Chubby Behemoth - The Earth Provides

Episode Date: July 16, 2023

Head to https://www.tryfum.com & use promo code CHUBBY to save an additional 10% off on your order   Extra episodes at Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   Ridiculous Crimes. Babe The Pig Ruth. Damp-hne.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

okay is that where you're sleeping yeah are you in the office the club i'm next to the office at the top of the stairs it's good man there's a it's like a little futon cushion and a sheet and a blanket i got the window open it's so fucking uh perfect weather here it's like high of 60 degrees low of 53 man i love a futon on the ground sincerely just throw the dog mat on the ground and let me wallow i love that shit i feel like a big old hamster i don't think i've ever done that one it's one of the better ones when a mattress on the ground you wake up you're like good god should i just end it today this is disgusting who have I become my mom if she was alive would kill herself if she saw this but that futon on the ground doesn't feel bad well it's temporary if you have a if you have a futon on the ground for a year and a half I think maybe it would start to feel bad right

but a weekend it's like a little hard surface therapy i always enjoyed being connected to the earth when i'm asleep if you could just sleep on the ground bareback and it didn't wreck you i would be on the ground all the time my wife would leave but who cares i got the earth i've got the ground yeah that's grounds for a divorce i can just make a fucking cowboy pocket pussy and put a little mud underneath me and just lay in that i don't care the earth provides ground for sleeping mud for fucking that's right stars for gazing bark bark for stripping bark for peeling for entertainment yeah when you think about all these ancient people these indigenous folkways it's like it all made sense they just knew you could fuck the ground and wake up under the stars you didn't need

a house you could eat a fish if you found it maybe some berries you don't have to wipe i mean primitivism is so much better than the trappings of this. Less is more, which when I usually say that to a comic, I'm being cunty. You're being the worst. Yeah, that's the worst thing you say to someone. Oh no, you said that to me. Yeah, he has.

I said it to me. I said it to Becker? Yeah, I think you definitely... I don't think you were being cunty, though. I think we were talking about something else. No, you just didn't let it register you had your shields up but yeah whenever he says that to someone that's him saying i'm going to kill you the only time i ever thought sam was being cunty to me was the first time i met him he told me to never wear shorts on stage and then the second time i saw him he was wearing shorts on stage so i thought he was gaslighting me that was good advice i probably was i was probably puppeteering to a certain degree i think it was good advice

it was a do as i say in their place it was a do as i say not as i do and it was a new comic advice sam had gotten past that point and had had i think mostly obeyed that rule when you were newer right shorts on stage are brand new to me in the in like the eons of me doing stand-up i mean i remember when i first came on the scene we were all wearing three-piece suits because that's what you had to wear at you hefner's playboy club you know and then when I worked the Chitlin Circuit, I wore dungarees. I was more like a man of the people. And then, I think it was my first Rodney's

Young Comedian special. I had suspenders on and a bow tie. And that's a bad look. I remember Richard Belzer said, hey, get it together, bozo. And that hurt. That stung. When the Belzer calls you a bozo, get it together, bozo. And that hurt. That stung.

When the Belzer calls you a bozo, it's like, fuck, I got to recess this whole thing. But then Kinnison took me and Ralphie May on the road for the 1,200 pounds of fun tour. And me and Ralphie rode out on those little motorbikes. We were wearing all leather. that was a fun era and then uh of course there was like kind of like the you know fucking just kind of dumb it down wear like a dirty kind of like long flea coat that was when me and marin and pat and were running around the bay um i remember i was splitting an apartment with david cross and we were just eating cans of beans. It was just nonstop beans and brown rice.

And I remember a young Rita Rudner came over. God. And you know, we were all taking turns with her. She was everyone's girl. And she said that we should start wearing shorts. And me and Cross were like, we looked at each other and we were like,

Hey Rita, you're going to wear us right now and then we'd be Peter and that's where the shorts on stage came from when I peeled out of Rita Rudner I was like, yep I can't wear these pants because they're fucking stained with your pussy Rita so I had to go up so I had to cut off the

below the knee I wore cutoffs on stage that night you're so nasty you were having fun and then you had to say the P word sorry man I mean that was when we started working blue it was the same day we put on the shorts that was like when Dylan went electric and started calling people cunts

that's the first thing Dylan said into a microphone a lot of people don't know that he just took that mic in his hand and he went what's up you cunts welcome to providence or wherever the hell he was dylan going electric had nothing to do with he didn't he didn't ever not use microphones shut up that's why everyone liked him because they couldn't they couldn't hear him bullshit poetry lyrics yeah they were like these chords are pretty tight i can't hear a word this guy's saying but damn he really strums yeah the guitar and the harmonica did the talking for him and then he plugged in and was like let's get a microphone involved and yeah people hated it yeah he kept

calling everyone slags and sluts and loose holes like god this guy's fucked this is what he's been saying yeah that's what the new york times said after dylan went electric they're like this guy's totally fucked this guy says it and uh i don't know if the world is ready. Dylan had to have said it, right? Fucking can't. He said it all. Wasn't he one of those poetry warriors who said slurs because it was ahead of the time or something?

He wanted to use the parlance of the common people. Don't brush your teeth. What are you doing? I'm doing whatever I want. Brushing one tooth we're sharing the video so oh yeah no last night i had a pretty cool thing going guys all right uh i went and saw batman 89 and symphony cool guy friend of the pod cool guy 87 david bory was there with mel and uh mel had never seen the movie so that

was cool to like see an adult actually enjoy it whoa damn because you never know if you got your nostalgia nostalgia goggles on but bory lost his fucking mind he is in love with the joker now he like can't at intermission i went up to him was I was like, do you like it? How are you digging it? And he was like, dude, the Joker. Who cares about Batman? He's an artist. I never knew that it ruled. David Borey, who's supposed to be this cultural fucking flagpole, has never seen the first Batman. I don't know that I ever caught the line.

