Chubby Behemoth - The Jiggle Load

Episode Date: December 14, 2025

SEE THE BOYS LIVE - https://www.samtallent.com/     Sponsors: Cash App - Download Cash App today: https://capl.onelink.me/vFut/g0yurtz9 #CashAppPod . Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App's bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. See terms and conditions at https://cash.app/legal/en-us/card-agreement. Direct Deposit, Overdraft Coverage and Discounts provided by Cash App, a Block, Inc. brand. Visit http:///cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures.     Hims - Support the show & get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care with HIMS @ hims.com/CHUBBY     PATREON EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth     This week the boys are together in a new room configuration. Sam got rocked by a clip of My 600 Lb Life, sat on a guys lap, and wonders whose clothes are those? Nathan is allegedly very high, is wearing a dead mans pants, and didn't know what to say at the handoff. What I am is singing.     00:00 L Shaped Room 01:58 Always High 05:26 You'll Always Be Tall 06:54 Inflate And Bitch 08:26 For Everyone Involved 10:45 On A Big Ole Hook 12:44 Definitely Got Sick In These 14:48 How Long You Been In Show Business? 16:26 House Flip Flops 18:28 Spit On His Hand 21:02 This Is What I Wanted 22:06 Changed His Name To Sex 24:20 He Loved That Dick 25:26 On Accident 28:55 Park 2 Jet 31:09 Year Of The MF'er 33:55 Most Debit Cards Are Boring 37:07 Cruise Control For Your Wang 38:26 Something Simple 41:14 Who Knows? 42:11 Becker Pants 43:56 A Real Hit Piece 47:34 We Just Watch TV 50:16 I Need To Watch A New James Bond 52:43 Came To Terms 54:07 Nathans Version 57:54 Bought A Painting Today 59:01 Rude Boys     Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

say it again but better now this is nice you think we're in there yeah uh you're in my bed i'm in your head no you're in my heart this is a funny l-shaped room that we haven't encountered so we can't we can't see each other sleep yeah you can only see each other's lower half you'll be able to see my shins i'll be able to see your nude back as you lay face down like chris farley It's going to be great. Your butt's going to be out? Oh, yeah, there was photos of my butt at Katerina's wedding that surfaced. I haven't seen those.

Well, you're never going to. What the hell? TMZ bought them. So. Ton metric zone. Yeah. They bought it by the spite of a yard. Too much.

Too much zow. That's my butt. No matter how much weight you lose, your butt crack will always be impressive. Thank you. I don't think that. goes anywhere. It just gets leaner or something. Yeah, I mean, my dad's butt now

is like, starts between his eyebrows on the back of his head and just goes all the way down. His butt is legendary. He's more crack than man at this point, really. I believe it. Also,

I call him crackhead because it starts up here. I can't remember if I talked about how shocked I was to check in on my back hair. But that I, and I thought of Drew Carey, it, it, in the joke, you know, I haven't really, tell the joke. I haven't bald, gone bald like you and other people, I know. But I can still say, I've lost some, but Drew Carey talks about how it goes.

Little elves take it from your hair and bring it to your ass. And on the way, they plant, they plant it, they throw it. You don't remember the? No, I didn't watch a lot of Drew Carey's greatest hits, though. Shagrin falls on. Yeah. You know, he told me when I did him, Stan Hope's live feed with him, I said, my mom went to college at the same time as you.

And he said, I didn't fuck your mom, man. So it was my one time I talked to Drew Carey. He was pleasant. Yeah, he was great. Convivial, stoned, probably. He's always high. It's his whole thing as being high. You're really high right now.

Allegedly. Yeah. it's like you're behind glass and not just in my bed i'm in the shower well i don't want to look i don't want to look at you i love looking at you that's a whole thing so we can't stay right here i i haven't even been looking there i've been looking over here half listening okay well you didn't listen to me at all in the green room why about this it's great stuff like this coming out the well no earlier i wasn't But yeah, my back is a nightmare. Oh, and I think I did say on the pod that you were correct in the hot tub to say,

my God, get that away from me before I call it the cops, before I call the National Guard. But tonight, in the green room, there's a bong, there's weed, a couple pipes, and Rachel, working the green room, asks if we need anything. Oh, no, you know, you say tomorrow. You know, if we just do water and Red Bull, sugar-free Red Bull, it's all I need. It'll be good. Yeah.

And then she said, oh, and then the three bottles of vodka. And I said, well, yeah, we smoke weed with the vodka. Or you said gin. I said, yeah, we smoke weed with the vodka. But we drink the gin. And then you go right after I said that. You're like, we use the gin to smoke weed out of the bongs. No.

It's like, what? I said we put the vodka in the bong. okay you said we smoke weed with the vodka that's what you said in the bong no i know but you didn't say that part you said as if we smoked weed to a company like when you have cognac and a cigar so i heard you say that and then i said okay that's his take on it sure all right repairing menu and i said the thing about we put the vodka in the bong so yeah we were just uh i miss i misheard your great zinger and i'm sorry it's just funny you didn't hear it at all i did though and then I was like okay well I swing the miss here let me I didn't think I didn't think

that it was ambiguous that it was confusing that sounded weird yeah maybe I was high then you know I we were smoking that endo weed I only had to do 14 minutes so I figured I could get a little stoned yeah 14 to make so Lisa I could do six minutes so why isn't why isn't it go five five 15 20 Why does Lysayat need to have six minutes and then you who flew in? Get a shit in. He needs to have 14. He was flown in.

Yeah. He was on a paper airplane. He's a little guy. Hey, man. Oh, wait. We're not allowed. Why? You can't tease.

You can't tease them. Short jokes. They've been done to death. No, I know. And it's, look, they were born that way. You can't make fun of them. It's illegal. Being a little guy.

