Chubby Behemoth - The Joe Rogan Experience Experience

Episode Date: April 14, 2023

Extra episodes at Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   The Only Brave Man. Psychogenic Honey. Peeking.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth  

so now we're recording yeah all right we're recording at my friend's house his name's landon first name charles but he goes by his middle name his son has big opinions on where you should hide during flash floods and tornadoes get Get in the tub. Come on, Jack. That's where you go. Yeah, I know. Oh. You were telling him to go in the basement during a flood. Yeah, because I wanted to get rid of him.

One less kid. Yeah, one less child. You think you would get the snacks? I know. I could have the snacks right now even if he was alive. That's what I'm saying. You don't have to kill him, but you want to. I didn't have to kill him off, but here we are.

This is mine. Yeah. Yours is far away. You don't have to kill them, but you want to. I didn't have to kill them off, but here we are. This is mine. Yeah. Yours is far away. This episode brought to you by Topo Chico and Topo Chico Lime.

We can't do fake ads because we're going to start doing real ads next week. This isn't fake. I love Topo Chico. You know what? Know what I love? Farting on my friend's stuff. Yeah. I went to high school with that guy.

He's one of my oldest friends. We should start. We should fire it up. What? We should do the pod. I thought we were. Oh, okay. Here we go.

That reeks. What? That reeks. Okay. Leave it in. Uh-oh. I'm not going to be able to stay here anymore. Yeah, because you ate all the boys' snacks.

I had one bag of pop tarts bites this episode box brought to you by pop tarts bites pop them in just because becker can't be here doesn't mean someone can't be a piggish glutton in a stranger's home i had one bag and what did i have you had i had an easter egg an easter egg You made a mess. I know. I threw it away. I did too. You sneezed and the eggshell went everywhere. Yeah. And during your mouth.

You love the shell. It's good for your coat. Hey, everybody. Look at us. It's the men whose breasts are visible. Will we or won't we? This is Lund's classic setup where he says, I got it all figured out. And then that means that we're in a room that's 120 degrees.

Shut up. You had a sweatshirt on. It's nice in here. It's not nice in here. There's something going on with the house. It smells terrible in here. It's haunted by somebody who is always chilly. And so it's like set at 82. When Landon had his house in Henderson out of college,

he kept it at like 60. It was freezing. All of our lady friends hated being in there. And we were like, fine, go. We're going to play Madden and get stoned and probably wrestle. But I know why he had it turned low when the ladies came over. It's a dog party. Quit looking into the camera when you're ready.

I'm looking at myself. I'm a fan. I'm a Lund guy. Yeah. Guess what? That's a dying breed now that you did Joe Rogan. I'm a fan. I'm a Lund guy. Yeah. Guess what? That's a dying breed. Now that you did Joe Rogan. Yes, I know.

The era of Lund guys has come to an end. All the Dr. Drew heads are going to be following on the wave of the Rogan experience heads. The low tier is Lund guys because you have low T. That's the lowest tier. And the Becker backers are right here. There's a bunch of people who are white but wish they were black. And then, Sam T Nation, worldwide, into interstellar space now. Yeah.

So I need you guys to know your place, because I'm the only brave man in America. Nicely done. I made you proud, even though you didn't listen to it, of course, just like you didn't read my book. I read your book. It was fine. How many years later did you read it?

I thought you needed me to give you feedback and you're like, no, I don't need anything from you. And I was like, all right, well, then I'll take my time. You thought it was a feed bag. You would have eaten it. I had to do other stuff. I had to watch Always Sunny for the 12th time. Yeah, you had to beat Assassin's Creed. You better not.

There's a smoke detector right above you. I'm friends with Joe. There's no reason. Did you have a cigar with him? Uh-huh. Did you cough? No, but it didn't stay lit. I had to relight it nine times.

It was a Joe Rogan branded cigar with his face on the band. Joe Rogan cigar. Yeah, I know about it. Yeah. He made Jamie bite it off with his teeth. That's how he clipped it i used to like the guy that would go on there and talk about his experiences with ufos and not the main guy the other guy art bell no was there a third guy he's very like square and was like flying jets

in the navy so he'd be on an aircraft carrier in the middle of nowhere yeah he would sing that song i don't think he sang man no no he was not yeah i'm not banging dudes he had in the navy he had hardly any charisma he was very square but it made me yeah i know you're all charisma and fucking round as hell cult of personality you're smoking a square uh but i liked the fact that he was square and didn't seem crazy at all made me think that ufos are real that they're out there and this was years ago i'd watch those clips how many years ago i don't know probably 10 20 years ago no no yeah when he was still on angelflyer here's's the thing. We talked about UFOs in 2023. Yeah.

Rogan talks about four things. Yeah. And we covered all the bases. Yeah. We talked about hornets. We talked about UFC. We talked about trans people. Are they gross?

Are they not? And we talked about comedy and how there's only a thousand comedians and how I'm in the top 10 of them all. He said that. He said that off mic. And then Jamie went. He was going off of that list that Matt Broussard made. Who used to make that list that was made up?

Zach Broussard. That sounds right. Yeah. You were never on there. No, I didn't tweet enough. I was on there all the time yeah but it was also made up not to me it's still real to me damn it you took it as power it was in my bio yeah yeah dude i did rogan and uh i stood up for uh for the malign the

marginalized i keep shaking the desk i don't know he told lennon told me not to lean on it and then i immediately i'm like getting cozy they were both at a standing desk right now in an unnamed neighborhood in central park colorado i'm gonna stand at attention yeah me too what's the right way i think that's right i think your hands go they point at your eyebrow ring where your eyebrow ring was before you enlisted. Yeah, exactly. Before you had to get rid of anything that was you. Yeah, you're actually standing like this because you're covering up that little stripe you put in your eyebrow when you went to the Dominican barber before you shipped out. Yeah, at the quinceanera.

Free fades. Yeah, your wife's quinceanera. Whoa. Uh-oh. Sweet spot. Oh, no. That's a cradle. That's a cradle. That's a cradle that you're rocking.

Yeah, that the child's 31-year-old grandmother's rocking while you're away. Here we go. You also did Dr. Drew Pinsky's podcast. So we're going to just move on from Rogan. Let's talk about Rogan for an hour. This is a three-hour pod, so we've got time. Yeah, I mean, hey. What else do you want to say about Rogan? When you do Rogan, I will not stop you from talking about it as long as you'd like.

Proceed. I'm more of a Loveline guy. So am I. I'm more of a Corolla head than a Rogan. Well, guess who's doing Corolla in July. Yeesh. What do you mean?

Yeesh. He sucks. You're like, I love Corolla. He's the greatest. No, I said I loved Loveline when I was 17. Because Corolla rules.

He was very funny. Yeah. And it was also cool to hear him and dr drew i was like if you were 17 i was nine uh no i was like 13 or 14 listening to that and they'd be like okay we have a caller her name is sharice she's calling him from riadondo california and she said she can't quit giving head yeah she said her boobs are too big yeah yeah and i'd be at work just being like fuck yeah i'd be, hey, what's your exact address? Dr. Drew, hook up a little homie.

13. Yeah. Yeah, no, it was great. Corolla was funny. Now he's old and dumb. He doesn't know what he's talking about. So tell him I said hey. I won't.