I'm a homicidal artist before. Yeah. Remember, isn't he like painting at some point like he paints the walls and throws paint all over like yeah and all of his murders he describes as his art and like breaks it down in a really weird way there i just didn't absorb that as a kid and i haven't seen the movie in probably like 15 years damn yeah maybe i missed that too when i was six because that movie's for babies but i'm glad you guys had a breakthrough it was pretty cool with a symphony there and we were all pretty fucking stoned so it ruled man feeling in your chest yeah that sounds really cool uh it

was at a boater boatshire theater in the performing arts complex right yeah it was bitchin yeah i saw mel's uh stories of it he was like there was a cube hanging over the symphony and on that cube there was four screens right yeah and i learned my lesson of looney tunes so me and mitch had seats that like just faced a screen at like eye level and we'd have to look down at the symphony so it ruled i thought i thought mitch was working as a human chair that's good i'm glad he was just able to enjoy it matt oran kept crying which was adorable oh no yeah like full-blown ugly crying because he was so happy to see that movie i think it was a big part of him like his first coming out yeah being like an adult coming out as a geek yeah that's an a-plus dorkish malarcus i remember oran oran sat his family down he's like mommy daddy i gotta let you know

your little baby boy's not gonna be working in the rock and roll factory much longer with cousin robert no i'm an a plus dwangus and i'll be at the comic book convention this weekend cousin robert's playing some folk festival in newport but i can't go i think he's going to plug in his guitar plug, plug in his guitar. He's Jewish. You guys don't know Matt Oren. And that's on you. That's on you, the listener. That's not our problem. I wonder, I would like to hear feedback from the listeners.

What's dorkier,aring up at a symphony playing the score to Batman 89 or tearing up at the National Anthem before a football game? These are both ridiculous times to tear up and cry

for sure. Which one is dumber and more ridiculous? Okay okay then let's add a third option to that too so we've got tearing up at the batman symphony uh tearing up before a football game when the national anthem comes or tearing up at 7-eleven when there's nothing on the rollers how about walking into a 7-eleven seeing, seeing the rollers barren, and dropping to your knees and saying, Take me, you coward! That's one.

Tearing up at the Chevelle song, Mexican Sun. Which one? Not even a B-side. A C-side. Dude, I've been thinking about it. I'm going to go to Chevelle. You're blowing off high planes to go to Chevelle. I want to see them. I'm not blowing off high planes.

I can almost guarantee that like the last several years, I will have the Fine Gentleman's Club show Friday night and Chubby Behemoth Saturday during the day. and outside of mutiny on south broadway sweating to the oldies uh music thumping white people dancing poorly minorities dancing well so you're describing the chevelle show no no no the exact same thing in an experience there all the dumbest white people in denver get together to do the fucking bobby crane bounce dance yeah i'll be surfing at the film more while uh a bunch of people are trying trying to get into mutiny by lying about being friends with bori or karen i can't think of her last name but we're good friends

and yeah been there i love you i love you you're just so committed to the bit of being cantankerous and antisocial it's it's a lot come on you don't what's it's less than being at chevelle surrounded by every minor key manager from douglas county those are my people though yeah i guess adult super spies self-identified spies are your people oh they have a chevelle has an album that has the word spies in it it's like b-sides and live tracks and it's something like 12 spies or something whoopsie i don't care i will have my fill of running into people that i like on broadway and catching up uh thursday friday maybe just friday i'll show up friday yeah you're not gonna come up

i don't have to i'm not booked terry barry i'm not booked. I'm not going to be there. Let's wait to buy tickets in case we have a cool show on Saturday. I haven't heard shit. I guess I'm maybe still considered local so they haven't contacted the Denver Comics yet. Have you talked to anybody about it?

Yeah, we're going to try and get you in. I think me and Beck are going to have you as a guest on Chubby Behemoth. Sneak me in under a trench coat. I will. Stop brushing your teeth. I'm not brushing. I'm just kind of picking. I don't use the bristles i use the sharp back and i just get back there and rub my gums um i think we're doing wb at the high dive this year nice what i

was told that'll be cool wait but they don't oh some of the podcasts are over there yeah the bigger ones and now that we're like a huge deal deal and everyone has to kiss our fucking cock, we get to do the high dive. I don't know if we don't get the high dive, I'm not doing the fucking festival. That's what they did. They sent me a handwritten apology to be a fucking carrier pigeon.

Yeah, now that you're a big podcaster, you're allowed to air because of the strike. Is that true? Yeah, dude. Anybody who's SAG after isn't allowed to podcast period what wwga no wga no sag after this thing goes on forever dude literally the only person left who's not sag after who's in like the top 10 is rogan oh my god that means we're going to the top 10 yeah that's that's part of no alliances i got nothing yeah behind the scenes that's part of why i'm like fuck i need to get on this and get the schedule right and get the podcast going on a dial it's like yeah that's part of my weird

stress about it is like yo this is prime time well i'm glad you're stressed uh before you got in here becker yelled at me i didn't yell uh you did you said hey you're the only one of these two fat fucks that will listen to me so i'm gonna let you have it man nasty man and then you and then and then you sent me a picture of below your waist your hand doing this and it said oh you won damn you got bullied at it i looked yeah no yeah we got to figure that out we will it's just i don't have a fixed address now so shit's a bit fucked i know right and when you guys signed on to work with a madman you knew that you were going to be spending some late nights in the laboratory all right i

know i understand that's why i wasn't like yelling at you i was just explaining like you you made me feel small and worthless and that's okay don't don't feel small you're the best no no it's okay i know where i stand i stand beneath you as you piss on me from a ladder and say it's raining. Yeah. No, Becker, you're legit, and I appreciate you venting righteously and directly. And we're good, man. I take that, and I just turn it into more fuel to climb, man.

