Chubby Behemoth - The Garden Dosa

Episode Date: June 26, 2026

SEE THE BOYS LIVE - https://www.samtallent.com/     Sponsors: HIMS - Support the show & get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care with HIMS @ http://hims.com/CHUBBY     Ultra Pouches - Don't sleep on @ultrapouches. New customers get 15% off with code CHUBBY at http://takeultra.com #UltraPouches #ad     Cash App - Download Cash App today: https://capl.onelink.me/vFut/g0yurtz9 #CashAppPod. Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App's bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. See terms and conditions at https://cash.app/legal/en-us/card-agreement. Direct Deposit, Overdraft Coverage and Discounts provided by Cash App, a Block, Inc. brand. Visit http:///cash.app/legal/podcast for fulldisclosures.     PATREON EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth     This week the boys get one remote before the big weekend. Sam had to sing all the songs and play all the instruments, met a lustful older woman, and tries out a couple of new characters. Nathan has to get back to dancing after this, pictures living in the tiny house, and thought it was a French word.     00:00 Based On Your T Shirt 01:00 Cactus Touching 03:37 The Only Dog In Town Now 05:11 The Brown Cloud 06:45 Lund Hates Characters 08:00 Feel Free To Ask Questions 09:25 It Was Weed 10:54 Spin Some Tunes 14:06 Flopping All Over The Place 16:02 Even Longer Downtown 18:50 Hat Clocking Me 21:16 White Castle By One 24:09 Coming Of Age Tale 27:53 John Popper Style 29:51 LSD In Mexico 32:10 Pleasures All We Have 34:14 Full Of Spiders 36:41 Win Win 39:28 For The Party 41:21 0 For 3 46:12 I Was The Shadow 50:34 No More Room In Detroit 52:58 All Be Dead Come Monday 55:26 Those Are Your Big J-Lo Joints     Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   MORE WIDE WORLD: @SamTallent   Pre-Order Sam's New Book - https://www.amazon.com/dp/0593978897/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3I4LOBQ02YIGW&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.k5eCApJdjwVfn7hSelWi5VdRMlVrzKa4zf68ficcjcg.tZZOiI0nB0n3kkWiGAbidMQy5yUS_MkvmEIaXp-LXjo&dib_tag=se&keywords=sam+tallent+brut&qid=1769522903&sprefix=sam+tallent+,aps,181&sr=8-1&dplnkId=90401c83-a6a0-4ad4-999e-ece570a5d320&nodl=1

You probably thought it was like some hate acronym. No, no. I thought it was like. It's on your t-shirt and your backdrop. You're looking for hate acronyms. Oh, God, I'm breaking out. It's been so hot. Not today, though.

It's raining. Really? It's lovely. Oh, it's so nice. How hot has it been there recently? 91. Yesterday was 92, 88. Yeah, hot and sunny.

I had to put a hoodie on to sit in the back. backyard. Yeah. Fuck. I can't wait. Mm-hmm. Oh, I can't wait. We can't wait for you guys to get here away from, you know,

Becker, you fell into a cactus patch. I didn't. It's stubborn than that. I said on a, I said on a, on a, uh, fuck. Uh, a collection of, of needles, you know, you know, a pin cushion. Pin cushion, yeah. And I'm the wrong way.

I'll tell you that. He thought it was a normal tomato. He thought it was a normal tomato. Yeah, so Becker, tell us about your struggles with succulents. All day has been a bitch. But the succulent struggle was, is it finally cooled off outside. You were cactus touching to celebrate? No, I was desperate to like open any fucking window.

And one of the windows that's painted shut was my kitchen window. So I scraped it open with a screwdriver and then went to open it. And it knocked my cactus over and like a complete dip shit. I just like spazzed and caught it and saved the cactus. But, ooh, man, my hands are itchy and on fire. You have a cactus. You're giving your own window, a Trinidad scrape job. Six years in, time to open this window for the first time.

Yeah, it's been painted shut. And it's fine. This is like maybe the worst, the heat's been consistently in my house. Yeah. Man, I'm sorry. So, yeah, the window bumped it and it tumbled forward. and I were like get over here yeah I got you got right right on it caught it hot potato immediately my first thought was like you fucking moron cactus before I felt the pain I was mad at

myself for saving it okay so you got a little pure moment of disappointment in self before the actual pain arrived oh yeah good and and I was pissed all day so that was a fun way to end it And Nathan, what is life like? It's been cool and breezy. My new home insurance company did not send the paperwork to my mortgage company correctly. So that was in your house? No, it was just a fucking nightmare. It was like two and a half hours.

My mortgage! No. You should have screamed that into the phone. I was trying not to say anything really mean. And then Venmo fucked up. my transfer. So that was like another hour and a half on the phone. So I'd like four hours on the phone this

morning before I did anything of just dealing with fuck-ups. You're always calling people when we hang out. Usually your mom or dad. Yeah. Today you got some new characters in your roll of decks. A bunch of morons. Is your house still? Yeah.

It's fine. They were like, it was after a very long conversation on the phone, it was like, oh, we have the wrong box number in here. Like, yeah, that it would probably be what's fucking me completely right now. Thank you. I'm glad we got to there.

