Chubby Behemoth - The Citay

Episode Date: August 22, 2026

Pre-Order Sam's New Book - https://www.amazon.com/dp/0593978897/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3I4LOBQ02YIGW&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.k5eCApJdjwVfn7hSelWi5VdRMlVrzKa4zf68ficcjcg.tZZOiI0nB0n3kkWiGAbidMQy5yUS_MkvmEIaXp-LXjo&dib_tag=se&keywords=sam+tallent+brut&qid=1769522903&sprefix=sam+tallent+,aps,181&sr=8-1&dplnkId=90401c83-a6a0-4ad4-999e-ece570a5d320&nodl=1     SEE THE BOYS LIVE - https://www.samtallent.com/     Sponsor: Ridge - Get 10% Off your entire order & take advantage of Ridge's Annual Sweepstakes by going to https://www.Ridge.com/CHUBBY #Ridgepod #sponsored NO PURCH. NEC. Open to legal residents of 50 US/DC, Canada & the UK, age maj.+. Void where prohibited. Begins 7/24/26 and ends 9/8/26. 2 winners selected. Max Prizes total ARV: $380,000 USD / approximately $516,000 CAD / £306,800. Canadian skill- testing question required. Subject to Rules, including free entry method & odds: ridge.com/rules. Sponsor: The Ridge Wallet, LLC.   AUCUN ACHAT NÉC. Ouvert aux résidents autorisés des 50 É.- U./D.C., du Canada et du R.-U., âge de maj.+. Nul là où interdit. Débute le 01/08/25, se termine le 15/09/25. Sélection de 2 gagnants. VDA totale max. des prix : 380 000 $ US / ~516 000 $ CA / 306 800 £. Question d'habileté mathématique (Canada) req. Sujet au règlement, incluant méthode de participation gratuite et chances de gagner : http://ridgewallet.ca/rules. Organisateur : The Ridge Wallet, LLC.     PATREON EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth     This week the boys are home and going remote. Sam still has mustache rights, wishes he could go back and have his first sip of rumple minze, and tells the fellas about his recent meetings. Nathan hands out some road awards, stopped himself from doing an Um Actually, and thinks he should accompany Sam to his meetings.     00:00 Grey And Dead 01:26 Sowing Discontent 03:00 As A Form Of Control 04:29 A Couple Of Awards 07:00 I'm Some Guy You Just Met 09:19 Wish You Were Here 10:25 Drinking Rumple Minze 13:49 Three Tries 16:42 Is That Autism? 18:00 Hams He Finds On The Ground 21:55 Want To See What It's Like 24:00 I Love It So Much 31:42 We All Bear Our Crosses 33:30 Bullets With His Face On It 37:09 Egg Taster 39:04 Someone's Gotta Be There 41:26 Do Something I Guess? 44:03 While Jewel Is Playing 47:37 Wearing Flip Flops 55:53 Could Be A Magician 57:39 Not A Funny Gag 59:53 No Ones Ever Been Heavier     Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

Yeah, hopefully they'll just appear there magically and, you know, all my problems will be solved. I like the mustache. Yeah, the mustache. I don't know. I do know. It was for, it was for Susu. She was unfazed. No one cared.

I'm just looking at it now. Yeah, I mean, that's not, it wasn't ready to be unveiled, I would say. but gotta give another week. It's gray. It's gray and dead. It's winter on your lip. Lip winter.

Yeah. I'm lip winter. On my lips. That'd be sick. Remember her? I didn't hear you. Who? Oh. Never mind. I guess we both have secrets.

Who did you say? Becker, how are you? I'm doing. well, I also didn't hear the name you said. I think your mic got weird for a split second. No, you guys were riffing. You got to remember to listen while I was riffing. That's the big thing. That's your accusation. It has to be, it has to be talking to you. Your accusation is I was thinking of things to say. No, you're probably thinking of what you're going to have for lunch in exactly 58 minutes and 42 seconds. I think that's where your head was at. I came in here and you guys were sowing discontent and

You know, I'm just trying to find a way back in to your hearts. No, we were actually talking about how you're going to have to bail for your big Hollywood phone call with kids showbiz and Dr. Moneybags or whatever. And how we'll have to plug dates. And I wasn't sure if you had details on the book stuff, which I'm very excited about because last time was so fun. It was such a weird preview of this because this is going to be even crazier. I can't I really need to I don't know dude I like I need to just be in the now I can't be worried about like all that shit but yeah hopefully it's in four days so it's not I know it's not it's not head in the clouds like I don't know what to do no I know but like dude there's so much shit that like just goes on and like I don't know I need to just I can't get my hopes up but there's there's plenty of cause to get my hope stuff about lots of stuff the stuff the Here's where it'll be. The Post will be the 21st in Detroit, 7 o'clock.

The Barnes & Noble on State Street in Chicago on the 22nd for the big book event, like the big kickoff event. And then I think Toledo on the 23rd, we're doing a bookstore there. And then the next week, probably doing an event in Bloomington on the way to Indianapolis. But those are all the events I know about right now. These are all being handled in-house by Random House. I just, man, I just,

it's all good stuff. There's a lot going on. You decided to shave the mustache as a form of control. There's a lot you can't control, but you can control your facial hair. This is all I have. This is all that belongs to me anymore. I didn't sign this away on a dotted line,

along with my soul. Moustache rights, lip rights. I have autonomy around this hole. You have to have. Every other hole has been jammed. stuffed and bleeding, but this one's mine. Yeah, until Random House sells your lip space

like NASCAR to DuPont or Monster. You have to have Monster, the Monster font on your lip. My teeth, I get tattooed on my teeth, eat Fritos just right there. I didn't read the contract. My literary agents, like, yeah, man, I didn't know that they would invoke the

Fritos clause, but it's pretty boilerplate stuff. Your body is just... Zzz, zzz. A billboard. Yeah. You read a passage from your very personal novel. And then you're like, and as always, don't forget, the only dip for your chips is, of course, French's onion dip.

That's right. Go to your store. Ask for it by name. French's or nothing. I've been Sam Tanlin author. You can also spackle a hole in your wall with it. French just does everything. It's not just.