I will not say Lun says hi. Lun says gross. What if Corolla's like, I'm more of a Lun guy anyway. That'd be cool. Yeah, you'd be like, you are the Gross. I'm more of a Lun guy anyway. That'd be cool. Yeah, you'd be like, you are the best. I love you. He can Venmo me whenever he wants. Rogan did not pay me to be on his show.

Is that free? Yeah. Wow. There's some perks. Yeah, I know. You're getting called all kinds of things. A bunch of people with Punisher abbies. Yeah, a bunch of basement dwellers.

There's no flood, but they're in the basement. Yes, we have the numbers on that. 26 million, alleged, by young Jamie. That's you falling off of a cliff. Dude, I've just been spinning through space for the last 24 hours. How many people listen to Dr. Drew? Oh, we can't talk about it until hour three. We're not doing three hours.

But it's got to be big. We're doing 59-59 on here, all right? I don't want to talk to you for a minute longer than I have to. We're hanging doing three hours. But it's got to be big. We're doing 59-59 on here, all right? I don't want to talk to you for a minute longer than I have to. We're hanging out all night. We know we are. We should have been hanging out for a half hour longer. No, come on. I forgot about it.

Oh, dude, you dipshit. Talk about Rogan, not about me being an idiot. No, no, let's talk about your slights. That sucks. When you left your friend, who literally needed a friend after being in the abyss for the last 48 hours. The abyss of popularity and stardom. Yeah.

And worldwide love. Yeah. Yeah. Everybody suck on your dick. You need me to be like, hmm, it smells good, Danny. I like everybody's saliva. You're like the only person I want to talk to right now face to face. Besides my wife.

I want to talk to her ass to face. Dude, that picture. chill what what do you mean what what i didn't do anything shut up so lon blew it and did not pick me up from the airport on time i told him i land at three and then i texted him at 304 and said waiting for my bag. And where were you? No. This is what happened. Okay, please. Excuse your actions. You said, well, no, no. I blew it. But you said you got in at 3. I went and saw

our friend Janae Burris. Yeah. And we were hanging out and I was right by the 70. So I thought, alright. It'll take me 20 minutes to get there. He'll tell me when he lands. I'll have that time while you land. get off the plane, go get your bag. Instead of just being there at 3 when I said I was going to be out of the plane. Well, yeah, I didn't want to have to jack it outside of the airport for 12 minutes.

Oh, you didn't want to look at your phone and chew your nails near an airport? What's your favorite thing to do? I like to pick them now more than chew them. Oh, yeah? Why? Because of COVID? Because of COVID, yeah. It kind of helped me kick the habit.

I doubled down. Chewed them all. After Rogan, that's what I learned. If you have an unpopular opinion, just dig deeper. You sharpen your nails into spikes. Yeah. So you can fight for toilet paper and water at Costco. So, yeah, I was at Janae's.

I knew I needed to leave, but we were having a nice chat. And then when you said, waiting for my bags, I was like, no, I was hoping I would get a text when you landed. Not saying that you should have done that. Good, because I shouldn't have. I was in the wrong. I leave and then there's awful traffic because New Denver. Making up excuses. Nice.

Well, no, that made it worse. And I was so like in a hurry, distracted, like, you know, knowing that I'm blowing it. You were thinking of cool things you wanted to say. I blew it again. What am I going to say when I see him? More like bro-jogging. So I miss the turn to go to the arrivals and pick and departures section where you were and had to do a fucking lap. So that was an extra seven minutes. I was furious. I was alone and lost and afraid.

You had a bunch of people saying, hey, did I hear you on Joe Rogan and Dr. Drew? And you were like, hell yeah, brother. You were signing autographs and pushing people away with a stick. Bro, I got recognized a bunch at the Austin airport. Damn. From the shows

no from rogan from rogan from the biggest platform in the world that's filmed 10 minutes away i know but it hadn't been out that long it doesn't matter when you were at the airport yeah people were like hey you were on rogan i was like yeah and they're like you think trans women are hot and i was like some of them are that's the only thing that i said that I disagree with, that I regret, is saying that Dylan was hot. Because I looked into it and she looks like Quagmire. All right? So, I'm sorry. Quagmire's hot.

No, Quagmire's not hot. Quagmire's horny and that's why you think that he's hot. Because he's getting laid all the time. He's a pilot. That's pretty good money. It is, yeah. Big jaw. Six figures.

Yeah. So, look, Dylan, I wish you well. And there are plenty of trans women that I would let slurp my gwarp. All right? Have you seen the trans technology? They got heavy hangers now. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've told you.

Yeah, I know. You love it. You whack it to it all the time. There's some pretty cool Pornhub clips that you can get into. Yeah. Make it seem like an accident you're tricked yeah no not tricked yeah that's another goddamn trope nobody's tricking me i know what i'm doing i told you what's better if you want uh to watch two people having sex do you want a dude in there

not really but you need a dick right so what if one of the ladies has a dick damn pretty cool heavy hangers you got four of them yeah makeup they probably smell nice 100 of the people in the scene yeah also where's the dick oh it's right there there's a little glitter on it sick a lady with a dick finally a girl you can trust that's right yeah yeah throw a baseball uh-huh yeah when you're done getting plowed yeah when she's done coring you out yeah yeah get in my hole uh so yeah nicely done also yeah you made it sound like everybody was gorgeous and then you got attacked but it's hard to nail everything with a bunch of nuance and get into it when i I saw one picture of Dylan and I was like, well,

nothing wrong there. Kind of like a Audrey Hepburn thing going on a little. That's what I've seen. Several pictures where she's very pretty. And then I saw a video where her giant quagmire chin was barely shaven. And Oh no. What do you mean? Oh no.

I'm not allowed to have things i'm into and not into you don't have to but you you can't say i didn't like these pictures of her therefore she's butt ugly that's not true either i didn't you're the one projecting get some nuance in there no why don't you shave you look like shit i look cool man i wouldn't even let you slurp my gorp at this point guess what either shave get rid of those chops i'm sick of the chops i'd be like hey lun uh i have a i'm gonna slurp your gorp at three and you'd be like okay tell me when your mouth is open 332 yeah furious with myself i thought you were gonna be mad because you when i told you traffic sucks it's gonna be another 15 and you went oh good i was like oh no yeah he's fuming well you know

what i knew you were pissed and i'm not to fucking put any goddamn kerosene on the fire that is Lund. You knew I was beating myself up. I do love to make you madder. That is a fun pastime for me. But in this instance where I just need someone to hold me and wrap me in like a storm blanket. Slurp your gorp. Yeah. No one slurp my gorp.

Instead I got you wearing Crocs bragging about free swim trunks you got. Free Crocs too. Yeah. Thanks to Lighthouse Ranch. This episode brought to you by the new Thousand Island from Lighthouse. Why isn't Lighthouse giving us money? They give me money for the commercials. Why don't they sponsor our pod?

I don't know if I want them to hear the pod. I don't care if they listen. I'll talk about the many merits of Lighthouse Ranch. You can dip anything in there. Spiders. Your gorp. Trans cock. That's right. You can dip anything in there. Spiders. Your gorp. Trans cock. That's right.

Yeah. Take the edge off. So here's how Rogan works, if you'd like to hear it. Sure, yeah. I think they would like to hear it. I'm sure you don't give a shit. You had to run, jog at dawn with him for four miles. I had to do the presidential fitness test.

