Chubby Behemoth - The Sword

Episode Date: September 16, 2020

New Numbers. Wack that dinger. Irie child.            Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

Are we in? Yeah, you're in. Man, I'm every ounce of it right now, dude. You're on fire. I am, every fucking atom of me is alive, and I'm teetering on the edge of some kind of personal apocalypse. Or, I've broken through, and I'm seeing in every color and smelling every scent. I fucking, I dreamt of the sword last night, man. Yeah, and this is a recurring dream.

This happens to me, and I'll wake up and I'll be manic for eight hours. And typically, it's a flaming sword, like when you're on DMT. For everyone out there, all you cooking cosmonauts who've cranked that little pipe and seen God's balls, it's exactly what it is. And I wake up and I feel like I either need to do a bunch of push-ups or I need to apologize to everyone I've ever wronged or I need to beg for people's respect

or I need to make a bunch of peanut butter sandwiches and hit the park and hand them out to every fucking hobo. Yeah. And so I wake up, and I'm like, oh, this is one of those days, dude. It's fucking one of those days, all right? I get out of bed, fucking go downstairs, let Gordy out. Dead bird right on the back patio. Dead bird.

Another sign, all right? I don't know if it's something from my Gaelic ancestors. Some kind of Celtic cross I'm born to bear. So dead bird. Gordy eschews the bird. He doesn't attack like typical. There's a rabbit. Gordy goes after the rabbit. I'm like, yes.

Fucking be primal. Don't be prey today, Gordy. We're predators. So then I get in the car. I put Gordy back in his quarters. I get in the car. I'm fucking riding down. What comes on the radio? Do I ever have the car. I put Gordy back in his quarters. I get in the car. I'm fucking riding down. All right.

What comes on the radio? Do I ever have the radio on? No. Radio's never on. But I was fucking with my phone. The radio's on. I'm trying to get the play through. What comes on my wedding song? This must be the place.

Talking heads. All right. That's never on the radio. Never on the fucking radio. I'm kidding. No. I mean, maybe it is. I'm not like you.

But still, the timing is crazy. It was insane. And what's the first lyric that I hear? I'm just an animal looking for a home. And I started fucking weeping, dude. I started crying so hard. Yeah. Just crying, all right?

And then that song ends. I finally pull myself together. I'm fucking cranking a Starbucks cold brew, all right? My fingers are shooting flame. There's electricity coming out of every hole in my body I see a fucking gut wagon This big old truck What's in the back of it? Two dead cows They're kissing

They're lip to lip, snout to snout I'm gonna weep again Life is beautiful But life is also pain What's the point of knowledge if all it brings is sorrow? Knowing anything That's a bad religion lyric. Dude, I think so. I am bad religion.

I'm every one of them. I am the holy book. You're infected. I started crying again. These fucking cows kissing. Well, that sounds pretty crazy. Dude, I've had a fucking crazy morning, dude. That's a lot. Yeah. I think that sometimes we do get the focus of a lot of the Earth's energy.

I mean, I was manic years ago. Everybody was terrified that I was going to take a cop's gun and put it in my mouth. That would have been the answer. So, yeah, you're fired up like I was. You were the disease and the cure at that point. That's right. Well, it does feel like you're paying attention to a lot of things that you don't. I'm a prism, and all the light in the world's

pouring through me. Manic energy feels good. It does. It's also very scary. I'm scared, and I'm also scary. I'm scared and scary. I'm the monster, and I'm the bed, and I'm hiding underneath myself. And the slayer.

Yeah, my big thing when I got manic and fired up was like, why aren't we ending this evil? We all know where the evil is. Why aren't we fighting it? Why are we just like, oh yeah, I gotta go to work and then meet up with my friends. Why does anyone do anything?

Why aren't we killing all of the people that are behind all of the shitty moves and the domination and stuff? Why haven't I stormed the governor's mansion right now? Why am I recording this podcast? I should be in there with a rifle holding his son hostage, just demanding free beds for all those that sleep outside. Right, like, yeah. If we all woke up at the same time, shit would get done, but we don't.

I think we might implode. I don't know, if we all all woke up if we had some kind of cosmic understanding being reached it would be energy would be a dying star dude well and i think it was a summer of love when everybody started to get on the same page and then what you know there was a big blowback big response from yeah government or you know our factions in the government that were like oh yeah we can't have everybody on the same page and promoting love and taking care of each other. So then there was, you know, either conflict,

there was, you know, serial killers and fucking crackdowns on crime or whatever. But meanwhile, you're arresting like protesters and shit. Well, even those people who had the epiphany and went to Woodstock, what was their answer? Let's fuck outside. You know what I mean? Let's all have crabs.

That's not a fucking solution. No, I'm talking about 67 was the summer of love. 67, man. My favorite Chevy. Okay, so things were starting to get organized, and then 68, Democratic Convention. We try to be powerful. The cops fucking crack people in the head. That's all they do. All they do is crack.

I want to crack back. I want to fucking come around the corner on a screen pass, the safety's not looking. I knock him right out of his fucking cleats. Meanwhile, you're talking about running the damn ball. You gotta run the damn ball, dude! A screen pass is a run. It's just a draw, but it's a pass. It's everything all

at once, brother. I preferred the summer of Lund. When you were losing it, it was pretty cool. You were very powerful. The fear that you were wielding, pretty effective. You were climbing trees? fear that you were wielding pretty effective you were climbing trees, you went straight panda bear climbing trees at that time was a source of calm

yeah you were getting back to your primal roots that's right, it felt natural and people got very scared at it I was full of justified anger especially towards pedophile priests.

Because come on, man. We were supposed to end that 50 years ago. But it didn't happen. Yeah, because the people in power love boy puss. The people in power were like, I gotta keep touching kids. They want that little Nedden pie.

It's the only thing that makes sense to me. Yeah. And so... It's calming, I bet. And one also... Hold on. Have you ever hung out with a child?

Their innocence is calming. But they're kind of stressful, too, because you're like, oh, don't swallow something and die. Don't stumble out into the street

chasing a butterfly or whatever. I'm not saying I want to fuck a kid, but maybe they do give you some power. There's power in young innocence where you explain stuff.

Let it out. Ah, man, it's all out. I'm trying to fucking... It's all out. I'm trying to shove it back in. That's what it feels like. It feels like all my innards are dangling, and I'm trying to fucking handful them back up my asshole. What'd you do last night that led to this dream, you think?

Watch the Broncos lose. What a game, huh? I had a very boring night last night. It was great. My brother-in-law, Emily's stepbrother, was in town. We watched the game. My friend Matt came over. He's also betrothed to a new doctor.

She's working nights. He was my responsibility. We laughed. We drank tiny cans of Bud Light. Not too many. Little eight-ounce cans. Those are funny. You look like Andre the Giant. Maybe that's. Little 8-ounce cans. Those are funny.

You look like Andre the Giant. Maybe that's what it was. I felt so powerful subconsciously. You felt bigger, yeah. But I didn't have a weird night. I didn't go to bed doing anything. I didn't, like, you know, fucking huff any duster. I didn't read any scripture.

All right? Usually that's what I do. No, you don't. I usually fall asleep reading The Good Book. The Good Book? Yeah, Geek Club. Patriot Games? Oh, okay. Geek Club? Hell yeah. I usually fall asleep reading The Good Book. The Good Book? Yeah, Geek Club. Patriot Games? Oh, okay.

Geek Club, hell yeah. I remember that one. That's a good one. There's nothing that tipped me off on this, and that's the beauty of it, is I know I only have eight hours of this, and then I'm going to be physically and emotionally exhausted. Sure. I'm going to feel like I ran a 10K and banged 10 gays. You're going to have to get some Bengay on your joints because they're going to be worn out.