Yeah, it's pace for your home. What a trip we go. Oh, yeah, I wanted to give out a couple of awards real quick from our trip. I like this. Yeah, there's only two, but man, these were memorable. Closest talker, Rattlesnake Jake, easily. He was, we were practically making out. We were on second base.

He was in my mouth. He was talking and it was reverberating. I felt the vibrations more than heard his voice. Whoa. Yeah. Like, you know, at sidesprice, splitters. People were leaving. There was a bit of a crowd, but he didn't have to be as close as he was. And it was fine. He smelled, didn't smell like anything. His breath was, you know, not, I didn't, I didn't, he didn't reek. So I just laughed at the idea, you know, because I, I didn't care, but it was funny because he was right there. And then, uh, most time, most time shaking my hand by, by a dozen easily. No contest, uh, cold liquor, soft drinks, I think.

Yeah, yeah. Just 15 times. And again, very nice. He was, he chided me for shaving my head. He was like, you have that beautiful hair. You're going to shave it off. He was bald and said how his lady was, wanted to play with his hair, but it wasn't going to be an option.

He just can't, it can't come back. You can't bury your head in the pet cemetery and hope that you can have a nice head the hair. It would be even. Yeah, you can't go ostrich style in the haunted caliche and bring back your wig. He also, like, if he could have, he would have done more than shaking your hand. I think he would have picked you up and put you on his shoulders and paraded you through St. Pete. I mean, that guy loves us. That guy was a shining head. I think he's defected to JDF McCann. But, you know, that was a hot move for a while. Meanwhile, the old Clydesdale's are still pulling this horse. We're not horse. We're the horses. We're pulling this wagon. We're the tinkerers, but we're in our own cart.

It's like we're in outer dark and we're selling a child we found in the woods for scrap metal. That's us. J.D.F. McCann's like, oh, I'm making a movie. I'm in Australia. All right. Hey, guess what? I'm in America. And you know what else is in America? The industry we've devoted our lives to. So have fun down there, James. It's knocking on your door. He tricked. Hey, put this jacket on. It says Folgers.

It says, I've had nothing but meetings all week. And it's just insane. Because like all these Hollywood people like, they get these jobs and then they don't have any idea how to create stuff. And then you charm them and like say some smart shit. And then the next thing you know, they're like, well, it sounds like you not only want to write, but you could direct this. And then I have to say, I've never directed before.

I don't say I'm not a director or what are you talking about or I'm some guy you just met. I say, you know, I've never directed before. That's the kind of shit you say. Or they're like, yeah, do you want to be in the new Matt Rife movie? We can just give you a role. And I'm like, what? Matt Rife has a movie? And they're like, yes, it's filming in Delaware.

It's just nonstop insanity. And it's overwhelming. It's very overwhelming. Um, yeah, well, I've told you, uh, yeah, that there's a lot of, uh, things that could happen will happen. You just don't know when and you don't know exactly. Like it's very, uh, it's very fun to imagine specific people for roles. But the odds of getting all of those people, your first choice are slim. So you have to, it's best to have a, I think a little wiggle room and then just hope for the best.

I thought that. Hmm? I thought that was the case. Yeah. Guess who texted me yesterday? Gagin. Guess who texted me? Sam Talent.

I receive a text message from. Corey Hame. That Barry Coogan guy. Whoa. He's that guy. He's hot. Yes. He's a good-looking guy.

Hot in a weird way. Well, actually, I got a text from my agent saying this is the phone number of Barry Coogan. You should hit him up. He loves your book and wants to be brute. And it's like, whoa. I'm going to text some guy who's in movies? This is your. job. He likes it. That's good. Go on. I've done my job. I don't need to fucking whine and die in a movie

star over the phone. The hardest way to get in someone's pants is a text message. What am I going to send memes? Hey, Barry. Check this up. Hey, what's up? You always look wet and scared. How are you, man? A man kicking himself in the head. Hey, Barry, check this. Don't know if you've seen this. Right. Yeah. It's like, hey, agents, I can only fuck this up. All right. So, I don't. I don't know with artists. I don't know, dude. I think sometimes often, it's probably best for you, because you're, the sincerity. Uh, anybody like him that's been doing this for a while is probably more receptive to you being sincere and talking like a person versus all of the agent managers speak that they get that they start hearing all the time and it gets very boring, I would

imagine. And you just don't know. But then Barry gets a photo of me in my swim shirt, like in the lake, like, hey, man, you know. Wish you were here. Room for one more. Thinking about you, bear. It's like, I don't, I didn't look, maybe, maybe like artists, I guess actors, they take themselves very seriously. They want to talk to the author. They want to go to the source.

It's like, hey, man, you know what I was up to? Putting a mustache in. I drew this mustache on my lip. who impressed my niece. It took me hours. I had to stitch it into the skin. So, yeah, Barry, sorry. I thought Becker had like a pint.

It looked like a small pint glass bottle. Uh-oh. Becker's hitting the sauce. Drinking rumble mints. Yeah. Yeah, it looked like it was in the free. It looked like a glass ice cold rumblements. Yeah.

In the freezer. Sure. And you remember when you get rumble mints real cold and it would thicken? Mm-hmm. And it'd be like, man, man, you're in a field party. everyone's wearing their jackets it's like 40 degrees that bottle of rumblements comes out gets passed around it was like hot even though it was cold damn i wish i could go back and have my first sip of rumblements like out of some guy's jacket you know in a parking lot that was i was never a rumblements guy

but the dad lounge random very often random people would want rumplements sorry we didn't have it stoking their flames man um Let me see. What other awards can we give out? Well, Becker might win the dickhead of the day. He said he blew it before you got in here. Yeah, I won the Dipshit Award for today, for sure. What? Is that on your balls?

