Chubby Behemoth - This Is A Funky Football

Episode Date: March 8, 2025

BONUS EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   This week Sam is a husk. Nathan wishes he had read a classic novel on the plane, imagines being on a cruise ship, and tells Sam about Scott and Laci Peterson. Sam went for the Voss, tells Nathan about Dr. T’s new skill, and has a big plan that involves adult sport impersonators. Nathan bent a needle. Shutting the lid rules have been imposed!   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Mutiny Coffee: [e-mail]

I'm going to be this loud. Might not be that loud though. Let's be honest. I'm pretty depleted at this point. You're a husk. I am a fucking wrung out sponge, man. Elon husk. Yeah.

It's really bad. I've been experiencing ramifications of our medication. We're both on. And then wondering if maybe it's something else. Isn't that a curious little pig tail that hangs off my strange head? Yeah, the whole time, the last three days. Last week I might have missed my dose. Whoopsie.

Don't tell my doctor. Yeah, I can't remember. Well, I was in a fugue state, you know, because something happened. There was something missing and I don't know what it was. You have lost time. Uh-huh. That's one of the signs of it was. You have lost time. Uh huh, yeah. That's one of the signs of an alien abduction is lost time.

Oh yeah dude, no I have lost time. I don't remember Indianapolis at all. I guess I was there. I guess I changed comedy forever but whatever. They'll never forget. Yeah, it was just a Tuesday to me. You're M. Bison. I'm Mud Button is what's going on now.

Because, yeah, I missed my dose last week and then, by the way, this is Dose Watch with Sam and Lund. By the way, we should be looking over there. Where were you looking? Not at the movie. No, we're in a movie theater. They're pissed. Well, we are in D.C.

We're kind of fitting in. Luckily, the staff at LMO D draft house are chubby chasers Yeah, they are crumpling up those complaints and throwing them in the garbage. Keep those NA Mai ties coming my way Hey, can I get another Deadpool up here, please? They're all themed. Hey, can I get another Phantom thread for me and my boy over here? Fanta thread. Oh yeah. Nice. Hell yeah, bro.

I saw phantom thread in Springfield, Missouri and I loved it. I haven't watched it. What are you doing? Get off your phone. Daniel St. Louis. Yeah. So anyway, someone missed their dose last week. Not me.

I'm a good boy. No. And then they took their same dose this week and they have been. And it's wrecking you. Oh my God, I've been fucking dizzy, nauseous. I've had just, look, we're watching there will be blood and this could be about my ass last night. Yes, dude, it's this.

It's explosive. Yeah, and the whole time I'm like, huh, what's going on? Maybe I got food poisoning. I'm like walking around today, like I got fucking hit in the head. And I'm like, oh, why am I so nauseous? And you're like, huh, what could it be? What's different?

Yeah, you kept like thinking out loud and I kept having to tell you, there's side effects. You didn't feel them immediately. It doesn't mean that they aren't possible every week after every shot, whatever, as we up our dose. I mean, I'm just going to go to 10 next week. If I can get through this, waking up 10 to 12 times, I mean, one o'clock, two o'clock, three o'clock, plop. That was me. It was really bad, dude. And it was just like, I would wake up and I'd be like, oh, time to make the donuts and just go clock in

real quick, real workman-like. I was kind of like a Greg Oster tag on the toilet, you know? And- You were making jazz. Yeah, I mean, I wasn't there for buckets. I was there to protect my teammates and maybe get a couple of rebounds here and there. But yeah, it was really bad.

And then I woke up this morning and I went downstairs and I said, hey, I should probably get some water. Oh yeah. Jesus Christ, you nuked me. I wasn't even, it's so funny that you care. So yeah, you go to get a water, I need to hydrate. You go to get a water, there's several options for bottles of water.

You go with the Voss. I did, I got the Voss. You went for Rich Voss and his brand of lifestyle water and it gives you a speech impediment. Liberal tears. No he's like I don't think I think he's big on one side of that crazy scene going on over there. He's not kicking it with Owen Benjamin? No, no, I think that he's kicking it with, how should I put this? RuPaul? Netanyahu. Oh, okay. Yes.

Well, yeah, so you grab Voss and I make fun of you. We're a Voss, huh? Briefly. Oh, I went for the Voss. Yes. You have changed. That's what did it. And you? You went for the Voss would have been clawless. I could have dealt with that. Yeah, I want a Voss, but no, you have changed. That's what did it and you you went for the boss would have been clawless

I could have dealt with that. Yeah, I want a boss, but no you have changed or did I say you have gotten soft No, you said you have changed. Yeah I mean, it's like my biggest concern I was like, well fuck this Arrowhead aquafina whatever can't be a glass bottle or it's like you don't even know me anymore You if there had been a well Pump yeah would have you would have gotten it a couple handfuls. I would have drank out of the hose Yeah, and

Somehow changed into overall. Yeah straw hat would have would've wiped my head with the back of my wrist and said, ugh, need that rain. Yeah, I was so scared. After I realized that you were like thinking about it when we went to lunch, I was like, dude, that's what you do to me with every decision I make. Which I didn't realize. Every little stupid thing that I do or don't do, you try to make fun of me for it? Like if I would have said, like

you did, oh, oh, and you had a thought process. You weren't even going for like the fanciest water because that's who you are now. You wanted a refillable thing. I knew I was going to have to fill it up from various water stations as we went about our day and this nation's capital. So I didn't want I didn't want this. Yeah that's gonna that's gonna turn into rubbish. Oh yeah the glass I could have that on me forever I could get buried with that Voss bottle. You would have forgotten it somewhere later. No no I'm gonna leave this here in your room of course and I'm gonna keep putting zins on the ground in your room my room will be pristine and clammy it's fucking wet in there this one this one feels weird too

it's I don't know what it is yeah it's like where DC's humid but yeah but we're not Hugh mud and this is my brother Lou Lou Mudd. Lou Diamond Fillmudd. Fill in Sal Mudd. Oh, yeah. So you. Hold on. We can mine this vein. Dime Mudd Darrell.

