Chubby Behemoth - TIme’s A Fat Circle

Episode Date: May 18, 2022

Wicked Beats. Topside Or Dockside. Deceased Wads.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

Hey, everyone. Thanks for tuning into this live free episode of Chubby Behemoth featuring me, Sam Talent, and a couple of dickheads. We want to implore you to go over and join our Patreon, patreon.com slash chubbybehemoth. Get on there. There are hours of new episodes you haven't heard before. We are trying to raise enough money to get Lunn's knees replaced. So please go join patreon.com slash Chubby Behemoth. $5 a month gets you all the Eppies you can handle. Thank you. And on with the show.

Hey, everyone. Becker's in a hurry. Places. All right. Hey, okay. Can we fix that light up there? Okay. All right.

Yep. Sound check. Remember. Yeah. Yep. Sound check. Remember, we cut the third song down to two minutes, 20 seconds. It's no longer two and a half minutes. Yeah, yeah. It's verse, chorus, chorus, verse, and then we bring in the brass band. All right? Costume change between act one and two is going to be brutal. But you guys can do it.

I believe in you. God believes in you. I am not wearing that lame. We've gone over this. I don't wear gold lame. All right. I told the wardrobe designer I need textiles that breathe. And that lame is like wearing a fucking trash bag.

And underneath these lights, with all the pills that I'm on, I'm going to collapse. All right. Barbra Streisand didn't need to be able to breathe to bring it every night so I don't want to hear it look Babs that old slut I don't ever want to do a damn thing she did do you want do I want to suck off Sinatra and Tony Bennett at the same time no okay I'm the diva now actually I'm not the diva now. Actually, I'm not the diva because Becker's the one who has to, quote, go to work at his, quote, job to, quote, cover someone's, quote, shift. No, I just have to go deal with computer shit, but it's like a meeting that was scheduled.

So you're Angelina Jolie? Is that what you're saying? You're going to be in there hacking? Yeah, I'm going to be hacking, dude. God. Well, if you're Angelina Jolie, guess what? I'm going to be whacking while you're gonna be in there hacking yeah i'm gonna be hacking dude god well if you're gonna if you're angelina jolie guess what i'm gonna be whacking while you're hacking yeah because i'll be hacking and dumping i caught some wicked beats to that goddamn movie oh man just sitting there dad's in the next room mom's coming home from work guess what it's sam's time to shine get over here

i go across the room grab my dick put it on like all right prepare to spill it angie's on the typewriter who went when uh amy miller was down here she said that now tell the folks at home who amy miller is she's a comic who's more popular than either of us and check the followers bitch no you're coming on strong but uh more than her dog she's on comedy she was on comedy central she's on last comic standing she's great we've known her for a long time she was on tv yeah i'm just i'm explaining you idiot oh stop immediately going into competitive mode i I wrote a book. Shut up. So she said, go ahead. Go ahead.

Maybe if we keep working hard, you can buy some sleeves for that ratty old shirt. But let's hear it. Go ahead. I just wanted to say that she mentioned during the festival that she was friend. God, instantly jealous. You should have been here. She said that she would come home from school and immediately go take a bath to whack it. It was hilarious to just know the mom knew, you know, like our parents knew. I thought I was getting away with stuff.

Our parents knew exactly what we were doing. We were touching ourselves. But we weren't. I like the idea that she came home and was just like, oh, boy, sweaty day at school today, mom. I'll be back in 45. Just go upstairs, run a bath. I'm so stressed. Pre-calc is rough.

Yeah, pre-calc got me pre-coming. So I got to go upstairs and hose off, mom. Just right under everybody. They all had a different technique I dated a girl who would go under like butt up underneath the faucet and then legs up against the shower

wall and then you're just just getting blasted I knew a girl who could only do it on a church pew with a crucifix so Jesus Sam come on sam i'm sorry i just woke up oh you just woke up i'm sorry hey why don't we talk about your best friend amy miller some more all right let's get back to her how did she whack off that you thought was fun

and enchanting she was in the she was in the bath becker what are you laughing at? Huh? You love to watch us crumble. You love to watch the seams come apart in our friendship. Because you know that you're the number one person. When I die, all my stuff goes to Becker. That's what my insurance says. It's in my will. Becker's my only recipient. Good.

I don't want crypto. Yeah, guess what? It's bad. You don't get anything. You don't even get the name to this podcast you're gonna have to do chubby fatty or whatever wad central with london becker just you guys record every week from my grave sam would have had something funny to say right here i just i i lay out for like two-thirds of the episode so that you can get your shit in. Yeah.

Becker fake laughs at things that I would have said. It's like he's still here. We honor his memory with our fake laughter. I have to go to work. Meanwhile he's rich. Becker's so rich at this point he doesn't have to go to work. But he does

anyway. you're borrowing money from becker so you can buy more sleeveless tees so you can pretend to be the rock in the mirror when no one's looking shut up i threw something on so i could let the dogs out well i i'm glad your dogs are alive uh i woke up this morning and gordy i was sure was a corpse and i was like well i'm not gonna get into this right away if he's dead i'm not gonna find out immediately so i'm gonna go downstairs have some coffee no way you put it off i put it off knowing it was schrodinger's dog i was down here for like an hour and then you were like let's pod and i was like. And he said something about letting the dogs out.

