Chubby Behemoth - Tode Posting

Episode Date: September 25, 2021

Do A Lap. My First Puppetmaster. Said It And Forget It.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

i almost went shirtless i'm shirtless man i'm going shirtless yeah take it off let's go full flair this will be uh instead of the plane ride from hell the podcast from hell that's that's so funny i was gonna pop it off because i'm hot yeah it's hot here and uh becker let's take that shirt off, pal. Take all seven of your layers off, buddy. I'm already no shirt. I was getting in the shower. Oh, yeah. Go get in the shower.

No. Scrub your nuts. Yeah. Wash off that fucking fetid sack that's swinging between your legs. Well, dirty dick Becker. My balls have been itching so much lately and it's like what god invented the male form and he said i'm gonna make a lesser the female form is the one that's subjugated no we're the joke yeah we're the we're the fucking prank what fallen angel designed this awful machine

we just got our guys jangling between the like two vice grips just my thoughts down there ready to smush my manhood 24 7 god bless uh becker because I imagine you've got some breathing room down there. Everything's great. I guess we're the error to be so fat that your thighs choke the life out of your centerpiece, the piece de resistance. To get so fat that your family jewels are just put between the middle of the pages of a phone book 24-7. Right. Getting smushed like a leaf. Yeah, exactly. Like I'm trying to press a flower a lover gave me on homecoming that's my dick i guess we are the ones at fault

but i mean he gave us the blueprint and we just like outsourced it to uh turkey and they sent back this awful machine this is what happens when you hire bad labor i stand with solidarity with the strikers i'm with the ballers you know i'm talking about baseball anyway four balls and you should go see a doctor because that's twice as many as you're supposed to have it'd be great if you could choose the amount of balls you had daily like you wake up in the morning and just like putting on your underwear and your top hat you're like well i'm going with six today that'll freak out everyone at the spa oh yeah tight banana hammock and you got way too many plums down there he's like yeah come on you got to ring up some of those in the self-checkout you can't be so brazen yeah quit putting them on the bottom of the cart i go ahead go ahead i got nothing i was gonna say i have a tradesman dozen of balls but

that it wasn't worth it got a merchant marines quartet going on down there yeah uh i am half furious because i had to wake up at 6 40 this morning to help set up a booth at a farmer's market for the Corazon de Trinidad Creative District, of which I am a board member. Oh, yeah. So, yeah, the fact that I've been home for 10 seconds and I have to do a podcast is infuriating, but I'll survive. At least you're shirtless with your friends sure you know it would make you the most furious if you had to set up a booth at a farmer's market and they were selling fishing tackle now that's when you go postal and kill everybody yeah it's just i trip 80 times over the fishing tackle it's completely unsellable yeah because it's wrapped

around my body and here's mr bean in your way through hooks yeah just nodded up well speaking of mr b okay so i forgot this no one's ever said speaking of mr bean anecdote ready to go well no but it no but i meant to say what made, what made things even worse was for setup and for tear down this, um, random half brain helped us with, uh, it was me and this, uh, this sweet old lady named Pat. lady named pat she's former cop but i won't hold it against her um she is great and it was me and her and then she got some random dude i don't know his name i don't want to know to help to be the third to help set up the tent you know the canopy and this guy it seemed like he just stepped off a spaceship and was just winging it you know like no no real um no real solid grasp of like how most things work it seemed like just confused and odd by most things and so you like can't find the one zipper on to get the canopy out of its uh sheath and then he's just like immediate like instead of

do it like with ideally you have four people so that you raise up the canopy at once. Four corners. One, two, three, here we go. Teamwork. This fucker just immediately starts pulling on his corner and is like, what are you doing? There's just no communication or coordination on this guy. And he's like 60. So I don't know how he's still alive.

It's like, how have you not accidentally eaten poisonous berries you know they're everywhere and you're just silently seething at this old man's incompetence that's the oh he's you're not being nice or helpful it's 7 22 in the morning and i'm like this motherfucker wants me to kill him he like has a death wish he's begging for death yeah you're big enough to set up a canopy with you is the equivalent of going for a cop's gun that's suicide by line is not being able to do a very simple task early in the morning oh yeah just pushing all of my buttons he's like a kid on an elevator just pushing all my buttons imagine if i was there that early and i'm going down swinging oh yeah you would have

been just you would have been at the top of the slide on the playground nearby just somebody pushed me push me down the side daddy yeah have we ever told that daca daca story here i'll bet we have i mean we've done like 110 episodes we're like cheers we're in cheers territory yeah exactly norm's about to go on a date with Sam. That's how desperate we are for storylines at this point. Yeah, man, I would love to have been there and also not been helpful, but been like, yeah, I'm with you, Lund.

I get it. This guy sucks. Meanwhile, my pants are on backward. Your nuts are coming out of your short shorts. Yeah. Sam, put some fucking boxers on god damn it uh no the well what was funny is so he he's annoying at 7 22 and then you know he's gone he leaves so everything's fine and then the fucker shows up at noon to tear down and i was like no

we don't need your help oh he brought a big rock over he comes up hey where do you want this and i'm like we're about to tear down the canopy so we don't need a counterweight because we're gonna load this shit up so i don't know drop it on your foot a couple times you know and uh he sets it down and then again fucker just starts uh pulling down on his corner before i'm even in my corner i'm still working on the banner at this point i'm putting the bungees in the bungee uh canister and then i'm gonna roll up the banner and then i'm gonna uh count to three to you know pull down the canopy at the same time but this fucker just starts yanking on his end and i asked uh pat i was like is this guy over medicated what's his deal and she just laughed because i think she i mean she's uh you know probably put up with more of his shit than i

have i've just met the fucker but yeah mr bean for sure i'm surprised he didn't have a shoe on his head and his you know belt and his belt around his neck. That would have been cool. He's just jerking by the canopy. He doesn't know where clothes go. He's shirtless. Oh, I thought he was doing an autoerotic blast off. Oh, no.