I'm sure it's great It's not easy for me You know Yeah you're becoming a little guy You know you'll always be tall So you'll never be considered a little guy Right Be a Lysiah

You might get the worst of it Where you're The perfect mix I always just think about We're talking about being little And having random guys want to fight you Right You might get the thing of

You're the perfect mix to like a fucking coward Where it's like you Can't really be called a little guy but if you're thin enough, it's like best of both worlds. You look big enough to where if you get your ass beat, then the dude, like, wasn't picking the smallest guy. It's insane that I am considered a little guy at all because I'm 260 pounds.

I'm 255 pounds. I mean, look, in America, I am not a little guy. Is that fair? Well. In Mongolia, maybe I'm a little guy, you know? I don't think. Parts of the Dutch Andes. Maybe I'm a little guy.

No, you're not little. That's why it's funny to call you that, especially because you don't like it. But you'll always be six four. Like, I am still huge. I am still the biggest man. Everyone should treat me with the utmost respect for being big. That's all I ask.

Not for my acumen on stage, not for the art that I've given you. Just for being huge. That's all I care about. Just giving my big dog, give the big bone. It's funny to think about the people that maybe don't know how much weight you've lost. And so they see the promo and they're like, we're going to go see that guy. He's funny.

Yeah. And then you show. Munga,unga. My God. Yeah. What happened? Fate and switch. Inflating bitch.

That's what they do. They inflate my picture. They photoshop me spread. Yeah. I mean, I'm going to have to literally, they're going to have to just flatten my photo to keep me fatten the pictures. Because no one wants to come to see a guy. who kind of has it together. No, they do.

No. You didn't need to be chungo. Being chungo, it's so insane. Do you think it sells all of it? Oh, yeah. Let's go look at the freak. None of it's hitting as much. None of your stuff is hitting his heart.

No, my shit hits still, but I do think that there's an element of like, oh, we like to do when he was the party pig. And now he's like talking about how he doesn't have any integrity because he bought a house. Like, I'm like, there's some heavy themes in there that are surrounded by all this cotton candy. So yeah, I don't know. I'm having a tough time. I'm having a full-blown identity crisis. Oh, no. I think I'm going to get fat from the waist down. I'm going to get a huge ass, big chunky thighs and feet that start like right here and just spread, you know? They walk on the side of my shoes, that kind of thing. No. Yeah, and then up top I'm going to be

ripped. Up top, I'm going to be like a swimmer's body long and lean, ready for the 40 yard. Then down here, just like my big fat American wife. Craig Hayward. Yes, iron spread Dude I saw a 600 pound wife clip The other day I felt so bad for everyone involved Was it the chicks

I watched the thing about the dude Stephen I don't know Stephen He was a real Jerk it sounded like Was he super annoying Was he like the fucking lobster boy I don't know

The redheaded who sat on his bed No he wasn't red Gaming and eating Burger King It's like he didn't His torso didn't stop or end It was nuts He was like that fucking turtle guy Who killed all those freaks in Florida

He like He yells at his mom He's out of breath No this was a different dude Steven Oh you fucking beep beep beep You stop slurring on your game Mom

I'm out of Frosty It's Frosty elements empty Okay So this was a different God's creation who... Different house boat I guess is

the video was a young woman just kind of chronicling how awful he is to his dad his dad feels bad I think maybe he wasn't around when he was young when he was eating

when he was getting huge the dad was at the track so he ate my wife and now I regret that he like I don't know can't say no to this

to his boy and the boy is hungry The boy needs to feed One like It's just all fucked He was like seven something And it's like Not foot tall

You don't feel great You don't feel great when you're over three And kind of and fat But imagine if you're twice More than twice as big Like it would be tough I just think about hitting three And then you hit four

And then you're like Four You are never four Let's keep going No but I'm just thinking about As someone who struggled with his weight, his entire life. 3.50? I was 3.47 was the biggest I saw on the scale.

I was probably more than that. Wasn't the biggest that you were probably. No. That was the biggest when I starred in the whale. How about that for a switch? But, no, it's interesting to think about, when I remember hitting three and being like, oh, my God, what the fuck. Which is dumb because you're so tall.

Well, I know, but then you hit like 3.50 and you're like, well, oh. It's a living. Yeah. but like hitting four and then not only getting to four but then hitting five and then one day you see on the scale six and you're like I'm going for the record get me an agent give me to hollywood oh six seven don't take a while you hit seven and you're like that's it hang me from the dock on a big old hook it's crazy I just don't know how I mean I do know how because it's an addiction and it's a medical disease much like being small

and as a man who's between worlds now you know i empathize with both yeah god i mean you're proven the point that it'd be tough to be little because you are like defensive about it's like nobody thinks you're actually little i'm not defensive it's just really is it is interesting it's the dog food for me for you or you're like weird about it no you're being weird about it no no you're projecting i was weird for a new clip the guy gets you out of the dog house I love the dog house because you're eating all the snacks. A fucking guy today after the show at the meat and greet, dog food. You should, says to me, dude, have, or like, I don't know how he phrased it.

He's like, have you eaten any dog food on stage? And I was like, no. Why would I said I stopped? He was like, he gives you his card. You could do. Like, I work for Brillstein. When you're ready to come up north, when you're ready to say, bye to San Diego and hello to Hollywood. uh watch you ever considered eating dog food on stage stop by the ralphs get some dog food and

meet me at my office yeah meet me on the lot me and howie mandela have some ideas you never ate dog put on stage huh no what do you hate money what you like these goodwill pants are stupid pills yeah these are goodwill pan they're arc old guy definitely got real sick in these yeah He made his last mess in those pants. And now they're in my bed where my head goes. Yeah, you're not buried in them, obviously, but died in them. I'm going to get yellow eye, not even pink eye. I'm going to get fuchsia tongue.

No, they're good. And I'm not here to at all besmirch the people struggling with Wade sincerely. It is funny to think about some guy bringing his girlfriend and being like, he lost a bunch of weight. And then she gets there and she's like, what? No, he didn't. He's still grossed out. I mean, you're still so sweaty.