And I was like, oh yeah, mine might have passed away. So I was at the bottom of the stairs for like five minutes. Like Gordy, Gordy. Hey, come on down, buddy. No, no, he didn't move. I didn't hear anything. So I went up there, took a long, solemn walk and he was all curled up in the bed. And I was like, when I went to touch him and he twitched and he moved all curled up in the bed and i was like but i went to touch him and he twitched

and he moved and he woke up so thank god but i was i was ready to uh not know when when i i let mama out and i went outside with her and then typically george michael would have been right behind he wasn't and then i called him you know because i i left the door open and i'm looking from outside over the porch into the house and he's not coming i'm like oh my god if he's fucking dead i like i couldn't take it i was fucked you'd be fine i'll be ruined no no this guy's been this guy's this guy's been my best friend for nine years oh you have another new best friend huh oh yeah time to get jealous again michael the dog amy miller from uh mad tv and what i'm third now where's becker slot into this i bet jay gillespie's four becker's five becker's your wife comes in at

six and then old sam t scraping up the dirt knocking on the door hey can lun come out and play shut up bitch that's you talking to me well and actually one of the things i it's funny that you went through the same thing one of the things i thought when he wasn't coming out was oh cool he died at nine and gordy's like 17 god is dead this is fucked so you were jealous i got jealous of i got jealous of you and emily i was like why do they get why do they get time more time with their dog that doesn't have any teeth and george he's ruthless he's toothless he's outside the door begging to come in guess what gordy stay outside you live outside now i'm hoping just like a owl gets confused and thinks that day is night comes and swoops him i want gordy to die a

warrior's death instead of by my own hand because that's where this is going i'm gonna have to take him out that does not sound fun yeah to go to the go to the doctor and say kill my kill my friend please well i would i would get the meds from my veterinarian friend and do it here at the house and it might be the worst thing to ever happen it here at the house and it might be the worst thing to ever happen to me and emily or it might be the greatest thrill we've ever known it might become our new thing you bang you bang as he dies yeah his life force leaves his body and goes into my dick and i just cram it in his mom get over here i don't care if you're dry use some of those tears on that hole oh she's not into it i thought you were both into it

i hope she's into it too i mean maybe that'll be the other thing i'll just adopt like old rescue dogs and you know put them down it's tough to get we've been together 10 years we got to keep it spicy and if the romance comes from us you know euthanasia and dogs i'm with it euthanasia i bet the euthanasia love dogs but that's neither here nor there that's over there my my korean roommate in college told me they only eat two breeds of dog whoa that are like that are like bred for food oh shit i don't i know there's like one that's like he said like medium sized and usually like blackish brown darker dog and then there's like a smaller little white dog what's this dog breed called we call it dessert yeah actually i do kind of remember that being a conversation where he's like well what kind of dog is it he's like

i don't think we've ever given them like cute names yeah no that's important you don't name your food their food yeah that's why i didn't call gordy by his name for the first three years i knew him you keep your distance oh yeah i mean if if george michael had passed away london would be from you rolling over on top of him that's my greatest fear he well no and usually he's at the foot of the bed which is good where it's safe people were really grossed out that you sleep in a bed with dog shit in it all the time what yeah because when i talked about pooping the bed in australia oh yeah well that happens to me like every other day no i said it happened over you said i said it happened once and it sucked and then whoever said that pulled the conversation that emily had with

a pregnant unvaccinated person out of their ass from i mean that was like months ago and they were like it still rocked I guess yeah it's like we have fans and they care about us and they evolve with us no he didn't evolve he kept that's like still in his brain like eating at him like Emily's a bitch he's gonna kill Emily

he's furious her body her choice she doesn't have to get vaccinated raise that kid in the woods please no one kill my wife yeah I know you guys might think that it's like a cool thing to do he just winked

I did not wink he winked he wants it no I do not I love her kill Gordy too do a double so that I can move up to Fort Collins and finally be with the person I'm supposed to be with. Did Amy Miller move here?

God. Well, what? Right out the gate, you were like, hey, talking points for the episode. Pretend that we're doing a musical. Make fun of Becker. And then I got a new friend I want to talk about for 40 minutes. That's what you emailed me. Yeah, we script all of this. we work really for work we work really hard on this on these episodes by the way

australia update people have been asking in the dms oh yeah we left them hanging up i bagged up the sheets put them in a pillowcase and walked out the door like the worst bank heist ever oceans oceans deuce yeah oceans two uh cheeks a poppin yeah it was like great because the oceans 11 you know how they like introduce every character so it was just they introduced me they introduced my left cheek they introduced my right cheek what's what's the target it's my butt jiggling i'm showing all i'm spreading it this is the real mind of the operation but cloney yeah my butt's smoking a cigar you should everyone at con is standing up and clapping i like to imagine that you took the pillowcase and did like a hammer spin and then winged it into the ocean yeah olympic style

yeah yeah went to the beach like somebody somebody's at the dumpster a staff an employee is at the dumpster she's like oh, ooh, pivot. And then you just fast walk to the ocean and just start spinning and then just launch it. Yeah, and after I throw it, someone shoots it with a flaming arrow and it goes up in flames. It's a Viking funeral

situation. A whale comes by and eats it. Those drongos down in Australia donia don't know shit about vikings drongo hold on i gotta let my dog in vamp drink ovaltine it's good for your bones winston's cigarettes are the best win Winston's cigarettes are the best. Winston's cigarettes are preferred by nine out of 10 pregnant women. And all the Flintstones characters.

What happened while I was gone? Lund told another riveting Amy Miller story. I crushed. You, God damn it. You mentioned jacking it when you were younger. I very quickly threw in a comment about my very close friend amy knew us amy knew a lot of us comics when we were total guiglos coming up and uh it's cool to see her again because she could have just uh stopped talking to all of us she knows where the bodies are buried i mean i knew her in san francisco when she was still an oakland comic i knew her first so no big deal it's not a competition everything with you is a competition no it's not

okay i'm definitely more competitive than everyone though so gordy's back in gordy's nice and tan yeah gordy just came in with a pair of like girlsies in his mouth. I don't know what he was up to out there. Sweeping campus. Yes, Gordy. Gordy getting laid. Typical college experience. It's so funny to think of Gordy going to campus with his book bag

and his backwards hat and cool sunglasses. He's on a skateboard and chicks are tossing panties at him. He's wearing JNCOs. So what are you studying? Gordy,

thanks for last night. Just a string of girls doing the walk of shame from our house and then he takes a dark turn he's the co-ed killer but no one thinks it's him because he's a dog and he uses a gun somehow. Blowing the head off of sophomores after he blasts them.

