Chubby Behemoth - Time Before Clocks

Episode Date: July 18, 2022

Algiers. I Like Pears. Dibs On Bacco.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

Hey, everybody. Welcome to Chubby Friggin' Behemoth. It's me, Nate Lund, the man, the nature boy himself, the nurture boy, joined as always by Jake Becker. You know him. You love him. He loves food. He loves living, laughing, loving. And of course, yeah, you're a big fan of all things positive. This world is a big old oyster and you're ready to shuck it. Yeah, that's me. You explored all corners of the globe. You're an Anthony Bourdain type. You like to travel. You like to meet with locals. You like to dance.

You like to sing. I like to quit heroin. You like to quit heroin and like to sing. I like to quit heroin. You like to quit heroin and think about it every day, every waking moment. You have to smoke so much weed that your brain literally forgets your former life. And that's a lot of weed. And it only works sometimes. It's a daily battle. You don't win every single brawl. But, you know, you get up the next day, you put on a clean pair of underwear,

and you say, come at me, heroin. I'm ready. I'm going to give you all I got. We might be able to hear your air conditioning. We're not sure. Okay. Do you remember that time you and Bori made me feel crazy, Sam, for wearing new underwear every day?

Oh, of course. Sorry. And, of course, the third member of the podcast, the middle child, Sam Towner. Hey, everyone. I just want to thank you to the listeners who made it through that first three-minute intro because I'm sure a lot of you turned it off when you assumed that I was not on this episode. So, of course, the egomaniac himself, I'm surprised he could be quiet for two minutes without interjecting with a racist character. I don't or a misogynistic voice.

Oh, yeah. No, I'm sorry. I try and bring the humor to the podcast yeah that's what humor is where you come from which is uh the backwoods of colorado where everybody's uh raised by a parent that's uh been kicked in the head by a horse yeah i come from the mud baby i'm bubba sparks i'm triple x all right put the flaps on the jeep let me go beep beep till i skeet that's sam t nation we're running wild on your candy asses now becker you were trying to bring me in organically and i waited patiently tell me about the time i made you feel crazy it was mostly boring but i

believe you were there because we were doing a podcast and i talked about how like i didn't have things so i didn't want to stay there because like I didn't even have underwear for the next day. And he was like, oh, you're wearing new underwear every day? That's insane. That's wasteful. Yeah, I mean, it is selfish, especially wearing the ashes of Rome that is America. You're wasting water having clean undies every day? Why?

So you can sit in that chair and not smell your own balls? You don't see anyone most days. I make people's drinks. I shouldn't be back there just smelling of ball soup yeah but you're wearing a mask while you make them i'm not anymore oh you're maskless wow good for you becker stepping into the 21st century yeah it's important to admit that the war is over yeah in the 90s we were masked up that we lost, and now all these yokels are going to come in maskless. It doesn't matter if I wear one.

Remember Scream, Nathan? People were masked in that, and what did they do? Killed a bunch of teenagers. Terrorized Matthew Lillard. That was a film. That was not a real life kind of a thing. That was not the news. It was a documentary film that came out in 1997

you're thinking of the blair witch project now that was real those those young uh those young people died in the woods and there were cameras and they were eventually found and we were able to to hear their story but scream was from the twisted mind of west craven Wes Craven. Do you like scary movies? I don't, Wes. Stop. What about the Blair Witch Project that really happened? Wes, I told you to quit coming in my room. I know you're dating my mom,

but this is my room, okay? It's homework time. No, I did my homework already. Get out of here. Don't make me make you scream. Now in theaters. Wes, it's 2022. That movie hasn't been in theaters in a long time. And your mom is dead. Let's figure out the timeline. Did you take your pill? Are you having one of your lapses, Wes? Give me my scream

mask. I'm ready to have a little fun. I'll give it to you after you finish your peaches, Wes. I don't like peaches. I like pears. Well, I got a pear and it's two pills right here. It's a pair of pills. You need to eat them so you don't have one of your episodes. I like dry pills. I'm insane.

I thought that maybe we could open up the podcast this week by telling some jokes. Oh, yeah? I don't think there's enough jokes on this podcast. I thought that maybe we could tell a couple jokes that we wrote this week. Oh, well, I didn't write anything this week. So basically, you came up with a joke for the first time in three years, and you're very excited to share it. No, no.

I just thought that it's a comedy podcast the best way to communicate comedy to the listener is the classic formula known as a joke well you'll like this because last night at the bar there was a young woman that was in uh alone and we got to talking she works at sexy pizza and she is 21 and uh while we were talking you know no one's more interesting than a 21 year old girl let me yeah she's nice yeah well be mean right away because uh you know her but she it was nice and eventually you know i started talking about being a comic and she was like can i hear a joke and i was like how quick into the conversation did you drop that you're a comedian not very quick because i didn't want to third set into it no she and she didn't really

care at first i said something about running a show oh i was wearing a freedom road shirt best dispensary in colorado and uh they're paying me for it and uh they had a becker use your microphone what's the matter with you? I'm on it right now. Is it not working? There you go. Okay. Thank you. I don't know.

It sounded weird. No farther or closer. Yeah. It might have been my internet. But yeah, I did not. I was wearing a Freedom Road shirt. I mentioned that they sponsored the monthly show last month that I run at Main Street Live.

