her talking about her sexuality in front of people that i barely know i don't like when she talks to her mom about giving me head

it just grosses me out yeah i'm serious she does that like she'll talk to her mom and her sister while i'm in the room about like you know things we've been up to and i'm just like sitting there trying to play euchre and she's like yeah you know you know sam lost his wedding ring i don't know where it is but i can't i can't get my tampon out so it's just like it heaves me out man i don't know i don't like it my family never discussed sex no it's fucking weird to discuss with your family yeah it's gross i'm with you on that one it's haram and friends it i i don't know i think i also think that most of my gal friends are worse about telling like weird

detailed sexual stories than any of my guy friends are. Oh yeah. Because everyone's guy friends are lying. Yeah. Or, or if they're serious, they just keep it to themselves. Yeah,

exactly. If it's a bad thing, no one's going to know about it, but girls will just air every bit of laundry they've had sexually and it's like that's great just i don't want to be a part of it does that make me a bad guy well i i think yeah you're a bad person no i think uh i think it's not healthy overall to act like no one should talk about sex because it's not supposed to be shameful some of the things that people are into are out there and illegal but that outside of that then uh it shouldn't be the weirdest thing

to talk about with your friends yeah i don't think it's weird to talk about with your friends but like family and people you have interpersonal relationships with or going into detail with friends about your exploits seems. If they know the other person, that seems like a weird thing to do. Oh, for sure. Yeah, I don't know. I know you don't know. There's more involved than us, Lon, but I'm just saying that's where I stand. And Becker stands with me, too, because he was raised correctly but you were out there you were raised by a

Juggs magazine and an old coffee can so I mean I got to I got to see some gay porn and some hermaphrodite porn at a young age thanks to my dead dad

well see that rules he had some tapes and they were you know several movies on you know blank vhs tapes so i didn't know what i was getting until it was too late and i just be like whoa that's a thing all right uh what the fuck yeah and you know uh maybe too young for some of this you know because I went from there was the box of Playboy so it's like Seinfeld with some co-eds or whatever on the cover of a Playboy and Anna Cole Smith

airbrushed to perfection and then I got the other side of the coin in the tape box I was like holy fuck alright well now I've seen this, i've heard about this jay leno did not have to wake me up to some of these realities i wish seinfeld was in the hermaphroditic porn seinfeld just sucking a tiny little dick right next to a cool vajay

he's just doing he's doing a m Mitch Jones. It's riffing. Yeah. Just riffing. Whoa! Who put the penis next to the vagina? What's the deal with having both sex organs? What's the deal? Well, that's a real traffic light. You've got the penis, the vagina,

and the butthole down there just right in a row. Traffic light. I don't know whether to slow down or speed up. Which one's yellow? And then you flip them upside down, and you don't know what the rules are. Yeah, so. And maybe that's why you're so, cool and evolved and everything you know that's why

bernie showed me the way though i mean that's the weird thing about my instagram feed you know like this like the search page it couldn't be more wholesome man i'm opening my search page right now most of my friends search pages are just like huge fake-ass women and then like memes of other women falling down the stairs a celebration and a mockery of the the female of the species yeah like here my first my first result is joe rogan using kettlebells using kettlebells. You douche. Yeah, and then after that is Cincinnati sophomore cornerback

Justin Harris watched the trophy ceremony by himself. I mean, what does that get in my algorithm? The first 11 of mine are sneakers, and then it's a picture of Patton Oswalt in his wife's. Yeah, see, and if you open up Lund, it's just a bunch of fucking traffic signs stoplights left and right it is it is only uh wrestling because

i will just watch whatever uh the algorithm wants to show me wrestling wise whether it's current stuff attitude era i just watch way too much on there so now it's like yeah there used to be some like models or whatever but they got replaced by andre the giant randy orton sean michaels you know uh the crew so that's all i use it for i don't need need, I don't need, I don't need to show to have proper form with my kettlebells from, from Joe, Joey Rogro. Yeah. I mean,

there's just a lot of like, like Derek Henry squatting 8,000 pounds. I want to see Derek Henry squatting 8,000 pounds at rules. I'll send it to you right now. It's insane. Oh, Bori's calling. Should I put him on speaker?

