Chubby Behemoth - The Apple Man

Episode Date: September 22, 2022

Early & Suddenly. Shotgun Granny. I Remember.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

Hey, everyone. It's me, Sam Talent, and I'm joined by Becker. And this is just a little update up front before we get into the podcast. I have to plug my fucking date. So, hey, if you're in Fort Collins, Colorado, come out 9, 23 and 24. Those are I think there's 17 tickets left. So get on that Seattle, for the love of God, 929. I'm at the hereafter. All right. Tickets are not moving up there.

I have not cracked that liberal stronghold of Seattle. I just sold out helium Portland. Can we tell our people in Seattle to Seattle to come out and see me? Nine twenty nine to hereafter. After that, I'll be in Kansas City, Kansas. Well, actually, Missouri at the Rhino. September 30th. Come out to that. Donnie T's opening Des Moines or Des Moines or DeGroin. opening Des Moines or Des Moines or DeGroin. As you'll see, that's where Lund likes to dig and whiff in this episode. I'll be in Des Moines, Iowa, 1021 at Tee Hees, then Honolulu the 5th through the 7th of October, Skank Fest, 1013 through 1015. Me and Carlos Madrid are sharing a goddamn hotel room.

And then, hey, 1019, I'll be in Denver at the Comedy Works. Come out to that, please. Savannah, Georgia, Charleston, Atlanta, 1019. I'll be in Denver at the Comedy Works. Come out to that, please. Savannah, Georgia, Charleston, Atlanta, Wilmington. Dates all over. Minneapolis, Boston, San Francisco, Colorado Springs, New Orleans, Chicago. Come out. Go to samtalent.com. Check that out. Join the Patreon.

Shubbybehemoth.com. Slash Patreon. Slash join. That's not it. Patreon.com. Slash Shubby Behemoth. Becker, let's take him into this goddamn episode yeah everyone how's everyone doing everyone looks nice we're all in our nice chairs

becker you look like you're in a comfortable seat london bed i love that i love when you're upright and fancy free. Just smacking a peach. Hey, he's got a peach. I have a peach. Remember, there's a secret in the middle. Don't get tricked again. That's my favorite part.

I know. That's what you always say. But then it's three hours later, and you're on the toy toy, trying to pass your butt stone it's not a kidney stone if it comes out the south hole you know that nathan now becker's having a cigarette i'm having some coffee we all have all our favorite snacks our breakfast for everybody yeah oh that's good i got honey all over my pants first thing this morning yep i got these it's cold up here so i'm wearing my orange sweatpants and boy does honey leave a nasty curious stain on a pair of sweaties

it's rough yeah no one's here to see it no one knows you chunked no no i haven't chunked haven't chunked uh since i got home and chunked all up in my wife's uh most delicate glove box and uh yeah no this was a honey related accident it was good oh i was like baby baby where's the owner's manual and i reached in there and i pulled it out it's like 93 kiasadona what what did you own this so lund i have a proposal for you. Stop doing the podcast? Sounds good. Yeah, you can quit whenever you want. That's fine. Me and Becker will carry this thing on.

I don't want to make anyone do anything they don't want to do. I'm kidding. What is it? No, no, you hate the pod. No, no. Just say what you want. That cleared up everything. No, it's cool. What are you going to say gonna say oh we should switch

heads something stupid no lund if you want to be nasty we can do that that's fine i came in here with an attitude of fellowship and friendship and fraternity but you're eating the peach becker's sucking down a what is that a fucking camel 400 don't talk to me until I've eaten my peach. Where'd you get those cigarettes, Becker? An MRE from the Korean War? Yeah. That's a long body. They are. They cost the same.

They do. Hundreds and shorts cost the same. Extra shorts cost more. It's a fucking conspiracy. Yeah. How deep does this thing go? Yeah. I never understood that. I charge you more to quit. Is it the same amount as tobacco?

Yes. I'm teaching the class. No, it's 20% more. It costs the same. Man. Why? Why? You get rewarded for smoking more.

Yeah. Smoking is its own reward. It's a discount. True. Buy in bulk. I'd like to have one right now but i'm not having one uh speaking of uh cancer i am meeting with your wife via the internet later today and i had to fill out the family history you know who had what anybody has yeah yeah who has them kim not my mom my dad kind of your mom's mom your mom your dad's mom uh no so i'm going through going through my wonderful family tree of how did he die and i was like i'm fucked early and suddenly that's how they all my dad's mom strokes my dad's dad strokes my dad was in the strokes my mom my mom's dad cancer my mom's mom parkinson's dementia

it's like i i'm gonna die tomorrow i'm gonna die during the meeting with dr t that'd be perfect if if you were facetiming my wife and you croaked then she came home so wet i'm showing her my my dick and balls she's like lun's gone we can finally live the life we want what am i preventing you from doing seeing the world no no so you're like you're like my other wife and emily's incredibly jealous uh yeah she's always i'll always be like lun said the funniest thing and she'll be like no he didn't i've known him for 10 years that's impossible next she loves me she does love you that's why she's forcing you to go to the doctor even though you have this weird 40 year old death wish uh i was instantly annoyed i was like this is

nobody's business especially not my own yeah i don't want to know this shit yeah did you have to call your mom and ask like so what what got grandma myrtle no i remember what happened to my family what are you talking about crazy i block all that shit out man you know i'm sorry to tell you this but your mom passed a little over a year ago i know she passed suicide by cop she was speeding around elizabeth colorado just saying pull me over motherfuckers take me i'm ready julie suicide by julie oh that'd be sick if my mom went down with this Dorner style. My mom in her little wheelchair with her like weird flowing blouse.