Oh, my front shirt was, that shirt was. Yeah, you didn't have to turn around for the big funny sweat reveal. It was, God, it's front and center. Well, it's because I was thinking about crushing the mirrors in a man's skull with my fingers. If my eyes were lasers, they would have cut to the core of the earth. I hated that guy. I don't care that he flew into town to get his heartbroken by a trollop. All right.

I don't care that his buddy did something. brave on the base and he's missing all of his friends uh what i he came he flew in you said yeah for a big date yeah and it went poorly yeah and he came to the show and sat in the middle in the second row to yell at me the whole time yeah i don't know if he knew you liked you i don't think he did he just wanted to laugh and laugh and oh how he laughed and just yeah talked a lot oh talked to lock out something to say he must have got told hey man one more time and you're out of here at least ten times hey man it's next time it's your ass well it's just because you know san diego you give people chances and sometimes it works out

and somehow he did shut up eventually and it was fine it was good but then they kicked him out at the very end which was you know heroic work for vaping inside it's a lot strong the boot for the vape is that a little guy noise it sounded big to me it's a big man noise oh man oh man fucking the host Noah what's his last name noah nobody knows he just goes by Noah he loves the pot Noah Lund forgot your last name you don't you don't even know him I know you have the hiccups is that why you're leaving uh god yeah no shit well sweet Noah caught on stage and eat that Alpo he he caught wait how long you

been in a show business? 20 plus. Wait, you haven't turned this into fucking paper money? What? You're not selling eating dog food cans?

You don't want to turn on the cash machine? What I got to do is pick up a fork. No, he heard, I had a bad burp on stage after the show. You're taking pictures.

I'm standing in front of your shirts. And I burping on. I burp pretty good and I, fuck. And Noah reacted and I was like, you heard that, huh? Because there's music and people are playing really loud.

People are doing stuff talking to you. People in line are talking. But yeah, he felt it. He didn't hear it, but he felt it. There were a few fans of ours and it was cool to see them. It's always cool to see that fucking wide world long sleeve on somebody. People were very complimentary. One guy was like trying to be really nice and then somebody that works is, hey, all right.

Time to go. And I was like, all right, there are like four more people left. You don't have to get them out, really. Well, San Diego's weird, like I said, in the club where it's like everyone's super chill. Everyone's got a couple of hacky-sacks on them. Everyone just wants to get home, take off their flip-flops, put on their house flip-flops, put that bucket hat on and listen to 40-ounce to freedom. But there's also the fact that they grew up in the shadow of not only the border wars, but the eight Marines. bases that are around here? Yeah, military.

So everyone's been... Chilitary. Everyone's been... Right. Locals only. Dodging spin kicks everywhere. Yeah, MMA is big. Just capoeira fighting on the streets of Gastown. So...

I thought somebody might get mad at you for not saying gas lamp. No. I thought maybe you were going to get your little butt paddled. Sorry I said the cool one instead. Gas town. Where's the gas lamp? Oh, what is this an antique store? we're in gas town just light a match

and threaten people back wouldn't that mean it would go up every time somebody tries to light something like fuck I forgot dude that guy who was heckling there's all those pipes on stage at American comedy company great club I like that club all the pipes and I said if you don't

shut the fuck up I'm going to pull this valve blow the roof off this place and I said you guys all live in fear of valves everywhere you go you're like valve no gas town God, I wanted to gas that guy. I want to send him to gas town,

a.k.a. Auschwitz. It was too much. Screaming. Yeah, well. Yeah. Woo. I'm going to scream instead of listen. Oh, it was all that guy.

I was going to say, I thought that the guy that reacted very loudly was separate from the guy that was talking a bunch. He should have been separated from society. Same guy. Okay. He should have been thrown on a punch. I thought it was two guys So maybe it is crazy that That one guy was in there doing

That shit for that long It's a living Why is that to take it? As long as he paid for those drinks He just gets to spit on his hand And put it in my butt Over and over again Work you like a puppet

Yeah Yeah no Falling off I should have said something I should have given him A Impaler DDT You should have had them Hit Stone Cold's music

And I always said My God it's oh god oh god he's past and then you come out and smash two athletics together he's got the green light to open up a can of whoop ass you try and you try and give him the stunner you hit him with both the fingers and then you go to kick him and you pull your hamstring and then you're like oh oh god stop the music oh no it's playing while he stomps me he's stomping my ass the crowd like goes from cheering for you and then the heel turn and and they're like yeah kick his ass i have to start kicking your ass or i lose the room stomping you out burn out i do the frog splash off the stage me and that guy Cory holcomb yeah me and that guy cheers beers that'd be cool you come out fuck you motherfucker i'm here to do what the club won't I need a banana.

That's a myth. I need a banana. I need a raw potato. I need a rack of ribs. You're faking it. People just keep bringing you food. I need a hot foot Sunday. Oh.

Brain freeze. I need a gallon of hot cocoa. The show's going on. I did the frog's way too early i'm hurt but you're you're i'm like you're selling i'm actually hurt hmm shit that would have been good but instead you sat in the back with lees siat talked about what oh he went and did frogs oh yeah i talked with noah lees cool because i only know him from the church of happening now of what's happening now with joey dyes back in the day and he would just get like

so fucked up and just sit there looking like a baby worm going And that's the thing about Puerto Rican. You got to have Montalisha. They'll bite you. And he's like, ah. Just nonverbal. Just twitching. Like he's being passed through a fucking birth canal.

