Chubby Behemoth - Thermos

Episode Date: July 2, 2023

Extra episodes at Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   Either Way, Shut Up. I'm Your Mom Now. Twinfants Are Sleeping.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Coffee at [e-mail]

And we are doing a podcast. The three best friends that anyone ever had doing a podcast. Thank you guys so much for dealing with my funky monkey ass yesterday. God, I wanted to put my fist through the computer, but I wanted the computer to be in my lap, so I was punching myself also in my own balls. The conversation yesterday, which involved you vaguely saying that it's been a lot dealing with a bunch of friends and family coming in. And then for the first image to be you in that shirt, I can't even tell what's on it. But the sky blue and the bunch of multicolored somethings really sealed the deal for me just like you're wearing this fun summer shirt and in your head you're like if i had 18 bullets i'd kill these 18 people if i had two bullets both for me both into my left and right ball yeah i would let them live and just be like you know what maybe it's my problem maybe i'm the issue goodbye i'll be in susu's crib i'll be in the pack and play uh don't move me i'm sleeping baby i'm sleeping honey forever yeah dude it's been a lot i mean emily rules anna rules susu rules um and you know i love my

mother-in-law. I love Jim. But they're on a hike. If they come home early, guess what? It's suddenly going to be opposite day. Follow the lead on that one, boys. Okay? Let's practice. Oh, hey, it's opposite day.

Yeah. My sister did a great job at the party and didn't make me deeply embarrassed that she was my sister for four hours. That didn't happen. It's opposite day. You had a good time. You didn't have to deal with a bunch of babies.

Everyone who came to the party should have been there for sure. Everyone who showed up definitely invited, so that was cool that was great great party no one uh no one suffered a terrible calamity at 1 a.m that spiraled everyone on mushrooms into a deep abyss that didn't happen whoa yeah dude i don't want to out anyone but uh a very good comedian and friend of ours their cousin

died in a drunk driving crash at like 1 30 east coast time or no mountain time and then we were all just like oh oh no death is everywhere even if you are having a funky good time even if you are vibing to the max it doesn't matter you can still be struck down yeah so that was gnarly damn thankfully that didn't happen oh yeah i forgot yeah uh no it doesn't have to be opposite day right now because i'm alone did any uh did any fruit end up on the roof or were you able to keep that promise i ended up on the roof with a rifle because i had to animal control said if i didn't shoot sophie down someone else was going to so she went full glow she she she was the original gui guo and she reclaimed the throne it sounds

like i mean god bless her she just wants to party and she wants everyone to party as hard as she does uh which is impossible because if everyone partied that hard we would create a hole in the universe that would suck the earth through it she just creates so much like you know momentum and then when no one's like following her down that uh path she's cutting the mountainside she's like well everyone's you know she might say a slur here and there everyone's being a jerk you know translate that you guys are all being jerks i hope you're enjoying celebrating pride month you jerks it's good that all you jerks got your own month you jerk wads

yeah it was just a lot and then yesterday like i got i don't know i so should i just start from the beginning yeah okay off king well i just want to say real real quick though yeah i want to say because i keep thinking about it last episode i did a quick impression of some black folks in the crowd at hyenas and said this motherfucker's spitting and your face either lit up or you were judging me and either way shut up because you code switch that's you every episode is doing but you do like an old-timey fucking civil war impression of every this you would do the same impression of an 18 year old black guy and a 92 year old black grandfather and so yeah i hope that i hope that your face lit up in realization oh god this is what i sound like but way more often no my face lit up because i was like he's

doing it the student has become the teacher he's learning yeah yeah dude what happened i was stoked that you were getting involved in the movement uh having a little fun on mic no i definitely wasn't judging if anything it was like i'm surprised i didn't wipe away a single tear i remember that because when you did it i did go yeah you locked eyes through the screen and i was like bingo yeah uh-huh i mean that's the thing i'm just it wasn't that you were doing any specific voice. It's just that you are so good at voices. I was just glad that you were letting your song sing to the world because you're the king of voices. Shut up. All right. Get going with the last couple of days. the last couple days well as uh our dear valued beautiful listeners these uh you know just the tens of thousands of individual waves that we float upon because they carry us you know with we're washington crossing the delaware they're the canoe all right and you know who

the haters are they're the redcoats and we're bringing all the hell upon them and guess what i have wooden teeth okay lund is uh is wasn't like john adams a quarter black or something who's the guy oh hamilton's black allegedly now yeah didn't they give that to him becker knows yes so they just had a black guy in like 1775 in there doing the worm that doesn't make any sense based on what i know about our fucking founding fathers i think he was half or quarter black he did a solid white voice and they were like hey he's one of us he put on like me and hy like he just looked like he had a solid tan he acted like he couldn't dance he could he couldn't do the worm he was like oh i can't figure out this damned worm maneuver they figured it out because he was the only one

with his wig underneath a wave cap his wig was permed and they were like there's something about that hamilton cat that doesn't jive with my flow okay so you were supposed to recap the last two days and you went back to 1765 well that's where it starts yeah okay when so honestly it does because like my mom's family came over and they were like rich and allegedly, and this is, I don't want anyone to yell at me or be mad at me. Cause this is just a historical fact. Allegedly my mom's family, the tailors of, at that point, Virginia had the manifest from the ship and they purchased the real life figure who Kunta Kinte was based off of.

And they purchased the real-life figure who Kunta Kinte was based off of. All right? That's a thing my family has talked about for generations now. I'm not proud of it. No, I'm not proud of it. Everybody was bragging at the party. Oh, yeah? Well, we have Amistad in our backyard.

So anyway, but then also, if you want to go that far back, which I know guys do my bye becker we love you thank you leaving back to the drive-thru with you becker i know yeah those square burgers aren't gonna make themselves yeah you're gonna make don't forget to steam those burgers becker they're not supposed to cook on the grill becker's gone now we can finally get to the bottom of this did he have a band-aid on his forehead i don't think so okay i don't really look at him i look at you that's sweet of you i can't look at you or else all the blood will rush from my brain to my cock i'm so wildly pingo for your sweet round head. No, but then my dad's family, not his mom, but his father, they were all Scots-Irish slaves. They were indentured servants. So we've been here since day one.

