Chubby Behemoth - The Missing Dink

Episode Date: November 10, 2025

SEE THE BOYS LIVE - https://www.samtallent.com/     SPONSORS:   Factor - Eat smart @ http://factormeals.com/chubby50off & use code chubby50off to get 50% off your first box, plus Free Breakfast for 1 year!     Ridge - Upgrade your wallet today! Get 10% Off @Ridge with code CHUBBY at https://www.Ridge.com/CHUBBY #Ridgepod #sponsored #ad     Chubbies - Your Holiday wardrobe awaits! Get 20% off @chubbies with the code chubby at https://www.chubbiesshorts.com/chubby #chubbiespod     PATREON EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth     This week the boys are together in Colorado for a wedding. Sam cried four times today, has plans for Art Basel, and has questions about Whatnot. Nathan saw a lot of plates that were creaking, ate Carls Jr outside of the car to be polite, and can't believe choking is the choice.     00:00 Is That Twelve Sides? 01:56 Boss Tank 03:50 Home On The Range 05:06 All Timer 07:26 I'm Glad We're Together 08:58 90 Teeth 11:57 Went To The Spa 13:09 What Are We Talking About? 15:59 Could You Imagine? 18:54 Frying On The Pavement 21:15 Has To Make Soup Too 24:58 One And Done 26:35 We're Not Like That 28:55 Monstered My Taco 29:39 The End Of The World 32:21 Soooo Busy 36:27 Stuffed With Pornography 40:30 And Arraignments 43:15 Pie Curious 46:22 I Met A Woman 50:50 It's Not Always The Mom 52:39 People Are Mean To You 54:16 The Pieces Fit Alright 57:23 How Vern Troyer Was Conceived     Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

Got to be able to hack. Engage the dodeca-tron. Hack my stuff. Was that 12 sides? I don't know. It's what we used to call Jansa-Cocke's partner, Helix, the dodeca-tron. The dodeca-hedron is what we'd call him. Them?

I don't know. Here we are. As you can tell, it's me, it's Lund. One of us got a haircut. One of us swore them off for good. Yeah. No. Shaved my face.

Like I said, Evan Hull, big top, little little, little, bottom at seven hole i don't know oh because he's like his body proportions no my hair and his hair we're hair brothers i thought he meant because he was like all like stocky he's like pyramid kind of inverted pyramid type guy pyramid head he's actually just straight down wide he's just little squat wide guy little mini fridge like we have here at the radisson hotel suites conference center and tokyo dome i appreciate them putting the shark tank in because I like to swim and I like to be exhilarated. You got in, you can get in the tank.

Fuck, yeah, dude. They were begging me to get in there. I thought the whole thing is like, oh, you get in there, you're dead. And it's like, I'm glad I'm staying here at this beautiful hotel instead of swimming with sharks. You got in there. Everyone thinks if you get in there, you're dead. Yeah, if you're stupid.

If you're bleeding. If you're dumber than a shark, yeah. I'm always bleeding. Everyone's like, they're going to bite me. Yeah, if you let them. You're still a human being. You're the boss. Yes.

Boss tank. Yeah. If it's me and a shark one-on-one, I can breathe underwater because I got the surgery, which was great because I'm a Marriott Bonvoy Gold, so the surgery was half off. But no, they said the last person to swim in that shark tank that was a micro celebrity with Steve-o and he was fingering him all the time. He was trying to finger the sharks for wild boys. But I wonder that could be a show, Shark Tank.

You can last a half hour Shark boss or boss tank And you have to put a tie on a shark And then you're the boss And then you run Radisson's or wherever we are No then you have to I think like people are gonna find out

If I say the right one Yeah Show up and be here tomorrow We'll be gone Right yeah this won't even come out Yeah you and Ben Avery You and Ben Avery both lost your mind Shout out Ben I love you

I hope he's doing okay What's he been doing? I don't know putting a lot of pieces together I think he's been connecting a lot of times. Well, yeah, they fit. I know they fit. Yeah, he's gotten full Maynard.

God. Nardtardtard. Dude, I wish I could have had that face-to-face. I was a nardtardtard for a while. You love Tuel. You still love Tuel. No, no. You thought that they were like as good as music could be.

Yeah, no. There was a stretch for it. Well, I mean, they were doing the whole nerd math rock or whatever. I think we've gone over it. I'm over. I never like tool. Well, yeah, they were the opposite of what you were told was the beef. Yeah.

Which was a minute and a half. And you weren't wrong. You weren't wrong. And I definitely have gotten away from liking a seven and a half minute song. I like shit you can dance to, bro. I like, Rickshaw, Billy. You got to stir the cauldron.

Yeah. Sure, exactly. With your whole head and body. He used to always, he would like, the cauldron and he's like 4-11 or whatever he's a mayor he yelled at you that one time he did yeah he told you to shut up right all right you fucking suitless gimp shut up mainard you look wet and fresh born he's little fetal man with his dumb ass he's like bad stanhope he's like evil stanhope he's wicked bizarro stanhope uh stanhope and andy are like me and you yeah criss cross in the

country chris kyle saying it chris kyling They're Chris Kiling, which is where they shit talk a guy in the backseat via text, and that man takes them to the range. We'll kill them, yeah, eventually. We'll take their lives. Home on the range.