Mixed up his business and his pleasure, POs. What the fuck? What the hell? Oh, mama, mama shot Beanie. Mama's the only dog in town now. Oh, no.

That sounded like a gunshot, It was nuts. What if you just hear him go, Creech! There's a note written behind. It's like, Nathan, I used to love you. And then you started dressing like you're hanging out in the Matrix. I can't be with you anymore.

It's not the blue pill or the red pill. What happened? Is Creech alive? Yeah, God, that was so loud. It was just the wind. We had the back door and the front door open, and that fucks with the, the, the kitchen door in the middle.

It's so it got a tube tornado. Slam shut. Yeah, it looks weird out there again. We had hail yesterday and today. I think because of the El Nino that is mostly causing warmer weather, it can also cause weird weather. So I think that's what's going on here. There was all kinds of crazy shit that could have gone down in Boulder and Denver last night, like tornadoes east of,

down and, oh, potentially baseball-sized hail in the metro area and then softball-sized hail just east of Denver. So I don't know. My sister sent a picture to the group chat yesterday. She was in City Park and it said it was just a photo of Denver from the park like downtown. And she said, what a beautiful city was the caption. I texted the photo to Emily and said, I can't tell if she's kidding or not. Because you could see the brown cloud visibly.

Like you could see the little bit of blue sky on the horizon and then just getting dark and poisonous above it. It's like that is that a nice looking city? I can't tell if she's kidding. The Purina plant exploded. Well, sounded like Beanie exploded. Yeah, that sounded like you had Beanie in the microwave and it popped. Right. Yeah.

It scared me, scared her. But everybody's okay. Thank God. I like dark industrial music video Lund. Yeah, we're shooting. Bouncer at a sex club. We're shooting.

We're trying to break the Guinness World Record for consecutive online rave. So I'm going to get back to dancing after this. I might get in trouble. This might break the fucking streak. Well, you get, you get one. hour for mental health. Yeah, then back to my physical health.

Shaking it. I wish it wasn't so hot there. I guess you guys get to escape and come out to me. Yeah. Yeah. And it's cooling off tonight, so I'll be able to go to bed before like 4 a.m. Good. I have a new character that I wanted to try.

Let's hear it. It's not very well thought out. No way. All right. Easy. this is all it is it's my name's detector i'm sorry i blew it my my name's detective aaron lardner and i'm a very private person and um i think that's it ooh munt hates characters this i think the storm got him there was a couple of lund hates when i do characters he bailed there's

there oh he's back he's back you hated the character that much huh land was that just On my end? Yeah, I think it's just the storm. The storms are brewing. Yeah, we thought that you got taken. I got knocked off completely offline. Thank God it's happening now and not when I did Doug Love's movies. That perennial stalwart, that flagship.

Yeah, I'm excited for the bump, the Benson bump. In the end, there will be cockroaches and Doug loves movies. That's all that will survive, nuclear winner. Parto will survive. No, Parto will be dead. He'll be long dead. I missed the character. Is it too late?

No, I'll do it again for you. Ready? Okay. And again... It was right when you were about to do it. Well, I thought you hung up because you hate characters. All right, here it is. My name is Detective Aaron Lardner, and I'm a very private person.

That's the whole thing. I mean, feel free to ask questions. Maybe I'll riff a little bit. Ask questions. Where were you a detective? That's none of your business. How long have you been a detective? You don't even know me.

Why would you ask me that? What got you into detective work? I'm a very private person, sir. What's your middle name? Wayne. Fuck. I didn't want anyone to know that. Wait, ask again.

Surprise we got your last name. Ask it again. What is your middle name? Dwayne. Where'd you get that hat? That's enough questions. It's not an easy character to do. You guys got any new characters?

No. Come on. I haven't come up with anything good, but my plan is in motion for the weekend. and I'm excited about that. Tell us about it. Whoa. No, it's got to be a surprise. What did you just sniff off the ground?

It was weed. I thought I had weed on my, I moved a pipe, and then I thought I had weed on my thumb and fingers. But this is the third hour of radio I've done today. So, why don't you guys drive a little bit? What else did you do? We're both double dipping. I did WDET.

I did the Detroit NPR station. I did an hour. on a, you know, what's the D with the moanin? It was like one of them. What's it called? It was like morning zoo. City trends. Now that's where my sister gets her wigs.

What was it called? I don't know, but the lady's lovely. Her name's Tia. We wrapped. We talked about it. And then I went back and did this guy's radio show at two where he plays rock and roll music, but he was brutally hung over. And dude, when I get in there, I kind of know the guy.

He's cool. You got to carry his show. Yeah, literally. I had to do all the work for an hour. I picked all the music. It's killing. You're running around with eight tracks, giant stacks of eight tracks. Fuck, fuck.

Yeah, seven inches. This isn't the clean version. Dang it. Darn, rats. We, he, I get in there and he's like, oh, what's up, man? How you doing? Glad to have you back on the show. So, you know, we'll spend some tunes.

We'll just cut it up for about an hour. I'm pretty young over. I got into the gin and tannics last night. So, you know, I was half in the bag, and I don't know which half. Anyway, let's get into the show. Hello, this is Rockin' Enrolling. This is WDET's favorite place for rock and roll music. My name is Hooper, and I'm joined today by Illuminary, Sam Talent.