You had a thought process. Yeah. And you could have just been like, yeah, I want to keep refilling it, stupid. And that would have been fine. But like, yeah, I want to keep refilling it stupid. And that would have been fine. But you, yeah, you tucked your tail. Well, yeah. Cause as soon as you said it, I was like, Oh fuck. Cause like there is, there is a concern that I have that people are going to think that I'm, you know, trying to carry myself in a new way, but I'm not, I never had money. It's what you must remember. You came from nothing.

You can't bury something that lives in the dirt and used to pay rent you know how I got to earth with with third and Daniel Plainview came and dug me out and I came from not even the crust I was deep down in there dude after the crust in the mantle that's right mm-hmm yeah it was so funny so funny that you reacted like that. I guess, yeah, I have to make fun of you more so that you get tougher. You should make fun of me more. Pat's the only one who needles me.

I thought I was doing a good enough job. Well, you only make fun of me when I deserve it. Whereas I make fun of you whether you have it coming or not. Every which way but loose. And look how tough you are. That's right. You've changed, you know? You were soft for a while and then I brought you back. I covered you in oil You were my son

This is my son There will be mud My son has active diarrhea He's on the manjaro because he's come portly from his soft life that my many dollars have provided him. Well, God couldn't give us an answer. So man intervened. Manjaro. What's the kid's name?

HW. HW come forth. Look at him. He used to roll like a barrel of beer, but now he's slim. He's live. Probably should have put the camera under the TV so that we could fake it. This movie's so good. What, we have to do our podcast?

Allegedly. I can't watch There Will Be Blood. It's not like it's on all the time. Not always. It's usually No Country, which we watched last night. That's right. We watched. I just sat here in silence and just kept going. It's kind of like that in the book. Really close to the book. You said you just reread it? Yeah, I finished it on the plane again yesterday. It's the easiest way to be able to discern what simple, straightforward writing is, is me reading that. It's even more stripped down than like Hemingway or anything like that. It's quite the it's quite the the taut little body.

I like to lay on top of it and play with its nipples because it doesn't have any boobs. I wish I would have read a classic novel on the plane ride over. I watched a Netflix documentary or a series about Scott and Lacey Peterson. Because you said she had a cool butt. That was why you watched it? No, Amber Frye. Scott's side piece was yeah very thin, severe looking, like jaw, cheekbones, awesome, blonde, like very pretty in like a cold kind of way nice very Scandinavian and yes and turn up sucker There's a picture of the two of Scott and amber like hugging and her so she's like turned into him Mm-hmm, and you just see blood out her butt is crazy, and you've yet to show me this, but here's the thing I figured you would have looked it up. I don't know anything about these people. I know their names.

Let me try and guess what happened with them. Okay, it was 2002. Okay, so I was 14, 15 years old. Yeah, it was Christmas 2002. All I did was play football and then go home and play Madden and then go lay down and think about being a football. What if I could just be the ball? I'd be in every big play.

He's everywhere. Why be a lineman or a running back or a receiver when you can just be the star of the show. Yeah, that was, that was that was it haunted me I laid there and I said mommy mommy come in hud hud hike she would hand me to my father going on three actually my mom was a real hog she would put it in my father me and my father's breadbasket he would roll over it she would pull it out and then zip it down the field. She liked tearing me out It's like to be a football It'd be very fun if while you flew through the air right but on the ground you are a mess

Yeah, it's not log. It's not hedgehog. No football is just Every which way but loose. It's it's shaped incorrectly. Yeah I don't know. I guess being punted would hurt but like if you got thrown like a Hail Mary pass nice touch pass you're just fucking you're a flightless bird but you're still in the sky. Yeah and then everyone's like yeah. You were jealous of the football. Everyone's got eyes on him what about me I'm all say I made a pigskin we all are I bounce different what do you think happened in Modesto Christmas 2002 thousand two? Oh, Lacey and Scott Peterson. Yeah. Okay. So did he?

I think that he took her on a cruise and she started yapping and he shoved her overboard. No, but they couldn't prove it. No, it wasn't that. Okay. Did he okay? There'd be so eight thousand witnesses. Well, I don't that. Okay. Did he? Okay. There'd be so 8,000 witnesses. Well, I don't know about that. I don't know. I've been alone on the poop deck when me and Emmy went on our cruise. We were alone up there. Carnival or down on each other. It was a spirit airlines flight. It was, we booked it through spirit airlines. So I don't remember who the cruise company was. Yeah. There's like four

So I don't remember who the cruise company was. Yeah, there's like four monoliths. Yeah, it was a, it was, it was an interesting experience to say the least. One of her friends came and. I thought about this. Yeah. Cause, oh yeah, I listened to an episode of, oh yeah, dude, on the way to the airport yesterday.

And they talked about. Is that Noah's pod? Cruise lines. No, Jonathan Larroquette's son, uh, John Larroquette's son from night court. His name is Jonathan Larroquette. And then Seth Romitelli, uh, very funny together. They started, they'd been doing it since 2000. No, we're funnier, but I like, I like the podcast.