It's just more rope for me to climb up. And yeah, we'll do that. Yeah, it's just planning's all my bitches. It's not like you're an asshole or mean or do anything wrong i'm doing it on purpose planning yeah and also i did a podcast uh that was supposed to come out as like a swap cast earlier this week in chicago and god damn it i mean i love you i love you guys but that was the worst thing i've ever done. All right. And I helped my dad kill my mom.

You each had one side of the pillow. Yeah. I sold my sister into sex shadow slavery for a while. And this was worse. All right. What was the topic? There was no topic. It was one of the funniest people i know and his two friends

and uh i mean i don't want to i don't melton you listen i'm sorry dude but i can't put out that dog shit podcast we did there was just it was two like relatively funny guys doing puns back and forth and then there was a third man just doing a constant, barely audible, mumbling stream of consciousness thing underneath. And dude, it was crazy. It was like I was in a fucking Cronenberg film. It was so confusing. And I kept like looking over, waiting for him to stop. And he would say stuff like, he's looking at me right now.

He wants to know why I won't quit talking. He keeps looking at me. Whoa. Yeah, and I had him like in my headphones so I could hear everything he said over the me. Whoa. Yeah, and I had him in my headphones so I could hear everything he said over the other two, you know, figuring out new ways to call me fat. So it was truly brutal.

So we can't put that out. But I did want to tell you this, Lund. I'm hoping that when we're together next time, we can take a picture together. I'd like to take a picture of you um but hopefully someone has three cameras that was a joke they used on me oh so see that's why we can't put it out it was brutal dude why would it went for an hour and a half oh i'm glad it was i'm glad it was long and awful it was i was like yeah dude i'll put this out

we'll help get some fucking ears on your pod i know you're really funny jason but uh shit it was it was worse than rogan i thought rogan was going no rogan was fine but as far as like me being confused as to what people were saying it was uh yeah on the same level um and then i had an electric car i mean my whole week has just been fucked but that's okay i can be the whipping post for everyone to lash out at tie their mules up to me so the mules can shit and piss on my leg wait so i'm all right with it man you told me when we when you rented a car to go from la to san diego the guy tried to car the guy tried to foist an electric car on you and you said uh-uh what happened this time you you gave up you rolled over and showed the guy your belly

you submit you submitted to the alpha rental car salesman it was actually an avis but yeah no i had uh i have avis preferred so i rented the car i got to chicago and i was gonna just take an uber to byron's but it was like 70 bucks it was like five o'clock i was like well fuck this i'll just rent a car because i'll probably be the same and then I can drive to Wisconsin the next night. So I get to the airport and I rent the car there in the lobby and I click mystery car because it was remarkably cheaper than the other options. So I mystery car selected and they say, you're Avis preferred. I was hoping it would be the mystery machine, Scooby and Shaggy. Yeah, the gang. Yeah, the lesbian one who has the big tits

And would probably let me in You know what was her name Velma Yeah Velcro I was always into her And I was always like Why is her name Dampney She's damp

She's damp but only below the knee you have to fuck the back of her knee is that what i'm hearing she's stuck in mud lubed up i mean i know it's not like a popular take but man what's underneath that sweater velma yeah a couple puppies. How many heartogram tattoos are on your tits, Velma, you secret freak? That'd be crazy if Velma was into Bam. Sorry.

And him. Yeah, him was big, dude. Some of the hottest chicks I knew were into him. All right, keep going. What was I talking about? Oh, yeah. Avis. Sorry, dude.

It's been frantic. This week's been fucked, man. We moved out of our house the first two days, and then we do the roast, and no one's feelings were hurt which disappointed me the next day i fly to chicago this is what i'm dealing with so um we i get the car and i go and i say your ape is preferred your keys are in the car go to the spot in the lot skip the desk so i get there it's this little egg mobile and i'm like oh it's probably a yaris or uh you know one of those little cars that gets like

50 miles per gallon which i love those little cars um and i get in i drive it off the lot and then i'm like a half an hour away and i finally get to byron's and i'm like wait why is it telling me the voltage that it's using wait what the fuck is this it was a chevy volt dude yeah i had a chevy volt pure electric and i was like damn i know i know what dylan felt like because i just sat behind the wheel and blurred vivid electric reads like cinema all right what i've heard in the back of my book i've heard that pitch a few times yeah yes you have yeah i've added cat william to the back of the book cat williams is on there now and his quote is just damn he's

that's his review of my book but so yeah dude i had this fucking electric car so i do my two shows at humble jungle shout out joe shout out nathan that room rules and then uh i go back to byron's we take it nice and ease i got the next morning and i go to melton's fucking pod and as i'm sitting there wondering if i could kill all three of them at once i was like how do how do i do how would i do this there was like 40 minutes in the pot i was like okay i could probably grab that off the wall and shove it through this mumbler guy's head then i could just bonk melton and max heads together until they were nothing but pulp and i could be out of here um yeah i mean i was i was homicidal i was the maniac you were the joker

i was dude and david would have cried if he saw me do my song wait till they get a load of me yeah matt oran would have been like he's great man he's great that's great i love what he's doing that's great i think i think orin cried because urus did the roast he cried at the roast crying yeah he said urus destroyed shout out urus they're in the tribe together you know no i don't think i don't think that it was a false allegiance i think because you was. You were there, right? Oh, no, you blew it off. Yeah, I didn't care.