Here's a guitar wolf, summertime blues. Oh man, I'm fucking bad news. I am wet and I was hung up dry, so I don't know what happened. Yeah, he just had classic NPR radio voice and otherwise he sounded like his name was Ham Tramick. Was that an hour as well? Oh, yeah. But with music? Yeah, there was music in there.

But I had to sing all the songs and play all the instruments. I had to do all the ad reads. Was it? Was it live or were you taping it? It was live. Oh. NPR too? Yeah.

I only work live. I don't let anyone record. I'm a very private person. Yeah, no, I've just been getting ready for the big weekend. I haven't worked on any characters, but, oh yeah, Renee's not coming, so that sucks. Probably because the Sharpen Tears got that dog.

No, he does. She's cool. She's cool, but now we get Sharpie, unregulated, just full-throttle Sharpie. Old Sharpie? Maybe we can recreate that photo from High Plains where he's absolutely geeked to the gills. Oh, I don't want to see that. I don't want to see that again. I want to see that while the sounds too much.

Hey, everybody. Pre-order Brute right now. Go pre-order my book, please. Great, great review from publishers weekly. A starred review. Huge deal. Big success. Feels good. Pre-order Brute. Come see me in Syracuse, Tulsa, Oklahoma City, Nashville, Huntsville, Naples, Florida. I'm doing Miami, too. I'm doing a secret show in Miami. I'll tell you about it. Tampa, Florida, Virginia, Richmond. Brookfield, Virginia Beach. Winnipeg, Cleveland, Indianapolis, St. Louis, Kansas City all over. Samtel.com. Join the Patreon, you know, get some of that ranch dressing in your salad. It's a good time. We like to Patreon.com slash chubby behemoth. Gets you in there. We started it right when we started the pod in 2020.

So there's a ton of great episodes waiting for you. Come see me in Denver, July 3rd at the Comedy Works downtown. That show is at 7.30 p.m. Also, I'll be, Becker and I will both be with Sam and Tulsa and Oklahoma City. Oh. And probably other places as well. I'd hope so. Definitely, definitely Oklahoma, bringing the thunder. Flopping. We're going to be flopping all over the place. I'm going to flop all over the stage.

That's what they like down there in Oklahoma City is flopping. If you haven't been flopping as much recently, You know, like, have you been, have you been soft this summer? Oh, yeah. Like a beach towel. Hey,

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Okay. Oh, yeah. You're getting long up there. Yeah, I know. Even longer downtown. Unleashed. My head's Byron. My balls are Allen.

Husband unleashed. Is Byron Graham coming to this party? I don't know. I haven't looked at the RSVP list in a while. Jesus, did we invite Byron Graham? I thought I did. Face to face. he's the forgotten one hey syri text byron graham it's too late hey bion i invited you to my party this

weekend right question mark what's your wet ass doing you're gonna you're gonna give him a panic attack no i feel like you did invite him when we were all together i didn't he went um yes oh i'll set the date yes i'm not doing byron graham i don't remember people don't like byron graham on the podcast that people are like, who's Byron Graham? Guess what? Read your history. Figure it out. Yeah.

No, I saw that. And I thought that was annoying because it's not like we just started talking about him one day and created him and then mentioned him three years later. We've said many times he was our friend. And the last time when the name of the episode is we were Byron Graham, he was in there. And so I'm sure we said that we were with him. I don't know. Yeah, it's all the lore. It's been around the pod forever. We just don't say our good friend, Byron, who was a comedian in Denver for a long time, but now lives in Chicago. Now, he's a rake.

They want it spoon fed. They want it chewed up and then put onto a spoon. They want a Wikipedia printed out and mail to their house with all of his key stat. Byron Graham, you know, he's kind of a professional Tomcat, gadabout type. A flesh seeker, a pleasure monger. He operates in the shadows. Yeah, for real. Yeah. Definitely has, yeah, explored the worlds of pleasure and pain.

He quit comedy, you know, to get sucked, I think. So. He went back to school. We made fun of him for being the older guy on campus. Yeah, yeah. Trying to fool students into thinking he was a professor because he's got a lot of vests and cardigans and whatnot. He's learning to longboard at 43 just to fit in.

He like plays hacky sack shoeless. He's like, hmm, the quad is humming today, Bertrand. Yeah, he's keeping everybody guessing. Hey, have you seen my new hat? I don't know what school he's at. Look at my new hat. Pretty cool, right? Never really was a hack guy, I don't think.

Not like you. I'm not a hack guy. I mean, it's a medical device now. I need the hat now. you're a hat guy though you have a bunch of odd fun hats you're hat clocking me yeah I like an odd fun hat you has on your own head

I don't hat clock you I hat mock you yeah I say well you got a clock to mock it's impossible not to see the hats you wear it'd be like hanging out with PT Barnum and not noticing his stove pipe hat are he crazy like oh well Becker you're wearing the fucking J.H.R. Puffing stuff today? All right. Keep it groovy. Skatman. Yeah, you're wearing a crazy

fishing hat now. This is my outside hat. This is for gardening. What did you show us to, you said you had there were two little nobs. Was that weed? Yeah. Oh, yeah. That was weed, man. Okay. I got some weed plants are growing gungerman. Come see me now. Just the two? Oh, I got a bunch. I don't know how many of them will survive, but four of them are promising. Nice. Are they all, are they in the greenhouse or no? One of them was in the greenhouse and it's dead now.

