Chubby Behemoth - Took A Hero Dose

Episode Date: March 15, 2026

SEE THE BOYS LIVE - https://punchup.live/samtallent     Sponsors: HIMS - Support the show & get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care with HIMS @ http://hims.com/CHUBBY     Ridge - Take advantage of Ridge's once-a-year anniversary sale & get UP TO 40% OFF by going to https://www.Ridge.com/CHUBBY #Ridgepod #sponsored #ad     PATREON EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth     This week the boys are all together in Boston! Sam had to wear a dress so he'd fall asleep in his bosom, told a friend he wants to shrink them down to make them walk his city, and likes when Lund does Scorpion-esque attacks. Nathan woke up terrified on the plane, wants to watch T2, and was just thinking outloud when he said that.     00:00 Imagine Wiping It Once 01:18 Getting A Little Taste 04:58 Inside Stuff 06:43 Missing Every Time 07:48 Reverse Wahlberg 08:36 I Hope I Sleep Through It 10:22 Parks And Promenades 12:07 Death Waves 14:23 Bathing With Bottled Water 16:43 Not Molting 18:06 Traffic In Salem 19:46 Last Time I Was Here 21:28 Nasty Little Worm People 23:15 Buried Under Submissions 25:13 She's Around You Lots 27:35 Yeah I Hate It 29:34 Everybody Smells Like Pears 33:02 Cash Only 36:07 Allowed Me To Think More 38:29 I'm The King 41:45 It Was Probably Your Mom 42:24 Hurt People Hurt People 46:44 Armadillo That Worked At Hot Topic 47:56 Chubby Chess 51:48 The Sunset Ride 53:36 To The Airport Boys 57:15 Thank God You're Here 01:00:57 Burning Out And Fading Away     Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   MORE WIDE WORLD: @SamTallent   Pre-Order Sam's New Book - https://www.amazon.com/dp/0593978897/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3I4LOBQ02YIGW&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.k5eCApJdjwVfn7hSelWi5VdRMlVrzKa4zf68ficcjcg.tZZOiI0nB0n3kkWiGAbidMQy5yUS_MkvmEIaXp-LXjo&dib_tag=se&keywords=sam+tallent+brut&qid=1769522903&sprefix=sam+tallent+,aps,181&sr=8-1&dplnkId=90401c83-a6a0-4ad4-999e-ece570a5d320&nodl=1

Yeah, we've already wiped it once, and we do simple files, so it should be good for... Imagine wiping it once. Imagine how great that would be to be a two-ply guy. God, when that does happen? Dude, what do you mean when it does happen? The 20 times in my life that I've pulled away the toilet paper and been like, did I shit? No. No.

And then you stand up and you're like, I did. It's never like that. It's either pancake batter or it's... It's weak. IED Or it's Earl Grey Yeah I remember when I was

When I was having my stomach shit I was having that A kinetic sand shit Very good Where it wouldn't It looked like it wasn't getting wet Yes yes yes We went over this

On a separate episode And it bummed me out then It's bumming me out now Well I don't have it anymore I thought it would bum you out less If it wasn't actively doing it No no I didn't need the act out either I didn't need you with your metal detector

Sifting through your fire It's the weirdest thing that's ever come out of my body Oh sand Hot sand. Hot sand. Some are in the city. Back of my pants looking dirty and gritty.

Looking real shitty. You're like an ostrich in reverse. Get rid of the sand instead of hiding in it. Yeah, I make it. He makes his own sand. I like this backdrop. It's like we're in the city's skyline's load screen

with a little bit of room glare. Oh, you're getting a little taste. I'm getting off right now. Yeah, it's perfect. I can talk to you guys and also just think about... Improve Boston? Yeah. I mean, there's so much room, but that's the issue is there's not enough room for improvement.

Whoa. That's what an alderman should run on or something. Build on the water. Raffed house. Oh, it's so expensive. Also, you have to think about... In the raft house. But you sell it.

You stupid motherfucker. Raft house. You're forgetting about the shipping lanes. Motion of the ocean. Oh, simpatico. It's more of a... There were... High tide.

We're in there. It's on the water. Yeah, and guess what happened? Great White happened. They all burnt. Damn. Yeah. Providence?

I mean, that's the start. We should get Winger. We should get Mr. Big. Everyone from who did, Here we go again on my own. White Snake? White Snake? Yeah.

So we got Great White already. Great White Snake. Big white snake. Yeah. Big old snake. on top of a great white, shredding, surfing. I like to think of the sharks shooting a gun. Doing jump rope with the snake.

Teen wolf. Yeah, Teen wolf on the back of the shark. The snake is doing back. The shark's making the snake look like it's his penis. Freaking out everyone at the aquarium. Snake hates it, but he needs the protection. The shark's in charge, and he knows the rules of this place. He doesn't want to play by him, but he asks to survive.

So, yeah, sharks do it thing where he, like, is flossing his butt cheeks with it. Like, it's a towel. Snakes like, it's a living. That'd be sick. It's a biome. Yeah.

My mortgage. Listen, being a dick and or a dowel, getting flossed and snapped at the boys, pays my rent. Well, I was thinking more about the fact that he was, It's an aquarium, so they're in prison. So this is like a, you know, he's being subjected. He's being exploited.

I mean, the butt floss is the least of his worries. You know? That's a walk in the park. Oh, fuck. And he's a black momba. You know? Whoa. I know, dude.

It sucks. Yeah. Kobe. Kobe. Getting in there. Yeah. It was revealed recently. that they tried to give that name to Michael,

and he was like, no, I don't, I'm afraid of snakes. What are you talking about? Black Mamba. Nike tried to give it to Jordan. Hmm. And he turned it down. When? I think right after they were calling him the Black Panther for ads.

Before Kobe. Yeah, before Kobe. But it was a Nike marketing idea they had had. And Michael Jordan, just after approving so many things, was like, no. He was like, snakes. I don't like snakes. Snakes don't buy shoes. Republicans buy shoes.

Snakes don't. So guess what? Snakes? I'm out of here. And then when he passed, they tried it on Detleff shrimp. It didn't make any sense. Whoa.

So I've been over here iterating upon who to go with. Initially, Rick Smits. Gregoster tag popped up. Rick Smith. Rick Smith would be funny. Yeah, yeah. Detliff was pretty perfect. Damn.

Yeah. He was fun, man. he was a fun guy yeah yeah i don't know he i was so obsessed with uh remember that show amad rshaad hosted NBA inside stuff yeah that was really cool thing it was awesome dude and sports illustrated for kids yes yeah the library was reading you got to see all those magazines on top of the books love the library and then i think i got to have inside stuff for a year i don't remember i feel like i i had them i think so i had wf magazine for all a while.

Yeah, until your mom opened it up. Saw what you did to the centerfold. Saw what was cut out of there and what was left. All the eyes were gone. Did a dog get a hold of this?