I don't like you listening to other podcasts. It's just like Becker and Matlock. I listen to Oh Yeah Dude and What Happened When with Tony Schiavone. You keep talking about Cornett. I've been enjoying Tony Schiavone. Yeah because he swears. He has a very dirty mouth. Yeah that's what you like about him is he says swears. Yeah I've been enjoying it but... If you ask me about the Midnight Express, I call them the Midnight. What they made in Beaumont, Texas in 84

I'll be able to tell you right now how much College it was like 150 bucks But what's his name? Or that is always running it through the inflation calculator to show that he wasn't a total loser like it sounds Dude, I heard something. Wait. sorry. Junkyard Dog made like 5k a week in Mid-South. He was breaking it in. Well Cowboy took care of his own. In like 1981 Cowboy was a white man. Yeah but he took care of his own. Oh his boys. Workers. Yeah the guys. Yep. You can draw money brother. Hell. How many butts you

gotta put in a seat before they've named the goddamn seats after you Oh, yeah, dude talked about a cruise. Okay, and I thought god I never would and then I was like wait if I could go on a cruise with Everybody else not being cruise veterans if everybody was like first time or brand new cruise Yeah, then I knew I could get I think I could get into that because it sounds like there's so many stupid little ins and outs. You think there's a caste system to cruise it? My Uber driver laughed at my hat because he speaks Hindi. Yep. And I told him how for Wide World you did not want to go to India because it'd be really tough

between the heat and just so many people. And he was like, yeah, no some some places are crazy. The traffic's crazy, but a lot of the cities are cool. But, and then, you know, because I was wearing my Lund hat and we talked about Lund, meaning penis and Hindi, he was like, you'd probably sell some hats. I was like, dude, that'd be hilarious. You go down there, you become the biggest comic in the world. Yeah, I sell, you're just Lund hats. Yeah. You're doing arenas as Lund. Yeah. And you just come out and you point to your hat you go They would love it dude you king of the street food you just have diarrhea everyone's stoked Like he brought his own from home

Yeah cruise might be fun without all the people who know all the stupid little cheats hacks That would be a no. What are the hacks and cheats? I don't know just knowing we brought liquor in our shampoo bottles Oh, yeah, you have to do that I don't know or I guess part of it too is when if people are all about going on cruises, that's annoying to me Yeah, yeah, that's a specific adults. Yes Or just like getting mad if you don't know like oh the lines over yeah. That's like Disney adults. Yes. Or just like getting mad if you don't know like, oh, the lines over there. It's like, all right, I don't, this isn't my whole thing. Sorry. So yeah, I just wanted to get a particular thing. I just wanted to get another

cup of Guy Fieri's donkey sauce. This is the only place you can get it because we're in international waters and it keeps growing. Extra eyelids. Doesn't get me sick. Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine. Do you want to guess what happened to poor Lacey? Yes. Okay. Her unborn son. Oh, she was pregnant to the max. What did he do? He was talking. The kid could talk. Yeah. They all sorry. Look who's talking for in utero. I'm on a plane. Baby's first words. We really put a lot of stuff together on this podcast.

I think we just mentioned 19 things in 45 seconds. Every other podcast, they'd be like, oh yeah, let's let's get this. We got four more minutes on this. It's like, shut up. Yeah, we're going to fucking move forward. I don four more minutes on this. It's like, shut up. We're gonna fucking move forward. I don't like it. I'm gonna do that to you. I'm gonna give you the whirly blood.

Push my eyeballs in? Uh huh, yeah. I'm gonna fill your mouth with mud. And I'm gonna tell you I'm not gonna do it, but I'm gonna do it anyway. That was an unconsensual mudding. What do you mean? When Daniel Day Lewis takes Paul Dano down after he

slaps the shit out of him and he's wrestling him in the mud, he scoops up a handful of mud and shoves it in his mouth and then blocks his mouth so he can't spit it out. Dano didn't know. No, he had no idea. Yeah. I wonder if he was mad. So that's what's that's what's coming for you next time you make fun of the the water bottle that I choose water. Yeah, it wasn't the choice of the water. It was the vessel bro right. Why don't you stuck to your guns? Did he waif? Did he rig some kind of bungee cord accident? That seems like the easiest

way to kill a lady in California. No bungee cords and well, okay was okay. I think that I think that he okay. Is it was it a fake murder for hire? Did he like act like a hit man killed her? Okay, did he would do? Did he shooter in the head and say they survived the shooter in the head and then act like it was

a person of color who actually committed the murder no that was that dude in Boston okay that was a that was another true crime series that I watched Lacey probably on a plane whoa I can't complain I was on a plane. Yes. I literally wish I knew. I feel like this is a big part of being an American, you know, having knowledge of these kinds of things. Did he, oh, did he like refuse paternity? And then when she had the baby, he stole it. No, what happened? I have no fucking idea People aren't positive but it the because she disappeared. He called the cops Everybody started looking for her. We did the disappearing bitch trick. Yeah, I don't know where this ho is She probably chasing a tumbleweed. Yeah

Called I think December 24th He called the police. Let me have one of those bad rad knees. I haven't been washing my hands Everyone was a wife with the right Everybody starts looking for her can't find is find her. Is he leading the charge? Like, where's my wife? Like, doing like... No, he couldn't... You would have thought he was a spy who didn't know what crying was, the way that he was

always like very stoic, just kind of like, oh yeah, we just want her, I just want my baby home. I mean, to be fair, I would never cry on TV if something happened to Emily. No. I'd just stand there and go. He couldn't even do the sharp inhale, man. Whatever some bitch did this, you better know. We're coming for you.

We're coming for you. He didn't do. Cool. You've cut the thrill. I'll tell you this, the cops better find you before I do. Cool. And the whole city of Detroit, it's your ass. I am cool.

And I'm like, it's just cool. And they're like, cool, cool. And I'm like, sure. Cool. And then they all just do it. Cool. There is no Dana only cool. We already did that.