But he will never take their freedom. It was cool tonight. The rehearsal dinner was on a gun range. Is that right? It's pretty sick. Active? Oh, it was a lit. Yeah.

Yeah, Susu shot her first AR. It's way too much. It shot her, yeah. It did be like it shot her. It was like a cartoon firefighter and the hose was too powerful. Yeah, the hose. Yeah, full blast. But it was like she was built to hold an AK, some part of her, some part of all of us, I guess, but especially, you know.

Especially her. She's got a direct line to the motherland. We were a few neighborhoods away. but we have that in us right that this feels right you hold a gun you start a war you end a war you're like this is what I was supposed to do also shout out to one of the best war starters ever born of blood Dick Cheney man that guy Cheney All-timer all-timer you know I would love when we die and we get the answers to all the questions like how much dog food did I eat I'm sure that'll be the first one you ask

I hope it wouldn't add up to much, but I don't know. But the thing I want to know is how many times did I, how many times would I have lost 50 bucks because somebody would have come up to me and said, is Dick Cheney alive or dead? And I would have said dead in the last decade. Oh, really? I'll bet I'd be out $2,500 because so many times, because he disappeared, right? Like, he didn't. You went back to Wyoming.

He did not, yes. Back to the middle of the earth. He didn't do red eye and he didn't do what, you know, Tim Dillon. He was like crang and he was in the belly of the giant robot. He went into the core, yeah. He's just going through hearts. That's why homeless people are disappearing because they're just need new hearts for Cheney. But yeah, there were so many times, including, of course, yesterday where they're like Dick Cheney dead.

And I was like, what? Yeah, dead at 17. Wait, is it the 13th anniversary or what? Yeah. Is this Cheney two point? know this is the Cheney clone like Tom Brady's dog Wick Cheney yeah he's back uh did you hear that what um Brady's dog is his clone dead dog what for real when did that and they think it's like a marketing thing that they're going to reveal the Super Bowl where everyone can get their dead dogs clone

George Michael yeah he's back they got he kept him yeah he speaks Portuguese he comes out to Eric Bischoff's theme from WWE. He's strut know. I'm back. And better than now. It would be funny

if Creech got him cloned and then because he's a clone it doesn't count and she divorces you and marries him. He marries George Michael too.

Because he's a clone. Yeah. It's fine. It's fine. Yeah. It's a whole new world, man. The laws haven't been

written yet. Yeah. I mean, he's not actually a dog or a person. But it's not. too written that a clone is man woman or beast i'm about to go off game what you mean go to bed or what yeah sounds good you change me half and half oh no uh no dude do you want to hear some shit from tonight yeah whatever man whatever whatever you want to tell me i'm glad we're together me too

this is so much better than doing remote podcasts i get so mad this is a funny um uh this is what it's like when worlds collide because we're together on the road road before a wedding we're in a hotel room yeah we're dicking around yeah but there's no shows no well but you are officiating so it's like you have a show I know but I'm it's like I'm opening though yeah I know and I'm just a guy kicking it I'm just like lurking yeah thank god all the little rose petals that Susanna scatters thank God Pat is here yeah I know but he'll be taking pictures so then I'm just next to him I'm not in any pictures because I'm next to him I don't know.

I mean, what is his plan for being the videographer? Is he getting a hundred bucks? I don't know. I don't think he's getting anything. I think he's going to see him once. He's getting shorts on a bunch of six. He gets to see. All the shorts he could smoke.

All the snipes he could grow. Halfies. Yeah. Most of the family on both sides are kind of a halfy smoking crowd. They're playing a lot of gutter roses. They did it. They do. They like to do half now, half later, but if a couple of them disappear, nobody cares.

No one's counting them. Right, because they're having a good time. Yep. And Pat's gobbling him. When Minyama's mouthpiece looks like a horseshoe. Yeah, he's got 90 teeth. Oh. A shocking conclusion.

Pig. Pig and nasty. Wait. me ask you this, how many times do you think I've cried today? If you had to guess, how many separate occasions I've cried today? I was a part of one and I'll bet it was one of four times you've cried. Yeah, four. Four is right. Oh, that's a lot of times. And like hard. Four separate reasons. Different things. Well, yeah, that's fine because you got the big wedding weekend. Three of them were like awesome sentimental. And then one was brutal. The second saddest thing that

could have happened in the scenario yeah pretty much god damn it oh god anyway so i went to talk about it no not that never there's nothing funny about that yet except this is the thing i said to you on the phone but yeah not for general consumption no and also god damn it it's like and just a little what a fucking awful act or whatever what an awful thing to do to these lovely people yeah yeah yeah anyway so like this morning I went to Jalon. You're talking, of course, about Dick Cheney and family. Oh, I mean, come on.

Just think of, think about the survivors. He wasn't ready. He had more, he had another 9-11 in him. And I heard that that's why he, he was back in the lab. It was like, after you have the chronic come out, you can't just put out some bullshit, right? So yes. You can just do Chingu's Mix-Ape. Trey's gone for five years or whatever.