That was a Jewing on it. Did your magazines at your library come in like that kind of clear plastic binder? You know what talking about? You took that home? Yeah. I feel like maybe that.

Our newspapers were in that weird removed. if you took it home. Clear binder thing that you'd have to set down on the big table to like look at the... Yeah,

made the magazine very heavy and cumbersome. Yeah. Magazines weren't. The comic books, they could get those library-bound comic books. Yeah, yeah. That always made me super jealous as a kid.

They were, I don't know. I hated it because when they peeled, I would pick at it and that sound bothered me. Yeah. You know, it's just one man's a pin.

I found out those books are a fortune when I started being able to order them myself and was like, oh, why no one's ever tried to sell one to me. It's a $400 copy of Iron Man. I say keep it. I don't need Iron Man.

I never will need Iron Man. Iron Man books rule. A bunch of comics that I haven't read and Iron Man's drinking too much. He's hitting his old lady. All of his friends are turning on him. If I wanted that, I'd hang out with Lund eight years ago. All right. He's painting.

You're painting breach. Missing every time. Going, attacking you. just missing every time. I would have to wear her dress so you'd fall asleep in my bosom. I'd have to hold you while wearing her gown and her nighty. So he would get the smell because he was in such a blackout state that I could... Any port in a storm.

Yeah, I could corral him. You could hold him until he... What's crazy is like the people who don't black out and do what they do. Because like, hey, I'm barely even there. Barely counts. Because I don't remember any of it. There was no like, Oh, yeah, this is what I'm going to be up to for sure.

Like, no plan. So that's, I don't miss that at all. That's what everybody's going to do this weekend. Monday, they're going to be like, oh, my God. I drove so many times for sure. I was in New Hampshire. My credit card says I was in Concord. I got a lot of gas, so I drove a lot.

I'm going to be out there like this. Sunday. Ah! Freaking people out. On stage? No, on Sunday. Oh, getting out of here. Yeah, I'm going to wrap my belt around my fists.

Don't go to the parade. I'm going. Why? I'm going to reverse Wahlberg people. Yeah. I'm going to give Vietnamese people glasses. Oh, no. How far are we in?

It's fine. It's totally fine. There's no way we can get trouble for that. What? I'm going to help him see. That's better. No, it's better. Oh, God.

It's certainly better. Oh, man. Yeah, it's good. Oh, how about this? Well, yeah, go ahead. Classic fall hard asleep on the plane right here. Awesome. Wondering, is this plane going to be flown into a building?

Well, I hope I sleep through it. I wake up after sleeping for like two hours straight, which I don't do on planes. So I'm, it must have been a. a good ass sleep, but I'm awoken to like immediately seeing like six people standing up and it sucked. And for that second, it's like something's happening. And then immediately I see that no, one of the one of the attackers or defenders of freedom that have taken to the aisle in the trenches, hopefully save my ass as a baby. So I was like, oh, okay, we're okay.

That baby's not filled with explosives. Baby's not filled with holes. Baby has normal amount of holes The dad is not pissed It was crazy to wake up To just like yeah Six people standing Whoa on the plane

What the hell The plane hadn't landed We were in We were up there God knows where Damn God So yeah

Then it was back to Chavelle I thought I was sitting next to a cities In Skylines freak I told you But I couldn't confirm Because You should have taken pictures of her laptop. She was on a young lady

on her laptop. It looked like she was working and or group chats and shit. And then for like two seconds, I thought I saw your game and I was like, nope. And I couldn't look a bunch. What are you going to say in that point though? Oh, I know a guy. Cities and Skyline.

I know a guy. He likes it. I got to show a guy Catan on my phone because he was playing Catan on his phone. Check it out. But I wouldn't have said anything to her. I was excited to tell you. Cities and Skylines is going to be funded because a young woman is playing it. I really.

Is it huge? Is it a big deal? I mean, I don't know. I don't know modern gaming where it stands. I know that City Skylines 2 sucks, so no one plays it. I play City Skylines 1 because it's good. I just got the parks and promenades.

I was texting Shane on the plane today because he played it for a while. Shane Mouin Badiye? Yeah, Shane, yes. I wish. He played a plane. Detroit. I get to get tickets.

No, Shane Gillis, of the Belgian Gillises. He played it, and he said that he pumped a lot of money in DLC. He was familiar with DLC. Downloadable content. So I didn't know about this.

I got some DLC for like half off once, and it was like $8. And it was like six different things. And I was like, oh, this is reasonable price. and then no, no, no, no, no, no. There is... It's not always like that. You could spend thousands of dollars

making this game and do exactly what you wanted to be. There's like mods where you can change the lanes. Yeah. I mean, what the hell? I'm going to go through and change the lanes. Pick the lane that you like the most. And you're giving them money

for them to just like change one number in the system so that you can do all of the labor. So I can have gazebos. Yeah. And I can have fireworks in the parks at night. Yeah. That brings tourists. And then they spend the night in the hotel.

Traffic lights that make goddamn sense. Dude, I do so much traffic lighting all the time. Did you see the person that posted in the Reddit about a concern from someone playing the game about everybody being old but not dying? Oh, my God. What's that? You experience death waves in the game where your population, when you build one neighborhood, a bunch of people move in all at once. And then, you know, when time passes within the game, as it does very fast, you'll have entire neighborhoods die off. and you can't keep them alive with elder care

you can't put hospitals in the neighborhood and your cemeteries fill the fuck up man so then you just got a million different fires to put out and you don't have enough money for a new fire department use of the trees dude police yeah

oh dude you got 12 people in a big old tree oh god forbid your electricity goes out while you're unloading a cemetery what are you going to do how do you burn the bodies they pile up they're literally one of the biggest problems in the game is they don't come get a dead body and then the house becomes abandoned. You go see the... I've always kind of wondered how...

You go see the guys they're smoking and saying that there's traffic or there's a bad accident? Yeah. We're stuck. No. You can go see them. Yeah, you can zoom in on the city. Four miles away. Yeah. Just outside smoking.

Yeah. They're just shooting guns in an abandoned field. Just pop and fango bottles. Unless the body gets up and leaves where you said it is, then I'm going to go. get it. Well, guess what? So we're good. You're lowering property values all around there. And then what's the point? Yeah, I know it's it. Then you get, there's tweets in game.

There's tweets in game. And it'll be like, what do you do if your next door neighbor reeks? Why isn't anyone coming for this body? So that's what happens throughout the game. It'll be like, what a beautiful city. And then like, there's literally a body and it reeks. My kid knows what death smells like. Yeah, way to go. What to go? The mayor. Are you the mayor?

Mayor T I go by many names His benevolence King Crimson The Yellow Lord Gwangus Malone Beef They all hail me

They revere me I make sure the buses Run on time They have so many parks These people are so lucky I said to Shane I said I wish I could shrink you down And make you walk my city

Because it's perfect I said it makes Paris blush It's awesome, dude. I got canals. People are taking boat rides. Ferries are moving people from work all the way to their homes. It's awesome. Perfect.