Right? All right. We had that right away. Sorry. There is no Dana only cool. Oh, we already did that right? All right We had that right away. Sorry did that every Halloween rerun? Okay, so he Disappears his wife allegedly no Vim like beginning of November. He meets amber fry sees that thing on the back of the fucking Cadillac he's like yeah back it up back that dumb truck on the dump yeah my face is the refuse pile they talk for like a few weeks I think I think they've been talking for like a month and he she oh yeah a friend of hers runs into someone and Scott and the dude is like oh yeah Scott and Lacey his wife. So then Amber's like, what the fuck? And Scott goes, oh, yeah, no, I lied to you. I am I was married and she's like I lost her

And then like three weeks later she disappears So then when Amber finds out she's like what the you told me a month ago that you lost your wife And he was like there's a lot of ways you can lose someone That's like, okay, so, you know, that's what he said. Yeah. So basically, she like soaked when he says that she turned on by this. No, she turned him in. No, but like the cops, obviously the cops are looking at him right away and he doesn't know how to like be convincing, you know, that he's distraught, that he's helping. He like refused to

talk to the media and everybody in the media is like that's like the main thing you do to help somebody find your wife is like yeah spread the word so he go door-to-door he's blowing it left and right or carving a lino cut print so you can go make some and hand them out and say keep that I'll be worth something someday. That's what I would do. You number the missing posters. You sign them. Uh-huh. Here you go. Okay so he disappears his wife. There's a lot of ways you can lose somebody. Yeah he said that he went fishing and she oh he said some some of the time he said he went fishing and came home and she was gone. Other times he said he went golfing. He just couldn't fucking,

he was such a dumb ass about it. Yeah. Dumb ass. And then, uh, they finally, she washes up in the Bay, like the place that he said that he went fishing or whatever, like just complete dumb fucked it up almost every time that he went fishing or whatever like just complete dumb fucked it up almost every time that he could everyone try to wear down pocket he made anchors like cement in a in a sand bucket don't you have to perforate the stomach so it'll sink to like you have to like break up the abdomen a little bit so that doesn't fill with gas and then balloon up. I think if you just perforate you're good to go. And he might have done that. Oh dude I have something

horrific to show you. Emmy went to a concealed carry class today, a pistol class yeah. Okay with her sister. She's taking the power back. Yeah, you're not gonna throw her around anymore She's not gonna be a football for long You're not gonna be able to do the fumble drill every Wait we got a no we're fine Fine Okay, so yeah, she went to a concealed carry and I can't show you but she sent me the video of the target that she Shot at and it's just center mass. She's a natural. She, she's a big natural bro. She went, she's Chuck Bronson.

I married to Chuck Bronson. She went with Hannah. You said Hannah and Chelsea. Okay. Yeah. And they just pumped these targets full of lead and she sent me a picture and I, she, I, she said, you know, she got the certificates and now she can get the concealed permit and, uh, cause she went to one. Yeah, it's America still. But, uh, yeah. So now it's like, is she just going to have that thing on her at all times? Probably.

Do you think so? I mean, you never think of that. You never think that when I was a boy and I met that young woman who within two weeks of meeting me shaved her head except for a rat tail that she broke her wrist two summers in a row. Oh yeah. Just total clums. Oh, didn't know how to use chopsticks. I'd never seen an avocado. And then those are the two things I would say. It's a funky football. Yeah. Who's this for? They're littler football. She cracks it open. She's like, there is the pit, the littlest football. And then she just spends like three hours like trying to crack

that thing open to find the ultimate little football. The littlest football. So yeah, anyway, I never thought that I'd be married to a woman who would be carrying a pistol around with her. I think it's because of Susanna. Or maybe she's not carrying it around, maybe she just wanted to go shooting with the girls. This was all a surprise to me. Yeah. Yeah.

When I went shooting with Tim Butterly, I kept shooting down and to the left and it meant something like weak gun control or something. I was blowing it. Yeah, you went Kennedy style. Well, I hadn't eaten, so I was a little bit peckish and there was some adrenaline involved. When did you just do take a bite out of that cup? No, I spit out the Zen. Couldn't handle it. Uh, I was over it. Yeah. I get it. Um, I let the burn sustain. I was two seconds away from getting the hiccups or gagging. I don't have good Zen control and good hand control.

Why don't you get out of my, sorry, get out of my shot. good hand control. Why don't you get out of my shot? Gotta let the hair bring people in. Yeah, you look great. Yeah, you went shooting with Butterly and you... He did a lot. He did better than I did. I also didn't want to overthink it and like really try hard. I just kind of wanted to shoot it. Yeah. So yeah, but yeah, I was a little shaky because I was hungry. So that didn't help and we had a lot of bullets I wanted to get through them and get out of there I wanted to go eat. You started eating the bullets? No, I dropped them on the ground I

guess we should go. They're all dirty. Let's get tired. You can't fire dirty bullets. But yeah, it was also the first time I had shot a gun in over a decade Mm-hmm, and I just wanted to have fun with it ever since Christchurch So I can't believe you got away with Emily fucking Natural yeah, you know she's a sharpshooter she's built for it. Well, she has patience. She knows how to breathe I think that's a big part of being a marksman. It's breathing out breathing in Yeah, I don't know. I've never been a marksman before I Barely read Karl Marx, man, you know And I did to try and get my dick sucked it's the only reason anyone's ever read dos copy tall

I think most people Emily included probably just logically is like, you know A lot of these psychopaths a lot of these randos with a short fuse are packing heat They're feeling empowered right now better to have it not need it than need it not have it I think she just wants a new thing to spend three hundred dollars on whenever she's bored, which is a holster You like this one's pink. You had somebody come over to help you with the house and they showed up several more times drunk and took a nap. So, well, you know what, maybe she wants to put an end to that. Next guy that starts talking about kill Tony while he installs the dishwasher. He's like, Oh, I gotta go, uh, polish my gun.