Yeah. Give me one chin up, talent. Give me one. Joe, I can't. He put you in the cold bath with him? I wanted to do that. You didn't do it? I did not.

Does he do it at three in the morning probably? Yeah. His schedule must be insane. Yeah. So he wakes up. He bangs his old lady. He eats an elk heart raw. He hops in the ice bath.

Whoa. Yeah. He shoots an arrow directly into the air and then he waits for it to come back down and he catches it with his bare hand whoa yeah um he records eight podcasts and then he goes and does stand-up comedy at his comedy club which is the best it's the fucking greatest i'm sincere in that i know everyone thinks i'm just a liar and i say whatever i need you to chase clout but whatever gets your gorp slorped. Quit saying slorp gorp.

I'm taking it. It's not getting as hard as you think it is. I'm taking it. No, people love it. So I do South by Southwest. All right. Oh, we're going back. Well, they want to know.

Origin story. They want to know. They've been keeping this secret for so long. So he was born in 1996. Joe Rogan? You. No. Premature So he was born in 1996. Joe Rogan? You. No. Premature. I was born in 2001. You were the original Space Odyssey.

Yeah. That's a good joke. Thank you. Yeah. See on this podcast when someone says something funny, we laugh at it. We don't just start talking about ancient aliens. You were getting no sold? Hard, dude. That sucks. He was big-leaguing you. It's okay. it we don't just start talking about ancient aliens you're getting no soul yeah hard that sucks he was big league in you it's okay he so i he i he said hey we should do the podcast i'm leaving the mothership i say you got it joey gets my phone number i text him that sunday i say hey

love to do the pod take you up on it he says can you be here april 11th i said can i so next thing i know i got a first class first class ticket book to old austin cancel my trip to old paris which is on fire. And I would have liked to see it burn. It would have been cool to be over there, I think. Yeah, I know. A little scary. It would have mostly been sick, yeah.

You know what's cooler? 26 million, baby. 26 million. Plus Dr. Drew, which we're not allowed to talk about. Keeping it under wraps. Yeah. The good doctor. So i go out there uh i do something on monday that i'm not allowed to talk about yet and then tuesday i oh the combine yeah i did the combine

actually pulled the combine like a man ox as joe rogan whipped me with a whip made of human skin. Like the judge. Then Tuesday, I wake up. I don't get all tanked on Monday. I have six or seven Miller Lights. Take it easy, you know? Adam E. gets there. He's sitting on my lap. I'm bouncing him, you know?

He's pretty tall, right? Not your height. Is he up there with you? Maybe a little taller than you. You're what? 5'6"? 5'8"? In Crocs. Look at this. 5cs five seven this is what peak performance looks like

everybody yeah look at that hey look at that i'll chop the man look at that i'm wearing my own shirt it's a nightmare hey i'm getting it out there for a dog party dog party they're a band from sacramento but you already knew that because Because you listened to the pod. Where am I? Where am I? God, what are you? I'm everywhere. You're Sugarfoot Leonard.

I'm Chuck Wiles. I had a laryngectomy, goddammit. I love you. Sam was on Rogan. I got a reason to live. I don't listen to Rogan, but I listen to Dr. Drew. It depends on the guest. I'm with Lund.

I like that one guy from the Navy. So I go into Rogan. I'm there at one. I'm sitting there with his five, you know, capable killers who protect him at all times. Nice guys. From Hezbollah? No, not from Hezbollah. Excuse me. Isn't that the little guy? No, that's Hezbollah? No, not from Hezbollah. Excuse me. Isn't that the little guy?

No, that's Hezbollah. Oh, yeah. It'd be funny if you had five Hezbollahs in there. That would be sick. That would rule. They make him look like he's huge. Right, yeah. And protect him.

Uh-huh. And provide a couple of laughs. Yeah. It's really funny to think of Joe Rogan getting attacked at his club and then just five Hasbulla fucking hop on the assailant. Yeah. Just kill him. Like piranha.

Inshallah. Just eat him. Yeah. He's a heavy muzz. Yeah. What? He's like Syrian or something. No, he's from, he's from like Azerbaijan or Kakistan.

I think we've had this exact conversation no you probably had it on your fucking forums you hang out on i think you said that this is deja vu yeah i'm a deja dr drew on your chest took a poo on you he did not poop on me i go in there we sit down hey do you like cigars sam talent yes i do jo I do, Joe Rogan. He lied. Fire it up. Yes, I do. He lied. I'll have a cigar. When? When I'm with an alpha.

When a bigger, tougher boy. When somebody more famous than you asks if you like it. Oh, yeah. God. I have a subscription to Smoker's Cough magazine. Yeah, yeah. They send a cigar every two weeks. I was actually on the cover of Cigar Aficionado Kids as a boy.

I love when daddy busts out the big ones. Give me the clippers. The basement smells good. Does your child still have baby teeth? An at-home cigar cutter. Then we sit down and we start talking. 20 minutes in, what's he say? You know about wasps or something?

You know about bees? I say, do you know about the datura bees that make the psychogenic honey he says i've got some of that i can't do a rogan so it's gonna do putty feels like an arby's night i'd listen whoa that's pretty good it's not bad solid warburton elaine i'm the dick just all of it i've been doing this since i was 13. i do a pretty good buddy yeah that's pretty good not bad

that's my move damn that's the move more of this please you got it hey Jerry like the devils we're broken up

what the fuck dude you didn't know about this killing it no I feel like anytime maybe you've done it once and you're like, I'm the dick. And I was like, yeah, of course.

Just say your own name. A buddy. And then we moved on. No. Olay. George. We're broken up. Whoa.

Yeah. He broke up with George that one time. He did, yeah. During that triad. That polycule. Can't believe they showed them fucking. I can because I was in the writer's room. I was like, this is what people want.

Look, I'm 11. You're 9. Yeah. 9 inches soft. So. All right. So you get blindfolded. You're brought to an undisclosed location.

Yeah, in the Nevada desert. That's where Stone Cold is. His ranch. We got a. You got a Stone Cold, dude. Dude, do you think he'll have me? I mean, come on. He's a Drew guy.

That's the fucking. Hey buddy pipeline what about podcast pipeline oh buddy my guest my guest is here you might have known him from the tick you might have known him from seinfeld it's patrick warburton we're gonna call him buddy it's great to be here steve now i know you don't drink. The beautiful studio you got here. Well, yeah. Thanks for being blindfolded and coming out here. Well, when Rogan asked me to do his podcast, I said, sure. This sucks.

Then wake up here where you are. This sucks because you're doing good. I'm really good at it. Flailing. That's right. This is the podcast in general. I'm drowning. Can't do it.

I got to do Chuck. I got to do Chuck Wilds. What about'm drowning. I can't do it. I gotta do Chuck. I gotta do Chuck Wiles. What about Terry Funk? I don't know. Cactus, you dirty dog. I gotta do... Okay, enough of this. Enough of this.

Terry Funk talks out of one side of his mouth. Cactus, you dirty dog. You low-down scum, Cactus. So yeah, you're smoking a cigar dipped in formaldehyde. He gives me the fucking psychogenic honey. And I know that this honey is a central nervous system suppressant. All right? I know that if you eat it too much.

Also, I talked to the wonton don that day because he was eating this honey in Nepal. And I was like, hey, dude, are you eating that honey? And he said, yeah, I ate one and a half. This is insane kismet. Wonton don hits me up like an hour before the pod. And he's like, yeah, I had one and a half tablespoons of this honey. And I threw up for four hours. So then the honey comes out and he's like, eat it, you bitch.