Bori, I'm live on the podcast what's up i don't know you called me i did now uh now i'm podcasting with becker and lund because i thought you might have something i thought i was gonna trap you into saying hate speech honestly yes eagerly i'm not i'm not you i don't answer the phone with the n word well it depends on who's calling he always does that i do not do that he's always code switching yeah i'm code switching conversations with a hard c um i'll call you back after this. All right. He likes to say words that rhyme with think. You know what I'm talking about?

I got it. He's a little Tony. He's got a little Tony in his blood. Classic Dave Worre jujitsu move right there. Oh, yeah. He used your own weight against you and put you on the ground. He can say whatever he wants,

but I can't. What's that about? What's the deal? If a woman can have a penis, why can't I say it? If a man can be pregnant, I should be able to hang out with the fellas and not worry oh no so yeah so lund you got into hermaphrodite porn very early

well maybe too early no i was just saying uh maybe i think too early is anything before 32 maybe that helped me i don't know i mean it's not like that that you see uh intersex people flaunting it whipping them out dropping both both hog and uh feline but I don't know. I'm saying maybe you two have some catching up to do. You guys went the other direction. I'm just doing baseball and football and comic books. Becker, we're echoing again. I sound weird again.

Really? No, it's better now. It's whenever you're on mute, something strange happens. Okay,'t i won't do it anymore i'll just take that i mean i think that i'm very very repressed sexually yeah i mean if you could see my search history i know it's like hacky to say but literally it's like big naturals having fun like that's that's my porn huh if i want to get real perverse i'll be like uh you know uh mommy milkers homemade like that's that's as bad as i get and i hate even saying that aloud also i'm off the porno i haven't fucking dipped my toes in those fetid waters in a long time. I haven't been in the swamp in like maybe two weeks. Yeah.

So I'm saving it all up for my wife. I think we talked about it early on in the pod, but it's, um, it's too, I think it can be too much too soon where anybody that came of age with the internet, you just have everything at once and it's a lot and so it can

screw up your uh your ability to interact with people in real life or uh you just get too reliant on it like if you jerk off every fucking day like brent gill you know, five times a day. I guess he never, he doesn't, he doesn't run out. He's just the fountain of jizz, you know, is never. Yeah, he must have like a coconut water IV attached to his arm at all times. Yeah, he doesn't like bananas, but he eats them by the bunch every day. Yeah. And it's just always ready. Because it turns him on.

He's ready to blow. day yeah and it's just always turns him on he's ready to show but uh but yeah i feel like uh i feel like a lot of people can have the you can have the the the death grip where you jerk off so much that you you know you're just getting tighter and tighter with your grip and next thing you know you uh don't feel anything when you have sex with a person. You're just like, oh, no. Or maybe you turn to anal because that's the only way that you can feel. And these are real problems. And, you know, you're not talking about it, Sam, but I've seen your grip. I've shook your hand before. And you need to back off.

Two weeks isn't enough. I would say take off the summer. And then maybe Emily's not screaming at you about tacos anymore. I feel like, I feel like it's not a grip issue. It can be, it can also be just like if you're only watching, you know,

like, like mature looking porn stars, you know, that are very much either airbrushed or done up, you know, like, like, mature-looking porn stars, you know, that are very much either airbrushed or done up, you know, shaved and bathed, then you can have that, like, idyllic form, platonic

form of a person in your mind. I mean, I'm married to a jugged-up queen. I have the platonic form. I'm not saying that she is gross. I'm saying this can happen with people. Some of these incels, their only goal is to be with someone who would be considered a classic 10 or whatever. So their views are warped to their brain. I'll say this to all the incels listening i've been with a lot of classic tens a lot of pristine puss you know smoke the finest