And then, of course, my dad's mom, America, you know, landed on her. Her people have been in the caves of Mexico mule skinning for years and years. So anyway, yes, it does go all the way back london i can't wait for you to connect these dots you psycho do you know your family's lineage uh kim did a uh one of the you know 23 and me or something and because forever we thought it was just four like the four grandparents were each one thing mostly irish norwegian on my dad's side ukrainian armenian on my mom's side but it's there's a lot more than that going on we're pretty we're we have a lot of ashkenazi jew in the bloodstream so uh yeah i don't know where we're from, except for Haigui was from Ukraine. Fuck.

Hungary, right? No, Ukraine or Armenia. She fled a genocide. They both had solid genocides. I think she was Armenian, and she was the one that got brought over here by a Christian missionary and lived her adult life here in the state over here by a missionary and swiftly put in the missionary position to pump out your family doggy only the armenian dogs weren't allowed to go face to face with their christian saviors and here you are hating god but yet they saved your beautiful grandmother

the holes in this thing i agree um i agree my sister tried to do 23 and me and they said it didn't work because she had to do 24 and me she's got that extra one she doesn't tell anyone about extra extra we all about it um oh yeah so so the last two days let's get caught up let's skip okay the last 250 years of human history yeah there was a lot of bad stuff in there all right i mean let's think about it why why did you start with your family's lineage well there was a lot of bad stuff in there all right i mean let's think about it why why did you start with your family's lineage well there was westward expansion there was manifest destiny those were bad but yet also davy crockett and daniel boone pretty cool down there at the alamo getting their shit packed in all right that was a fun time what else happened in those crazy 250 years rock and roll took the

airwaves uh a certain farmer's son down there in memphis tennessee danced a brand new way and he brought all the pussy juices onto the floor at the hotel of the show uh world war one and then the sequel which was a blockbuster smash world war one good world war two bad it was bad i mean world war one dude no one ever talks about all the people who had to fight in mud have we ever talked about the mud fighting i still haven't watched all quite on the western front even though you say it's your favorite war movie i mean it was an easy lock for uh best picture i have no idea how it didn't win it was transcendent yeah it rocked me yeah dude i mean what works yes what won last year uh everything everywhere all at once

overrated movie in the history of film um anyway so yeah a bunch of crazy crap happened uh somewhere along the way someone realized that you could mix water and borax and make slime uh that was a big deal so anyway thursday my fast forward thursday my beautiful wife my life partner my uh my strongest ally and my most feared potential enemy i think that's what a good marriage is built on you have to really be afraid of what your partner can do to you like the capabilities and i've known since day one that emily could definitely get away with killing me uh she's she's smart enough she's pretty enough she's conniving enough to make it look like i was

attacking her you know or she could have a kill room somewhere in your house that you don't even know about that's just ready to go the the plastic is up there's no like you know she doesn't have any dna in there yet it is uh easily scrubbed post uh murder you know Yeah, she's got a plan. And I'm just like so out of it and aloof most of the time that she for sure could just like she could turn my office into a kill room while I was like on the couch watching Grown Ups 2, by the way.

Holds up. Alright. They're having fun and it comes across. Dude, it's such a good move. I mean, I don't know. Maybe Sandler is just like Pablum for me and it makes me. Dude, it's such a good move. I mean, I don't know. Maybe Sandler is just like Pablum for me and it makes me feel good. But I watched Grunovs 2 recently and it was really good. Earlier this week,

Patrick didn't like it, but he's dumb as hell. Patrick doesn't like something else that's good. Oh, Monster Squad. No, no. Drop Dead Fred. That sucks. We should probably do like a rewatch of drop dead fred because i haven't watched it in a while he won't do it i don't want him to do i'm saying you

and me let's see if it holds up because i've been really i've been really fucking flying the fred flag for a while with that he's like it sucks it's for babies and i'm like you're fucking scolding fully form when you were born and they had to take your floating rib out and put it in the top of your head. Is he coming to San Diego? No, that's just the boys. Good. By the way, what a good time for plugs. If you live anywhere near Los Angeles, if you live anywhere on the bottom half of California, why don't you come out July 6 6 to the brea improv where hey if it's 550 people

we've got 12 of the room sold so it'll be a good show no matter what they'll probably curtain it off like when you don't fill out a theater but come out july 6 to that and then the 7th and 8th you can see my dirty ass in san diego at mic drop comedy featuring Lund on the ones and twos and Chris Sharp and Tear hosting, which we'll see how that goes. And then come see me in Detroit, the 14th and 15th, Detroit, Michigan at the Detroit House of Comedy. That's the end of the plugs. Also, we don't have an ad this week, so shut up.

All right. You don't get a bitch about us reading ads so we can put fucking food in Becker's bowl. You know how much it costs me to pay to feed London Becker on a daily basis in the red. I am floating upside down in a pool of debt because these guys are hungry. All right. Am I wrong? Are you hungry?

No, I added a couple of donuts with my coffee. Okay. So you had food already, I had a couple donuts with my coffee. Okay, so you had food already, which is good. I'm sure you'll get an invoice for those donuts here in a minute. I'm full. So Thursday, the fam comes in. I love the fam. What's up?

Why? Because Emily is done with residency. Emily is officially done with her residency. She is a board-certified family medicine doctor. Emily is done with residency. Emily is officially done with her residency. She is a board-certified family medicine doctor. I guess she was already board-certified, but they throw a little party anyway for her. So shout out to MT, who I fear the wrath of and love the rack of. Huh?

Uh-huh. That was in the speech I made. No one liked it. the board was not pleased yeah i had to change the name to b-o-r-e-d so uh the the the the tune squad comes up um i think that emily's family got in wednesday yeah, and then Hannah and Susu arrived Thursday morning and my dad picked them up. So Wednesday night, we have a nice night. Everyone's chill. No one's ill. Thursday

comes around. Hannah and Susu show up. Susu's obsessed with me. She can't get enough of me. I love her so much that it makes me nervous that I've never loved anything as much as her before this. It's very weird. It rocks me.