And she didn't follow up at all she just you know she's too busy looking at her tamagotchi and so she's playing pokemon go she's so self-centered she's like you tell her something interesting and she's like i've been to venice but yeah eventually she said can i hear a joke i said i will tell you a couple of jokes that I just told to other young people and they did not go over well. And it was the stranger joke and the mind so called comp and I went over to she didn't know camu which was fine. And then she also didn't know my so called life. And she didn't know who Hitler was, which was the most concerned now she knew about Hitler, but i thought maybe she knew my so-called life i thought you wanted her to know because

you felt a connection with her and this was your test yes no i cannot possibly feel a connection to a 21 year old we are worlds apart you told a 21 year old girl at the bar that you were alone with as you were probably flexing in your sleeveless shirt that you're wearing right now. You were like, hey, here's a joke about a dramedy that was on in 1996 on television. And you were surprised that it bombed. I wasn't surprised. I thought maybe she would know about that one. And maybe she read The Stranger.

People read The Stranger. They don't as much. Kids don't read shit anymore all they read is different manifestos posted by spree killers that's the number one thing that people read anymore she's she was in there writing uh her memoir and i was like 21 and writing a memoir you must have lived a life already and she was like yeah it's been a bad life and i was like damn i want to read that memoir she was in a cage she was again she was like in a trunk for a while it sounds like she was elia roger girl version who's that well elliot roger was a uh some people say yeah i say in san bernardino san bernardino

saying san bernardino san bernardino is that where he was frank zappa he really uh zapped all those girls who wouldn't blow him kisses back the strain well let me tell the stranger joke because it's a good joke okay i almost i almost killed a man at the squire because he only listened to the first part and then started shit talking me acting like i was trying to steal valor about the the the regular stranger you know well you did have a string of jokes where you would tell the punch line of an old joke we'd all heard and then you had tags for it yeah that was the tom jones one god i could have told that last night to uh my 21 year old friend and really struck out oh for three with yeah she would have it's always good when they have to do a bunch of googling to who my 21-year-old friend and really struck out 0 for 3.

Yeah, it's always good when they have to do a bunch of Googling to get the punchline. Yeah, The Stranger. I invented a sex move. It's called The Stranger. It's where you sit on your hand until it goes numb, and then you shoot an Arab in French Algiers in the 30s. And, you know, she's like, yeah, just looking at me.

I was like like god damn it and then uh but yeah and i told that joke at the ben bryant show at the underground after he go how'd it go it sucked nobody liked it i was like oh nobody nobody reads camu huh anybody got a camuto they didn't like that either there was a bunch of young there's a bunch of youth there lund trying to connect with young people should be its own television show i'd watch i would i would like and subscribe to talks to teens it's just like so uh what's up uh i don't want to be here you don't want to be here. You don't want to be here either. I don't like you.

You don't like me. I'm a new dad. Yeah. New dad. Look, I'm in love with your mom and you come along with the deal. And that doesn't mean that we have to be best friends. You don't have to listen to me. You don't have to call me dad.

I'm not going to call you son. But we got to get along somehow we got to occupy the same space in this condo so let's uh figure it out well i think that um i mean that is a good joke and i i like that you keep telling it even though people never laughed at it even Even though people almost hate it. But yeah, at the Squire. At least you feel smart when you say it. The drunk dude.

Well, yeah, that's what it's all about. Getting one over on the crowd. Letting them know. I went to college. I graduated. You went to college for a semester and a half and then decided it wasn't for you. You wanted to go a different path. And guess what?

You got two grand from your parents. You had two grand saved up from being a lifeguard. And you went to the Czech Republic for a while. And you found out that they like to smoke cigarettes and they like to do speed. And you didn't sleep the whole time you were there. And then you came home and you took the last $300 you had and you bought a new commodity back in 2012, a little thing called Bitcoin.

You forgot all about it and you had it in a hardware wallet that you lost when you broke up with your girlfriend and she died. And when her parents called you seven years later to come in and get your stuff out of her apartment, you found that hardware wallet and you said, oh, what's on here? You plugged it in, you did a little digging and oh yeah, 1300 Bitcoin. So now you're a millionaire many times over. But it doesn't matter to me, Nathan Lund, because I read The Stranger and you didn't. So shut up.

That person's better than me. As I tell this very perplexing joke that Sam gets. But he's the smartest man alive. Yeah, my jokes are all for you. My jokes are for this guy named Sam. You would like him. He's also a crypto fascist he's friends with Becker you know Becker from the forums

where he used to use that crypto to buy heroin back in the day he was known as the black snake moans black jake moan black snake moans and he probably came over and taught you how to tie off because he didn't care who he hurt back then just as long as he got a sweet taste of that china white when you woke up he was standing over you with his dick in his hand and he said i'm almost done

i'm almost done china won a white she's dead let the woman rest she's passed on she's giving pedigrees in hell nathan gordy's fucking china and how and hell all right what's your joke let's hear your new joke mine are old as hell dated and getting older well mine's not even a joke it's just uh a racist impression of an asian why do you why do you keep trying to pinpoint me what are you trying because i know put me in a box i'm the only one who knows exactly who you are no you don't no one knows who i am i'm a riddle i know i know i've seen every side of that coin i'm anonymous i am legion i took a break from my day of hacking the ukrainian bank to be here on this podcast all right so how can i tell my joke instead of the guykes mask you wear the scream mask while you act

no I wear a mask of Stewie Griffin from Family Guy and I do the voice the whole time we are legion password yes what's the password Brian is it password

can you believe we've been on the air for 20 years okay here's the so hey let me let me ask this to becker hey becker uh have you heard this lizzo character yes man i just i just heard about her i just saw a picture of her lizzo more like jizzo whenever i see her i jizz in my pants god of course that's what it was you workshopped it via text a couple days ago and then did i send that to you yeah well see it's tough because i always forget when i send stuff because uh i was i was uh i was riding around in my wife's bronco the other day with her and she said to me uh hey you sure are eating a lot of rice i was eating a bunch of rice

you know and then in shotgun and i was like yeah yeah i'm carb loading and she said more like car bloating you fat shit did that happen no did you shoot a stranger in french algiers no i was curious about yours it's not it's fine that it didn't happen i thought maybe i had did you shoot a stranger in French Algiers? No, I was curious about yours. It's not, it's fine that it didn't happen. I thought maybe I had, did that happen?