I'll be back. Yeah. Don't be here. The next person who DMS me and says, Hey, I'm a jack of all trades. And then they come over with whiskey on their breath and ask Shanguilless really making them at night. I, I need to protect myself against that. Well, we have the shoddy in the house you know somewhere

it's somewhere in our house. Okay yeah neither of you know. I know where the I know where the cartridges are though the double ought I got man stoppers I'm like Llewellyn Moss man double lot I'm just sawing off the fucking barrel. That'll pack a wallop. Yeah that'd be sick to have a sawed-off shotgun I could do that in my own house. I think they they're illegal I just can't take it outside in your house it's fun yeah yeah okay castle doctrine I think so I think you can do whatever you want to your gun as long as you don't let the Sun see it I think it's sunshine law I think is what's called yeah no so she's she's up

to no good. That's all right. I'm going to get Susie a gun for her fifth birthday. Here you go, baby. Here you go, honey. Think of me. Line up Voss bottles of water to shoot, to practice shooting. No, I'd line up a Michael Myers. She always wants to kill Michael Myers now. That's her goal. Killing Michael Myers. Oh yeah, she was obsessed at Halloween, right? Yeah, she doesn't give a shit about Michael Myers. There was a legit like six foot four Michael Myers on Halloween and she was just like smiling at him and waving. I was like, okay. Well, you make me nervous You're for oh

You know, I'm gonna do for her birthday her birthday swiftly approaching I'm gonna hire a we're gonna have a party with all of her friends. All of her little friends are gonna come over I'm gonna give him a party bus so they can come from Dearborn over to our house and I'm gonna hire a Steve Iserman impersonator to just walk around the party in an Iserman Jersey I'm going to hire a Steve Iserman impersonator to just walk around the party in an Iserman Jersey. So all the adults are like, is that the same? No, Steve Iserman and Steve is just like slap shots, right? You know, like he, I, he legally can't say he's Steve Iserman, but if people are like, are you, are you Steve Iserman? He's like, he can dance around the issue. He just goes, they'll never believe you. He's like Bill Murray or just a Barry Sanders

impersonator who doesn't look like Barry Sanders enough, but people are afraid of looking racist. So they're like Barry, how you doing man? Yeah, I think that'd be very funny to have adult sports impersonators at a children's party and they're not even like they're not like he's not doing like a balloon thing or like he doesn't have like a table where you can come up and change his mind. We can go get louder with Iser Van.

I have a I have a table set up with Steve Iserman look like and it just says there's only two genders change my mind. It's a bunch of four and five year olds none the wiser man. No yeah fuck like whenever I laugh too hard. Now I get dizzy. Wonder why Oh, yeah. Oh. Fuck. Yeah, whenever I laugh too hard now I get dizzy. I wonder why. It's definitely not the biohacking I've been doing.

Oh yeah, I tasted death and lived life with my last shot because I, when I went to put the needle into the bottle of medicine, I, it bent. I bent the needle and then it just bent. No, no, but it bent a little and it didn't break. And I figured if I tried to straighten it, it would probably break. And then I would have to throw it away. And you know,

they give you so many needles costs like a dollar each, which is insane they send you like a hundred though I don't think they did you have so many needles I haven't counted them I thought a couple so I could do Wolverine I didn't want to throw it away so I used it and I justified it by saying I'm not trying to go into a vein. So the stakes are pretty low. Yeah. I had a steak for lunch and uh, so I, I jabbed it. I jabbed it and felt pretty stupid, but Megan wasn't in there. So, you know, she couldn't stop me. No, she could never stop you. Last time I saw her. Have you, do you discussed what happened when I was over last time? Oh yeah. Emily asked me because you did not inquire because you said something to her

like I didn't wanna intrude or I didn't. It's none of my business. We're already like over there. You were so weird that day. So I didn't wanna piss you off. I was walking on fucking eggshells and razor blade shoes and you know, Becker's flinching whenever I look at him. So yeah, but she had, I mean

can I say it? Yes. She had an eye patch. She was wearing not like with a plastic band. No. But she had an adhesive eye covering, black eye covering. It's because she's not sure what has been going on either. I think it's a combination of allergies and, uh, the, and being allergic to like in the air, um, pollen, whatever, but also the dogs she's, she's allergic to the dogs. Yeah. So she has to be careful. Like mama, she'll get a rash from like if mama like lays up against her

skin. So she's allergic to the dogs, which is obviously annoying because she loves dogs. But- Mama has been such a gift to you guys. It's not just mama, it's Beanie too. I don't think, I don't think George Michael, well, George Michael had long hair, so he would bring in a lot of allergens.

But the actual dog hair fucks with her too. And they are all over the pillows And she told me she pulled a dog hair out of her eye that was like this long No, yes but that is the has been that what she has been concerned about with her eye is that she thinks she got like a dog hair in There or something irritated her eye and she had been scratching it and trying to get it out and that made it worse Sure, she often just patch atoms then? Not often, but she has used them sometimes

to try to like give, make it so she can't fuck with it more and to prevent more shit from getting into it. Yeah, it's a nightmare, it's very annoying. Well, that's the thing is like, it's none of my business. If you wanna lay around your house with a patch on, you know, it's still America. But I'm telling you the reasons and you could have asked it's so funny what you do and don't feel you can discuss like we're very close friends

well I know but creatures not like me and creature blood brothers you know I always feel like I'm stealing you or she's mad at you got yeah you well you guys both are very jealous of each other I'm'm not jealous of her. I'm happy. I'm so glad you have love in your life. I just also am like, I know that I'm in her house. It's the middle of the afternoon. Becker's wearing a trench coat. Uh, you know, he's, he says, I am going to do my live action reading of inspector gadget go, go. He said, go, go gadget penis and exposed themselves to your wife and she had to squint through a patch to see it.

So yeah, it's like I'm not going to bring it up or be like, Hey, what's up, patch Adams? A lot of sick kids in here. You acted like it was, you were worried it was some like sensitive subject. I was worried that it's like when you walk in and you see your buddy and he's got like a real bad like scar and you're like, Oh, like I'm not gonna ask about that. It's your buddy Don't you think you'd probably know when the injury happened so you know why there's a scar I would assume that he would bring it up and be like hey, man I want you to know why I got this scar Lund's been poking me in the eye the Joker. Yeah

Want to know how I got these scars? Yeah, I don't know. I thought it was I thought I was being polite I thought it was more of a manners thing. Don't ask someone why they have an eye patch on. Okay. She could have had, you know, maybe she got shit in her eye. She just want to talk about all the shit she got in her fucking eye. I don't know. I put mud in her mouth.