Dude, last night. I know. I know I'm jumping around, but this was nuts. Well, as long as you stay in the last couple of days, I think that's good. Okay, that's fair. I can do that for you. Don't go back to 1640 just yet well that was when uh you know the protestant reformation happened so i will say this uh i re-watched dynamite kids dark side of

the ring and his wife said that he didn't hold his first daughter until she could walk because he was terrified of like dropping her yeah and now that you know you get caught up in the action or whatever the first couple times you watch something like that but this time i was like wait what he didn't hold his dog like did he not touch his daughter until she was one and a half like that's not good she She's not going to remember that, but it seems like it would come out somehow with some type of nervous anxiety, something. You freak out. Your dad doesn't touch you for two years. Anyway.

Well, that's the new thing. And like parenting is you're supposed to go full skin contact with the baby immediately. I know. That's why there's all those pictures of like the baby laying on the mom's chest. Her Hooters exposed to the baby immediately. I know. That's why there's all those pictures of the baby laying on the mom's chest, her hooters exposed to the baby, and the dad takes his shirt off. Dad's wang is out. His balls are out.

Yeah. If he's hard, he's not allowed to be the dad. He's not allowed to sign the birth certificate. push push one more push here she is here's little baby beautiful jessica here you go mommy oh oh oh daddy you want a hold there? Yeah, hold on. What? What are you doing? Just hold on. Sir, sir, you're completely nude. Yeah, I know. I read all the baby books.

All right. I'm going to be the world's best dad. It starts right now. Hour zero. Give me that baby. I read Dynamite Kids books. So wake me up when she's walking around. Yeah, wake me up when she knows walking around yeah she knows my name she can say it aloud it's crazy uh so well now whenever like you know emily's friends have all

had a bunch of babies this year so now when the first time i hold them i do take my shirt off and that's crazy everyone says it's crazy and i'm like yeah crazy enough to work get over here but the issue is they latch because i got them heavier than a lot of their moms do and don't forget that you alpha them yeah i'm like look at these guys huh i'm your mom now yeah oh yeah there's a little honey mustard on each one i don't know why they're latching Oh, yeah. There's a little honey mustard on each one. I don't know why they're latching. Yeah, this is crazy. Sandwich that in your pocket.

Why do you have a bunch of Chick-fil-A Polynesian sauce? Shut up. Shut up and watch how a man holds your baby. Why don't you take care of that boner real quick dad so that you can see your kid grow up yeah the dad's hard because he's watching his baby latch on me he's like what is going on oh no oh no this is fucked yeah this wasn't in the books yeah they have to redo the spock book the dr spock book and add a cmt amendment look oh but yeah last night we're me and emmy we're up here in steamboat doing a victory lab for emmy with her family and susu's crib her pack and play is in our room because um it's like the bedroom and she goes to bed early so then we sneak in later on and go to bed well last night we were

all exhausted so we went to bed super early so we put her to bed we wait about 15 minutes and then we come in and we come in and we lay down and she's still awake but she doesn't know we're in there so she's just living this little private susu world she's over there talking to herself and singing little songs and murmuring dude it was the most precious precious thing i've ever heard in my life just her just thinking she's alone just doing her thing i mean it was like it was like angel song it was like it must be like the way like people feel when like they hear monks chant i was just so moved dude it was nuts crying again hard didn't cry i was all cried out after this weekend but holy shit just when you think you're like numb and

jaded then you hear your fucking niece she's not even my kid you know yeah i don't have to take any heat for her if she fucking blows it in a big way i'm not showing up to court i'll be right there next to her in the passenger seat i'm excited to see little eli tomorrow oh you get eli access tomorrow yeah i'm flying out tomorrow shit dude that rules yeah so you're gonna be in LA all week. Yeah. Oh, fuck. Cool. You can pick me up at the airport on the 5th.

No, I'm busy. Oh, okay. Well, you know what? If you're busy with your nephew, I say powder river letter buck, baby. I'm going to come over. I'm going to meet Eli. I'm going to have no Chick-fil-A Polynesian sauce in my pocket. Don't worry.

Yeah. Also, he's four. So I don't know. You know what that means? He's a jerk. He's a little jerk. Hey, Eli, your month is over, buddy. All right.

He's a jerk. Oh, shit. is over buddy all right oh shit so yeah we have the um they throw a big ceremony for Emily and all of the other graduates at the Rio Grande restaurant in Fort Collins and David Borey comes up my sister Mel my dad you know there's a lot of heavy hitters at that table. And the bar is open. All right? So they didn't know what kind of fucking chainsaw with legs was walking into that goddamn little ceremony. But I step up there. It's margaritas right away.

You know, I'm the only person double fisting. Well, not the only person. Everyone at my table is double fisting. So we're getting into it. By the time Emily goes up, I'm a lot more tanked than I hope to be on a Thursday night while the sun's still up. All right? I'll say that right now. You didn't drink in Texas.

No. I popped the seal that night. Blood work Tuesday. You didn't drink Wednesday night? No, I popped the seal that night. Blood work Tuesday. You didn't drink Wednesday night? No, my blood work is awesome. Yeah. Yeah, we totally, we did it. Mission accomplished.

We proved who the real jerk is. That insurance company. Yeah, you got one over on them for sure. Yeah. So by the time, like like so they all make speeches and emily has to go up to make a speech she has to do two speeches one as like she gives an award to like the best resident or i mean the best attending so she gets up there at 6 30 i'm fucking crying of course i'm a mess just sitting at the table doing the thing like i did at my

wedding where i'm trying not to cry which is just this face failing yeah trying to be strong i'm a big boy boys don't cry robert smith said that noise yeah i don't need gender reaffirming care so i'm just like grunting and sophie's like please just cry you sound so stupid you sound like a real jerk yeah just let it out stop grunting so uh but then emmy has to go last for her like main speech you know because they all make speeches so she gets up there and she doesn't tell me what her speech is going to be i was like i don't want Emmy has to go last for her main speech, you know, because they all make speeches. She gets up there, and she doesn't tell me what her speech is going to be. I was like, I don't want to know your speech. I just want to see it.

So she gets up there, and I have to move to the back of the room because I'm too prominently seated. I know I'm going to be a mess. And she gets up there, dude. Can you hear me? I moved around. Yeah. Oh, fuck. Hold on, dude. You can't hear me.

Because you moved slightly. Everything fell apart. Can you hear me now? Yeah. Yeah, we're good. My foot was asleep. Oh, yeah, that'll happen. Now it's happening again.