You know, Rogan's like, hey, why don't you eat it? Eating it would be good. Yeah, we're going to eat it. I was like, all right, Joe. So we fucking take he takes a big ass spoonful i dip it and rip it you pinch fibbed no no i didn't i dipped it in i completely coated the spoon and then ate it with the thinnest layer you could no no i mean you're playing chess i'm 320 pounds okay but you were worried much more of a risk than him cardiovascularly sorry took a

little dip sorry i didn't do it for the gram like you live, you fucking round wad. I'm not saying it was a bad thing to pitch in. You're saying the worst thing to me. I've been called. I've been called. A lot of stuff in the last 24 hours. Oh, yeah. Woo.

Woo. How many G's are in that slur? Too many. You were saying in the car. No. You said all of them in the car. Allegedly. Uh-huh you said one and i said another one you said the worst one no yes dude yeah you said the holocaust didn't

happen yeah because i was agreeing with you that was two peas and happen and they're both for pussy which you've been getting called i wish it was just pussy so i eat that honey and then i gotta hang out there and the honey starts kicking in 20 or 30 minutes in. And then I asked for a Bud Light. I actually asked for a beer. Yeah. And Rogan says, I got a couple Bud Lights. Hey, Jamie, go grab the cold ones.

He brings out four Bud Lights. We crack them. We slurp them. We dump them. I say there is no woke agenda. Strike one. I say that people should be able to live free or die. God forbid.

Strike two. Everyone should feel safe in their identities. You're out of here. Hey, the internet's spoken. I'm going to find you. You're gay. I'm going to send you a bomb in a box. Hey, turns out you're gay.

That's Buddy talking to Kramer. Hey, Kramer, I talked to your mom. Turns out you're gay uh so yeah so how high did you get one to ten dude like how altered were you let me explain this to you please there was an underlying euphoria in giggliness but this is exacerbated by the fact that i'm sitting across a desk made of a redwood carved by some kind of Swedish Viking man. There's a bunch of Dia de los Muertos human skulls painted in festive colors on the table. I'm staring at Joe Rogan in front of a sign that says Joe Rogan news radio.

Yes. While wearing fucking headphones and I can see Joe Rogan talking, but I hear him and this is where the honey came in. I hear him with like a fraction of an exchange between his lips and what i hear like i'm perceptive of that right so this is so surreal dude you're not talking to a person you are talking to the eiffel tower you're talking to mount rushmore statue of liberty you're talking to an idea and you can't kill an idea a national park you can't kill an idea you can't kill me rogan so we're in there

for like three and a half hours and then at the end you know i keep trying to bring it back to my book make a little money i'll be like i wrote a book and he's like did you know that uh women can give birth you know he's really getting the bottom of it you ever get rocked yeah i told a fun story about has fear ever been a factor for you? Yeah. You ever eat a bunch of bull penis? He's just the guy, the pilot from Airplane. Yeah. You ever been on a fake radio show with Andy Dick?

You ever been kicked in the armpit? He kicks you in the armpit. Ow, Joe. Geez, I guess I have. How many legs do you have? What are you, doll sim? Yeah. How'd you get me from there, Saget?

Sagat? I was getting called something that rhymes with that online today. They hope that you die like Bob Saget. Yeah, that's right. Alone in a hotel room. Bumped to death. Your biggest fear. Yeah, well, that's why you come with me.

That's what we share a room. You think it's because I like to fall asleep next to you. Nope. I want someone there for my life alert if it goes off. So we do the pod we're talking about it all what aren't we talking about we covered everything then i go to leave when i go outside and joe's still in there you know doing god knows what and i come out and all of his security guys are very happy and they give me a round of applause and they say wow joe usually doesn't

have a first-time guest in there over three hours usually it's two or two and a half hours so way to go so i felt very good about myself. Yeah. And then I left. Then I went out. I had a little bite to eat. I said, yum yum. What'd you eat?

Me and Adam Egan had tacos. Okay. Yes. Too late for breakfast tacos or what? I don't like breakfast tacos. Okay. They're so stupid. I think that they can be done really well.

They're always soggy. They're always soggy. I'm saying. The egg's always wet. Yeah, I guess. I've be done really well. They're always soggy. They're always soggy. The egg's always wet. Yeah, I guess. I've had some good ones. I couldn't tell you where. You're not a barometer for what tastes good and what doesn't.

You don't know. I do. I've hung out with you. I've seen what you eat. And you're like, oh, my God. Hardee's has a waffle sandwich? Finally. The revolution has come to America.

I've been watching basketball. And they keep showing me ads for the King's Hawaiian sandwiches at Arby's And I was like hmm I know we're going after this No we gotta eat something real good What are we gonna eat? Before the show I don't know

Let's get some fucking Lebanese food Something downtown? Wapapading We're not gonna have a ton of time Oh let's get noodles Can we get noodles please? Whatever you want baby Thank you

I gotta start slurping your gorp so that you don't forget about me. Oh, you're out. You're not going to need most people. You're going to have a small crew and everybody else is going to get the new phone who it is. Yes, men. And yes, they thems. No women. No women.

They're annoying. Yeah, get out of here. You can be non-binary, but if you have them, you're're on board what if i surrounded myself with big titty non-binary people it'd be pretty cool whoa that would be like the dream i'm married to one allegedly emmy's been hiding her dick did that joke on stage behind her on stage people love it that's why you like the mothership i love the mothership. You can do any joke you want there. No one's mad at you. Yeah.

It's cool when a crowd doesn't jump to assumptions about your leanings because you try and tell a joke. It's cool when they laugh at everything and slurp your gorp even if you're full of rage. No, no. It's just cool when comics can perform in front of open-minded crowds who aren't worried about what you're signaling. Yeah, open-minded who are threatening you and Joe with death. They're not threatening me they're at the shows they bought tickets brother i sold out two shows at the comedy mothership i heard they papered it yeah and copies of mind comp joe's out front barking hey come on get in here yeah he's biting he has him on a leash yeah he's biting people rich boss he eats rich boss's hat you gotta do the open palm or, he's biting people. Rich Boss. He eats Rich Boss's hat. You gotta do the open palm

or else he's gonna get ya. Eegit's dog fucking spazzed in that taco place. Anytime someone walked by the window, Eegit brought his dog named Dice. Anytime anyone walked by the window, Dice would be like, Eegit's like, you don't usually do that. You don't really do that very much.

Eegit sounds like putty to me. Everybody's putty yeah that's how in your hands you're a god now no no you're just some asshole yeah i'm just your best friend allegedly yeah i'm just your fucking meal ticket that's how you see me i told you i was gonna coattail your ass yeah i thought it was gonna be you yeah right why couldn't you be the one you're insane no you knew i did not you had the one who said it? You're insane. No, you knew. I did not know. You knew.

I worked harder than everyone else. That's all. Everyone else was lazy and bad. Right. Yeah. And I was lazy and good. You were lazy and good. So you kept me around.

I did. My plan worked. I told you. I told you. I was like, I'm just going to have you do all the shit shows and then bring me when it's time. No, I did some of those shit shows for sure. You did. But man, yeah, you were always gone.