I wish you guys could see him right now. He's looking at me like, I'll never tell. Just imagine Gordy dressed as Steveve bishimi and the hello fellow kids yeah trying to blend in nobody knows he's a dog yeah no one knows they just they just think he's quiet you know he's so mysterious god he's smoldering over he's smoldering over there oh austin thought i don't know if he's so mysterious god he's smoldering over he's smoldering over there lost in thought i don't know if he's a poet or musician or what and really he's just a 16 year old dog with alzheimer's he doesn't know where he is how did i get in these clothes why do i get so much yeah he doesn't know he's a dog he just comes home reeking of gash it's like what the fuck what a good boy that was fun good work becker i was gonna say he uh you're gonna say it i thought of him

in the calendar you know gordy with the gun i think is in the calendar you know what else was uh in the calendar is the picture of you for may since it's your birthday in may is the picture of you as a young boy and uh ron trembath who's over in the middle east in an undisclosed location serving this great country keeping us safe from guigos abroad keeping our yeah well he he uh messaged uh like a week or two ago and was like hey pretty cool to have this hanging up and i just thought he's like with his you know with his fucking unit or whatever and then he's got a little boy picture of a little boy hanging on his wall who the fuck is that with a tough guy shirt it's obviously vintage it's not his kid in any way shape or form

no the kid's older than him now who's this fucking dead kid from the 80s yeah he's over there keeping Palestinians in their place. Meanwhile, on his wall, it's just me as a little boy. It rules.

I mean, it doesn't get much better when it's just the two of us and some of those pictures. Oh, cool. You jerking off to that trim back? Shut up. It's hard out there keeping the strip clean of dogs he calls them dogs he's anti-palestinian ron trim bath

war criminal the butcher of gaza as they call the number one chubby behemoth fan they're gonna find his corpse after he throws a grenade into an orphanage. He's going to be wearing the Chubby Behemoth shirt underneath all this tactical gear. That's the best thing a podcast can hope for is that

one of its fans commits some heinous act of crime and mayhem and when they eventually arrest them, they're wearing official merch from the pod. That's the best you can hope for as a podcaster in America in 2022. Guiguo made me do it. Yeah. His manifesto is full of Guiguo.

He keeps changing the spelling because he doesn't want to upset you or me. I pledge allegiance to the flag of Guiguo. Oh, God. I'm getting fucking hot. Get the hair on, God damn it. Oh, man. Emmy and I went and had tacos with doctors last night, and I ate a whole pint

of ice cream. In front of everybody? Oh power move at someone else's house no we went to uh there's like an outdoor food court area up here um closes like right across the street from the comedy fort pretty much and they go down there on tuesdays to get vato's Tacos, which, hey, if you want three tacos for $28, go to Vato's. What a fucking slamming deal. Is Vato's Tacos run by three pale white girls? Yes. Yeah, it's just a bunch of 19-year-old girls in there, a bunch of Gordy's victims. They have a photo of Gordy going up behind the counter.

It's like, do not serve this cool man, who's definitely a man. Do not fall for his wiles. Yeah. hung up behind the counter. It's like, do not serve this cool man, who's definitely a man, not a dog. Do not fall for his wiles. This is a dog, not a college sophomore. Oh, good. Tina needs off work for the next three months, because she got knocked up by Gordy, the third employee

this month. It's bearing his abomination child. Gordy, let's see your peen, buddy. Oh, it's bearing his abomination child gordy let's see your peen buddy oh it's covered in lipstick he's a good boy but yeah they were all like uh we go there and i always get furious because i spend 30 bucks on three tacos and i'm never full so i was like fuck this you guys enjoy your tacos i'll be right back and they're like oh maybe he's getting chicken and waffles maybe he's getting indian food nope came back salted oreo ice cream sat down at the table people were like can i have a bite of that i've never had it i was like could i have a bite of your taco oh you already ate it no no you can't i'm just munching

it was good they they give you a pint? Yeah, they give you whatever you pay for. What do you mean? Oh, I don't know. It just seems like you couldn't get... I guess most people would take that to go. Yeah, they would. I took it to go to the next table

and sat down and ate it. Took it to the dome. Yeah, and after it was gone, I felt really good for like 20 minutes then i was like emmy we gotta go i was just like slumped at the table i got a dump he's like go outside there was uh there's this cool dude who's married to one of the residents up here his name is wes and he's uh ex-marine and a jujitsu dude. You know, by me describing him that way,

he doesn't sound cool, but he is really cool. He's a great sense of humor. And, uh, no, this is not tiny nips. No,

this is not little nips. That's miles. Shout out miles. He couldn't come last night. Cause his baby had diaper rash. And that's like really the only reason I went was to hang out with miles. And it's like, look,

miles, I'm at Vatos and I got mad diaper rash all right your baby's a pussy i'm fucking chapped up down all right looks like australian licorice from the balls down but here we are nut up god quit fucking indulging your baby just because you got a little chapped hole is when you can't go out with the fellas there was a woman selling another woman a necklace and it was obviously like you know one of those necklaces were like okay now i'm gonna try and move your hands and if you have the necklace on i'm not gonna be able to move your hands but look when i take the necklace off you're weak again this is

like grounding your chakras and all that and wes is just sitting there drinking a beer like this fucking gypsy bitch ripping off another hard-working american what the fuck is this and he's like almost went over there to talk to them until it was like the the lady selling the necklace had a baby and he's like that baby's not even hers she just takes it from one of the ladies down at the caravan park so she can toss it at fucking people and take their purses look at this gypsy bitch and I thought it was funny but everyone else was like really mad at him they're like yes you can't say