I like to know that'd be funny if that girl last night that you were trying to woo was like, did that happen? And you're like, yes, I was sentenced to death in Algerian France in 1942. And I, when I was presented with the death penalty, to death in Algerian France in 1942. And when I was presented with the death penalty, I realized that it was just a series of choices

that brought me there, and none were more important than the next. So that's why I'm okay with cheating on my wife with you, because I have to assign meaning to this void that we live in, lest I give in to nihilism. So let's make the existential choice to bang on the bar right now i'm gonna call becker becker come over here becker produce this hey becker can you do a ad read right now well i said i said produce this and i grabbed my crotch yeah and he said now that's content speaking content i went and saw the new louis ck movie the other day with alex creasy

and the one and only duddy uh what do you mean so i call my dad duddy no you went to the theater and saw his stand-up or what? No, no, there's a new movie written by Joe List, who's a comedian in New York. And it stars Joe List, and it's directed by Louis C.K. And I saw this film, and I got to say, if it weren't for Louis' attachment, I bet this thing would have done all the festivals.

I bet it would be nominated for all the awards. It was a good piece of film. was very impactful and london i think you would like it as a sober person because it's all about sobriety and reckoning your new lifestyle with those around you who choose to partake in booze or alcohol whatever you call it in boo brian bring forth the cognac baptize the baby i'm the baby i want to be brown and wet that's a lot of just stewie talk is uh is being brown and wet but yeah uh i'm just i wanted to say fourth of july was good becker have you heard about this film i have and your thoughts i have not seen it i don't know and that was becker's movie minute um now moving on to the next part of the show.

Nathan, I heard that you had some breaking news about the neighborhood. Maybe there's a new dog who moved in down the block? I don't know what you're talking about. There's been a lot of bears in town, but I have not crossed paths with one just yet. Pride Fest comes to Trinidad. A influx of bears have taken to the streets, leading this citizen to wonder, are they going to fuck me?

No, I'm talking about actual ass out Winnie the Pooh in real life bears. Ursine predators? They wear a t-shirt and no bottoms and it's very offensive to the children. They wear a t-shirt and no bottoms and it's very offensive to the children. They wear a t-shirt that says Ruckus Dukakis. These bears are trying to mobilize a vote

in small town Colorado. Ruckus Dukakis, 88. These bears want you to vote for the former mayor of Cleveland. But do they know all the secrets that you do? Find out tonight on Trinidad's and Trinidon'ts. Was Jerry Springer the mayor of, not Cleveland, right?

Cincinnati. Cincinnati. That's right. Cincinnati since my mama had me. That's what Jerry Springer claims. But really, our investigators found out he was born in Meade, Ohio, 40 miles away. This investigator wants to know, Jerry, if you're lying about being from the Natty, what else are you lying about? Find out on tonight's episode of Spring Forward Into Truth.

Good stuff. Oh, wow. On the streets. good stuff oh wow on the street well let's uh let's call it a wrap on this one we had a good run that was 20 minutes we only got 40 more you can do it yeah no let's uh look i do want to apologize to listeners of Patreon from this week. I was fired up. You know, I'm prone to have bouts of mania, just like your furry friend Nathan Lund. And I also, and I never told anyone this, deal with a staggering opioid dependency,

much like our pubeless friend Jake Becker. Oh, I got pubes. Okay, another one of your lies, much like the fact that you aren't selling heroin via the mail anymore but i do want to apologize to our listeners if i came off cross a bit terse i'm just a man all right a man just like you or if you're a female i'm girl too. I'm a man and a woman. I'm everything at once. I have both genitals. And at night, I tuck my penis into my vagina.

And I create an Ouroboros of lust and satisfaction. I'm a snake eating my own tail until my tail comes in my mouth. That's what I am. I'm an intersex gentleman, gentle person. And I just want to let you know that everything that you feel I feel as well because I'm a big psychic sponge and I soak up your trauma and I put it into my next novel

Soaking Up the Trauma a Sam Talent mystery it stars a guy named Nathan Becker who's foreseen but also pubeless he deals with food addiction and a heroin problem. That's how fat I am every page.

And of course, if you've forgotten, sweet reader, this dude was fat as hell. Chapter three. It opens in parentheses. Remember, this guy's fat. End parentheses. He climbed the stairs. it took him an hour yeah the stairs were soaked

not in as much sweat as gravy because he was eating poutine the whole time he knocked on the door he said hey is anyone in there it's me the big fat guy his sweaty hands could barely open the doorknob It's me, the big fat guy. His sweaty hands could barely open the doorknob. They were so slaked in grease and gravy.

The children screamed, oh no, it's fatty fat fat. The children screamed because they thought he was there to eat them. It's me,athan becker private eye do you have anything to eat in the house ma'am i just lost my husband well did you go to the store in the last week maybe you'll find him there if you have anything in the freezer it would still be fine even if you got it a month ago. She fanned herself, a coquettish smile breaking across her porcelain face. Are you the one they call Nathan Becker? That's right, Mama.