I couldn't sleep last night, so I was up to, like, three. And then looked at our text message. Yeah, I just, like, couldn't sleep. And then looked at our text message and was like, well, we'd have to go at once. So that means three. and decided this at like three in the morning in dreary. I was like, I got to get up early to do my walk. And then just stayed committed to that because I woke up,

bleary-eyed and stupid and tired and got going. And then when you texted us and I sent you that thumbs up, I had to turn around and run home. And then realized by about like Lucy's that I wasn't going to make it. So I got Leslie to pick me up. Ooh, an excuse to see Leslie. Yeah. And she drove me the rest of the way and saved my ass, so I had time to, like, you know, think for a second before we did this.

Because you thought you were in the, you thought you were in Iceland's time zone for a minute. I did reversal time math at three in the morning. I get it. Didn't think. But when you texted it to me, it wasn't like, oh, wait. It was like, as soon as I read it, I was like, fuck. And then so my automatic mental. time math today was perfect.

It didn't take like a huge realization or anything. And then I was so mad while I was running about like, you could have slept till now. You could have kicked so many more dogs. If you plan this correctly. You fucking moron. You barely counted any tarantulas today. Yeah. I also got stuck with the, there's a very autistic man who's very nice.

He's a bit of a smush-o on the big hill in town. And yesterday he caught. He's like, he's like the troll that hangs out there? Yeah, he's got a nice house. Uh, I don't know. An indoor smusho. Who provided it for him. But yeah, he's got his own place.

He's outside. He'll usually like wave or like say like, hello. Hi, Jake. Like, high back. Speed any spiders today? Yeah. He opens his mouth. Amtrak.

Amtrak bought him that house because it ran him over. It could be. Yeah. Because he wanted to be closer to his favorite day. Smushed him. We call him Penny because he got smushed on the tracks. Yeah. But yeah, as I went by, he hit me with a question and I, like, couldn't hear him.

A riddle. That's what trolls do to go. Yeah, be careful. He got me. Three tries. And so, like, I couldn't understand what he said because he asked, like, why does something? And so, like, I paused to be, I wanted to make sure it wasn't something important. And he said, like, why do, why are there hitches?

and I was like, what? And they repeated himself, and I was like, I don't know, I don't know, what? And he was like, on trucks, why are there hitches? And man, he tied me up for like seven or eight minutes asking me questions about trailer hitches and then trailers. You almost got baked into a pie, didn't you? And then, yeah. Did you follow him into his gingerbread home? No.

But like, I don't want to go that way because I don't want to get caught again. And I can't stand the idea of being rude and just like waving him off or rushing past him. But man, you know why you didn't like it? Because if you spot it, you got it. You saw yourself reflected in this hilltop smushow who was stoked about truck parts. And you were like, fuck you. That's my thing. I'm the simpleton in town that people have questions about who's into cars.

The questions were like, when you go camping, where do you put the cooler? What the hell? And I was like, in the truck. And he was like in the bed or inside. And I was like, either one, man. I don't do a lot of camping. What goes in a cooler? Yeah, it was.

Yeah. How much ice people think it's cooler than other things? It's just a square red brick. How much ice do people eat when they camp for three days and three nights? Mm-hmm. Yeah. When I take a bath in the cooler, do I dump the ice out or what do I do? I know you guys had like a,

a knave i don't know about this guy i'm not i'm not out there yeah he rules i know his last name but i don't want to out him uh but he's a super mongo super nice guy it's not mongo he's a super super super nice guy but it was just like hard not to laugh and to like continue to answer the simplest questions and not feel insane becker and i had a laugh welcome to my world buddy all right talk to you at 1130 after you've had 40 dabs talk to me before noon we all have the moments in our day where we're the man on the hill asking about truck hitches

that sounded like a setup to a joke I thought it was going to be some kind of misogynistic why do you put a hitch on a truck so that your truck carries your shit instead of your lady I don't know I can drag your wife behind it yeah if you can read this the bitch fell I don't know Oh yeah, Becker and I had a laugh because I was given a very special, really nice piece of art from contemporary Shirm.

It's a drawing of me with my two dogs. It says, girl dad, it's great. And my first thought, maybe my second, my first thought was, wow, this is awesome. And almost immediately after that, my second thought was, well, Mama is bigger than this. and I almost said it and stopped because I realized it was insane. And then I said that to Becker and I was like, wait, is that autism? And he was like, my dog's not this small. I got big dog.

I'm a big man. That was fun. Well, yeah. And I realized, like, he doesn't know that because, like, Beanie's been on camera, I think, once or twice, but she's tiny so I can, she can jump up on my head or I can hold her up to the camera. Mama's just, you know. She crawls through your ears, like a rat in a cartoon.

I wear her like a scarf. But mama's doing her thing. She's seizing off in the distance. Mama can't be in front of all the lights. Off camera. God forbid one of them flickers on and off. So yeah, it was just insane. It was very funny to realize that I almost blew it.

And now I did blow it. Speaking of not blowing it. Yeah. But I blew it really bad. You nailed it. Oh, yeah. Remember that guy in the merch line? I want to shout out this guy, dude.

I'm sorry. I didn't know you were autistic. you rule. I thought you were doing a bit. I thought you were doing a funny character as a guy who talked like this and got to walk the way. Dude, he had his arms. Becker,

you do it. I'm on the couch. He was Bluto. Show him how he looked. Yeah. Right. And he was like so excited to meet me. And I thought he was doing a funny gag because he walked,

he lumbered up like that and was like, hey man, how are you doing? And I was like, whoa, what are you up to? It felt fleshed out. Yeah. Yeah. It was like he was auditioning for level five of Second City. Yeah, he had it locked. This was his graduate performance.

No, then you guys were like, oh, he was stimming. Like, he was just really excited to meet you. I was like, oh, final fight over there? I thought he was doing an awesome character of a man who eats hams he finds on the ground. Yeah, he was cool. His name was also Nathan, and he was cool. But, yeah, he was, I thought he was, he didn't say anything. for a second for like a minute.

I thought he was either very drunk or I didn't think nonverbal, but like he wasn't talking to me. And then eventually he stopped doing, I think he had a couple of ticks or whatever. And then we started talking and he was great. I think, uh, we had that possum to eat the ticks off. I had a fly sweater, got him. Yeah, helped him out. And then he was like, hey, thanks.