There was some shit in the mud. Some of the shit mud got in her eye. One's been watching there will be blood again. Yeah, that was funny. Emily was like, uh, can I, I'm going to ask what happened because Sam for the first time ever showed some weird restraint and decorum. It's like, I don't know why I am a very polite person. It's, it was just funny that you thought that I hit her or something.

No, I thought that, you know, you know, when I, I hit her or something. No, and I thought that you know You know when I guess I was like, okay, she'll probably tell me if she wants me to know why she's patched Or also like maybe it's just like there's contaminants in the air here and it just builds my case about how you know It was built on various Indian burial grounds And now people just they have weeping wounds in their face from in their eyes. This is such a pretty shot My favorite shot in the movie. There was a book called mud meridian About some of the scalp collectors in and around southern Colorado and northern New Mexico And you were reading it on the toilet and she went to flip through it and then touched her eye. I will say this

For the last couple of months and then touched her eye. I will say this, for the last couple of months, Megan thought that I always closed the toilet lid when I flushed. Interesting. And I never did. Okay, and is she- Because I like to watch it go down.

I need to make sure it's cleared. Make sure it goes down. I need to know if I need to get the brush out and address its gums and teeth, because I often leave a trail. Right. Yeah. So yeah, I never did it. I never did either. She was like, Hey, please close the lid when you flush. And I was like, Oh, okay. So I start doing it right away. I'm a good boy.

How recent was this a couple months ago? Emmy too. What? Something happened online. No, they're listening to the pod. And they're talking. No, no, no. Women saw something on Femme TikTok or Instagram that said, hey, you got to close the lid. Literally two months ago out of nowhere. I mean, it's like, I'd like if you would start shutting the lid. And she said, hey, I know that this is a touchy subject,

so I know how much you love to watch the guys go away. You know, every time you flush the bowl, you wave goodbye and you break a bottle of champagne yeah you stand there with your hat off but you should shut it because when you flush and then she she showed me like a still image on Instagram of like how the turd particles rise yeah they go everywhere my whole life I've just been standing over the bowl as it flushes going. Oh nice pattern. Were you sick every day? No. Were you sick four times a day? Never. No.

So I think it's bullshit, but I wanted to be a good husband so I started flushing the, or closing the lid and then, like a couple weeks ago, she says are you closing the lid when you flush your pee? And I was like no. Of course not. And she goes well you should because there's the pee goes everywhere as well, right?

And then she's like you're the toothbrush. This is a control thing. You're trying to exert Force maybe dominate my ass. I don't I literally don't know what it is But they get these wild hairs in their eyes and the next thing you know they're all wearing patches. Yeah but I've been been closing the lid. Swimming in pants. Cool move. Hopefully it helps help us save money on eye patches. Well I mean you guys must be going through them. She has those big beautiful eyes. Mm-hmm. Now she's patched. It'd be I't know, it's like if you come over to your buddy's house and his wife's using a cane, you're probably going to be like, well, that's none of my business, so carry on. What time are we at?

We're 40 minutes in. Okay. Well, guess what? I have diarrhea coming. Put your foot down. Put your leg. I am. I'm going to put my foot in. Put your leg away. No, they don't need to see you. They want to know what I look like. This is my show I'll go full recumbo Hello No, that's across the hall. Okay, there's other people here bury me like this

the mic in my hand Glasses on there will be blood playing on a loop. He's watching his favorite movie forever. This was his favorite part. He loves swimming in pants. What do you mean buried open casket or the TV is in the casket? No, no, I want to be like buried in a nice, but not a very expensive hotel room. And then it's like, Hey, you want the half off room?

And they're like, why? And he's like, well, there was a guy who had a pretty bright standup career. He's in there watching there will be blood. Really? What happened to his career? Well, he passed away, but he had enough Marriott Bonvoy point that he was allowed to get buried in one of the rooms. Yeah. No, I, you know, I'm going to be, I don't want to get buried in one of the rooms.

Yeah. No, I, you know, I'm going to be, I don't want to be buried. I want my skeleton cleaned and the cage in the corner. You know that. There was a brief video or movement on Femme TikTok about water cremation, I think. Well, it's not cremation but like water You use water instead of

Fire so just soak me. I can't remember sludge barrel body farm It was several years ago that that became like a new way to dispose to Get rid of a body they They all wanna give birth with dolphins and they all wanna be buried at sea. What's going on? I thought sea shanties were for boys. I can't remember.

Yeah, it was probably around the sea shanty period. That was their version of what do you do with a drunk concealer? They're like, what if they just made me into sludge? What if I became sludge and no one could come visit me and I was an even bigger mess? I mean, I know I get a couple of Cosmos in me and I can be a bit messy,

but I'm saying full on biohazard. I wanna be like the putty I apply to my head. I can't admit that I'm pretty enough. There was some reasoning- You're beautiful, ladies. You're so beautiful. Damn it. I can't remember the details. I don't think I will be able to but look it up. Water. It's not burial.

This is when you need Becker because Becker would be like, Oh yeah, I got a tank at my dad's house and we've been melting all the convicts who don't pay. And it's like, Oh, you never brought this up. Why would I I you never let me fucking talk why would I why would I contribute why would I contribute I'm Buffalo Bay Batman she was a great big fat lady and then she got melted down by water and then that's what's in my tanks. That's what gives me the power to terrorize Gotham melted fat ladies.

Oh shit God. I almost didn't make the show last night. That was a close call. That was very rare doesn't work. Very stressful and annoying, but I made it. You came in hot. I was very hot because I was, yeah, I was, uh, very relieved. I did not want to miss the first show.

You were only here for three nights. You don't want to miss out on the first show of the weekend. It's our first time here. It's like one of the best clubs in the country. Weird first impression. So yeah. And it wasn't my fault. It was a freaking plane. The plane couldn't get off the ground. They're not saying whose fault it was. Everybody looked at me. I was like, I'm on Manjaro. I'm practically a buck 20.