reefer poke the poke the finest beaver that was gonna be my headstone for a long time i mean bury me here you're getting the headstone and And I got to say, they rock, they roll, but they don't lose control. You know what I mean? Like, if you get yourself a real, like, Syracuse 7, you know, you get someone who probably works, like, if you get a woman who is the secretary at a construction yard, those are the best lovers you ever get your hands on or in you can get both of them in there if you want because they they have no compunctions against

it if a woman's too pretty she doesn't really have to uh you know to experiment well i mean i think it can depend on what their deal is too regardless of what they look like they could also be repressed their deal is too regardless of what they look like they could also be repressed or their standards are very idyllic and and too high so they're gonna act like you know everybody's beneath them even if you're on top they can act like you're beneath them and uh you know i'm doing the eyebrows you can see me on camera not you but hopefully that's why my dick is taking the day off. I got my Eugene Levy going on. But yeah, I think there is like a whole generation or two now. There's another generation coming up that is only going to know what they search for on Pornhub or RedTube. And it's going to fuck them up.

And then they're going to shoot up their school. And it's unfortunate. tube and it's gonna fuck them up and then they're gonna shoot up their school and it's unfortunate and also every woman who allows you to be near her even as a friend or uh you know an associate valuing your female friendships and any relationship you have whether it be sexual or not is so overlooked you know like i know i don't my dad was cool but you know there's an older generation out there who only used women to jizz inside of or like you know uh slap around a couple times when the reds lost so i just know that i it's fun to hang out with the fellas but when you get a real good group of like in high school my closest group of friends was the three women who I served on student council with.

And I had male friends, you know, David Borey, who just accused me of mind crimes live on my own podcast, trying to give him a boost. It's just, it was really important for me to, I mean, it's a stupid term, but to friend zone myself with these three women, I mean it's a stupid term but to friend zone myself with these three women even though I would have you know gladly sold one of my balls just to honk Melanie Pfeiffer's left one well you know what I mean like I don't it was just important to me to have these to know how to be around women without them ever seeing my penis or wanting to see my penis or knowing I had a penis. Keeps a mystery alive, does he or doesn't he? I don't think that's all they try to say effectively. What you're saying is that a lot of these dopes, these dudes,

do continue that old skin flick tradition of every woman is a potential conquest. And so you either flirt with them or neg them in order to try to bed them, or they're not up to your standards, so they're nothing. And it's like, my God. And then they're unhappy. They don't know why they're unhappy. And it's because they've just closed the door on having uh you know positive relationships and friendships with a whole bunch of people and uh so yeah they wonder why they're angry all the time it's because they

can't fucking talk to a woman without either trying to be smooth and blowing it or acting like a prick because you know they just see them as less than nothing it's uh yeah but they've also they're also furious because they've never known the joy of human touch i mean i wish i could say that like you know it's not that big a deal sex isn't that cool getting sucked on a beach oh my god if your feet are in the water and the water's warm well you've never done that. You've been sucked on a beach. Are you kidding me?

While the tide is coming in, you're going to get salt water in your freaking holes. I'm not. I'm not the one kneeling. All right. Well, you've been to Hawaii. Or just find a legless woman in some kind of raft. You know, whatever it may be. She's going to get pulled away.

Well, that's the solution, isn't it? I think the paradox, the... I love a big paradoxes. The real brain teaser is that a lot of these guys, if they could just have friendships with women, they would be more comfortable around all women you know or more likely to just be able to talk to a woman and that's what most of them want is just to be able to talk to a guy and then you have a connection but instead they've

fucked themselves you know they've shot themselves in their own dick by uh you know listening that we made fun of that one guy mystery wasn't that his name or yeah the paradox yeah the pickup artist that guy so you just you just youtube that guy and you're like all right i've got the tools i'm ready to go and then you go to the bar and you just strike out all night long because you're talking like a fucking piece of shit yeah i think that what lund doesn't understand is that women are people and uh it's good it's good to treat them as such you know yeah that's yeah that thank you for clarifying for sure as you watch as you watch somebody that was blowing you get taken out to sea just wave goodbye as the waves make her disappear a legless woman mind you uh ideally in your mind still a person yeah well you don't think bisexual people are are people so you're You're really pissing me off.