Yeah, Nathan, you're a sweetheart, buddy. I read it wrong. I meant no disrespect. I think we still had a good interaction. Yeah. I mean, you were there, Becker, laughing, trying not to swallow your tongue because you understood what I didn't. But yeah, sorry, man. You're the dog.

He explained himself. He loved it. He didn't explain himself to me. He told you it wasn't a character and that this was all real. I said, okay, sure, buddy. All right. Hey, I hear you loud and clear, man. but yeah he was a straight heart he ruled when he offered to diagram a wasp's body that he was

you know can you hear that good guy yeah what was that i don't know somebody was farting mega right no it was like god i got scared that my desk was gonna come tumbling down i don't know what that was yeah i've been haunted by that interaction with nathan and uh sorry man i'm sure he was all good Got to talk to all of us and meet us. I think he got a picture. Shout out to the guy who's told me in Tampa. I drove four and a half hours to kill you.

From Miami? Like from Cuba. I don't know. I think he took a clipper ship. He was still wet. He stole a boat like GTA. He was like at the end of the Odyssey. He was lashed to a piece of driftwood.

I told Megan about that. siren. Could you imagine just being on a piece of wood in the ocean for a month? Ah! That was so stupid. See, on the other side, buddy. Hopefully you go home and not just towards more water. Ah!

Mm-hmm. Ah! Just hoping that a fish or a bird lands in his mouth. The logistics. Enough rainwater collects in there. Hmm? Enough rainwater collects in there. Yeah, I don't...

Yeah. Shows up, he's fine. Just looks exactly the same. I haven't read a lot of research on The Odyssey, but it's a good movie, and I recommend it to everybody. Yeah, it was very fun. If you want to see what it's like to tour with the three of us and Pat Richardson, the scene of the Cyclops, locking us all in his cage,

that's very similar to when Pat's on the road with us. He's nude. He's huge. He's screaming. He's a shepherd. His room smells like cheese. He's too big, really, to fit in society. Speaking of that.

He's always eating people. How about the guy in Tampa who said to me, oh, wait, no, Pat, no Pat. This was a different guy. He goes, hey, man, what was that? You got to keep doing that joke. I know it didn't, like, destroy, but it was so good. you're talking about the emulet or something and i was like what he's like yeah like i don't remember the joke but it was like uh like the emulet amulet i was like amulet well that's sam that's sam that yeah we're

talking about german punctuation uh i said oh sam has the he talks about like losing weight and he's got to find the amulet because of the gypsy curse and he was like no it was you it was you man so yeah uh the the stand your ground award goes to that guy who in the face of you know me just trying to tell him that it's Sam case closed this is not a head scratcher just I don't know

okay yeah agree to disagree on who told the joke that I'm quoting back to you right that I hear every night and or tell every night so you know but you're right man I don't know shit about fuck yeah hey the customer is always right And yeah, even in matters of taste.

Get a shirt. I think Dick had the Tripp Award goes to the Airbnb owners in Nashville, who said we had to be out at 10, even though the owners were coming at 11. That wasn't Nashville. That was in Naples. Yeah. Yep. Yeah, that was annoying. Let's see.

Luckily, you got the rental car return to go. Did you guys get in trouble? No. No trouble. Oh, I got to do a second loop around the fucking area. airport because it seemed it seemed like there was a what didn't you take us by the Tampa airport like yeah also on accident on the drive back from St. Pete oh yeah that's why it was a second I love it so much yeah and and we get pulled over hey are you casing the airport because we've seen this car a few times

and you guys were wearing the same clothes in the footage we have um the first time there was just like so many different highways intersecting at once and I blew it. This second time, we needed to get, we still needed to get gas and we thought that there would be more stuff between the highway exit and the airport. And there was not. So, but it was okay. We got there, early enough and there, there weren't a ton of people going through security. So it was all good. But yeah, it sucked to have to drive by the airport again. wave at it. We'll see you in a little bit.

Hey, we'll be in there in a minute. Get the pepto ready. I was a little scared that it was going to be the difference. Or like there was no clear in the area that we went to. So we were in regular boarding. And oh, yeah, Jamar Neighbors was in line ahead of us. And probably thought that we were two dickheads who wanted to bug him because he was like, I'm going to call.

And I was like, yeah, no, we just clocked that it was you. It's all good. Yeah. And then we had to see him because you had a Mohawk and you were holding a painting you did of everyone in line. We had to keep seeing him as the line moved, you know, so that was saying, oh, still on the call. Don't worry. We're not here to kill you. Yeah, he's like, what's up, Becker? How you doing, brother? Becker's friend? Oh, yeah. What happened? You said you guys, he helped you. Were you fucked up? Yeah, one of the nights at the mothership for Sam Talent and Friends, I had like a crazy.

fucking headache. And there was nobody really around the club that night. So it was me, him, and Kim Kongden. And he just like kept handing me weed and cold water and was like checking on me a lot. Very nice. Oh, yeah. Kim breastfed you. I heard about this.

Kim did not breastfeed me. That would be horchata. Yeah. I do think she got me some Excedrin. I think she had Excedrin in her purse. But yeah, she's a nice person. She's lovely. Yeah, they were awesome.

Awesome. He especially was like deeply concerned and then was like, you just need more weed. Which is like everyone argues with me when I say that's the answer. So you're the best. Can you be my doctor? Yeah. Because every other doctor I've talked to said I need to quit weed. But here I am. I'm still alive. A bitch is still standing. Well, they were all wrong about the weed being the source of his mystery illness. And now, yeah, again, it, I'm guessing.

it helped it didn't make it worse right no it did help between the exeteran and the weed and like sitting in the dark without the music on i felt pretty good after like two hours yeah hey everybody don't forget to uh subscribe to our patreon there's a bunch of episodes in there we've started pretty much when we started this so we're well over 300 uh it it makes my life amazing and i appreciate all of you doing that Also, we have some goals we haven't talked about in a while, like filming me for a month and Lund being a good boy. And we'd still like to achieve those. Everybody hated that. Whatever.