My dad, my dad's pushing her around and she just has a shotgun. Pushes her into the Elizabeth police station. And she's just like, Julie. That would be fucking great. My mom's commandeer is a police helicopter. Yes, Julie. My dad's like, I'm sorry. She's independent, you know.

I'm just the track. She's the train. My dad's like, I have to. I want her to feel independent. Julie. Julie. What was your proposition from 10 minutes ago?

The train went off the tracks. My mom in her big fucking sun hat. High foot two, 110 pounds of fucking pig slaughtering evil. I wouldn't say evil. Well, she, yeah. no, she was just confused. My mom has to stop to have my sister help her load the shotgun. Once it's empty, it's like, mom, do it. Why'd we put you in those occupational therapy classes that specifically

taught you how to load and unload guns? the shotgun blast just sends her flying backwards in the wheelchair my dad shins are racked this summer bako's got a new sidekick no that's not her name. Oh, shit, man. My mom. Remember in her big fur coat looking small and like hunched over. If she had a shotgun. Baco's pushing the wheelchair. Quick, Betsy,

we got a bail. Pushing it like a skateboard. Just one foot on the rail. Clear a hole, Betsy. Oh, fuck. Now what's going to happen is someone's going gonna find a picture of my dead mom in her chair they're gonna fucking photoshop Baca behind it I hope so

that'd be sick my mom hated cops she would be down dude my graduation party was like me Stefan and David Borey drinking like fuck oh yeah I remember this yeah we're drinking like four no it wasn't four loco it was something gross sparks might have been sparks dude yeah and it was just like rule it was just like my aunts and uncles and my

cousins and my dad and my grandpa and me and sophie and the cops pulled up because we had that we have that party barn out of the house so like it was a notorious party destination in high school and i got you know like two of my five mips in there after i got done fingering katie lancaster um so fucking uh the cops pulled up and my mom and my aunt theta met them at the top of the driveway and the cops were like how you doing ladies uh we just wanted up and my mom and my aunt theta met them at the top of the driveway and the cops were like how you doing ladies uh we just wanted to come down there and make sure there wasn't any underage drinking going on and you know you know we're just trying to you guys are good citizens you get it my mom was like altamont altamont get out of here pig you're

not allowed on my land no my aunt theta's like viva la raza si se puede you know and they just fucking ran these cops off and the cops were very confused because they're like you don't you're you're citizens in elizabeth you don't support everything we do that's insane there were like nine of you and they show up as if it was a rager as if there was a fucking house fire or something and yeah it was like four in the afternoon the sun was up it was just uh was it the saturday of graduation so they were just going around from house to house trying to fucking give tickets out yeah it was like right after graduation the the grill wasn't even emptied of all the meats my uncle was cooking yeah those fucking those fucking nasty pigs tried to come pop the t-dog not when uh not when the maniac of elizabeth is at the top of her wheelchair just cleaning her gun

it seems nuts that uh they would ever like you would never get a call because you guys that that house is isolated from like neighbors right so you wouldn't get nobody would call for noise so they're just fishing they're just out there fishing for yeah they were just going to the spots they were going to all the fishing holes that you know and using dynamite and my mom was like i was at kent state i'll kill every pig in this town hit it fita yeah my aunt has a giant two-necked guitar out and hit it. Yeah. My aunt has a giant two necked guitar. Sight this.

Yeah. My mom's like, Julie, hit it. And my aunt's like, I'm Theta. My mom's like, I know that bitch. I haven't had my stroke yet your mom's like i'm calling everybody julie i think i think it's my new thing i don't know why i don't know why but it feels good something in my brain says this makes sense i think everybody's gonna call each other Julie in the near future yeah like 10 years before my mom's drug

we just find her with a notebook and all that's written in there and her beautiful cursive hand is the word Julie and Baco reigns oh my god what's you predicted everything my mom does she taps her head and nods my dad's like betsy i don't want to take you in there she turns the gun on him julie all right fine

my mom god it'd be so funny to see her shoot a gun in that fucking little wheelchair yeah she just she just goes rolling down a hill backwards yeah but when she wants to go the opposite way she shoots the gun over her shoulder damn that's actually a pretty sick premise shotgun granny for a movie. Just like she can't get around without shooting the gun in the direction she has to go. Fuck. I'd watch 90 minutes of that. Oh, for sure, dude.

I'd make 20K for that screenplay. Let's go. What was your damn proposition? Do you even remember any? Yeah, let's switch heads let's go to the head switchery they opened one up up here no so here you go lund all right next year emily and i uh are going to be pretty mobile we're going to be in and out of the state of colorado and she's doing like doctor rotations and stuff outside the state and we're debating right now whether we should um what are we going

to do with our stuff where are we going to live when we come back to colorado because if we move out of this house up here just mute your mic stupid god i'm screaming in my ear um so we're debating what we do with our stuff do we put it in a pod do we put it in my dad's house or do we just like keep renting this house for 2600 a month so my proposal was you and creech move up to fort collins move into this house we split the rent and then we don't have to move any of our stuff. And we stay here when we come back and we have this big, like two on two party scene. That's perfect. We just uproot the lives we have here and house it for you,

but we pay for the pleasure. You pay for half of it. We pay twice as much as we pay down here. Yeah. How much do you pay up there or down there? Six 50 each. No. God. Yeah. Living a pig fuck pit jesus christ why don't you and emily get a place down here and put your stuff in it and spend less than you'd spend on storage in fort

collins and have a place to sleep in when you're here because when we come home from paris or milan or the big city of new york we don't want to move back to 1830 we want to be around our friends and family when we come back to the state of colorado not uh you know i don't want to have to put a wooden spoon in peicher's mouth and flip carlos over so the bed bugs don't get his front so it rules down here dave down here that's the last both the daves we need both the daves who are the other get bory bory yeah they won't let bory live there that's for sure caldwell i need caldwell down there for sure so you don't want to do that no bud? No. Shit. Sorry.