Practically a football put me overhead. Let me roll down the aisle. Let's do a loose ball drill for the whole flight. But yeah, I was very worried. And it was just like the thing where, oh, okay, if a million little things don't go wrong I'll be fine. And then every little fucking stupid thing does go wrong. And so it's like, oh good, we have to wait for our gate. Oh good, we haven't moved yet. Whatever. Like it just kept piling on. I was like, great, I'm gonna like barely miss it. I'm gonna go there as you're being brought up. But no, I made it and it was fun. It was also

funny to imagine after all of the stress and uncertainty, I make it, but then I eat shit. You wear it so bad. You're up there sweating. You're like, Hey Cleveland, wait, Oh DC, nothing. Nothing works. Sorry. I get pissed. There's more black people here than usual. I didn't know where I was Yeah, they have a little crowd work nice hat what was some guys like it's not a hat Like okay, what was the deal with the mic? Oh, I just kept blowing it I don't know I stepped on the cord twice as I was moving the mic up the stand and it ripped out twice Okay, I looked like a buffoon. It's literally never happened to me before last night. Twice. Twice in two and a half hours of

insane crowd work comedy. Well it is weird. I did two and a half. Brody Stevens style. Yeah I had a drum up there. It was... fuck. Oh it's crazy how some mic cords will behave and kind of stay out of the way and others just will not stop being annoying. Well, and then the more you move it, the more you know it's like a distraction, but then also it's like when somebody has like their hair's out of place and they don't fix it and everybody wants you to. Someone has an eye patch out of nowhere Your throne take that off. Yeah, come on. It can't be that bad. You have guests over I want to see both of your eyes. That's all I asked for

With both of your eyes, who do you think pays for this fucking church screech? Give me your eyes Yeah, I did not have an issue with the cord last night it was fine Yeah, no, you were you were great It was funny when you got there and the first thing you did was pop your top off to change into your hilarious shirt Well, and I was like Lund's here L London is on it. I didn't want to wear the shirt that I had worn all day. Of course not. Yeah, I've been baking in my own juice. Oh my God. The worst thing is you get to the show like right when you're about to go

up and you've been wearing the same pants on the plane all day and you know that they're just bad news. I go on stage and you just, I'm just burping. Just fucking burping all the time on stage. These terrible sulfurous burps, dude. Yeah, that is not a fun side effect. No, it's so bad. It literally smells like people are getting ready for Easter morning in your belly. It's just an egg boil and there's vinegar and some of the worst shit. It literally smells like people are getting ready for Easter morning in your belly

It's just an egg boil and there's vinegar and some of the worst shit and it's coming out of your mouth Yeah, I literally had warmed up the car a few mornings ago to drive Megan to work Uh-huh, and I burped once or twice before she came outside and then when she got in the car, she's like, oh god Is that your butt? I said, I wish you wish. Hey, you're going to need two patches for this ride on. I had to say, no, those were burps. I know they are really bad. And yeah, they are. You don't have them every day, do you? Oh, I've, I again, dude, since I just fucking, you know, skipped ninth grade and went right to 10th grade with this last shot. You had a honeymoon phase, I guess, because you did. I did. I did it right. Everything's

great and perfect. Yeah. I was like, nothing hurt. Nothing hurts. Yeah. You know, his daughter wrote a book, Perks of being a Wallflower. No I'm talking about Kerouac. Oh. No not Kerouac sorry I'm talking about Vonnegut. Oh no I didn't know. Yeah one of them has a daughter and she wrote a book the New York Review of Books is putting out. Is it a free one or a page? I don't know. You tell me. No ad read. Well there's no ad read but there's also some edits that need to be done depending uh

Yeah, no i'm I'm very fascinated to see How people will compare susu's work to mine when she gets older, you know, it's my niece and my only heir You know by marriage. She's been she's been named in the will She doesn't have any of your DNA Hopefully you better leave her alone. Jesus Christ Bates Jesus Christ Holy moly man as the great Jake Becker would say

What are you up to right now? Less is more the Jake Becker would say. I wonder what he's up to right now. Less is more. The Jake Becker story. I would love to have a camera on Becker right now so I could watch him. Just probably, probably sitting in a room and I'm, I love you Jake, but odds are you might just look like this right now. Maybe you just took a huge dab or a bong rip. Maybe. Yeah, but you're for sure. At some point today, Becker, you just, you looked like this for a while.

For a long enough period of time that people who were in the same room with you might be nervous that you're having some kind of embolism. Every now and then you'll look at Becker and you're just like, it's like, what happened? Mulan fugue. Man. Yeah. I got to get these burps out of my body. That would be annoying to have to deal with them on stage. Oh, I do. I don't think I blow them. I blow them out at some hot chick

I Could do the classic. Oh, what's that smell? Jesus, dude? The really gross guy in the front row. That's a fun one. I used to do that at Comedy Fort Comedy fart. Yeah Jesus is that you for sure you everyone knows it's you I just had farted quietly to myself some guy wearing my merch I'm like God how did you do that the towers or why I know who I got the who and it's you and the what it's that fucking smell when right now Where your ass I'm guessing

Maybe you have an open wound. It's gone gangrenous. I'm not sure Yeah patch Patches, I love you, honey bun. You ever call it patches Patches I love you, honey bun. You ever call it patches I forgot about that song. Yeah, you got to play that when she comes home that would that could be fun because we have a Her brother Justin got us a like Bluetooth speaker. Mm-hmm. JBL. Mm-hmm. I

Could blast that at her. Yeah, he used to wrestle with Ron Simmons in Florida. A lot of times I would play like if I'm waiting to pick her up or she's coming out of the store. I'll start playing Stone Cold's theme. Awesome. I could change to patches. Yep. She's so mad. She would hate it. She would. Yeah, she would keep walking. Get her to thumb out. Yeah, show some leg. Take off the patch a little bit. Some guys like, yeah. Yeah, I picked her up from work a couple days ago and she was dumped. Like, they were right there.