I can't imagine being so high. And you know you're on camera and that a lot of people are going to watch it. What are they going to say? And then you can't, I guess you ride the wave and you have fun with it. But I don't like being super fucking hot. it's not the best to be like way higher than you wanted to be yeah but you just got to say hey this is what I wanted sure I ate all these drugs so I'd be fucked up be cracked open yeah I wanted to be I wanted to have the what I say the last remaining bit of his consciousness dripped down the face

of the moon how about that you said that on stage tonight yeah Jesus I called someone the progenitor of sorrow I didn't hear that you're the progenitor of sorrow Yeah, I've been writing too much, so now I'm thinking in, you know, biblical phrases or whatever. God, this next book is just going to be just a bag full of batteries. Oh, that's what I wanted to tell you. What? Earlier today, I was reminded of a story about a guy in Oklahoma. David Borey went to college in Enid, Oklahoma, I think, for like a semester, southwest or northwest Oklahoma State.

I can't remember. Where did Rodman go? Northeast Oklahoma State? I thought he went to a Juko. I'm pretty sure it was a direction, and then Oklahoma State was where he went to college. I don't know. What did I know?

I was a little tiny Bulls super fan. Well, no, you probably know. I just can't remember if it was northeast. He was near Oklahoma City. He was a janitor or something. He changed his name to sex, if I remember. What? Do you change his name to sex?

I don't know. Yeah, like when he was banging Carmen Elektra, and that was like all everyone talked about. I think he changed his name to the word sex. To Boner? Yeah, to Jiz Magnet. Bonner DeVille. Hey, I'm cum rocket. This is my wife, Hole.

She's not Courtney Love. I'm Peg Bundy. This is Whole. She Courtney loves it. She's on Splay Watch. Spray watch. Oh, no. Spray and watch.

She wasn't on Baywatch. Damn it. Gordon Love. I don't think Carmen Elektra. She probably ran up and down the beach once or twice. Slow-mo. Anyway, we were drinking beers out of a shoe. I remember I visited David, and this was like 2006, and he was drinking shoe beers.

And there was a little guy there, and I remember he took his dick out, pissed. And we were like, whoa, he's pissing, you know? And he, like, had, you know, he had a small penis. To scale. And he was like, yeah, like whipping it around. Yeah. And me and David were like, he's, like, he's pissing it. piss it was in a house he's pissing on the ground in a house whoa yeah everyone's like yeah get

him rickie and someone says look at him with someone says look at your little dick and he looked at him with his dick and said you can kill a man with a battery i was like hell yeah whoa yeah he's a little dick it's pissing we're drinking shoe beers in oklahoma i'm like wow david everything's going good for you how long was he out there i think a semester our friend dug went there so Dave went there as well for a minute. But yeah. Jesus. When's the last time he's seen the guy's dick pissing?

In a house. It's been a long time. Andy's small. He's officially small. He loved that dick. He was confident with it. He was like... Was he fucked up?

Oh, yeah. We were drinking beers out of a shoe. But I'd know if he was wasted or if he just didn't give it. No. I don't know if that was his opener. No, no. We were partying.

That was the Oklahoma condition, too. So it was 3-2 beer. It was like a hot 3-2 beer out of a shoe we're pissing on the ground whose house was it I have no idea normal normal regular size guy no

we're not doing that we can't body shame people I said regular regular size instead of normal it's the same as making fun of someone for like having a hand growing out of their head or how sweaty they are

their dicks inside out you're so sweaty I can't make fun of it a guy you're not fat so I'm not allowed to make fun of you at all you can make fun of me all you want I'm just saying I'm 6-4-260. Little guy?

Come on. Sit next to me on a plane. How about that? And then call me a little guy. People still want to sit next to me instead of you probably. I sat on a guy's lap today on accident. Really? Yeah.

Not on the plane on the shuttle from the, that was his head. It wasn't in his lap. He's in me. he's in there like what you saw yet no I was on the shuttle to get my rental car and the driver said sir will you sit down

and I was like where and he's like I count the passengers the same amount of passengers the same amount of seats so I had to like look around and there was an old couple and the guy saw me coming and was like you know

and they scoot over and then I like sat down and my cheek caught his knee and I crushed him for a second and then did the thing where you sit on someone and then you got to like shuffle so now you're like face to face with the guy and he knows that you just got squished

so yeah that sucked and then the driver of the goddamn shuttle is doing fun facts about the shit we're passing the whole way over the intercom and the old lady who's sitting next to me whose husband I just squished is like

he's like but now who's been to the Cabrio Monument and everyone's like listening to their music or you know pretending like they don't have ears and the old lady next to me

is like oh I haven't but it's on my bucket list and I'm like hurry lady no it's fucking not lady you better get there your bucket list

is the Cabrillo Monument what is the Cabrio monument exactly so he's up there having a pleasure and over here if you're a veteran you get half off

on Tuesdays. Everything had to do with him being a veteran because he wants tips when you get off. He's an old man driving the shuttle. He has the

Big J. Ogerson gloves on. You know, like he's doing a personal record. Yeah, and he's like, oh, and over there, who's been to that

naval ship before? Who's been to the USS Killjoy? I'll tell you. I was on it. I was on it for three years. Notice the deck's nice and clean

that thanks to me and my pals. They call it a poop deck where you could eat off of it. Yep, that was the second longest time I was on a boat I was on a Korean P-O-W ship for seven years

with a little upstart name Johnny McCain Remember him? We were upside down We were upside down Letting rats crawl into our mouths Just to eat them You found a cricket

Hey, you better save that for your birthday Better share Dibs on the legs But yes, I was Subjected to Impossible tortures For a period of seven years years and you know old john whatever happened to him he ran for president what happened to me jack

oh wiley jack brave jack jumped on a grenade or two jack's driving the shuttle 78 years old wearing fingerless gloves no fingers he's not even driving anymore he's let's stop to the green light i haven't felt yeah he's blasted him yeah someone hot He's like, ah, where are they? He puts a blade in his mouth. He was crawling through the bus. There was a guy, I must have gone with you in Denver to Park DIA or one of the other ones that wasn't parked to jet.