I'm the guy you've been looking for. She looked up, saw his face, puked all over her tits. He burped and farted at the same time. Sploosh, he said, looking at her bangers. I just jizzed my diaper. Chapter six. Prelude. Author's note.

Remember the guy from the first five chapters he's back and he's still a giant sweaty wad the chancellor pointed the gun at nathan becker fat guy he said did you eat all my cakes Nathan froze he'd been found out this time the jig was up there's only one way out of this he thought and he took off his shirt held it over his head and said does this shirt make me look fat

the chancellor couldn't take it he was laughing so hard held it over his head and said, does this shirt make me look fat? The chancellor couldn't take it. He was laughing so hard, looking at the pubeless fat body of the man standing in front of him. He looked like if someone ripped the shell off of an armadillo. Chapter 69. Nice.

Chapter 7. chapter 69 nice chapter oh there's a fun bit i could do this for hours i'm high that makes me think of how kevin didn't like his portrayal of himself in the book and it's like what did you have to argue with you can call you fat and five different adjectives well he was pissed that i didn't render his character as fully as i did yours yeah you could smell your character in the pages of my book yeah it smelled like someone sat in a pizza he was just the other guy yeah it was still cool to be in that book, though, is what I thought. That's what I thought, too.

I thought everyone would be like, hey, Sam, thanks. It was crazy. I remember when I sent Kevin the book ahead of time, and he read it immediately and said, this is great. And I thought that maybe you would respond in the same way. But no, you didn't. I did. No, no. You didn't read the book until... i don't even know if you read the

book now this is nuts how's it end uh there's a big fire and uh bobby joe runs in even though the firemen say don't do it bobby joe it's too hot he says my kid's in there god damn it and he uh has a cigarette in his mouth and they're like that will make it way worse you'll almost certainly explode if you go in there with a lit stogie and he says you gotta go sometime and then the fireman uh tips his cap to bobby joe bobby joe goes in there into the flames and immediately catches on fire and starts to choke from smoke inhalation. He crawls and he finds his son. His son is dead.

And he says, must be Wednesday. And then he crawls out and he finishes the smoke. And the firemen are trying to put him out. And he's like, take your time, fellas. I got nowhere else to be there's a lot of one-liners and badass tough guy shit you know that's oh yeah i'm sorry i i didn't mean to put you on the spot i didn't realize you read the book yeah uh in your face i told you now becker can you prove to us on camera that you do in fact have pubes

i mean i guess whoa becker what's the matter with whoa whoa fuck cool that was not what i wanted you dude save it for youtube you asked for it literally sam you just thought i wasn't gonna do it i don't. I don't know what's going on with it. I'm sorry. I didn't think you were going to debase yourself for me and Lund's enjoyment. Yeah. I mean, nobody sees these videos but me. Now, Lund, what's the latest with you? What's going on in the big, wide world of Lund's big, fat head?

God, Megan agreed to watch now tell the folks megan is my uh life partner okay yeah your wife megan and she agreed to watch you do what she agreed to watch our gleelo neighbors kids and it was a nightmare fuck and i'll tell you what sam uh you better kiss emily's feet every day for deciding not to drag you into parenthood because it's uh ridiculous there's it's too much it's not worth it they talk about some drug that's released in your brain that makes you fall in love and it's like oxytocin i don't know about that i don't think uh i don't think that always hits every day but what does hit is your two-year-old hits you in the dick and says i want more juice the dogs were terrified dogs were terrified i was under the bed with them and i actually i i bit

megan's hand she tried to she tried to drag me out from under the bed and i bit her and it was it was out of fear you know you should have you should have called fucking becker over to entertain the kids you could have been like hey everyone surfs up it's me the fifth turtle bako He could have been like, hey, everyone surfs up. It's me, the fifth turtle, Baco. Baco? You guys want to play with some throwing stars? Baco's the bad neighbor who likes to let kids have fun.

Hey, kids, Baco's back. He's got a whole party sub. Watch me eat it. Yeah, he doesn't share it. Baco doesn't share, but you should if you're a good kid. Hey, by the way, has Nathan ever touched you in your no-no square? He hasn't? Well, you should tell your mom that he has.

That'd be a cool prank, says Bako. I'll bet she would still let Megan watch those kids because you need a break now and then. And, you know, her mom hasn't been around. Her mom, I think, might have accidentally put herself into the oven and then put the pizza in front of the TV. Mom, I know where your mom's been. She's been with Baco, getting her Baco blown out by Baco's boner. Baco likes to shell smash all over mommy's hole. And if you want to see video of it, you can join Baco's OnlyFans.

Do you want to see how Baco smokes cigarettes without using his hands? Well, batter up, because Baco's lighting a butt. Mr. Becker, why are you wearing that outfit? This isn't an outfit. This is how I look all the time. I'm half man, half turtle. All cowabunga. Why are you in my room?

Why are you and Wes Craven in our room right now? Well, me and Wes got something to tell you. We're having a bako knoll all over your mom's mouth stay tuned y'all do you like pornographic movies answer wes's question don't leave him hanging he's a legend uh hey wes you're a ledge and i'm gonna jump off of one if your mom won't give up her sweet net and pie kids i'm gonna finger your mom wearing freddy krueger's gloves bako the ninja turtles are named after classic Renaissance painters.