I thought this was a good deal. Uproot your lives. You can make coffee up here and bartend up here. I'll get you a job. It's not so much that as it is where we were. Me and Albright. Yeah. I have to give him the Heimlich because he keeps eating too much ice. Yeah, Becker, you can move up here, too.

You can move into the third bedroom. You're trying to make the bread work, huh? Yeah, it'll be our little podcast. Just have nine people living in your house. And, Lem, when we come home off the road, me and you can, like, you know, hang out and stuff, and the girls can cook dinner. No, it would be nice. I like that.

I like the idea of it, except for the reality. I think it's best in our imaginations, as opposed to making it actually happen. Shit, well, me and Emily thought it was a fucking lock, so I'm very confused right now as to how unexcited you are about this sick idea. Yeah. No, sorry. now as to how unexcited you are about this sick idea yeah uh no sorry okay well i'll just be over here fucking myself then who cares i guess we'll just stay uh underneath the bridge when we come home if that's what you want because you don't care about our safety our health when are you

when are you talking about you said august next year okay anything can happen in 11 months so maybe you'll creature wise up and ditch your fucking loser ass yeah maybe we will take a page out of the dave and betsy playbook and double suicide a little ahead of schedule yeah yeah that would be awesome if your last words were julie all right well never mind i thought that was going to be the uh the big lock of the week the lock of the week yeah i literally did that's dumb well not that long ago i mentioned it and you can't remember if you cared or not, but the tables have turned. Now I'm the one who says no. Well, I figured you,

it might at least riff for the benefit of the podcast, but no screeching halt now. Oh yeah. That's the issue. Instead I took us in a whole cool new direction. I went from switching heads to your mom mom suicide by cop i'm killing it yeah you're killing my vibe you're killing my wife's plans for her early retirement which were to come home we live in the same house she accidentally forgets which bedroom is hers

comes in there fingers you i just watched the jackass too when uh yeah you did you did watch it and what was i doing jerking off to a slavery doc i watched a slavery documentary on a different channel it's a living there was no pud pulling to that slavery doc speaking of my locks of the week i really like pat fryer moose over 34.5 yards tonight in the thursday night football showdown who pat fryer the tight end pat fryer moves for the your pittsburgh steelers over 34.5 receiving yards like that one a lot all right you hit a hell of a parlay last week yeah i know dude i'm fucking rich and that's why i'm game i'm gonna fucking buy creatures loyalties uh i'm gonna be like oh yeah you live with me yeah like i said that's that's a ways off so let's keep in touch the idea of being able being able to

lurk around the comedy fort is definitely good i like that yeah yeah okay well i can i can raise pat mccall and sammy pichiotta the right way i'm gonna pull a fucking double julie i am i don't have much to live for anymore man instead of gord instead of getting a new dog you get me and creech and you still put out a bowl of food and a bowl of water every morning yeah and one of you still pisses on the couch every chance they get oh hell yeah get all my teeth taken out

that'd be perfect for what I want to do to your skull ugh I want to use your mouth give me that mouth hey you're not doing anything with that mouth. Get over here. Julie. Yeah, say my aunt's name. So I think everyone wants the Becker update.

What's Becker's deal? Still not sleeping like a person. Losing your mind. How are you sleeping? Like a bat? Yeah, from like you know like six to nine a.m or seven to ten ish brother just get back on the spike go to bed who cares i wish it was legal so bad i went on about it yesterday and i think i worried that's all that's keeping you from relapsing into opiates is the legality

yeah because if it was well no not just the legality if it was legal it'd be cheap enough to do well here's what i'm saying dude why don't you take all this money that you're hoarding and keeping away from us and open up like a a greenhouse and just grow poppies in there and be an opium sandy you could open up a fucking opium shed down there my mom was supposed to pick up my opium seeds when she was at my uncle's house in ridgeway and the bitch didn't do it on purpose i believe what a bitch you want to yeah trying to save your life but this was my plan was to have a nice little window garden and just do a little scratch of opium each night now what's a scratch tell the folks at home your drug slang you jive talking

bitch oh so the way you get like raw opium it's it's a lot like maple syrup like you know shit slut daddy knows how to milk the cow yeah you scratch the plant and then it saps out a little bit and you steal that sap with a little dab tool yeah man you nick that fat titty and then you go and then you go dab milk mommy you dab it you're gonna dab raw opium syrup yeah that's what that's what we did with it anyway it's just supposed to let it dry bro let it dry come on the courts no i'm doing it on courts it'll be fine wet oh sick well hey if that's the deal i got a bunch of opium poppies up here i'm gonna start nicking them and slurping them dude i want to get nicked so bad yeah dude imagine how everyone would just think that i was living my best life because i'd be well rested

and happy yeah instead of now where you're just a simmering ball of discontent yeah i'm like i'm really kind of losing it with the sleep shit that recliner you're sitting in looks like it stinks it looks like it smells bad it's soiled it looks like the front of my honey stained shorts right now yeah it's just kind of the color my grandpa bought it right before he died so nobody's really sad on it other than he died in it yeah it's my money i'll die wherever i was well went in the basement and he couldn't go in the bay i don't i really don't know why he spent the money i can't take it with me and i'm not letting you have it i don't want a little pillow i don't want a death

bed i want a death recliner so long pillow sucks because I have scoliosis so bad the pillow's not broken. That's your new thing this year, having scoliosis. Next year it'll be MS. Then you'll have lupus in 2024. I hope I don't have MS. Don't say stuff like that. You have it. Who cares? Probably.