I'm draining. This feels like my brain's coming, and it's also the deep shame of your first seed that you bear. You know what I mean? The first plop you do. Oh, yeah. That first fucking nut. Oh, God.

I was like 12 reading The Shining. Yeah. I jerk off for the first time to scrambled porn it doesn't come in all the way but you can hear it you can see a tit now and then I touch myself I have no idea what comes next and when I jizzed

I was like oh fuck I did it wrong so I go into the bathroom and I'm sitting on the toilet wondering how much is going to come out or whatever I also start reading The Shining because I'm on the toilet like wondering how much is going to come out or whatever yeah and i'm also timing it i also like start reading the shining because i'm on the toilet so you were there was a lot going on you were post first coital session and then you read the shining again no no like i was in the middle of reading it i jerked while you jerked no no no like i was reading it around that time and then you were like and then i jerk off and i'm in the bathroom and I'm not sure how long I need to be on the

toilet. Yeah, do you need to call your priest? I'll read some more of The Shining. So they're intertwined. My innocence being gone down that toilet hole was at the same time I'm reading Stephen King. I bet if you went to the Stanley and you jerked off, you'd blow a hole in the ceiling.

That's your fucking horcrux, man. That's where you go. That's your tomb.crux man that's where you go that's your tomb yeah they're they're they're definitely entwined forever for me uh i love that dead twin girls and me touching myself yeah anyway i feel i feel like i've committed the ultimate sin i feel like i've betrayed yeah i am i am the gigaroth what do you got becker the battery just drained from like half to dead and and I don't want to lose it. You and everybody freaked out. If you would have been around, you would have been like, no way, he rules.

Just listen to him. I was saying this guy rules, but I was also in San Francisco. Are we back in? Yeah. Man, all right. So that's some more heavy voodoo, some bad juju on your grizz grizz. I just drained this fucking battery. Was it half?

Halfway? Half full. Jake, our scientist, our shepherd, we're Half full. Jake? Our scientist? Our shepherd? Where the fuck? Jake keeps us safe from the storm. I just drained this fucking battery because I'm sucking energy and I'm giving it back. We didn't even need any new batteries. I could have licked the fucking

prongs in there. And this thing would have shot sparks, alright? Sounds like you should have breathed life back into that dead bird. Dude, I might have been able to. Was it a crow? I don't know. Was it a big black bird?

I'm not an aviary scientist. Was it a big old crow? No, it was some kind of dirty gray shit bird. A little sparrow? I don't know, probably some kind of city pigeon. You should have pulled a powder. It probably was a dove, but the smoke that surrounds us stained its wings. Its feathers have been sullied

by the burn. Look, man, I wish I was around when you were fucking crazy. I was in San Francisco. That was after that girl ditched me and dropped me. You thought that I left. That's probably why you lost your mind. If I was here... It had nothing to do with you. If I was here, dude, we would have started a new church.

We would have had a new language. We would have had new numbers. Alright? The math would have all added up and the answer would have been a new language. We would have had new numbers. Alright? Yeah. The math would have all added up and the answer would have been zero. It's a zero-sum game! I'm Manson! I sound like Manson! I do! We need a flock, dude! When you move to Trinidad, we need to fucking open it up. We need to buy some land

and just secede from the struggle. For sure. And start over, man. Yeah. Let's give it all back and take it all away. That's the trick to sounding crazy is you just say one thing you say the opposite oh sure yeah cover all of the ground for sure yeah and nobody can really come at you because you already said what they maybe would have tried to say that's what i learned in those rhetoric classes that i took in college during my my accumulation of knowledge yeah that's what i call my schooling. How long were you in college? 13 years.

They wouldn't let me out. They said you're important. I was in there. I need 12 credits to graduate from Metro State College of Denver. Now Metro State University. After I left, they went to my university because I imparted

so much deep wisdom. They got accredited. They got their last 12 credits and became a school. Do I go back to school? Is that what I do? Is that the answer? No! Because I imparted so much deep wisdom. They got accredited. Yeah. They got their last 12 credits. That's right. And became a school. Do I go back to school? Is that what I do? Is that the answer?

No. No. School's a scam. Bachelor's degrees are not super powerful, unless it's in, like, computer science. I want a degree in bachelor parties. I just want to go to stag parties, watch strippers, teach people how to do blow-off boobs. That could be my... Teach people.

Yeah. That could be it. Show them how to roll up a $100 bill, grab that hooter, keep it firm, plant the straw. Good night, nurse! She's a nurse. I need to have a nurse right now. I need to get a blood transfusion. I need to know, I need to give my blood to everybody right now. Yeah, your blood has lightning in it right now. Dude, I'm the genie and I'm out of the fucking lamp. When did you wake up? I've never been to sleep. I've always been.

I don't sleep. I wait. I'm Chuck Norris. I'm saying, did you wake up and then immediately come down here? Or did you wake up a few hours ago and you've just been sitting on this? I woke up at 10 through a hefty rope. Alright. Oh, that's the thing. I went pee, went back to bed, checked the alarm. 10am,

I was like, cool, I got another hour to sleep. That's when I dreamt of the sword. That's when the sword appeared. Back to bed. That's when I manifested it. It was in that hour. The deepest sleep comes before one must awake forever. Think about that. Alright, pinching. I'm pinching!

I'm pinching a loaf! I'm shitting this chair! I'm pinching the tip of my dick. Did anyone ever tell you that when you were a kid? What? Dan Shaw once told me, if you need to wee, the way to cut off that urge is to pinch the tip of your hog. But, in fact, it makes you need to wee even more. Oh, yeah. He was pinch-fibbing.

Well, he had an older brother. His older brother taught him. He tricked him. Full of shit. Yeah, I remember standing at Casey Jones Park right by the slide, fifth grade. I pinched my little ween. I fed the baby bird a squeeze, and then Dan was like, ha ha, you have to pee. And I was like, I do.

And then I went and pissed in a trough next to a cowboy. Very clear vision. We had one of those big troughs at Casey Jones Park. You know? That's where I went and peed, next to a man. I think that man looked down at me, and he saw my red penis. And he said, you were tricked by the Shahs. The Shah's been tricking people for generations.

I ran. That's no good. I'm running. I'm running away from it all. And I'm circling back. God, I can't even remember what dumb shit me and my friends believed because of older... I'm the oldest, so I didn't get any bullshit from an older sibling. Yeah, you bullied.

But it was around. No, I didn't bully. I just had the firstborn coronation. You know, I had the privileges that came with being the oldest. It's your job. Most of the good, none of the bad. It's your job to give false flags to the youngers.

Mislead them. I don't think I did. I think you were probably a good brother. You're my brother. I tried. I'm older than you. I know. I'm your big brother. But really, what is age besides a deceit perpetrated by the one true son? Look,

here's the thing. That's not an ambulance charter. Yeah, son's S-O-N. What is age? I want you to know that if we were together during your period of insanity, I'm glad I wasn't there. You probably would have swayed me. Well, it was mostly just being fired up and then, and like excited because I was working at the Mayan movie theater and I quit. I was in a relationship that needed to end and I ended it. And so the whole world was ahead of me and I was very excited and kind of didn't feel like I needed to sleep too much.

Yeah, I love sleep though. Well, yeah, I did. And then in that time, I didn't think that I needed to sleep as much. I didn't have to wake up at any time, you know, without the day job. Yeah, you were like a Leviathan who had been in slumber for a thousand years. Right. And your hundred eyes all opened at once. I was ready to roll.