I had to make money. Doing what? I had to get paid. I had to bartend. Oh, yeah. Good point. All right. You're off the hook.

Also, I sent in a video, and I heard that that crushed pretty hard, too. So you're welcome. Yeah, it did do good. I created it. But other than that, everyone did good. Nice. that that crushed pretty hard too so you're welcome yeah it did do good um hiker ate it but other than that everyone did good they had to make hiker another suit so he could wear it more double double suit yeah it looked like he was going on a fucking it looked like he was going snowshoeing because he was wearing so much of it. It was like he put on David Borey and Mike's entire wardrobe.

He was wearing all of it. He did open with a very good joke. He said, a lot of people call Sam Talent the Michael Jordan of Colorado comedy because his gambling got his mom killed. So that was good. Great joke. And then I had a microphone on stage and I said you can't follow that and he went uh what and then he couldn't follow it and he just i they brought out an extra box of it so he could put more of it on

fuck so yeah but anyway everyone did good at the roast alec clinton did good bory just said uh my favoriteorey joke was Mitch Jones. Who cares? Mitch told me about that one. That's why Mitch was crying at Batman. He was reliving the roast.

And also because they didn't have free popcorn refills. I brought my own I brought my own vessel. Just fill it up. It's a trash can. And also because I didn't have free popcorn refills. I brought my own vessel. Just fill it up. It's a trash can, sir. You said it's a 3YO box. I got my box.

Let me get some puppies in it. That's how he talks. It's insane. So, yeah. So I do that podcast and I hate it. And then then it goes long and i have an hour and a half to get from chicago to waukesha wisconsin and it takes two hours so that's good news so i hit up the guy and i'm like hey dude i'm gonna be late and then i see that the car is flashing charge battery now because i don't know like it just like lost like 50 miles worth of

charge i got enough charge to get there i thought but i'm just trying to find a fucking electric car charging station in the northern chicago suburbs and southern wisconsin i'm pulling into malls i plug in a mall it says charging complete in 13 hours i bail out of there i find a jewel osco there's some car uh at that one i can't use that charging stand i finally find a fucking land rover dealership in waukesha wisconsin and i pull in and i pull a total or and i act like i've been crying for clout and i i go in the door and i'm like hey i'm incredibly stupid i rented this car this morning it's an electric i don't know what to do and they're like we got you so i plugged in there

went and did the show got my car got back to chicago hung out with a couple of guys you guys might like sean patton and David Cross. Whoa. Nice. Yeah. Yeah. That was cool. David Cross filmed a special in Chicago at the Metro on Thursday and Patton was opening. So we got to go hang out with them.

And dude, you know who was there? The fucking ex-husband from Veep. Nice. Yeah. That guy was there Veep. Nice. Yeah. That guy was there? Yeah. Adrian Brody-esque dude.

Yeah, Adrian Brody Jr. Yeah, Hawkville knows. And then also the guy from Superbad who works at the convenience store. When they try to steal the beer and they break all the bottles, he says, fuck my life or whatever, that fat guy. Whoa. Yeah, he was there. And it was me was me sean patton and him hanging out and i was like it looks like we're all waiting for horatio sands to finally get canceled and he was like what

he loved it i was like all right chill yeah because i think he's lost a lot of roles to ratio sands throughout his career wait and horatio sands is finally canceled is that the dude from uh severance Horatio Sands throughout his career. And Horatio Sands is finally cancelled. Is that the dude from Severance? I don't know. He's a real dollop of Daisy. No, no, it's not Severance. He's a real rotting pumpkin of a man.

He's a real... That's his prime moment. Shit, that's cool. Did you talk to David Cross much? No. He was not interested in anything I had to offer. But I did tell him. Sean was like, this is Sam Talon. He's on the cutting edge of shorts on stage.

And I was like, yeah, man, I got it from you. And I loved Ron, Ronnie, Ron, dude. I loved Ron, Ronnie, Ron. That was so important to me and my friends. And he's like, thanks, man. But that was nice. But other than that that he pretty much just threw a handful of quarters and me and byron chased him byron was in there being like yes come now come come good evening mr cross yes he's a villainous yes yes

indeed well poor byron was just at home getting high in his undies letting his dog lick his penis and then i hit him up and i was like hey dude i guess patent's in town with david cross do you want to chill so he threw on his best sweater vest you know and came out to the bar and he was just like fucking cross-eyed like becker stoned just like and i was like yeah dude so i told i told patent that uh you opened for me tonight so it wouldn't be weird if you came and he was like what i was like yeah we were in walkha, Wisconsin. It was a bar show. You did great. He was like, I can't begin to take in this information. I was like, alright, just don't talk then. Hold on.

What? I thought that this laptop was charging and it's not, so I need to check it. Okay. Classic Lund maneuver. We're all trying to quit something. Maybe we want to quit. That was a cool little do-si-do.