My mom has it. She loves it. She's having a blast, dude. She gets a little dizzy sometimes it's not a big deal yeah she's crawling around tarantula style she turns it into a little dance yeah one time she she got dizzy and fell backwards into uh her closet doors you know they're like sliding and they're pretty lightweight you know but she's small so she crashed into him and they like fell on her or something she just had to yell for my dad it sounded pretty funny she had a whoopsie what what oh nothing i just don't think it's funny to make fun of someone's mom

yeah oh we're going all the way to the bank with that shit hey lund so let's practice your phone call with my wife okay okay so i'll be i'll be you or my wife i'll be my wife be me be my wife please i'll be my wife you be you ready and this is your phone call so becker you're the receptionist okay okay so uh secretary jacob can you uh patch through that call with that big fat animal that lives down south sure all right i'm gonna be milking this fucking fat teat like an opium poppy get him on all the pills he needs anyway patch him through right. Nathan, Dr. Talent is ready for you. I'm the sexiest doctor ever. Everyone here wants to fuck me at the hospital. Whoa.

Hey. Hi, Emily. Oh, hey, Nathan. How are you? It's Sam's partner, Emily. Yeah, I remember. Yeah. So thank you for taking the reins of your own health. It's really nice to talk to you.

I haven't seen a doctor in a long time, and I didn't want to see one ever again. I wanted to see a coroner as far as medical professionals, but I figured your birthday wish was for me to pay you $300 to tell me I need to lose weight. So here we are. See, that's what everyone thinks this is. I'm not just going to tell you to lose weight. I'm not going to tell you to quit eating 25 White Castle sliders when you're out there on the road with my husband. You know, we're just going to talk about little stuff, little changes you can make. Did he tell you I had 25 i had maybe 11 so actually sam wears a live body cam the entire time he's on the

road so i can just no he's not just a way that we can kind of keep tabs on each other because i know he's out there on the road and everyone wants to suck his dick because he's like the best comic ever so uh this is my way of like keeping that from happening that's a good move thank you so best so how have you been feeling recently you look bad uh i feel good uh really this is just like a hey don't judge a book huh that's right uh don't judge a menu by how many pages are in it right that's the thing we say in medicine i look like mine conf but i feel like highlights magazine for kids you look like my cunt battered and smelly but yeah uh i feel pretty good i'm able to like walk around and stuff. I haven't had a gout for a while. That's good for 40. Good for 40. Yeah.

Still walking. Making a note. Almost every day. And how about, how about you say the gout's not really an issue? No, I get, I get these uric acid pills and I take them and I take a multivitamin. It's a gummy. It feels like cheating, but it's supposedly there's all kinds of good stuff in the in the gummies for me to make me big and strong for health okay i wrote that down so

despite your gluttonous death your gluttonous death wish that you're uh every day engaged in you're feeling good yeah i mean i i feel like uh i'm probably 280, and that's the right weight for me. That's what my body naturally wants to carry itself around as. Actually, I called the state of New Mexico. If you can get down to Raton, we got a truck scale waiting to weigh you in. Oh, yeah. That's on the pass. Yeah.

Yeah. I can get down there. Okay. Great. Thank you. I'm hoping that I can get down there okay great thank you i'm i'm hoping that uh i can get some blood work done so i'm wondering should i like just uh you know prick a vein and then milk myself and send that to you in a in an envelope or do i have to go well here's here was i was

thinking are you still hanging out with that uh deviant iv drug user jacob becker yeah yeah i see him now and again cool i was thinking you could just go over there and let him get out the wet works and put that dry spike in you and pull some of that mud blood out of you gotcha yeah could you do that is your receptionist listening in this is that that That's a HIPAA violation. No, no, no, no. We actually put these all on speakerphone so everyone can hear them throughout the office. Oh, okay. You're monetizing my health conditions?

No, no, no. It's just that way we all have accountability. If anyone hears anything I didn't talk about, then they'll give you a call back. So eating a bunch, the gout pills are helping feels like whatever i want feels like 280 but uh i'm guessing you're really afraid to actually get on a scale so that's stark awakening is that right my uh the last time i was on a scale it went up to 280 and it was just right below so i think out the scale might be 278 so that's pretty good that's even that's even crazier

than 280 pushed scale to limits okay got that written down here in your file now how is uh how's your sex life non-existent you know what i mean seriously uh i don't really have sex i pull my pud now and then just make sure it's still working there's still blood that is able to go down there but and how is uh how can you describe your pud to me i can show you okay yeah yeah we are we are live streaming you want to go ahead and uh whip that thing out let me let me i didn't i didn't shave so there's a lot there's a big nest for the old bird that's okay let uh let dr t pick through the ruins of that cock come on there you go whoa look at that it's pretty good it's uh you know smaller than average but yeah it kind of looks like a pig's nose yeah there's two holes uh it's like a deviated septum yeah

two holes that turned into one big hole so when you uh when you chunk your batch or whatever you guys say on the pod i don't listen uh does it come out all at once or is it more of like a like a king toes what's going on with that thing because it doesn't look healthy uh nothing comes out and that seems okay like maybe i'm out maybe i'm out like i feel an orgasm you know and then and then i return to a flaccid state if i got hard you know sometimes i a chunk soft but then but nothing nothing comes out so there's no chunk it's like a chunkless chunk well i remember that time at uh at my wedding when you uh cornered me in that bathroom

and i remember what you spurted that day was uh it came out that day well it was four years ago a lot a lot of changes it was six years ago nathan oh yeah yeah yeah the day it was the day you assaulted me at my own wedding no there was no assaults jesus christ yes yes are you guys hearing this you guys hearing this in the next room i'm gonna do a suicide by doctor if you could uh mail me some poison or a bunch of tylenol pm that would be great so you are having suicidal ideations. Is that pretty common for you? Because I get it. I look at you and I'm like, I would do it. What's keeping him around? Yeah. Well, I mean, my best friend is your dick of a husband who that's all that's