Anyway, so that night I do shows at the mothership. It's very funny. You're always gone. I do fun. I had to learn how to ride a bike by myself. And you forgot pretty quick. You were an Iowa. Dude, you want a bike?

That's hilarious. I could do it. No, you couldn't, dude. I could. Come on. No way. I ride a bike and I can barely do it. I've been on one. God, it's been a while. Yeah, for sure. But I'll bet I could do all right. No, you couldn't, dude. I could. Come on. No way. I ride a bike and I can barely do it. I've been on one.

God, it's been a while. Yeah, for sure. But I'll bet I could do all right. No, dude. Also, I want to say this too. That's why I tell you I don't want to rent one. I don't want to blow it. Yeah, I know.

Because you'll crash it and not be able to pay for it. Yeah. Here's what I want to say. At the end of the podcast, he asked me to plug. And I said, yes. Follow me at Sam Talent. Buy my book. Did I forget to mention? I heard. Oh, I, yes. Follow me at Sam Talent. Buy my book. Did I forget to mention?

Oh, I know. You heard? I heard too. And guess what? Hey, Carlos and Max Ripple, suck my dick. Yeah, Glorpid. Suck my dick. You go on Joe Rogan.

You do that fucking dance with the devil. You try and maintain your integrity on there and not just blindly agree with some things you might not agree with. I'm not saying that he's a monster. It's just we have different ideas. A lot of comics buy in. They just go full on scale. I think Joe respects me because I push back a little bit. That's what he told me.

I don't know. I'll take his word for it. So you know what, Carlos? You know what, Max Ripple? Yeah, I biffed it. But we are different people. And you wouldn't last a world. You wouldn't last a day in my shoes.

All right? We are not the same okay carlos what would your stories have been hey man you ever seen uh a canyon dude he's got some stories you ever surveyed like the land man no i love carlos and i love max that's why it bummed me out when carlos called me a pendejo on my own post. Whoa. You know what that means? Uh, jerkwad. Yeah. It's pretty much the equivalent of what everyone's been calling me in English.

Yeah. Yeah. So you know what? I am sorry. And I felt really bad about it. And I did not need to feel bad about that. Uh, cause I did a good thing for Sam T Nation, the Lund guys. Yeah. It's not going to matter. And Ch uh because i did a good thing for sam t nation the lund guys yeah it's not gonna be chubby behemoth worldwide people are going to fall in love with you look i didn't do it on purpose i know i don't care do you think i care well yeah of course max and carlos care because they want they want a meal ticket yeah i know they want the podcast to blow up so they can be like hey do you need somebody to play the trumpet or survey the area?

And we're going to be like, no, we don't need anybody. We have each other. So, Carlos, don't reach out to me apologizing like you always do, you nasty Mexican. Oh, yeah. Mitch Jones tried to apologize to me because I made it sound like I was mad at him during Lucha Libre and last. I was like, dude, I was kidding. Everything was great. Yeah.

Don't worry. Don't apologize to me, Carlos. Don't apologize to me, Max Ripple. I mean, I'll never forget. Lose never contact hey carlos next time you want to crash at skank fest find someone else's floor to sleep on i'm kidding i hope you stay with me and everyone's excited to see you carlos uh and i love you guys but it hurt my feelings didn't you just do skank fest are they are they bumping it up it was oct. Oh, this time it'll be. Oh. Yeah. They're just announcing. Yeah. Really?

I'm trying to sell tickies. Okay. Yeah. So that was my one qualm with Rogan besides everyone using the F slur at me online. Because I dared to say that an ugly woman was hot. She's not ugly. Dude. Look.

You saw a picture where. I saw a picture where she looked pretty. And then I saw a bunch of other photos because I've been tagged in them. Yeah, from Angelo it's looking for the worst version of her. I'll show you.

Yeah, and I'll bet I'll still get a little bingo. I bet you won't get a big heart for anybody. No tea. I got no tea. I'm all tea, damn it. He's all tea.

Buddy would have low, I think. No. Buddy likes to have sex. I'm rock hard no buddy likes to have sex i'm rock hard i like to have sex in the car i like to get in the hood and say i'm the engine turn me on yeah so anyway i do the show i go and i do shows that night and then i wake up the next day and i have to go to dr drew finally and while i'm at Dr. Drew. I've been waiting. While I'm at Dr. Drew, that's when Logan launches. So I go into Dr. Drew and I have no idea what the internet's clucking about.

The episode drops at noon central. I come out of Dr. Drew around 1.15. My phone is literally hot to the touch. Yeah. Because it hasn't quit vibrating, which is very cool. I'm very grateful for everyone reaching out and saying, you know, we know where you live.

I'll kill you. It's good your mom's dead. So she wouldn't be disappointed by this. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Take that Bud Light can, shove it up your wife's huge ass.

Is this a picture of your wife? Oh yeah. No, Dr. Drew. No dude. Dr. Drew.

I'm on the phone speakerphone with my wife after one leaves me hanging for 40 minutes. Whoops. Yeah, and then we're driving by a women's prison. I was at Del Taco. Yeah. Dude, I know. Quesadilla, taco. Don't lie to me.

Steak or chicken is good. I'm not mad at you. No, I was hanging out with Janae. Cool. Virtue signal. So, anyway. I'm kidding. Gag-ow.

What up? I'm Rashti. Yeah. That's a joke for nobody besides like Josh Blue. I'm kidding I'm rashti yeah that's a joke for nobody besides for you it's all for you Damien so anyway we're driving and I'm on the phone with my wife and Emily's

like oh blah blah blah you know I don't listen to a fucking word of it you know and then you can't see her so why would you listen to her she's not bent over and scrubbing the floor. She was like, I got pulled over. No, she didn't. I know. Yeah.

So anyway. I don't know why I said it either. I don't either. Who cares? So Lun's like, they posted a pretty cool picture of you on the comedy fort. And she's like, you mean my huge ass? And Lun's like, yeah. Yeah, I do.

And I'm like, what is going on here? Lun, you can't just do this. I've never, I've never said hey creatures got rocking milkies yeah you have i have not i've seen your i've seen your wife's vagina why because she was passed out on the porch one time now yes oh i in a dread like a you know a house dress doesn't rock them she doesn't rock undies exactly so i i went outside and i was like oh creatures oh emmy emmy it's a job for you i called sarah b and i called emily and i was like you guys gotta get creatures all the single ladies all the single emily wasn't single she just said she was on her tinder bio so yeah so i do dr drew dr drew and i

just do love line i tell him about how much i loved love line as a kid his new show is just love line people are calling in they're saying i can't get hard i i pre-jack i never rejack yeah oh well we talked about the cyst that i have on my butt because josh potter has the same one and dr drew fucking drained it and then packed it with gauze and we watched that video terrific stuff who's josh potter josh potter's a comic okay um so yeah mean, that was a lot of fun. I leave there and then I'm just fucking deep, deep in the internet, dude. I go have lunch with that Amiga again. Yeah. So then I have to do Chris DiStefano's pod and then I have my two shows that night and

then two more shows. So I do a total of, I did a total of six shows last night, four in the big room, two in the small room. Yeah. And dude, it's just, the internet is wild. True. The human brain is not built for this. It's a lot, yeah.