I won't say who killed it. Yeah, I was pretty worried about that when we were talking about it, but you were reigniting that fire in you and I didn't want to make it any worse. Oh, they're dead. The ones in the greenhouse are dead, but hey, you know, it's the ones outside are fine. Just the we, just the little weedlings, the little seed babies. Yeah. Tomatoes were hearty enough to survive a little bit, but...

Yeah. You can come judge my whole setup. I'm excited. When you guys arrive, you have to come directly to my house. Okay. Where else would we go? I don't know. Our Airbnb's.

Good question. You can't check in anymore. I don't know. I think I can when we get there. On your Airbnb? You have to check in at like 4 o'clock at an Airbnb. I think it's a little earlier. I think ours is around noon

They asked when we were booking it like when we arrived No one's ever stayed here before Don't worry, we'll get the meth lab out of it before you guys get in here It won't stink by day two What time do you arrive? Like noon I think Like 1240 maybe So we'll be eating White Castle by one

Whoa Not in the house I would imagine Yeah, 1246. I greeted my father with White Castle yesterday when I picked him up from the airport. Why is he already there? He's my dad. Yeah. Come whenever he wants.

Nothing else to do. He hasn't been here in 18 months, so it's about time. Why not? Oh, I don't know. He's been busy getting laid and getting paid, I guess. Laying low. He's been hanging out with Byron Ram. He's been taking Byron's symposium.

Getting sucked. Yeah. Learning how to smoke and how to get sucked. how to how to orgasm without your monocle falling out who all you've got staying at your house Dave so female is that it your girlfriend

Olivia oh nice and then Donnie Townsend staying here too why where else is you going to stay He doesn't have any money. He doesn't have any money.

He has two children and he bartends occasionally. It'd be like if you had two kids, I'd let you stay in my house. All right. Yeah. I was like, Emily, a couple of my friends don't have any money. They have to stay here. She said, all right, Donnie can stay, but we can't handle Jancycock too. And I was like, what the fuck?

So she banned the cock man. And I hit up Jansocock and was like, hey, bro, you got to go somewhere else. You weird out my wife. And he said, of course, that makes total sense. I know who I am. I'll sleep next door in the playground. Well, I'll return the tent, but can I keep the hammock? He thought that he was going to, like, sleep in a tree.

And I said, no, no. So he said, I'll find my own accommodations. And then he quietly just decided he couldn't come. So if people are broke, you let them stay in your house. Even if they are strange puppet types. She went with. with Donnie over Jansacock. I mean, that is neck and neck for the weirdo Olympics.

She just said that she's got a lot on her plate and she doesn't need to answer a bunch of questions about what different colors are and, you know. What happens after we die? Between plates and bowls. Donnie trying to leave one of the two kids at your house. Right. Yeah, in the mailbox. Hey, Sam, it looks like one of your plants.

gave birth. Check that up, Big Cat. If you spot it, you got it. It's legally your kid. If you pick it up. Yeah, it's a hot potato stitch. Becker, do you have any pranks plan for the big party? No, no pranks.

This could definitely be like a Becker coming of age tale this weekend. Where I prank everyone. Yeah, like the best prank ever. Yeah, I would have probably needed to start on that earlier than the day before I leave town you got an all-stars all-star prank squad it's going to be here that's true

bobby the animal crane all the stinkers will be there nathan the animal lund yeah chris the animal charpentier bobby and i are going to be unhooking bras all weekend yeah i guess i can tell you guys that part of the plan that is a great plan and then if any of them if any of them try to call the authorities it's like uh let me let me retain counsel I just put Bobby on my back. Yeah. It's like, all right, see you in court. I like that.

I like that angle. I think you guys should start, you know, go around tying cherry stems with your tongues and asking chicks if they can touch their elbows behind their back. Yeah, just become like kind of sexual guys. Dress exactly like that one. We're going to have clipboards and we're going to ask. Ask women, yeah, what they've been up to. If they want to smell your fingers.

See what information we can get ahead of the next official census. Tell them they're bad at kissing and you can prove it. Doing over under on body counts. Over under on their sweaters. Over under their sweaters. The bras. Unhooking the bra. You should.

unhook my wife and see how quickly she has you killed it's my doctor man i can't do that yeah dr cool tits yeah well oh what i uh i shared the story that you shared uh about the garden society with megan and she was so jealous she was like me she was like i wish i could have been there i wish that was me i was like i know just be living your life and you get that gold god out of nowhere too because she you know she would have never guessed the ending to the story that starts with sam went to go see some flowers and the part that i forgot is at the end like i laughed really hard when she said it of course and then the three women who were like on my side and like kind of defending me all looked at me very disappointed and then I had to like unlock my bicycle and ride away slowly. Okay. So. Oh,

right, right, right. You weren't just, uh, lucky to be there and you were also, yeah, you wish you could have gotten out of there quicker. I mean, it wasn't worth it. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, Megan also wondered, was there an actual, um, competition that was happening or was that just like, those couple of or whichever woman asked you to pick a favorite and least favorite was that for her own I think that there was a competition going on between the nine plots at the war memorial because like that wasn't the only stops on the garden tour then you got given directions to people's houses and you got to go look in people's backyards so it wasn't the entire garden tour it was just the war memorial plots you know Sam I'm I know you love your coffee and your tea, John Popper style, but you don't need caffeine to get some energy. What? You're kidding.