keeping you alive. No, no. It's like, what am I even sticking around for to hang out with this asshole more? He wants me to move into your house and watch it. Oh, yeah. Isn't that a great idea? this asshole more he wants me to move into your house and watch it oh yeah isn't that a for the privilege isn't that a great i could watch over your stuff yeah you can move into our house or anything yeah just kind of living like a monument to sam and me i can live in fort collins on a street with no street lights seems like a road roadside death waiting to happen hey all right you know if you want to stay down there in a monkey town that's fine yeah i like it down here there's little to no sam talent you know what i mean maybe once a year he comes down and graces us with his presence but

other than that hey uh i'm safe secretary jake are you still on the call yeah oh hey that's not cool that's not cool man yeah you're jeopardizing my whole practice up here it's too good i gotta listen to what this glows up to you said it was on speakerphone moron why don't you continue a narrative it's on speakerphone in the other doctor's offices it's not in the secretary's chamber it's not for the mongrels yeah can't say mongrels my pud my problem can't can't really say mongrel this isn't my dick on the i don't want my dick on the big screen oh no no it uh we have it on the biggest screen so it looks really small it actually looks like a malfunction in the plasma mongrel uh when referring to uh secretaries isn't racist, it's classist. It says if you answer phones,

you are subhuman, but it doesn't attribute that categorization to a specific ethnicity. Well, look, I already said mudblood earlier, and I'm kind of worried about that one. So maybe I think that on the transcript of this

interview, we'll have that edited out, I think. You love J.K. Rowling. Hopefully my secretary will make note of that. You love children's books. I do love children. Well, Sam can't put a child in me because my uterus is ruined. It's wrecked. I used to do this thing where I would put a hair curler up there and turn it on and now

hold on i'm getting another call can you patch that through wait i mean jacob sure uh yeah uh here's here's your other call sam okay no sorry sam on the line oh sorry it's me emily hey husband how are you Here's your other call, Sam. Okay. Nope. Sorry, Sam. Is it Sam on the line? Oh, I'm sorry. Hey, Sam. It's me, Emily. Hey, husband. How are you? Are you there still? Oh, what?

I'm Lund. I'm here. Oh, okay. Well, I was hoping that, again, someone would fucking improvise. God damn it. I didn't know what you were doing. Did you want one of us to be Emily? That's it.

I'm going to go out the way my beautiful mother-in-law went. Julie, I'm coming. We did not need you in the mix. That's for sure. We had enough you as Emily. We had seen also you Jesus, even in a fucking made up scenario, you wanted you to be involved more i wanted you to be me i was i was already me yeah well i was i was a bunch of people at that point

no you were your own wife and you made me assault sound like i assaulted you on the greatest day of your life yeah i did because she told me about that gross she said that's what made it the best day of her life and uh you already said i know i'll keep saying it uh that was fun i am uh not really looking forward to having to talk to a good friend about how gross i am but well hey try living with that good friend and she comes home from work after seeing the grossest people alive and then she's like whoops i forgot you existed you're actually the grossest person i know we had a guy come in today who put his foot in a sausage grinder a couple weeks ago and he didn't patch it up and now it just uh now it just reeks like gangrene and almonds in there but i come home to you and good lord

is that honey is that honey on those sweats it better be honey come try it uh what were you putting honey on in my coffee next question okay would you miss the cup yes next question did you do anything with the sweatpants or are they just on my body next what do you mean i thought i'm wearing them changed they're on my body next question did you get a bunch of water on there no i got almond and coconut creamer on there next question uh do you have any other picks for tonight's game yes next question what what are they oh you want to know yeah oh you want to know well yo ass better call somebody nice when we were in cincinnati and we we were we would drive by god it was so like idyllic you know those houses in the suburbs

outside of cincy and we kept having to go by that fucking house that had the crazy conspiracy i don't know he was like a jesus nut and his truck you know had a bunch of like random shit plastered on it like when you die are you gonna go to heaven or go to hell you know and then like that's what emily's gonna ask you today the american flag and then uh one of the signs out front said r the letter r the letter u and then ready and it made me think of the signs out front said the letter R, the letter U, and then ready. And it made me think of the DX theme every time we went by. No, not that. I always thought of, are you ready? Degeneration X.

I like when people express their political views even if i disagree with them that's just part of being an american that i like different viewpoints seeing them think is that for me no it's not really but i'm glad they have the right to say that that's my thing there was that house and then like a couple houses down across uh on the other side of the street was a Trump house. Hell yeah. Had like 15 Trump Pence signs. I can understand being down for Trump, but flying the flag for Pence?

Come on. Can't you just be like, Trump rules, Pence is gay 2024. If that was what they were running on, I might vote for Trump again. It won't be Pence for a third time. I voted him for him for the lols yeah that worked that worked out well it was great both times i was like this is hilarious

and also there are too many brown people in the pool look i'm lun's mom i'm voting for trump this is this is a free one i know it is okay i'm doing i'm doing a character who likes trump you know god who likes trump and god yeah i mean dude it makes more sense to be pro trump than it does pro biden no one's pro biden but they're like i need to do this so shut up fucking pick up a gun start julian your way through a police station that's the only way out of this fucking mess is if brave people take up arms it's true man i'm trying to inspire a revolution that's all this podcast has been about this is gonna be a hearing one day with they play this back yeah yeah it's

just sweating on capitol hill yeah it's like hey mr talent when you said that all you hoped to do in your career was inspire the bloodiest civil war in the history of this land would you be that next question next question it was listen to the transcript this is my shane gillis moment but instead of just saying slurs it's like the worst insurrection in the history of violence and they give me snl for some reason they're like well it's pretty good sorry kids bako was trump the whole time yeah you have Trump tattoos on your legs, kids. I do, actually.