But when what comes out, so yeah, he's been, he's been doing it. thing but now i mean it was cool that he did the suicide vests that was a nice way out for old cheney but he was in wyoming so nobody else was killed he's like trying to make a statement but there wasn't a single soul within a hundred square miles well the light changed and so a few cars took off that cheney was hoping would be a part of his brilliant symphony of destruction that's what he called that bSD email drafts he didn't even get to send it I like that he signed off all of his emails

with Conductor of Destruction Meister of Mayhem The poison glove that holds the baton The glove is poisoned It hurt his hand He died of poison gloves He put the glove on inside out Right he put it on like Howie Mandel

I'm trying to blow it up briefed in a bunch of sigh and I had no supposed to be on his hand oh man so wait what happened I don't know something you were going to talk about no I went to Jalon this morning Sophie's spa my beautiful sister Sophie oh you remember did you meet Jerome Mel's uncle who's like two days older than him I met his most of his closer family I didn't try to meet everybody at the wedding because it was a lot of there were a lot of people Yeah. And I used to think you had to, but as you get older, it's like, wait, no, nobody wants

to meet all of the, you want to talk to the people you know. Sure. And maybe meet a hand, like I was glad to meet the next day, the breakfast was perfect. Yeah, it was good. Because night of, everybody's doing their own thing and inside and outside. They were doing their thing. Yeah, doing their thing. Do them a thing.

Getting your drink on. Yeah. Passing out at the very end. Occasionally. Being mad, all the macrum. The macaroni and cheese thing was crazy. Oh, yeah. The mac and cheese was gone.

I saw, yeah, I saw a lot of plates that were creaking. And that I knew were- Creaking! Yeah. And they were-chew-trieking. I was pissed. I was like, oh, here we go again. Is Kevin's wedding all over again?

Wait, no, you guys were first, right? Yeah. Or no, so if you were. We're supposed to pretend like Caitlin Clark's not pretty. What are we fucking talking about? She doesn't have them. And she's like six, nine. That's cool.

So 69 ing, but you can't reach Because she's so long Oh, I could reach I could reach Not me, I'd be I could shake every branch Yeah

That'd be crazy if I cheated on Emily With Caitlin Clark And we were like at like Art Basil What's that? What's that? You don't know about Art Basil? No, I'm pretentious

So that makes sense It's a very far out fashion show That happens in Miami every year And you often see pictures on Instagram of like... I'm sure I have. You've seen like, you know, like Keshah wearing like a question mark.

Yeah, Vern Troyer was dressed as dinklage. He was stinky dinky. Two dinkledges? Double dink. He was the dink link. The sneaky dink. Save the missing dink. Found him.

He was in the glove box. yeah i didn't know about art basil don't dink and drive check that out that's ridiculous you're blowing dinklage don't dink and drive uh yeah heart basil's cool man dinklage is there every year taking himself very seriously oh fuck

uh so i went to uh so jerome and his wife and their beautiful daughter We all went to dinner last night With Emily Or not with Emily Sophie and Mel We went to La Diablo You've been to that place

Like 23rd in Laramor No It's where that weird jazz club That little It was like a shotgun room And the stage was on one side And we would do stand-up in there And it was like jazz most of the time

Not Chapo Tbiltepec 23rd in Laramor Mm-hmm By that pawn shop Down here at the pawn shop Bob, Bob, Bob,

Bob, not, uh, what's going on? Is Cheney blowing it up again? Hotels. It's happening. God.

Chaney. Cheney. The Chenees. Someone's wearing a Cheney mask out there finishing the job. God, that would be so scary. If you were going to get killed by a guy,

but it's like a Jason S character, the last minute he reveals that he's face. It's not Cheney, though. The new face of terror is the Cheney mask. What do you call it? His decadent symphony of destruction? Symphony of destruction, yeah, his beautiful, his beautiful crescendo of cataclysm.

But Jerome told us a funny story last night. He's a firefighter. Oh, God, could you imagine? Could you imagine? No. He's a firefighter in Phoenix where it's 180 degrees. Everything's always on fire because it's so hot. I asked him, I was like, is it better if it's hot or cold?

And he's like, well, it's always hot. so like fire never gets any hotter fire is always as hot as fire is so 4151 degrees yeah fair enough that's when that's the temperature that steel beams melt according to dick i did it all i burned it all i burnt it with my glare i burnt steel what burnt the beams my stairs able to burn steel it was crazy that that guy was such a big part of my childhood just like glaring and the penguin yeah he's panging off but in in phoenix they have so many hobos in the summertime some of the best in the game well yeah some of the toughest old old barnacles but they have a lot of hobos and it gets really hot and often the hobos they set fires to cool

off they're like it's hot a shit out here i'm gonna start a fire so i can get a nice stiff breeze in the wind And they're just tanning by an open thing. But what they have to do is that they have a big bag and it looks like a body bag. But you get the hobo in there and then you fill it with ice and you zip it up and it cools them down and it prevents their brain from literally boiling. That's what happens when you get like too hot. Your brain starts to boil like fat. Oh, God damn. So anyway, Jerome, who was one of the best men, admirable people.