I remember the tree climbing. That was the first sign of the new story being told. It was just, you know, instead of being pissed off at stuff and just swallowing it. Swallow my pride. Yeah. Choking on the rhyme. Yeah. I was like letting shit out.

I got mad at a bar owner because the sound set up was awful. That was Michael Carter's show. Was it? The late dead Michael Carter. It was somewhere north of here and it was Michael Carter's show. Was it? The Late Dead Michael Carter. It was somewhere north of here, and it was just like a bar. It was like chugs or mugs or thunder buckets. Just some random

little bar that had like this shitty amp. Monday Night Show, I remember. And it sounded awful, and he was like, no, it's good. I think you guys should just do the show. He was like, yeah, I'll bet you do. It was like you were trying to talk through a 1980s drive-thru window. That's what it sounded like.

Yeah. And we were up there about to split $12. Right. And Michael Carter's like, it's fine, man. This is the show. It made me very mad. And so, yeah, I had to leave. I remember coming outside and looking for Lund.

And then I heard like a... That wasn't eating bugs. You were chewing on bark. No. Yeah, you were sucking the fucking water out of the stump, man. I was looking for honey. You were, yeah. I was Piglet. I didn't have any pants on.

Piglet wore a onesie. Think about that. He must have had a butt flap. He was pooping out the flap. Well Well his tail poked out too It did poke out Yep That was True North It always pointed to True North

Just like me I literally feel like I was struck by lightning Yeah You ever wept Feels good Wept next to two dead cows After weeping before

While driving Yeah And then a prisoner called me And I had to talk to a prisoner Weeping? Yeah. No, I didn't weep. I didn't show any,

show no weakness in front of those who were behind bars. How do you, do you try to sound gruff on the phone with the prisoners? Yeah. Who is this?

Hey, who is this? No, because they say their name when they call you collect. Oh, right. Before you accept the call? Mm-hmm. No, I don't sound gruff. I give them everything I can.

You sound caring. Yeah, they're incarcerated. Yeah. They're the man in the box. I'm terrified of being in jail. It sounds horrible. Don't sound gruff. I give them everything I can. You sound caring. Yeah, they're incarcerated. Yeah. They're the man in the box. I'm terrified of being in jail. It sounds horrible. Don't go to jail. Well, that's easy for you to say.

If you went to jail, you'd have to become a Muzz. Yeah. You'd have to join the Brotherhood. That'd be my move. You'd have to roll with Jesus. That's what they say in there. But you just said the Muzz, Muslims. Muslims are cool.

I don't think they would have you. There's still a lot of racial lines. You were talking about Jesus, though. Well, Jesus and Muhammad, they're all one. I don't think in prison they're one. They're all tracings. I would pray to Cocopelli. I would pray to the flute god of the Southwest.

Yeah, let your hair dread. Yeah, man. Play woodwind instruments. Uh-huh. I would craft a woodwind that was also a blade. Oh, okay. And I would go

and I would play a song. And that would be the last thing they ever heard. For I sent them to God to be judged for their transgressions. One of the things I obsessed over

was the idea of taking out people that were evil. You had murderous ideation. Well, that was part of righting the wrongs, was getting rid of these evil people. So, yeah. And I thought about how... You were Christopher Dorner. Dorner was fired up for sure.

Dorner rocks. Man, it was hard not to root for him. Dorner's the patron saint of this pod. He was trying to do something memorable. Look, everyone, light a candle and pray to Dorner. All right? We'll have a statue of him in our compound in Trinidad, Colorado. Yeah.

Yeah. That won't raise any eyebrows. No. Who is that guy? Oh, remember that cop that just started killing other cops for a while? Mm-hmm. Yeah, that lasted longer than I thought it would, too. He did okay.

He holed up in the mountains or something. Wait. I've been shooting these pigs. That's probably what he sounded like. Yeah, he was probably a pretty baritone fella. Oh, yeah. He was a big guy. Big man, dude.

He had a skull you would pray to if you found it in the desert. Fucking huge head, man. They couldn't find a hat for him. I remember when we were yelling at pigs in front of your house during the conflict that was the summer of 2020. There was that guy. There was a big fucking cop. He looked like the judge from Blood Meridian.

Remember they couldn't find a helmet for him? And Mel was yelling, they can't even find a helmet for his ass! Yeah And Mel was yelling, they can't even find a helmet for his ass! Yeah, he got it. Yeah, Mel got him. Yeah. Fuck.

I'm feeling good. That's the thing. If you're listening to this... I'm feeling this. Yeah, if you're a loved one, don't worry. Don't fear for me. I'm already gone. I sleep with the angels,

and I fuck the devil. They make strange bedfellows. But I do know, that's the beauty of this, because when I was a kid, I would have these dreams of power, a dream of the sword, when I was a child. And I would wake up. The sword has been with me since time immortem. Since time immodium.

Maybe I've been with the sword my entire consciousness. You are the sword. I think I was born under the sword. That is freaky. Because I have read about the DMT thing and how the religions, the Judeo-Christian faiths were born out of the same stories, which came from people who studied under the trees that DMT is in. Yeah, they studied next to Po what, Poisonous Argot? Jake doesn't know about this.

He's a comic book car guy. He doesn't know about mystic faiths. The very birth of thought. The egg that was knowledge and how it cracked on the brains of mankind. No, but when I was... You were a kid, so where'd that come from? I don't know. That's the thing.

It was pre-knowledge. It was shown to you. I can't fucking lift the sword. I can't ever reach the sword. I've touched the sword once. What happened? You came? No, I don't remember. I touched the sword. I think I woke up. Yeah. That was at the peak of my power. My virility.

I was 25. Rock hard. Yeah. God. Do you remember at a boner or how powerful you were? No, I'm just remembering how afraid I've been of the sword. I need to understand the blade. The blade has two sides. Both of them cut, but one of them heals.

I need to figure out which one. Yeah. And the sword is ornate. The handle, you know? The handle is often obsidian. It's black, but sometimes it has a silver gilt to it. Gild on the lily. I need to check my pulse.

Check your privilege. I'm privileged to know the sword. I smoke weed, so I don't have the privilege of remembering my dreams. Yeah, man, I don't know anything about weed anymore. I miss weed. I went to the doctor. The doctor said I'm fine. So maybe I can smoke weed again

and just like power through the panic. Maybe the panic is the lesson I'm supposed to learn. I don't know. I feel like if you smoke certain strains, you're more likely to have those racing thoughts. I think it's all bullshit. It's all terpenes, right? Sativa, indica, they're the same thing.

We were fed lies. All we've known is lies. We've all eaten out of the same dish and it's filled with fucking mistruths, man. We need to get off all fours and raise up to our hinds and eat off the top of the fridge where the granola bars live.

Yeah, that was where the good stuff was. The nutty bars and the fucking... Maybe it's because I ate so much cheese. Don't tie it to some bullshit about your diet. It's bigger than that. I ate a lot of cheese yesterday. Cheese is known to do this.

Cheese causes nightmares. Yeah, it causes nightmares. Oh. But it's not a nightmare. But the flaming sword is... It sounds like it fucked you up pretty good, bud. It always fucks me up. I don't know that that's a dream and not a nightmare.

I don't know. It fucks me up, but also I love that's a dream and not a nightmare I don't know it fucks me up but also I love it and I embrace it but I will right around the nuggets game tonight I'm going to I'm going to need to see a doctor I'm going to need to go to bed and I'll sleep

or or I'll never sleep again maybe I'll persist that's where I got into trouble when the lack of desire for sleep stretched into, like, week three. Yeah. That's when I would get mad. Like, remember Diablo was around the corner on South Broadway?