I thought it was the idea that I'm like going through this torturous thing I thought would be exciting. I don't know. that I would have to refrain from doing all the things that make life tolerable. I thought that that would be like a fun thing, but like watching somebody in Saw, but maybe not. But yeah, we want you to join us on the Patreon. It's been six years. I forgot to say it during the episode, but we started six years ago. And we did start the Patreon pretty quick because we wanted people to have that option.

And God, and you're in there. But not everybody's in there. So we want you to join us over there. There's some really good shit in there. And that's not good. Good discussions. We do Q&As once in a while. Once in a blue moon, you get to ask a doctor, a medical professional, random questions.

Oh, yeah. It's real fun. So, yeah, join us on that Patreon today. $5 a month. Get in there. Yeah. Pre-order the book. It's at the top of the description.

It's coming out on the 22nd. We need to beat Mr. Beast so that Sam doesn't implode. Yeah, we have to curb-stomp Mr. Beast metaphorically on the charts. And that's no easy task. We need everybody in the, illiterate or not, literate, illiterate, just buy it. Yeah. Have somebody read it to you. You have friends who do.

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That's ridge.com. Use coat chubby and you're all set. After you purchase, they'll ask you where you heard about them. Support the show and tell them chubby behemoth sent you. Ridge. We all bear our crosses, Becker. I've only gotten like three migraines as an adult and it's fucking insane. It's crazy that people have those all the time. Yeah, sometimes when people have migraines all the time, I'm like, look, I'll just give you the TV.

All right, I'm out of here. I mean, never gets migraines, but I've, I had a bunch of exes who had migraines all the time, and it's like, all right, this is a very convenient migraine for when the Broncos game is on. God damn. Yesterday, I had a meeting with some people who made the town. Oh, yeah. As soon as they, it was revealed that they made the town, I really talked about the town more than probably. anyone ever has in the history of a Hollywood meeting, probably even more than the pitch of the town. They were like, it's bank robbers in Southie and Ben Afflex in it. And they were like, all right,

here's $38 million. And I know it was $38 million because the man in the meeting, that was really all he had to say about the town. It was like, it only cost us $38 million. And I was like, man, you ever watch that shit on a hundred? He's get on the couch and you crank that thing to a hundred man and you let the fucking fixtures rattle. That moves the best. And the guy had autism, so he like couldn't. understand if my enthusiasm was sincere. He like prefaced the whole meeting with like, by the way, I'm on the spectrum. And then just got fucking punished with town talk for way too long to the point where he was like, like looking down and like clearly answering text messages.

I was like, yeah, man. But then like if you turn it down, you can't hear it as good. So I like to go all the way up. You get a sound bar. You put a sound bar on one side of you, another sound bar on the other side of you. It's like you're in the town. And he's like, the town was, it's named after Charlestown. It's a, it's a, it's a suburb of Boston.

And I'm like, I know, man. And they rip, roar through it, man. And they're getting all their money. And he's like, $38 million was the money we had to invest. And I'm like, what have, what have Ben Affleck had a gun that shot bullets with his face on it? Now, what if you guys brought back the town, but you call it the city? And it's Ben Affleck and a bunch of black guys. And, uh, and it's, you know, it's.

You can't shoot it in Boston, obviously. So we can have versatility. But yeah, like, I'm like pitching him ideas. This guy, this guy, meanwhile, like the beginning of the meeting was awesome. He has autism. He jumps right into it. There's no, like, meet and greet. He just tells me what he wants.

And I'm like, oh, yes, we can deliver on that. And he's like, very good. And then somehow the town derailed us for like 12 minutes. His assistant left the room during the town talk. So I, like, didn't have anyone to talk to anymore. It was fucked. If I lose this deal, it's because I like the town too much. Well, again, I don't know.

I feel like that is cool because it's real versus some kind of like, if you were fake about it and you were like, oh yeah, I love the town. And then moved on, he'd be like, did he even see it? You know, like there's a lot of blown smoke and bullshitting. And so I would imagine that a lot of people appreciate somebody like you being like wide-eyed and like just like loving art. books and movies as opposed to like jack off motion who cares right the town's a cheesy popcorn movie i think i said the town is everything that's right was cinema why movies exist

i for sure said that's why movies exist is the town it's pretty great i would say i don't think you're wrong there did you say but did you say it helped 10 minutes of town talk is ridiculous yeah did you say anything about it wasn't that when right after your mom died oh yeah yeah it was my was up there. It was like four days after my mom died. Rand Barnaclo was in town and I promised him a place to stay. So yeah, I was mourning and morning for me meant like the windows

falling out of their sockets because of the town being so loud. My dad's in the other room like weeping looking at a picture of my mom. Meanwhile, he has a pillow on his head so he can focus on his sorrow because the town's so fucking loud through the door. I mean, he

He probably understood he's like, we all mourn differently. This is Sam expressing himself. Cranking the town. He probably watched the town sometime and she loved it. Were you sleeping? I'd never seen the town until right now. Did you fall asleep with it on 100 or were you just zoned out? You were very st.

Right when I got back to weed. So I had like a weed pen that I bought that day because I was so sad. And then I had a vape and I was just tusking it and Rand came in and was appalled. What are you fucking freaking out about? This is how you were conceived for. sure. A loud action movie while a guy's doing new weed and smoking really loud. While someone else's dad is asleep in the other room, I'm pretty sure that's how it went down, Rand.

Weed is my mom and Jeremy Renner is my dad and we're going to get through this. And the town is the womb and we're all being reborn. Meanwhile, an autistic man's like, birth actually happens when a, when semen impregnates an egg. I'm like, all right, man. Where do I sign? Remember 20 minutes ago when you said you wanted to make this into a franchise? Can we get back to that energy? Oh, shit.

I should be in these meetings, I think. You should be in there. You can be my assistant slash egg taster. And it's just you and you're shirtless and you just have like a clutch of like hard boiled eggs. And every now and then you make a note. And then every now and then you crack an egg open and eat it. I can just I can just I can time how long you talk about the town or you know yeah whatever the next movie is that's been made yellow cards and red cards to let me know I've

been talking about the town too much yeah make make sure that in the next meeting you don't also talk about the town yeah we didn't we didn't we didn't make that we made uh we made while you were sleeping so this doesn't really apply uh Well, hey, it was really nice to meet you guys. See you later. You're out of there. I just met with the guys who made the town, all right? What do you got to fucking offer, George Lucas?