And I'm Baco, and I'm here too. Well, yeah. If Becker was to name his own Ninja Turtles character, he's too stupid to know that they're actually named after Renaissance painters. He thought that the painters were named after the turtles. So, yeah. Hey, kids, kids. I got a PSA for you. If you ever find any copper wire,

let Baco know. He's sleeping in his van. It doesn't run. He sold the catalytic converter out of it so he could buy more pills. Yeah, dude. They're all cats. Baco's having a tough time distinguishing reality from falsity

I think I lucked out getting the car I got because it seems like around here people get their catalytic converters took Denver and here I see posts a lot about people getting that the shit taken and my my shit is close to the ground it's very low and so i don't think anybody can

squeeze under there even a little even a little sewer rat bako wouldn't know anything about that i was out of town i was visiting my daughter in raton feel free to join in on the bit anytime guys well it's hard to know when you're gonna shut the hell up throw bako a fucking bone yeah it's hard to tell if you're pausing because of the staccato Baco talks at or if you're pausing to let someone in Baco's got a brand new dance

and it goes a little something like this one two three Baco Baco Baco Baco Baco Baco all around jump up and down if you got them because baco's got a brand new sound

did uh did you and emily record yet No, we have not recorded yet. Oh, letting the questions stack up. Yeah, the questions are stacking up. We will be recording it this weekend. Emily has had just numerous responsibilities outside the house, and I've been busy working on the Baco voice. Coming up with Lizzo more like Jizzo. Yeah, now I can write off this appearance on the pod i had another great joke too and i can't remember it uh madonna more like my bow wow

because every time i see her i jizz my drone um shit what else was there? Waco. Waka-flaco. I like the mix of... Choco-taco. I like the mix of questions for Emily. It goes back and forth between real, like, medical concerns or questions, inquiries, and then just like, what's the biggest dick you've ever seen oh yeah it's a lot of like how do i know if my butthole is gross i also want to know if this guy's butthole is gross i third the buckhole the butthole inquest i also have a gross butthole

bako doesn't have a hole he has one that he poops and pisses and comes out of he's got a i saw a lot of uh there were several questions about itchy nuts and smelly nuts and uh i can i i'll tune in because not not because of the smell as much but the itchiness my god and i'm doing new undies every day but i still have to like itch them until i think that they're going to come off i haven't touched my testicles since 1994. why would you i don't like it i don't like having to dig them out and put them into the sack yeah they're always buried up inside of me and i gotta scare him out of there i go hey wes craven's here and they fucking go running wes is back your balls are called drew and barrymore drew and nev yeah they're buried more than they aren't tell you that right now oh that was the third joke i wrote yeah

so um drew barrymore she's been in the news recently it's like more like my mom's been buried more she's dead Baco killed her everyone said it everyone thought that it was a massive heart attack but no Baco did it old school

style was it a heart attack Baco did it. Old school style. Was it a heart attack? Your dog got sick so quick. Why? Because Baco fed him his brand new pet snacks. Not FDA approved. Baco's the beginning and Baco's the end. He's the alpha and omega.

Baca comes from a time before clocks. I forgot. It's not Baca. It's Baco. Baco. Yeah, you started saying, man, Baca. He's back. He never went away. He's better than than ever bako lives inside of us all in the deep

parts you don't want to examine bako is the light because without him there is no darkness bako now we gotta somebody's gotta draw bako he's gotta look like the old ninja turtles cartoon not the movies they're too tall in the in the in the newer movies right yeah their heads are too flat they're all six foot two or whatever and it's like no they were small they were they were teenager or they were young turtles they're not gonna turn into fucking giant kick-ass surfers wait the turtles were little yeah they're even littler in the books the first movie was like as small as they could get them with guys in suits oh they should have been even smaller what are you talking about so like they would fight the foot clan who were

full-grown teenage boys yeah and they were like 15 year old turtle boys and they're you know like between five one and five four i think in canada that's huge for a turtle yeah i mean as far as turtles go when i think of bako i think six foot ten no i come 40 pounds bako's huge the fifth turtle was going to be called Kirby. Named after? Jack Kirby. No, stupid. Named after the Game Boy character.

No. And he was going to be pink, and he was going to swallow everything that came his way. They should have named Kirby Nathan Lund. Chapter 71. Lund was so fat that people thought that he was Kirby from the Game Boy game. These are all the sketches of Kirby. God, they were like right next to you.

Yeah, you just have those ready to go. What did Kirby look like? Let me guess. A turtle? Yeah. Oh, nice. A big old head and a Jay Leno chin and all kinds of different designs. Bruce Campbell chin.

Hey, it's me, Kirby. You, uh... Looks like you tried to shoplift from the mall, huh? I saw this. I heard about this. Looks like maybe you want a couple of feet to the face, huh? Hey, Master Splinter, it's me, Kirby.

Have you heard of this Lizzo character? You know, I just saw a picture of her. More like Jizzo, because I splooshed in my shell. There's a bunch of cum in my shell, Master Splinter. More like Master Bader. I know what you do. I know what you do when you have

that robe on. Why do you wear a robe, Splinter, you perv? Yeah. I'm an autistic girl from Australia, see? She was just doing an impression of Jay Leno the whole time. Yeah, yeah. So, uh, Kelvin,

you seen this? You heard about this? It's on the Switch, see? They just put out a new Ninja Turtles game. I gotta play as Bako. Dibs on Bako. You can be Kirby. Dibs on Bako. Bako uses a gun. Everyone wants to be Bako in the new game

because he just has an AR. It's painted red, white, and blue. These colors don't run, but you will. You just go onto a new screen and a bunch of bad guys come on and then the guy as Bako just shoots them all. And then you wait around until the new guys load oh Bako

reigns Bako's sick Bako might be the best character we've ever come up with and it's just Becker trying to impress Lunn's neighbor's kids yeah it came out of nowhere whoa if you're a turtle what are you mr a pig you're like no i'm nathan i live over here i'm not wearing a costume you're not but look at you i just woke up you're

all hairy and fat but it's 2 p.m yeah Yeah, well, I worked late. You know what working is? You will soon. Baco doesn't have a job. He just cashes checks that get mailed to his grandma every month. She died, but the government doesn't know that. Baco will never tell her. Baco puts on a wig and goes down to the bank.