I can't tell because you can't get your camera to work. So I'm just burning you and looking at your name. Yeah, well. Just taking you out one way or another. Why don't you put some respect on my name? No way. Yeah, I don't know, man. It's fun to have fun on this podcast.

But please, if you are going to commit any crimes against women don't be wearing a chubby behemoth shirt while you're doing it all right that's all i can really ask yeah wear a too big to fail press shirt those are coming out soon they are available yeah everyone check out my merch i got tote bags i got new long sleeve orange shirts and also they're dry fit shirts so they feel real good when you're jerking off on them to violent pointographies when they get on the dark web so i mean allegedly that's what i've heard legless porn the new yeah the new hotness nugget you only weigh like 80 pounds if you don't have legs so that's pretty hot if i didn't have legs. So that's pretty hot. If I didn't have legs, I'd probably weigh 230 pounds.

I'd love to know what my legs look like. I'd love to know what my hips... I've said this a bunch, but I wish I could see my skeleton. Yeah. Get an x-ray. No, I want to be able to walk around in it and play it like a you know play it like an old-timey jail cell guy like rattle a tin can against my ribs i'd love to see it in a mirror or looking down as opposed to a representation i just want to

know how thick my rib bones are i pretty much have emily i've had severe uh shoulder pain since i got back from lincoln nebraska and i think it's small muscle control stuff from driving seven hours doing a show the next day waking up and driving seven hours i do all my driving with my left hand and you gotta switch it up i know and i think i fucked up something and then emily has been giving me omm for like the last four days then last night she got me onM for like the last four days. Then last night she got me on the ground and she's like, Oh, this isn't a shoulder thing.

Your rib is popped out. Well, I just have like a, like my fifth or sixth rib is disconnected from my spine right now. And it fucking sucks. Yep. Are you going to go get a pop back into socket? I mean, my wife is literally a doctor who specializes in how to pop things back

into socket and she can't get it because i'm so big and cumbersome yeah i only have i have one guy in the spring zoo because mine in the front comes out oh yeah and i got one dude who knows how to like spin my arm and do it but my sister's doctor can't fucking do it either that shit hurts and it's like a weird dull pain yeah it sucks and then of course the first day i thought i was having a heart attack because i googled what it meant and it's like do you have shoulder pain on your left side guess what finalize your will you're already dead if you can read this the the bitch fell off and you fell off of life he fell off of this mortal coil yeah

damn so yeah I'm popped out I'm still lifting weights and that only makes it worse getting your swollen heart over here there's probably a way you could be lifting that would push it back maybe there should be i don't know

or at least like a motor function you could do that would like try to put it back where it's supposed to be did you ever have those kids that didn't have any fine motor control so they'd be like really smart but their handwriting looked like it was written by a kidnapper yeah my buddy sean mcmullen that i was in like math olympia and all the ap classes with wrote like it was written by a kidnapper. Yeah. My buddy, Sean McMullen, that I was in like math Olympia and all the AP classes with, wrote like he was going to kill somebody. Yeah. Zach Toll was mine. Very smart kid.

Looked like he didn't have any hands or feet, so he had to put the pencil in his mouth. Yes. I always thought those kids were faking it so they get more test time. The kid that there was a young guy at the Walmart pharmacy when I got my second shot and he turned the paper. He was left handed and I'm left handed. So I've seen lefties do weird shit with their paper, you know, turn it. But he was practically writing upside down.