And you were like, oh, yeah, I don't usually use Park to Jet. I use Park DIA or whatever. It's nice. And I do it once or twice with you. And the parking lot's way too big for my liking. but the final straw was really one of the times where it was probably December so it was like super busy cold so many people are waiting for the shuttle they have to like fill up leave and another one has to come get whoever's left it's the worst yeah and we get into like that second or even maybe a third shuttle and the dude's like where's everybody going and I wanted to just be like let me out I'm going to get in my car and just drive to onto the airport and just like guess which plane is mine. We'll see what happens.

I don't want to hear. It was probably five in the morning or whatever. It drove three hours. Yeah, it's like 4.30 a.m. It's freezing. I have to go back to Park to Jet where they, none of them really talk at all. Even if you want them to, most of them don't. Yeah.

It's great. There's a strong Ethiopian contingency at Park 2Jet too. Yeah. Everyone's very respectful of everyone's privacy. There's, I mean, yeah, there's a lot of different. dudes that drive god there's nothing there's nothing

that really and I get mad because it shouldn't make me mad I'm embarrassed that I'm the bad guy but just a jolly guy that pulls up to you it's like an Uber driver you know he's 16 minutes late or whatever you've been watching

he hasn't moved for eight minutes it's cold you left the table hey I'm like my car's almost here go outside you're now you're standing outside for 15 minutes in the cold you see your friends inside they're all playing Jenga you know there's a twister game broken out of late his tit pops out you're outside the guy pulls up he's like hey what do you want to listen to and it's like i don't know a bullet going through

the top of your head how about that what about your death rattle hmm oh yeah i got to grab my phone why the ads all right well i'll be right here brb hey everybody i'm gonna get the hiccups again i'm gonna talk to you guys right now right i'm gonna talk to you guys as only i can. Lund's not here to boss us around or call us little. I need you people next year. Next year is the year of the motherfucker. All right. Next year, the gloves are off. Next year, me, Lund, Patrick, Becker, of course, the luckiest man in show business. We are all going to be ripping the tongues out of our enemy's heads and using them as saddles for our miniature ponies. I need massive shows of strength. I need you guys to say, hey, you like it. You like it. You'll

like podcast, listen to this guy's podcast. Hey, subscribe to my YouTube because I want to continue to operate with outside the realms of show business, all right? And that's where you guys come in. We need to spread this virus all over the world. And that means showing up to shows, all right? That means telling people buy this book. That means calling the library and saying if they don't get the book, something bad's going to happen. On Easter. If you thought, that drag reading group was bad hold on hold my white claw so the show it's going to start happening next year the youtube's going to be completely huge pat's moving into my house do you know about this yeah after the super bowl pat's moving in content mill is on all right next year's a big

year for everyone who's excited about chubby behemoth or its brand of products somebody was saying you're not wide enough for wide world i said well he's wide for the next several seasons that will come out yeah until 2029 i'll still be fat online don't worry and then maybe by the time we shoot again you're big again columbus ohio the funny bone it's the thursday january 8th i need all of you guys i need to drag grandma out all right if someone just died in your house get that credit card before you get the pills buy out the room because i need to show them that sam t can do business and the funny bones And then when I'm in a fucking helium, if you see me at a helium, you show up, all right? And you stand by and stand back.

All right, proud boy? Because we're going to activate. These heliums need to be jammed down their throat. I need our collective dick to be the exact circumference of these clubs to show them that Sam T's not fucking around. And Lund's also there too, not fucking around. So enough of that intense thing. But I'm fired up. I've got this big web of tangled plots and plans and schemes,

and I'm going to inferral next year. Project mayhem. Pretty much. But if... Project they, them. Nice. Yeah. All right.

Lund? What do you got? Well, that certainly wasn't very boring. Year of the motherfucker. Most debit cards are boring and don't give you any benefits. But Cashap just released a new status program for the way people actually spend called Cash App Green. You're taking your belt up.

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Visit Cash.app slash legal slash podcast for full disclosures. Cash app. Hey, here's what I'm thinking. Let me whip you a little bit with this. Come on. It'll be fun. Why don't you read that so that you can't keep messing with your belt that you just took off? Come on, man. It's fun.

Put it around my neck while I read this one. Now we're talking. This thing. Oh, you know. Yeah, it's perfect. Yeah. You're not going to need your trusty belt in that very flimsy shower rod. No.

When you're in bed like we are, you want to know you're going to perform. Bed friends. I'd like to know you're going to perform. for him when you get into bed that would be a miracle if i got hard for you if you said get hard and i did we'd both freak out that would make the papers hey get hard yeah i'll tell you it's real hard i'm like whoa it's like nine inches hard you're like popping rings Like you're stacking cups. Hymns gives you access to straightforward ED support.

Designed entirely around your needs. Get personalized prescription treatment options for ED. HIMS offers trusted generics that costs 95% less than brand names. That's pretty sick, man. Practically free. Hymns also has in-house products, and they can help you be in. in her producer that's what's written here try hard mince and sex rx plus climax control damn climax control it's cruise control for your wang yeah you don't have to think you just put

you just put Thursday night football on the night away drive 86 with 100% online access to treatment plans hymns brings you expert care right to you that's great I love hymns man I I Actually, I got the hair pills when I was going bald and the boner pills when I was going bonerless. And I mixed them up. And, uh, God. Your hair was really stiff. No, my, I grew a bunch of cock on my hair. Hair on my cock.

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which the fb a not approve or verify for safety effectiveness or quality prescription required see website for details restrictions and important safety information yeah i'm i mean i have a bachelor's in psychology and i say hymns is pretty cool yeah you tried to swing your bachelor's in psychology dick on me earlier. No. Yeah, remember? That wasn't real. What were we talking about?

It was something very mundane. Simple. How many terms FDR served? Four. Yeah, you gotta stop doing that joke. Well, I could say four. It's the same thing.

And also, I'm not gonna, because who cares? FDR got voted in for four and then died? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can still just say because he made it at least three terms. We voted on two and it died.