I'm God. Big data center. I got this insane park preserve. Oh, there's no water. Yeah, they're bathing with bottled water. The water's gone. Yeah. It was beautiful for a few weeks.

Dude, I poisoned this beach because I misdug this canal line and it got where the sewage pump was supposed to be so it was just dumping shit and piss right where people were supposed to swim it was like on a beach volleyball court and people were getting sick at the beach volleyball court they still played no they were still showing up just hanging out yeah they're still lurking even though there was visible stink lines in the game I left I left my house to get away from the smell of shit and a dead body wrong people moved to Greeley for a long time yes they did I know I'm on shit beach dog shit avenue well That sounds fun.

And dogs are loud in the park. You played cities and skylines. I made shirts. The edit for my book, it's going to the copy. It's going to the printer. Nice. So I'm going to get ARs in my hand now. Nice.

Yeah, man. Lutie's Comedy Corner. That's right. Colorado Springs. I'm coming at you on the 20th and 21st. Crystal Bay Casino and Reno. Boy, howdy. 16% of that room is sold, baby.

That's pretty good. Not bad, man. Crystal Bay, Nevada. Come on out. Cobbs Comedy Club. Get those tickets. The 27th. 28th. I love Cobbs. Great room. Punchline, Houston and April as long as well as helium, Atlanta.

Added a Wednesday there, April 8th. Witsen, Charleston, Mike drop comedy in Detroit on the 15th, Tax Day, Raleigh Cap Brewing, Baton Rouge, Lafayette, New Orleans, Rosemont, Chicago, Madison, Wisconsin. Dr. Dr. Grins just added, go to Sam Talent on Punch Up, Sam Talent. That's where you get your tickets. Thank you. Get hatchets exhumed too Get that comic book that me and Joe and Van Eggers did I got it I'm fucking stoked It's sick dude

It feels so good in your hand too It's a nice object There's two stories in there T-O-O-B-I-G-T-O-Fail Dot Press to get hatchet's zoom For 20 bucks Keep Van and his dad out of jail I would love to

I don't know They said they were 18 I need to put chapstick on real quick Yeah Go do it You guys keep talking Is it in your room but you have to go to your room.

No. He's going to have your lotion. No, that's not going to be good. Yeah. Don't do it. You think that's, I have shabstick, but I have herp, I have herpos. But I'm not, I'm not molting. We know.

I'm not revolting. You're the herpo hippo. I stunk next to that young lady playing cities in sky. You stunk? You reeked your up? I didn't smell great. God. Knock it off.

I want to take off my deer hunter jacket. You got warm. Yeah. That's a first. Very good. It's cool now. You're like a little cat. What are you doing?

He's running the experiment. It's going to... If it has the right oils, it might burn. It's going to be cheap. If it's cheap, it will suck. Number one ingredients, water. Well, that's good. Water care of you.

That'll help. Number two ingredient, lip numbing powder. Oh, no. Cepsid. Pepper. What are we going to do? I like that weird? Don't do that.

It's borderline. What? Yeah. Something. You're nailing it. It's a deaf guy, right? Is deaf better? I forgot how big the Tesla screen is until our lift guy.

Oh, my God. What the fuck? You can see traffic in Salem, Worcester. It's too much. Just show me what... Meanwhile, my mirror doesn't work. Giant screen. I'm ripping around.

fucking Detroit today trying to get the airport side mirror won't move when it's the auto it's mechanical yes I couldn't see shit oh his fingers crossed whole time really just crank and sepeltura I said fuck this I'm Lund I'm retiring too I kept I'm out first I'm done have fun baron the cross I have to do the rest you're doing it yeah you're in yeah you think you're gonna retire leave me to have what oh go it on top Noah open See you later 15 I'm out of here

You're crazy It's you and me You're nothing So if you quit I quit too And you're depraving them Depriving Oh yeah

That's no quicker way for me to Get my back blown out Oh yeah Double barrel You'd be that snake man They'd be the shark You took him away from me

You motherfucker The only reason I gave a fuck The only reason I'm alive. People say a lot of stuff. I said it tonight. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He meant it.

Fucking Hedgy B. Oh, yeah. Old Squigmar. Gosh. God bless them all. What a fella. All the Bostonians. They laughed.

Oh, yeah. It was nice because the last time I was here, I thought I kind of wore it and or ate it. Not for a whole set, at least like never feeling like oh yeah that was good like solid as hell which i wanted you to host this time should i usually get one of them to 18 yeah well 17 light him at 15 to do seven 16 to 17 we're gonna have the host lung goes up we're gonna do a raffle dance contest yeah white boy dance contest for st patrick for same patch yeah um no i was like fuck i didn't i didn't get him whatever uh and then

what's her name brianna's husband Al is like you fucking you said something about how your special came out before you came here I was like oh shit so that was part of it and that was a relief yeah and tonight was very fun one show gotta go

I like that two show no no no thanks I sell three if you want me to sell three I can usually sell three so when you get to four and then you got a couple split up in there just let me do three a thousand tickets

900 tickets this weekend. You want four, but less is more. Yeah. They forget. You won five? I'm no longer alive. Doing 15 to zero. On the live stream this week.

We're doing Monday this week, by the way. Why? Because we're flying to Colorado on Tuesday. All right. We're going to be out of it. Luny's Comedy Corner all next weekend, Colorado. I haven't promoted it at all. The early shows are sold out.

So get those tickets. Looney's Comedy Corner. Colorado. I won't be back until November. You do the math. On the live stream, there was a guy on there. There's two guys on there being nasty little worm people saying nasty stuff. About you, Pat? Just about everything in general, being mean to each other, being mean to people in the chat. I would be like, can you guys hear me? They'd be like, no, even though people could. Trying to swing. They're swinging their flails. They had casts on and they were spinning. So, but by the end of it, I flipped them because I kept saying, you know, look, I know that a couple of you guys are being. and nasty in there and you're looking for someone to say something to you. But my heart breaks for young men in this country.

He relied to. And now your soul pays the toll. So, boys, this is a nice place where we can get along. And then one guy was like, I'm sorry. Love from Pittsburgh. And then the other guy was like, was I the other dick? And I was like, yes, Max. MaxiPads, as I remember his name.

I was like, yes, you were the dick. And he was like, oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were goofing around. So they both apologized. And I was like, this is progress. This is a good thing. Yeah, yeah, you know. Live stream is a fun place.

I'm just going to be talking to people. I'm done having guests. All the guests have butt fucked me. Why? Tim Butterly was good, but he couldn't hear me half the time. Oh. Bory didn't have a microphone. Alec Flynn wore a headset.

Yeah, Flynn's audio was. Flynn. What do you think? It looked like Katie Perry. God, it's like you have the closest, you're so close to a huge career in show business. Get a microphone. Yeah.