What? I have a Trump tattoo. It says, knock if you buck, child. Trump 2024. Right above your dick. Yeah, right above my old peen. Peen poon. Yuck. I remember

Becker I drove to Raton in the middle of the night last night for Arby's middle of the night what's the most upsetting thing anyone said on this pod like 10-ish they close at 11 Becker lives in a constant midnight because he doesn't sleep anymore

yeah it was it was dark but then uh the the the gay drive-thru kid hit on me pretty hard and that made me feel better about my life now when you say gay drive-thru kid what do you mean i mean like the the gay the gay fella working at arby's was hit oh he's a homosexual yeah sick i didn't know you were hanging out with those fellas did he see you or was he flirting through the i'll be becker's hot ordering his sexy voice not through the microphone once i got up to the window oh he was like hey do you want an extra beef and cheddar yeah and you're not like yeah and kept talking about my car and telling me i was cute what were you driving the fiat yeah no it was like it was like hey if you got any extra horsey sauce in there i'll take it

and it was like we're out but i'll go make some i got some red ranch for you yeah yeah it's red because there's blood in my jizz chunking in my cup i'm filling up a large no no ice you should have uh you should have got a jamoica shake brother is that i would have been up even more yeah yeah that's the issue look here's the thing people don't know little arby's hack you get that jamocha shake you get one of those apple turnovers you crush that turnover up you chew it up first spit it in your jamocha shake mix it up oh my god oh my god that takes me back to when my grandpa was alive why chew it up why don't you mash it or something how are you gonna do that when you're driving a big rig oh okay yeah you're road jacking yeah you gotta fucking push 20 gears you gotta get these goddamn

saws to arkansas becker what becker what did you order was the guy what's becker's order that's how you know we're struggling for content becker what are you talking about all we do is you're insane that's the dumbest shit you've ever said it was right it was never we never want to know what becker eats what do you do have you you don't remember doing this podcast for the last two years next question yeah good uh i had i had already eaten twice for dinner. Whoa. So I only got two euros and a big order of curly fries with extra horsey sauce. You got euros? Mm-hmm. They're good.

What the fuck? Arby's makes good euros, and we also live in bumfuck nowhere, and it's the only place I can get Greek food. You're going to arby's for the greek food buddy yeah it's good their their euros are good you're not elder had a very similar reaction when i told him that once and then uh like i don't know two times ago when i saw him he's like hey becker i went to arby's all those heroes aren't bad and i was like yeah they're good brother you're not sleeping you're going to Arby's for the Greek food.

You're pining for opium. We got to get help for you, buddy. Okay, Lon, go over to Becker's house. So when Emily calls, she can double dip on the two of you. Becker, what if you just got on Suboxone just cuts? No, I'd rather just go back to heroin. I would rather you did dangerous that's the arc for season three of troy behemoth becker relapses

becker on the run he comes up here he's like i'll suck you i'll suck you like no becker you won't be sucking me yeah well yeah becker you go up you live in fort collins at that house and then you got a whole backyard that you can fill with poppy yeah you can run around back there and fort collins is just lousy with heroin dude it is crazy really someone i know works in the northern colorado aids project blind item yeah oh shit is that you guys car alarm nope you guys hearing that no oh my god there's a goddamn car alarm going off go check it out this is nuts guys i'll be right back hey hey what's up with that car alarm out there man don't divide your own business shut up shut up apple man come down there make apple butter

out of your fucking hole how you like that try me try me you fat pig i will i'll come down there man i don't care i don't care if i live or die my best friend is fat as hell my other friend's going to arby's for the fucking ethnic food how about you come down here i'll put one of these apples in your mouth pig okay i'm gonna go back in my house get my mom's shotgun wait who who was who was your mom you know who my mom was everybody knows who she was she wrote her name in blood that fateful day oh my god is your is your mom the maniac of elizabeth maybe allegedly you want to find out julie

hey guys why do you why do you chitter when you walk like a fucking chupacabra what oh that's just that's my bones and toes on the on the ground when you okay you need to trim those nails because you skitter around like a fucking like a little squirrel demon i don't know what you're talking about i gotta grab some more coffee hold on you're just tiptoeing it oh man the apple man huh oh i remember he's you guys hear about the apple man he has an apple tree we could hear a lot of Oh, man. The Apple Man, huh? Oh, I remember. You guys hear about the Apple Man? He has an apple tree. We could hear a lot of that

interaction. Oh, really? It was heated. Shit. Emily's going to be pissed when she hears what just happened because she has that body cam footage. Free apples, though, right? Now that apple tree could be yours. Oh, the Apple Man. Anyone can have free apples. Yeah. Come

take this fucking shirt of hair off of me and eat the apples so i don't have to clean them up every day after i get back from the butt clinic my man works at the butt clinic he goes down there and he whiffs and he's like mouth butt mouth butt that's his job pin me pay me pin me pay me oh so hey i think we should probably do a shout out for our sponsor everybody we got two we have one we have one sponsor well we haven't talked about it so maybe keep me in the loop keep you in the loop yeah that'd be great we never got a dime from seven strong brand i like them yeah i know you like them that's cool i also like the sun the sun doesn't sponsor our podcast yes it does shout out the sun why don't you burn out sooner