He can't even. I don't think he could even jerk off missionary style, let alone get into the deeper waters of erotica. Jerking off missionary, just on your back with your legs in the air he would he would he would hear if if somebody told him about auto erotic asphyxiation he would like tie the belt around his arm and then you know put the other end on a doorknob yeah he'd somehow lose a tooth fucking guy i have a uh i have a four-person mishap story as well from this morning oh bring it look at that so we're cleaning up our house because emily's mom and sister and the baby susu are coming in tomorrow uh for the funeral and by the way

tickets are sold out so thanks chubby chasers for uh for getting on brown paper tickets and moving those units we hit our bonus uh so we're outside and we have we you know how we have all that patio furniture in the backyard we have a rain cover for it so me and my dad are trying to put it on for like seven minutes and emily comes out and she's like are you guys still fucking trying to do that look the brown sides go on the edges and i was like it's fine and as i said that i yanked down the canopy and totally tore like a seven inch gash in it real loud ripped it right on the corner this canopy is expensive and uh and then i had to go do a lap around the block because i was so furious i just walked out the gate and did a fucking lap. Damn, dude.

That's wild that we are. I mean, we're more on the same page than ever. I was almost shirtless. It would have been a Gianna Michaels type situation. Oh, yeah. If we would have both been fucking shirtless. I thought about it 10 seconds before I got on here. I was like, take your shirt off.

Who cares? Yeah, take it off, man. Let's dump them for the people. Yeah, but anyway, I fucking ripped that. You climbed a tree. Oh, yeah. So, I mean, I was the equivalent of this mysterious man who helped you set up. I was Augie.

I was Augie the simpleton of Trinidad this morning. You were deputy dipshit. Yeah, exactly. I was. I imagine this guy's name was something stupid fulton it's me morgy i'm here to help set up the booth hi i'm crumptus yeah morning crump please call me tuss crump was my father's name have you remember remember that joke hey call me ping mr pong was my father's name no that's fun that's an asian dignitary sounds racist no the man's name is ping pong he's ping pong junior please call me ping so your shirt's off because of the canopy is that yeah my shirt's

off because i had to strip nude and terrorize the neighborhood like a marauder high on uh mushrooms i was so mad and it was all my fault my dad's just standing there like uh you know he did the gym from the office just look at the camera you know he did the kermit meme where he turns and looks what did emily do uh slammed the door what do you think she did you think she took it well she hasn't talked well i didn't hear the reaction i guess you were busy walking the block oh yeah no i was just like counting giant hair and then yeah just i was out the gate i mean they were so no one said anything they were so dumbfounded yeah that's me that's you yeah i'm helping i was like i'm helping responding to emily

belittling you with rage and strength oh yeah i mean she wasn't even belittling me she was telling me the appropriate way to put on this very simple cover that me and my dad had been struggling with for like you know half of a high school

basketball game. Also I might I might get season tickets to the CSU lady volleyball team up here. Oh you already did. I mean I have them

in the basket. Every night I go check on them to see if they're still there. Just like, hello, my precious. Yes, I'll come watch one day. I'm going to paint my entire body green and white just for your pleasure. I can't go watch volleyball. Why would you? Seems insane that you would get.

Like, if you're going to go to a game because you are very bored you don't really and then there's a game that night sure but it's season tickets you're gonna be a super fan you're gonna be the creep that isn't a dad to one of those young women you're just gonna act like you give a shit about volleyball like you ever have in your life um i mean i don't know dude i just love sports i love teamwork you know you don't i don't like the butts dude that's not why i'm in this i'm in it because i want to have a little uh city spirit you know this is my equivalent of joining the heart of trinidad you join the city council i'm going going to CSU. I got a barrel on, you know.

Nothing underneath. Yeah, I mean, they're nude, sweaty, visibly confused. They have to send a hostage negotiator to get me out of the barrel. How many people are in there with you? You only see my head, but then you see six feet underneath. what's he doing? send out one as a sign of good faith. last night David Rodriguez recorded his album up here at the fort. yeah he did great. it was good. he said it was good good for him yeah i was happy for him but i'm doing all my like uh you know stuff about my mom now and solid solid intro to his special yeah just a total downer yeah it goes for me like mourning the uh this existence which is defined by pain and

how we bear it and then david gets on and he's like what's the deal with spaghetti like that my kids are a pain in the butt i'll tell you what yeah give it up for sam he's going through it yeah keep it going for sam but on the second he's not okay yeah he's not doing good uh i was doing that bit about my dad like you know how all he was good at before my mom's stroke was taking his thumb off yeah you know like that's all he really mastered and i'm doing this and it's working and then some lady's like what about got your nose and oh my god did i my tongue the the tip of my tongue is on the stage of the comedy fort right now because i bit it off because i wanted to crush this woman but instead i said got your nose huh you know who has my mom the dirt that was fun but god i wanted to scream at her it's like that's when you're gonna

fucking heckle with got your nose in the middle of the my mom just died material come on lady read the room people are so dumb they just they just have uh best telling just shared a clip from a backyard show where a woman was just you know just it's like the first thing that comes to mind they think is what they should say there's no real thought put into it it's just like word association i mean that's what that is right is she just thinks of another uh thing that parents do to kids or whatever like a little trick and then just says it as if oh if she's feeding you your next line yeah it's like thank you lady this isn't a very thought out set that i'm doing so thanks for putting that one on the t yeah you're conducting quite the orchestra of a comedy show.