Get a microphone, you little jag, maybe he'll get Montreal next. Yeah, he was filming it on like a fucking, you know, what are those? A razor phone. A burner. Yeah. It's like, come on. Well, because he doesn't want his phone to fill up.

I get it. So he gets the burner. Yeah. Yeah. For filming. So, I'm just going to be on there, answer in questions. Are you doing radio here? No.

I wanted to do Tatcher. And whoever called into Tatcher, that ruled. That was cool. I emailed and then the guy got back this morning. and said, sorry, man, it was buried under a bunch of song requests. I didn't know if they were doing. Or not requests. Song submissions?

Submissions. We're like sepeltura, but better, but harder. Can you play haywire again? So, song submissions buried me, but thank you forever reached out. Bon Jovi, please. So, more jovi. Here's a new funny thing me and Pat are going to do. We are going to film me at various locations.

locations around Detroit looking somber looking dower kind of like you know heavy-hearted crestfallen and then uh over some like very dramatic music I'm going to read texts that Susanna sends me on her mom's voice to text because some of them are very brutal so imagine me like looking at it like an abandoned doc or like kicking a bottle in a factory that's you know decrepit yeah and then just me, you are a poopie. You stink like a rat and you always get to do what you want to do, but you are a rat. And you like to pee on the floor and on the windows and on everything. You like to pee on the couch, pee on the door, pee in the car, pee on grass, pee in the couch, pee on the fence, especially the fence.

You love the fence. And I responded, it might be a rat, but you are a snake and you crawl around and bite people and slither through trash and poop and pee that me and my rat friends leave behind. So a pretty fair in ballast response. 10 for tat. Okay. Let her know. Susanna's response. I'm not going in the mud.

Baby Sam is going in the mud, okay, baby? And he has a big giant rat that he says that he is a little baby that sucks in the mud and he goes in the mud and he loves going in the mud. But he says he's not nice and he does not like his friends. What? He says that he's not nice and he does not like his friends. She heard it. What a character assassination

that was. She's around you a lot. And then today she picked up on that. She's figuring it out. You gave her the tool. I mean, they do just repeat

whatever you say. This one today was just a bunch about how I have do-do. I'm a do-do pee-pee. but then at the end he has a butt he doesn't have slime and I do and then a picture

of her holding slime in the car it's like what the fuck this is just what she's like oh time to terrorize Uncle Sam Fatality yeah time to clock in at the murder factory so yeah just like a series of that

and then me dramatically reading them I think would be funny fuck yeah Pat's idea Bonzo's flying out to Detroit he'll be there on Monday Nice yeah he's gonna be there the whole week that I'm gone. It's perfect.

Him and Pat in the lab. He's going to be in there with Pat. Just fucking who- yeah. Yeah.

Feet to the fire. It's going to rule. No, I think so. Yeah. I'm excited for that. Pat says he's going to have an episode, the last Colorado episode

done of Wide World on Monday. Oh. That's what he says. And that him and Bonzo are going to like try and crack the code on Rome the entire time. I know.

Rome. So that's what we're doing the live streams. I want to drive eyes to the YouTube, keep the YouTube consistent. And then when these drop, it's coming. Yeah. We'll be like cool. Shit's coming for real.

They actually have been- I'm putting out Donnie Townsend special on Sunday. That's cool. Yeah, I saw that. And Sunday. Whoa. Yeah, that's great. I'm glad.

Because, yeah, we have been saying that it would be sick to see Pat work as magic on the shit that we still done did, that we haven't done yet seen. But we did it. And now they get to get it. Oh, yeah. And they were being, they were pretty damn nice. I don't know if they were DMing Pat saying that needs to go to 15. Yeah, go 15 to zero.

And then, yeah, express checkout. Yeah, beat the rush. There weren't enough elevators. Oh, God, how about you? We're in an elevator. There's high school kids everywhere. Yeah, this was for a high school kid conference. Deca's here.

Deca, whatever that is, decadence. It's some kind of business conference for high schoolers. Young achievers or something, yes. A competition. It's a nerd sport. I wasn't sure, so I asked. Yeah. Two young ladies are in our elevator and what?

One of them said. I said, what's Deca? She said it's like a business thing for high schoolers. And then she says, you said from all of New England or what? And she said Massachusetts. And then she said, it must be annoying. all these high school all these high schoolers in here

and I said yeah I hate it but this guy loves it which you will say to adults every other time anytime there's a kid involved not I try to get it in like

don't leave them around him though not ideal to most adults because even though you're an adult you don't have kids and some people they don't fuck around like that of course but then with a fucking actual high school kids.

Not everyone has a great sense of humor. Luckily, they didn't pepper spray all of us. I mean, it's like, what? You're going to be mad at me? I surely have a better sense of humor. Come on, trust me. I'll get you into the club. Yeah, this guy's a pervert. Ladies, have fun out there. You also hit them on like the back of their heads

as they exited the... I didn't touch the women. No, I mean, you smacked. No, you smacked. I was a pervert on the exit. Yeah. Well, this guy loves it. Yeah. And I was like, I was swall in my tongue. I was trying at the lap. God, I was passed out, dude. I was awesome.

What do you mean? It was an awesome thing to do. It was really funny. And I stand behind it. Two 17-year-olds, I was like, oh, yeah, this guy, watch out. The guy has just been hanging out in the lobby and smoking cigarettes outside for an hour and a half. So I couldn't tell if you reeked like SIGs or if those young women just had cigarettes. I think they just had cigarettes.

I think they did. Which was classic, like Thespians Conference, speech and debate. Anytime you got to go. Oh, student council, we used to pound Marlboro lights. They smelled like Marlboroughs and like good girls would smoke too. Like Melanie, dude, Sammy Lough. Like we were smoking Sigs, man. Sneaking away and then spraying ourselves down with like bed bath and beyond like face mist.

Everybody smells like, I said taste. Everybody smells like pears. Really? You guys all got the same and you guys all rock that same pear smell. Sam, you too. Oh yeah, I'm an idiot. No, no, we were all making out. You guys got.

Okay, just kidding. You guys got the discounted pear spray because apparently some cigarettes got involved. You smell like fair and cigarettes. And so you got a good deal on it, huh? You guys smell like a pair, a pair of butts. Put them out. Who's got them? Smokes.

Smokes. Smokes pifer. Sam, if you're struggling with ED, listen up. Becker, this is for you too. He doesn't need E.D. He broke dick to death of him? He broke dick bastards. Can't spell Deca without E.D.

Listen up, slap nuts. Look, Deca's for some guy stands for Don't Ever Come again. But it doesn't have to. All right. It can stand for dick every cool ass. Yeah. All right. Well, you're struggling with something.

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There is that to take into consideration. Yeah, you have to send a picture of your penis. Yeah, smoking in high school was such a thrill. I didn't clock that. My clocked Becker when he showed up when we were checking in. Oh yeah, you walked how much, a bunch? Yeah. A couple hours out and back around.