What the fuck? Oh, yeah, that'll happen. Now it's happening again. What the fuck? You moved. Hello? Yeah. Can you hear me? Going on. Can you hear me now? You punk bitch.

Hold on, dude. You stupid jerk. Hold on to freak of nature. No, I'm not going to hold on. I'm going to hold on. I got something I can hold on. Oh of nature no i'm not gonna hold on i'm gonna hold on i got something i can hold on oh he's crying if he's not crying you guys are just listening he's crying he's been just a well of emotion so effed dude why you can if you can hear me and I can hear you, then we're good. Right.

I can hear. Oh my God. Hello. Yo. Hello. Hey. Hey. What's wrong?

Why are you crying? Why are you crying super hard oh my god this is so effed okay talk yes can you hear me do i sound weird we'll make a note of that it was right around 28 minutes in anyway emmy gets up there to make make her speech. She doesn't tell me what she's going to do. She opens by saying, I would like to quote one of the most famous entertainers alive, Calvin Brodus, the great Snoop Dogg, King Krip himself. I would like to thank me for all those hard nights working. I'd like to thank me for all those hard nights working. And I'd like to thank me for studying and past the point of sanity.

And she does this like huge speech where she just keeps thanking herself and she's killing. She's killing, dude. What was the Snoop? What was the Snoop Dogg quote? Snoop Dogg did the same thing where he like won a Grammy or something. And he was like, I'd like to thank me because everyone else thanks all their friends and family, you know? Yeah. And Snoop was like, I did all of this right yeah he doesn't thank the

producers you know so like everyone else is up there being a total like you know open heart dwangas being like and i want to thank my uncle jim for that time he took me fishing you know that time he didn't touch me yeah that time where he gave me a hundred bucks and said don't tell anyone how you earned this um but yeah emmy emmy crushed and then we went across the street to the trailhead and the drinks really started flowing uh people's shirts got torn off their bodies um i drank a whole pitcher of beer in like 30 seconds. That was a bad call. What the hell? The video just shows you sipping on it.

Why isn't there a second one? Oh. That was the second pitcher. Oh, okay. I didn't show that one. Should have gotten video. So Sophie was, so I have like some lost time. I think I was abducted.

You know, I've got like Fred and Rosemary West or whoever that interracial couple that got abducted in maine let's just say the aliens got me for a while all right um so sophie was like yeah you like had the picture and then you walked to the front of the room and then you came back and the picture was gone so you just like yourself in 30 seconds which is truly insane it's like yeah that is nuts but uh bory and mel said at one point i grabbed someone by the head like the top of their head and just moved them to the side out of my way that's my move it is it is your move yes i'm not moving ever again look i'm frozen don't move i won't move yeah i did the head push i did the lund face mush and it was the talk of the night apparently i don't remember that again because i think i got hit with the men in black a little bit I got hit with the memory eraser

yeah I had mushed someone um I guess I threatened someone and then Emily called an uber so yeah everyone else was blowing it uh okay well after I burped it said zoom of zoom thing popped up and said, playing music? Set up professional audio in audio settings? I've never seen that before. That was a melodic belch.

So yeah, I guess now that I'm thinking about it, on Thursday, I blew it very bad. You showed your ass. Thursday was my fruit-throwing night, but I was in a bar with all of her co-workers and residency class and advisors. Interesting. And all the

dead babies that they aborted. Yeah, they hung them up on the wall. They made a garland of them. That was pretty weird. Well, so the next morning, I woke up at 9 a.mm because i had to go throw a party for my wife and man if there was a fire alarm on that day i would have pulled it i would have set everyone out no no all day it was just bullshit no so friday was great but i was so hung over i guess i drank i drank beer out of someone's bowler cap that was another thing i allegedly did i was wearing like a fedora or bowler and i guess i took it off and poured beer in it and drank out of it

was he did he give his permission or did you just do it this was all like told to me second hand yeah so you don't know how he felt about it i imagine he wasn't stoked because then he had to put a wet hat back on his head right but if he maybe that's his move maybe he was feeling it and so it was like you know it added to the fun of the party you know what what I mean? Like some people will do. They'll be a part of something for the greater good. Maybe or maybe I just forced it upon him. Right. I'm curious and we'll probably never know. And that's unfortunate.

Unless he starts listening. Oh, boy. Is that the donut in the coffee burps i mean i burp pretty much regardless of what's going on but yeah oh i keep slamming waters on the pod because i like i like uh being hydrated i don't want to get dried out and sound like a crusty old mummy of a bitch i'm worried to move at all to get my daughter or do anything don't move don't even blink don't breathe just be funny and i'm trying so we're on friday so you had to start like what i wasn't there to sweep the yard but you had so you had to sweep the backyard you had to uh well't sweep the yard because he couldn't do

anything else. You told him there was a quarter out there. Yeah. He had to find it with a broom, and sure enough... There's some disco biscuits tickets somewhere in this yard. Oh, dude! I'll do it! Keith had a bunch of highlights this evening uh yeah so anyway i had to go get

a keg i had to get a cake i had to get all the food shout out to music city hot chicken and fort collins for giving us like 60 off listen to this so i get all this hot chicken all these chicken tenders every available flavor and i bring them in enough to feed 100 people we're talking like 144 chicken tenders all right well that sounds like a pretty cool move right yeah right that's a nice thing for a guy to do yeah when it's time to when it's time to eat the tenders katarina and emily are up my ass my sister too there's no sauces they didn't put any sauces in there oh my god how are you supposed to get all these tenders without a gallon of ranch dressing so i i was like i don't care i could not give less of a shit if you guys have sauce choke on them go come take your fucking teeth out

put ponytails in pin your ears back and eat some tenders right now i don't care i'm like twelve hundred dollars in on this party and you guys are pissed there's no fucking ranch dressing run them under the catarina catarina calls music city hot chicken and she comes up to me she's like hey i want to talk to the manager this is fucked up and i'm like they took 200 off the fucking bill do not complain to the manager and emily's like no they know what they did they did so bad oh my god yeah so brent gill steps up because he got a he got a new bmw that he put like an escalate engine in which we all pretended was cool and that we gave a shit about it

and like why it meant something to him. It's been his whole life for the last three years or whatever. Yeah. And he finally gets to show it off to the boys. And as soon as he starts revving the engine in front of the neighbor's house, they come out and they're like, our twin infants are sleeping. He just,

our twin fence. It saves time. So he'll steps up. He's like, I'll go buy the sauce. I'll go pick up the sauce. I was like, thanks, dude, because he likes driving. So he goes. He gets pulled over immediately, which was hilarious.