beautiful man he is being followed around by the NBC affiliate in Phoenix one day as like a it's hot out there folks and but the firefighters have a way to keep all of our homeless people cool jack and then it cuts to like a woman going on a fire pole and she's like here at firehouse 61 on Phoenix's west side they've got a way of keeping cool even in hot situations then it cuts to Jerome he's like in a fire truck and it looks like he's filming himself and he's like we just got a call for an individual who is very ill

and then it cuts to them in like an Arby's he showed us this cuts to them in an Arby's and there's a guy like gorked my brain is boiling breaking brain he's doing a crankyaker's character but for real

so they cuts to him and then they had they see they put him the bag and then Jerome and his boys just got big buckets of ice and they pour it on the guy and then cut to the guy later on like smiling with the firefighters you know and so oh that was a successful save with the ice bags. So then they get another call in the same segment and they have to drive. They get another call for a hobo outside on the crown just frying on the pavement they pull up human egg this guy's this guy's yoke is all over the sidewalk this guy's sunny side up so in the segment it cuts to them and then oh it's a guy on the ground literally

like wearing like all black he's just in the sun like right by the shade of a tree like he was crawling to the shade. Oh, no. And then again, in the segment, they put him in the bag. And then you see Jerome and the boys go, and they get the same buckets. No ice this time, just some water. Too hot. Only one guy gets ice.

And then, and then cuts to the lady. She says, well, hopefully that worked for this gentleman who was outside. as of last reporting he is still not responding so the guy died for sure he did Jerome told us he died because they forgot to get more ice after the first ice pack no so whatever like pledge like fresh firemen literally so they have a deal with 7-11 is what Jerome said where the fire trucks could stop and just get as much ice as they want so whatever It wasn't even because of a budget cut. They were just, they were just distracted because of the cameras.

They were trying to look hot so they can get laid. And I called the rest of the year. Before Jerome told me about like, for the rest of time, man. Before Jerome told me, he was like, oh, yeah, so I'm on this thing. And I was like, and how often are you flexing? How tight is your shirt in this, Jerome? How often do you find yourself just kind of leaning across the counter with your arm bulging? But yeah, they just, on the camera, they forgot to get ice and the guy died.

oh yeah god that was fun last night that's a whole lot yeah you've had a hell of a couple days geez this morning i wake up at 830 hour time uh and then eastern no right here mount tan mount and uh we me and emily drove down to sophie's work and she like this this spa is like a three million dollar fucking build it's over there by like comedy comedy works kind of comedy works south oh a new one yeah it's a new spa well it's not the one she she runs that one still too but she has this new one and i walk into the restaurant they have there mama kim shout out mama kims this was fucking crazy like southeast asian food oh my god it was so fucking good i'm not just saying that because sophie is like kind of associated with them she has to make soup too right yeah so he's back

I hope the piece is fair. She doesn't know tool. She doesn't know. She's hoping. Shit piss and gum on my hands. I'm a black guy. So I walk in and I see the, they have this bar in this restaurant and it's like a single slab of quarried marble. Sophie's like it's a $300,000 slab.

standing in there. And I just think of me and my mom and Sophie when we were kids being at the carousel bar in New Orleans and my mom being like, this is a single slab of marble. You have no idea how much this costs. This is how you know somewhere's legit. I started crying so

hard because Sophie's running this place and how proud my mom would have been. Yeah. Oh my God. So I'm sitting there at the booth. That was how your mom measured success was marble. Well, at the end, she was in the chair, so that's all she could see. She saw underneath a lot of bars.

She was rattling her can. No, it is true that if it's one big old slab, it's heavy as fuck. Oh, yeah. And it's expensive as hell. My mom love bars. Her favorite thing to do in her last couple years was set the lowest score on the punch bag machine. You know that punching bag? Yeah.

Yeah, my mom would be like, Julie. Julie, Julie, everyone would gather around And she'd be like, ah And just wheel herself back to the corner Play some more Joplin I was going to say electric With one hand And then the other hand is just

Up there Yeah Oh yeah She's Zzz Yeah It gets blocked Matumbo style

By the by the punching bag the bag punches back so my sister had to introduce me to all of their co-workers like one by one I've never met come over and I'm just crying

I've been crying and I have to explain to all of them why I've been crying sorry the marble sorry my mom's dead my mom made a bunch of marbles my mom lost her marbles but she could always appreciate

a nice when marbles were when marble was together as one as opposed to lost and everywhere. She communicated through the world through tactile experience. The marble was cold enough

to connect her to her. The parts of her brain that exploded off the others, much like a Dick Cheney-esque symphony of destruction. Her brain went full Cheney, you see? And now she's dinked. She's a little dinky.

God, I wonder how many dinks she would end up with with all the shit that we have had to deal with because just the one. Just the one, she won and done, but she could have had, she could have had a few. Dude, Trump, 2016, popped her brain the first time. I don't know what she'd be. She'd probably be Rambo. She'd literally have a bandana on. She would have given you latitude and longitude and then a date.

and then that morning she's got the vest on and you're like don't Julie to Julie tomorrow dude my mom puts the shades on you're like whoa she's going full clebel she goes into the Elizabeth post office because that's the only federal building

and she's just in there in her chair with like a fucking automatic rifle and she's like and it's like flying all around in there. Nobody's in there. Oh. Because everybody already got their mail.

Three people already got their mail. The one guy just like bailed as soon as he saw her out front. Wheeling or so, yeah, he's like, hold the door for it. Took her forever. So everybody bailed up the curb so she's like, she's like, blast herself up onto the curb. Yeah. Take the power back.