Not even the first sentence of your first ad read. You beep it right away. Yeah, I'm probably going to leave that in. We're all trying to quit something. Maybe we want to quit hitting snooze on the alarm. Maybe it's quitting weekly shopping sprees. If you're trying to quit that maybe we want to quit hitting snooze on the alarm maybe it's quitting weekly shopping sprees if you're trying to quit that nasty listeners are going on a weekly shopping sprees these people can't buy salt and bullets with their crypto fast enough they're not going to fucking bed bath and beyond and getting a bunch of neck pillows what insane copy sorry go ahead weekly shopping sprees did

they give us the one for like guys we fucked this is this is girl coffee we've received how much uh but if you're trying to quit that nasty hand-to-mouth habit you're not alone fume can help it's an innovative device that takes what's a nasty hand to mouth habit eating your own loads is that what we're talking about also um suckers popsicles they're bad they'll rot your teeth oh yeah also pistachios you gotta take the shells off boys i've been doing my research yeah my teeth are dust and too many nuts will just fuck your stomach in general yeah you're telling me that's what they did to Rod Stewart. They had to pump his stomach. Too many nuts.

Too many nuts. Yeah. Well, tell me more about Fume, Becker. It's an innovative device that takes the bad out of bad habit. Instead of electronics, vapor, or harmful chemicals, Fume uses all natural flavored air.

It does. I've sucked on that bad boy until the cartridge went rank uh yeah you just it's like uh remember those old like metal pipes that your uncle would have that had like the the bowl you could unscrew yeah and then they got super hot after like two tokes but they were really good for hitting resin out of yeah or they'd have like the rubber baby nipple on it and it'd be way too hot on the first hit but it still worked really great yeah it's like if they repurposed all of those old uh pipes into a uh into a uh hand to mouth device yeah they're really cool that's all we're legally you'll have to call it as a hand to mouth device it is but it's got an adjustable airflow dial on the think that's all we're legally allowed to call it is a hand-to-mouth device. It is. But it's got an adjustable airflow dial on the bottom that's made with magnets,

and it's really great for fidgeting. Oh, yeah, it is. You're right. Yeah, and you can adjust the amount of air you're getting through to totally customize your experience. I like that. Now tell us, how do we get our hands on this fume device? You can get fume by... And also, they have these flavor packets that are fun, and they taste good.

And also, if you don't have any gum, it's a good way to freshen your breath a little bit. And that's just my take. There's nothing in the copy about that, but you can suck on that thing and it'll make you taste less nasty. Have you had the cranberry one? Yeah, I've had them all, dude. They're fun. The black pepper one was too spicy. I think I've ruined my throat with other hand-to-mouth habits. Yeah, I don't think that... That was not my favorite, but the rest were good. I think there was a molasses or a maple syrup. That was good. Yeah, that was really good. But Hunter loved the black pepper one when he was over here crashing. So I think

it's just that I'm Hunter's had. He's had everything in his mouth. So he knows if he likes him. He's a fan. Yeah. And fume has served over 100,000 customers and has thousands of success stories. There's no reason that can't be you head to fume.com and

use code chubby to save 10% off when you get the journey pack today. That's try f um.com and use code chubby to save 10 off when you get the journey pack today that's try fum.com and use code chubby to save an additional 10 off your order today now back to the show london you there buddy lond that worked good around it it'll be easy to find he's still playing with the wire okay he's in concentration mode um while we got dead yeah what were you gonna say no we can we can talk um have you looked into anything specific for uh japan that you want to do well that's

exactly what i was just going to ask you. Do you have... I just need to, like, order them soon if I'm going to do it. Do you think going to Universal would be fun? Bro, I mean, I love you. And if you're into that kind of thing, we could do it. But I don't want to go to a fucking American amusement park when we're in Japan. No, I could go either way for the same reason.

It's just free. when we're in Japan. No, I could go either way for the same reason. It's just free, and I thought half of that theme park is just old America scenes that Japanese people geek out for. So I thought that might be hysterical to point and laugh at. But we don't have to go at all. I don't know, man. I just feel like we're going to go to Elitch's in fucking Japan.

I kind of felt the same way. That's why I'm not pushing for it, but it's available. It's just a thing we could do. Do we go to Universal Studios Japan or do we go watch a man fighting octopus? Man fighting octopus. You know what I mean? Let's go watch a man fighting octopus every time. Yeah, I agree.

I didn't want to drop that. I didn't want to get there and you'd be like, I wanted to drive Mario Kart and laugh at Japanese guys pretending like they were greasers in 50s San Francisco. We can just do that in Harajuku. We can just go look at a bunch of Japanese pony boys. We'll be fine. Dude, the island's going to run out of chicken.

I'm going to eat so much karaage. Dude, it's going to be hell on earth tonight. There's going to be a noticeable downturn in fish mortality when we're there, dude. I bought bigger shorts to bring with me. Oh, my God. You brought preparatory pants? I bought three pairs of shorts that are a size bigger than what I currently need because I feel like I'm going to be bloated and scroted the whole time. I mean, dude, you're going to be a nightmare.

You're going to be so fucking full of food and also the whole weed. Are you going to try and smuggle? No, I'm not smuggling anything. What are you going to do? Just be drunk and full the whole time? Yeah, and they have like THCA gummies that I'm going gonna be able to get that should be enough that it'll just keep me normal and when we're traveling and like busy and having fun all day it's not the same i'll be tired enough to go to sleep and okay sleep i'll put you in the million dollar dream yeah i'm so i'm so

pissed right now what's wrong what? I'm going to explode. The computer hasn't been charging this whole time. It has the icon that it's plugged in, so I thought it was fine, and now it's like dying, and I just tried. There's like seven outlets near me, and none of them helped, so I'm pissed. Fuck, dude. I'm sorry.

Is it an outlet situation? It's a cord. It's the cord. It's dude. I'm sorry. Is it an outlet situation? It's the cord. It's not. So we're both cord boys today. So sorry in advance. But when we get home, I'm still planning on buying a computer and giving you this one, Nathan. That's great. But I'm borrowing this, so it's not mine.