Yeah. He didn't go through the commons, but that's not that far, is it? I mean, you got the north end is like a mile away And that was where you tried to get all the pastries But it was cash only All around the north end and looked at all that And that's south of here Cross the bridge and walked yeah

Walked from like where Summer hits the wharf And walked along the green belt To the north end Kept striking out cash only Yeah Like it was like 1800s Boston town Gangs of New York

You were in Jenga I'm going back with cash Try to get some Capicole It's cash only I wonder You are real American What should we do tomorrow

With our day? Nothing We should probably go make a bunch of Italian food Dispere To watch T2 Modern pastry Let's go get pastry He's super

Super able to do nothing Now too Because he took an extra toast So now he needs nothing Oh yeah He needs nothing Oh I set the record Yeah you guys have to watch me

Golly I took a hero Midnight Cowboy. Hero dose. Yeah. I didn't know. It took a heroic dose of Osempin. I thought it was.

It was it a Dr. Dipshit situation? Maybe we're both in the wrong. Let's both take the hell on this one. I don't think that she said anything about it being a more concentrated. She's very busy. I know. And I don't like to bug her. She expects he would read your medicine.

I read. it. I thought it was wrong. You read it and you forget it. No, because I thought, hey, she just tried this to switch places. Shit happens. Whatever. So it's insane that I did that. Who know? Like, if there were bad side effects, I would have had no idea that I would have died. Pretty crazy. He filled up the whole syringe. I did my old dose. He has a hyper-concentrated liquid from this new pharmacy that we're getting our medicine from. And he took the same dose. Emily gave me, it was like, you know, my dose, I was supposed to take, I was taking 0.8 or 8 units was I was taking. The amount that she fed me was like a grain of rice.

It was like, it was like how they would like dose opium to children in like the 1880s. Yeah. That's the amount of medicine that I took. And I was like, are you sure that's enough? And she says, yeah, yeah. Meanwhile, you were like. William Burroughs. Yeah.

He filled up the whole meal. He took more than a double dose, you think? No. Not more. He blasted all the way off. I did 100 instead of 60. He's not here. A couple more grams than the highest recommended dose.

So he took grams. I took microbes. Milligram. Milligram. Not gram. I'm not grammed out. Not Graham. I'm not Graham Nash.

Yeah, you are. I'm Byron Graham. I'm still kind of young. Speaking of buying gram, Chicago, Zanese dates just went up in May. Get those tickets. We're there for like six days. Hell yeah. Yeah.

The last. Yeah, right. Well, tell them about this. You're doing needle drugs. You're retiring from comedy? Well, I finally did get a hero dose of Monjaro, and it not only stopped me from eating too much, it allowed me to think more. It's like, I got to stay home where it's safe. You've letting the internet shake you.

I'll probably stay home. No, I was thinking out loud. I love doing this. You know, this show was like, oh, yeah, that's why you do it. is but yeah i don't know we'll see there's a bunch of kids there tonight we gotta we gotta teach them about comedy if there's um you know another 9-11 part t2 you want to watch the movie but you don't want to live it i'll probably kick it at the church start praying amen inshila allow him to find you i'm moving with you you can come stay

with me whenever it's safe banning creach bring be no but then i don't well it's just me but yeah, I don't go open for you. I live at your house. That's the last thing I need in the apocalypse. So it's me and Pat. A sick dog who spazes when the frisbees come too quick. It's me and Pat. Yep.

And your wife. At that house. What's happened to me? You come and go. No, I'm saying we don't. Well, I guess so Pat opens for you. Okay. But I don't.

No. I'm at your house. You're doing the dishes. I clean. I do stuff. We could have a great life if you guys would just move to Detroit. If you guys would just move there, you know. Just do whatever.

you... I happen to people. Pay us to do. I mean, come on. Creach would love Detroit. It's all cool people trying to build stuff. I'm ready to do it,

especially after my ticket. He's ready to do it after his ticket. Because you got a speeding ticket? Yeah, I drive too much. I'm too willing to speed because I'm doing it all the time. Oh, that drive. Yeah.

Gotcha. Come to Detroit, we have great public transport. You didn't have Google Maps up? Or Apple map? Yeah, and you know, I just shut it off. I just shut it off because I got on that last stretch of the HOV to 104. And I was like, my phone's about

to die. You've seen him follow a GPS too. It doesn't go well. When I'm alone and in a car, I know I'm pretty good. All right. Because on the screen there, we've had, we've been in rental cars. It'll be on the screen. It's the whole thing.

And also, some of those were not just him. Yeah. I was there. It did it to me while I was walking. Yeah. It was telling me to go through fucking buildings. When Megan is with me, she'll be like, oh, yeah, you know, it's nice that I can help you. open stuff because she knows I'm eating and drinking, jacking.

Sure. Watching, watching stuff, speeding. She won't help with. So she thinks she's helping me, but then she does not have a good time with Google Maps. No. Yeah. You're the king. Not at once.

No, no. Oh, twice. I'm the king. Twice more than you. Yeah. I've only done it twice. I've done more than twice. Oh, you thought I was, I told you both times.

Yeah, that was it. No. I thought. It was like old hack that you quit telling us about it. No. No. That's funny. It was like built in. Built to spill.

New steering wheel cover. No, that's, I'm glad we cleared that up. Yeah, that's where we're wearing a mask. Before we say goodbye. Before. What the fuck? Yeah. You figured I did it a lot.

That was fun for you. Right, but like 50% of the time. No, I just thought that like the same way you don't do. like always get a black rifle coffee for some reason. It's like you get a black rifle, you jack, you go to Taco Johns. I switch up to food. Sure. It's been Del Taco the last couple times.

Del tacos, see. Because it was gone. It wasn't in Colorado, yeah, for like six, eight months. What if we get a pizza delivered? Would you eat any pizza? I'm sure we can get some. Not you. Yeah.

I OD. You're Graham Nash. Yeah, I'll eat pizza with you. All right. That'd be all right. Yeah. I'm thinking dominoes. Yeah.

I just had dominoes. They're running a $999 anything. What? Yeah. Stuff? Do these stuff crossed? They don't. They're the respect. I'm going to have to go thin.

I'm a thin man. I used to make out with people with the thin man. You can't decide what you are. I thought about how you've been so thin for so long now. Well, man, this kid came to the merch line in Minneapolis and he asked me about like, he went to a party at the thin man or something. He's like, you ever been to the thin man? He was like, yeah? He's like, you ever been to that basement?

I was like, man, I got head in that basement. Jesus. No way. It was during my miracle run. During what? When the Vine Street ladies were letting it happen. All the ladies at Vine Street said, come and give it. Come and give it over here.

Well, I'll take that. Check please. Yeah, we'll have a little of that. Come on. Yum. What was going on at the Thin Manor or down there? Anything that I wanted. I won the Vine Street debates.