Yeah. When I came up here, I, I, uh, I don't know. I guess, I don't know if it shows that I'm, I'm scared of Emily or that I love her very much. But I was like, oh, shit. I, for some reason, I think that it's the three of, the three of us in one room, two beds, Natch. You hope. We're not like that. You hoped that me and Emily would be in one and you would have premonacta on

No, no. I just figured, Jesus, I just figured that you guys had a hotel room and you knew there was going to be two beds. So who cares? It's one night. I'll crash with you. And so I'm like worried. I know all of the things that could piss her off in this room, including bringing food up like McDonald's up here to eat. And then I'm up here before you guys. And I have to like take a shit and I eat McDonald's. So she comes in and she's like, ugh. what the fuck it's like you've been here for a week you've been here for 40 seconds yeah so i knew i couldn't eat in here every smell you can make but then i'm also like i don't want the real symphony of destruction yeah yeah there's not a ways i can blow it right so i'm like all right i need to eat sooner than later i don't i didn't even want it in the car too long because i didn't want uh my car to smell in case uh for whatever reason you know i need to give her a ride or something that's nice of you because donkey mcdon and we'll stink you up.

I don't want the car to reek of fast food. So, yeah, I got Carl's Jr. in Walsenburg and ate it outside of the car while I gassed up. Wow. And yeah, and I was like, is any of this necessary? And I was like, you know, it's just being thoughtful and knowing what she doesn't want to have to deal with. And then it's like, she used to put up with so much. She put up with you at your most feral. And all of us, when we were completely nuts.

Desperate, handsy. Drunk. Yeah, yeah. Just remain worse than, yeah. Luckily, we chilled out, but it doesn't mean that she needs to go back to any of that. So, like, all of my, all my clothes and stuff are clean and shit, whatever. She may have had Stockholm syndrome, but, like, I don't know. It was like a real Mary Pranks through Sitch.

I was Dean Moriarty. Then none of it mattered. I could have jacked it in here with Jack in the Box. in the bed. You could have jacked in the box. I could have monstered my taco. And then pulled a real prank on me. Got your burger.

Oh, my God. I eat your cum. That's the joke. Nice stuff, Lund. Tickhead. Nice prank. You get mad at me. You're a regular Susanna.

Good job, Ken Keezy. He's just in a monster taco. And then said, eat it. He did her, I'll punch you. But yeah, it was all for naught because Emily's not even going to be in here. Oh, hey, speaking of not, any of our listeners out there are familiar with this new platform called, I think, Waste Not or Want Not. I don't know. It's like, it's gamified auctions.

Mel told me about it last night, and it seems like the end of the world. It's a move being made. It seems like it might be the worst thing. to happen like it's like a 10 second auction and there'll be like a sports card the guy's like all right dirk no whiskey rookie card ready 10 seconds and then there's just a bar on the bottom and you can swipe but you don't know what the what your bid is going to be because if there's like a thousand people in the room and they're all swiping on this thing so it'll go from like one dollar to three dollars to seven dollars to thirty three dollars to seventy five dollars to three hundred and sixty

and then it's gone. Yeah. It seems so fucking dangerous. Sure. But I want to figure out how to exploit it. It's new and I think it might be for dorks right now. Because it's just for like buying like trading cards and like la boo booze. Yeah.

Anyway, if you guys know about it at all, I feel like there might be a fucking, there might be an exploit there. And I would like to be the one to figure out how to make a bunch of money before the FCC shuts it down. Now, Lund, speaking of the FCC, we should probably do some, uh,

some commercial, uh, trade. I can read it this time. Let me read it this time. You're always reading them. Well, I'm better at it. I don't know.

You're more of a writer. You actually, you do love to read. I love reading. I read more than anyone. I just read, uh, oh good. There's a three of them.

In the Miso Soup, which was recommended by a great Instagram called Hardcore Book Club. And I really liked. most of it. It's like if the judge went to Tokyo as a sex tourist, it's told from the perspective, the judge from

who I look like. Yeah, you're becoming the judge. Once you're hairless, I'll know that there's no Sam left. Well, it's just whatever he was eventual. What was his fate

or whatever he was? I think they say he's a, what is a manifestation of manifestation? Manifestation I'm sorry. Manifestation of Manifest Destiny. Mm. You put the man in Manifest Destiny. And you can put Westward Expansion.

I put mayonnaise on a tomato sandwich the other day. Yeah. Something better. A piece of toast. Duke's mayonnaise. Really good tomato. Salt pepper. You're living.

But hey, if you're tired of fucking doing all your own cooking? Because you're so busy on that app I just told you about. figuring out a way for me to make a whole bunch of money off of dork lust. Fall always feels like a reset, right? Sure. God, with back-to-school football season. The day is getting shorter. Finding time to cook and be tough.

Actually, you know, it's dark outside time for bed. It's 5.30. You're scared. Yeah. The sun's been down for an hour and a half. Because God forgot about you. Right, and your little blighted corner of hell. We can't get rid of this freaking fallen night.

back. It really smacks you in the teeth, doesn't it? I mean, I'm still damaged. Just wandering in a daze with cartoon stars over your freaking head. Yeah, I mean, my tongue's out. It's November already? What the hell is that all about?