80 and a 30. 80 and a 12. Looking. I think it was looking 65 when actually 36, 36 i think as we got pulled over for so he comes back dude can you venmo me and i was like for what and he's like this was like 70 dollars of sauce i was like what the absolute fuck oh my god why didn't he go why didn't he go to safeway and get two jugs of ranch because the ranch at music city hot chicken is made in-house and it's emily's favorite ranch so emmy needs her best ranch get some lighthouse bitch lighthouse in the house

get some get some fucking lighthouse ranch like all the other jerks you should pitch that as your new it's your new slogan i'm going to standpoint for the yearly sales and marketing meeting so maybe i can that can i can drop that on them dude we're taking over i forgot you're doing a corporate for Lighthouse Ranch as the ranch guy? Yeah, I'm doing an appearance as if I'm fucking anybody. Yeah. Well, they have to know you. They have to know that you're the guy. I doubled profits

the last two quarters. No, I don't know. It would be funny if they all just line up to blow me because I made them all look good. You're a hit baby i bought a new car i put an escalade engine in that bitch company lund excuse me ranch guy i know you actors are yeah method guy aren't you i'm very excited to not do stand-up for them i think i'm just gonna have to like wave and take pictures. And be like Lighthouse in the house.

I'm going to have to say that 12 times. And then I get to go back to the hotel and jack off. It's going to be crazy. We're sending Pat with you. Yeah we'll see. We need footage of that for sure. We need ranch guy comes to life. Yeah I suppose. Oh my my god that's a good

idea huge um so the keg now is 160 now here i want you to i need you to be my voice of reason on this yeah because i i told the boys and they thought i was insane you've bought every napkin you've bought every ounce of alcohol so far right all of the food oh dude it's it's costco you know it's uh it's safeway i had sophie convinced that i shit in her car that was fun she was pissed for the whole ride back oh dude uh did you shit a little bit on in the bed in fort worth when there's a mystery stain on your side of the bed it looked like a little just a little smudge just a little dollop of poop and i don't know what else it could be it you know i didn't go i didn't bend over and smell it which normally i I would do, but I didn't care enough.

I didn't have to know. But it was on the lip of the mattress, as if you got out of bed, but you weren't nude. So there's that. It looked like if you were nude and you had a little bit of shit in your ass and you like swung your legs out and then sat on the edge of the bed for a second, then got up. That's where it was. I know the operation. I know how this works. It looked like poop. I don't know what else it could have been.

Brisket juice. I don't think so. Well, I was going to say, was it the brisket sauce? But there was no sauce. It was sauce list, dude. It was sauce list, dude. Indeed. so well i was gonna say was it the brisket sauce but there was no sauce it was it was sauceless dude it was sauceless dude indeed i don't know what it was i was wearing undies even though you asked me you were like why don't you take your shirt off when you sleep next to me remember that conversation well it wasn't when you sleep

next to me it's actually it was when you had your own bed you're still sleeping in a shirt like you're afraid of the naked police showing up in the middle of the night well i do have that fear of like popping an aneurysm in my sleep and then you know the fire department coming and being like well we can't move him he's too gross somebody get a shirt on this fucking wad of dead flesh it's like before we give him cpr let's put a shirt on him please he's too slippery chest contractions rinse him off yeah he's got brisket juice all over him we hope it's brisket juice you know what you know what it could have been and it might have even been this this is my hypothesis and it's even worse than human shit it could have been blood

from my cyst uh yes because i have that cyst at the top of my butt and it was leaking and reeking i don't know sometimes i wake up in our bed with emily and i'll you know i'll be like sunday morning i'll roll over there to give her a smooch, see what's going on. And then she'll be like, hold on a minute. Is your cyst active? And I'll be like, no. And then she'll look over my side. No, it was dishonorable discharge. It's the most dishonorable discharge, dude.

It's the worst. It's so bad. It's like afterbirth from like Satanan being born so it could have been i mean i've definitely stained our sheets a lot emmy will be like god damn it sam your sister ruined our sheets again so maybe that was it yeah that makes more sense than like a perfect little paintbrush amount of shit out of your ass as you like forget to hold it in before you get on the toilet yeah but it was scary because it was like we didn't need we didn't need a bunch of hershey's kisses in here but it was lighter than that it was light light brown there was maybe a little reddish

hue so all right yeah probably yeah slightly less gross than feces. I'm sorry. I didn't know I was going to be on trial this episode. My bad. I would have had Bobby sitting next to me. Well, yeah, I cut the stain out of the sheet, and I sent it to a lab. So we'll know for sure in a couple of weeks. Okay. Well, I better fucking lawyer up i'm gonna get

drew morgan and bobby crane to come represent me and wayman and wayman yeah i also talked to wayman so you don't have a lawyer in this the cream team you were in the bed a lot longer than i was honestly you could have it was it was like i say it was on your side of the bed, on the edge of the bed. It was nowhere near where I could do any damage. Yeah, but my flight was before yours. You and Pat could have done God knows what in there and made whatever stains. No, I almost got excited, but I saw the stain before he got into the bed. So he's cleared of any wrongdoing. Damn it.

I would love to blame Pat for turning the bed. What? Just Jason Wilhite. What did he say? The Jason Wilhite experience. He's just telling me about his fucking show in Colorado Springs and how he got Eddie Pepitone, and I was like, he's just telling me about his fucking show in colorado springs and how he got eddie pepitone and i was like that's weird yeah how many tickets can you even sell like 30

and he and he said i said how many tickets can you sell you know at his venue he goes you mean the venue or the town and i was like what the fuck that's what i just read so sorry uh it's okay all right i'm glad you're talking to will height instead of focusing on the pod right now i'm networking yeah i'm trying to get in i'm trying to get in there uh but yeah so you fuck oh you you were asking about the fellows you checked in with the fellows okay Listen to this. Okay. Sorry. I go to get the keg.