Yeah, you fucking wanted to fight that little man. No, what happened at Diablo was... The little man in the window. We had a table of, like, twelve. Scott Yoss. Scott Yoss, yes. No, I didn't want to fight that dude. He's cool. You literally wanted to break him in half.

I did not. You wanted to feed on the marrow of his bones. He was there at night. This was during the day. We had a table of 12. We were spending a bunch of money. We get the bill and I get charged for refills on a Sprite or something. I get mad. I want to yell about it but I know nobody's going to like that so

I leave. My move at that time was I would get very mad and have to take my shirt off in order to calm down, cool down a little bit. You had to expose yourself to the night sky. I had to become more primal. Clothes felt like they were a prison, and so I was popping the shirt off and just taking walks around the block, looking for trees to climb to center myself because, man, I would go off kilter. I would get so fired up. And sometimes it was, I mean, that obviously was not a good example of righteous anger. No, you terrorized the taco man.

No, no. It wasn't that, dude. But, yeah, there were a few other occasions where I would get very mad, pop the shirt off, storm around. Luckily, like, never had the cops called on me. That wouldn't have ended well. We had to send animal control. Yeah. I wish I could have fallen into some kind of trap where I would have been caged up and people have been like, hey, listen, you got to settle down, mister.

Yeah. Have some water. You'd be like, bring me the light. There was a. You pretty much talked like, you were like. That was 24-7 in your head. Yeah, that. Yeah, there was definitely a get pumped up soundtrack blasting in my head.

You ever read Grendel? I don't my head. Have you ever read Grendel? I don't think so. You need to read Grendel. Grendel, the monster from Beowulf. Oh, yeah. Beowulf, of course. One of the first stories a man ever put down on parchment. An epic poem.

I've read it, but it's been a long time. Grendel, you read Beowulf? I think I've read Beowulf in college. I never read Beowulf. But Grendel's cool. It's about the monster, and he goes and lives with his mom in the cave. He's just a baby. He doesn't know any better.

He's just a fucking knave. And he needs to feed. He needs to eat goats. He needs to suck. He needs to suck the blood and eat the wool. But sometimes, I love Beowulf. I identify with Beowulf often. Or no, I love Grendel.

Excuse me. Yeah, you're Grendel. Well, I read it as a kid when I was like 14, and no one wanted to touch my ween, and I was disgusting and smelled like hay. I smelled like those cows who were smooching. In debt. They were still locked.

Dead beef. Yeah, anyway. You guys should all read Grendel. We should start a book club. No, that's stupid. I like that you got the quick edit yeah you let it out but then there's still someone that's there's still some quality control there's still a man in here the message is getting out yeah you might be looking at it being a pure flame but there's still a man underneath these

blue licking lights all right but yeah we talked in a previous episode about what comes next and i feel like there's something i feel like this is just chapter this isn't even chapter one this is like the boring middle part of the book because our creation was long ago and i think that there's a lot that's happened that we were a part of that we don't get to remember in like we're constrained into this body yeah and there's so much more that we, and we get little hints of it through dreams or tripping, you know, or even just if you try to focus on, you know, your past or something, you can remember some random shit.

Yeah. And I think it... I think I remember the sword. Well... I think the sword's a deep memory we all share, but I've been trusted with the knowledge of it. Uh-huh. Yeah, so I mean the sword. Well. I think the sword's a deep memory we all share. But I've been trusted with the knowledge of it. Uh-huh. Yeah, so I mean,

yeah, so maybe you get little glimpses into the big picture now and then. But whenever you can pull the curtain back, you know,

it's like we're all standing behind the curtain and the show's about to start. Alright, the fucking footlights are on. But we never really get to go out and do the show, man.

Yeah, like we're watching the fucking previews. We're watching the trailers for the, you know, the coming attractions. And the coming attractions come after we're done in this form. And, I mean, come on. It's so big. You know, the universe and the multiverse, there's so much more than what we get to see right now. We need it to be big. We can't grasp so much of it

because we're just, you know, we're little babies. I think we want it to be big so we can feel small and powerless when really we have all the power. No one wants to step up and take a swing. We're all standing in the fucking batter's box, man. We got the donuts on the bat. But no one wants to get up to the plate

and whack a dinger for mankind. I want to whack that dinger, dude. Dorner did. So did Manson. Dorner whacked a dinger. Manson? Yeah, all the heroes. All those that were brave enough.

I think he had a whole, he was working on his story. He was a huckster. Since he was young. Flim flam man. To get laid and to have control over people. The oil of the snake. I think he got good at saying things that other people weren't saying. Yeah, like me.

Getting to the real truths. But I think his thing was mostly to get seen or to be feared maybe by some people. He'd let that side out. But most of the time, I'll bet he was preaching peace and love in the hopes of, you know, having like an eight way with a bunch of 17 year olds. Yeah, that's real helter skelter. Yeah. The race war was a lie.

The race war was to scare people into... Banging him. Hanging out with him. Yeah. Sucking his dick. You scared? We're all scared scared have a little slurp he was like five one and he had all this power because he was talking like a freak and people got into it freak talking rules i'm all about it a lot of cool stuff happened at woodstock that i didn't know about which was like the the neighborhood brought them food like awesome prevented them from freaking out because they weren't able to get supplies sent in.

So the town, not Woodstock because it wasn't in Woodstock, the actual town was a different one. I can't think of what it was. It was like Truman's Grove, New York. No, I can't remember now, damn it. Helter Skelter, New York. No, I can't remember now, damn it. Helter Skelter, New York? Now, whatever the name of it, it was a different town because it got moved from Woodstock.

Santana played. And Santana Moss caught that deep ball. Solid point. Last night, dude, that shovel pass we tried to run, you see this game? I saw that play. Yeah, that was dumb. You're going to run a shovel pass to your backup tight end. Also, this game? I saw that play. Yeah, that was dumb. You're going to run a shovel pass to your backup tight end.

Also, you might not be a sports fan, you might live in Belgium. A bunch of Belgium people hit me up. Shout out Belgium. Ah! Yeah, fucking love it over there.

That's the first place I ever visited in Europe. It's all kismet. Everything's making sense. If you really look into it. If you read the bones, you can see that the animal was detached the whole time.

But, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, but there's something look into it. If you read the bones, you can see that the animal was detached the whole time. But, uh... What was I talking about? Oh, yeah. There's something to get excited about. The Broncos have a tight end named Jake Butt. B-U-T-T. Oh, yeah. And that rules. I can't imagine growing up. There was a kid in our neighborhood that, Jeremiah Butt. Yeah.

And I felt so bad for him, because it's cool in, what, college? Maybe high school? To be the butt man? If your last name was butt, you could own it. But when you're seven or ten, you're fucked. That sucks, man. That's a lot. So yeah, hopefully people are rallied around the butt man.

That Titan. Ooh, a Titan versus a horse. Classic battle. Anyway. Stallions. Which rides which. But that Titan got kicked out of the game last night for punching butt. I didn't see that.

It was a butt punch that got him booted. Booted for a butt punch. Now, if you can't find meaning in that, you're blind. You ate your own eyes. Airplane mode. It's on silent. The pod is all that matters. Let the pod wash over you.

This is the best thing I'm doing, by the way. I fucking love the pod, dude. Pod's all that matters. Live for the pod. Wait a minute. Live by the sword, die by the pod. The sword told you, keep doing the pod. The pod is the way. I don't know if we should trust this fucking sword anymore. Has the sword

ever led me wrong? I think this might be the big reveal that the sword is playing your ass. No, I love this pod. Yeah that the sword is playing your ass. No, I love this pop. Yeah. The sword has implored me. What if the sword...