I have no idea why I said while you were sleeping. I don't know. But, yeah, it's been a real, it's been a real fucking haunted house of dreams, maybe coming true this week. Ever since I missed that meeting last week when I blew it, like, dude, I've been so fucking a type about like double checking everything ugh yeah well the uh the constant different uh time zone discussions has to be part of the confusion how did i know nashville was in the central time zone you know how am i supposed to know that hmm check a map okay You subtracted.

You made those maps. That gets funky, too. It's so weird to me that Detroit is so far east. It's wild. When did that happen? Not when I was a kid. I don't know. That's not what I grew up thinking.

There was some, like, insane man from the internet who raises hell through racism. And he was like, I'm coming to Dearborn, and I'm calling for a crusade. And it's on Tuesday, and everyone should meet me at City Hall. And I'm going to go to the City Hall meeting, and we're going to have a crusade. So this is the talk at Emily's work on Tuesday. I don't know anything about it, of course. Jake Lang you're talking about. So he's coming to town and Suz, my mother-in-law, is like, well, I'm going to go.

I'm going to go because someone's got to be there, you know, to see what happens. To lay the smackdown. Right, yeah. She's going to put him in the Rocks version of the Texas Clover Leaf. Yeah, bad sharpshooter. No one's going to tap. Got to blow my nose. Hold on.

All right. But, yeah, Sous gets all geared up. He's talking about Jake Lang, who was at January 6th. I don't know how big of a deal he was then. But he- Remind me I just blew my nose on the ground, and I got to clean that up. Oh, my God. Yeah.

I know. That's a potential landmine. Oh, God. We have to remember. Oh, God. nothing has been more important for the future. People think I've changed? Are you crazy?

This blew my nose on the ground of the house I owned. I paid for these floors. The white rug. No, no, I never spilt on this rug. Emmy spilled coffee on this rug. Oh shit, she's going to hear this. It's a Patreon now. I'm kidding.

He's going now. Oh, yeah, he can't forget. Now he already told on himself. But yeah, Jake Lang, he got in trouble because I can't remember if it was just like instigating or what the charges were, but he's like waiting on a court date. So it's, and I think he's, uh, I think he has an ankle monitor before the court date. And so, but he's still like stirring up shit.

He's not from Michigan. I don't know where he lives. But yeah, he's a little shittster. If I can, oh, I just want America back. I just want to go back to a, I was born in 1990. And I want, I want to go back to when America was a real country or whatever. it's annoying yeah so hopefully sue's fucking backhanded him well no so emily's at work talking to all of the you know uh people she works with a lot of predominantly women of color and they're like yeah what's

up with deerborn and she's like i know my mom wants to go like can you believe that and they're like what and she's like yeah my mom wants to like go and like you know do something i guess and they're like what and she's like yeah yeah you know my mom says that like someone's got to do something and she's going to be there for sure and they're all like okay and then Emily gets home and I guess she had like called everyone that was in that conversation to be like hey by the way when I said my mom's going to go to the event and that she's going to be there 100 she wasn't like in favor of it she's going to like try and stop it and they were like oh okay because you said she was real fired up and that uh you know someone had to be there

make a stand and we got kind of nervous. So yeah, that was, that was Sue and my wife feeling with which side she was on. They had no idea. She's a white woman in Dearborn and she said that, all right, finally, someone's going to make a stand. Yeah, I'm sick of this shit. Yeah, yeah. We got to take Deerborn back.

They're like, oh, right. Well, no, what turned out is she wanted to go to the city council meeting and stand up there and be like, I love Deerborn the way it is. And my niece is brown, my granddaughter's brown and like, fuck you. But no, it made it sound like she was, you know, going to sign the guy's petition. Give him a hug. She was going to be there with like a bandolier of grenades being like, I got you, Jake. I'll cover your six.

White people. White people. White people are back. Yeah, Sous is in there with like a Hulk Hogan bandana, but she still comes out to the NWO music. We like play her music. She's like, wrong one. I wanted 80s Hogan. Not black bandana Hogan.

She also has like a fake goatee like spray painted around her mouth. Ma'am, have you been huffing paint? No, I'm Hulk Hogan. All right. A lot of crazies in here. Yeah, Jake Lang is certainly not, you know, not doing his mom, K.D. Lang any justice. You know, she was, she was a hell of a singer.

Seemed like she loved everybody. I don't think she's dead. She still. Kitty Lane confused a lot of young people. I think Lilithair's back. And it's like, aren't they all post-menopausal now? I mean, they can still rock. They can still rock.

But weren't they like free bleeding? And like, like, Lilith Fair was, I understood it to be a real celebration of everything feminine. Mm-hmm. Yeah. which meant like going down on each other in the mud I think yeah while jewel blade and hey I'm in

all right bleeding everywhere free bleeding and if you can't who will save your soul uh huss Hulk Ogand some ladies going down on her Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. I was there. Yeah. Seuss pitched an idea. She's like, we should all just like move into a compound in Southern California, man. And like, we can all just like live together and like have houses, you know, like have room in each other's houses. And I was like, all right.

Yeah. Putting a lot of pressure on this meeting I just had with Mattel, Suz. We go out to like Spawn Ranch, you know. Yeah, yeah. And just like free love. Yeah. She wants to Charlie Manley. in it.

He's like, well, hit up Jake Lang. See if he wants to be the mayor. Emily's family is ten toes down for the community, as am I. As is Lund. Becker, of course, won't forget, but that's his right as an American. God, it's really annoying to me. Yeah, we just have to get rid of all of the minorities, and then things would be better. That thinking, that's like a nine-year-old listening to his dumb.

That is like a Shabuzi concert, but, Shabuzi's white? Like, that's the culture you want is like some of the worst music ever. I don't get it. What have white people done? Hmm. Mm-hmm. Sure, some cool shit, but... Here's our next guest, Jake Lang, everybody. Jake, you seem to be stoked. What have you guys been up to? Well, we made cassidias less crispy. That was a good thing. Now you can chew them without teeth.