I said, I hope you made a lot of tips today, Juggs McKenzie. I bet you like that. Oh yeah. She thought it was great. Yeah. They like that kind of stuff. Being objectified by the one man they trust. She was fine with it.

I think we're going to go up to the sand dunes for our wedding anniversary. Oh man. That's the Max Ripple. That's more romantic than the dust. Oh yeah, we should go to Paris, you fucking. Go to Milan. Trash. It's kind of slept on these days.

We're gonna, we haven't been to the, I have never been to the sand dunes. There's some hot springs, so I think we're gonna do that, something nice. I like it. You should go to Las Vegas, New Mexico and do the No Country for Old Men tour. We need to do that.

You and I? Yeah. I can't fly direct to Las Vegas. No, we'll go, you'll come down, I can't fly direct to Las Vegas. No We'll go you'll come down from La Junta. I'm gonna take a helicopter from a little Trinidad Yeah, I want to go there's so many great buildings motels Restaurants that have to spend the night down in Vegas. No, we would have to that's a day trip

Two hours down two hours back. We use described as a gay trip. Yes No sex Maybe some fooling around so burping get our own rooms have a race. I Won last night you were on the toilet. Oh god Yuck, don't do the noise. I wanted a shower almost every time I shower I Jack it beforehand just to be safe Yeah, you're in there get dirty before I get clean. You're probably on your knees on a towel nude Wacking no people do that. I'm right here

I was right here. Well, I was in the toilet. No, I was saying when you went to your room Oh, yeah, I had to I was I had to make some mess Huh? Yeah, I'm worried about tonight Why I feel like I'm depleted No, I mean had rebel gallons of water that I passed through my morbid coil Your mortal combat we're gonna be done with this pod just in time to watch the end my morbid coil.

Your mortal combat. We're gonna be done with this pod just in time to watch the end. Oh, nice. Yes. Oh, he's saying I've abandoned my boy. I have abandoned my boy. Isn't he? I've abandoned my boy. Oh yeah, this is it.

Damn it. Well, where can they find you? Well, hopefully if they find me, Emmy's not there with her pistol. Wait, are we done? Just about. Oh shit. We should probably... There's a lot of cool stuff going on in Sam Talon Industries, but the most pressing of

my concerns, besides you guys buying tickets to see me in the UK in May in Australia, those things are flying, which is nice. Lund will be there for both of those by the way. Cleveland coming up obviously. I won't be in Brisbane or Perth. I'll be in Sydney and Melbourne. Yeah I'll probably have Richo or Mark the shark open for me in Brisbane. I think Mark the shark's gonna come with us to Australia or to New Zealand because he's from New Zealand. Oh cool yeah. He can can be our tour guide. Yeah. Uh, Cleveland coming up obviously March 20th, Colorado spring is get those fucking tickets. Just get those tickets. My brother-in-law is like, what's going on?

I'm like, I don't know. I haven't talked about on the pod yet, but March 20th I'm doing a little psychedelic fundraiser at a hookah bar in the Springs. And uh, that sentence never been said before. So come out to that Toledo, I guess no it has been said in Vancouver, Washington Stop hitting me and I'll suck it. Yeah, definitely Yeah, I guess I probably burnt my bridge with loonies by doing this show no, I don't want to burn I love loon He'll be fine. Okay, they'll all be okay with you doing a show in the spring. It's a fundraiser for men's rights.

Nobody can be mad at you. Oh man, it was so funny earlier when you said, we were talking about the substance. And I said, I thought you was like, the young one was so hot. And I was like, hotter than Demi Moore? No way. And you were like, what?

And I was like, yeah, she was not as hot as Demi Moore is now. And you were like, oh wow, you're such an ally and I went no, I'm not Yeah, that was great that was good But yeah, why don't you guys if look the new book the new issue of my book running the light everyone's favorite book is The new one has an intro by Doug Stanhope, Canane, RIP. Thank you for your help. I really appreciated that he's not dead. Oh, I better cancel that edible arrangement,

but also there's a preview chapter of my forthcoming novel, which is either going to be called Petulant Brute or Brute. My agent wants it to be called Brut, but yeah, so pre order that it's eighteen dollars. I know you've already given me some money. I really appreciate it, but I just want this thing to be a fucking rollicking success. Give me some more. No, I don't even get the money from it anymore. I just want it to be like you know a complete slam dunk. No one can be like oh, it was an experiment. I want to be a fucking just right out the gate barn burner. So yeah, if you could do that, um, obviously your support has changed my life. Mostly

Lund's podcast listeners. Lund's life is nuts. He's got fucking creatures wearing golden boss to eye patches around the house diamond encrusted. Yeah, that we that she throws away at the end of the day and it's like, Hey, you know how many kids hands got cut off for those diamonds? But yeah, so thank you. I'm sorry to ask for anything else. Besides joining the Patreon, I think that would be a nice thing to do. Sure.

Yeah, why not? And it's giving yourself a gift too. Yeah, you give us a few bucks a month, but in return, you get the world you get four additional hours of barn storming podcast content for a dollar twenty five an hour it's it's just a steal it's it's we we we have to get Becker's tail removed so you can sit down again yeah he's been kneeling in the bathroom a lot. So yeah, join the patreon. You'd be a fool not to tell him

patreon dot com slash chubby behemoth. You fool. We started the patreon pretty much right away, so you got four years worth four and a half years worth of other more years waiting for you. So yeah, you'd be insane not to. Buy a hat too if you got the scratch. Hit me up on Instagram or Facebook and say, hey, I'd love a hat. Do you want me to put them on my website? Hat time. Should I just put them on my website? No.

Then I can just send you the shipping labels and you can do it that way? Anyway, get a hat from Lund. Come buy some tikkies. I love you. I love you. You're my baby girl. Goodbye.