Yeah, she was the puppet master. I would have loved to have put her in a fucking burlap sack and hung her up from a tree at a quinceañera and just let those delightful little Latino kids take wax at her with a broom. That would have been fun. I was watching that Netflix Tudum this morning. They're announcing all their new releases for like the next

year. Okay. But they had a documentary called like the Puppet Master, the King of Con and I genuinely like laughed my ass off on my couch thinking like, great, Sam's got another special. I would love to call my special the Puppet Master. It's just me doing uh orchestrated crowd work you know like playing couples against each other like look at this guy's looking at her crazy huh wow how long you guys been together not much longer

and then just like it devolves you know i mean i've totally accidentally puppet mastered the various times i've called someone out for like mourning the death of their child and then it is like the anniversary of the death of their child yeah i've never understood how you have that sense about you i don't know if it's a power i don't know if it's a gift what's part of being the puppet master it seems like some tumor that like is pressing on a weird part of your brain that allows for some other type of perception of grief or some shit or you're just used to smiling faces so when somebody is like frowny you know that something's wrong and you figure it must be bad or else they'd be having

a good time because you're so funny you're like oh surely you've gone through immense grief yeah super supernatural loss yeah no way could you just not like my comedy yeah it must be something that's cut you very deeply yeah you must be defined by pain because look around you well for a second i thought becker was pulling on his nips i was like what are you doing he's stretching him out he's just cracking his back yeah yeah becker's got a nice bod shouldn't touch his elbows right his back becker has like uh yeah touch your elbows behind your back god remember that fucking work of genius talk about that's like my first puppet master well it is a puppet master's trick to that that the setup is that if you can do it you're a genius and it's like yeah what the fuck what a horny dad came up with

that like hey uh tell your classmates that if they can touch their elbows behind their back it means they're mints of material it means they're Mensa material. It means they're not going to have to pay for college, if you know what I mean. That'll get those elbows touching. I never even had that part of the setup. It was just, I bet you can't touch your elbows behind your back. There was no incentivizer. It was an IQ test.

Devised by some perpv we didn't even have that it was just like hey if i can't you can't touch your elbows behind your back and then they'd be like yes i can i can do anything touch them then yeah but also what was the thing i think you were a genius if your hand god damn it mama if your hand was is uh bigger than your face yeah then you smack them then you biff them and you blast them yeah god that was a good one it's just the equivalent of just slapping them in the face you could have just done that you didn't have to make them do it you didn't have to set up to quit hitting yourself puppet master yeah it's more about the control like jigsaw it's like you i made i said i put you into a

scenario where you smacked yourself yes survive i control your mind puppet mastery is a fun thing to do i mean i don't know why i like it so much but i like when people recognize it that's more than I like more than when I'm doing it. You get off, you get off on it. I love getting caught. I love people knowing when I'm bad. Uh,

what else? Your mom's still dead. My dad, the ceremony didn't work yeah what if they're hanging out up there what if they what if they made an alliance that'd be cool rick the penis lund and old bt hey you said rick penis instead of dick penis you you really blew it on the on the instagram page hey sorry man hey also also people please don't toad post all right people on the patreon are toasting why do you keep why do you keep spelling

it t-o-d-e that's funny uh yeah it is i think it's great i just got scared that you thought that was the correct spelling of a little frog person. It gives them a sense of regality. Also, now that that picture is up, we have to say that we were mistaken and thought that the top of the toad pyramid was toad. No, I never thought that was toad. The top of the toad pyramid was toad. No, I never thought that was toad. The top of the toad pyramid was toad. The little guy was not the one that died. What? Remember how we thought that the little guy was a 20, 22-year-old?

That wasn't true. That little guy apparently is alive and well. He's fine and he was not a little simon birch benjamin button situation where he was a little toad boy i thought he was toad for life i'm still sleeping in a drawer somewhere in glendale right now the gamer style the guy that died toad sleeps in a bucket of KFC. That's what I thought. We thought. He doesn't even want the flesh. He wants the bones.

A little mayonnaise jar with a couple sticks in it. Give Toad the bones. No, but yeah, we thought that the littlest kid was the one that passed. And that the older dude was the dad. But that wasn't the dad those were the three kids so okay so yeah if you're on the patreon you can see the uh photographic evidence of toad and uh you know just whatever you do don't make it into a meme i mean a man is dead all right so no toad posting people really loved toad man i can't blame him just imagine him hopping around oh yeah and if uh if you see the on our on the trouble behemoth pod instagram page if you see the

uh bravery festival logo that jake brown made and you want a shirt let us know if we have enough people i think we should make shirts yeah let's steal the high plains logo and uh and monetize it yeah who cares we're chinese democracy baby they don't care no one cares they're busy counting cash for the next six months before they have to start figuring out what 80 Denver comics to invite to the next year's fest. Yeah, they're busy right now. Karen's just spitting on hundreds and slapping them on Adam's nude ass. That's what they're doing.