All right? At Wilbur's Total Beverage. And the cashier is a trans woman. Awesome. No big deal. All for it. I'm the biggest ally to trans women in the history of trans women. I've told Joe Rogan, you know, to kiss it.

Anyway, no one can ever matter you would suck a chick stick i mean let's not i'm trying to be serious you said you said that i told dr drew that you would you would suck it from the back i told adam carolla and he punched me in the throat he threw soup in your face yeah he's like i have a thermos of soup on me at all times just in case anyone says anything that pisses me off a thermos a thermos yeah he's not the fucking villain of the avengers it's a thermos is it thermos thermos you've said your whole life and nobody has corrected you i mean i must have said the word thermos. Is it thermos? Thermos. You've said thermos your whole life, and nobody has corrected you. I mean, I must have said the word thermos five times total in my whole life.

Thermos, brand thermoses. You know what? Keep your hot hot and your cold cold. I thought this would be the one hour that I had of salvation, but no. You're fucking climbing up the ranks for first place. Out of nowhere. With a thick

field of competitors in the dickhead Olympics, I am coming on strong. The dark horse. God damn it. Thermos. I think it's Thermos or Thermos. It's probably... No, it's not. It's one and it's Thermos. It Yes. Thermos. I think it's Thermos or Thermos. It's probably. No, it's not. It's one and it's Thermos.

It could be Thermos for all we know. What do you know about job site soup containers? I helped build the Empire State Building. I'm old. Remember? You climbed the Empire State Building and they shot you down. You ape. Yeah.

I brought an actress up there. Who cares? It was Kristen Stewart. Yeah, I brought an actress up there. Who cares? It was Kristen Stewart. I was jealous. She was into it. What a great piece of ass she was. What's wrong with her now? Anyway, so the cashier, trans woman, says,

okay, what kind of beer do you want in the keg? I said, like, light beer. What kind of light beer do you have? And she said, we have Coors Light or light or but yours is red and then yellow on the internet okay fuck uh let me just get my phone off of it yeah you don't want to miss any fucking will height updates also becker has weighed in and says it's thermos. It's for sure. Thermos. It's Sam's connection. Not you,

Nathan. All right. That's not true. I'm looking at my mind. It's rocking and rolling. Can you see what I don't need either of you to do this to me right now? All right. I'm going to cut your heads off in Japan. No one's coming home from Japan.

You're going to get eaten by koi fish. Well, we're going to cut your heads off in Japan. No one's coming home from Japan. You're going to get eaten by koi fish. So you're saying we're going to have a very tense weekend in San Diego where there's just a threat of death looming over us? Yes. Okay, so I think you're better now. I was always good. connection i mean not you quit your fucking fake job all right quit fleecing retirees and widows and come do this job instead mr tattletail listen in he's chatting with wilhite on my behalf. So, okay. Bud Lighter Coors Light for the keg.

Bud Lighter Coors Light, she asks. And there's a moment that passes and I say, Bud Light, of course. You got peer pressured? I wanted to look like an ally in that moment. I wanted to, it was like in American history X where he takes his shirt off and shows everyone he has a swastika in the prison yard. It was like that,

but the complete opposite. Well, I wanted to show her, I did not have a swastika and he ate my heart. So I said, you took your shirt off and you go, this is my mom on my chest, not a swastika.

I said, this is my mom. Now who's got a baby I can feed. I mean, I just, hold. I just mean hold. Was that insane? I wanted Cooler's Light. Also, the Bud Light was like $7 more expensive.

$7? Well, yeah, I was going to say, neither of them are going to be as cheap as Rolling Rock or fucking... They don't have that. They don't have that at Wilbur's Total Beverage. They have Fat Tire. They have Old Aggie. They have a bunch of't have that at wilbur's total beverage they have fat tire they have old aggie they have a bunch of you know odell's beers fancy kegs yeah gross but was i dumb to i mean i told david borden he's like is that what it's like to be a white guy you just go around doing stuff you don't want to do because you're worried everyone's gonna be mad at you i was like yes yes you finally get it 100 yes that's what

it's like dude i mean i that's not the worst thing in the world to get bud light but i wouldn't like feel weird about it like cool seven bucks also i doubt that the trans cashier would have cared unless you would have gone bud light ew that's for jerks and then coors light forever you know what i mean like there's not two options there yeah no i don't know i ran it by everyone everyone said i was insane yeah you sound like me overthinking shit i know i pulled a one that's what everyone said it's like whoa you're pulling a lunt but also yeah maybe that was the right move. Get Bud Light. Who cares? Drink it. Suck a cashew stick and get out of there. We tried to make Negronis because we had a bunch of gin. They tasted like paint thinner. That was bad.

We made a bunch of gin and juice that, of course, no one had. juice that of course no one had uh big i mean it probably started at four it went till 2 30 a.m and there was an hour to an hour and a half of that where we were all just like reeling with existential dread because someone's like cousin just died it was it was gnarly man it was an early time so the more i think about it the less i think that anyone really fucked up besides me well oh you're saying most of the most of the negativity was in the stress of getting everything ready and then the actual party was sailing i think the actual party ruled huh but you said my uncle tom told pollock jokes for like three hours. That was fun. That's way too long.

I know. We all gathered around. He just stepped up to the plate and kept whacking dingers. It was nuts. My Uncle Tom was like the MVP. Bobby showed up. Bobby Crane. And I was kind of bummed.

I thought you were going to show up too secretly like you'd planned something. But Bobby showed. And that ranch dressing, Bobby had a big beard. His hair was all long. And he dipped a big chicken tender in there. And he ate it. But he got ranch dressing all in his beard and hair. And my Uncle Tom came around the corner. And I was like, Uncle Tom, this is my buddy Bobby.

And he's like, hey, Bobby, you got cum all over your face. And then went in the bathroom. What are you, Polish? What are you, a Polish polish jerk what's going on here that means you're straight right anyway tom halberstadt nice to meet you um yeah my uncle tom was like i you know he was explaining the uh what lop what wop and uh dago meant you know oh boy and people were starting to get nervous and he's like yeah but, you know? Oh, boy. And people were starting to get nervous, and he's like, yeah, but honestly, at the greenhouse, I got like 65 WAPs working for me.