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Ultra pouches come in five great flavors, cool mint, winter green, tropical, watermelon, and the all-new blue razz. Who, it's all-new blue razz? That's right. Blue-rass is my favorite flavor. I don't know about you guys. also wintergreen tropical and watermelon as well as cool mint are all good flavors too you put them all in your mouth and call it a suicide a death by chocolate and they keep that but yeah they keep thoughts of the actual act away because it's really hard to want to kill yourself when you got an ultra

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to get 15% off at take ultra.com. That's take ultra.com for 15% off with code Chubby. After you purchase, they'll ask you where you heard about them, support the show, and tell them Chubby Behemoth sent you. I tell you about the guard. Do you ever hear the term dosa? No. No.

Do you ever hear the term dosa? Only when you're talking about like Indian food. Right. Yeah. Or LSD in Mexico. Yeah. It's not docent. I don't know.

What's docent mean? I'm pretty sure a docent is like someone who works at monitors, overseas, volunteers at like a museum. or some type of art exhibit can have a docent and they are just who is there to like tell you not to touch the art or sit on the ancient chair or whatever that would make a lot of sense because that was her whole job there was two of them you walk into two of the gardens out of the nine that I went to and there was a woman who greeted me at one and was like hello I'm the garden dosa or docent. I'm the garden

Dosa. The owner is right over there, but she doesn't want to answer questions. And then she pointed like four feet away. The woman was just sitting in a chair, listening to everyone come in and judge her garden.

So then I was like, oh, wow, this is beautiful. Did I fuck something up, Becker? No. Okay. I was trying to fix my AirPods. No, you're fine. I just fucked my hand up when I tried to grab my phone. I heard it with my classic You grabbed a cactus again

It hurts so bad I hit the wrong spot With my phone when I went to go look up Dotion or Dosa I told you not to get the cactus cover But here you are It was free Did you look it up and not tell us No I got distracted by the extreme pain

And the webbing of my thumb Quit being a baby It hurts I was born in the cactus I'll die in the cactus It's like a cat scratch I looked up DOSM But then it's

It's like Latin to teach, but it's anybody who might lead a tour or educate people about an exhibit or something. I think that's what it was then. But yeah, it was just so it was just so that the other woman didn't have to answer any questions despite eavesdropping on what everyone had to say about her garden. So I do a lap and then I walk up to her and I hit her with like a, you know, like classic. So hey, that Climatis over there. This is not the docent. This is the owner of the garden. I was like, hey, so that climatist over there, where did you get that?

And she was like, good eye. A lot of people don't recognize it. And I was like, oh, so you're just like trying to fuck. Is that your whole thing? She was like, maybe. Pleasure's all we have. Pleasures all we seek. No, she didn't say that, but she definitely laid it on hot and lustful.

And then I was like, this is really cool. No one knows it's out. Back here, you can't tell from the street. And she said, I have a hard job. I want to come home and have a little peace, a little respite. And it's mine. It's mine. No one knows it's here.

It's all mine. She puts down dogs and cats at the shelter all day. Yeah, I think she's light bulb taster. It goes in the backyard. Yeah, she's a cactus appraiser, and she has to do it by hand. I'm surrounded by moron. I'm on that Sibian 16 hours a day. They said cam girl.

I said, oh, how bad could it be? Well, you ever seen Swedish fish in the form of a mouth? Take a gander at my pussy. It's absolutely wrecked. But that was the same trip, you said? Yeah, this was all one go round. And I just kept showing up to people's house on my bicycle, all sweaty, being like, Hey, can you check off my brochure?

You had to show him your brochure, so it wasn't just drifters coming in? You guess you get a Trinidad Garden to me. So nobody could sneak in. So nobody could sneak in unannounced and smell flowers. They don't want people going in and like sitting in the greenhouse and claiming squatters rights. Oh, yeah. Who's, well, Jansocock probably would have been, uh, comfortable in the tiny house or the garage. I think the tiny house is full of spiders.

He would have loved it. I think he's dating a spider already so he's been a taste of home. He is a maniac. He wouldn't have cared. It was more of an overcrowding situation. It didn't have anything to do personally with Ryan Jansicock. He was just, he was the last one that

the axe had to fall and it happened to be his head. The last Ronan. I mean, Donnie's a 56-year-old father of two kids under the age of three. So I say let him crash. Let him sleep on the floor. the closest guy to Al Pacino that we know. Whoa. Okay.

Byron Graham says, my summer quarter just started, but I'd still like to go. It's like a five-hour drive, right? Oh, and he just changed it. He edited it. My summer quarter pounder.