Kind of like on Howard Stern where they had that lady come on and they threw cold cuts at her body. Remember that? God, that was a weird that was when i was still figuring out what gave me boners and for some reason that worked and i wonder why you loved both of those things very much yeah i mean i had a mini fridge full of carl bunting and then you know i had a couple issues of cherry and in between the pages pressed like a flower were just cold cut so it all

ended up i always wanted to do that the only time it's ever happened is i was like hanging out with like four dudes and i was like hey who wants we're all wasted i was like who wants to throw salami at my butt and they were all like no one none of us do you were trying to get something going yeah this could be fun this could be a new tradition i'll be the dartboard yeah you'd be the darts that'd be fun though maybe the next live one we do i'll uh bring some slices and take my shirt off yeah nobody wants to see your giant ass yeah i mean it's a crazy ass maybe that's so long yeah it sucks it doesn't suck it's awful unique it is it's like it looks bad from afar but you get up close you realize it's a tight high ass it's like an indian burial ground you know it's filled with mystery

it's still out in the tiki yeah i'm out in the tiki sweating it out man damn since keto i've lost like 45 pounds yeah you can kind of tell no one can tell no i thought you looked pretty good in the pictures of that nick holmby shared man holmby's been on fire yeah every photo is a holmby joint is a home run yeah homie also sent me all the footage of me at my premiere with my mom so that was that was good oh yeah he was surprised he was there well yeah i just went through like looking at photos of like me and all my friends hey it's me and ian carmel looking cool oh it's me uh you know taking a swing and whipple ball good god the last known footage of my mother

all right real hard swing yeah if you guys want to see it join the Patreon I'll post it now I've monetized my money cry into a bag yeah it's

god I don't know I'm just thinking cold cuts now you got the meat sweats on three everyone favorite sliced meat one two three turkey soppressata i said soppressata earlier soppressata is the best it's good one didn't say one i said

one earlier okay well i said on three i don't like to repeat myself. I said it, it's over. I said it, and then I forget it. Yeah, you said it and forget it. That's right. Yeah, that spicy... Whoa, hold on. Look at Becker right now. This is what it would look like if we were sucking him. He's based around...

Yeah. Becker has the phone down by his waist, and it looks like I'm looking up at him and saying... Sit my tits. This is down by my waist. Baby's like I'm looking up at him and saying sit my tits this is down by my waist baby's hungry dad suck my gin yeah it's POV that's that meow wolf you can get

carried around it looks like you're blowing a giant oh god you know I've never been carried around yeah I believe it yeah never no one's ever hoisted me I would love to leave the leave the earth for a while you know just be floating what's that like uh i i don't like it ever because

anytime it happens i'm scared because it's not something that i'm used to and i don't trust the person doing it to actually like control me like be able to uh maintain well yeah when you get picked up it's samoa joe i mean who's fucking picking you up the only people that i have gotten a little comfortable with because i felt like they were strong enough was z carrera who's huge sure he's too big and used used to be even bigger he's lost weight but he's still strong and then devin davis little meatball uh you know yeah this oprah sada himself that's yeah the spicy meatball come to life he was very strong and could like put me on his shoulders

and was like yeah i'm fine and i was like this is insane yeah. Devin Davis in the Chubby Behemoth Extended Universe is the same as like Mr. Multiplistic in Superman. You know, he's like a villain that not a lot of people know about. But when he does show up, you better watch out. He's going to throw people around. Dude, Jason Wardell showed up to High Plains. The first thing I said was, do a spin. He still has that huge ass. Cool butt. You said makes a plex He still has that huge ass. Cool butt.

You said Mixaplexic better than any non-virgin ever. Thanks, man. Well, I always thought he was cool because he made Superman speak backward. That was his trick. Yeah, Mixaplexic's the shit. Yeah, it's fun. I mean, Plastic Man's the best superhero of all time. Have you read the Gail Simone one?

Of course, man. Have you read the gail simone one of course man have you read the nina simone one and you fed him tea and oranges i do a pretty good simone i do too i used to do it for uh a certain lover and she would laugh at it all the time and what what's the fucking lyric touching you touching me she did sweet caroline let me try it again and she fed you tea and oranges that's pretty good i like it thanks man that's mama snoring because your impression was boring i don't think so you You know, speaking of being picked up, I had a girlfriend once and I would hoist her all the time and she hated it. There's like a bunch of photos of me hoisting her.

And she was like, put me down. I hate this. I feel like a baby. I'm like, shut up. Shut up. You're in the air. Ground rules don't apply to you. You're in the air. Ground rules don't apply to you. You're floating.

Oh, yeah. She was incredibly small. Smallest person alive. Damn it, Mama. What's up with Mama? Gordy's here with me. He's nailing it. Well, she was breathing very loudly like she had sleep apnea

and then she left. Blame it on Mama. It was clearly you. And now she's back. You were thinking about being in the air, and you got all hot and heavy. Off the ground, feeder dangling. I was like, David Borey's sleeping. Yeah.

Yeah, David Borey's sleeping sounds like a dog who just went on a hike. It sounds like four pug puppies fighting yeah it does it sounds like four raccoons in a bag fighting over an apple core a lot of panting and dancing we never pass bory i pull his pants down when he's sleeping yeah cool but Bori's butt it makes it almost insurmountable to pull his shorts down around because like once he cinches that thing over that giant donk those aren't coming down unless he wants them to come down they're pretty much like a chastity belt is what he puts on every day. I've tried to pants him so many times.

It never works. Like I don't think I've ever gotten them. Me and Stefan tried to pants, but at the same time it was a coordinated attack and didn't happen. Somehow, somehow both of your pants fall down. Yeah, exactly.