It's just. Oh. Oh, yeah. Oh, I got you. Yeah. It's as if i'm using my old bullshit so i thought this was your computer yeah i thought you were having a lying wire situation like usual same shit different computer damn it's like you're in groundhog's day dude but you're it's just hogtog's Day. Because you're a hog. I was so happy with this setup. It was

pieced together quickly and came together without issue and then there's this. And we're supposed to do another 20 minutes. So I'm just going to cut my own dick off and bleed out.

You're staying in a humongous drug addict's flop house you thought the tech was gonna be good i mean it's legit this this guy mark mark sanders is uh much more put together than anybody else in humble i don't know if he's barely hanging on and he has a horrible secret, like the cartel is looking for him, but he seems to be a good-looking guy, clean-cut guy, nice guy. All it takes to be put together in Humboldt

is not having a lizard on your bicycle basket. That could be the senator from Humboldt County. It's just a guy who uh doesn't have uh any visible track marks he has he just shoots up like in his thigh that is true no i'm kidding you know what's crazy i tell you about the when i was doing improv and i uh befriended uh this guy who was an acolyte of del close and he ran the improv

theater down there at the Bovine. And one time during a scene, he grabbed me by the wrist and pushed up my long-sleeved flannel shirt and he looked over my forearms and my elbow divot and he was like, I knew a guy who used to wear long-sleeved shirts. He hit his track marks with them.

I don't want you going down that road, Sam. I know you're stoned in here all the time you come to improv class high as hell and that's all right because it helps you tap in but if you get on the fucking spike man i know your mom's phone number she pays for this class and i'll call her and i'll tell her her little baby boy's been turned out by the white dragon like in class with everyone else it was not damn he cared he did care but you could have just done it privately and also why would you think i was on heroin i was a mess well you were probably funny like you were that loose yeah i mean the only time i see new guys this loose is

when they're spiking yeah it's like sorry i'm you know funnier than this 58 year old man and uh this widower but uh yeah i think i think i'll be okay yeah you thought you were stealing valor yeah dude i mean i i've never had i've never spiked it me neither yeah i'd like to they both lied oh dude last night uh i had so this dude left before i could like get a picture get his story but this dude was uh i think he was like a tyree dillard like no uh he was stumped double stump, like, massive upper body. Like, big, long arms. And then, like, stumped. And I can't remember if he had, like, shoes on.

He was waiting to talk to me. And a couple other people were hogging. They were hogging the hog. And he bailed. So, hopefully, he comes back tonight. Because I want to know what's up. He was smushed. but from the waist down. Oh, my God.

You ran into the fucking bodybuilding half man of Arcata. He had a neck. God didn't smush him from above. Satan mushed him up from below. And he was. That's the rarest mush. A intriguing but i yeah there uh shout out to uh he was intriguing the young couple about him that made me think he was captivating uh but yeah i didn't get to talk to him there was a dude that listens to the pod I think his name was

Connor and his tiny fiance were great and we were talking she works at the zoo and I shit on the zoo I was like man that skywalk is super fun the zoo is garbage and then afterwards she was like I work at the zoo

and I was like oh okay well don't let an owl take you away because then you won't work at the zoo and i was like oh okay well don't let an owl take you away because then you won't work at the zoo anymore they got to be careful with her there's uh several animals that they have that could tear her to pieces so she's got to look out she's very small i like the idea of you making fun of her and she's like why don't you come to the zoo tomorrow free and she like leads you in and she's like oh and this over here is where we keep the uh the wild boars and you're like oh cool and she's like yeah come closer and you're like i don't know that she like holds up a carrot and you're like okay then you follow her into the boar cage and then she leaves the cage and then you're just in the zoo and And you live there, and you're an exhibit now.

Yeah, they knock me out, remove my vocal cords so I can't scream. I can only grunt. Yeah, like Byron when he meets David Cross. Yeah, I gotta get over there. think i might uh walk over there also oh dude the other thing god becker talked too much so i wasn't able to get my shit in get your shit out becker's good becker's lucid and i hate it uh after after the show Nathan Davis Floyd otherwise known as

three names was hanging out I asked him if we could get some food and he said sure and we drove through Jack in the Box and he was maybe stoned he like maybe had a couple years I'm saying names

he wasn't wasted but he had painted open eye bulbs he would think that he was with you he he ordered before me and i was in awe because he got the snoop he got the snoop munchie box which is the late night thing you know it's like a a chicken sandwich i don't know well no the munchie boxes are late night only and they come with a bunch of food the snoop one is new and it has like this long chicken sandwich like open you know like a hot dog bun like big hot dog bun with like popcorn chicken and cheese in it and then a taco and yeah it's like a po' boy bun a bunch of uh

fries or curly fries maybe both and a brownie and then he also ordered a chicken biscuit sandwich and something else. It was wild. It was like more than I ordered. And I was surprised. Also, spoiler alert, he didn't eat the brownie or the chicken biscuit. I did. So I ended up winning the war. Did he say, I don't want this?

Or did you just eat it while he was driving? I got it. Yeah. I snaked it and I slurped it. No, he tapped out. And he was like, you can eat this tomorrow. And I said, I'm going to eat the brownie right now and the sandwich in like an hour. And sure enough, I didn't eat the brownie right then.