No, dude. We were in Tampa like a week ago. October was dust in the wind. Well, if you're tired of eating dust, get Factor. They offer a white selection of chef prepared dietician dietician dietician dictate this dictates this dick chain dick chained my heart this was what he wanted for his last meal was factor he said give me the salmon and shrimp

because i don't care if my heart pops becker maybe what i don't know oh sure sure yeah you know because factor corporate pop a man's heart chaney went through eight hearts until he started getting on Factor. And then... I love this stuff, man. Yeah. I've eaten it. You know what's also fun

is if you get a Factor meal and you get like... They have this like tofu one. It's really nice. You can just microwave that and then take the tofu lumps out and just like put them on you as like heat pads. Yeah.

It's great. If you don't have a hot water bottle, just boil some Factor, cuddle up with it, sit there, read your stories. You know, read your Archie Comics. I'm a jugged guy. Come on.

Hey, is it tough to get to second base with someone he thought you could trust? We're alone in the room. Yeah, I think we're alone now. Emily texts, hey, it sounds like loud sex and you're next door. So what the hell? Hey, we all mourn differently. Savor global flavor with a Chinese-inspired Thai and Indian-type meals. New Mediterranean diet options and enjoy a variety of gulp-one-friendly meals.

Ooh, gulp them down. Oh, sorry, GLP-1-friendly. You can gulp those down, too. Can't spell gulp without g-l-p. And you can't spell fun without one. You down with g-l-p? Yeah, you know me. Get laid, pardna.

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Just head to chubbyshorts.com. Make sure to support the show. Tell them Chubby B. sent you. So here's a guy. He's pie curious. He's heard of pie. No, hold on. He doesn't know it's for him. Hold on. He's a cake guy.

So he wants to see American Pie real bad. But he heard that it might be a little raunchy. But he doesn't want to look like he hasn't seen American Pie. So he's like, oh, man, hey, what's up, man? You're waiting for the bus too? Yeah, the 12. Yeah, I love the 12, man. It goes up and down downing.

It's perfect. Gets you all the way to D.U. I'm going down there to see if, I can rent one of my favorite movies. Oh, yeah, you're going to rent a movie. Old school style. Is it old school? I don't know. I mean, it's not that old.

Okay, yeah, something more recent. Is that a movie? Old school? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've seen it, for sure. I was testing you. No, it's this movie called, I mean, it's called American Pie. Sure. You haven't seen that. I've seen that. Oh, you're renting it. It's one of my favorites. I'm going to go pick it up again. You're renting it. I like to sing along with all the songs.

Do the dances when they do them. Like, it's a musical, you think? Yeah, right? I don't think so. I don't remember there being a lot of, like, dance routine. Maybe there was. Oh, no. I was thinking, I was thinking of a different movie.

The song, American Pie, right? Right, right. Yeah, that was by what. Is that Weird Al? Weird Al did a version of it about, uh, Star Wars. Oh, wow. I've seen that.

Saw it. Oh, the music video? Star Wars, man. Oh, Star Wars, yeah. I love it. That's my favorite movie. Yeah, I saw that. Star Wars is good.

But have you seen American Pie? Yeah, yeah. It came out when I was like 15, so I saw it a few times. Whoa. I'm talking to a spring chicken. Oh. What are you, like 18 then? No, no.

It came out a while ago. What? so there's a guy i guess i curious trying to fake his way to the video store but you've like seen it for sure because like i'm supposed to like

i'm supposed to watch it like with my mom again she hasn't seen it i want to show it to her you think that would be cool oh i mean if you guys are real close if you guys like talk about i haven't seen her in like seven years she uh she had to go away for a while three to five she was in the ward Somehow it ended up being seven. She was in the ward, and I was a ward of the state watching American Pie every day.

She couldn't help herself. She liked it in there, turned three to five into seven. It was some... She said it was the happiest she's ever been. She said, leave me in here. She's like, Jerry, you're always trying to watch American Pie. You know, I've got to get out of here. All right.

Sorry. No, it was great. Okay. So tonight. rehearsal dinner yeah you're attending the wedding tomorrow I met

I met a woman I met a woman way over town oh she good me yeah what was this lady's deal oh the other time I cried

I saw Sarah V today she looks amazing yeah she's lost like she's lost like 110 pounds that's great nuts yeah you guys both got to yeah yes queen each other i like hugged her like immediately and was

like oh my god i'm so happy for you and then like i let her go and i was like give me a spin and she did and i saw she was wearing like pink pants like denim and i was like we can wear cool clothes now and we like both like held each other and cried in front of emily at like nine a m in sophie's apartment it was weird uh that's cool yeah so happy for um she doesn't have them she He's still got them. Bro, she used to be a mega. She was hoarding them. Doesn't got them.

She has like no body fat on her. It's crazy. Whoa. She's so little. Huh. Yeah, it's really something. I saw a good, a nice picture of her, but I don't subscribe. She must not have, she hasn't been posting a lot or something.

That's great. She's learning. Anyway, so that was the other time I cried. But tonight I met, and again, I don't know if anyone, the person who I'm about to mention doesn't listen. I met the mother of the bride tonight. Oh, yeah. Yeah. For the first time ever.