I'm a big friend of the WAPs. I employ a lot of them. So it's like, okay. All right. What's Dago? Becker probably. I know what it means. Because WAP is without papers, but what's Dago? Dago

is a bastardization of the name diego oh weird yeah that's where it comes from okay uh of course it's okay to say both of those because italians were fascist no i i felt weird because i started thinking of all the other were fascist no i i felt weird because i started thinking of all the other terms that can can be used that we avoid because i don't say any of those but yeah italians uh they're they're taking it on the chin for the next you know probably 50 years and then maybe they'll get some respect yeah they're like the only handsy guys left to get away with it yeah it's their culture to just goose the goose grope gronk um oh yeah then my uncle tom also was like my aunt julie was like oh these flowers are great because i got a bunch of flowers for emily and he was like yeah those are good too bad they're not peonies and my aunt went tom stop it

and then walked away and i was like what was that all about and he's like oh whenever i bring on peonies that means i'm getting laid it's like oh stop go outside with the fellas uncle tom save that shit for the shop all right i don't want to hear it right now have a smoke yeah he fired him up so he was an nvp uh my cousin annie very pregnant that was fun also smoking yeah she was chewing she evolved she put some dips in sophie did like three costume changes that was fun that was your move not this year i wasn't allowed you floated it and it got denied i mean emmy kept being like this is not our going away party this is my graduation so don't make it about you and then sophie was allowed to make it about her well sophie's a girl hannah did a cool costume change

sophie's friend olivia got in on the action dumped him out something happened you burped and it fucked up your whole setup uh what a jerk what a fucking idiot he can't hear me but he's crying again god it's been a tough week for old sam t god i'm fucking crying over here he's crying he's latching i'm latching myself while i'm crying latching onto your last shred of hope god this uh yeah i wanted i wanted to be up there, but also I had several things I needed to do down here. I did one thing. I had a little freak out a couple days ago, so that sucked. What was your freak out about? Just constantly feeling like I'm behind, like everybody's mad at me.

Just mostly made up, but... Not totally mostly. The stress is real. What are you behind on? Feeding crows? I mean, there's nothing going on down there. No, I mean, yeah. I haven't even tried to get crows up in here.

We have a bag of peanuts just looking at me, taunting me, reminding me of all the shit I need to be taken care of instead of watching the bear, which we finished season two. It was good. Thank God, bro. Just cross the crow thing off your honey do list.

No one cares about it. I got to do it. All right, do it. Do it then. Please do it. I don't want you feeling bad. Well,

I do. So, and I texted Emily what i thought was funny and apologetic and she hasn't responded so that's rude or she was mad at you good yeah because she knew you had nothing going on down there i do have stuff going on also when i get out when i leave megan is just here and she's has lot of shit going on and it's tough for me to be gone. And it's okay for me to be gone if I'm working, if I'm doing stuff. To go to a party, it's like, yeah, I should probably stay home because everybody's going to be fine up there without me. But down here, I'm important. Up there, I'm just a little fucking shit smudge on the edge of the bed

yeah you're just another turd in the cosmic bowl well we missed you bobby showed up and then left so he was there for 40 minutes yeah bobby was here for i don't know four hours he put in some face time that was sweet of him yeah i'm just trying to think of all the things that are on your to-do list that were more important than coming to the party i'm trying i'm still trying to get caught up with the fucking patreon shit and i'm almost there i have a website that is non-existent slash redirects to donald trump's website and i tried to figure out how to undo that couldn't and now like i thought that i had the domain and after like four days of being like okay you know i gotta get into this everybody's like oh

the domain's available and it's like why what fuck? And so I need to do that. Who was it? Ball Soup that did that awesome prank on you? I mean, he hit you up a bunch. Just go to those messages and follow his advice. I tried to do what he told me to do. It didn't work. I also am trying to figure out my special.

And that has been like a series of random micro decisions that add up to being annoying i just wanted to come out there's the worst i feel for you on that and uh yeah just being you know i'm about to be gone for a week i'm about to be gone for most of july so i was trying to like get shit ready with megan she's supposed to have this bike coming. Well, it's a trike. Three wheels. Electric trike. And I want it to come so I don't have to worry about her having to walk to and from work when she may need to get

four gallons of milk. How's she supposed to get it there without a trike? She does love milk. For the coffee shop. They need milk. I thought it was just for her. Not for the house. No need milk i thought it was just for her not for the house no we're not huge milk drinkers i don't know you do know what goes on down there you do know dude your your life down there is uh happens without my knowledge which means it happens

without my consent i'm like the judge from Blood Meridian when it comes to your alone time. I don't like it. I want to have eyes on you at all times. I want to be approving or making fun of you. That's what has to happen. Oh, it happens. It's about to happen. I'm about to see you for six days. It's going to be awesome, dude.

Or wait, you get in on the 5th. So yeah, we'll get some time. Oh my god, I can't wait. I can't wait to paddle your little rump. Me and you and Adam Carolla? That's going to be sick. I don't want to hang out with Adam Carolla. I want to hang out with Toyota Carolla. You want to hang out with me?

LA's biggest drag queen. You're doing that, what, on the 5th? I think so, yeah. Plug my special. I will. Nice. Yeah. Yeah. I could plug my special. I will. Nice. Yeah. No, don't plug my special.

Oh shit. He'll love it. It's called soups on. He loves soup. He does. He keeps it in his thermos. I'm a man in his eyes because I reference soup in the title of my special. Shit.

So anyway, all in in all party was fun took susu to the pool today drove up to steamboat today or yesterday uh got up here my hangover kicked in brutally had to go to dinner she headbutted me right in the nads that sucked when you were like nauseous as though yeah we went to a grill your own steak restaurant and steamboat and as i was like walking back from the grill for honestly the umpteenth time uh to check my steak uh she rushed me and hit me right in the nads with her fucking big bulbous head and that was awful it's uh like a big like normal like cut of steak as opposed to like korean barbecue where it's little slices yeah i got like a fucking you know 15 ounce bone-in ribeye oh yeah yeah it was good man it was real good so yeah she's nuts i love her took her to the pool today that was awesome uh everything is good just like yesterday i just had the weight of the world on the back of my neck

and it was pushing me down to eat my own turd and I hated it. Well, and so Quit talking to Wilhite? I could obviously, no, I'm fucking with my water bottle. It's different. Okay. I don't have an object that can't help you.