than later so that we can all be done with this crazy experiment called humanity are you tired of the moon's bullshit well we got an alternative for you he's young he's hung he hangs out with lund it's the sun bigger than all the planets combined it's the sun becker calls it the day moon but he's dumb as hell do you like plants yeah do you like ocean tides no perfect because the sun only controls one of them the sun it's big it's gaseous it's red that's right well okay we got a bunch of we got a bunch of free shirts which is uh like money that you get to wear out and about money that you get compliments on let the shirts go buddy okay they gave us some shirts it was pretty cool the number seven hyphen strong.com check them out you're gonna be buried in those shirts buddy well that's the nicest shirt i own it is i do

i've been doing the joke about when i wear it about oh yeah fat guy in a fun shirt and how fat guy shirts always have a bunch of little somethings on their little canoes little pinatas little coffins and that's the funny that's the punch line but now i want a shirt with a bunch of little coffins on it like you have the one with different colored lightning bolts if those were little coffins that would be hilarious okay why don't you reach out to seven strong off the mic and see if they can especially design you a tiny coffin shirt so you can do your bit on stage where you wear one shirt over the tiny coffin shirt and you say wouldn't it be crazy if this had tiny coffins on it and everyone's like

yeah i guess and then you take off the shirt that you're wearing and underneath you reveal the tiny coffin shirt and everyone's like uh worth it i guess i don't know who is this guy this is sam's friend how How about this? Okay. You moving up here. How about you stop being so self-conscious about wearing shorts on stage that you create a lie wherein you planned on wearing nice, normal pants like a human, like an adult. And then there was a honey mustard accident. And why do you have to have a backstory? Just wear the shorts, man.

Just be you. Well, see, the thing about when I'm on stage that you and I are different about, I try to make them laugh. So that's why I say that funny story about the honey mustard. Whoopsie. Yeah. No, look, this is we're just joking, Becker. This is all just content. Becker, it's fine.

Stop crying. Becker. Becker. content becker it's fine stop crying becker becker yes take it out of your mouth okay yes it's cold i'm very cold it's cold down here too sam well you're sleeveless and you won't take your fucking hand off your nads i can see what you're up to dude i've seen you with your balls for 15 years now you're not getting away with anything damn you are good yeah his nads are warm yeah his nads are warm but he keeps itching him then he brings him up and whiffs him lucas monastery style no i wasn't whiffing you whiff you whiff bad dude lucas monastery was this kid that i went to high school and junior high school with and man he we used to bust him in miss phillips class all the time

he would go downtown he would check in with the fellas shake hands with beef and then bring it up and he would act like he was reaching for his glasses but instead his hand would just be palmed over his face while he adjusted his glasses he was totally whipping his nads all day every day i like i like another Primus reference. We're going to get sponsored by Les Claypool. My name is Mudblood. Yeah, so Lucas, shout out to you. I think you went into the ROTC and then

like, I don't know. No, let me guess. Well, I was going to say he is from Elizabeth, so he was probably torn apart by wolves yeah in the night god or chopper fire who knows no lucas was this fat guy and he used to whip his fucking sack all the time and god i remember heather rusk was letting me feel her up one time and then i was like squeaking squeaking that niblet. And then fucking Lucas went down and was he was in the root cellar,

seeing if he had any pickles. Then he came up with his glasses and I was like, check it out. She was like, oh, very important moment in my life. We've all whipped. We've all dipped. We've all dipped into the trough. You know, it's not a big deal. Just don't do it. And when there's a bunch of 12 year olds all around you we'll talk about it for the rest of your life i don't think i've ever whiffed my own balls oh you're lying dude that's

crazy you never care you itch and then you just go about your day yeah you don't check the temperature of the soup that's not good no that's what if what if you're about to serve the uh serve the raviolis to someone you don't see if they need more sauce no no no it's great becker do yourself treat yourself right now get in there yeah you've been eating arby's you're sitting on your grandpa's death chair. You got a fucking macrame blanket over you. You know those things reek. Go ahead. See what's up. I washed the blanket yesterday.

Decker. I'm doing it for you, Sam. Thank you. You've never done this before? You never smelled it. It doesn't smell like anything. That's insane. That's not true.

You can't smell. I shower at least once a day and do nothing no you smoke cigs you fucking eat horsey sauce instead of drink water you can't smell anything i drank like a gallon a half of water yesterday wow water bragging with jacob becker i drink a lot of water i drink a lot of water hands off drink a lot of water. Hands off my daughter. I do what I taught her. And Lund, you've been whiffing this whole pod. What do you got? No, I wasn't whiffing because.

Right. You're Lucas. I thought I was getting away with it. And the whiffing would have been a dead giveaway. You've never gotten away with it, dude. I've whiffed my belly button. Yeah. Yeah.

That's a classic. Yeah. Let me get in there. T-Cat. I've done belly button yeah yeah that's a classic yeah let me classic t-cat i've done with yeah that's a stink well becker we were eating uh thin crust pizzas in cincinnati our last night there and lun did this thing where he grabbed his balls and he plopped him down on the table oh yeah it thumped so loud nice yeah that was funny i want to attack i want to do my my gut which i've done at your oh at your house the counter is a little higher up so i did my gut and that was funny but then uh in the hotel the table was lower so i couldn't do my belly so i didn't i did did my other belly

my guns yeah he fucking dropped the whole easter basket right on the table and eat it finish your pizza not vegetarian but it'll make you feel good yeah so that was a fun new development in our friendship so luns been inching becker just first time whiffed uh i know what every crevice and pit on my body smells like so i was inspired by lucas monastery i took a shower last night so i figured i didn't need to whiff because it was probably fine i do need can i ask emily why does my junk itch so bad even like post shower just because i feel like i'm gonna tear it off it's because you don't walk around you just lay there and look at Facebook and play Candy Crush like a widower. And that's why your boys are stuck to the side of your leg all day.