It was insane. And I was like, whoa, i'm a lefty too but i haven't seen i've still made him feel bad i guess i was like i'm a lefty too but i haven't seen shit like that what the fuck bullied him knocked the paper out of his hand you know uh i took it too far for sure uh gave him a swirly i whipped my i whipped my dick out and uh acted like i was gonna be on him so i may have done to him whatever was done to you you know i've continued the chain of abuse you want to hear a weird fucked up thing i just remembered about myself yeah that's what this is all about. Yeah, so when I was like seven, eight, or nine,

my Aunt Theda used to run a daycare. So every day after school, I would go over to my Aunt Theda's house until my dad got off work and picked me up. And I had two older cousins, Sarah and Alita. Sarah was born in like 83. Alita was two years older than me but they were like they had already reached puberty at this point and all of their friends had also reached puberty and there was a girl named Kendall Skeels I don't know if I should say her name but she had

just the biggest rockinest honkers when I was a little boy. You know, like, they're the first ones I remember ever, like, pining for. Like, I think I, like, I made her a ring, like, my aunt would have us do, like, weird shit. You know, like, arts and crafts. And I made Kendall a ring out of, like,

aluminum foil and twine or whatever. And I remember one time, they were all hanging out and they were like sam we're gonna put a bunch of makeup on you and give you a swirly and i was like oh no don't do that yeah that would oh no that'd be terrible oh boy because kendall was the one she was like i'm gonna do your hair and like so one time kendall braided my hair i remembered make me look like a little girl but her tits were right on the back of my neck so i remember like being like no you're not you're not gonna do my hair and put makeup on me and then

hold me upside down and she was like watch me and i pretty much just volunteered to be dressed up like a girl held upside down and have my head dipped in a toilet repeatedly. You knew what you were doing. I knew exactly what I was doing, but it was just so I could have boobs pressed against my back. Holy shit. It's funny that you weren't even pubescent, and you still can have that connection with a pair.

I mean, that's what this pod is all about. You know, Kendall looks just like Busy Phillips. Oh, wow. Remember her? Yeah, she's still a person. She's in Girls 5 ever. She didn't disappear just because you stopped whacking it to her. Well, I didn't ever whack to her, but that's what she looked like.

And she just had like real big ones. And she would always wear like a Nuggets jersey so you could see her side bra. Whoa. Oh, it was crazy. Yeah, and I just remember being like, no, don't do it. Like super hard at like nine. Like, no. How dare you? I must have been 10 or 11 because

alita was like 13 or 14 but yeah god that was crazy and then she i remember they all held me upside down and i would struggle really hard when alita and sarah would try and do it but whenever kendall would like get me i'd be like oh no i'm the weakest man alive I can't fend you guys off I was also probably if I was 11 years old I was like five foot eight you know probably 200 pounds I was huge you had them too you had a rocking pair I did I had maybe that's why I'm so obsessed with having them because I've had them for so long I'm just trying to connect with other people, other havers. It's the have and the have-nots and I'm a have.

That's right. Class warfare. Yeah. Damn. Shit. I don't know why that just popped into my head, but I just remember being, I remember the makeup and my head, like pigtails and makeup on and they were dipping my head remember the makeup and my head like pigtails and makeup on they were dipping my head in the toilet and i was like i'm the smartest man alive like

the makeup was running the toilet the water in the bowl remember the water in the bowl was like you know kaleidoscopic because of all the makeup coming off you were you were you're actually getting what you wanted which was boobs and physical touch. And also the makeup was getting washed off, you know, so they didn't really think it out. No, they didn't. Yeah, they just like baptized me in a titty spring. Bizarre. I wonder what she's up to.

Yeah, hit her up. She's your cousin. So, you know, it wouldn't be weird to just be like, hey, I'd love to get a good look at you. Just creep on her. I mean, she's older, too, so it's not even. No, no, not my cousin, Kendall Skeels. Oh, that wasn't.

I know what my cousins are up to. I talked to him all the time. All right. I was thinking this was also a cousin, and I was like, that's why you're watching step-sibling porn, is that you've got the familial connection. No, there was no incestuous mess to me. I remember her boyfriend's name, too, was Darren Moon,

and I plotted to kill him a lot. I remember being a kid and being like, well, if Darren dies, she'll need someone to comfort her. Oh, yeah. And I can swoop in. My first crush was like six when I had a swimming instructor that was very pretty. And she was probably 20.