Not exactly three terms. No, look what I'm going to do is I'm going to tell the joke and I'm going to go like this after I say it and then I'm going to pick up the stool and I'm going to pretend it's a phone and I'm going to say it's for you and I'm going to hit the guy in the second row over the head with it. We just talked about how you raised a stool at that Tobias show way back when that picture you shared was funny because we said you were skinny.

You're kind of a smaller guy then. And I don't remember that. Probably, like, 240 in that picture? No. Probably. Smaller than you are now. Yeah, I mean, I was broke. Huh.

I told you, I had to get my Bronco 100s and a gram of weed for $10 every day. That's what I was up to. Endo. I didn't want that stress. And you save money by not having very many clothes to wash. Whenever I look at old pictures of me from, like, 18 to 20. I'm like, what, whose clothes were those? What are any of the clothes that I'm wearing in this?

It's usually like a denim shirt that has a charter school logo on it. You'd win them in a drinking contest or how many terms did a president serve? Right. Or like a trophy from a victim. You used to be good at those. Yeah, yeah. Or yeah, you'd sleep with someone and then they would have like a guy's shirt and you'd be like, this is mine now and they'd be like, take it, stud. Yeah. You're the man. You're like, yeah, my uncle died in that. shirt you stunk in a good way yeah my uncle tied in those pants i'll love him hopefully he wears

me in my bed they're 40 30s or ideally 42 28 would be sick oh it's it is funny to go you're 42 26 no no you're a little guy uh sometimes 30s pretty dude i hope you lose 100 pounds you're gonna be so fucking small and strange your head's gonna be a normo yeah i can't can't do that. Yeah, you do. No, I can't get that for. And then Crete, she'll be like, hey, little guy. Gross. Yeah, she'll be like, pass. No. Okay. She already said pass. Yeah. I don't know what she wants. Yeah. Uh, oh, the pants sizes at the store can be so funny. Because, like, who knows what got dropped off. And yeah, so there was some good ones where I'm just grabbing whatever, according to the tag. A 52. 52. Yeah. Yeah. I mean,

There was something that was real bit. It was like, what was it? It was like 48, 36. And I was like, well, yeah. Who's that for? Paul Bunyan? Big Van Vader? Fake guy, yeah.

Did Ben, Van Bigelow die in these jeans? But, yeah, these were good. Earthquake. It's nice to have some stuff. You should get the earthquake brand pants. You have to wear typhoons. It's nice to have some. thing be too big on you now and then it doesn't happen a lot when we go to these fucking

l l. L.L. beans or whatever. I bought those fucking Becker pants Thanksgiving weekend. Oh yeah, houndstooth. Houndstooth pants. I got gassed up at Cherry Creek Mall by my sister and a handsome young man and they were like, oh my God, those are great. So I tried to wear them at home and Emily was like, what are those and I was like oh I got these pants in Cherry Creek and she was like in Cherry Creek and I was like yeah and she's like those aren't secondhand pants your dad didn't give you those pants or like you know you found them at a graveyard like she was completely blown away Chevelle was the first thing that came up on your Instagram yeah they're touring wow that was a tour that was a tour poster and then I made the mistake of telling her

the truth that they cost a hundred dollars and she was like no Samuel, and she called Sophie. Huh. It sucks. I just wanted to shout out. I wanted to find Noah's last name, damn it. Noah Reynolds. Noah Koppfer.

Oh, Koffer. Hosting for us. You guys got to go see Noah Koppfer, man. Anytime you get a chance, he does this great bit. You know, black people are like this. He uses some words I don't use, but, you know, he makes it eloquent.

Did you see the guy that looked like Luigi Menjione? Uh-huh. He said he, never gotten it before they didn't really look like him too much he looked like him he just had big eyebrows no he looked like him you son of a bitch no a copfer agreed with me yeah because he wants he wants to open for you he's obsessed with you he's making moves he's driving signed he's driving back from la every night yeah yeah somebody drives him he's taken care of he signed a deaf jam yeah he's a big deal no shug night shook him on a window oh and then did you watch the diddy docket

the thing. It's so awesome. 50 cent made it and you can tell that he just did it like vindictively. It's a real hit piece. He's the one that bought out jaw rule. Yeah, he's the man. I'm a big 50 guy. And I'm not saying that 50 cent is

you know right for editorializing this documentary but I do love for blasting him. Oh dude. It's like any little bit of slime that he could collect. He really got Diddy and oh boy what a bad what a bad guy this was and like they didn't even get into like the real lured

shit because they can't out like all of the you know Epstein-esque shit that he was up to but I've heard some boy howdy without a whole big timeline I listened to some telling of like one random encounter a lady had and it sounded awful he just had a bunch of people that could just kind of make whatever happened that he needed to happen and there was a remote involved a TV remote like a big remote

that maybe was put where not in the drawer where it's supposed to be no I think his move was oh this thing's out of batteries or whatever and then puts it in somebody and then it works because I got charged this

yeah there were batteries in it but anyway oh god there was a guy who's in there who was a jigolo and a male escort who got hired while he's talking to the camera yeah he's like hey man multitasking it's grinding it's grind culture right what were you saying he holds it in he's just holding it in his forehead's getting bigger and bigger as he's banging but yeah i knew sean but yeah what was it siara was that the name of Russell Wilson's?

No, I can't remember. It was some raptress that was married to Diddy and they would fly this guy in to bang her. Not Faith Hill. No, and then he would... And then he would bang her

in front of Diddy and then Diddy would be like, you're doing it wrong? And then like come over and like show him how to do it. Grab them on. And then the guy would be like, hey man, you better put that remote down.

No, and then then he would bang Diddy. Like he was banging this guy. guy just he had the craziest life his job was to get flown in to have sex with diddy and his wife on her birthday like in miami or milan or they were just always flying him in and they'd have to fuck for two days yankees have a big win just saying they'd celebrate all kinds of things by flying them out the casarito's back dr pib vanilla is coming out soon Not even out.