Do you think about that? If we were comics any time before the internet, how different it would be? It's all like. Yeah, our peers would be funny. One set for 15 years, late night spot means you're like cash and checks for a decade whatever like so different right way less comics uh yeah not everybody gets to like destroy you or make you famous you know just depending on how the algorithm works yeah i'm fine i don't know if you're fine we have no idea if you're fine i'll bet i'm good yeah why don't you get on there fine. We have no idea if you're fine. I'll bet I'm good. Yeah, why don't you get on there? Let's see.

Oh, no. No, it's good. Is it good? This is good, too. That's better? This is good. No, this is good. I sound like I'm around the corner.

Oh, good. Where the fudge is made? You sound like you're up your own ass, which is where you are. I hate you. You're riding high. No, dude. I am riding high. This has been you.

I did Rogan. Sniffing your own farts. Bro, I did it without any help. I didn't have an agent. I didn't have a manager. All I had was my own fucking reputation. Dick and balls. My dick and balls.

No, dude. Just like my wives, they're hidden behind each other. Another thing is actually you did it right when a bunch of people took the shortcuts of the internet. Making funny videos, blah, blah, blah. Following trends. Doing the right thing. Making proper business decisions. You hit the road dog

yeah I got good at stand up which was the dumbest thing to do to be a comedian it was dumb until it wasn't no I mean it's still dumb well I'm saying now that you've reached a certain level it wasn't dumb

I'm glad it worked out I'm glad that I'm in the high castle I'm glad I'm one of the thousand comedians that exists according to Joe Rogan and also Rogi thank you very much I'm super grateful to you I'm super grateful'm one of the thousand comedians that exists, according to Joe Rogan. And also, Rogi, thank you very much. I'm super grateful to you. I'm super grateful to Tim Dillon, Ben Avery, Shane Gillis, everyone who fucking put that work in for me. Thank you, guys.

This rules. They walked so you could run. No, no, no. They fucking ran so I could crawl in on my belly and get covered and crawl through glass. I'm on the most ratio clip in the history of Rogan. yeah that's pretty cool though yeah guess what 1.6 million viewers and worth in 24 hours wow you should be sucking my dick right now i'm gonna only gonna benefit you only me yeah you're so selfless you didn't plug the pod but oh dude it was it's for me it was really hard i don't care you do care no i don't you also

look like rogan's head of security bruce he looks exactly like you only like capable of violence does can he do this probably i didn't dog party dog party yeah dogs are partying hell of a party so i guess down guess we have to do all the... No, you won't. Dude, why not? The club rules. You just do it. Do you know how much sets pay?

Do you know how much the spot pays in the big room? The amount that it should? Your rent? More than a month. No way. One spot. No. Yes, dude.

$8.50. More than that. No, it doesn't. It doesn't make sense. I swear to God. Oh, headlining spot. No. Any spot. Any 15-minute spot in the big room. No. Yes. that no it doesn't it doesn't make sense i swear on our headlining spot no any spot any 15 minute

spot in the big room no yes he has so much money actually it makes sense he doesn't take any money give it away he's so generous it all trickles so they gave me an 80 20 door deal in the fucking small room yeah and their shows just sell out because it's joe rogan's club yeah yeah i was gonna say you could go down there regularly but not as much as if you lived there I could be there every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday even Sundays doing sets getting good in front of great comedy crowds making like 8 racks to 10 racks just for doing sets at a great room

and then go on the road and I could hang out with Rogan all the time and watch him take his shirt off he took his shirt off in front of me I looked at his belly and I went oh my god Joe you got a great bod. And he went, winked at me. You would have to get in shape, though, or else you'd start feeling weird.

I'm in A-shape. You talked about Chris Pierce. Did you talk about me? No, of course not. Hell yeah. You haven't been any kind of positive benefit. I'm glad you got Pierce's name out there. You haven't listened to the F, slap nuts.

Well, you didn't. I'm just saying, you didn't talk about me. That's fine. I didn't. I didn't talk about me. That's fine. I didn't. I didn't talk about anybody. Except for Chris Pierce. I definitely didn't talk about my wife and what she's up to. Mm-hmm.

Yes. You'd be dead already. Yeah, I know. You wouldn't have made it to the airport. I wouldn't have made it out of the lobby. Two of those guys were definitely. Anyway. So, yes.

I've done it. And everyone can no longer ever be mad at me. I am bulletproof now. Well, yeah, I was going to say people could be mad at you, but you won't know. Because they'll be slurping your gorp to try to get some coattail action. No, if anyone's ever like, oh, Sam, he's problematic. I can be like, I'm the man who told rogan that there was no woke agenda and also said that uh that hit bitch dylan was hot and see and that's a quality being able to say that a trans woman is ugly is what they're fighting for all right

what dude what dude i'm just saying dude yeah you are just you're playing srtigo and i'm in the fucking war room right now srtigo is prettyigo is the best good game me and adam egott are like you're you might be on thin ice me you might be number two soon because of egott egott loves me and egott uh you'd love to get dude you would love him okay we got to get him in the mix okay he wants to do the pod yeah we could do that yeah we'll just blast him and do a bunch of norm stuff just have him do it no no when will you be busy i don't know i got stuff yeah yeah what are you gonna do this week nothing oh get into did you see any cool birds did another lighthouse ranch commercial okay see now we're talking got a spray tan thanks to emily at golden hour yeah you got a spray i did you can't tell, but yesterday I was pretty dark.

And I mean, compared to, I mean, I was glowing the dark. I had not seen the sun. But the tan looked good. I did a good job during the shoot. Sammy Enzer and Gabby Gutierrez-Reed were extras. So that was cool. We got to pal around. But they were extra.

Acting extra. Acting out. acting a fool yeah oh and uh at the end of the commercial we were at a you know we were at a pool this crazy house in greenwood village like call the cops when you see my old fucking gross subaru coming through because everybody was fucking so rich down there and we were at this pool all day and I just want to get in it. I'm like dripping sweat. And you have spray tan on. Spray tan. So it's like you're sweating fucking peppermint mochas. Makeup covering my thought criminal tattoo

because it's not Lighthouse Ranch approved. Oh, no. That's why I didn't get the job. Because I have prom on my arm. You have Hezbollah. the job i'm like i have rom on my arm you have hezbollah uh but it'd be funny to get hezbollah tattooed on your belly and your belly button's his mouth you could be like that's to america your belly button's his belly button whoa yeah it's huge but yeah at the end i finally get to jump in and they're like yeah if you could like do a cannonball. And I was like, I'll do a headfirst cannonball.

Yeah. So shout out Conrad Sarnasar. I love Conrad, dude. I don't think he listens anymore, but I stole his move. He was always doing the headfirst cannonball in high school. Why? Because we made fun of him a bunch. He didn't know I jacked off right next to him.

Yeah. In 10th grade. Didn't you like fuck his girlfriend on a couch? No, no. I jacked off next to him while heth grade. Didn't you fuck his girlfriend on a couch? No, I jacked off next to him while he was sleeping. Because his dad had the porn de-scrambler. He had the

free adult channels. They shouldn't have called it the Spice Diver. They should have called it Just Kuman. That would have been good. Nicely done. You would have loved that joke. Can't wait for him to replace me. But yeah, shout out Conrad. Me, Landon, Conrad, Ricky, and RJ were the big click.

And you're doing it, but I'm also doing it. Bro, you're doing it on a scale that is adequate to your skills. I jumped into a pool. So we both had big days. Yeah. You had $20 million. I made a couple grand for getting wet. I didn't get paid for Rogan. Yeah, we'll see.