gypsy and he's like I'll say whatever I want fought for that right he acts like he was in World War I I was in the trenches yeah I was at Normandy alright I was fucking ankle deep in gypsy blood it was in the trenches yeah i was at normandy all right i was ankle deep in gypsy blood it was the only happy day of my life and then his wife who's a doctor said really loud and i was like whoa it's going down over here

really loud yeah well she was yelling at wes she was like wes stop it you're acting like a retard i was like whoa both of them need to fucking figure their shit out no they're cool shout out wes i think he listens to the pod he rocks it's just really funny to watch a man get mad at a baby and a woman for selling a necklace well that is that is dumb man that was everywhere not that long ago. I think they were usually wristbands. They were supposed to give you strength or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, Brett Favre was selling them, those copper arm sleeves. Yeah.

They were copper, I think. If there was copper in there, the Juggalos would have ripped them off your arm, Favre, and sold them for another gallon of Faygo. You fucking scam artist. Somebody we know was doing that shit was it stokes oh no it was a comic from vegas buffet jackson he was like yeah i'm doing the copper doing the copper bracelet thing okay and he like started talking to me about it and i was like yeah all of this almost sounds plausible except it's not like it's complete horseshit, but you're saying it good. Yeah, he's like, my joints hurt so bad.

And it's like, yeah, you're 600 pounds, Buffet Jackson. How about reasonable breakfast, Jackson? Why don't you try that out? How about a cup of orange juice and a scone, Jackson? Yeah, hell yeah. Wait, you were the one that was getting buffet coupons. Yeah, it was because I was donating blood to save people.

The buffet. Yeah. Jackson. I tried to go by buffet talent for a while, but all the comics that it's been done, you got coupons to hang out with buffet Jackson. You're like, God damn it.

Fine. I got to go to the goddamn dive bar on Monday. Hang out with Buffet. There was a comic in Vegas called Big Doc who was like six foot ten. Yeah, just this giant black guy. And he was so sweet. He would like bake cookies, bring them to open mics. He always asked me, how's your wife, Sam? How's she doing? I know she's working hard over there. I made her these cookies. I know she likes the lavender mint the most. Here you go. I made her six. take these home to that old lady she's a good woman you gotta treat her right just like super sweet and then you go on stage and be like what's up you white bitch i'm gonna pipe your ass i'm gonna pipe your ass right in front of your old

man what you gonna do about it bitch just like intimating rape on stage and like saying that no one could save her including her boyfriend if i wants it like takes it then you get off stage and be like what a beautiful evening into his year in las vegas we're all so lucky to know each other who wants another round from the bar fellas that's great. Yeah, Big Doc. It's so funny that you ended up there where I started. Yep.

Well, time's a fat circle. That's the episode title. I'm sure that's been done. Everything's been done. Everything's been said. Except for Guigiguo guiguo is brand new they can't touch they can't touch that yeah that was a moment of true inspiration when you came up with guiguo they can't take that away from us they can never they can take it out of my cold dead hands what were you going to say?

Oh, well, your wife posted a story yesterday, which was like an ostrich eating someone's bag of food out of their window. Oh, yeah, I watched that. Really adamant ostrich attacking someone's McDonald's bag. And I messaged her and I said, this is Lund when I have one burger left and he ate all of his. Left it on red. Thanks, Creech. That was you at vato's tacos no it wasn't i was eating imy imy creamy

god i can't get over that the fact that i'm probably right that some white bitch started vato's tacos it's fucked up yeah because they're the only ones that would charge that much for tacos a real one wouldn't fucking jack up taco prices like that's a real one hold on a minute a real vato okay whoa a real one you're in trouble no i think that's fine there's nothing about it it's okay oh oh cool well i'm overridden i've been dominated yet again i wasn't trying to override you love it i hate being dominated i dominate yeah you're a sociopathic dominator i've been hitting emily with the dominator every night when she gets home from work boot to the stomach yep pick her up flap her under her belly oh what's the matter I'm still hot I got the air going damn it I'm pissed and I didn't get home from work until like four and then i was hoping

that you would be like oh i have to hold my wife's hand some more and not be able to record but you're like i'm ready i love it and so here we are i might have to go back to bed it was your idea to record no i asked if we were going to record and i did want to because i love uh love doing the pod but i'm doing the pod man this is the most fun we get to have you know it's it was funny to see you at kev kevio bevy's bachelor party and just be like you again but it's nice i'm glad that we're hanging out this weekend next weekend the weekend after that holy shit three weekends in a row full-on hang zone baby wild uh in houston we're staying at nolan ryan's house i don't you didn't you left me on red with that

well yeah um because i thought that was going to be a surprise i don't know who told you oh yeah yeah no uh i got an email confirmation i guess you you cc'd me or something yeah nolan ryan's having us at his house he says uh stay out of the fridge but his wife is all you can eat so that's nice jesus i already has a hot dog becker keeps muting himself and it's my least favorite part of having becker in here i had to get dressed for work what you're wearing the same fucking shirt you just had on i put on pants with pockets so i could like carry my driver's license and shit how loud are your pants do you have to for work what you're wearing the same fucking shirt you just had on i put on pants with pockets so i could like carry my driver's license and shit how loud are your pants do you have to

mute yourself while you slip them on your little baby legs i have three air conditioners going so every room in my house except this one is like a vortex i didn't want it to be in the audio god this podcast money has ruined you you have three air conditioners going on. I'm so jealous. Yeah, Lund's over there dripping. Look at him. Yeah, it's a nice balmy 64 in here. I gotta pop this shirt off. Take your shirt off, Lund. Come on. Notice how he doesn't

mute himself, Becker? He just does it like a man. Look at him. Oh my god. Look at that body. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Meanwhile,

he doesn't show us from the nipple down. Well, he's pregnant with fucking triplets. Sam wants you to dump it. You can't see him. Yeah, there they are. Oh yeah.