Sir, are you a turtle? No, I'm Grandma Baco puts on a wig and goes down to the bank. Sir, are you a turtle? No, I'm Grandma Baco. My grandson's a turtle. Anyway, can I have the money from my husband's settlement? That's a lot of the people down here. They're turtles fixing is their grandmother who's going to the bank trying to commit fraud yeah there's a lot of bacos down here it's mostly bacos and guigos yeah some jeremy's there's some jeremy's jeremy's

i saw jeremy the other day at Sophie's house no way he still lives there no way what I didn't say I saw him at the art museum I saw Jeremy at the mosque yeah right Baco's there planting a bomb

uh fucking jeremy i'm surprised that uh he remembers to eat every day yeah i'm surprised that a big bird hasn't carried him away dude i was his prostitute girlfriend oh my god you saw her on well i mean i at night she would come out of the lair and you know she'd just have like lipstick smeared all over her false teeth and uh she'd be like oh what are you guys doing out here keeping it real holding it down all right and then jeremy would be like rock and roll she tried to fuck jansen cox she was like jeremy's gone why don't you come downstairs with me All right. And then Jeremy would be like, rock and roll. She tried to fuck Jancicoc.

She was like, Jeremy's gone. Why don't you come downstairs with me? He was like, I don't know. That's okay. And she's like, do it. Don't be a pussy. Shove in my meat glove. Baco will do it, ma'am.

I'm here and I'm hard. And my dick is forked because I'm a turtle. Whoa. Turtles have forked dicks? Yeah, what do you think turtle power was? I thought it was them beating up humans. No, turtle power was their forked dicks and they would interlock them. Oh, okay. That is true. I read that comic book.

I remember that one well. Yeah, I thought you knew about this stuff, Becker. My principal showed it to me. He was like, don't tell anybody that I've showed comic book. I remember that one well. Yeah, I thought you knew about this stuff, Becker. My principal showed it to me. He was like, don't tell anybody that I've showed you this. And they had to change it because originally turtle power was like a weird nationalistic thing where they were trying to get rid of all the Foot Clan because they were white.

Yeah. They wanted turtle power. Only turtles. Only turtle ninja freaks. For turtles only turtles only turtle ninja freaks for turtles by turtles and that that like mindset lives on in bako because he's like a separatist turtle he lives in idaho with some other turtles who are like-minded and he's just stockpiling you know pet food um fertilizer that kind of stuff okay all the essentials yeah it reminds

me this joke i used to do of uh of fozzie bear when he uh when he was like talking about um the government raiding a compound he would go uh you remember this waco waco yes no what was it fozzie bear as that your joke or mine oh that was yours of course it was mine yeah because it was dumb as hell yeah waco waco yeah what the fuck that was was it fozzie yeah that's what we were saying dude what the fuck is he doing up there fozzie bear when when he was uh when he was a conspiracy theorist i think yeesh wake up wake up wake up and then you would pause for applause you should have run that by that 21 year old girl never came yeah oh yeah i told her so after uh you know, mine, so-called conf and the stranger whiffed and whiffed again. I told her the,

the joke about the old man and the kid walking in the woods. And I said, Oh, that was my shoot. Cause she said something like, I like dark jokes. I like sexual jokes. And I was like,

Oh, this is my, my favorite. She was laying it on thick on you, dude. She wanted it. I, yeah, I don't think she did, but could you blame her? She was laying it on thick on you, dude. She wanted it. Yeah, I don't think she did.

But could you blame her? I mean, I'm almost 40. I'm gross. How could you not? You're not gross. You have great hair, twinkling eyes, a perfect smile, and the best sense of humor of anyone I know. Well, thank you. I told her that old man and the kid.

She liked that one, but she was like, damn, that is dark. And then I told her the story of you and me at the children's hospital. Sent it to the parking garage attendant to get out of there without our ticket. And it was like the perfect, the worst joke that you could have told a security guard at a children's hospital parking garage he was the only worst joke than that could have been like you want to hear a joke your paycheck let me out of here you bastard i gotta go meet my boyfriend bacco that's what she was doing last night she was like look man uh i don't really want to talk to you i'm just waiting for my boyfriend to get here uh who's your uh boyfriend uh that's lund who's uh who's your

boyfriend and she's like i don't know if you know him he's kind of like a mysterious guy he's new in town and you're like uh i know like everyone who lives here so just fucking tell me i guess and she's like well he's like a turtle um and he like babysits for these kids and he says a little like crazy stuff the nanny turtle yeah do you know who i'm talking about and you're like you mean bako the coolest guy in town bako's coming in yeah hold on let me call Becker I've never seen them in the same place at the same time hey Becker Baco's coming in and you hear Becker like it sounds like he's like taking off like a like a mask over his eyes to just go over his eyes and he's like you know unloading a gun he's like oh he's coming into the bar well uh i'll i'll be