We'll see. You're about to. When those ads start coming in next week and you guys are pissed. Yeah. Just remember how much fun we used to have. Just skip them. Also, Becker's out, everybody. He gets the new Becker. Yeah, rule okay okay cool really good fucking egott anyway oh yeah you get i was hanging out with tracy uh

greg chaley's wife who works at the mothership oh we were out there down there you know they're down there or what they're down there for sure so anyway shaley's and bisbee and tracy's counting stacks in austin tracy's stacked in austin so she's the bartender she rules she took so much good care of me i love her we're outside she's smoking a cig me and eager eating a slice of pizza and i was like tracy me and adam are new best friends and he's like yeah we are aren't we yeah we are we're best friends I was like wait I heard about what happened to your old best friend

he's a black widow that's his whole thing he's an angel of mercy and that really cracked me and Tracy up and Adam went oh I'm not ready I can't laugh yet I haven't laughed oh god if you have cancer you better fucking tell me bro I'm not doing. I'm not ready. I can't laugh yet. I haven't laughed. Oh, God. If you have cancer, you better fucking tell me, bro.

I'm not doing it. Don't hide it. It's weird. No, that is the coolest way. Because then every time that we hang out after that, guess what? You're pitying me. You're feeling bad. You're not present.

You're a little bitch ass. We cry in the whole fucking time. No, we'd be making the most of it. No, we would still be making the most of it. Because I'd be leaving it being harder if I knew that my time was limited. Why do you think I go so hard? I'd sniff it out hard what do you think i'm doing all this you're dying probably yeah yeah for sure you have a doctor wife figure it out she doesn't help me she doesn't okay yeah well she should she should i know i want to know what about this she doesn't

she doesn't tell you she tells me and then i treat you differently and you don't know why she breaks hepa oh yeah all of a sudden you're on time to pick me up from the airport yeah i start to care yeah yeah i'm like oh shit i gotta quit hanging out with your real friends i gotta get in that will yeah you're not in the will okay you don't have a you are the will you have a way it's actually tattooed on your back you just can't see it prison break style yeah uh what else we exist in a whole new paradigm brother everything's different everything's under the magnifying glass i have tea now you know what that'd be cool it's our tea he's gonna get us on steroids sick yeah that would be sick it's so easy yeah let's get on there yeah cheat code yeah yeah code. Yeah. Yeah. Up, up, down, down.

I've been in the, I mean, Ben Shapiro is talking about it. USA today news week. Everyone's talking about this Rogan cliff, but the Bud light thing, obviously it'll be done in six hours. None of this matters.

People move on to the next thing. It'll be another mass shooting. And for sure. Rogan will be like, well, shooter was trans or whatever. Um, yeah.

You know? So anyway, like, I don't know how people have existed underneath the magnifying glass. I want to think of Shane Gillis. And when he was, like, number one trending on Twitter for four days for getting kicked off SNL. Right. All those eyes and keyboards. Yeah. Respect to Shane.

Crazy. And respect to his L his lund matt for riding with his boy but dude that shit is like i don't know how people put up with this stuff i don't think that i really want to be famous oh yeah and i had barely a taste of anything yeah i think we've talked about how it is yeah people act like it's uh just cashing checks and getting slurped. Right. But, yeah, no, you get a lot of weird attention, hatred, death threats, whatever. You know, people can be super mean. And I'm not even famous. Right. And they think that it's part of it.

Like, you signed up for that. And it's like, no, you really just want to, like, make decent money and make people laugh. Or if you're an actor, you were diddled as a kid. Now you need attention. That's right. No, if you're an actor, you were diddled as a kid, and now you need attention. That's right. No, I'm not an actor. Quit rocking the boat. Uh-oh.

God, this is what Jack was talking about with F1 tornadoes. We got to get in the basement. Yeah. Flash flood's coming. When did we start? I got to wring out my shirt. We got 10 minutes to go. Oh, I can see it.

Yeah, I can see it. Yeah. Cool. This is a free app, app right i don't know you usually make the call i'll say copy town i'll say this cedar rapids sold out lincoln yeah you don't have to plug anything i'm not the plug right now i mean i'm still gonna plug i think there's like 30 tickets left for philadelphia there's some tickets left for houston like go to those shows get those tickets i'm at secret group 420 in Houston. Philadelphia Helium. I got Dad Meat and Matt McCusker opening for me.

21. April 21. I'm in Lafayette down there in the Bayou. Lane Loneon's wedding is the next day. So Lane's going to be there. Noah Reynolds. Maria Moreno. Herb.

Partner. Jake Moreno. Yeah, Jake Moreno. I told Rep he should have changed his name to Jake Moreno. He was like, that's cool. Yeah. He wrote me. It was in a chat. You were in a group chat with them?

No, just him. I reached out to him. I DM'd him. That's cool. I didn't say group chat. I said chat. It was online. I didn't hear him go. You're so online. No, I'm not. Yeah, you are. You're severely online. No.

I touch grass. Dude, Pat and Joe Hatfield have been giving me updates on what's going on out there. And Jancicok and Brad. Yeah. People are giving me updates on what's going on in the fucking chats, you know, like in the comment section. Yeah. And then I think some of them are in there being like, no, you're the one who is gay,

you know? Right. Send you screenshots. Yeah, yeah. Oh, blasting you in the via their alt dude hasan piker who's that he's a leftist twitch streamer that pat's obsessed with you know yeah because he's like you know a leftist guy who like says retard you know so brave uh yeah he's he fucking disgusts me and rogan on his live stream to like 60 000 people

it's bizarre this whole thing's bizarre it's crazy to have a son piker who's the furthest left you can be without being like you know smashing starbucks windows and signing your rent checks and blood to ben shapiro who's a gay man whose sisters got him yeah but they were all those pictures were altered, I think. They did the job. I'm saying. They did, but it had to be done. I don't think they're as big as they were in that one picture that I jacked off to.

Sure, her hoochies are moochied. Saw another nipple this week. Somebody else dumped them? No, on stage I saw a nipple. Why? Lady in the front row, bent over at the mothership in the big room, in the fat man. I was the fat man in the little boy. LOL.

Yeah. I was the fat man in the fat man, up on stage. You just stopped talking. Nothing. Everybody's like, what? And you're like, I don't know. Yeah, it's like, what? Nothing know nothing who who where are we it's fine yeah we're okay huh can uh wait you said she like leaned over and she was bent over in like a blouse

like a unbuttoned blouse and from my angle i could see her nip cool yeah it was really cool you should have pointed it out no no one else benefited from it. She might have dumped him. No, no. And if I would have said something, I couldn't have stared for 14 minutes. Why? Oh, it was just out. Yeah, it was freaking out of the top. It was from the angle.

I was down. Oh, you were above. I was committing an assault. No. Yeah. Peeking. That's okay. I think I didn't want to make her feel self-conscious, so I didn't say anything.

It wasn't because I was getting off on it or anything. Okay. It was probably both. No, no. I just didn't want to make her feel self-conscious, so I didn't say anything. It wasn't because I was getting off on it or anything. Okay, it was probably both. No, no, I just didn't want to make her feel weird. So I just stared. I just took little darts down, you know? Kept doing crowd work with her boyfriend. Oh, yeah, you just did that. What?