Oh, I guess he has a huge hamburger. He's eating this summer. You know, he has to have it done by Sunday night, Sunday at midnight. He has to have it done. or else he gets a

got to doctor letter grade. Not by Sunday before they'll let him have his Sunday. So he has to finish the burger before he can have the Sunday, I guess. Whatever. Before we can get visitation. I say let's get Byron here. I'm going to tell him to take the train because that's the, that's, you know,

an idea for a guy like him. Is it five hours? I thought it was a little shorter if you went to straight. Yeah, it's five hours, but you could take the train. Nice. Period. Guys invest sub train rides.

he kind of moved away from vests i think and into more flowing garments i think vests moved away from here he got more into rugby's get out of here duddy's rummaging around on the staircase like a ferret in the walls i thought one of our headphones was given feedback but it was duddy's voice the dudman came in and showed me the tai food that he just picked up.

Successful order from the dudman. You get the peanut sauce? Are we going to get the peanut sauce? It's like serving dog food to Emily. Are we going to get real good pizza, Detroit style? Pizas at this party?

Depends on your guys' attitude, honestly. Depends on how Friday goes. Or wait, Friday's the pizza. Right. So if you guys show up in good spirits, all smiles. No one's busting my ball.

or bothering my chops, then yeah. But if you guys show up and you're nasty, we're getting jets. Ooh. And you guys wouldn't know the difference because you'd be stoked to have jets. It's win-win, yeah. Win-win is not coming. She had to work. Dr. Win-win now.

And then there's a six-foot sub. I've got an idea for a prank. Well, there's a sick, what, you're going to eat the whole sub? Yeah. Well, if you eat the whole sub, you don't get to meet Kevin Nash. Whoa. You're going to have Super Shredder there? Kevin Nash is coming.

He's going to be in a dunk tank. You rented him for an hour. Yeah. I'll abstain from sandwich to meet Super Shredder. I'm trying to think of the funniest celebrity to hire for this. Because, you know, you can't do the Barry Sanders in person either. So I think Kevin Nash. That was the only one I was going to be excited about.

And then in a surprise turn, I eat the sub, even though it means I can't meet Kevin Nash because I want to prank Becker bad enough. I'm like, it was worth it. I get sick. You get really sick. And then we pants you in front of Kevin Nash. Yeah, Kevin Nash calls me a pussy. Right. A fat pussy.

And then as you go to pull up your pants, you're bent over. he picks you up and jackknifes you. He jackknifes you hard. That'd be an honor. It'd be awesome if you got jackknifed at my party. He drops me on my neck, like the big show. Yeah, you can't walk. You have to live in the hot tub.

I have to live in a little house. Spiders bite me constantly. I'm just in there, immobile. Yeah, but when the spiders bite you, you can move. The poison stimulates the nerves so you can move again. You're powered by spider bites? The only way I can, yeah, that I know whether I can do anything. It's like, yeah, I'll be there as long as I get bit by a couple spiders.

Better hope the spiders are biting tonight. What are you talking about? Oh, nothing, nothing. Pencil me in. Not allowed to talk about it. Yeah, don't eat the whole sandwich, Becker. I won't. Unless it's bad, then you have to eat the whole sandwich.

Okay. Here's my big question. My favorite pizza shop is like on the far west side of Detroit. It's in Mexico town. I love that pizza, but getting there and back is going to be such a hassle. On a Friday night. Yeah. And Becker, I want to go to that dispensary we went to last time.

Yeah. Because they have all those pre-rolled joints up there. Yeah, those ounce bags. I was also thinking about going and grabbing an ounce. bag of joints. Well, I'm just going to, I was going to grab him for the party, you know, just like have them out, have Indica and Sativa so all the old heads can like hit a joint for the first time and then have a panic attack.

I'm down to go with you over there. Is that the same direction? I'm going to have to send you on an errand. And London, I have to send you to Mexico town, but you have to take the wagon. I have to fight my way back. Like the street sharks. Big slam move. He's kind of given off Slamu vibes right now.

Yeah, I see it. Which one would he be? Slammo. Yeah, I got my black, I almost said, de go tea. That's what it is. Yeah, according to you. And my mom. My mom was on that, that introduced me to that term.

And I figured it was like some French, some French. some French word my mom called them guinea slings geez yeah different time everybody I called them wife beaters so I feel like calling it a day or T's a big step in the right direction yeah there's a ven there's a Venn diagram with some crossover

so Lund no spoilers or anything but does Doug love movies oh yeah man I'm O for three on Doug loves movies I'm O for zero he is he's crazy he's crazy about movies that's for sure he knows a lot of random shit i told him you know we have to recommend a movie and i said the i talked about the world according to garp no i thought i i almost said all the jackass man watch all the jackass movies you don't regret it oh yeah but i didn't i said uh world according to garp was a crazy ride and he was like yeah

all those uh books by john irving are all over the place but that was a really good adaptation and then he just he's encyclopedic he's got his shit on lock and he knew what i was talking about when i said it was crazy and there were you know there were some some wacky uh twists and turns he was right on top of it he said he watches it semi regularly so that was funny you should have told them you should have been like have you seen like the nineteen eighty nine street sharks movie and then just lie and make him think that he's insane. He's high enough to pop his brain real easy. No. What? I did two live, two live ones at the Comedy Works and then this one, it was me and Lace Larrabee and Jeff Tate.