It's got anti-pantsing technology in his dickies. Sophie, didn't you say dad pantsed you this morning? He didn't actually. Sophie's rewriting the history books. Is she just looking at you? Yeah, Sophie's sitting in a chair staring at my shirtless body. Drawing it. Yeah, exactly. I'm Kate chair staring at my shirtless body. Drawing it. Yeah, exactly.

I'm Kate Winslet. She's got a charcoal pencil. She keeps running out of charcoal. She's gone through four pencils. No, Sophie just came in to steal socks from, I'm guessing, me. Explain yourself. Those aren't going to fit your feet. Do you want to come say hi to the people no fuck no huh all right well that's my sister everybody did you bet on the thursday night football game because i did and i lost 10 bucks

yeah i bet a crazy parlay that didn't hit because christian mccaffrey went out oh damn that one hurt i was looking at it eight hundred dollars down the drain it was a lock no i bet like five to win 800 that's how big the parlay was all in the game yeah same game parlay mel has told me several times that the dumbest thing to do is to try to do a bunch of dumb ass parlays oh yeah i mean on that if that's true i'm fucking i'm that guy who helped you set up the tent this morning on monday night football i had seven different parlays for five dollars a piece so 35 bucks on the line not one of them hit because aaron jones scored four touchdowns yeah i always thought

it'd be spread out that's the worst thing to happen to me this month was aaron jones scoring those four touchdowns was he on your bench in fantasy no he wasn't on my bench i just if i anyone else if tanyan scored a touchdown i would i mean not tanyan but other people anyway this talking about losses isn't what we do people we only talk about our wins we're just fellas building each other up that's our whole thing becker we need transparency nice bod lund loving that forehead look at that forehead yeah god it's like a butterball it's so shiny i'm not even sweating it's gleaming that's because you make good oil my dome you're like syria you make the best oil that's why we got to get in there and take it

give me i haven't really been doing much you know just been up here living my quiet life with my family around me me and my dad watched the first episode of the shield last night it fucking rocks making plant-based meals oh no uh not at all we fucking crushed about 180 chicken wings last night damn did you find yourself no we got them from wing stop and it wasn't 180 it was like 36 which means that costs 450 of course because it's wing stop wait are they back to wing stop or they're not doing thighs anymore they might do thighs well you ate them last night i didn't eat any thighs i just ate the legs of 70 birds that's what i did for a while they were only doing thighs because the chicken wing prices well maybe that was what was going on down there in stinktown when

you guys would take the wagon up to pueblo but up here in civilization we still have all the chicken parts we want yeah right look dude you're a thigh guy college towns were wingless and they were directionless rudderless i don't think so dude without those wing compasses i mean we're we're typically a buffalo wild wings family but this one was closer so not not to brag. We took it easy. Isn't Wingstop's better, isn't it? They're both trash. They're both a terrible way to spend your hard-earned money. Oh.

One of them's made with beef tallow, though. So that's why we go there. I can't remember which one. Probably Wingstop. Love that tallow. Love that tallow at Popeye's. I would. It'd be cool to just get a bunch of beef tallow. Love that tallow with Popeye. It'd be cool to just get a bunch of beef tallow and have like

a snowball fight, you know? But with tallow. Just get a bunch of lard and whip it at each other. And then sit in the sun and bake. I don't know if it was in The Simpsons. Do The Simpsons do tallow fight? The grease is in the vents at the school.

Oh, yeah, that was grease. And then they catch it on their tongue, and then I think they have grease ball fights. Yeah, I mean, maybe that's where this comes from. But I really want to be covered in some kind of unctuous ointments. I've been in a mud bath before. That's fun. I don't understand why they don't have i've been in a mud bath before that's fun i don't

understand why they don't have more like exotic baths you can go to where like one is pudding you know and like one is pure lard and uh one is ketchup and mustard mixed together i just want to see what it feels like what about i feel like i'd just be a zit you'd be a zit yeah if i laid in lard but blood sounds weird because it's like non-newtonian yeah it's a non-newtonian physics uh i don't know what you're talking what's non-newtonian mean it doesn't it doesn't flow or follow the laws of like water blood doesn't no what yeah blood and like ketchup doesn't either ketchup's non-newtonian, but blood is a non-Newtonian fluid, so it doesn't follow like hydrodynamics.

Oh, my God. Where do we get this much blood to test this theory? Probably go to a slaughterhouse in town and they'd let us have it. Yeah, I don't want pig blood. It'd be horse. Come on. Oh, yeah. Give me some horse blood.

I don't know. I just feel like we respirate through our skin, right? So you'd be breathing in blood yeah it'd be kind of weird except it's so thick i don't know that you'd be able to like get it through interesting well see this is why we do the pod so i can learn becker's corner yeah becker with the non-Newtonian physics. Story alert. Beckman's World. Beckman's World. What a great show. Remember Bobby's World? Yeah. Howie Mandel? Yeah. Wasn't the mom hot?

Kinda. And she had that super Minnesota accent. Yeah, she talked like this. Hey, I'm from Soda. I'm from Minnesota. Don't you know Bobby? Oh, Bobby, it's your world, ain't it? Ride your big wheel around. We have all these Somali neighbors, damn it. Oh, yeah.

He had that squid that worked as like Batman's grappling hook. Yeah, yeah. Oh, these damn mung moved in next door. That'd be a fun crossover is Bobby's World with that Clint Eastwood movie about the old man who says it. Torino. Yeah, Gran Torino meets Bobby's World. That whole movie was just designed

so Clint Eastwood could blast a couple. That's like what the premise... That was the elevator pitch. It's a redemption story. And I say it a bunch. But I'm still the hero. I get to say whatever I want and I mean it but they don't know because it's a character.