No, when I bartend, I'm on my feet coming and going. No, you're on that rascal scooter. They got you on that little rascal behind the bar. Barco pushes me around. What do you want? Another Miller Lite? God damn it. My dad should come down there and offer you a wheelchair.

His palms are getting soft. He doesn't have wheelchair grip palm anymore. He's not jacking? Ask your dad if he jacks. Shut up. Hey, everyone. It's time to talk about our sponsor. Now, Becker, you like hot sauce, right? I love hot sauce right i love hot sauce it fills a hole in your life that a

sweet sweet lady h used to occupy well becker have you tried quarantine project brand hot sauce i have that shit rules quarantine brand project x featuring saul quarantine brand you're fucking getting seven strong in there yeah so go to quarantine dash seven project no no no so there this is our friend rick de simone now rick de simone was a comedian allegedly allegedly he was a great guy he uh he was a much better guy than a comedian he actually he had some good stuff for sure yeah but he did it 10 years straight you could set a fucking watch to it much like you can set a watch to the flavor profiles of quarantine project brands hot sauce they got so many good i'm gonna go to the website right now guys look at all these flavors available man they have the dial up do you have dial up no it's a modem

they have the picky ricky they have the diesel bones they have the loca lola that's named after his ex-wife and they have the bullheaded r.i.p yeah so rick just broke up with his wife and he's out on the prowl trying to fuck the older sisters of all of our friends he was all horned up at high plains friday night and was like yeah i'm gonna sponsor the pod i was like oh yeah come to the come to the show uh mutiny tomorrow at four he doesn't show up i was like oh that was the shortest relation you know partnership i've ever been a part of well he was sleeping it off he had a long friday night yeah yeah texting kaylin wiles just come look at it just come look at it i got a for you it's good i left her for you i put hot sauce i put hot sauce on it

let me call you nancy while we do it um so uh this hot sauce is denver based that's in the copy he gave us as if that was important uh the sauces are sugar-free gluten-free and vegan for guys like me and they're not taste free no they're not these aren't fucking make a note there i'm leaving it no becker come on okay let's take two we just had to edit out my pitch because it was a little too extreme he was bad boy i was just goofing someone has to you know goof around on here while you're whiffing your nuts i'm gonna eat a peach eat a peach uh so yeah let's pretend that uh your your mouth is a is a flavorless hole put these sauces in there that's a lot safer than the last one right yeah okay good uh so go to qpsauce.com and use code

chubby for 25 off your first order that's great 25 off damn i know that's that's a discount yeah and they and they. They are really good. I like all the ones that I've tried. He's got a couple that have garlic in them. You can taste the garlic. It's not just either a bunch of heat or nothing at all. They're complex. I'm a big fan of the diesel bones.

I put that in my coffee this morning. Jesus, man. Honey and hot sauce. You are changing the game up there. I'm crazy, man. I get lonely in this house, and I Honey and hot sauce. You are changing the game up there. I'm crazy, man. I get lonely in this house, and I have to reality test. I have to push the boundaries of what's okay. You make your own fun.

I do. Yeah. So get on to QP sauce.com or just type out quarantine project sauce.com. Oh, he bought both domains. Yeah, he did. Use code chubby at checkout. 25% off. he bought both domains yeah he did use code chubby at checkout 25 off now guys before we land this school bus this magic school bus where we park this magic school bus in my urethra and let a

bunch of kids play around in there um i do want to pug fuck i said puck yeah you did oh lun stop that was fake that was fake i got you you didn't get me you're not getting me that was not a real one below the camera that wasn't a real one i got you son of a you know you whiffed you whiffed you lucas lucas lucas you saw it yes he did not a whiff yeah you touched your fake glasses no i touched where you saw you touched your face after you were downtown it was fake you were in the basement you went to the attic no dude you've been fucking lucasing all day nope um that one that one evened out the score it is one one no no so guys if you want to uh come on down to no uh yeah you can come down and see nathan um what is that i have your address here in the

quarantine yeah it's very it's very funny so does everybody who is a $20 patron well that's what i was trying to bring up guys if you want to join our, it's patreon.com slash Shubby Behemoth. Get on there. We have so many great fucking episodes. $5 a month gets you a free up. $20 a month gets you mail from Lund. And Lund loves sending out that mail. I'm itching my balls.

He's itching his balls. You know what we love, guys? We love our patrons. We love the people who go over to patreon.com slash Shubby behemoth and support this podcast i love the five dollar patrons i love the five dollar patrons we love the twenty dollar patrons we love all of you guys because it means so much to us that you want to give us less than a cup of coffee a month so we can deliver you four hours of premium content all right we do everything we can we got the live episode from the high plains comedy festival over

there you can see fucking bako live on camera as he holds his gun to that child's scared face um we have all types of great bits we have the fucking ass dr t where emily my wife answers all your questions lunge us whiffed again just saw it that's two on the whipping yes so go over to patreon.com slash chubby behemoth lund has been busted twice now on this no that's not true at all you don't know what you're talking about the gravy on your biscuits and i'm missing calls from uc health because they have to ask are you about my smoking history oh you need to answer that yeah i'm blowing it you need to answer it for real and we told me those calls it's not ringing it's not ringing yeah i'm i missed the calls they're not currently calling call them back yeah no shit let's land back on the plane okay well hey land it uh john

landis check out the ask dr t episodes but don't say that they're your favorite because it hurts my feelings. Yes. So go to patreon.com slash chubby behemoth. We love you guys. Becker, what's the last word? Torch. RB zeros.

RB zeros. What's torch? It's the only thing that was in my sight. Oh, God. You just said something that you could see. I'm really out of it man i'm so sleep deprived your brain is atrophied take i'm taking i need sleep that's right you need poppy singing what i'm saying join the page