Look at that. Don't look. You're going to come. Make them dance. Make them dance for you. God. It's funny. You're going to come. Make them dance. Make them dance for you. It's funny. No matter how fat I am, I always have a little bit of pectoral muscle to jiggle around.

Why don't you do that on stage? Because people couldn't handle it. You should do that. Because I'm married. In Houston this weekend. Pop your shirt off and make those B kept saying i'm not pumping them off i wish you would take your shirt off more on stage that's in the past no that was the best man drunk lawn taking his shirt off at the squire letting him hang saying

it he would blast it on stage all the time not all the time it a mistake. It was a different time. This was the 80s before we knew that it was bad to say it. I'd never heard a white guy say it on stage until Lund. And he was like going for the record. That's also not true. The Squire did weird things to a lot of us. The Squire was a fucking war zone. Yeah, you had to do what you could to survive and also you knew if you were funny at the squire you're gonna get laid and you were gonna get paid yeah uh for sure i also uh i almost got attacked by a black woman who called me a white devil but

it's because i was talking shit about jesus i think I had a joke about the holes in the hands and jerking off with it. You said Jesus was a real B. No, I did not say it that night. And she got, she wanted to kill me. She, her,

her date prevented her from rushing the stage and beating the shit out of me. He was also dying, laughing. He was liking liking me i think i've mentioned this before but uh i was like i would i would feel bad if your boyfriend or husband wasn't fucking cracking up right now and then that made him laugh and she's just trying to like swing at me uh why don't you uh why don't you tell the joke that you did i don't remember i don't remember any of that shit what whatever i was trying to do with it was usually uh i mean it was definitely not referring to black people it was definitely like uh i don't know it was justified i don't remember i don't remember i definitely had a joke that did

not usually involve saying it that would that was something like why can't white people say the n-word we invented it and it was it's like cool we came up with it and then just cut to a bunch of very confused 24 year old hipsters wearing all black leather like watching you on stage the fattest man they've ever seen blasting ends meanwhile i'm in the back getting blown by two chicks meanwhile you were at the bovine fucking yes anding two chicks tits into your mouth no no no no i would go to the squire eventually but yeah it was uh it was a different time and i left that that's that was a different me that was a dumber ignorant version of me more topical not funnier i'm funnier now i got better you never say it now i don't because it's

completely unnecessary it's annoying when comics are like you know up their own ass and acting like what they're doing is like super fucking defensible and like worth a damn you know it's like no nobody cares that was back when you were in your jamiestein phase. It's like, I'm a truth teller. Well, yeah. I mean, there is some of that ego, and you need some to be able to perform or whatever, dominate an audience like you, sociopath style. But, yeah, there was a point a long time ago where it's like,

nobody needs to hear me say most things, so just fucking, I don't know back off settle down well i'm glad you had this revelation yeah thank you yeah no long ago no no finally now at 39 you realize you can't blast it on stage you've been doing comedy 20 years and you're like you know what i might even take a step back and examine myself i've been doing comedy 20 years and you're like you know what i might even take a step back and examine myself i've been blasting it for years now i'm not getting anywhere maybe if i pull the plug on the blast gun yeah anyway those were the dots i going down in the basement at the squire just getting fucked up after hours i started in 2004 that i am it is almost 20 years that's insane yeah dude it's you

this is who you are fuck i could have i could have been a doctor like emily instead no you couldn't be talking to your dumb ass you never could have been a doctor i could have been whatever i wanted no i didn't i didn't get a b let's be. I didn't get a B. Let's be honest. I didn't get a B until eighth grade. Yeah, B cup on your chest. Look at you. I was getting laid. That was a fun bit that Hiker was doing. The bachelor party was just trying to figure out how many people you'd bang.

Oh, yeah. He was acting like I was the conqueror. I was in like three relationships for five years each or whatever well there was a reason because i gave him the startling revelation that you banged a friend of ours wife yeah let's bring that up for the ninth time who cares god hiker was obsessed yeah meanwhile hikers hikers hikers slang and pole he's a confirmed bachelor oh yeah he is confirmed him and gordy have the same stats and has quote unquote paid the rent before yeah he paid the rent for sure yeah he talked about

it on the podcast so i'm not speaking out of turn yeah sam forced him to talk about it on the podcast yeah you don't remember that one we'd go on the road and be like where are we gonna stay and i could be like uh i'll i'll figure it out and then he'd like find some like you know broken down old piece of junk at the bar at 1 45 a.m be like can all my friends stay at your house i'll bang you and she'd be like you got it mister and then that's what we call quote unquote paying the rent we had hiker on the pump yeah remember very early in the basement what noises are you making what hole does that come out of i'm getting phlegm i'm getting phlegmy god which was that top side or dock side god damn i wish maybe we should start going to video podcasts so they can see what we're up to here

no nobody nobody needs to see anything that we're doing i think they would like that they want to see exactly how gross you are how good my hair looks which shirt becker has on yeah they'll finally believe that i'm white no one yeah there's still there's still once in a while i'll get a message of like that's not really you in those photos that's why you haven't posted anything on instagram no you know what if we had a black producer we would flaunt it so egregiously then lund would finally he could be able to say it the producer would be like, yep, all right. So, Becker, Len and I have been talking a lot.

What's the latest with you? We haven't really caught up in a while. Well, I'm getting parts for the Buick and putting it in the shop soon to get all the steering components replaced. This is your 88 Buick LeSabre? 62 Buick LeSabre. 62 Buick LeSabre. 62. That's the year Lum was born.