I'm acting. I swear to God I'm acting. I saw a trailer like two days ago he has a new action movie coming out. What's it called? It's just the n word it's called cry macho the studio's like hey you know he has full creative control what are we

gonna do he's printing money they love him in china yeah people love to watch him say it now it's called cry macho everybody on twitter made fun of it a few days ago this summer clint eastwood says it in a whole new way he's in blackface i'm saying it and i can cry macho yeah and he's so old it looks like he's struggling to make his eyes go in the same direction i mean that last one was just like his fever dream the one where he was the mule yeah in the mule it's like a 90 minute movie and he has like not one but or two but like four different three ways with hot latinas i'm old but i still bang him and And while I bang them, I say it, get over here. It's the only way I can get hard is saying it.

I say it. And then I spray it. Got your own ass. I got my own damn ass, man. I was waiting for the hot riff. This episode dragged a little bit since that great story you told the beginning. And I've just been trying to fucking climb back up the mountain i don't think that's true i think this has been

solid now there's been various moments for me and you were just both desperately looking at each other through the webcam like you got anything you got anything it's their second free one a week they'll love it yeah this is a bonus y'all so just know that how is that well we put out you know we put out the live app a week late because uh we couldn't get it from old doily in time to put it out last week so now we got two this week and we're really fucking finding our flow baby doyle was busy holding a pillow over his sleeping kids face not not over but contemplating smothering them not actually killing them but thinking covered cat oh yeah quit itching your gut god they don't know what's going on

my gut i'll tell you that oh yeah because your balls are all scabrous i was getting in between the thigh and the pie that's a weird area that thing can smell a million different ways the meat pie yeah that like weird thigh crevice right by your balls sometimes no man's land like a jar of urine. Sometimes it smells like strawberries. It's crazy down there. Everyone go ahead at home. Give yourself a swipe. Self-check your credit card machine and then give it a whiff.

What do you got? Sweet or savory. Yeah, exactly. Is it English breakfast or is it a Spanish midnight? What do you got? Human body. What a wonderland. Jamon Iberico.

Oh man, I fucking ate way too much ham. We had to throw away the ham finally. Oh. I know. I thought you were going to use every part of that beast. I tried, but then I was getting sick. I was like spite eating old ham and being like, it's fine.

You know? Like my gum started hurting after all that ham i know it sounds what are you gonna do when you live on the edge like me you're gonna fall off sometimes next time you gotta eat it faster you need me to tie it yeah man but the issue is you have to slice it so thin or else it's on you can't you can't swallow it it's so chewy it just becomes this like fibrous mask or oh i know i've played this game oh yeah i forgot i was talking to minnesota fats yeah you're a veteran of the hammy yeah i love that jamon it was most of why i want to go die in Spain. Yeah, I want to go die in Spain, too. Also, all drugs are legal, aren't they?

Hopefully. Weed's definitely legal, and they're playing at a different league than we are. God, I'm going to be in Spain one day. Just shirtless, just like this, talking to myself. Dude, and you'd be like one of the best-built dudes. Barcelona made no sense all the chicks looked like sex robots and all the men looked like the biggest chode toads ever yeah dude what if toad had a chode i mean he did right what if toad was pushing puck yeah that'd be so good oh wait i i forgot to say that uh noah said that the his parents address was not edited out oh my god of the pod oh shit well no i totally

forgot till you just said it becker put a shirt on i was still recovering from my headache and just was like struggling to get it out. Oh god. I was jumping around because the other guy did a really good edit. So I was just making sure there was no like problems and pops. What have we done? What's the worst that happens? We doxed Toad's grave?

People are going to make pilgrimages. Oh I'm sorry Noah that's my fault. Noah that's my fault Noah that is a Becker malfunction not Sam and Lott damn it well Sam is the puppet master so I feel like he has something to do with it

Becker's check cleared Becker yeah Toad's buried in a matchbox good luck finding it fuck well hey guys everyone be respectful don't go to noah's parents house it's already been downloaded a thousand times i mean i could change it but it's too late it's too late fuck it don't mail it don't mail him anything weird. Don't mail him any liquids. Yeah. Send him nudes if you're hot.

Yeah, if you've got them, send them to Noah. Make sure you write Noah's name on the address, though, so his parents don't open it. Yeah, it'd be funny if it's just a bunch of fucking toenails and nudes. His mom opens them. Noah, this is from a fan. Mom, I'm doing good. Man, people love my podcast.

Waka waka. No, it's a picture of Toad with breasts drawn on it. His mom calls him Toad? Yeah. Mom calls him toad mom calls him toad toad posting. I've been thinking that to myself for like a week and laughing every time. Just Toad

showing up like it means on 4chan. They make a Pepe Toad. He becomes like an alt-right symbol somehow an icon for q yeah exactly follow the toad poor young man well maybe we can get toad on the pot if if it if it's not him who passed away we can get toad on the pot if if it's not him who passed away we can get toad on here we could have a whole segment called toad's lily pad we just have him talk about what it's like to be tiny in a big world no we keep getting toad mail what's going on here mom i was next door with mr wilson mom oh man what fun uh i did re-listen to him yell at us on the pod because that made my whole weekend. Oh, yeah.