You don't have that pesky tortilla hurt in the roof of your mouth. You know how jalapinos used to be hot? Our scientists took care of that. Now you can eat a jalapeno. Don't need any milk. You don't have to dip it in cream. You can eat a jalapeno and then immediately itch your eyes without fear. Yeah, who cares?

A man's right. It's your eyes. Make your lunch. It's your eyes. That's in the Constitution. Let's see. How about most of Grand Funk Railroad was white? you know, got that going for us. Dyer Strait might have heard of them.

No one's been funkier than the angular guitars of Dyer Strait. Imagine Knopfler leading parliament. That's a show I'd see. And who's playing drums, Ted Nugent? You know who's not singing Katie Lang, aka My Mother. That would be a nice twist to this, to that whole, uh, saga. if KD weighed in. Jake, you got to come home. We need a, it's a white genocide. My son's correct.

Everyone's a dork. Yeah, I didn't hear how crazy it that God and Dearborn, hopefully. I didn't either. And guess who's there? My entire family. So I think I would have heard a thing or two. Right. Unless there's a media blackout.

Possible. Suzanne's just stomping. Bob's dead. Stomping Jake Lang. Uh-huh. He's wearing flip-flops. It's like a Paul Horndorff invader. She's tahering him.

Oh, man. What's this, can you say what your big meeting is after this? No, dude, if I told you the people I'm meeting with, like, it would make you scared. You'd be scared for me. Well, good thing you'll have 30 seconds between this and that. Right. Yeah. Becker, you thought you didn't sleep last night?

Yeah. Let me tell you about what they're doing with big jam over there at Mattel. He'll never go to bed. I have that Mattel meeting and he's like, the guy was really funny and he did stand up in 1991 and then like helped with Diamond Club in L.A. So he knew all those like San Francisco, L.A. comics. He's cool. He's really funny. He's swearing a bunch.

Like, I love the guy right away. And then he's like, all right, so here's what we're here to talk about. Here's what we're not here to talk about. Hot Wheels are American Girl. All right. So if you got any Hot Wheels ideas, why don't you hop in that tiny car and ride out the fucking window? Because I'm not taking any fucking pitches about Hot Wheels.

And I was like, all right, street sharks. And he's like, no, we're fucking talking. All right. He was nuts. You scratch out on a piece of paper cold wheels. You're like, fuck. Yeah. All right.

Let's go to number two. American boy dolls. Have you considered this? What about Canadian people dolls? Get rid of gender. That's the last constraint. Damn. Well, now I'm scared because it could be anybody.

You could be meeting Joel Schumacher for all I know. I mean, dude, let's just say someone who bet on the Matrix wants to bet on a new franchise. guys. And I don't fucking know, dude. It's really cool. Nothing's happened. And hey, will anything happen? I think so this time.

Because my ghouls are so eager to make a bunch of money and say, look what we found. Look what we have. He's ours. We made him for you. So, yeah. A lot of cool stuff. In six months, you get a call. Cold Wheels is greenlit.

So get to writing. We have to go to the South Pole. You know what I do in these meetings is I let them talk about what they currently have going on? And then I try and solve the problems in the thing they say. And then they write it down. And then I hit it my management. And I'm like, they wrote down three things. If any of that shit happens, I need to get paid.

And they're like, yes, yes. But like they don't know what they're doing. They get these desks. And like they're not necessarily creative people. And then they're waiting for me to come in and show them a brand new dance. And then they go. I invented that dance. That guy didn't know how to dance until he met me.

Well, yeah, hopefully between all of the safe, or I think that it's been proven that it's not as simple as existing IP. Some of the big hits of the last few years have been some random, like, weirdo who's been trying to get, you know, their script made. And then somebody takes a chance and it makes a bunch of money. And then everybody's like, see, we will go see some random thing if it's cool. And I think it's annoying that the obsession guy and Fuck, the weapons guy, I think both are making One of them is making Texas, Shane's saw. What, met the weapons guy?

I met with the weapons guy. Zach Crager? No, the guys who made, like the producers of these films. Oh, cool. The team that made weapons, the team that made Matrix, like that kind of stuff. I think both of those directors are now, or maybe the obsession guy and the, and the, backrooms guy are both making like existing like a Texas chainsaw massacre is one of them and then

there's like something else and it's a remake and it's like why don't don't they have some other weird idea that would also be this like original thing that could be a new franchise to explore so like I met with I met with weapons people I met with barbarian people and like their whole thing is like we don't want to do existing IP. And then at the end of the meeting, they're like, by the way, we just got nightmare on Elm Street if you have any ideas. And I'm like, all right. Well, like, it's cool that like, it's cool. It's like, like, Danny McBride got Halloween and like, G.I. Joe. It's like, cool. I'm stoked to see what you guys will do with this shit because you've done so much without anything that I've ever heard of. Yeah. So it's like, I feel like if you can create, like, if you're like, you know, you make foot fist way and then 25 years later you get to do G. G. Joe. Like, that's fine with me. me because you first made foot this way. But yeah, when it's just like, hey, okay, we have American girl dolls, all right? We have magic eight ball.

What if one of the American girl dolls gave birth to a magic eight ball in the world of skateboard gang? And I'm like, oh, I thought I had a good idea. Oh, and again, you have a meeting, right? And I pitch my idea about the water park prostitute lady. know. And the guy hears me give the pitch. And he's like, you know, uh, you know, women sold into bondage, that kind of thing. It's been done. It's been done so many times. What we need is a spy franchise like Jason Bourne. Do you have anything like that? And I'm like, dude, literally you just

told me you don't want something that's been done, even though my take on it is pretty much brand new. And then your second sentence is, can you give us a spy thriller like Jason Bourne? It's like, okay, why is that thing not been done to death? But my new idea about a woman surviving in her wits at a, anyway, it's just very frustrating the dissonance between one thing you're told and then them like clearly having their shark eyes set on the next 007. It's all cool. It's just also like, I don't know anything.