Okay, that's exciting. Yeah, it's the year I was born. You got us mixed up. Right, that's true. Yeah. Okay. So I'll be driving the truck, and I'm excited for that. Yes, so are we.

Oh, yeah, the truck. Yeah. I forgot about the truck yeah i love my truck i haven't driven it in a while it's been in and out of the shop yeah because you bought two vehicles that are from the civil war era and then you wonder why they don't work uh yeah it's mostly waiting on parts because of the supply chain being wrecked and the last thing they're going back into production with is parts for vehicles that are almost a hundred years old. And well, what have you got a 3d printer? I thought about that. The metal ones are very, very expensive. What if you just did a hard plastic?

It wouldn't work for most of what I'm doing. How do you know that? Because I have a two and a half ton car. Okay. Well, I have a two and a half ton best friend. Yeah. I just don't, I don't think any of the, even like the carbon plastic components would hold up.

Well, what if we printed you a 3d, printed you a plastic girlfriend? So then you didn't need to do all this car stuff to peacock to attract girls it's it's not to attract girls i most girls don't fucking care no yeah they don't they don't they it's the you're attracting 60 year old men really yeah i remember this red i remember fingering in the back of that bed. Me, my daddy. Yeah, the only girl who has said anything to me about my Buick in Trinidad is an elderly Spanish or Italian woman who at Safeway yelled at me that she got pregnant in one of those. Whoa. Okay.

From like across the parking lot. She goes, is that a Sabre? I said, yeah. She goes, I got a saber? Yeah. She goes, I got pregnant in one of those and just kept walking. Well, she was telling you that she's easy and she's down to clown. That's my favorite interaction I've ever had surrounding a car.

You could have paid the rent. I laughed the whole walk to my car and the whole drive home. That lady was my hero. So are you against us 3D printing you a girlfriend? Yeah. I don't want to fuck a 3d printed girlfriend that's okay like a lot of cleaning every day you could have a different face so one morning it could be creech the next morning it could be some girl you had a high school crush on. Better not be crazy. Yeah, it's not a creature or a girl. Oh, dude.

No girls from high school except the one I'm still hooking up with. What about a high school girl? What about like a hot high school girl now that you have a thing for? It's not illegal. It's not illegal. Yeah, it should be. No, it's totally normal. No case.

Or wait. Just face, no case or wait just face no case it's just her face oh dude uh yesterday there was a post from one of the thrift stores or i don't even know what it is i think it's got a bunch of different shit that they sell but they said oh we got some new stuff in and it included a bunch of playboys including an anna nicole smith issue no way yeah i gotta get down there what are you doing go i forgot i forgot no i will uh go down there though because here i'll do lund becker you so I'm sweaty hey this just in Fat Wad sweaty as hell oh god

so annoying shut up that's not what I do I stretch my neck like you do when you get ready to tell them to shut up too yeah shut up no so Yeah, shut up. No, so we need to get that Playboy and we need to send it to AJ Splendor, who just got out of the hospital.

She'd love that. I didn't know that. That sucks. Yeah, she loves Ann Nicole Smith. I mean, who doesn't? You know, if there was a God, I would be married to her right now. She'd be 68 years old i am gonna you're gonna hate me i've always thought she was pretty gross

gross what are you talking about when she was on e and she was all filled up uh well i don't i didn't see any of the stuff before that really due to my age due to being we're the same age you stupid you were looking at your dad's vintage porn or something where were you seeing where were you it wasn't it what it wasn't vintage it was the real deal it was like slightly used yeah pull your head out of the fucking tailpipe stupid what are you talking about vintage porn there was no playboys floating floating around where i was oh i'm sorry becker you were growing up in your millionaire human hunter you were the son of a human slaver who would go capture

minorities for money and you couldn't find good porno you work fucking 20 hours a week at the goddamn coffee shop you got two vintage cars you couldn't get good porno shut up now i can get good porn you're lung now i think i think my experience was mostly with the e era yes and nicole smith and that was the best because she was attainable at that point it's like i could get her i'm 13 you know she'll be into me yeah i got 40 bucks she she banged a fucking 90 year old maybe she would have gone the other way too and banged a 13 year old yeah she was so out of it that i could have been like anna nicole hi it's me i'm a 51 year old businessman i have a fake mustache on i'm wearing a top hat you want to move into my chalet and it's just my room in my parents house that smells like fucking cum trees oh what's that over there it's not a two liter of surge filled with urine because

i don't want to walk through my sister's room to the bathroom no that's a vintage cider let's not open that yet hey i know what you're into i raided my mom's pill chest here you go have whatever you want eat them out of my belly button like a little baby bird you'd be like oh my god sam you got me crazy now Anna I can't actually get hard yet because I'm 11 years old I'm figuring it out I'm getting there

may I see one of your boobs oh you can see them both little daddy here you go mmm mmm mmm mmm Here you go. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

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Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.. Mmm...... I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. wad would be the greatest victory for guys like us just me wearing my redbird basketball jersey her doesn't know where she is somehow she woke up in elizabeth colorado one of her tits is out and then one of us just keeps making this noise it's both of you i imagine you guys just alternating that was her and then you and then her again yeah that's us on a teeter-totter just vibing yep

just drinking each other in oh dude if i gotta take her to the eighth grade dance i would have been the bell of the ball whoa who's sam's girlfriend i think she goes to a different school no isn't that anna nicole smith from e god damn yeah no i thought that i think that the bigger she got the more voluptuous she got the better she was that was my take on her mean, I don't know about that. You weren't around in 92, but I remember those pictures. I need to get that Playboy. Yeah, go.

You can just look at them on your phone right now. Here, let's all check out Anna Nicole Smith nude. I'll screen share. Yep. No. Here we go. Don't do that. Computer, open file.