Yeah. And this is how it went. I walk up, she's standing with her son. I say, congratulations, you know, give him a handshake. And then I say to her, I say congratulations. She says, in front of the entire bridal party, we're all lined up for the walkthrough. She says, who are you? I said, and this is after we've already gone and set up everything.

I've stood up there. We've already set everything up, and now we're doing the actual walkthrough. She says, who are you? And I said, oh, I'm Sam, I'm the officiant. And she said, how am I supposed to know that? And Emily behind me says, well, maybe if you were a part of your fucking daughter's life, you know that she lived with us for a year and he's the reason that she met her husband. Move to Colorado.

That met her, she met her husband at a Sam Talent show. Yeah. I'm Sam Talent. Who the fuck are you? How about that, lady? How about that, you fucking ghoul who I've never seen? You melting mutant? Fuck you.

I was so mad, dude. Who are you? Remember when we were all 20 minutes and I was standing up there? Right. And I kept putting my arm around your daughter and her soon-to-be husband and telling them I love them? She was a thousand miles away. What the fuck were you doing? She was setting her fantasy line.

Oh, yeah. Tomorrow's Thursday. Yeah, she's wondering if Kyler's coming off the bench. Do not want to get fucked on a Thursday night game again. It's the Broncos Raiders, so everyone's stoked. Yeah. Well, how many, a lot of people, if they're Michigan folk, they don't care. Yeah, but the other half is from fucking Brighton.

Okay. Yeah. Anyway. Not ideal. So, yeah, did I overreact? I didn't say anything. Luckily, Emily was right behind me. Right.

Yeah, no, that sucks. And then that was like the early talk of the wedding of tonight was like, oh, I heard you met. I was like, oh, I met her. What a joy. Oh, and then. Yeah. And then. So what, is she just spinning?

Do you think she's just, like, freaked out because? I don't have the time to get into all the details. Moms are nuts. Moms can really. Families are nuts. Yeah. It's all good. It's all normal stuff, but it's also, who are you?

How am I supposed to know that? And then I said something, you know, that wasn't every thought I had in that moment. And then she said, oh, well, then that, oh, that wasn't funny. These are the three things this woman has said to me. oh that wasn't funny and i said lovely to meet you yeah moving on it was like like i was like okay where hey where's jamey kennedy right where's tim robinson this is fucking crazy in front of and none of these people have met her ever either yeah you just want to be frigid insert any adjective you know anyway damn that was nuts right oh my god what a

cold hand that was right and this was after 20 minutes of me being funny it's not always riffing in front of the crowd it's not always the mom but it is we always we talk about how at the airport one one person in the couple is dominant the other one turns into a dog and wedding weekends for parents of the bride more so than the groom unless the parents of the groom are super close and then it can then anything goes right where they can be so weird And it's because what? Like, they're used to calling the shots. They, people go to their house.

They don't go to other people's house, whatever. And then... Or they're self-conscious about not having been a big part of, and now they're here, and they know that everyone around them is like, I've known Katerina for 15 years. I've never run around. Yeah.

Anyway. And then luckily, and then luckily every woman in the family took me aside at the, like, the pizza party and was like, here's a fun story. I was like, okay, cool. So I'm not alone. Yeah.

I'm like, Hatteria's dad, Uncle Bob, rocks. He's the man. So it's just crazy to know the women. Are they still together? No, but he's had a real. He really knows how to pick him. God bless him. Does he have somebody here?

No. Oh, okay. He has a University of Michigan sweatshirt. He sleeps in it. Yeah, that is a funny. That's a weird move. there's just strays and it's like what you don't have to i don't know like you said family family stuff you can have a lifetime of stuff on the roulette wheel right and then the ball ends up

somewhere and so and i'm the but i'm the i'm double zero i guess god yeah no that's great oh it was nuts man i'm surprised you didn't cry for a fifth time no i wasn't cry about that People are mean to you. And I cried for another reason at the dinner because I was just so sentimental and I was happy. And then the fucking worst news. God, I hate to see my wife sad. God, I hate it. Well, yeah.

And also when you have this wedding in front of you and you think that that's what you're going to deal with for the next couple days is a wedding and family and whatever, mostly fun. Yeah, my biggest issue is I'm inconvenienced. right but then but like in colorado where you lived for so long where you're from uh-oh george michael's back i sat on him george wants help thank god he's not hasn't been cloned none of that is going into a new george mike that stinks that smells like george michael right now yuck

I mean, what's left of him? He was like 14 pounds. Oh, yeah. I made sure there was nothing left. I went full chainy on him. We could barely identify the body. It's like, why did we have to? Yeah.

We set up this euthanasia. Why would we have to come back a couple days later like you found him in a river? Well, Brankill hired a bunch of Asian years. And we had to be like, yeah, that's him. Remember when we brought him here? All right. In the pillowcase that you just pulled them out of? So stupid.

Oh, how about this? This was a funny, speaking of weird parent stuff, my father-in-law and I are, no, Ron. Rick, Sr. Ron. My dad's Ron. That'd be funny if they were both Rick. No, our family's names are very similar, though, Megan, Nathan, for the oldest, Kim and Nick are in the middle, Justin and Jason. You're stretching.