I'm new. Well, yeah, and they're trying to, they have to play it safe. Like, ideally, I would imagine there's both where you have these big movies that they expect people will like and go to because of the existing history, whatever. And proven that, you know, people want more or whatever. But also, you have an eye out for, like, young, young original filmmakers that have made something cool. You help them make it. I've never directed, but I would. Right.

I mean, it's. Yeah. I wouldn't. That speaks to how dumb they are when they're like, have you ever directed? No. Why would you even bring it up that maybe I would direct this $500 million film? 500 million. Me, some guy.

Hey, it's me, Sam, Talent, some jag. I'd like to write you a good movie and then let people who are experts in that field make the movie. All right. But what if you directed? Sure. Sure. Yeah, why not? You got it.

Whatever. Yes. Action cut from the top. Back to one. You've got this. A little soul trigger. What if we put the cat, what if we hung the camera over the bed? Wait, hold on.

I'm going to be the body double. I'm going in. Miss Queenie. Yeah, it's, it's just, it's all exciting shit. But, yeah, I'm, I'm going to have to tap out here in like four minutes and prepare for whatever lies I'm about to tell them. All good. We will.

I wish you guys are going to be in Richmond. I have no idea who's opening for me in Virginia. No Bammer. No Bammer, no Dayton. Chris Allen's out of town. I don't think Kevin Tit was available. Like, I don't know who I could be, I'm doing Richmond and Virginia Beach. And literally anyone could be opening the shows.

It could be a magician. It could be like a pirate guy. I have no idea who the Virginia Beach locals are. I'm sure they're all talented, lovely people, but there is a real threat that it could be some kind of Harmony Corrin character opening for me. What's, what about our, our Morgantown friend? I don't know where that is compared to Richmond or Virginia Beach. Probably like six hours away.

Yeah. Yeah. What's his name? Shit. Cody? Great guy. Cody. Yeah.

I don't know how much Cody is a comic and how much he's a producer. Right. I love Cody. Yeah. And also I didn't think of anyone in West Virginia for this gig, and I apologize because, you know, I wasn't making moonshine or trying to smuggle cigarettes across the Ohio border. Yeah, you're going to be a tobacco farmer. Yeah, yeah.

All of his, cool. All of his jokes. Bull Durham was opening for me. All of his job. jokes are about crows and how much he hates rabbits. Yeah. How the deer don't listen no more. These motherfuckers.

Oh, yeah, I'm going to see Kim and Evan and Eli next week. So that's exciting. Megan and I will drive out there. Maybe I could get an episode with Evan and talk about being a nudist. Because it was mostly his family that. What? I told Emmy that you were mad at me for bringing up the nudity thing. And then I think she texted you about the nudity thing.

Oh, yeah. And I want you to know that that was not a funny gag or me trying to get in your ass. I said, I let Lund down. And he's mad about me bringing up his sister's nudity. And she said, wait, his sister's a nudist. And then she laughed really hard and then texted you. So I'm sorry. Now she's involved.

No, no. It would be not some Machiavellian thing on my being half. That was not a big deal. It was just, I let you know that I was sick of you constantly joking about it. If I brought up Kim, you'd be like, oh, is she nude? What is she doing? Being nude, she's not at a clothing store because she doesn't wear them. And it's just like, yes, I understand that it's fun.

But yeah, I just didn't want it to be this every time we talk about her. You have to get your shit in. And then it was funny that Emily texted me, but it's more Evans thing. And I don't even know when he really got into it. We'll get into that. Probably he was done for a pod. He was like, yeah, I could get used to this. I was born nude.

No, but I know it was in his family. It was like great grandfather was like his grandfather was like the most prominent nudist in like discovered nudity. I thought he invented like being naked in public. He was. He was a big part of, I don't know if it was just Colorado or where he lived. Oh, I think it was in the Northwest. But. And it's just kind of going away in large part because it's like, you think of,

cotton. You think of old people. Yeah, fruit of the loom. Never been easier to not be nude. It's not what they want. But it's mostly older people that are doing it. So it doesn't feel or it didn't feel accessible to a lot of people, I think. and Evan's trying to

trying to combat that and make it so that it doesn't just go away. You get the unzipped the zipper in your mind. Yeah. Oh, shout out to Schwarma band, Kevin Schultz's band. They're big fans of the pod. Did you go to the show?

I went. Yeah, I went to the show. Velvet snakes were on. I was going to leave before Velvet Snakes. They played after Schwarma. And then all the Velvet Snakes were like, hey, man, can we get a picture? We're like huge fans.

And I was like, me too. I'm staying for your band for sure now. now. But Emmy went and she was so cute. She's like, I want to look like a rocker. So we like picked out an outfit for her. And then before we went in, I was like, hey, baby, you're the best. I know there's going to be rockers in here.

If anyone asks you about music, all you say is, if they say who's your favorite band, you say, no one's ever been heavier than crowbar. No one's going to ask any follow-ups because no one wants to talk to the crowbar guy, but everyone respects the crowbar guy. So you just say no one's been heavier than crowbar. and everyone's going to say, ride on and then leave you alone. And then she was like,

what if they ask follow-ups? You say, I also like Pig Destroyer. And then they're going to run away from you. They're going to flee. If your two favorites are Crowbar and Pig Destroyer, they're going to call the police and then get in their car. So don't worry, honey.

She had you black out like three of her teeth so that she looks like she's been in the bit. She was so cute. She brought earplugs and she put them in. And then after the. second song. She was like, I love this. The earplugs make it bearable. And I was like, yeah, all right. You're getting it, honey. Yeah, you can hear the music better. And you're not just fucking rocked for two days. I never did that. She's a rocker now. No, it's smart. I think my bride is a rocker. Did you clean up the thing? What thing? Yeah, yeah. The alleged, the alleged spit. The

joke spit. It was a huge joke. It wasn't a spit. I thought that I was going to just clear my nostril and a plug came out and then I joked about leaving it and then immediately went and cleaned it up. So if anyone out there's my wife, it was a big joke and no one's mad. All right. You got to get out of you. I love you. I got to go.

Love you. Have fun. Peace.