To say the word. Well, I was going to say, what if the sword is an allegory for the S word, and we need to keep swearing and being of the earth? Irreverent. Stop trying to act like we're so pious. Dude, we don't know anything. All that matters is laughing.

That's the only thing that has any worth. Alright, everything else is pain and sorrow. It's all fucking acid rain and we're drinking it up by the shoe load.

We're filling our shoes, putting them to our ear and hello? Alright, that's what you gotta do. Talking to your shoe, that's a funny bit. Me and Bobby did that.

Classic, yeah. Now Bobby's a lawyer and I'm a swordsman. He's in law school. He's my lawyer. I called him. I said, Bobby, you need to talk to this sword. Is it illegal to cut someone in half? Let me finish.

If the sword is on fire, sent from God, will I be acquitted? If God gives you the sword, you can't go to hell. You can reign in heaven. Maybe this is heaven. That's scary. Think about that. This is as good as it gets? This is as good as it gets.

Uh-oh! I've gotten loco, papi. I don't think that this is it. I think this is, like I said, this is the middle of the book. This is, you know, part of our journey. I think there's a lot more that comes after this. Death. And we have more.

After death, there's more. No, no, no. I think there is. Uh-uh. Okay. It's all dirt. It's all dirt and worms. Nah, that's boring.

I know it's boring. Life is boring. I think there's something cool. That's why we gotta giggle. We gotta laugh. Ha ha ha! That's me. That's most of the part already is us giggling. We don't need to add in more laughter. What if we did a laughter yoga thing where we just fake laugh for an entire

episode? Supposedly that really actually works. Yeah, because your brain is so stupid. You can get the endorphins going. You get the oxytocin from a giggle if you force it or not.

What a fucking allegory. You can just fake it and be fine. That's what we've learned. Less Oxycontin, more oxytocin. I would love an Oxy.

That's what I need. Snort it. Yeah. I need to fucking lick that time release off and just throw a secret party no drugs aren't the answer quit hiding behind these these fucking pale shades let the light in damn it well i mean smoke weed for sure i can't smoke weed oh i was telling the listener

smoke weed it rules no listeners here's what you do's a distraction. Send a mail bomb to a post office. Be the change. Let's get flagged. Let's get Homeland Security kicking down our doors. We have a lot of fans. Jake Flores. Shout out. Was that a false flag?

Operator, connect me to the truth. No, Jake rules. I'm doing his podcast soon. Oh, good. Yeah. Burt's podcast comes out tomorrow. Nice. doing his podcast soon. Oh, good. Yeah. Burt's podcast comes out tomorrow. Nice. Maybe I will be the richest man alive.

I fear that. Maybe that's what this is teetering on. Then what comes next? What happens? Does nothing happen? That's the scariest thing. If you pull the pin on a grenade and you hold it in your hand and it doesn't explode? You're on a roll, dude. I feel like, yeah, maybe some of the...

Because you've sent out... Summer of Sam. You've sent out... Shelby Behemoth. That's all added up. I feel like, yeah, maybe some of the... Because you've sent out... Summer of Sam. You've sent out... Chubby Behemoth. That's all added up. I didn't even think about that. Yeah, dude. That your name is Sam.

I forgot. I don't know. No, I didn't make the connection between Chubby Behemoth and Son of Sam and you. But yeah, I don't think we've mentioned that either, but that's where Chubby Behemoth comes from. They don't need to know. Okay. Shut up. Do the research yourself just hit you no feed i call me bill cower because this sucks you latch to my bosom and milk explodes that'd

be cool no comes out yeah if i could make milk to feed my friends i wouldn't want any you would have to you'd be the first one to have a taste. A bunch of curly hairs in your mouth as you suckle. No, I would do you a favor. I'd get duct tape.

You'd wax it? And I would lance my boil. So I could feed you. That was an embarrassing thing I heard in high school. So in high school, my nipples used to get hard underneath my t-shirts.

And I hated it. And I would often, I would wear my jersey to school. You know when you're running? No, my nipples used to get hard underneath my t-shirts. And I hated it. And I would often wear my jersey to school. You know, when you're running. No, this isn't going to connect with anyone. Anyway, when you wear an unpleasant textile, your nipples will chafe. Oh, sure. All right? That resonates with a lot of people who have worked out.

See? You know about it. Everybody. You thought that that was just going to be something nobody could identify with? I, again, thought that I was on some new thing. They don't know about nipples chafing. Maybe that's the milk. Maybe I need to make my nipples bleed so you can feed.

The blood. Yeah, the blood's the milk. The blood of the sand. Yes, dude. Anyway, so I would hate that. We'd have to wear our jerseys to school on Friday, and my nipples would chafe. And they'd be red. Sometimes they would bleed.

No undershirt? Even with an undershirt, man. I'm all about the undershirt. I'm always two layers. First day of freshman year of high school, I wore a Rashaan Salam Bears jersey. Yeah, dude. Signal. No shirt underneath, like an idiot. Fool. The whole day, I'm seeing all these other people with football jerseys on with a white shirt underneath.

You have to. And I thought I was going to be just hanged right then. Just crucified. Well, not for Rashan Salam. Different. No. Yeah, not for advocating Muslim nation. Yeah.

But no. And he went to CU, right? Yeah. And killed it. Then went to the Bears. Massive failure. He was one of many Bears that looked great in college and then did little to nothing. It's because they didn't read the hat.

They didn't read the thorns on my crown. They didn't run the damn ball. That's right. All right? No, I think it's Logan Mankins. No, it's a different guy. Anyway, so I would put duct tape on my nipple so that I wouldn't be hurt. All right? But one time I forgot about the duct tape.

And we went and we played our football game that evening, that fateful night. And we dominated as we did. I was all state. I think Justin Myers ran for 180 yards that game. Anyway. I was progressive. You were progressive. All right.

And we're all the gecko on the rock. You were all state and you were in an insurance policy for your quarterback. Whoa. In Stanton, Peppermint. So anyway, after games, it was my job to lead the celebration in the locker room with a truffle shuffle, which was passed down to me from Wyatt Mays, who was the coolest man alive. All right? Big fat guy.

Used to bang freshmen. I was like, this guy rocks. I had no idea. Ever told that story on the coolest man alive. All right. Big fat guy. Used to bang freshmen. I was like, this guy rocks. I had no idea. Ever told that story on the pod? You're evil. No. He was banging this girl named Ashley Port. We were at a party my freshman year.

And Wyatt was like, you can hang out with me, Fridge. He called me Fridge. Awesome. Term of endearment. I have a nickname from a 19-year-old. Cool. He was grooming you. I remember Ashley Port was sitting on his lap.

And he was like, I call my dick heroin, because she can't get enough. And I was like, yeah, this guy's cool. This guy's Bukowski. He's begging a child. So anyway, which is not cool, I went to do my truffle shuffle, which was the biggest deal. Everyone looked forward to it after a victory. And I removed my blouse. Your sportsman's blouse. Your sportsman's blouse.

Yes. My silk blouse. And I revealed the tape on said nipples. Didn't remember at all. No idea. Until people started laughing. And no one rejoiced. It got real quiet.

The celebration that we had grown accustomed to was not there. It was tainted. And everyone looked at me and I'm standing on the bench wiggling, shaking my gut and my head coach, Coach Klein, walks up,

rips the tape off my nipple. Oh, shit. And he says, what the fuck is this? And I was like, oh no. Nipples are a sin. But I parlayed it

because I was like, I was trying to make it spicy, Coach, and I ripped the other one off. Everyone went crazy. Yeah. You're back in control. I was, yeah. I ripped the other one off. Everyone went crazy. Yeah, you're back in control. I was, yeah. I was the puppet no longer. I was the puppeteer.