They were nude always sunny. You got to come fuck my wife. Yeah. So this guy would just like go back to his house and then he'd get the call and they'd have to, you know, go to Antarctica to have sex with a bunch of people for days straight. Damn. They had to bang for days and days. And he wasn't allowed to bust. He couldn't bust.

No, he would bust all the time, but he kept getting hard, he said. He said that was kind of my thing. you get hard yeah be hard stay hard of me yeah yeah that's not a job never getting hard yeah the opposite of ditty somebody who's not uh super or in not super sexual but still wants a lot of the crazy party allure and then you would hate the crazy party allure though but they would fly you to milan and not have sex with them and then still instead of going to like the fashion show you just be in the room Yeah, we just watch TV.

Yeah. Play yachtsie. On your phone. Settlers a good tan. Not even against people, but first the computer and you're losing. You're getting mad. Did he's like, well, man, why you take some of his Molly? Come fuck me and my wife.

No. You're like, no, no, I got my own thing. Oh, yeah, they get so depraved. Sometimes they call the jigolo. Sometimes they call me. And so, yeah, I'm not supposed to do anything. What are you, the juggalo? They try to get me.

You're the jiggle load. And they're like, no matter what, do not get into it. I'm like, don't worry. No problem. There's all banging in here. You're like, I'm going to take a dump. You're like, you don't even dump. You just sit in there on your phones.

You don't have to watch us having sex. You're like, hey, I asked if you needed the shower. fucking prove it prove it come check oh I said I had diarrhea but I did the P.F. Chang's joke and I was like I have diarrhea

and the guy that was the worst went prove it he'll prove it yeah he had some good stuff it wasn't all bad good stuff some of it was pretty good no

no it was really bad but I didn't know what to say to you at the handoff oh yeah that would have because I don't I can't just say well I guess sometimes they're animal

They're beasts. They're frothing. It's fine if I say, God is dead out there. There's one guy that sucks. But, yeah, they, it seemed like they were all just like bound to get drunker and louder. And that didn't really happen, but that one guy was just, whew. They came in.

He was relentless. They came in like a wrecking ball. And I was Miley Cyrus riding them. Those young bullies up front, potential bullies. They were cool. But like, they must have been, were they high. mind i don't know okay because i don't know that could be a whole phenomenon if all of a sudden we're seeing patrick mahomes haircuts dude this hive mind phenomenon is strange and now that

patrick's moving there he's going to intern i think we're all going to be collabing a lot with those young men cool have you seen begonia no oh dude might be the movie the year i will watch it uh i can i can watch that okay all right hassan hasan shared his like catalog with me and it's a bunch of good stuff nice that's in there okay and then like every godzilla like too many godzillas too many uh james bond films i need to watch a new james bond no well yeah i guess maybe some of the old ones are fun i never liked them apparently those books are awesome and the if like i don't know People like Brasnan and Craig. So how many movies are those?

I love Brasen. But did they do like three each or what? I think Brawis. He did Gold and I and the spy who shagged me. He did the video game. Yeah, he did that video game that we played. The movie based on the video game based on the book. Right.

Based on the song. Golden eyes are made of gold. You know what I want to start doing in my 40s? I want to sing a song sincerely in front of a crowd That's so old school I know But I have a good

I have a rich I can create a rich Full voice And I would really like To belt one Not at like Skangfest either I want to do it like

I thought you meant like to close the show No like at a jazz club You're saying a one-off I want to go up wearing like long gloves And a big pillbox hat Nice dress Are you a lady on a piano? it doesn't matter my gender in this what i am is singing

yeah i want to walk into like a jazz bar and be like hey bar keep a sassafras on ice and they're like what i take my glove off and slap him with it like what what are you a duck quack quack boys do you have anything in drop d they're like tuning

like what all right i'll take it from here boys clang glang on the piano no what did you really want to do I'd like to sing a song this felt like a real thing and then you said gloves or whatever well I have a nice OJ gloves

voice and I just feel like I share it with the world but I don't like the idea of being a guy who sings here's my thing is I have recently come to terms with the fact that I do already shit I loath to ever I had to explain to Emily well let's not even get into that

okay I had to explain to Emily what folk art was and I was like yeah it's kind of like what I do like I like make a bunch of shit and then like you know I'm not like a trained artist and I like you know just kind of make stuff because I like it's a nice creative outlet and she was like whoa you just call yourself an artist

you never do that and I was like well I'm not an artist like I'm like an outsider artist I'm like Daniel Johnston she's like who's that and I explain she's like well you know about that guy that's what an artist would know about and I was like fuck so anyway I think in order to express myself fully I need to sing a song on stage. We should find that song, Girls, that I sing in fourth grade. Do it together?

No, just you. No, me and you. Duet. We get two pairs of big gloves. They're both up there back to back. Like, in parasols. What sucks is I've tried to, like years ago, I tried to find that song. Oh, Tondrick wrote it for sure.

But I don't know. It was a Tondriks. drink join. Whoa. Yeah. Yeah, you got you up there dancing about girls. What do you think when you went to the teacher, you were like, I should have the solo. And he's like, you're going to have whatever you won, honey. Just keep moving.

No, it's just impossible. Like, I'm pretty sure the song is called girls. And so that's not helpful to say song, girls. Girl song. So I don't know. Have you ever searched Girls, Nathan Lund version? you think that's online Nathan's version

I re-record it so that I can control it so then it's mine and it's just that song yeah 100% you never got any money before you're still not getting any money

you don't own the rights you get sued by the estate of the girl guy leena dunham gets your ass beastie boys the two beastie boys

just fuck me up right you're on stage the beastie boys stone colds music hits they come in kick your ass I join in they make me the third guy

I'm gonna be who died MCA yeah I got to be MCA shit oh man uh

yep get my tit out of the way what leave me alone hey come on I'm falling off the bed I know get over here no it's a precarious true I'm a little guy

no it's not you it's this I wanted it in the middle but it wouldn't go into the middle and it was this was a backfire you're suffering for your art I'm an artist I'm a sandwich artist

I'm a sandwich fartist I am an artist, though. I do art-y stuff. I write books. I play drums. I do art stuff. I don't know. I mean, that sounds so self-satisfied, so smug.