Oh, yeah. Look at her. There's no light in her eyes. Oh, yeah. The night's delight went off in georgia i'm trying to find her for the listener at home i've never seen sam's eyes move so intently computer enhanced he's he's angelina jolie now whoa here's a photo of her dead. Oh, bummer. For real? In bed? Yeah. There's vomit all over her mouth.

Oh, damn it. He keeps saying it's bad, but his smile's growing. Put safe search on. You're not supposed to see that. It's not the only thing that's growing. God damn it. I'm trying to find one that'll get Becker noticeably hard. I want to hear it ping when I share the screen

Vamp guys, vamp I just got high enough to go watch a work video You're not watching a work video I don't think Jessica's going to talk us through on like a video chat but i'm just gonna be listening that that you made me think of like a sexual harassment video

yeah the hr department at beauty hey listen guys no grabbing butts yeah becker you should watch that video i've seen the way you look at some of those people who come in down there these are these are customers, not pieces of meat. Yeah, that's murder in my eyes, not lust, Sam. Here, Becker, here's the deal. You can't keep calling the female constituents holes. Yeah, holes isn't really a cool term, man. We're trying to be PC now.

Yeah, you can call them gash. You can call them slam boxes holes is out uh i had murder in my eyes last night man karaoke everybody everybody was thirsty and i wanted to kill everyone and then myself instead of making money so stupid to get annoyed well i didn't have any pouches either i wanted a nicotine. I didn't have any pouches either. I wanted a nicotine pouch. I didn't have any. So I called Becker up, had him come down, bring you a smoke. I was screwed. There were smokes.

I don't really want to. I don't want to light up. I wanted a little pouch in my mouth. Yeah, I also would have run by a gas station to get you pouches. I got a little pouch for your mouth, Becker. There's a smoker friendly two doors down, but I couldn't leave. I don't know. It's fine.

Bunch of thirsty assholes. Yeah. I also have that thing where I get annoyed with customers. And then as soon as they leave, I'm like, well, that is my income. Yeah. I'm literally biting the hand that feeds. Yeah. You're trying.

Somebody's like, I want to give you some money. And I'm like, I just bark at them until they run away you go full randy stubs oh wait i was yeah i try to tuck myself in like and i'm just alone like oh i wish it was busy no it just sucks when people are like can i get this and then i start to make it like i also need this and a water and if you you could do a light ice. God damn it. All right. Here's four drinks.

Be sure to not bring back the empties. You know, they love to do that. Yeah. And I have to go around and get them. Anyway, go gather up the glasses. Well, I can't. I can't because I'm stuck behind the bar making more adios motherfuckers. Yeah, you can't because your feet hurt too bad.

Yeah. Because all the uric acid in your joints. I take pills. Yeah, pills and cherry juice. I've just been doing the pills and I've been good. And I am fucking meeting it up. I'm eating meats. I'm eating meats like it's fucking 96.

Well, hey, this weekend you're meat free, brother, because I'm enjoying plant based meals. Nope. I'm doing meats like it's fucking 96. Well, hey, this weekend you're meat-free, brother, because I'm enjoying plant-based meals. Nope, I'm doing barbecue, baby. No, you're not. I'll allow you one rib. I'm doing brisket. I'm the headliner. I choose what you eat.

You're paying for it. You have no autonomy. Yeah, dude, and I can't go 700 in the hole like we did in Milwaukee. You have no autonomy. Yeah, dude, and I can't go 700 in the hole like we did in Milwaukee. My accountant was like, so what was this? You were at McDonald's three times within a four-hour window? What's going on?

I was like, I think I passed out and one took my card. Yeah. I'm making moons. One meal per day. Well, well it's gonna be a big one it's gonna be it's gonna be a couple pints of ice cream involved and a lot of vados tacos these fucking tacos at vados don't get me started i just hate it i hate spending so much money on bullshit that like dumb white people are like, isn't it the best?

It's so good. It's so authentic to get a pig ear taco with ranch salsa on top of it. Oh my God. I'm really living in old Mexico right now. Avocado crema. Yeah. It's like, you know what?

Look at this photo of Anna Nicole Smith dead. You hungry still? Still hungry? Check out my screensaver. You show it to people in line at photos.com. What about this? People are like, what the fuck is that? There's a picture of my girlfriend.

He's so hungry now this is my first girlfriend she's dead you want a pig ear taco now look at this and nicole smith ate some pig ear tacos look at where she ended up in the ground oh we should 3d print and nicole sm Smith and then we can have a load off wait good old-fashioned load off print three I don't think no I want to share one doll no we do well that way and we'll have we'll have a mechanism inside of the 3d printed and Nicole Smith that can measure the volume of someone's load so do we row shambo for who gets what hole or i go first because i had the idea and she was also my girlfriend for a while no i'll go last i don't care all all weekend for the bachelor party sam would like like puppet master try to make it somebody else's idea to either do a load off or never have i ever like you you would just like say it offhand and

then not like you you didn't say let's do these you'd be like oh you know it'd be fun as if like you wanted to plant the seed we have somebody else uh make it happen the way to do it is you go up to the group in the kitchen and you're like hey everyone in the living room is like saying they want to play never have i ever that'd be what that'd be crazy you know but i mean i don't know and then you go up to the group downstairs and be like so i guess the buzz upstairs is like playing never have i ever lol there's like not a crazy idea i'm hearing i'm hearing never have i ever and then i don't know like a couple people were like, oh, we could have a load off. Shut up about the load off.

People were into the idea. You shat on it. No. Nobody was into it. Nobody wanted that. It was funny for you to bring it up. And then the more you brought it up, it was like, Sam really wants this to happen.

Well, here's the thing. I was inia for nine days without my wife so i would have won that load off yeah okay i could have glued photos of anna nicole smith dead to the wall i could have wheat tasted an entire room of deceased anna nicole smith photos you didn't jack it? No, I don't jack. It's insane. As soon as I'm in a hotel room, I crank the AC, I put on sports, and I jack it.