I like being the marionette. My weakness is my strength. But that was a very scary three seconds. Yeah. You think everything's going to be different? Everyone thought it was some kind of sex creep. You know? A queeb and a dweeb.

A little queebus. of sex creep. You know? A queeb and a dweeb. A little queebus. Just, yeah, the tables have turned and all of a sudden you're in danger

of being the outcast that everybody makes fun of. The entire locker room would chant truffle shuffle. Yeah, they want it. Hop up there, fridge.

I didn't even take my cleats off. I'd hop up on that bench risking death just to entertain. What else is new? Oh, damn. Get up on there, dude. That must have been

pretty precarious. Cleats on concrete are bad, too. But yeah, you're talking about jumping up onto a bench. I would hop up, do a 180. A sick, varial maneuver. Christ air. Yeah, dude. I was spinning. That was like when you had the Rishon Salaam

and you were doing the Muhammad air. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. But anyway, yeah, that was a very scary time. My nipples did not bleed, though. Close call. Close call. Being labeled a dweebus forever.

Total perv. Total perv. Somebody who's ashamed of his nips. Uh-huh. They were, yeah, and people asked me about that forever, and they were like, that was sick, man. How'd you know we were going to win? That fake out? Yeah. Yeah, and people asked me about that forever and they were like, that was sick, man. How'd you know we were going to win?

That fake out? Yeah. No, they didn't know. Oh, right, right, right. Yeah. I've never told anyone about the sword and I've never,

ever fessed up for that. Revelations appearing today. We're the sword and the stoned. Dude, I wish I was stoned all the time. Those were the days. Being numb.

It's kind of a, yeah, it's kind of, I was going to say, it's kind of a governor on your mind where it's like. We don't need governors. We don't need politicians. Maybe. No, that's true. But I think some of us need weeds so that we don't start killing priests who maybe committed crimes.

Yeah. Or doing pills. Becker's over there. He's pointing to himself. Two thumbs. Yep. Eight fingers. Pointing up at God.

When we were in Durango and Becker was blasting those dabs, I was like, oh yeah, that is medicine. You want that feeling, but I think you also need it to help you. Yeah. I was envious. I was drinking light beer Like a proletariat asshole Like a goat Liquid bread for the poor You ever been to that bar in Memphis

Where they feed the goat the can? No, you told me about it It's pretty sick, man We were in Memphis once I meant to go back We had a good time in Memphis From Greece? Athens?

Memphis, Georgia? Memphis, Staphylies? Yeah, it's where the devil lives in the big old river. The big muddy. Yeah. Mm-hmm. But yeah, you can go to a bar and you can crack a Foster's. Well, I think it's one of those oil can beers.

I think Miller High Life has an oil can beer. They do, yeah. You crack it, you slurp it. I used to pound those. I love them, dude. I love a big beer. I also love a small beer. I don't like a 12-ounce can.

I want a 32-ounce can or I want an 8-ounce can, or I want an 8-ounce can. Or a little baby boy. I want to feel big or small. I never want to feel normal. Mmm, interesting. Maybe that speaks to the liquor. But anyway, I was envious of your clouds you were blowing. I mean...

You became your own smoke. Yeah. But it tones down those killing priest thoughts. Just, yeah. Oof. Well, yeah. but it tones down those killing priest thoughts just yeah well yeah so i guess well maybe it would be worth the up you know this like huge crazy purge because on the other side of that would be like you were saying a new beginning starting over getting like cleansing our demons or whatever i don't know it would be pretty sick if we could burn down all the churches. The Hydra has too many heads.

I know. I'm not saying it would happen. I'm saying, hypothetically, if we did have this concentrated five years of rooting out all of the shitheads and uncovering them from under their rocks. I think it would take longer than five years. The hydra has so many heads that need to be cut off.

Think of all the eyes and tongues it has. So it can see and it can warn. It can smell with its tongue. That's how snakes do it. God, what if we were snakes? I would be terrified. It would suck. It would suck.

It would suck if you had consciousness of being a human, and then to go to a snake, because to not have arms or legs, to just be on your belly, you'd feel so weak, so vulnerable. But also, you would maybe be venomous, or people wouldn't know if you were venomous or not. Right, people would give you some space, and you could just live underneath that rock. Except for at night, you'd have to hide in the warmth.

Where do snakes go at night? They burrow most of them. That's the name of my next novel. Yeah, little dens. Oh, man. It would be cool to have no arms and no legs. Do harm, lay eggs. Or less things to worry about.

Wouldn't have to worry about biting my nails. No, I do. I chomp. I i haven't been i know you haven't i mean i still do but the the the fear of catching coronavirus and putting it in my mouth has allowed me to like grow out my nails and get to that point where instead of just chewing them down to nothing i get some of that pleasure out of cleaning underneath them. I miss being able to chew my toenails. I have fond memories of being a limber child with very long limbs, shoving that big toe in your mouth, ripping it off to the quick, bleeding.

You miss that. I miss that big toenail. That's the best nail on the body. Because do you chew and then nibble? Or do you chew and then spit? I usually spit. I like to have it. Sometimes I'll pick my teeth with a tail, with a toenail. Not with a toenail. I've done that. I think that's why we have

nails. To pick our teeth? Yeah, because you rip off that big nail and then you can get in the crevices in your mouth. Think about that. That's why we grew nails? Yeah. Well, we don't have claws or long teeth. Humans had to work together. We evolved in kind you had to you had to get someone to fucking uh scare the buffalo off the hill with you you know what i mean no but well how did we get to the top of the food chain

if we don't have big teeth if we're not incredibly fast you know what i mean we don't have a we don't have a shell we don't have scales we don't have a shell. We don't have scales. We don't have claws. We had to work together, man. For sure, yeah. I just start crying. Yeah, no, we did work together. Humans are also the fastest animal over distance. Yeah, because we can sweat. So what about a cheetah?

Yeah, it can go 60 for like a mile and then be exhausted, and we can run it down and kill it. Yeah, I just saw something that was about that. We can sustain speed for longer than any. Can they hear you? They can hear you. Listen to this, you fucking pigs.

You kindergartners. Yeah, Papa Jake stepping up to the table and putting some mashed potatoes on your plate. Yum, yum. Here's the gravy. Don't ask what's in it. I didn't know about that. Yeah. I feel like, but we're so fragile. Think of our femurs. Think of the power in your femur.

Maybe the sword is a femur. If I had to choose one weapon to go into battle with, I would choose a human femur. Okay. The ultimate shillelagh. weapon to go into battle with, I would choose a human femur. Okay. The ultimate shillelagh. Dude, have you got your head fucking caved in with your own femur bone?

Just desserts. Wouldn't you rather pick somebody else's femur bone so it doesn't have to be yours? I want to see my own skeleton. That's my biggest regret in life, is not being able to see what my bone structure looks like. I've said this before, I mean it. I want to know my own skeleton. That's my biggest regret in life, is not being able to see what my bone structure looks like. I've said this before, I mean it.

I want to know what my skeleton is. I want to be able to rattle the bars in my cage. We could look up someone who is the same size as you, and then see if there's pictures of their skeleton available. Interesting. No, because I have a very pronounced rib cage. What if you just got a full body x-ray, paid the money to have it done? I would have to have an x-ray done and then a 3D model printed of my skeleton. Oh, you want to physically hold and touch it?