I headlined. I walked over there. I was like, all right, I'll be in the basement, ladies. Take a number. We have a co-check. Yeah. I was like Leo. I had headphones on.

I was in the dark smoking. I was listening to like last podcast on the left. Henry Lucas, that rascal. No, no, I can come again. Come on. Jeez. Yeah. It was a sexually decadent time.

Ubi-Subi. You were there? The Ubi's, I wasn't down there. I put the name in the Ubi-Subi room. I put the Ubi in the Subi. Yeah. Ube. Oh, man.

It was cool down there. You got the root down. No, I got the root. Jeez. But now I'm happily married and wouldn't trade it for the world. Really wouldn't. You think about the Ubi-Subi room? Well, I didn't until that kid was like, tried to fucking, you know.

Big Dog Yule? Vine Street check me. It's like, oh, yeah, I've done some damage on 17th, you little pussy. It's probably your sister or something. Your mom. That's probably your mom. Your mom probably gorped me. When were you born?

Oh, yeah. Oh, 9? Yeah. Good thing you can't get pregnant through the butt, kid. Move it along. Back of that. Sacks that. Moving along.

Yeah. Well, you know, God, hurt people, hurt people. Yeah. Because I was safe at the former blue room to not get bean dipped. Uh-huh. But then I smacked down. in the back of the head. Yeah, you did.

You beefed him. He was high as well. Yeah. With his dad. Yeah, it was dad. He slapped him in the back of the head on your way to the stage. And then you triple-edged. You spit water all over?

No. Yeah, it was cool. Skankfest. Yeah, I was play the game. I was trying to spit water at Dick Stinkly. That fan. And the fan blew it onto a non-fan. Remember?

That guy didn't like us at all. Set up front. Didn't like us. I kept that. You know us, didn't know us. Got water spit in his face by me right away. By Lund. I look.

He's a Lund guy. Gross. And the camera, it'll never be a Lung guy. Doesn't catch it. Like the water doesn't highlight right in the lighting in that room. The angles we caught because it was so cartoonish, how straight out it was going. And then it hit that fan and just fucking. I was really confused.

90 degree turns. It took a 90 degree turn to hit that man. It was nuts. I like when you do, you know, scorpion-esque attacks from the stage. Get over here. Poison mist. I should have done green mist. You should have, yeah.

Tajiri. That guy's like wearing a ceremonial robe and you stain it with moon mist. And me and Pat went to Johnny's original noodle king in Detroit. God, it sucked. I don't even know what that is. It was a restaurant that everyone says is good. Chili spaghetti? No, ramen.

all types of that kind of crud. It took forever. It was overpriced and it was bad. I took a bite of Pat's broth. He was like, yeah, it's mid and I took a bite and he was like, it might be worse than mid. I was like, yeah, it's bad. It just tastes bad.

Yeah. It's like someone washed their hands with the broth. Well, and you don't usually have to worry about that with so many of the noodle places. No, no. There's a decent bar, right? It's hard to fuck up. It's not in the basement. No.

It's on the UB.S. You don't usually don't hate it. I didn't have my headphones on. I wasn't just laying casket style getting slurbed while someone fed me noodles. Oh, yeah. I was in the Revenant. You were a great wall guy, right?

Kidding me? Yeah. Dude, Ho-ho's was the move. I didn't get it a lot. I was right there. My dad would sometimes drive us to Arapaho Road and we'd go to Ho-ho's, which was Buck a Scoop. But good or no?

My dad had a rhyming name for it. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yep. It was a dollar of scoop. in like 1999

I was so fat spend $5 in there just like I was like you with the Mungaro just like in that what is it the Bose speaker at

or whatever where the kids No Sony Dolby that might be Dolby pinned pinned by orange chicken not a vegetable

five dollars not one vegetable All protein and sugar. That was the mutants at that one All You Can Eat. Remember that family came in and they were picking no green beans, no broccoli. It was all beef and chicken. You're not paying for crap. Remember the whole family, like nobody went and put their stuff down.

They all went to the food immediately. And like the youngest, stickiest. Yes. was like hands, just like hands in the pudding. That was nuts. The hill people, they were crazy. Where were we? I don't remember where we were.

Where was that? I don't remember. Is that in Wisconsin? Were you there? Yeah, there was in like, Was the three of us? Some of the dishes were. It's like you jerking off thicker.

Wasn't with Richard Lockhart. Sorry, I have a weird itch on my thigh. What's in there? Roadjack. Somebody else was with us. It wasn't the garter. I don't know. No. It doesn't matter at all?

Let's figure it out. No. People like to know. If it was. I'm just curious where we work because those were weird people. Richard Lockhart? I don't think it was in. Richard Lockhart, he wasn't there for sure.

Yeah, yeah, it wasn't him. You ever met Richard Lockhart? I don't think so. He's the pride of Tuscaloosa, Alabama comedy. No. He looked like an Armadillo who worked at Hot Topic. He looked like Silent Bob for quite a while. I don't think he does anymore.

But he had the long hair and a mustache too. Beard. Yeah. Shout out Lockhart. I miss those guys. I haven't done Bamer. It's been a while. God. I'm doing Atlanta. You're so busy. I want to do all the fun runs, man. Atlanta.

I want to do a Jair Dog Dantley run for my 40th. I want to do a Jair Dog run. What's that? You remember Jeremy Jairdog Dantley? I guess not. Who gave you your wrestling road in a robe and Tama Island? Oh, that dude. He's an empire of one-nighters. Oh, yes, yes. I knew this. Yeah. And it would be fun to do like, you know. Me in the rope. Like Columbus, Nebraska, Tama, Iowa.

60 minute draw. Thumb, Illinois. Thumb. No, it's not. Luxembourg, Wisconsin. Come on. What? These are not real.

Prove it. Iron cross, Minnesota. How many? I don't know. How many gigs? 50 states and 50 days. 50 for 50. Prove I still have it.

We got a hot tub. Emily and Patwin got an inflatable hot tub. Crazy. Playable? Emily allowed that. Hey. Whoa. She's pretty cool. You know what else is cool?

Being a chubby behemoth fan. Yeah, I guess. That's one of the coolest things you can be. We're cool, huh? If you're in here in the trenches with us, you know, making it happen, polishing the stones. Chubby and the bees. I like to think you're laughing and you're not learning. And that's really the crux.

We're not playing chubby checkers. We're playing chubby chess. No. And if you want to play chess with your money, Ridge wallet. Sure. I love Ridge. That's a fun game, putting your money in your wallet. I noticed you had a new Ridge product tonight. I did.

No, dude. I don't think they're available to the public yet. I got it. I had a suitcase that I travel with my merch and I get home the other day. And it's like there was never a way to open the zipper ever. It was wrecked. The housing for the zipper, like this whole part as well as the tag for the zipper, the tab. they're not there.