right in and then becker comes in and we're like hey becker bako's on the way and she looks at becker and she like sees him and there's like something about his eyes that she like recognizes but she can't place it and then he's like i gotta go to the bathroom really quick so becker goes to the bathroom and when he goes to the bathroom like two minutes later bako comes in and you're like oh shit bako oh you just missed becker and bako's like becker more like uh not bako they're not similar at all in no way are those similar noises or names anyway i gotta go feed my meter and you're like well it's trinidad so you don't have to feed he's like i'll be right back and then becker comes in like two minutes later out of a different door he's all sweaty he has one glove on it's green

you're like what what is that like turtle s glove and becker's like oh this is from the new uh nintendo power glove um have you guys played the new turtles game you can be bako in there he straps a bomb vest to his chest and walks into a synagogue i i know i haven't played that yet be Becker. Maybe we should play it. Let me go get my DS. I'll be right back. So Becker leaves. And then Bako comes in holding a DS. And you're like, whoa, Bako, you play DS? Becker was just going to get his. Bako's like, fuck.

This is hard. It's like, what? Oh, no. What's hard? I need a Ninja Turtles game. Oh, OK. Cool, Bako. I'll keep at it. You'll probably be able to beat it eventually you got to figure out the patterns and then uh he's like oh shit um i i gotta go to

safeway before it closes and get more turtle food because i'm a turtle i'm not a guy dressed as a turtle and they're like what that's a weird thing to say so he leaves and and becker comes back in and he's he has a gun. It's like, well, that's the same kind of gun that Baco has. And you're like, who's Baco? And then such and so forth. No, keep going. Okay. Damn it.

I just thought of something. And then I lost it because i was listening to your bullshit that was not bullshit that was bako shit i feel like i'm having like a brain tumor and all i can say is bako bako bako it's gonna be your julie yeah it's my mom you're only gonna say bako nobody's gonna know what the hell you're talking about except for me look you have to listen to this old episode of our podcast it came out about five years ago in 2022 since then the tumor took over his speech centers and all he can say is bako and jizzo he can say jizzo he can do the Jizzo joke word for word.

He says it about every 20 minutes. But depending on how he says it, you can tell he's hungry or he's sleepy. You have to laugh or else he'll get very upset. If he tells the joke and you don't laugh, you're going to hear Baco from him.

He's going to go for your eyes. Yeah, Baco. Baco. Yeah hear Baco from him. All right. It's going to go for your eyes. Yeah, Baco. Baco. There, Baco. Oh, no. Oh, man. Well, this weekend, I am going to a wedding in San Diego where I don't know anyone. So that'll be fun.

Yep. Why? in san diego where i don't know anyone so that'll be fun yep why uh emily's friend from her first two years of med school sweet gabby very nice party animal also a very talented doctor she's getting married in san diego so i know the bride but that's the only member of the family i know besides her father who uh owns some strip clubs in a certain i don't want to give it away let's just say city of sin um and it's a traditional iraqi wedding so i have to wear a white like robe and a traditional checkered head garb oh hell yeah yeah so imagine how problematic i'm going to be are those going to be provided or do

you have to get them off amazon or what i fly into san diego tomorrow and i have to drive an hour and a half inland to go to an iraqi clothing store damn that's hilarious it's not hilarious it's a way of life and a long story cultural tradition nathan of course i'm not talking about their garb or their traditions i'm talking about you having to go get you have to go to the big and the big and tall iraqi store there's a normal there's a normal iraqi clothing store in town but you have to go an hour and a half away to where they hide the fat Iraqis. There is a place that makes boat covers, and they also sell clothing in my size. So I'm going out there.

But yeah. You're going to have the traditional head covering and then a cowboy hat on top. They're going to be like, that's not really what we were hoping for. Look, brothers, we're all bound by one commodity, and that's the sweet, sweet oil that comes out of the earth's veins. So let's just merge on this.

Listen, I have been wearing a cowboy hat for the last year and a half. It is near and dear to me. It is not a centuries-old tradition for me and mine, but I have grown quite fond of rocking this kick-ass hat to weddings and funerals alike it was the wedding he went to in san diego where we first noticed that the tumor was uh taking hold i remember the speech he made um where it was something along the lines of well let's just play it back for you uh you know i just want to say thank you to uh to gabby and all the aldebas for having us here at this beautiful uh uh party this is just a celebration

of love and life bako and uh when i saw when i saw gabby standing up there uh wearing her dress i just thought is there a more bako beautiful bride in the world um and this reminds me of a quote by uh by a poet uh and his his name was what was was it bako anyway ladies and gentlemen raise your toasts and uh say it with me now bako bako bako bako bako i mean i mean what's what's happening to me why can't i talk any bako more i'm at a table alone by by the way uh because emily is a bridesmaid so i have to sit at the fucking loser leftover table with all the other turds in their novelty size robes. Just fucking talking with them. You're going to be

outside of the tent. I'm going to be the tent. They're going to be gathered underneath my robe. Just making fun of your dick and pubes. Oh man, look up there. It's a quarter moon tonight, fellas. Yeah, no. I don't know. I don't't want to go i want to get out of it i feel like i could call the cops and they would show

up and just see who was there and they would probably shut it down yeah but you'd already be there yeah but i'm gonna go swimming in my robe i've only wanted to go swimming wearing uh 35 pounds of linen i can't wait to see the pictures of you i'm not posting yeah we'll show us right emily i will not emily's gonna take care of it no she will not yes she will blackmail you what would we do with them i don't want anyone to see what I'm up to when I'm just honoring a long story, beautiful tradition. You're the only puppet master in this group. We wouldn't do anything to you.