He wants to fuck a version of himself. I do, dude. The ultimate narcissist. You bleach its hair. I would love to, when I have my child, when I sire my kin, I would like to punish him by making him stand in my skeleton. Okay. I would like to have him get in my ribcage and think, one day you will grow. But right now, you're my heart.

And I must keep you safe. Nice. Just saying. I feel bad for that kid already. My kid's going to be powerful. That's going to be a lot. Yeah, my kid's going to know too much. How disappointed would you be if your son didn't dream of the sword?

Interesting. I don't want him to bear this cross. Okay. I want him to dream of nothing. I want him to be able to smoke weed. I want my kid to be fucking an iry little boy. I want an iry child who's swimming in denim.

Sounds alright. Throwing rocks at trains? That was a big part of my childhood. I used to, we used to put fake bodies in the street. We would throw cans

at cars. Like the good son? Yeah, we would make a fake corpse and there was a hill right on 86 in Elizabeth. You crest the hill past Casey Jones right before Road 21 if you're an E-head. It's like I'm there.

Yeah, Jordan Barry, J.R. Harris they would put bodies in the street. I only engaged in the body planting once. So that you came over the hill immediately, saw them. Crash your car in the street. I only engaged in the body planting once. So that you came over the hill immediately. Crash your car into the woods. Going to kill someone? Run over a body, so then... Yeah, the last thought before the steering wheel goes through your brain is,

was it a person? Yeah, we used to whip fucking cans of corn at cars. Jesus. Yeah, these are... I mean, I think the statuteue of Limitations is up. One time, Stefan Williamson and I were cruising on Singing Hills Road

and I had a can of Sprite that was about to crack and this big truck was coming at us and I timed it just right and fucking lobbed that thing over the top of the car and it...

smacked that guy's... The grill or the... I don't know if I should tell this. Did the truck just keep driving or did did it jackknife, or what? It exploded. The can, not the truck. No, the truck exploded. Yeah, I'll bet.

I threw the can of Sprite, and it went inside the gas tank. No, of course it did. Come on. No, I don't think it cracked. Anyway, what are we talking about? Talking about youthful exuberance. Yeah, just being a kid. When we're all little sociopaths.

I just read about four kids in high school that got in a bunch of trouble because they were chucking big chunks, like rocks, or chunks of cinder block off of an overpass, and one of the big rocks went right through the windshield of a truck and smashed into the guy uh riding shotgun and he died reality testing and it's like i don't know like when we were younger at least there wasn't like so as much knowledge of what is out there you know like if you're if you're in a small town and you don't have the internet, you have your older brother maybe say something

that he heard. You have faces of death. You have faces of death, but... But at that age, the face of death still wears a mask. He didn't know if any of that was real or fake, and it turned out most of that shit was fake. It was all fake. Faces of death was all fake. So, yeah.

So, yeah. So, it's not... I don't think it's as bad if you did shitty things long ago. 30 years ago. But now, it's like, man, come on. You have access to so much information. Shouldn't some of these kids realize exactly what they're doing and how wrong it is? But isn't it better if a child doesn't know the ramifications of his actions? I don't think they have an

excuse anymore. I don't want a kid who's eight years old to be online. I don't want a kid online googling Chechnyan beheading videos. I don't want them to know that. I'd much rather they don't know that and fuck up and throw a can of cream corn at a school bus and the school bus

crash and explode. You don't want them to grow up too fast. I want them innocent. But they're on the internet. You give them a tablet. Nothing gets me more fired up, dude. I get so pissed seeing a child in the airport. Dad doesn't want to pay attention. So the kid has the iPhone.

The kid's watching some collection of circles and triangles spinning. I don't like that. I want the kid to be a kid, and I want the child to have a father. Maybe I should be that child's father. Start adopting hundreds of children, raising them, right? Yeah. Now, I know that it's very hard to pay attention to a kid, to get hard enough to get into a vagina and then come in that bay

power wash the walls and uh and have a kid i know it's very hard but yeah uh you that's what you're signing up for is to raise that fucking kid don't just let them watch youtube because that is weird like there's all these weird videos on youtube that are for kids, but they're made by an algorithm. So either they don't make a lot of sense or they can be weirdly violent. And hyper-sexualized. Yeah. What was it called? Elsa Gate from Frozen?

I think so, yeah. Did you ever get into that? No. That was a very creepy conspiracy theory. What I saw was a lot of stuff about Peppa the Pig. Yeah. And maybe, I think Elsa's a part of those. Where it's just like these random characters that kids like

put into dumb situations, but they can be very creepy and violent. Yeah. And it's like They shut my YouTube down. Hour 6 or whatever. I was demonetized. You were making bank. Yeah. Yeah, they get very weird and it's like well yeah, I guess that's what happens

when there's a big market for kids' videos on YouTube. It's going to be corrupted. So, anyway, I know it's hard to raise a kid, but, yeah, don't just give them a... Because, yeah, they're going to end up looking up... They're going to Google death, or they're going to Google sex, and they're going to see some shit. Well, if you make it taboo, then they're going to find the worst shit in the world. So maybe the answer is just to sit your kid down and make him watch some porn with you.

Make him watch that Saddam hanging video. You know? Expose them to the truth so they don't go looking for the real dark shit. Show them Rotten.com and Tupac's autopsy. That's what I grew up on. Something awful? Something awful. I was on there. Are we at an hour? Yeah.

Okay, we're at an hour, which means it's time to do plugs. Oh, yeah. We have to apparently do a better job with our first sponsor, which is Vail Comedy Show. God, hey, man. I know that whenever I'm driving through the mountains looking at the majesty that is Colorado in all of its glory, I always want to say, hey, man, where can I go to sit and be quiet indoors? And if you're looking for that answer, the Vale Comedy Show is for you.

Well, yeah, it was if you were looking for something to do in Vale. Yeah, there's nothing to do in Vale. Vale Brewing Company, and I did the show. It was great. I've done the show. For now, they're trying to do the online thing. So the next online show is tomorrow. God damn.

Dude, you know what we should all do? Let's have a viewing party. Sure, yeah. Let's get on Twitch. It's a free show. Yeah. We'll get on Twitch. We'll start reading the 14 words.

No, Lund. I don't like that kind of humor. Oh, okay. All right. You're always trying to be naughty on this podcast. All right. I forgot. We're trying to be better. Now, this is run by? You're always trying to be naughty on this podcast. All right? I forgot. We're trying to be better.

Now, this is run by Mark Masters. That's not his real last name. His name is Mark Master Bader. His name is Mark Masters Race. Yeah, okay. All right, see? That's better. You need to do better

with your ironic racism. Let's punch it up. Yeah, man. So, yeah, guys, make sure you watch the Pierce the Veil comedy show. Yeah, get to the other side of truth. Go to bed tonight, dream of the sword,

wake up tomorrow. Wield that sword in a supermarket. And where can you watch this show? Veilcomedyshow.com. Wow, he has the website. Oh yeah, he got the domain. Wow. He's a master's of his domain. Hey!

He's sending out a great lineup of virtual comedy. Who's on the show? Oh, man. It's a real who's that of comedy. It's a real, that guy's alive? No. Some of our favorites for sure. Jordan Dahl.

Whoa. The Dahl man. A chance to see Jordan Dahl in Vail? That never happens. Well, it's not in Vail. You're not understanding that it's an online show. You're really getting caught up on the particulars. You're like, hey, how's it free if you have to drive to Vail?