But I ate both of those things before I went to bed. Self-filling prophecy you called your shot you're like babe rude you're like babe the pig rude i got uh the the a standard uh late munching box uh you have a few options i got a double jack double cheeseburger two tacos uh half curly fries half regular fries and added a cluck chicken sandwich so it was a lot of food and i was surprised how quickly it disappeared but it did uh i had had breakfast earlier in the day and then that and yeah lived to not regret it you call that living

that's fucked man also I'm here at the club alone and the bathroom has the like fucking fighter jet engine attached to the toilet so i knew i wasn't gonna have yeah no plungers necessary so there's no toilet up there that's like the best part of the club is that toilet it's just funny to think of all the fucking giant bearded mutant men who uh eat like you do just punishing that toilet to the point where

like durant was like well we could pay people for the festival or we could finally fix our toilet bro or we could get the greatest toilet of all time yeah uh it was a good show last night decent crowd uh not a ton of people but they were fun also. Also, there was a snake guy, a guy who also inherited a ball python, but from his son as opposed to his brother and sister-in-law. What, his son died? No, I was scared that he had. Oh, and I said, did the snake eat him? Why are you keeping the snake? But yeah, no, I think he went to college or something and so this guy

like begrudgingly took in a snake and so we bonded a little bit over that he bought me a a beer after the show oh nice you broke edge with your snake friend no it was an alcoholic beer these are my people might as well be myself for once. Yeah, you get drunk. I drink. Eat a bunch of Jack in the Box. Didn't you do Blow up there once? I have done Blow 12 feet from where I'm sitting right now.

But it was like a bump. It wasn't like two big old fucking heavy breathers. It was just a taste. Just to fit in. Just to prove I wasn't a cop. Now, Lund, here's a question sincerely. If we're hanging out in Japan and we happen to cross paths with some businessmen, some upper tier bureaucrats,, you know, some upper-tier bureaucrats, if you

will. What America refers to as organized crime and they just call part of society there. If a scary man with a bunch of tattoos offers you a drink, are you going to turn it down? Because,

but no, that's like the ultimate form of disrespect. Yeah, you need to do the shoulder move of disrespect yeah you need to shoulder move yeah you have to over the shoulder at one i don't have to do shit one's gonna go up against the yakuza while we're in japan yeah because he doesn't want to have a drink what's what's more important your sobriety or your head being connected to your shoulders i mean i sincerely doubt that we'll run into someone who will demand that i drink a drink if it's somebody that is actually if it's somebody that's actually scary maybe i'll have some and then uh figure it out later and it's not like it's i don't know gun to my head i will stand strong with my

sobriety but i don't think that's going to happen i think we'll be fine dude we're we're running in some wild circles while we're there we better not we're gonna go to a human horse race like i told becker man fighting an octopus we're gonna attend that you're just lying no dude we're going to a genki genki show we're doing it we're doing it big we are we're going to get some real fucked up nasty stuff and if a yakuza wants you to take a shot of soju you have to yeah because i'm not fighting my way out like kill bill that'd be crazy if we were in a kill bill situation whoa yeah that would be crazy. If we were in a Kill Bill situation. Whoa. Yeah, that would be crazy. We kill 200 people.

Yeah. Yeah. Michael Madsen's there. You just see Melton and the two co-hosts in every face and just go red. Yeah, the Kill bill music starts playing i just hear that man mumbling in my ear yeah kill them kill them all sam start with me everywhere you look is me right the wrong you'll never get that 90 minutes back i won't dude and also i had to charge the car but anyway yeah i just uh i just need you to uh promise

me and becker that you'll protect us by having a drink if you have to yeah i guess if uh everybody that offers me a drink is potentially yakuza i could have a pretty good time without feeling bad now you're getting it dude now you're understanding what i'm saying well you know you know what's more disrespectful than turning down a drink is drinking those drinks and then taking my shirt off running around screaming about how i'm the king of japan i'm the emperor the shogun is here you're just running through paper walls yeah i'm just yeah i'm breaking chairs i'm pushing faces it could be a full kool-aid man it could be yeah it could be a lot more disrespectful than a polite uh no thank you i don't drink so we'll see oh we'll see

i cannot wait because i think that there's gonna be some of these gentlemen crossing paths with you yeah because last time you were over there you were turned you became a contract killer yeah human bunk bed tummy table that sort of thing you owe a huge debt to to uh the second and third in command i made a hundred 100,000 yen on the Tokyo big boy circuit. Stop running the bit. I love the bit. You guys know I'm going to say that maybe every 10 minutes while we're there. It's totally fine. Thank you, Becker. See, Becker's

with it. I'm going to have fun. Yeah, we're all going to have fun, man. Did Del Close do heroin? He was a heroin guy, wasn't he loved yeah horrifically i forgot yeah he could have been something if he wasn't so addicted to the to the becker-backed juice yeah oh did he die pretty young no he got old he made it old how did that happen? Heroin's not bad for you. Yeah, as long as you can afford it and you're not destroying the rest of the structure of your life to buy it,

it's really not that bad. Yeah, most heroin addicts just die from infected wounds, gangrene. And malnutrition. Yeah. That's why people like Keith Richards and Live Forever is like buying heroin was never a problem for him.

That money was easy. Or like Hoffman. Hoffman overdosed. You can always overdose, but as long as you don't overdo it, you can live forever. I like it it it makes me think of um what's that character martin short used to do an angler fish oh clifford ed grimly

grimly oh yeah yeah you got a little grimly going on i'm grimble like crusty and ed grimly and here i am just a good looking guy in the prime of his life. We found out who you look like. You tattled on yourself. Hey, Becker. I look like this. Lund looks like Andy Main. No, she looks like me.

She wishes. Actually, Becker and she have similar hair. Yeah. And you have have similar body in general we did now she's she's getting healthy and i'm leaning into being big yeah you're going full jack in the box they're gonna have to put you back in the box get it we're gonna need a bigger box we're gonna need a bigger box for l're going to need a bigger box for Len's body. Well, it makes you feel any better.