Wait, what? You heard him. I don't jack it to sports, but like, I don't know. You just said it. Well, those athletes are in tip-top shape. They work really hard on their bodies. Yeah, you're jacking off to that University of Pennsylvania swimmer. Is she dead?

She's trans. What? That was just funny. I'm laughing. Sorry. I know you hate when people laugh at things that you say quit validating me becker says plugs yeah becker you can just say plugs nowadays no no you don't need to write on your jizz it's still better if you guys if it seems like you guys knew what time it was than me telling you have we been in here for an hour i know what time it is we've been in here for 57 minutes oh my god the time flies when you're

talking about deceased wads well we already mentioned houston this weekend awesome i think this is photoshop though. Her dead? Yeah. Like, because she doesn't... She looks like... I don't know. Are you going to screen share it or not? You disabled screen sharing, Becker.

Oh, no. I thought I had it. It's on. No, it's not. Host disabled screen sharing. There you go. Okay. It's default now with the new settings.

Prepare to be very upset, everybody. Here we go. I'm about to go to work with this in my brain. Oh, God. Jesus, fuck. Whoa, why would she be propped up like that? Because the coroner

just, they just rock, paper, scissors. The coroner and the sheriff. What website is that? XSexPics.com XSexPics.com Out of all the ones that I would connect to, that would be the last one. Yeah, there's one. There's one.

Good stuff. God, Becker, you idiot. You didn't think that she was hot? Come on. This isn't what was getting shown around. Let's see what this pulls up. Whoa, cool. Wow.

I googled erotic swastika. I didn get any cool results it's just hot chicks pretty fun yeah what yeah it's whoa what the ew this is the worst algorithm i've ever got myself into all right what else do you want to plug let's get out of here let's plug uh i gotta stop sharing there we go yeah you're gonna yeah you're gonna reveal some secrets yeah some hot secrets about who i used to date when i was 11 here's the deal guys i'm sam talent and i am doing a bunch of shows all over this great country and i've decided to uh bring bring the prettiest pig I know to open for me. And that's Lund. Will Becker be there?

No. Is Becker invited? Also, no. I can't afford to pay for, I have to buy two seats on the airplane for Lund. One for me. I keep seeing if I can put him in the bottom of the plane with the rest of the dogs, but no, because I guess his pheromones make them too, quote, horny.

So we are coming to the Riot at Rudyard's, the Riot Comedy Club at Rudyard's in beautiful Houston, Texas, this weekend, May 20th. And that's right. You guessed it. 21st. Come out to that. Make sure you bring as many hard-boiled eggs as you can to see if we can break the record with Lund. Shells on for five, shells off for three.

He'll eat them if you greet him. So come on out to that. We had a late show Saturday because tickets are flying. After that, I am at the Creek in the Cave in Austin, Texas, the 27th and 28th. Lund will be there, and he will be completely shaved bald from head to toe. Hopefully.

I really want to do that. Will Becker be at this show? Of course not. He doesn't like me. The 29th and 30th, I am at the Rogue Island Comedy Festival in Newport, Rhode Island. Come out to that. I'm headlining those shows. And then, Lund, where are we going to be?

We're going to be at Helium, St. Louis, the 3rd and 4th. Come on out to those, you dirty, sweat-soaked pigs. Yeah, come meet Stokes. Yes, come meet Stokes. And then the 10th, I'm at the lincoln lodge in chicago 10th of june buy tickets to that trying to add a second show 10th of june lincoln lodge buy those fucking tickies you chicago hickeys the 11th davison michigan turns out it's nowhere near detroit it's actually near flint michigan so that'll be great and then we got the rapid city

comedy festival the 16th and 17th of june 22nd of june no 17th and 18th i'm up there the 16th and 17th no one cares where you are the 18th it's not the 16th don't go there's no festival on the 16th there's shows that i'm doing also yeah but come to my show instead at uh hay house brewery the 17th. Don't see Lunn. Don't support him. 22nd of June, I'm at Helium, Portland. Buy tickets to that. Lunn's not coming because he doesn't care. I think Kanae's doing a drop-in. Then I'm at Salem, the 23rd of June,

at the Infinity Room on the 24th and 25th. I am at the Savage Henry Comedy Castle up there in Humboldt County, Arcata. My Duddy's coming. Duddy's going to be at those shows. So if you've got a hot mom that you're trying to pawn off on a guy who's looking to mingle, bring her up there, and my Duddy will cram your mother live on stage

at the Savage Henry Comedy Club in Arcata, California. More dates are coming. I keep pumping them out. You keep grumping them in. Denver, June 24th, I'll do Lucha Libre and Laughs Without You, and that'll be a fun time. That'll be a good show. I've had to miss the last couple.

That's at the Oriental Theater. Fozzy just played there, which is hilarious. Yeah, so did Eve Six. Oh, yeah, and Jake flores at the at the oh the internet presents eve six and jake flores brought to you by doritos 3d and crystal pepsi featuring balls guarana the can i has cheeseburger cat uh i the kid who said something about liking turtles oh yeah we i still have uh stickers thank you to the people that have ordered them there's three of them it's the two cartoon guys that uh ran barnaclo made and then a picture you can't say

it's barnaclo ran barnaclo made the two i call them be't say it's barnaclo ran barnaclo made the two i call them beavis and butthead because one of them kind of looks like beavis the other one by default is butthead but uh yeah hit me up if you want uh those stickers they're cool uh you can slap them on your skateboard as you as you ride through campus trying to get laid and it won't help at all but people be like what's that and then hey you're talking to a lady there you go you're almost there yeah just like gordy the pussy ripping dog gordy the whole fill-in poodle