And I didn't give a shit. I'm just like, we're going to make it work. You know, we're going to be friends for now. She'll teach me how to swim. I'll teach her how to, you know, remember what planets there are. You know, I had nothing to offer. I'm like six and a half, and I'm like, all right, so this will marinate. And then at eight, she'll be ready, and I'll be ready.

You know, it's just completely insane. Yeah. Well, I mean, that's just the human mind at work. I think her name was gretchen so that's something just still remember her when i could barely remember anything i hung out with my buddy nick salazar's baby the other day and it threw up three times and that really ruled oh damn yeah we were the whole time me and lund or me and uh bori were like it's gonna throw up and salazar was like oh yeah he throws up all the time and i filmed him for like four minutes and we

kept being like puke puke and as soon as i put my camera away he just dropped this huge mouth load all over the back of salazar's head it would have been really good content yeah damn we could have had that on the instagram get up to 500 followers start making some real money make some fucking moves over here man yeah follow our gram if you're not also support the patreon guys if you want more of this kind of content but completely unfiltered and uh unhinged yeah get on the page there are uh almost as many patreon episodes as non-patreon episodes so you're doubling up if you want to uh to get in there five dollars a month will get you access to every patreon episode we've ever done there's probably there's like 40 or so so get up in

there you got uh you got a whole friday saturday worth of uh the two of us making fun of becker and his choices even though he's gonna he's gonna bury both of us he's gonna outlive either one of us oh god sorry i keep burping but uh yeah get on that page man it's good shit also new orleans i'm there tomorrow may 22nd saturday may 22nd i'll be in lafayette louisiana june 4th and then houston i'm coming to houston for the first time ever in my comedy career for some reason never have done comedy in houston and i'll be there june 5th all dates and tickets are available on my website Boulder I'm at some giant event center that's moved no tickets June 12th so let's uh try and fucking make that

happen before Alec Flynn has to move back to his parents mansion uh yeah guys one you got any dates you got a plug uh yeah i mentioned them on the patreon but uh june third fourth and fifth i will be doing shows uh thanks to dayton beset uh who is a part of the chubby chaser army he said it's uh his favorite so that's cool we're uh we're we're getting in there and influencing the next generation uh and raising them right and uh yeah he he hooked me up with some shows i'll be at the rhino which is a great venue uh dating and aaron scarborough doing a show at the rhino thursday and then friday saturday i've got uh three shows there's one uh saturday at 1 p.m i'm doing a backyard show uh so yeah i'm gonna start promoting those on facebook and insta let's move some

tickets for lond y'all yeah let me get some uh barbecue sauce in my back pocket thanks to uh casey mo becker when's this coming out i'll put it out in like an hour okay well hey shit if you hear this today and you have no plans for tonight let's come out to comedy works south tonight may 21st friday everyone that's the best way to promote a show is four hours before the show starts i sold a lot of tickets early and then they were like cool this will sell out so they added a second show and now neither are sold out so let's make some moves there people powder river letter buck yeah it's just a hop skip and a jump from denver you get down to the dtc and you know who's down there a bunch of uh widows that are dtf so come on out to the early show or the late show and uh

you know maybe maybe buy uh you know buy a 50 year old a couple of white wine spritzers the next thing you know you're in her house watching wolf blitzer all my best friends are opening too so that'll be good oh hell yeah some of the heaviest hitters in the game i asked lund he said pass i asked bukley she said no no uh urist is still in a cocoon in the middle of the atlanta desert so bukley's studying for the lsat i didn't want to drive three hours to do two shows for 40 bucks well that's what friendship is everyone it's just a monetary exchange so thanks y'all you could have stayed in the condo with me you fucking idiot but no no you'll be down there

with your new best friend jay gillespie i gotta work the door at the bad lounge oh yeah i'm gonna send creasy down there to hassle you