Me and Becker did the ad read while you were blowing it. So that's good. Yeah, thanks. And thanks, Fume, for being such a great product. Has anyone said anything about me while you're up there? What's Sam up to? How's Sam? No, nobody cares.

They're like, who was that one guy that used to come through and break everybody's beds and say that he likes sleeping on the ground even though even though he started off in a hammock or a canopy bed that was that was uh sturdy but not sturdy enough no everybody loves you here evan vest was on the show last night. Josh Barnes. Jessica Grant will be coming through tonight. Mark hosted and I think is hosting again. He's a nice guy. He's newer on the scene. I think he's only been here for a couple years or something. What about Baseball Robbie?

Is he there? No Baseball Robbie. He's a baseball. Oh, listen to this dude last night uh detroit house of comedy shout out to all the fucking chubby heads that came out last night that was a fun show despite it being in a brea-esque cavern good god the stage at the fucking detroit house of comedy no joke 80 feet wide like when you're standing in the middle you can barely see the people seated at the opposite ends it's like what why is this so big it was truly perplexing but this guy came up shout out this guy steve burrows who uh hooked up uh detroit tigers tickets

next week we're gonna go on the field me and emily and her family because of the man ste Steve Burrows. Yeah. What a sweet thing to do, right? He's talking to me for like 10 minutes and he's just like, you know, I love you. I love the pod. I listen to you guys every fucking week, man. It's like the highlight of my week. And this is after he just saw me do a standup show and bought a ticket, you know, and has been talking to me on instagram and he says yeah i just i was wondering i was like hopefully sam's gonna be here you know i was like is he gonna bring sam but uh you know it's okay it's all right that uh sam's not here but that would have been cool if you brought sam the first the first two times he said it i was like okay well he's just like misspeaking waste but then he kept no i don't he wasn't, I was like, okay, well, he's just misspeaking. Wasted. But then he kept...

No, he wasn't wasted. He was with his very polite wife. He literally had a liquid death in hand, a can. So I was like, yeah, I would have loved to have bring him, but he wasn't available this weekend. So shout out, Steve. It was actually Sam the whole time all right buddy and when you sent that dm to sam talent on instagram that was also sam and uh when sam

dot talent at gmail.com sent you his email so you could forward him the tickets guess what also sam so last night when you saw sam talent at the detroit house of comedy uh and then bought a copy of running the life by sam talent you were in fact talking to sam lund doesn't sell my merch it's not just it's not just a two camera system where it's me talking to myself like phil hendry no there's you you were talking to sam steve shit man that's pretty fun it's nuts it was completely insane oh dude and then last night i know we're we're probably at time but last night um we went after the show me emily hannah uh her friend chelsea starin and a couple of hannah's friends went to

this like bar where you can play board games and shit and like create a bunch of edibles well like we know they have like outdoor like giant beer pong and they have you know uh uh what's that thing the sandbag toss cornhole but anyway the edibles kick in after we're there for two hours and uh i'm sitting between hannah and her friend tanya and her friend tanya says to me man this is like one of the best straws i've ever used and i was like what the fuck are you talking about tanya and she holds it up and it's just a normal straw and i was like all right tanya sure and then i turned to hannah and she's like do you have a good memory i was like uh yeah i think so and she's like, do you have a good memory? I was like, yeah, I think so.

And she's like, you know when you watch the end of movies and the credits roll? I always thought it would be cool if you could memorize every name in the credits. And I was like, Jesus Christ, Tana. I literally looked at her and I was like, Jesus Christ, Tana. What are you talking about? She starts laughing so hard. And then Tanya starts laughing. So I'm just in between these two women screaming.

And I was like... I biffed it. I think he hit the lock button. Hopefully he'll be back in a second. He fucking biffed it. Out of nowhere. I for sure had gold in the dickhead Olympics.

I had a comfortable lead i was cruising yep and then he pulled right out ahead and then some region hit the lock button what the fuck there he is hey stupid anyway they were very high that's the point of that whole story your gold medal your gold medal is in the mail i thought it was mine but i begrudgingly have to give it over to you, the man. Oh, shit. The king of swing. It's truly an honor to stand on this podium as the best all-time at the Dickhead Olympics. So anyway, did you guys fill time?

Yeah. Did we edit that out? What do we do? We cut a little bit of it out, but it was mostly good. Nathan re-hit the fume. Nice. All right, guys. Well it out, but it was mostly good. Nathan re-hit the fume. Nice. All right, guys. Well, hey, join our Patreon, please.

Chubby Behemoth is on Patreon. Patreon.com slash Chubby Behemoth gets you fun videos and episodes every week. And all the money we are diverting right into our new productions as far as the videos are concerned. You can also see me and Lund and Becker in Japan. The Tokyo listeners, keep hitting us up. Send those recs our way. And then Australia. I'm in Australia for all of fucking August.

So come to Australia. Those tickets are on samtalent.com and then I come home. You got Boston. We got Austin. We're all over, man. Lund, where are you going to be main thing is August 10th Soups On will be live

on YouTube just got the I think the finished album art thanks to Jordan Dahl I'm stoked I'll share that with you guys but yeah there should be a preview link, a premiere link that I will share as soon

as I get it so that once that is live, you guys will be ready to blast. I'm very excited, very happy with how everything has come along. Soup is about to be on. Hell yeah. I'm excited for that.

Becker, anything? Nope. I'm going to eat a lot of chicken in Japan. Yes, you are. Yes, you are. We're all going to eat a lot of chicken in Japan. Thank you for listening. Goodbye.