Yeah, I don't get it. Gas ain't cheap. No, and also, it's tough to find a hotel. But you're saying I can sit in the comfort of my own hovel? That's right. I can be under the bridge where I live with the other pain huffers and just watch a comedy show? You can take the tablet from your young child's hands so that they can have a break from reading the Koran or the anarchist cookbook or whatever naughty tome they've decided to download while you weren't looking, while you were busy with your fucking branded Instagram channel,

where you're trying to tell everybody about Arbonne and all those great, wonderful products. Oh, my skin has never been more rejuvenated. Why not spend a couple hundred bucks on some facial products? Ever since my husband died, I've never felt prettier. I've been lost. And now I'm found with this new natural foundation from Arbonne. Yes. Look at this shovel I used.

I studied at the Sorbonne, and now I hawk products from our bones. Ha ha. Anyway, yes. So Jordan Dahl is online. This guy is never online. Jordan Dahl is going to be one of many great comics on this show. David Rodriguez.

What? D-Rod himself? That's right. D-Rodrigo. The Dark Prince of Fort Collins comedy? The mayor of the comedy fort. The formerly funniest... Don't call it the comedy fart.

That's not cool. Oh, I bought that URL. Nice. Yeah. So you got D-Rod. You got D-Rod. Whoa. You got Jordan Dahl.

Holy shit, who booked this show? Mike Raftery? J-Do. You got Adam Caden Holland. What? Ay? J-Doe. You got Adam Caden-Holland. What? ACH? Ad-Rock himself. The Jew! That's why I said Ad-Rock.

Yeah! Beastie Boys. Damn, this is an insane lineup, man. I wonder how much Mark is not paying these guys. That's three of several. Mark Master Race is booked a whites-only lineup, and you can see it. I guess D-Rod. That's how he got JFL.

That last name came in handy david uh who else you got uh i heard bobby slayton's on it the shit bowl himself yeah man they got rich voss bobby slayton the gravel throats of comedy i say it i haven't cleared my throat in 30 years. Also, shout out to Chris Pierce who sent me a hilarious meme. Did he send you that? No. It was, uh, it. It was the cover of it. Yeah. But it was my face with the clown hair

and it said saying it. Very good. Listen to fucking death metal dicks. Those guys make me scared. I love those guys. Yeah, well, I sent you a video of Chris and Buddy... Pushing plates, man. ...fucking working out, which we are not doing. No.

And it means that we cannot call ourselves the toughest pod in America. No, dude, we're their fucking lieutenants, all right? God, we would have to... When the race war breaks out, I'm going to Arkansas. Answer the call. Yeah. No, but look enough race wars

that's what Mark Masters wanted us to talk about was the impending race war he definitely did want us to get a message out there to the yeah to the other

whites yeah because he he says those are the quote the best ones I don't know I just read the copy well

I don't think there's a lot of you know championing of multicultural not in veil populations in veil the coffee. Well, I don't think there's a lot of, you know, championing of multicultural populations in Vail. If your center of operations is Vail, you have a target demographic. Yeah, and it's people who want to pay too much for cocaine.

Skiers and snowboarders. But look, watch the Vail comedy show at thevailcomedyshow.com. Mark's a good guy. He literally wrote the book on Denver comedy. That's right. He started to do stand-up, and he said, you know, I should cash in on this process and write a book about my experience instead of just experiencing the experience.

I read the book. Not as bad as you'd assume. It's for sale right here at Mutiny Comedy, or Mutiny Book House. I've crashed. Look, I fucking rode that wave of book. House. I've crashed. Look, I fucking rode that wave of insanity. The eight hours is gone. It's like a five hour energy. It's really two and a half hours of energy.

Dude, rules. I feel clear. I've gone clear. Your B is clear. What's that mean? Is that bad? It's a Scientology thing. Now we're spreading a few dangerous messages.

Yeah, man. Scientology's cool with this uh oh your brain's a little too clear yeah but hey man fucking listen

watch the Vail Comedy Show it's a free deal you sign up at VailComedyShow.com that's how you get you'll be sent

the link to the show I think it's via Zoom yeah Dave Caldwell is going to be an official live laugher. Well, look, we've been goofing around, but if Dirty Dave Caldwell,

the King of Sting himself, is in the room laughing, that makes it all worthwhile. Dave Caldwell saved more shows than a fire extinguisher. He's also ruined some album recordings. Hell yeah! But it balances out. We're all good, we're all evil, we're all everything. Dave's insane. Yeah, Dave's the man.

We need to protect Dave at all costs. Yeah. He's the white Christopher Dorner. They have the same shaped head. Same politics. So, yeah. Fucking watch the Vale Comedy Show. Thank you, Mark, for the $8.

Yeah, I'm glad that we could get some constructive feedback on our minute-long spot that you commissioned. And why not have it be more organic? Hopefully this felt organic enough where we could decide to spend ten minutes talking about a sponsored comedy show that we're not on. No, we're not even booked on this fucking show. Yeah, but we've got to get the word out to help Adam, Kate, and Holland, you know, make some more moves. Yeah, he needs to buy another house. In Denver. I'm pure evil, baby!

There's not a bridge I won't burn! I'm kidding. The twins are hungry. I fucking love Adam. I love Jordan. I love David. But most of all, I love the Vale comedy show. Alright?

It's at www type in world wide web dot commerce first you need to do http http

colon backslash backslash colon dub dub dub rub a dub dub clean your body off watch this thing nude

alright that's a lot yeah you can totally watch Zoom shows naked. You can fucking pound your pud. Who cares? Turn the camera on, turn it off. But Mark Masters presents the Veil Comedy Show.

Is this a veiled threat? I don't know. Here come the judge. Watch your front, Mark Masters. Oh, yeah. But we have to talk about what we're going to launch, right? We do. Yeah. judge. Watch your front, Mark Masters. Oh yeah, but we have to talk about what we're going to launch, right? We do. Yeah.

Should we put... We've just done all this great Vale comedy show stuff, and make sure you watch it. But we're launching a Patreon, guys. All you Chubby Chasers, we're going to fucking do this thing. The Chubby Chaser army has shown that it is growing.

Yeah. And that we're doing something that people can get behind. People are tired of learning. Yeah, well, yeah. They want to get dumb for an hour. There is a lot of good that people can do. You have to stay informed, whatever. This is not that.

This is something else that you get to do as a little treat after you donate to stay informed whatever this is not that this is something else that yeah that you get to do as a little treat yeah after you donate to good causes after you support uh businesses after you expose yourself to a nurse on the bus after you accidentally run somebody over with your car you got to atone yeah and then when you get you know when you have a little time to turn your soul to autopilot, you can listen to us. We'll try to make you laugh. All we're doing is making you laugh. Or we're making you fear yourself. We've made you too powerful. We're launching a Patreon, guys.

We don't have the URL yet. Fuck. It'll probably be at ChubbyBeam. It'll probably be patreon.com. Well, it be at ChubbyBeameth. Probably Patreon.com. Well, it'll be www.http. It'll be posted, I'm sure, on social media. We'll post this in the link.

Follow us on Instagram. But hey, if you don't have to have any of this in the episode, we can just... Right. But hey, if you pay five... Cut out whatever. I'm just going to say this. If you pay five bucks, you're getting an extra episode every week. And also, you're going to get

little chublets. I'll do some stuff with my wife. I'll leave the camera on. And you can see how the sword fits in the stone. Watch me sire my child. Live on Patreon.com slash Chubby Behemoth. That's content. Yeah, Lun's going to talk to Creech. But yeah, we're going to

have just different stuff on there. I'll come at you from various trees around Denver and soon Trinidad. Yeah, somehow I'm very hot but also very cold. So I should probably go get in an ice bath and watch the steam rise. But guys, patreon.com, get on there. Let's all get rich so we can buy more bullets. Fear the sword!