It's just missing. The old suitcase. The one, and that is not old. I got that in like North Carolina last year. But the non-ridge one. Non-rich, the big one. This rich guy is made out of old Sherman tanks. Yeah.

It's fucking sturdy. It's like what you get for your boyfriend if he's a Marine. You get his wedding ring made out of the same material. I love Rich. I also, the only thing that charges my damn phone and is... Right here in this purse is the pocket charger. Yeah, dude. I don't know where it is, but it's got to be somewhere around here.

Had it magnetized to a thing in the green room. I did. It was stuck to the fridge. Great magnet. Yeah, I love Ridge. Ridge, great products. Never lose your wallet again with the Ridge Tracker card. I think that's a cool move. It looks just like a regular card, but it functions like an air tag, so it's nice and thin.

It's like that spaghetti you like. You know? Angel hair. Oh, that's what I have. It's slim. It's like an air tag. It's discreet. It's the best way to keep it.

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essentials. Check out their power banks, which I check out every night before bed because it's the only thing that will charge my phone. My phone is not working. Yeah, that's where the internet is. your phone oh yeah also i use their keycase if i had my suitcase in here it's just all rich stuff we're out in your room you don't have a room no i live out there and their luggage i have the luggage i'm using so yeah i'm using their power bank i'm using their luggage i'm using their key

all three things that are underlined i use every day you're a rich guy ridge is cool uh i like their stuff it's easy to use it's sleek you don't look stupid like you're trying too hard i don't know less is more rich no matter what you can get free shipping. Oh yeah. I put a fucking fricator on his ass. He thinks it's a credit card.

He thinks he's going to get a bunch of funco pops. He's a Dave and Buster right now. I'm getting bummed down. Yeah. He's fucked. Yeah, but I know where you are. Yeah, it has 99 day risk free trial lifetime warranty

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And that's why you're here. So yeah, get that stuff. I like it. You got the springs in the middle of a lot of big cities. I mean, look. You're not in Tama anymore. I mean, shout out, shout out Eric and everyone at Loonies,

but it is funny to be at Loonies. Yeah. You know? It's funny to be at a place that was like a huge deal. I did for New Year's once. Like, doing Loonies was a huge deal to me.

And then for a while I was like, oh, I don't think I should have to do Loonies anymore. Springs is different though. I tried three Cs for a while. It's pretty cool. And also I didn't have enough steam so Eric like still kept paying me

the same amount of money. He'd like always paid me, you know? It slowly went up. up incrementally after the 12th time or whatever. But now this time I hit him up, I was like, hey man, could I have this deal? And he's like, oh, yes, for sure. So, nice. Yeah, it'll be cool to be back there where it all started.

Fuck you. It's the closest comedy club to my house. Yeah. Your dad will be there. My dad, Dave will be swinging it. On the pro. Bottomless Dave. They opened up the relationship.

He's doing whatever he wants. Gross. He's doing whatever he wants. Yeah. He's on his farewell tour. It's going great. You and Dave should do it together. Yeah, it be like when Kiss retires every three years,

you and my dad, Dave and Lunt, one last hurrah. The sunset ride. The first time for the last time. Forever. For a good time. What are we at? 47. Oh, not bad.

What else? I don't know. What else happened to me this week? But fuck to get in Minnesota, of course. Yeah. Yep. What did you do? Oh, shout out Gabe, huh?

Shout out to fucking little squeaky Gabe. Yeah. I had my flight left at 6.30 after the whole issues in Minnesota. I had to reschedule the Sunday. The only flight I could get home was Monday at 640. I'm eating lunch with Aidan McCuskey, Elliot, and Trey Charles. And at 4 it says you're not going to make your connection in Chicago. I say, to the airport, boys, I get there.

And then as soon as I just, I look at the board and I see what's going on, I just walk up. And I'm like, fuck you. Hey. And then it was just like I went deaf. Yeah. As she told me like, yeah. This is how you're not seeing your family again for this amount of time. I was just like, suck it.

take it take it so people were power bombing me smacking you in the back of my head some guy came up and gave me the crippler cross face and i was just like yeah i'll angle to touch angle yeah and then i'm saying things like yeah i'll take a middle seat or uh connects in houston you know that kind of stuff yeah uh-huh and then she's like you can go to chicago tonight and chill and i was like i'd rather stay here i'd either just leave here. It's 5 o'clock. I can go to the hotel. I can just veg out. And she was like, cool, Mall of America. I was like, yes, Mall of America. That sounds great. That'll be fun. I'll walk over. So I go to the Mall of America Hotel. It's not as close as where it says it is. But I'm like, I'm going to walk. It's cold. It's so cold. Although if I didn't, I didn't go. Everything was closed inside by the time. Everything was closed inside. Yeah, you were there for like 15 minutes of being open. It was very cold.

Did you have a day there? Yeah. At the mall? Yeah. Did you talk about it on the pub? A little bit. But I walked like three laps around the mall and then went through the... Yeah. I was fucking corked.

Oh yeah, but old Gabe brought me weed. Yeah. I was like, Gabe, do you live anywhere near the Mall of America? And he was like, oh, yeah, I live right there. And then he was over in like seven minutes. Nice. And I got so fucking high because he had some novelty join. He gave us that Blue Dream, which was great, which is that stuff that was it blueberry.

Blue Dream. Blue Dream. That's the weed that got you so high you couldn't find your Uber or your Airbnb. and B. You went into the wrong house. Well, that wasn't. I really wasn't high when I did that. That was in the day.

Okay. Well, that was just me being dumb. That was me being dumb as hell. Yeah, it was great. The benefit of the doubt. It was really great. But now I have my doubts. Yeah, he came over and he smoked some novelty joint.

Then I got like having to move around like I was shadow boxing high. It was so cold. My head was cold. So yeah. Shout out, Gabe. Just say I put a couple canals in that night. Fuck yeah Ditch digging

Oh I duck Put the old people In the canal You can't move a cemetery Unless it's completely empty But eventually you get a crematorium And then you just It goes 24-7

Yeah I was on with that in real life Because like they haven't built a new cemetery In Colorado Springs in my lifetime I don't know Maybe you've been dead a hundred years No but I mean like There's never new cemetery

Yeah, I don't know. I think there's always room with the cemetery. Do they empty out cemeteries? I don't know. I think they bury on top. But they have to be X amount. You have to be six feet down.

I think they're stacking them up like princess in the pea situation. I really wonder what happens with that. I don't know. You talked about removing all the bodies from your cemetery like a week and two weeks ago. It's been in my head ever since like, what is going on?

We had an issue. We had to have our cemetery cleared and I paid like a little extra money to have it done. helicopter. But the helicopter crashed during a disturbed concert. And they all hit

during let the bodies hit the floor. Drowning pool. Fuck. Hell yeah. Thank God you're here. So what else is going on, boys? Anything.