He was furious. Yeah, that was way better than the 20 minutes he had in Trinidad to just eat shit. Oh, yeah. Carlos posted on the Patreon, shout out Madrid. He was like, yeah, the best part was watching you guys

make fun of Toad and then sitting next to Noah and hearing him curse you. I can just imagine Noah in the back looking like the bad kid from Recess. Rubbing his fingers together. Holy shit. Have you guys watched the new Love on the Spectrum season two? No. That clip you shared is funny dude i love that show so much isn't it completely exploitative i'm guessing a bunch of autistic people argued for it during the first season. Yeah, they're just trying to find love for people who aren't neurotypical like you, Lund.

Yeah, but isn't you laughing at how awkward it is? I'm not laughing. Oh, you love it because you sincerely empathize with... Oh, yes. No, it's the most wholesome thing on. I mean, Andrew Polk, when season one came out, Polk and Pierce hit me up and they were like, you got to check this out. It's a bunch of retards. And I I was like they're jerking off to it

yeah yeah they're just like pure evil you know sitting on a bone throne drinking blood watching love on the spectrum but I watched it and I was just crying because in every episode their parents are like oh he's come a long way and we just we're so proud of him we love him so much

and I was just like you know broken but on this season there's a girl who we're pretty sure isn't autistic and just has down syndrome and she's dating a guy named ronan and someone in my family's been doing a very mean impression of her name names are they the most educated i'm not gonna say a thing i'm just saying that it's someone who knows better and they're really getting a lot of mileage out of this bit i've been in the house with my dad, my sister, and my wife. So that's all I'm saying. It's not Gordy.

But yeah, it's like, can an autistic guy date a Down syndrome person? Is that okay? I don't know. Why not? You don't see a lot of things. Those glasses are fake. I mean, it's pretty much the same thing as me and Emily getting together. But I just don't know if it's okay.

Yeah, I don't know. Like Brian Johnson's niece, he adopted his down syndrome. Yeah, but they're not dating, right? No, but she just like turned 16 and he was talking about on his podcast how he like really hopes she gets to have like normal teenage years and date and do that whole thing so yeah i mean i feel like there's always inspiring videos of like you know down syndrome couples who just like bought their first wagon like that's exciting stuff you know but i don't know if they can date non-down syndrome people wait what what's the crossing of the streams uh tell him steve dave oh okay i was like brian johnson talking about fucking lead singer of acbc what podcast are you

listening to no it's kevin smith's big it's the guy that randall's based on in clerks right yeah yeah it's the devin davis of the chubby behemoth universe yes no of the view of skewniverse view of skewniverse yes yes yes how high are your guys's uh shorts or underwear on your bodies right now belly button yeah mine are over the belly button it's a real funny scene over here that's that's the only way to like look down and not hate yourself after no don't show look what i'm doing oh you gotta pull tight that's a different move oh it's tight as hell you're going dr robotnik on us yes exactly i'm full david borre yeah they engage so he tries to yank him off yeah while i'm sitting man you're protected i would have liked sonic a lot better if he was Dr. Robotnik instead of Jim Carrey.

And they did the pants and the whole thing on David. That would have been fun. Oh, that would have been great if Bori was Dr. Robotnik. Yeah, I bet that in the Sonic movie, the last casting call was either Jim Carrey or David Bori for the role of Dr. Robotnik. Yeah, I don't think they went with the better choice, even though I understand what you're saying. He wasn't good as the classically fat man. No, yeah, they should have gone with a man

who was shaped like Robotnik instead of someone who has the range of Robotnik. Well, David does have the physical range of Robotnik, mobility-wise. Yeah. Lund's really tapped out on this episode i'm jerking it he just gave up what the hell happened over there lunch i was trying to think of something and i thought of either begging you or saying i wish i could play woodman and nothing sounded good so i just kept

quiet you should have been cast as Wario in the new Mario movie. That would have been good. People are mad about that. Yes, they are. People give a shit about a Mario movie. Twitter is really wringing it dry. I like Luigi

as Charlie Day. That's fun. Yeah, do you think they're going to do the Italian accents? They have to.'s mario yeah that seems questionable what if they did it like the sopranos it's just mario as the sopranos real tough guy accent from yeah louigi accidentally kills a hooker when he gets out of jail so they got got to take him to the fucking stockyards and put a bullet in his head. Luigi, I hardly knew you.

Oh, the Mario, don't put the bullet in my head. That will kill no more whores. Oh, you're going to die. You're going to die for the family. Is it going to be animated? Of course they hate Donkey Kong. Yeah, and Fred Armisen is playing Cranky Kong. Cranky Kong?

The old grandpa yeah yeah the one you would go visit to save your game in the donkey kong movies yes yes god those were good donkey kong averse yeah lun's back that's the version yeah hell yeah the donkey kong averse i loved the donkey kong games i did too those are good yeah it was cool to have representation because he looks like me my sister always liked to be dixie kong and i was always pissed because dixie can like do that thing with her hair where it becomes a helicopter and she floats across pits i was like princess princess and mario 2 could float and she was better than like anybody yeah for sure luigi could jump pretty good but he was kind of tougher to control princess you had the float and that was the first appearance of noah's cousin in a video game

yeah that's that's when Toad made his debut. In Mario 2. They should have cast Noah's cousin as Toad in the Mario movie. Oh, man. Shit. Toad posting. Oh, yeah, I was going to say, because of Mario 2, I tried to put on a dress and float, and I did not. Those kids tried to drown my ass, and I was like, save me. The dress is supposed to save me.