I'm an artist. No, no. There's a huge difference between being one and then realizing that you are. And then the other, the shitty thing, which is throwing it around all the time as an artist. Oh, God. All of that. Here's the big thing. You don't do that.

All these motherfuckers get online. And they, like, are in their, there's the white studios with all their shelves and their file drawers. And they have, like, the messy desk. And they make content about the fucking art they make. And then they don't make any art because they get the same fix. It's like when you're like, oh, I'm writing a book. And you tell someone about your book. Then you never write it because you get the same hit of serotonin and dopamine.

So it's like, quit posing. Quit fucking living the life. Oh, I like quiet, like, lofi. Like, you know, I want to live in a fucking coffee shop and then go to my life. loft and paint. It's like, then do that and get offline and quit making content about your fucking art you don't make. I hate it.

I hate it. And then, like, real people who, like, are trying to, like, make shit, like, crafting and, like, being creative, making art. It's like, then they're just buried because they're not the pick me bullshit that's online. Oh, sure. There's a very slick way to market your video, your presence, and it has nothing to do with the quality of the art.

It's like all they want, and then they don't actually make anything. And then they do their fucking art reveals. It's like, this is how I paid my rent this month. And it's like a single circle with like a bunch of fucking thick. Like, uh, there's, it's just, I hate it. I hate this whole posuer. Oh my God. We're fucking artists.

Look how cool we are. It's like, shut the fuck up and make something. Don't even anything good. Make one thing. Yeah, it's too bad. There's a million people doing, like gumming it up. And then how many people that would truly be great don't get the opportunity because just. I bought a painting today.

Whoa. That Chris O'Connor's lady. Yeah, yeah. She's doing that Chris Farley. I saw that. I was thinking about getting that for you. Yeah, you should. Like I got the norm and I got you Costanza.

I'll tell her that you're going to buy it instead. You haven't bought it yet? Well, I got the price on it. How much is that? Well, you're going to get it, right? I was going to get it. I told you how much I owe the IRS. Why don't you?

I shouldn't have told you that. Oh, I'm glad you did. Yeah, I had a dream last night my tooth fell out. And then I was like, huh, why am I having a stress stream? Oh, that's why I have, that's why I said I have a bachelor's in psychology. Yeah. And I said, hey, I read the far side. Yeah, that was good.

Yeah. That was funny. Yeah. Geez. God, tooth. And it was crazy. It was like I had a little tooth and it came out. You go up, it was 2.30 in the morning.

I showed my sister. Great joke. I showed my sister and was like, what the heck? Yeah. She's like, yeah. She ate it. Yeah. oh dude i don't know if we talked about this last time because you weren't here last time which we

figured out yeah san diego but man me and sharpie went to get pizza at like two a m here because it was the only thing that was open and there was just like four or five rude teenagers yeah rude boys sitting outside eating pizza only style locals only in the pizza place and just being mean to plus size women as they walked about the night hey we were we body shamed up front Well, I know, but... Now the new generation sees us, and they're like, that's what people do. There's nothing like a 15-year-old being mean to you about your body. It's insane.

They're good at it. They don't need us. One of them said it to a lady, take it easy on the sidewalk. Yeah. I mean, these were women who were ready for their night out at Saturday night in San Diego. They're all dolled up. They're practically nude. Yeah, they're effectively nude.

And then some, like, 14-year-old. skateboard kids yeah yeah yeah yeah then what are you gonna do talk to that could be like hey you need to knock it off no you're stepping up to five 15 year old boys who've been they're unstop training yeah they're impenetrable you you can't hit them really you can't hit them not first and what they're just going to eviscerate you they're going to destroy you think that hurt that was nothing yeah they got a skateboard they can smack you with well even if the physical violence I'm just saying verbal barbs yes well that was her name too they're never gonna die so they can yeah just unleash hell yeah

god bless them truly null at the bone uh i meant to shout out the damn patreon earlier and then didn't because you had your whole call to action hey man the year of the motherfucker the year of the motherfucker next year i'm serious dude we're gonna turn that

youtube just the money valve on we're gonna make nonstop good shit put it out once a week pat's living in the house i'm fucking hey pat yeah pat you want your egg salad sandwich pat's get pat's getting whipped i need a wide world rome episode one i'm gonna whip his ass i told them i was like dude if you move in you can't be a pussy like there's no pussies next year we need to work really hard for one more year and then maybe one of us won't have to be on the road a hundred weekends a year you know so yeah you're the motherfucker kicks in. You're starting

off the year of the motherfucker at Sisyphus Brewing. No. Yes. That's this year. Oh, well I'm going to be in Maine too. And oh, Orlando. I added a show with Shaw Smith and Orlando on like June 3rd or 4th. June.

Sorry, January. I'm tired. I woke up 36 hours ago. Five hour fly. Yeah, it's what time is it here? I was on an airplane for five hours today. I didn't even leave America. I slept in here all day waiting for you

and luckily you had a big ball of reserve energy to carry here at the end tell them about you get the Patreon 26 and 27th will be very we'll be very fun

January 2nd and 3rd I'm doing Rapid Cities West River Comedy Club that will be fun Cincinnati Seattle Portland Albuquerque Dallas Fort Worth helium Portland Punch up live

Sam Talon get your tickets Join the Patreon. Bye, say my toes. Tell your friends if you like us. Or else. I'm going to get the hiccups again. No. Whenever I sit forward, I get them.

That's a wrap.