I got that, I got a ticket yesterday. Oh yeah, we're going 26 over and a 55. Jake, I heard you got a ticket yesterday. Yep, and now I got to go to court on April 21st, which is bullshit.

There was a riot on the streets. That's inconvenient for everything I want to do in April in the time we have off. So I'm going to call the court on Monday and see if I can move it, but I probably can't. I mean, you should just say that you're a sovereign citizen. You can get away with it anywhere. It's Trinidad, Colorado.

It's Denver. I got the ticket in Denver. Yeah, there's no one free up there. You said by 104th? Yeah, probably between 58th and 88th, like right before I got out where I would have been in different jurisdiction, probably not getting fucked as hard. How fast? I was going 81 and a 55. Pissed.

You were pissed? Oh, yeah. Why were you pissed? I had been in terrible traffic. I really needed to go to the bathroom. I had to shit. He was going to shit. Yeah.

He was going to dump his swamped car. I was going faster in the HOV than I normally would have been. I also slowed down a bunch because I saw the cop had already pulled somebody else over. And when I came around the bend, I saw him. So I, like, got on my brakes. So he clocked me at 81. I was probably going closer to 100 before that. I went 150 miles an hour.

You psycho. But I had to crap really bad. And then when the cop came up to the window, I was honest with him. And I was like, hey, I'm sorry. I have to go to the bathroom really bad. It's an emergency. And he was super cool, like, license and registration. Then when I told him, like, I'm trying to find my insurance card on my phone.

digital. Give me one second. He was like, you have insurance? I was like, yeah, he's like, I believe you. I was like, thank you, sir. Do you have pants insurance? He goes to his car, gets back in his car, sits down, does like this. The guy's shit in there. You hear him over the radio. He shouldn't there. He sat down for a split second. It was immediately walking back. He smelled your ID. And I was like, thank God, this is a cool cop. He's going to give me a warning and I get to leave.

And they got up to the window and was like, have to give you a citation. You're going 26 over. So you have to go to court. Six points. Be there on April 21st. Bring the pants. We'll see if you'll knock some points off if you show the pants. Don't crap yourself. And I was like, thank you.

And I was still glad that he did it that fast because I think it was three, I was telling one, like three minutes at most between when he pulled me over and I was already back on the road. Were the pants pooped or no? Nope, I made it. Tell the truth. Tell the truth. No, then I couldn't shit. I had to shit so bad. And then when I got to Mike, because of the nerves of getting pulled over and shit.

You were nervous because Mike was wearing lipstick. He had makeup on Didn't know what to do That would be worse He's like you're late He's sitting at the table He has a whole roast chicken A bunch of vegetables

The candles are melted Half a bottle of wine Said you would be here at 7 That would be fucked I prepped the toilet for you Jake I warmed it up for you That did make me angry That then when I got there

I was like No I can't go to the bathroom Man I don't go to the bathroom It's all of my motivation though For a while I get it. Holding on to it. Making it your butts problem.

I don't think anyone's going to go to Montreal with me. I don't. I think I'm just going to go up there and be gay by myself, man. Well, I didn't know if that was even, uh, I don't think I want to go with anyone. Do you ever be buy tickets? No. Yeah. You don't want to go, Bonzo.

Patrick doesn't want to go. I see. Yeah, you and I are just going to go to Montreal together. I'll see you in a week. It'll be okay. you know you can have some time at home to get more tickets he's not going because i don't know fading away he's on tic talk or whatever i'm burning out and fading away yeah uh yeah sorry becker i don't know it's fine i don't need to have a gay vacation in the middle of it now what i've

court in the middle of it now good perfect see it's the perfect crime i'm doing you the favor i think i'm going to do ottawa while i'm up there too a little show in montreal all i heard was that you would rather die in amsterdam than live on your knees yeah That's what I said. Yeah, you were like, I don't know. Aren't you scared about the war? And I was like, fuck that. I said, yeah, I said, I don't know if I want to, you know, I was, I wasn't really

thinking about going because I thought people were going to go. And I didn't have to. Nobody could be mad at me. Yeah. Because I'm already gone all the time with you. I can't go to another romantic place with you. Oh, God forbid. You're your good friend.

Go on vacation together. No, I know. But I can, I need to plan stuff with Megan, too, and I don't. And I've heard this story over and over. So that's why I'm like, well, why don't you just go to Amsterdam with me since, you know, you and her can go to Retone tomorrow. Retone had a 12-hour blackout. They couldn't, they didn't have any, and guess what, the rats and the snakes took to the street. Scorpions had their own festival.

The rats started to play. It was the purge. 400 people were dead. It sucks. It's so scary. It's just screaming. Being in Raton with the lights off. It's a 12-hour.

Ghost in the graveyard in Rotone. New Mexico. The ghosts came out. They came back. They're like, oh, all right. It's our time now. The Ritone. Rats on.

They're just dropping out of trees. But yeah, it's okay. I wanted to go, but then I didn't want to, I was like, fuck. I've been literally saying I always want to spend a week in Montreal. And when I said that, my wife said, when have you ever said that? And I said, well, I say it enough. Look at you every day. I hear your shit.

Every single day. Yeah. No, I think a lot of the time Emily is just like this, like at her laptop, like, you know, like putting in notes that she forgot about doing six hours earlier, didn't have the time to do. Killing somebody. And then, what if I walked like this? You know? In Montreal. Right.

Yeah. Or I could try on like a sideways thing. Montreal style. She's just like, hasn't slept for 20 hours. She's like, yeah, yeah, it's a good dance. I'm like, very good. I got to sit back down. Wait my turn to bother her some more.

But yeah, I mean, I can go to Montreal and have a nice time. It's right there. They have a really good cherry blossom situation. So it'll be all good. I love you both. You don't want to go. You do. But what are we going to do?

Hold hands in Montreal. It puts a lot of pressure on us. So, yeah, I'm just going to go. Be me. Sam T. I'm free. I'm crying. I'm gay.

Yeah, I'm going to be crying in there. We have to pod. Sure. Pod. You guys have a blast. You have a meet up. Go to the church. Yeah, I'm in international waters.

Look, he retires. That means he has to pull more weight on the pot. Pull more butt. Gillis hasn't been on Matt and Shane's in months, you know? He's making a TV show. I'm doing me. I'm out there, baby. I'm loving every minute of it.

Do hot ones. I got to do more gay research for books. Please do hot ones. They don't want me on hot ones. Come on. It's because I'm the most famous guy you know. I mean, the internet is also fired up. for Sam T.

Maybe when the book comes out that I can get on hot ones. That never would happen. Comedy bang, bang. You're on comedy. You'd fucking be great there. Are they on a ventilator over there? You'd be amazing.

I would love to be. You're not on a ventilator over there. You're thumbing through the pages of your book, but you have a bunch of wings sauce on them. Yeah, I keep ripping the pages out and eating it. A napkin. You need every page. I'm using Sean as a napkin.

Just pick him on. I love you. Goodbye. Thank you.