Justin and Jason would work. Ron and Rick, Karen and Terry. like those are all creach lund a lot of the birthdays are the same it's weird okay but anyway i know the pieces yeah the pieces fit all right you've got main art i had the court board you're may tard i said nardtard at the beginning of the episode and i remixed it like 50 minutes later mustard uh ron and i were watching football when i went up when i came up here for jordan and Nicole's wedding and we talked about because they have pictures of their dogs including Buster and Tobias who are both gone and he lamented how they died within like two weeks of each other

and they both you know it cost however much money to put them down and he thought that was very annoying and like you think to yourself like God I just do it myself but it's like not allow like Terry would freak out or whatever and I said oh really you think you could do it you'd like just like you could shoot him and he was like no i wouldn't shoot him i'd choke him and i was like what i'm sitting two feet away from this guy yeah i would just throttle him and i was like you're gonna what i was gonna say you shivo him as if that's what terry shivo's husband did was put her down listen if congress is gonna drag their feet i'm gonna run I'm going to get in there and be the adult in the room.

I'm getting in the bullet train. I'm sick of hanging out of this fucking hospital. All right, Terry. Next up, hell. Terry. But yeah. And then I... And then I tell...

And it's just me and him because Megan and Terry were getting a pedicure. Justin and Mel hadn't come over yet. So we're like, it's just the two of them. And I was like, okay. Like, I really know that that's crazy, right? But then it's cemented when I tell Megan, she's like, what a psycho. There's no way that he's just going to be over them.

Hey, come here, buddy. You know, it would be to kill a dog with your bare hands? I mean, that's like every instinct they have is to not let that happen. Yeah, yeah. And you also loved this dog for like 10 years. 19 for Buster. come here let's do

one more hug you're you can do it because you're jacked about saving 600 bucks or whatever

sure yeah yeah it's easy it's logic the logical part of your brain you're thinking

of the new coffee maker you're thinking of the hubcaps oh George Michael why isn't George Michael

why is burbs and farts you think that's what cloning is burbs and farts I think so you think that if

I understand if Mike Myers burped and farted enough he could bring Vern Troyer back that was a movie well that's how Bert Roy was

good see he was just a series of farts and burps it's crazy that that was the dwarf of our childhood

and now these kids got dink the dink man just not smiling because he's so little I don't even know if If kids have dink right now, doesn't seem like he's kind of...

I don't know, man. I'll tell you, if you want a dwarf, man, you get that guy from fucking Joker. That guy rules. He's so much fun. Yeah, he's my favorite. He's my favorite. I can't remember his name. He rules.

Like Timmy Nicky or something. No. It is. His name is Timmy Nicky. It's Tiny Smalley. I didn't say that. I said his name is something fun. God.

That guy is fun. British. You want to go to a crazy sex cabaret with anyone in the world? Go with a famous dwarf. who's from there that was he was the man in there they were spinning him it was awesome nobody was spinning yeah they were it was crazy marble slab just shuffleboard shuttle cocking his ass uh i talked with a burlesst dancer tonight about that show and she was like visibly upset i was like oh i'm sorry you gave her the whole rundown yeah geez yeah god what time is it

uh we should uh plug our patreon Nobody's listening anymore. No. No, there's just that one guy. You have a Patreon? Huh? Yes. And yeah, we save it till the very end because we want to...

Just get on it. We want to read our ads. Yeah. But Patreon.com slash Chubby Meath... Just do it. Five years worth of episodes. We need the money. Waiting for you.

We need the money. Some of us owe a bunch of money to the IRS. Some of the best episodes are waiting for you. Some of the stuff that we reference is from Patreon episodes. And you don't know what we're talking about, do you? John Gose. jangos sports drink November 13th

New Orleans November 12th New Orleans Wednesday next Wednesday get those tickets they're very limited there's very few left Magoobis will be at Skangfest of course

we're doing a live chubby bee at Skangfest that'll be fun you know who our guest is no you have no idea it's Sam Hyde and Chris Katan that'd be pretty cool

I'd go Chaney You'd like the Rock and Chris Katan doing Mr. Peepers if we had the two of them. So we, I'm trying to get Nick Rocheford on. I think that'd be fun. Yeah, I mean, just anybody that we already kind of know. Magoobies, Denver, San Diego, Portland, Maine.

Let's end the week. That's on the year strong, all right? Cis of his brewing December 26 and 27th. You see that Sam got a bunch of dog food for you? He sent that to me first and it really got me good. Yeah, no, it was very funny. uh thank you i'm excited and then he oh and then he also says if it if they sell out he'll eat it and it's like i didn't agree to but you have to no you have to eat a can one spoon

there's like 30 seats in there there there's like 160 seats in there now so they won't sell out so they'll sell out yeah he'll eat dog food he's eating the food come on see him eat the dog food if i sell out both yeah no yeah and guess what and guess what if you agree to this i'm just going to buy all the ticket I'm gonna have 50 cent in your ass then you're eating dog food alone chirororo's pretty cool

you can be jaw rule dog food by yourself oh yeah nobody's there just me and Sam's filming it for me Jake Silberman is Silverman featuring yeah he hit me up

he's gonna be there good luck with that oh he's gonna bury mine yeah he's great Jake's really funny guess what's all I don't give a phone I know you are hey I learned it from watching you

I do all your stuff I just take your shit Yeah, you're eating the dog food. That was my act. Thank you. Later, Alex Ovenchkin.