That's your move. You did crowd work with somebody's boyfriend or husband because they had him it's not true you said it on the pod all the rumor no yes that was you it's rumored to be me okay yeah pretty cool move thank you so i moved to austin are you gonna come with me no why oh god i left denver because it's so crazy let alone austin come Come down to Austin with me, dog. No, it's nuts. Yeah, we can all live together. Everybody's blackout on a scooter.

Don't do your bits on the pod. You guys ever notice those scooters? It's like, no helmets, huh? Why would you? You only had 12 Jack and Cokes. Why would you be safe? So tonight we have a big show. Yeah, sold out Comedy comedy works they're not gonna

like him up front they're gonna hate him they need to get warmed before he does whatever he does maybe i'll come out first and be like hey everyone these are my friends british style please don't eat them alive no let's let him dang i want to let him fuck himself he'll probably crush because downtown comedy works and like your crowd are comedy fans right and they probably don't know if they listen to the pod and they hate it. They don't. Well, no, but also that's not fair because he's not as funny on Chubby Behemoth. He's never been funny on Chubby Behemoth. He just overthinks it.

He's too nervous. He bombs. So on stage, he's comfy. He's been doing a lot of sets. Don't talk about my cousin. Speaking of sets, let's look up ben shapiro's sister once we're done here and believe the lie just lie to me internet make them as big as fucking wembley let's show young jack what a lady looks like no no he's not ready let's turn

jack onto those massive moombos yeah remember a couple years ago when you were eating lunch off these bad boys so we got no we got pat a little special guest friend of the pod josh blue and then you so how afraid are you of being completely buried by josh i'm not that afraid because he's doing 10 if he were doing 20 or more it would i would be like i have to go up before him yeah well i wouldn't allow that either anyways i'm in charge you want me to eat it You want me to eat it? You want me to struggle? I don't want you to struggle, but you're featuring.

On the three-hour ride home. Oh, you're going to beat yourself up. They're going to love you. I'm not going to care. They're all love guys. I'm going to do well. Yeah.

Josh is going to go like, have you ever been on an airplane? I've been on an airplane with me guys. You ever been on an airplane, Josh? I've been flying all the time, man. You ever been on an airplane, Josh? I fly on time, man.

I'm always in the sky. Josh doing, buddy. Yeah. Hello, Elaine. We're done. We're broken up. Little Romano. There's a little Romano in there.

Romano cheese. what are we gonna eat so something good i'm so hungry well you know what we would have had a lot more time to eat if this didn't take forever shut up and you would have picked me up on time well i didn't yeah i'm sorry and i've already raped myself over the coals i'm gonna rape you over the calls god oh we can't have fun yeah i want you don't you have some water, you dehydrated bitch? I need some. If this is the free one, then we've got to plug the Patreon. Plug the Patreon.

Tell them where to go. Patreon.com slash Chubby Behemoth. Only $5 a month will get you access to our Patreon episodes. There's a bunch of them. Some of the best ones are behind the paywall. Not on purpose. It's just the way it goes. And look, there's no better way to troll me if you're a new rogan listener and you want to call me the f slur that is

completely unmoderated in there you can call me whatever you want you can post whoever's address you want i mean think of those two guys who get in there and say that we're bad and they're going to kill themselves look say whatever you want be a part of giving us money yeah exactly freedom of speech yeah give us it's not free it's five bucks for freedom of speech yeah so that's pretty cool yeah uh five bucks or 20 20 bucks gets you mail one loves sending those out yeah i can't wait for a thousand people to join the mail oh that would suck yeah if we made 20 grand a month so you had to make mail it would i would make mud. I would send bombs. I would reverse.

Quit rocking this thing, dude. Sorry. You've been rocking it nonstop. Oh, no. You rocked it too. I have barely rocked. We need to get this thing stabilized now. Like the Bigfoot footage.

You need to be on mood stabilizers. Why? Because you're crazy. I'm fine. I'm okay. Who cares? You're the Joker. I'm fine. I'm okay. Who cares? You're the Joker. I'm the Joker, baby. You're Lady Goo Goo.

What else, though? SamTalent.com. Yeah, yeah. Nathan Lund doesn't have a website. Oh, wait, I do. You do? Yeah, go there. If you want to help Donald Trump with his legal fees, go to NathanLund.com.

Eventually, it'll be my site. No, it won't. No. If I do some things that I don't want to do. Keep redirecting. What? Like bow before Trump? No, I was making it sound like the guy that pulled that prank was making me, was extorting me.

He wants you to send one tasteful nude. Oh, God. It won't. None of, no nude of me could be tasteful. It me. He wants you to send one tasteful nude. Oh, God. It won't. None of, no nude of me could be tasteful. You know what would be a fun nude to send him? It's an oxymoron for me. Tasteful nude. It is tasteful.

It'd be cool to send a picture. It's going to hurt your stomach. It'd be cool to send a picture of me dressed up like a cowboy, like my full Sunday best, and you completely nude, and me just holding your dick. That'd be nuts. Like your hard dick. Yes. And me holding it, and you don't look happy in the picture. It's not nuts like your hard dick and me holding it and

you don't look happy in the picture not gonna be hard if you're holding let's practice no no just like here see look i'm a cowboy this is how you would look you'd be smiling i thought i'd be mad yeah or sad yeah you wouldn't be happy okay no but it would just be like fucking choked up on your little bat i'm sad to the point where it's like purple at the top that'd be a good picture to send this extortionist okay okay what do we have to lose that's what he wants yeah that would show him to you yeah i definitely didn't set that up right yeah you have you wish that it weren't what he wants but it is so we might as well get my website back. Yeah, through any means necessary.

Just like the Black Panthers, who I support. And the Zapatistas, who I support. And Zappos, which is sponsoring this episode. Go to Zappos.com. Get some big old shoes for your giant feet. Watch how I keep looking into the camera. Watch the camera. Ready?

And I keep going like this. Being surprised by it. I think it's down into the camera. Watch the camera. Ready? And I keep going like this. Being surprised by it. I think it's down here, but it's up there. Oh yeah, no, it's up there. Hey. This was a good ep. This was a good ep. You're welcome, everybody. Thank you for supporting us. To all the day ones who've been there since the beginning,

we won't forget when we do our mass assassination campaign. Whoa. Yeah. I didn't know about that. Excuse me. Mass adoption campaign. We're going to get all the cats and dogs. Cats in the cradle and the silver spoon. Fat man, little boy, mothership.

It's a great club. Deterran bees and big seagulls. I didn't get to sing deterran bees. Deterran bees. That would haverent bees. Deterrent bees. That would have been for. Deterrent bees. Me and yours and Bobby. Do not run.

They will not heed your screams. Was that skidamarink? That was a couple of different nights. We were just out there singing to the deterrent flowers because they bloom at night. That's right. Speaking of blooming at night. Yeah, we have to go flourish. Yeah, come see me in Lincoln this Sunday, the 16th.

Zubar resurrected. Zubar's back, unlike the former host of Zubar. Rest in power. Still dead. Well, he's going to be stuffed on stage in a rocking chair. That's what I heard. I would love that. Brad Garrett?

He said, bury me in Lincoln. Bury me with my leather bracelets on. April 19th, Philadelphia Helium. 20th of April, Houston Secret Group. 21st, Lafayette, Louisiana. Club 337. Come and see me in Indianapolis the 28th. We love you guys.

Goodbye. Bye.