I don't know if you've noticed but I could definitely make fun of you for freaking out about having to run four errands. And I'm not because I love you. Well, hey, we're in completely different hemispheres when it comes to capabilities, man. You had a tough time going into a gas station, all right? I threw a party for like 100 people. It wasn't 100 people. There were 17 people there.

No, there was probably in waves at least 120 people who came through. And how many people did you think should not have been there? How many people surprised you by showing up? Where you were like, what the hell? The people who did show up who I didn't expect to show up were all comedians who came after Jokechella. So that was fine. But there were people who I thought should have been there earlier who didn't show up until very late. Noah Reynolds.

Noah came up after Jacob Rupp and Miriam shows, even though he could have come up with the four other people I said I could give him a ride. But he didn't come up until like 1 a.m and he stayed for an hour and a half and barely entertained me or told me any funny stories any cool bits it's like no i need you here so i can turn to you and look i got keith d in one corner who's doing the dumbest shit ever and then i got i need you over there being nervous and afraid and i didn't have that I didn't have the yin to my Keith D. Yang. Thank God Bori was there. Bori is just my rock. I can show up.

I can see him. His whole butt's out. It's awesome. Various times I walked into the living room and Bori was on the couch. And it's like, well, there's the whole side profile of his ass. And his shorts are right around like, if it was whole side profile of his ass and his shorts are right around. Like if it was the clock, if his ass was a clock, his shorts are like two o'clock right now. It's just his whole ass is on my couch.

And that's like, all right, some things never change. I like two o'clock doesn't make sense. Yeah. Four o'clock. Okay. If you think about it, his shorts are like right here yeah the bottom is right here they're low they're off they're effectively off is he a new man with the c-pap setup because he's getting real sleep yes his c-pap his brazil experience i want to get him

on a patreon to tell us about brazil because it was very restorative for him. But yeah, CPAP, if you need a CPAP machine, get it because he's getting REM sleep. Finally, he's the dog. Yeah, I asked him that specific question. Do you feel tired all the time? Because my basic understanding of sleep apnea, of sn snoring is that if you have sleep apnea you don't get good sleep and he was like i don't know i feel good but it's like he he didn't know what he how good he could feel with with rem sleep so that's great not know what it feels like to be rested and he was and he was like kicking ass busy like he wasn't like blowing it even though he was i'm

sure like tired often he's lucky he didn't get sick all the time yeah i mean i don't know how deep of a dive we should go on to bory's health oh yeah pre-diabetic so that's cool uh and we kept looking at everyone's blood work that was like her fun party trick she did. That was fun. And we did. Yeah. Pull up your blood work. I'll tell you what's wrong.

Why did everybody have their blood work on their phone? Because people go to the doctor. Okay. You have access to your health records through your app that you're on. Well, it'd be nice if I could know my blood type but apparently that's a medical mystery that nobody can solve they took my blood and i was like oh yeah uh you have my medical records right there on on the computer i would imagine uh any chance you could tell me my blood type and they were like uh no i was like okay great what the what the fuck my mom forgot because she doesn't care i forgot because i

don't care i have to do this crow thing and uh it's fucking crazy i asked uh long ago when i had to go i think i had to get oh it was to get um whatever shots you need before I went to see little Eli come out of his mom's vajay. You saw that live? No, no, I'm kidding. When I went out there for his birth, I had to get whatever shots you get. And I'm sitting there and I'm like, hey, you're in front of a computer with my medical records pulled up ostensibly. Can you tell me about blood type?

And she's like, no, no, I don't have access. What the fuck? Okay. So I guess I'll just bleed. I'm bleeding. I've been bleeding for five years and nobody can tell me what blood I need to replenish myself with. Nobody can tell me what blood I need to replenish myself with. Well, you should just bleed into some unflavored soda water,

and you'll have your own cherry Coke, because your blood's sweet as hell. You got jerk blood. I love you. We should sign this off. Any closing words of wisdom for me? I love you, too. You know, maybe we should. I have some wisdom for you i love you too um you know maybe we have some wisdom for you okay join the patreon lund i need you to sign up i'm in five bucks a month from you to go into you join that patreon it was you know it's the first of the month you probably forgot your card laps get back in there

patreon.com slash chubby behemoth uh a new video is going up tomorrow of uh literally laughs and me in washington dc bumping around made by the great pat richardson oh dude it's during the patreon i only saw a little bit of it and it was funny it's funny man i mean it's just we're doing a lot of cool stuff up there um and we appreciate you and you know we just got it we got we got more mouths to feed now we gotta start paying pat uh lun needs more peanuts that he never uses for his crow scheme uh becker you know getting involved yeah you plugged you plugged san diego i'm gonna plug uh savage henry comedy club next weekend july 14th and 15th in beautiful Eureka, California. I will be there.

I think it's a one show each night. It's a beautiful club. It's a right, right by the water. We can go put our toes in the ocean. Last time I was there, I didn't, I didn't put my toes in the ocean like an idiot. Oh yeah. You got to go do that. We got to do that in San Diego, too. Toes in the water. Yeah, bro. Savagehenrycomedy.com, I believe, is the website.

Shout out Chris Durant. He's going through some shit. Hopefully, he'll be feeling better. I'm hoping I can see him. His head exploded is what happened. He got a little water in his ears. They say not to put Q-tips in your ear canal i say get the water out before your head explodes so be careful walk that line um and if you live in japan hit us up if you're a japan listener

a couple of you have already reached out and given us some like fucking wild ideas we're gonna have a cameraman with us we're shooting a little thing for a fairly large platform one of the largest platforms in the world um so hit us up not youtube you dicks all right uh but join the patreon so we got some spending money over there in japan we love you goodbye wait also uh get coffee from my wife, Megan. She bought Mutiny down here in Trinidad.

They're going to be shipping coffee to people. It's great coffee. There's a few options. Email her at Mutiny on Main Street at Gmail. She'll explain to you your coffee options. You can support my beautiful wife

creech the dog