Nice. All the stars were there. And they both did better than me. What? Jeff does it a lot. I think he's, yeah, he did it like yesterday. Yeah, Tater salad. But it's just knowing, it's knowing random, knowing a lot of movies is helpful or whatever. and then you can get lucky too. I'd be so bad. Lace got lucky-ish. She was like, I don't watch a ton of movies, but. Then every question was about fried green tomatoes.

No video, so I was completely nude. I was jacking it. Oh, wow. I'd love to be nude and videoless. No audio or no video, yeah, made me think of like a COVID pod or something. Yeah. Lace is a wild one, man. She's a fun lady.

she's a spark plug hell ranger yeah it was good it was a good time I was fucking with it was on Zoom so I think some of my settings with the mic and the speakers or whatever were

off and I couldn't figure out how to change them and so I thought I had like unplugged my mic so I was thinking stupidly that they couldn't hear me and I just went like fucking god damn it and then plug plug back in and

like, hey, it's all good. We're still waiting on lace. And I was like, oh, thank God. Also, sorry, you weren't supposed to hear me swearing. Yeah, flipping out. It was like two and a half minutes late. I thought I was the last one and so I felt bad. But no. And then I got nude, had a good time. This episode is brought to you by Cash App. Cash App does more than you think when it comes to having your back and making sure your money stays your money. Cash App just released a new status program for the way people actually spend called Cash App Green. Now, when you spend at least 500 bones a month with the Cash App card, you are in Green status, which unlocks benefits like up to $200 of free overdraft coverage. You also unlock higher borrow limits and custom

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dot up slash legal, slash podcast. for full disclosures. Who's having fun? Oh yeah. Cashack. Smoking in the boys' room. Dump them out. It's cash app time.

Were you sitting in this like bamboo black wicker cage room? I didn't I didn't put this thing behind me because I didn't have to. Oh yeah. Because it was no video. Creech was nude behind you. I was, yeah, I was the shadow.

Dogs were cleaning. I was doing the rave. I was doing the Guinness World. I was trying to get the rave going. Oh, yeah, you got to get back to that quick. Yeah, well, yeah, I can do this, but then I have to, yeah, I have to start shaking it again. I have to start humping. Are you going to go over there, Becker, and join in?

No. Why? Don't you love charity? I'm going to go get food after this. Wendy's or Arby's. I'm going to go to Walmart and get a, bunch of shit to make a giant salad and then probably a watermelon or a canola i i want a melon really bad and probably a brick of parmesan because i need protein so i'll just eat that while i

smoke you're going to get it from cheese yeah parms great great protein yeah but you're not going to shit for a week and a half you shit fine there's no lack there's not there's nothing in parm here we go you're fine he knows yeah all right and that pecker knows his body

he knows cheese and mostly I just want something without any hot those movies yeah I want something without any hot ingredients and then I'm going to try to go to sleep while it's cool out and get like a full night arrest before we party all weekend

there will be much partying there will be checking in on me making sure that Emily's having a good time some light valet work. Whoa, I just thought about Emily's birthday in Fort Collins when you got wasted. That was such a shit show. It was not a shit show. It wasn't that big of a deal. You were annoying for like an hour straight and you're you've never been annoying at a party before that. So it was just like this spectacle. You were annoyed because you were sober. Everyone else who was partying said I was the funest man alive.

No, you were a problem. And Emily was pissed because you kept throwing fruit on the roof and it was my It was going to do something. It wasn't. Oh. Oh, yeah. And that was when Emily was like hanging lights and she was above me and I was like, I'm not looking because it's your birthday. Yeah. I did not.

You upskirted my wife on her birthday that I was ruining. She wasn't. You ruined her birthday. That's when the tide turned. No, I was mad because you broke our trust. I bought you guys a new ladder. And you said, hey, I'm going to have that. I wonder if you still have that.

It was like a big umbrella, wasn't it? We still have it. You guys. Oh, cool. I got you that. And then I think she was up there and realized that I was right below her. And she was like, don't look. And I was like, guess what?

I haven't been. And I was telling the truth. Oh. That was my present for her. You're an idiot. Also driving up there. You should have peeped it. It's nuts.

It's sideways. It is. It's all wrong. Man, this has been quite the summer for fucking motorcycles in Trinidad. It's like they're all really outdoing each other for loudest, dumbest motorcycle. I think that one group of carpenters that all works together on the fences. Jesus and the disciples? No, but I think like all four of those dudes just got Harleys and they've been really fucking obnoxious.

it's just either yeah between locals and guys riding through yeah it is a lot it's constant and beanie hates it she doesn't understand she thinks that the world is ending every time but uh they are making a different uh they're changing this uh exit that we're right by off the i 25 so i think it'll be slightly less crazy when that's done but i don't know when it'll be done. Yeah, I noticed that too. But there won't be as many. Well, there's, they will go, instead of going right by, they'll, they'll take a left right away

away from us. So it might be less crazy. There's no more room in Detroit, so you guys have to stay there forever. No. What do you mean? I know you guys were begging to move here, but guess what?

Oh, this is just in. Detroit is back and bigger than ever. No, there's still. Two houses for sale right by that Detroit Abloom place. There's like two right there. Damn. A nice part of town. I know.