Lon, you're coming up to the funeral? I am. I didn't know if I'd be able to make it work because I've been... There's only a few of us that work at the dad, but yeah, I am going to work Monday instead of Tuesday. Nice. I'm going to go. Someone's got to be at the dad to serve those war criminals. They're boiler makers or heroes. No,

they're a bunch of hut burners. That's the clientele down there on Tuesdays. It's just a bunch of people who got their noses bit off by a Saigon whore. Alright. Did you just watch Dirty Work? Yeah, I did. That's the reference. I watched the...

I wasn't trying to make that pass that off as my original thought. I was doing a reference to a film we all watch. Well, I was hoping that you watched it recently. I did. I thought about it. Oh, yeah yeah norm mcdonald's not for girls that's gonna be the most sexist thing i've ever said i don't know if a lot of women enjoy norm i mean probably people listen to our podcast too because they're smart and they're comedy fans but my mom didn't like norm emily calls him born that's how little she cares for the guy. Who died? Borm?

It sucks to be reminded of how conservative and religious he was because it means that his jokes and stuff were just kind of him knowing how math works and then being a fucking conservative

religious dude. nothing about norm sucks and i relish every memory i have of him yeah i think he could be both my my mom teaches sunday school and she's a monster yeah your mom blows no but i mean like all of my worst thoughts were definitely inherited from my mom my dad's not coming up with rascal thoughts what about bunday school it's just butt school yeah see she'd love that yeah see i still got it i've been watching all the tapes of him fucking up morning shows because that's like the best thing on the view yeah i'm talking about hillary killing that guy god that's just priceless oh yeah he's talking about bill i think or them together because it was 2000 november 2000.

those were the days a simpler time everyone's mom was still alive gordy was still in a cage in a canadian puppy mill the towers stood proud emily was nine yep so london what are you going to wear to my mom's memorial should we dress the same i wanted to ask you your plan because i don't like the idea of dressing nicely yeah uh i don't love the idea of pants except it might be appropriate because it might be chilly yeah you don't want everyone to see that uh tattoo you have a cock hanging below your knee i'm gonna wear big old kevin smith jean shorts so that you can't see it. Please wear jean shorts.

Real long ones. And a Rangers jersey. Please wear an Islanders jersey and the longest jean shorts you can get your hands in. Damn it. Is it Islanders? No, it's Rangers, I think. No, I think he think nice no i think he's a devil's fan he's from yeah but he'll wear any jersey he wears all the jerseys yeah no i don't know i think i'm gonna wear a sweater that my mom got me for christmas my mom tried to dress me like a poet after my

book came out and i've never worn one of them besides to like do a funny character around the house so i think i'm gonna wear one of those and short shorts no i'll probably wear pants man i think i have to wear pants for this one nuts inside of your clothes or outside nuts in the clothes nuts in the body because uh i'm mourning i'll be sad so they hide they always hide for many uh birds to come by when i'm sad you tuck them he tuck them back yeah i'm gonna no this isn't a page tuck them for betsy yeah everyone welcome to my uh memorial my beautiful mother

now as was outlined in her will, please tuck them. If you haven't already. Tuck back the sack. Yeah. Hide your exterior genitals, people. This has been funny. Steer your genitals, people. This has been funny.

We've been trying to figure out the quotes for my mom's memorial pamphlet. And my Aunt Julie has been going through David Sedaris, because my mom loves Sedaris, and we have him. And the first one that she pitched was perfect and beautiful, and the second one was great. And then the third one she pitched was, how about this how about this everyone looks once you set your mind to it that's a Sedaris quote and I was like well that pretty much sums up my mom like she thought everyone was a until they proved themselves differently but we went with a different one what i can't think of any of the things that uh the guy says in chicago that he paid that he strips the apartment uh building with like but he says a bunch of crazy

about like fat white chicks or something no yeah and then there's also his brother rooster who says oh yeah sometimes you just gotta say fuck it and get yourself some candy that's also a good way to go yeah well what about uh so long stink town homer jay simpson i want to just put the uh the beginning of law and order these are their stories have you watched the original law and order yeah oh dude the original law and order was my mom's favorite show it was that and west wing on 24 7 uh yeah we watched law and order every fucking night man it was a big deal around the house i think megan and i are gonna watch it because there's so many of them and they probably don't jump the shark like svu did yeah and also it's

not just sex crimes you know so that's what i'm saying scratch off lotto tickets being faked or dog fights wholesome stuff svu i think ran out of you know stuff pretty quick like they painted themselves in a corner that's something to get buck wild and it's just like laughable a lot of the episodes you know it's like a pedophile gets raped by a baby it's like that's not yeah the twist yeah the twist is the sex pervert the baby was toad the sex pervert is this many years old holds up seven fingers he's eight they had to get wacky with it yeah I like the idea of plus Jerry Orbach

Jerry Orbach rules the anchor right mm-hmm spanker that's what I would do I would spank off to Orbach no Orbach posting Orbachian physics don't apply to blood look guys we gotta go I gotta drive down to Louvre's and see my family

we're gonna pick out some photos of my mom for the memorial hey get on the page this is a bonus episode get on patreon.com slash chubby behemoth we got 50 steaming hot episodes on there that you've never laid your fucking ears on and they are tasty morsels you're gonna love it so get on that page man five bucks a month gets you all the hot hot shit that you can fit in your ass

are you tired are you tired of shitting why you put some shit back up in there all right show your butt who's boss yeah exactly who's in charge your mouth or your butt we've got so much hot handfuls of dung for you to cram in where your dung comes from so if that sounds good to you if you want to cram shit in your own ass get on the patreon and uh you know sometimes you just realize that you're surrounded by love and god it's beautiful to be alive