I'm the only what? I'm posting. I'm not a puppet master. Baco, Baco. I'm going to get Emily getting a picture of you struggling to get your shit on so that you're both naked and wearing that shit. Well, Emily's going to look hot as hell.

She's wearing a strapless gown. I had to fucking have a bra made for her that doesn't have any straps. I had to go to Tesla and have them put their scientists on it so she could hold up her heavy hangers. She's going to take it off and I'm going to say, Baco. Oh, man. Bingo, Baco. It's so funny to think of Becker

talking to children wearing like a very poorly put together costume. Listen, kids, when you go to an open mic, you're not supposed to play covers unless the venue says it's cool. Listen, kids, if you're going to eat 12 things from Taco Bell,

just get the Crave box. You'll save money and time. Baco out. When you said Baco out, you didn't go anywhere. You just shut your eyes. You're still standing here. They can't see you if you can't see them. Bako doesn't get it.

Bako doesn't have object permanence. Bako's actually an infant turtle. Oh, man. Infant mutant ninja turtles. name is bako becker takes all the money he has and he has a terrible suit made so that he can entertain the kids when you're babysitting them oh i don't think i don't god i hope that that's not a regular thing megan is being very sweet and but we're ruining it well i literally said i have to do a fucking podcast before uh we got rid of the kids like a little baby i have to i have to i have to talk to my friends i have to listen to sam say bako for an hour

i have to fake laugh for 45 minutes get these kids out of here you were fake laughing no that was oh my god i was trying to be funny that hurt me yeah yeah i'll bet i'm hurt now no this has been great this has been fun uh another great fucking high-powered episode i have to go to work in an hour who cares because i had a great time with my two friends that I care about very much. When is the wedding? This weekend, you said? The wedding is this weekend in beautiful Southern California. And I'll be there just fucking wrapped up in linen, sweating despite the fact that it's

supposed to fight the heat. Supposed to breathe. Yeah. God damn it. It might actually be all right. You'll be wearing white. So it might be the best thing to breathe yeah god damn it it might actually be all right you'll be wearing white so it might be the best thing to ever happen to me i might come home just wearing traditional iraqi garb maybe i'll get one of those crazy flutes it's like uh-huh you know okay

uh-huh man you really clock out at 501 don't you we hit the hour and you're like did you want me to be the snake or did you want me to do an Iraqi accent I don't know or did you want me to let you bury yourself yeah

if you want to be a part of the revolution that is Chubby Behemoth go ahead and join our fucking Patreon. If each of our listeners signed up to join our Patreon, we would have a world-changing amount of money. Think of all the damage we could do. If each one of you nasty little grublets put five bucks up, I would have a Bako suit made for becker

look that's the move each one of you are a fucking legion of followers all of these listeners please go sign up for our patreon so we can have a real to life bako suit made for becker and then we will have him go entertain children at children's hospital we'll film the whole thing that would be the first thing you would do that would be fucking mental okay so yeah go join the patreon it's on you if you want to see bako live if you want to bring bako live to the children's hospital near you and watch Becker in a fucking real to life replica of the Ninja Turtle costume with a bunch of guns.

If you want to see Becker walk into a children's ER ward, if you want to see him go to a kid's hospice with just a fucking real deal unannounced. Unbooked. Where's the sickest kids at?

Bako's here to spread some joy. Bang, bang, bang, bang. If you want to see Becker dressed as Bako go to the Parkland Memorial and just If you want to see Becker dressed as Baco, go to the Parkland Memorial. Spray and pray is way into your memory. Join up with the Chubby Behemoth Patreon. It's five bucks. Just set it and forget it.

If you want to listen to the episode, you can. Who cares? Some of the best episodes are Patreon episodes for sure. Oh, dude, they're the best. Some of the best ones are the free ones. But I would say it's pretty much 50- 50 as far as like the top 20 episodes i'll bet they're split pretty much uh down the middle between patreon and free so this can be the nice thing that you do for someone this month is just join our patreon listen it's five dollars it's five dollars a fucking month who gives a shit if even uh if it's just no all

of you every one of you fucking do it right now do it right now or i'm gonna come into your houses i'm gonna flick your little peens i'm gonna come to your fucking house i'm gonna flick your peen and i'm gonna say did you even feel that it's so fucking small you couldn't probably feel that could you you bitch and i'll be bako i'll be bako that night uh if you want to see me live sam talent i'll be in basalt colorado at the art center at willits on july 23rd i will be at number 38 in beautiful denver that's a huge venue let's fucking try and pack it number 38 july 28th that's a thursday steamboat springs i'll be at schmiggety's the 29th and 30th come on out it's a real place it's a real place it's not where bako lives layer schmiggeties no it's a real place in steamboat

springs and hey uh this one charleston west virginia the third august 4th charleston west virginia rock city cake company louisville kent Planet of the Tapes, August 5th and 6th. That one's moving units. Let's fucking pack that shit out. Morgantown, West Virginia at 123 Pleasant Street, August 7th. Go to SamTalent.com. I'm coming to all the hot spots where the industry lives. West Virginia, Louisville, Kentucky, Kenai, Alaska, Wasilla, Alaska, Anchorage, Alaska, McCarthy,

Alaska, and Cleveland. So let's pack all these shows out. Bako loves you. Remember, there is only one true God, and he is Bako. Join our fucking Patreon so I don't have to kill Bako.