What place? We're supposed to know this place? The place where I gardened. Uh. Remember? I went and gardened and I said I'm still wet. Oh, with the guy that bought? Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. You were the weed man. I was, uh, weeding. And yeah, there's two houses that are for sale right there. Yeah, it's tempting even with the horrendous winter. Oh, I mean, I think it's well worth it. I'm thinking, winter's bad there too.

Not the same. It's not as cold and hard to deal with. But I'm wondering as the planet heats up, I'm thinking maybe Minnesota, Michigan could become more temperate. Oh, Michigan's like the number one destination for climate. Apocalypse people. It's like New Zealand, America.

Yeah. It has the most water, like the most fresh water. It's surrounded by the most fresh water in North America, I think. Yeah. We might all end up up there. Maybe. Well,

I mean, not if you don't ask me for permission. I think technically Decatur is supposed to be the most temperate place, if it all goes to shit. Go live in Decatur. Decatur what?

I don't want to. I'm just, like I think that is like the epicenter of comfort but I do think Detroit's like the biggest place that'll be comfortable yeah I'm not which which Decatur Illinois I think so I would assume not Georgia yeah there's Georgia Texas Illinois Decatur I don't even know her yeah I've just seen multiple scientists over the last several years be like this is this is the center of the projection of where it'll be comfortable it's gonna all change We won't have to worry about any of that.

Yeah. Soybean capital of the world. Because we'll all be dead come Monday. As long as the plan comes together. I have a gig Monday. Oh, yeah, in Grand Rapids. When are you leaving? Brent said Sunday night.

So we'll hang out. We'll hang out Sunday. I heard there wasn't a wink. You guys know the rules on the boat, right? What? Don't be telling everyone about the boat. Yeah. Don't talk about it Friday or Saturday.

Do I need to cut this out? No, no, none of these people listen. Okay. I hope. None of these randos. Emily's weird. Well, that's a logistics thing too. Yeah.

So. What about one? Sorry, Jan's a cock. What about one hot riff to bring it all home, huh? A 20-minute riff? Is that what you want? Well, no. We had time before you got taken in the storm.

Oh, nice. Yeah. And I didn't know. So, all right. How about a new character? Hi. I'm Admiral Genevieve Montgomery. And I don't really like to talk about myself very much.

Are you a rear admiral or? It's a very forward question. What about Port versus Starboard? Do you have a favorite between the two? I don't care for games. Next question. What Navy? Bean.

Next question. What's your favorite shade of blue? Ocean blue. Any other questions? How old are you? Favorite direction? I wasn't in the Navy. I lied.

I lied about the whole thing. Damn. You're a good liar. Thank you. Genevieve. Is that your real name? No, my real name is. Lacey.

But I wanted people to take me more seriously in the Navy. Why do they all wind up sounding like Peterman? What's my deal? Me, the artist, Sam Talent, not Admiral Genevieve Montmorealis. It wasn't Morales. It's Mont Morales.

That was your maiden name. Made man, Your maiden voyage. I've been watching Maiden Manhattan all day. that would have served me well at Doug loves movies if I could have mentioned Made in Manhattan. You got G. Lee and you got Made in Manhattan. Those are your big J-Lo joints.

Next time you go, since I'm not allowed on there, did you drop my name? Did you say, hey, let's get Sam T on here? Guess what? I don't think I'm getting any money, and so you wouldn't be interested. I want to do it. I've never done any of his shows. also I was surprised because I feel like the main reason he hits me up is that I've done the show before and so there's only so many people that he uses but it was Lace's first time doing anything

with Doug so there is there's some spots open tell him to get me in there she's dating a woman yeah isn't that weird she ever heard of it two ladies oh yeah She won't shut up about it. She feels alive. Say that there's a young upstart named Sam Talent. He's been, you know. He knows about you. I hope so.

I love you, Doug. Big leagues you. Big league, too. Yeah, he was in Denver a couple weeks ago when we were together wherever. I couldn't remember at all. When we were talking, I guess Fort Collins. Yeah. Uh, so I had to say

Sawie. Said, hey man. No, we were out of town. Where did we go? No, I think that you did do Four Collins with me instead of doing Doug loves movies. I don't remember it being a Sunday, but yeah. Had to say no.

Well, I'm going to have a big ice cream Sunday tonight. I got some mulberries and we got service berries and I'm going to cook them all down into a nice little compote and me and my daddy are going to go watch the death of Robin Hood. So I heard that was sick. It's about to be a Sam and Duddy butt blast weekend. What are we going to do about jackass? Oh, I don't know.

I figured you guys were going to surprise me with a solution. That makes sense. You kept telling us you were trying to get a screener. I'm trying to get a screener. That's all I have. That's all I can tell you. We should go a midnight show.

You know what we should do. Let's have Duddy film it. We'll send Duddy. nobody will suspect duddy he goes watches it films it and we watch it you know Saturday or Sunday he should live stream it actually we can watch it from my house as my dad is just sitting there shaking and like you know he keeps going like I'm not I'm not I'm not filming I'm not filming and he puts the camera back up and then I told you I'm not before and I meant it and just it's like a handheld camera

yeah it's not his phone yeah it's an old old camera like he's bootlegging it i'm not filming it helps me see it helps me see the screen it's a medical device yes my mom was an admiral jenevieve goodbye